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April 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.04.29-22.10

As per usual its been a couple of weeks between updates and as usual there seems to be a few of you out there who are wondering if I'm still alive... well... I am.

It's been far too hard to concentrate on anything website related lately. Three public holidays spread over a week or so usually ensures that there isn't too many people wanting to work and that there is a lot of people wanting to play... and as you may have guessed I went with the latter option.

I've managed to squeeze in some golf, some drinking, several breakfast, lunch and dinner outings, plenty of hours on the couch watching the Seinfeld marathon on cable, family stuff, a car show and my favourite - sleeping in. It's been like the Christmas/New Years break all over again except this time the festering heat of Summer is not with us. Almost perfect you may say.

Having said that, I haven't been totally lazy. I've finally embarked on another little project that I've been putting off for too long now - I'm switching the site over from plain old HTML to PHP. I suppose unfortunately for me, the countless hours its going to take probably wont be noticed by anyone.

Basically every page on this site is created with one of a number of pre-made templates and if I ever needed to change anything on one of those pages, I would have to re-upload every page that uses that template back on to the site. Not too much of an issue when the site was 20-30 pages but as it stands now theres 1500-1600 or so. Drastically inefficient.

The benefit of PHP in this instance is that I need only edit and upload as little as one file to make a change to the entire website... so in future what would have taken me 2-3 hours will now take me 2-3 minutes thus leaving me more time to conjure excuses as to why it's been so long between updates...

Whilst this is done over the next few weeks you may notice a few links around the site broken or not working or whatever. To get around this you will usually just need to change the file extension in your browser location bar from .html to .php. You'll get an error page explaining it in more detail anyways. Don't forget to email me and let me know which link is rooted!


I've said it before - I'm a news junkie but I think I'm right on the money by saying that the world's media is absolutely and utterly out of control with hundreds and thousands of redundant stories being thrust in our faces 24/7. This being the case I hereby start a list of words and phrases I never want to hear again: Iraq, Baghdad, Saddam, Osama, SARS, and PAN Pharmaceuticals. That's all I can think of at the moment but I'm sure we can have a decent list going by next update. Email me here.


Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ AllSitesAccess.com. Check it.

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Piggy Test - Iraqi Proof - White Van Man - Mecca Donalds - Crazy Car Modz - Taliban Reunited - Captain Obvious

Wales: Axis Of Exil - Virtual Undressing - Will You Go To The Prom With Me - Tard Blog - Celeb Prank Calls

Think it's about time to bust a move on this update and get on with the good stuff. As you read this keep in mind that some poor bastard slaved away at the computer for days on end just to bring you the finest in quality, free entertainment!

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Texas Cowboy on his way to Billings for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks "Once, my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's comin' "....


Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


This is probably one of the most impressive ad's I have ever seen. Apparently took several hundred takes to get it all in just one shot all with out using computers in any way. Amazing!

- Honda Accord: Cogs -

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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there'sRyan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true."Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

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Two netball teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in London. The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realised she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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This guy had a very attractive wife, who always wanted clothes, jewellery, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!" His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet"


There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your dick."

John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done. As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak.

He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y. Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed on his dick.

So John said "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too." The guys looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?" John replied "Well, I noticed the W and the Y tattoo - so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?" The black guy laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.'"

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Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora

Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora - Dora

Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, " What are you doing Linda-Lou?" She replies " You told me to show Mark my best southern hospitality." Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Mark's balls are on the cold kitchen floor."


Dean wrote:
Subject: Girls verses Guys shopping.
Just read your bit about shopping and how guys and chicks go shopping for entirely different reasons. Yes, I go into Perth every weekend and can happily spend time but no money on watching babes. From some of the stuff they wear, I'd say they're there to be watched !

B.Jones wrote:
Subject: Woman
Hi, your last update referred to your inability to understands women's shopping habits, now I don't know just how old you are but I would have thought that by now you would have begun to get the drift of women, that is......don't try to understand them at all because it's their job to confuse men, and once you've really got that under your belt then you lose a lot of your interest in them, it's God's way of checking you out on your soul progress, if you're still hypnotized by women then you can be sure that you aren't very interested in God, and that means a lot more earthly returns for you and that means a lot more suffering. Have a read of Ramakrishna Paramahansa, he coins the dilemma by saying: "Woman is the embodiment of Maya." In good faith .......no offence.

Lesio wrote:
Subject: Mistake ?
Hello. You're wrong to write that... "The latest in Russian car maker technology brings us superior 4 wheel steering making the barely mastered art of reversing a thing of the past! Check it out..." This is a Polish car - Fiat 126p. This movie was filmed in Poland, not in Russia, in a little town near Warsaw. I would be pleased if you could correct that mistake. Thanx and bye.

