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April 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.04.30-22.44
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. A swine flu vaccination? Can't we just use oinkment?

I'd like to start this update by saying I hate people who call everyone 'babe'. It's annoying, falsely portrays affection and doesn't make you glamorous. Don't do it.

Seems my little bitch session a while back about the early onset of wintery weather was way off. Obviously I underestimate my own influence on the universe sometimes or at very least local weather conditions. It's been lovely, clear weather. No sign of rain and not even all that cold. An 'Indian Summer' apparently which, until a few minutes, ago I didn't know meant "a period of sunny, warm weather in autumn". This is good because not only does it mean my car stays cleaner but the 'red leg' I get all through winter from sitting to close to the foot heater that everyone thinks is a serious medical condition is still a way away.

Swine flu. I remember thinking the bird flu thing a few years back was kind of scary but the way it's being talked up anyone would think this is the apocalypse which will wipe humanity off the planet. Maybe it will but with my shut in, work from home lifestyle I should be okay. 'I Am Legend' about to become my reality. Have to feel sorry for the Mexicans though. Who did they piss off? If it isn't epidemic drug wars then its pandemic swine flu.

Movin' on to me, myself and long weekend activities. Honestly the only downside of the whole thing is it passed far too quickly. Blink and you miss it. Everything else was fantabulous.

Saturday kicked off with anticipation of the night ahead but with a few hours to kill I did what I do every weekend without fail and washed the car. From there it was off to pick up a shit load of booze for the combined housewarming/birthday/surprise wedding and then back home to get showered and ready. Kick off was 4pm. Long story short - 80 or so guests for what they thought was a 60th birthday, but was actually a wedding. I think probably half of them had figured it out beforehand but it was still a good idea and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

The rest of the nite was reminiscent of the weekend before with the same conversation over and over. Of course some details change when certain extended fam and fam friends are involved. "Yep still running the porn site" becomes "I'm doing consulting" for instance.

Sunday was a low key recovery day. Sleep in until mid-morning thirsty and in desperate need of the greatest hangover cure known to man - Hungry Jacks [Burger King for everyone else]. Anyway I get to the drive-thru speaker and say "Can I get a large bacon deluxe value meal with a Diet Coke please." "Was that in a meal?" "Yes." "Regular or large?" "Large." What drink would you like?" Diet Coke." "Drive through please". And that ladies and gentleman is proof that some people are too stupid to even take a fast food order.

Got any similar stories of dealing with morons who struggle with the simple things? Email me!

Okay enough bore-babble. Obviously last week's update is going to be just about impossible to top. The awesomeness oozed out of every single pixel and people will be talking it for years BUT I did give this puppy a good shot. What I'm trying to say here is building on perfection is no mean feat. Anyway.... check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's Game Time - Simply Gorgeous - Alison Angel - Deluxe Hugs - All That Ass - Propaganda? - Disgusting Bitch

Britney's T-String - Creepy Face Guy - Sexy Dancing - Food Poisoning - Take A Seat! - 'The Power' - Bubble Boy

Dog Leashed - Pam's Pom-Pom's - Lez-tastic - Married - Lovely Luna - Kicking Butt - Bye Texas - Amputee Fighter

The World Health Organisation advises swine flu sufferers that standing in the sun too long will make your skin become crispy and delicious.
--
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness."
--
Q: How do you get a retarded kid to kill himself? A: Give him a knife and then ask him who's special.
--
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

ORSM VIDEO

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be possible if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative. He just kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband 2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me."

"Husband 3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband 4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband 5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."

"Husband 6 was from Administration. He thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband 7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist. All he did was talk about it."

"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist. All he did was look at it."

"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector. All he ever did was... God I miss him."

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? To which she replied, "You're with the Australian Tax Office"... this time I KNOW I"M gonna get SCREWED!"

RILEY CHASE
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The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5"9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. .

"I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."

"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds "till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?" I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick..."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".

Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike."

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".

10 BILLION VOLTS
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READER MAIL
From the onslaught last update, this week was noticeably quieter. Was it something I said...?

Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and make it happen!

RL wrote:
Subject: Regarding the poor chopped off girl.
First of all, I want to apologize for passing this photos. Unfortunately they are real. The cartel people or candidates to be part of the cartel commit these type of acts to terrorize fellow cartel members or rival cartels even the authorities. This girl was mexican and according to the thread a north of the border girl that was mesmerized by either the money or the power of one of these individuals.

There are three versions of these pictures and of course like everything we can't really confirm nor deny these: 1.- She dated a Cartel and she paid for whatever he thought she deserved. 2.-She was a prostitute and got too greedy and a cartel member just used her to prove a point. 3.- She witness something and they cut her to teach a lesson to her and her loved ones. In all of the versions she is allegedly alive.

The purpose of the thread is to make everyone aware that even a joint of marijuana is fueling the power of the cartel. That is something to think about. We should get high on life and beer and smokes.

-=[MikE]=- wrote:
Subject: Lost Wallet
So about that. It had everything in it but an ID with an address right? Because if there's an ID then they both are stupid.

Good point. -Orsm

Austin wrote:
Subject: David Thorne
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon. [continues]

burgess wrote:
Subject: PictureMail
Here a pic of a nasty dirty 22 year old from a bar in indiana, she was at her bacloette party and had sex with a guy in the back of the bar.

Quality boobs. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago LP 640 Roadster
Another "You Lost It - You Bought It" story. 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago LP 640 Roadster. One Of The Current "Telephone Pole Hunters". Right Foot Overrules Brain Function. Of Course, A Total Loss!
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: welcome to another edition of the "pole hunter"
Gday Mate. Another Lambo bites the dust. I included the 07 I sent earlier again.

I suppose if you can afford to buy one you can probably afford to crash it. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kim Kardashian...
...fell asleep sunbathing with butterfly sunglasses on. Nice raccoon imitation. Anyone have aloe vera?

You would still go there... over and over and over again. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tit Pic
Enjoy your site. Here's a girl I hooked up with occasionally. Decent in bed, nice DD tits, and she sucks cock like a vacuum. Best blowjob I've ever had. Please don't post name or details. Thanks.

I'm intrigued by the large areola and demand more. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Tom wrote:
Subject: OAP Dogging
They make me sick...

Grandpa needs love too. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dale wrote:
Subject: MotiV8
Dont think i'd stop to look at the damage...

