orsmupdate 2014.10.30-19.54
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Welcome to why do you smell like toilet paper...?

It's just weird and unnerving and I don't quite know where to put myself. What's the idiot talking about you wonder? Having a relatively normal few days where anything and everyone doesn't do it's or their utmost to spite, undermine, shit on or otherwise monopolise my time is a rare occurrence. I'm usually so trapped working harder that it's impossible to work smarter. Updates, especially this year, have been a huge challenge; just sliding into home plate by the skin of my balls most weeks. Don't get me started on the demands of parenting and stupidity of trying to build houses either.

This past week everything just eased a fraction. Definitely a calm before the storm situation but I'm thankful nonetheless. It all started Friday...

One of the milestoney things I wanted to be there for was the baby's first foray into a pool. The GF booked some swimming class thing so off we went with a plan for me to go in with her. What I hadn't realised was that of the 10 or so other parents there... I'd be the only guy. Obviously this is a great perving opportunity but despite being on best behaviour, it felt like most of them had one eye on me. Long story short - curvy, self-conscious, new mums have big boobs. The rest of the day was daddy-daughter day. Took the munchkin along with me running around town tracking down various bits of hardware. Despite a few cries the providing care biz people complain about it easy.

Pumped through most of Saturday, predictably, working at/on/around house. We're at the part where there's a million little, niggling jobs needing doing. Basically all the stuff that I've known about for ages but decided to leave until last. Much progress was made however if the list I wrote earlier is anything to go by it was just a drop in a really, really large body of water.

Sunday started off wetter than your mum at a Rolling Stones concert and after waking at sunrise and finishing off some long overdue bookwork, it was time for another daddy-daughter day. With endless possibilities it was soon decided to head for the markets and load up on fruit and veg. The idea sounds simple enough but navigating tightly packed aisles and pushy Asians, carrying an overloaded basket with a baby strapped to your chest quickly becomes hard work.

Next stop was my grandmothers. Funniest thing to come out of that was her reaction to me doing a nappy change. Laughter and disbelief best sums it up. Apparently in her time men would never have dreamed of doing that. I'm not actually all that opposed to the old way...

Baby momma joined us eventually and we took off to a nearby street festival. The weather cleared up and suddenly it was perfect to walk around devouring the delicious yet horrifically unhealthy food. Cronuts much? Met up with some friends, ran into people we knew, enjoyed people watching and just had a relaxing time. And that was about it. Would be happy to pump out a street festival most weekends... or just have Sundays free to do as I please.

Alright no point senselessly prolonging that which does not need to be prolonged. Let's move forward with the update and a whole bunch of content far more entertaining than this mess of words ever was. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Check it...

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SO AwkwardDumb Dad Doesn’t Quite Get The Pregnancy Announcement - RidiculousHow Is This Ridiculous Crap Even Possible? - ThugifiedWon't Somebody Please Think Of The Children Of The Day: Thugified Kids Compilation - Eggs Bitch!What Happens When You Put 173 Eggs In A Microwave? Awesomeness, That's What! - SmashThis Is Serious! Think Of All The Kids Who Will Be Eaten By Their Pumpkins! - Amateur GirlsEnjoy The Motherload Of NUDE Real Amateur Girls - Creepy TextsSasha Grey Reads Out Some Creepy Explicit Texts That You Won’t Believe Are Real - In Da HoodHow Real Are Those Hood Prank Videos? - F-BombsIs This Morally Right? Little Girls Dressed As Princesses Drop F-Bombs In The Name Of Feminism

BrainteasedIt's A Puzzling Puzzler Puzzle Platformer That Will Break Your Brain - WINsuitCaitlin O'Connor In A See Thru Top On A Photo Shoot - Outstanding!Small Teen Beauty Heather Night Taking A Very Big Cock - Slomo TwerkStripper Looking Chick And Her Slow Motion Twerk - GoneHow Could They Possibly So Inattentive As To Not Hear A Train? - Slut CopTessa Fowler Is A Busty Police Officer With An Amazing Rack - Max SuckageCops Attempt At Singing The US National Anthem Is Nothing Short Of Abysmal - Nice GunsI Don't Know If She's Hitting Her Target, And I Don't Care. - Cumming!!!10 Of The Most Intense Orgasms Ever

