orsmupdate 2014.08.21-17.49
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Welcome to having always thought Dire Straits were an American band...

I've had a bee in my bonnet for years about the media. Basically the biggest bunch of cunts out of all professions. The lines between fact and opinion are deliberately obscured by bullshit because it makes for better TV or up's the pageviews. And that alone doesn't come close to covering all the shitty things they do but this week, for me at least, they can pat themselves on the back for bringing beheadings to the mainstream. There's absolutely nothing new about seeing people horrifically murdered online but it wasn't that long ago when shit like that could only be found in the deepest, darkest reaches of the internet. 'Chechen soldier throat slit' was a big deal when it first appeared on the internet and I only ever would have discussed it with my most demented mates. Now my newsfeed has lit up with people I'd never have expected to watch that sort of thing making comments about how outrageous it is, and "fuck Islam" and whatever... but they still watched because it was okay to watch because everyone else was. And with that society is another step closer to who knows what... somewhere probably pretty fucked up.

Talking of pretty fucked up lets skip across to my week and the goings-on. At this point it feels like a long, long time since I've been able to just sit down and relax so fucked up might not be quite right. It's constantly from one thing to the next. Always on, all the time. Tired and unsettled. Things could be far worse... or a bit better. Let's begin by recounting last Friday...

I arrived fashionably not that early on the building site to tackle a bunch of things that, unsurprisingly, needed tackling. Anyway... spent a couple of hours counting: how many internal and external light fittings we need, how many network points there are and also what plumbing fixtures are still required. And then set off to buy them all. I hit plumbing places and electrical places and hardware places and eventually returned with only a handful of what was needed. "Everything has to come from over east, sorry". Why companies have stores with stuff on display that you can't buy then and there confuses me.

The rest of my day was food shopping, a few hours working on this and other updates plus a bunch of things all to menial to warrant a mention so let's skip to Saturday...

The morning kicked off with the whimpering and grizzles of my nearly one month old. Grab her, palm off for a feed, shower self, quickly change nappy and begin the rocking-back-to-sleep process. If there's one thing I hate about parenthood it's that trying to get baby to sleep part. It's boring and frustrating when you have shit to do or somewhere to be. Just when you think they're asleep... WAAAH WAHH! I've now learnt the trick is to get them to sleep, put down in the bassinet and bail bail bail!! Then its mummy's problem...

Following that I was onsite for about 8.30 and out of these by about 3.30pm. Would've been hours sooner if not for neighbours coming over to chat and inspect, same with friends and fam and even rando's who live nearby just wanting a look/tour. Cheers everyone for selfishly monopolising my time but you're preventing me from well, you know, getting anything done. In some ways that was actually okay because it was heavy lifting day. A pile of the densest stone in the known universe had to be shifted from front to back followed by digging the biggest hole since that one opened up in Russia a few weeks ago. That lasted as long as it took me to strike and severe an ominous-looking cable a few feet down. Panic ensued; thankfully wasn't electrocuted and careful examination [aka a firm tug] revealed it to be the old telephone cable which had been previously disconnected. Telstra, why you no conduit?

The baby gurgling noises had me up shit-the-bed-early on Sunday. Put the time to good use by getting the fuck out and plonking myself in front of the computer to attack a gigantic pile of papers. A long passage of time later all bills were paid plus those of three other people. Why? Because believe it or not by using my credit card and taking the chance they'll conveniently forget to pay me is less of a headfuck than having to try and work it out in a few months when no one has any idea what was for what. Yes I understand that makes no sense. Put it this way - I pay the full bill, send an email to whoever requesting they transfer $X to me and hope for the best.

Next trick was to, same as the week before, politely ask prospective sister-in-law to get her ass over and babysit so we could escape the house and eat some dim sums. Firstly, thank god for helpful family. Secondly, the freedom to do what I want, when I want, is gone.

We invited the extended fam over that afternoon for tea and cake. None of them had met the latest addition yet so rather than torture our exhausted bodies and brains even more by squeezing a series of visits into time that I just don't have, a group thing seemed like a smarter idea. And it was. But something that has to stop the second anyone pops out a fuck trophy is the gift giving. To say we've cleaned up is a gross understatement. The baby shower was bad enough - literally couldn't fit everything in the back of our reasonably sized SUV to cart it home that day. The madness doesn't stop there though. A new round of present receiving starts as soon as the little cherub is liberated from its human encasement. Sure it's probably all just re-gifted and half of it will in turn be re-gifted but shit has gotten out of control. The best bit of advice I can give anyone senselessly obligated to prove friendship and love through gift-giving is that CASH is far more appreciated than presents. Going straight to a bank account for first car or schooling or travel or whatever is better than a third Sophie the Giraffe toy.