Or it was one of those "Where the fuck did I put the marshmallows?" moments. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Mike wrote:
Subject: My Little Pony
goto espn.com, and once the page has fully loaded do this: up up down down left right left right b a (repeatedly hit enter)

Apparently was later removed but screenshot shows what was happening. -Orsm

click to enlarge
ZotDot wrote:
Subject: Great Random Shite Photo
ORSM, Love your site. I happened across the attached image, which was hot at first, until I saw the girl on the left had a tampon string hanging out of her pussy! Thought you might like to use this in Random Shite or something.
click to enlarge

Steven wrote:
Subject: GLIETHOON HOLLAND
YOU DID SAY SEND US YOUR CRAP DIDN'T YOU ?

Send away! -Orsm

click for gallery

Mike wrote:
Subject: RS???
a new thing with the youths around here street art???, and some thoughtfull graffiti from Lisbon, KTF

They do say all of us has an artist within. -Orsm

click for gallery

J wrote:
Subject: Chick from Philippines
Hey ORSM. I love your site, I look forward to the updates every week. Here are some photos of a chick from the Philippines. I've chatted with her a couple time and she sends me her pictures.  Sorry for the poor quality.

Fillipina. Check. Boobs. Check. Muff. Check. Think I'd still need more proof though... -Orsm

click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: Why was it played down
Beautiful, just plain, honest facts! "I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." --Winston Churchill
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: fugly
My son plays on these dating sites and some of these very attractive ladies (from their pics) come round and he shags them and takes pics to show his mates and his dad, privacy please)

Hmmm... don't know if I'd own up to that one. -Orsm

click for gallery
Pagey wrote:
Subject: Guest Book
Had my mother over from the mainland after Easter and she had insisted that we travel to the West Coast of the State. One of the places we stayed was in Strahan and here are three excerpts from the room's guest book.
click for gallery

Terry wrote:
Subject: Waves
These will make you think Hawaii

Make me think of getting dumped and drilled into the sandbar. -Orsm

click for gallery
Jay wrote:
Subject: SW Texas Trail Cam
The things you see at a water hole.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex
Hey orsm! Greetings from the USA, I'd sent a handful of pics months ago of my ex. As much as I despise the bitch, she's a hottie, so I figured i'd share the wealth once again. I included some of her calendar contest pics as well. Please hide details, thanks! Btw, for any curious, the car is my old 2001 Trans Am. Miss that car every day.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ANZAC Day related tribute
Hi, long time lurker, first time contributer. love your site. cant wait for every friday morning to check the update. thought you might like this bush poem by a guy named Dave Proust. the words are there to follow and a version of Dave reading it. Dave is an award winning bush poet, song writer, comedian. this poem always brings a choking feeling in the end. hope that you like it.
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Four married guys go golfing. On the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy says "That's nothing - I had to promise my wife that I will re-landscape the whole backyard."

Third Guy "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen AND bathroom for her!"

They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy says "You silly bastards have got it all wrong! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said 'Wear sun-block'."

TEEN BARBIE
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Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' silliness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

RANDOM SHITE
The fiddy bag of the internets. Check it...

click for gallery

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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What you doing, bro?"

The koala said, "Smoking a J, come up and have some." So the little lizard scurried up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few spliffs.

After a while the little lizard had a horror case of the dry's and said he was going to get a drink from the river but the little guy was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. He asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" The koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... how much water did you drink?!?"

GIMME THE CHOCOLATE HUNNIES
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Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

ORSM VIDEO

There was a Scottish painter named Jock who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, and eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Jock put in a bid and because his price was the lowest, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the grass among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And above the sound of thunder, a mighty voice spoke. "Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more!"

BIRD STRIKE
click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

Yes that IS all. Except for this last bit anyway...

- Check out the site archives. They're extra virgin, cold pressed. Lovely flavour.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Update 17 for 09.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray do something really bad to you. You have his word on that.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't get swined. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.04.23-23.27
Open up and say AHHH

Welcome to Orsm.net. Do you know who loves it? Who REALLY REALLY loves it...?

Gday gday. How the hell are you guys he asks rhetorically? I'm good and actually a little bit surprised the update actually made it up without having to chop anything. Countless interruptions is where I'm at this week. Luckily I foresaw friends and fam dominating my time [read: requiring my mad skillz] and gave up my nights to get it together... come to think of it not sure who that's lucky for... definitely wasn't me but as they say - time spent sitting on the couch, relaxing, sleeping, exercising,  and enjoying life is time wasted. Wait... what?

Okay let's jump right into the cool stuff and on to my activities for the last week because after all if you guys couldn't live vicariously through me your lives would be all the more shallow... correct? You poor bastards.

Last Friday saw yet another visit to the vet. I use the term loosely because after parting with $644 for blood and urine tests, the consult and two weeks of meds there has to be a more appropriate name for them. Shyster is a possibility. I concede they're doing a great job and the upside is that my much adored pooch, now dubbed Michael Jackson due to her pigment loss, is getting better but holy-fucking-shit I'm regretting not getting that health insurance for her now...

Pretty much the entirety or Saturgay was spent shopping. With a wedding this coming weekend, a birthday and two engagement parties last weekend it was time -yet again- to dig deep and get presents sorted. For the record, with the vet bill and present splurge my $900 stimulus handout [and then some] is now completely obliterated. Sadly not a single cent spent on me. Easy come, easy go...

Sat night kicked off with an engagement party. Pretty low key and good to catch up with some long lost mates. From there it was off to a friend's 30th. By the time I got there the party was in full flight which provided plenty of amusement... particularly one very drunk chick. This girl was pointed out to us by a mutual friend. The story goes she owns a huge strap-on and likes to hammer guys with it. Not long after she comes our way uttering something along the lines of "I need a man - are you single?"... which obviously in that instance I definitely WASN'T. Five minutes later we spot her jumping in a cab with some unsuspecting guy. Oh to be a fly on the wall at her place that night... "Now close your eyes and... BANG! I just stuck it up your bum!"

The other highlight was this weird couple. The guy, who shall forever be known as 'exaggerated pose guy', was just generally out there but his GF on the other hand, who had an awesome rack, was stunning... until we shook hands. I have big hands. Hers were bigger. I have a man's voice. Hers was manlier. All I'm saying is that drunken strap-on girl may not have been the only one hammering a guy in the poop-shoot that night...

