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August 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.08.27-17.00
Boobies

Welcome to nothing... what's up with you?

We're 4 days in to the future and my body is still feeling the effects of the weekend. The notion that everyone is hibernating because of winter hasn't applied. I guess they all found some courage and ventured bravely out into the mostly perfect weather...?

Anyway... it started last Friday. Has been a very busy couple of weeks/months/year so by the time the evening rolled around I was very keen to get a move on for a boy's night. We headed for a restaurant adjoining the casino which is apparently the busiest place to go these days... the whole entertainment complex thingy that is. People everywhere and so much eye candy you cannot possibly have a bad time. We ate. We drank. Had an interesting chat with a girl who was eavesdropping on my conversation about thigh gaps - thought she was getting stuck into me but was actually agreeing with me. I think. Ultimately she admitted to having a thigh gap but thought it was good I preferred curves. I think. No idea what time the night ended. Wasn't quite messy but it was drunken and made very sure to drink a buttload of water and eat something before crashing which was smart...

... because Saturday started and remained completely hangover free. A miracle. We pumped out some exercise and returned home to continue, yet again, the ongoing garage organisation saga. This round entailed installing a pulley system to lift our bikes up off the floor. And that milestone lead to what prompted this project to begin with - brought the 18 month-old-still-yet-to-be-used treadmill across to its new home. Let's break that down shall we... we got a treadmill, call it a surprise gift. It sat unused at our last home because a foot injury prevented me from exercise; when we house moved it then had to be partially disassembled for transport; then it was stored at the neighbours because we didn't have the space; I then had to dedicate a whole bunch of weekends to building a ceiling-mounted storage area to get all the crap off the garage floor to make the space for the treadmill to live in the garage. All for a treadmill I would never have agreed to! Seriously. Girls. If they didn't have tits then what would be the point?

At some point during the morning I got a call from my bank credit card department. "Sir, did you make a purchase for $500 at a travel company in the UAE?". Nope. Impressed they identified that shit so swiftly but even more so is I rarely use that card - the details must've been stolen either a week before the fraud or over a year ago meaning the Middle Eastern terrorist types have a card scanner at my local supermarket or got the details ages ago and are really, really patient. And before you ask, no I was not an Ashley Madison user.

That night, a mates fortieth birthday dinner. I'll generally go out of my way to avoid fancy restaurants because, honestly, give me $12 plate of gnocchi from the shit hole Italian restaurant down the street over a $50 version which looks pretty but leaves you still hungry. Thankfully the vino did flow, caught up with friends, swapped stories, laughed at some embarrassing shenanigans and had a bloody good time. What else could you ask for? Once again no idea when we got home but was quick to drink a lot of water and eat something because...

... it was the foolproof strategy to avoid a potentially shocking hangover. Particularly happy with that on account of the previous weekends hangover which hurt. Badly. Spent Sunday morning working on this update before heading into the city to meet friends for lunch. We'd seen something on TV about a new dim sum place opening up and we desperately had to try it. It looked amazing and special and most of all, "cool". Turned out that whilst the food was reasonably good the only real difference was instead of cranky Chinese women pushing steam carts around and you had to order at the counter. From there we ditched the appendages and a mate and I hopped on the train to head for the football. Had scored free tix and West Coast vs Bulldogs is a game worth seeing... especially if you're a West Coast fan. Fucking awesome match and that plus a few drinks at the pub afterward helped complete the drunken trifecta.

I'd be happy to commit to alcohol free right now although seems it may not be that easy. We've got social shit on the next four nights and a couple of them have the potential to be way more fun by adding booze. If anything has been learnt from this it's that drinking more often and then having a glass of water is guarantees no hangovers...

Alright let us move on with the update. It's a fucking monster. Ridiculously ridic. Check it...

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THE FUCK?Cult Leader Slept With His Son’s Wife Because God Made Him? - Shit TimingWoman Live-Tweets A Couple’s Airplane Breakup, Internet Is Hooked On Every Word #PlaneBreakup - Funny RacismThat Ended Up Hilarious! Comedian Handles Racial Tension Perfectly - Biker BabesThe Bosozoku Biker Girl Gangs Of Japan – Tattooed Outlaws With Varnished Nails And Badass Bikes - Life LessonLittle Boy Learns The Danger Of Cowboy Life - Science Bitch!Scientists Create Wormhole In Laboratory, Send Magnetic Field Through Extra Special Dimension - The MotherloadWelcome To The Motherload Of Free, Epic Porn. Don't Expect Much Else But Ridiculously Girls Getting Fucked Ridiculously Hard. This Is What The Founders Had In Mind When They Invented The Internets. - No Drones!Drone Pilot Gets Accused Of Being A Pedo By Random Dud - LA SharkTime To Create A Bit Of Terror In LA. This Action Game Is Not For Sensitive Peeps. If Blood, Screams, Chaos Are Not Your Thing, Then This Game Is Not Your Thing.

Mine CavesIt's A Retro Sliding-Action-Maze Game Thingy. Can You Get Through These Dangerous Pixelated Mines Alive? Will You Ever Get Back To The Non-Pixelated Universe You Were Born In? Will U Become The Next Meal For The Monsters Of The Mine Caves? - Bazinga!Visit The Dark Side Of Podiatric Porn. A Dark, Shitty Basement With A Custom Made Floor Complete With A Penis Hole. No One Should Have Such A Crazy Thing, But This Is No Normal Human Being We Are Dealing With. - Kelly BrookKelly Brook Is So Hot I Would Fuck Her On Her Period - Nips SlipThank You Nicki Minaj For Slipping Out A Partial Nipple During A Concert - Cleav Whoa!Candids Of Daphne Joy And Her Boobs Looking Spectacular In A Red Dress!! - Hawt NerdHe Promises To Fuck Her Good Later If He Can Cum In Her Mouth Now. And She Happily Accepts His Offer And His Load. - In Her ButtThe Best Ass You'll See Get Ass Worshipped And Then Cummed In - Foo FightingFoo Fighters Rick Roll Westboro Baptist Church - MonstersBefore Getting These Crazy Cocks In Their Asses They Already Realise Its Going To Be A Huge Challenge, A Good Mental Preparation Is Important To Resist The Pain And To Get The Right Relaxation Needed For Full Anal Penetration. But Still, Some Of Them Will Go Home With A Strange Feeling In Their Butt And Will Walk A Bit Strange The Next Couple Of Days Until The Mental And Physical Wounds Are Healed Again. - HeadacheyBelieve This Or Not, This Is A Good Guy. He's Not A Smart Guy, And Now He Is A Dead Guy. You Have To Be A Little More Cautious When Snipers Are Out There.

Hyper TunnelTrial By Pixelated Tunnel Fire. Now Is Your Time. - Crowd FaveThese Guys Have To Be Hard Up For Some Pussy If They Are Cheering On This Big Ole Tub Of Fun. That Or They Are Into Big Girls. She's Got A Massive Gunt, And Loves The Attention. - PhenomenalUp Close View Of A 3D Printer That Prints With Glass Is Absolutely Incredible - FingerbangSome People Read The Paper Others Finger Their Girlfriend On The Train Ride Home. - Sex QueenA Compilation Abella Dangers Best Work... And By That I Mean Fucking And Getting Fucked Like Nobody's Business! - Balls DeepBrave Couple Goes Balls Deep In A Public Bathroom - Summer HunSweet Blonde Lily Ivy Who’s Showing Off Her Perky Tits In A Summery Set Which Was Shot By The Beach Somewhere In California. - God Damn!The Tasty Daughter From Modern Family Braless Pokies In The Parking Lot - SweeeetThis Is Heather Depriest, In Some Fashionable Nudity

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?" The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes". "Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" "Didn't know how fast you could walk".
--
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop". The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops". She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
--
Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
--
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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READER MAIL

Alright let's do part 3. This brings us up to date on all the submissions from last year. As you will have noticed from this and this update, there was a fucking fruckload of them. And what you guys actually got/get was only a fraction of the total... by the time you factor in the thousands, or is it tens of thousands, that were rejected for whatever reason, we're talking about a lot of mail. Just an FYI though - it will be a little while before RM is back. Am already working on the next batch but worthy submissions number in the hundreds. Anyway... STFU and check it...

