Welcome to ain't got time to bleed.
I'm not sure how to write this in such a way it appears I am sitting behind my desk feverishly tap-tap-tapping away at this update. The truth is though... mind your own fucking business. Whatever the deal, I'm pretty comfortable skipping anything that looks like a long and detailed blog about nothing in particular in favour of a large chunk of jokes. Probably the best thing you've heard all day right? Very happy I could be of help! Check it...
I was trying to demonstrate to a girl what it looks like when I ejaculate, but it went straight over her head.
At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied "We can't hear in the back."
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages". "Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No". Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk" she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes we do" the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit no!" Donald quacked "I'll thuffocate!"
What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now" she asked me "Has your plane arrived yet?"
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo, a giant seashell, on her inner thigh. Her friends asked her why she got such a tattoo, and in that location. She responded: "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you" she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love". "That must be rather difficult" the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much" she said. "But its really pissed off my husband".
During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were. "Ah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the taste!"
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well" the woman said "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery" he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know" he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were in a wilderness chased by police and their dogs. They got tired running so they each climbed a tree. The police dogs came and started barking on a tree with the brunette on it. The brunette cried "COOO COOO" The police said it's just a pigeon up there. The dogs then barked on a tree with the redhead on it. The redhead cried "HOOO HOOO" The police said it's just an owl up there. The dogs then came to the tree with the blonde on it. The blonde cried "MOOO MOOO".
Nature U BitchGrizzly Bear Hunts Down A Cow - *DON'T* Do It!If You Were Thinking Of Having Kids Then Here's 40 Reminders Of What You're Getting Yourself Into - I'd F-ing Run!Champion Coyote Caller Gets The Crowd Worked Up - What A Time!Amazing NYC Nostalgia - What It Was Like To Be A Teenager Living In New York City in the 1970s - Hah So CloseGrandpa Croc Hunter Is A Little Too Slow - Messed UpFeminazi Landwhale Beaches Herself On The Set Of Facefucking.Com And Shares Her Bloated-Ass Thoughts On Sex, Feminism And Society. - Wasted LifePoor Guy Was Murdered Just To Take His Bike - Crazy OrgasmShe Makes The Earth Shake With This Back Breaking Orgasm. Holy Fucking Shit!
Bobcat BossThis Is How You Know A Guy's Being Driving Bobcats Too Long - See-Thru TitsKim Kardashian Great Boobs In Black Wet T-Shirt - Curvy CurvesNice Spy Pics Of Busty Babe Lena Paul Snapping Nude Selfies Before Taking A Shower!! If You’re Snapping Nude Selfies, Can You Really Be Mad If You Catch A Guy Spying On You? - That CleavJennifer Lopez See-Through Candids On The Set Of “Shades Of Blue”. I Never Realised She Was Quite So Stacked! - White People!Black Man Narrates As He's Confused By The Actions Of Young White People - Good GirrrrlKaty Cummings Titty Fucks A Big Dick - Pocket RocketShe Tried Prepping Her Ass For The Fun... But Nothing Could Prepare Her For That! - Shower ShagI Do Love A Good Bit Role Playing Porn. Bitches Can Call Me 'Daddy' All The Want! - CleverHow To Flawlessly Seal Foods Without The Use Of An Electronic Vacuum Sealer
Big BerthaThe Name "Big Bertha" Comes From A Giant Pre-Nazi German War Cannon That Would Lob 1,800 Lb Explosive Shells Into Shit Like France And Belgium. It Also Happens To Look Like This Bitches Dick. - Not Even OnceChances Are She's On Drugs Dancing Like That. Also Chances Are She's A Prostitute With Her Ass Cheeks Out Like That. I Guess It Makes Your Job Easier When You're High Like That. - Nipple Ring?Chloe Grace Moretz Is Wearing A See-Through Top And What We Can See Is Some Delicious Nipple Ring Action. - Real HeroesReal Life Heroes Restore Your Faith In Humanit - PloughedThis Dude Is Taking His Time Destroying This Girls Pussy As He Records The Entire Fuck Session On Webcam. - "Go Gently"Go Gently... The First Time... After That It's Game On!! - Mouth CumCock Sucking Cutie Bags For The Jizz As She Gets Throat Fucked On Webcam - Oily JugsGreat Pics Of Busty Katarina Kozy Stripping And Oiling In Her Tits Before Jumping Some Rope! Bounce, Bounce, Bounce... All The Way To Heaven! - Bikini MalfuncLaura Cremaschi Loses Her Bikini Top In The Surf
During her annual check-up, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor..." she replied shyly "I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you". "All right" said the physician "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done". A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine".