Sunday was supposed to be a day of clean the car and keep to myself. That went out the window with what was sort of an impromptu engagement party that afternoon. I say impromptu because it wasn't organised until less than 24 hours before to be exact. Not to matter though - had a good time and ended up being kind of a mini school reunion.

Ever have those manic, unescapable, overtly social patches? Jam packed endlessly chatting to different people. You have the same conversation over and over and over. In future it may just be easier to get a fucking t-shirt printed: "Yep still running the porn site. No I don't have time to fix your computer. Haven't seen him in years. I live in X [suburb]. Single. Driving a Holden now. Thanks."

All up it was a pretty decent weekend but thankfully they don't come that thick, that often. Funnily enough I say that knowing this weekend is more of the same. Its a parental wedding which means soon-to-be family are inbound which in itself means several dinners and a lunch on top of the nuptials. I'm sure it'll all be great fun but seriously I can't wait for the social black hole of winter.

Alright better stop crapping on and do the update. If I really have so much to say maybe I should write a book that also no one would read. And with that... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Go Tribal - Boobies!! - Fuck The Earth - Real Little Mermaid - Perfecting The Fail - Crazy Cleavage - Latina Hotties

Super Slo-Mo - Blondalicious - Disgusting Homo - Ram The Boobs - Seriously WTF - Hard Falls - Cock Sucker

Bad Parenting - Retarded Pose - Oh Adrianna - Such Tenderness - Being Branson - Certainty - Star Wars Dallas

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
--
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
--
Q: What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person? A: Neighbour.
--
Q: What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If it was forced on you as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.
--
Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says, "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?" His Dad replies, "Well, for a start, son, yours isn't erect."

ORSM VIDEO

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

As the husband puts a gun to the naked man's head, the wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

MICAH MOORE: TASTY TEEN
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy replies, "No I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I'm fucking her."

The boss says, "Errr... you fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a monkey. The shop owner pointed out three identical monkeys and said, "The monkey to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that monkey cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next monkey on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other monkey can do, plus it knows how to use the LINUX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third monkey. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him doing anything, but the other two call him boss!"

UP THE DUFF
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God! Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he"ll kill us both!" she replied. "He"s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope... just when it's raining."

COME FLY WITH ME
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
This was probably one of the hugest mail weeks all year. Love or hate what you find in an update you guys have to admit you're getting your money's worth...

Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and make it happen!

Steve wrote:
Subject: Math puzzle
Just thought I'd email you to tell you I figured out the answer to the math puzzle in your readers mail this week in about 5 seconds flat. Feeling pretty pleased with myself. The answer is 3263442. Simply really - you just multiply each number by itself +1. i.e. 1*2=2, 2*3=6, 6*7=42, 42*43=1806, 1806*1807=3263442. Oh and for the record I have a degree in Automotive Engineering Design so the less than 3 minutes bit was correct! Love the site and keep up the good work.

Turns out you guys love these things. Will see if I can track down some more. I added a bunch of names of people who had the right answer to the spreadsheet. -Orsm

dan wrote:
Subject: Math puzzle
Each number is the previous number multiplied by the previous number plus 1. 2=1*(1+1),6=2*(2+1),1806=42*(42+1) etc etc, took me about 30 seconds to figure it out and as I'm far from a genius I call bullshit on that whole architects taking hours thing.

Phill wrote:
Subject: Greets from VA
I'm a Senior Designer and Programmer for a Naval Architecture firm and the little quiz took me about a minute.

Took me less than 5 seconds. I'm a high school dropout. -Orsm

Iain wrote:
Subject: Pizza Roll Fatty Boom Batty
Mate, That was repugnant! hahahahaha ".....yah know...it works". I have a challenge for you fatty! Get your behemoth carcass out of your bedroom, stop fapping and eating ...and lose 60- 80 kgs. I bet in a few years when they have to crane the fat porker out he'll blame his metabolism for his morbid obesity, not the Kgs of junk he shovelled down his gullet! I would rather inject soy sauce into my eyeballs than watch that vid again. One of your worst! Well done!

Ben wrote:
Subject: reguarding: This Is WRONG
I love your site. Long time reader, first time caller. So, in response to Pizza Rolls Fatty. HA HA HA!! I went to collage with that fat ass. If you were thinking that he was breathing hard while gorging himself, you should have heard him while walking up and down stairs between classes! Keep in mind that there were only 2 floors to the school. He was like a Wildebeest that got his ass chased down by a Cheetah. Hide my email. Thanks.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Anyone want $180!?
This is off a wrx forum, please hide details. Turns out that she didnt want to go to cop shop was because there were a few eccies hidden in the purse..... [continues]

Un-fucking-believable. -Orsm

Ray wrote:
Subject: dominos
hey orsm, maybe you have seen this, but i'll send it to you anyway this was posted on 4/15/09.

That in response to the Don't Eat Dominos vid from last week. -Orsm

Juan wrote:
Subject: Translation of cut off girl post
GIRLS PLEASE DON'T GO OUT WITH NARCOS THEY ARE DANGEROUS AND VENGEFUL, THEY ARE THE MOST MEZQUINE KIND OF HUMAN BEING THAT EXIST, BECAUSE THEY DONK KNOW FEAR OF GOD THE IMAGES ARE VERY STRONG THIS GIRL WAS LEFT ALIVE SO THAT SHW WOULD SUFFER THE REST OF HER LIFE IN THIS STATE, PLEASE BE DISCRETE AND REMOVE YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS OR KIDS SURROUNDING YOU BECAUSE IT CONTAINS VERY STRONG IMAGES.

Orsm im sure this is in Mexico, we've been living more than two years of escalating wars between the government, including the army and the drug cartels that control territories. Also cartels are fighting each other for scraps of territories as the government makes his way through. Last year there were more drug related murders that dead soldiers in Iraq.

aaron wrote:
Subject: gday!
gday! i like you site and i regularily tune into it. i think its tops. i just have one thing that i saw that i felt was rather unsettling, it was the '.. all chopped up'. with the poor asian girl with no fore arms or legs. i feel that it didnt need to and shouldn't have been shown. i feel that the poor girl deserved a bit more dignity than being on your website. i know i would if i were in the same situation. other than that its a top site and i enjoy reading/viewing

There were literally dozens and dozens of emails about these pics. Some translations, some bagging me out for posting. Don't know about you guys but when I see stuff like that I tell myself it's photo shopped. -Orsm

Jesse wrote:
Subject: Reply
Felt that I had to share this with you and your readers. ORSM.NET is her favorite site that I ruined by the way. :-D So Mr. Orsm, what should I do here? I love her, she's just a spoiled brat. It's been 3 years of this crap...

