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August 2002...
 
orsmupdate 2002.08.27-9.58
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Welcome back to Orsm.net for another fat update packed full of natural goodness.

I'm happy to announce that this week sees the return of an old favourite. What I am talking about is the Priceless pics. Most of you will recall that a few months back corporate bully boys from MasterCard got a little upset at the parody of their 'Priceless' advertising campaign claiming copyright violations. What a crock of shit. Can anyone say parody? Anyways, they put the squeeze on my host who basically shat themselves and ordered me to take the pics down.

Now, with the help of you guys, the pics are back online - albeit under a slightly different guise. If MasterCard wants to claim they own the word 'Priceless' then unfortunately there's not too much I can do about that, however I don't think they own the word 'Prycless'...

Prycless? Same meaning different spelling. Now if that doesn't clearly identify that what you will find on my site is a parody then I have no idea what will. Click here to read more on parodies...

I should also take this oppurtunity to thank all of you who helped edit the pics. With around 640 of them needing to be 'fixed' it would have taken me months to get through them all by myself. I also received a tonne of legal advice which was extremely beneficial in figuring out where I stood and what to do next. You guys rock.

Anyways, enough babbling about that for the time being - you can find the all new Prycless Pics here.


click here for more

While I think of it I should also let you guys know that the Korean soccer supporter pics that I posted last week weren't exactly all they were cracked up to be. Basically, if you had a wank over the chick in the pictures then you actually had a wank over a guy! Read all about it here you sicko. And as promised you can find ALL of the World Cup supporter pics in one big gallery right here.

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: *Over it*

Besides all that there's been very little going on. I bought The Sopranos series 1 on DVD last week and spent Sunday trying to get through them all. Didn't make it - fell asleep with 2 episodes still to watch. That show is SO addictive. I'll be purchasing series 2 this week hopefully unless someone is feeling generous and wants to wishlist it for me - even better.

I'm pretty much up for some suggestions of what you guys wanna see more of around the site. I need some sort of new big project that will help me whittle away the lonesome hours parked in front of the computer and what better way to come up with an idea than to ask you guys right? After all I probably wouldn't bother with this thing if you guys didn't keep coming back. Some of the idea's I've had that spring to mind include:

  • Mini music community for up and coming bands to post a bio and some of their mp3's.
  • A Top 50 sites list [although I aren't too keen on this idea].
  • An advice collumn where people write in for advice on shit.

The list goes on. If you have anything you think Orsm.net is lacking then drop me an email and let me know. I was also contemplating having feature articles written by you guys about whatever it is you like. If you are wanna do some writing for the site then let me know and we'll work shit out.

As always - for those of you who possess the ability to read...

Soap Me Up - Deep Thoughts - Penis Van Lesbian - Beer Scooter - Scooby Doo

Oh yeah... check out the best Flash site I have ever seen - SamothrakiDanceFestival.com

Have you signed up for the Orsm.net Newsletter yet? Each and every damn week you receieve an email from me linking to porn and other bits and pieces buried deep inside the Pornchive. Quite simple really. The only catch is that you have to be on the list to get access to it all so if you are interested just fill in your details in the little pop-up window you would have got when you loaded this page.

click here for more

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" says the rich guy. "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the cunt that pushed me in."

--------------------------------------------

I'm pretty close to having the necessary funds to do the Holly shoot BUT a little more help is still required by you guys! If you don't know what I am on about, Holly [pictured left] emailed me aaaages ago offering to do a shoot exclusively for the site. Woohoo...

I'm in the process of trying to get it all organised so, so long as I can get the $$$ together we'll be seeing more Holly on the site.

... now click the damn links below and go check out these great sites!

- Fling Babes -

Fun with Flash...

You Cant Spell - Pull-O-Meter - Nelly - Kick My Dog - Chow Mein - Five Fingers - Stair Dismount

There was this parrot that lived in a monastery and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when the old monk passed by the parrot screamed, "Fuck You!"

Angry, the monk grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When he was released, the tropical bird swore that he would never do it again.

A couple of days had passed, the bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to curse at a group of monks passing by. Embarrassed in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved the bird in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When he was released, the bird swore that he had really learned his lesson.