Burford is checking out of a hotel when he suddenly has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby men's room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says "Dear Mr. Burford. All is forgiven. Just tell us... where it is?"
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan went on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys said "God, you two have big feet". Ann replied "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive...
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YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY
I probably don't have to explain what this is about. If you've reached the lofty heights of calling yourself sexually active then you probably have a story about that time it all went wrong. In some ways everything ending badly is a badge of honour. In other ways your sexual confidence is destroyed. Either way its fucking entertaining for us to read. Check it...
-My bed used to have those old fashioned bed knobs on them and every time I had sex with my then boyfriend, they used to bash against the wall and be really noisy. So I used to take them off when I knew he was coming and put them back on so my mum didn't notice. Once after he had stayed over and gone home I forgot to put the bed knobs back on. Perfectly bad timing was a program on TV about sex in the 70's or something and the women were saying they always did the old taking the bed knobs off so their parents wouldn't hear them at it. My mum walks past, hears the TV, see's my bed knobs on the floor beside the bed and just gives me the dirtiest look. I was mortified.
-One time this fat girl started coming onto me super hard. Like she wanted the D bad and I really wanted some head so at first I was like whatever I'll just let her suck my dick and never talk to her again (shallow I know). So she was sucking my dick and started getting naked and putting her nasty fat titties all in my face and trying to get me to fuck her. I tried to just ignore it and get her to suck my dick more and pretend it was some hot bish, but she get saying shit like "you know it would feel better if you fucked me" and when I told her I wasn't going to or reciprocate at all, I think she got embarrassed so she just got dressed and left. Should I feel bad? Am I a giant douche?
-I once awoke to my ex-boyfriend slyly trying to slip his dick into my ear. I really didn't know how the fuck to react. I still remember the expression on his face.
-I was sober, my husband was not. We were going at it and he accidently got me in the ass... hard. I started screaming and crying and asking him if I was bleeding. I thought he ripped me open! I let him finish sex though... I was whimpering. I couldn't sit straight for a week.
-Boyfriend had been begging me to give him a BJ and swallow. We were in the shower and I went down on him, he came, I swallowed, felt sick immediately, jumped out of the shower and vomited into the toilet (which was in the same room as the shower). What makes it worse is the force from my vomit made me fart as well. So I'm dripping wet, vomiting semen and farting, while my boyfriend was watching from the shower. There were no words.
-Well, it wasn't so much as 'sexual' given that it's a goddamn irritating platonic I-love-her-but-she-doesn't-look-at-me-in-that-way relationship, but having a morning 'hello hello' hug, while we're on holiday together. She shifted a little... and I came. While fully clothed. Goddamn I've not lived that one down yet, even though she's never mentioned it since. I like to think my "Well does that count as losing my virginity" remark post-cleaning helped... but it didn't.
-The most awkward ten minutes of my life are courtesy of my ex, losing his virginity to me. It could have been when he said "I want to fuck you like a little dog" and was thrusting so hard he pushed me forwards, causing me to bash my chin on the headboard and my forehead on the wall. I had to explain my bruises to his parents in the morning.
-I had a boyfriend who had a major foot fetish. Quite often during sex I would have my legs up high enough so he could suck on my toes. It seemed to really turn him on, and while it really didn't do much for me, I was happy to oblige. One night we were getting hot and heavy and he began to orgasm. He bit into my toe - hard. I began screaming. He thought I was coming too, and didn't realise he was hurting me so he just kept going. Finally my cries of "stop" mixed with the sudden taste of blood in his mouth made him come to his senses. He had broken the skin and my big toe was now gushing blood all over the bed.
-I hadn't been laid in a while and being totally desperate, checked on Craigslist to find an easy lay. I end up finding this ad for some 26 year old who says she was looking for someone to come over and have sex with her, watch movies, whatever. So I respond and we make plans to meet up. Then she sends a picture of herself... she's not morbidly obese but by no means skinny. So I just didn't really think anything of it. A couple days later, I make my way over to her house. She just happened to live in the shittiest neighbourhood in town. Her apartment complex was falling apart and there was shit all over the lawn and whatnot. Her house isn't any better. It also smells like cat piss and old food. Oh, and she forgot to mention that she is married and has two kids. He husband was aware of what was going on and was not only cool with it, but also wants to watch. At this point I already feel really weird, but not wanting to make the situation even more awkward (and also wanting to get my dick wet) agree to stay. So we go at it while her husband is playing WoW in the same room. The sex was terrible. She smelled bad and had sent me an old picture. Jesus Christ she was large. It took me what seemed liked forever to get off. I finished up and left. Went home and showered, cried a little and never called or contacted her again.
