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August 2007...
 
orsmupdate 2007.08.30-23.10
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Welcome to Orsm.net. It's never been more fashionable to do drugs.

Howdy Kent, Clint and folks.

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I'm now in the last throws of my twenties which, when you consider it, is only really just a bunch of numbers and shouldn't mean much. Nothing actually changes right? One day I'll be 29 and the next 30. Will I sprout wings and fly away? No. Am I going to be pulled aside and told secrets that only people in their thirties are privy to? Probably not. Will my hair start falling out? No - I already made a headstart [no pun intended] on that. And most importantly - will I lose my boyish charm?

Nonetheless I can't help but feel the most eagerly anticipated part of my life is now over. I spent so many years looking forward to 'my twenties' and in the blink of an eye they're all over. Sands through the hourglass and all that huh? I'll probably delve into this more over the next three weeks so stay tuned for more poorly formed thoughts...

Moving on to me and my escapades for the week... it goes without saying this section would be completely empty if we relied on my intellect and wit to fill it so me is what you get...

Friday night Football - if there's a better way to start a weekend I don't know about it! We watched the game at a mates brothers 21st birthday party which also just happened to be full of tasty 20-21 year old chicks. One thing I noticed - despite the Eagles kicking arse - is that whilst the girls are pretty much the same as they were when I was 21, the one glaring difference is they all seem to dress like retards now. I have absolutely no idea what the style/fashion is called but there's definitely some ties to maternity wear. Are you pregnant? No? Then jump into something figure-hugging so we can check out your parts.

I slept like a crack baby that night. Last week was such a mega-bitch - this damn website consumed far too much of my life and hours spent sleeping were at an all time low so you'd think by Friday night I would just wipe out and have a solid 8 hours. Uh-uh. I woke up like a zombie the next morning and carried it with me all day. Didn't really matter though - Saturday just sort of blew by. Hit the shops to do groceries then back home to clean the house after the new cleaning lady pulled a no-show. Bitch. Did I mention I wasn't impressed by that? Bitch.

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Probably shouldn't have agreed to doing anything Saturday night. A friend floated the idea earlier in the day and I agreed for reasons still unclear to me but, not wanting to be that guy who cancels at the last minute, off I went. Turned out to be good fun though... haven't gone out and just had a couple for aaaages.

Once again any hopes of a solid 8 hours had long been dashed. My sister and her other half had entered in the annual City To Surf marathon... but not the short one - no - the long one... the one that starts WAY earlier. Good for them... they chose to run 21 kilometers but take a guess who gets roped in? ME! 5-fucking-30am wakeup. That's before the sun rises and coincidentally before anyone with half a brain rises too. I did laugh all the way home though... literally 90 seconds after they jumped out of the car the rain came and it came hard. That'll teach em...

It's probably safe to say that this is the miracle update. Completely without prompting, wobbles or warning around midday my PC locked up. Mother fucker of a thing. I've learnt over the years that patience is often preferable to extreme forceful measures so I left it - 5 minutes... 10... 30 minutes... nothing. I couldn't wait any longer so I hit the reset button and took my chances. Of course by doing this I torched a pretty big chunk of unsaved update goodness but it's a Thursday so what else did I expect? Anyway it took a couple of hours, countless reboots and near constant swearing before I traced it to a dicky cable that for no apparent reason had wriggled its way loose. Fucking computers. Anyway lets get on with it shall we. Check it...

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Angelina Nude - Play Me - Fat Boss Fun - Oral Sex - Sasha - College Sex - Nail Gunner - Sultry Strip - Classic Porn

Drunk Chix - Super Troopers - Unfknblvbl - Funbag Flashing - Losers - Totally Busted - Asian FreakFest - Hot Slut

Jessica Biel - Nut Shot Revenge - Anna Faris - Amy Skankhouse - FTV Babes - Sex Ed - Drifting - Booooobies

Click for more awesomeness

Doctor said "You've got to stop masturbating". Guy says "Why?". Doctor said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
--
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count arsehole?!"

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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life!" She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?," asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
So much mail poured into my inbox this week that I lost over a day going through it all. Crazy. It varied from stuff that I've seen a million times before, to feedback from you guy's to some of the stuff you see below. If you've got something to say or share or just something you think belongs on the site then drop me a line right here - I'd love to hear from you!

gridsmasher wrote:
Subject: the dirty gweedos
All those pics you have of the over tanned and spiked haired fags first where did you get the pics and second.... why the HELL are all of them having their lips out all weird in each picture? I'm not a gweedo nor do I live by any cause im poor and they are obviously rich with their fancy bottle of grey goose and fancy clothes. If you have any answers to why they pose like that can you please post them in an update or shoot me an email with an answer. I'm dying to know

Posers... unless I'm missing something? Anyone care to comment? -Orsm

Olivier wrote:
Subject: Reply to a video...
This is a message to the guy who sent in this "revenge" video showing his ex sucking his dick. Listen, fucktard, it would be revenge if you showed more of the girl and less of you. All we see is her face and your dick. What is more personnal in this? A face, or a dick? Nice job, stupid. Now the whole world knows what your dick looks like. The only thing you've done here is show the whole world that she can suck a dick... and that is a good thing for her. You call that revenge? If you want revenge, show a movie of her masturbating or something ... now THAT would be revenge.

John wrote:
Subject: Medieval bollocks
The crap about the 1500s was entertaining, but still crap. Don't believe a word. Love the site, bla bla bla bla (you deserve a fourth bla)

Dave wrote:
Subject: Lion frenzy
Sup homie. Long time reader here, love your work. That vid you posted with the lions eating the idiot is not quite right in my books, READ: it has HOAX written all over it. I work at Melbourne zoo and although I don't keep the lions I do see em often and have been to Africa once on a big game safari and I can tell you, that vid was a setup, those lions were tame. They were just playin with him, not bringing him down like a wild zebra or wildebeest. Those bad boys go for the neck so he would have been decapitated but instead they were pissing around with his arms while the others were lazing around. I don't think its real, but that's just my opinion.

Have to agree... the whole thing doesn't feel quite real. Particularly how the guy is supposed to be getting mauled yet the amateur camera man is mindful enough to swing around from the action and get shots of the screaming wife and crying baby. -Orsm

Peter M wrote:
Subject: Number Plate
Pic of a number plate I snapped in Canberra a couple of weeks ago. The guy driving was a grey old bugger who probably had no idea! The kids probably bought the plate for him as a joke! Hope you can use it on your site.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: vomit man on vacation
hey orsm i found this picture on in my auntys stack of pictures from her holiday to melbourne. this guy had vomited all over himself in the male toilets. my aunty and her friend went into the toilets and took pics of him here is one of them i hope it gets posted on ur site.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: BIG Moth
I got this photo off a mate. . . one of the native moths down in Tangguh.....