A week later, the monk walked up to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk said that a high priest was coming for a visit and the bird ought to be on his best behaviour. The parrot agreed. But when the parrot saw the high-priest with a shining bald head, the bird had to make a comment, "Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You! Fuck You!"

The monk rushed forward and shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later he was released.

"Well, have you truly learned your lesson?" asked the monk.

"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded the frozen bird.

"Of course." said the monk.

"WWWhat the fuckin' HELL did the turkey do to have to stay there for so long?"

click here for more

A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."

He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."

click here for more

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes, how did you figure that out?" The girl says "Easy! You keep washing your hands!"

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, he says "Yes, I sure am a great dentist - How did you figure that out??" The girl says "Easy! I didn't feel a thing!"

click here for more

A man has three sons and he gives them each a duck to go and sell. After about 5 hours the three boys return, and the father asks how they went.

The first boy says "I got 20 bucks for my duck" "that's great" the father replies.

The second boy says " I got 50 bucks for mine" "that's even better" says the father.

Then the third boy says "well I got 100 bucks for mine" and the father says "fucking hell how did you get that much?"

"Well" replies the boy "I was walking down the street and I came across a prostitute and she said that she would give me a fuck for the duck. When we were done she said I was so good that she would give me the duck back for another root. After we were done I was walking down the street and the duck jumped out of my hands and run onto the road, and SPLAT it got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and said he was real sorry and gave me 100 bucks for killing the duck. So I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 100 bucks for a fucked up duck."

ORSM VIDEO

An aboriginal walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The aboriginal said "Nah, you're tellin' me bullshit!!!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you fuckin' started it!"

click here for more

It's entirely possible that blondes really do have more fun...

Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana

Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

click here for more

Mail mail mail... there's been so much email flowing in lately it can probably only be described as an absolute fuckin shit load. Always muchly appreciated too so if you've got something to say then click here and start your typing.

Daniel wrote:
Subject: Rats on your site (Rat Pics)

Greets! Hey, you had some pics of some kids playing with a bunch of rats on your latest site update. You said you didn't know what the fuck it was about, so I'll let ya know, though the truth is just as disgusting as the pictures. There is a specific Hindu cult in India which believe that the souls from a local tribe inhabit the rats until their rebirth. The temple is called Karni Mata and is located in the Indian state of Rajasthan. Not only do they praise and worship the rats, they take time to feed them, and it is considered a sacred and holy thing to do to let the rats crawl on you, and drink from their milk. The ground is littered with rat feces and of course, this gets in the milk too. It's nasty as hell... Anyhow, need more info, you can check this link. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/020625/5/n9kj.html Or just do a search on Google for India Rat Cult.

Tommy wrote:
Subject: Poor Bastard.

It's pretty bad showing your hairy naked body to 80,000 people on a cold winters night. It gets worse still when your shananigans are broadcast on national TV. It gets really bad when you cop a $600 fine for the stunt. It's the final straw when newspapers publish your photo and digitally alter it to look like you have no penis. Poor Bastard. BTW, whats your real name?

click to enlarge
JIMMIE HINCHEY wrote:
Subject: <no subject>

This is in response to MPodstupka. If you dont like the content on this page, let me tell you how it works. Its just like your fuckin TV, you dumb shit, change the channel and go somplace else and stop complaining about what you dont like because there are plenty of people who have different opinions than you and like this page and what this gentleman does. People like you that seem so narrow minded as to think all of the human race should like what you do and nothing else makes me want to fuckin puke, you narrow minded piece of shit. Go fuck yourself!!!!!!!!!
click to enlarge
djT wrote:
Subject: www.savekaryn.com - what a load of shite.

Hi There, I saw the save karyn site and agreed that it was a load of shite. If she were not female, i would be inclined to refer to her as a wanker. check out this better site: www.dontsavekaryn.com. I attatched a picture of my ex-girlfriends tits as well. Its a bit wobbly cos my other hand was not on the camera ;o)

David Fishlock wrote:
Subject: porn lotsa porn

how about some pics of some girl next door types? and how about some burnout Vids of ur fav cars. anyways i got busted on the weekend and after the union match went driving my car to get food. After having a coupla tooheys extra dry.and being wet decided to slide around corners. and after sliding round the corner into the southlakes hungry jacks carpark and again into teh drive thru. i finished given my order and was lectured by a off duty piggy. as i was nearly drunk all i could think off was fuk and when he said wat if u hit my kids. i thought mate ur a great parents if your kids are out walking the streets on a night like this.

