orsm.net
Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
orsmsite
orsmstuff
orsmstuff
moreorsmness


Click for more awesomeness

April 2006...
 
orsmupdate 2006.04.27-22.19
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Obviously you have a beef, Stu... but please don't stir things up...

Another week? Seriously where the hell does it all go? I could have sworn I just finished last weeks update yesterday...?

Talking of updates... some of you may be happy to see they are 100% back to normal again this week with nothing omitted or missing. The whole holiday/take a break thing never really eventuated but I did at least put the time to good use.

Sadly though I've come to define 'good use' as working like a dog. Even with a weekend and the Anzac Day public holiday thrown in for good measure not a whole lot else has been going on except sitting at my desk chained to the computer via my mouse hand staring blankly into the screen and punching away at the keyboard.

Turns out that taking on more work than I could handle wasn't such a good idea after all and now I'm paying the price. It's a case of one day hopefully it'll be all worth the trouble but for the moment I'm starting to get sick of the sixteen hour days, seven working day weeks and stress-filled sleepless nights. I'd usually throw in a 'poor me' here but people who feel sorry for themselves annoy the crap out of me...

Moving on... I hate to admit it but I've been fighting off Big Brother withdrawal symptoms since it wrapped up last year however, much to my delight, it has returned in earnest for 2006. For the next seventeen weeks or so we'll be provided with ample opportunity to criticise, bitch about, hate on and gossip over fifteen relatively random people.

click here for more

Such is my addiction to this show I have even gone as far as signing up for the 'premium' section of the BB website so I can see what's going on in the house any time of the day or nite... and trust me that I have been doing! This is where having a widescreen monitor is awesome - I can keep working away and have a little streaming window open in the corner without interrupting what I'm doing.

For the most part I find reality TV excruciating. The Amazing Race, Idol, Survivor, The Apprentice - they all suck ass and I can't think of a single other reality show that is worth watching but for some reason I have stuck with BB since the first series way back in 2001. Despite the closely controlled environment [and as sad as it may be], BB seems the most real and entertaining.

This weekend... I have no idea. As utterly boring as it sounds it looks like I will be stuck working once again. Not that it matters much - now that the cold weather has kicked in night time activities are limited to strictly indoor unless you like freezing your janglies off [which funnily enough I don't]. With some luck all this extra shit that has been piled on my plate will come to an end over the next few weeks which means life can return to normal and I can get back to some of the things I miss like the odd DVD and sleep. Here's hoping!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Naked Pool Party - Artificial Love - Base Jumper - Emo Song [Hilarious] - Human Touch - Cop Chase - Idiot Owned

Pimpin' Preacher - Funny Bushism's - Jenna Jameson - RateMyPix - Tasty Teen - Big Drill - Big Boobs - Sex In Public

Click for more awesomeness

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

click here for more

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar - a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman called out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By jove, he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face... "Fuck off, mate! I'm on workers comp!!"

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit jacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
After a nice two week break Reader mail is back! I can hardly believe it myself! The good news is that because there has been an onslaught of quality mail flooding my inbox during this little hiatus I have decided to make it up to you guys by posting as much of it as I can... and I'm sure you will all agree there is some cool shit contained within.

If you'd like to be part of the Reader Mail revolution then we are always more than happy to see pics of your bitch Ex, jokes that make you laugh so hard a lung was busted, videos so amazing that they'll go around the internet ten million times and pretty much anything else! All you must do is click here and send it my way.

Peter wrote:
Subject: Puncture proof tyres
Hey Orsm, Great site, I think the video clip for the punctureless tyres is for a product called Stans No Tubes, an aftermarket product which converts tube tyres to tubless. Have some on my MTB and they rock no more punctures...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: self sealing bike tyres
they are probably just self repairing innertubes - have seen them around in bike shops and even big w - think they call it slime. works pretty much the same way as the stuff you can spray into car tyres if you have a puncture.

Dean wrote:
Subject: Rock Bitch Video
Thanks for posting the Rock Bitch Fisting video on your excellent site. I saw a doco on these raunchy sluts a while back on SBS. Even though it was late night SBS, they still had to censor most of their act out. However you could still work out what on-stage X rated antics these sex crazed sluts get up to. They even picked a guy from the audience and took him out the back and sucked him off ! You dont get THAT at a Britney concert. What a shame they've now retired. We need a new group to take over.

demiurg wrote:
Subject: Soundtrack of the "Deep Throat" movie
Does anybody know what the soundtrack is in the "Deep Throat" movie?

