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August 2006...
 
orsmupdate 2006.08.31-23.14
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Tainted cheese.

Spring is here! Woohoo! Thank Christ winter is over. I don't care if it was officially the driest and warmest winter in twenty years. It sucked more than words can say and to be honest I'm more concerned about having the coldest, wettest summer in twenty years. That will suck harder than getting aids.

Now please prepare yourselves as I endeavour to dazzle you all with tales of my life from the last week...

Saturday started ultra slowly so I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to do some shooting. First time in about six months and the first time I have been solo. Good fun and also interesting to note that my accuracy was probably better than it's ever been. The rest of the day was extremely uneventful so shant bore you all with it.

Sunday was a phenomenal day. I wish every day could be as good. It kicked off at 6.25am sharp with a knock on my bedroom door from my sister urging me to 'wake up'. I'm told I had previously agreed [something I strangely don't seem to remember] to drive her and several others into the city for the City To Surf. As much as I hated them for making me get up so early on a Sunday it was soon all forgotten with pervage on the plethora of fine chicks dotting the streets.

By the time I got home I was ready to do something because it was absolutely perfect as far as the weather was concerned. I began with mowing the lawn. Admittedly it could probably have lasted another week or six without a cut but owing to the fact I was full of energy there was no point wasting it. I followed up with some weeding and wanton destruction of a tree that had some storm damage.

Next on the agenda was to wash my car. That makes it twice in two weeks! Its been a long, long time since that has happened and I don't really know what inspired it but I'd definitely forgotten how much easier it is to clean when there is only a weeks worth of dirt on there as opposed to four or five months...

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By the time I finished it was 1pm so I jumped in the shower and then the car to go and find some footy food. As always there was no food in the house so I hit the shops to find some. Not surprisingly the supermarket was manic - people everywhere trying to get supplies for the day ahead. On the way back I stopped past the local bottle shop to grab a carton and it was the same deal. Every man and his dog had seemingly left it to the last minute to grab beer. You could feel a buzz in the air.

So why all the madness? As I mentioned last week, Sunday was Derby day. West Coast versus Fremantle. The two local AFL teams head to head made even sweeter by the fact they are both near top of the ladder and obviously playing at their respective peaks.

By 2.30 everyone had rocked up at mine, trash talk was flung back and forth in regards to which team would walk away victorious, the game was on and beer was consumed.

Unfortunately by the time everything was said and done West Coast were sadly defeated but enough about that. We moved proceedings outside and continued drinking until around 7.30 when we realised if we didn't eat soon we were going to die. The fix? Pizza. We ordered and a time of 45 minutes for delivery was given despite my attempts to sweet talk the girl taking our order.

8.30pm... no pizza. I call and ask where it is and she explains that with the derby on they were suddenly extremely busy and it shouldn't be much longer. 9.00pm... still no pizza. Call again and get the same excuse. 9.30... still no fucking pizza! I call AGAIN and this time they work out that the reason it never came is because they had the wrong street. This immediately beckons the question: why bother asking for someone's phone number if you're not going to call it when there is a problem? Retards. Thankfully the pizza [when it did arrive two and a half hours late] was magnificent.

What a great day. Football, beer and hanging out with mates. It's what weekends should always be about.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Alba Realty - Aria Hotness - Nude Shopper - Mark Your Territory - Cake Mania! - C'mons Revenge - Wanker Plates

Boobie CarWash - Babes Making Out - Scarlett's Rack - RateMyPix! - Orsm Reviewed - Adriana Lima - Celeb Poses

"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, dear?" "Pussy and bitch." Mum inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mum." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning." Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this... " He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"
--
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

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An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go.

However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty.

"Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.

The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006.

The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is. The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my back!"

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL LOVE FUCKING IT!

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

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There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.

After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlour and had it done immediately.

Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return.

The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.

While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him.

"I just had mine done - it really says 'Wanda,'" beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?" The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says, "Well mine says, 'WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"....

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READER MAIL
Email email email... light of my life, bain of my existence. As I'm sure you guys have come to expect there has been some highly entertaining and kick ass email flooding my inbox this week. I swear it seems to pile up faster than I can get through it but please don't ever stop!

If you would like to submit your own bits and shits and possibly have them featured on the main page then we are always happy to receive pretty much anything you can stuff in an email and send this way. On the wanted list are pics of an evil Ex, messed up videos, pics of any shape or form and any other general retarded stuff you have lying around. All you've got to do is click here and make that magic happen!

John Clements wrote:
Subject: You write: "It's the ones that take your junk and resell it that I want to stab."
Why on earth should this bother you?If it were worth your while to sell it yourself, you'd do it. The fact is that (presumably) your time is too valuable to spend lugging your junk around trying to sell it. There are others whose time is worth less, though, and so it's worth their while to comb through your junk and sell bits of it. That's called reuse, and it's certainly better than consigning useful things to the waste stream.

Because they make a mess. Because they glare at you. Because they have no shame. Because they are rude. I could go on if you like? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Classic Birthday Invite
Dear Orsm. Thought you might like this - some crazy birthday invite from a girl who obviously likes a little too much control and has her head buried where the sun doesn't shine! I especially like the bit about "the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry"! What a cow.

Is this bitch for real? What a fucking headcase! -Orsm

Shilpa Patel wrote:
Subject: A history lesson
Hi Mr Orsm. A friend just sent this to me and I thought you could maybe use it? Love your site by the way-jokes and pics.(and you show the guys bits and not just the girls)

ian simpson wrote:
Subject: Arseholes and assholes
Tell that asshole John Leal that arsehole is an english word. and whilst we are at it fuck off you arent having the ashes back

Shannon wrote:
Subject: Priceless for my ex Patrick
Bastard cheated on me so I felt no better way than to make sure he has hard time finding a new girlfriend. New Camera for girlfriend $300. New Computer for Girlfriend $1,000. Leaving Nude photos of your 2 inch dick on her computer after you cheated on her: Priceless.

click to enlarge

Josh Wilkinson wrote:
Subject: 599 Caught Fire
Hey Orsm, As you may know, Ferrari unvieled a new car in February of this year, declaring it "[their] most powerful V12-engined production car of all time." The car is called the Ferrari 599 GTB. Well I just saw one on fire here in Dallas, TX the other day. Couldn't believe my eyes. The car has revelead to the world for just 6 months, and they're already being wrecked. I hope it's user error, so that Ferrari doesn't spend its time fixing lawsuits.

click to enlarge

andy wrote:
Subject: free cock?
hey dude, love the site, i've read it every week for about 4 years or so. i went to a nascar race in bristol, tennessee this past weekend. i had been warned.. i would be amongst the reddest of rednecks and i wasn't the least bit disappointed! all shapes and sizes.. but mostly in XXXL. nothing like sitting next to 160,000 fat, stinky fans in 90 degree heat! on my walk to the race track, i saw something that i thought might fit well on your website.. a sign pointing at some "free cock". hope you enjoy...

click to enlarge

Ron Spam wrote:
Subject: Dirty Old Homeless Dude
Hi Mr. ORSM, Great site btw. I just got back from a holiday in Rome, and we regularly had homeless people sleeping on the street outside our hotel. This was the view from our hotel window at 5.30pm one evening - didn't we have a great view! Keep up the good work.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Portman Money Shot
Here is a pic of Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. Thanks. Keep up the great work!

