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April 2016...
orsmupdate 2016.04.28-19.56
Boobies

Welcome to what a funny old fellow is Humphrey.

My relationship with sleep has long been crappy. By the time I moved out of home it had become secondary to running this website. Basically I'd stay riveted to the computer, crash late, sleep late, day in day out, 12pm to 3am or 4am or whatever. As years have gone by I've normed out slightly [bed by midnight-ish] however duration is way down. I'm lucky to hit 6 hours. When you do a bit of reading on sleep it's pretty interesting what the effects of deprivation are. Amongst the many, moodiness stuck out and as much as I hate to say it... that's very much me, you fucking pricks! Zero to one hundred in an instant. The realisation is I can operate just fine on limited sleep but it turns me into a cunt. So the goal has been to try and wind bedtimes back a bit to 11pm but my body seems to be resisting. Every day this week I've woken up ridiculously early; between 4 and 5am early. It's a miracle if I can somehow manage to fall back asleep. Wondering if I've now trained myself to exist on decreased downtime and its irreversible. Meanwhile loved ones get to deal with an asstard forever and ever...

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Moving on to recent events beginning with... Friday was a good day. Kicked off at a cool nearby café which has recently opened followed by a gym thing for the kid. Think it's called a 'soft play' meaning everything is cushioned and they can't [easily] hurt themselves. To be honest I just like the dozens and dozens of mums... even though they don't really talk to me because I'm the only adult dude there and they automatically think I must be a sex offender. That night we accepted [read: fucking jumped] at the offer of a babysitter and headed out to a restaurant my single friends frequently do FB check-ins at. Exceptionally awesome place too with amazing food, overpriced cocktails and a bill to match. Why wouldn't I/we normally go to a place like that? Because on the nights you do actually decide to eat in a restaurant and kids are involved there are stipulations. Stipulations you say? Firstly it has to be reasonably close to home so you can get back quickly if there's a tiredness-related meltdown. Secondly, ideally the place had a kids menu. Thirdly, a highchair is always a preferable. This joint was 0-3.

Saturday Saturday was not a very noteworthy Saturday. Did stuff around the house plus a few hours dedicated to this update then sprawling out on the lounge room floor to watch a film. Then I noticed a flash from the backyard in my direction. Quickly jump up, take the 2 steps to the door and see some asshole from the rear neighbours literally hanging over the fence with his phone taking pics. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MATE???" "Uh uh uh I'm just trying to take a pic. It looks cool". To clarify... lights in the backyard do indeed make it look cool. Part of me was kind of flattered someone would want to take a photo. The other part of me used a range of swear words to illustrate my displeasure and instruct him to get down. I could literally have been doing anything at that moment too. Picking my nose or fingering my asshole; the last thing anyone wants is to unwittingly become a viral sensation minding their own business in the privacy of their own home. Next day, after I'd had some time to reflect and realise swearing at the guy was a missed opportunity to make friendly with them, I found cigarette butts cuntingly flicked over the fence again. This shit is starting to push my buttons.

Sunday began at a mates place for a boy's breakfast. Good times. Squeezed in some shopping and mucking around on the computer next before heading zoo-ward to meet friends. I don't mind the zoo but any more than once every few years is enough. After all there's only so much of the horribly depressed primates anyone needs to see. Last time we went was September so wasn't exactly eager but that changed discovering the dinosaur exhibit. A whole bunch of life-size animatronic dinosaurs scattered around the place was very well done. Come to think of it the white trash bogan's were excellent entertainment also.

Don't even get me started on Monday. It was the ANZAC Day public holiday and I woke up early enough that I probably should've taken the opportunity to attend a dawn service... except had no intentions of heading to the city for the main service and had no idea where a nearer one might be. If you did make the effort - congratulations you're a better Australian than me!

Okay let's get rolling. I'm stoked with how this update turned out. Videos and pics and jokes and everything is just satisfying. Check it...

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Purple God8 Of The Weirdest Celebrity Prince Stories Ever - Your PrivacyVideo Shows The True Scale Of UK Government's Proposed Mass Surveillance Bill #SnoopersCharter - Do YOU Agree?Millennial Rants About Why Millennials Are Failures. Do You Agree With Her? - So Creative!These Creepy Cakes Of Disembodied Heads, And Human Organs Are Disturbingly Realistic - Great PrankElaborate Nuke Prank Causes Fallout In Dad's Pants - Sniper GoneAmazing Footage Of A Sniper Being Killed By Rocket - SpringbreakersHoly Shit Is This Really What Goes On At Spring Break? I'm Booking My Ticket Right Fucking Now!!!! - Bye BirdWoah! Giant Tuna Eats Seagull In One Bite - WT-F-ing-F?"France Has Neither Winter Nor Summer Nor Morals And Has Usually Been Governed By Prostitutes... Apart From These Drawbacks It Is A Fine Country." - Mark Twain

Real Vs PornPorn Stars Explain Real Sex Vs Porn Sex - *facepalm*Woman Shot In The Neck And Killed During Wedding Celebration - Pussy SlipAriel Winter Upshorts Panties Or No Panties? You Decide - Shower BabeBusty Sabrina Nichole Getting Lathered Up In The Shower! Her Tits Are Amazing, Add The Soap And Water And This Is Pretty Much Perfect If You Ask Me! - Horny HoMasturbating Girl On The Train Gazes Into A Stranger's Eye - Fuuuuck!!Workers Were Using An Excavator To Demolish A Building But Everything Went Wrong When Flying Pieces Of Cinder Block Came Flying At The Camera Man. Pretty Painful Fail! - Sprung FuckingI'd Have To Lay Down The Beat Down If My Friends Ruined My Balls Deep Fuck Fest! - Surely NotJust A Muslim Therapist, In The Woods, Teaching Husbands The Right Way To Beat Their Wives - Gushing GashSlippery Sweetie Cytherea's Pussy Explodes Like A Geyser.

45cm DongPerhaps You Have Heard Of This Guy Before. Its Very Old Stuff And He Didn't Make That Many Porn Videos. In This Sort Of Documentary You Will See Him And His 45cm Long Phallus. Funny To See How Such A Skinny Dude Can Have Such A Long Dong! - Schooled AFTrapped In A Tram There's Certain Things You Shouldn't Do.... Such As Dropping The N Bomb To A Bunch Of Oldies Who Don't Take Kindly To That Shit... - Mariah TitsMariah's Wardrobe Has A Very Impressive Malfunc Which We're Very Thankful For! - GorgeousNina Agdal Braless In Long See Through Mesh Dress - Love DarcieDarcie Dolce. She's Naked. She's Busty. She's In Bed. What Else Do You Need? - Viva Mexico!Spectator Is Crushed To Death By Racing Horse - Tough GuyRecord Producer Birdman Is Going To Regret Trying To Act Tough On Radio Hosts Forever After Seeing These - Freak PornHaving A Clown And A Midget At Your Party Is Always Great. Having Them Fuck In The Middle Of It Is Pure Awesomeness. - Very CoolGuy Makes A 3D Concrete Printer, Prints Castle! - SquirterShe Is Young, She Is Sexy, She Is Funny, And She Is A Heavy Squirter! After Quick Chat With Her Fans She Took A Dildo And Started Pounding Her Pussy And Continued Pleasuring Herself Until Her Pussy Explodes!

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time". God said "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied "She's down at the river, washing herself out". "Damn" says God "now all the fish will smell funny".
--
The husband was not home at his usual hour and the wife was fuming. As the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3am she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realise what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house". Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
--
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied. The rabbi replied "Oh" then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut 2 inches of the tailpipe.
--
When I heard Al Sharpton was a guest preacher at a black church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why; maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my head and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and repeated the same thing: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today". Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and sure as hell, my car had been stolen.

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WHAT A WAY TO GO!

Yes life is precious and its sad whenever a loved one goes. On the other hand, we all enjoy the story of some random person you didn't know or care about dying senselessly. This lot does not disappoint...

-Two high school freshman were seriously injured and a third was killed when an 18-wheeler ran them over whilst trying to imitate a scene from a 1993 move called The Program where college athletes lie on a highway to prove their bravery. In the film, the truck was able to veer off and narrowly miss hitting anyone, but in real life two of the boys had their legs amputated while the unlucky third was crushed to death. The driver said he never even saw the boys. The scene was later removed from the movie.

