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orsmupdate 2016.05.26-19.46

Welcome to "willn't" instead of "will not".

This week has been all over the place like a mad woman's shit. Just when it looked like everything was on schedule, shit went to shit. Could be worse though - I've at least managed to get this update done whereas the GF hasn't been to work all week (yes dole bludgers, some people like going to work). Ah sick kids. Also, a huge fuck you to parents who knowingly take their kids out in public and/to infect everyone else's. I hope you all suffer horrific deaths or at very least a particularly painful paper cut or some sort of disappointment.

This update is pretty much only missing a bloggy section at the top here. That's the section where I crap on for a few paragraphs about what's been going on, share my deepest feelings, greatest fears, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations and occasionally review a film I've seen many months or years after its release. This week was going to be Deadpool, which I knew was totally going to suck because all the superhero films are basically shit yet was extremely surprised to find it was by far the best one yet/ever/forever. But I digress. The rest of the update is killer plus a whole bunch of other adjectives to indicate the high entertainment value of today's offering. I suggest you cover the floor in plastic sheets, get comfy, lob todge and prepare to spank it HARD. Check it...

-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Loads Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-




Harry staggers exhausted into his house. "What's wrong with you?" asks his wife. "I thought I'd save my $2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps Harry. "You idiot" says his wife. "If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved a $20!"
A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
For his birthday little Freddy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a $500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Freddy heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Freddy told him "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500k mortgage and no fucking bike!"
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied "Yes, I'm a friendly bear" and then another voice "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at HQ grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
There is safety in numbers. Unless there are 6,000,000 of you... and you're all Jews.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it". "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks". "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off".
A guy finds his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbour replies "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible". The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days". The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick..."

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Say What Bro? - Dog RacismEver Been Illegally Turned Away By A Taxi? Happens To Guide Dog Owners With Shocking Regularity - Fukn Angry!This 'Honk If You're Horny' Prank Is Legitimately Really Damn Funny - Little PricksBMX Punk Has To Call In Backup On Mall Security - Shenanigans50 Terrifying Face Swaps That Are Guaranteed To Give You Nightmares Forever - Umm For Real?The Secret Life Of Human Pups: A Weird Subculture Where Men Dress Up And Act Like Dogs - The SackThat's Nuts! Prankster Complains To Domino's About 'Uncooked Meatball' On Pizza - In Her AssHard In Ass... Squatting To Pick Better Ass... And What Splashes Out From Ass Cum. - WHORISH!Interracial Blowbang Confessions

Nooooo!?Man Cuts Off His Own Penis In Front Of Employees In A Store - After You!When You're Too Drunk To Navigate A Mirror - Nnnnnipslip!Sinitta Pops A Nipple On The Red Carpet - Street NudeDutch Playmate Jade Is Originally From Iran, And She Has VERY Nice Tits Which She Flashes All Over Amsterdam In These Pictures! - Ariel HawtnessAriel Winter Out Walking In A Singlet... No Bra. I Just Love This Chick So Damn Much. - Knock KnockI Dare One Of You Out There To Do This To Someone. I Have A Few Friends That Might Be Able To Take This Shit, But Still It Will End In Fisticuffs I Bet. - Tag Team BJNothing Better Than Looking Down And Seeing Two Tasty Blondes Sucking Your Cock - Great StoryA Former Crack Dealer Turned Top Nypd Cop Shows Us His Old Haunts - Beach SuckShe Forgot Her Sun Tan Lotion, So She Quickly Dispensed Some From Her Man's Cock. -