Ummm... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Terry wrote:
Subject: Frozen
Have You Ever Seen A Frozen Sea? Cape Town, in South Africa.

Looks cold. -Orsm

click for gallery
dale wrote:
Subject: Only In Hobart
Here you go Mr ORSM just to let the rest of the country know that there isnt a drought in tassie
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex girlfriend pictures
Hi Orsm. Love your site and keep up the good work. This bitch broke my heart so here is my revenge. Please hide my info.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: SAPS Firearms Training
Hi Mr. ORSM, Love the site, loads of different stuff to keep anybody amused. Only in the New South Africa is police training so serious, as this is the most dangerous country in the world our police has to be the best, right!?!?!? Ever wonder why crime is so high in the NSA? Here are some photos of how well the police in NSA are trained. You also need to consider that the policeman that come for target practice, do not always have their firearms or magazines as they sell them for money… When “shooting” at the target the police that do have their guns (till they need money for drugs) throw the whole gun at the target. Most of the criminals escape by running away from police who shoot at them. The trick, run in a straight line and they wont hit you...

click for gallery
Donny wrote:
Subject: 89 Civic Video
Long time reader, first time writer - love the site. I used to be a big stile fan but it doesn't hit the spot anymore - orsm all the way. I work in post production based here in Sydney and just recently we decided to make a little tribute video to my mates 89 civic. It's just for a laugh with a big shout out to aussie hip hop and all the georges that own sic civics out there, and I thought you would enjoy it. It's on youtube at the moment but if you think it's worth it let me know so i can send you a less compressed version for you to post.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: bj at 75 mph
Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoy your site. It's the only site I check every week for updates. Here is a short video I shot last weekend while driving on the interstate going 75 mph. There re a lot of pictures she has posted on newbie nudes.com under bj babe. Thanks for you site.
click to watch video

Paul wrote:
Subject: Reader submissions
Hi, great site I been on it for years and referring my mates for years. We went for lunch last week at a dodgy little shithole and one of my mates put on a show for us

Gotta be stolen surely? No one could do that to their own car...? -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...
 
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop being in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up the car.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me - that's if they don't steal my kidneys too.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a white tailed spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can't ever pick up $10 I dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies on certain days!
 
If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbours ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

ORSM VIDEO

Our anniversary was last Wednesday. We have been married for 36 years.

I took a look at my wife that day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde. Now we have a $250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big king-size bed and a 50" plasma TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 61 year-old gray-haired woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife, being the a very reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

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THE 7 KINDS OF SEX

SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "fuck you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least...

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

RANDOM SHITE
There were a few complaints about the content of last weeks RS but hey - its not like I didn't warn you guys. The question now is what have I concocted this week. Extreme wrongness or sweet delight? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest says: "'I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. But have you actually ever tasted it?" The rabbi says, "To tell the truth, I have, on the odd occasion."

He pauses a moment and then asks back: "And your religion... I know you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest says: "I know what you're going to ask. And yes, I have succumbed once or twice."

There is a long silence. But as the priest tries to look out of the window, the rabbi catches his eye. "You can't," he says, "prefer pork?"

click here for more

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops."

"She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well here we are ladies and gents. I shant crap on aimlessly for ever this week because its been a long one, I'm tired and sort of want to finish up for the day so I'll just cut to the chase...

- Check out the site archives. NOW!
- Next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray pester you all day, every day on MSN claiming he 'made you famous'. When you stop to ask him what the fuck he's on about he'll immediately go all faggish and start saying 'owned' and 'you just got your arse handed to you'. Eventually you'll have had enough and threaten to block him at which point he'll start acting like a normal human being until the next day when it all starts over again...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.08.23-23.23
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LaChelle loves it HARD!!

Welcome to Orsm.net. But that's nooo how you make porridge.

Wassup dudes? Yes here we are again... another week later and this week more than other weeks I'm wondering not only where the last week has gone [it's been a fast week!] but also how many times I can say the word week in one sentence this week. I'm betting six or seven.

Anyone else almost embarrassed to be an Australian this week? Maybe it was just a slow news week but the biggest, most covered story has been how the federal Labor party leader, the man who may be leading the country by years end, visited a strip club whilst in the US several years ago. Even more shocking - he was drunk! Big frickin' deal!

Honestly do we have nothing better to focus our attention on? Senior citizens are being bashed in their homes, kids are dying on the roads and red heads are almost extinct yet the lead story for three days was about Kevin Rudd visiting a strip club.

Admittedly this would probably be a bigger issue in other countries where conservative religious values are all important but this is Australia, mate! Grab a beer, sit back and enjoy the show. If anything this has just endeared dear Kevin to the boys and for that matter makes me wonder which side actually leaked the info to the media in the first place...

This reminds me of my own sordid past. For five years I worked in a factory making furniture and kitchens [and other shit that's probably long since fallen apart] with a whole bunch of similarly aged guys. All week long we looked forward to one thing - Fridays. Why? Because it meant 1pm knock off... which of course meant Raunchies at the Wangara Pub. The Raunchies were girls that came out and danced almost naked in front of drunk, screaming tradesman. If you were really lucky you'd be selected to go up on stage and remove a 'Rage with a Raunchy Lady' sticker from one of the girls 'parts' using your mouth. Happy days and all stuff I did years ago without having a clue where my future was headed...

My point? Australia likes to think of itself as a relatively modern thinking, open-minded country where that kind of stuff just isn't a big deal and nowadays you'd be almost hard put to find a guy aged under 40 who hasn't hit a strip club, surfed the internet for porn or smoked a bong.

Moving on to what's been going on because lets face it - I've still got half a page to fill and 99% of the people that come here have so little in their lives that they must live vicariously through mine just to make it through another day without wanting to kill themselves. Just like my friend Ray...

Anyway my weekend... I got up just after the crack of dawn [around two hours 'just after' to be exact] and got moving straight away. The plan for the day was simple - do some shopping [read: perving] and work out exactly what I'm doing for my birthday. So we headed to the local shopping mall, walked around for an hour assessing breast quality and then headed back to my place for lunch and to sort birthday invitations... which I might add are fucking great.

Sunday was plain uneventful. Pottered around the house for a few hours trying to get the place clean for the cleaning lady who starts this week [funny how that works huh?] and watching the V8's with a mate before -once again- messing around with invites. Mostly it was a case of staying out of the rain though and that more or less rounded out my weekend.