Candi, for the love of good learn to use the 'enter' key. Starting a new paragraph never killed anyone. Jesse, if she has good boobs take her back. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: This is what happens when your rude to people!
On Saturday I saw this man reversing and heard a loud noise, I noticed his tyre was flat so I pointed and he kept reversing. So I went up to him quickly and he electric windowed his window down, and I said 'hi do you know.....' and he nodded and wound it straight back up and continued to drive away. Other people pulled up and were looking at the car as it loudly drove away doing all of 3km p/h and I told them he had a flat. We said good luck to him as it was a public holiday and hardly any garages were open. You would think he would have used his initiative and changed it himself or called RAC or something...instead this happened.... see attached!!!! Karma!!!

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PAUL G wrote:
Subject: My Emergency Room Visit
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the ER I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all it cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service. It also works at DMV, Food Stamps Office and the Laundromat.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: girl pics
Here is a couple of girls that played with my best buddies mind and then split like it was no big deal so....... If only I could smite them, better yet I will send them to the best site on the web. Orsm.net rocks. Peace.

Adsy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Connor Simpson -- what a guy

Doing us all proud. -Orsm

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Kola Jo wrote:
Subject: Dodgy Menu
Hi Mr ORSM. Went to the Augrabies Falls the weekend and had some lunch. Wasn't so sure about the cooldrinks though. Have a good one.
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Diver Down
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: Harley hearse
Going out with style!!! The funeral home is in Topeka, Kansas. They told me that this rig can be rented for $500 plus a dollar a mile over 100 miles. The owner of the rig sort of looks like somebody from ZZ Top, doesn't he? The owner of the funeral home is the guy in the suit in the bottom photo. How to go out in style.
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Cornel wrote:
Subject: Easter
Hi Mr Orsm. Some pics from South Africa. We cant wait for Easter. DONT CALL ME DURING THE EASTER LONG WEEKEND, PLEASE................ I'LL BE VERY BUSY. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl Pics
well i was looking thru my old email accounts and i found some old pics of girls i had i just want to share it with some ppl k plz with held my information
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bill wrote:
Subject: Engineering Question of the Day
Engineering Question of the Day: Q.) How much does a house weigh ??? A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently. SO WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY HOUSE INSURANCE, CAR INSURANCE , OR, DOES IT COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE ???
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Intense Back Hair wrote:
Subject: Why one-night stands are bad for you!
HORRIFIED Wayne Robinson yesterday showed for the first time the tattoos a girl carved on him as he slept after a night of lust. The Sun told last week how pretty Dominique Fisher was convicted of wounding for slashing her name on Wayne, 24, with a Stanley knife as he lay in a drunken sleep. [continues]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girlfriend pics 2
G'day, Couple of weeks ago I sent you some pics of the missus and I taking care of business. Well I thought these pictures were far too good to not share. No details, once again. Ta.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emirates Airlines A380
Hey Orsm. I work in a position that allows me unescorted access to Airlines. This is an Airbus A380 from Dubai UAE, while it laid up here in the States. You will never see this kind of excessive oppulance from anywhere but the Middle East, bought and paid for by high fuel prices. Note the restroom sign... Max occupancy in shower is 2 people. Lucky jagoffs. Cheers from the Peoples Republic of California.
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Life Is A Holiday wrote:
Subject: Outside Mackay Marina, Nth Queensland. Woops!!!!!!!!!!!!
New boat $2,000,000 claim on insurer Club Marine. !! Sea trialing of new boat just outside Mackay Marina , Queensland .....Auto pilot is on at full speed. Decided to back one motor off, full electronic controls, to see how it would handle with just one motor. The skipper realized that there was no reaction so throttled second motor back, still no reaction. At that point they decided to disengage the auto pilot; you guessed it, again, no reaction. They had 1 1/2 minutes to sort things out before hitting the breakwater wall.......... Crash bang!
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nmwot wrote:
Subject: Haggis Racing
hey mate, listen to this, makes you realise the english cannae understand the scottish accent....well, some of them. cheers,.
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: a new way to play...
hows it going, a guy i worked with filmed this a few months ago on oxford st in sydney. i love how he keeps playing even though he is getting a blowie. i guess the guy hit more than one jackpot!

Some people have no shame. -Orsm

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bitch needs a slap with music
If you had turned the volume up you would've heard in the background the music playing. The individual in the video is doing what is called Rap. Rap is a rhythmic chanting often in unison of usually rhymed couplets to a musical accompaniment. All the kids on the street think its the bee's knees. Anyway nice job with the site, long time fan blah blah blah that whole 9 yards and such. Retain my info if you would please.

Absolutely hilarious. Original here. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the Captain's red shirt and, while wearing the bright frock, he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

LEXI BELLE
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RANDOM SHITE
Today's RS's epitomises why you bought a computer. I just warn you to be careful - don't fall in! Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

CHAINSAW SCULPTURE
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Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas The West End. Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"

Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Habib's sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Parvinder says "No wonder you only get £2-3" Habib says "So what does your sign say?" Parvinder shows Habib his sign. It reads, "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

ORSM VIDEO


Killerupdatethisweekdon'tyouthink? Hey before you go...

- Check out the site archives. Cool bananas.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Cool beans.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray fuck you with a cheese grater. Gently at first and then harder as he builds to orgasm.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats T&S. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.04.16-23.03
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. What the WHAT?

Howdy folks. How the hell are you dudes? Miss me? All chilled after the break? Counting down the days until Anzac weekend for another one...? Yep me too...

Don't know about you guys but I'm suddenly $900 richer thanks to the federal government's stimulus handout. Aka Rudd Bucks. Okay so as much as it's nice to get a free chunk of cash for doing absolutely nothing it still makes no sense to me. I could have survived without it and the way it was handed out is the way we're supposed to spend it - recklessly.

Admittedly I fucking hated economics class in school so I probably have no idea what I'm on about but it seems to me all this shit is just prolonging the inevitable slide into oblivion. This little bonus multiplied by millions of recipients is supposed to stave off recession -which it won't- and I'd bet ultimately keep us there longer with billions in debt hanging over the economy. At some point that vote buying $900 will have to be paid back with interest which means higher taxes and a sour taste in everyone's mouths. Nobody wins.