I watched this a few weeks ago. Her in that costume made it all worth it. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Real Rock wrote:
Subject: stress testing new bike
I have a great picture for you of our neighbor stress testing a bike. You are gonna be amazed at that the bike survived after you see what he did. Scroll down to see his homebrew testing method......

click to enlarge

Bryan Hill wrote:
Subject: holiday pics
howzit, yeah just got back from a ski holiday over at perisher blue. unfortuantely on my first day i thought id muck around on a snowboard before any lessons and broke my arm, yay for me. anywho, the point is with a week in the snow and nothing to do but take pics and walk around i got a few nice ones (no hot babes due to the -6 temp). pics attached, and as a last note, if u ever break ur shoulder try to avoid long flights home...

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Parade
Hey ORSM. We had a parede today in Auckland. Boobs on bikes, its for the sex expo on this weekend. These are all porn stars and they came down Queen Street in Auckland today with their tits out. Was awesome to be there. These pics were taken by a mate of mine. Please keep my details private mate. Thanks.

click for gallery

Jellyman wrote:
Subject: BAX Global flight 705BX
Hi Orsm! I have a friend in the airlines who sent me some cool evidence of how safe flight is...
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2006 15:56:01 -0600 Last night circa 2300 our BAX aircraft flight 705BX encountered severe weather over Alberta Canada. The aircraft was cruising at 35,000 feet when it encountered tennis ball sized hail. The pictures below show some of the damage. All landing lights were destroyed, as was the radar. The crew was forced to make a "blind" emergency landing. Upon safe return to the ground the first officer and flight engineer quit. It is expected that the aircraft is a total loss as its structural integrity has been compromised.

click for gallery

magoo wrote:
Subject: beach
Hey orsm. Just got back from Bali and read your latest update about wanting to cruise down the beach. Here's some pics of Jimbaran Bay at sunset. Use em on your site if you like, I just wanted to rub it in!!!

Thanks mate... really appreciate it. Really! -Orsm

click for gallery

Nafe wrote:
Subject: On the fone while driving
The following pictures were taken near Grande Prairie, Alberta in Canada. The driver was on his cell phone and speeding. Miraculously everyone was okay, all walking around scratching their heads wondering how they escaped.

Ooops... -Orsm

click for gallery

That Guy wrote:
Subject: Too many horses
This is what happens when you pump 100psi into a Cummins Diesel. Notice it's not the head that was the weak point!!

click for gallery

Liam wrote:
Subject: westlocals video
Howdy again, got another vid for ya. one of our latest from westlocals.com its called Deceptafreak for anyone who wants to know the name of the song, it "Deceptafreak by Le Tigre (Missy Elliot remix)" keep up the tip top stuff on the site. cheers

click to watch video

richard wrote:
Subject: Answering Machine Message (funny)
Hey there, I've been a huge fan for a number of years now and always look forward to new updates. A guy I know was at a party and wanted to be a prick so he stole answering machine tape from the hosts' phone. When he listened to the tape this is the message he found. It'd be awsome to see this make the site so I hope you like it.

Hilarious. -Orsm

click to listen
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Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like the sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothin'!!

Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila.

ORSM VIDEO

In the dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the fortune teller delivered the bad news. "There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a quick, violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the Tarot cards, the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths to try to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked: "Will I get away with it???"

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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RANDOM SHITE
People do some weird shit and I guess if they didn't there would be no need for RS. Lucky that huh!? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A bloke calls his mate, the horse trainer, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks "How will I recognise him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the trainer asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the trainer picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The trainer is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the trainer grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

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A chicken goes in to a library, jumps on to the counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book". The librarian looks at the chicken and says "what?"

The chicken say "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book" So the librarian hands the chicken a book and the chicken leaves.

10 minutes later the chicken is back, jumps on to the counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book". The librarian thinks 'he must be a speed reader' and gives the chicken another book and the chicken leaves.

10 minutes later the chicken is back again, jumps on to the counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book". The librarian couldn't believe it but gives the chicken another book and the chicken leaves.

The librarian's curiosity got the better of her and she follows the chicken. She follows the chicken down to the local pond, where there's a big bullfrog. The chicken goes up to the bullfrog, holds up the book and says "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book". The bullfrog looks at it at says "redit, redit, redit".

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SLAP A CO-WORKER

Friday 1st September is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers day:

Do you have a co-worker who talks non-stop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, I am so very glad to officially announce Friday 1st September as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

Here are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

If questioned by a supervisor, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of, and get to slapping... and have a great day!

ORSM VIDEO

Well guys that's I hate to say it but the mammoth effort you've just spent your time surfing is all I'm good for this week. Believe it or not I worked my ass off on this one so if I've managed to keep you from whatever else it was that you were supposed to be doing then it was all worth it!

In case you were wondering – YES I shall return next Thursday with another update that will hopefully leave you wanting more and more and more... like this one did right...? In the mean time all I ask is that you spend every spare moment tirelessly telling the world about the amazing site you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of my bad books. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.08.24-23.27
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Just farted. Enjoy.

I've been having one of those weeks were I'm full of energy and ready for any challenge. Unfortunately though the world had other ideas and has been busy conspiring against me to make sure I had no opportunity to make the most of it. Nothing bad mind you... just lots of time sapping pursuits for the betterment of my loved ones. At least I can take solace in the fact that one day I will make them pay... all them...

This past weekend was slow to start. All I had planned was to move the various junk from around the house out to the front for the big rubbish collection thing so I could have the rest of the weekend to do what I pleased. There was one problem though... rain. Pretty much torrential at times too.

With little else to do I ended up working for the first half of the day. Pathetic I know. By the time it hit 12ish I'd had enough and had to get out so after a great deal of thought I was reminded of my dire need for some work boots. My current pair are old... really old... like over six years old. They started life as my everyday shoe and I literally wore them every day for four years until they were finally replaced and relegated to outside shoes. They've served me well and my only regret is not buying another pair when they were still available.

Anyway I got to the shoe shop and asked the lady where the work boots are. She pointed, I picked, tried on and was done in less than five minutes. Why the hell it can't be that easy all the time I have no idea! I'm usually not that easy to please. Over the years I have searched for months to find something I liked then suddenly I have these sorted in no time. I'm yet to work it out but something just aint right about it. A conspiracy? Maybe...

click here for more

Sunday... with weather pretty much perfect for around the house stuff I began my junk clearing chore with gusto. So much crap lying around that has absolutely no use except to take up space and make the place look like a shit hole. It was doing an excellent job too! Most of it wasn't mine either... the previous owners, my mum, dad, siblings – all responsible for dumping their shit here at one point or another. I guess this is the price you pay for having shed space?

By the end of it there was quite a nice little pile out front and within probably ten minutes of everything being there the scabs began to descend upon it. People were pulling up in cars, on bike, foot, whatever and sifting through boxes and more or less having a field day. I hate these fuckers. Sure, your trash is someone else treasure and if someone sees an item they are legitimately going to use for themselves then that would probably be fine. It's the ones that take your junk and resell it that I want to stab.

After that I had lunch with mother dearest which was made even better by the fact she came to my place to cook and then cleaned up afterwards. I finished up the rest if the day with cleaning the car. Trust me when I say a wash was long overdue and driving it since has made it feel like a new car again... which is a shame because the stereo stopped working last week. I wonder how many things that is for this year alone. I need a new car.

