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April 2014...
orsmupdate 2014+04+24=2042
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Blogging for cabbage scented farts.

I've gone light on the spiel today. Don't worry - have instead compensated with a whole bunch of short jokes so whilst you're deprived of what some fucktard with a website you've never met has been up to, at least there's some humour to help pull you out of the impending sadness spiral. Serotonin right? Anyway this is for a multitude of reasons that I won't bother going into; particularly because the purpose would thereby be defeated. Just know that the love hasn't gone, I am alive and my must-read-because-he-really-makes-you-think insights will return like usual next Thursday [probably]. Check it...

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said "Why don't you just put it in 'park'?"
--
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "Excuse me sir, did you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your flies?" "Yeah... it's driving me nuts"
--
Why can't Ray Stevie Wonder read? Because he is black.
--
A police officer in a New York stopped a motorist who was speeding down a Main Street. "But officer" the man began "I can explain". "Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back". "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back". "Don't count on it" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
--
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down".
--
"A guy is walking past a bus stop, and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" 'Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!!" "Oh" he replies "it must be your feet then!"
--
A blonde goes into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims "I don't have any money... but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!" To that the man asks "Anything...?" and the blonde confirms "Yes... anything!!" With that the man says "Follow me". He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door". She does. He then instructs her to "Get on your knees". She does. He then says take down my zipper!" She does. He then says "Go ahead... take it out". With that, she takes it out the dick and holds it with both hands!! The man then says "Well... go on..." She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips says "HELLO, MUM?"
--
"A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on his first time on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field at night. Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

30 STEWARDESSES WHO GO THAT EXTRA MILE [HIGH]

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Giant Jenga - LOL-arious - Legendary - D_MB C_NT - Infected - Rough Sex - Sexy Selfie - Bad Crash - Rock Bottom

What A Bod - Perfecto - Monster - Fuck Her! - Unexpected - Cos-Babes - Politico - Burka Slut - Ghetto Lulz - U Lost?

LOVE Her - Was Desperate - Whacked - Fingering Hard - Hellooo Nips - Sideboob - Drunk Shag - Devolution - Oh FFS!

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
--
Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
--
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
--
A Scotsman was in a pub and he got very drunk. So he stumbled outside and passed out on the grass. Two women walk past him one leans over to her friends and whispers "I wonder what is under an Irish man's kilt". So they tip toe over and lift his kilt and sure enough he was wearing nothing else underneath. Filled with giggles, one whispered "How should we tell him we saw this beauty?" In reply the other girl pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it under his kilt. They leave and a few hours later he wakes up and has to go, so he lifts his kilt and spots the blue ribbon and he says "I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing but at least you won first prize!"An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old" he says. "90?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh, sorry" says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

ORSM VIDEO


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THE BEST AND WORST SPEEDING EXCUSES

Part I can be found by navigating into the archives OR clicking here.

-I got pulled over in a small town in east Texas several years ago. When he asked for my license, I pulled my money clip out, which had my license in it as well as several twenties and fifties that he could see. I made the comment that I bet $50 that he was going to give me a ticket. He just smiled and said "You just lost. Where is my $50?" I was glad to give it to him".

-"I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal"...

-A few years ago when I was young and dumb, I had just gotten off from work and was speeding home - about 55 mph in a 30mph construction zone. I was pulled over and after the officer told me how fast I was going I told him that I had just put some new rear-end gears in my truck and my speedometer wasn't working right. All he said was to take it easy going home and get it fixed. No ticket.

-I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonalds before the breakfast menu ended.

-When I was in college, I had "stayed over" my date's house too late and was zipping home in the wee hours of the morning. A police officer pulled me over citing that I was driving over 85mph. I told him that I was sorry, but I was very tired from being up studying all night and was trying to get home to bed. Besides, my old Toyota couldn't possibly go 85 mph because the speedometer only goes up to 75! The officer put his head through the window to verify what I said and confirmed it. He let me go, saying: 'Get some sleep!'"

-I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra oil out.

-I was going 85 mph in a 55-zone on I-40. I had just gotten my license a couple of weeks before. I still had my driver's manual in the glove box. By the time the officer had pulled me over, I had grabbed it, looked up 'DMV officers' and noticed they mostly deal with 18-wheelers. I gave him my driver's license and registration and asked if I could show him something. I showed him the manual and asked "Where's my other 14 wheels?" He laughed, told me to slow down and let me off with a verbal warning.

-I was told by a lady her accelerator was broken and it always went that fast no matter

-We had been trying to get pregnant for a while and were seeing a specialist. En route there I was taking a little-used side road that was 25mph. The cop clocked us at 94 in a 25. We were only about 3 minutes from the doctor's office at the hospital. When we explained we only had a few minutes to get this 'sample' to the office, not only did he let us go, but he even waved us through the red light.

-Pulled over a Corvette doing 100 in 55zone. Late at night on highway no traffic... I told the driver "You were flying, unless you have a pilot's license, you are going to jail". He actuallyhanded me a pilot license... yep I let him go.

-Apparently insulting an officer isn't an effective tool for getting out of a traffic stop. When the officer asks why you were going so fast, don't reply: "Tim Horton's has half-price donuts down the road and I was clearing the way for you".

-I stopped a lady who was crying when I walked up. I asked what the problem was. She said she had gone shopping for the first time after having a baby and nothing fit right. I handed her her license back and slowly backed away. Nothing good was coming from this!

-From an 80-year-old woman I stopped: "I'm speeding because I don't want to forget where I am going".

-"I was just keeping the 2 second buffer time between me and the car behind me". "There was no one behind you..." "Good job, huh?"

-I had a lady tell me that she was rushing home to meet her husband because she had 20 minutes to get pregnant. They were using one of those kits that told you when the right day and time of day, would be best.

-"The box says "If you have an erection over 4 hours, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!'"

-"I wasn't speeding, I was qualifying".

-A 17-year-old was going 23 over. When I asked him why he was going so fast, he looked me dead in the eye and said "Because I'm just all kinds of stupid".

-I got tagged for doing 54 in a 45 years back. The officer laughed when he told me and I said that my dyslexia was acting up again.

-A traffic enforcement officer stopped a woman driving 60mph in a 45mph zone. When he asked why she sped, the driver replied "My colon has fallen in my vaginal canal". The officer wrote her a ticket anyway. He figured she could bring medical proof to court if she wanted to contest the ticket. She paid it without a hearing.

-"My car is a 2010 Corolla, and Toyota just released a recall for acceleration. It's all over the news!" He still got the ticket.

-"The reason I was going so fast is because I couldn't see the speedometer" the driver said. Evans peered inside the car and the speedometer appeared fine. The driver explained. "Sir, I had my head so far up my butt there's no way I could possibly see how fast I was going" the driver said. After a few short laughs and a warning citation, he was on his way.