Moving on... Easter weekend. Four days of perfection. It's so fucking cliché to say it but I wish every weekend was a four day weekend. Life would be minimum 28.5% better.

Must have shit the bed Friday because I was up far too early for no good reason but made up for it by doing sweet fuck all - watched a movie, had a nap. Ideally I'd spend more days of my life this way but at a certain point I begin guilt myself. It starts to loom upon me that I've achieved absolutely nothing for the day and suddenly I'm at the computer looking for something productive to do. It's quite sad really. I'm the victim of my own personality defects... really need to find a nice girl to settle down with so I can make someone else suffer them...

Saturday was a flurry of activity. Half the family at my place doing whatever before sitting down to watch the football, fucking disgrace that it was. From there it was off to help a mate plug in a set top box. 'Should be easy' I thought and it was until you add DVD, VCR, HiFi, component cables, RCA cables, s-video cables and whatever else. Funnily enough this is why I had a professional to do mine. Was supposed to head out that nite, or at least I thought I was. Victim of an incorrectly dated invite which would have seen me rock up a week early to a party. Thank fuck I worked that out in time...

Sunday Easter Sunday. Literally the only day of the year I eat breakfast and did it with the fam. Bacon, eggs and all that greasy shit that shortly after eating makes you want to kill yourself. From there it was home to laze around the house, wash the car and eventually out that nite. It's a long running tradition to head out Easter Sunday to get blind drunk... which we did. Had a great time too. All the elements were right - good mates, good music, lots of booze and spent Monday recovering. Magic.

And that'll do for the mind-numbingly boring part of the update. Let's get on with the good stuff. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Damn Addictive - BF Attacks - GF Retaliates! - Unfknblvbl Bod - Drug Hilarity - What A Beast - SuperDuper Head

Pierced Nipples - Accidental Nutshot - Foodgasms - Lela Star - Great Prank - Crazy Ass - Sox Dancer

Actress Slammed - Ugly But Good - Jessica Upskirt - Beanies - Great Acting - Car Trouble - SW Tesla - Passing Out

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a cunt.
--
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
--
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
--
A man walks into his doctor's office after having taken several tests to learn the results. The doctor asks the man to sit down. "I have some bad news for you, Mr. Phillips. I am afraid that you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

ORSM VIDEO

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: "Mummy, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over...

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again...

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE FUCKING BIKE.

GODESSES... THEY WALK AMONG US...
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves...

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all... "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thing don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.

BABY ANIMALS
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READER MAIL
I won't lie to you guys. This week's mail bag is brimming with some submissions that you'll tell the grandkids about. Spectacular to absurd to sexual. The very essence of Orsm and, to a small degree, the chilli and garlic laden flatulence I pushed out this morning.

If you would like to submit something to Reader Mail or for the site in general then you would be making me very happy. It's always nice to get email that isn't trying to sell me replica watches or commercial property in Russia. Anyway high on the hit list are cool vids, pics of your ex or current squeeze, jokes and pretty much anything else you can send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is point your mouse here and make it happen.

Pat wrote:
Subject: IMMIGRATION
Hi buddy, This moron that the Americans have elected has just sold us out again, this time to Cuba and Fidel. Would you happen to have any room for a few thousand honest, hard working Americans to settle down in?

I still don't get this Cuba thing - why is it bad? Oh and if you want to join us Down Under it's easy. Simply sail a shitty old boat into our waters. As soon as you're spotted up by the Navy set your vessel alight and claim to have been persecuted in your country. We'll ship you to a tropical island paradise, provide food, healthcare, accomodation and it wont cost you a cent! After a few months of that you will be set free on the mainland to begin popping out as many kids as possible... and guess what - we'll pay for the whole fucking lot of them too! -Orsm

Sipho wrote:
Subject: African Site Supervisor
Dear Seh. The steel roof and framework she is already constructed. Pleese send us the foundation plansand thedrawings before the big wind shecomes. Regards from Sipho, Site Supervisor.

Brilliant. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Article from CNN USA
Greetings. found this on CNN. How bad is this? Please don't show details. Cheers

You gotta love the latest ad technology. -Orsm

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bill wrote:
Subject: Beware of the next fire drill!!!
A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office campus when almost all employees were present (approx 5,000 people). As per past fire-drill practices, the entire office was quickly evacuated within 3 minutes, and all employees gathered outside the complex in designated areas waiting for further announcement. Before long, the fire drill officer in-charge made the following broadcast over their loud-speakers system:

"My dear colleagues: With sincere regret, I have been asked to announce that for many of you, this will be your last evacuation drill with us. Due to the on-going recession and bad business climate, the company is laying off almost 50% of its staff. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building. And if your swipe-card does not work, then it means that you have been laid off, in which case you will not be allowed inside, and all your personal belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.

The company is using this innovative, never-before approach as we do not want to choke our email system with lay-off notices and farewell messages going by the thousands, and we also wish to avoid any fighting inside the office and the consequent security issues for all staff. We hope you have had a rewarding career with us. Now please move back in. and good luck !"

Actually somewhat true it seems. -Orsm

V wrote:
Subject: friar tuck
My Mate Jayson trying to impress the Ladies...or the Boys not sure which yet. Cheers

Hopefully this becomes fashionable again... rapidly balding as I am nothing would make me happier. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: What a bitch
So if you can read the picture of the e-mail you can see how big of a bitch my ex girlfriends mom is. Just out of no where she kicks me out. It's funny becuase I was moving out that day anyways because Candi and I had a fight about her talking to Ross, a useless pot dealing/smoking coke user. She told me she didn't want to be friends with him anymore and she got a new number and everything just to give it to him a few months later. So blah blah blah she's spoiled little princess bitch that now has to live with her pill popping loser of a sister. HAHAHA And I'm having the time of my life without her!! She checks this site all the time and her birthday is on April 8th. So if you post this on the 9th that would be an awesome belated birthday gift from the both of us!! I love the site and hide the details as always. P.S. Happy Birthday Bitch!!! :-D

Bobby wrote:
Subject: MEXICAN LION
This shop in Mexico was tired of thugs breaking into his shop so he came up with this idea.