This weekend... well if you're West Australian then like me there is a very good chance a chunk of your Sunday will be spent watching the Western Derby - Eagles versus Dockers! With both teams cranking along lately it's going to be a massive game so we're all getting together somewhere to watch it and sink a few beers. Who's going to win? Eagles of course...

Beyond that the only thing I really want to do is go for a lap up the coast. I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I went for a proper cruise and considering I live barely a five minute drive from the nearest beach its really quite sad. Ah well... on with the update...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Double D's - Mmm Cake - The C'mons - Webcam Strip - Funny Oops - Stolen - RateMyPix! - Pink To The Max

Jeri Ryan - Kylie Minogue - Photo Fraud - Airbus - Floral Pets - Stellar Ass - Victoria Silvstedt - Crazy Latina

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his photo taken."
--
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Bass Straight, outback SA., North West Shelf and the Timor Sea. All our dipsticks are in Canberra.

click here for more

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL LOVE FUCKING IT!

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

click here for more

We should all be aware of the following moves to harmonise the language:

The European commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" (or preferably, "SI English").

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

click here for more

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God. "Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man. "

"Well now, that's interesting. Show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil. "Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

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READER MAIL
As expected you guys had plenty to say about a particular email that I posted last week. I've added another Overflow page to post a chunk of them on plus a whole busload of other stuff that's been clogging up my computer. You can find it here.

If you would like to submit your own bits and shits and possibly have them featured on the main page then we are always happy to receive pretty much anything you can stuff in an email and send this way. On the wanted list are pics of an evil Ex, messed up videos, pics of any shape or form and any other general retarded stuff you have lying around. All you've got to do is click here and make that magic happen!

Luke Oliver wrote:
Subject: Freo Joke
Mr.Orsm, Well I know saying this wont make a difference to you but here it goes : I have been following your site for over 5 years and have enjoyed ever since. However in ur last update I read the joke u posted about the Washing Up" which clearly insults the Fremantle Dockers. First don't give me the crap bullshit about fucking freedom of speech and all of that bullshit : I dare you say that joke in front of a Dockers fan. Sometimes I cant beleive how fucked up the world can be... Why the hell would u post a joke like that ? Just leave other people's clubs alone , I DARE you to post the same joke again but instead of "Dockers", put the word "Collingwood". If you are going to reply, please defend yourself with serious words instead of those silly comments you reply with to some viewers who bother and write all u do is reply with silly comments.If you are man enough to post such a joke , at least be a man in defending it and once again don't give me the freedom of speech crap or "take it easy its only a joke". PS Keep on paying out on Ray - that cunt still owes me $1900.

Very, very funny. -Orsm

John Leal wrote:
Subject: Re: orsm site.
Hi. Great site, but wondering why you use the American word "asshole" on your site. Just doesn't have the same punch as our Aussie "arsehole". I'm an advocate for keeping out the American-speak, we must keep our own unique identity. But enough of that, just don't use that word again, okay? Ha! Ha! ....... Okay, I may be 63 but i'm not fucking dead, so I'm going back to perv on more of those sexy tarts!

_m wrote:
Subject: Archer Contortionist _ myspace
Yo Dude, Gotta say I love the site, been a favorite for years. That octopussy vid from a year or so ago still haunts my nightmares. But as for the Archer contortionist video, you're probably going to get a shitload of these emails, I found her myspace. Some nice pictures up on that. Rock on and keep it legit.

Bruce wrote:
Subject: Lilia Stepanova - cuter in real life
ORSM, Your site is a refuge from halfway around the worl to find out what's REALLY the vibe back home. Love it all. And, finally, I can reply to something. I HAVE met that girl when in Vegas, and I can tell you, she's much better in real life. She was looking way too slutty in that video. In real life (when I met her 8 months ago) she was still sweet and innocent. I guess Vegas made her a bit more worldly. I have other videos of her doing her thing(same act, but longer). She does a lot more to prove just how flexible she is too. :) Dont expect you to actually post the picture or anything, just wanted to gloat.

click to enlarge

mib wrote:
Subject: SA
Hi there, Thought you would like this. Here is an article from a South African news paper to proof that politicians are not corrupt.

Now that's a civilised opinion... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Spider Wumun wrote:
Subject: broken linkies
Its thursday and the site is all fuckered up. The old man is out of town and I am trolling for pr0n and your linkies ain't linkieing. Just great. one of the pics is me one is not. you decide.

Fantastic boozies. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Shane wrote:
Subject: The Worlds Most Expensive Windchime or a Honda F1 Race Car Display?
The amazing display was created by Dutch artist Paul Veroude. Each of the 3200 parts of the Formula 1 car are suspended on fine wires to produce a 3D 'exploded diagram' that allows race fans the chance to get closer than ever to the engineering secrets of the world's most technically-advanced sport.

click for gallery

I ROBERTSON wrote:
Subject: Ex gf pics
Just a few photos of a girl I was dating two years back - lives in Leeds UK, 19 at the time, met her on holiday, real hot in the sack! I'm clearing out my hard drive so thought they should be passed on before I
delete them .. hide my email addy if you post them :)

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: This may be usefull, please post it
To everybody out there and especially my mates in the rest of RSA who is - I know - constantly wondering what it's like to have a girlfriend that is 12 years younger than you. Enjoy.

Okay you win the prize however we are all richer for it. Please give us more! -Orsm

click for gallery

tone tone wrote:
Subject: gf pics
Gday Bud, long time visitor. I did request a pic, and it took a bit for you to find it but you did send it to me, thanks. Have few pics of my gf doing what i love best. Would love to see em up on your page, but please keep details silent.. See ya Thurs :d Champion....

click for gallery

Michael wrote:
Subject: Look close? Those Sneaky Marines!!!!!
Mohammed Haji or whatever his name is should have killed himself long ago if he's been visiting your site for the past 5 years (read on... you'll see where I'm going...). THOSE SNEAKY MARINES......... if a Muslim sees a naked woman --- they are suppose to kill themselves. Ya got to love the Marines!

click for gallery

Megs wrote:
Subject: PWNEED!!
My greatest achievement to date! :)

That's just nasty... and by that I mean him. -Orsm

click to watch video

Craig wrote:
Subject: The next fifty cent....
Hey Ors, love the site, blah blah blah. Here's a vid of my mate do'en his best Milly Vanilly impersonation. Can you please post it to embarrass the shit out of him! PEACE! Keep up the good work. Craig. PS. The beheading grossed me out, but I didn't have to click on it, so post what you want and the special-op pics are hella cool Rev Mayers. Steven Hennigan, go eat a dick!

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: party
Dude, A mate showed me this on his phone the other day and the first thing I thought was that's ORSM!! A chick at a party decided to get her gear off and get 'into herself'....Hope you like the vid as much as it looks she liked giving the exhibition!. Please don't publish my details!!!

I'll be expecting an invite to any more parties that she'll be at please. -Orsm

click to watch video

Monty Chapman wrote:
Subject: Dukes of Haggard
heres a quick compilation for you all. it will be the last for a while because im banned from using cameras and i have fractures my arm.

click to watch video

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: arrested!
Hey Orsm, heres an offender arrest simulation. Next week we have a big day planned with the whole team, so i should have some kickass video for you.

And you guys call this work? -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis", Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

ORSM VIDEO

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking, not sideways... but FORWARDS... yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush... for quite a while... finally, the crab spoke...... "Fuck, I'm pissed."

click here for more

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter,

"You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now fuck off".