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Changing Jobs
Ladies and Gentlemen, As you know, I have always had a flair for the mechanical and an opportunity presented itself for me to retire from the manufacturing business and open a car repair service with a very well qualified partner. Our quality service costs a little more but we hope we can count on your business. Thanks, Mike

Noam Karni wrote:
Subject: really cool
This is me and my drunk friends after a busy night.... i'll b glad 2 find it on your site

Phuquing Phunny Stuph wrote:
Here's a couple for the Truck Images. From Collie Coal Mine, Western Australia. Cheers, Stuart.

Andrew Stone wrote:
Subject: Orsm here's a mad movie of a blast from one of our mines in WA
I recorded this movie a while back up at one of the pits at Yandi mine in the north west of WA. Maybe put this on the site. Read your site every update man I hang out for it. Keep goin. It must get a bit tedious but you've got a big fanbase man if I ever see you in the streets of perth id openly thank you for giving me something to do while I'm at work.

Beeno wrote:
Subject: Nice video of B-2 launching JDAM's
G'day Orsm. Found this link posted on the aus.service.defence NG. It nearly 3.5 M so sending the link instead of the file. (dialup sucks!) Know how much you're into this kind of stuff.

Samuel wrote:
Subject: Earth from Space
This photo was taken via satellite, on a cloudless day. Note how the lights are already on in Holland, Paris, and Barcelona, and how it's still daylight in London, Lisbon, and Madrid. The sun is still shining on the Straight of Gibraltar, and the Mediterranean Sea is already in darkness.

In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see the Azores Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands; a bit below are the Canary Islands; and further south, close to the farthest western point of Africa, the Cape Verde Islands. Note how the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during daytime and night time. To the left, on top, is Greenland, totally frozen. Fantastic and impressive.
Jeff Strunk wrote:
Subject: Erie Pa USA - Famous for panty sniffin' raver chicks?!
It's a small world, mate. The crazy panty chick has a wigged-out car, too. It's an old pic, but I see the car every now and then. She made the local paper here. I actually ate at the Wendy's she worked at. I see this shot has her Wendy's uniform and name tag ready to go. Do you think she sold the panties she wore on that shift? Hope she washes her hands between "jobs"! It's good to see little Erie get some panty-sniffin' publicity world-wide. Makes me proud to live in this frozen backwater. So ORSM has at least two fans in Erie!

After the Turkish Parliament voted to disallow American troops in Turkey for an Iraq war, former Turkish Prime Minister Bulent Ecevit phoned President George W Bush: "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Ecevit. "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Turkish-American friendship," answered the Turkish prime minister.

"How coincidental is that" said President Bush. "I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw Turkey and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Mr. Ecevit. "I don't know," answered the president, "I can't read Greek."

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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, but instead she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours! He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours, but instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the first doctor. "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"


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Matts Models - Maul Rat - Being Famous - Monkey Stix - Only Motorsport - Drunk TV - Cloud Strife

Hole In The Net - Com3 Designs - Urban Underworld - Drunk University - Snuff Daddy Guffer - Village Idiots


Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15." Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt Lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father." "What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?" To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

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There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himselfShaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!


Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage

Kage - Kage - Kage - Kage

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A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks," he replies. The hooker swears at him and walks away.

A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!, see what you get for five bucks?"

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China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China

China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China - China

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and then watches to see what she will do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

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Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."


Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia

Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia - Nadia

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Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologising profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."


A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.

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A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Some of the finest shite money can't buy available right here for free...!! Last few are pics I took at AutoExpo last week. Mostly Commodores and Falcons... was quite disappointed there was only one BMW and no Mercedes there.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and al tar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

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Well as always it's been a labour of love but that's about all I'm good for this week. Tune back in next week [or maybe even the week after!] and witness me try and out do this update. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to show me your love by way of expensive gifts! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.04.15-19.48
After all these years I still can't figure it out. Why the hell do females love shopping so much? I love buying stuff as much as the next guy but stuff generally pertains to new bits and pieces for the computer, the car or whatever. You know - cool shit, toys. Basically everything I don't need and nothing I do.

Jump back a week or so. We had a slight change in living arrangements which left us needing to buy a few bits and pieces for the house namely a washing machine and some crockery and cutlery. I ended up opting to purchase the latter whilst leaving DtM to get the washer.

Anyways, I head out on the Thursday afternoon to the shops and get a fone call en route from mother dearest who persuades me to delay until the next day so she can go with me - just so I don't get ripped off and buy crap. I roll my eyes a few times and begrudgingly agree. I head home.