Haha been there done that. I seem to remember being drunk off my tits at Cam's 21st a few years back and getting yelled at by an off duty cop for doing some 'circle work' in the gravel car park at Hillary's Yatch Club. Whoops...

Serge Cooreman wrote:
Subject: boobs

she wouldn't let me write your name on them this time! remember I was 1 of the first ones to post this kind of mail. take care Mr Orsm

The originals that Serge is referring to are here and here. Nothing beats getting boobies in the email. Nothing. Make my day and submit yours here!

click to enlarge

Daniel Rowley wrote:
Subject: orsm.............my otha!

Dear Mr Orsm, I stumbled arcross you website around 9 months ago (fucked if I really know when) and found it one of the greatest sites I've ever visited. On the odd Friday and Saturday night's the boys will be in for a few drinks before we hit the town. They'll asked if I've recieved any fucked up emails that are worth a look. I too have been suffering for a seroius lack of quality email lately. It's always good to know that I have the orsm 'Trump Card' up my sleave to impress the masses when I'm cought in a jam. I totally understand how you feel being naged and abused for lack of updates. If I show these guys a repeat of old material they can turn real ugly real fast. Then, to them, I'm no longer they guy with the coolest or most fucked up emails,downloads or pic's going round. You've helped me maintain that tital. So thanks for the fresh outlooks, thanks for the free porn, thanks for random shit and thanks for Priceless when you had it running. Fuck em' champ (Mastercard). The simple problem with this bunch of Advertising exec's is that they let a half assed advertising idea hit the market. You've come along and shown the world how truely wonderfull it can be and they look like dicknoses. If I was running the show over there I'd try to get you offering mastercard from your site with orsm logo's, like those gay rugby league cards they do now, cut you a commision on each one. You'd have Holly there in no time???? That most likely the same reason why I'm not running the show and uhmmmmmm never will be. Hats of to you tiger. Keep it coming and we'll keep reading. Dan.

Click for more awesomeness

Worth-A-Surf is with out a doubt these fine sites...

This Is True - Wonder Girl - Spaff - Blind Fly - Site 73 - Skinny Pimp - Silver Fusion - Extra Mask

Bob From Accounting - Mental Ernie - Porn Pointer - Sleepathon - Bitch Wresting - Big Ghey Site - Bond & Birds

Webmasters: if you want your site linked then check this. Also if you have an 88x31 pixel button then drop me an email with the button attached and your website url and i'll add your site to the rotation thingy.

--------------------------------------------

I can't quite figure out what the fuck it is that's going on here...

click here for more

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest, along with three boy scouts are in a plane that is going to crash. Well, there are only three parachutes total. The doctor says, "Let the kids have 'em.

The lawyer replies, "Fuck the kids." The Priest says, "Do we have time?"

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I think this brings a whole new light to fuckin someone to death...

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's disease!"

click here for more

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders

click here for more

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

click here for more

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

Click for more awesomeness
click here for more

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

click here for more

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn parking officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!! So I called him a horse fucker.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a fuck - my car was parked around the corner...

click here for more

10 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

--------------------------------------------

I've said it before - my shite doesn't stink! Random Shite...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Axe." The little boy then said, "OUCH!!! Smacked right in the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't that hurt?"

click here for more

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.

The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

click here for more

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

ORSM VIDEO

On that note - I'm outta here. Make sure you tune back in soon for more of the same and even a bit of the different...!!

In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign up for the Porn-chive! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.08.15-12.14p

Welcome back to Orsm.net for another massive update. As a matter of fact this may be the biggest update yet or ever OR even yet AND ever. Who knows...

Anyways, now that I am past writing that first line; the line I always find hardest to write; the line that I need to sit here and think about for at least 10 mins each time I do an update - why don't I just continue on with writing some more lines...??

Despite the fact you guys will notice probably very little difference - I've spent a few days going through the site archives tidying shit up. This is where trying to live my life as a perfectionist [my friends would say obsessive compulsive...] can get annoying because a quick tidy ends up with me going through EVERY single page of the site just so they all look EXACTLY the same. What a huge job that turned out to be let me tell ya. Nonetheless you may or may not notice pages loading SLIGHTLY quicker and text formatted properly now. Pedantic I know.