-An 88 year-old Rio de Janeira woman died after a nursing technician mistakenly injected soup into the IV in her right arm instead of her feeding tube. The woman's daughter was with her when the injection happened and said her mother started to squirm uncomfortably and stick her tongue out as soon as the soup was injected. She died 12 hours after receiving the injection. The hospital acknowledged the error but would not admit it was related to the patient's death.

-A 22 year-old Fairfax, VA man was found dead after he tried to use Occy straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Police said he taped a bunch of the straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle, jumped and hit the pavement.

-During a soccer match in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, all 11 members of a football team were killed by a bolt of lightning which left the other team unhurt. Thirty other people received burns. The two sides were drawn 1-1 when the lightning struck the visiting team. The home team curiously came out of the catastrophe unscathed.

-A 65-year-old man who was found incinerated inside his home by his family. He died in such a manner that suggests he may have spontaneously combusted - he drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes, but it was not possible for those factors to cause the type of fire that incinerated the body. The floor below the 65-year-old was not damaged and there was no sign that any accelerant was used. The autopsy shows no clue of how the fire started.

-A Russian woman took her dog for a walk after it started barking late at night and then left it tied to a post in her yard, still barking. Annoyed neighbours called the police. The policemen decided to shoot the dog. The first nine shots missed but one of them broke the leash, sending the animal running frantically around the yard. The policemen ran after the dog, shooting at the silhouette in the dark. The 13th bullet hit the owner, who was trying to catch the animal, in the heart.

-A mourning husband died after being stung by a swarm of honeybees whilst cremating his wife in their village. The bees were disturbed after flames from the funeral enveloped their nest. While others fled, the man stay put as he was performing the rituals. He died following multiple stings.

-A Portugal dance teacher tangoed to his death straight out of a fifth-floor window. Police said he was showing his dance class how to keep the head high by looking at the ceiling.

-In 1974, nine days after the America Sings attraction opened in Disneyland, an 18-year-old Disneyland cast member died when she was crushed between two walls of the building. A narrow channel between a stationary wall and a rotating wall was open and she was unfortunate enough to walk through this space as the rotating wall began to move. Audience members heard screams although most thought it was all part of the show.

-A Filipino man was alone in the jungle catching bats on when a 7 metre python caught him by the foot and squeezed him to death. Then the monster swallowed the 60kg man. Friends later found the snake and slit it open, finding the father of six already digesting.

-A suicidal Frenchman wanted to leave nothing to chance when he finally decided to do it. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely, but cut through the hanging rope instead. Freed of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden plunge into the freezing waters extinguished the flames and apparently made him vomit the poison as well. He was dragged out of the water by witnesses on the beach below the cliff and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

-A switch away from daylight savings time turned the tables on a group of Palestinian terrorists who had neglected to note that Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time due to a religious holiday. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area by explosives experts and set on Daylight Savings time. The drivers in Israel had already switched their watches to standard time and failed to note the time difference. They were in their car still en route to their destination when the explosives detonated an hour earlier than they expected.

-A fisherman in Ukraine electrocuted himself while fishing. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock quickly killed the fish which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man then waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

-A clean freak 16 year-old was so obsessed with smelling fresh that he would cover his entire body with deodorant at least twice a day. His parents told him he was using too much but he laughed it off... that was until he was found dead in his bedroom. Three empty deodorant canisters were found next to his beautiful smelling corpse in his bedroom. A post mortem showed that his body contained 0.37mg of butane per litre of blood and a similar amount of propane. Just 0.1mg of either gas can kill. It is believed the gases built up in his body after months of intensive spraying.

-The naked body of a 27-year-old drifter was found floating in a tank at Seaworld. He had apparently hidden in the Florida theme park after closing time and drowned in the freezing water of the tank. Well not quite. Enter Tillikum, the largest Orca whale in captivity who at around 5,000kg it seems 'played' with the man's 82kg body as if it were a toy. The post mortem showed numerous bruises and cuts to his body as well as a bite out of the man's groin which occurred after death. When trainers arrived the next morning Tillikum was apparently swimming around the tank with the man's body draped across his back.

-A San Anselmo man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a makeshift sledge of yellow foam. The accident occurred about 3am after the man and his friends hiked up a ski run called and untied some yellow foam bumpers from the lift towers. The pads of course are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope before the man crashed into a tower... the same tower which was supposed to be cushioned by the foam that the man was using as a makeshift sled.

More of these can be found in the Orsm September '15 archive here.

DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP?

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Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and an Irishman, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the final hour approaches, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his inevitable doom.

The time comes for the execution and the American is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the American shouts "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep into the woods and escapes death.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the American's success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7 ...." Just before the officer reaches "1" the German shouts "HURRICANE!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the German has disappeared deep into the woods and escaped his execution.

The Irishman is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, the Irishman decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10... 9... 8... 7... 6 ...."

Just before the officer reaches "1" the Irishman shouts "FIRE!!"

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A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink". He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you". "You think I'm pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?" "Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time".

"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young man? I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up". The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to the customers who had started to approach the table but wheeled and came back.

"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the ass as we walk by you and she'll give you a wink". The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her on the butt, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.

Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with a stunned look on his face.

"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed! What did he do? What did he say?" "Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there licking his eyebrows..."

NOTHING QUITE LIKE A GOOD SINGLET...

SINGLETS

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A middle-aged couple are out to one night when they come to a nightclub. Remembering fondly their disco days, they decide to go in for old times' sake. After a few dances they sit down at the side to catch their breaths. Soon, a man comes over and asks the woman to dance. She is rather flattered and with an approving glance from her husband, accepts the invitation.

Well, after a few minutes bopping, the man leans over to her and says "You know, I think you're really good looking, could I kiss you?" The woman is rather taken aback and replies "Certainly not - I'm a married woman and that's my husband over there!"

The music continues, and after another few minutes the man leans over again and says "I really do think that you're the most attractive woman I've seen for ages, could I feel your tits, please?" By now the woman is getting angry, and replies "Of course not, what sort of person do you think I am?"

They continue dancing, and after a little while longer the man leans over for a third time and says "I think you're so lovely that I'd like to turn you upside down, fill you with Guinness and drink it". The woman is completely shocked, slaps the man in the face and goes back to her husband.

"Do you know what that man wanted to do to me?" she asked him "He wanted to kiss me!" "What??" exclaimed her husband. "And that's not all...! He wanted to feel my tits as well!" she continued. Husband gets up. "Where is he? I'll show him, I'll knock his block off!"

"And there's more" said his wife. "He wanted to turn me upside down, fill me with Guinness and DRINK IT!"

The husband immediately sits down.

"What are you sitting down for?" she asked "I thought you were going to go and sort him out!?" "You must be joking" her husband replied. "I'm not messing with anyone that can drink fifteen pints of Guinness!"

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A Vaseline sales rep is driving through the country, when his car starts shaking and stops without any warning. He quickly discovers its out of oil. Being that he's miles from anywhere, he has no other option but to fill the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets really hot, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to and ask to use the phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning" complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch" says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork" says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The salesman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with...

He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again.

A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated.

He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells "I'll do the dishes!"

CURVES ARE EVERYTHING

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137 lemmings walk into a bar.

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Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick one up. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the young sales assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set. When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him "How much is that vanity set?" The assistant manager replied "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00". Mary exclaimed "My goodness that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket".

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The man said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom he yelled "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back "No... but I will for the vanity set?"

This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.

THE MANY, MANY DELIGHTS OF THE RIO CARNIVAL

RIO CARNIVAL

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your peg leg".

"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off".

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard". Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?"

"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye". The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days".

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Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're rated 'Number 1 Place To Visit In The Universe' by Trip Advisor.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Believe it or not.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will continue to kill pop icons.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not try to bend the spoon. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.04.21-18.15
Boobies

Welcome to something d-o-o economics.

You gotta love those Thursdays when it's time to sit down and write a page of words but nothing comes out. No wait... I fucking hate those days. After last week's shambles there should be a bunch of material from which to draw but nope. The long and short of it was I got very sick, shat a lot, slept a lot and then suddenly bounced back in time to get the update finished. Unfortunately didn't have the brain power to conure an eloquently written, thought-provoking blogpost in all that downtime...

