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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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orsmupdate 2016.06.30-19.39
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Welcome to sorry not sorry.

A lot of hours got hijacked this week. All totally my fault too - I foolishly tried to better the lives of others without considering that my shit would be messed up as a result. Kind of a 'give an inch and they’ll take a mile' situation. But I prevailed, worked my butthole off and by midday today had caught back up. Then the phone rang, it was daycare saying 'come collect your child'. Because wouldn’t want to leave a kid with a cough that they'd picked up from there around to infect other kids. No definitely not.

All that really gets the dick today is this top section where I write a bunch of words that no one reads anyway. But before we do - I've had a developer doing some stuff. The biggest change you guys may or may not notice is image galleries. Instead of seeing them on fem.orsm.net you'll now see them on orsm.net/i/. A minor change that took far more work than anyone expected. If you notice any problems please let me know here. Next on the agenda is to change everything to mobile friendly. Alright let's start with a bunch of jokes. Check it...

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Two carrots are riding in a car. They get into a terrible accident, and are rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots just has some scrapes and bruises, but the other is rushed to the operating room. Hours later, the doctor comes out and says "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that for the rest of his life he's going to be a vegetable".
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My doctor said to me "Do you know your sperm count?" I said "I didn't know they were that clever".
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A girl says to her boyfriend "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing". "Really?" said the boyfriend. "Yes" said the girlfriend "and do you know what song they sing?" "No" replied the boyfriend. "I didn't think so" she said.
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After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love. Hillary said "You didn't have sex, did you?" Chelsea said "Not according to Dad".
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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down". The second lady says "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock wood". She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks "Who's there?"
--
An old Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed" Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "TIMES UP?"     
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Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to the other "Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike?" Bill replies "Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good idea" Bill's friend replied. "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway".
--
Little Johnny and his family was having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer". said his mother. "I don't need to" the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house". "That's at OUR house". Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
--
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents. So the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate (also blonde) saw her and asked "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first".

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AmazingWoah! This Technology Will Change Car Commercials Forever- Srsly AwesomeNext Level Street Art - 57 Beautiful Examples That Are Pushing The Envelope Of Urban Creativity - Watch Them!The Best One-On-One Basketball Game Ever - Umm YES!!!'Fappachino' Anyone? A Coffee Shop In Switzerland Is Offering Oral Sex With Your Morning Brew - Small BoobiesRanked: 30 Hottest Flat-Chested Porn Stars In 2016 - Jihadi BBQThe Russian Air Force Has Been Carrying Out Non-Stop Airstrikes Over The Northern Syrian. Long Story Short - Dropping Phosphorus On Bad Guys And Its Fucking Spectacular. - Wait For It!Crane Tries To Pick Up And Move Water Tower, Fails Miserably - FuckedThis Is So Hilariously Messed Up I Guarantee It'll Be Your Go To Crazy Porn Story For A While. - OMFG OMFGOMFG OMFG OMG F OMG OMG OMG F F OMFG OMFG OMG OMG F FOMFG FOMG OFMG OMG F F OMFG OMFG OMG OMG F FOMFG FOMG OFMG OMG G OMG F F OMFG OMFG OMG

Hittin' ItThe Creampie That Made Her A Teen Mom - Lourdes NipsLourdes Leon Braless With Rock Hard Nipple Pokies - Falling OutAbigail Ratchford Out In The Night, And Wearing A Skin Tight Latex Dress With Her Mega Sized Titties On Display!! - Hawt HipsterThis Model Is Ali Michael. She’s Done Some Topless Work With Pretty Important People, But You’ve Probably Never Heard Of Her, Or If You Have You Can’t Place Her, Since Not Everyone Is Meant To Be Remembered Even If They Get Naked... - LOLLLLL!I Don't Know If This Guy Is Just One Lucky Son Of A Bitch Or He's A Pool Shark Trying To Hustle Like They Were Accidents But Damn What Are The Chances Of A Game Ending Like That. - Coz It HurtsShe Wasn't Happy After That Ass Reaming. - Fuck BuddySo What If Her Ass Looks Like The Comic Strip In Today's Newspaper. She's Fucking Hot! - Walk It OffPedestrian Runs Into Traffic Gets Launched And Walks Away - Can't BelieveIn This Case Finding The Hole Should Not Be The Problem, The Question Is Do You Really Want To Find The Hole? -

