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April 2005...
orsmupdate 2005.04.28-23.26
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The update has landed. Welcome to Orsmnet.

Damn stupid bloody car. It's my favourite toy and if I didn't love it so much I would have got rid of her a long, long time ago. One day I want to buy something - it doesn't have to be a car - that works perfectly all the time and never breaks down. Is it so much to ask?

Tuesday morning I had arranged for my baby to go back to the panel beaters. If memory serves, last September or October I had a little incident involving the driver's door and a wall. We bent it back in to shape and I finally got around to booking it in for repair a month or two back. They had the car for a week and when I picked it up I realised they had only done half the job - the bottom was fixed but they had somehow missed the top. The whole thing was mostly superficial but if you're going to go to the trouble of booking it in for repair then you expect it to be done properly right? Anyway I arranged to get it back in there this week because I was going to have access to another car to keep me going in the mean time.

So I'm headed down there Tuesday morning to drop it off. I stop at some lights, wait a minute or two for the green signal and then take off. I feel a bumping sensation running through the car. My first thought is that the stereo was doing something odd so I turn it down and it continues however this time I hear a flapping noise come from outside the car. Flat tyre - great.

I pull over, stuff around for a few minutes then jack it up and rip the right rear tyre off. Whoa... it's pretty obvious what caused the puncture - the inside of the tyre is completely worn through the canvas, through the steel and has let all the air out. Thank fuck it didn't let go the nite before when I was racing some guy down the freeway...

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I can't say it was a total surprise. I was well aware that the insides were wearing due to the type of suspension it's got and the fact it's dumped to the boards although I definitely didn't think it was chewing them up at that rate - the tyres were brand new 18 months ago! Apparently it wouldn't have been such a problem if I didn't have 60 or 70kg of stereo installed in the boot but as we all know - boys must have their toys.

Next stop was a suspension place. The guy explains that this is a common problem with these cars and there is a miracle cure but be prepared to part with around $400 for the privilege... that is of course provided everything else down there is in good condition. On top of that I'm going to have to spring for two new tyres. Just fucking great.

The annoying thing is that I forced myself over a year ago to not spend any unnecessary money on the car. By that I meant anything that didn't need to be done. No more stereo additions, no getting those massive 20in wheels I so badly wanted and no little performance enhancements. Surprisingly I've actually stuck to it too but that's probably entirely attributable to the rate this thing chews through the maintenance bucks. I'll never admit I bought a lemon [I'd cop too much shit from mates that drive cars from 'the other side'] but I will admit that cars, if nothing else, cars are a big fucking trap.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. It's Orsm approved!

Whatever I ate last night it gave me one vivid dream. I was naked and buying hotdogs. Suddenly Asia Carrera dressed as a cheerleader came screaming down the aisle shouting for foot-longs and shaking her pom-poms. I woke up when Asia started spreading corn relish on my wiener.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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What An Idiot - Fred Durst Tape - Asian Eminem - Oh Deer! - Webcam Cutie - Britney Wannabe

Desperate MILFS - Bouncing Boobies - Bow Hunter - Lesbian 3way - Sexy Bloopers

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office and said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it - I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness - this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So he asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doc which tooth hurts."
What did Jesus say to his Twelve Apostles as he was being naied to the cross? "Don't touch my fuckin' Easter eggs you cunts - I'll be back on Sunday!"
A small child is lost in target, the security guard asks the little girl "Whats your mummy like?" The child replis "Big cocks and vodka!"

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A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers... "Hey cuz. Whats up bloke?", says the Aboriginal.

Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo "I bin on toilet" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed. Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Aboriginal man. "Mate!" says the garbo... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?" "OK! OK!" , says the Aboriginal bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank!"

Now this is a job I could handle. Spending each day pounding my ears with some of the sexiest sounds to ever be made in the form of an F1 Renault engine. Towards the end they give some stats in French and from what I can work out these bad boys do 18,000rpm, have over 1500 moving parts, burn around 70 litres per 100kms and take over 2 weeks to build. I wonder what one of these would go like in my car? Wind up the volume and check it...

- F1 Renault Testing -

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He hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. As he pulled into his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, pass the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answered, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions!"

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Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Holy crap what is it with guys sending in pictures of their penises lately? I'm honestly worried that one of my mates will walk in or a neighbour peer through the window, see what's on the screen and jump to conclusions. Enough already! I try and mix it up to keep everyone happy but this out of control. From now on there will only be penis posted if I also have some pics of a chick to go right below it. In other words let's see some pussy too!! If you want to send me pics of a girlfriend, your boobs or whatever [as long as it is female related] or absolutely anything else of interest then you may do so right here.

Chloe wrote:
Subject: Hey
I was just reading you intro on cherpelle Corby and yeah i have a few things too say. i myself completley agree with you that she didnt do it. its is fucking easy to get it over there whilr you are there. i was over there just over two yrs ago and we were in a group of 20 people who all got asked by a man if we wanted to buy weed. even the children. and besides that what would cost $50 here would cost alot less over there so why would you take it over?

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Bali
Thatmosis here, Who are you kidding, just because we helped them out of a crisis dont expect them to be grateful, after all we did insist that all the money went to the victims and not into the govts pockets. As for the Bali 9, I'm afraid I've got no symphathy for them, obviously the lights are on but there is no one home, they knew what they were doing and deserve the penalties that go with it. As for Chapelle I agree there are too many variables in her case but unfortunately the stupid arses that got caught have probably ruined any chance she had of justice.

mg wrote:
Subject: just a bag of weed
Read your site this evening (as I have been doing for about 3 years, keep it up!) and agree fully with your assessment on the Bali drugs people. More people should be saying it. Not just Russell Crowe, but famous and smart people like us. If the Indos don't get their legal system sorted out, they're going to left without a tourist industry. And Buckley's chance of any sympathy from me when Sumatra is cut in half by the next volcano. Surf's up, dude!

Felipe Rijo wrote:
Subject: On Drugs and Bali
Hey Mr.Orsm, You have a very nice site, and I've been an avid reader for a long time. Keep up the good work! As I was reading your post about the Bali 9, you mentioned something about 'why try to smuggle drugs into Bali if it's so easy to find it in there?'. Here in Brazil, we have a guy that's in the same trobule. He tried to go through Indonesian customs with 3 surf boards filled with a kilogram of cocaine each. Word around here is that 1 KG of coke can sell for as much as US$ 350.000,00 in Bali. So I guess that is why people try to take it there. Easy money. Just my two cents. See ya!

Huge difference between a bag of coke and a bag of weed. -Orsm

Gordon wrote:
Subject: Bali
Orsm, I could'nt agree more about the Corby woman,I too believe she is innocent. However,she does look like spending her days in gaol, either in Bali or with luck at home if the reciprocal agreement works. Instead of not dipping our hands in our pockets the next time Indonesia suffers perhaps a better way is to encourage people via your web site not to visit Indonesia. This action would hurt them more as they depend on tourism for their economy. I'd also like to see on your web site something saying along the lines of "If you do drugs in Indonesia or similar countries there's a good chance you'll come home in a box." I don't believe young Aussies are listening to the messages that are around and to expect our Government to do anything is beyond belief.Your website may have a great deal of influence in this regard.

Jess wrote:
Subject: thought you might want to know..
..an old friend makes a stupid mistake...

If you're a long time Orsmnet reader you may very well remember the assclown that created all the shit for me with a certain credit card company. I'm gald to see he's still making a fool of himself. Karma's a bitch. -Orsm

James wrote:
Subject: A pic just posted..... (gaylord rehab center)
First of all I have been following your site for a while now and all I can say is thanks!!! About the gaylord rehab center, I live about 2 miles from the place... Just a tid bit of info. I dated a CNA that worked there. Her "floor" was called Hooker 1 (no joke). You can post this if you like... Keep up the Good work!

Chris McIntyre wrote:
Subject: rice burners suck ass
I've been visiting your site for quite some time and i have never been pissed untill i saw the integra video. Not becuase of anything that you did, but because there are all of these tools running around that think that they got some hot shit car with a 1.8 liter engine. all of these crappy little cars were built with a purpose. To give hippies and and arrogant philoisphy teachers a car taht they can drive to drive around so they don't feel like thier damageing mother earth any more then they have to. They were not built so some pimple faced virgin can through 3 times the value of the car back into it to make it faster. You want something fast, buy something with a v-8, jack asses.