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

The little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden!" she said.

click here for more

A man and a woman are busy having sex in the bedroom. When the man finishes he throws the condom out the window. The woman is rather perturbed that the man has littered right outside her house. She demands that he go and pick it up, and threatens him with no sex.

With that in the mind the man hurries outside only to find that a young boy has the used condom in his hand.

"Hey kid, I need that", says the man. "Why?", asks the kid. The man replies, "Look, I'll give you $20 for it". "Sure", replies the kid, happy to receive the money.

The young kid then meets up with his friends and brags to them, "Some dumb guy just gave me $20 for an empty Twinkie wrapper and I already licked off the creme filling!"

ORSM VIDEO

And with that I am DONE. Hopefully this labour of love has satisfied all your needs and desires and hopefully you'll all be richer for the experience. Also, maybe I am just full of shit. Maybe.

In case you were left wanting then I highly recommend a surf through the site archives. Every single update ever going back to 2000 is archived for your perusing pleasure. As for when I will be back with a new update then Thursday is the day! As a matter of fact every Thursday is always the day! In the mean time feel free to tell your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pizza delivery guys and parliamentary members to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or I will not be able to guarantee your safety.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.08.17-23.11
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. Sicker than tonguing a Catholic Priests asshole.

I'm back on my 'I need a holiday' horse again... just a couple of days will do me but the biggest problem is how to swing it. As a matter of fact that's how I am choosing to define a holiday - at least two consecutive nights in a place that is not in or around the city. The closest I have come this year was down south for New Years but that was just one night... and I didn't sleep. The last time I actually managed it was May 2003 and at this rate the next time is going to be March 2007 for a wedding. Meh.

So when? Pretty much from now through until the end of September every weekend will be busy with the onset of birthday season and football finals. After that the school holidays kick in which screws up half of October and then the mad rush towards the end of the year begins. I suppose I give up then! March is it and trust me when I say I'm looking forward to it.

Let's do the run down for the last week shall we? I mean suuure there's heaps of interesting stuff I the update below but we all know the REAL reason you guys come here is to read what I've been up to...

Saturday was an early start then straight outside to commence mowing and gardening. I was going pretty well with it too and almost finished everything bar the sweeping when the rain decided to make an appearance. I now hold this brilliant yet poorly timed act of nature solely responsible for all the dried grass, sand, dust and whatever else which has since been walked through the house. Fuckers.

I was joined in the afternoon by some friends for a beer or two which progressed into about eight hundred phone calls with other friends trying to work out where we should all go for dinner. Italian... yes then no. Indian... yes then no. Thai... yes then no... and so on until we settled on Chinese. Was fan-fucking-tastic too.

click here for more

My main goal for Sunday was one that should have been easy to achieve as all it entailed was finding some half decent coffee beans to feed my addiction. The first place that sprung to mind was the markets. I figured with the amount of stalls there at least one of them was bound to have some. So I jumped in the car and headed off.

The markets are literally a two minute drive from where I used to live but there came a point where I refused to go there. There were two reasons for this. First, I found it frustrating how busy the place got and secondly, guaranteed every time I'd park in the car park I would come back to find a new dent from some asshole having opened their door into my car. Used to drive me insane and eventually no amount of cheap fruit and veg or 'returning the favour' was worth it.

When I finally got in I was quite amazed. It was still the same old shithole but with some vastly improved stalls and there were people absolutely everywhere. I did a couple of laps which killed about half an hour and managed to show great restraint towards buying the useless crap that can only be found at markets although funnily enough I couldn't find coffee anywhere.

By far the highlight was watching the 15-35 year old nerds sitting at a table in front of a stall trading collector's cards. These guys were serious too... almost like they were playing negotiating the release of hostages or a truce in the Middle East. If they're reading, I just want to thank you guys for confirming the stereotype.

This weekend... its looking rainy again so thankfully that will curtail anything garden related. We've got the council junk collection happening too so I'll probably be able to amuse myself and waste a day dragging out all the crap that's been building up around here. Also let's not forget the time it takes destroying the stuff enough so that the scabs can't get to it first and sell it at swap meets. Beyond that who knows...

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Flexible Hotness - Jessica Simpson - PornHoff? - Hot As Hell - Will Ferell - RateMyPix! - Keeley Hazel - Alive In Joburg

Hilarious Alan - Jenna Jameson - BlowJob Comp - Star Wars Bloopers - Real Porn - Had To Hurt - Bitch Bash

A man and woman are in the middle of making love, when the woman suddenly remembers a funny gag she'd heard earlier. She just has to tell her partner. "Hey did you hear the one about..." she begins. Immediately, the man collapses into hysterical laughter. "Hang on a minute," says the woman. "I haven't got to the punch line yet." "I know, and I'm very sorry," says the man. "I suffer from premature joke elation."
--
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

HOW SWEET IT IS...

Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia

Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia - Tavia

click here for more

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better". The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living". "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

God then went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments". The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments". "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL LOVE FUCKING IT!

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Perth!"

click here for more

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READER MAIL
The commentary regarding the beheading video from Reader Mail a few weeks back continues. There was so much of it I decided to bring back the Overflow to make sure everyone was heard. You can find it here with a whole bunch of other email that I haven't been able to squeeze in to an update.

If you would like to submit your own bits and shits and possibly have them featured on the main page then we are always happy to receive pretty much anything you can stuff in an email and send this way. On the wanted list are pics of an evil Ex, messed up videos, pics of any shape or form and any other general retarded stuff you have lying around. All you've got to do is click here and make that magic happen!

Mohamed El-Hajj wrote:
Subject: Joke about Muslims
Mr.Orsm, Well I know saying this wont make a difference to you but here it goes : I have been following your site for over 5 years and have enjoyed ever since. However in ur last update I read the joke u posted about the Bronze Rat" which clearly insults Muslims. First don't give me the crap bullshit about fucking freedom of speech and all of that bullshit : I dare you say that joke in front of a Muslim. Sometimes I cant beleive how fucked up the world can be... Why the hell would u post a joke like that ? Just leave other people's religion alone , I DARE you to post the same joke again but instead of "Muslim" , put the word "Christian". If you are going to reply, please defend yourself with serious words instead of those silly comments you reply with to some viewers who bother and write all u do is reply with silly comments.If you are man enough to post such a joke , at least be a man in defending it and once again don't give me the freedom of speech crap or "take it easy its only a joke".

First let me say I don't claim to be highly educated, overly smart or versed in Islam however when I hear a joke that I think is funny I will laugh. So my reply? Simple - if I posted the joke with Christians instead of Muslims then I'd have received one less email this week because no one would have cared, been offended or flown a plane into my house. -Orsm

Noel wrote:
Subject: Boredom
Hi. Big fan, love your sight, the way you are talking you will have to be carefull. Starting to sound like you are getting ready to start nesting The house is clean "bulls" the garden is tidy, best wishes and I bet she is a stunner. Cheers From Victoria don't care if you do win,as long as it's not Colling wood.