Damian wrote:
Subject: Some good promo work
Hey mate. Been checking out the site for years. Best of it's kind on the web. I saw this the other day pulling out of a service station on Canning highway. I had to speed like fuck to catch him but i managed to snap a pic in time.
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Outdoorsman makes final journey by boat instead of a hearse
Ronald Bloss Sr., 78, was a Navy veteran and loved the outdoors in life. He thought it would be be a nice final tribute to make his final voyage to the cemetery on his 14-foot boat.
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Eric N wrote:
Subject: Picture submittal for the orsm.net site!
I have enjoyed your site for years, and ran across a picture that I think would fit in perfectly with your last "Bad Parenting" theme; or one of the "side bar" pictures you show occasionally. I hope you post it; and if you do, I would appreciate your letting me know - would be great thinking I had a contribution on your great site.
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Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Doc my feet are sore
Do you know what frostbite actually looks like? Not what I expected!..

"Cut it off! Cut my foot off now!" -Orsm

Justin wrote:
Subject: Another Idiot!! a real incident in Pakistan....
A Taliban suicide bomber stopped and searched by police, was found with a metal shield around his penis. Asked about the purpose of this protection, his response was: "I want to keep my penis intact after the explosion, so as not to have sexual problems once I get my 72 virgins in heaven...!" Just wondering... Is this the true interpretation of a Cock-head
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Akousa wrote:
Subject: One for Random Shite
Hi Mr. Orsm, It's been ages since I submitted anything. I saw this and couldn't hold back. Hope to submit more soon. Keep up the great work.
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Sir Camel Tow
Hi ORSM. I was at the county swimming pool this Sunday and saw this couple in a big fight. They fought for over 1 hour, until I realized the guy has a toe. My guess is that's what the argument was about.
DP wrote:
Subject: Maybe a photo you can use.
Hi. We all enjoy reviewing your site each Friday when having lunch, keep up the good work. Find attached a photo we took that we thought might be useful.
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
lol
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Emailing
trolley collectors went to smoko

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Mike wrote:
Subject: Officers escort drunk home
A reveller who got so drunk he could barely walk woke up with more than a sore head after running into the police on his way home. The man avoided a night in the cells after two officers escorted him home and left a note explaining what had happened. The 'comedians' didn't leave their real names, instead signing the letter Cagney and Lacey, referencing the popular American TV cop drama of the same name from the 1980s.
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karl wrote:
Subject: funny pictures
Hi have been visiting your site regularly but have never had anything to send in until I recently found this in a variety shop and found it amusing ,as a teenager (25years ago) I used to call ambulances, meat wagons .Don't know where I got the term or heard it but at the time it was amusing. Then found this - got to love engrish. Sorry about crap photography
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Nauru - Self Explanatory Photos
Below (see attached) is an extract of a letter from the Construction Manager at Nauru. Personal information has been deleted. He refers to the damage caused by the illegal boat people to the new facilities constructed for them last year.

"Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. As you may have heard the camp we have been constructing over the past 8 months has been burned to the ground. The riot and subsequent fire occurred on the evening of Friday the 19th since then we have constructed a temporary camp (tent city) for the detainees that are not banged up in the Nauru jail. The accommodation that was burned was of a very high standard and the dining facilities were second to none. These bastards were being fed better than us worker bees and living in accommodation better than the locals.

Before I came here I was somewhat sympathetic toward refugees believing some were genuine. After the events of the 19th I am of the opinion that the group of male refugees here on Nauru are nothing more than violent arrogant criminals. The Iranians are no better than the Tamils or any other of the ethnic groups that we have here - they are all the same. These people should under no circumstance be permitted to live in Australia.

I have attached a before and after snaps of the accommodation buildings only, the rest of the damage is out of the shot."

Cheers ............... And misguided Greens would like to have them live in your neighbourhood.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shite?
Before somebody steals my picture off FB and claims it for their own, this is what my cats are telling me of their opinion of the food I give them. Love your work. Sign me as Robb and hide my deets.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Titty fuck
Hide my details. Thought I would show off my ladies fantastic tits. What do you think?
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Hippies
Gotta LOVE those old hippies!!!
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Ross wrote:
Subject: It had to Happen
Schapelle Corgi
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Corby
Nando's pokes fun at Corby release
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Elmer J. Fudd wrote:
Subject: Randem Shite, You scwewy wabbit
Finally got you, you scwewy wabbit!!! Haahaahaahaahaa.
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craig wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Had to laugh at this..
Graham wrote:
Subject: Webcam hottie
Seen on your favorite free web cam site recently - almost enough to put you off browsing the site...
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Classic - Laugh till you cry
Too good no to share with the best site out there: This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)

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Kel wrote:
Subject: FANTASTIC NEWS FOR SENIORS PENSIONS...
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقشديوار و چشمخيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايهپيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنميدان نور اگر رفتسايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايهديواروچشمخيرهمانقشسايهدگرنميداننوراگررفتسايهپيدانيس

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

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PJ wrote:
Subject: hairy
Quality viewing from Ch 9 Weekend show.
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Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Its not hard but lets face it...... people are stupid.
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Ben wrote:
Subject: I saw this and had to laugh!
WTF, a guy with a tramp stamp!
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Brian wrote:
Subject: What the Pentagon bought in 2012
What the Pentagon bought in 2012
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Southwest of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the Southwest, I got lost and didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere to be seen. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

EVERYONE WANTS TO BANG THE OFFICE HOTTIE

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READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Damon wrote:
Subject: Hey !!
This is the wife-y-poo (not bad for 39, huh?), feel free to use any pics I send you
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
See Any Difference?
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Best homeless sign
Best Homeless Sign. Give the guy a dollar
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christopher wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Postage costs express is costly
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Putin's New Caddy.................
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luis wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Y SE TERMINA EL 2013 (and so ends 2013)
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P G wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Russia
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Sochi flag fail
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Justin wrote:
Subject: No sex after surgery . . .
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Look closely
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Darwin Awards 2013
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xitz wrote:
Subject: HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS ((Apparently this really works))
My buddy from Gnowangerup swears this works. Go to Bunnings or Kmart and buy a can of black spray paint, any brand will do! Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. Now spray 1/3 to 1/2 can on each mound and surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the Ants realize they live in a black neighbourhood, they'll quit working and start drinking fighting & killing each other.
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Stan wrote:
Subject: funny ad
I was checking out jobs on craigslist and thought my fellow ORSM fans would enjoy the language misuse. BTW, I did NOT call on that listing. You have a very entertaining website. If you post this, no details, first name OK.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: good times in Delaware, USA
How I get down almost daily, hide the details please.

You bake cakes?? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Longtime Listener, First-Time Caller
Just a girl I met on vacation. Julie, I think her name was. She was up for anything! Please keep my details private. Thanks. And you're a damn good writer, btw.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: I got mine
.... before they were removed from the stores......
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Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Shouldnt it be 'my'?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi Mr Orsm, I'm a follower of this page since 2006 and I think this pic is enough interesting for the Random Shite section. Sorry for my english. Greetings from México. Please don't show my name. See you later.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: For the awesome orsm guy
So I took this picture today and now it's yours to do with what you like. Hopefully nice things. Thanks
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: The $383.00 Paint Job
The man told his wife he needed to paint his car and when he told her how much it would cost, she told him to "save his pennies". 1949 Cadillac, completely covered with 38,295 pennies! They were affixed one by one using Silicone. They added over 200 pounds to the vehicle's weight. The entire project took 6 weeks. The pennies are American, and include an 1817 "Big Cent", two Error Pennies, and four 1943 Steel pennies; (but who's counting?). And, it won't scratch.