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Moving on to activites, limited as they were. It's becoming a trend lately to get Saturday's to myself. Half of the day anyway. The GF headed south to visit fam and I somehow negotiated my way out of it. Come to think of it maybe she doesn't want me along with her...? Maybe her family doesn't like me...? Got my morning rolling at the tyre shop with a new set. We've had the 'family' SUV coming up to 2 years and was told upon purchase it needed new rubber. Heading into winter it was a case of how much can fate be tempted before someone goes sliding into something. From there it was off to an electrical wholesaler to find more parts for the keyless entry project. One door and one button are all that stands in the way of having a completely key-free home.

Next was to pump a few hours into this update before heading out again later to a plant nursery. GF had a great idea to plant herbs. What's great about her ideas is that 99% of the time they involve me executing them. SO... I grabbed some potting mix and a few punnets of herbs and came back ready to plant them except it was instead off again to go wish happy birthday to a rellie. That night, Leaving Las Vegas. Have seen this film pointed to a million times as a classic but could not get in to it; could not relate.

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest... someone might want to tell that to the fuckwit rear neighbours who woke us up bright and early with unnecessary noise. Mentioned this a few weeks ago and you guys contributed some cool ideas to fuck with them. The best of which however was to not fuck with them at all and go over with beers, be friendly and let them know what's up. A catch more flies with honey than vinegar approach but I have a feeling it's not going to work. After all disturbing the neighbours is not going stop anyone from enjoying their recreational party drugs. Plus these are the guys who routinely flick chewed gum and cigarette butts over our fence. They are thoughtless cunts and with a long weekend ahead I'm expecting the worst.

We had planned to meet friends along the coast that morning for a coffee and to let the kids play. Of course it was rainy as fuck although what actually caused cancellation was their kid being sick. Gastro or whatever. Okay no worries stay the fuck away then. Instead walked around the house doing various jobs; the main one being telephone lines. When the house was being built I decided not to bother with a landline. With mobile phones who even uses them anymore? That didn't stop an overzealous electrician from running the wires throughout the house though. Nice of him to do that buuuut he never terminated them so, until Sunday, there were holes in walls with a wires hanging out. Oh and before any electricians email me - I know there's a huge fine for touching telecommunications stuff but I didn't connect them to the outside world so chill the fuck out.

The afternoon we did dinner with friends at their place for a long overdue catch up and of course to let the kids play. Well that's what we were supposed to do. Yep... cancelled due to one of them being down sick with whatever. Not a good sign - winter is still a while away but I feel like this year is going to be brutal on social activity.

Okay dudes. Quite ya talking and strap yourselves in for a killer update. There's a buttload of new pics and vids and shite that is certain to keep everyone amused well beyond what is reasonable so switch the phone to silent, grab some tissues and prepare to Orsm. Check it...

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Epic InterviewsSome Celebrities Just Have No Patience For Stupid Reporters And Their Stupid Questions. Not That They Should. On The Other Hand, Some Celebrities Are Just Ridiculous.- #RealFansFirstA Little Boy Longing To See His Team Play Is Every Sports Fan In This Heartfelt Video - WTF? IDIOTS!Pathetic College Kids Struggle To Admit This Man Isn't A 6-Foot-5 Chinese Woman - Personal Space60 Dogs That Prove Canines Have No Understanding Or Concept About Personal Space - Sore LosersThere's Unsportsmanlike Conduct And Then There's This. Wow! - She's Legal!The Most Carded Girl In Porn. Don't Worry, She's Over 18... I Swear! - Hurry Up!Shop Owner Shot To Death By Impatient Customer - Busty Red - IdiocracyMomma Bear Throws Down On 16 Year Old Son's 30 Year Old Girlfriend

Safety FailRacer Ploughs Into The Crowd Of Spectators - Miley LeakedMiley Cyrus Leaked Nudes - Boobie BombGreat Clip Of A Busty Blonde Flashing Her Hooters On The News! She's A Hero! - Nicky WhelanNicky Whelan Gets Fucked And Naked In House Of Lies - Heli Vs IEDUnfortunately Once In A While These Characters Get A Lucky. This Attack Army Helicopter Managed To Land On One Of Their Landmines And Blew Up. - RidiculousJohnny Depp And Amber Heard's Video Apology Looks More Like North Korea Than Real Life - Public BeejGerman Girl Sucks Off Her Bf In A Public Bus. That's Definitely One Way To Make The Morning Commute A Little More Fun! - Had It ComingReporter Bloodied After Being Hit With Shrapnel On Live TV - DeeeepthroatThis Should Be The Most Rough And Brutal Throatfuck Ever But It Doesn't Look That Way. In Fact It Looks Like Smooth Sailing And That's Because The Skills Of The Girl Are Just Amazing - His Dick Goes In Far And Moves Up And Down Her Throat But Still She Does Not Panic, Gag, Or Vomit.

Douchebag!Jackass On JetBlue Flight Gets Kicked Off For Being Mouthy - Up The ButtHot Anal And Blowjob With Amateur Brunette - Inverted-gasmAmateur Slut Toys Her Twat While Doing A Hand Stand. Call Me Crazy, But I Think This Should Be An Olympic Event... - Aussie AF!Possibly The Most Australian Video On The Internet - BJ TrainingThis Juicy Jugged Bimbo Is Gonna Need A Throat Lozenge After That Cock Attack. - Defend Urself!This Guy Was Getting Jumped By A Group Of Thugs. The Only Thing He Had To Defend Himself With Was A Golf Club And Defend Himself He Did. - Model TitsEdita Vilkeviciute In Lingerie For A Fast Fashion Mall Brand Is Very Worthy Of Our Time... - Hard NipsRachel Mccord Rock Hard Pokies Walking Down The Street - Emma GloverBusty Babe Emma Glover Stripping Out Of Red Leggings! It's Been Said Before But Whoever Came Up With Leggings Is A Goddamn Hero. Emma Looks Great.

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When I heard that they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.
--
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here". The bartender says "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here". So the guy figures he'll fix them - he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here". The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy".
--
A woman goes to her gynaecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina". The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".
--
It seems that a little girl and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes. He's arguing that boys are inherently better and she that girls are. The subject, of course, spills over into the personal realm, so that the real issue is which of the two children is superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is quite clearly true. She turns and runs home. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants, and says "My mummy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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BEWARE THE BRIDEZILLA!!

Can't say I've ever witnessed any true Bridezilla behaviour firsthand. Kind of sad about that actually but have heard a few classics... like the bride who forced her bridesmaids to wear hideous dresses so as not to be overshadowed by them. Helloooo personality disorder! Good luck to whichever asshole is stupid enough to marry something like that! She's not the only one though - Bridezilla's are everywhere...

-When I was a bridesmaid, we decided to go to the bride's parents' house in the countryside for the hen do. They have a farm with a guest house and we took long walks, cooked and had a lovely time. On the last day, I made lunch for everyone, and just as we were about to eat, the bride's mother suddenly appeared and pulled her daughter into another room. We didn't think much of it until the bride came back in tears. After a lot of coaxing, she admitted that her mum didn't like any of her bridesmaids - especially me. We spent the rest of the afternoon in tears. As the wedding approached, the bride texted to ask if I would step down from bridesmaid duties to keep her mum happy! But the groom -also my friend- insisted I was in the bridal party. I'll never know what I did to upset the bride's mum, but on the day itself, everything was fine and her weird outburst was never mentioned again.

-A friend of mine was obsessed with getting her wedding featured on a popular wedding blog. Every detail was meticulously planned, and everything had to be exactly how she wanted it. Lots of brides choose colour palettes, but she sent out the precise colours of the bridesmaids' dresses — along with suggested complementary colours for our jewellery and lipstick. A little picky, but not a big deal for the wedding party, right? But then she advised guests on what to wear, sending out a PDF with colour combinations and her preferred fabrics. In the end, the wedding blog published her photos, but she developed a new reputation among friends as a giant control freak.

-My cousin was having her sister as her Maid of Honour. Her sister is quite large and didn't feel comfortable in a strapless dress. She politely asked if she could wear a shawl over her shoulders to cover herself up. My cousin flipped her shit, kicked her out of the wedding completely, and had security watch the entire night making sure her own sister didn't show up. She wasn't allowed on the property because she was uncomfortable showing so much skin. It was actually really sad.