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: You may be easy to like but you are even easier to dislike...

I hope all of you who have signed up for the Porn-chive enjoyed the first mail out. I was just happy to see the server didn't shit itself as I thought it may. The feedback I have received has been all good too so happy I am. All I can say is I TOLD YA'S SO!!! If you haven't signed up yet then enter your details into the pop up window you got when you loaded this page and strap yourself in for a weekly dose of more free shit than you can poke a dick at! Oh yeah... I give you the spam free guarantee too!

I was actually going to comment on how fucked I thought the new legislation banning car manufacturers from advertising their cars driving fast or doing burnouts and the like is a totally pathetic waste of time BUT after seeing a young guy actually manage to flip his car and cut a power pole in half just a few metres from my house on Saturday afternoon - maybe it isnt such a bad idea. I was out the front having a cigarette at the time and heard him go through the round about [fuckin fast] slide... crunch... bang... smash...

After coming around the corner I was suprised to see him being pulled out of the car alive and with barely a scratch on him and considering how busy the street is it's just as amazing that he didn't take anyone else out. The worst part of it is that he trashed his brand new V8 Holden Ute and [from what I heard his dad say] he was very much uninsured! Goodbye $30k I guess. We were pretty quick with the camera so I'll post the pics when they've been developed.

By the way - I've added 15 new clips to the Priceless Vids section. Some pretty cool ones there too. The latest and greatest start here. And as always Orsm.net takes care of those of you who are 'here just for the articles...'

The Good Wife Guide - Feng Shite - Remember When - Corporate

--------------------------------------------

click here for more

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

click here for more

The pics of the world cup soccer supporters seem to just keep on flowing in. Not such a bad thing - eye candy os where it's at! I'll be posting ALL of them next week in one huge gallery.

Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans

Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans - Korean Fans

Click for more awesomeness

A guy and his girl are walking home from the bar one night and start screwing up against a fence.

Suddenly the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.

The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay for that!"

The guy says to his girl, "What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost?"

"Why should I pay?" says his girl. "I was pushing the other way!"

Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana

Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana - Alana

click here for more
TOLL GATE BOOTH PASTE

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."

click here for more

ORSM VIDEO

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Click for more awesomeness
click here for more

AUSTRALIAN POETRY

The finals of the Australian poetry contest last year (2001) came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist was a bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.

The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."

The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

ORSM VIDEO

What you will find here is a bloody funny clip of Robin Williams taking the piss out of the Scottish and how Golf was invented...

- Robin Williams: Golf -

What the fuck this shit is about I have no idea but it look unhygienic as all hell...

WORTH A SURF
If you want you site linked then read this! Almost forgot - if you have an 88 x 31px button for your site then drop me an email with the button and your site url included. I'll be adding them to a mini banner rotation which will be displayed around the site. Anyways, linkage goes out to my bitches at the following sites...

Major Losers - Orange Movies - Hole In The Net - Burnouts Unlimited - Fucker - Profrec - Silver Fusion

Driven By Boredom - Blind Fly - Hyped Up - Satin And Sex - Drew Skillz - Nick On The Go - Titan

--------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

click here for more

FALL DOWN DRUNK

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

click here for more

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fix-it Service and they arrived shortly after.

The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The man replies, "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

click here for more

So so so much mail this week... No complaints from me though - I asked for it and it's always welcome around here. Got something to say? Drop me a line!

Dannetta wrote:
Subject: You
My husband and I would like to see a picture of you as this is one of our favorite sights and we would like to know who is the mastermind behind it all. Thanks, Dannetta

Rocky wrote:
Subject: Top Bollocks!
Dear Mr.Orsm, No that's too formal.... Hello Mate, Just a quick line to say that I think your site is the BOLLOCKS, Top Bollocks in fact, absolutely fucking brilliant. In fact it's the closest I've come to having sex since New years eve 2001. Ha Ha, that'll be changing soon though 'cos now I've had 'the snip' my wife can't refuse, can she?? Tell you what mate, they came up like cricket balls, pity they wouldn't stay that size but alas, all good things come to an end. Anyway, off to check out this weeks update.