Matt (uk) wrote:
Subject: Faked! Charlotte Church Pic!
The pic of charlotte church that appeared on ur site from druss was a fake... heres the real pic that was edited found it whilst surfing, apparantly there is a real one out there somewhere that was stolen from her boyfriends phone.! ps. dont add my email address to the site !

click to enlarge

Druss_40 wrote:
Subject: re charlotte church
She is a famous, or should that be in-famous singer in the UK, known for her voice and the fact she has stories of her sex life plastered all over the papers on a regular basis. Oh and shes getting porked by a member of the welsh rugby squad.

Arieta wrote:
Subject: Dissapointed
Hey ORSM, I was a really good fan but I can't accept mistakes like these. In the makeover photo you got the sequence wrong!!!! Bush is on the wrong side... poor monkey!! Cool site!! Cheers

My bad. -Orsm

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cappa wrote:
Subject: Something reeealllllyyyy wierd!!!
Hey Mr ORSM, Firstly, great site!!! I have been reading your site for years now and thought it was time to make a contribution in a twisted kinda way. I am not in the habit of chasing the cat around... but on this particular day (Last Tuesday) I had fed the cat some 'Brand name' cat food in the Fish 'flavour' (I don't know if it is, I didn't try it... it says fish on the label if that means anything?).... and because she scoffed it down.... it must have wanted to escape as quickly as it went down.... so, "no word of a lie", the photos have not been docked and this was exactly as it came out of the cats mouth!..... Creepy in a Twilight Zone kinda way. I would hate to see if I fed her some cow!!! Keep up the fantastic work... ORSM ROCKS! From someone that is not strange for taking these pictures!!!

Tim wrote:
Subject: pictures
Nice site, man. A friend of mine at school showed it to me a few weeks ago and I can't get enough of it. Anyways, my girlfriend thinks it's pretty entertaining as well, and I thought it would be fucking hilarious if she found a couple of pictures of us the next time she went on to check the new postings. Not only is she extremely hot, but she's cool as hell so she won't give a fuck about it... I think.

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Patrick Butcher wrote:
Subject: stuff
Hello Mr. ORSM, You recently posted a pic of my sister's little doggie humping a big white doggie. Her getting something on the site inspired me to go for a try. So here are a few pics I took in Nice. Maybe you want to post them and maybe you'd also like to see what happens when you break your fall using a wine-glass. I did that December of '03 and still have no feeling in my left index finger.

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Archie wrote:
Subject: Niki Webster
Hey man great site!, Anyways this is a photo of Niki Websters FHM shoot before and after the touch up!

Hopefully she cleans her shit up before she realises her career is finally over and does Playboy. -Orsm

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Subject: Fw: Should I Complain
Should I Complain? My neighbors keep using my Swing Set. Should I complain? Every summer... same old thing. Should I complain? I guess not ... Summer is so short lived! Kids will be Kids! What do You Think? DO YOU HAVE COMPLAINTS ? LET ME KNOW

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pricey wrote:
Subject: DUST STORM....
Dunno where these were taken , looks like Australia though (cause one bloke is in a footy shorts and has a can of XXXX and the other bloke has got a bonds chesty tank top or as its more commonly known a "wife beater" on. cheers

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Paul wrote:
Subject: streak
Me and seven of my mates went on our annual golf/drink heaps of piss and races weekend at alexandra 2 hours from melbourne.This is one of the boys bazza winning the last race by half length. Please post this and embarrass the shit out of him.Keep up the good work on a truly orsm site.

click to enlarge

Nick wrote:
Subject: Knotts Berry Farm Fabulous Ford Forever 2005, its only a few pics, but hey its something.... lol
My name is Nick, and i figured shit, you might appreciate some of these cars, so here ya go.... this is an annual show held every april, there mustve been something like over 1500 cars there.... anyways here ya go

click for gallery

Sebastian wrote:
Subject: Wank factor
Hi ORSM, the Car "wank factor" on your webside is a "Maybach". But the pictures show "only" the Mercedes-Benz prototype of the model, today Maybach is an own trademark of DaimlerChrysler and here are some pictures of the final version, fourther Information. The listprice is about 417.600 Euro you also can get a tuned version from Brabus the price for this version is unknown. Keep on the great work and the radom shite !!!

click for gallery

C. International wrote:
Subject: Cruise Vids
Hey ORSM, turns out you like cars, well, if you like cars, you'll love burnouts! This is a Vid from a year 10 formal cruise (guess who was the most popular year 11). So you know, this was all filmed in controlled conditions, and not recommended to be tried on the street. We had Police, Ambulance and Fire crews on Standby (it just looks like there suburban streets!

click to watch vid click to watch vid

Vince wrote:
Subject: Video to put on orsm.net..
Hi, I'm the co-owner of www.euroadmiration.com, it's a forum for the european car tuner.. I made a video of my golf VR6 in the streets of Montreal, the track sequence is not me. hope you love the sound.. euro lovers unite! please put it on your site!

click to watch vid

Adam wrote:
Subject: Soooo Funny
This is an actual call-in to one of our local radio stations, 100.3 The Bear, in Edmonton AB ,Canada. The start of this was the mention that the "morning after pill" is now available in Canada OTC instead of Doc prescribed. Enjoy

click to listen click to listen

Stealth wrote:
Subject: Post-Footy Flex
My housemate has this thing above checking out his Abs in mirrors and windows whenever he has an audience. When I told him a webcam was filming the room he couldn't resist the opportunity. I then emailed it to his work and now you Orsm.

click to watch vid

bop bop wrote:
Subject: LuZn-iT is losing it
lol, just a stupid video of my mate [LuZn-iT], trying to be a jackass. who knows. i stole this laptop of my kid cousin. hot site, keep up the good work.

click to watch vid

Neil Farrell wrote:
Subject: Hey...more pics as promised
Hey there Orsm fella, (not sure of ya name), here are some of the pics that i said i would snd ya. I go out boozing in England quite frequently and so i thought id send you some pics of my nites out.

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Sick of my shit? Looking for a change? Well these guys would love to have you... plus they all offered me oral sex if I linked them so PLEASE click the links...

Stupid College - Oops Flash - Amp Loves You - My Big Breasts - Teenie Update - Stop Living - Image High

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women aren't as clever as they think they are! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this it only goes to show you never bloody listen!

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A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mum comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs. Wen he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says: "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there." "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there." "Yes there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"



1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigsfeet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Nutrasweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it--you're hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with the bitch in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

9. You don't read Orsmnet.

10. Your name is Chris, Tim, Dan or Trev.

I've been kind of tame with Random Shite lately. No big surprises, nothing to vulgar or offensive and nothing too out of the ordinary. What 'm getting at is do you think that this is the week? The week where I just say 'fuck it' and go hard or where I stay on the straight and narrow? Click the links and find out but remember - you enter at your own risk...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you piss off! I'm trying to take a shit!"

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Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica

Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica

After attending the funeral of a Welsh mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The English mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Scottish mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Scottish mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the English mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The English mouse and the Scottish mouse then turn to the Irish mouse. The Irish mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta get home and fuck the cat."


Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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I've been making some changes to the site over the last week to help improve performance. Hopefully you guy's are seeing faster page load times now. Any feedback on this would be appreciated.

Well I hate to say it but that's all I'm good for this week. It's been a labour of love and one that I will surely tell the grand kids about one day. I shall return next Thursday with a whole lot more free entertainment in the form of another fat update.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget that smuggling drugs is bad! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.04.21-22.15

Welcome to Orsmnet. Soon to be officially endorsed by Pope Benedict XVI.

The Bali 9. Someone please tell me how fucking stupid would you have to be? Its not as if the warning signs weren't there and its not as if it was a big secret that smuggling drugs through Asian countries is going to get your ass executed so I ask again - how fucking stupid would you have to be?

What I'm on about may not be entirely clear to some of the non-Aussie readers so here's the brief run down. A group of nine Australians aged 18 to 29 got nailed earlier in the week by Indonesian Police in Bali as they tried to leave the country. Between them they had almost 9 kilograms of heroin strapped to their bodies for import to Australia. The arrests were made after collaboration between Indonesian and Australian authorities apparently since January.