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fiona Cunnenn
Rad dude. Here - post this. Most superficial chick in Melbourne.... Fiona Cunneen, she lost her top on a machanical bull at a outdoor broadcast for NOVA FM - stupid bitch.

Stupid bitch? I have no idea. Good boobs? Definitely! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mike wrote:
Subject: german random shite and ad-clip
Hi Orsm, attached a pic of an unshaved redhead's rear I banged. Relaxed rest of the week.

Sometimes it's the simple things... -Orsm

click to enlarge

James Haryett wrote:
Subject: Beach lesson #43
Don't be shy and ask someone to help put sunscreen on those hard to reach places on your back, even if it's only your guy friends around. For even a mildly homoerotic situation is better than this...

That hurts even just to look at. -Orsm

click to enlarge

DavidsonImagery.com wrote:
Subject: Pics
Just some fun with photography. From down at Lane Poole Reserve, near Dwellingup. (south of perth). 2 minute exposures ... got my mate to sit dead still while rest of the camp went about its normal business

Love your work Braddles. -Orsm

click for gallery

Aaron Carr wrote:
Subject: the ex............
G'day Mr Orsm. Sick site, good to see a west ozzie doin it for the boys..............!!! Keep up the good work. I stole some photo's off the ex's phone before she left. Hope you enjoy em.... Please leave details off or i'll be off for good. Cheers

click for gallery

Darkghost wrote:
Subject: Some Wet tshirt photos for your site
Hi there, love your website! here are some photos that i took at a wet tshirt comp in a small town called broome, it was at the local pub. Hope you enjoy and maybe post on your site!

click for gallery

malektaus wrote:
Subject: 2006 Dallas Auto show
Thought you might like these for the next update. 1st one is Fords concept truck, unluckily this is the only pic that turned out. 2nd set (4 pics) is the Camaro concept, retro to the 67' through 69' series but the only resemblance is the roofline. 3rd is Dodges contribution to the police, better pull your ass over now!! 4th is Dodges new Charger concept, hopefully they will do it!!!

click for gallery

Bung wrote:
Subject: Foam test Ellsworth AFB
hey matey, don't you love the office e-mail systems? the cover page for these said: "The Foam Test AFFF system at Ellsworth AFB Was only supposed to last a few seconds System wouldn't shut off... I'd hate to have to explain this." the hangers house B1 bombers ... BIG planes ... BIG hangers ... LOTS of foam i suppose if you're gunna screw up you might as well do it properly :^

requires powerpoint to view

graeme wrote:
Subject: vid
g'day orsm, this week you featured a harley doing a burn out in a shed, which i thought was kinda crap, cos it was a harley. so, howsabout a burnout in a shed with a true aussie icon - the good old holden ute? ok, it's not quite the standard 202 in it, more like a 454, but it is a local. that is, if you'll allow bunbury to be local. if you ever go to the drags down at the motoplex, this is the guy with the turboed ducati. enjoy

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: boyfriends revenge
find attached video phone footage of a lass from our area. She's dumped the boyfriend in the footage but now he's deceided to send it to every fucker and its spreading like wildfire

Absolutely fucking HOT! -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced 8 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married 8 times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, tutored and seen video clips on how but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do... GOD I miss him!"

"But now that I married you, I am really excited!" "Good" said the new husband "but why?" "Because" said the new bride "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

click here for more

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

- If they are counting the bricks.... put them in the accounts department.
- If they are recounting them... put them in auditing.
- If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks... put them in engineering.
- If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order... put them in planning.
- If they are throwing the bricks at each other... put them in operations.
- If they are sleeping... put them in security.
- If they have broken the bricks into pieces... put them in information technology.
- If they are sitting idle... put them in human resources.
- If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved... put them in sales.
- If they have already left for the day... put them in marketing.
- If they are staring out of the window... put them on strategic planning.
- And then last but not least... if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved congratulate them and put them in top management.

RANDOM SHITE
I'm quite proud of this weeks little RS concoction. There is some cool shite from all over the place that's sure to turn some smiles into frowns into smirks. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

An elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!!"

click here for more

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

ORSM VIDEO

Guess what? That's all! Finished! Acabado! Finito! Fini! Terminado! All done for another week... which I have no doubt will pass in the blink of an eye. I put my heart and soul into this bad boy so if it sucks then I guess I do to...