Funny but no. -Orsm

Brad Noviskey wrote:
Subject: OWNED by friends
Hey, The other day my friends put bumper stickers on my car (without me knowing) and i drove all the way home getting flipped off, honked at, tail-gated and almost in a fist-fight with some whitetrash, hillbilly, ultra-god loving, poop-tooth having nascar fan named Russ. Here are the pics. Love the site.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

EFM wrote:
Subject: very cool pic, indeed
The fairytale lifestyle is over. When she got grumpy, Dopey smartened up and "offed" her. Thought you might want to she this one. It is a real gravesite.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: porti-john
Mr. Orsm, The dumbass porti-john people were cleaning out the neighbor's potti instead of ours. Look what happens when these things don't get emptied regularly - maggots.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

B D wrote:
Subject: AWESOME SAFE CHINESE PRUG
ORSM old chap. You have entertained me for countless weeks, and I've always wanted to send you something to laugh at. I bought this in the middle east - I wonder if it is a safety approved model? Keep up the orsm site and cheers, from TORONTO CANADA

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Old Flame
Here's a nice pic of an old flame I found... There is more where this came from. Keep rockin ORSM!!!

Definitely think we need to see more... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: friend's ex bitch
Hey here are some pics of this slut my friend was banging awhile back. Love the site. Enjoy the pics. (No details please) btw she chick is 18 in the photos.

You gotta love red heads... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: girlfriend pics
Pics of my girl... she'd be surprised to see herself on your site. enjoy!

Surprise!! -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: cheree
Hey Mr Orsm, Great site.. here are some pics of ex cheree who cheated on me with another bloke while I was sick and told me she was faithful - pfffft, bit hard to believe in Bathurst nsw as we only have 30000 people!!!

click for gallery

Dave Spedding wrote:
Subject: A1 GP racing Manchester UK
Over the week-end in Manchester our UK satellite TV provider SKY TV have held a festival showcasing their channels, the highlight of this was some demonstration runs by the A1 GP cars around the city streets. Don't know whether you've heard of A1 GP, they call it the world cup of motor racing with 25 cars featuring all from different counties. Today they ran 6 cars including team UK, team Ireland and team Australia. The sight of these and the noise they created racing around built-up city streets was awesome!

click for gallery

Alan wrote:
Subject: Oran Park
G'Day Orsm. Love your site!! Went to Oran Park on the weekend, and met the sweetest most beautiful girl on the planet, and some of her friends. Anyhow thought I'd send you some pics. Still can't get the smile off my face. Cheers and all the best.

click for gallery

Robos wrote:
Subject: drunken mates
G`day from J-land mate, Keep up the good work - loving the site. Just a few pics from a weekend away camping, late night drinking session, and the lads who love their shenanigans. fun stuff - but this turned into welts pretty soon after the first slap. Cheers,

Slaaaap! We used to call them camel bites... don't think I ever saw one that bad though. -Orsm

click for gallery

Miko K wrote:
Subject: video file for you - cardassian gunther!
Hello Mr Orsm! You have graciously posted my pics before, here now I have a video for you! I am spoofing Gunther's Ding Ding Dong as a Cardassian! Your site rules, thanks eh!

No more drugs for that man. -Orsm

click to watch video

digga wrote:
Subject: vid for site.
hey orsm, whats up. i run takingoverthe.net. I read your site almost weekly. Figured id send in a video of a friend of mine. He didn't have the bike more than a week... And a deer ran out in front of him. At least he caught it on tape. It's some crazy shit. Check it out. Peace.

click to watch video

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: more training.
hey orsm. this week i have an explosive door breach. oh, and a flashbang to go with it.

This stuff makes me wet... -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A biker stops by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

ORSM VIDEO

Their marriage had been shaky. He was looking shifty and she was sulking. They were washing the dishes. She was washing, he was drying. She handed him a saucer and it broke as he dropped it on the floor.

"Why don't you admit it!", she shouted. "Tell me, where do you go on Tuesday and Thursday nights?!" The husband looked embarrassed blushed. "Nowhere much", he said. "You liar" she said "You're playing football for Fremantle Dockers! I demand an explanation," she shouted.

Still looking embarrassed, the husband said "I'm going down to the local massage parlour for some extra sex and excitement. I'm having sex with prostitutes for money, and that's all. Then I come home." "You're a liar!", screamed the wife. "You are secretly playing football for Fremantle! You're going to practice during the week playing on Saturday afternoons, aren't you?" "No! No!", protested the husband. I just go for a bit of extra sex! I'm just looking for a stray piece of crumpet down at the singles bar or getting it on with one of the whores."

"Do you swear you're not playing football for the Dockers?", she demanded. I swear I'm not. I'm just spending $200 or $300 a week on professional sex", he continued. Sobbing with relief, she threw herself into his arms and kissed him. "Forgive me", she said, "I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

They continued washing the dishes. She handed him a cup and it slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor. "You dirty bloody liar!", she screamed, "You ARE playing for Dockers!!!"

click here for more

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

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RANDOM SHITE
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

click here for more

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

click here for more

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures", she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomising an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??" "Well, ma'am", the sheriff slowly replies, "You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

ORSM VIDEO

And that's it! Believe it or not this mega-huge-badboy of an update kept an entire basement full of illegal immigrant workers earning 12 cents a day busy 7 days a week for almost 6 months. Please do not feel sorry for them as they've now signed a workplace agreement in which I promise not to notify Amanda Vanstone of their presence in Australia.

In case you were left wanting then I highly recommend a surf through the site archives. Every single update ever going back to 2000 is archived for your perusing pleasure. As for when I will be back with a new update then Thursday is the day! As a matter of fact every Thursday is always the day! In the mean time feel free to tell your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pizza delivery guys and parliamentary members to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or I will not be able to guarantee your safety.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop being such a cunt, Ray. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.08.10-22.54
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. How long? "As long as it takes". Riiight...

I'm really hating weekends lately. So boring. It's scary to think I actually look forward to Monday because I know there'll be a mountain of things to keep me occupied.

The last twelve months or so have been more or less manic. I've been absorbed by seemingly endless projects around the house from painting to building a garage and now all that remains are the little uncompleted odds and ends that represent a low enthusiasm factor. With this in mind I've decided I need to find a new project to get me through the approaching summer... admittedly there's a lot of approaching left to go but you get the idea. I don't really care what it is so long as the cost is minimal and it involves being roasted in the sun a couple of days a week. Oh and it can't involve the computer in any way, shape or form. You can be sure I will keep you all posted on this...

Enough whatever... lets get into the bit you have all come here to read - about me and my week! Right? I started Saturday in a cleaning kind of mood. Vacuuming, putting shit away and just general tidying up. At some point following that most of my family just randomly descended on my place for a visit. How nice I thought... until I realised they had all just come to see how the dog was doing after her last little operation. Its times like these you feel truly loved...

After that I made the trek towards the shops ['mall' for you Americans] to meet up with friends. There was no real reason for it except to kill a few hours and of course rate females on their breast size and quality. Mission was accomplished but I did notice that shopping later in the day is less fruitful as far as decent racks are concerned.

click here for more

Sunday... another day that had the potential to be mind numbingly average but that was eluded with one simple task from my sister. What was it? Quite simply 'sort the spare bedroom out'. The house-sitting stint that her and her BF have had for the last three months is coming to an end which means I am about to have house guests again... for three weeks then they're off to London for two weeks then back in here until they can find a place of their own.

Anyway the spare room thing. As with most spare rooms, this is where I just dump things I don't have anywhere else to put. A bed, couch, desk, wall unit, boxes, papers, clothes etc etc have all found residence there. The problem is that there's not a hell of a lot of room to dwell in, especially for two people, so I had to find somewhere else. And where might that be? The back shed...

