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| orsmupdate 2009.08.27-47minutesto12 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Birdie Num Num.
Follow me on Twitter. Please. My self worth is directly linked to my follower count...
Really? Another blink and you miss it week? I'm pretty sure whoever said 'live life to the max' didn't have this in mind. Not enough sleep, too much time on the computer, phone and chat but at least I managed to accomplish a lot of what I set out to do. Great but in 10 years who's going to care right?
By far my biggest conquest this week was email. Without going into specifics of name servers, cname's, mx records, propagation and several other topics I don't understand as deeply as was probably necessary, I eventually managed to swap us over to Gmail. For years we've done mail ourselves and spam and virus protection became far too hard. Something like 32,000 unsolicited to across my two main addresses since the end of March. Ridiculous.
Anyway after 2 days of head scratching and wondering WTF I got it sorted. Spam messages received since then: 3. Yes 3. Crazy. Soooo definitely worth the switch. This means that in future I should stop losing legitimate mail so if you drop me a line and never hear back it's more likely that I don't like you as opposed to never having seen the email. The only downside of the exercise was making a mess of it. Anyone submitting/contributing/whatever probably saw their email bounce back for a few days so feel free to resend.
Next on the list is the god damned kitchen in this place. You know the one... I've been crapping on about it for fucking months... to the point I was starting to sound like one of those people who is always 'gonna' do something. But now - procrastination over, design submitted, changes made and price agreed upon. All that remains is to pick colours and write them a cheque which is tomorrow. If all goes to plan I'll be installing it this time next month. Hold your breaths...
Can I please get some feedback on videos? Anyone [still] experiencing problems? We've been making changes which should have made them work better but need info from y'all. We'll be changing to the new, beefier, super-duper server over the weekend which I've been assured will clear this up once and for all... if not I'll be hopping a plane to New Jersey to crack some skulls.
Weekend... you know you want to know. I'd want to know...
I began the wet weekend with a sleep in due to being so totally destroyed from the week. It also began with a 9.30am phone call asking why I hadn't replied to two messages. "I'm still in bed" I say which illicits the usual "See. You sleep in every day until lunchtime. If I hadn't of called you would still be asleep!" which I replied with the standard "See. You're still a retard." From there the day panned out like pretty much every other Saturday does - watch football, do groceries and entertain the dog. Rad.
It occurred to me Sunday that the dog had escaped any sort of a bath for a few months now due to the dog like odour emitting from her coat so decided to take her up to the dog wash at the local pet store. Can honestly say it was one of the fucking funniest experiences of my life as she howled in protest for the whole 10 minutes. Haven't laughed so hard in years and was still to be made even funnier - after walking her around the store for a while and buying some treats I was standing at the counter chatting to the staff. A lady walks up, points at dog and says "Oh no!". Look down and she's going hell for leather scoffing the snacks placed in bins around the counter. The guy said don't worry about it so off we went, me embarrassed, her with the biggest sausage she could carry.
Okay should probably wrap my musing up and get on with the update. God knows I love the sound of my own text but what you guys will find below is too good, too entertaining to delay any longer so if you didn't have the good sense to immediately scroll down now is the time. Check it...
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did I mention it's all free too? Check
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net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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The mother of Caster Semenya the women's 800m world champion has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test. She said, "This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter."
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A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" And the frog says, "I've got this large blackhead on my bum."
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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first..."
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A man went to a zoo. When he walked in there was only one dog. It was a shitzu.
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A naked woman looked at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I look fat and ugly and I need you to say something complimentary about me ". He replied "you have perfect eyesight!"
ORSM
VIDEO
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it." Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it!" Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man." George said, "The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?" George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh my, oh my!!" George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."
| LAURA LION |
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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's some flowers?" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy?" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.
Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me!" says the bingo caller, "You've won the raffle as well!"
| ARMY CANTEEN IN IRAQ |
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NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And finally... in Australia they hung up because they thought it was another bloody Indian trying to sell cheap mobile phones.
| NICE BUM |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
As I mentioned above, my email was down for a few days so pickings were a touch slimmer than usual. To make me feel better about this it would be VERY nice if everyone immediately stopped what they're doing, went to their email and sentt/submitted/forwarded/contributed something. Go on... right now. You can do it!
What do I want? What don't we want is more like it! Avoid anything with cruelty and/or sex with kids and/or animals and you should be right. Got that? Great. Now send!
Dave wrote:
Subject: Dissapointed in Orsm
Orsm, Just wanted to comment about on the "humour" titled A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the USA is in trouble... in your post: orsmupdate 2009.08.20-23.*4
I'm certain that you recognized each of the "jokes" as re-writes from long-ago circulated, blonde-type jokes and that these re-writes, false of course, unjustly target Democrats and Independents in American politics. This type of material is the type one would read on a Right-winged extremist's blog or in their countless emails circulated and taken as fact by the million-plus non-thinkers in the U.S. If you re-wrote these yourself, shame on you for aiding and abetting ignorance in America. If you received these "jokes" from someone who is undoubtedly from the Right in America, shame on you for "qualifying" their false attacks on truth and fairness by posting them.
