Welcome to and if it's a girl we'll name her Tracee after you... this way she can grow up to be a cock sucking slob just like her mother.
Without all the hullabaloo... check it...
A bouncer refused me entry into a club last night. As he pushed me away I noticed a name tattooed on his arm. I said "Is Ted your name?" He said "Yeah, why?" I said "Isn't that short for Shithead?"
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the swear jar...
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish in Boston and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see' and 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand'". The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying "No shit, what happened next?"
Man say to his wife: "I have a problem at work..." Wife: "Hun, now that we're married, you don't say you have a problem you say we have a problem". Man: "Okay, we've knocked up our secretary..."
I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vegas and spend all my money on the sluts". My wife commented "You spelt 'slots' wrong. Silly xxx". That's why I married a blonde.
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then...?" "No, not at all" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so sexy when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is it then!?" he demands. She gently whispers in his ear "That use to be me..."
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies "Nope". Teen says "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies "A wedding ring".
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself". "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?" "Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough".
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Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night". The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night". The third one turns around and says "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear". "I don't need to outrun the bear" the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you".
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words". The guy replies "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly "Paint... my... house".
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself". The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome" he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young" says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40". St. Peter replies "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
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FACTS ABOUT SEX
-About 33% of Americans get injured during sex. Injuries include bruises, pulled muscles, sprained ankles, and carpet burns.
-A man can reduce his chances of getting prostate cancer by having at least four orgasms a week. Take care of your man.
-The most orgasmic sex for women: solo. Second place: oral. Third place: P-in-V.
-Having an orgasm releases an anti-diuretic hormone, which is why you probably find yourself not being able to pee right after sex. You should pee as soon as possible after sex to prevent UTIs (urinary tract infections).
-As an orgasm becomes imminent in a woman, the vagina decreases in size by as much as 30%. This contraction is most likely to help increase the sensitivity felt by the woman as she climaxes into the orgasm.
-Research shows that men who have sex within a relationship report greater pleasure than guys who have no-strings-attached sex.
-The female ejaculation is actually just pee. This age-old controversy seems to be settled. Scientists have recently reported that some of the fluid in female ejaculate is pee, but the rest is just prostate fluid.
-There are some foods that boost your sex drive, one of them being black raspberries. This phytochemical-rich food enhances both libido and endurance. Oysters are high in zinc, which is vital for testosterone production and healthy sperm. Watermelon contains citrulline amino acid, good for the cardiovascular system and helps relax the blood vessels that increase your sex drive.
-Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be.
-Masturbation is known to help cure depression as the release of emotions and hormones when orgasm is reached to put your mind at ease, and make you more comfortable with your own body.
-Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated.
-Apparently semen contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, and induce sleep. It also contains cortisol, which is known to increase feelings of affection in the brain.
-The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused.
-Morning wood isn't because guys want sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection.
-The amygdala, the part of your brain triggering fear and anxiety, shuts down when women have an orgasm.
-36% of people under the age of 35 go right onto Facebook and Twitter after sex.
-In order to know how much testosterone a man has, compare the length of his ring finger to his index finger. The longer the ring finger is in comparison to the index finger, the more testosterone in his body.
-A guy whose partner hangs with his mates too much is 92 per cent more likely to have difficulty getting erect, because he feels emasculated.
-Penises used to have spines. Luckily, they evolved out before Neanderthals and modern humans diverged.
-Sex is 10 times more effective than Valium.
-In Australia, 22 per cent of women have had sex with someone out of sympathy.
-For a woman attempting to reach climax, it will take her only four minutes through masturbation. However, it can take upwards of 10-20 minutes to reach climax during intercourse.
-Scientists found that fruit flies deprived of sex drink more booze than those allowed to mate.
-You don't need your brain to ejaculate. The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain.
-Shaving your pubes increases your chances of spreading an STI.
-You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark.
-Women who are prone to migraines are should have more sex. Why? Because orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine.
-Touching the sides of his torso triggers a nerve that makes his erection harder.
-37% of men and 25% of women 50-80+ gave oral sex in the past year.
-A woman's butt sticks out 25 percent more when she is wearing heels.
-When a guy is turned on his sweat becomes saturated with chemicals that are linked to female arousal.
-Around 1% of women can achieve full orgasm solely through stimulating their breasts.
