orsmupdate 2014.07.17-19.21
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Welcome to do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour alcohol?

We're in this weird, excited/frustrating holding pattern right now waiting for the rug rat to poke his, her or its head out. The week 39 marker has been rounded and homebase is almost in our sights. Everyone is ready, everything is ready. It's just the waiting game that feels like an eternity and it sucks just that little bit more when you're one of those people who always likes to know how things turn out; how the story ends rather than the boring stuff in-between. Lucky I've had craploads to keep me occupied though. Prepare yourselves now as I dazzle you with tales of what an overburdened guy you don't know or care about has been up to for the last week OR scroll down a teeny bit to where the update really starts...

Friday began bright and early onsite at the house build. As has been ongoing for I don't know how many weeks, activities kicked off with sanding. Lots and lots of sanding. I was collected a few hours later and off we went to find carpet. A skill I've been forced to learn is to not overcomplicate things and that usually my instincts aren't too far off the mark... which is a way of saying we stopped at the first carpet shop we saw, got the run through of different types and styles and made a choice all inside 20 minutes. This way of doing biz is a massive turnaround from procrastinating the absolute fucking fuck out of every fucking thing and going with the one I originally wanted anyway.

From there it was off to run some errands and the first of a few things we wanted to get done before it's not possible anymore. This one being dim sum and back to the favourite place which recently reopened after a prolonged renovation... only to find a sign on the door saying they had now changed to a different style of food. Went back instead to the previous favourite which has now turned to rubbish. In some ways it's good because in future it won't be like I'm missing out on anything. Headed back to the house that afternoon to squeeze in a few hours hard labour before dark. Was going well until I got caught by a neighbour who wanted to chat... which he did until the rain started and the workday ended...

After the mandatory Saturday morning hardware store visit it was immediately back to the house and give the timber I'd been so busily working on a second coat of clear. The results -of course- were outstanding meaning all the effort appears to have been well worth it. Finished up by lunchtime, home, then northward to visit mother dearest for lunch. Next stop was a baby store. I hate them, am always appalled at not only the outrageous prices but also products that absolutely no one could ever need. Who in their right mind would buy a breastfeeding bra for dad? Or how about an $800 baby-sized retro egg chair?

Next on the list of things to do before child was the movies; namely Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. For the record a fucking great, must-see film... and that's from someone who was never really a huge fan of the franchise. The effects are so good you almost forget you're not watching real monkeys talk like us. My only complaint was the fatty-fat-fat sitting in front of me who ruined a chunk of it playing on her iPhone. I'll never understand what kind of a retard pays $24 to go to the movies and spends the whole time looking at pictures and surfing the web but if you must, at least have the courtesy to turn the fucking brightness down so it doesn't shine directly in other people's eyes. Ended up kicking her seat a few times which didn't work before finally tapping her on the shoulder and telling her to quit it.

House again Sunday where I had the Popo stalking me. Assume they thought I was stealing shit and admittedly may have looked a bit suss as most tradies don't work on Sundays, or if they do then not at 7am. They parked a few doors up watching as I unloaded tools, then drove by, returned my nod with a wave, did a U-turn and parked up again just watching. I went inside to start working and they hung around for another 10. When I came out an hour later they were back again. They finally bailed for good when I waved to neighbours. Surely running my license plates would have shown the car registered to that address and I can't help but think it would've been easier to stop and have a chat rather than waste all that time surveilling me. All very bizarre.

Escaped mid-morning to go shower and head straight out the door again. Destination this time was visiting my nan who's recently injured herself. Good way to whittle away a couple before going for a remedial massage. I haven't had one for ages and it's entirely been due to time constraints. The problem is my shit is all sore and messed up. The GF, worried such ailments will lead to my untimely demise, found a place that takes Sunday booking and made one for me. Surprisingly it was fucking amazing and for once my shoulder doesn't just hurt for no apparent reason. Also the masseuse was a hottie Japanese chick. Def going back.

Rest of the day was filled with a million little things - tidied up around the joint, cleaned out the fridge, put the final finishing touches to the gate project from a while back, took the car through the car wash, fitted in a mini-cruise along the coast and even spent a while on this update. The very last thing to tick off our shit to do before screaming poop machine arrives was the Asiany café that's been my fave for however long. Destroyed a Pad Thai, some sushi and that was weekend over. Cool huh...?

And with that let us move on to bigger, better and far more entertaining things. The update I have for you guys today is a cracker. It wasn't easy deciding which videos to include but I assure you viewing pleasure in every one. Same for all the images. Same for all the everything. That's just how things are done around here. What I'm trying to say is... check it...

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Infuriating - Redheads - Rape Kisses - Snowday - Fukn Ouch - Low IQ - Badasses - Get Em Out - Selena Nips - Got Tats

Addictive - Dem Curves - Hoodrats - Sex Sister - Crackhead - Perfect 10 - Deep Vagina - Holy Fuck - Submissive - Sad

Fire Element - Build Up - Butthurt - Arab Slut - Stanky - Penis-trated - Fight Lulz - Impressive - Vintage - Braless

The devout cowboy lost his favourite bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book from the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed "It's a miracle!" "Not really" said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law! One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry" he said, as he went into one of his well-rehearsed routines "and I help produce a TV quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is" she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"


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A few years ago, Lazy Ted got lucky in this little bar in Mayfield. She was a good-looking girl, too. He drove her around to this park, the local lovers' lane, for a little privacy and they were getting along just fine, when some local louts happened by.