-"I was low on gas so I wanted to make sure I had enough speed to coast home".

-An officer stopped a speeding driver whose excuse was there was a rat loose in the car. Apparently, the driver bought mice to feed his snake and placed the mice inside a cardboard box. The mice chewed through the box and escaped in the car.

-"I didn't want to get caught driving unaccompanied with my learner permit".

-A Highway Patrol Trooper clocked a man driving more than 100mph one cold morning. "Why are you going that fast?" He replied he was trying to get his window to defog because he couldn't see.

-A Traffic Officer stopped a speeding driver and asked about the reason for traveling so fast. "My colonoscopy bag is leaking" the driver replied. "Prove it" Huey said. When the driver did so the officer simply told the driver "Have a nice night".

'ATTA GIRL! EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE HOPING FOR...!!

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Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women - he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

Vladimir says "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito replies "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret... just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public". Vladimir: "Okay. Its a deal!"

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around". Vladimir asks "That's it? I can do that".

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.

"Its working, he thought". But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?" Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"

ORSM VIDEO


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BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS

"You get this one, next round is on me".
TRANSLATION: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you".
TRANSLATION: Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
TRANSLATION: I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel".
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel".
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?"
TRANSLATION: [male to female] I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?"
TRANSLATION: [female to male] If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home".
TRANSLATION: [female] You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home".
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm horny.

"Who's got the next round?"
TRANSLATION: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"What do you have on tap?"
TRANSLATION: What's cheap?

"Can I have a white Russian?"
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm really gay.

"Can I have a white Russian?"
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm really easy.

"That person looks really familiar".
TRANSLATION: Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?"
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?"
TRANSLATION: [male] I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.

"I don't have my ID on me".
TRANSLATION: [female] I'm underage.

"I don't have my ID on me".
TRANSLATION: [male] I don't have a license because I got busted driving over the limit after my last visit here.

"'Scuse me, mate".
TRANSLATION: [male to male] Get the fuck out of the way, dickhead.

"Excuse me".
TRANSLATION: [male to female] I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me".
TRANSLATION: [female to male] Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of my way.

"Excuse me".
TRANSLATION: [female to female] Move your fat arse. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, b*tch, like the sl*t you are.

I GOTTA HAVE MORE TAN LINE!

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ORSM VIDEO

One day while at his best friend, Jim's house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag.

"Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?" said Norris.

Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says "Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned - do NOT go down on her. Understand?"

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was overcome with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her but he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself.

After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV. An hour or so later, Norris said "Jim? Can I shag her again please?" To which Jim replied "Okat, but remember, DO NOT go down on her!!!"

Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jim's wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her... he couldn't help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

"What's wrong Norris?" "I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help myself."..

"You went down on her didn't you Norris!!" said Jim looking horrified. "I got a mouth full of rice!!" said Norris disgusted! "That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!"

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses".
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall".
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre".
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames".

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies "Property!? ... the asshole had a paper round!"

A LIFETIME OF TRAINING HAS DEFINITELY PAID OFF

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Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender… it's not like you to be so down in the mouth".

"It's my five year old son…" the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for biting in school? My lad's just the same - forget about it - it happens to boys that age" said the bartender sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that" continued the customer" but it's far worse than that.

The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant".

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"It's not" said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms!"

RANDOM SHITE

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom". He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door".

The jury foreman replied "Yes, we did look... but your client didn't".

THINGS JUST GOT LEZ-TASTIC. HERE'S HOW...

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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa- versa".

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this - If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500".

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He logs on to the planes Wi-Fi and searches the Google, Wikipedia - the lot. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

ORSM VIDEO


And with that we, or rather I, are done. Update over. Weekend begins. The crowd goes wild. Just as soon as you read this last bit anyway...

-Check out the site archives. You don't know what you're missing until you see them with your own eyes.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Or will it...?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spread some mean and potentially quite hurtful rumours about you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remind me to tell you later. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.04.17-16.55
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Is there anything bacon CAN'T do?

People who, when a call drops out and you call them back, feel the need to have a whole discussion about who dropped out, why it dropped out, how many drop outs they've been having lately, what network they're with and so on, annoy me. Just call back, carry on as if it didn't happen and let me get the fuck off the phone!

Now that's out of the way let's get rolling with a whole bunch of words about me and my life. Beginning with...

Speeding fines. The last time I copped one was about 2 years ago on the freeway in the GFs car. It's a Hyundai so in some ways kind of impressive it even had the jimmies to get up to, let alone over, the speed limit. The point of this story however is tempting fate. With junior about to poke his or her head out in a few months we're doing the practical/responsible/lame thing and changing to something more SUV. Unfortunately that means MY baby, my pride and joy, my first love, will soon be looking for a new home. I'd had a conversation recently that if I can hang on and avoid a speeding fine it will end a more than 7 year streak of driving it like a complete dickhead all without receiving a single infringement. The closest I came was very late one night a few years ago... a cop pulled me over doing I think 170kmh+ and incredibly let me off because he didn't actually clock me before I slowed down. Sadly though, the streak ended March 28. Don't remember seeing the camera but do remember aggressively overtaking a fucktard going well under the speed limit in the fast lane. Whether or not it was worth the $150 remains to be seen however at the very least it was nice to get an action photo of my car in the post.

My good deed gone bad for the week happened last Friday doing the groceries. As I came into an aisle I was stopped by 2 little old ladies. Their eyes lit up when they saw me for I am tall. "Will you reach for us 2 jars of coffee on the top shelf please? The ones on sale..." I grab the jars and jokingly say "That'll be $5 each ladies!" What happened next? No shit her lip quivered and she said "I'm sorry we don't have a lot of money". Way to feel/act like a cunt. Couldn't apologise or get out of there fast enough. The lesson? Don't ever help people.

Saturday began like almost every other - wake up after sleeping. First stop was the chiropractor. Different guy than usual which meant different technique. Great at the time, not so great the next day. Next was to the houses to begin a half day of labouring in quite warm weather. First up was the usual cutting and knocking holes in walls followed by digging and painting on a water sealer. Just about as messy a job as it gets but thankfully now out of the way. Spent the next couple of hours hanging around at home with friends and waiting for our roommates to depart for the airport before chaining self to the computer and working on this update.

Exercise is one thing that has sadly been missing from my life in recent months but now that everything has chilled they fuck out a tiny bit, the chance to squeeze in a coast walk was seized upon. Next it was home to shower and then off to a local swap meet. Really want to say it was a waste of time but I fucking love that shit because there are few more rewarding things than haggling with people over a dollar or two. T'was into the city afterward to pump some dim sum with friends. Haven't been for ages so the disappointment to find our favourite place closed for renovations was palpable. We begrudgingly trudged down to the old favourite place and tried to put the hurt behind us.

