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August 2003...
 
orsmupdate 2003.08.20-22.03
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There's that golden rule that states you will always have some sort of incident with your new car. Sometimes you will get away with a light scratch to anything as bad as a major bingle... but always something. I thought mine came back in January not two weeks after I got my new wheels when a friend dropped lipstick all over the back seat [no pun intended]. I took some comfort thinking I had escaped this new car curse somewhat lightly. I was wrong...

I can definitely say I was waiting for something to happen. I'd stopped to think a couple of times over the last few weeks that everything was travelling along just a little bit too smoothly and I was right.

Okay sure, it was just another car accident and sure, I walked away from it but bloody hell my tally is three decent smashes in the last six years or so with NONE of them being my fault. I get the feeling someone is trying to tell me something...

My first smash was on a beautiful Thursday afternoon. I'd torn my shorts at work leaving my tackle exposed and was heading home to change. On my way some retarded P-Plater completely misjudged the the oncoming traffic and turned in front of me. BANG! We were both uninsured and as such I spent the next six weeks rebuilding the car and was left with a $4k repair bill [his fault but no way I was ever going to get a cent out of the prick].

Second bingle was somewhat worse. It took place on a mild Friday nite in April four years ago and once again involved a t-boning although I was on the receiving end. BANG! This one wrote my car off and my stupidity was proven by still not being insured... thankfully the other guy [another P-Plater], who was driving his grandad's new car was, which meant I got a at least a pittance back for mine.

Number three for me was a couple of Saturdays ago. I was summoned, as I am every second week, by my old man to drop him and my brother off to watch the Eagles play at Subiaco Oval. There I was happily cruising home when all of a sudden BANG! Next thing I know I'm sitting in a garden after ANOTHER fucking P-Plater didn't see me and took me out.

After managing to escape from the car I reacted the same way I always do to these things - by yelling abuse: "YOU BETTER FUCKING BE INSURED, BITCH!" which admitedly was quite cruel but made me feel a whole lot better!

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She wasn't. Thankfully this time I was. There was no fucking way I was going to make that mistake again and it's a good thing especially with the size of the repair bill. Even worse for her, her car was borderline write-off plus she'll have to pay for the damage to my car. All up it was a pretty expensive day at the footy for the poor chick. Let this be a lesson to those of you without insurance!

Annoyingly it's going to be atleast 3 more weeks until I get my baby back but I can't complain too much because I'm back driving the 4WD I had previously so the elevated ride height will allow superior perv positions once again.

They say things happen in three's... so that's three car accidents, three P-Plater's, three t-bones, three times not my fault and on three consecutive days [albeit years apart]. Playing the percentages I think it's relatively easy to predict how and when I am going to die... I mean they've missed THREE times now and I've lived to tell the tale but if I was a betting man I'd say sometime in the next two years, on a Sunday, t-bone caused by a bloody P-Plater who didn't see me!

How much would it cost to get an average babe off the street to gangbang four dudes? Every week the Mikes Apartment boys answer that burning question and bring you the hardcore video action!! More sexual mayhem and running amok @ Mikes Apartment.

If you live in Australia you may recall the goverment ran that stupid terrorism awareness campaign which was backed up with some TV ads from the ever-boring Steve Liebmann from Channel 9. Never has there been a guy who loves the sound of his voice more than Steve. Anyways here's a couple of parodies of those ad's. Terrorism 1 - Terrorism 2

** YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW FAR WILL THESE GIRLS WILL GO TO PAY THEIR WAY THROUGH COLLEGE!! **

Stars Without Makeup - Posture - Gray Davis Economics - Goulash Dick - Earth Quake - Stay Off The Chems!

It CANT Be True! - Hollywood Is Calling - Hard One - Cool Flash Game - Tasty Tenders - Size Hime Up

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.

A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

HOLLY SHOOT
This is the final set of pics with superchick Holly. Looking back through all the pictures we shot I think the Harley series may very well be my favourite... I'm sure you guy's will agree too...

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On a tour of Australia the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the West coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Eagles football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Freo Dockers tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into it's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Eagles fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of West Australia but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".

"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!"

"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"

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TRUE PERFECTION

Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha

Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha - Sasha

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweet- heart, it's back to the village for you."