Okay I should probably just stop this meandering dribble and get on with it right? Shame really - I love these weeks! Sometimes I stare at the screen for hours trying to get a sentence out, other times the blog just writes itself. This was one of those weeks. No matter though... this update is better than going ass to mouth on the Olsen twins so strap yourselves in and get ready for the ride. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Perfection - The Game - Tourettes - Idiot On Fire - Vidsimo - Booty Time - Jessi Jaymes - Babe Makeout - Cum Shot

Crazy Woman - Wow Mia - It's Ursula - Pink Tease - Yoga Babes - What The?! - Car Bomb - Disturbing - Hairy Pussy

Xtreme Mormons - Nip Sting - Swedish Hotness - Shakin Dat Ass - Aguilera Cleav - Jenna Yucky - Melon - Party Gals

Click for more awesomeness

A really fat guy got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah." The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your dick?" The fat man answered, "Long time." The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?" The fat man replied, "Why? What colour is it now?"
--
My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary drinker to the bartender. "Is that so?" "Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"

click here for more

LIFE IN THE 1500'S
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

-Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

-Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying: 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water'.

-Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs etc) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: 'it's raining cats and dogs'.

-There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

-The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying: 'dirt poor'.

-The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying: a threshold.

-In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: 'peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old'.

-Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could 'bring home the bacon'. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and 'chew the fat'.

-Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

-Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

-Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of 'holding a wake'.

-England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Now, whoever said history was boring?

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated me from afar! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen!

Roy wrote:
Subject: SICK SICK!!
Well well webmaster, After seeing that disgusting videoclip of a man being eaten bij lions.. I want to tell you that NO ONE deserves what he gets. It's a FUCKING SICK VIDEO!! And those who think it's a cool video... I have a message for them: GO FUCK YOURSELF SICK FUCKERS!

He left the safety of the car and approached a wild animal known for eating humans. How did he not deserve that? Unfortunately stupidity has a price. -Orsm

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Please help me...
Help me settle an argument - check out Councillor Eileen Kinnear on this staff page. Is she wearing glasses or not???
JB wrote:
Subject: Rather...
Far right hand side, Fifth line down. Check her out. Rather unfortunate.
Andy Stewart wrote:
Subject: Five Million Goldies
Hey there Mr Orsm, a mate sent me your contact details and after viewing your site I hope  I am not wasting your time. Please accept my apologies if this is indeed the case. Anyhoo, he thought you might be interested in this vlog and the message behind it. I'll leave it up to you as to whether you can help us spread the word.

MARTY wrote:
Subject: 60 YR. OLD
A VERY FUCKABLE 60 YR. OLD CUNT, DON'T YA THINK ? ( JUST BEEN SHAVED HENCE THE SOAP )

60? There's something oh so nasty about that... -Orsm

click to enlarge
A CITIZEN wrote:
Subject: Big dog ?
I would hate to see the family dog... These were taken about 25 km. from the location of the tornado (of June 22/07) that you showed on your July 12/07 update.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
TW wrote:
Subject: Inspiration from MPEG's
So the story goes that a few dudes (or in this case nerds) in Canberra watch an MPEG about a tripped out homeless dude with a gold trolley in the states. A few friday night beers, a trolley and a can of gold spray paint later they too have a sweet ride. Trolley gets returned to BIG W Canberra Centre and nerds giggle all the way home... mmmm.... maybe the gold trolley thing might catch on around OZ? (maybe not!)
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Josh wrote:
Subject: pics
pics of some cunt online i hope you enjoy

Little harsh. I do enjoy though... -Orsm

click to enlarge
mtn_chef wrote:
Subject: that's gonna leave a mark....
Just wanted to share my lastest accomplishment. This is the result of several beers and the descision to ride a bike, rather than drink and drive. Nose wheely's are not the best idea and I'm only thankful for having health insurance and not cracking my fucking melon on the pavement....live large and go big... life is rather boringotherwise.... Thanks agian.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Upper decking
First off, let me say your site rocks and i love seeing the new updates! So anyways, i sent you an e-mail about doing my ex a while ago....fucking bitch... she's now doing the guy she cheated on me with... but i now have a MUCH better email to share here.... I was over at her house for a minute (don't ask why.. long story) and I decided to get a little revenge on her... I politely asked to use the b-room...and here are the results.... :D :D Please hide my info thanks!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: M3 Hits lampost
My bosses M3 please do not publish my details

Poor M3. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend pictures
here enjoy i did also dont use my info
click for gallery
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Roo's Shooting.
G'day from the middle of N.S.W. Had a boys weekend shooting and drinking in late May of this year (another one planned for mid October, provided some of them can get a permission slip from their missus) and all of the boys were firmly convinced. This was a job for ORSM. He needed to help us to tell the world what Roo shooting in Australia is all about. By the way, all the boys (11 in total and all past 35) have been dedicated addicts of ORSM.net (Yep, the blog as well) in all it's shapes and mis-adventures since about November 2000. Bloody fantastic. Normally I wouldn't give a shit if you printed my details but in this case the dudes at N.S.W. National Parks and Wildlife might have a fit and come looking for me, let alone how many rampant PETA supporters will be baying for my blood, so I ask, don't post the details dude.
Mike wrote:
Subject: your pics
Excellent photos there Mr 'O' what cam? but with scenery like that and a good cam even an amateur like you looked like a pro, here's some of mine taken with a scabby old Kodak less than 2mega pix , any readers know where?
click to enlarge

Draino wrote:
Subject: Gut Punch
My mate Scotty punching his girls brother flat out in the guts, Scott lost 30 bucks for his effort.

A no-returns-hard-as-you-can-gut-punch for $30...? Worth every penny! -Orsm

click to watch video
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Burn out in a rental car!
Goodday.......... love this shit! Recently went on a month long trip with my girl to Europe. Rented a caravan and drove 5000KM......great time! Last 2 days we were without the RV so we rented a car. Alfa Romeo GT, sweet car, can't get them in Canada. Anyways...... after driving a RV for a month, this thing was a dream to drive. Here's a video of me warming up the tires for the next guy that gets to rent this thing!
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Two Man Shovel
Well here you go, a couple Pakistani's trying to reinvent the wheel. They seemed pretty proud of their accomplishment too. Don't know if it is just me but they look so fucking stupid I laugh my ass off every time I see this video. Don't share my email of course, hide any contact information etc, and keep up the great work.
click to watch video
whore Bag wrote:
Subject: Revenge is sweet.
Please find attached copies of my wild ex whore of a girlfriend who broke my heart, now please post on web site and break hers... pleasing a few others out there while you do it.
click to watch video
Harold wrote:
Subject: How to shoot yourself in the head with a ricochet
one of the luckiest men alive. This guy is shooting an AR 50 @ a 1" thick steel plate from 100 yards away. Make sure you have the volume up, it helps you appreciate it. I hope he looked up and said thank you LORD!
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A manager at had of hire someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of". The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Rudy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Rudy replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!". "WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Rudy. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Rudy got the job.