After a couple more stops we were home early afternoon where I set about a bunch of handyman tasks. The first was to fix a plastic shroud in my car, then replace the kitchen sink waste thingy followed by opening a bedroom door which was locked from the inside. The only strange yet overwhelmingly awesome part about these tasks was the fact they all went completely to plan. How many times does handymanning require multiple hardware store visits or end up as "will try again later" or get a professional to do it or whatever. Nope. All successfully completed in minimum time with minimum fuss. This means either 1) the universe has stopped spiting me temporarily or 2) my skills have reached an unprecedented level. The only problem with this is expectation because as all guys know, any girl you may happen to live with absolutely takes it all for granted. Anything that they may have broken or locked or disabled, magically fixes itself without any bother to them whatsoever.

And with that kiddies it is time to get on with the rest of the update. Far be it for me to unnecessarily pump anything up but this update is far, far beyond anything that would be considered exceptional. It's so good that you may lose yourself in a sort of hysteria and enter a place you won't want to come back from. So check it...

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Agree! Agree! - Incredible F1 - Mini Masters - Mr Darwin - Cute Robot - Bad Predator - Fit Babes - Bit Nipply? - Bipolar

In Deep - Hawt Hipster - Revenge - Badass - I Call Fake - Nudist - Drunk Fuck - Orgas-umm? - Pissed GF - Racist BJ

Filthy Slut - Fuck Toy - Hotness - Much Toe - Keep Fuckin' - Anorexic - Phenomenal - Weird Jap - Bad Idea - Beer Me!

Little Jeremy was blind. One evening, his mummy put him on her knee and said "Jeremy, I have a very special surprise for you. Tonight, if you pray very hard, when you wake up, you'll be able to see". In great excitement, Jeremy stumbled upstairs, threw himself down next to his bed, and prayed his little heart out. "Please God, please, please, please give me sight. I'll be a good boy all the time, and I'll never use my eyes to look at naughty things or anything". The next morning, his mother is awakened by howls from Jeremy's room. She rushes into him. "What's wrong, son?" "I still can't see!" he wails. "Ha ha!" laughs his mum. "April fools!"
--
I was completely shocked this morning when my doctor told me I was colour blind. It came completely out of the green.
--
Thought I would surprise the post women this morning so I sneaked up to the front door and put my cock through the letterbox... don't know what surprised her the most, my cock or the fact I knew where she lived.
--
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".
--
Today's generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy "Dude, I found a condom in the balcony". Four year old boy "What's a balcony?"

ORSM VIDEO


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ALL YOU NEVER KNEW YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DISNEY

-Walt's final words -written rather than spoken- were, rather cryptically 'Kurt Russell'. No one, including the actor himself, has any idea why.
-Walt Disney bought the 43 square miles of Central Florida swampland for Disney World for $5 million, or about $185 an acre.
-No gum is sold on property at Walt Disney World Resort.
-Contrary to rumours, Disney's daughter has assured the press he wasn't cryogenically frozen.
-Walt Disney died of complications of lung cancer on Dec. 15, 1966, before the first shovel of dirt was moved on construction of Disney World.
-Aged 16, Walt signed up for the army, but was rejected because he was too young. Instead he became an ambulance driver in World War I France.
-In 1971, when Walt Disney World opened, there were only about 5,600 rooms in the Central Florida area. By 1975, that number was well north of 22,000. Today, there are 22,449 rooms on property at Walt Disney World.
-'Man is in the forest' was a code used by animators to warn colleagues to get back to work when Walt Disney was coming down the hallway.
-Disney World has closed three times, all in anticipation of hurricanes: Sept. 15, 1999, for Floyd; Sept. 4-5, 2004, for Frances; and Sept. 26 of that same year for Jeanne.
-There are over 50 themed swimming pools among the various Disney Resort Hotels.
-The Matterhorn rollercoaster at Disneyland has a secret basketball court inside it for Disneyland staff to use.
-It took less than 30 minutes to evacuate thousands of guests from the theme parks on Sept. 11, 2001.
-Steve Martin used to work in the magic shop at Disneyland.
-After the Sept. 11 attacks, the Federal Aviation Administration put a flight restriction over the Disney World resort. It extends out in a three-mile radius from Cinderella's Castle and up to 3,000 feet.
-Walt Disney World Resort is the largest consumer of fireworks in the United States purchasing over one million fireworks a year for their more than 1,000 firework displays per year.
-The theme parks use a patented 'Smellitzer' device designed to pump certain scents around. Whether it's a waft of sea salt in Pirates of the Caribbean, or vanilla in Main Street, your senses are constantly being played.
-Over 600 million guests have visited the most magical place on Earth since it opened in 1971.
-An estimated 1.65 million pairs of eyeglasses have made their way to Disney World's lost-and-found bins since 1971. Every year, the park finds an average of 6,000 cell phones, 3,500 digital cameras and 18,000 hats. The weirdest things ever found... a glass eye, a prosthetic leg and a potty trainer - all of which were claimed.
-It's rumoured that Walt Disney had a phobia of mice. While this is hard to prove, it is a fact that his big-eared creation was named 'Mortimer', until his wife persuaded him that 'Mickey' had a better ring to it...
-The Disney Transport bus fleet consists of nearly 300 busses traveling along over 100 routes. In total, the entire fleets drives 15 million miles each year.
-Apparently, if you send Mickey and Minnie Mouse an invitation to your wedding they'll send you back an autographed photo and a 'Just Married' badge. If you send Cinderella and Prince Charming an invitation, you'll get an autographed congratulatory certificate.
-A married couple from Boynton Beach, Fla., Alex and Donna Voutsinas, realised years later that they were coincidentally photographed together at Disney as children.
-Walt Disney's attention to detail was legendary. He placed the bins at Disney World 25 steps away from the hot dog stall, as this was how long it took him to eat a hot dog. You will never be more than 30 steps away from a trash can in any Disney theme park.
-The Walt Disney World resort is about the size of San Francisco, and only about 35 percent of its more than 27,000 acres has been developed.
-Each year, several families ask to scatter a loved one's ashes into the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. The answer is always no, but a family has been caught in the act before.
-There are no exact ninety degree angles on Main Street, USA in Magic Kingdom Park.
-Mickey has more than 290 outfits, from a scuba suit to a lighted tuxedo. Minnie? She has more than 200, from cheerleading attire to evening gowns.
-Like air stewardesses, Disney Princesses have to fit a certain body type to work at the parks. While princesses are between 5'4" and 5'7", Tinkerbell, Alice and Wendy must be more petite - between 4'11" to 5'2". Oh, and you need to be a real spring chicken: 27 is considered over the hill.
-There is a tree farm on site so that when a mature tree needs to be replaced, a thirty-year-old tree will be available to replace it.
-Stretched end-to-end, the hats with Mickey ears sold at Disney World would span about 175 miles.
-Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was make-or-break for Disney, costing his studios $1.4m to make. It was widely derided as Disney's Ruin, by people subsequently proved non-psychic. Adjusted for inflation, it's one of the ten highest-grossing films of all time.
-Cinderella's Castle is made out of fiberglass, and it stands 189 feet tall.
-Across Walt Disney World, over 20,000 different colours of paint are used.
-Disney World's biggest theme park, Animal Kingdom, encompasses 403 acres.
-Between the four major theme parks, there are 37,811 parking spaces available.
-The latest creatures at the Animal Kingdom are the blue people of "Avatar". A new section, with interactive 3-D rides, is planned to open between 2015 and 2016 at a cost of about $400 million.
-Cinderella Castle is constructed of fiberglass not stone.
-The Animal Kingdom features more than 3,000 species in its 4 million trees and plants.
-If the entire Jungle Cruise River was emptied, it would take 14 to 24 hours to refill it all. Similarly, the river's water is dyed a light shade of green to hide the shallowness of the water.
-Inside the upper levels of Cinderella's Castle is an apartment that Walt Disney intended to use when he and his family were in Florida. It was left unfinished when he died, until Disney announced in 2006 that it would be turned into a deluxe suite, which is awarded randomly to a family every day. It comes complete with 24-karat gold tile floors and a 'magic mirror' that turns into a television.
-Roughly 50 million people a year ride the Walt Disney World Monorail (including the Express and Resort monorail beams in addition to the Epcot beam) making it the most heavily travelled monorail in the western hemisphere.
-The Land ride at Epcot isn't just for entertainment. More than 30 tons of fruit and vegetables are grown there every year for Disney restaurants.
-The oldest attraction in Magic Kingdom Park is the Prince Charming Regal Carousel, which was built in 1917.
-If you were to stay in a different room every night at the Disney World resorts, to sleep in them all would take you 68 years.
-It took Disney ten years to develop and two years to actually construct Space Mountain.
-What does Epcot mean? Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow.