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<with held>
Subject: FMLLLLLLL
Meet the golden silk orbweaver, a spider so large it can prey on birds and snakes. . . the cunt ! ! !

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Claire wrote:
Subject: Please post this and make his day :)
Hi. My boyfriend is a huge fan of your site, he spends hours every Thursday reading and chuckling away! Sometimes we sit together and watch the videos and look through the photos and now I've become a fan too!! He always makes comments about how funny it would be if he sent in a photo of me and I didn't know, he'd love to see my reaction. I think it would make his year if you could post this photo of me (and would make mine to see his reaction). It's just a silly one I took for him once and he claimed it was 'the one for the internet'. Could you title it/comment 'Simon this is for you'? I know it's a bit random but if you could find a place to squeeze it in asap that be so awesome. I hope to hear from you soon! Keep up the good work :) Thank you!!

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Raymond wrote:
Subject: Silly picture "redneck gazing ball"
Just wanted to send you a silly picture. This is in my own backyard and is mine.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: improper ad placement
Mr. Orsm - Love your site. Was researching theme park accidents and came across this site. Not only did it have several write-ups about deaths on theme park rides, but it also had a Disneyland advertisement on it!Hide deets. Again. Thanks!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Poor mother fuckers never had a chance if this is a typical learn english text book...
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Martin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Sofa King! Priceless!!
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
From my half-sister Betsy, a great golfer.... Taken from May issue of Hemisphere magazine on United Airlines flight

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Vaccinate
Topical for you orsm

Not really... -Orsm

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Neil wrote:
Subject: Glacier
If you were the first one to discover this hanging glacier, what would you name it?... Me too!!!!
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ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks "Where are you going?" She replies "To the kitchen". He asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies "Sure". He then asks "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says "No, I can remember that".

He then says "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that". She says "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".

He replies "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down". With irritation in her voice, she says "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that!"

She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says "You forgot my toast!"

RUNNING, JUMPING... AND THE FEMALE BODY...

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ORSM VIDEO

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Ross wrote:
Subject: Oops...
Riders quite often give us a victory celebration when they see us by the side of the road during an event. This chap in the Mitie London Revolution maybe wished he hadn't. What could possibly go wrong?
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Things to do before you get old!!
Fortunately, I am ALREADY old, and I didn't get this way by being stupid!

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Kel wrote:
Subject: The Bobby Darin Dream Car
When fins were in. What, a blind spot? Therefore they made the rear roof all glass. The 1960 DiDia 150 was a luxury, custom-designed iconic, handmade car also known as the "Dream Car" forever associated with its second owner, singer Bobby Darin.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Winter Olympic Photos
First Winter Olympics 1924 Chamonix, France. They would be shocked to see the technology that has gone into all the events today.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video & pics!
Hi! A video and some pics of a mate of mines girl! She's from London. Please keep my details private!

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Kel wrote:
Subject: THE WEATHER IN AUSTRALIA
Some great photographs that show the Weather and Mother Nature at work in and around Australia..

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Facts about North Korea.
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Road signs
Saw this today. Maybe you can use some of it in a later update.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Duct Tape Fixes Most Problems
Magic tape....just add more
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Graphs that explain reality
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Places forgotten and abandoned
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
2014 Winter Olympics - Hockey Canada
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Justin wrote:
Subject: An Amazing Discovery.
Road workers were given the task of widening a road in the Jiangsu Province. They were digging about 6 feet below the surface when they came across something completely by chance that no one was expecting to find. They hit something solid while digging and after a bit of research they realized that they had actually hit buried tomb. It was time to call in professional archeologists to unearth and reveal this mystery.

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Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Do you wish to know the endings of fairy tales ?

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gordon lightfoot wrote:
Subject: Girl Pics
I started chatting to this girl online and next thing I get a deluge of pics. Gonna hook up and fuck her soon. Use them, don't use them.
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R.W. Rick wrote:
Subject: Graveyards
Ten Unique Graveyards - Not What You May Think

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Ross wrote:
Subject: Al Capone's 1928 Cadillac 341a Town Sedan...
Capone's car was a sight to behold. It had been painted black and green so as to look identical to Chicago's police cars at the time. It also had a specially installed siren and flashing lights hidden behind the grille, along with a police scanner radio.

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John wrote:
Subject: pics of the ex
She posted these on an adult classified site. Since that's where they're available. No worries right?
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Dating site chic
His Holiness, Mr. Orsm, Been a while since my last submission, and this one is a belter! This is an Indonesian chic I met on a dating site. Did not bed, but did see the goods. Enjoy all!
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Rob wrote:
Subject: Orsm Randoms
Hi Mate, Do us a favour Post these for me would ya, and help your little cousins over here in kiwiland. This cunt is fucking us !!!! Love the site, banter and effort. Well done man. Take Care
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stunning Miss Universe Winners From the Past
For nearly 60 years the Miss Universe contest has picked some of the most beautiful women in the world and gave them a most prestigious title. A look into the past reveals just how that perception beauty has changed over the years, and just how different the winners of the pageant look as the years go by. If you ask me, true beauty is the same no matter where you are from, or when you are from. I'm sure a look at these beautiful past winners will make you think the same.

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Pea Wubbleyou wrote:
Subject: Tied up and fucked
Been a long time viewer of ORSM and thought you might like these for the reader mail section. This is my slutty girl. She loves being tied up. If anyone wants to send her filthy comments, mail at peawubbleyou@yahoo.co.uk. Enjoy ;)

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martin wrote:
Subject: Pics from around the world ...
Around The World - some excellent pictures

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Boobies wrote:
Subject: Thoughts for the day...
Some of these are quite funny.
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S wrote:
Subject: A girl I'm playing with...
Hey! Just a starter. More might follow. Enjoy and feel free to post. There's a lot more where this came from. So long
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
life hacks
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
hi, these are some pics of my ex, after i fucked her hard and 1 of me lol, enjoy, please hide/dont use my details
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Bill wrote:
Subject: How to spot a liberal
Take heart my friends..... HOW TO SPOT A LIBERAL! FUNNY BUT TRUE. President Obama's approval ratings are so low now - the Kenyans are now accusing him of being born in the United States.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Scotland.........
TWENTY FIVE REASONS TO LOVE SCOTLAND !!!!!!

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Justin wrote:
Subject: These photos have stories to tell....
These Photos Have Incredible Stories to Tell. This is one of the most amazing collections of photographs I've ever seen. Not because they are especially beautiful (although some are), but because of the meaning each of them has, and how each of them makes us think or feel something. These are worth more than a thousand words, and each tells a story about the world we live in.
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Boobies wrote:
Subject: The Dachshund & The Pink Pig
This is gorgeous. This Dachshund is fostering this little guy for another mom who couldn't take care of him. He had his eyes closed, but now they are open. He is just a little bigger than her other pups. She loves this little guy as much as the other puppies and she is nursing him back to health. He is the cleanest pig-puppy ever, because she licks him all the time! HIS NAME IS PINK....
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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his 'pain'. "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ohh no, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to 'ease his pain. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

GIRLS RUBBING ONE OUT

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READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Philip wrote:
Subject: Video
I think he missed his exit....
click to watch video

Steve B wrote:
Subject: Raving ants...
Here for your delectation and delight is an ant that's off his nut after munching out on some sugar icing I dropped for him...