Game Time!The Killer Look, The Look Of One Who Rides A Bike Without A Care In The World - AvoidableDrifting Africans Crushed To Death When Their Minivan Overturns - SwallowsAwesome GF Sucks And Swallows A Load In The Elevator - No GloryExplosive Cumshot Too Much For Her - JubbliesLeanne Crow In A Halloween Dress Is Something I'll Never Forget - Must Hurt?Little Asian Chick Takes A Gigantic Black Dick In Her - RattledAssorted Hotties Having Quivering Cum Sessions - Bitch BashBrutal Girl Street Fight In Austin, Texas With A Lot Of Fists Thrown - ScoringThis Totally Beats Having To Kick The Slapper You Picked Up Out In The Morning - Gaga NipsLady Gaga Nipples Through White Blouse Are A Welcome Site

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude" he told a friend "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back". "I had the same thing man" his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes". "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents". About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude". "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart".
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
A man frantically calls hotel management from his room "Please come fast I'm having an argument with her and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!" The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter". He replies "Like hell it is! The window won't open, so that's a maintenance matter!"


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Part 1 was posted forever ago and can be found by clicking here.

-How come no matter what colour the liquid is the froth is always white?
-Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
-Why do they call them guidance counsellors when all counsellors do is offer guidance?
-Why do they call it 'head over heels in love' if our head is always over our heels?
-Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the car pool lane?
-Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
-If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
-How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
-Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
-Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
-If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
-Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
-Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
-How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
-Do cows drink milk?
-Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick' name?
-If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
-Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
-What is a male ladybug called?
-Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
-Why is an alarm clock going 'off' when it actually turns on?
-If you wore a Teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
-How fast do hotcakes sell?
-If you mated a bull dog and a shih tzu, would it be called a bullshit?
-Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
-Does the President have to pay taxes?
-Why do they put 'for indoor or outdoor use only' on Christmas lights?
-If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
-If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
-Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
-Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
-What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their 'practice'?
-Is the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?
-What do you call a female daddy long legs?
-If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
-Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
-In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast or do they have to ask for American toast?
-Why is it called a 'drive through' if you have to stop?
-Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' go out of date next year?
-If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
-Why are softballs hard?
-Can vampires get AIDS?
-Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
-Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
-Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavouring?
-If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
-Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
-Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
-Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-What do Chinese people call their good plates?
-Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
-If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
-Does a postman deliver his own mail?
-Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
-Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
-Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
-Do mimes watch silent movies?
-Is the fear of flying groundless?
-Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
-Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
-Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up 'there' anyway?
-If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
-Why are boxing rings square?
-Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
-Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
-Why do people never say 'it's only a game' when they're winning?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-Why do birds have white poop?
-Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
-Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
-If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
-If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
-Do sore thumbs really stick out?
-Why do we 'scrub down' and 'wash up'?
-What's the opposite of opposite?
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
-Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
-Is the opposite of 'out of whack' 'in whack'
-If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
-Why is the blackboard green?
-Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
-Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
-What do you call male ballerinas?
-How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
-If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
-Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
-Did they have antiques in the olden days?
-Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
-If Pringles are 'so good that once you pop, you can't stop' why do they come with a resealable lid?
-Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
-What came first, the fruit or the colour orange?
-Where does the white go when the snow melts?
-Can blind people see their dreams?
-If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
-Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
-Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Why do donuts have holes?
-Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
-Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
-Do the different M&M colours taste different?
-If you're born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
-If you're caught 'between a rock and a hard place', is the rock not hard?
-Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
-Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
-Why do they call it a Running Back when he is running forward?
-If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
-Why do they call it your 'bottom' when it's really in the middle of your body?
-If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?


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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child "Go ahead honey say it just one more time". Once again the little Angel looks up and says "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"


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Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk". "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon".

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree". "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget". "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees-ees-ees... ees a ham bush..."


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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss?" The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle?" The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg". The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo" he said "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye" said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they went back to Norman's mum and dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he's going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet.

She replies, "No". Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!! Just go to school."

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Norman and Barry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think!! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Norman and Barry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Okay okay, tell me what you think!"

He says "Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline... and... I think I gave him my airplane glue".


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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black.


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Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."

Mohammad returned home after school. 

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad.  I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" 

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked. "Well, Miss, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."


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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to commentate all the neighbourhood activities...

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex.

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed.

Dad called out..."How do you know they're having sex...?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."


I feel like we've been here before. Déjà vu... or just the end of the update? Read on to find out...

-Check out the site archives. Undoubtedly the best Orsm archive around.
-Next update will be next Thursday. For a whole bunch of reasons, I'm looking forward to that one like a motherfucker.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will embroil you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop doing what people tell you to. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.




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