F-ing FucktardEmo Kid Gets Confronted For Vandalizing Train - Retro PornTheir Bed Side Manner Is Top Notch... Daily Meds, Food, Blow Jobs And Fucking. - Dildo FunBeautiful Brunette Shows Her Body While Stripping Her Yellow Bikini And Exposing Her Big Tits And Shaved Pussy. Best Of All She Rides Her New Dildo For *Our* Pleasure! - Slutty MILFBusty MILF Screams As She Gets Destroyed By A BBC - Daddy IssuesShe Doesn't Know The Meaning Of Gag Reflex. And With Skills Like That, She Could Take 3 Feet Of Knock Wurst Down Her Wind Pipe. - UnbelievableThis Truck Was Spotted On I-275 In Tampa Florida Advertising For Banking, Lawer, And Insurance Broker With A Confederate Flag, Swastika And The Word Nigger In Big Black Bold Letters. Can't Get Any More Racist Than That. - The Fuck?Woman Testing Mattress At The Mattress Store Is Kinda Horrific But Don't Dare Look Away - Miss BanghardLacey Banghard Gets Naked On A UK Themed Couch! Not Sure If Her Big Tits Are Pro Or Against The Brexit But I Am Definitely Pro Her Tits Regardless. - Vagina SlipAmanda Seyfried Forgot Her Panties On A Photo Shoo

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
--
I realised that one thing hasn't changed in Orlando... the projected birth rate.
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Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". His wife asked "What is that?" Paddy told her "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" His wife said "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
--
A woman was talking to her friend "over the fence" when she noticed her husband coming home carrying a bunch of flowers. Her friend said "Isn't that nice, he's bringing you flowers". The woman said "Great - that means another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!" The friend said "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"
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An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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-The old industry rule of thumb is that for every $1,000 invested in a room's construction, the hotel should charge $1 in Average Daily Rate. So a room that cost $300,000 to build, should sell on average for $300/night.

-The United States leads the world in number of hotel rooms with nearly 5 million rooms. China is second with 1.5 million rooms. Hotels in China are much more crowded though. Hotels in the US average 58 million guests annually (or 12 guests per room per year). Chinese hotels average 83 million guests annually (or 55 guests per room per year). German hotel rooms are even busier at 75 guests per room annually. Turkish hotels average 95 guests per room per year. Russia crams 44 million travellers into a mere 260 thousand hotel rooms (or 169 guests per room per year).

-If you're a Pearl status member of M Life (MGM Resorts' loyalty program) and staying at the Bellagio Las Vegas, you can choose two songs for the fountains to dance to, at a cost of $2,000. Or you can buy the $250,000 package, which gives you the largest bottle of champagne in the world (a 30-liter Ace of Spades) and a button that controls the fountains.

-The largest hotel in the U.S. can be found in Las Vegas. The MGM Grand is the third largest hotel in the world, with 5,690 rooms.

-Naumi Hotel is the first hotel in Singapore to have a women-only floor. It has five ladies-only suites hidden behind a security glass door, stocked with satin room accessories and skincare products.

-A boutique hotel is a smaller but luxurious hotel that has 10-100 rooms. The concept was started in 1980's in large cities like London, New York and San Francisco.

-Many people steal towels and bathrobes from hotels. What people don't necessarily realise is that, it's becoming more likely that stealing from hotels could get them caught and prosecuted. People have already been surprised by a new technology that tracks hotel items. A Miami-based company has been marketing a washable tag that can be sewn into towels, sheets and bathrobes, enabling hotels to locate them when they go missing. One business in Honolulu has already saved huge money employing this technology, reportedly reducing the number of pool towel thefts by a staggering 3,250 towels a month.

-There are some amazing hotels in the world, many of which have become tourist attractions in themselves. The Burj al-Arab hotel in Dubai is built on an artificial island in the shape of a gigantic boat's sail. The iconic ocean liner, RMS Queen Mary has been turned into a hotel, moored in Long Beach, California. There are hotels, The Jailhouse Lowengraben in Lucerne, Switzerland and the Liberty Hotel in Boston that are converted prisons. There are hotels built from converted airliners and converted from former nuclear bunkers. The Cuevas Pedro Antonia de Alarcon in Spain and several hotels in Turkey are built into natural caves. The Desert Cave Hotel in South Australia is built out of an old opal mine. There are ice and snow built hotels in Sweden, Finland, Germany and Canada that have to rebuilt every winter. Capsule hotels in Japan offer nightly accommodations in stacked, rectangular containers.

-A single sellable room or suite is called a "key". These days, the cost of building a new full-service hotel in NYC (including cost of land) can be $800K+ per key.

-Some of the biggest crimes in history have happened in hotels, and hotel crime is rising. As more people move more easily around the world, hotels can sometimes serve as embassies to the diabolical. These multinational ventures are run by serious thugs who sometimes aren't afraid to murder innocents. Two five-star hotels in Mumbai became bloodbaths in 2008 when the Indian army took on armed terrorists who had come to abduct western hostages. In 2013, two rival slum gangs fought it out with machine guns in the lobby of a hotel in Brazil, killing an innocent bystander. It may seem like something from an action movie, but this stuff really happens in hotels.

-Nearly a dozen of the 85 acrobats, divers, and synchronised swimmers in the "O" Cirque du Soleil show, which is performed in, on and above a 1.5 million-gallon pool at the Bellagio Las Vegas, have participated in past Olympics. Some are even gold medallists.