ORSM VIDEO

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that was available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

click here for more

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we have been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

RANDOM SHITE
It's been far too long since I included anything perverse or disturbing in RS. I'm here to tell you that this week i have mixed things up a bit. Enter at your own risk! Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

natalie portman and hillary duff porn

Click for more awesomeness

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

click here for more

As I left the house this morning and stepped out into the rain and gusty wind I thought to myself...

I then began to walk the long journey to the bus stop, eventually having to abandon my umbrella for fear of it breaking or flying away and being left to continue without protection against the ferocious elements, I again thought to myself...

At last reaching the haven of the bus stop it quickly became clear that the small structure was more likely to fall on me than shelter me from such an intense storm, and again I thought to myself...

After waiting 10 minutes for the bus I was delighted to see it finally make its way slowly towards me, I try my best to protect my eyes from the stinging spry and blinding wind and stand out by the very side of the road arms waving furiously so the driver might actually see me in enough time to stop, once again I thought to myself....

The bus stopped and I was giddy with relief that was until I realised I was faced with the task of climbing over a bolted down green wheelie bin in the poring rain and torrential winds to actually get on the bus as it seems like most bus drivers this one thought he was a comedian and parked in front of the only object on the entire road... and I once again thought to myself...

DON'T FUCKING DRINK AND DRIVE... IT'S FUCKING NOT WORTH IT!!

click here for more

John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

ORSM VIDEO


This, boys and girls, is the end. All over. Finito. Done. Finished. Time for you to get back to work or whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing and me to find some dinner and get some sleep. But before you go...

- Check out the site archives. They're ready and waiting for you now.
- Next Orsm update will be next Thursday. And every Thursday after that until the end of time or until I get bored or die.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will quit his job and sit around all day playing Xbox, smoking bongs and wanking. How does this affect you? He'll be on the dole and its you taxes that will support his stoner lifestyle.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to fart. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.08.16-23.14

Welcome to Orsm.net. Wyld Stallyns Rule!

Wassup people? How's everyone going this week? Good? Glad to hear it. And me you ask? Fan-fairy-tastic! My only complaint is the cold. It's DEFINITELY winter. I know this because my balls have retracted so far north that I'm having trouble swallowing...

Let's get straight onto last week because besides from working like a rabid dog for the last few days trying to get on top of everything, there really hasn't been much going on that's blog-worthy... unless you guys wanna hear about my friend Shelly who is sick with the plague and most likely infected me? Or how I don't understand why Rexona suddenly began stamping 'Women' on the deodorant I've been buying for years? Or what my friend Laura is really going to name her bub?

As many of you may remember [read: heard me mention ten million fucking times] I've been trying for the last few months to get away for a few days and have a break. Of course something always pops up – the mumps kicked my ass, had whatever persons birthday to attend, someone needed a favour, nowhere to leave the dog, had an appointment... and so on. Always some pathetic excuse. The result? Well you could almost say erectile dysfunction - it never happens and the more I try, the more it doesn't happen and the more frustrating it gets.

So I worked my ass off early last week, pulled a couple of eighteen hour days, let the phone ring out, got the update sorted, got packed, dropped dog off with the parentals and come Wednesday morning was ready to go! Destination: Dunsborough.

The next few days were damn relaxing - my time to do what I want... so I did. Got up bright and early every morning, went for a coffee and then jumped in the car to go exploring. There wasn't really a plan from there. If I saw an obscure road I drove down it, passed through lots of little towns, hit some wineries, the chocolate factory, an olive oil farm that you could smell from a kilometre away [amazing], a deer farm, heaps of beaches and did a bit of bush walking. The best part though was finally getting a proper chance to play with my camera. There's a bunch of pics I shot here if anyone is interested. My skill level is firmly 'amateur' but had a lot of fun nonetheless.

Danielle LOVES it BIG!
Danielle LOVES it BIG!

I timed my little holiday/break/vacation/jaunt/whatever you wanna call it pretty well too. There was a couple of days of solid rain [which I was hoping for and love] plus its bloody great fun to drive the winding country roads at 110km/hr, stereo cranked up, rain hammering down. My baby [car] came back a little on the dirty side however... whatever gravel dust, bugs and sand becomes when its wet was caked over and under the whole car which took hours to get clean.

Initially the plan was to head home on Monday or Tuesday but come Sunday I'd seen everything I wanted to see, done everything I wanted to do and knew if I hung out a few more days it would screw this week up too much. No rush on the way back but - took a few scenic detours and just enjoyed the drive before arriving home early afternoon. The stats? 1228 kilometres, 154 litres of fuel, 20 hours 11 minutes behind the wheel and one very happy boy [me... not some secret gay lover!]. JUST what the doctor ordered.

Thankfully I think it's out of my system now and I should see me through the rest of this year without going insane. Four days was just long enough but in future I'll just try and get down for a weekender if the need arises.

Okay had enough yet? I could probably crap on for a few more paragraphs but its getting kind of late and I'm pretty thrashed so I'll just intro the update by saying its is an absolute fucking cracker today! One of the best! Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Cam Gurlz - Sally's Salon - Sick Bucket - Crazy Crash - Beach Godess - Power Belch - Classic Porn - Penthouse Pet

Au Naturelle - Perfection? - Feel The Heat! - Top Gums - Cool Game - Teen Strip - Lesbian Milk - Mile High Club

Skinny Dip - Office Wars - Azn Cutie - Tasty Topless - Carmen Electra - Nicole Richie - Mantime 911 - Bikini Hold

Click for more awesomeness

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

click here for more

A family of Fremantle Dockers supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.

While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Eagles footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey mole, I've decided to become an Eagles supporter and I want this for Christmas."

His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says, "Shit head, go talk to mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Eagles jumper stuffed up his VB shirt and finds his mum.
"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "Let's go talk to your father!"

Off they go to prison during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father. "Dad?" "Yes, Knackers?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Eagles supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."

Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, "No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!" and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.

About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?" The son says "Shit, I bloody well have!" "Good Knackers, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an Eagles supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Fremantle pricks."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 100 kilometres an hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!

click here for more

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum still look great. Dad I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present, Sorry." It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.  All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
You guys are doing a fucking great job! I've been absolutely hammered with awesome email over the last few weeks and it took me waaay longer than usual to get it sorted this week. The fucked up thing – there's still a shit load that I need to sort through and even more fucked up than that there's more quality email than I have space to put up! I will find a way though!

Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated me from afar! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen.

Big Blue Pappy wrote:
Subject: Best porn site
"The best Australian porn site out there"? I take exception - this is an overall entertainment site. True, the lovelies are fun to look at, but you offer so much more. From comedy to games to outrageous photography and a little political banter you have so much more you offer on a weekly basis ( let us not forget Pryceless). We have a show in the States called the "Best Damn Sport Show Period". I sir, nominate orsm.net the Best Damn Website Period!

