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Welcome to Orsm.net. Tainted
cheese.
Spring is here! Woohoo! Thank
Christ winter is over. I don't care if it was officially the driest
and warmest winter in twenty years. It sucked more than words can
say and to be honest I'm more concerned about having the coldest,
wettest summer in twenty years. That will suck harder than getting
aids.
Now please prepare yourselves
as I endeavour to dazzle you all with tales of my life from the
last week...
Saturday started ultra slowly
so I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to do some shooting. First
time in about six months and the first time I have been solo. Good
fun and also interesting to note that my accuracy was probably better
than it's ever been. The rest of the day was extremely uneventful
so shant bore you all with it.
Sunday was a phenomenal day.
I wish every day could be as good. It kicked off at 6.25am sharp
with a knock on my bedroom door from my sister urging me to 'wake
up'. I'm told I had previously agreed [something I strangely don't
seem to remember] to drive her and several others into the city
for the City To Surf. As much as I hated them for making me get
up so early on a Sunday it was soon all forgotten with pervage on
the plethora of fine chicks dotting the streets.
By the time I got home I was
ready to do something because it was absolutely perfect as far as
the weather was concerned. I began with mowing the lawn. Admittedly
it could probably have lasted another week or six without a cut
but owing to the fact I was full of energy there was no point wasting
it. I followed up with some weeding and wanton destruction of a
tree that had some storm damage.
Next on the agenda was to wash
my car. That makes it twice in two weeks! Its been a long, long
time since that has happened and I don't really know what inspired
it but I'd definitely forgotten how much easier it is to clean when
there is only a weeks worth of dirt on there as opposed to four
or five months...
By the time I finished it was
1pm so I jumped in the shower and then the car to go and find some
footy food. As always there was no food in the house so I hit the
shops to find some. Not surprisingly the supermarket was manic -
people everywhere trying to get supplies for the day ahead. On the
way back I stopped past the local bottle shop to grab a carton and
it was the same deal. Every man and his dog had seemingly left it
to the last minute to grab beer. You could feel a buzz in the air.
So why all the madness? As I
mentioned last week, Sunday was Derby day. West Coast versus Fremantle.
The two local AFL teams head to head made even sweeter by the fact
they are both near top of the ladder and obviously playing at their
respective peaks.
By 2.30 everyone had rocked up
at mine, trash talk was flung back and forth in regards to which
team would walk away victorious, the game was on and beer was consumed.
Unfortunately by the time everything
was said and done West Coast were sadly defeated but enough about
that. We moved proceedings outside and continued drinking until
around 7.30 when we realised if we didn't eat soon we were going
to die. The fix? Pizza. We ordered and a time of 45 minutes for
delivery was given despite my attempts to sweet talk the girl taking
our order.
8.30pm... no pizza. I call and
ask where it is and she explains that with the derby on they were
suddenly extremely busy and it shouldn't be much longer. 9.00pm...
still no pizza. Call again and get the same excuse. 9.30... still
no fucking pizza! I call AGAIN and this time they work out that
the reason it never came is because they had the wrong street. This
immediately beckons the question: why bother asking for someone's
phone number if you're not going to call it when there is a problem?
Retards. Thankfully the pizza [when it did arrive two and a half
hours late] was magnificent.
What a great day. Football, beer
and hanging out with mates. It's what weekends should always be
about.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
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How long have I been promoting Newbie
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Check it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com
has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured
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engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if
they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't
heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest
sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This
is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics
of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How
does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Alba
Realty - Aria
Hotness - Nude
Shopper - Mark
Your Territory - Cake
Mania! - C'mons
Revenge - Wanker
Plates
Boobie
CarWash - Babes
Making Out - Scarlett's
Rack - RateMyPix!
- Orsm
Reviewed - Adriana
Lima - Celeb
Poses
"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school
are using words I don't understand." "What words, dear?"
"Pussy and bitch." Mum inhaled sharply, but then said,
"Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens.
A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mum."
He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at
school are using words I don't understand." "What words,
son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think
she told me the right meaning." Dad said, "Son, never
ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain
it like this... " He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned
to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said,
"Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay,
Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied, "Everything outside
the circle!"
--
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband,
"You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle,
would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor
would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
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An Italian, a German and an Australian football
fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught
pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.
The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out
the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of
the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly
granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change
the number of lashes or the type of punishment.
The Italian says "Well we are the World
Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow."
The Sultan grants his wishes.
With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer
and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the
pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining
10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
The German saw all this and spends a few minutes
thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows
for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the
wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes
in one go.
However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows
have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining
5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.
The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and
mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty.
"Ok my first wish is to double the number
of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.
The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised
at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance
the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006.
The Italian and German look at each other and
nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough
he is. The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie
the Italian to my back!"
ORSM
VIDEO
I
GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR
PENIS WILL LOVE FUCKING IT!