The next morning rolls around and I awake with high spirits and full of motivation ready for the day ahead. The plan was all good. Leave mine, pick mum up, quick trip to Karrinyup, buy some shit, drop her off and head home to work for the rest of the day.

That was my first mistake. I'm still not sure what it is that fools me into thinking proceedings will be that easy and after traumatic childhood years of near torture being dragged shop to shop I wonder how I can still be so naive? Silly Wabbit...

Unbeknownst to most males this is where motherly instinct take over and turns what was once a normal functioning Mum into a Terminator-like machine. It's a quest; a quest to get the best bargain, to haggle the hardest and ofcourse to spend someone else's money, all in aid of making sure that eldest [and most loved!] son has half decent plates and forks in his kitchen.

I can't argue the motivation here. What I do have a problem with is the guerrilla shopping tactics employed. When I leave the house to go clothes shopping for instance, I'm usually back in less than an hour. I know what I want to get, I get it, I'm done. All I really want out of the experience is that few minute walk through the shops checking out the hotties parading around the place. Simple.

All up from when I left my house to when I got home we'd visited 5 retailers and wholesaler across 3 different suburbs. As planned I'd ended up with a complete crockery set, a complete cutlery set and the not so planned 4 dinner table chairs [I'd stupidly made mention weeks previous that - at some point - I needed chairs] and ofcourse spent far more than I had intended to.

How long did it all take? 6 hours! 6 LONG hours at that. I think I only really became frustrated in the dying minutes of the ordeal when it became apparent that everything [bar the chairs] were going to be purchased from the very first place we had started at that morning...

It's now I realise that shopping for men and women are 2 very different things. The ladies are there actually shopping, on a mission to get the best stuff at the cheapest price. The guy's on the other hand are there for a completely different reason - to walk around comparing the chick they saw in the freezer section at Woolworths to the perfume girl at Myer...

Muted Media. Bringing the absolute finest from the darkest corners of the web right to your desk top. Pranks, politics and porn make it something no other internet radio can be - worth a listen. Click here to be enthralled by what a couple of guys with an abundance of time on their hands can do with a microphone and check out Muted Media.

We've more or less skipped over Autumn this year and straight into the refreshing cold and rain of winter in a real big hurry. One week it was sweltering hot and in the following came lightning, thunder and even some inner city flooding...

I've been racking my brain for ages now trying [as I do] to come up with some sort of a logo for the site. Why? Well I think it'd be cool if people could recognise the site by way of a symbol or logo instead of just the word. Think Nike's Swoosh or Mastercard's joined circles - you see the logo and you know where they're from. As usual this is where you guy's come into it. I'm holding a competition to see who can come up with the best logo [to be judged by me]. Only rules are that it has to be unique and original - I'm open to anything so fire away. Winner will score themselves a copy of the amazing Britney Does Anna DVD. Submissions go here.

You Know You're Past 25 When - You Know You're Italian When - Bloody Foreigners - Why Chicken Why?

Iraq Information Minister - Leader Of The World - Zip Zaps - Aria & Veronica - Fraggle Rock - Shoot Saddam

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

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A company, feeling it is time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly, "Doing just fine!" And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm Just like you, trying to get through the day!" At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over to your place for a while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could be just polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well I have company over, so today is a bad day for me." Then I hear the guy say nervously, "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky - Becky

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- Chocolate is a Vegetable
- Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
- Bean = vegetable.
- Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
- Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
- Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
- To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy.
- So candy bars are a health food.
- Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- And remember "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"


The latest in POLISH car maker technology brings us superior 4 wheel steering making the barely mastered art of reversing a thing of the past! Check it out...

- Crazy Car Modz -


A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied; 2. there was plenty of heat; 3. it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you... I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, WHIP ME!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Click for more awesomeness


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

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This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approachesthe little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel. Taking the colonel to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the colonel informed the French general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day until now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

Click for more awesomeness


David Johnston wrote:
Subject: I HOPE U LIKE

Who wouldn't enjoy this pic? It's not every day that you see a chick violated with a stubby of your favourite beer! -Orsm.

