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orsmupdate 2018.01.18-18.06
MATHEA

Welcome to if it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer.

Was sitting in our car parked in a car park recently - how about that. Had just loaded the kids in and was waiting for the significant female to finish grabbing 'a few last things' and return with some excuse how such and such was on sale blah blah etc. Suddenly out of nowhere a guy appeared at my window. 20's, looked kind of unwashed and scruffy, so not really a surprise when he asked for money to get food. Prob could have just said it was for drugs and I'd be less surprised. Told him the truth, that I don't really carry cash, he went to walk away and I remembered the ash tray had loose coins for parking. Wasn't much but handed over the lot. He thanked me, then looked at the ground and said "Is that your kids toy?" Turns out my kid had indeed dropped the favourite toy. They cost about $30 and the world ends every bloody time we lose one. This is where I was left feeling torn. No way he'd have told me about the toy if not for handing over a few bucks. Meaning it was like a test that I passed... and he failed. By the same token no way I'd have handed over cash knowing he wouldn't have told me but that seems moot. But I suppose you can't really hold a hungry/homeless/druggo to any sort of standard and definitely not the same standard as you hold yourself but yet another encounter with someone asking for money who didn't deserve it will definitely make me think next time someone has their hand out.

Aaaaand with today's social commentary over we'll slip into the update like a fat chick into a pizza box. I make absolutely no promises about this week's update... except that it will challenge everything you know about high quality entertainment, pornog humanity, time and space and lets chuck gender equality in there too. Why? Why fucking not! Check it...

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"The thrill is gone from my marriage" Alan told his friend Don. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, it's 2018, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it". So Alan went home and said "Dear, our marriage seems to be stale. Do you think an affair will bring us closer together?" "Forget it!" said his wife. "I've tried that ten or twelve times already - it never works!"
--
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here" he inquired "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct" muttered the patient. "I like wool socks". "But that's perfectly normal" replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks". "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
--
It was 6pm and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin" she apologised "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore". I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there" I said with a big smile. "Is your mummy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained "I have a delivery for her". The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mummmm!" she shrieked "come quick! It's the stork!"
--
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!!" "That's OK" the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular" she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
--
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first". Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left". Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you".

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REAL Hood BitchesCall Them The Houston Five. They Are Some Real Freaks And Man It Was A Wild Ass Time. There Was Some Real Chemistry In That Club With Them. This Video Is Over 2 Hours Long SO, Join And See It All. - Assholes!Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Dirty PaigeWho Wants To See A WWE Paige Cum Swallow Compilation!!! - HAHAHAA!!Everybody Is Born With A Talent - Miley BikiniLove Her Or Hate Her - Miley Is Absolutely Rocking That White Bikini. God Fucking Damn! - Innocent SlipKendall Lee Schuler Areola Peek On The Beach - Hot AreolasDon’t Really Know Anything About Her, But Love Those Big Pale Areolas On Those Big Yummy Boobies. - MonstercocksYou Like Monster Cocks, Well Here Are Some Real Cunt Killers - EndedDude Walking With A Beer Gets Brutally Hit By A Bus

NO ONE CARESLOL: i aM vErY iNteLLiGeNt - Look At 'Em!Phun's Bonus Butts #118 - Enjoyable? NoI Literally Shit In My Underwear Watching This... But I Jerked Off First! - DaaaaangBig Cock Turned This Crossfit Girl The Fuck Out!!! She Wasn't Ready For That Kind Of Anal! - Lovesss ItDiane Is A Smart Girl, But This Was A Bad Idea! - How Does She?Little Girl Tries To Be Like Kim Kardashian By Taking A Black Dick Up The Ass - FuuuuckWHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? - Don't StealNaked African Woman Is Accused Of Stealing And Beaten - New Fetish?Fetish #582 You Probably Didn't Know Existed

Looking FINEMadison Beer. Big Tits On A Skinny Frame, On A Young Enough, But Not Too Young Girl – Good! - I Don't EvenInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Too FunnyI LOL'd - Drugs FailLMAO: Dumbass Takes GHB For The 1st Time, And... - Freak PornoWTF Is In His Pants??? Does He Live Near Chernobyl? - Fucking GoodAss You Gotta See... This Anal Session Will Surely Be Their Last! - Superb!Pinup Files Has Released A New Set Of Busty Babe Stacey Poole Stripping Out Of A Sexy Swimsuit!! Her Tits Are Fantastic! - Can't Not LookJenny Thompson Breasts In Lacy Top - BRUTALChinese Elevator Rips Leg To Shreds

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said "What she really said was: 666136429".
--
Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez. The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could. "Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman - she is dead!" "Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an American!"
--
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing - 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
--
An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time. Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman. "Come here often?" he asked. "Not really" the guy replied. "I usually wait until I get home".