All this at a time where for the last several months the media has bombarded us with stories on the plight of Schapelle Corby - another Aussie - who is accused of trying to smuggle 4 kilograms of marijuana into Bali. The ongoing court case to prove her innocence or validate her guilt has created huge public interest as every man and his dog speculates on whether or not she'll face the firing squad. Personally I think Schapelle is innocent... or at least I hope she is. Too many of the circumstances in my eyes don't seem to fit. For starters - is it really THAT HARD to find drugs in Bali? Why would you even bother taking them with you?

One thing that really annoyed me about the Bali 9 being captured was a statement made by the ring leader, dubbed 'the Godfather'. As he was being led by police to jail he said to reporters "Whatever happened to Schapelle Corby happened to me." What a selfish little prick. Saying shit like that underminds and destroys her credibility. I'm generally not the vindictive type but I hope he spends the rest of his days in 'pound me in the ass prison' for that comment alone.

If you read any of the reports or watch the news the one recurring theme that comes up in regards to these drug mules is that they weren't the kind of people you'd describe as insanely intelligent. A couple of the families of the accused have even gone on record saying their own kids were somewhat lacking in the brains department.

I mean if you think about it they made a decision between the rest of their lives and an AU$10,000 payoff. From that you'd have to surmise that as far as they were concerned their own lives are worth less than that.

But doesn't all this open up other issues? Schapelle and the Bali 9 are at this stage somewhere between death and life imprisonment however Abu Bakar Ba'asyir, the Muslim cleric that masterminded the Bali bombing which killed almost 200 people which were mostly Australian only has to serve just two and a half years. To me that doesn't make sense. For taking 200 lives you get 30 months. For taking a bag of weed you get death.

How is that justice?

In the last few months Australia has donated well over a billion dollars to that part of the world following the Tsunami disaster. Add to that we recently lost 9 Navy and Air Force servicemen that were there providing medical treatment and assistance along with hundreds of others. All of this in the name of compassion.

I know this is the wrong way to look at it but personally I can't help but feel this buys us something. It certainly shouldn't provide anyone with the misconception that because we donated a whole stack of cash they should feel free to blatantly flout the law but in a case such as Schapelles were there seems to be so much ambiguity as to how the drugs got in her bag, that compassion should be somehow reciprocated. If Schapelle dies, if they send Australia a big 'fuck you', people may think twice about opening their wallets next time a Tsunami rolls through. At the end of the day it was just a bag of pot.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a quality media/humor site! IdleRiot is no longer the newest kid on the block, but they are still pushing forward as if they have something to prove. They still pump out media DAILY, offer monthly contests, and so much more. And from what I hear... It's only going to get better. Do yourself a favor and check out IdleRiot.

Following in the footsteps of idleriot is IdleBabes. IdleBabes also produces daily media - the difference is this is some of the hottest shit on the net. Daily galleries and videos of hot bitches in sexy situations. Register for free and be able to download the movies and zips of the galleries, They're only just starting, but they're definitely on the track of success. Check out IdleBabes!

She's no ordinary girl. Days she may play a mild-mannered young virgin but don't let the act fool you. At night, when the shades are drawn and the sheets pulled back, she becomes Super Squirter targeting a load into the eye all the villainous lechers using her superhuman clitoris cannon.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

I Can't Dance! - Owned! - South Park Vs Paris - Crash - XXX Celebs & Babes - Avril Shows Her ASS

WWE Babes - Hot Drunk Chick - MakeOver - 3 Wild Lesbians - Naughty Webcam Teens

If you watched the wedding on TV, you know this is true... Charles and Camilla never kissed. That's true. They did not kiss! That's because in England a lot of people still do not approve of same-sex marriages.
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is bigger than the barbecue!" With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yep, I was right... your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed the man was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?!"
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he Hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did you go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

click here for more

"Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development," says the teacher. At the end of the class, the she asks that all the little girls to remain behind for 5 minutes.

The teacher begins: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room."

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

click here for more

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Everyone remembers Mr. T right? That big muscly black guy from The A Team who had that ridiculous haircut [which I admit was kind of cool 20 years ago but these days just screams gay]. Anyway, in his quest to help kids or some shit he made this pearler of a video about respecting your Mum. To be honest I felt embarrassed for the human race just watching it and I'm sure many of you guy's will too. Check it...

- Mr. T: Mother, There Is No Other -

click here for more

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have gotten out today."

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Was speaking to a mate the other night when he asked me: "what did you get up to today?". My reply: "checked my email". "That's it?" "Yep!". Such has been the influx of email from you guy's over the last few weeks that I lost an entire day sorting through it all. Crazy. Anyway, if you've got something to say or send my way then I'd love to hear from you so click here and get to it!

Mark wrote:
Subject: about the real estate thing...
I just got myself into real estate recently and just wanted to say that you should ditch whoever the asshole agent is that you have been dealing with... that shit is so highly unethical legally, all offfers high or low must be presented to the seller... what a MF'er fuck that person, you should call him or her up and tell them to fuck off. anyhow, not all real estate agents are sleazy like car salesmen, but certainly some are.

Kevin wrote:
Subject: worm video
There is an old saying you can hunt rabbits in months that have an R in them, or after the first good frost. This is because rabbits, and any other animal can get these worms, they are called screw worms. I know several people who own cows that get these worms and I once had a cat get one. The EASY way to get the worm out is to lay the victim with the worm hole up, pour oil into the hole. This can be any kind of oil like baby oil, motor oil, any thing that is a heavy fluid and will not run to the side. This blocks the worms breathing hole, when the worm pokes its head out to breath, grab it with a pair of needle nose pliars and pull it out. Roll the victim on the side so the oil will drain out, then flush the wound with alcohol. Since this is a deep wound, clear grain alcohol like everclear or vodka may be better then the regular rubbing alcohol we use on scraps, since some may be absored into the blood. [More info here]

druss wrote:
Subject: re the site.
Really cool site, anyway I have attached a pic of Charlotte Church that she had on her mobile and is doing the rounds in the UK. Thought your readers might enjoy it, I did! Keep up the good work.

I have no idea who she is but Jesus Christ what a great rack! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: 3500 Watt Generator for sale
Not sure if this is of any interest, but I have a small 3500 Watt Generator for sale, its great for camping or other uses where power is required. Let me know if you're interested, details are enclosed in the attachment. Sorry for the picture quality, the photo didn't turn out so good.

click to enlarge

Aaron nz wrote:
Subject: Wheres the disabled sticker?
me and a mate saw this at a local shopping centre. finally we have something to contribute to the site. we check weekly love your work

I've always wanted one of those things... with an onboard toilet. Live the dream. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Ionut wrote:
Subject: Apparently Gaylords Need Rehab.
Driving down the highway one day I spotted this sign, I got a chuckle.

I have a few mates that could benefit from some time there... you know who you are! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Bobby Ward wrote:
Subject: Camera Cell Phones
You have to love Camera Phones.....

... and then the heavens opened. -Orsm

click for pics

Andreas Schulz wrote:
Subject: My Shit
Hi, I come from Germany, your Site is great. Here is a little bit of my Shit. Nice to see it on your Page.

I come from Australia. Thanks for pictures of your wang... -Orsm

click to gallery
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Gemma wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
Hey there. My names Gemma, Im 18 and from the Midlands in the UK. I was shocked to discover that hardly anyone I knew on/off the net visited your site and made sure that they knew your link. I've been visiting it for years now and it is bookmarked as one of my favourite sites. I love it for the humour, and of course...the porn. This has to be one of the funniest things I have come across on your site. My friends love it and I'm sure you'll get more visitors now, as I have been telling people to visit your site- by linking it from one of my profile sites. I include a couple of pics of one of your greatest fans... Mr.Orsm you indeed kick ass.

Chad wrote:
Subject: My Girl
Hey Mr. Orsm! Been a proud viewer of your fucking awesome site for a while now. Seems to me like you've got your work cut out for you; sitting around looking for pictures of fine chicks to post on your site. Anyways, I just wanted to bother you for something. My fiance would fucking kill me if she saw this picture on your site, but I want it to be posted. She's done some things to me to screw me over, and I figure this is my ultimate revenge. It would be nice to see a picture of my girl on your site anyways, as I am usually browsing through the archives. Thanks!!