Dixie wrote:
Subject: backwater
It was completed in 1985 with the release of fuel-efficient, low-emissions engines that had torque at low and high rpm and noticeable increases in horsepower-per-liter, 81 to be exact Older radiators constructed from brass or copper were heavy and susceptible to corrosion I don't have to, but if I want to, I can

As if. -Orsm

webmasterfag wrote:
Subject: that is terrible
that motorcycle accident picture was fucked up but even more fucked up are the people that keep stuff like that going yeah some dickhead took some pictures and posted it on the net . but that is someones brother he has family to alot of people hes a stranger i know of a local fatal accident where the body was in the heat half the day before they moved it but like hell i would share shit like that keep it fun keep it clean keep it sex filled i know a guy who submitted wrong shit on line and now i am fucking his wife while he is at work to pay for their stuff ts karma fuckers!!!!

click to enlarge

Jules wrote:
Subject: Gross Spit-Roast Leg!!!
Hello Mr Orsm. I was working on a building site yesterday when I noticed a huge scar on this blokes leg. As I was asking him about it I noticed the same scar on the other side of his leg. He said he did it on a birtbike. Smashed it to pieces and the only way they could save his leg was to go in and pin it back together. Otherwise they were going to cut it off. They left it as an open wound so it didn't get infected. He had a pic on his mobile that he sent to me. He gave up the dirtbike, but cycles, runs and does kickboxing - all within 12 months. I thought it looked like the underside of a lamb just about to go onto a spit roast. Enjoy your lunch!!

That makes my head spin. Seriously. -Orsm

stack&sue wrote:
Subject: another cool no plate
hey guy love your stuff a week without seems dead saw this no plate at the golf club and thought i better send it in to you

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "one night stand mails" ???
Hey Mr. Orsm, I am a long time female reader and first time responder. I just had one simple question... Why is it that these guys send you all these raunchy pix of these nasty girls they have had or are currently enjoying? I mean my husband and I read some of these emails you post and these guys almost seem jubilant that they are getting what they send you...I have seen very few in the past years that I would boast about if I were the one bangin' them. Anywho that is just my opinion. Other than that I love the site and thought I would send you a pic of me to show that not all females have to be fat, ugly, funky-breasted....etc. Even after marriage and kids =D Lots of love to you and yours Mr. Orsm and PLEASE keep up the amazing work!

I love red heads so absolutely hot BUT... how do I know this is really you...? I think we need to see more...!! -Orsm

Mike wrote:
Subject: Donkey punched truck. Excavator accident
Hi. Great site, been lurking here for years. Keep up the good work. Here is something I came across the other day, in Wellington NZ. Seems that somebody held on too tight ? Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some pics of my girl for all to maybe enjoy
G'day Mr Orsm, been contiplating sending some pics of my girl in for a while but now thanx to the marvelious efects of alchole i will. She is a bit of a show off and likes to be infront of the camera, we took these pics for our swingers profile, crazy life style to try, you all should check it out some time. hope ya like the pics, if ya sing out loud enough maybe i can muster some more ;)

LA LA LAAAA LAAAA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA. -Orsm

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Angela wrote:
Subject: random shit
randome shit i've collected
click for gallery

David wrote:
Subject: Iron Ore SR Collapse at CSN Itaguaí - 2 Aug 07
This is a stacker Reclaimer failing over sea's somewhere.....

Oooops... -Orsm

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Tezza wrote:
Subject: Hail storm
Hail Storm July 29 - Fort McMurray

Absolutely brilliant. Love that last picture. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi
Hey, ive been going to this site for sometime now. love it! any ways.... ive got a butt load of naked pics that i have of my ex.... it seems to me eveyone else is sending them in so i figured why not?... so here they are. oh could you please not post the details if you do choose to post them. Thanks
click for gallery

YABBEES wrote:
Subject: xr8
see ya later xr8

Only a Ford so no biggie... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just gonna show my girlfriends tits :)
Hey, I sent a couple pics of my girlfriends nice tits. Just thought the world should see what I get to enjoy. Please hide my details. Thanks!

Mmm boobies. -Orsm

click for gallery

VerySmallD pikku muna wrote:
Subject: Smallest dick!!
Look what i found =D This must be the smallest dick ever!

Oh no how did my cock pics get on the net? Just jokes ladies... mine is MASSIVE. True story. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: wifes tits
Hey orsm, i have been a fan of your sit for a very long time and until recently haven't had anything to submit. Here is a pic of an ex-wifes tits and pussy that I found the other day. I hope you and your other readers enjoy. Your site KICKS ASS by the way. Please hide my info
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex chick pix
Mr. Orsm I love your site and im here a lot, glad I can finally contribute. I hooked up with this hotty on vacation and she sent me these pix of herself, thinking she was cool I hung onto them but turns out she's just a whore like almost every girl out there. So here ya go. Show NO details or info thanks

click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.  So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The British Government beat me to it.

ORSM VIDEO

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time... no one moves... he removes his shirt... muscles ripple across his chest... she gasps... he whispers... "Iron this... then get me a beer."

click here for more

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

RANDOM SHITE
Everyone else may think you're a moronic, judgemental, retarded, fatso, whiney, incapable, unlikable, unattractive, homeless, dropout, redneck, boring, stoner, fag, douche bag loser... but RS thinks you're okay. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

natalie portman and hillary duff porn

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

click here for more

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock." the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fucks sake, you fucking cunt, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!"

ORSM VIDEO


This, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call the end of the update. It's a sad time for all but alas – if you follow the rules below I shall return in seven days... in seven days... in seven days...

- Check out the site archives. They long for you.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh yes... next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will declare war on prices.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... thats it really. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.08.09-23.00ish
click here for more
Click here for a wild 3way.

Welcome to Orsm.net. You're so on cock, dude.

What up, dudes? How are y'all this week? Me... as I write this - pretty bloody good but its two days ago so that may have changed but more on that below somewhere...

There was a big news story a few weeks back about a young woman who was driving along apparently minding her own business when suddenly another car pulled in front of her and jammed on the brakes. This caused her to swerve and run off the road. Her car was totalled, she broke a collar bone and lost the tip of a finger. The story keeps popping up in the news as police try to find the other driver and everyone wants to see this bad man go to jail.

This made me think of all the times I've had to pull in front of another car and step on the anchors and funnily enough never once was it done without some stooge provoking me. Want to sit in the right hand lane 15kms under the speed limit? When I get past you, you should expect it! Want to cut me off because you're too lazy to check a mirror? When I get past you, you should expect it! Drive like a retard? When I get past you, you should expect it!

My point? Maybe she deserved it! I'm sick of hearing 'this innocent girl/that bad man'. Yeah she could have been killed but I'm willing to bet she was driving along in peak hour, eyes closed, cigarette in one hand, mobile phone in the other, all whilst trying to change her baby's nappy. No wonder people get pissed off!