-Epcot was originally planned to be a futuristic city with 20,000 residents.
-75 acres of lawn and landscaping can be found at Epcot.
-Disney World employs more than 62,000 as part of its "cast" making Walt Disney World the largest single-site employer in the United States.
-If all of the water cannons were initiated at the Fountain of Nations, it would blast out 2,000 gallons of water.
-Test Track must operate for about 20 hours a day due to long start-up and shut-off times.
-Disney invited engineers from MIT to aid in the design of Spaceship Earth.
-23 countries brought water from their homeland to contribute to the Fountain of Nations.
-When Disney originally began designing Disney's Hollywood Studios, it was originally to be a half-day park.
-Disney's infrastructure has more than 270 buses, making it the third-largest bus system in the state, behind Jacksonville and Miami.
-Rock 'n' Roller Coaster shoots guests from 0 to 60 MPH in 2.8 seconds.
-The newest roller coaster at any of the Disney World parks, Expedition Everest at the Animal Kingdom (aka the Yeti ride) is the tallest of any of the parks' at just a shade under 200 feet. Space Mountain at 180 feet is puny by comparison.
-The audio-animatronic Mr. Potato Head went through several days of guest testing at Disney California Adventure Park prior to ride opening to ensure that he had a line for anything guests said.
-Ever notice the water tower wearing the giant Mickey ears at Disney's Hollywood Studios? If you made actual Mickey ears for it, the "Earffel Tower" would wear a size 342¾.
-It would take six hours of continuous riding to see all 50 ride combinations for Star Tours: The Adventures Continue.
-If you look closely at the mosaic mural on the fourth-floor lobby of Disney's Contemporary Resort, you can see a five-legged goat facing the monorail track.
-At 403, acres Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park is the largest Disney theme park in the world. The other three Walt Disney World theme parks could all fit comfortably inside Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park.
-Disney World decorates more than 1,500 Christmas trees at holiday time.
-All of the bathrooms in Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park have doors (unlike the other parks) with bolts making it possible, in the event of a dangerous animal escaping, to cram everyone into the bathrooms.
-There are more than 81 holes of golf on five courses on the property.
-All of the straws at Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park are made out of a special (semi-edible) paper that would not choke the animals if ingested.
-If you dress up folks in all the shirts sold at Disney World in one year, you'd have enough for every resident of the state of Montana (pop. 974,989.)
-8,692 branches are on the Tree of Life. The Tree is actually constructed off the base of an oil rig from the Gulf of Mexico.
-When Disney World opened, adult admission to the Magic Kingdom cost $3.50. Today it costs $85.
-The tallest in-park attraction is Expedition Everest at 200 feet tall.
-Before it became strictly a theme park, Disney's Hollywood Studios (originally called Disney-MGM studios before a legal falling out) was designed to be a working studio.
-About 60% of the trees at Disney's Animal Kingdom Theme Park come from other areas around Walt Disney World property, while the others were either grown from scratch using accelerators or imported from other areas of the world.
-Television shows were filmed at Disney's Hollywood Studios, too. "The Mickey Mouse Club" featured soon-to-be stars Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling and Christina Aguilera. No shows are filmed there today.
-Of the 27 Disney Resort Hotels on property, eight are Disney Vacation Club resorts meaning they consist solely of timeshares.
-Disney World flew its flags at half-staff on the day Apple co-founder Steve Jobs died. Jobs was Disney's largest single shareholder (7 percent), and he was on the board of directors.

PROOF WE PROBABLY DO need TO LET SOME of these BOAT PEOPLE IN...

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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?"

"No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't".

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules".

The man asked "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20".

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

 "I'd like her" he said.  "I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

ORSM VIDEO


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Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore?" she sobbed. "Why!?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways".

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers' side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke...

"Fuck, I'm drunk"...

this image gallery contains only hot naked girls - view at own risk

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ORSM VIDEO

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can... but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse".

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life; she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree". Horrified she said "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly".

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said "you must put it here". Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony with tears flowing down her cheeks.

Eventually managed to gasp for air "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees".

don't judge... or do... but girls peeing are awesome!

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A lawyer is driving in the middle of nowhere and his car breaks down. After waiting a while, a farmer walks over to the car. Discovering what the problem is, the farmer offers his home to the lawyer to stay for the night. 

Later that night, the lawyer is in bed when the farmer's wife comes in his room. She wants to have sex with him. The lawyer says "No, your husband will wake up and catch us". 