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 4/1 update
As a yank in America, I missed this years April Fools post, though I knew you'd do something. I couldn't find it in the archives... is it posted somewhere? If not, could you? Thanks, keep up the good work. The pics are of a dog that tried to play with a porcupine. I got them from a friend.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Michael E Powers wrote:
Subject: Your Way, Right Away...
This is the funniest crap that I have heard in a long time.

I'd love to stir some shit and say "leave it to an American to be this stupid"... but I won't... -Orsm

click to listen

George Jacob wrote:
Subject: A fan with stupidity
Hi, I always look foward to typing www.orsm.net. I made this vid... I think it's funny... be nice to see it on orsm. George from NY. thanks!

Pill bucket is empty now isn't it...? -Orsm

click to watch vid

Matt Gray wrote:
Subject: Funny video of a friend's brother....
This is pretty funny.... it's a bit slow at first, but it gets funnier.... he's Australian of course, but talks with a funny accent in this vid.... ahhh little kids can be such dickheads!! Cheers man....

Whoa... looks like someone hit the red cordial in a big way... -Orsm

click to watch vid

VoRn wrote:
Subject: Crazy Video
Dear Mr Orsm. Here's a vid of some of my stupid/crazy friends. Liam was stupid enough to trust us to push him around on a skateboard while he was blindfolded. The result....

click to watch vid

Kyle Schuler wrote:
Subject: car video for your site
since i know u like cars, i decided to show u the video i made last week. let me know what you think.

Give me Aussie built car any day! -Orsm

click to watch vid

Corey Taylor wrote:
Subject: i got a video you might wanna put on your site
i made a video really short, and was wondering if you'd put it on your site for me. im a avid user of your bad ass site and i think people would like to see this.. well thanks for your time.. im planning on making more of me dying. kepp up the good work

click to watch vid

John Donald wrote:
Subject: Tornado pics

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
Click for more awesomeness

A fire started in some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

click here for more

Mark Williams, the coach of Port Adelaide Power, gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq. Williams and the Power Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war torn Baghdad and track the young boy down. They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia.

The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year. Ten minutes into the first quarter, Chad Cornes goes down with a severe knee injury. Mark Williams turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go to centre half forward and show us what you can do."

The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.

The Power chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Mark Williams tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all. Williams then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today".

He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?" "I don't care what you did today" his Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today" she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house torched, our car blown up and your brother abducted."

"Gee" says the boy, "I feel a bit responsible for what happened". The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted to Port Adelaide."




Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there - on the couch - naked...


Mixing it up all millennium long - Random Shite! Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed; "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "For the last time, listen carefully, I said 'Bring POSSE!'"

click here for more

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

click here for more

I have no idea why but an absolute crap load of work went into this weeks update. It just took way longer to make this one happen than it usually does. Actually come to think of it, I probably did as much work as I do on every other update except it took twice as long because I only got 2 fucking hours of sleep last nite. Ah well... sucks to be me huh?

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's feel free to buy me everything off my wish list! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.04.14-22.52

Welcome to Orsmnet. We put the 'FU!' in fun...

Jesus H. Christ can it really be Thursday already? Jesus H. Christ can it really be April already? Jesus H. Christ can it really be 2005 already?

I know you've all been sitting on the edge of your seats for the last week quietly waiting to find out what happened so let's start with a house update shall we? Last update I spent my entire blog crapping on about how I was trying to buy a particular house I'd found. Early in that week I had put an offer in and [to cut a long story short] had it rejected after being out bid.

Hit last Thursday the agent called me and said the sale had fallen through and I was welcome to make another offer. Friday comes and I get him over here to do that - this time higher. I make a point of saying I don't like stuffing around and want things to be done with as little fuss as possible. He takes my offer and drives off.

Half an hour later he calls me with the owners counter-offer. I counter again slightly higher and he tells me he'll call back after speaking to them. Another five minutes pass and the phone starts making ringing noises. I answer and get the "you'll never guess what's happened - the original bidder has JUST called me and wants another crack at the place!". Wow... fuck me drunk... just like that I think to myself... smells slightly like bullshit for some reason too. He then explains that same as previous both parties will be asked to submit an offer and the better of the two will be presented to the seller and that I have 4-5 hours to work out what that may be and he'll call me back.

Two hours go by and I get another call asking for my offer. I thought I had four hours? Nice manipulation tactic and I'm sure it's worked for him plenty of times but leaving me enough time to go off the boil and not get sucked in to spending more than I was prepared to is where he fucked up.

I have a particular way I like to do things. I'm fair and reasonable but if I feel someone is trying to play me then I'm outta there. The games, the bullshit, and everything else that goes with it is, or so I am told, all to be expected when you're buying a house but as far as I'm concerned I don't have to like it. I make him wait half an hour and submit a final [conservative] offer.

Surprise, surprise I was outbid again which in other words means they were just going to wait for the following day's home open and see who else they could sucker in. Good luck to them. I didn't have any sort of emotional attachment and sooner or later I will find something else I like.

What have I learnt so far? Top of the list is that some of these guys are no better than used car salesman. They'll tell you whatever they can think of to get your money. They aren't working for you - they're in it purely for the commission so the higher the sale price the fatter the cheque coming to them. At the end of the day there is no point hating them for it - that's their job.

On to what else has been going on which is pretty much fuck all. I've been working my ass off on bits and pieces for the site trying to get shit out of the way so I can concentrate on some other little projects I have planned. I usually love doing this stuff and putting updates together but when it gets reduced to data entry I go out of my brain and end up looking for any excuse to stop what I'm doing. I need to automate this site in a big way and when I finally do I will be a lot closer to my goal of daily updates...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

IdleRiot has a thing for bringing you the funniest videos they can find. Every day they update their site with new images, videos, and flash animations, it's a lovely thing. And if you want more risque than the content they're allowed to show, then you should check out IdleBabes. Pure unrestricted content! Imagine IdleRiot on viagra, yummm...

"Gosh, you're the best girlfriend ever!" she moaned, leaning forward with her jaw split open expectantly. Her buxom buddy mumbled something incoherently as she lowered her full-mouth, parted her luscious lips ever slightly and allowed the stud's hot, viscous load to slowly dribble downwards into her waiting friend's wide-open mouth.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Amazing Riot - Ricky Gervais [Live] - Go Stewie! - Britney Spears Naked - Naughty Brunette Babe

Girl Gets Stripped - Ding Dong Blonde - Get Naked - Booty Shaking Teens - Victorias Secret Models

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over whose penis is longer. Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem. He told them to stick their penises on the bar and he'd tell them whose was bigger. Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"
The Hoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff". The barman replies "no hassle.."
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." ... and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that.

click here for more

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ... and who are you?" he asked"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven" "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young" said Harry"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately" "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own.."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad"I want to return as a hen" Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow... then along came the rooster"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm" he said"How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up" "Oh that!" said the rooster"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can"

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Goodness sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"


If you think back a bit you will remember the Dancer Face and VD Boy vids that I posted from Robert James Hoffman. Since seeing them [and having become a big fan] I've been hanging out for something new and this week was finally it. I won't spoil it with a lame explanation like I usually do - just click the damn link and check it...

- Orsmnet Presents: RJH in Bad Ass -

click here for more

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked"They're mating," her father replied"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

I'm waaaay behind in email this week thanks to being ridiculously busy with a million other odds and ends so most of what you see below is stuff from the last few weeks. I'll get the lead out and have it sorted for next week I promise... that's not to say there isn't a whole stack of interesting and exciting stuff for you perusing though! If you have something you want to send my way, a cool story or have come to the conclusion I am an easy abuse target then you can satisfy all that by emailing me right here.

Sean wrote:
Subject: Big thing coming out of a small hole
Hey first off all GREAT site, it's the best on the web! In regards to the fellow who sent in the video with the "worm" it is actually a bot fly larvae. Bot flies usually lay their eggs on mosquitos, therefore when a mosquito bites a person, the eggs from the fly are usually transferred to the person. While I was in Central America last year, a freind of mine had one in her head, and it broke open while she was in the shower. Keep up the great work ORSM.