Anyway moving on to tales about me and my captivating life...

I'll start with Saturday because it was relatively amusing... I thought I'd try somewhere else to do groceries for a change. The usual destination is too big, too many people, takes twenty minutes to get a parking spot and even longer to find a trolley. So I took off in the opposite direction to a smaller shopping centre that was just as close but without all the same annoyances - friendlier people, quieter, no waiting for parking spots or trolleys. Was it really happening? Had I finally found Saturday morning grocery paradise? No chance...

It didn't take too long for me to realise this magical oasis had some dirty, hidden secrets. You know those people from your past that if you saw now you'd go out of your way to avoid eye contact? Not because you're scared but because they're really not worth your time and effort. It was full of them! A football coach that I hated - cunt [and my haven't we aged, Basil!?]. A tenth grade Social Studies teacher who made me spend more time sitting outside class than any other teacher - bitch [looks like those two screaming kids have really taken their toll, Leanna!]. I even spotted my brothers fourth grade teacher who for some reason was always rude to me. Thankfully I did at least run into some friendly faces but the big question is wether or not to return? Who could possibly be next that I've long forgotten...?

Upanatom bright and early Sunday. For the second day in a row we had absolutely perfect weather so I made the most of it by attacking some weeds and doing shit around the house. This of course was all just to kill time until the Western Derby...

For the uninitiated the Western Derby is the meeting of both West Australian football teams. It's a hotly anticipated, fiercely fought battle both by the players and supporters.

And with that I have nothing more to say about the Derby... except those mongrel Freo players cheated! Fuckers. [I did pick them to win though].

Moving on... I managed to get my shit together and escape for a few days so as you read this I'm somewhere in the deep southwest hopefully sucking on a glass of red, enjoying the winter weather.

Okay let's get on with the update shall we...? Someone told me that the REAL reason you guys come here is for all the free porn and vids and whatever else although I'm still not convinced - I always thought it was my wonderfully entertaining blog and magnetic personality...? Anyway... on with it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

50ft Stack - The Game - Ultimate Pubcrawl - Bum-tatsic - HOT Brunette - Stoopid Moose - Deep Fist - Brandy's BJ

Hallie On Cam - I Want Her - Great Prank - Webcam Dancer - Amazing 8teen - Golf Girls - Game Slap! - Drunk Pussy

Makes You Think - Stoopid! - Sarah Underwood - Aguilera Wow! - Girl on Girl - Bitch Bash - Superficial Friends

Click for more awesomeness

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals. The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, "In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat." The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, "At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware." The third man zips up and heads straight to the door. The Aussie says over his shoulder, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."
--
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

click here for more

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera, we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.  The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
It takes forever to sort through the millions, possibly billions, nay trillions of emails that come my way daily and it's always the first casualty when my week is in some way hindered or chomped. Thankfully, there is a massive backlog to get through so even though I haven't laid a finger on incoming mail since last update you guys would almost never know it!

Want to contribute to Orsm? I love nothing more than that annoying 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes when new email arrives so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way now! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen.

ROb wrote:
Subject: My input
Hey there Mr. Orsm... I went to a local Oriental Food Market her in Ontario, and while i was wasting time wondering the isles asking my self WTF am i doing here?? i found this... i took a double take cu it caught me off guard...i just HAD to take a picture of this.. Sorry for the blurry shots.. Cam phone isnt all to well.. ENjoy..Cheers from all of us here.. we love the updates..
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: number plates and boobies
I thought I would send me boobies as well, just because!! I hope you like em..... and please don't show my details if you put these up on your site
click to enlarge
Fernando wrote:
Subject: cool pics...
Hello Mr. Orsm, just like many other people, I have viewed your very, very cool sight for years and this is my first entry. These are a couple of pics taken during a down town, drink and ride (bicycles) in Ol' San Antonio, TX. I think it's a rat snake, any way, it's not poisonous, just stinky. Thanks, and keep up the good work. From South Texas.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
c c wrote:
Subject: Funny picture from college shower
I'm glad I was never a jock.... i wonder if Liquid Drano will get that out....
click to enlarge
Ian wrote:
Subject: superstition
superstition double shot
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V wrote:
Subject: eBay - Rooster Box Sale ( read the comments below!!!)
This was a genuine listing on Ebay until they pulled it down anto!!! Wrong but funny :)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: camel toe
nice camel toe withhold name and email

... aaaand exhale. -Orsm

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John D wrote:
Subject: Texas Women
For those of you who don't live here in Texas, and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians, well it is not true! In fact, we have ladies groups that meet regularly to discuss current events and develop needed home-skills. Here is a photo taken at a recent "Say NO to hillary" ladies group meeting in Houston.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ORSM dot net
Hey, You're doing a great job with the site, and apparently this webpage i came across the other day supports that. I, personally, believe you deserve more credit. Perhaps one of the best sites on the WWW. Keep up the great work mate.

have to agree. Orsm.net is the greatest website EVER. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Mike wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfriend
Enjoy! Fine Ex-Girlfriend Ass from Germany. 23 yo. Lives in Bavaria. Keep up the great work!
click for gallery
Phil wrote:
Subject: Bed Stain Photos
Hiya, I bought a new bed about a year ago, and have fucked between 20 and 30 women in it so far. Some women make more of a mess than others, and despite a very thick mattress protector my mattress doesn't look so new any more. And yes, I spend half my fucking life changing and washing bed sheets (bad pun intended). Ah well, at least I'm smart enough to fuck 'em on their side, so that I can get some decent sleep afterwards on the dry side...
click for gallery
Kuki wrote:
Subject: Ferrari burning
mr. orsm, excellent site. here are a few pictures of a ferrari (F430) in the Philippines that burned down last week. the owner is a friend of ours and he said he was just riding along the hiway, when he looked at his rear view mirror and his engine was already on fire. notice the headlights still on. we heard Ferrari was gonna replace the unit
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: Holiday Snaps
Went on holiday to Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands for the first two weeks of August 1987 and took these photos. Just wondered whether any of these three are now Orsm fans and recognize themselves - the beach was at Puerto Rico and I think it was a Tuesday afternoon ..
click for gallery
Hammy wrote:
Subject: Lexus Smash Pics
G'day Orsm, Read your site for years since a Pommy mate of mine sent a link. Dunno if you heard about a recent Lexus smash on Albany Highway a couple of weeks back but I took some pics of the carnage. I'd be happy if you used them. It's hard to believe that the guy walked away from this and was even prepared to do a runner. Buy yourself a Lexus if you intend smashing up your car and surviving, I reckon.
click for gallery
Algaenot wrote:
Subject: Huanchaco beach and Paracas, Peru
Hi Orsm, for the past few yrs. I have been going to Huanchaco ,Peru. I love that country. Here are a few Peruvian babes.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey bro
hey bro. i met this chick on a website and we started trading pics. here are some of her pussy. please hide my info
click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths. His parents tried everything - tutors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working. As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.