North and east of The-Land-Down-Under lies a nation being torn apart by lies and misinformation by a political group supported by corporations and commercial interests which care nothing for the citizens for that nation. As a former Republican, now Independent, I discovered that statements from the Left were, more often than not, based upon facts and truth. Statements from the Right have been found to, almost always, be based on slurs, lies, and misrepresentations of the facts. I, for one, don't care in which direction we go as long as that direction is based on truth and facts. I abhor being lied to and find no humour which supports more ignorance in America.
As you hear repeatedly, great site, blah, blah, blah. Sincerely,
An Orsm fan for many years
Oh come on. It's humour, a joke, satire. Getting offended over it is a bit like the Irish complaining about the millions of 'Mick and Paddy' jokes out there. No one who read them gave a crap about the people portrayed. Add to that most were so stupid they couldn't possibly be true - have you ever met anyone who thinks there's a train from California to Hawaii? -Orsm |
moul wrote:
Subject: Deep Sea BoaaaAAAAAAARRGH!
Goddamn you, Sir. Goddamn you to right to hell. I hadn't been scared by one of those in damn near two years. Same time next week then, eh? Cheers!
Got me too. That hasn't happened since forever. -Orsm
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Rhett wrote:
Subject: Funny fucking video
Hey orsm, check out this moles *tribute* video to flashdance, It goes on a while but the first minute had me in fits... Anyways keep up the good work! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Accidental Facebook Nudity
I was scrolling down my stalker feed on Facebook, and suddenly a pair of tits jumped out at me. Funny how quick your brain will pick out boobs on a page. Luckily I got a screengrab before she fixed her "problem". I suppose the moral of the story is always double check your images before you click send... Hide my details, please |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Sad but true ...
Reason why you should always write in your own language........ No... this is not written by an Aussie Coon, they can't write, it's a South African indigent. |
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Liz P wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I wouldn't believe it unless i saw it with my own eyes. Thumbs up to that truckie.. |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Still want a Smart car?
I don't think he pulled through !!! Here's a Smart Car....... Below is a wreck in Jefferson Parish, LA (near New Orleans ) between two trucks and a Smart Car. Think I'll pass on the Smart Car. |
Drew wrote:
Subject: funny screen shot
hey dude. Saw this today on the ninemsn news website and thought peeps on your website would get a laugh. Please don't post my d-tailz. |
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Tj wrote:
Subject: Pics
Just wanted to send you some of my pics.
Thanks... -Orsm |
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Mac wrote:
Subject: Looking looking
If anyone finds it, please let Yahoo know.
Will keep my eyes peeled. -Orsm |
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Jayson wrote:
Subject: Captain Safety
This is my old man, we wre doin a bit of tree trimming in the backyard. i would hate for Worksafe to see it...
I don't see what the problem is... no one ever hurt themselves with a chainsaw right...? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: One for the ladies!
Hey!! Great site, just thought I'd shoot ya a pic of my ex before we split (he is a big fan of the site and actually told me about it). Please hide details, but I'm sure he will recognize its him lol. Cheers
I guess if the guys can submit Ex pics, the girls can too... -Orsm
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Screenshot from Fox News 25 Aug 2009
My mind went straight to the gutter with this one. after that, all I could think of was Beavis saying "BOIOIOIOIOIOING!!!!"
An odd thing to plan. Wonder if he put it in his Outlook calendar and sent a reminder to atendees. -Orsm
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Vets' awesome trike.
These are great shots of a US based Vets trike. Along with a thumping V8. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Anyone fancy a fry-up?
Mario's Cafe in Warren Street, London, do a big breakfast for £10. Eat it all in 20 mins with no drink to wash it down with and you get it free. It's 10 eggs, 10 bacon, 10 sausage, 10 toast, 5 black puddings, tomatoes, beans and mushrooms. No Chips !!! The breakfast packs in 5,000 calories - nearly twice the recommended daily intake for an average man. A spokesman for the British Heart Foundation said: "Eating this amount in one sitting is not a good idea." |
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t4366121 wrote:
Subject: pics..
My ex nude pics..enjoy..
Body that hot I can only assume she was batshit crazy. Why else would you break up...? -Orsm
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william wrote:
Subject: McDonalds.
I pulled up to the drive through the other day and I was compelled to order two fish sandwiches and a dime bag. I'm not sure why. PS. Thanks really got a kick out of you posting the nasty toilet seat pic. Ive enjoyed your site for a while now. I look forward to Wednesdays updates. |
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Oversharer wrote:
Subject: Croc
Dept of Primary Industries caught this big lizard at last week at Borroloola NT, about 700 kms from here. Not sure if it would go 7 metres like they say, but it's still big. They had to harpoon it to catch it, as it would not go into the traps that they had set. If you look at the last photo you can see where the back leg is missing. I'd like to see the size of the one that bit his back leg off.” PS Not sure what ate the wheel of the trailer. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A few flickr pics I had shared with me! Who can identify the model?! Keep my details private!