-We were going at it doggie style, and he likes to tease. So he'd pull out, and push back in slightly. He'd do this several times. Then finally he'd grab my hips and start back up, but the moment he pushed in, a loud queef exploded. Silence ensued for what seemed like forever, and then he burst out laughing.
-My GF was going down on me while I was lying in my bed. She thought it would be a treat for me to go all deep throat on me and landed up gagging and out came the wonderful dinner partly digested on my dick. She quickly brought a towel to wipe me down and we acted like it never spoke about it again.
-We were both Star Trek fans. That was something we had in common. But that one time we had sex, we were in the middle of it and she said "Fuck me with your big Klingon Dick, Worf!" She was then really confused why my erection suddenly went away.
-My first boyfriend and I were both virgins. He was trying to use his finger down there and accidentally stuck it in the wrong hole. It lasted all of two seconds, but I lost it. I died laughing, and he was completely mortified.
-I was having sex with a new guy, and I was on top and things were going pretty decently considering we were both pretty inexperienced. He hadn't been saying much, which was fine, but all of a sudden out of nowhere he moaned "I loooove fucking your assssss". I basically just stopped moving and I said "What? You... aren't" and he got really flustered and replied with "Oh God! Ohhh God. OhmyGodforgetIevensaidthat! Keep going. Forget I said that. Keep going!" I really have no idea where the fuck that came from or what was going through his head. It's not impossible that he was fantasising about doing his best friend in the butt. They were a little too close.
-When my guy and I decided to get intimate, we had roses, candles - the works. He didn't utter a peep during the act, and I thought maybe he wasn't into it. Finally, he let out this crazy noise that sounded like 'gaaah-guh-guh-guh!' It was his orgasm! I laughed so hard, I couldn't finish.
-It was summer break from university so my boyfriend and I were back home with our parents to save money. My mum was a student and had evening classes at a college out of town. She had a class one night so I invited my boyfriend over. We had dinner and then headed to my room for good times. They were good times. Good, very noisy times. Afterward boyfriend left to go to the bathroom totally nude. It was then that I hear my mum say hello from the living room, just down the very short hall. Turns out her class had been cancelled and she'd been in the living room the whole time. I had to bring my boyfriend his clothes with her watching. And I'm pretty sure she saw his nude self. This would have been fairly easy to live down had I not married him. It has been the proverbial elephant in the room for 12 years now.
Want more? Awkward Sex Stories have featured before. You can find them here, here and here...
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck just one goat..."
This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.
The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says "Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.
The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.
The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?" The bus driver says in a slurred voice "He keeps making fun of me!"
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ORSM VIDEO: HARVESTING EDITION
A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says "Today class, I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter". She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands.
There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is really eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says "A-Apple" The teacher replies "That's great, Mary, good job".
So she moves on to the letter B, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will say "Bitch" or "Balls" or something equally offensive so she calls on Todd. Todd says "B-Baseball". And the teacher replies "Good Job, Todd".
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny.
The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R-Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat... that's it... rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment. "Yeah" says Johnny "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A mum is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mummy" the little girl asks "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite" the mother warns. "Okay" the little girl says "How much do you weigh?" "Now really" the mother says "these are personal questions and are really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mummy wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl says to her friend. "Well" said the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it".
Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are... you are 32". The mother is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds". The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce". "Oh really?" the mother asks "Why is that?" To which the girl replies "Because you got an F in sex".
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said "No, you're my sister, that's gross!" Jill said "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me?" So Jack said okay.
Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said "No, you're my sister, that's gross!" Jill said "Come on. It'll be fun". So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.
After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said "No, you're my sister, it would be gross!" Jill said "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore". So Jack said okay.
They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said "Come on, Jack, take me". Jack didn't argue.
When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured "You're a lot lighter than dad". Jack said back "I know. Mum told me last night".
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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, I'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"
He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted!" Came the reply "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.
Her mother asked "Why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The girl said to her mother "It's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "Just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm".
So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on their way.
On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said "What on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied "My mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm". Her date said to her "Well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said "Well I don't see any harm in it". So he did.
After returning home from her date she asked her mother" What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
I'm going to go out on a limb here. I'm betting you aren't satisfied and have an insatiable need for MORE? Well worry not because there's a fuck tonne which will have you entertained and tittilated for many hundreds of hours to come:
-Follow Orsm on Face-BOOK and Twit-TER and Insta-GRAM.
-Check out the archives. They have it going on. Do you?
-Next update will be next Thursday or sumink k?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will throw darts at your nuts or flaps.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I’m afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.