After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying.

Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference.  Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.

With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math!  She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked.

Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head, "No". "Was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms?"  Little Tommy again shook his head, "No".

"Then, what was it?" Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around!".

ORSM VIDEO

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.  On their way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous. Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald.  The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.  There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.  "Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour ago."

click here for more

PERFECT POON

Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat

Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat - Kat

Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.

"Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"

"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this." "Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"

"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."

RANDOM SHITE
Love me RS. Love me sweet. Err... just check it.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Here was this daddy dog, taking his puppy for a walk in the neighbourhood. As they came upon an empty tin can daddy dog said to the son: "When we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, looking nice and smelling willing. So daddy dog says: "This is lesson number two, so now watch." And he walks over to the bitch and fucks her.

So they went on and come upon a lamp post, daddy dog lifts his leg, pees on the lamp post, saying: "This is lesson number three - so now give me a summary of what you have learned, my son."

And the son says: "The first two were simple enough; if you find food, eat it; if you find a willing piece of ass, fuck it. But what is the message in the third one?"

Says daddy dog: "Well son, if you can't eat it or can't fuck it, piss on it."

click here for more

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

"I should get more," the crooker juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them." "They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother. "Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

click here for more

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin." Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B." "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma. The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.U.C.K.." Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock!"

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Okay let's wrap this up rapid style...

- Check out the site archives. Please.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I don't come back from you know where...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hit you up on MSN and act all tough. That's because he thinks you'll fear him. You won't fear him but you should because my friend Ray will bro-rape you just like his filthy hermaphrodite brother does to to him.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't fuck with the Chuck. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.08.02-23.12
Cody Lane likes it big
Cody LOVES It!

ten.msrO ot emocleW. God knows I'm not religious.

Howdy dudes. What's shakin'? Me - pretty bloody good... despite the fact I am a complete no-mate at the moment. As of yesterday most of my closest friends are now either residing or holidaying overseas which leaves me, chucklehead, mateless.

Talking of mates... who else has been sucked into FaceBook? Go on admit it! I don't know if it's just a fad or whatever but I'm totally addicted. I was sceptical at first - I never got in to MySpace but after hearing everyone talk about FaceBook constantly decided to sign up. That was about a month back and I've been hooked ever since.

So why is it so good? Basically if you've got friends living abroad or mates that you don't find time to catch up with often enough you can see what they're up to just by logging in. No need to surf through profiles and read blogs, no five page emails every six months. It's like hanging out without finding the couple of hours to do so. Bloody great idea.

Anyway moving on to me. That's why you're all here right? To hear about the mundanity [is that a word? Seems it is now...] of my life over the past week right? Okay here goes...

Friday was about as cruisey as it gets. Mini sleep-in due to a very late update night which in turn was due to a hardware malfunction which caused the site to be offline. Of course not my fault and beyond my control so all I will say is 'cunts'. Anyway after I got up and got my shit into gear I headed to the city with my old man for a Dim Sum lunch. Love that shit. Steam Pork Bun for Prime minister. From there it was homeward to look busy for the rest of the afternoon in preparation for Friday was Friday Night Football! Wooo.

I'd been hanging out all week for it as it was the first Friday night Eagles game all year so to make sure I got maximum enjoyment and because we get a delayed telecast on this [better] side of the country I avoided the TV, radio, news - everything... except the phone. And then <you know who you are> sends an SMS clearly alluding to the result. Okay so it didn't ruin the game but that's the fourth or fifth time this year someone has told me the result before I've seen the game. There should be some law against it or at least a humiliating punishment...!

Woke up Saturday with a zing in my step ready to take on world... which was unfortunate considering I had absolutely nothing to do. It didn't get much better from there either - did some shopping, entertained dog and dodged the rain. Come to think of it the only interesting thing to come out of Saturday was the horrific story from a mate who witnessed a guy get crushed to death by a cement truck that morning. Terrible yet morbidly fascinating.

Sunday wasn't much better. Once again I'd hatched an ambitious plan to get away down south or up north or west or east or where-fucking-ever for a few days this week but to do that I needed to get this update plus a million other niggling little things done. Basically it meant working Sunday which I was cool with due to the rain.

Talking of rain... it feels like the most we've had in years. Big grey clouds everyday lately and I love it. Hopefully it keeps up for a while but not so long that I have a nervous breakdown from not being able to wash my car for the another three weeks.

As I was saying - a few days away. This week just went weird. Shit popped up, commitments, appointments, scheduling conflicts, people to see - long story short, it was never going to happen... so I guess I'll try again next week!

Okay I think that's enough crapping on for this week. I have my doubts whether or not anyone actually reads my blog so it probably doesn't matter what I say here right? Because if anyone read it you'd know that I called your mum fat. And that I said your sister fucks like a world champ. And your dad got arrested for fiddling my friend Ray. Lets get on with the update! Check it...

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Bum-Licious - Spooky - Emily 18 - Sexy Tits - Karma Sutra - Erica Campbell - Gimme Money - Hot 3some

More Carmen - Dangerous Dunk - I Dream Of Pornie - Itchy Nuts - Amber Fox Porn - Pussy Whipped?

Family Guy - Ass2Face - Call Transfer - Killer Rack - Tara Bikini - Mean Girls - Damage - New Hendrix

Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar. One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
--
What's the horrible fatty bit around the clitoris called?? The Wife.
--
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank vodka tonics with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny and was never farted on. The End.

click here for more

Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm. Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.

The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions.

The young man was stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.

Bjorn went to his loving girl friend, and the two tried to decide what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered it could. The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan."

The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met.

She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the Bjorn they had heard so much about.

"Don't worry," his girl friend explained quickly, "He was Bjorn yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."

Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him keep the name for a week. I'd hate to think that there was Juan Bjorn every minute!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

click here for more

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him. "Fucken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
This was one of those odd weeks where it felt like zero mail rolled in... until I had a good look yesterday that is - my fucking inbox was fuller than my friend Carlier's toilet bowl after a hearty Kangaroo Bolognese. Add to that the backlog from the last few weeks and this reader mail is fuller than a fat chicks socks.

Want to contribute to Orsm? I love nothing more than that annoying 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes when new email arrives so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way now! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen.

Greg wrote:
Subject: kantong
I totallt agree with you about the kantong ad. I fucking hate it and its disgrace to an Aussie icon like vegemite. I agree with every word you said in your tirade on that SHIT kantong. Nice!