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Russ wrote:
Subject: This has got to stop!
Hi Orsm! Well, here you go again, only this time with more serious consequences. Because I have a soft spot for you, I'm giving you the advantage of prior notice (defense preparation?) of an impending lawsuit. I dropped you a line a little while ago informing you of my heart condition exacerbated by your intention of "shutting the site down" due to impatient assholes constantly requesting updates. The basis of my lawsuit reads as follows....... "Due to my client being rushed to emergency on the night of April 1st 2003 with severe cardiac arrest , and being informed by his cardiologist that as his condition was, like smoking, self induced, upon choosing of his own volition to visit www.orsm.net, ALL immediate and residual costs resulting from this attack must be borne by himself and will not be covered by Medicare. As my client's only intention on visiting this site is his never ending quest for knowledge and informative editorials, but was "pole-axed" by a silly and totally unnecessary April Fool's prank, the following financial hardship incurred by my client MUST be borne my the perpetrator. Namely, YOU!!! $150,000.00 (US). Cost of ambulance, surgery, and private accomodation while in hospital. $4,250.00 (US). Interest charges incurred for borrowing $25,000.00 (Australian) to purchase said site. Please be so advised and act accordingly. Mr Orsm, as you had prior knowledge of my weakened heart condition but chose to "have one over" your other readers, including the impatient assholes, and as you obviously have absolutely no consideration for my individual needs and health problems, I have no recourse but to recoup my losses. Please be informed however, that I have no intention of discontinuing my visits to your site. But hey, business is business!
Russ (The Keswickian)
PS. Hope the above does not cause a recurrence of your headaches.

Anny wrote:
Subject: a request from a reg (anny)
Ok orsm matey, Being an avid fan of your site, I was wondering if you would honour us ladies and show some nakie pics of MEN.... hey tis only fair! you don't have to gawk at them... oh and btw no funny stuff.. they gotta be nice with no pot guts and no oldies ... lol Carn orsm... make us ladies happy!

I'll try starting with these and see what I can come up with over the next few weeks. It's always harder to know what the chicks will wanna see on the site. I'd have assumed it would be hardcore lesbian porn thus catering to every girls desire to engage in tasty girl on girl action but apparently not... -Orsm.

Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys - Fire Boys

<address with held> wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
please dont give my e mail out
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Trompie wrote:
Subject: pics

Dear Mr Orsm. My friend bonked this girl and convinced her to take some pics. Maybe you would like them. Nice site! keep it up. Trompie

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Cyclone Graham
Cyclone Graham. They were taken at Pt Hedland on Feb 26th this year.
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DtM wrote:
Subject: cnn.com
I found this pic on CNN.com. I don't think they noticed the guy in the background taking a crap.
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Justin wrote:
Subject: dumbass
was driving the other day.. saw this bitch driving a ford laser who had this sticker on the back. had digi cam handy lol. cheers, Justin.

Driving a Ford with an anti-Ford sticker on the back. Good chance the owner is completely retarded by the looks. -Orsm.

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Jane Mueller wrote:
Subject: Photo of Brindabella's. AWESOME PHOTO!
The Canberra firestorm started in the Namadgi National Park in the southern end of the rindabella/Bimberi Ranges. This wonderful photo, obviously taken after the initial strike, shows why. Lightning started over 40 fires in this area on or about 10 January. On 18 January they joined up.

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Jright@erie.net wrote:
Subject: please post my info and picks on your page
My name is Kathy Bussiere. I live in erie,pa. I am 20 years old. I was in hustler's barely legal,amateurs in action, amazing people,kinky neighbors,nasty debutantes and models for hire. my prices are $100 A HOUR PLAY BOY STUFF. 3 OR MORE HOURS I will use sex toys and girl blow up dolls. Please e me for a free pick. JRIGHT@ERIE.NET OR KATHY BUSSIERE. PO BOX 9042 ERIE,PA 16505. Please do not ask me for sex I am just a nude model. Will work w/other girls (soft core)That will be $175 a hour E me for info on that as well and look up my pantie page http://www.pantytrader.com/KATHY.htm
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Crash8426 wrote:
Subject: Question
Is there like any way in hell that you could possibly zip all of the pics of all the chicks from past and recent times up till this month, into a zip file or a few zip files for download? I've been to the site like 100 times already and I still haven't gotten to see all the fine azz babes you got posted on your site. I figure it'd be a lot easier to view all of the past chicks easier by just downloading the pics, rather than picking thru each gallery... But hey, whatever u wanna do love the site, the jokes are kickass too. Keep the shit comin'. Laterz mate

No. -Orsm.


This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK, written by a woman!

"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotlessly can. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate and ate and ate and then she ate some more! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly.

The moral of this sad story? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

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You are the President of the U.S.A. and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will wipe out their entire country. It is scheduled to hit about 2.30 a.m. in just two days time from now. You have enough ships and military personnel nearby to evacuate them safely, but they are on stand-by for further conflict with Iraq.

Your question: do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

Click for more awesomeness
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It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration. Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an "Iraqi" reporter.