Will I return next week? Yes... weather permitting of course. In the mean time feel free to show me some love and spread the Orsm word. It would go something like this: "Hi Fred, you should really check out ORSM-DOT-NET. It's full of hot chicks, jokes, videos and stacks of other cool stuff. As a matter of fact if you don't go there and tell all your friends about it I'll kick your fucking teeth in okay?!". Simple. Direct. Effective.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to rug up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.04.20-22.32
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. You like boys, dude. Admit it.

I guess it's safe to say at this point that summer is well and truly over and for the most part it has completely sucked this year. For starters the heat didn't really kick in until mid-January and we haven't had a really hot day for weeks. Speaking of which, really hot days were few and far between for the duration... totally opposite from last year where summer started cranking early and we had plenty of warmth right through until the end of April. The reason I say this is because we have rain forecast for tomorrow and for most of next week. Something tells me that it's going to be a long, cold, depressing winter.

Once again this week you guys will probably notice the update is slightly chopped down. Reader Mail has been ditched [because I figured you all could live without it] but Random Shite has returned. It kind of surprised me how many emails I got about leaving it out last week... so much so that I was left wondering if RS is the only reason people come here!

Anyway time to bore you all with the mundane tales of the last seven days...

The long weekend was an absolute killer. As is the norm, I was up bright and early Friday morning. Guaranteed the first thought to pop into my head is always that of something catastrophic having happened overnight following my update whilst I obliviously slept through it. Thankfully there was nothing so the first hour or two of my day was spent pottering around the house trying to restore some vague sort of order to the place.

I had pretty much one goal for the rest of the day and that was to get my car cleaned and stereo working again... something which took around six hours to accomplish. Why? Drop-in's! That I can remember, there were at least five random visits from friends and family throughout the day... I guess it's nice to know I'm loved huh!?

click here for more

Obviously with the whole Good Friday thing red meat was off the menu so a few of the guys rolled around for some fish and chips and beers. Following that we decided to sit down for a DVD [and made what would later be deemed a critical error] and watched Syriana... not exactly the light hearted time-wasting entertainment that was required.

Saturday was the start of a three day gardening onslaught. As a matter of fact I have checked with Guinness and they have confirmed that no one else anywhere, ever in the entire history of the world has gardened as hard as I did on the weekend. Frustratingly, despite how proud I am of how much I managed to get done there's still more than enough to keep me going for a few days yet. Oh how I am looking forward to winter and the way shit DOESN'T grow...

As was planned we hit the town on Saturday for a big one... not a ginormous one... just a big one. Just enough to get drunk and be merry but still be able to walk across the road to catch a cab without getting run over. The good kind of drunk. Unfortunately it didn't help me much the next morning with a mildly early start for Easter breakfast. It was definitely a case of avoiding anything greasy and sticking to dry, non-reactionary things... like toast.

As I mentioned above, the rest of the weekend was relatively null and void of anything too exciting happening except for one curious occurrence whilst I was burning down the freeway at around 15-20kms/hr over the speed limit. Hiding behind a bridge in the shadows were about half a dozen motorcycle cops with the laser gun out clocking speeds. As I went past, not noticing them until it was far too late to slow down, the cop just gave me a wave. No indication to pull over. No speeding fine. No double demerits. Nothing. Just weird considering the Easter road blitz.

Thus far this weekend is mostly plan free and I intend on keeping it that way. There's a mountain of work that requires my attention so I dare say my days and nights will be spent chained to the computer but one thing is for sure - there will be absolutely no fucking gardening or house related shit whatsoever. In other words its time to have a break from having a break...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Pamela Anderson - Adriana Lima Hotness - Original Zoolander - RateMyPix! - Magic Ass - Can't Say *** - Don't Steal

Who's Your Daddy? - Bitty!!! - Jessica's Boobs - What The!? - Foamy - Veronica - Alizee Strip - Amateur Porn

Click for more awesomeness

A British company is developing computer chips that can store music in women's breast implants as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.
--
Bill walked into his favourite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie the bartender, "Where's Beverly the waitress?" "She's dead," replied the bartender. "Dead?", asked Bill. "She died from herpes.", said the bartender. Bill replied, "You don't die from herpes." "You do if you give it to Big Louie!", said the bartender.
--
The only thing that casts doubt on the miracles of Jesus is that they were all witnessed by fishermen.

click here for more

BLONDE BEAUTY

Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana

Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana - Dana

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly..."So............... ya gonna follow the Freo Dockers again this year?"