The back shed is something I usually avoid. I've never bothered trying to maintain any sort of order in there because they are predominantly full of other peoples junk. To date I've just pushed everything further and further back to create space for any other junk I didn't want to throw away. This also known as the viscous hording cycle I am genetically prone to...

Anyway to cut a long story short I spent most of the day condensing, piling and reorganising until I had finally created enough space to move everything I needed to out of the spare room. Rather frustratingly most of it could have gone in the bin but due to space limitations everything was neatly piled back in. Now this probably would have been all good except for one thing. What thing you ask? A letter from the council the very next day... notifying me of a bulk rubbish collection next weekend. And what does that mean? It means I get to pull everything back out of the shed and sort through it again! Fuckers.

The monotony continues this weekend with entirely garden-centric plans on the agenda, Basically and all the crap I love to hate doing needs my attention. My only hope is that the rain holds out so I don't have to pull weeds out whilst soaking wet but going on the accuracy of the weather bureau's forecasting this year there's practically no chance of that happening.

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the club house for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide..."
--
A Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Motor Vehicles Registry to apply for a driver's licence. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the clerk asks "Read it?"... the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy!"

click here for more

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband "Bruce, Bruce?!". Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck like bloody superglue, woman. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, have ta go with Plan B," Cobba said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's that"? "I'll go get my hammer and chisel outta the ute and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on, you're a legend," Bruce said

"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

A man walked into a curio shop in Sydney. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat and I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbour. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbour as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!" "Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Muslim over there!"

click here for more

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about cows... now give me back my dog."

click here for more

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READER MAIL
Its safe to say I got pretty well spanked by you guys this week. Turns out that no one really appreciated the beheading video I posted in last update. Truth be told it actually came to me a while back and I procrastinated long and hard as to whether I should post it or not. In the end I thought 'fuck it' and the result was some extremely angry emails. Rather than respond to everyone individually all I will say is that in future I will do my best to exclude the gory stuff!

If you would like to submit your own controversial and maligned works to Orsm.net and possibly have them featured on the main page then we are always happy to recieve nude pics your much hated ex, [funny] jokes, crazy videos, general retarded shit or pretty much anything you can staple to an email and send this way... except beheading vids! All you must do is click here and make it happen!

Michael Tucker wrote:
Subject: headsofftoyou.wmv
You hang by a very fucking fine thread orsm. Even if you placed a horror disclaimer on it you need to have the MENTALITY to realise that this shit isn't for your site. This horse shit has been around for years and is suited for the fucked up sites. Your sites is for tits arse and fucking jokes. Don't feel the need to delve into point scoring fucking horse shit like this. Basically, you've very much fucking disappointed myself and no doubt lots of other people. You've got a fucking niche market now SIT THE FUCK INSIDE IT.

Mick wrote:
Subject: Beheading
Dude, i've been watching your site for some time and I gotto say one thing. There are many things I have seen on the net that I can't unsee and the vid of the guy getting beheaded is one of them. I know I know you had a warning and I should have known better but i watched it anyhow. I've spent many a night remembering some of the vids ive seen but i can't make them go away. Come on man, kids have access to this site...... I don't want to sound holier than holy but some things don't need to be shown. Theres enough bad in this word and our kids are gonna learn it the hard way whether we want to or not. I know its the truth but there comes a point when you are the moment and you gotto make it count. Sorry for the D & M mate but I thought I should say something. I watch your site every week mate.. I love it, dont get me wrong, but you gotto draw the line somewhere

Just to clarify - I do NOT endorse kids accessing this website. -Orsm

EMG wrote:
Subject: Beheading
Mr Orsm, Why? Is 'nt the world fucked up enough without you adding this vid. I have been a fan of your site for many years, from the beginnig in fact. You have made me smile on many occassions and wince on a few, but this? Please JUSTIFY posting it if you can. I am not a moral prude or a whinging pom, but ........... actually, words fail me.

ski bum wrote:
Subject: RE: Heads-off Taliban style
I love this site, look forward to every thursday afternoon to check out the latest and greatest that you upload for our viewing pleasure. That said I think this video goes against the grain of your site, it is more suited to rotten.com, sniffix.com or ogrish.com. I hope that orsm.net isn't going down that road in the future, there is enough shit and grief on the net without having to see it on my favourtie website. Rant over, keep up the good work and leave that stuff out, Thanks.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: reply to Steven Hennigan
My resposne to the remarks of one steven Hennigan, who is obviously a concerned citizen. I take great pride in my accomplishments, and therefore like sharing them with the viewers of Orsm.net. It was my understanding that Orsm was here for people to share general crap from cheating exgirlfriends to people being killed in horrific ways. Two weeks ago i asked Mr. Orsm if he wanted me to stop posting and he said "keep them comming" so why arent you whining at him, or for that matter, other sites like the Los Angeles county sheriffs office whos S.W.A.T. team posts actual footage of operations on their site! nothing i post shows technical procedures for weapons or anything which could be advantageous for sinister activity. if anyone can say otherwise than i will appologise and never post anything again. personally, if you were a cop, (god help us if you are.) you wouldnt perceve this to be a problem, watching people with guns isnt what starts problems, its people with a big mouth, small insignificant people, just like you. now to everyone else out there... id hereby like to dedicate this group of tactical photos to our good friend Steven. enjoy! Orsm.net is an equal oportunity website. lets keep it that way!!!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: response to rev mayers
Hey ORSM, Love your site mate. Ive been watching closely to the posts from rev mayers as i use to work closely with LAPD SWAT. Im all for what rev has been doing and the dangers dont compare to the sorts of the training we administered in los angeles. As far as im concerned (Steven hennigan) is a complete fucking idiot and should in future posts such comments somewhere like gaymatchmaker.com because he obviously has no idea on the matter.I hope you dont take his advice and stop posting his vids because im very interested in seeing what else they come out with! And to Rev and the boys, Love your work and keep it up fellas and ignore fucking wankers like that because what you guys show is nothing that can't be seen on a dvd or as orsm said the discovery channel.

Dan wrote:
Subject: fired
Orsm I been a fan of you for Yrs. 2day I got fired. My ass ho boss told me that if he cought me on your page again he was going to can me.I told him that your site was the only thing that keeps me from not going to sleep. And when he told me how stupid your site was, I told him he could stick this job right up his ass. No one was going to diss ORSM.So tell every one not to use Prestige Trailer Repair in FT Worth Tx.Ron Basham you can suck my dick. AND PS. HIS WIFE GAVE ME A BLOW JOB WHEN HE WENT OUT OF TOWN. Love your fan DAN

Funny as fuck. Anyone one else got a work-related/Orsm story? Lemme know! -Orsm

jackson wrote:
Subject: recent grand prix
here's a pic of one of the many girls walking around the track,,, took more but this is the best one. love your site,,,, been following it for years. please don't post e-mail address.

Always wondered if these costumes are made this way deliberately... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic of drunk slut
dear orsm im a big fan of the site and have to show it by sending u this pic of this past weekend...here is a local drunk slut gettin pounded by my friend in a school play yard after a night of drinking i didnt fuck her myself but it looks like my friend is havin a good time....