According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" "That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."

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A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink.

So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady.

Next the redhead - who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting "Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.

Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her way down he was enjoying the ride so much she shouted - "Weeeeeee"

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Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS. Causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!


A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?"

The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"

The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy! "The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

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One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," he thought. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Upon boarding the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself. This thrilled him but since he was so shy he couldn't bring himself to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.

This is fantastic, the guy though, I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope he said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


Random Shite. Proudly putting an everlasting shine on what was once just a floater in some poo-stained toilet bowl.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until
the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

That's all I'm good for this week. Most of you have noticed I have had a bit of trouble getting an update done weekly so what I am going to try and update on alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays. Like this: because I updated today [Tuesday] the next update will be Thursday week and the update after that will be 2 Tuesdays after that again. Works out to about 10 days or so between updates.

Admitedly working out what I've just written above will be too much for the average surfer of this site meaning you probably should have stayed in school longer and the 'update' emails from porn seeking 12 year olds will continue.

Anyways, until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to have a good Easter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.04.03-11.14

The idea was a good one, the execution flawless, the result a successful one. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have an immovable ear-to-ear grin plastered across my smug little face since April the 1st until now. If you haven't figured it out yet you may be asking why that is.

Well I can safely say that it has very little to do with me finding true love, shutting down the site and flying away to some distant paradise with the girl of my dreams and more to do with an overactive imagination and a somewhat elaborate April Fools prank.

Slower than a spastic? Try this: Orsm.net will not be shutting down, it will not be sold and I won't be going anywhere.

I'm truly amazed that so many people fell for it. I read through my update after initially conjuring the whole thing and thought it sounded far too 'fairy-tale' for anyone to believe. Wrong. As a guestimate I'd say I managed to fool 95% of you into believing that I was outta here for good and I actually feel like a bit of a bastard because of it.

I think all of 3 minutes passed before I got the first of hundreds of goodluck, farewell, auf wiedersehen, don't do it and you're crazy emails. There was tonnes of heartfelt comments from you guy's too which meant a lot to me and obviously made me feel like a bigger wanker - I almost removed the update a couple of times through sheer guilt after reading what was landing in my inbox every few minutes. Nonetheless I'm sure everyone will see the humour in it.

If anything, this little prank has reaffirmed my passion for running the site. It's still good fun and I love doing it which means so long as I can manage to keep getting a laugh out of it and you guy's can do the same, I'll keep port 80 wide open [nerd joke] and continue as the guy who doesn't have the Penelope Cruz look-a-like girl friend, who hasn't found true love, and who won't be jetting off to far away places. It's almost slave like...

Anyways, I reckon there's no better way to make up for all the hurt and anguish I have caused than by doing a ridiculously massive update. Probably safe to say that I have gone above and beyond the call of duty this week too. It's been a couple of months work on and off but I've finally finished preparing over new 400 galleries which you guys will see siphoned into updates hopefully for the rest of the year.

This'll be round 3 of server stress-testing as well. The new machines are handling the onslaught that comes their way around update time without missing a beat so all good. I guess they need to what with 35,000 people downloading the G-Spot vid from last update! Did no one know where it was?

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ AllSitesAccess.com. Check it.

Muted Media. Bringing the absolute finest from the darkest corners of the web right to your desk top. Pranks, politics and porn make it something no other internet radio can be - worth a listen. Click here to be enthralled by what a couple of guys with an abundance of time on their hands can do with a microphone and check out Muted Media.

Adult toys, adult DVDs, adult vids, adult mags, adult games. Touche Toy's has every god damn thing you could possibly imagine to keep the tame and not so tame boy or girl amused. Do youself a big favour and check em out here.

Message From England - Who's Smarter - Political Science - Office Lingo - Date Jesus - Tongue Chair

Happy Tree Friends - Harrrr - The Mod Shop - Simpsons Personailty Test - Bang Bang Bang - Drug Tax Stamp

Time to get cranking with this update I reckon. Strap yourself in coz you can kiss the rest of the day good bye...

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There was a father of one family. He was a hard worker who met the needs of his family - a wife and three kids. He spent the evenings after work to attend courses, to develop himself hoping one day he could get a better job with a better salary. Except Sundays, this father hardly had dinner with his family.

He worked and studied very hard since he wanted to provide his family everything that money can buy. Every time his family made a complaint that he didn't spend enough time with them, he always made an excuse that he did all that for them. There were many times, though, when he really liked to spend his time with them.