And as usual I managed to waffle on far longer than it had to. Luckily if you're still with me I get to tell you guys just how fucking awesome the below update it. Took forever selecting which 76 videos to post as well as what 5 galleries to make and which 50 pics would make a kick ass Random Shite. So go forth, make sure you have rubber gloves, tissues and lube [where necessary] ready and enjoy it like a Ferguson looter. Check it...

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Cruel/Fair - No F-ing Way!! - How Annoying - Favourites - Telltale Signs - Bike Ass - Revealing - Gorgeous - Porn Pitfall

Make 9 - Ga-Gross - Shame America - Relevant - Cunt Pig - Close Call!! - Racist Bitch - Silly Beans - Tarzangasm

Easy Is It? - I'ma Be Good - Skanked - Rock Bottom - Retro Porn - Church Slut - Squirter - Titties Out - Bikini Gem

The police have raided Cliff's house and removed loads of stuff, let's hope its child porn and not a new album.
An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room. In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling. The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one! Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says "What you mean... wrong hole?"
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded "What on earth are you doing?" To which the stranger nonchalantly replied "Quiet! I am listening to music!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion "I don't seem to hear any music". "Of course not" quipped the stranger "You're not plugged in!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualisation, association - it's made a big difference for me". "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"


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-If you're looking for something different then Aquamation is now thing - a process whereby the body is essentially broken down by warm moving water. Also see woollen coffins, biodegradable urns, and Promession where the body is freeze dried and shattered terminator style. It's also possible to be cremated and your remains launched into outer space.

-Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

-You are more likely to die slipping or drowning in the bathtub or getting struck by lightning than from Terrorism.

-Henry IV of France (1553-1610) was exhumed nearly two hundred years after his death so that a death mask of his face could be made.

-Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

-The practice of burying the dead dates back up to 350,000 years.

-Not all prisons offer the option of having a special final meal. The ones that do often set a $40 limit, to dissuade fanciful meals of caviar and lobster on the taxpayers' dime.

-During 1771, King of Sweden, Adolf Fredrick, died because of digestion problems as he was not able to digest the meal comprising of a lobster, sauerkraut, caviar, smoked herring and champagne topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert.

-60% of adults don't make a Will.

-A lethal injection is normally a combination of three drugs: First, sodium thiopental as anesthesia; second, pancuronium bromide as paralyzer; and third, potassium chloride to induce cardiac arrest. 16 states use lethal injection as the sole method of execution. In 2011, the sole US maker of sodium thiopental announced it would stop manufacturing the drug.

-A dead body begins dehydrating early in the decomposition process. Lack of moisture can draw the skin taught, which is why eyelids and lips will open if an undertaker doesn't take measures to keep them closed. Dehydrated skin also pulls away from the fingernail bed and from the scalp, giving the illusion that the nails and hair on a dated corpse have grown.

-In addition to a normal cemetery burial, Australians are able to be buried at sea, in their backyard (with council permission of course) or in a natural burial ground without a coffin.

-About 100 billion people have died in all human history.

-1,188 people were executed in the US from Jan. 1, 1977 to Dec. 31, 2009. Of those, 1,016 (85%) were executed by lethal injection, 156 (13.1%) by electrocution, 11 (0.9%) in the gas chamber, three (0.3%) by hanging, and two (0.2%) by firing squad.

-No American has died of old age since 1951. That was the year the government eliminated that particular classification on death certificates.

-More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

-In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.

-About 153,000 people will die on your birthday.

-When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

-In 1941 Sherwood Anderson died after swallowing a toothpick during a party. Anderson and his wife were on a cruise liner when he experienced abdominal pain and was taken to a hospital where he died on 8th march 1941. His autopsy report showed that he had unintentionally gulped down a toothpick while eating either hors d'oeuvres or from a martini olive.

-Doctors' sloppy handwriting is responsible for more than 7,000 people annually.

-The creator of the Pringles packaging had his ashes stored in a Pringles Can after he died.

-Cancer is a leading cause of death in Australia. More than 43,200 people died from cancer in 2011. Cancer accounts for about 3 in 10 deaths in Australia.