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Don't Publish My Details Please.
Hey Mr ORSM. I fucken love your site mate. But you probably get that a lot. Anyway. Here's some pics I thought you might like for your site. I told her I wouldn't show them to anyone... But she's pissed me off. So... Hahaha... Bitch. Keep up the great work.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: More I love my job
[First] Truck lost its load and tipped over going around a corner. Landed on a tuck truck (Roach coach). [Next] Dude spent 2 hours polishing it before he met some over 70 year old guy. [Then] How safe is your Subaru dude? This is a job I went to. I love my job!

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Very Ugly Fat Chick 2
Hi Mr.ORSM. This is the second time I contribute to your site, but the content is much much worse than the first time. Last time, I sent you pictures of a very ugly fat chick, which was the sister of a friend. She had left pictures of herself on the DESKTOP, which was very stupid. This time, she did it again, but covered her tracks a little better. This time, the pictures were in the "My Documents" folder. Although it's a little more secret, it's still very very lame and stupid. She deserves to be put on the internet, again. Sorry for these disturbing pictures. Once again, please withold my details. Have fun!

click for gallery

vernon lane wrote:
Subject: My hot wife
Here are some pics of my hot wife I thought your viewers would like. We are on newbienudes under lacey. If you want to talk you can chat with us at myspace.com/bambam7602

Those eyes seriously freaked me out! -Orsm

click for gallery

Simon wrote:
Subject: chav's owning themselves plus link to bbc news story about it
These chav's show that Darwin works and eventually they will wipe themselves out, or at least I can hope. The British media went crazy about how awful it was and it was even taken down from its original hosting site, here is the news story about the footage.

I've recieved this about 10 million times now so I should probably post it... -Orsm

click to watch video

Monty Chapman wrote:
Subject: Dukes of Haggard
Here is the last dukes of haggard video for a while, i am sorry to anyone who actually liked the videos hopefully in a month or 2 i will have some more footage. And another thing Jake Murray you are a haggard douchebag fucker, im pretty sure everyone already knew that emo is a kind of music, and orsm is a legend!!

click to watch video

Claudio wrote:
Subject: Robosapien
Hi guys, it's Claudio from Cake Media in London. I have a very funny video about a robot which is so cool that is taking for himself all the nicest chicks. Have a look and let me know if it can go live in your web site. Take care

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

ORSM VIDEO

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt, Cambridge

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel, Slough

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Supermarkets... Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through. Serena Keough

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Belfast

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No bloke. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the Pool."

click here for more

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

click here for more

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.

The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.

He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

ORSM VIDEO

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I'm done! Another update done and dusted. Am I grateful it's done? Fuck yes! Why? Because I managed to surpass the standard 38 hour week by Wednesday and I'm tired. Fair enough I think...

In case you were left wanting more then do yourself a huge favour and have a surf through the site archives. Every single update going back to 2000 is safely nestled away for your perusing pleasure. As for when I will return with a new update then Thursday is the day! As a matter of fact every Thursday is the day! In the mean time feel free to tell your friends, family, neighbours and co-workers to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or you will fight them all.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off the chem's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.08.03-21.32
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Welcome to Orsm.net. People are how they are. Deal with it!

So what's shakin? How are you all? Me... I'm good. Possibly excellent although maybe a little distressed due to Big Brother being over for another year [jokes] but besides that my complaints are few and far between... mostly. I did get sick a few times and in the process learnt that my body has an affliction to avocado but besides that all good.

As far as this time of year goes several words spring to mind. Boring, monotonous and uninspiring are some of them and I'm sure you will see that reflected in my blog this week...

The last week has been almost an exact copy of the previous one. After beginning my Saturday with about ten million options I decided to go with the one requiring least effort and spend most of it parked squarely in front of my computer tackling some long overdue backing up. Why? My computers are a complete fucking mess. Files scattered everywhere across hard drives, partitions and folders. It's now plainly obvious that I am a hoarder - absolutely nothing gets deleted unless I have a back up but it's now at the point where there is so much data of varying shapes and sizes I can never find anything when I need it. Information overload! Turns out that my efforts over the years to remain organised have now come back to spite me. How ironic...

I've also got it stuck in my brain that the site needs a freshen of some sort - a new design or redesign or change or something. As much as I still love the current layout of the site it would be nice to stare at something different for a change. Anyway that ended up sapping several hours of my day whilst I tinkered and experimented with various things but at this point I would say don't expect to see anything drastic in the near future - I much prefer to drag these things out and procrastinate as much as possible. If you have any bright ideas or suggestions lemme know.

Sunday... for no other reason than I could, a little sleep in was had and much like the day before I awoke with a realm of possible things to could occupy my day with however there was a slight problem with motivation which prevented me from doing them.

click here for more

I ended up getting mum over to help me hang the curtain I was supposed to do months ago. Seriously after going through it myself I have a new found respect for people that install curtains for a living. You'd think a couple of screws, some hooks and that's it but noooo. You better make sure you have the height right, the curtain rod facing the correct way and nothing upside down or be prepared to start again from scratch. Three hours and one damn curtain later we were finally done. It does look good though!

As I headed for bed on Sunday night and stopped to give the dog her obligatory pat and scratch I noticed a big clump of stuck together fur on the top of her back. Yuck. Upon closer inspection I discovered a large, pus-filled laceration. More yuck.

Obviously the first thing I did Monday was call the vet and book her in. When we got down there the vet had one look and quickly proclaimed "it's a cyst". Apparently bumped or scratched which caused it to rupture.

After some inspection there were two options. First, have the vet clean it up and send her home with me redressing the wound everyday [as if] OR keep her overnight so they can clean it up properly and stitch her. It wasn't a hard decision - I get queasy at the first sign of blood and she already had stitches from where they sliced her open the week before so a few more wasn't going to hurt. Anyway she stayed that night and after a stressful day and several phone calls checking progress I picked her up the next afternoon as good as new.

I don't think this weekend is looking much more exciting than the last few but I realised the other day its approaching birthday season again. From the end of August there is at least six or seven of them in succession which should get the weekends moving again and begin the slow process of dragging everyone [myself included] out from winter hibernations... thank Christ for that.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Webcam Blonde - Best Ass Ever - Do You Take It? - Too Brutal - Jessica's Nips - Party Gurls - Orsm Forums

Lesbian Makeout - RateMyPix! - Amazing Body - Chix Dump - Worst Idols - Pink Topless - Tasty Tina

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round!
--
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
--
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office. The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now." She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?" Boy, did he get mad! "Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here - you or me?"
--
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

click here for more

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring: "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming Ferrari, "How could you afford that car?" her husband asks. You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings.

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL FUCKING IT!

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

click here for more

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READER MAIL
Much to my delight you guys were a touch more subdued with your email this week. That's not to say there was none... just that I wasn't left feeling like I'd been raped with a baseball bat.

If you'd like to contribute and have your stuff gawked at by possibly billions then we are always more than happy to see nude pics of your ex or current girl, fucked up videos, hilarious jokes, pics of anything or practically anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it happen!

Chris wrote:
Subject: the truth behind emo's
Since Jake murray was so shaken up by the video and was unable to explain to the world what it truly meant to be an emo, I feel I should step in and explain it on his behalf. Being an emo is really quite simple. Hate everything that anybody you know like thus refusing to conform to anybody, except your immediate friends. Then go buy a rock with the money you earned while sucking off the old guy who lives down the street. And then proceed to write poetry so bad that Chaucer (who is your idol by the way) comes back from the grave and tells you to slit your wrists because even the thought that your crappy poetry might get posted on your blog (read only by your mother and therapist) makes him want to see you in hell. There really isn't any point to end this story on because there really isn't any point to being an emo. Fits the theme then.