Then came the announcement day. He passed the exam with flying colours. Soon he was offered the position of senior supervisor along with a tempting salary. Just like a dream came true, now he could provide a luxurious life for his family, such as beautiful outfits, delicious meals and trips to other countries. Still, the family couldn't see him the whole week. He kept working hard, hoping to be promoted as a manager.

In fact, in order to make him suitable for that position, he enrolled to another course in an open university. Again, every time his family complained that he didn't spend much time with them, he said that he did all for them. Yet, there were times when he really liked to spend more time with them. All his hard work got paid; he was promoted to be a manager. Gladly, he hired a maid to free his wife from the housework. He also felt that a three-room flat was not big enough for them, that it would be great if they could enjoy living in a condominium.

After all that, he decided to work and study even harder so that he could be promoted again. His family was having a hard time to meet him. He had to spend Sundays to accompany his guests. Again, every time his family complained that he didn't spend much time with them, he said that he did all for them. Yet, there were times when he really liked to spend more time with them.

And as expected, all his hard work succeeded and he could afford a beautiful condominium towards the beach. The first evening in their brand new house, he told his family that he wouldn't take any courses and go after promotions again, that since then he wanted to give more and more of his time for his wife and children. But then... he never woke up the next day...

Things to ponder: Do you work for a living or do you live for working? There are two things that to be achieved in this life: First, to get what you want, second, to enjoy it afterwards. It takes a wise man to achieve both. Worry cannot get rid of today's sufferings; it only robs today's strength. Happiness doesn't depend on how much you've got to enjoy it, but on how much you enjoy what you've got.

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Billy Taylor was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, Billy was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about Billy, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try to convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy because he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and told him, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on???

They called each other up and decided to meet over in Billy's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent. The group arrived just in time to see Billy standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

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Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

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A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleaded. She replied, "I can't, I'm naked." He pointed to his shoe, which was thrown clear, and said, "Cover yourself with that shoe and go get help." She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looked down at the shoe and replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. I can't help him. He's too far in."

Can't get the vid's to work? Check the site help. All the info you need plus answers to some of life's great mysteries... or not...

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

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A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too,"

But she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need. "Oh, really," he says, " so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman!

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There's a plethora of war related email that I have received over the last week or two to be found here. Some of the other more interesting bits and pieces can be found by reading below!

sam jensen wrote:
Subject: tsk, tsk
dont fuckin do it, dude. women are just not worth it. theyve been the cause of a all the worlds ills for time immemorial - since helen causing the trojan war to bullshit sexual harassment laws today. she sounds like a really great girl, and fuck people who disdsain cliche (things become cliche for a reason), but the world, and life in general, would be a much nicer place if there were no women. to be perfectly honest with you ive found myself wishing i was gay, just so id never have to deal with the fucking whores ever again. but then i remember their peculiar squidginess, and the way their waist falls in, and the hips fall out, and those fucking little dimples on the small of the back, on either side of the spine, and... fuck. enjoy your trip, have fun, be safe, fuck like you mean it, and hurry back so you can continue entertaining us all. yours disappointedly, sam. good luck.

Taz Bo wrote:
Subject: Best of luck with the travels...
Hey Mr Or Some, Wanted to wish you and the new misses the best of luck with the travels, it's a big world out there and at some point you have to cut the dog leash that your mother has had you running around on for 20+ years and go venture into the unknown so you can have some personal experience with the other countries in the world so you can come up with more constructive ways to slag them off - works for me. Good news about the chickee girl as well, I guess that means I lose the bet me and my mates had about your sexual preferences. Bummer - not that I'm upset, I just took the gamble that the who lesbians and tits thing was you denying your true self. I guess the sad thing is to say that the site has to go, no-one else could keep it what it is and give us what we want so just call it quits and cut the site once and for all. If you want you can always get back to it later on in life, unless another little whim comes your way....like working for a living.

Oh yeah by the way, bull-fucken-shit!!!! Like anyone is going to believe such an obvious April Fools Day prank you fool. Nice that you did put a little bit of the effort in though (and I mean a little) still you could have made it more believable, I mean a gorgeous woman wants to wisk you away travelling , yeah right. And you are just going to leave your new pup with some mates or something. Mmmm, methinks not. Also footy season has just started and you need to swear at the tally as you watch Collingwood march through the season and claim the flag!!!!! Anyway best of luck and keep up the cool site.

Paul Smith wrote:
Subject: Daniela Hantuchova
Hi Orsm, I've been watching a bit of tennis recently and have noticed a hottie named Daniela Hantuchova has appeared on the women's tour. I was wondering whether you could hunt down any pictures of her as I have exhausted all my limited resources.