Ahhh so THAT'S why the poodle owners do it... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fw: sea snake
Returning from a trip over to Koks island,mate called out"we've run over a big sea snake".Had a quick look ,saw nothing,felt nothing and no vibration we kept on our merry way. Arriving back in Carnarvon we pulled the boat out,dropped a pinkie off to and old couple and were taking photos at his caravan when his missus said "what's that?".Now we know where it got to or whats left of it.Never felt any vibration for the 20nm after we ran over it at 22knots.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: something for the site.
Browsing through the damaged vehicles at pickles this week I came across this patrol, I don't really give a shit how the accidents happen but the spare tyre told me anyway....
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Gday again Orsm, Digging through the old lap top photo archieve on the weekend and stubbled apon some old pics of my X from few years ago smoking my pole, and of course thought id send em on to you and Orsm fans to see, Cheers, and as usual keep up the good work.
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Rene wrote:
Subject: POR ANDAR CON UN NARCO
NIÑAS POR FAVOR NO ANDEN CON LOS NARCOS ELLOS SON PELIGROSOS Y VENGATIVOS , S ON EL SER HUMANO MAS MESQUINO QUE EXISTA, POR QUE NO CONOCEN EL TEMOR DE DIOS LAS IMAGENES SON FUERTES A ESTA CHAVA LA DEJARON VIVA PARA QUE SUFRIERA EN ESTE ESTADO TAN TERRIBLE TODA SU VIDA, POR FAVOR SE DISCRETO Y ALEJA A TUS HERMANITOS O NI Ñ OS A TU ALREDEDOR YA QUE CONTIENE IMAGENES MUY FUERTES

Whatever the hell this email is about, whatever happened, it is extremely messed up. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A biker with a sense of humor.
Hey Orsm, I spotted this Biker heading toward Sacramento California. Either he is expecting trouble or his Old Lady fell off and is in the box. Hope you like it enough to use it. Cheers from sunny California, where Thursdays are the best day of the week. Bury the details, so to speak. Thanks!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: For posting....pls none of my info used
Here's a little tart stripper from North Carolina 12 years ago that needs to be publicly viewed by your readers.......enjoy! PS yes that IS the Atlantic Ocean off my balcony..........
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Intertractional
I saw this and had to get some pics of it. It's a 1948 tractor attached to a 1957 International pickup truck.  It has a V8 engine with a four speed transmission.  The transmission is still in the tractor (obviously). Just leave it in gear. It will do 50 mph. He used it for plowing snow, pulling stumps,  driving through the ditches and whatever else he could think of. The PTO (power take off) still works.  Just put the tractor portion in neutral. It was built in one drunken weekend in Isle Minnesota by two people.

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Terry wrote:
Subject: Spring in Georgia
Ahhhhhh, Spring in Georgia and love is in the air. So, you're taking a stroll out, and run into these two lovers. Well, I didn't want to take a walk anyway!
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John wrote:
Subject: A bad day !!!!!
By the way, it is not DEAD. I would really hate to be the one to try and rescue him. I am pretty sure this qualifies as one of the things that really pisses a badger off..

No way it's alive...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics found on 'new ' memory card
hey orsm, i bought a 'new' micro SD memroy card from the computer swap meet here in Melbourne. When i got home and inserted the memory card so i could format it, i found that it was already formatted with a digital camera and some choice pics are here for you to see... not sure if the girl is the 'owner' of the rack though...
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luis wrote:
Subject: Emailing
fotos

Excellent boobs. I enjoy them very much. -Orsm

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mike wrote:
Subject: Math puzzle - work diversion
Supposedly, engineers and designers typically solve the puzzle in less than three minutes. Naval architects take an average of an hour. Physical scientists require about three hours. Most others just give up on it. Okay, here's the puzzle. I'll give you five numbers. You figure out the sixth number. Ready?

1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _____?
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Feeling it was time for a shake-up, the board hired a new CEO. As his first task the new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks" pay, now GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Gino's."

HOLLY WELLIN
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way" The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this! Still in the CRATE!!"

RANDOM SHITE
A triumph of the opposite of mediocrity. Check it...

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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding..."

IMAGINE THE POSSI-BIN-ITIES
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Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one. "What is it?" "My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked. "Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot." "Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!" Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

ORSM VIDEO

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree At Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied."Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that 'crude bullshit'?"

ROBO KARMASUTRA
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Congratulation. You reach end now.

- Check out the site archives. They're not carbon neutral and proud of it.
- Next update will be next Thursday and I can't wait to go through it all again!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will come to your home demanding asylum. If you deny him asylum he'll hijack a plane and fly it into your house.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be good to your mother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.04.09-22.51
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm high on life.

Ah Easter. They tell me it's something to do with Jesus but all I know is he died so we could get a four day weekend... and chocolate. Not a moment too soon either. I've been hanging out for this like a pair of balls so as long as I get some quality relaxation time, the mighty West Coast Eagles win again and no one pisses me off I'll be all good until June [aka the annual road trip].

Was surfing through the latest iPhone apps the other day when I came across the new Skype application. Great idea. Now I can Skype on my mobile anywhere around the house which is handy. Then I got thinking how many ways we make ourselves contactable these days. Somewhat ridiculous really...

Obviously we start with land line, mobile, fax and email. From there it goes to Live/MSN Messenger, ICQ, Skype, SMS, webcam, mobile email, Facebook , Facebook for mobile, Twitter [for mobile] and MySpace to name but a few. If that wasn't enough we can do it all wired, wirelessly, by Bluetooth or 3G. Never ceases to amaze me how far this stuff has come but seriously don't we have anything better to do than communicate all day every day? Things like... umm... and... err...

I got my first PC [may it rest in pieces] late last century. Pretty much all I had at the time was email and life was just fine - jump on the computer and there were a couple of things to check whereas now you spend until lunchtime going from thing to thing to thing. Don't ask me how all this wank got so entwined in my life. I have no idea. It just did and apparently it's here to stay but I wonder what would happen if I just pulled the plug on all of it? Definitely be great for a while but Gen X-er that I am it wouldn't be too long before being out of the loop would be far worse than being in it...

Nix the landline means no high-speed internet means can't work and more importantly no porn. Ditch Facebook means I can't read status updates pertaining to the progression of [or in one particular instance, reduction of] an acquaintances ovarian cyst. Ditch the iPhone and no more iMafia [anyone else hopelessly addicted?]. Kill Skype then no contact with friends and fam overseas. No more chat programs means can't communicate for legitimate business purposes.  And so on. Definitely be a whole lot more time in the day -I may even get stuff done- but it would probably be a lonely one...