-Left-handers die 3 years earlier than right-handed people. Over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right handed people.

-In most states of Australia, if death takes place at home, you can care for your dead there for up to five days. There are now trained community-support workers and access to cooling beds in Australia to enable care to continue at home.

-35 million of your cells die every minute.


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"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Well, okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "Shit! THAT'S the word!


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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner" said the snake "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want".

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding". The rattlesnake said "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes".

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!"


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DEATH. [continued]

-The most common choice of last meal in the United States is a cheeseburger with fries. However, there have been some rather extravagant and downright weird choices. A man named James Edward Smith once requested a lump of dirt, apparently for a voodoo ritual. This was refused - soil is, unsurprisingly, not on the list of approved prison foods. He had yogurt instead. Robert Buell opted for a single black olive in the hope of his corpse sprouting into a tree. Gerald Lee Mitchell asked for a bag of Jolly Ranchers.

-On Jan. 4, 1903, Thomas Edison electrocuted Topsy the Elephant with 6,000 volts of electricity in front of 1,500 spectators at Luna Park Zoo on Coney Island. Edison wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alternating current (AC), which threatened the profitability of his direct current (DC) method of electricity distribution.

-When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. The first sense lost is usually sight. Then follows taste, smell, and touch.

-In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

-You are more likely to die from a falling coconut than from a shark attack. Sharks kill 12 people per year while people kill 11,417 sharks per hour.

-When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.

-In 2010, at least 527 executions were carried out by at least 23 countries, not including the thousands of executions carried out by China.

-Italian serial killer Leonarda Cianciulli was famous for turning victims into tea cakes and serving them to guests.

-The death penalty is not confined to one gender. As of early 2013 there were 63 women on death row in America. However, the ratio is extremely one-sided. Those 63 women constitute a measly 2 percent of the total death row population of 3,125.

-Mount Everest is littered with around 200 dead bodies which are now landmarks on the way to the top.

-China executes more people than every other country in the world combined. The exact numbers are unknown, as China treats executions as a state secret. Estimates vary as to the true number, most zeroing in at around 3,000.

-The National Academy of Engineering estimates that 15,000 deaths each year are directly attributable to air pollution. The National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health estimates that many of the 100,000 people who die each year from occupational exposure die as a result of hazardous air quality at work.

-Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid [formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol] into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulphur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

-80% of all Soviet males born in 1923 died in World War II.

-Since 1973 144 people have been released from death row after evidence proved their wrongful convictions. It is also important to note that the murder rate per capita in states that practice capital punishment is actually higher than in those that don't. Therefore, it could be stated that capital punishment is not an effective deterrent against murder.

-There are at least 41 federal capital crimes in the US (as of December 2010) including genocide, espionage, and treason as well as numerous forms of murder.-Every 90 seconds, one woman dies during pregnancy or childbirth.

-Alternatively, Swedish company Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a corn-starch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

-Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide.

-Greek philosopher Chrysippus is said to have died of laughter after getting his donkey drunk, trying to eat figs.

-Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague, which killed a quarter of Europe's population in the 14th century, was caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas. -The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen.


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A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped. He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved.

One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started a fire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air.

All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way. He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower, then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.

With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells,


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A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied.

But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?" The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy.

Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?" Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper was satisfied.

Then he saw a fourth duck, sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.

The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said "Boy, where are you from exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and tell me!"


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-Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

-Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

-Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

-For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

-Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

-The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

-It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

-Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

-Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

-Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

-Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

-Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

-Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

-It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

-The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course.

Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.


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Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for a vasectomy. My reasons are numerous and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm method". Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning.

A doctor suggested we use the "safe period" at the time we were living with the in laws and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown" but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the "Sheath". The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.

She was then supplied with the "Coil" and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The "Dutch cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is not successful, I will have to revert to Oral Sex although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully, Ivor Bollockoff


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Wendy was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes, and Wendy was among them. The police took them outside and lined them up along the driveway when, suddenly, Wendy's grandma came by.

Grandma asked "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Wendy told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" and proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry!"


Well I feel like my work here is done. Plenty of heart, soul and farts in this update so hopefully you cunts enjoyed. If not, well read on to see how I can fix that for you...

-Check out the site archives. That something that’s missing in your life? That’s the Orsm archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just 17 more updates till Xmas. [Too early to start counting?]
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ferociously masturbate to your beheading video.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and did I stutter? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.




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