Jesus Martinez wrote:
Subject: Vida Guerra Hacked Pics
Vida Guerra Webcam Pics Have Been Found! Hilarious! Don't tell me your favorite stepfather never hooks you up! Love, Jesus.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Pope
Thatmosis here, What a spectacle, what a gigantic PR coup for the RC's, what a tremendos waste of money, for a simple man he certainly went out with a bang. Just think of all the poor and starving people out there who would have benefited from some of the millions spent on Pope's funeral, but then again they would have only spent it on food or medicine or something just as frivilous so its probably just as well.

Max wrote:
Subject: About that Euro Supercar drift stuff
Hi there, been visiting your site for quite some time now, and let me tell you, it absolutely rocks. Pure adult entertainment. Keep up the good work! Anyways, about that video you posted in your last update. I thought it might be interesting for you: It's a recorded clip from the DSF "Deutsches Sport Fernsehen" (german sports tv) show "Motorvision". The content of the clip is, if I remember correctly, a compilation of the best clips of sportscars and their sound they did since the beginning of the show. This was aired I think last year when they had an anniversary (5 years I think). Every episode features at least one track test in which they have a DTM-driver test some of the finest cars. Involves much more burning rubber.

Bradley wrote:
Subject: House purchase
Mate, Bit of free advice which you are welcome to ignore. The next offer you make on that house. Make it at the same price as before. Don't let the agent suck you into making a higher offer, as this will be in the sellers mind your starting price and they will be sure to want to go up from there. the other deal might have been completely alleged and just a ruse to get you to a higher level. Negotiations seldom fall over that quickly unless the agent lets it and if the competitors original offer really was higher than yours you need to stand firm. It's not unheard of for agents to make up offers to drag the price up to what his customer wants to receive.

Finally as interest rates are guaranteed to be going up not down, not only does this give you incentive to hold firm at what you can afford, but also gives the seller an interest in flogging his place before his potential customers disappear. 20k under the minimum price is a good point to be at. Whenever we sell a house we always set our minimum price at least 20k over our real minimum as we expect buyers to come in well under it, and normally after lot's of toing and froing you settle on the minimum advertised price or if the seller is lucky just over. Remember he who blinks last wins.

da Silvia wrote:
Subject: Love your site blah blah... Someone should blow real estate agents up...
G'day Orsm. The real estate dude was obviously full of crap. There was no other offer, it was merely a ploy for them to try and drive the price up some more and get himself more commission. Real estate clowns are almost as low as used car salesmen in my book. They should have the same stigma, but don't for some reason. Here's an example... My sister's farm sold for a cool $2mil and the supposed 'agent' who did fark all wanted $76000. They negotiated to $48k, but still, talk about money for jam!!

Michael wrote:
Subject: Check this out
Please see attached a cool pic I took while driving last year from San Diego to LA. I guess the captain of this boat wants more than just a good wind... Good luck and thank you for your outstanding job.

click to enlarge

Frank wrote:
Subject: Right size
Hey Mr Orsm - Love your site, and read the updates every week. Thought you'd be interested in this photo of a bloke that reckons he's found the perfect woman, i.e. 3ft. tall with a flat head to rest the beer on.

click to enlarge

EASy Einda 304 wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
whats up long time visiter. i mailed a pic my a couples of my friends are suposobly sraght. looks gay to me tho look where his head is.

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Subject: Greetings from Wichita, kansas
Greetings, This hearse is driven to work here in the Wichita State University, Wichita, Kansas, every day. And i just had a look at the licence plate, so here are the photos, they are a little "little" cause my camera is a very cheap low line one (oya we're poor). Well any way, please add them to the site. If i ever had to kiss a guy in my life it would be no one else but you guys, love you guys. Great site and keep up the good work. Thank you very much.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Colorado State Patrol
Here are two photos from the Colorado State Patrol of an attempted traffic stop gone wrong. I've heard of parallel parking before, but haven't ever seen perpendicular parking until now. The officer involved attempted a TVI (tactical vehicle impact, or words to that effect), which is when the cruiser bumps the left or right rear panel of the bad guy to theoretically make him lose control and spin out. Well, it doesn't always work too well with small trucks. In this case, the push bumper on the front of the cruiser got stuck in the rear wheel well of the truck, and here's the end result. Amazingly, there were no significant injuries; both the trooper and the bad guy lived, and the bad guy only suffered a sore shoulder.

Snoochy G wrote:
Subject: Hey, thought you might like to see this.
I was driving through Council Bluffs Iowa the other day and found this convenience store and had to take this picture. Thought you might like to see it, I love your site, keep up the good work.

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DtM wrote:
Subject: rigs
some oil rigs in LA, California that are cleverly disguised due to being in populated areas....

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Melissa wrote:
Subject: butt fucking nancy boy?
dude this shit is getting old. last year I told you if you want to pull an April fools prank to use a little imagination and stop falling back on variations of the same theme, taking away the site we love. this year I was looking forward to seeing what you could do but alas this years effort was may I say piss poor, it was as transparent as your mums undies on laundry day. better luck next year. but in recognition of your efforts heres a pic of a friend of mine, he says he prefers chicks but that don't stop him enjoying some mangina. sorry about the quality of the pic but I scanned it from the negatives I "acquired".

click to enlarge

Brad wrote:
Subject: Ahhh the joy of MARDI GRAS!!!
Mr., ORSM, I have been a loyal fan for over 3 years and I'm impressed with how far the site have come. I look forward to Thursday every week to see what you have in store for us. Hopefully I can make a worthy contribution to your already amazing site. MARDI GRAS is the Party of all Parties here in America, so I have included some pictures of my last trip there. I hope it is ORSM.net worthy!!!

click for gallery

dave wrote:
Subject: Emailing: RangeRoverSportMovie
hi there orsm. having already sent you the discovery & the range stormer video's i thought you might like this one aswell. this is the rangerover sport which goes on sale in may of this year. put it on you site but please dont put my full name or email address.

click to watch vid

David Harvey wrote:
Subject: I couldnt help playing in the snow
I got caught this morning on camera lol

Boys and their toys... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Clip of Mad Mate
Hi there Mr. Orsm. Attached is a clip of my Mad mate who is currently working in the UAE. I think he may be a bit "starved" if you know what I mean.... Great site!!

Don't ask me why but this actually made me laugh... -Orsm

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neal wrote:
Subject: A vid 4 Orsm (Bob.NZ)
Hey there Orsm.I've got this video of my drunk neighbour,I thought you might like to put on your site.He makes a habbit of falling to sleep while we're downing a few cold ones. We are your no.1 fans in New Zealand.(Neal & Brian)

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click to watch vid

Sacha wrote:
Subject: A buddy of mine slamming into a tree (video)
Hey orsm, A buddy and I are living in Lausanne, Switzerland for a year and we are here on a student exchange from Canada. We have really enjoyed the Alps this ski season, taking day trips to Verbier and Portes du Soleil, and we also did Saas Fee for a couple days. Our favourite resort was Avoriaz which is part of Portes du Soleil (there are 14 resorts in total that make up Portes du Soleil)... it had the best out of bounds skiing, we were able to find some nice couloirs, chutes and most importantly fresh powder. Anyways, to get to the point, the chute that my buddy is going down had been skied by me on a previous occasion when the snow was fresh and soft... the day this video was taken, the snow had a nice icey crust on top and my friend (Adam) couldn't plant his edge enough in the snow in order to make the turn, and so... you'll see. It was a pretty hard hit, but he was alright. Oh yeah, the chute very steep and fast. BTW, great site.

Mungraker wrote:
Subject: party pics
Yo Mr. ORSM, First off, I love the site and am a huge fan. I was surfing the site and realized I had some stuff that I would like to see on the site, and your other fans might enjoy. Use all or none if you please, but I will describe each to you. The first few are some partied out bastards, one of them is me(the one in the back of the truck covered in trash), one is some random bitch at a buddy of mines party, and the next are of my pal Shane, and by the way, he has never seen them, so on your site would be a great first viewing for him and all. The next is of my friend Paul after a nasty dirtbike wreck. Then a picture of a dead Iraqi shot and then shot by my little brother in Iraq. Finally a pic of some skank, who had just snuck out of rehab, that sat next to me on an airline flight. She was naked before we even taxied out onto the runway, and gave me this pic. Anywho, enjoy these, and I will try to send some more later.