Of course this isn't going to end anytime soon. Hate to think what it'll be like another 10 years from now. I'm guessing all this stuff will creep into areas that it probably shouldn't... like cars and possibly the toilet. That would actually be kind of cool now I think of it - being able to do a live 3D hologram video chat with your besty while you squeeze out a poop.

Orright. Time to move on to bigger and better things... like the update. Naturally this is another fucking killer, crowd pleasing, awe-inspiring monster except I decided to ditch Reader Mail because a) it's Easter; b) I felt like it; & c) I can. What I'm trying to say is Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out..

SO Addictive - All I See Is Tits - Gorgeous Bod - Fucking Animals - Phat Asses - Bubble Bath - Shake That Bum!

Insane Zip Line - Losing It - Lightsabre Babes - Psycho EX - Get Involved - Bruno Hilarity - Brawlin'

Peel My Banana - Amy Nasty - Chicken Tetrazzini? - Whoa Creepy - Meet Rudy - Kinda Gay - Err Who's Racist?

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?" He says, "Okay. Get in the car with it.""Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she queried. He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" she said. He replied "Just hold its nose."
--
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in, she turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
--
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin..... ..... ..... and tonic." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
--
A Jamaican guy put a sign up in his yard "Boat For Sale". An English guy driving by sees the sign and pulls over. He says to the Jamaican "I can see a car and a trailer but no boat...?" The Jamaican says "Yeh man... and dem boat for sale..."

ORSM VIDEO

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

SERIOUSLY KYLEE REESE
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/5-kilogram weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kilo's as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10-kilo program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 kilograms as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-kilogram program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine!!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

WHO AM I?

I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women. I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.

My mother died at an early age from cancer. Later in life, questions arose over my real name. My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and did not follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them. That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a gold tongue and could talk to anyone and motivate them. That reinforced my conceit. I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organisation. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I was a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy, then on change. I was very critical of my country in the war and seized every opportunity to bash my country. But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy and the need for change. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks and corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate these institutions and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight. I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to people.

I was the surprise candidate. I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support. I knew that, if I merely offered the people "hope," together we could change our country.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities."

My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader. I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't as I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?

ADOLF HITLER (WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?)

CAPTURE THE MOMENT
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!"

WOULD YOU LIKE A FACIAL WITH THAT?
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters across the tape: "Get well soon... from the nurse in the red Ford Fiesta you pulled over last week."

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

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There was a man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch. Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.

Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's. The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."

Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?" The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."

So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it and the doctor went off on Maria's tit. He sucked the shit out of it! Had her moaning and everything!

A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor. The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back. I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."

Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

JACLYN CASE
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
Simply marv this week. Check it...

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An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewellery to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put it in my pocket." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked. "I don't know of deposit." "Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

I WANT A DIVORCE
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, sobs not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

ORSM VIDEO


Well dudes that's all I got. It's been an absolute fucking pleasure bringing it to you this week so hopefully you've enjoyed it. If not, kill yourself. I didn't like you anyway sorry.

One last thing - take it easy on the roads. There are so many retards out there it aint funny. Dont be one of them. It just isn't worth being dead... especially when you consider how many Orsm updates you'll miss...

- Check out the site archives. You want to go to them!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Be lovely if you would join us again.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fertilise your Easter eggs in the worst way imaginable...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems, have a Happy Easter and DRIVE SAFE. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.04.02-23.26
Oh yes...

Welcome to Orsm.net. Follow me on Orsm.

Sup April? What's with all the cold weather dude? I remember you used to be cool but you're taking it a little too literally. I remember when I didn't even think about pulling my jumper out of hibernation until May or even June. I can't have to sleep with the air-conditioner on anymore. I love my air-conditioner. I'm even thinking about turning the foot heater on. You've brought the chilly weather and I'm not amused. It's gay. Gayer than staring at another guys package and smiling whilst you imagine what you would do with it.

It isn't all bad though. The four-day Easter weekend is on the horizon which means consumption of alcohol and a wedding which funnily enough also means consumption of alcohol. It's been a couple of months since I've partaken in the pleasures of inebriation so bring it the fuck on.

Can't believe I'm going to admit this. Can't believe that I have performed such a huge back flip. What am I crapping on about you ask excitedly? Daylight saving is what. Saturday was the last day in a three year trial. For the first two summers I was dead against the damn thing. Did not suit me in the slightest. Absolutely hated there still being light at 9pm and somehow losing that hour of darkness made the day go too fast. Still can't figure that one out...

After the third summer however I seem to have adapted and changed my routine. It suits me now. I actually like it and found ways to make the most of evening light... right up until Sunday anyway. That was the first day back on standard time and I very quickly missed that extra hour of light.

Not that it will matter though. In May we have a referendum. Very simply - do you want DLS yes or no? Preliminary polls say it will be close but I'd be very surprised if it actually gets the nod. This side of the country is full of non-progressive people who are terrified of change, farmers whose cows don't own watches and retarded fitness freaks who get up at 5am to exercise and can't see muggers hiding in the shadows.

Suppose I can't really talk now that I'm a gigantic hypocrite but it would be nice to get instead of losing for a change. Retail trading that suits people who work long hours? No. New football stadium? No. Smoking in pubs and clubs? No. I should probably be grateful that there is talk of dramatically increasing speeding fines though... that's something!

Moving on... I mentioned last week that my poor dog was having a nasty side-effect to her medication. Particularly 'bladder control issues'. Tablets she is on make her extremely thirsty, she leaks, end result is wet floors. Seriously I've had some shitty, boring, dirty, repetitive jobs in my life but having to mop the entire house 2-3 times a day is right up there. Worst part is she'll be on these tablets for weeks, possibly months to come. Fuck my life.

Alright enough with the unrelentingly mundane blogging. Let's get on with yet another stellar update. Check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads no matter where you are! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Airport Mania - Fucking Idiot - Looks Sick - Booty Love - Funny Co-Host - Deep Dickin' - Close Call - Funny Is It?