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Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

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A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig, and as he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager. "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know, lonely? You know, for a woman?"

"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it."

The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"

The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thurs- days." "Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel."

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A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.

Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

** GET READY TO SEE SOME SERIOUSLY GOOEY, JIZZ-O-RIFIC, GOO-A-FIED, COCK SQUIRTING MOVIES! **
** CUMFIESTA.COM - WHERE AMATEURS GET CREAMED! **

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ORSM VIDEO
I've well and truly outdone myself this time... I've managed to track down what can only be described as pure gold. Christina Applegate [aka Kelly Bundy] in a tasty lesbian video...

- The Christina Applegate Lesbian Tape: Part 1 -

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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Two elderly gentleman from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a new-born baby!" "Really?! Like a baby??" "Yup. No hair, no teeth and I think I just crapped my pants!"

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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. One of the most expensive production cars in the world, and it costs him $300,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It's very expensive!" "Why does it cost so much, asks the old man?" Because this car can go up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" No problem, "replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty fancy car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 140mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h! Something whips by him, going much faster!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the Moped at 200mph... W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

A few seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, denting the rear. The young man carefully brakes the Ferrari to a stop, jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you? The old man whispers with halting breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror you son of a bitch."

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Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Jane, that the doctor said that he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, Jane asked Paul to have sex with her. Of course, Paul agreed and they had passionate sex.

Six hours later, Paul went to Jane again and said, "Honey, now I only Have 18 hours to live, maybe we could have sex again?" Jane agreed and AGAIN they had sex. Later Paul is getting into bed when he realised he only had 8 hours of Life left. He touched Jane's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more
Time before I die?"

Jane agreed, and afterwards, rolled over and slept. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head. He tossed and turned until he was down to just 4 more hours. Paul tapped Jane on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have 4 hours left! Could we....? Jane sat up, turned to Paul and said, "Listen Paul! I have to get up in the morning and YOU don't!"

ORSM VIDEO

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need, a new suit.

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said "Let's see, you're a size 44 long". Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll he said "Sure". The man eyed Joe's feet and said "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old. The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What's going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline... and I gave him Super Glue."

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The funeral parlour called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fucker!"

READER MAIL
Absolutely tonnes of email pouring in lately. I can't reply to all of it and if it's decent it will usually end up on this page... at some point atleast. Very much appreciated anyways so keep it up!

Cameron Forbes wrote:
Subject: no subject
Is that Bob-O ("more pics for the ladies") for real or what. I can't understand how you let a tosser like him get on your site. Any guy who puts the lid of a can on his cock is a loser. No wonder he is advertising for women.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: BUGGER !! Toyota Hilux - no longer unbreakable

Thought you might be able to use these orsm pics of what happens when you park a car in front of a dozer.If you do please keep my name out of it as I got them from work and even though they are doing the rounds I don't know if they are general public yet Cheers

Thursday 24th April 2003 a dozer driver at a coal yard accidentally ran over a Toyota Hilux dual cab 4wd with a Caterpillar D10 dozer. As the dozer driver was working alone he had driven the ute to the stockpile area where he was to be working and parked it there just off the road. He then walked approximately 400m back to the dozer shed to pick up the dozer and drive it back to the same stockpile area, He did this so he would have a vehicle to use to return to the lunch room for smoko's, lunch, etc.

While driving the dozer to the stockpile area a combination of coal dust stirred up by the dozer tracks, having the dozer blade high off the ground and a bit of memory lapse caused him to hit the ute with the dozer blade, the ute was overturned, squashed to a level where it fitted under the blade then went underneath the dozer, it wasn't until the dozer driver saw shrapnel flying out from beneath the dozer that he stopped, reversed back and found the ute as it is in these pictures.

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Cool Car
Being a car guy, thought I'd share this cool car with you. Saw this on E-Bay... a 1960 Mercedes-Benz 220SE Cabriolet 4 seat convertible. I don't recall ever seeing a solid wood dash board like this has. PS.... ended at $ 44,000, reserve not met....so it's not too late, you can still get it!