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Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming.."
He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded, "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me"

click here for more

This just goes to show - never EVER make a woman angry...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...


A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a Bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her: "Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you" "Oh, I see," said the
woman"Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity"

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman"Sorry, we have rules.." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St Peter returned"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two"

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell" Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable"

The Devil looked at her and smiled"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff!"

I went to great lengths to minimise the vulgarity factor in this weeks RS but you guy's don't get all the fun! I made sure there was a couple of images that will make you cringe too! Why? Because I can...!!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his First day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colonies facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me" The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee"

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day - I'm outta here!!"

click here for more

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny do you have a story to share?" asks the teacher"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

"She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands"

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story." "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinkin'!"

click here for more

Well guy's what can I say... another update DONE! As always I hope you all had as much fun surfing it as I did sticking it all together and unless I can find something better to do I will be back at the same Orsm time and on the same Orsm channel next week with a brand spankin' new update.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and buy generously for me from my wish list! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.04.07-23.12
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Entertaining the masses since 2000. Welcome to Orsmnet.

What a stressful week it's been. What a head fuck. What an annoyance. Let's jump back to last Saturday shall we... I woke up as I usually do around 9am, dragged my ass out of bed, showered and came down to begin my Saturday morning ritual of scanning through the real estate section of the newspaper looking for that one special place to call my own. That was followed by surfing the web for more options and after an hour I had a list of about a dozen places to check out.

It hit 12ish and off I went. The first ten or so houses were the usual rubbish I have come to expect as a result of creative writing done by delusional real estate agents. I drove by, stopped had a gander and proceeded through my list only to be disappointed each time... until the last place I went to.

Looked interesting. Got out and went for a look, did the walk through thing. Pretty old but seemed to satisfy most of the criteria we had said we were looking for. Sweet. Call the old man and get him to swing past for a look before the home open finished. Without going into too much detail, when I find something I like I call him to go investigate due to his work background and experience with such things. Half an hour later I get a phone call and for the very first time he actually gave something I have found the thumbs up which is weird and you may go as far as saying completely out of character for him...

Anyway, the rest of the day was spent discussing this and that with friends and family and my brother who I'm partnering with to buy a place. 6pm rolls around and I call the agent back to organise another look through for Sunday.

Sunday was a long day. Waiting, thinking and talking about what my next move should be IF I'm interested and want to proceed. 5pm hits and a group of us went back there for a second look. After half an hour or so everyone had the gist of the place and we left.

As expected the entirety of Sunday night was spent in more discussion with various friends, family and my brother and I made the decision to go ahead and put an offer in. I'm not too sure how it works in other countries but when you sell your house here you specify a range that you want potential buyers to put offers in at. [i.e. $100k to $120k]. The problem for us is that the minimum asking for this property was $20k more than the bank had us pre-approved for. No big deal... you never know how desperate people are to sell so you maybe you'll get lucky.

click here for more
The next morning my first call was to the bank manager asking him what our options are. Basically he told me to put the offer on the place at our limit and see what happens. Call the agent and get him over to my place. We go through all the paperwork, discuss this and that and make an offer at our limit. He also tells me that another party had contacted him and would be placing an offer later that day. Grrrr...

As I'm prone to do, I spent the rest of the day stressing and over-thinking every possible scenario. As the afternoon progressed I was convinced that our offer was too low and would be rejected or out bid. Turns out I was dead right on both accounts. I wasn't disappointed or pissed off... probably just more relieved that it was over. End of story... or so I thought anyway...

I got a call this morning from the agent telling me that the offer from the people who had outbid me ended up falling through due to both parties not agreeing on a sale price. Suddenly I'm back in the game! We're welcome to put another offer in and see what comes of it. More fucking phone calls to mates, family and brother for advice and decisions and we've decided that we're going to have another crack.

The pressure is on now to get it done by tomorrow. If I wait until Saturday when the home is open again there's a good chance it will attract another bidder and we'll be in the same boat as earlier this week. This is what I mean by it all being a head fuck... there's soooo many variables to take into account, so many questions that need to be answered and so many different ways to approach things. If there's one thing for sure, it's all a big fucking game and at the end of the day I'm convinced that the only people to benefit are the banks and the agents.

I'm sure the next 24 hours will be an interesting experience and if everything falls my way, by this time next week the last 4-5 months of painfully wasting my weekends searching will finally be over. Wish me luck!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

"I've never done that before", she said smiling as the last of the sticky, hot sperm dripped out of her cum-soaked pussy. "There's a first time for everything", her girlfriend said, pushing her boyfriend out of the way and sticking her moist muff back in our virgin's face.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Anna Kournikova In Bikini - Hey Teach! - Classic Prank - Naughty Celebs & Babes - Hot Horny Teen

Ding Dong Blonde - Bend Over Baby! - Silly Buggers - Daisy Duke! - 3 Webcam Teens Stripping

Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favourite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?" The Prince said "This is mummy's favourite dog. Can you bring it back to life?". So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog." "Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog... nothing can be done"."But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favourite!". "I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life". "OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?". "Yes", said the Genie. "Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in April, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?". The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official - I AM the most beautiful girl in the world". Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world". Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

click here for more

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The K-Mart salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

click here for more


Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa

Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa - Alexa

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

I admit that this week's video probably isn't everyone's thing. I mean really - how many of you guys out there in 'internet land' have any interest in seeing some of the finest European built supercars being thrashed and pushed to their limit just the way God intended? Seriously though... this video is absolutely unreal. It's the kind of shit you would do if you were obscenely rich and didn't care that your tyres cost $1000 each to replace. Check it...

- Euro SuperCar Drift Action -

click here for more


In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I felt obliged to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for Australian Tax Office. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

My inbox has taken a hammering lately. Not only were there hundreds upon hundreds of emails from people complaining about my April Fools prank but a whole stack of other interesting bits and pieces too. If you wanna have your say, have something cool to send my way or feel that you'd like to abuse me for whatever reason then you may do so here.

Steve wrote:
Subject: Craig's Belfast Picture on 4-1-05
If Craig believes our President is in it just for the oil money, tell him to contact me here in Texas, I have some real cheap Gulf Coast Property I would like to sell him. He called our President a fucker yet he post a picture in Belfast were real Fuckers blow up kids, mothers, bystanders, etc. You know, I visit your site at least every week, and although there is a lot I think is disgusting, I do like the RS stuff. But every once in a while you let this crap on your site! If you believe all this left wing, left coast shit it's certainly your Right and it's a Free Country (Thank God) But sometimes you need to stop using only the Left side of your Brain! PS Tell Craig the rest of the world can kiss my Red, White and Blue Southern ASS! Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest, I get tired of seeing the left wing propaganda on adult sites.

David wrote:s
Subject: NOT a "Goose Strike"
Info from another site [about this pic]:
Check this... Sometimes you see the wreckage and wonder how anyone got out alive. If this Beech Baron had been flying a few inches to the right, we likely wouldn't be wondering how Robert Hollis Gates, of Tehachapi, Calif., managed to land the plane safely after a midair with a Cessna 180 last Jan. 16. The Baron lost a section of fuselage, but Gates walked away with cuts and bruises. The Cessna 180 broke up in flight and the pilot, 40-year-old David Lazerson, a civilian test pilot instructor at Edwards Air Force Base and deputy director of the Joint Strike Fighter Integrated Test Force, was killed. According to the NTSB report, Gates said he was in cruise climb between 5,500 and 6,500 feet near Tehachapi when he saw the right gear leg of the Cessna coming at him from one o' clock. He ducked, then saw a dirt strip and managed to set the Baron down. Sometimes it just isn't your day, but sometimes it is.

ZD wrote:
Subject: Car with wood spoiler
Hello Mr. Orsm, I have been a regular viewer of your website but this is the first time i've actually written in, after seeing one of the cars in your redneck section I noticed that this is my old friend from high schools car. He has done much more to it since then. I will try and contact him and see if he has better pictures, I know he added a "body kit" as well as some interior modifications, all plywood of course. Anyway great to see some saskatchewan love on the site. love it always.