Cancun Babes - Strip Tease - What A Cunt - Kelly Wow - Awesome 80's - Rocket Science - Star Wars Dub

Unbelievable Stupid - Prank Goes Bad - Vikki Blows - Slim Suit - Ketchup Trick - Jilted Hubby - Mario Cube - Hosed

A little boy with terminal cancer was sitting in his lounge room and his mum walks in. She says to him "Son, tomorrow is a very special day. If you pray really hard tonight, your cancer will be gone tomorrow". So the little boy runs upstairs and starts praying by his bedside. He prays all night until he finally falls asleep, his little hands still in the praying position. When he wakes up, his mother drives him to the doctor. The doctor does some tests, checks some results and says "Sorry sonny, you still have cancer and are going to die". The little boy looks up to his mum, tears welling in his eyes and says "But mum, you said if I prayed hard my cancer would be healed...?" His mum reaches down and ruffles the boys thinning hair and says: "I know son... APRIL FOOL!"
--
How do we know two wrongs don't make a right? Black couples don't have white children.
--
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
--
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

ORSM VIDEO

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

KYLEE REESE
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer had fallen on hard times and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunner's Mate Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee- slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!!"

IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT THE NIPPLES...
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READER MAIL
if you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

Evan wrote:
Subject: Wrong Information Given
As an avid reader of your site I thought that I would clarify some wrong information. On March 25th 2007 our local newspaper the Brandon Sun from Brandon, Manitoba Canada reported this truck incident that happened in Brandon. I am attaching the newspaper clip of it. Thank you for a great site.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Special...
Hi Orsm, how ya doing buddy?? You know times are really tough when the saving on a 'special' is 0c!!!! Cheers.

Bargain! Hope you stocked up. -Orsm

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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Tweety Bird is 60 years old this week!
Tweety Bird is 60 years old this week! It happens to all of us... Good Morning & Have A Nice Day!
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Naked In London
naked in London Air Lingus Promotion for free tickets. Please please hide my details

Seriously howcome stuff like this never happens when I'm around? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: proof that inbreading is bad
Hey just thought id share this pic . Inbreeding is BAD mmkay... If you post this up please hide my details thanks

The swamp called... want their donkeys back. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Gazza wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey mister ORSM, been looking over your site for awhile and have a couple of pics to share. This dude lives around the Grampians in Victoria and i offering up his misses as payment for electrical services rendered. Not sure if that is her trying to look sexy face or she really isn't that into being offered in this way. Whats your opinion? Keep up the good work and if anyone wants their email let me know and i will pass it on. Cheers
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cars
Hi, Great site yada yada yada..... Found these cars parked next to eachother. What are the odds...?
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: This is going to be a classic
Sign in Shafer Minnesota - Spreading the wealth around. For you city slickers, this is a manure spreader.
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Automotive repair in 1928!
How about the prices from this authentic card from a ways back.

What a difference 80 years makes... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Austin wrote:
Subject: Unlucky name
Which surname comes between Peall and Pearce in the telephone directory?
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: motorcycling...
Bike pics sent to me by one of my friends. Hide my details.

Mobile Fleshlight. Love it. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girlfriend pics
G'day Mr. Orsm. Here for your viewing pleasure is the missus and I doing what comes naturally. She's a keeper. No details please.

Absolutely fucking perfect penis... I mean GIRL sorry... absolutely perfect GIRL. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mooo- meat for sale - Lots of Lips and Assholes
Hey Orsm, Long time reader of your site - cannot wait for Thursdays!!! Keep my details private if you will! I took these photos in Johannesburg, you can see in the photos it was raining lightly, - I am sure these will end up on a plate somewhere, You will also notice the mode of transport is Stolen Shopping carts from the local supermarket! Viva Orsm VIVA!!!!!
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Gabe wrote:
Subject: Sardine Tin Hyundai Excel Car Accident
Hey Mr. ORSM, Thought you might find this car crash interesting. Sardine Tin Excel. Happened across the road from my place early on a Saturday Morning. The barrier is there because several cars have gone off the road at the exact same place. They might want to rethink that barrier now. Both Passengers were unharmed amazingly. I like the fact the roof of the car is still on the end of the barrier. Cheers
click for gallery
Warren wrote:
Subject: My ex girlfriend
I have an ex who i was with for at least 6 months. I have since broken up with her and she's after me like a sick puppy. She claims she is in love with me but i know she is mistaken. She thinks the reason i left is because of what her sister told me about her but in reality she was having an affair behind my back. As such i would like you to feature her pics on your glorious site. I also have two letters she wrote me for i don't know what reason. She's a psycho!
click for gallery
David B wrote:
Subject: this is why you make your facebook private
Sisters from Geraldton, Skye and Jade Johnston. Theyve slept with half the town and the younger one (leg tattoo) is up the duff at 19. Theyre both out every weekend high on E, what a great future for the baby. Thought your readers might appreciate the WARNING and their private pole dancing photo shoot. dont care if my details are shown.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: castle hill townsville
hi orsm, great site, i went to castle hill in townsville recently and was taking some pics off the view when we saw this. i thought it was funny, anyway keep my info hidden plz and keep up the good work.

Looks to be assuming 'the position'... -Orsm

click for gallery

sean dotcom wrote:
Subject: skimming device
Attention ATM Users - skimming device pictures

Scary how professionally they do it. -Orsm

click to watch video
Paul wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey mate. A friend of mine just bought a new camera. He's a novice but I reckon this time lapse vid he made is quite awesome! It has no boobs but it's very relaxing! I've been checking your site 6am every Friday for the past 3 years!!! And hitting your sponsors too!
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: wild cassowary
I was in the Daintree rainforest up in QLD last week, first time in Australia and happened across a wild Cassowary. I guess these birds can easily eviscerate you with a claw on their foot and hold the auspicious title of deadliest bird in the world. This one was easily over 2 meters fully upright and my girl got a little nervous when I went chasing after it. Great country! Can't wait to visit again!

Meep meep... -Orsm

click to watch video
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Pics
Hey Orsm thought I'd upload some more pics. Great too see you posted my last lot. This is of an Ex she was a bit messed in the head but as you can see good body and a bit dirty. To add too the pics thought I'd send thru a vid also.Please hide all of my details.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U. S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time'". The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader, "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?" "What!?!" replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor...?"

RIO CARNAVAL
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An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese." The first officer replies, "You no rike Chinese? Why dat?" "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, "No rike Jews." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All arike."

RANDOM SHITE
Words cannot come close to describing the awesomenss of today's shite. Check it NOW...

click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare...?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

REBECCA ROCKS OUT WITH HER FLANGE OUT
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A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."

The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

ORSM VIDEO

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that?  I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating." 

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

WONDERFUL ST PETERSBURG
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Well... all that and now this:

- Check out the site archives. They're hotter than cleavage.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I find something better to do...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell the Bikey's you called them 'weak as piss'.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to think about my balls too much. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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