In school one day the teacher decided in science
class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front
of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw
material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I
would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could
buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum
because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would
want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He
responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and
you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
There once was this white fella who was feeling
lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted
to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim
his undying ever-enduring love for her.
After much contemplation he thought what better
way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed
onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his
deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went
to a tattoo parlour and had it done immediately.
Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the
tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised
and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became
erect. He could hardly wait for her return.
The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was
due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport,
beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his
surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.
While he was waiting for her plane, he went into
the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next
to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella
looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA"
on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks
at him.
"I just had mine done - it really says 'Wanda,'"
beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?" The black
fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says, "Well
mine says, 'WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"....
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com
yet? Its the webs only FREE
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a look!
READER MAIL
Email email email... light of my
life, bain of my existence. As I'm sure you guys have come to expect
there has been some highly entertaining and kick ass email flooding
my inbox this week. I swear it seems to pile up faster than I can
get through it but please don't ever stop!
If
you would like to submit your
own bits and shits and possibly have them featured on the main
page then we are always happy to receive pretty much anything you
can stuff in an email and send this way. On the wanted list are
pics of an evil Ex, messed up videos, pics of any shape or form
and any other general retarded stuff you have lying around. All
you've got to do is click
here and make that magic happen!
John Clements
wrote:
Subject: You write: "It's the ones that take your junk and
resell it that I want to stab."
Why on earth should this bother you?If
it were worth your while to sell it yourself, you'd do it.
The fact is that (presumably) your time is too valuable
to spend lugging your junk around trying to sell it. There
are others whose time is worth less, though, and so it's
worth their while to comb through your junk and sell bits
of it. That's called reuse, and it's certainly better than
consigning useful things to the waste stream.
Because they make a mess. Because
they glare at you. Because they have no shame. Because they
are rude. I could go on if you like? -Orsm
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Shilpa Patel
wrote:
Subject: A history lesson
Hi Mr Orsm. A friend just sent
this to me and I thought you could maybe use it? Love
your site by the way-jokes and pics.(and you show the guys
bits and not just the girls)
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ian simpson
wrote:
Subject: Arseholes and assholes
Tell that asshole John Leal that arsehole
is an english word. and whilst we are at it fuck off you
arent having the ashes back
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Shannon
wrote:
Subject: Priceless for my ex Patrick
Bastard cheated on me so I felt no better
way than to make sure he has hard time finding a new girlfriend.
New Camera for girlfriend $300. New Computer for Girlfriend
$1,000. Leaving Nude photos of your 2 inch dick on her computer
after you cheated on her: Priceless.
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Josh Wilkinson
wrote:
Subject: 599 Caught Fire
Hey Orsm, As you may know, Ferrari unvieled
a new car in February of this year, declaring it "[their]
most powerful V12-engined production car of all time."
The car is called the Ferrari 599 GTB. Well I just saw one
on fire here in Dallas, TX the other day. Couldn't believe
my eyes. The car has revelead to the world for just 6 months,
and they're already being wrecked. I hope it's user error,
so that Ferrari doesn't spend its time fixing lawsuits.
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andy
wrote:
Subject: free cock?
hey dude, love the site, i've read it
every week for about 4 years or so. i went to a nascar race
in bristol, tennessee this past weekend. i had been warned..
i would be amongst the reddest of rednecks and i wasn't
the least bit disappointed! all shapes and sizes.. but mostly
in XXXL. nothing like sitting next to 160,000 fat, stinky
fans in 90 degree heat! on my walk to the race track, i
saw something that i thought might fit well on your website..
a sign pointing at some "free cock". hope you
enjoy...
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Ron Spam
wrote:
Subject: Dirty Old Homeless Dude
Hi Mr. ORSM, Great site btw. I just got
back from a holiday in Rome, and we regularly had homeless
people sleeping on the street outside our hotel. This was
the view from our hotel window at 5.30pm one evening - didn't
we have a great view! Keep up the good work.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Portman Money Shot
Here is a pic of Natalie Portman in V
for Vendetta. Thanks. Keep up the great work!
I watched this a few weeks ago.
Her in that costume made it all worth it. -Orsm
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Real Rock
wrote:
Subject: stress testing new bike
I have a great picture for you of our
neighbor stress testing a bike. You are gonna be amazed
at that the bike survived after you see what he did. Scroll
down to see his homebrew testing method......
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Bryan Hill
wrote:
Subject: holiday pics
howzit, yeah just got back from a ski
holiday over at perisher blue. unfortuantely on my first
day i thought id muck around on a snowboard before any lessons
and broke my arm, yay for me. anywho, the point is with
a week in the snow and nothing to do but take pics and walk
around i got a few nice ones (no hot babes due to the -6
temp). pics attached, and as a last note, if u ever break
ur shoulder try to avoid long flights home...
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Parade
Hey ORSM. We had a parede today in Auckland.
Boobs on bikes, its for the sex expo on this weekend. These
are all porn stars and they came down Queen Street in Auckland
today with their tits out. Was awesome to be there. These
pics were taken by a mate of mine. Please keep my details
private mate. Thanks.