Mr. Mike wrote:
Subject: what the...?
Hey man, first of all gotta tell you that i love your site.. But take a closer look at your last Random Shite pic.. This dude is happy, no way.. maybe more happy then he wants to be.. keep up the good work.. greetings from germany..

click to enlarge
Alex wrote:
Subject: For Sale (if I don't buy it myself....!)
1995 Range Rover. very low mileage. highly modified but street legal part of a deceased estate. let me know if you're interested and you can take it for a test drive. (see attached picture) Or, if you know someone else who might be interested, pass it on to them.
click to enlarge

em bee wrote:
Subject: My ex.
I thought I would shares these pics of Tiffany with you. She left me after catching me making out with her sister elizabeth. I thought she'd understand but I guess not. I hope you enjoy. By the way, you totally got me with the April fools gag! Good one!

click to enlarge click to enlarge

brad wrote:
Subject: pic for u
dude, i love the site, been checkn u out for at least 2 years now, thought you might be able to post this pic of my cock in the name of art, or some shit. enjoy!!!

This is what I get for posting a gay update... -Orsm

click to enlarge

XxMetalmanicxX wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
dude im a big fan of the work u do on your site . ive got some kickass pics of and ex girlfreind playing with herself and i thought that you could use them on your site

More of this sorta stuff is welcome from all females... especially aged 18-25. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jon wrote:
Subject: New car
Hey there brother Orsm. I'm on the hunt for a new car and the new Toyota Hilux caught my eye. I hit the Toyota website and I couldn't resist fucking with the pics. Attached is how i reckon they should deck them out. That'd get my sale no probs. Keep the entertainment coming mate. Great stuff.

click to enlarge

Juz wrote:
Subject: Feeling 4 u
If ya want you can post my pic on your site as this is what I wear everytime I go to a trail bike meeting ... some of the people just don't know whether to laugh or look away. Best of all well done on a great site

I'd hit it. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jeff wrote:
Subject: Halarious NHL Story
Hey! Great site! By far the best on the net. I thought you might enjoy this story and post it on your site. I know all hockey fans will love it as it might be the only "play-by-play" they hear for a long time because the NHL season was cancelled. Cheers and enjoy!

click to listen

Anthony wrote:
Subject: Big thing coming out of a small hole (non pornographic)
Hi. Thought this may be worthy of your site. I recently got this clip from a mate who is currently backpacking around South America. If you are offended by swearing turn the sound off. If you dont like seeing worms, blood & puss dont watch. Judging by your site you wont be in which case download, turn the sound up & enjoy the show.

click to watch vid

Kristen wrote:
Subject: Submission
Hi, I saw your site online. I am interested in submitting this thing my friend put together for me. Let me know if it works the way it is or if you need him to fix it. Good site. My name is Kristen by the way. Anyhow, have a good one.

click to watch vid

Sven wrote:
Subject: Oh Dear
This Palestinian gentleman, with what looks like a 7.62mm FN FAL, has fired a shot at an Israeli. Unfortunately for him that Israeli had three friends with him. That Israeli and his three friends had something that this Palestinian gentleman didn't. Do you want to know what it is?

click to enlarge click to watch vid

Shane mills wrote:
Subject: Great Link
Id love to see this art on your site, i mean thats the pleasure of art, to let people enjoy it and im sure your fans will. Keep up the great work, and enjoy the art.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-girlfriend
Hey orsm, Im a big fan of your site. I think the site rules. My dumb ex-girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years and a couple weeks later got togeather with another guy and after 3 month is now engaged. Funny thing is tho.... i still got pictures.... Please leave this anonymous

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
Click for more awesomeness

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her Mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything"? he asked. "Yes, yes, Anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead, take it out..." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well then... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said, "Hello, Mum?... can you hear me?"

click here for more

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman" said the small voice from the confessional. The Priest asked, "is that you Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is" replied the trembling voice.

"And who was the women you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation..." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now," said the kind Priest.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" asked Father. "I cannot say" said Tommy. "Was it Patricia Kelly?" I'll never tell. "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean sides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy.


Thinking "Out of the Box" many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant's garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers. What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

It was a hard effort to decide what to put into this week's Shite. Do I include some seriously fucked up stuff or just try and keep it relatively above board and not leave immovable images in people's heads. The answer to that question can be found by clicking the links...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event. There was no shortage of young ladies in attendance, and one of them approached the colonel. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the colonel said, "I'm just serious by nature."

Admiring his war ribbons, she said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel said, "Yes, I have." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel smiled slightly but made no reply.

Exasperated, the young lady said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?" The colonel raised one eyebrow and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you go. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little conservative?" Glancing at his watch, the colonel replied, "Oh, I don't think so. It's only 2130 now."

click here for more

Harry Peters went to the US Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam." Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" "I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?" "Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."

click here for more

Well girls and boys I'm sad to say we have come to the end of yet another mind blowingly huge update and to celebrate this you can all feel free to click here and race on over to Amazon.com to buy me a present for my upcoming birthday... this September.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to be cool. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2005.04.01-22.05
click here for more

Well what can I say? I've spent almost the entire day laughing my ass off. Orsm goes gay? Come on you guys! Not in this life time! Mature enough to put peer pressure and societal stigmas aside and embrace this change? Seriously what do you take me for? If you are still waking up and haven't figured it all out yet then Happy April Fools!

Let's recap shall we...

April 1st 2003: I spent some time coming up with a rather elaborate story about me having found true love in the arms of an Italian goddess that looked remarkably similar to Penelope Cruz and that I was going to sell the site or shut it down whilst we jetted off around the world together. The update stayed up on the main page for two or three days and you guys nailed me with around 250 emails ranging from good luck to sheer disappointment. I legitimately felt like an asshole after running this because I sucked in a number of close friends and some of the email that came my way was extremely sincere.

April 1st 2004: after a protracted speech about the problems we were having protecting files on the site from hot linkers I crapped on that I was fed up with the hassles involved and had decided to turn Orsmnet into a pay site. Quite a few of you called bullshit and quickly cottoned on to it being an April Fools prank although the majority of responses were mixed between thanks but no thanks and happy to pay for their dose of Orsm.

April 1st 2005: I proudly announced after spending over four years looking at good clean hetero porn I was over it and the time had come for a new chapter in my life by way of converting not only the site but myself to gay. The response has been nothing short of phenomenal. In less than 24 hours close to 500 emails have poured in. At a guess I'd say I fooled about half of you and the rest were already wise to my previous exploits at this time of year and didn't fall for it.

click here for more

I think I made it pretty obvious it was all a sham. The first line saying welcome to April, another about how I had been considering the change for a year to the day. The there's those utterly absurd videos I posted and lets not forget the pic of Elton John. I'm not sure if anyone picked up the text I had hidden directly below my blog in the blank space either...

While I think of it... several of you pointed out that it wasn't April 1st where you are. The date and time at the top of each update has and always will be my local time. This may be confusing for some of you but for future reference try and remember that I'm in a different time zone and for the most part when its night time here, its day time in the US.

Truth be known I had been planning this one for the last year. I had a few different ideas and several suggestions that may have been worthy but if you hadn't noticed thus far I deliberately set out to upset as many people as possible and with an issue as big as 'gay' it looks like I was right on the money.

So why bother? Because I can! It's what I like to call an abuse of power and I look forward to it all year long. If people get carried away with their reactions then so be it - Orsmnet is about having some fun and escaping from the drudgery of an average day so in my eyes pulling a stunt like this is a consummation of those things.

I want to make a point here that I have absolutely nothing against gay people. If anything you could say Orsm goes gay was an interesting social experiment. Some of the feedback that's come in has been hilarious, some has been outright abusive and in a few instances some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm far from ever claiming myself an activist for gay rights and I can safely say I have almost entirely forgotten what politically correct means but hating someone because of their sexual preference is pathetic.

I can definitely say I have had my fun but after the shit storm it stirred up I may give it a miss next year. The 1st falls on a Saturday and as we all know updates are done on a Thursday. My best advice would be to just forget all about this and not be on the lookout for it come 2006...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Like to mix it up? Want sexy, funny, weird, and extreme all in one package? Check out Idleriot.com! Idleriot is the fastest growing site in its genre. And with daily updates (unlike some of its competitors!) there's plenty reason to keep coming back. They're user-friendly too, offering prizes every month for the users with the most points. Submit your stuff and if they use it on the site you get points! Head on over today, you could be this month's winner of an iPod shuffle!