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

So the man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

ORSM VIDEO

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from England".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia." "The person says I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia." That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an Australian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?" "No, I am from New Zealand" "Where are all the Australians?" The New Zealander looks at her watch, shrugs, and says....... "Probably at work!"

RANDOM SHITE
Back by popular demand... ladies and gents I proudly bring you... Random Shite!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt, Mom.

click here for more

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

ORSM VIDEO

Well what do you know... another update all done and dusted. With some luck I've managed to not only entertain you for a while but also keep you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing.

As for the question of when I will return the answer is next Thursday. Updates will be back to normal with everything in place where it should be. There has also been fucking tonnes of awesome Reader Mail flooding in so if anything it'll be worth surfing by just for that. In the mean time feel free to tell the world about this fucking great website you found - O-R-S-M-DOT-NET - and make me a happy boy!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to spare a moment for the ANZAC's! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.04.13-22.32
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Show me the drug-fucked shimmy!

If you think hard enough you will probably recall I spent half of my blog last week crapping on about how I was looking forward to this week on account of the fact I was planning some time off. The idea was basically just to relax and stay the hell away from the computer for a few days with some gardening and random odd jobs around the house thrown in for good measure. All pure fantasy as it turns out...

It dawned on me at some point last Friday that I was committed to a new project thingy that has an end of April deadline so I should probably sit down for a couple of hours and have a look at it... you know - just to make a start and all that.

Didn't take long before I realised that I have way more work ahead of me than I originally thought and as such ended up spending the majority of my Friday, Saturday Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday camped in front of the computer working my ass off. Lets not forget the nights too because they were chock-full of the same thing. But poor me huh? Well not quite. To be honest I don't really give a shit. A change is as good as a holiday [or so they say] and it's been good staring at something different for a few days.

Sunday was my only real reprieve. Even though it's now 100% functional I still have some bits and pieces to finish on my carport. Because of its position in relation to the lawn, the sprinklers have a tendency to cover the carport and my car in nasty, brown-staining bore water. The fix is to cover up the end adjoining the lawn with a whole bunch of fibreglass sheeting I liberated from a demolition site but to make it work I first had to build the frame which is what Sunday was all about. Pretty straight forward but more than anything just good to give my carpentry skills a bash for the first time in a long time.

As I assume most people will be well aware - this weekend is Easter and that means a nice four day weekend. I've resigned myself to the fact it's going to pass in a flash so plans are in place to make sure I get the most out of it.

click here for more

For starters tomorrow morning we'll be camped in front of the computer working on that project thing I mentioned above followed by complete cleanage of my dusty and shit everywhere house. Late afternoon a few friends are coming over for dinner. What's on the menu? Fish and chips! Okay so I'm not exactly what you would call religious but there is the odd tradition I casually abide by and one of those is no red meat on Good Friday. I seem to remember something about no alcohol on the day too but I figure I spend enough other days throughout the year completely booze free so I'm not letting this opportunity to consume some pass me by.

Saturday is going to be a big day. We have a council green-waste pickup next week and there is a crap load of trees and plants and shrubs and bushes and weeds and god knows what else in dire need or trimming or removal. So yeah... that's my day gone before its even started. Saturday night should also be a big one. We're doing the annual go out and get rolling drunk thing and as it's a long weekend there should be no excuses from anyone for piking out.

The only thing I will have to worry about is sleep. If I get too drunk and get to bed too late there's a damn good chance I will sleep through the family breakfast at my old man's place on Sunday morning. It'll be a trade off - restraint versus never hearing the end of it...

Rest of the weekend will most probably be a case of more gardening and that kind of shit. There's rain forecast so that may put a dampener on things [so to speak] but if all else fails I don't see myself being to upset about having to park it on the couch, put my feet up and watch a couple of DVD's...