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Jellyman
wrote:
Subject: BAX Global flight 705BX
Hi Orsm! I have a friend in the airlines
who sent me some cool evidence of how safe flight is...
Date: Fri, 11 Aug
2006 15:56:01 -0600 Last night circa 2300 our BAX aircraft
flight 705BX encountered severe weather over Alberta Canada.
The aircraft was cruising at 35,000 feet when it encountered
tennis ball sized hail. The pictures below show some of
the damage. All landing lights were destroyed, as was the
radar. The crew was forced to make a "blind" emergency
landing. Upon safe return to the ground the first officer
and flight engineer quit. It is expected that the aircraft
is a total loss as its structural integrity has been compromised.
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magoo
wrote:
Subject: beach
Hey orsm. Just got back from Bali and
read your latest update about wanting to cruise down the
beach. Here's some pics of Jimbaran Bay at sunset. Use em
on your site if you like, I just wanted to rub it in!!!
Thanks mate... really appreciate
it. Really! -Orsm
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Nafe
wrote:
Subject: On the fone while driving
The following pictures were taken near
Grande Prairie, Alberta in Canada. The driver was on his
cell phone and speeding. Miraculously everyone was okay,
all walking around scratching their heads wondering how
they escaped.
Ooops... -Orsm
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That Guy
wrote:
Subject: Too many horses
This is what happens when you pump 100psi
into a Cummins Diesel. Notice it's not the head that was
the weak point!!
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Liam
wrote:
Subject: westlocals video
Howdy again, got another vid for ya.
one of our latest from westlocals.com
its called Deceptafreak for anyone who wants to know the
name of the song, it "Deceptafreak by Le Tigre (Missy
Elliot remix)" keep up the tip top stuff on the site.
cheers
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richard
wrote:
Subject: Answering Machine Message (funny)
Hey there, I've been a huge fan for a
number of years now and always look forward to new updates.
A guy I know was at a party and wanted to be a prick so
he stole answering machine tape from the hosts' phone. When
he listened to the tape this is the message he found. It'd
be awsome to see this make the site so I hope you like it.
Hilarious. -Orsm
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Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are
too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better
than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart
before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because
ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like the sleeping
in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine
ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves
to feed, no feed to stack, nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad,
coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon, and by that
time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye
is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not
firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull
got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta
do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece
of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in
little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like
fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza
all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks
like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by
this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and
three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only
5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys
to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your
loving daughter, Sheila.
ORSM
VIDEO
In the dark and gloomy room, gazing
at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the fortune teller delivered
the bad news. "There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll
just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a quick, violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the Tarot
cards, the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle,
then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths to
try to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice and asked: "Will I get away with it???"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house
to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked
how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2
people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for
trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many
years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time
to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just
the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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A bloke calls his mate, the horse trainer, and
says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks
"How will I recognise him?" That's easy, he's a midget
with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the trainer asks
him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the trainer picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes
the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The trainer is gettin' pretty pissed off by this
point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the trainer
grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; can I thee her wun awound
a widdlebit"?
A chicken goes in to a library, jumps on to the
counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book, book, book".
The librarian looks at the chicken and says "what?"
The chicken say "book, book, book, book... book,
book, book, book" So the librarian hands the chicken a book and
the chicken leaves.
10 minutes later the chicken is back, jumps on
to the counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book, book,
book". The librarian thinks 'he must be a speed reader' and gives
the chicken another book and the chicken leaves.
10 minutes later the chicken is back again, jumps
on to the counter and goes "book, book, book, book... book, book,
book, book". The librarian couldn't believe it but gives the chicken
another book and the chicken leaves.
The librarian's curiosity got the better of her
and she follows the chicken. She follows the chicken down to the
local pond, where there's a big bullfrog. The chicken goes up to
the bullfrog, holds up the book and says "book, book, book, book...
book, book, book, book". The bullfrog looks at it at says "redit,
redit, redit".
SLAP A CO-WORKER
Friday 1st September is the official Slap Your
Irritating Co-workers day:
Do you have a co-worker who talks
non-stop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and
boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker
who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have
a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone
else clears it?
Well, I am so very glad to officially announce
Friday 1st September as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!
Here are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again
in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take
their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head
with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
If questioned by a supervisor, you are allowed
to LIE, LIE, LIE!
Now, study the rules, break out your list of
folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of, and get
to slapping... and have a great day!
ORSM
VIDEO
Well guys that's I hate to say it but the mammoth
effort you've just spent your time surfing is all I'm good for this
week. Believe it or not I worked my ass off on this one so if I've
managed to keep you from whatever else it was that you were supposed
to be doing then it was all worth it!
In case you were wondering – YES I shall
return next Thursday with another update that will hopefully leave
you wanting more and more and more... like this one did right...?
In the mean time all I ask is that you spend every spare moment
tirelessly telling the world about the amazing site you found called
O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and
stay out of my bad books. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