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Telstra's new ring tone
Thought you should know this. Telstra has received many complaints that people are not answering their telephones. As from 1st July 2014, all Telstra home phones and mobiles will have this standard ring tone. All other manufacturers of home telephones and mobile phones will be required to insert this standard ring tone as from 1st August 2014.
click to watch video
Steve W wrote:
Subject: Proof that Angels watch over the sublime idiots!
Hey watch the attached. Note the driver to the left drives ahead on the Green arrow AND MAKES IT THROUGH! Also note the Police car that was waiting on the left ignores the serious life threatening breach and makes a R/H Turn and drives off in the opposite direction. This was Anzac Pde, SYDNEY heading To Randwick.
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Aberdeenshire Scotland stag do
Stag 'blackening' north east Scotland, bucket of rotten fish guts gets thrown over the whole truck - everyone pukes. Don't know about you Nath but the dude that washes the shit off his face with beer is the hero!
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BH wrote:
Subject: Neighbour's day
Hello Friend, I present you My neighbor the gardener! See u soon.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hide my details please
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Submission
Short hj clip. Please. Hide info!
click to watch video

Micah wrote:
Subject: Neighbour's day
Best man speech. William Shatner and Bryan Adams, I couldn't have done it without you. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".

The bartender nodded "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job".

gotta love TIGHT DRESSES

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the Bishop with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out".

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the Bishop looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice "Yes" then leaned toward the Bishop and hissed: "I thought we had a deal". The Bishop put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer".

ORSM VIDEO


Well that was a lot of of update. You know what else is a lot of update? Read on...

-Check out the site archives. All updates going backward from now until a long time ago.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless you're killed in which case this one is it for you.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go take a shit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and come onnnn touch the D. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.08.20-20.02
Boobies

Welcome to BIMDAS.

Shiiiit. It's Thursday. Already. For me that means the work week is officially over... although technically the work week never ends - it just rolls into the next and the next and the next. And that's okay because running this website and having all the associated responsibilities isn't the worst way life could have turned out. After all at least I'm not fat bald ugly dead.

Alright let's whip straight over to the weekend and what went on... because I have about as much interest in recent events such as the Ashley Madison thing, the Bangkok bombing thing or fuckwits who play tennis, as you guys do hearing them.

With a couple of sick girls at home in bed and a nothing pressing, I actually had the opportunity to do whatever the hell I wanted Saturday. Turned out that was exercise and it just sort of kept going and going. Managed to break my records for distance, duration and calorie burn. Amazing what can be accomplished when I don't need to be somewhere or doing something. Obviously hasn't been the case since because that was the last day any exercise was done. FU winter.

Saturday night ended up frickin' awesomely... more or less. With friends in town from overseas there was always going to be a big, drunken night on the town and that was it. We sorted a babysitter, got our shit together and headed for a bar along the coast. It wasn't long before the merriment began. Highlights were many. Amongst them 1) I asked the woman behind the bar for a sympathy discount after finding myself responsible for an expensive round. She took $20 off and only charged me half price or not at all for the rest of the night. 2) Realised that mutual friends are Arrested Development fans. As brilliant as that show was, barely anyone I know has ever fucking heard of it.  Trying to remember favourite quotes when you're already pretty smashed in almost as hard as saying 'The Bob Loblaw Law Blog'. 3) Chatted to a local radio DJ that did a prank call years ago which I'd never forgotten - posing as a pizza shop owner, he called a guy and said they delivered a pizza 2 days ago and no one answered the door. The guy said he'd fallen asleep. He told him they left the pizza outside somewhere. When the guy went to get it the pizza was piping hot. Someone had snuck over with a fresh pizza minutes before the call. His response was "Well we do make the freshest pizzas in town, sir". The guy spun out. I don't do it justice but it was fucking gold. 3) Had a long conversation with girl I went to primary and high school with. Literally pretend not to see her or know who she is on the many occasions we've crossed paths since. We were just classmates so no point. And then it turns out we have a mutual friend who's drunken idea of fun was to reintroduce us. FML. 4) A guy tried to pick me up. We somehow got talking about hot girls in the pub. He said something about being horny. Then something about having sex. Then "Unless you're keen? Hah... just joking... but if you are...? Haha". We both laughed. I didn't think much of it. Kept chatting. He said it again. Aaaand again. I'm not homophobic so wasn't offended but I've never been asked by a dude if I want to go to the bathrooms with him either. OMGoddddddd guys are so sleazy!

Up bright and early Sunday. Do you know what would be great? If my body would identify that it was tired and needed a break and let me sleep in. Nope. 7am rise and shine. It was basically all downhill from there. Killer hangover and headache. The day was mostly hijacked too - first up was a few hours of tech supporting a mate through a computer crisis that wasn't a crisis at all. Home a few hours later to work before eventually escaping to visit family. Next up was washing of the car. We've had this thing for over a year now and don't remember washing it once. It was filthy. This from a guy that would wash his car once a week rain, hail or shine. Oh how things change. Next, and finally, was an airport run. It rained. Car dirty again.

Okay enough with the words. Let's do the update. Check it...

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Extreme WHOA!Brain Surgery? Might As Well Sing To Pass The Time - No Just No!!Bear Grylls Finally Breaks As He Eats Stewed Mouse Cooked In Michelle Rodriguez’s Urine #OmNomNom - Sorority GirlsHere's The Banned University Of Alabama Sorority Recruitment Video - What’s Better?What’s Better A Dog Or An iPhone? These Kids Seem To Be A Bit Confused About Which Is Which - OrgasmsDani Was Excited And Turned On To Have Sex With Her Man. Her Expectations Were Definitely Met As Soon As They Started Kissing - You Can Feel The Intense Chemistry They Share For Each Other. Watch How Powerful Their Connection Is And How Many Times Dani Genuinely Orgasms. This Film Is Amazing On So Many Levels, It Will Surprise You. Enjoy! - Poop GOLD!Fatherhood At Its Best (And Worst)—Dad Retches His Way Through Changing His Baby’s Diaper - Grave RobberScumbag Flower Thief Caught Stealing From Graves - Be HonestShit Owen Wilson Says... He Sure Says A Lot... - InversiaIt's Time To Escape The Womb. You've Been In This Retro Place For Too Long And U Want Out. Not As Easy As Just Popping Out. You Have A Lot Of Upside Down Inside Outing If You Have Any Hope Of Getting Out. It's A Challenging Platform Game And It Will Test Your Reflexes To The Max.

Jump OutAim Well, Adjust Power, And Launch Your Critters. Hopefully To Their Freedom, But If U Miss To Their Deaths! Good Aiming And Be Skilful, For The Critters Sakes. - Sexy BexieI Just Love Watching While She Strips Down For A Shower. Extreme Win. - Erotic JihadThis Doesn't Need To Be Banne - Dat Ass!Katie Holmes Ass Cheek Upskirt - Salma CurvesSalma Hayek Wearing A Bikini Is Everything We Hopes It Would Be And So Much More - Crazy ShitThe Whole Family Gets Into A Fight With The Police, And One Of Them Was Killed Off Camera. Looks Like A Few Of Them Got Some Stick Time Too. - Horny TeenShe Knows That Her Tiny Petite Body Was Made For Taking A Rock Hard Cock. She Rides Him Doggystyle Then Drops To Her Knees To Suck Him Off! - Sister AnalLittle Sister Asks For Her Hole To Be Opened Up - So BadassThe Simulator For F-35 Training Should Be An Arcade Game It's So Badass! - Pussy GripA Pussy Doesn't Have To Be Ultra-Tight For A Good Fuck. The Secret Is All About The Inner Labia - They Need To Be Muscular Enough So That They Can Get A Grip Around Your Cock. All That Talk About The Perfect Pussy, It Doesn't Matter How It Looks Like But How It Feels!