The wife replies "My husband is a heavy sleeper. He won't wake up, I promise". To prove it, she takes the lawyer into her room where her husband is naked, and tells the lawyer to pull one of the hairs on his ass. The lawyer does it and the farmer doesn't wake up. 

The wife and the lawyer go back to the room and have sex. About 2 hours later, the wife comes back and wants more. The lawyer says once again "You're husband will wake up and catch us". 

The wife says "I already told you, he's a heavy sleeper". She takes him in her room again. The lawyer pulls another hair on the farmer's ass and still the farmer does not wake up. So they go have sex again. 

It's almost sunrise and the wife comes back again and wants to do it one more time before her husband wakes up. The lawyer says "It's almost sunrise, he's about to wake up". 

The wife says "Let me show you one more time that my husband is a heavy sleeper". So they go back to her room and the lawyer pulls a hair on the farmer's ass. 

Just then, the farmer turns around, looks at him and says: "You can fuck my wife as many times as you want, but don't use my ass as a scoreboard!"

RANDOM SHITE

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Louie comes home from school on a Friday and is excited about the weekend and is looking for his parents to ask to ride his bike. He bursts into his parent's bedroom and sees them in a comprising position. Astonished he asks "What are you doing dad?" And the father replies "Well I'm playing poker, son". The son asks "Well what is mum doing....?" and the father replies "Well she's my wildcard!"

So on the next day (Saturday) he goes to his grandparent's house to mow the lawn. When he is finished he goes inside to get paid and walks in on his grandparents having sex. He asks "What are you doing grandpa?" and the grandfather says "Playing poker, sonny". Louie replies "What's grandma doing?" Gramps says "Well she's my wildcard!"

So on Sunday the family decides to go for a drive to get ice cream. When the father looks for his son he finds him in the bathroom jerking off and asks "Son what the hell are you doing?" The son then says "Well I'm playing poker". The father asks "Well where's your wild card?" Son replies "Who the hell needs a wild card when I got a hand like this!!?"

for the love of the peen...

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey" she signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time".

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time". "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times..."

ORSM VIDEO


Alright boys and girls that about does it for the Easter update. Go enjoy a fuckload of chocolate and, if you're smart, stay the fuck away from your family.

-Check out the site archives. Its your only move.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Its bigger than something really, really big so don't miss it otherwise you'll never forgive yourself.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will replace your chocolate eggs with punches in your stupid face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Bintang me! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.04.10-19.29
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.potato.

Interesting week, at least for me. Not really sure about you guys so won't blog about that. Shit has moved into an overdrive, overdrive. My work week is more of a 7 day and 4 night proposition at the moment and there is not a single thing I can do about it - too many things to too many people, too many commitments, too many things coming to fruition, too much not enough other contribution by others. Honestly it's a miracle that this update made it out on time. Can only put it down to some good planning and the ability to sit at the computer for up to 18 hours a day.

Last Friday is where it all began to go batshit. Almost made it out the door to do some long, loooong overdue exercise when the phone rang and it was go time. First stop was the house followed by an hour drive due north to a timber mill. These guys cut and machine all their own stuff so it costs way less than what you'd pay anywhere local. Ideal for achieving a 'bespoke' look without blowing the budget plus as an ex-carpenter it was cool to see where it all comes from and how they do it.

Next was half hour inland to the salvage yard I found a few weeks ago. Found what we wanted, formulated a plan for "later" and headed homeward. My next trick was to find lights. You know lights? Sometimes referred to as light fittings or lighting and are those things that go in the ceiling and provide... light. Well turns out there are kabillions of different options and no matter how many hours you've spent over the last 18 months researching everywhere from eBay to Alibaba to all the shitty stores around town, you are never any closer to getting what you want. WHY? Because anything that looks decent [ie. isn't fucking ugly] costs a fortune and anything that doesn't cost a fortune probably isn't approved or use in Australia meaning no electrician will install them. This in mind, you can imagine my joy at finding a wholesaler prepared to sell to us located less than 5 minutes away. Always the last place you look...

What was left of Friday went into this update and the next couple after it.

Saturday morning. Load the car with tools, head straight over to the house, then walk to the nearby polling place only to find a few-hundred-person-long line waiting to vote. Oh look there's one of our neighbours... stop, say hello, then decide to go do exercise in the hope it would reduce. And that it did - half an hour later the line was completely gone and the only people around were a few people handing out how to vote Labor cards, a few people handing out how to vote Liberal cards and a few fuckwits handing out how to vote Green cards.

Get back to the house ready to work aaaand here comes some neighbours we've never spoken to before who corner and smalltalk the bejesus out of us. Finally make an excuse to leave, go get a coffee and return. Aaaand here comes another neighbourino. This conversation, whilst admittedly more stimulating, left about 10 minutes of actual work time ahead of getting back on the road and to a friends daughters first birthday party. Most of the time these are must attend events because of the relationship with the parents. The fact the birthday girl or boy doesn't make an appearance due to being asleep doesn't seem to bother anyone. So why go? Because party food you feel to guilty to eat any other time is why. Nom.

Made it back to the house early afternoon aaaaand here comes one of the neighbours I spoke to earlier. Surely this has to be a joke. Its half an hour later, we get done talking and I need to get some of my tools... tools that are -of course- stashed in another neighbours back shed. "Hi mate" "Hi... hey while you're here...". Barely managed to get an hour of anything done before it all got too hard so home it was, showered and parked it in front of the compooter for a couple ahead of the footy. Managed to score a friends tickets for whatever reason so invited a mate along. Even though it was a pretty average game full of fucking terrible umpiring, we won and at very least it was good to go along and hang out. A particularly eye opening experience happened in the gents though - some guy taking a piss at the urinal, finishes, shakes off, reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone, drops a $1 coin which falls to and rolls along possibly the dirtiest floor in the city, its stopped, picked up by a kid and returned to the guy who puts it back in his pocket. Believe me when I say that even if that was a $100 coin there's no way it would be going back in my pocket. Moral of the story: where has your money been?

I was incredibly motivated to get the fuck out of the bed Sunday following a pregnancy fuelled hormonal breakdown. Made a beeline for the house and began a sweaty 6 hour intensive clean-up of the site and inside both houses. By the end everything was finally starting to look presentable... just in time for the ceiling fixers to trash it the next day. The good news is that lock-up is imminent and there's still a glimmer of hope we might actually be in before the baby pops out. Let's not hold our breaths though because its more likely you'll die...