Steven Hennigan wrote:
Subject: Police tactics
Rev Mayers obviously has no morals and little common sence. His need to brag about his police work shows his childish nature. However, when a web site posts police tactics, not matter how trivial they may seem, they are placing police officers around the world in danger. We can't expect Rev Mayers to know this, but lets be more responsible to those around the world risking their lives while Rev is looking for his next trophy. Please stop posting his crap.

Valid point but it's not exactly anything we haven't seen on the Discovery Channel. -Orsm

JC Kotze wrote:
Subject: Hey dude
Just saw the readers post from Foxhole regarding the teenager killed in the UK, and had to drop you a line... it says in that article he posted that there were 954 murders in Britain last year? Well I'm from South Africa and I have a couple of stats for you. With 60 million people in the UK, that comes to about 1.45 murders per 100 000 people. In South Africa, population 45. million, murders last year sit at 18 800 - 41 murders per 100 000 people, and attempted murders were over 26 000. So you're 40 times more likely to get murdered here in sunny South Africa! Furthermore, for every 1000 crimes committed in South Africa, only 430 criminals are arrested. Of these, only 77 are convicted and around 8 of these are sentenced to two or more years of imprisonment. It is also calculated that South African convicts have a 94% recidivism rate (that is, 94% of all persons released after serving a sentence immediately become involved in crime again). When people say that Africa's not for sissies it's not funny in the least, they are deadly serious. Having just had out first child, maybe Oz is a better option...so go easy on alll those South African expats in your country, they're there for good reasons!

SLeeZeCoRe wrote:
Subject: Romford new clipping info
This happened in the town near mine where I go clubbing every week, its called The Brewery, a giant shopping/Leisure complex built on and in an old 'brewery' :P Every day and night several thousand people walk through here too and from the cinema, and to the apartments in the complex. Brave move trying to attack anyone there, but then, Romford is a bit of a murder capitol in the area now :S

Steven wrote:
Subject: hello Mr Orsm
thought i would drop you a line and send a couple of pics from a night at a mates place a few weeks back. ahh alcohol, how you have enriched all of our lives... enjoy.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: british-canadian bum
thought you might like to see this. british-canadian bum. just got a new digital camera so if you put these up, there will be many more to come. enjoy. hope to see it online - your site is the best. ps. please dont post my details

click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Anthony Gatt wrote:
Subject: most powerful street Ute in Australia.
At the Holden vs Ford show this weekend (just gone), Eddy Tassones VZ Commodore Ute made 1899rwhp, which is a new world record. The car has a 383 stroker V8 (based on the old Holden 5.0L block) with twin turbos, custom cam and manifold using 40psi and C16 fuel. Apparently they backed off before the redline because the engine was leaning out due to the fact it was not tuned properly (they only put the engine together the day before the event), so it only revved to 6500rpm, and the Dyno graph indicates it will keep going. Summernats, here we come. The Dyno sheet below was taken after the second run, the third run was 1898.9rwhp

Gabriel Moran wrote:
Subject: my busted ass head.
I got some pictures from my accident I got in on feb 27th 2006 id like to show you. I wasn't going very fast but I wasn't wearing my seatbelt and got my head split open from my dashboard. let everyone know to wear their mother fucking seatbelts! Thanks a lot man, been a long time fan of the site also, you kick fuckin ass. Let me know if you post these, id like to check it out :-)

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Nick wrote:
Subject: Eastern Creek Drift Meet Pics
G'day, Haven't contributed for a while so here's some pics from the Drift meet at Easter Creek this sunday. Good day to spend with a few mates, on the hill, with an eski full of coldies. Oh yeah and a tip for any future visits, take your own food. I don't know who was running the Monkey cage they called a food stand, but somewhere in Sydney, a village was missing it's idiot.

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norman keyser wrote:
Subject: Pics
First and most important! Thank you Mr. ORSM and all my brothers and sisters from other mothers you make the internet a better place! Have been a great supporter since 2001. As seen on page 28 & 39 of the priceless pics thanks Werner you are the best of friends. High time I do my bit. I ran with the bulls in 95 note your Hero, also the mussel bar but not for me it's a killer! Then the Bearfest! And where are all the club100 pics there should be a link just for all of them here are mine.

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HYPE wrote:
Subject: re: One Arm Rider
Heya ORSM, long time fan right here ;) To put your mind at ease (if possible) the rider like most others lost his limb when a car collided with his bike with a Sydney intersection around four years ago. His name is Mitch and lives in Sydney NSW and rides with us any chance he gets. I still get a kick out of the motorists reaction when I ride with him. Don't be fooled by the lack of throttle hand, his CBR600RR and SuperMotard have a custom set-up and all controls are mounted on the left bar (he would make one helluva pianist I tell ya...). Mitch is otherwise known as The Undertaker (due somewhat to his riding style and the fact that his last employment was exactly that!) He's a top knockabout fella. Anyway I've attached a few pics.

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Bajram wrote:
Subject: Gomari (Donkey) Sex + Heads-off Taliban style
This shit has been doing the rounds in Tirana (Albania) thought you would appreciate it for your site... Take care.

Nasty, nasty. This video is GORY! You have been warned! -Orsm

click to watch video

Jamo wrote:
Subject: Bull Ride
Hey orsm. I absolutely love your site. Have for a long time. My college buddies and drove down to Panama City, Florida from Minnesota over spring break and had a blast. It took us about 24 hours one way to make the trip but it was well worth it. Here is a little taste of the trip via a hot chick riding the bull.

click to watch video

Cam wrote:
Subject: More vids from Cam
Hi Mr Orsm! In response to Rhett (franky, my dear, I don't give a damn!), let me first say, that was a female I was with. I hate being doubted, so here's a couple more. Different chick this time. As far as safe sex goes, well, these women only let me film them after some trust has been established, and we both know we are disease free. The first couple of times, I always use a condom. Okay? Rhett, you are exactly the type of guy my ebook is designed to help. There are heaps of horny females on the 'net that even you can hook up with, mate. Just give it a go and you'll never look back.

click to watch video

Adsie wrote:
Subject: God save the queen
You need sound to listen to this note for note perfect rendition of god save the queen sang by a Renault Formula 1 car which takes a little time to get going but stick it out and enjoy!

That's awesome. Wonder if they take requests... -Orsm

click to watch video
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Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. "There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the asshole are interchangeable!"

ORSM VIDEO

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink...?"

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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions..."

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

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A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

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I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there is no fucking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why cant paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?

I'll tell you why - BECAUSE PAPER CANT BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought that paper would protect you!"

ORSM VIDEO

Okay well that's me for this week and I can safely say I'm more surprised than anyone I managed to get this update finished. Thursday started with me way behind schedule but somehow it's all miraculously come together. Rather than congratulate myself I will gladly settle for a nice warm bed.

In case you were left wanting more then please do yourself a favour and have a surf through the site archives. Every single update going back to 2000 is safely tucked away waiting for you to come visit. As for when I will return with a new update then Thursday is the day! In the mean time feel free to tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or prepare to be visited by an Asian death squad.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and the avocado. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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