-One bride sent an email to her maids with a link to the gowns. The problem was they were only sold in a sizes 6, 8 and 10. One of the bridesmaids, a size 14, made an awkward phone call to the bride. "She told me that her fuller-figured maids should either lose the weight or buy two dresses and sew them together". "I hung up the phone, shocked by her rudeness, and the next day, I politely declined her invitation to be a bridesmaid".

-At one point we were getting ready for the ceremony and the bride said "kittenhiccups, let me see your muff". I batted my eyelashes and joked "I've waited so long to hear those words from you!" The look she shot me could have killed a fucking moose. She told me if I was going to make lewd jokes, I should go hang out with the groomsmen.

-I was a bridesmaid for a high school friend's wedding. As we were looking for bridesmaid dresses, I explained that I'd need a certain (plus!) size. When she picked them out, they didn't come in my size. When I confronted the bride about it, she said: "Guess that's an incentive to lose weight!"

-One wedding guest remembers the time her very religious friend got married. "She didn't want anyone at her wedding or in her bridal party who was born out of wedlock. This included her best friend, who is the daughter of a teen mom.

-After receiving a gift basket with date-night snacks, this bride and groom were furious. Instead of accepting the gift graciously, they texted the gift-basket-givers, saying "I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding, people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your date's plates... and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return!"

-The bride had someone make us the bridesmaid dresses from scratch, and all we had to do was send in our measurements. The dresses came in two weeks before the wedding. Mine was 10 inches too long, the bust was completely misshapen, and the beadwork was just hanging off. We had a seamstress fix my dress in less than a week, but the other bridesmaids simply used safety pins to hold their dresses up as they walked down the aisle. It was a nightmare!

-I'm a brunette. The other bridesmaids were blondes. The bride got it in her head that it would be "weird" if I stood out from the rest because of my dark hair. She offered to pay for me to go blonde for her wedding, and when I said I'd prefer not to, she said "Well, you can colour it back to brown after the wedding". In the end, we agreed that it would be best if I attend the wedding as a guest, not part of the wedding party.

-I was a bridesmaid for my friend, all the other bridesmaids were her sisters, so I was the only non-family bridesmaid. My friend asked me to help out with stuff, but every time I asked the sisters if I could help or offered an opinion on things I got rude responses or rejections. I asked if I could help plan the bachelorette party, offered some ideas, they outright said '"o, we don't like that, no, we don't want to do that" and then actually stole all of my ideas and took credit for them. They also did matching bachelorette outfits for the bride and them, but left me out of it. Then on the wedding day, any time the photographer wanted bridesmaids pictures, they'd say "SISTERS PICTURE" and I'd get pushed out of it, so I'm in very few pictures".

-This terrifying bride started an email chain among her bridesmaids laying out a list of rules, requirements and regiments for being bridesmaids. On the list: haircuts must be approved, everyone needs to log their weight loss, THOUGH no one can be skinner than the bride.

-After kicking her sister out of the wedding for not being enthusiastic enough and for having a purple streak in her hair, this bridezilla went even further and got mad at her sister for coming out as bisexual. She told her to stop talking about it because this is 'her year' and it's supposed to be all about her".

-We threw this bride an amazing destination bachelorette party in the Caribbean over a long weekend. She was a little thankful, but since we're from the Northeast, the bride complained that some girls were unable to make it and said we should have another party closer to home. So we threw her a second spa bachelorette party with a really nice luncheon. The bridal party footed the bill for everything (we were all broke!), and at the end, all the bride could say was "I'm so sad that my second bachelorette party is over now".

-A good friend asked me to do her wedding makeup and hair. I was more than happy to agree to do it for free and pay for my own flight to her perfect island wedding. The problem? She had a trashy idea of how her hair should look. I showed her dozens of gorgeous options, but what did she want? A big poufy bun smothered in rhinestones. She ended up yelling "It's my hair and wedding! I'll do what I want!" I was then uninvited and fired from her wedding.

-My sister in law asked her bridesmaids to gain 5-10 kilos to make her look better in comparison.

Got a good bride being a Bridezilla story? Email me!

LOoooVE ME SOME VAGINA

LOVE ME SOME VAGINA

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls. He had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to remove them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said "How did you do that?" "No problem" said Joe... "I'm an ex-tractor fan..."

ORSM VIDEO


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A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for some Trojans. The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says "What's wrong with you kids today, you go on two dates and you wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't you save sex for when you get married? You should wait until you're married! Sex before marriage is a sin you know".

Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that his generation was a little different. He said that he and his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the condoms.

That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend Katie's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat down, Tom asked Katie's father if he could say grace. Her father said yes and Tom proceeded to say a beautiful eleven minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the President for the meal they were about to eat.

After dinner Katie took Tom aside and smiling, said "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled back and said "Well, Katie, you never told me your father was a pharmacist..."

40+ GIRLS SHOWING EVERYONE THE BEST USE OF A BALCONY

BEST USE OF A BALCONY

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ORSM VIDEO

BEWARE THE BRIDEZILLA!! (CONTINUED)

-My cousin got married last summer, and she had decided that everyone had to have the same baby blue nail polish for their manicures. A bit particular, but not a big deal. That is, until one of the bridesmaids showed up without her nails done, and the bride flipped out. "How could you do this to me? The pictures will be ruined!" that sort of thing. Nobody had a bottle of the polish with them, so my cousin expected the poor bridesmaid to go buy one... an hour before the wedding was supposed to begin! Faced with that time crunch, the bridesmaid suggested that she might be more useful if she could help the bride get ready. Furious, the bride instructed the photographer to not take any pictures that showed the bridesmaid. You can guess how much longer that friendship lasted.

-I have a friend who was being the bridesmaid in a wedding with a bride who was VERY disorganised. It was quite a big wedding with maybe 100 guests, reception being held in a town hall. Three days before the wedding, the bride calls my friend and says...  "Hmm, we really should do some decorations. Can you organise some decorations for the hall, please? K, thanks, bye". So all of a sudden my friend has three days to organise decorations for a wedding in a massive hall (which she had never personally seen), along with all her other bridesmaid duties in the lead-up.

-This bride wanted all bridesmaids to be the same height in the photo. Unfortunately that meant that one 5"2 bridesmaid had to wear a pair of 7-inch stilettos that she couldn't walk in. It was an outdoor wedding and she was falling over all day.

-After seeing how much effort her bridesmaids were putting into her wedding, this bride booked appointments for all of us at an upscale spa. We bridesmaids had (perhaps naively) assumed that 'doing something special' for us meant that she was picking up the tab. Nope. Each of us had to drop a few hundred dollars on the day. I felt extremely awkward and incredibly broke.

-This bridezilla was way too compulsive about getting everything done way ahead of time. She talked to each of us in the bridal party at least 16 months in advance, even though we'd all been in weddings previously and knew the usual timeline for things. She wanted one bridesmaid to reschedule her law exams and fly in so she could watch the bride try on dresses 14 months before the wedding. And when we didn't respond to her phone calls or emails fast enough, she sent us FedEx letters overnight with her requests instead.

-Bridesmaids were required to camp in the bride's backyard the night after the wedding so that they could be up early to unwrap and sort through all the wedding gifts.

-My friend was a groomsman and the groom was a dick about the littlest stuff. For example, my friend has had a mohawk for years. The groom asked my friend to shave it off a week before the wedding or my friend couldn't be a groomsman anymore. My friend happily enjoyed the wedding as a guest.

-After receiving a text from the bridezilla insinuating that she was still waiting for her monetary gift, this wedding guest explained to the bride that her monetary gift would not be substantial as she had just lost her job and still had tuition to pay. When the bride responded with a text saying "Well it's still something instead of coming for free, ya know?" The guest sent her a typed-out letter with a penny taped to the top of it, stating "Here is your card. Now I did not go to your wedding for free... I hope that this helps you with your bills".

-In one wedding I was in, the bride insisted that we all get French manicures on our toenails -- with acrylics! Our toenails! Who'd even notice them in our long dresses?!

-My bridezilla friend told me I wasn't allowed to take pain medication for my lupus at her wedding because she was afraid I'd be "too out of it" to perform my Maid Of Honour duties.