Just when the week had a chance of being some form of holy-fucking-shit-please-leave-me-alone, the phone started ringing bright and early. Need me to drop what I'm doing and meet the cabinetmaker to discuss drawings? I'm on it! 90 minutes later... need me to take your car, go hire a long trailer, drive out to the salvage yard again, select a steel beam, walk around for 2 hours trying to find someone to operate the crane, transport it back through peak hour traffic to the steel guy who had gone home for the day, return the trailer, meet to swap cars, and don't get back to work until 6pm? I'm on it...!! And that is how things've gone all week and probably will for the foreseeable future. Keep telling myself "It will all be worth it". It would want to be.

Alright let's move on to bigger and better things than 11 paragraphs of first world problems from some cunty fuck you don't know, don't care about and whose ranting has caused you to have to scroll an excessive amount to access the free porn and entertainment. FYI the word "ceiling" was used 3 times and "to" 66 times. Check it...

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The Actual Fuck? - Spoiler Alert - Chug Milk - Devastated - She Giggly - Kates Middle - Epic Tits - Tasty Teen - LOL LOL!

Hawt Nerd - Scuba Poop - Resisting - Slam'her - Skinny Sex - Pranked - Marry Her! - Nasty Slut - Bubble Porn - Nuked

Inhumanity - Nip Slip - Double Vaj - How Deep? - Gran NO!! - Fingerbang - Best Ever - Analicious - Branding - Tits Out

I had three large tins of alphabetti soup yesterday and have just had the largest vowel movement ever.
--
The idiots searching for this missing Malaysian Airlines plane in the Indian Ocean have no idea. If I was looking for a pinging Black Box first place I would go would be to an African rave.
--
I listened to the news today: "More Pings in the Indian Ocean"... and I thought, "What now? Another Chinese ship?"
--
A man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute. He shouted to his missus "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends" she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back "Manchester United".
--
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..?
--
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Sam remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth three times, flossed twice times and on top of that, gargled Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Sam opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Sam, did you have 69 before you came here...?" "Errr... why?" asked Sam "Does my breath smell like pussy?" "No" The dentist replied "Your forehead smells like shit!"

ORSM VIDEO


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GOT SARCASM & WIT?

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar". --Drew Carey
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure". --Clarence Darrow
"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?" --Charles Pierce
"You have delighted us long enough". --Jane Austen
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about". --Winston Churchill
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary". --William Faulkner
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know". --Abraham Lincoln
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator". --Irvin S Cobb
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him". --Forrest Tucker
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music". --Billy Wilder
"The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterised by the fact that the man didn't have to watch". --Dave Barry
"It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them". --Caron de Beaumarchais
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others". --Ambrose Bierce
"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage". --Ambrose Bierce
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them". --Samuel Butler
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black". --Paul Newman
"It's a catastrophic success". --Stephen Bishop
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here". --Stephen Bishop
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives". --Abba Eban
"No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend". --Groucho Marx
"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them". --Groucho Marx
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five". --Groucho Marx
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!" --Groucho Marx
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you". --Groucho Marx
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce". --Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception". --Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it". --Groucho Marx
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up". --Groucho Marx
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced". --Frank Zappa
"The 100% American is 99% idiot". --George Bernard Shaw
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech". --George Bernard Shaw
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends". --Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go". --Oscar Wilde
"I am not young enough to know everything". --Oscar Wilde
"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship". --Oscar Wilde
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't". --Victor Borge
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it". --Mark Twain
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat". --Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it". --Mark Twain
"Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children". --Mark Twain
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself". --Mark Twain
"I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable". --Mark Twain
"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?" --Jean Cocteau
"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights". --J Paul Getty
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other". --Eric Hoffer
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else". --Kin Hubbard
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome". --Oscar Levant
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it". --Montaigne
"The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat". --Ogden Nash
"I wish we were better strangers". --Unknown
"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you". --Unknown
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal". --Woody Allen
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on". --Woody Allen
"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves". --Ludwig Wittgenstein
"Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions". --Frank Lloyd Wright
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time". --Vince Lombardi
"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are". --Gore Vidal
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy". --Goethe
"Stay with me; I want to be alone" --Joey Adams
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory". --Steven Wright
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand". --Kurt Vonnegut
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me". --Emo Philips
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say". --Will Durant
"It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor" --John Cleese
"Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice". --Unknown
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years". --Mark Twain
"I'm not so good with the advice... can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" --Chandler Bing
"That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too". --Homer Simpson
"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me". --John Cleese
"What have you been reading, the Gospel According to St. Bastard?" --Eddie Izzard
"Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason". --Seinfeld
"If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed". --Mark Twain
"I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't". --Jules Renard
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe". --Carl Sagan
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity". --Unknown
"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?" --Unknown
"For your information, I would like to ask a question". --Samuel Goldwyn
"The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife". --David Ogilvy
"Don't be humble. You're not that great". --Golda Meir

FRUIT 'N VEG SEX TOYS FOR THE HEALTH CONSCIOUS

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SARCASM & WIT [continued]

"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire". --George Carlin
"I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!" --Ashleigh Brilliant
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously". --Ashleigh Brilliant
"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually". --Abba Eban
"His ignorance is encyclopedic" --Abba Eban
"Better never than late". --George Bernard Shaw
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence". --George Bernard Shaw
"It's easier to replace a dead man than a good picture". --George Bernard Shaw
"Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability". --George Bernard Shaw
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place". --George Bernard Shaw
"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!" --George Bernard Shaw
"A true friend stabs you in the front". --Oscar Wilde
"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability". --Oscar Wilde
"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry". --Oscar Wilde
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast". --Oscar Wilde
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness". --Oscar Wilde
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" --Oscar Wilde
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer". --Victor Borge
"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often". --Mark Twain
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint". --Mark Twain
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". --Mark Twain
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable". --Mark Twain
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please". --Mark Twain
"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough". --Mark Twain
"I never let schooling interfere with my education". --Mark Twain
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow". --Mark Twain
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about". --Mark Twain
"We have the best government that money can buy". --Mark Twain
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" --Clarence Darrow
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it". --Clarence Darrow
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother". --Charles Pierce
"I am easily satisfied with the very best". --Winston Churchill
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly". --Winston Churchill
"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name". --Steven Wright
"A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking". --Steven Wright
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper". --Mark Twain
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid". --Hedy Lamarr
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect". --Steven Wright
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm" --Steven Wright
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing". --Robert Benchley
"Electricity is really just organized lightning". --George Carlin
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them". --P J O'Rourke
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please". --Mark Twain
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company". --Mark Twain
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific". --Lily Tomlin
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying". --Woody Allen
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her". --Rodney Dangerfield
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good". --Steven Wright
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me". --Fred Allen
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury". --Groucho Marx
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them". --Mitch Hedberg
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is". --Ellen DeGeneres
"My mechanic told me "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"." --Steven Wright
"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese". --Steven Wright
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about". --Oscar Wilde
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up". --Steven Wright
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark". --George Carlin
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?" --Fred Allen
"If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!" --Eddie Izzard
"You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a fucking H in it!" --Eddie Izzard
"The National Rifle Association says 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps". --Eddie Izzard
"She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong". --Mae West

ORSM VIDEO


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A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...