I give up? -Orsm
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JD wrote:
Subject: Web Cam : READ STORY FIRST! x
Prob not true, but great story. Had a good build up, couple of twists and then a thrilling finish. The story goes like this...This chick filmed herself on webcam and then sent it to her boyfriend from her dads e-mail account ... so she thought ! However, it was sent to all the contacts for her dads e-mail account and subsequently fell into everyone's hands and now into yours. Enjoy and rest easy with the knowledge that there are chicks in Perth who will do this kinda stuff. |
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ORSM
VIDEO
YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.
| VERONICA PUNKS OUT |
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RANDOM SHITE
Tread very carefully this week. You guys know I'd never go too far. I'd never include pics of a guy getting a prostate exam for instance. All I'm saying is the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. Check it...
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money. Fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile". The officers turned to Andy and began to question him. One said "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The senior officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
| MAJESTIC JAPAN VILLAGE |
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive".
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too?" the doctor says, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!? Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Oddly, that is all. Except for this last bit I'm so needlessly attached to...
- Check out the site archives. I DOUBLE DARE YOU!
- Next update will be next Thursday. The last one before my holiday. Woo.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you regret it... permanently.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember who loves ya! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.08.20-23.*4 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Some kind of palsy.
Happy days. Happy RAINY days. Not entirely sure what it says about my personality or the goings on of my brain but I'm always happiest when it's cold, wet and miserable so with thirteen consecutive days of water in some form I feel fulfilled, complete. Okay so there are a few downsides like my glorious chariot not being gloriously clean and the wet dog factor [IE. dog sits in rain so I'll have to dry her thereby providing attention] but this all pails in comparison to the pitter patter of little raindrops upon my roof. Happy rainy days indeed.
Twitter. Still not entirely sold on this ostentatious contraption but for the time being I'm trying to be more active and post the cool shit which comes my way rather than just bury it in my blog. What can I say? I'm all about the value-add lately. You can follow me here. Baaa.
Seems I jinxed myself talking about my broken world last week. Since then there's been yet another failed computer hard drive [I have lots...], my PC is showing signs of contempt for its primary user, laptop screen is having some unexplainable issues, and the kitchen ceiling is leaking water from a spot uncomfortably close to an electrical source. At least I still have my health but admittedly every day it looks more and more like my death will -whenever it may be- involve electricity...
What else can I jinx...? Ah yes... holidays... vacation... time away. It appears a hole could be emerging early September for an escape but going on how this year has panned out with constant interruptions and obstacles thrust toward me I'm not quite game enough to book accommodation or get excited just yet. Me of little faith. I have however already started working on a couple of updates to keep you, my precious little connoisseurs of high quality adult entertainment, amused in absentia.
At this point we'll swing into some sort of weekend wrap for no other reason than I'm writing this thing and believe the time is right. SO...
Saturgay. After doing all the boring shit like laundry and groceries I settled at the computer for a few hours to work... also known as five minutes of checking mail, Facebook and various websites before watching the last couple of Damages episodes and playing Prototype - Elizabeth Greene was a worthy opponent but I was a nice feeling pounding my fists into the dirty infected bitch, once and for all defeating her.
Sundai. All round great guy that I am [or so I've been told] somehow pulled myself out of bed at an ungodly hour to provide transport. Basically pick the unnamed up from one place and deposit them at another so they can run the 32 kilometres [20 miles] back. Chuffed to bits for them... honestly am... especially considering how insignificant it makes my [almost] daily 3 kilometre morning walks. Fuckers.
Okay that'll probably do for the babble. I just did the proof read and came close to boring myself to tears so for anyone that wasn't smart enough to scroll straight past now is the time to prepare yourself for a killer update. Some weeks you feel it, some weeks you don't. This week I am... matter of fact it's long, hard and impressive. BOOM-tsssh. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Get Busy Doing - Cut 'N Slide - Street Dance Off - Ursula Rocks - Anal Freaks - Wait For It - Barney Gayness
Zsexy Zsuszsanna - JC Bail Bonds - Ghetto Fight - Getting Along - Kill It With Fire! - Huge Crash - Farmers Only
Leggy Blonde - Pig Rodeo - Pranks & Pranks - 'Dudeism' - Brit Bikini - You're Erased - Bueller? Bueller?
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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl haughtily says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with the likes of you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
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A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and there's a bum asking him for a toothpick. The barkeep gives him one and shuts the door. After a few moments, there's another knock at the door. The bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the door again. Because everything in jokes like this involves sets of threes, there's a THIRD knock on the door. This time, though, the bum only wants a straw. "Why not a toothpick?" "Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is gone already!"
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A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa!" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts "Its thick cunts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the fuck out of you if I could swim!"
ORSM
VIDEO
The year is 2100-something and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie weenie about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache! She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
| GODESS OF GODESSES: HANNAH HILTON |
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story? Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
ORSM
VIDEO
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the USA is in trouble...
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts". Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa " His response -- click.
A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30am, and got to Chicago at 8:33am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT", and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California. Is "FAT - Fresno Air Terminal", and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (Democrat) from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
Senator Dianne Feinstein (Democrat) called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
Mary Landrieu (Democrat Senator) called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York". I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" 'Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." "The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'.' The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
| DRUNK GIRLS!!! |
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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter tells her not to worry, she knows just the guy.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night...