-One of my bridesmaids asked my permission to cut and straighten her hair 2 months before the wedding. I was flabbergasted and told her she could do whatever she wanted. She was relieved and told me one of her friends made her bridesmaids sign a contract stating they could not gain or lose too much weight, or cut their hair without consulting the bride first.

-Imagine being kicked out of a bridal party for not being able to afford a trip to Vegas? That is exactly what this bridezilla threatened to do when she told her bridal party "If you can't contribute to the bachelorette or won't be able to afford a dress etc. then I don't have time to deal with that".

-She paid for all the bridesmaids dresses but mine, and ordered them late so I had to pay the rush fee too. I was the Maid Of Honour. Then she was mad at me the day of the wedding because my hair curled better then hers.

-My brother was annoying as a groom. His friends and I were supposed to plan his bachelor party, but he didn't like what we did for him. He took things into his own hands along with one of his douchebag friends and just went out to bars while we waited for him with what we had planned. Ever since then, he along with his wife and her cousin constantly bring up how he had a shitty bachelor party.

-One particular bride thought that after a full day of wedding bliss, veggies and dip would be sufficient enough for her guests. When they started leaving, she ran across the room in her dress and blocked the doors, saying how everyone was ruining her wedding and screaming "Bride's day, bride's way!"

-After suggesting that her bridal party send her a Google document outlining their caloric intake each day and demanding that they go on a water and rice cake diet to slim down. Right before the wedding, this bridezilla took mean to the next level when she told one of her bridesmaid to "wear a pashmina to cover her 'fat arms'".

Got a good bride being a Bridezilla story? Email me!

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Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party, Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.

A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the party. She realised that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while he was alone.

She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had sex.

She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She asked him "How was the party?" He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I never have much fun at these things alone". "Didn't you even dance?" she asked. "No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I lent my costume to had a ball, though..."

BIG BOOBS ARE AWESOME

BIG BOOBS

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise veterinarian" they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE - 21 APRIL 2016
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?"

The girl looks up at him and says "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?" The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away.

But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me" she says "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever played with my breasts or my pussy". So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again.

Again he hears sobs, which are now louder than ever, and this brings him back. "What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?" "Yes" she says "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been fucked".

So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

30 GIRLS WHO KNOW THEIR WAY AROUND A POOL TABLE

BILLIARD BABES

One day a very sick old man calls his doctor, his lawyer, and his accountant to his deathbed.

Old man: "I am giving you each an envelope containing $100,000 cash, my life savings. When I die, I want to take it all with me. As the three people I most trust, I want you to be the last three to file by my coffin at the funeral, each placing the money in the coffin".

Lo and behold the old man dies. The doctor, lawyer, and accountant file by the coffin, each placing an envelope, and the man is buried.

Some weeks later, the three meet at the golf course. The doctor calls the other two aside.

Doctor: "I have an admission to make. I needed $30,000 to pay for a new Mercedes, so I took what I needed out of the envelope, and I feel terrible about it!"

Accountant: "I also feel terrible. I needed $70,000 to pay for a new yacht, so I also took what I needed from the envelope".

Lawyer: "You two should be ashamed of yourselves, I'll have you know that I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the coffin".

ORSM VIDEO


And on that note...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They'll make you percolate harder than something that percolates really, really hard.
-Next update will be next Thursday and anywhere Thursday can be found.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will begin killing ex professional female wrestlers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.04.14-17.34
Boobies

Welcome to where you're supposed to be.

I've said it before and will definitely say it again but this update almost did not happen. I officially pulled the pin last night on the tail end of a 36 hours confined to bed. Can't remember the last time I missed an update due to illness or injury. It's been years if ever at all. Not sure what it was - either a nasty gastro thing or possibly Heath Ledger'ed myself with a bad reaction to ibuprofen. Wasn't pretty. Then this morning I woke up feeling 100% and dropped a fucking bomb. Before you know it there's a beautiful, bouncing baby update for you guys to enjoy. So let's go do that. Check it...

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I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired". "I'm washing my hair". "I've got a headache". "I'm your sister-in-law".
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I went to the movie theatre the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen" I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film". The man turned to me and said "Yeah, it is. He hated the book".
--
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss" said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday". "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel". "Indeed" said the man "but we would prefer you didn't lie on the dining room skylight".
--
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I had a terrible day" replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half". "I see" said his wife "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" Bob replied: "Wrong room".
--
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink on average 22 gallons of beer or wine a year. That means on average Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
--
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says. So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "FUCK!" shouts the voice...
--
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

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Guys Get ItTerrible Things Happen When A Girlfriend Asks Her Boyfriend To Buy Makeup - U Did WHAT?A Husband Confesses To A Very Disturbing Act In Darkly Comedic Short Film - Crazy MofoPossibly The Most Insane Act In The History Of Reality Television - Hipster QuizHow Hipster Are You? It's Time For You To Take This Hilarious Test And Find Out Once And For All - Whoaaaaa!Thirsty Dude Loses His Mind When Tinder Date Refuses To Have Sex With Him - Tough GuyIt's Good To See That The Old "Your Shoelace Is Untied" Gag Still Works. - Wild LezzersPlayful Blonde Lesbians With Big Tits - Skanky SkankSkanky Country Girl And Dopey Hood Rat Get Real Nasty. Either She's On Her Period Or She Just Can't Handle "The Nigger Dick". Either Way She's Not Bothered At All And Licks The Bloody Snickers Bar Clean. HOTT! - Epic CurvesThis Woman Became Famous After Ignoring Modeling Agency's Demands To Lose Weight

Stoner CopCop Smokes A Blunt With A Black Male - Rock HardBella Hadid Braless Rock Hard Pokies In Skin Tight Top - Shower TitsAngela White Getting Naked, Steamy And Soaped Up In The Shower? Yes, YES AND HELL YES!! - PerfectOlivia Rose Is Everything. - Suck ShitKid Breaks Douchebag On Wheels iPad - Snow BJThis Is What They Call An Alaskan Snow Job - Cookie ThiefBlack Woman Gets Caught Stealing Cookies At The Store - Too GoodDude With A Long Dick Goes Balls Deep In Her Tight Little Puss - Tiny CambabeTiny Brunette Striptease And Pussy Play - Cum All OverHow Hard Can It Be To Cum On These Giant Boobs? This Dude Manages To Miss Both Of Them.

Old Perv LOLIn Fairness, This Old Man Is Just Doing What Most People Would Do - OMG Stop!It's Pretty Standard Pornography Except That Every So Often Our Slightly Arabian Starlet Drops The Absolute Worst Middle Eastern Themed Dirty Talk The World Has Ever Seen. - Street ShagNope, No Fucks Given Just A Quickie. They Drive Up Park, And Just Gives Her The Worst Two Seconds Of Her Life. I Can't Say I Don't Envy Though She Looked Like One Hot Chick With Some Great Hips Legs And Ass Daaaaamn. - Sublime BodCharlotte McKinney's In GQ Mexico Is The Definition Of Out Of This World - Delinquent11 Years Old Boy Steals Cement Truck, Leads Police On Wild Chase - Epic CansCan You Imagine Her Wearing This At A Public Beach? She Doesn't Even Have To Get Topless For All Eyes To Be Fixed On Those Huge Titties! - She So FineHot Red Head Gets Filmed Being Fucked And Doesn't Know It. - Srsly HawtRita Ora Topless (Finally) For Lui Magazine - ChildishPanther's QB Cam Newton Gets Up During The Postgame Interview And Walks Out

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A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1... 2... 3... on and on he goes: 49.... 50.... 51.... He slows down somewhat: 83...... 84...... 85...... but he is still moving from one to the next and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head and says "I don't understand it! It went perfectly at practice this morning!"
--
The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes. When he entered he said to the Romanian president "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared". So the president answered "OK. I'll take care of it" left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch. The ambassador said "Thank you very much" said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them". "That's OK" said the president. "They did not notice".
--
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie. After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says "Can I smell your fanny?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says "Oh, it must be your feet then".
--
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".

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THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers" he said "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).
The sixth man now paid $2 instead of $3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid $5 instead of $7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid $9 instead of $12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid $14 instead of $18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid $49 instead of $59 (a 16% saving).
Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got $1 out of the $20 saving" declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10"

"Yes, that's right" exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved $1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I only got $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute" yelled the first four men in unison "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill.