"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon".

THE HOLY GRAIL OF SPORT... CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?

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ORSM VIDEO

A woman comes home and tells her husband "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone". "No more headaches?" the husband asks "What happened?"

His wife replies "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'... and it worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies "Well, that is wonderful". His wife then says "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says "Don't move, I'll be right back!" With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom she sees him standing at the mirror saying "She's not my wife... she's not my wife... she's not my wife"...

INK... ITS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT

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Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy "I. w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t. m.a.r.r.i.e.d".

The first guy says in amazement "Hey, you don't stutter any more".

The answer comes "Y.e.s, I w.e.n.t t.o a d.o.c.t.o.r. a.n.d. h.e. t.o.l.d. m.e. t.h.a.t. i.f. I. s.p.e.a.k. s.l.o.w.l.y. I w.i.l.l. n.o.t. s.t.u.t.t.e.r".

The first friend congratulates him and asks again about how he was almost married.

"W.e.l.l, m.y. f.i.a.n.c.e.e. a.n.d. I. w.e.r.e. s.i.t.t.i.n.g. o.n. h.e.r. p.o.r.c.h. a .n.d. t.h.e. d.o.g. w.a.s. s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g. h.i.s. b.a.c.k. a.n.d. I. t.o.l.d. h.e.r. t.h.a.t. w.h.e.n. w.e. a.r.e. m.a.r.r.I.e.d, s.h.e. c.o.u.l.d. d.o. t.h.a.t. f.o.r. m.e. a.n.d. s.h.e. t.h.r.e.w. t.h.e. r.i.n.g. i.n. m.y. f.a.c.e".

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W.e.l.l, I. s.p.e.a.k. s.o. s.l.o.w.l.y, t.h.a.t. b.y. t.h.e. t.i.m.e. s.h.e. l.o.o.k.e.d. a.t. t.h.e. d.o.g, h.e. w.a.s. l.i.c.k.i.n.g. h.i.s. n.u.t.s"...

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face".

"Okay, Johnny" the teacher said, trying to help "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep".

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice. Johnny explained "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then dad said 'I'm coming', and mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face".

SHE ALWAYS WANTS ONE... GREAT FOR THE SKIN APPARENTLY...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue".

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here".

"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

RANDOM SHITE

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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

PAULINA JAMES COPS SOME CAWK

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. I am past sixty-five.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No" I said... he looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

ORSM VIDEO


So umm... that happened. And that can only mean...

-Check out the site archives. Its the only guaranteed way to avoid a punch in the face.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Aka Easter Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will smear his own shit on all the external and internal door handles of your house meaning that if you're out you will struggle to get in and if your in you will struggle to get out... unless you like touching other peoples shit of course.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be shy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.04.03-18.28
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Great, kid. Don't get cocky.

One thing that fucks me off deeply these days is linkbait [or clickbait] in and as news. The internet, and in particular porn, has always had its fair share of misleadingly titled links to lure in unsuspecting surfers however in the last few years its overtaken things it shouldn't overtake. I've long relied on Australia's largest news website to keep me up to date and for the most part it has adequately delivered. Then something totally unexpected happened...

I don't know if it was the whole thing about news organisations facing falling revenues or what but they realised things have to change otherwise they won't survive. Suddenly journalists who wrote stories about newsworthy events disappeared and in have come 30-something hipster twits writing about crap that idiots like me click on. There's obviously a whole team of people dedicated to conjuring linkbait headlines too. You know the ones...  they'll say something like "shocking facts they don't want you to know" or my favourite "... what came next was perfect". And then there's the stupidity of headlines which pose questions: "Are we pushing our airline pilots too hard?" instead of "Search for missing Malaysian jet continues". Don't forget controversial quotes as headlines that no one actually said and don't appear in the story and of course there's the Buzzfeed factor - lists. "297 reasons that people like to have their salad tossed". I ask you who can resist a good list?

News has made the transition to entertainment and there's not a single thing we can do about it except hope that those responsible suffer a fate that will blow your mind. Here's why the result will change your life forever.

Moving on. We have a federal election this weekend because some moron 'lost' a whole bunch of votes and rules state that it must be re-held. There was a rumour circulating recently that the missing ballots turned up in the back of a warehouse but you know what they say about rumours... they make a ru out of mour and s. Anyway what I'm trying to say is whatever you do DON'T VOTE GREEN.

Alright onto everything else that's been happening aaaand beginning with last Friday... blah blah working at house blah pregnant girlfriend blah tired blah busy blah woe is me blah blah blah breakfast with friends blah soup cook up blah fucking retardedly insane family blah etc blah etc.

Or the longer version... as usual last Friday kicked off at the house for a little clean-up. We keep running afoul of some local government imbecile that likes issuing fines. Okay its our responsibility to make sure everything is kept clean and safe but have to love the irony - when you need something from them, for-fucking-get it. Maximum waiting times are purely imaginary and guaranteed to blow out by months. But kick a little bit of sand on the footpath they're onsite in minutes.

I've been looking around for a used steel beam to use in the house. Surprisingly for such a common product they are hard to find... which is probably because I probably wasn't looking everywhere after all. Headed east to the edge of civilisation to a junkyard that was huge and amazing and not only did I find what I wanted, they had a fuckload of them. Planning another trip out there soon to see what else I can find. Thanks for the tip Criag.

Friday remained awesome. Doing groceries later I stopped to ask the butcher what her hamburger patties were like and she gave me a packet to try. #freemeat

Next, I don't care what anyone says about pregnancy, becoming a parent, your life changing and all that stuff. Right now it's all about the bigger boobs. #freemeat

Almost all of Saturday was spent back at the house. There's an ever increasing number of holes which need to be bashed into brick walls. Great for building muscle but I can't help wondering if investing in a jackhammer would have been a better idea. Would have saved countless chiropractor visits, skinned knuckles and general whininess.

Sunday, social and not much else so let's forgo a pointless paragraph and get the new update rolling. Much love and effort has gone into screwing this puppy together so hopefully you'll all be enthralled and wowed for many hours to come. If not, I suggest you have deep psychological problems and need to seek help. Check it...