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, he in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?" He replies "I want to offer my deepest condolences".
| WAR IN AFGHANISTAN |
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READER MAIL
Submissions this week were a little lax. I really can't imagine what else it is you guys would have to do other than spend time filling my email with oddities and niceties but I'll put it down to a temporary blip and forgive you all just this once.
What do we want? What don't we want is probably easier but it's always a pleasure to see female nudity, random pics of cool and interesting shit you may have snapped, jokes, video clips of whatever or absolutely anything else that piqued your interest or would do someone else's. Got it? All you must do is point your emails here and make Orsm a happy boy. Don't be scared... I bite but in a playful way.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Rwanda Movie
Hello, I have put together this movie of my time in Rwanda. It is a little graphic in places but no more than other things on your great site. This is an updated version as I left a slide containing the death toll out of the original movie. I hope you can find a spot for it. |
yorks j wrote:
Subject: Denzel Washington charity not quite true...
After reading the email, I dug this up. He did donate but not 'a full amount' however it's still better than nothing!! |
Pedro wrote:
Subject: women
Hi. Just inquireing if you know where some in there late fifties recently single can go and meet women of that age group. Such as pubs or clubs or a dating that is actually FREE. Many thanks
I'm guessing a nursing home would be a good place to start. -Orsm |
wong wrote:
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL REQUEST
Acknowledge, An Iraqi made a fixed deposit of $6.5m usd in my bank branch
(Hang Seng Bank,Hong Kong) where am a director and he died with his entire family in the war leaving behind no next of kin, I'm ready to share 50/50 with you if you choose to stand as my deceased client next of kin. If interested mail me at the address below: Email:wongttyu@livemail.tw. Yours Truly, Wong Tang. |
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Treb wrote:
Subject: gday mate
hey orsm. just goin thru ur reader section, when the bloke who got a photo of a chick with big guns (those army girls), wanted 2 c her tits...needed a break from me current uni work, put this 2gether. meh, took a break, use it aye? catcha |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Re: Those army girls
Hey Orsm! This is for our friend 'name witheld', as requested.
What are you guys? Perverts or something? Keep up the good work! -Orsm |
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PDNPMEA wrote:
Subject: Mr. Orsm, a photograph for your
There was a nice blond woman driving this VW, as well. Please, keep up your good work for the sake of the world's sanity! Thank you.
How do you explain that to strangers? "I just love when multiple guys blow splooge on me." -Orsm
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STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: lightning strike
We had a pretty nasty storm roll through here today which resulted in a lightning strike fifty feet behind the building. These are pics of the holes in the ground. The ground and surrounding grass are pushed up leaving two holes four and eight inches deep. There was also a grass divot found about ten feet from the strike area. Crazy weather down here in Lower Slower... |
william wrote:
Subject: on the job
Hey ORSM while at work one night i really had to piss and someone was already in the male bathroom. Since we didn't have any females working that night I decided to use the ladies pisser. Well being the nice guy I am I lifted the seat and this is what I found. I guess someone was experiencing some heavy bleeding. |
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Odo Ital wrote:
Subject: Local Clinic in Thailand
This is no photofuckery.
Specialising in...? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Parking skills
Hello! Great site ORSM! Keep it up! Here is a picture from my country Norway, and we have mad parking skills here. Please dont post my info, my girlfriend thinks it's only porn on your site... SO parking pictures on your site might change her mind |
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Bubba ybsloog wrote:
Subject: some fat bitch off CL
Here is some pics of a fat chick in PA,USA she sent these to me thinking I was going to meet up with her....NOT! Hide my details Thanks keep the shit going
There's a reason girls like this are on Craigs List... -Orsm
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Oh those crazy Japanese
This is a sign on a bus at Tokyo-Narita Airport. The Japanese writing on it phonetically says the same thing in English. No idea why though. Love the site, keep up the great work. |
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- wrote:
Subject: Memo from work
Hey man, I work at a hospital and they are always changing policies and procedures to try and make improvements. I've attached a copy of a memo from my boss, she's one of the greatest boss's anyone could have but everyone makes typos notice what is highlighted. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend ... hide my details
here are some pics of my ex ... she fucked around on me so now its my turn to pay her back... as usual hide my details
Debt paid. -Orsm
|
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Buckley
g'day orsm,I attached a few pics of Buckley,a border collie/staffy cross aged 8 weeks.He was abused and abandoned in the east,tail & ears cut off and a quivering mess.Was on tv last week,I did'nt see it,but I'm so glad he's recovering.I struggle to understand how a human could do that to an animal, |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
Pics of an ex...pleez hide info...enjoy!
A body that hot and ONLY two pics? -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Mt. Aetna
Great show there |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: yo orsm
Found a phone at work on weekend, stole these pics off it first before giving it back , and now giving them as a gift to you and your Orsm viewers, cheers and hide my details,, NICE RACK! |
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Oversharer wrote:
Subject: Rockinghole Cops
Police Driving skills at Safety Bay, Rockingham
Rockingham... where the cops are bogans too. -Orsm |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A Lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
| DIRTY DIRTY GIRL |
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A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course he was right again.
Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
| PLACES TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE: HOLLAND |
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A new supermarket has opened in Sydney. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Stienlarger beer.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaand CUT. That's a wrap people. Great job today. Thanks.
- Check out the site archives. They're almost more enjoyable than a vigorous prostate exam. [Unless you dont enjoy having fingers pushed into your ass then they're waaaaay better].
- Next update will be next Thursday. Because I care.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will come down to your office and start screaming "WHAT'S HIS NAME? WHAT'S HIS FUCKING NAME? I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S BEEN SUCKING YOUR COCK? I WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ANYMORE? YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! YOU SAID WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER!".
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just a reminder that now would be a good time to start thinking about my birthday present - you only have a month! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.08.13-23.01 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If good taste was a crime I'd die in jail.
Talk about your busy weeks although probably the most productive one this year and all part of my 'get your shit together' campaign. I've covered just about everything and but still even at this rate I should have it all sorted in the next 6-7 years. The amount of phone calls, emails and general liaising with various people would be enough to keep a couple of tasty little PA's working overtime but thankfully I'm so highly skilled and adept I take it all in my stride...
It's just hasn't been my year when it comes to shit breaking and the more stuff that does, the more 'material' and light of wallet I feel. Like oh I don't know, probably every other person ever, it bugs the crap out of me having to replace things that break. Obviously it's far more fun buying stuff you don't already have. That's why this godforsaken house is killing me. Amongst a plethora of other crap the oven hasn't worked for months, gutters are rotted through, patio roof is a term that can only be used loosely and the sliding shower door is unable to perform the second most important thing it's designed to do... slide.
We then move on to my work environment - a failed hard drive [and fuckface supplier that won't respond to emails so I can make a warranty claim - someone remind me to start a website called dont-buy-from-nashq.com], my much loved computer chair that I've sat on every day for the last 7 years is well and truly past retirement age and most recently a failed monitor. A while back I upgraded to dual Samsungs to replace my single aging Dell. Then I woke up the other day to find one completely dead. Called Samsung and they promised to organise a replacement but most interestingly they never bothered to ask what the problem was. Like at all. Fantastic policy for the consumer but as a later call from them revealed, the model is so new they don't have it in their system and of course don't have stock.... he'll call me back to work it out for me. That was Monday. Still waiting for a call.
Life used to be simpler. When you're young and something breaks it was someone else problem. All it required was a painful "Muuuuummmmm!" and things fixed themselves almost magically. Ah the good old days...
Site issues that I crapped on about last week - not quite in the bag yet. There's an ongoing dialog with technicians trying to work out problems with videos however work IS underway on the new system. Stay tuned for that. I'm confident it'll all be worth it!
More space to fill so I should take this opportunity to update you dudes on my weekend which, for the most part, was not noteworthy. How about that!?
Started Saturday at the PC doing whatever, segued into the best football game I've seen all year and then off to find some food to put in the cupboards... surprisingly Easy Mac and toasted sandwiches gets boring after a while. Pretty much all I wanted to do Sunday was wash the car as it's been a while but visiting family and friends to reassure them that I am still alive, plus some patchy weather put and end to that pipe dream. All up a relatively nothing weekend that was far too short.
And with that literary masterpiece done its time to get on with the update. I'm pretty happy with this week's mix and have no doubt you guys will be too. If not, go eat a dick. Check it...
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I'd Hit It - Poppin' J-Girl - Brazilian Babe - Dallas Wars - Sophie Monk - Cheating Death - Imminent Danger
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Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned. Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
--
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating." "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Labor voter in the family before!"
--
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging! My teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off.
| STUNNING SHAY LAUREN |
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One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our "family jewels" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Derek responded. "Your name came up seven times..."
ORSM
VIDEO
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! no! mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'" "OK, OK" replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"
| LOVELY LOVELY FACIALS |
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COOL FACTS ABOUT HUMAN BODY
Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopaedia Britannica
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side, and vice versa.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
In one day, a human sheds 10 billion skin flakes. This amounts to approximately two kilograms in a year. Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells.
Every hour one billion cells in the body must be replaced.
The human body makes anywhere from 1 to 3 pints of saliva every 24 hours.
The adult human body requires about 88 pounds of oxygen daily.
The width of your arm span stretched out is the length of your whole body.
There are as many hairs per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee. You don't see all of them because most are too fine and light to be noticed.
The average persons heart rate increases when they hear the word 'Orsm'. It's not uncommon for hot girls to pass out due to the excitement.
Dead cells in the body ultimately go to the kidneys for excretion.
By walking an extra 20 minutes every day, an average person will burn off seven pounds of body fat in a year. Also the same amount of calories are burned by doing 6 sessions that are 5 minutes each of an activity and doing 1 session of that activity for 30 minutes.
There are approximately 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.
Each day 400 gallons of recycled blood are pumped through the kidneys.
The slowest growing finger nail is on the thumb nail and the fastest growing is the finger nail on the middle finger.
The human liver performs over 500 functions.