Anyway before I get cracking with the update please keep in mind I have been busy with other stuff so this week has had a few sections dumped... namely Reader Mail and Random Shite. Rest assured they will return in a week or two!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

What An Idiot - Dukes Of Boobies - Ali G [Hilarious] - Bloody Americans! - RateMyPix! - Quick Combi - String Bikini

Slam Ball [Crazy] - Happy Families - What An Idiot #2 - PitBulls Vs Bull - Gabriella - WWF Catfight - Easter Prezzies

Click for more awesomeness

A Black man goes into the doctors and says he can't stop jogging. The doctor puts 2 lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them. This he does and he immediately stops. "Fuck man - is that cocaine?" says the black man. "No" replies the doctor, "It's Omo - guaranteed to stop colours from running!".
--
A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!" The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you." About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you." Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look" he says, "I'm sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now!"

THE TASTIEST BLONDE YOU WILL EVER SEE... EVER!

Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata

Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata

click here for more

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale: $5000"

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire. "The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to into a million pieces.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

click here for more

THE DARKER THE MEAT, THE SWEETER THE JUICE

Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam

Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam - Miriam

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

ORSM VIDEO

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."

She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?" He says, "Yes! I'll show you..."

So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again!"

So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having."

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're pissed."

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

40 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
40. Orsm is the best.

click here for more

Bhola goes to a grocery store and spots cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. Bhola doesn't strike him as the cat owning type and thinks he's buying it to feed his kids. So he asks Bhola to show him his cat before he will let him have the cat food.

So Bhola goes home and returns with a cat which forces the reluctant manager to sell him the food.

The next week Bhola is back at the store and finds dog food on special. He picks out a dozen cans and heads for the check out. Again the Manager is suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but no way he has a dog and that the dog food is really for his kids. So, he asks Bhola to go get the dog and bring it back to show him it really exists before he can let him have the food.

So Bhola heads for home and soon returns with a dog. The Manager again has to back down and sell him the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. Somewhat curious the Manager obliges and immediately pulls it back out. He looks at Bhola and shouts: "What the FUCK?! This is SHIT!" Bhola calmly replies: "Yes! And I want to buy some toilet paper..."

ORSM VIDEO

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

Well girls and boys that's me for another week. We were missing a few Orsm fundamentals this update but hopefully there was more than enough to keep you all occupied for at least a few minutes!

If you're taking advantage of the long weekend and heading away for a few days all I ask is that you drive safe, don't speed and keep your eyes on the road! There's enough fucking moron's out there already!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and have a happy Easter Bunny. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.06.04-22.44
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet. Quiet please - can't you see I'm trying to work here?

If you've been a loyal Orsm-er for a few years you'll probably be familiar with my previous April Fools endeavours. I think it safe to say they provided far more entertainment for me after seducing most of you with a convincing tale in regards to the future of Orsmnet as I sat back laughing like a madman as the email flowed in.

2003 was the first one and funnily enough it makes me cringe every time I read it. I'd found true love, decided to shut the site down and run off overseas with a beautiful Italian princess which looked remarkably like Penelope Cruz. Next up I put forward an elaborate story about Orsmnet becoming a pay-site and of course my favourite one from 2005 - Orsm goes gay. I've got to say that I have never received so much abuse in my life as I did in the days following that one. It was frickin' hilarious.

So the pressure has been on for the last year to top my previous efforts. Tonnes of ideas had been bandied around and in the end the answer was simple - just do nothing. From what I can tell it had the desired effect... I got quite a few emails from people who had invested some time in searching for something that wasn't to be found. In other words, mission accomplished!

Now its time to talk about me because as intensive polling data has revealed - that's why ALL of you come here...

I've spent the last couple of weeks doing my head in trying to work out how I could have a whole the week off before the Easter long weekend and I can think of no way to make it work. Some of my friends have suggested I just say 'fuck it' and don't update but I know I'll struggle with that. I don't really know what mental dysfunction this qualifies me for but I'd feel more like I was letting myself down than anyone who surfs this site. Don't ask me why that is... I just have a hard time letting go and back down. Am I cracked? Possibly...

click here for more

It's been kind of frustrating this year seeing most of my friends and family book holidays and head overseas or interstate and take a break for a few weeks knowing it doesn't work that way for me. And it's not as if I want to go away anywhere - I just need some 'me' time for a change. I've forgotten the last time I spent an entire week nite sitting in front of the TV or reading a book when I wasn't partaking in a bowel movement or having a good sleep in. It's the simple things I crave!