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Guru - Micro Madness - Amish-mazing - Golddigger - Nude Protesters - Messed Up - Miley Titty - Damn Sexy - Stunning

Monster - OMFG - Heartbreaking - Nut Busted - Steam Punk - Steam Punk - Tiny Teen - Genius - Goth Orgy - Ur A Dick

See Thru - Break Her - Sweet Cans - Nigga News - What A BITCH - Jizz Gag - Spectacular - Gratification - Munted

My wife complained that I'm prone to exaggeration. I nearly tripped over my dick.
--
I've been having therapy to cure my obsession with the band Bon Jovi. Six weeks into my twelve week treatment my psychiatrist asked "So, how are you feeling at this stage?" I said "Ohhhhhh, I'm halfway there".
--
Spare a thought for the bloke who told his wife that he was going to China on the ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!!
--
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven". The young woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times". The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face".
--
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked "Why are you home from school so early?" Johnny answered "I was the only one who could answer a question". "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

ORSM VIDEO


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PREDICTIONS THAT DIDNT PAN OUT

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year". -The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us". -Western Union internal memo, 1876

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom". -Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Many years will pass until a woman will become Prime Minister"- Margaret Thatcher. She became Prime Minister in short time, in October, 1969

"Nuclear vacuum cleaners will be a reality in ten years" - Alex Lewyt, president Lewyt Corp, 1955.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons". -Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"The market is in the process of correcting". -George W. Bush, March 2008. Since then, the market has declined

"This antitrust thing will disappear". -Bill Gates

"AIG may have huge collections in the second half of the year". -Bijan Moazami, an economic analyst, in May 2008. AIG ultimately had huge losses ($25 billion)

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers". -Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"It's just a matter of time until Linux will become the dominant OS on desktop systems". -Digg, 2007

"We'll never equip our computers with a mouse". - IBM

"Japanese auto industry has poor chances to ever reach a significant market share here in the USA". -Business Week, 1968

"Planes are interesting toys, but will never have any military value". - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"But what is it good for?" -Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible". -Lord Kelvin, 1895.

"Within two months, Sony will buy Apple. Sony will be the white knight who will pass in the main plan". -Gaston Bastiaens, Apple, 1996

"640K ought to be enough for anybody". -Bill Gates, 1981

"That the automobile has practically reached the limit of its development is suggested by the fact that during the past year no improvements of a radical nature have been introduced". -Scientific American, in a 1909 report

"Abdomen, thorax and brain will never be touched by surgeons".  -Sir John Eric Ericksen, 1873.

"The world's climate is changing. Of that scientists are firmly convinced... sooner or later, a major cooling of the climate is widely considered inevitable". -New York Times article, May 21, 1975

"Anyone who sees a source of energy resulted from the transformation of these atoms is talking nonsense". -Ernest Rutherford, shortly after the first fission

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"We have no doubt that Saddam Hussein's regime possesses weapons of mass destruction. These weapons will be identified and found, among people who have produced and now are watching them". -Gen. Tommy Franks, 2003

"This empire will never disappear". -Romans,about the Roman Empire

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C' the idea must be feasible". -A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Everyone who is somehow familiar with the subject will recognise that it will be a failure". -Henry Morton, the president of Stevens Institute of Technology referring to Edison's bulb, in 1880

"It will take 6 days or 6 weeks; I doubt that it will take 6 months" - Donald Rumsfeld about the invasion of Iraq

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper" -Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

"This carriage with no horses is currently just a luxury for the wealthy. Even if the price will decrease in the future, it will probably never be as popular as cycling". -Literary Digest, 1899. It was referring to cars

"We will bury you". Nikita Krushchev, believing that the communist regime will remove the US capitalism, 1958

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out". -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"There will never be build a bigger plane". -A Boeing engineer, after having seen the 247 in the air, carrying ten people

"Democracy will disappear by 1950". -John Langdon-Davies in his book "A brief history of the future" in 1936

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible". -Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Basically there is no chance that the satellites be used to provide better service for telephone, television, or radio telegraphy". -T. Craven, FCC member of the committee in 1961. Four years later, the first commercial satellite was released on orbit

"That virus is a pussycat. It will not survive for a long time". -Dr Peter Duesberg, about the HIV virus in 1988

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this". -Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M Post-It Notepads.

"A rocket will never be able to leave the atmosphere of Earth". -New York Times, 1936

"Man will not fly in 50 years from now on". -Wilbur Wright, after an experimental flight failed in 1901. However, in 1903, Wright brothers demonstrated the opposite

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy". -Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -HM Warner, in 1927 when silent movies were in fashion

"No matter what, it will never learn anything". -Albert Einstein's teacher to Einstein's father, 1895

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau". -Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"It's a great invention, but who wants to use it?" - President Rutherford B. Hayes, about the phone of Alexander Bell in 1876

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". -Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France

"Television will not last. It's just a spark in the water". Mary Somerville, radio broadcast producer, in 1948

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required". -Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"The journey by train at high speeds will not be possible for people, as they won't be able to breathe and will die stifled". - Dr Dionysus Larder, University College London, 1793-1859.

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself". -the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox

"The x-rays will be just a trick". -Lord Kelvin, 1883

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"To dig for oil? You mean to drill the ground for draw out the oil? You are crazy". Some workers who worked for Edwin L. Drake in 1859

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home". -Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

ARMY GIRLS'LL SAVE YOU

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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?" "No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't". "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules".

The man asked "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20". "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her" he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

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A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad and former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"Fust" he said "I don't want to have to kuss er". "Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus".

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull" said Graham "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500".

DROPPING IT IN DEEP

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The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election-day and says "So, mum, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again".

"Don't worry about it mum, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door".

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy - what on earth would I wear?" "Oh mum," replies Susan. "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made, by the best designer in New York!"

"Honey," mum complains "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat". The President-to-be responds "Don't worry mum. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York - kosher all the way! Mum, I really want you to come".

So mum reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there, with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back "Yes I do". Mum says proudly "Her brother is a doctor!"

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A woman goes on holiday to Barbados. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, that he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again "Can you please tell me you name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me" says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.

"Okay. My name is Snow!" the black man replies, and the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says "I knew you would make fun of it!"  The lady replied "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband back home who won't believe me when I tell him I had 8 inches of snow every day in Barbados!"

TINY TEETERS

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

RANDOM SHITE

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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite".

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

COOKING FAILS

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman".

The priest said "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped".

The priest said "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box".

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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Well I don't know what all that was about but I do know I'm "da fuk" out of here. You guys should definitely read on though...

-Check out the site archives. Orgasm/ejaculation guaranteed.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Anything else wouldn't be proper like.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will roll up at you crying and screaming "Why don't you love me?". Then he'll finger his asshole to orgasm/ejaculation.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ???. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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