Personally I think she should stop playing tennis for a while and concentrate on growing some tits. Would do her a world of good and may even go as far as to take the focus of her head. Anyways here she is...

Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela

Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela - Daniela

Ricky Gill wrote:
Subject: Holden Vs Ford
Hey man just a few line about my 91 Holden berlina. Well it's only a 6 but I did a few mods so it would keep with those v8 boy's ( And it does ) It's got an upgraded engine management system, stage 1 shift kit, custom exhaust, cold air induction with a k&n filter & a shit load more and still get's 650 kms to a tank of juice. Not bad for a family commuter. I wouldn't own a ford if you gave me one, if you ask me there just good for taxies and that's it. Well that's it for know. I think ya site kick's ass keep up the good work. Rick (QLD) PS That's my wife in the pics not bad yeah...

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Anybody Interested Leasing a Flat?
I'm on the move again, but I'm tied into the lease with penalties unless I can find someone to take over my flat share. It is very enjoyable even though I cannot have a nice quiet breakfast in the morning anymore as the kitchen is always packed at this time of day. The loo is always engaged and lots of other problems have occurred in the meantime. Sometimes we need to have a shower together due to our lack of money!!! To give you an idea about the problems I am facing I've sent you a picture taken in the kitchen at 7.00am. Is there anybody out there who would like to take over my room? Please let me know!!!

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J. Megalong wrote:
Subject: Clint is the man
Is he taking a shit, or is that just a cover up for his habitual masturbation at my house? You decide.
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Kris Rodobolski wrote:
Subject: kick ass site...but
Hey orsm, Your site happens to be the only site I visit a minimum of once a day. Excellent work. Now the but. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT YOU SOLD OUT. I JUST SAW A FUCKING POP UP WINDOW WHEN I WENT TO YOUR SITE. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT'S NEXT. ADULT CHECK? MEMBERS ONLY? FREE PREVIEW? Very disappointing to say the least. Having said that...I am still a big fan.

So basically what you're saying is that even though you pay $0 to access the site you can't handle a small window that pops UNDER the main site? Did it occur to anyone that complains about this shit that running this site takes a fuck load of $$$? One simple instruction for anyone who doesn't like the pop up - click the little X at the top right of the window to close it.

Francois Labreque wrote:
Subject: Bush Whacked
I saw on your site that you linked it to Stile. This piece was done over a year ago, shortly after Bush started the campaign in Afganistan by Warp Records artist, Chris Morris. He did a more recent piece after this year's State of the Union address and it's available at: www.thesmokehammer.com

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager; golf's all day long... 36 holes sometimes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with adifferent anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap.

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Click for more awesomeness

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gumdisease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

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A man was having oral sex with a woman when stop to pull a piece of lettuce from his teeth; he thought nothing of it and continued. Couple of minutes later he stops again to pull out a piece of a pickle from his teeth. The man decide the next time he was going to ask her what the hell is wrong. Little later the man stops again to pull a piece of bread from his teeth. His looks up at the woman and asks "What is with this, are you sick or something", the woman replies "no, but the man before you was!"


Net Hitters - Machine World Wide - Jason Rivera - Link Swarm - Jinx Co - Triple 0

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes," replied the cop. "Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What!!? I can't do that. Its...inappropriate." exclaimed the cop."Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof*, she's gone. The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof*, she's gone. The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St.Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...."No Sister, this headline says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.'"

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President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis."

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Two guys are walking across the street when they run into a mutual friend, and they comment on how prosperous-looking he is. It turns out he has every reason to be: he's got an eighty-foot yacht, a beautiful wife, a private jet plane, and a million dollars in the bank. You can imagine their surprise when they run into him two weeks later,dressed in rags and shuffling along dejectedly.

They press the sad story out of him. Apparently, he loaned the yacht to a friend who ran it aground and wrecked it, and he no insurance. "So? say the two guys. It's only a boat." "Yes, but I didn't have any insurance on the jet either, and it was destroyed in a fire at the airstrip." "Hey, take heart," say his friends, "at least you've still got your lovely wife and bank balance."

"Not so fast fellas", says the poor guy, "my wife ditched me for another guy and her lawyer took me for every cent I had. I'll tell you, if I've learned one thing from all this, here's what it is, 'If it flies, floats, or fucks, just lease it.'"

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun...."Its a soap dispenser." To test the theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!!"

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Controversial Australian boxer Anthony Mundine yesterday confirmed the truth behind persistent press rumours that wedding bells are in the air for the man by announcing plans to marry the love of his life, himself.

