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As per usual its been a couple of weeks between updates and as usual there seems to be a few of you out there who are wondering if I'm still alive... well... I am.
It's been far too hard to concentrate on anything website related lately. Three public holidays spread over a week or so usually ensures that there isn't too many people wanting to work and that there is a lot of people wanting to play... and as you may have guessed I went with the latter option.
I've managed to squeeze in some golf, some drinking, several breakfast, lunch and dinner outings, plenty of hours on the couch watching the Seinfeld marathon on cable, family stuff, a car show and my favourite - sleeping in. It's been like the Christmas/New Years break all over again except this time the festering heat of Summer is not with us. Almost perfect you may say.
Having said that, I haven't been totally lazy. I've finally embarked on another little project that I've been putting off for too long now - I'm switching the site over from plain old HTML to PHP. I suppose unfortunately for me, the countless hours its going to take probably wont be noticed by anyone.
Basically every page on this site is created with one of a number of pre-made templates and if I ever needed to change anything on one of those pages, I would have to re-upload every page that uses that template back on to the site. Not too much of an issue when the site was 20-30 pages but as it stands now theres 1500-1600 or so. Drastically inefficient.
The benefit of PHP in this instance is that I need only edit and upload as little as one file to make a change to the entire website... so in future what would have taken me 2-3 hours will now take me 2-3 minutes thus leaving me more time to conjure excuses as to why it's been so long between updates...
Whilst this is done over the next few weeks you may notice a few links around the site broken or not working or whatever. To get around this you will usually just need to change the file extension in your browser location bar from .html to .php. You'll get an error page explaining it in more detail anyways. Don't forget to email me and let me know which link is rooted!
GOT MAD DESIGN SKILLZ? UP FOR A CHALLENGE? I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DESIGN A LOGO FOR THE SITE! WINNER WILL SCORE A COPY OF BRITNEY DOES ANNA! MORE INFO HERE!!
I've said it before - I'm a news junkie but I think I'm right on the money by saying that the world's media is absolutely and utterly out of control with hundreds and thousands of redundant stories being thrust in our faces 24/7. This being the case I hereby start a list of words and phrases I never want to hear again: Iraq, Baghdad, Saddam, Osama, SARS, and PAN Pharmaceuticals. That's all I can think of at the moment but I'm sure we can have a decent list going by next update. Email me here.
ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: SOMETIMES TRYING TOO HARD IS WORSE THAN NOT TRYING AT ALL.
Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ AllSitesAccess.com. Check it.
Piggy Test - Iraqi Proof - White Van Man - Mecca Donalds - Crazy Car Modz - Taliban Reunited - Captain Obvious
Wales: Axis Of Exil - Virtual Undressing - Will You Go To The Prom With Me - Tard Blog - Celeb Prank Calls
Think it's about time to bust a move on this update and get on with the good stuff. As you read this keep in mind that some poor bastard slaved away at the computer for days on end just to bring you the finest in quality, free entertainment!
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Texas Cowboy on his way to Billings for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks "Once, my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's comin' "....
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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
ORSM VIDEO
This is probably one of the most impressive ad's I have ever seen. Apparently took several hundred takes to get it all in just one shot all with out using computers in any way. Amazing!
- Honda Accord: Cogs - |
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there'sRyan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true."Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Two netball teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in London. The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realised she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
This guy had a very attractive wife, who always wanted clothes, jewellery, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!" His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet"
ORSM VIDEO
There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your dick."
John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done. As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak.
He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y. Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed on his dick.
So John said "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too." The guys looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?" John replied "Well, I noticed the W and the Y tattoo - so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?" The black guy laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.'"
Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, " What are you doing Linda-Lou?" She replies " You told me to show Mark my best southern hospitality." Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Mark's balls are on the cold kitchen floor."
READER MAIL
Dean wrote:
Subject: Girls verses Guys shopping.
Just read your bit about shopping and how guys and chicks go shopping for entirely different reasons. Yes, I go into Perth every weekend and can happily spend time but no money on watching babes. From some of the stuff they wear, I'd say they're there to be watched !
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B.Jones wrote:
Subject: Woman
Hi, your last update referred to your inability to understands women's shopping habits, now I don't know just how old you are but I would have thought that by now you would have begun to get the drift of women, that is......don't try to understand them at all because it's their job to confuse men, and once you've really got that under your belt then you lose a lot of your interest in them, it's God's way of checking you out on your soul progress, if you're still hypnotized by women then you can be sure that you aren't very interested in God, and that means a lot more earthly returns for you and that means a lot more suffering.