Pages and pages of pussy are available to make your prick drool and drip over at the atk galleria. It's the answer to any gent's girl-next-door fantasies; finally you'll see those sweet titties of those little fillies that fill your pint to the brim at the local pub. You can ogle the asses of those school-uniformed lasses you see at the college across the square. And you can finish up by coming on that prissy missy's muff spread wide with just a click on this shag mag of hot cunts.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Extreme Uni-Cycling - Ski Doo - Thailand Now - Burger Battle - Flexible & Sexable - Great Pussy Shot

Sweet Cute Blonde - Stripper Mum - Polish Gang War - Teen Webcam Sluts - Hotties Making Out

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story." "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinkin'."

click here for more

Young Johnny had been blind since birth. His mother had always explained to him that it was God's will and must be accepted. One Sunday, Johnny's mom came home from church and told Johnny that she'd had a conversation with God and He agreed that it was time to let Johnny see. "He said if you'll pray real hard and fast every day this week, next Sunday you'll be able to see. Young John hardly ate a bite that week and spent his every waking hour praying and waiting for Sunday. By Saturday night he was weak from hunger and exhausted from praying and he dropped off to sleep in great anticipation of morning. Johnny woke to the sound of church bells on the soft Spring morning. He lay with his eyes closed for several minutes to savor the coming event. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and to his great dismay, realized he was still blind. "Mom!" the lad yelled, "I still can't see."

His mother, touching the boy's head softly, said... "Yes, I know Johnny, April Fool!"

This week's feature video gets my vote as one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. It's a fitness video aimed at an audience I doubt even exists and hosted by some chick named Mariko Takahashi who miraculously went from flab-fantastic to skinny mouse impersonator. Prepare yourself for three minutes of absurd commentary, weird costumes, annoying music and dancing poodles. Check it...

- Making A Fitness Video [Whilst Tripping On Acid] -

click here for more

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"

click here for more

Have you heard about the web's first and only absolutely free adult super-site called MyFreePaySite.com? They are absolutely ridiculous! They have more content than almost every expensive paysite on the web including thousands of streaming DVD-quality movies, exclusive live webcam shows with sound and chat, as well as tons of photos, games, and erotic stories for your enjoyment. They even offer full color celebrity tapes in various movie formats for convenient download. The site is incredible for both broadband and modem users, with optimized content for everyone! And best of all, it's 100% free, all you need is an email address to join, and they even accept free Hotmail and Yahoo accounts! Check it out now!

Time for some mail. As usual there's been more than enough to keep me busy sorting through and for this I thank all of you have taken some time to drop me a line. For everyone else - shame on you all! To make up for your sins you should click here immediately and send me what ever it is that you think we would find interesting.

Joseph Dyke wrote:
Subject: Hello My name is Joe and your site is great. I wanted to send you these pics of the aftermath of an accident my brother was involved in. A truck slammed him from behind when he was at a red light, then was pushed into two other vehicles. Not only did he survive, he only has bruises on his chest and left arm. Be careful out there. Thank You.

click to enlarge

Craig wrote:
Subject: George Bush the fucker
Hey Orsm, Attached is a picture I took of a mural in Belfast, I think it pretty much sums up world opinion on George Bush. Keep up the good work

I'm not a Dubya fan but some people really do have too much time on their hands. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mika wrote:
Subject: Hey I found something intresting when I bought cereals from store
I opened the cereal box and this thing came out... =P all stuck together... heh, funny

Tasty. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

John Donald wrote:
Subject: Goose strike...
This is how a goose at 185 knots can ruin your day. The pilot was injured but was able to land the aircraft (Beech Baron) safely.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Vitor wrote:
Subject: Photo
Here's how to use the government subsidies for agriculture... Congratulations for the great site!

I think this is what you call a 'Plaudi'... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny Red Roster Rules to use the playground
Me and my friends found this at Red Roster in Melbourne,sydnham, When waiting for our food. Funny i think anyways. Had to send it to my main man in MR ORSM :D, Love ur site bro keep it real dont post my Deatils.

The sign looks incomplete with out a 'chip spad' stuck to it. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Scott Parkin wrote:
Subject: Munter!
Hey, this bird went on webcam for me and sent me a few stills, after this picture i lost the will to live and burst into a fit of laughter, this is what you call a dirty bird!

How come they're never 18, blonde and hot? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Tops T wrote:
Subject: mazatlan spring break
Hey Orsm, wicked site man, heres a nice before and after pic of me suckin back some mexican beer at Bora Bora. "There goes the beer dogs". Enjoy!

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: some cunt having a laugh
Spotted this on another site and couldn't let it pass without comment mate! It is Galen from "Planet Of the Apes" grinning away down there isn't it?

What's even scarier is how proud she seems to be. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Marwan Moubarak wrote:
Subject: Pics
Performance cars from Finland ,hope u post em...

I'm sure there's a few Aussies out there who can beat this...? Email me here. -Orsm

click for gallery

No Name wrote:
Subject: girlfriend pics
I love your site! Anyway, I stumbled onto these pictures on BearShare. The moron shared his My Pictures folder where he had a number of naked pictures of his girlfriend. Enjoy!

The evils of file sharing - don't secure your shit, expect to find it posted online by unscrupulous website operators... -Orsm

click for gallery

Dave wrote:
Subject: kewl video
Yo Mr O. We just took this video tonight of us using, in my opinion, the best method to destroy some wasps' nests. I know you can't really see the nest (it was small and it was night time), but i thought the flame looked pretty cool. Feel free to put it on the site if you like.

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: waiting for a fuck
Hey. Got a few avi files and pics of this chick. Here's the first one of her waiting for a fuck. Please don't publish my details. Thanks!

Too short... the video I mean... -Orsm

click to watch vid

adam thurston wrote:
Subject: mikey
Hey man, your site is awesome, keep up the good work. This is my buddy rolling his truck on a wheelin trip. Maybe you could put this on your site, people would get a kick. thanks

Whoops... -Orsm

click to watch vid

Clay Sills wrote:
Subject: I made a movie!
Dear Orsm: After two years of being a maniac with a dream and a video camera, I finally completed my first full-length movie. I'm attaching a clip from it because I think it's really funny and think the other denizens of orsm.net will, too. There's a shameless plug of my URL in it, and in case anyone wants it, it's www.myfirkinfamily.com

click to watch vid

spiderwumunx wrote:
Subject: once again pics of my tits
My dearest Mr. Awesome, orry it has been so long since I last sent you pics of my tits. My shitty Dell crashed and then crashed again. I hate to admit but I have been getting off on seeing pics of me on your great site. I hope it isn't asking to much to have you post some more. I even see that chrome200 wouldn't mind seeing some more either. I hope I don't disapoint. Lots of love.

We DEFINITELY need to see more please! Spectacular! -Orsm

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old geezers!

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Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy

Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula , GA , in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor "I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin? He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Fuck me, is it midnight already?"



1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My CD's are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me. I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

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During World War II the train from Liverpool to London was absolutely full and many soldiers had been standing in the corridors for hours. All this time a wealthy dowager had been occupying two seats in a first class compartment, one for herself and one for her tiny dog.

A weary English Officer asked her politely whether she would mind putting her dog on the floor. She replied, “I have paid for Fifi's seat and she is going to stay there for as long as she wants.”

Eventually the Officer could stand it no longer. He picked up Fifi and threw her out of the window. For a moment there was stunned silence.

Then an American Officer sitting opposite leant towards the English Officer. “You know”, He said, “You English are a strange lot. You eat with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”


Okay let's get back to some proper Random Shite. I had my fun with the gay stuff but if some of the email you guy's sent me was any indication you guy's missed this section of the update more than most. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A middle-aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on "special".

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!". The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.

The manager approaches the woman and asks, "Can I help Madam?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Madam please, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!!

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

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Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie - Lucie

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00. Court Costs: $45.00. The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!

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Well folks that is all you get from me this week. It just about killed me but I somehow managed to pump out two updates in two consecutive days. You could search the world over and not find another instance of such craziness...

If for some peculiar reason you feel like rewarding me for torturing you with the whole gay thing then feel free to swing past my Amazon.com Wishlist and buy me something!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and RIP and thank you Paul Hester. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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