Speaking in front of a mirror at the Redfern gymnasium where he trains, a glowing Mundine said that he feels that he's ready to make a lifelong commitment to himself. "I've been in love with myself since childhood, and I know in my heart that I'm the one for me. I could never love another the way I love myself and I made myself the happiest man in the world when I agreed to marry me," said a clearly smitten Man, flexing his muscles and blowing a kiss at the mirror. When asked how he feels when his loved one fights, Mundine revealed a rarely seen sensitive side.

"Every time I fight, the last thing I do before I go out is have a private moment alone where I kiss myself and pray to Allah for my safe return," said Mundine. The Man admitted that he never watches himself fight because he finds it too harrowing.

Mundine told reporters that he popped the question to himself on impulse during the emotional aftermath of his recent knockout victory over Guy Waters. "I was dancing around, gloating over Waters' unconscious body, making that cut throat gesture, when I suddenly realised how much I love me and the question just popped out. I had a few nervous moments there while I considered the proposal, but when I heard myself saying yes to me I was the happiest man alive... praise be to Allah".


Chopped - Chopped - Chopped - Chopped - Chopped - Chopped - Chopped - Chopped

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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this… When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.

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There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

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Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."


Whoever said Random Shite was exciting, intriguing and even a bit stimulating was dead right. By the way Random Shite is exciting, intriguing and even a bit stimulating...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

During a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop dead gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this".

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife, "If you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

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A swishy gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, laughs and says, "Eat me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara by camel. On the third day, a sandstorm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm stops, the camel is dead. "Well Sister this looks grim" says the priest. "We can't survive two days out here and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me Sister? I've never seen a woman's breasts. Could I see yours? "

The nun, a bit fazed, replies, "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm" So she gets them out. Then the priest says "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" Again, she consents. After a few minutes, the nun asks "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a man's thingy. Could I see yours?" "OK" says the priest. When she's examined the priest's organ. She asks "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's standing to attention too and he whispers "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that really true?" asks the nun. "Yes.""Then stick it up that camel's arse and let's get the fuck out of here".


90'S MEN

At least men can't be accused of not using their imagination!! THIS Appeared in Sky Magazine a while back. From Laura, 24:

Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Mark Digby. He was a real arrogant git, but I've always been attracted to bastards. Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable.

We went back to my place and he pounced on me straight away. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal in this drunken state. But Mark just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place, grunting something about his jeans around his ankles making it difficult to move. I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found myself groaning, "I want to see your face as you cum".

I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a bus pass picture of the git as he shot his load behind me.

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And that pretty much winds this update to a close. As always I hope you've wasted as many hours checking everything out as I have putting it all together. Until we meet again - be good, stay off the chems and free to splurge on someone besides yourself for a change!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.04.01-12.55
Penelope Cruz

I think I've just been forced to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I've just weighed up where I want to be in a few years time with - strangely enough - where I want to be in a few years time. As most of you who read my rants reguarly will know, I rarely talk about anything personal or even make mention of my personal life but now given the circumstances I think it's safe to change that.

About 3 weeks ago I was out having some drinks with friends. Got a bit drunk [as you do] and mustered up some artifical courage to go talk to this amazing looking chick at the bar we were frequenting. Dark hair, big breasted and totally amazing looking. Imagine Penelope Cruz but Italian and better. Turns out she's a her name is Sirena and is a backpacker travelling through Perth on her way home. Anyways I managed not to crash and burn and since then one thing has pretty much led to another... another in this situation brings us back to the decision I mentioned above.

I'm, or should I say we're going travelling.

This is going to sound so god damn tacky but I've found myself weighing up my career aspirations versus true love. I'll let the tackiness continue by saying true love has become the victor. Whether or not this is the right or wrong decision I have no idea. The hardest bit to work out is now what to do about the site. I'm kidding myself if I think I can update and maintain it while I'm away. Really can't see myself finding the 50 hours a week that the site demands in front of a laptop updating whilst trying to see the sights of the world.

So what to do about the site? I asked a few mates if they'd be interested in running it but due to their current commitments I seriously doubt Orsm.net would remain what it is for very long... so here comes the bit I think most of you guys will hate me for. I fly out this Saturday the 5th so the site will be shut down Friday nite/Saturday morning at approximately midnite [GMT +8hrs] UNLESS I get a decent offer for Orsm.net in excess of US$25,000. Sounds excessive but with the money I've tipped in over the last 2 and a half years, the money the site generates and has the potential to generate, plus of all my domains, the 2 brand new servers and a months hosting paid up, someone will be getting a good deal.

If you're interested then drop me a line. What will probably be my last update will be up in a few days and I'll hopefully be able to give you guys a better idea of what's going on. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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