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

AUSSIE GIRLS ARE IRRESISTABLE

AUSSIE GIRLS

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and eventually asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted up to the neck area.

The patient then asks "Wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i- t?" to which the doctor replies "Modern surgery can work miracles. We can replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear right after the operation!"

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains "Doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick, and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old dick back and live with stuttering for the rest of my life". The doctor then looks straight at the man and replies "d-d- de-deal's a d-d-deal".

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Two Polish hunters are out in the woods. They are lucky enough to bag a moose; a really big buck with a nice spread of antlers.

Flushed with satisfaction and eager to get their trophy home, they proceed to grab hold of the moose's tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull and pull but it won't budge.

Finally a fellow hunter comes by and says "Excuse me for offering some advice but you might find it easier to haul that thing by the horns". The two Polish hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the visitor heartily, they each grab an antler and start pulling.

A few hours later the fellow hunter passes by again and sees the two tired Polish hunters still at it, slowly but steadily pulling their moose by its horns through the woods.

"How's it going?" he asks. "Great!" they reply. "We only have one problem: we are getting farther and farther away from our car".

EMBARRASSED GIRLS THINK YOU'RE A PERV

EMBARRASSED GIRLS

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: "Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!" "No, no" says the bartender. "You've had too much already".

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what" he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?" "Sure" says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this" says the drunk. "That's a prize for such fine dart throwing" says the bartender. The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated... totally shitfaced.

"Bartender" he says. "Gimme a martini!" "No, no" says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home". Again the drunk notices the darts. "If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks. The bartender thinks "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him". "Sure, sure" he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow" says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. "What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a prize for being such a good shot". "Oh" says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar. "Gimme a martini!" he demands. "No, no" says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home".

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says "Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?" The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes. "Okay" he says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye! "Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a special prize for being so good at darts" says the bartender. "Oh" says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

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ORSM VIDEO: ENFORCEMENT EDITION

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A man was badly constipated, and had been for several weeks, so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories, and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.

When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, but he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one down, hoping that he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed: "What the hell are you doing? Swallowing them?" The man replied, sarcastically: "NO, I'M SHOVING THEM UP MY ASS!!"

36 CHUBBIES YOU WOULD HAPPILY BANG

CHUBBIES

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a local tribe there.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief got pregnant and eventually gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to pay a visit to the missionary.

"Father, my wife gave birth to a baby!" "Why, that's a very good news, Chief. Congrats" "But Father, it is a white boy!?"

The missionary thinks for some time and in a deep voice replies "Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways. The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white sheep".

The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment before he spoke "Okay Father, here's the deal. You tell no one, and I'll tell no one".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE - 14 APRIL 2016
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.

"Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you". "No. I'm not going to".

The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!"

The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that?"

The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window.

"Look, I don't care what you promise me, dad. I'm NOT riding in a Ford!"

CAMEL TOES: THE VERTICAL SMILE

CAMEL TOES: THE VERTICAL SMILE

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynaecologist'".

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Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're big and they're cheesy.
-Next update will be next Thursday as long as I'm in good health.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will drown your baby in a creek and make sure that you're blamed for it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.04.07-18.03
Boobies

Welcome to cock my suck.

I'm not sure how to write this in such a way that is doesn't make me sound old as fuck but basically we have new neighbours and they are pushing my buttons. They've moved in to the house behind ours. It's a rental. Tenants seem to last about a year and up until now we've never had a problem except for the occasional use of the upstairs window to peer into our backyard. Anyway the new guys are younger, probably early twenties. Every now and then the music gets cranked until late but close the door, turn up the TV and its bearable. Then a few weeks back they had a party. Lots of noise, laughs and revelry. Next morning I found cigarette butts scattered around our backyard. Not cool, cunts. Will be even less cool if our kid gets hold of one. I flicked them back over. Then on Friday was another party. Bigger one this time. Music cranking, it wakes the kid up a few times but they head out around midnight and all no harm done. Next morning, 5-fucking-30, they fire up again. No one wants to be woken up by grinding techno and some skanks incredibly annoying voice. Clearly this is a bender of the recreational variety and our backyard has again become a dumping ground - ciggie butts, champagne corks and even chewed gum have found their way over. Things continue throughout the day but quieter while they sit around the TV presumably chilling out/coming down. Saturday night... on again. Things get rowdy, assholes climbing over into neighbour's backyards, bottles breaking, before proceedings came to a sudden halt. Must've gone out again because didn't seem anyone would be sleeping soon. Sunday was complete silence.

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I'm torn by this. On one hand I want peace and quiet around my home [unless I'm having a party of course]. On the other hand, I spent years going to similar parties and had some of the most unforgettable experiences of my life. However now that I'm on the receiving end I wonder how many neighbours we deprived of sleep or inadvertently pissed off. This is just a big serve of karma and I'm left with few options other than to have some fun with it... and retaliate in kind. Firstly, next party, the most annoying song known to man will be played on loop up against the back fence. Then, when it appears they're sleeping, it'll be airhorn time. Lawnmower left running for a few hours is a possibility too. Beyond that ideas are welcome! Feel free to email me with your tactics suggestions.

Saturday's early start was segued into a reasonable amount of exercise. Returning home there was no one to be found. GF and co had headed south to visit family leaving me to do whatever. That meant fixing the neighbours brand new, recently installed [by me] home network. Coincidentally, "The wifi doesn't work" actually means "Had no idea the PS4 needs to be configured to use the LAN?" It also caused a series of cables to be run from the garage network hub, along the floor through the house, to an old router, then to the PS4. Only wish I'd taken a photo...

Next up was a garage project - screwed a whole bunch of hooks to the wall to hang a whole bunch of gardening tools to it. For the record, bought the hooks about a year ago. A lengthy bathroom siliconing session ensued. Been trying to get to that for just 16 months. Good to have ticked a couple more things off the to-do list... can't be many left now...?

I was on baby duty Sunday so we headed off to the farmers market before bailing to a proper went to the fruit and veg store because they have everything in one place - you don't have to go to 4 different stalls and line up to 4 different cashiers whilst managing an armful of stuff and a child. That night, thought it might be nice to pull my PS3 out for a play. It's been a while. Waited patiently for the controller to recharge, and sure enough, 10 minutes in, the game froze. Motherfucking laser died. Sigh.

Okay boys and girls let's move on with the update. Trying to sell you guys on how fucking amazing this one is would be like trying to convince people that Elton John is gay. Check it...

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Closest CallThis Near Miss Is Absolutely Heart Stopping. Not Sure How The Lady At The Side Of The Road Managed To Do It, But She Got Out Of The Way Of That Truck So Only Her Car Was Damaged. - SurvivalismWolf Boiler Hilariously Shows How To Become An International TV Survivalist Just Like Bear Grylls - STFU BitchDriver Trapped In Car Fire, Woman Helps By Repeating Four Words - Fish LoveFish Love - British Celebrities Are Stripping Off & Posing With Fish To Promote Sustainable Fishing - BrilliantThis Is How You Answer Your Door If You Want Salespeople To Stop Bothering You - ScarJo SexdollMan Builds A Creepy Lifelike Scarlett Johansson Robot For $50,000 In His Apartment - Warning!WARNING: Fast Food Workers Reveal The Food You Should Never Ever Order - ShockingUndercover Cop Shot 9 Times By His Own Support Team - Cums HARDShe Wanted To Play A Little And Have A Little Fun With Her Asshole, She Wanted Anal, But First Was Her Pussy, With Her Perfect Sweet Looking Lips Just Spread A Little, Just To Expose Her Sweet Clit And To Be Played With A Little. - Dirty WhoreSecurity Catches Masturbating Cam Whore

Epic MILFBusty Blonde Mom Fucks Her Sons Friend And Its DEEPLY Satisfying For All Involved - SensationalYoung Ariel Winter Camel Toe In White Bikini On The Beach - God Damn!Jessica Simpson In A Bikini Top And Daisy Dukes Is Absolutely Out-Fucking-Standing! - WT-Actual-FHe's Stumped At How Kinky She Is. I'm Stumped At Just How Messed Up This Is. - Aussie TitsSophie Monk Was A Big Deal For A While. She Was Always Being Talked About Because She Had Those Big Lips, With Huge Tits On A Skinny Body. 6 Years Later, She's Getting Topless And She Still Looks Good. - Huge IdiotLiberal Converts To Islam... Prepare Your Ears For This Complete And Utter Nonsense! - Srsly WOWChick With The Greatest Tits Ever Begs For Him To Cum Inside Of Her Mouth - Cringeworthy30 Images That Will Make You Facepalm And Cringe - 100 BestThe 100 Best Pre-Kill One-Liners - PervertHe sneaks up to a sunbathing girl who is in a deep sleep. He tries to wake her up with a cumshot on Her Hips Hoping She Is Impressed By Him, I Guess Not...