So what to do? Well I'm going to try and make a compromise... I figure I can still update but just make it a mini one by chopping the sections that take up the most time. That way you guys get your weekly dose and I get some away time from the computer. If all is successful I'll try and swing it for the update after that too but trust me when I say at this point I'm just excited at the prospect of a half week leading into Easter.

Anyway... my last week... busy but for the most part relatively uneventful. Saturday started off slowly so I took the opportunity to get some groceries done due to there [once again] being absolutely no food in the house. It's starting to become apparent that hitting the shops every four or five weeks to fill my fridge and cupboards with everything I need to get me through the next four or five isn't really working for me.

The rest of the weekend consisted of installing the automatic garage door opener thing I got off eBay and plenty-o-gardening... which strangely enough is exactly what I have planned for this weekend. And the cycle continues...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Hilarious Quagmire - Girls Kissing! - Street Dog - Crazy Behaviour - Ass On Fire - Awesome Bod - Teen Gets Nailed

Wet T-Shirt Boobs - Cool MySpace Editor - RateMyPix - Hoff #6 - Bouncy - Libby Hoeler - Phone Sex?

Click for more awesomeness

Two Pakistani guy's see an advertisement in a shop window, reading "Be white for $10". They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse. As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend his mate the $10. So off he goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, he comes out looking white! The other Pakie then says "Wow! That really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well!?". His friend turns to him and says "Fuck off Pakie!" and walks off.

click here for more

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where here was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!".

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically 'balanced', as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from apart of you. Now let's see... where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Reader Mail has cranked this week with various bits and pieces coming from every corner of the globe. Keeping with form it was an impossible task deciding what was to make the cut and end up on the main page but I'm sure you'll all be amused and entertained with what's below.

If you'd like to contribute and possibly have your bits and pieces ogled by hundreds of thousands of people then we're always happy to see pictures, videos, jokes or pretty much anything else that you can stick in an email. How? Just drop me a line here!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: AFL
Hi Orsm. Love your site. Just thought you might like to know the identities of 2 Perth Footballer's busted for recreational drugs by the AFL - who refuses to release the names- if by some unbenowest reason you didn't already - Graham Polak from the Dockers and drum roll - Michael Gardiner from the Eagles (big surprise ... not). Keep up the Great Work on the site.

This probably makes no sense to anyone outside of Australia but to cut a long story short - the Australian Football League does regular drug testing of all players on all teams. A few weeks ago there was an announcement that a few players had tested positive to recreational drug use but no names were released... or until now it seems... -Orsm

Daniel wrote:
Subject: April Fools
Hey Mr ORSM, Ive checked out the site and as far as i can tell you did not do anything for April Fools, I think that you did that to confuse everyone just so that they would go crazy trying to find what you did... Keep up the great work

Zypher Z wrote:
Subject: Self Sealing Bike Tyres
Hey man, this clip simply amazed me. I seriously want some of these tyres for my bike. I saw the Kenda logo on the side of them but couldn't find anything about these tyres on their site. Are these prototypes, are they available, who makes them? Thanks alot man, and of course, oorsm site!

There was a stack of enquiries about this but I really have no idea. To me it looks like something has been sprayed inside the tyre that moves to fill the puncture as opposed to the tyre doing it. Anyone know for sure? Email me! -Orsm

Scott wrote:
Subject: Chris Bliss Gets Dissed
Hey, I saw the Chris Bliss juggling video and thought you would want to check this out. Penn Jillette (from penn and teller) has a radio show and he basically dared his juggling friend Jason Garfield to duplicate the chriss bliss routine, but with 5 balls. The point being to prove Bliss' routine wasn't that impressive.

Warren Sole wrote:
Subject: A picture on your site
A friend of mine recently led me to your site as a picture of a beer chair that I created and posted on the internet. I originally listed a caption with the photo as "What sailors do in their off time... my worst idea ever" as I am a sailor and the creator of the picture you posted, I would appreciate if you would give a shoutout to all members of the armed forces of the United States, and we will say we are even for having my artwork on your site. Respectfully, A PROUD AMERICAN...

Stuart wrote:
Subject: The real mans toy box!
Dear Mr. Orsm, My boss introduced me to the site 2 years ago , been lovin the site ever since. I work in Bangladesh now and still check it out every thursday. Check the picture out, its from my holiday in Florida, the real mans toy box! (see the hummer and the harley in the back).