Wizard WallsOne Day When This Ugly Group Of Trolls Comes Along To Take Your Sheep. You Use All That You Have At Hand To Stop Them - Your Magical Powers. In This Arcade-Defence Game, It Is Your Objective To Stop The Trolls From Killing Your Sheep. - F-ing BustedCraziest Episode Of Cheaters Ever? Lady Shows Up At Her Boyfriends Wedding And Stops It! - Up The BrownA Real Anal Virgin Crying As She Gets Her Brown Eye Busted - Bone TownA Couple Of German Teens Fuck On Home Video And Man Is It HOT - Surfer TitsJosie Gibson Topless On A Surfboard - Busty BlondeBusty Blonde Clara G Is Naked In Front Of The Mirror And I Think We Can All Agree That She Is One Smoking Hot Babe! - Freak AccidentGarbage Worker Crushed To Death In Freak Accident - PerfectoMicaela Schafer In Some Nude Photoshoot - RevengedUsually when your boyfriend cheats, he gets some VD, and his nuts are burning because of crabs. This Chick Is Tired Of That Shit, And Just Lights His Junk On Fire.

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat" I thought to myself.
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A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me two shots". Bartender says "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says" Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here" and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink". So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says "Hey, Jake. Go get that". The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied "Ma'am... that's your air freshener".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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THE UNLUCKIEST PEOPLE

Following in the footsteps of last week's Luckiest People post it only seems fair that we cover some who stare back at them contemptuously. We all have shitty days every now and then but next time you do it will definitely make you feel better remembering some of the poor fuckers on this list. Check it...

-It wasn't just New Yorkers who were traumatised by the September 11th attacks. Tourists from all over the world were in the city at the time. Tourists like the English couple Jason and Jenny Cairns-Lawrence, whose relaxing vacation was interrupted by the worst terrorist attack in history, experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime horror. Except it wasn't once in a lifetime at all because four years later in 2005 they were in London during the worst terror attack in their history. A series of bombs exploded across the city's transit system, killing 52 people. But it wasn't over. Three years later, they took another vacation. This time, to the exotic Indian city of Mumbai where they saw the worst terror attack in that country's history, as shooting and bombing attacks killed and wounded hundreds.

-Pete Best was the original drummer for The Beatles. He was the most popular and arguably the best-looking member of the band. He was to be replaced by Richard Starky (Ringo Starr) only for studio recordings but to remain on for live performances. Signals got crossed and the message was delivered that Pete was out of The Beatles completely. And that was that.

-Every Christmas in Spain, there's a lottery draw called El Gordo, which translates as "the fat one". And the tiny village of Sodeto had some serious cause for celebration after all of the 70 households -except for one- purchased tickets. These lucky locals' number came up, resulting in them getting a share of the monster $950 million first-place prize. Sure enough, the residents, mainly farmers and unemployed construction workers, walked away with millions... except one. It seems that the good folk who went door to door selling the tickets had simply neglected to knock on his door.

-In 1991, a 57-year-old Thai woman named Yooket Paen was walking on her farm when she slipped on some mud, grabbed a naked live wire, and was electrocuted to death. Soon after, her sister was showing some people how it had happened when she also slipped, grabbed the very same wire, and died.

-Wilmer McLean just wanted everyone to leave him the fuck alone. In 1861, the Battle of Bull Run, the Civil War's first major skirmish, started near his farm. McLean's house was used as a Confederate headquarters. A year later, soldiers traipsed back onto McLean's property, sparking the Second Battle of Bull Run. Combined, the battles resulted in more than 20,000 casualties. By 1863, McLean was tired of having strangers die in his yard and moved to southern Virginia. But the war followed him. In 1865, the armies sparred one last time-near McLean's new property. General Lee would sign the truce, of all places, in McLean's house.

-Roy Raymond founded of Victoria's Secret in 1977. He sold the company for $5 Million in 1982. Started another company, went bankrupt, got Divorced in 1993 then committed suicide by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. Meanwhile Victoria's Secret in 1995 had become a company worth $2 Billion with more than 700 stores.

-Henry Zeigland thought he'd dodged fate. It all started in 1883, when he broke off a relationship with his girlfriend, who then killed herself from the distress. Her brother went so crazy that he vowed to kill Ziegland. He hunted him down and shot him. Believing him dead, the brother then turned the gun on himself and ended his own life. But Ziegland wasn't dead. The bullet had only grazed his face and then lodged in a large tree behind him. He thought himself an incredibly lucky man. Years later, Ziegland decided to cut down the tree, which still had the bullet lodged in it. The task seemed so tough that he decided to blow it up with a few sticks of dynamite. The explosion sent the bullet out straight into Ziegland's head, killing him instantly.

-In 1985, New Orleans lifeguards decided to throw a pool party celebrating their first drowning free season ever. Ironically, after a party filled with hundreds of lifeguards, one of the partygoers was found dead at the bottom of the pool.

-Seven is a lucky number to some, but Roy Sullivan would disagree - he's been struck by lightning seven times. A Virginia park ranger, he had such bad luck that, on one occasion, a bolt struck him inside a ranger station, setting his hair on fire. After that, he carried a can of water wherever he went. But Sullivan's seventh strike was possibly his strangest. Sullivan was trout fishing, and after Mother Nature lit him up, a bear stole a fish hooked on his line. When Sullivan recovered, he hit the bear with a stick, got into his car, and drove off in a daze-perhaps feeling lucky that the bear didn't see him as a main course.

-Bobby Leach was one of the greatest dare devils to ever live. He would regularly perform death defying stunts and was only the second person in history to go over the side of the Niagara Falls in a barrel. One day, however, while walking down a quiet street in New Zealand, Leach slipped on an orange peel, broke his leg, and died due to complications that he developed afterwards.

-After losing four houses to four hurricanes, Melanie Martinez was arguably America's unluckiest woman. There was Betsy in 1965, Juan in 1985, George in 1998 and Katrina in 2005. Such was the peril of living on a flood plain in Louisiana. But then the school bus driver's luck changed. A reality TV show selected her ramshackle house in Braithwaite, south of New Orleans, for a makeover. The team spent a week and $20,000 transforming the Martinez home with a new kitchen, new cupboards, and new appliances - including a 50 inch TV. But in 2012 a category 1 hurricane tore in from the Gulf and hit her again. Martinez and her family were rescued by boat along with their five kittens and three dogs. Everything else was lost.

-Briton Paul Marshallsea headed for Australia for a holiday whilst on medical leave from his job. Relaxing on a sunny beach, he became a hero after wading in to the surf and grabbing a 6ft shark by the tail before it could attack children paddling nearby. Of course, someone filmed the encounter, it went viral and his bosses back in dreary England saw the footage. He arrived home a week later to a letter notifying him he'd been fired.

-Michael Anderson was convicted of murder but managed to convince the jury that he was innocent. While the jury was convinced, karma sure wasn't. Later, Anderson was trying to fix his earphones which were connected to his television set. Unluckily for him he decided to do this while seated on a steel toilet seat, resulting in his electrocution.

-John Lyne is Britain's unluckiest man, suffering 16 major accidents in his life, including lightning strikes, a rock fall in a mine and three car crashes. Then there was the time a stone, propelled by a catapult, hit him in the mouth smashing eight teeth. When he was born, one of five children to a farming family, it was uncertain whether he would survive. He had underdeveloped lungs and needed steroids and special care. Then when he toddled aged 18 months into his grandmother's bathroom and took a swig from a disinfectant bottle, he was rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped. His most famous incident occurred when he was a teen. He was rushed to hospital after breaking his arm falling from a tree. On the way home from the hospital, the bus he was traveling on crashed - so he broke the same arm again in a different place. Then in 2006, his story hit the newspapers because he was laid up again after falling down a manhole at work.

