Welcome to it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Imagine getting to Thursday night after busting your buddhole as hard as possible all week and the only thing standing between you and finishing at a reasonable time is writing this paragraph... what would you say? Oh I know... check it...
Me: "What's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". Me: "Okay, I'll have a coke". Bartender: "Is Pepsi okay?" Me: Sure. "How much is that?" Bartender: "$3" Me: "There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase".
The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875. This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for twenty-five years without being bothered by the phone.
A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex". A hospital spokesman replied "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said "I was being the Ring Bear".
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108".
What should you do when your girlfriend tells you she fakes orgasms? Pretend you don't hear her!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other "Windy, ain't it?" "No" the second man replied "It's Thursday". And the third man chimed in "So am I. Let's have a coke".
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".
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It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour "The seat is empty". "This is incredible" said the man "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married". "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" The man shakes his head. "No" he says. "They're all at the funeral".
A child asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on". The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now". The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family".
The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: "Hello!" "At what time does the store open?" "At ten o'clock sir". At two in the morning, the phone rings again: "HELLO!" "Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?" "AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir". Again, at four, the phone rings: "H!E!L!L!O!" "Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?" "At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in". "I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!"
Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. "Hit it " said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. "OK " said Larry "fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures". "What do you mean?" asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed "I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please". There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice "you mean you're not my instructor?"
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway... it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
etty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW...... Enough of that crap...!!
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S STORY: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
GIRLS SLEEPING previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. AIR 2771, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? I told you to turn RIGHT onto CHARLIE taxiway! You turned right on DELTA! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "GOD! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, U.S. AIR 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Al and Steve are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Steve "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there" Al thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Steve jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Al notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Al isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Al misses him. Steve falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Al finally catches him this time and says "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Steve gasps "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
Previously on Orsm: GIRLS FROLICKING #3 - GIRLS FROLICKING #2 - GIRLS FROLICKING #1 - MORE >>
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DUH... I DON'T GET IT...
Do you have trouble understanding jokes or common phrases? Well your prayers have finally been answered!
JOKE: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again".
EXPLANATION: The phrase "once in a lifetime" implies that Vine's holiday will only happen once in his life. Therefore, it's redundant for him to say "never again" because someday he will die.
JOKE: A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says "No, I'm traveling light".
EXPLANATION:"Traveling light" is a turn of phrase used to indicate traveling without much (or any) luggage. In science, a photon is a particle of light (almost always moving).
JOKE:"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone".
EXPLANATION: Anorexia is a deadly eating disorder characterized by obsessive fear of gaining weight; its sufferers are often dangerously thin. A "stone" is a British measurement of weight roughly equal to the weight of the current monarch's head. In this context "Two birds, one stone" carries a double meaning, which is hilarious.
JOKE: "Pretentious? Moi?"
EXPLANATION: Only a pretentious person whose daily life doesn't require French would actually say "moi" and mean it.
JOKE:"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them".
EXPLANATION: Philips killed a hitchhiker with his car.
JOKE:"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
EXPLANATION: In philosophy, solipsism is the idea that the only thing you can be sure exists is your own mind.
JOKE: A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says "Yes".
EXPLANATION: Processing that question through Boolean logic "yes" is technically correct. How would you answer if the question were "Is it a boy AND a girl?"
JOKE:"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid".
EXPLANATION: In Britain, they sell bracelets to prevent bullying, or something. I think that's the whole joke.
JOKE: Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says "No, but I knew where I was".
EXPLANATION: Werner Heisenberg was a German physicist and one of the key figures in quantum theory. His famous "Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle" states that we can know either where a quantum particle is or how fast it's moving, but it's impossible to know both at the same time.
JOKE:"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog".
EXPLANATION: Delaney grew up on a pirate ship. When he didn't earn enough booty to buy his family a dog, they forced him to "walk the plank". Then he survived, and became a comedian, so the jokes on his pirate-family, in the end.
JOKE: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more".
EXPLANATION: In Latin, which the Romans spoke, the suffix "us" is singular, while the suffix "i" is plural. So the Roman thinks that martini implies he's ordering more than one! Silly Roman.
JOKE: First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.
EXPLANATION: It's an absolute reductionist take on the real laws of thermodynamics, and the language is such that it implies life isn't worth living. In plain terms, the laws of thermodynamics are: Energy can't be created or destroyed; things tend to move from order to disorder; and the lower the temperature drops, the less disorderly things become.
JOKE:"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day".