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READER MAIL
Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
Stubbs wrote:
Subject: Kyle Sandilands Wife
Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, nude holiday pics have surfaced of Kyle Sandilands' wife Tamara Jaber. Here is one of the pics doing the email rounds. Enjoy.
Close but not her. -Orsm
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John wrote:
Subject: NASCAR incident
Joe Gibbs Racing driver Brad Coleman was testing a Gibbs NASCAR Sprint Cup Series car at Toyota Arizona Proving Grounds earlier this week and came onto the radio and told his crew something rather unusual. "Guys, I hit a coyote," Coleman said. Coleman was running close to 200 mph around the 10-mile test track when he saw the animal wander under the outside guardrail. |
Mark wrote:
Subject: girls at a party
just the usual weekend for me. hope you like these stunna pairs |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Those army girls...
hello again! Got this from someone who said she was on his army course and for some reason decided to pose with some big guns. Not that I'm complaining. However if anyone's any good with photoshop I think she could do without that top... and maybe a bigger rack. Hide the details! Until next time... |
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dhuebbe wrote:
Subject: Funny ad/web coincidence
ORSM, Somehow these coincidences are always amusing...
Contextual advertsing strikes again. -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: shave the hair monster.....
amazing what you find inside. feel free to share my e-mail. I welcome the feedback.
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Dave wrote:
Subject: BANG and the smirk is gone
Hello Mr Orsm how the hell are ya? Greets from liverpool uk. This is why you shouldnt push a screwdriver down the nozzle of an expanding foam can. Please hide my details thank you. ps .............. Best ..... Site ....... Ever. |
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M wrote:
Subject: pic
my ex-girl
Bert Newtons love child...? -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Air to air combat over Lake Washington
Here's a once-in-a-lifetime event captured on film... After several minutes the Eagles got frustrated and began to attack each other. They soon began to dive vertically, level out, and attack head-on in a good old-fashioned game of high-speed "Chicken". Sometimes they banked away from each other at the last possible second. Other times they'd climb vertically and tear into each other while falling back toward the water. (The duck catches his breath at the right side of this picture.) |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Denzel Washington
I don't normally forward these types of things, or chain stuff. But this caught my eye. And I like Denzel as an actor, too. The Media (Accidently?) missed this one!!!! |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: A driver called Lucky
Is there a shop nearby that sells clean undies ??????????????????? (and lottery tickets) |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: GM car collection
THIS IS FROM A GUY LIVING IN FLORIDA AND ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW!!! AND SO WILL YOU !!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf pics
great fuck, but it did not work out :( please hid info.
Whoa... you can see the crazy in her eyes... -Orsm
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Emergency Services Fetish Girl wrote:
Subject: model
A former oil rig worker spent 15 years building an exact replica of a North Sea platform - out of more than four million matchsticks. David Reynolds, 51, spent up to 10 hours each day painstakingly crafting the half a ton model of the Brent Bravo rig in his living room. |
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don beef wrote:
Subject: Canadian PornStar
We met this bored housewife from edmonton canada in a bar and a few drinks later we had her performing like a pornstar. Use my email and maybe she will see this and contact us for another performance. |
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steve wrote:
Subject: The most important PDF you may read this year
hi ORSM. thought the subscribers in Melbourne may find this pdf extremely useful. cheers |
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Darwin crew wrote:
Subject: Territory day antics
Hello Mr Orsm. I would like to send you a small clip of our Territory day antics which involved fire works and a garbage bin, Hade lots of fun and up set alot of people but it was worth it. Love the site we check it out every friday keep up the good work. Cheers |
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Sam wrote:
Subject: Chicken Bull Commercial
Hi Mr. Orsm, after several years enjoing your site I send you a video for a new product. Crazy stuff by my sons Simon and Tobias. Cheers big ears
THINK you may be one of those parents completely oblivious to their kids drug use... -Orsm |
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ORSM
VIDEO
My neighbour discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy "Nair Hair Remover" and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the store and gets the 'Nair Hair Remover'. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
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| EXPRESS YOURSELF |
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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well now that I've done that it's time to go. Booo. Please observe the following:
- Check out the site archives. You WILL find what you're looking for.
- Next update will be next Thursday and I think we all know why...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say some very inappropriate things about you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try and imagine I wrote something witty here and do it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.08.06-23.01 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I think about you when I want my boner to go down.
Or gust you say? Can't be. Feeling a lot better this week [thanks for asking]. There's still a lingering, chesty cough possibly only lingering and chesty due to a small matter of cigarette intake but really - without nicotine what else is there?
Should probably take this opportunity to apologise for asking my friend Ray to conjure up a blog. No one likes him and after reading what he has to say it's not hard to understand why. Honestly I think its people like him that make the terrorist's hate us.
I've been copping some particularly abusive email from some of you guys lately. Mostly from retards who have no idea what they're talking about but it's bugged me enough that I'll address the main issues.
Videos: choppy playback is the most obvious. Firstly - it is NOTHING to do with additional advertising. NO new advertising has been added anywhere for ages. At most it's the same spots with different banners. The choppiness is due to thousands of people trying to view clips at the same time when the update goes live. We need the next 48 hours to isolate the problem, whether it be bandwidth or a hardware limitation it will be under control by next update.