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badger wrote:
Subject: ORSM CREATES FAXspam
Hey Mr Orsm, Just thought I'd let you know, you and your site are imbedding themselves in the Australian business community. I know an update has been posted from your site each week/fortnight as the fax starts going mad with a selection of jokes copy 'n' pasted direct from your site. I don't know which may be more annoying, having an email inbox full of spam, or waiting the twenty minutes for 15 pages of jokes to come thru with an order attached to the end.

Something different you might like to put on your site, attached is a photo of a test we did to a ladder -- that is 190kg hanging from the middle of a 4.2m span of a ladder -- didnt break either!

Cathy & Ian wrote:
Subject: You think you have snow
The following photos are from St. Anthony / Newfoundland following the latest snowstorm. Check the last one carefully - snow is being shovelled off the roof of the house and you can just see the ridge cap in the snow.

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afiq mohd wrote:
Subject: american soldier raping iraqi woman
i dont think iraqi welcome situation like this.. f**k bush b*st**d..because of him the americans soldier are like this.. let the world knows what were americans soldier doing at iraq. no wonder why some of them have been shot by iraqi men. is this that bush called bringing a peace.????

Firstly, it looks staged. Secondly, the soldiers don't even look American. -Orsm

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Adrian Jarvis wrote:
Subject: New Stealth Fighter.
I thought you might be interested in this photograph of one of the US Air Force's latest high technology stealth fighter bomber aircraft. It's being prepared to depart for an "unnamed" air base in the Middle East. Of course it goes without saying that you should treat this picture as very confidential, and control any further un-secure distribution of it.

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Virginia G wrote:
Subject: a stormy nght
A stormy night. They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance... and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.... She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed, were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors... Just the faint click of a camera......

A mother is having is having sex with her lover. Her son comes in, so she locks him in the closet. Shortly thereafter she hears her husband come home. She immediately locks her lover also in the closet.

"Dark in here," the boy says to his mother's love. "Yeah," the man replies. "I have a baseball here. Do you want it? It costs only 250 bucks," says the boy. The man thought what the hell and paid up.

Next night the same thing happens and the boy is again locked in the closet with the lover. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yeah," the man replies. "Do you want a baseball glove?" the boy asks. The man bought it for 750 bucks.

The next day the father says, "Son, lets go to play baseball!" The boy replies, "I sold my baseball and glove for 1000 bucks!" The father becomes upset and says, "You should not overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to the Confessional." His father drops him off and he goes into the Confessional. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Oh, for heavens sake, don't start that again," says the priest!

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One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but..." stammers the driver, "Now... or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.

Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but..." says the driver. "Now...!!" So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

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INTROVERT

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

A hillbilly was driving down the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The hillbilly stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The other studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this ain't your lucky day, pal!"

WORTH-A-SURF

zFilter - Another Site - Humor Bomb - Jarkey - Babes & Stuff - EBJ Dot Com - Drunk & Disorderly

Delta Of Venus - Exbyte - The Meaning Of - The Digital Underground - Beer & Shots - Dinbror

EVERYBODY LOVES ARIA

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

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Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were shit."

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 12 months.

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RANDOM SHITE

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?""No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and begins to take a piss too, "It's the French Embassy."

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A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

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A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried... "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mum."

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Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

RUSSIAN DYK'AGE

Tatu - Tatu - Tatu - Tatu - Tatu - Tatu - Tatu - Tatu

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A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.

So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.

Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

click here for more

SHIELA
Imagine it... one Friday nite out with your mates... you spot a half decent chick... one thing leads to another and you end up back at her place... next thing you know it's BANG: "Honey, would you suck my cock" Crying Game style.

Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela - Shiela

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

ORSM VIDEO

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting... "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

click here for more

One day, while fishing under the Narrows Bridge on the Swan River, Chris made a confession. "We've been friends for thirty years and been through a lot. I never told you guys this before because I didn't wanna ruin our friendship, but... I'm gay." Justin looked over at Sean and said, "We figured that out when we first met you but decided not to say anything because we didn't want to embarrass you".

Chris thanked them for their understanding and continued, "The reason I'm telling you guy's this is because I've got AIDS and have only got six months to live. You're the only family I've got left and I want you to promise me that you won't let them bury me. I'm scared of them caskets and I want to be cremated instead. Then, I want my ashes thrown from that bridge up there into the river where we've spent so much time together." Justin and Sean wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend had asked.