-Sex during your period can ease menstrual cramps.
-During World War I, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) discovered you could use semen as invisible ink. They stopped using it after they realised how badly it smelled when it got old.
-One in nine young ladies has used the morning-after pill after sex.
-Don't feel bad about that drunken night you slept with that guy you don't remember - 73 per cent of women admit having at least one one-night stand.
-Nearly two thirds of all men and women have fantasized about another person while having sex with their current partner. Typically, the one being fantasized about is not someone they will be able to have intercourse with but it may increase theirs or their partners satisfaction.
-Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex.
-Studies have suggested that creative people have more sex.
-Stay on top of your visits to the gynaecologist. Many of the worst STIs you can contract have absolutely no symptoms at all for up to three to five years.
-The average American man's erect penis is five to seven inches long with a circumference of four to six inches.
-When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens.
-Most twenty-somethings have sex 112 times a year.
-The vagina is more sensitive during menstruation, leading to more powerful orgasms and heightened sensitivity.
-The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why grinding (dry humping) feels so good.
- Want the ultimate orgasm? Abstain from any sexual activity at all for three weeks. That's the amount of time it takes for your testosterone levels to peak and boost your libido.
-Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event.
-There's an average of 280 million sperm in every male ejaculation. It's the exact same number for rabbits.
-Your pain threshold can increase significantly during arousal.
-There are 500-1,000 deaths per year from autoerotic asphyxiation. That's equal to the numbers of murders in New York City annually.
Want more? Take a look in the Orsm archives! We last took a stab at sex facts in February '16 and you can find it here.
Previously on Orsm: REAL WIVES #1
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your fucking head off!!"
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!"
So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that fucking difficult is it?!"
So here was Sherman, a master Olympic wrestler, 3 Olympic Golds, multiple world titles as well, training for what will be his retirement match at the upcoming Olympics.
His coach comes into the room "I have some bad news". "The most probable finalist opponent will be Olav Gregorsky from deep inside Russia. I've never heard of him, I can't get any information about him, except he has NEVER lost a match. On only two matches he ever fought he used a proprietary hold to win. That was called the 'Pretzel hold'. Nobody outside of Russia has ever seen that hold. It is literally unbeatable".
Sherman looked a little rattled, but said "Whatever!"
Fast forward to the Olympics. Both Sherman and Olav have decidedly won every match, but Olav has not used his pretzel hold. Now it's for the gold, and the two men enter the ring.
Coach is beside himself and goes out for a drink.
When coach returns to the stadium a few minutes later he hears his anthem playing and sees Sherman on top of the podium, looking very much worse for wear and tear. But Sherman was the winner. Olav was second and crying like a little girl.
Minutes later Sherman hobbles off the podium into coaches arms. Coach asks "What happened? Did he use the pretzel hold?" Sherman replies "Boy did he ever! After 3 rounds we were very evenly matched and getting tired. Suddenly my world was upside down, I didn't know where my arms or legs were. Couldn't breathe. My vision was fading fast and as I looked up I saw this crotch bouncing off my chin. What the hell, so I bit down as hard as I could".
"Yeah... and?" asks coach. "You'd be surprised what you can do if you bite your own balls!"
Previously on Orsm: BEACH DRESSING #4 - BEACH DRESSING #3 - BEACH DRESSING #2 - BEACH DRESSING #1
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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said "I don't know how to use this".
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought "Great, God. This is what you sent to help me??"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick... I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said "THANK YOU SO MUCH... you are a very nice man". The man replied "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour".
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud... "THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects" the medic said "I could give it a try".
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans" The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!".
Previously on Orsm: FLAT TUMMIES #1
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably behind it.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
OLDER SHITE: 11th May - 4th May - 27th April - 20th April - 13th April - 6th April - 30th March - 23rd March
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Dear Diary, Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too'. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex , he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
PREGNANT GALS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...
-Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
-Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.
-Don't fall for lines like "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm".
-Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.
-Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.
-Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.
-When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.
-Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
-Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.
-You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.
-To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
-If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.
-Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.
PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: ELLEN - JUSTINE - IZZY - BLAIR - RICCA - HANNA - KRISTA - KARINA - STEPHANIE
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop saying gay things and having gay thoughts. Yes my penis is huge and my prowess is phenomenal but I don't roll that way. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.