Videos will also be switching to a different format [hopefully] before too long. Everything will be Flash which is more universal. I'm working on this now but please be patient because with around 5000 clips on the site and it's not something I want to fuck up.
Next & Previous links on image pages: everyone loves this feature because it makes surfing through the image galleries a lot easier but as it's been noted you can't do it anymore. This is due to the server move a while back and, without getting too technical, something to do with old code on the new platform. Basically the correct image wasn't showing when clicking the corresponding thumbnail. [If you think hard you can work out why this hasn't affected RS.] The fix... a programmer is working on a new system that will bring it back as normal plus a bunch of other features will be added in time too.
So they are the two main, top priority issues at the mo but it's had me thinking why I never managed to get around to making the changes I wanted to in years gone by. Not as if I'm slack and fuck you to anyone who has called me a sellout. The hours which get poured in each week are double what most people do in their 'real' jobs but at some point Orsm got too big for one person to do everything and as a result some stuff has suffered. Makes sense when you think about it... if you look at some of the sites out there with similar content they all have a large staff. I'm one guy that is very hands on and has little faith in other people coming in and being able to do things my way. As always - if you don't like it then click that X in the top corner of this window and GFY.
Anyway I don't want to over-promise. There's a bunch more stuff planned with the ultimate goal of reducing how many hours go in to sorting updates which will allow me to concentrate on other aspects of the site which are long neglected plus if I'm really lucky a couple of other projects I've always wanted to tackle... but one thing at a time right?
Okay time to get involved and tuck into the update. I'm 97% sure this one will be better than the last so grab your rubber gloves, box of tissues and enjoy. Check it...
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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?" asks St. Peter. "I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here!"
--
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
--
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. Daughter: I just don't know, mum! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
--
There was a little boy who was learning how to count. He had mastered the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some problems afterward. One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and asked what came next. Mom told him, "Sixty. Sixty is the next number."
When he got to 69, he asked, "What comes after 69?" His father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the question, and he replied, "Listerine!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"
The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"
"No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."
"And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"
| CAMRYN KISS... SERIOUSLY... |
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
ORSM
VIDEO
THE PROGRESSION OF TEACHING MATHS AS TIMES CHANGE
TEACHING MATHS IN 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
TEACHING MATHS IN 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
TEACHING MATHS IN 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
TEACHING MATHS IN 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
TEACHING MATHS IN 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
TEACHING MATHS IN 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbeque of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
TEACHING MATHS IN 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
Your assignment: You do the maths.
TEACHING MATHS 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
| I LIKE 'EM BUSTY |
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Dear Frank,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband, John, in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila.
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps. Regards, Auntie Frank, Sydney Daily Record
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READER MAIL
There's an huge backlog of email to get through today so I won't hold you bastards up... suffice to say that not sending, submitting or contributing will ultimately lead to your spectacular demise. So please -for your own sake- send, submit and contribute.
Acuyico wrote:
Subject: boat sinking
2M dollars boat sinking. [Story here]. Regards
Posted this a few weeks back. What a waste. -Orsm |
Doak wrote:
Subject: da frogs @ OshKosh inna A-380
soo. . .here come the frogs inna A-380. it's the 2009 EAA Show in OshKosh. they do a low n slow fly bye. lots n lots n LOTS of folks are watchin. short final. . .big crosswind. . .flair and CRUNCH... I mean CRUNCH ! ! ! (sez alot for their gear and heavy sparred wing root)
Look how much the wings move on touch/smash down! -Orsm |
Lincoln wrote:
Subject: Young Hoons
Dear Mr Orsm; Sorry, no pics of boobs this time, instead news about the NSW state govts attemps to introduce unworkable and unfair laws governing modification to vehicles. May sound bland, but ALL modified car drivers should be aware of this shit. Once it is passed in NSW it will spread to other states. Here is a link to a forum discussion. I know it isn't as sensational as my usual submissions but this needs some exposure - If you could post it up for me (and about half the aussie population) I would really appreciate it.
Sadly, there is no point fighting this kind of shit. The retards will continue to impose what ever laws they see fit, regardless of what anyone with a brain tells them. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mr Orsm, been a long time reader but this is my first submission. This is a picture of a 19 year old chick I used to fuck occasionally, haven't seen her since she started uni so I hope you enjoy the pic as much as I enjoyed fucking her! Please keep my details secret! Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: found this on facebook
I think the dude had a boner. Somewhere in Vegas. Please hide my detail!
Looks that way although he's cleary a poo puncher... camera MAN must have been a real hottie. -Orsm
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That Stooge wrote:
Subject: Typo
LOL @ editor. "GOOGLE chief executive Eric Schmidt has Monday from the board of Apple due to potential conflicts of interest as the two tech giants increasingly become rivals." he Monday'd from the board ? errr ......... try resigned ...
Dude... you haven't every Monday'd from anything? What's wrong with you...!? -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: 320pound woman from Holland
What does a 320 pound woman look like? Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like... not exactly what you were expecting is it?? The tallest and best proportioned woman in the world lives in Holland. She is 7'4" and weighs 320. What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren't overweight; we're just too short! I knew it!;-) |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Flying cock in the clouds on a jetliner.