Endless OrgasmFor This One Time I Wish I Was A Girl, This Girl. How Great Must It Be To Have A 2 Minute Orgasm! - UnluckyTruck Tyre Explodes In Bystanders Face - She SquirtsTurns Out This Blue Haired Ebony Babe With Huge Boobs Is Deepthroat Master And She Really Gets Those Juices Flowing Everywhere - Love ThisThis Opticwash Machine Is Touted As A "Car Wash For Your Glasses And Rings" And When You Put It Like That, It's Hard Not To Test It Out. - Killer RackGoodness Gracious Those Are Some Huge Boobs! - Sexism!Woman Gets Hit On, Harassed And Makes Less Than A Man When Selling A Diamond Ring In NYC - Oh FFSNothing To See Here Just An Instructional Video On How To Properly Lay Pipe. Sounds Like That Lady Is Enjoying Watching This Man Have Sex With A Building... - Srsly CuteJosie Canseco’s Lookin’ Good In Her Best Slutty Pics Ever - Bikini BabeAugust Ames Is A Sexy Surfer Babe Who Gets So Turned On By Surfboards That Her Bikini Magically Falls Off All By Itself! - Mariah TittyMariah Carey Areola Slip Leaving Nightclub

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well okay then, I guess it can stay". After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be okay". Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
"Well" snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave". "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!"
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift. "Anything at all, my love" I said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know" replied Helen "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need". The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.


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Not sure I agree with all of these. Some are way off the mark and others would qualify you for a free Girly Man Lifetime Membership. Guess that's why everyone doesn't just automagically like everyone. The message remains the same though - girls understand us about as well as we understand them. The only real difference is 99% of guy problems can be solved by coming and touching our junk. What do you think? Check it...

1. We aren't mind readers.
2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.
3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.
4. Smoking is the biggest turn off.
5. It never hurts to work out.
6. If you don't want to hear the truth, don't ask the question.
7. "Fine" or "whatever" is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
8. If you want sex, just ask.
9. Don't expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. It's not reality!
10. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.
11. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.
12. You don't need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us.
13. Naked is always good so stop worrying.
14. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.
15. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.
16. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we have the biggest penis you've ever dealt with.
17. If we're not getting love we'll start looking!
18. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.
19. Most of the time when I fantasise it is about another person.
20. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won't consider it cheating. Actually we strongly encourage it.
21. Your hair is like 14+ inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter inch missing.
22. You shouldn't be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you. All we need is friction.
23. Watching porn is like breathing - it would impossible to stop.
24. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can't explain it but it is just fact.
25. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn't your parents teach you not to quit.
26. Giving head is never a bad idea.
27. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower with us.
28. There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on top of us. (2) Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast.
29. We don't mind going to faggy romcom movies with you but don't tell our friends.
30. You can't hold it against us if we cry after our favourite sports teams loses or whenever a dog dies in a movie.
31. "The game is on" is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
32. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.
33. You're probably not as funny as you think.
34. Brad Pitt/Channing Tatum/ Liam Hemsworth are probably cool guys but if I hear one more girl say "he's so hot" he/they may have to die!
35. Your period should be referred to as 'Blowjob Week'.
36. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can use a grill.
37. Don't get mad if we refuse to hook up your "ugly friend" with one of our friends.
38. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.
39. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and probably have a stash of your naked pics.
40. The red light means the video camera is off.
41. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.
42. Whipped cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream. Also mints just don't make your breath fresher.
43. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control.
44. The only thing left to be said after sex is "goodnight".
45. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
46. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.
47. Guys nights out are sacred events.
48. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.
49. The jeans don't make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.


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A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside looking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door. The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married, and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days. The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn, where they retire to immediately.

A few days go by and there is no sign of the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up "Are you all right in there?"

"Yes thank you" comes the reply. "Aren't you getting hungry?" asked the farmer "You haven't been out for a week". "It's all right" comes the reply "we're living off the fruits of love". "Well" said the farmer "I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window!"


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A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs through the phone book for Red Adair's number. Red is a famous oil-firefighter. Foreman finds the number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since he's fighting an off-shore rig fire in Southern California.

Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adair, a "Red <suitable JEDR surname" advertising rig fire services at $100 per hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adair anyway, the guy calls and describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene within the hour.