Six months later Chris died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Justin was about to throw them out when Sean stopped him: "Wait, you've got to say something".

"I don't know what to say. I've never gone to church much" Justin admitted. Sean scratched his head, "Just say something... anything... and make it rhyme." Justin thought about it a while and started slowly started throwing the ashes into the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, if you liked women, you'd still be with us."

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After reading through all that I realised that this was one huge-ass update. So hopefully I managed to drag you away from something more important! Definitely the case for me - I locked myself in a small dark room for 9 days straight working tirelessly to bring it all together.

Homework for everyone this week is to install a fucking virus scanner. I've received around 500 infected fucking emails from 500 fucking random retards in the last 24 hours and its fucking me off would you believe...!?

Anyways until next time, be good, stay off the chems and if you wanna know where I'll be hanging out this weekend you can see by clicking here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2003.08.06-18.52

As I sit here trying to get this update done I know the fone is going to ring. It's going to ring because it always does and seemingly always will. It never ends.

Take today for instance. I awoke at 12pm. Yes you may call this lazy but in my defense I had to do a run to the airport in the middle of the nite... anyway the first call I actually heard was one to my mobile which sits aside my bed which in turn was the reason I actually woke up in the first place.

Get up, shower, shit, make bed [hot single chicks note: me = house trained] and head down to see what the dog has destroyed over night. All up 20 minutes after the fone rang I am at my desk ready to get this update finished.

Then it begins. Random friends and family begin calling which in itself I dont generally object to. The calls, 11 in total and all pretty much social in nature, range anywhere from 2 minutes to 15 minutes and that was in less than 4 hours. I should emphasise here that no-one who called me wanted to discuss anything vaguely work related so in other words productivity is zilch. There was also a random drop-in mid afternoon which managed to consume another 20 minutes or so.

I find it unsettling. I can deal with a 5 minute chat about the weekend but I get thrown off the task at hand if I need to use my brain for anything more. I'm one of those people that needs quiet to do anything and usually can't even if it's just someone else is in the same room. Performance anxiety you may say...

I realised it quite some time ago but this whole work from home deal is a trap... a big one too. Firstly, in my case I answer only to me. Secondly, my friends know that and are also aware that I won't get busted for spending time on the fone chatting away or am available for social visits.

Don't get me wrong here - I've got all the time in the world for my friends and family but is this shit normal? Do you guys sit at work in your real jobs chewing the fat with your mates all day or what? Would you want to if you don't?

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but I was far from right. Check it for yourself at TeenRave.org.

Check this out... it's updated every single day with links to the best free porn galleries on the entire net. All of em are high quality and pop-up free too! I kid you not I managed to kill almost 2 hours with some of the best porn I have seen in a very long time! Click here for Smut Crazy!!

** YOU WANT REALITY? IT DOESN'T GET ANY MORE REAL THAN THIS GUYS! **

College Entrance Exam - Aussie Bloke Test - Aussie Lingo - What Does Love Mean? - Kids Pet Wankage

You Live In - Samorost - Europe Vs Italy - AOL Kiddie Translator - Animated Karma Sutra - Clinger

HOLLY SHOOT
Next up in the Holly series is my friend Nate's car. Nate and I pretty much grew up together and is also helps me out with some of the behind the scenes shit for the site when needed. Anyways, as you'll see the car is a Holden Statesman with the supercharged V6 in it. Nice car if I do say so...

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

A boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in and to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have venereal diseases?" "Of course not" said the Madam,

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after having sex with Amber -THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get what I just caught.

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll have sex with her in the car and he'll catch it too then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". "In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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Two families move from Pakistan to Australia When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet-in a year's time, whichever family has become more Australian will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first father says, "My son's playing footy, I had Vegemite for breakfast and I'm on my to way to pick up a slab for tonight. How about you, mate?" The second father says, "Fuck you, Pakkie."

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mum," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mum?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mum, Mum," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "That's very good, Dear." "Is it because I'm blonde, Mum?" "Yes Pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mum, Mum," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have boobs!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mum?" "No Dear, it's because you're 25."