EXPLANATION: This is about soccer, so, really, who knows.
JOKE: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate".
EXPLANATION: You were expecting the word "problem" but the joke-teller replaced it with "precipitate" which is the solid that forms in a solution of liquid after a chemical reaction has taken place.
JOKE: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names".
EXPLANATION: Frederic Names was a famous French architect of the 19th century who lost both arms and an eye in the Napoleonic wars.
JOKE: C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors".
EXPLANATION: C, Eb, and G are the musical notes that constitute a C-minor chord.
JOKE: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
EXPLANATION: This poor afflicted soul's dyslexia has caused him to confuse "God" with "dog". His agnosticism forces him to wrestle with "dog's" existence. And his insomnia has him losing sleep over it.
JOKE: Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
EXPLANATION: Philip Glass is an American composer whose music is often described as minimalist and repetitive.
JOKE:"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted".
EXPLANATION: Delaney's friend Dave was a famous British lifebelt collector, and his dying wish was that his friends would honour his life's passion at his funeral. Interestingly, he died in his own bathtub, drowning when he suffered from a seizure while taking a bath.
JOKE: A linguistics professor says during a lecture that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative". But then a voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right".
EXPLANATION:"Yeah" and "right" are technically affirmative words but put these two positives together and you get an ultra-sarcastic "Yeah, right".
JOKE: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty".
EXPLANATION: Vanessa Feltz is a fat person.
JOKE: Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
EXPLANATION: The Bechdel test is a measure of gender equality in the media. A piece of media is considered to pass the test if it includes at least two women who talk to each other about something besides men. This joke passes the test.
JOKE: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
EXPLANATION: Surrealism is a movement all about creating weird, illogical art. As this joke makes no sense, it is itself a surrealist work.
JOKE:"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."
EXPLANATION: I'm stumped. Is this about spanking, or something? British people are so weird.
JOKE: Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.
EXPLANATION: A gigabyte is a measure of data equal to 1,024 MB. As you can see, the band is only 1,023 MB — they haven't had any "gigs" yet.
JOKE:"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put".
EXPLANATION: This phrase, with varying versions often attributed to Winston Churchill, is a response to the famous rule in English that a sentence isn't supposed to end in a preposition. In constructing the sentence this way, the speaker is technically correct, but it's an incredibly awkward way to communicate.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on the boardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying.
He decides to be a good Samaritan and asks her what's wrong.
She replies sadly "I've never been hugged".
So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way.
The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies "I've never been kissed".
So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.
The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong.
She replies "I've never been... you know... fucked!"
So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says "There! NOW you're fucked!"
Previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash".
She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large 'M' shaped rash. The doctor replies "Now that is the strangest rash I've ever seen". The woman explains "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love". The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.
The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks. "My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love" she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor's office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an 'M' on her chest. "Let me guess" the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" "No" the patient replies "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley".
OLDER SHITE: 7th June - 31st May - 24th May - 17th May - 10th May - 3rd May - 26th April - 19th April - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day a woman walked into the bar. She was the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Sweaty, covered in spots and smelling of piss. She also had the hairiest armpits you have ever seen. Suddenly she raised her arm, hairs sticking out of her pit, and said "What man out there will buy a woman a drink?"
Everyone ignored her apart from a little drunken guy in the corner. "Bartender!" the guy shouted "I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender gives the woman a whiskey and knocks it back in one gulp. Instantly, the woman raises her arm again, hairs sticking out of her smelly armpit, points at all the men and again says "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Again the little drunken guy says "Bartender, buy that ballerina another drink!"
The barman gives another whiskey to the ugly woman and then turns to the little drunken guy and says "I know it's none of my business if you want to buy a lady a drink, but why do you keep on calling her a ballerina?"
"Sir" replied the drunk "any woman who can lift her leg up that high has to be a ballerina!"
Previously on Orsm: FLAT TUMMIES #3 - FLAT TUMMIES #2 - FLAT TUMMIES #1 - MORE >>
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 75-25% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private first class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure".
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them".
Previously on Orsm: OLIVE - MILA - ERIKA - MIA - ARIEL - MASHA - IZZY - ANGY - SASHA - KASSANDRA - MORE >>
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mum, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mum.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mum, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mum decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says "I think you should have ironed it!"
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-Next update will be next Thursday... probably. I'm serious - probably.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fuckin' glass ya, ya prick!
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go ahead and cry about it - no one cares!. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.