Hi, Been reading your fabulously hiddious website for some time, a brilliant sanctury on the internet for men. When I was flying on Saturday whilst getting battered with some legendary randoms who were experimenting with valium to get to sleep I looked out the window and noticed a cloud formation that represented a cock and two balls at 38000 feet. Quite ironic thing was that I was also flying from Bangkok and this picture was taken whilst I was over Afghanistan. |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Squat
... and Gobble. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The fine art of male circumsion
G'day Mate, Wandering around Jakarta the other week I spotted this sign and thought you would like to post it as it rather funny for those of us who come from the West. I have been here quiet a while in Indonesia and I have yet to see something announcing this before. Sunatan (circumsion) is a big thing in the Mulism world, and I have read over the years that the foreskin can be taken off in a manner of ways, the most disturbing one I have read about is somewhere in in Eastern Indonesia, they used a sharpened butter knife. As it is a right of passage for young boys/men there is always a party to celebrate this momentous occassion. In some sections of society they boy/man has to find a women to shag whilst the penis is still wet from the "CHOP", and in a society like this it makes me wonder how they find some girls to go through it. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some thigh worthwhile?
Hi,I'm sending 'a pic of my wife's boobs ,who obviously is an ardent supporter of her rugby team!Feel free to put it up for viewing anywhere even 'random shite' if you wish. [Also] seeing your location is Australia, heres some more of my wife which could be interesting to someone like you I bet!Just one thing - I am to stay absolutely anonymous ok!! |
greg wrote:
Subject: Bond, Lame Bond
G'day, Great site blah, blah.... I found this one in Coopers Plains up here in Brisbane today. I wonder if ya get to take the Aston Martin home on weekends?
I applied but apparently I'm TOO good looking. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
long time reader first time contributing. This dumb bitch i was dating cust me a lot of money and my time i took this pics of her when she was sleeping and thought the world should see what a whore/slut looks like. Hope to see them online soon and usual thing please hide my details. Keep up the great work. i hate that bitch she took everything from me and on top of that killed my dog theres some pic in there of him too |
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Bruno wrote:
Subject: For ORSM
Hey Mr ORSM, You might use these pics for one of your killing chapters from crazy planet. You can see two BMWs after some speeding fun on highway in Slovenia. No info about people in there. Enjoy... |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: KFC
When you feel bored at KFC... Awesome!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: horrible amateur chat whores
Hey Mr Orsm. Lotsa love from Canada... was trolling the web, and this site popped up. These are the worst chat room sluts I have ever seen - should have stuck to the phones! anyway, hide my info, and all the best
Fucking hell. I've honestly shat better looking things. -Orsm
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Jay wrote:
Subject: How about a Peterbilt?
Awesome Street rod
No idea what it is but put me down for one. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics for your site
Hi orsm. long time visitor. Decided to contribute. Some pics of me and my wife having fun. PLEASE HIDE MY INFO. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: A Story without Words
The talent of some is absolutely amazing.
Have to agree... or should I say: hear hear...!! -Orsm
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Ziplock Omelettes
Interesting! This is so cool! How do people come up with these clever ideas?
Crack 2 eggs (large or extra-large) into the bag (not more than 2) shake to combine them. Put out a variety of ingredients such as: cheeses, ham, onion, green pepper, tomato, hash browns, salsa, etc. Add prepared ingredients of choice to bag and shake. Make sure to get the air out of the bag and zip it up. Place the bags into rolling, boiling water for exactly 13 minutes. You can usually cook 6-8 omelets in a large pot. Open the bags and the omelet will roll out easily. |
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ogunyinka wrote:
Subject: The ZAIN Scandal photo shoot
hi. we dont get enough black people on orsm, here is two, both cheating on their spouses on holiday. they managed to misplace the the memory card and this is the result. pls hide my details...... |
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John wrote:
Subject: Blocks for sale
Boy is this guy Mr. Happy. Actual Craigslist posting.
It's the no nonsense sales tactics that will see him go far. -Orsm |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Don't Forget Your Crash Helmet
Not for the faint hearted. Gruesome. Not nice at all. No kids. Lots blood and gore. Two bikers crash in Pattaya. Heads smashed. Not sure why I'm forwarding it on. So be warned.
GRAPHIC WARNING: this one at your own risk people. -Orsm
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ORSM
VIDEO
Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9!" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is the new supervisor.
| KAGNEY DOIN' HER THANG |
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RANDOM SHITE
Today's RS is not epic but it is really, really, really good. I'd go as far as to say it's what is lacking in your life. The hole deep inside will soon be filled. All you must do is click and let the healing begin. Check it...
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
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with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
a look!
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I cannot print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "Well, one time I got lost..."
| FLY IN THE LAP OF LUXURY |
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By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
ORSM
VIDEO
Can that be it you ask? Yes... yes it is I answer. Oh fuck - except for this bit...
- Check out the site archives. You won't regret it... not to start with anyway.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Weather permitting.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send my friend Kyle Sandilands over to talk to your kids about sex...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and think happy thoughts k? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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