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled... then the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks, began to play.

click here for more

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

** EVER WONDERED WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IN THE V.I.P? **
** NOW YOU CAN FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF @ INTHEVIP.COM **

ORSM VIDEO

Finally... The 6th and last part in the Mimi McPherson sex tapes. Without giving too much away, next update shall return with another naked Aussie which many of us have grown up with. By the way if you are having problems with the vid's then check the site help.

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 6 -

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A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with..."

IN KELLY HEAVEN

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly - Kelly

click here for more

Dear Friends, It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob.

ORSM VIDEO

The owner of this chemist walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall"? The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".

The owner yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

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Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, " I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

READER MAIL

Tom Clark wrote:
Subject: Another True Story

I work in a regular office, about 40 people, software firm. I wear a shirt and tie. This happened to me on Monday at work. I'm standing at the receptionist's desk talking to a coworker and a cute female guest. Up walks the Asian gal from HR. She's kinda bent over and then she drops to her knees right in front of me. She looks up at me and says, I'm not making this up, "Can I blow you?"

My eyes bug out, my jaw drops, I take a step back and manage to eek out "..wha ?" She says "Can I get below you? I need in cabinet." My face is burning red, that bastard coworker is bustin' a gut laughing, I turn around and just slink away. Fucking Mondays.

dave m wrote:
Subject: tank blowing up
hope you like this one. mean rocket taking out a tank. enjoy.

Amazing video. Cheers! -Orsm.

click to download
maurizio wrote:
Subject: traditional party in Belgium !!

this is how they party in Belgium, maurizio
Jon wrote:
Subject: Taliban prisoners released!
The Pentagon revealed today that four high-ranking Taliban prisoners suspected of having close ties to Osama bin Laden and his al Qaeda terrorist network were released from custody early this morning.

The prisoners were captured during the furious battle at Tora Bora in Afghanistan during December, 2001 and had been held captive for CIA, DIA, and FBI intelligence debriefings for nearly thirteen months aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise (CVN-65).

The prisoners were provided $500 cash each and a white 1963 Ford Fairlane for their return trip home. Navy photographers aboard the Enterprise captured the following photo as the prisoners departed the ship.

Patrick wrote:
Subject: Worst thing i've seen in quite some time

I had an ad at AFF a while back and received this reply to my ad yesterday. Damn that's fucked up!!! Note: forwarded message attached.

Cynthia Rodriguez wrote:
I'm curious. How long and how hard is that? I'm in South Gate. I frequently go to Alt.com and AFF.com when my family are in vacation. What else do you do? I'm curious since you said if I want to know more. Do you do any licking and sucking 69 styles? soft to rough sex? How long do you last? Since usually hubby didn't give me satisfaction. He hardly wants to give head nor he let me near it. Anyway, where are you from? Take care and peace. I have to study my homeworks..since I have classes at El Camino college but I'm free on Friday which I'm not sure yet. Can't do it in my home thought. I have a roommate who can squeal to my husband. Bummer. BTW, I weigh 172 lbs and measures 5 feet 4 inches in my shoes. Some of 'em didn't think I look like it. Just because I wear normal clothings instead of sweatsuits. And or is it because of my meats and bones? Oh, well, I'm tryng to lose the fats off of me. I'm hearing-impaired. And I was afraid that no guys on AFF.com and Alt.com would take it since I have c-section scars and wrinkled abdomen due to I have a hard time figgering out what is wrong with my abdominal area after my last 2nd child. *sigh* Have fun. Take care and peace. :-)

Cynthia May Rodriguez
"What? Can't HEAR ya!!!" "Speak up or I'll IGNOR' ya!" "Don't UNDERESTIMATE or OVERESTIMATE deaf ppl's abilities and sign languages" "Can't TRY to turn me on, tsk, 'cuz NUTHIN turn me on!" "Be HONEST with me, or I'll IGNOR' ya!" "I'm a KID myself!" are MY mottos. FAV MOTTO I READ: Honest is the best policy!

Fuck dude... that thing is fuckin hideous. And what's with those fuckin motto's she's got? I'd suggest she ad "I have a fat, ugly, festy vagina that stinks". -Orsm.

Joex wrote:
Subject: hi orsm this is my car
Hi!, how are you?, im from spain and this is my car, i hope that i like you, kiss, your page is the best of all ciberwold.

Fully sick, bruv. -Orsm.