-In 1982, 27-year-old David Grundman and his roommate went out into the desert to shoot cacti. Unfortunately for David, his last victim was a 26-foot-tall Saguaro cactus that subsequently fell and crushed him to death.

-Yu Zhenhuan is the hairiest man in the world. Ninety six per cent of Yu's body is covered with hair, the result of a rare condition. In fact, Yu had to undergo surgery to remove hair from his ears as it was affecting his hearing. Bitches hate Yu.

PUBLIC SEX... BECAUSE ASHlEY MADISON USERS DO IT EVERYWHERE!

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of His truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle".

ORSM VIDEO


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There was this guy, let's call him Bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought "Wait a minute... there was a golden toilet!!". He got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather than going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender "Do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!"

PUFFY NIPS ON BEAUTIFUL TITS

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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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ORSM VIDEO

UNLUCKY PEOPLE (CONTINUED)

-Ronald Wayne co-founded Apple Inc. along with Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. But sold his share for $800. According to estimates if he had retained his 10% stock shares of the company, it would be worth $35 billion today.

-Harry Jenkins and his two buddies go ice fishing one day at Ten Mile Lake in Minnesota. The lake is completely iced over. In an attempt to quickly create a large hole for fishing, Mr. Jenkins tosses a stick of illegally obtained dynamite across the ice. To his horror, his pet dog Jerry, a Labrador retriever races across the ice in an attempt to retrieve the dynamite - thinking that his master is throwing a stick for him. The dog picks up the dynamite then starts to run back towards them with a wagging tail. The men begin to run for their lives in the opposite direction, with the dog chasing them. They manage to escape the explosion but of course the dog didn't... and the ice near their truck was cracked which caused it to sink to the bottom of the lake. In addition to losing his dog, poor Harry then got stuck with the bill when his insurance company refused to pay his claim.

-Joe Green is the former college roommate of Mr Zuckerberg who, unlike his famous friend, decided to stay enrolled in Harvard instead of dropping out to make Facebook. That decision is called his $400 million mistake.

-Jeanne Rogers' misfortune started in 1967 while on a cruise ship. Jeanne went onto the wet deck and began taking pictures. She slipped, and fell off of the cruise ship. When her friend saw what had happened, they tried to run and get help but slipped, and knocked themselves unconscious. An hour later, after Jeanne's friend came to, the captain was informed that a passenger had fallen overboard, and they turned around to find her. In 1971 she escaped death once more after she was struck by a bolt of lightning. Her pantyhose melted to her legs, and the nerve damage inflicted on her was so severe she could never wear shoes again. Two years later, she was struck by lightning again. Years later she was swimming at the YMCA. She heard there was a phone call for 'Rogers' at the front desk, so she tried to leave the pool to answer the phone. While leaving the pool, she accidentally pantsed a man who was also trying to get out of the pool. That man was TV god Mr Rogers who was getting out of the pool thinking the phone call was for him.

-According to legend, German zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt, was frustrated by a constipated elephant and decided to feed him laxatives to 'relieve' the backlog. Friedrich's remedies certainly worked because the elephant released around 200 pounds of faeces in one go. But as luck would have it, poor Friedrich found himself in the line of fire and suffocated under the elephant poop.

-In 1911, 23-year-old Violet Jessop was a stewardess on the RMS Olympic, a luxury ship that was the largest civilian liner at that time, until it collided with the old protected cruiser HMS Hawke off the Isle of Wight. A year later, Violet boarded the RMS Titanic, also as a stewardess, until it famously struck an iceberg, broke in two, and sank. She was later ordered into lifeboat 16 and was rescued by the RMS Carpathia. Finally, during the First World War, Violet served again as a stewardess on board His Majesty's Hospital Ship Britannic. However, that ship apparently struck a mine and, with all the portholes open for ventilation, quickly sank in the Aegean Sea off the Greek island of Kea with the loss of 30 lives. Violet jumped out of a lifeboat to avoid being sucked into the Britannic's propellers and was eventually rescued, once again. After the war, Violet continued to work a stewardess! Many years later, in 1971, she died of congestive heart failure.

-When Mariesa Weber was reported missing by her family no one thought she would be discovered 11 days later, upside down, behind a bookshelf in her room. Apparently her and her sister would try to adjust the TV plug by crawling up on top of the shelf. When she slipped and fell, however, she couldn't free herself and allegedly somehow suffocated with her family in the next room.

-Robert Todd Lincoln can certainly be called unlucky, especially for those around him. He was present at the scene of three separate assassinations: the one of his own father, President Abraham Lincoln, then President Garfield and President McKinley. Identifying his rotten luck, Lincoln decided to never attend presidential functions again.

-Erik Norrie is no stranger to unusual occurrences. After nearly dying in a shark attack, he told reporters that he has also been struck by lightning and has suffered a rattlesnake bite, as well. Norrie was spearfishing in the Bahamas on 2013 when a shark came up behind him and took a chunk out of the back of his leg. Norrie's father-in-law jumped in between him and the shark and helped him get to the shore where a doctor from happened to be vacationing. Norrie used large rubber bands from his spear to create a tourniquet to stop the blood from gushing from his fresh wound.

-A famous proponent of healthy eating and organic farming, Jerome Irving Rodale died of a heart attack while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show in 1971. Some of his last words were that he would live to 100, unless he was run down by a sugar-crazy taxi driver. Appearing fast asleep during the show, Dick Cavett joked "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?" before discovering that his 72-year-old guest had indeed died.

-Major Summerford was a British officer who was forced to retire from the Army after an accident left him partially paralysed after being struck by lightning. His bad luck streak continued as he was struck by lightning again: once while fishing, once during a walk and once after his death. Yes, even his tombstone was struck by lightning.

-When Robert Williams tried to retrieve a faulty part at a Ford Motor's casting plant, the malfunctioning machine reactivated and its arm slammed into his head, killing him instantly. Robert is the first man in history to have been killed by a robot.

-In 2010, a passenger was randomly selected in the worst possible way. He was minding his own business, trying to catch a flight from Slovakia to Dublin, when security officers decided to train their dogs to detect bombs. An explosive device was placed in the innocent passenger's bag, without him knowing, and the sniffer dog's job was to detect if there were any explosives in any bags. As it turns out, the dog rightfully detected the explosive, but one of the officers forgot to actually remove the bomb from the passenger's bag. The passenger then took his bag onto the plane, and when he landed, he brought it home with him. Three days after the dog was being trained to remove bombs, the man's apartment, and the surrounding area, was sealed off and evacuated. The bomb squad had to defuse the bomb, and the man was taken into custody.

-John Wade Agan made the news in 2011 for being taken to the hospital again, this time after he was struck by lightning while using a landline telephone in his Florida home. In the past, the 47-year-old was robbed at gunpoint while driving his taxi and got locked in the trunk. He also suffered injuries after being stabbed in the chest with a butcher's knife in 2008. In 2009, he claimed he was bitten by two snakes at the same time.

-In 1999, Betty Stobbs, 67, of Durham, England, took a bale of hay to feed her flock of sheep on the back of her motorcycle. Her hungry sheep, however, charged her bike and knocked her into a deep ravine. She survived the fall but was killed when her bike landed on top of her.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first".

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler" replied the man. The bartender said "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye" he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay" he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me" said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet".

So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars" said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop". The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on" he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING... I TOOK PICS...

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A family doctor is seeing an 80 year old patient for the first time. She tells him, "Since this is your first time here, I'd like to get a little history on you. Who's been your regular doctor up till now?" The man says "I don't remember saying I've ever been to the doctor". The doctor is astonished. "What? You've never been to a doctor?" The man says "Nope. Never needed one before". "That's remarkable" she says.