J. Duke wrote:
Subject: funny shit.
two weeks ago I was out with my friends and we end up in one these "high class" night clubs. after a while I spot this pretty nice looking two legged blond. with out giving any though about it I charge to her and introduce my self as a delfin caretaker in the zoo. imagine how much bullshit I made up about delfins that night :) this turned out to be a great icebreaker because later that night I took her home...women are easy!

Equinox wrote:
Subject: Heres a Bloody Email
I just took a shit job at Bob Evans Restaurant here in WV. You ever had to clean up a public bathroom before? First day on the job, some jackass took a shit in the urinal and I got to move said shit from urinal to toilet, where it was promtly clogged up... and tehn they sent me to the womens restroom to clean out the tampon trashcans beside the toilets. Bloody..... I quit yesterday... just thgouth that might be an interesting email...

MPodstupka wrote:
Subject: comment from visitor
I am sorry if you guys believe that 'women of all nations' is something funny. It doesn't seem to me like that at all. It shows white ladies as some fancy babes and other ethnicies as beasts or perverts. So, instead of fun, it looks like pure racism to me.I've been used to the lil weird kind of fun presented on your pages, but i don't think i could ever like and agree with that degrading and dumb content.
probably your EX visitor,
unfortunatelly,

click here for more
SUCTION

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C!" "Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits!" "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

click here for more

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or air conditioner.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman- Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half (OR ALL) your stuff!!!!!!


ORSM VIDEO

If you're a parent and sometimes find yourself wondering what it is that your little munchkins get up to whilst away on spring break, this vid is sure to inform...

- Spring Break: Pussy Shave -

PORN SCORE

A starving songwriter/composer in Hollywood is approached by a movie producer an offered $10,000 to write a soundtrack for a movie. The musician asked what kind of movie however the producer is evasive and said it was just a romance of sorts and that the sound track needed to be about an hour long but he wasn't too picky as long as it sounded ok.

After he delivers the soundtrack to the producer he is disgusted to find out that he has just written the score to a porno film.

About 6 months later the movie comes out at the local porno theatre and the composer decides what the hell and he'll go see it. He dresses up in a long raincoat and hat with dark glasses and sneaks into the theatre. He notices that there is a couple close to him who keeps looking at him. He says to them, hey I'm really not a pervert it's just I'm a composer and this producer asked me to write a score for him and he didn't tell me it was a porno movie.

They turned to him and said, "Think nothing of it; we're just here to see our dog!"

click here for more

It is important to find a woman who can cook well and clean the house.

It is important to find a woman who makes lots of money.

It is important to find a woman who enjoys sex.

It is VERY VERY important that these 3 women never meet each other!!!

click here for more

KELLE MARIE

Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

It has been reported that the Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday. The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of the Australian Governments "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from the Balga area. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Aboriginal youth in the Balga area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment where as Ferrari's Existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races are won & lost in the pits; Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, while during the Crews first practice session; not only were the ‘Balga Boyz' able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had signed the vehicle over to the McLaren Team. Mclaren was rumoured to have paid the record sum of a litre of high octane petrol.

The Aboriginal community commented that the acquired petrol will go down a treat during the next corrobery.

WHEN STARS WERE YOUNG

click here for more

I'VE LEARNED...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect and teach your children the right way, they will eventually be corrupted by some other bastard's kid.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never fuck off.

I'm not too sure if you guy's like it when I post this sort of stuff but I aint going to stop because I like it! Now sit back and marvel at the beauty of Mother Nature...

click here for more

Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural

Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural - Natural

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

--------------------------------------------

This is just getting ridiculous. Looks like 'the Filth' have now taken to hiding speed cameras in wheely bins. I ask you - how the fuck are you meant to be able to show massive disregard for road rules in normal suburban streets anymore?

USEFULL PHRASES FOR THE OFFICE

- I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter
- Your idea seems reasonable... time to up my medication.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
- Thankyou - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I'm really easy to get along well with once you people learn to worship me.

click here for more

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING...

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot. Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Okay I admit that as I scrolled down the email with these pics attached I had no idea that I would have a little [dangling] suprise waiting for me at the bottom... I was actually quite impressed until I hit the last one. Why do these fags feel the need to do this anyways?

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY NATHAN!"

--------------------------------------------

I wont even bother introducing Random Shite this week. Why not? Because we all know it's the only shite that doesnt stink...