-According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest hotel still in operation is the Hoshi Ryokan, in the Awazu Onsen area of Komatsu, Japan which opened in AD718.

-Rooms with double beds are usually larger than rooms with king beds.

-The word "Motel" derives from "Motor Hotel" and is used for the budget hotels located near highways. The reason why this word appeared is that Arthur Heinemann, who opened his own motel in 1925, was not able to fit "Milestone Motor Hotel" in the nameplate of the hotel.

-We all know hotel bedspreads are infrequently cleaned. This was world news in 1992 when a hotel bedspread was submitted as evidence during the rape trial of boxer Mike Tyson. Forensic examination of the bedspread found bodily fluids from several different dudes who weren't Mike Tyson and who were nowhere in the vicinity of the alleged rape. When you consider that housekeeping staff are often poorly treated and typically paid minimum wage or less, human error and corner-cutting seem inevitable.

-Ceiling height is one of the most important factor affecting guests' perception of the quality and size of a hotel room.

-The chocolate fountain at the Jean-Phillippe Patisserie at the Bellagio is nearly 27-feet tall and circulates an astonishing two tons of melted dark, milk and white chocolate at a rate of 120 quarts per minute. No wonder it holds the Guinness World Record for largest chocolate fountain.

-The largest chain of hotels is the InterContinental Hotels, with 4600 hotels and above 674,000 rooms.

-In September 2013, a hotel security officer was charged with deliberately setting multiple fires in the two Manhattan hotels he'd been working at. He thought it would scare away guests and make his job easier.

-Hotel suicides have been a recognised phenomenon for over a century and possibly much longer. The phenomenon has even been the subject of several scientific studies. One thing we know is that people who commit suicide in a hotel are more likely to live locally. Apparently, the more hotels get built in one place, the more local people use them to suicide. This has been demonstrated in a study of hotel suicides in Las Vegas. There are obviously an extremely high number of hotels in Las Vegas, and the number of local people who checked in in order to check out was found to be significantly much higher than the hotel suicide rate for the rest of the surrounding county.

Sources: #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7

30 GIRLS WHO GOT BACK IN THE KITCHEN

GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.

Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?" The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.

She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness" the flight attendant says "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly". "I'm not afraid of flying" says the man sobbing loudly "I'm trying to give up drinking".

ORSM VIDEO


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Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam was crestfallen.

"Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy... no one left but me". "Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and we're leaving tomorrow, isn't there anything you can do?" "Well there's always me, I give specials..."

The first guy decided he'd go for it and when he came back downstairs he had a grin ear to ear. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of whipped cream and she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!"

The second fellow doesn't hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a while, grinning like the first. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the whipped cream, but she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the walnuts and licked off the whipped cream. Faantaaastic!"

The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back shortly thereafter, chin between his knees. "Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?" "Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts with a pineapple ring. Then there's the whipped cream, the chopped walnuts, but she's got some chocolate sprinkles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn! It looked so good I ate it myself..."

MCDONALD'S... PORNOGRAPHIED... OF COURSE...

MCDONALDS PORNOGRAPHIED

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ORSM VIDEO

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels".

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots". He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks". He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt". He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay, the damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother".

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad" the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly" answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.

BEACH BUTTS BECAUSE ITS SUMMER SOMEWHERE!

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Bob walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees, she then asked if she could help him.

Bob said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Bob then agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it".

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I will talk to my sister..."

When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. One third ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses...?"

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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The Abbot of a nearby abbey was out in the nearby city running errands downtown when he saw a woman of questionable character say to a passer-by "Twenty bucks for a blowjob" at which point the passer-by and the woman promptly went down the next alley, where they went out of view.

The abbot was perplexed, for the very same thing occurred at another street corner in the city. He was walking down a sidewalk, when another woman, much the same as the first, stated to another passer-by "Twenty bucks for a blowjob" at which point the two rapidly went into a nearby alley, where the abbot couldn't see what was going on.

Still not knowing what a "blowjob" was, the abbot left the city as naive as he was upon entering it.

Back up the hill, the abbot was still contemplating what a blowjob was, so he went to see the mother superior at the adjacent convent. "Mother superior" he asked "what's a blowjob?" "Twenty bucks, same as downtown!"

WORK SAFE? LOL WHY?? SHE'LL BE RIGHT MATE!

WORK SAFE

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour".

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in.

"What" he says "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

CANDY CANDY I CAN'T LET YOU GO...

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Two women friends met after many years.

"Tell me" said one "What happened to your son?" "My son? The poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful! And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed".

ORSM VIDEO


And with that my here is done work. Read that again.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Revolutionise your newsfeed.
-Check out the archives. They're dirtier than Charlie Sheen's blood.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless cunts; again.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will continue to bombard you with Zoolander quotes even though its been 15 years since that film came out. Its funny at first but after a while you'll be beggin him to Dere-lick his own balls.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and whatever you do - DON'T VOTE GREENS! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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