Boycott Kantong! -Orsm

Pappy wrote:
Subject: Scuba pool
Oy Mate! Found that pool for you. Been an ORSM reader for years, Los Angeles, now Pensacola. Been diving for a few months, found this in a training mag. Pool is 33M/109ft deep, 86 degrees F year round. Nemo33.com. Brussels, Belgium. Keep on mate, you've kept this former recon Marine from going postal a few times in the civy world, I just pull your site up on my cell and relax a bit, then go back to dealing with the microcosm of morons.

ripper wrote:
Subject: Diving Pool!!
Dive 115 feet in a pool! Swimming pools are okay for learning scuba diving basics, but 12 to 15 feet just isn't very deep. Well, that is one problem visitors to the NEMO33 facility in Brussels, Belgium don't have. NEMO33 has the world's deepest pool with a pit that goes down to 115 feet. There's almost no chlorine smell, complete visibility all the way down to 115 feet, year-round termperature of 86 degrees, and different depth levels where students can train. There are also caverns and caves at 33 feet, and even pressurized air bells at 25 and 30 feet. NEMO33 even offers night dives, and the facility is also routinely used by professional and commercial divers for training sessions. Prices range between 12 and 18 Euros per hour.

Dozens and dozens and dozens of emails about this. Cheers to everyone who replied! -Orsm

mark wrote:
Subject: cow being fed to tigers.
your right that video of the live cow being fed to those tigers is fucking wrong, and the cockheads sitting there laughing at it need a fucking wake up call as far as i'm concerned. who the fuck likes watching that, with that tourist bus watching it and all. could have at least shot it first. people my argue that in nature this thing happens everyday, however at least the animal has a chance to get away, not just dumped out of a truck in front of them. most animals that are hunted by tigers and stuff can run pretty quick and most of the time they get away. yeah mate i agree, it is disturbing. shoot all the fuckers who animals locked up, and that doesn't seem to be a place for tigers to be bred, seems like a tourist attraction.

Again, something that provoked a massive response from you guys but rightly so - at least give the poor thing a sporting chance OR make sure it doesn't suffer. -Orsm

Cynr wrote:
Subject: Road Train Bruce Hwy
Hi big "O". Heard a rumour that they were sending new electrical transformers to Cairns by road, maybe that's what they were doing, heavy bastards I believe. What a hell of a road trip 1800km!!

Phill Ash wrote:
Subject: What's the Deal?
'lo Orsm! I've got a complaint - not about your site - but what I see as a problem that is pervading the Interweb. There seem to be two major factions, "Foundry Music" and "Cam With Her", that feature scantily-clad bimboes (bimbi?) gyrating to crap-rap or buttrock while failing to get unclad. Invariably, these clips are marked "NSFW" which is amusing because, working near the beach, I can see more skin out my window than in these clips. Plus the purveyors of this nonsense seem to have forgotten how the song goes... TEH INTERNETS R 4 PR0N!!!
Jack Schitt wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe
Yo Mr Orsm. Recently in the news about Robert Mugabe and the way he fucked up his country makes me think about my mate Gary (long since passed on) who once remarked that "ZIMBABWE" is derived from "Zero Intelligence Mainly Because All Bloody Whites Emigrated". Howzat for fuckin' racism...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Captain Ahab Spears the White Whale
This is what happens when you mix lots of alcohol with my friend John. I think I've sat on this picture long enough. It's slowly been making its way around the group and its time for headline exposure. I don't know the full story about how this came to be but its amazing how great the quality on a tiny cell phone camara can be. Also its great that John had enough presence of mind to flash a big smile and give the thumbs up.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: girl
Heres a couple of pics of a tramp me and my boys be hittin. Keep my e-mail private, love yo site: -

Just me or is the right substantially bigger than the left? -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Indonesian Oil Business
Indonesian Oil Business... Some photos taken in Central Java.... state of the art Oil Development!!
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Chris wrote:
Subject: NZ Electrician
Hiya, these New Zealand electricians have an amusing sense of humour when it comes to advertising................
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Marc Heymans wrote:
Subject: Zambezi Tigerfish
Hi Mr. Orsm. Been an avid visitor to your site for almost 7 years - best their is. I do, however, have a point of correction. The Zambezi Tigerfish shown in your last update is, in fact NOT a Zambezi Tigerfish (Hydrocynus Vitatis). It is a Goliath Tigerfish (Hydrocynus Goliath) from the Congo River system. Its obviously still an "ORSM" fish but we don't want our readers to make complete pricks of themselves when they chat around the barbie saying something that is not true. The main difference, apart from the size is that the Zambezi Tigerfish has very pronounced stripes down the length of its body.
click to enlarge
Jason wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hey dude. We all know that the Army is short on people and trying to recruit more soldiers. I'm not sure if the attached pics are legit, but all the numbers and stuff check out. Recruit 20 or so chicks like the one in these posters, and thousands of blokes will follow!
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some for your site
Autosalon 2007 was on in perth and there was some serious hotties! I've sent this email with photos of chicks and another one with the cars. Pay special note of the cute lil lacey G's on the models in some of the shots! Creative camera skills ;)
click for gallery

David wrote:
Subject: A moment of silence please....
I hope you didn't know any of these guys to well......

Blasphemous. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: More Ex G/F Pics
I previously sent some pics of an ex g/friend which you posted last month... thanks for that, revenge is sweet!!! Last weekend while clearing out my attic I stumbled across on an old floppy disc of some more pics of the same girl taken some years earleir plus a random pic of my sun-burnt arse. Please feel free to use any of these pics but do not disclose my identity. Keep up the good work...the site is wicked.
click for gallery
buck wrote:
Subject: At least he had a helmet
Not sure where this occured but was emailed by a mate. Great site keep it up:"Witnesses say the cyclist was going faster than 100 miles per hour when he crashed into the back of a semi truck between 81st and 91st Street at about one o'clock Tuesday morning. Investigators say evidence shows the cyclist was going about 120 miles per hour at the time of the impact. It took the truck driver more than a quarter of a mile to come to a stop. When he did, he stepped out of his rig and found the motorcyclist dead at the back of the truck."
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: here is something for your site
Whats up mr. orsm? my friend hooked up with this chick a couple weeks ago and she sent him these pics of her a few days ago. he knew i thought she was hot so he sent em to me. Enjoy. Please hide my info
click for gallery
Click for more awesomeness

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

ORSM VIDEO

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"

She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee". He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

click here for more

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

RANDOM SHITE
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Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you, Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

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The farmer's wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!"

The farmer, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly replied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"

ORSM VIDEO

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Okay lets chase to the cut...

- Check out the site archives. NOW.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I SNAP in which case it will probably be the week after...
- My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw my friend Ray last night. He said if you don't tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET he'll kick your arse. I guess it's pretty serious.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Bargearse. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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