Coolest shit ever! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Rich wrote:
Subject: Thanks Dad
Imagine the hatred built up after years of torment from having a last name like “newby”. This tool is looking at the camera funny because he is wondering why anyone would want to take his picture when there is on a carrier full of cool hardware to photograph.

click to enlarge

Dr DEE wrote:
Subject: Only in Africa
In Otjiwarongo, Namibia (next to South Africa) this rabid kudu jumped through the bedroom window of a couple chilling in front of the tellie - nature conservation had to come put it down. I think that's closer to nature than I wanna be.

click to enlarge

Gord Dobson wrote:
Subject: PICS OF BARRETT JACKSON AUCTION SMASH
I was at barrett jackson aucton last week, a 1964 ford galaxie slipped into reverse hitting a 1929 model a pick-up pushing it into a 1967 pontiac lemans.

Bloody Ford drivers... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: exgf
Hello Mr Orsm. Been a regular visitor to your excellent site for years now, and decided it was about time to contribute. These are some pics of an exgf from a few years ago. Hope you like them, and if you do, no details please.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: some pics of my ex
hey been thinkin about this for awhile and figured what the hell, here's some pics of my exgf. she was awesome in bed and into damn near anything. I got a couple hundred like this, mostly from her camera phone, if you like em and they get good response, I'll send you some more. as usual leave out my info.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for your Site
Hey Orsm dude love your site! Thought i would send u these pics of a bitch i know she pissed me off so wanted to get back at her! Shes a slut!

click for gallery

20psi.com wrote:
Subject: Ralph Australian Final
Hello Mate, Once again on the sunny Gold Coast we host another sexy Bikini comp with 40 of the hottest girls in Australian and NZ. I was there funnily enough because it was held 100mtrs from my office in Cavill mall. Anyway I have 2400 images of every girl in rehearsals then that night in formal wear, there own bikinis and then Brazilian Bikinis. I liked the girl who come 2nd more then winner and that will show in the sample photos I have here. I should have it all updated on 20psi.com by today or tomorrow. Oh and these girl will be in Ralph next month if you want a closer look...

click for gallery

Chris wrote:
Subject: Shit bang
Gday Orsm. I am living in China at the moment and thought I would send you a funny clip I took on a digital camera when taking a river tour in Guilin. I love the Chinese new year.

Kung-poo...? -Orsm

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: howdy
Mr Orsm: Here's another vid of me and the ex. She's not ridin'... but she's gettin' ready to. Hope you like. No details please.

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.

click here for more

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

ORSM VIDEO

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars." and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

RANDOM SHITE
Blah blah blah... Random... blah blah... Shite... blah blah blah... check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

ALL SITE ACCESS GIVES YOU THE HOTTEST TICKET ON THE NET! ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST
PORN SITES THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT! THIS IS TRULY A BACKSTAGE PASS TO
SOME WILD, WILD ACTION! CLICK HERE TO COME CHECK IT OUT NOW!

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him. "No way and no needles. I hate needles!" the patient says. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," says the dentist "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth!"

click here for more

There was this Fancy dress party, where people had to dress up as an emotion. The first guy to arrive turns up in green - all green... green hair, green face, green body, green everything. The bouncer looks him up and down and asks "So what are you meant to be?" "I'm green with envy!" the guy says, so the bouncer lets him in.

Shortly after, another guy turns up - this time painted all blue... blue hair, blue face, blue body etc. "And what are you?" the bouncer asks. "I'm feeling blue, I'm sad..." "Come on in" the bouncer says.

A while later two young Indian guys turn up - fully naked! But one has his dick in a bowl of custard, and the other has his dick firmly planted inside a pear. The bouncer asks "What the fucking is going on here? This is a party for 'emotions' what the hell are you guys?" The Indian guys look at each other before addressing the bouncer in thick Indian accents: "I am fucking dis-custard", and the other says "I am fucking dis-pair"...

ORSM VIDEO

Well boys and girls I am done. Yes the time to call this update finished has come and I can finally go find some dinner and watch the latest Lost before crashing out for the nite. As for my next update... I'll be back next Thursday... unless I find something better to do!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and keep it in your pants, son. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

orsmfeatured
orsmlinkage
orsmorsmness
moreorsmness