Serge Cooreman wrote:
Subject: various
Hey Mr Orsm. after taking off my plaster the surgeon had a look at my foot and told me maybe i should rest that foot for another 2 weeks, had been off because of that foot for 7 whole weeks can u imagine my boss's face??? take care and thanks for the Excellent site of yours. PS my boss really SUCKS!!!

Bob-o wrote:
Subject: More Pics for the Ladies
Mr. Orsm. Well I am sending in another submission of pictures in hopes of getting a response from the lady viewers.......... As always your site kicks ass, but for right now I would like to talk about how I would love some female response to my pictures............. Ladies...... Next time you are in the supermarket buying your pencil dicked boyfriend or husband a can of shaving cream............. Think of how nice and thick the can is.........Then think of what it would feel like to have all of it inside of you........... Now if only you could come here, you could get it, anytime you wanted........... I just want someone to worship my dick as much as I would love to fall asleep with my face buried in her "Y"......... lol And I have a lady friend that lives across these United States that thinks I have a small dick. I would like a judgment call on that...... Anyway your site kicks so much ass...... I love spending endless hours on just your site......... Thanx, For more than you will ever know...... ;p) Bob-o

Rhett Brown wrote:
Subject: Content

Hi. Look, far be it for me to criticize such a successful site and endeavor as you have. So, just take this as an addition to your already fine site. Hey, I like porn as much as any guy, but could you please add some more sensuality to the choices. What am I talking about? I am talking about some concentration on what we call in the states as "cheese cake." I really would like to see you open up an area to women's sexuality from the past, or the present for that matter.

I think a lot of the young guys, and those of us not so young, like me, would like to see a little more legs, feet, and toes. Hey, it's fun and sexy! Take a look at Alberto Vargas and you will see what I mean. Again, I have been a "fan" of your site for over a year now, and I don't do this very often, but I do admire your site and read your comments and I just think this would be a really great addition. What do you think? And, for what it's worth, I'm half Aussie, as my Mum was born in Sidney and married a Yank WWII vet.

You mean women aren't just T & A...? By the way its SYDNEY not SIDNEY. -Orsm.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi...XXX Material
Hello , I'm from Panama.. and I want to show you something that lady sent me... She met me at Icq..and all she wanted to talk was about sex.. she is too horney.. Please do not put my mail..

Ladies and gentlemen - BIGFOOT lives... -Orsm.

click to download click to download

Sherry folded and put away Morris' underwear. The next morning Morris took a pair out of the drawer and noticed there was powder all over the crotch area. He started to shake the powder out and said, "Sherry, I wish you wouldn't put so much talcum powder in my underwear. Sherry replied, "Dat's not talcum powder Morris, dat's "Miracle Grow".

RANDY MANDY

Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy - Mandy

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the Australian Tax Office," DO NOT OPEN IT! JUST THROW IT IN THE BIN!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of alleged essential functions of the Australian Federal government. This is untrue! The money the ATO collects is used to fund various big corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

This organisation has ties to a number of shady outfits who claim to take money from your regular pay cheque and put it towards your superannuation retirement fund. In truth it is funnelled off to a bunch known as CentreLink which uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the ATO helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Australians out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

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Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start. She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realised that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

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TANYA-AHH

Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya

Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Dumb shit can't swim."

WORK VERSUS PRISON

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways" Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mum fainted...

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Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," said the drunk. "Do you still need a push?" "yes, please!" "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!"

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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of crying and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...

ORSM VIDEO

A bloke named Bruce decides to do something really wild. Something he hasn't done before, so he goes out to rent his first X-rated adult video. He goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. He drives home, puts on his sweats, opens a tinnie of Fosters and puts the tape in the VCR. To his disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so he calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," he says. "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies. "Head Cleaner," Bruce replies.

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I think I'll get up and get a beer." No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way?" How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

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HANDY LITTLE HELPFUL HINTS

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

RANDOM SHITE

Ah Random shite... the stinky finger of Orsm.net...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier".

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The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!"

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And thats that for this week. What you've just read is a culmination of 2 years work by over 50 starving chinese child slaves so I, or should I say we, hope you enjoyed it. So until next time, be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to check out the maddest website the internet ever did see! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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