Have a read of Ramakrishna Paramahansa, he coins the dilemma by saying:
"Woman is the embodiment of Maya." In good faith .......no offence.
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Lesio wrote:
Subject: Mistake ?
Hello. You're wrong to write that... "The latest in Russian car maker technology brings us superior 4 wheel
steering making the barely mastered art of reversing a thing of the past!
Check it out..." This is a Polish car - Fiat 126p. This movie was filmed in Poland, not in
Russia, in a little town near Warsaw. I would be pleased if you could
correct that mistake. Thanx and bye.
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Changing Jobs
Ladies and Gentlemen,
As you know, I have always had a flair for the mechanical and an opportunity
presented itself for me to retire from the manufacturing business and open a
car repair service with a very well qualified partner.
Our quality service costs a little more but we hope we can count on your
business.
Thanks,
Mike
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Phuquing Phunny Stuph wrote:
Subject: SUBMISSION
Here's a couple for the Truck Images. From Collie Coal Mine, Western Australia. Cheers, Stuart.
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Andrew Stone wrote:
Subject: Orsm here's a mad movie of a blast from one of our mines in WA
I recorded this movie a while back up at one of the pits at Yandi mine
in the north west of WA.
Maybe put this on the site. Read your site every update man I hang out for it.
Keep goin. It must get a bit tedious but you've got a big fanbase man if
I ever see you in the streets of perth id openly thank you for giving me
something to do while I'm at work. |
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Beeno wrote:
Subject: Nice video of B-2 launching JDAM's
G'day Orsm. Found this link posted on the aus.service.defence NG. It nearly 3.5 M so sending the link instead of the file. (dialup sucks!) Know how much you're into this kind of stuff. |
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Samuel
wrote:
Subject: Earth from Space
This photo was taken via satellite, on
a cloudless day. Note how the lights are already on in Holland,
Paris, and Barcelona, and how it's still daylight in London,
Lisbon, and Madrid. The sun is still shining on the Straight
of Gibraltar, and the Mediterranean Sea is already in darkness.
In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see the Azores
Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands;
a bit below are the Canary Islands; and further south, close
to the farthest western point of Africa, the Cape Verde Islands.
Note how the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during
daytime and night time. To the left, on top, is Greenland,
totally frozen. Fantastic and impressive. |
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Jeff Strunk wrote:
Subject: Erie Pa USA - Famous for panty sniffin' raver chicks?!
It’s a small world, mate. The crazy panty chick has a wigged-out car, too. It’s an old pic, but I see the car every now and then. She made the local paper here.
I actually ate at the Wendy’s she worked at. I see this shot has her Wendy’s uniform and name tag ready to go. Do you think she sold the panties she wore on that shift? Hope she washes her hands between "jobs"! It’s good to see little Erie get some panty-sniffin’ publicity world-wide. Makes me proud to live in this frozen backwater. So ORSM has at least two fans in Erie!
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After the Turkish Parliament voted to disallow American troops in Turkey for an Iraq war, former Turkish Prime Minister Bulent Ecevit phoned President George W Bush: "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Ecevit.
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Turkish-American friendship," answered the Turkish prime minister.
"How coincidental is that" said President Bush. "I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw Turkey and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Mr. Ecevit. "I don't know," answered the president, "I can't read Greek."
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, but instead she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours! He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours, but instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the first doctor. "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"
POSTERS FOUND ON DUBLIN BUSSES
WORTH-A-SURF
Matts Models - Maul Rat - Being Famous - Monkey Stix - Only Motorsport - Drunk TV - Cloud Strife
Hole In The Net - Com3 Designs - Urban Underworld - Drunk University - Snuff Daddy Guffer - Village Idiots
JACOBS BOY
Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15." Jacob decided to spend $10.
More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt Lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"
"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father." "What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?" To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."
There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himselfShaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks," he replies. The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!, see what you get for five bucks?"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet
dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass
for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in
the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to
donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
FINANCIAL STRATEGY
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and then watches to see what she will do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologising profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
ORSM VIDEO
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess
you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.
UNION MAN
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
RANDOM SHITE
Some of the finest shite money can't buy available right here for free...!! Last few are pics I took at AutoExpo last week. Mostly Commodores and Falcons... was quite disappointed there was only one BMW and no Mercedes there.
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
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A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and al tar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
Well as always it's been a labour of love but that's about all I'm good for this week. Tune back in next week [or maybe even the week after!] and witness me try and out do this update. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to show me your love by way of expensive gifts! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