Tasty TeenThe Teenage Beauties Like This One, Barely Legal And Cute To That Extent That Even Their Bodies Look A Bit Surreal - So Hot And Sooooooo Sexy. - Had 2 HurtBiker Snaps His Neck When He Gets A Dirt Jump Horribly Wrong - Fuck SessionTeen Couple Film Themselves Fucking On Their Mom's Couch - TerrifyingWatch Pacman Frog Eat An Entire Mouse In One Bite - Hawt CambabeCrazy Colour Haired Teen Fingers Her Little Twat On Webcam - Ass-tonishingHoly Shit That Is Fucking Weird... What The Fuck Did She Eat? - Teen PerfectPaula Bulczynska Is A Long Torso Often Nude Instagram Model That People Are Into…For Obvious Reasons: She's Hot - Yoga BabeEllie Is A Busty Yoga Babe Who Is Looking Very Flexible While Getting Topless! Would Love To Practice Some Poses With Her... Wow! - See ThruJennifer Metcalfe Wet Nipples Through Her Bikini Top

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Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl... not on my watch.
--
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex". The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that... Dave was too tired!"
--
Husband's text message to wife: "Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Karen brought me to the Hospital and the doctors are presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Suffered a severe blow to my head but it might not have any lasting effects. A severe laceration to my back required 49 stitches to close, and I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture of the left leg. Amputation of the foot is a possibility. Love you..." Wife's Response: "Who the fuck is Karen?"
--
This priest was hearing a woman's confession when a drunk stumbled into the booth on the opposite side. As the priest was finishing with her he heard the drunk groaning as if in quite some pain. He slid open the other panel and asked "Are you ok?" All he heard was another groan. He asked again and the drunk finally replied "Yeah, I feel lots better. Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"

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EYE-OPENING TRUE STORIES OF MEDICAL MALPRACTICE

In a perfect world we would only ever be seen by doctors who are perfect but the reality is you're always going to get good people who make mistakes and, like every other industry, you're always going to get some who just suck at their job. These stories are the best of both worlds and all very much eye-opening...

-Not a big mistake but definitely awkward at the time. I was gluing up a laceration on a 14yo girls forehead. Anyone who has used derma bond before knows that stuff can be runny and bonds very quickly. I glued my glove to her face. Her mum was in the room, and I had to turn to her and say "I'm sorry, I've just glued my glove to her face".

-In 1999, a New York City surgeon carved his initials (a large AZ) into the belly of a patient after he performed a Caesarean section. More than two dozen complaints describing the doctor as "dangerous" and "weird" had been made by patients and fellow practitioners in the years before the incident.

-A doctor tried to put an Ilizarov fixator on me, for limb lengthening, without proper knowledge or experience. He damaged the growth cartilage, dislodged my fibula and destroyed my ankle. I had to get 20+ more surgeries to fix his error. The initial procedure was something that another experienced doctor would've done in two minor surgeries over the course of 6 months. I was 2 years old when he botched the surgery, 18 when I finally finished the reconstructions.

-In 2010, a nurse injected herself with a painkiller meant for a patient who was being prepped for kidney stone surgery. While filling herself full of meds, she advised the distraught guy to "man up" and to "go to your happy place".

-Heard of a pharmacist who filled a fentanyl patch incorrectly and the dose was so high that the patient went into severe respiratory depression and died. They're still practicing.

-In 2000, a surgeon left in the middle of surgery to run to the bank. He told his stunned OR team that he'd be back in about five minutes. He returned 35 minutes later.

-I missed a gunshot wound once. A guy was dumped off at the ER covered in blood after a rap concert. We were all focused on a gunshot wound with an arterial bleed that was distracting. The nurse placed the blood pressure cuff over the gunshot wound on the arm. We all missed it because the blood pressure cuff slowed the bleeding. I was doing the secondary assessment when we rolled the patient, and I still missed it. We didn't find it till the chest x-ray. The bullet came of rest in the posterior portion of the thoracic wall without significant trauma to major organs. The patient lived. But I still feel like I fucked up big time.

-After being handed a device that wasn't working properly during a complicated operation, the crankypants surgeon lost her cool. During her tirade, the doc slammed the device down, accidentally breaking a technician's finger.

-Pathologist here. Biggest mistake I ever made was cutting myself during an autopsy on an HIV patient. Lucky for me, I did not acquire the virus, so everything had a happy ending. For me, anyway. That guy was still dead.

-In 2009, a Texas doctor persuaded a county sheriff to go after two nurses who had accused him of unethical practices. Those unethical practices included using his office to run an herbal remedies business.

-My mom is a retired ob/gyn and told me about a time early on in her career when she almost ruined the operation. She was performing a c-section and she dropped her scalpel on the floor. Before she could think, she blurted out "oh shit" as a reaction. The mother, thinking something was wrong with the baby, started panicking. It took a team of nurses, the husband, and the mother of the patient to calm her down.

-An Ann Arbor paediatrician was charged with looking out of the window of his home and watching his neighbour, a 12-year-old girl, change her clothes. The girl was a patient of the doctor since birth.

-I'm a nurse, but I was working in the ER when a guy came in for a scratch on his neck and "feeling drowsy". We start the usual workups and this dude's blood pressure TANKED. We scrambled, but he was dead within 10 minutes of walking through the door. Turns out the "scratch" was an exit wound of a .22 calibre rifle round. The guy didn't even know he'd been shot. When the coroner's report came back, we found that he'd been shot in the leg and the bullet tracked through his torso shredding everything in between. There was really nothing we could've done, but that was a serious "what the fuck just happened" moment.

-Then there was the time a New Jersey med student presented his girlfriend with the hand of a cadaver that was scheduled to be cremated. The severed appendage was later found sitting in a jar in her apartment; coincidentally an exotic dancer.

-Worked with a pharmacist when I was still a tech who filled a script for Prozac solution (concentrated it is 20mg per mL. Average adult dose is 20 mg.) Instead of 1 mL once daily he filled it for one teaspoonful (5 mL). The child got serotonin syndrome and almost died. He is no longer working to my knowledge.

-My dad took a brain home once. He was a pathologist. He also got drunk at work a lot.

-In 2000, a doctor reportedly attacked his pregnant mistress with a syringe, reportedly shouting "I am going to give you an abortion!" Afterward, the MD still had the presence of mind to deposit the empty syringe into a medical waste container at a nearby hospital.

-I have seen a physician kill a patient by puncturing their heart while placing a pleural chest tube. It was basically a freak thing as apparently the patient had recently had cardiothoracic surgery and the heart adhered within the cavity at an odd position. I'll never forget the look on his face when he came to the realization of what had happened. You rarely see people accidentally kill someone in such a direct way. Heartbreaking.

Sources: here and here.

33 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS MASTURBATING THEMSELVES

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Three guys are travelling across the country. Their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, so they get out and start walking. They come across this farm, so they go up, knock on the door, and the farmer comes to the door and they explain their predicament to him. The farmer says he will drive them into town tomorrow, but they will have to wait until the morning, because everything in town is closed at this late hour. The farmer then offers them food, and lets them sleep in the garage.

Before they go to sleep, the farmer comes out and tells them "My daughter is a nymphomaniac. If I hear any one of you even thinking about fucking her, I will blow your brains out". The farmer then leaves and goes to bed.

About 2am one of the guys wakes up. The temptation is too great for him. He goes into the house and walks slowly up the stairs. About half way up the stairs, he hits a loose board. *CREAK!* Immediately the farmer wakes up.

"Who's there!?" the farmer cries. The first guy doesn't make a sound. Then he has an idea! "Meow... Meooow..." Pretty soon, the farmer goes back to sleep, the guy finishes climbing the stairs, and fucks the daughter until his heart's content. He then goes back to the barn, completely satisfied.