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

TAKE THAT BITCH!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

ORSM VIDEO

Well I am completely rooted. You guys have no idea how many hours have gone into this damn update but I do actually feel like I have achieved something so all good then. I dare say I'll be back next week with more of the same so check back soon!

In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign up for the Porn-chive! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.08.06-20.34
click here for more

As it's a nothing Tuesday afternoon/evening and I am feeling particuarly bored I thought I would do a quick update. Doubt there will be too many complaints but I know how some of you get so whatever I guess.

By now you guys have probably noticed the pop up that you get when you load the site. If you just closed it in disgust with out letting it load than you wouldn't have noticed that there is now an Orsm.net mailing list. I've lost count of the times people have asked to either be added [to a list that didn't even exist] or that I should create one. Anyways, I finally got off my ass and set one up. Each week list members will get a email newsletter thingy and access to Orsm's Porn-chive. Porn-chive you say!? It's basically going to be a huge 'porn archive' with at least 5 new chick galleries added weekly plus the occasional joke and even a few vids thrown in for good measure - all of it 100% free with no catch and no bullshit.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: I WILL NOT EVER SELL YOUR EMAIL ADDRESSES TO SPAMMERS - GUARANTEED.

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: I may not be right but I am never wrong.

No idea if it's just me but you guys seem to have gone quiet with interesting email lately. Just seems to be a constant stream of viruses which completely sucks. Webmasters need email too you know! If you have anything to say - anything at all - click here and send me a bloody email!!

Vanilla Sky. If you haven't seen this movie then it's well worth checking out. Despite the fact it starts off slowly [and I almost gave up on it] it ends up being one of those cool alternate reality type deals. Reminded me of Matrix and Thirteenth Floor AND you get to see Penelope Cruz's breasts.

Rules To Live Your Life By - The Wedding Debarkle

If there's anything more natural than two lesbians pleasuring each other - I'm yet to see it...

click here for more

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Click for more awesomeness

I've decided that before I die I will need to own one of these little puppies. Probably going to be a red one though. Why? Because they go faster... everyone knows that...

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

click here for more

Why these guys would insisit on doing shit like this to themselves is beyond me...

Why? - Why? - Why? - Why? - Why? - Why? - Why? - Why?


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

ORSM VIDEO
Problems? Don't email me! Check the site help!

Well that's all for the time being. I'll try and get another big update happening before the week is out but no promises. My machine is running like a pig at the moment and in dire need of a format and reinstall. May even set up a dual boot with Red Hat too but we'll see about that. In the mean time be good, stay off the chems and sign up for the news letter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.08.01-23.28

Well fuck me drunk August is here. This year has gone so fast its not funny. Where the hell has it all vanished to I ask? Its a weird one actually... I feel kind of like I have done nothing but achieved shit loads... or is that achieved nothing and done heaps?. Fuck knows but I am left to assume that this means I am approaching my death at a quicker rate than last year...

Have actually been flat out keeping my social calendar full for the last week or two. I went and saw Paulmac live last week. For someone that is as talented as he is, seeing him live was quite the disappointment. If you were ever under impression that the guy from Under World dances like a retard then check out Paulmac - I'm sure you will be pleasantly suprised.

ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT: How come you never remember you have your washing on the clothes line until it starts raining?

I found this on B0g.org. Of all the shit I have seen on the web, all the fucked up people doing fucked up things including having sex with animals, consummation of faeces and ofcourse, gay sex, never have I seen something that offended me as much as SaveKaryn.com.

My name is Karyn, I'm really nice, and I'm asking for your help! You see, I have this huge credit card debt and I need $20,000 to pay it off. So if you have an extra buck or two, please send it my way! All I need is $1 from 20,000 people, or $2 from 10,000 people, or $5 from 4,000 people... You get the picture! Together, we can banish credit card debt from my life!

Does this bitch honestly expect people to pay off her mammoth credit card bill? What kind of a fuckin moron does that? There's a lot to be said for taking responsibilty for your actions. There's even more to be said for not. I think the most interesting part of the whole thing is that even though she is in debt up to her/everyones eye balls, she has still managed to find enough cash to pay for a domain name and hosting. If she had half a brain she would get naked and sell the pics instead of grovelling for someone else to fix her problems.