Luckily, all the doors of the car were locked and the larrikins had to content themselves with rocking it backwards and forwards. Lazy Ted wasn't going to hang around for any nonsense. He stuck the car into reverse and revved out of the car park.

Bodies scattered in his wake. He ended up taking the girl to the safety of a nearby hotel.

Lazy Ted might have forgotten all about the incident but, the very next day, as he was watching his wife, Betty, washing the car, you'll never guess what he saw - a finger, just sitting there in the grille in front of the motor. Well, he shook his head and was about to tell Betty to put it in, the rubbish, when she stopped him short.

"That finger must belong to someone. We'd better take it down the road to the Lost and Found. You'd be surprised what they can do with microsurgery these days".

Lazy Ted followed his missus down to the local cop shop where they were extra helpful. While Betty was out of ear shot, he told them the full story - exactly what happened, how, when, where and why.

Afterwards, Lazy Ted went home and forgot all about the whole business until one day, this cop came to the door and presented him with this little frozen container and in it... the finger. "According to Section 4 of Article 8 of the Mislaid Articles Act of 1893" the cop spouted off "found goods, if unclaimed by the owner and the loser of the aforementioned lost goods, after a period of three months, should be returned to the finder, who will be thereafter considered the owner and therefore the loser, in the event of the goods ever being re-lost".

Lazy Ted didn't really know what to do, but he took the finger and thanked the cop for his trouble. He told Betty to put it in the freezer. Soon afterwards, the phone calls started. A man, his voice deep, husky and mean, would ring and say "You got my finger. You better give it back... or you'll get rubbed".

Night after night, the same man rang with the same message. Then, during the day, the Health Department started ringing and a man with a high, piping voice, would tell Ted "Keeping a finger in your freezer contravenes Section 1, Article 12, of the Body Parts in the Kitchen Act of 1923, and if you persist in infringing this regulation, we will be forced to carry out immediate legal action".

The final straw was when the surgeon started calling up daily, too. "Listen, we get kids in here every day, with their fingers missing - car accidents, gun accidents - you name it. Some will never be able to use their hands again. With that finger, you could at least help one... just one of them".

Finally, it got too much for Betty. "Listen Ted, do something. Give that finger back to the gangster. Give it to the Health Department. Even give it to the hospital. Just get rid of it. It's no use to us. But it was all to no avail. Lazy Ted wouldn't hear of it. You know what he's like. He'd never lift a finger to help himself or anyone else.


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One weekend, a man from the city decided to go duck hunting. He headed for the country and stopped at a field that looked as though it could attract ducks. While walking through a field, several ducks flew overhead. He aimed, fired, and shot one of the ducks out of the sky. However, the duck landed on the other side of a large irrigation ditch with no signs of any nearby crossing.

He briefly thought about leaving the duck but realised that the weather was becoming worse. Not wanting to return home empty handed, he decided to try and find some way across. About a quarter mile further ahead he found a crossing and, as he walked back along the other side, came across a farmer who was carrying his duck.

"Excuse me?" he said "I believe that's my duck you're carrying". "Oh I don't think so" replied the farmer "It landed on my property. This here's my duck". They argued back and forth for a few minutes and then the farmer suggested a solution.

"Let's settle this the country way. We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls and the first man to give in, gives up the duck".

The hunter thought about it for a minute. At first he questioned the sanity of engaging in a 'ball-kicking' contest but felt he was tough enough and accepted the challenge. "Alright then" Said the farmer "I'll go first".

The hunter took a deep breath and prepared himself for the blow. The farmer reared back and kicked the hunter in the balls as hard as he could. The hunter moaned and dropped to the ground, rolling around in pain as he grasped his groin.

After several minutes the hunter recovered to his feet, took several deep breaths and said "Okay, now it's my turn". The farmer looks at the hunter, shakes his head and says "Oh, that's okay, you can have you're duck".


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Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favourite dog with his brother, James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks "So, James, how's my favourite dog doing?" James very tersely says "Your dog is dead". "What?" says Phil "You can't just tell someone his favourite dog is dead without a warning! You have to ease him into it".

"How?" says James. "Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will be ok, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this?" "Yes" says James"

"Good". remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my favourite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??" "Yes".

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil. "Well" James replies "She's on the roof..."


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Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise; now the firm had come up with a profit-sharing plan! Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his grey suit he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners, only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up.

He searched the suit and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece, but now flattened from the dry cleaning. From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. Life was good, but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Paddy's luck (and life) had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened. "This certainly was to be expected" he was told. "Ye should have known... One should never press one's luck".

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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his, who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube, until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together, they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.

Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on".


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The local mental institution every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Anne and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Anne to come in for her questioning. When Anne came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Anne, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Anne nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Anne, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course" Anne answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind" said Anne knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.

The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Anne got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye" he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind" he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly "Me hat would fall down over me eyes".


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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards - his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.

Again they catch the clerk... after five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards".

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you!"


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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today".

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No" the young farmer replied seriously "Night is when I put the water in the hole".


Alright let's do this so we can all move on...

-Check out the site archives. It's the most important thing you can be doing with your life.
-Next update will be next Thursday... although at this rate I'm guessing thats the one which'll be skipped.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spraypaint your car with controversial yet humorous slogans JUST so he can watch you come under criticism from dickfucks who cannot simply look the other way.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'm serious - save me some M&M's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.




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