The second guy looks at him and says "Well?" "Oh, man. She was awesome. Best I ever had". So the second guy starts heading toward the house. The first guy says "By the way, if you hit the loose stair, just pretend you're a pussycat".

So, as the second guy climbs the stairs... *CREAK!* "Who's there!?!" "Meow... Meeeeeow..." and fucks til his heart's content.

When he gets back to the barn, the third guy looks over and says... "Well?" "Awesome. Best I've ever had".

So the third guy decides he will take his shot at the farmer's nymphomaniac. He goes into the house, and creeps slowly up the stairs. *CREAK!* "Who's there?!? Who is it?"

In a very low, meek voice, the third guy says... "it's just a little pussycat!".

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating" her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear... both of them are Daddy Longlegs".

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well" she said "We're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden!"

30 RIDICULOUSLY HOT GIRLS *WITH* FRECKLES

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STORIES OF MEDICAL MALPRACTICE

-I'm a nurse. I've given an anticoagulant (blood thinner) to the wrong patient. Over the next day his red blood count dropped. He ended up in ICU.

-In 2010, a med student posted a photo on Facebook of a classmate posing next to a dead body during an anatomy class, smiling and giving a thumbs-up sign.

-My first day as a camp nurse for people with intellectual disabilities I gave 9 pills to the wrong guest. I didn't know who I was looking for and asked my friend to send out the guest. His hypochondriac roommate walks out, tells me he is the person I'm looking for, I asked my friend for confirmation who THOUGHT the correct person had come to me and confirmed from afar that it was, and I administered the meds. He had a LOT of drug allergies. Stomach dropped when the actual person I was looking for came out 12 seconds later. We called poison control and most of the pills were vitamins and the ones that weren't were either similar to ones the guy was already taking, or in therapeutic low-dose form. He was fine and still continued to ask for everyone else's pills at all times.

-Dentist here. I was performing a simple extraction and preparing for the case when I didn't realise that I had the x-ray flipped the wrong way the whole time. I was viewing the film backwards, and pulled out the wrong tooth. When I realized my mistake I started freaking out, only to find out that by some dumb luck, the tooth I extracted had to go as well.  This happened in dental school, so safe to say it was a learning experience.

-Two Wisconsin nurses were fired in 2009 after taking snaps of an X-ray showing an object lodged in a patient's rectum then posting them to Facebook. Apparently the nurses took the photos after learning that said object was a 'sexual device'.

-My friend who did internal med missed diagnosed a woman a simple case of splenitis. Turned out she had an ectopic pregnancy. When he found out it was already too late, she bled to death internally.

-I'm in the military and began to develop high blood pressure. On-base doctor insisted I needed medication to control it so he wrote a prescription. I hadn't seen this doc before and seemed a bit... off. Anyways, I walk down to the pharmacy area and the pharmacy tech asks for my ID, looks up the order, and asks me some basic questions. I told her I was allergic to penicillin and sulfa. The prescription was for Hyzaar. Hyzaar specifically has side effects for those with allergies to penicillin or sulfa. The tech actually said out loud "What in the actual fuck!" She calls the doctor and starts chewing his ass. He's arguing back with her, and then she says "Your pill popping is fucking over. You could have killed this patient today because you're always too high to know what's going on around you. I'm going to the wing commander over this". It's brought before an ethics board and a court-martial. Seems he was 'trading scripts' with other doctors in the area for pain pills, was high nearly every waking moment. He received a sentence of over 1 year.

-In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.

-My brother is a surgeon, and during part of his residency, he had to work in the paediatric unit. He was working with two newborns. One was getting much better and fighting for life. He was going to make it just fine. The other baby was hours from death. He wasn't going to make it. My brother was in charge of informing the families. My brother realised about 15 minutes later that he had mixed up the families. He told the family with the healthy baby that their baby wasn't going to make it, and he told the family with the dying baby that their baby was going to be just fine. He then had to go back out to the families and explain the situation to them. Devastating.

-I got appendicitis when I was 10 so after some time, they performed the surgery and about a week later, I left the hospital. 3 months later, I was getting stomach pains again. Later that day, I started eating lunch, and the pains got really bad so my parents and I went back to the hospital. Turns out the doctor messed up and only took out a portion of the appendix which still left a chance of it bursting.

-On this one sad day this nurse was giving a medicine that didn't really require any specific infusion time to a new mother so she just set the pump to full throttle, let the meds run and left. Fast-forward and the lady now had to have Heparin [blood thinner]. The nurse put it in and didn't change the IV setting. So now Heparin is flowing in this lady full throttle at whatever the highest rate an IV pump will go. She left without catching it. A short time later the husband came out screaming something was terribly wrong but she was already dead. They said her abdomen was swollen like she was pregnant again from blood just pooling there.

-Emergency physician diagnosed me with an STD after one of my testicles started swelling and I was peeing blood. The guy didn't even give me a specific STD, but it was very distressing and hurt the relationship I was in at the time as I incorrectly accused my girlfriend of cheating. Went to see my physician, turns out it was a simple urinary infection and I just needed antibacterial...

-Doctor told my sister her breathing problems were due to allergies, 3 days later she's being flown to a hospital due to respiratory failure.

-Happened to me when I was in an Intensive Care Unit after having major bowel surgery. Was put on a drip as I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for a couple of weeks, but god I was thirsty for a couple of days. They had set the drip at a rate instead of 200mls an hour to 2mls an hour. It was only my constant whining that made them finally realise something wasn't right.

-I saw a patient once for abdominal pain. She had had an IUD placed back in the 70's; a dalkon shield. Upon follow up, the gyn couldn't find the string so he told her she must have passed it. Well guess what? She passed in alright. We found it in the retroperitoneal space near her right kidney 17 years later!! She wanted to sue him but he had retired.

-My parents are nurses. They knew a doc who'd been on a 36 hour shift. Patient came in with a punctured lung and the doc had to collapse the lung to fix it. Through tiredness he collapsed the wrong lung, and the patient died. Doc ended up killing himself after being fired.

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There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally when he said "Jump!" the frog would jump high in the air. He thought it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.

He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said "jump". It jumped and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None".

Then he cut one of the legs of the frog and said jump. It jumped to a height of 10 inches. Inference: None.

Then he cut the next leg, and measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height jumped was only 5 inches. Then he cut one more leg and the frog now had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg. Again the inference was none.

Then he cut the last leg of the frog and said "jump!" It didn't move at all. He wrote his inference in the note book: "When all four legs are removed, frogs go deaf".

33 CURVY GIRLS WHOSE HIPS DON'T LIE

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There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said "Bartender, are you a betting man?" The bartender replied "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a betting man!" To which the man said "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye".

The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said "Bartender, are you still a betting man?" The bartender replied "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a betting man!" To which the man said "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye".

Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said "Bartender, are you still a betting man?" The bartender said, although with a little caution this time "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a betting man!" To which the man said "Give me a shot of whiskey". The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop".

Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! "Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and piss flew everywhere in every direction! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked.

When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man "Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any possible way to do it??"

The man just smiled and told him "You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!"

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A rabbit and a snake, both blind from birth, happen to meet in the forest one day. They get to talking and the rabbit asks the snake "Would you mind running your hands over my body and telling me what kind of an animal I am? I'm too embarrassed to ask my near-sighted friends because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me".

The snake says "Okay" and proceeds to wind himself around the rabbit from one end to the other, then back again. "Well" the snake says "You're kind of warm with real soft fur and you have two very long, fury ears".

The rabbit thinks about that for a moment and then exclaims "WOW! I must be a bunny!" and he hops around and hops around and starts hopping away.

"Wait!" shouts the snake "What about me? Come back here and do the same thing for me!" The rabbit hops over and with his fury little paws, pats the snake from one end to the other and then back again. He sits down without saying a word.

"Well?" asks the snake "What kind of animal am I?" "I'm not really sure" says the rabbit. "You're kind of cold and slimy, and for the life of me, I can't tell your head from your ass".

The snake thinks and thinks about this, then exclaims "WOW! I must be a lawyer!"

NAKED GIRLS ON BIKES IS THE BEST USE OF 2 WHEELS

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Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says "When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?" "Why, yes I did".

"And did you use my name?" "Why, yes how did you know?" "Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

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