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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TRANSLATIONS FOR WOMEN - JUST SO YOU KNOW

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH" "SURE, HONEY" OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: "Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works".

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR"
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'The A Team', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the VIN's of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday".

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL"
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt".

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE"
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again".

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up".

CAMPING - SO MUCH MORE THAN DIRT AND BUGS!

CAMPING

Previously on Orsm: CAMPING #5 - CAMPING #4 - CAMPING #3 - CAMPING #2 - CAMPING #1 - MORE >>

We've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".

When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and here's the absolute best we can do:

-free room and board,
- 1/3 ownership in the store,
-a company pickup car,
-a king size bed and,
-$6,000 a month in living expenses".

ORSM VIDEO


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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"

The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says "So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?" The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries!" he says.

"Turn it around!" the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says "How 'bout steak and baked potato?"

The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveller. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak!" he says. "Turn it around" the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!"

The traveller thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out "Okay old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like PUSSY!?"

Sure enough, the old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says "Turn it around!"

30 GIRLS WHO LOOK FAB IN A TOWEL AND NOT MUCH ELSE

WHATS UNDER THE TOWEL

WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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ORSM VIDEO

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself 'I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of'.

And Fred is thinking 'Gosh. Six months'.

And Martha is thinking 'But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?'

And Fred is thinking '... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here'.

And Martha is thinking 'He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected'.

And Fred is thinking 'And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600'.

And Martha is thinking 'He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure'.

And Fred is thinking 'They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs'.

And Martha is thinking 'Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy'.

And Fred is thinking 'Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...'

"Fred" Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... oh dear, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool" Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse". "There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time" Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes" he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time" says Martha.

"Oh" says Fred. "Yes". (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred" she says. "Thank you" says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a replay of a football game that he missed earlier. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while having a beer with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause, frown, and say "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

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ORSM VIDEO

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Every day a third grade boy walks home from school past a fourth grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a BOY'S game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah-na-nah-na-nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a BOY'S bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOY'S have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

BIKINI BRIDGES: A SKINNY GIRLS PRIVILEGE

BIKINI BRIDGES 5

Previously on Orsm: BIKINI BRIDGES #4 - BIKINI BRIDGES #3 - BIKINI BRIDGES #2 - BIKINI BRIDGES #1 - MORE >>

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the 'houses' he's heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.

So he goes to the first house, the Madame answers the door. "Good day" he says "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The Madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl".

Being a union man, he decides that it isn't fair, and declines the Madam's offer to enter the preemies.

He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same each time he asks the question. Then at one house he asks, the Madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blonde with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the Madame a hundred dollar bill and says "I would really like to be with that blonde over there". "I'm sure you would" replies the Madame "but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 01 18

OLDER SHITE: 11th January - 4th January - Xmas [Part II] - Xmas [Part I] - 14th December - 7th December - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.

Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.

First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.

Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.

Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time, shaking his head in disbelief.

The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well" said the officer "I'm a little surprised and confused. Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap you'll find an arsehole".

HAND BRAS ARE LIKE SAYING "DON'T LOOK AT MY TITS" AND "LOOK AT MY TITS"...

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HAND BRAS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

One day, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.

The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied "Me tell-um time". This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.

A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.

The cowboy asked what he was doing this time. The Indian said "Me wind-um watch".

MATHEA... STRANGE NAME FOR A GIRL WITH SOME TRULY EXCELLENT PARTS

MATHEA

Previously on Orsm: SASHA - ARIEL - KASSANDRA - SUZAN - CATHERINE - LIRA - NATASHA - CHARLOTTE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well well well... what 'ave we 'ere?

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network... okay maybe not so much Insta lately but that's because the thingy I use to post stuff to Orsm social accounts has stopped working. Fuck knows why. I'm pretty good at this stuff {toot toot} but I just have no fucking idea why.
-Check out the archives. They're big. How big? They're so big that when flying the airline makes them pay for two seats.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm not joking about that either.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will throw his weight around, literally. Won't end well for anyone for the simple fact Ray is a fatty. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that elephants are scared he might crush them.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and isn't there something you're forgetting...? Thought so. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 

 

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