True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a grungy '68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing, the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running around, proceed to beat out the fire completely.

Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum). The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the prompt and effective work. "Man, this will REALLY help" says Red.

"Oh?" says the foreman. "How so?" "Now I can go buy brakes for the truck".


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50. 99.5% of the time we didn't mean to upset you!
51. Give me my space. I am not going to voice everything I feel. I do better working things out on my own sometimes.
52. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
53. Admit it, you CAN be wrong.
54. Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
55. Don't read too much into what I say.
56. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
57. Keep the past in the past. I don't judge you for your past, don't judge me for mine.
58. Shopping is not a sport.
59. Be on time. Please for the love of GOD be on time.
60. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
61. You have enough clothes.
62. You have too many shoes.
63. The only time I want to hear about your period is if it is on time.
64. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
65. Ponytails are hot. End of story.
66. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
67. You don't have to order a salad on our date. We won't think you're fat for ordering a burger.
68. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss occasionally.
69. Don't listen to ANYTHING my friends say. Because chances are, they're either a) making it up b) made me do it or c) think they are incredibly funny.
70. Don't blame us for not knowing something you expected us to know without telling us.
71. My "bromances" allow me to fully enjoy you, so let me enjoy them.
72. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
73. No shave November NEVER applies to you.
74. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
75. I have not thought about marriage. Not because it doesn't interest me, but because my mind doesn't work like that.
76. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
77. If I hesitate for any length of time, I probably wasn't listening.
78. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
79. Don't expect me to know the difference between different types of clothing. A dress is a dress, pants are pants, and a shirt is a shirt. Hot or not is my philosophy.
80. Your mum or sister doesn't have to be our best friend.
81. Boobs are like pillows from God. You may have them, but you do not understand them.
82. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
83. You don't have to like everything I do. Let's share the things we like together and enjoy the other things we like apart.
84. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
85. I don't watch romance movies. I won't chase after you, I will just assume that you need your space.
86. Remember when it comes to makeup; less is more.
87. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
88. Teeth aren't okay. EVER.
89. You don't have to know everything about sports if you don't want to. I like explaining things to you.
90. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
91. Gossip Girl is great, but I'll stick with my Xbox.
92. Guys are competitive; if you win at something, don't rub it in. We won't take it easily.
93. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
94. I'm sure your ex is great, but I don't ever want to hear about him.
95. Please learn how to handle your alcohol.
96. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
97. Keep your hair out of my mouth and out of my shower.
98. Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
99. Feel free to praise us for everything we do for you. A BJ will usually suffice.

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One evening after attending the theatre two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman".

To their surprise, the woman turned and said "I'll take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it".

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds". The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained what had happened. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented".

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defence was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned.

He said: "Your Honour, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted".

The young lady's lawyer continued: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much large than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted". She got it.


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This guy's wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he said he didn't think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring him and finally he gave in.

So they're on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.

Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and search and find the ball, and he says to his wife "I'll just take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway". His wife says "Wait a minute!" She walks over to the barn and opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and opens that door too. She says "Look, honey, you can see the hole from here! The way you've been playing, just hit through the barn and you'll do okay".

So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly.

The grief-stricken man didn't play golf for several years after his wife's death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly, he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn!

They finally find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in the fairway. One of his buddies says "Wait a minute!" and runs and opens the barn doors.

The guy screams at him "You dirty SOB, the last time I tried that, I took a 9 on this hole!!"


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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.


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Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, taking pity on the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants.

The Italian says "I'd like to take a woman with me". The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary.

The Jew says "I'd like to take a telephone with me". The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with his telephone.

The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me". The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad!"

The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone.

The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says "Anybody got a match?"


Well my work here is done but the fun doesn;t have to stop. Read on if you want answers to the hard questions...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're what happens if someone carefully preserves every single Orsm update ever.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't ask why. We're past that point.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will not do the honourable thing.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy anxiety. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.