"But there must be a family doctor somewhere? What about your father when he was alive. Who was the family doctor?" "I don't remember saying my father had passed away". "Oh, I'm sorry! You're fathers still alive? He must be at least a hundred". "Yep. 'Bout that. And he's never been to the doctor either". She says "Well that's one impressive bloodline you have there. What an amazing family. But there's got to be a doctor in the history somewhere.

"What about your grandfather when he was alive? Who was the family doctor?" "I don't remember saying my grandfather had passed away". "Oh come on now, you must be kidding! Your grandfather is still alive? He'd have to be at least 120!" "Yep, 'Bout that. And he's never been to the doctor either. But I think he's gonna have to go soon. He's getting married next week". "What?" she says.

"Oh now surely you're joking. Getting married? Imagine being 120 years old and wanting to get married!" The old man looks at her and says "I don't remember saying he WANTED to get married".

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A guy walks into a doctor's office and says "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and I I I I'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?" The doctor says "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on".

So he examines him and says "Well I think I know what the problem is". The guy says "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords". The guy says "Wwwhat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one". The guy says "Dddeal, dddo it!

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on".

The doctor says "P-p-p piss o-o-o-off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

LINGERIE: IT MAKES GIRLS EVEN SEXIER

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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered "Yes... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?' "Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart".

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

ORSM VIDEO


ANd that's me done and done.

-Check out the site archives. It's where all the cool kids are right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Reader Mail section back in chunky glory.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell Jared where your kids are.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and straighten up and fly right. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.08.13-20.03
Boobies

Welcome to difficult people.

I really have to find a better way to sit down and right write this bloggy bit. Whilst putting a whole update together takes the better part of 4 days, writing this part you're reading now is always the absolute last thing to be done meaning I'm usually too thrashed, disinterested or hungry when I really need the word juices to be flowing. So let's just start typing and see what happens. I make no promises...

Shit has been kind of quiet. It's [apparently] the middle of winter and my focus at the mo is on getting fitter and less fatter. Firstly the less fat... have managed to shed 20kg since April. Could/should have done better but not entirely unhappy. Aiming for another 10 by November. Definitely doable if I can keep the "20 is really good so let's eat some reward hamburgers" voices out of my head. Next is fitness which obviously goes hand in hand. Am pretty much killing it at the moment... except on rainy/windy/cold days when people [read: me] don't like going out. Walked 150kms in June but couldn't crack 60 in July accordingly. The goal is to be in as good a shape as possible before hitting the U.S. so I can flee quickly from the frequent gun crime we will undoubtedly encounter...

Saturday. The garage project continues. Can't remember what I've told you guys and CBF reading back but... have spent a ridiculous amount of time in there arranging things to better utilise space. IE. It's cramped and I'm hooking shit on to walls or wherever to get it out of the way. What this entails is basically a lot of head scratching, measuring and drilling holes in stuff. And that was about half of the day. The other half was sat in front of my PC plugging away at this update and others like it. That night... we had friend's kids stay for a sleepover. Haven't really been involved in many any of those since my childhood but now understand they are very different things to kids and grownups - for them it's exciting being allowed to stay up late, eat some ice cream and watch a funny movie. For us it's a titty-free Adam Sandler flick and over an hour of "Okay guys 5 more minutes and then bedtime alright?" plus a few rounds of "Go the fuck to sleep".

Speaking of which... would love to know what's up with sleeping lately because I'm doing it like a retard. An actual retard. Body is tapping out at around 5 or 6 hours and after crashing on the couch the night before around 11ish... well let's just say being wide awake well before sunrise was annoying. Decided to get up and make a soup... and clean the house... and make everyone breakfast plus a bunch of other stuff that makes you think I have a vagina.

Escaped the house to go smash some dumplings at a Chinese restaurant we found months ago... should never have gone back and it would then always have been remembered as awesome. Now we'll never know if we caught them on a bad day this time or a good day last time. Next we investigating the nearby Asian grocery stores then off to a mates place for another session of PC support. And that rounded out the day/weekend.

Sometimes its probably easy to see why I struggle to conjure up a few paragraphs when there, like I said, has been fuck all of interest going on. Bearing this in mind, its important to know that the update gets better. Way better. Way, way, way better. So go forth and enjoy. Check it...

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Glitter TitsHow Can You Make Boobs Even Better? Add Glitter, Of Course - Vagina SafeDoctor Invents An Anti-Rape Female Condom With Spiky Teeth Inside To Bite Would-Be Rapists - Karma Blows Watch This Tornado Sweep A Car Right Off The Road - Space CrabsAlien Space Crab On Mars? Conspiracy Theorists Claim NASA Photo Reveals Facehugger Creature - Tushy FuckedPornstars Getting Their Tushy Fucked - Drone Fishing Badass Fisherman Takes Matters Into His Own Hands To Deal With Annoying Drone - Dirty Minded50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Tough Love Think Out Of The Box To Solve Some Of The More Challenging Levels. Be Warned, Your Brain Better Stretch A Bit Before Getting Into This Game.

Cube Escape The First Time I Stepped Into That Room, I Knew There Was Something More Than Just A Dead Body... - Smokin' BodPaula Bulczynska For Emanuele Ferrari... All Names I Don't Know Or Care About But One Thing Is For Sure - This Chicky Has A F-ing Smoking Bod! - NeverendingIt's Mind Over Colon In The World Of Extreme Anal Porn And This Busted Bitch Is A Friggin' Jedi Master. Years Of Determination, Training And Butt Hole Abuse Were All Worth It To Make This Magical Feat Of Beauty Possible. - Nude SecretaryVal Sure Looks Like She’d Make A Fine Old Timey Secretary! She’s Got A Good Attitude, Answers The Phone And Shows Off Her HUGE Tata's In The Office!! Don Draper Would Approve Wouldn’t You Say? - Beaver SlipMichelle Rodriguez Flaunting Some Pubes While Swimming - Daddy IssuesWhen She's Not Slam Dancing To The Dead Kennedys, This Pig Likes To Slam Her Mouth Around Anyone's Cock. - Weirdr36 People On Tinder Who Will Make You Go Whoa! - I Love HerTeens Perfect Pussy Fucked By A Big Cock Before He Blows All On Her Face - Ka-BOOM!Dannnng! That Tank Got Fucked Up. What Did They Do - Put The Turret On With Zip Ties? Not That It Mattered Anyway Because Aint No One Getting Out Of There Alive.

DeflectorDefend Your Space Station From The Attacking Alien Horde. If Fuckstrating Was A Word Then This Game Is The Meaning. - WT-Clit!?All You Need To Know To Watch This Video Is: Her Name Is Colette And She Is A Female Bodybuilder. - Bone TownGorgeous Teen Rides Her Boyfriend On Webcam. To Anyone Who's Ever Gotten A Girl Like This - How Do You Get A Girl Like This?? - Bwahaha!Goat Takes Revenge On Beheader. Karma Is Served! - Blonde BonedFrench Chick Is A Bit Shy Fucking On Camera For The First Time - Nips-B-Free!Charlotte McKinney Frolicking In The Surf Is Why I'm On The Way To The Beach ASAP. - Eyes Down!Finally These Chicks Are Being Truthful. I've Always Wondered Why They Get So Pissed If You Get Caught Taking A Look, But Wear Super V Necked Clothing With Their Tits Falling Out. - He Is NutsTourist Guide Shows Off His Alligator Feeding Skills - Rita FTWI Don't Know Much About Rita Ora Except For How Fucking Good She Looks In A Bikini... - Classy AssHere’s A Set Of Stacey Busting Out Of A Skirt And Tight Top To Reveal The Insane Body She's Packing Underneath!

