Welcome to hypersensitive in a hypercritical environment.
For how much this week has been impacted, hijacked and otherwise bastardised, no one is more surprised than I that the update has managed to arrive only slightly late. Of course if you're reading this paragraph some time other than Thursday night my time it's completely irrelevant and you're probably wondering why I didn't just say check it...
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says "What's that?" He says "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear".
Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife. "Please describe" said his attorney "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity". "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week" the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife". "One Sunday morning" he continued "we were in the midst of heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends!?'"
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mummy's teeth!"
At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always gets her way. "Honey" she said to her husband "when I get my way, that's a compromise". "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied "That's a miracle!"
My Grandpa said "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding - but it is a matter of life or death". "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home". "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death". "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man".
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
In the days before the pill, a young bride asked her gynaecologist to recommend the best contraceptives. He suggested she try withdrawal, douches and condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking in a shopping mall with three young children when she happened to meet her old doctor. "I see you didn't take my advice," he said, seeing the trio of youngsters. "Oh, yes I did, doctor" she insisted. "Dave here was a pull out, Ryan was a washout and Megan was a blowout".
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey" she said, thinking quickly "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong". She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Two VaginasSad To See How Camscamming Has Gone From "Side Gig" To "A Race To See Who Can Park A Kia Soul Up Their Twat First". Then Again... When Your Target Demographic Is People That Consider Hotdog Water A Cologne, You Gotta Be Ready To Adapt. - No EmpathySuicidal Chinese Woman Gets Run Over Twice In 2 Minutes - CrackingPhun.org's Bonus Butts #130 - Taking Cock19-Years-Old And Not Afraid Of Trying A Lil' Anal?? - FuckneckHandcuffed Whore Gets Neck Fucked - Can't Win - Drunk BJDrunk Friends Have Their First Porn Experience - U Cunts!Worst. Roommate. Ever. - HotnessHere’s Sexy Babe Sarah McDonald Showing Off Her Nice Tits On A Windy Day!! - Landing StripFarrah Abraham No Panties In Lace Lingerie
Take It ALLSeduction Done Right? Certainly An Unexpected Event @Inhumanity. Maybe Resulting In The Soiling Of One, Possibly Even 2 Saved By The Bell Loincloths. - What The F!?Oops? Street Performer Murdered By His Own Snake - Katya CloverTasteful Nudes - There Is Such A Thing! Yep A Model Can Actually Get Nude Without Needing To Come Across Totally Slutty. - PancakesHaywood Sullivan Is An Activist, Environmentalist, Surf, Travel, Lifestyle, Nature, Adventure Photographer Who Does Cool Things That We’d All Like To Do If We Didn’t Fear Outside, Physical Activity And Adventures. - CamsluttingThis Lucky Fucking Nerd Gets To Plough Her Tight Teen Ass - MismatchThe Top Doesn't Match The Bottom - Lucky BastardThis Dude Is One Lucky Bastard! - Crazy BitchSo, Would You Hit It? - Hard To PleaseWell THAT'S Gonna Void The Warranty
Statisticians are right 97 percent of the time. Who cares about the other 4 percent?
I was walking round the house naked after a shower when my teenage daughter saw me. "Eew, Dad, put some clothes on!" she said, screaming. "Get over it". I retorted defensively. "I see you naked all the time". For some reason, this didn't stop her screaming.
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Bill corrected, "If *I* drank a six-pack, of that brand, you'd look like her."
Guy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, gives him a big hug and kiss and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips off her panties and says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says the guy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
How do cripples make love? They rub their crutches together...
A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
It's mostly a matter of degree" the dad replied "Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialled a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says "Hello, is Fred there?" The man on the other end answered "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name".
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial "Hello, is Fred there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Fred there?" asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams " I told you Fred doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl "Now that is what anger sounds like". "Now you're going to hear exasperation". He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely "This is Fred, have I had any calls?"
Previously on Orsm: RESTAURANT FLASHING #3 - RESTAURANT FLASHING #2 - RESTAURANT FLASHING #1 - MORE >>
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!"
Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"
oung man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!"
Of course we did" says the general "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
|IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced "I have to take your temperature".
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer". This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway".
Previously on Orsm: SECRETARIES #4 - SECRETARIES #3 - SECRETARIES #2 - SECRETARIES #1 - MORE >>
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me'.
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. Of course one thing lead to another and they ended up spending the night together!
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed "Oh no!!! My wife!! Our dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way towards home. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
Just then the door opened, and appeared a very angry wife wondering where he's been all this time?
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Previously on Orsm: UNDERWATER #4 - UNDERWATER #3 - UNDERWATER #2 - UNDERWATER #1 - MORE >>
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "WHAT HAPPENED? I'll tell you WHAT HAPPENED! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and GUESS WHAT I FOUND? Your daughter, MY WIFE, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!"
"This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email!"
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A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is a bus driver.
The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says "You can come enter now". The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.
The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".
Previously on Orsm: FAKE TITS #2 - FAKE TITS #1 - MORE >>
One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighbourhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times".
OLDER SHITE: 12th April - 5th April - 29th March - 22nd March - 15th March - 8th March - 1st March - MORE >>
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
The wife answered "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband".
The fairy waved her magic wand and *POOF* two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and *POOF* the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful cunts should remember fairies are female.
Previously on Orsm: THIS IS THE PITS #1 - MORE >>
AND NOW, THIS:
A couple, experiencing problems in bedroom, decided to see a sex therapist. After asking a few questions and examining the couple, the therapist recommends they add excitement to their sex lives by adding food to sex.
The therapist recommends the wife plays ring-toss on the man's dick with doughnuts and then remove them orally. The couple tries it out and has great success. The husband is telling a friend about the remarkable turn around and the great advice from the therapist.
The friend and his wife, having the same problem, go to the therapist. After examining the patients, the therapist says there's nothing she can do. The couple begs for help. Finally the therapist suggests the couple plays the same game, except with cheerio's.
Previously on Orsm: SASHA - KASSANDRA - MILA - MELIKA - ALESSANDRA - HOLLY - IVETA - MARTINA - MORE >>
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to moisturise. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.