My final gripe for the week [if you guys don't mind!] is Aussie Celebrity Big Brother. All I will say is WHY WHY WHY!?!?

Priceless you say!? I won't go into too much detail at this point suffice to say I have written to my host and am still waiting to hear back from them. Stay tuned and have your say in the site forums if you wanna..

The coolest thing I have seen in aaaages would have to be this. I used to spend HOURS palying Battle Ship when I was a kid - the only difference was that my version was something that closely resembled a board game. The only problem that I can see is the lack of being able to cheat when someone is about to sink one of your ships...

Living In South Africa - Supplies!! - If You Love Someone - Things to NOT Say To Your Kids

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The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins:

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends"

Jerry from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today."

Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

The third and final installment in the Beach Gal series... as much as I love my winter I still yearn for summer...

Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals

Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals

In opening the session, Narayana Murthy (Infosys) mentioned a hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

Oh Tawny...

Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

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MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Well it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He lived and, with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....

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These may just be worth printing out for future reference and stuff...

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Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"...

"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

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The Spice Boys... they gonna make you holler...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.



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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

ORSM VIDEO
As usual - if you have problems viewing the vids, check the site help.

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Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said, "Cut that out!"

He held out his hands and shuddered, "Ever seen one of these up close?"

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MORE "WHAT PORNO'S WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE"

- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

- When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

- A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

- If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

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BALL OF FIRE GRIPS LONDON
August 02, 2002
Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city.

The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said, "but it never lasts."

There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath". (Reuters, London)

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Worth-A-Surf this week would have to be these guys...

Fark - EHOWA - Fris - Sickening Conceptions - Glass Heads - Hole In The Net - Drizunk - Anal Pink - Blind Fly

Want your site featured on Worth-A-Surf? Click here...

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When Sister Marlena entered the Convent of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister,this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Marlena lived in the convent for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words."

Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbess said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."

"Cold food," said Sister Marlena. The Abbess assured her that the food would be better in the future... On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Sister Marlena.

"It is probably best," said the Abbess, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.

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DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.

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I'm pretty close to having the necessary funds to do the Holly shoot BUT a little more help is still required by you guys! If you don't know what I am on about, Holly [pictured left] emailed me aaaages ago offering to do a shoot exclusively for the site. Woohoo...

I'm in the process of trying to get it all organised so, so long as I can get the $$$ together we'll be seeing more Holly on the site.

... now click the damn links below and go check out these great sites!

- Fling Babes -

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More Veronica Zemanova? Check out the galleries...

Veronica 1 - Veronica 2 - Veronica 3 - Veronica 4 - Veronica 5 - Veronica 6 - Veronica 7

Q. How did you know that you've had a good blow job?

A. When you have to burp her to get your balls back.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.
Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. H
e turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.

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This little vid truly is a gem. If you have ever wondered/fantasised/dreamed about what Anna Kournikova really wears underneath those damn clothes she insists on covering herself in when she isn't playing tennis, you can finally get some closure. Its everything I hoped for and more...

- Anna Kournikova's Thong -

Random Shite. Shite that only stinks if you have your head up my ass... any takers?

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite
Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite
Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

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Ah yes... steroid abuse at its utmost. What was once a whimpy nerd is now a muscley freak..!!

Steroid [Ab]use - Steroid [Ab]use - Steroid [Ab]use - Steroid [Ab]use

Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence.

Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!'

Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub...'

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TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big dick.

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Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

A little boy goes shopping with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little lad gets bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out, she invites him over.

After an hour she says "You know you can go a little further if you want"

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down my pants?" she says.

"Hell no" he cries, you've got teeth down there"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there" "Yes there are" he says, "my mum told me" "No, there aren't" she insists.

"Here have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

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ORSM VIDEO
As usual - if you have problems viewing the vids, check the site help.

Unfortunately for you guys it's come to that time that I must bid you farewell for another week. As usual, it's been nothing but a labour of love sitting at my computer for days on end updating but I need my sleep. Gotta be up in 6 hours for a day trip down south.

Almost forgot to mention the little project I have been working on! I've put a SHIT LOAD of work in to something that I have had countless requests for over the past how ever long now. In a nutshell it's going to mean way more Orsm type stuff than you get now and as usual its all going to be free. More info next week. Until then, be good, stay off the chems and dont forget to vote!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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