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please" protested the college president "you already make more than the entire History department". "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with" the coach blustered. "Look". He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there" he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir" he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean" conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned".
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How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant? Have her squat on a watermelon and check it for teeth marks.
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Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir" the first trooper told the driver "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket". Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied "Tacks evasion".
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE

Oh to be an asshole. You're going to hate almost every single one of these people. Why? Because if it were you or I we would've been killed a thousand times over... or not won the money... and so on.

-It seemed all hope was lost for truck driver Bill Morgan, who was involved in a horrific truck accident and suffered a fatal heart attack while in the crushed vehicle. After 14 minutes of being clinically dead, Morgan was revived but remained in a coma for 12 days. It was recommended that his family take him off of life support. It's a good thing they didn't because a year later, a fully recovered Morgan proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes. Soon after, he bought a scratchy lottery ticket and won a new car. A local TV station decided to do a story on him with Morgan re-enacting scratching his lottery ticket and t everyone's amazement, he scratched off another winning ticket worth $250,000 dollars!

-On July 28, 1945, a B-25 bomber crashed into the then tallest building in the world, the Empire State Building, in New York City. The impact was so hard that the plane made a hole clean through the iconic building. Elevator operator Betty Lou Oliver was standing in the elevator on the 80th floor of the building at the time of the plane's impact, just a floor below. Oliver suffered severe burns. Rescue crews put her back into the elevator to get her to the hospital as soon as possible, but the cables were so badly damaged they snapped, and sent Betty Lou plummeting 75 floors to the basement of the building. Ms. Oliver defied all odds and survived a second time that day.

-Roy Sullivan holds the unenviable world record for the greatest number of times someone has been struck by lightning: seven. His first brush with electricity from the sky came in 1942, when he was struck on the leg while atop a lookout tower. Strike number two came 27 years later in 1969, when a bolt struck the truck he was driving, knocking him unconscious. He went on to be struck by lightning five more times in the next eight years, the final time being in 1977 while he was fishing.

-Michael Holmes was one of the top ten skydivers in the world with 7,000 jumps under his belt. One day he was making just another routine jump, 15,000 feet above Lake Taupo in New Zealand, when tragedy struck. Pulling on the cord to release his chute, nothing happens. He then tries to release his reserve parachute with no luck. Holmes waves goodbye to the world and screams a last message into the microphone of his camera. The video ends with the violent thud of the diver hitting the ground before the camera goes black. Miraculously Holmes only suffered a punctured lung and a broken ankle from this terrifying fall.

-Amanda Pratt was driving to her new receptionist job on when she collided with another car at an intersection, sending her car careening toward the nearby railroad tracks. As a 70-car freight train, just bore down, a passer-by rushed to assist. Finding the driver's side door smashed and stuck, he ran around and, with the help of another man, pulled Pratt out the passenger door just before the train struck and seriously damaged Pratt's car.

-In 1990, Martin Donnelly was in Spain competing in the Formula One race on the Jerez circuit. In the blink of an eye, his career was over when his Lotus 102 speared off into the barrier at 140 miles an hour. Donnelly was thrown from the vehicle, still strapped to his seat and his car was obliterated. Donnelly survived but not without pretty severe injuries - two broken legs, bruised lungs and brain and blood loss. After intensive care and a long recovery, he now only walks with a slight limp.

-In 1848 a Vermont railway worker was going about his business of preparing the roadbed for the laying of railroad tracks. This process involved boring out a hole in the ground, filling it with blasting powder and detonating from a safe distance using a fuse. While compacting the powder using a 6kg metal rod over a metre long and 5cm in diameter, the powder accidentally ignited blowing the rod out of the hole and through his skull, entering via his left cheek, passing behind the left eye and through the top of his head. Miraculously he didn't die and was able to walk and sit almost immediately following the accident, despite the first physician actually being able to see his brain pulsating.

-In 2014, two Malaysian Airline Flights MH370 and MH17 were subjected to an unfortunate tragedy. MH370 was a scheduled international passenger flight that disappeared on 8 March 2014, while flying from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing. MH17 was a scheduled international passenger flight from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur that crashed on 17 July 2014 after being shot down, near Ukraine-Russia border, killing all 283 passengers and 15 crew on board. A Dutch cyclist, Maarten de Jonge, who was scheduled to fly on both Malaysia Airlines flights escaped certain death after changing his ticket for each flight at the last minute.

-In 1995 after a failed relationship, 29 year old Connie Mercure from Brooklyn jumped over 200 feet into the Lower New York Bay. Rescuers immediately pulled her from the chilly waters. Mercure survived with a broken leg, extensive internal bleeding and hypothermia.

-Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou were working in an illegal Chinese coal mine when it collapsed, leaving them stranded below ground without food or water. Fellow miners attempted to rescue them, only to be arrested by local authorities for being involved in an illegal mining operation. Having been written off as dead and not knowing whether any rescue efforts would save them, the Mengs dug their way through almost 20 metres of dirt and coal using their hands and the one pickaxe they had with them, drinking urine and even trying to eat coal in an attempt to stay alive on their way to freedom.

-Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts. A number of which were planned by the CIA. Fidel has survived femme fatales, poisoned wetsuits, ballpoint hypodermic syringe, exploding cigars, contaminated cigars, an exploding conch shell, radio station interview attacked with LSD, a handkerchief teeming with deadly bacteria, poisoned milkshakes and many, many more.

-22 year-old Sarah Henley became famous in 1885 after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Sarah received a letter from her fiancé ending their engagement. Distraught, she rushed to end her life by the jumping off the Clifton Suspension Bridge. That particular morning there was a slight wind blowing which inflated her skirt causing it to act like a parachute thereby slowing her decent. She went on to marry another man and live until age 85.

-During WWII Tsutomu Yamaguchi was an employee of Mitsubishi Heavy Industries. He was in Hiroshima when the first nuclear bomb was dropped. Though injured by the blast, he survived. Mitsubishi relocated him to a facility in Nagasaki, and he was there when the second atomic bomb fell. He survived it too and lived until 2010.

-In 1954, Ann Hodges was sleeping in her Alabama home when a grapefruit sized meteorite weighing 4kg punched through her roof, hitting her radio and rebounding into her side. While shocked, she was lucky enough to only be bruised by the impact of the rock, which was initially seized by the US Air Force.

-A surveyor working in the forests of British Columbia unexpectedly came face-to-face with a 400kg grizzly bear. Armed only with an axe, and knowing that the bear could easily outrun him if he tried to flee, he lay down and played dead. The bear decided to start clawing and gnawing at the unhappy woodsman's head, tearing away large patches of skin, before swiping at his body and jumping on top of him. Eventually, the bear walked away, leaving him alive but bleeding.

-Timothy Ray Brown was cured of HIV in 2007 after living with the infection for 12 years. Doctors conducted an experiment using a stem cell donor who was naturally resistant to HIV infection. The stem cells were transplanted into Brown and he was able to immediately stop all antiretroviral treatment. The virus has never returned.

SHIT THAT HAPPENS AT MUSIC FESTIVALS...

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breast".

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis".

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 feet. "That was great" the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

ORSM VIDEO: PEOPLE CRASHING INTO SHIT EDITION


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Say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do. Guys don't generally date "up" and even if professionally you're at the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same job. So he can afford to pay for you. (Frankly, if you're hoping to marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his offspring.) But, in case you need more justification, read on:

Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw you. Your haircut? It cost more than his. Your clothes? Not only are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more, even though there's less fabric.

Even if every line item in your wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one you were wearing - the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place) and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run.

Oh, did I mention cosmetics? So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone asks you to lunch, they're paying, right? You don't even think about this, do you?

Okay. So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours? Because you're a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (read: more expensive) neighbourhood. You insist on an "upper" apartment, which is at least a few hundred dollars more a month.

How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell phone for emergencies? How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those marauding bands of female rapists and muggers?

How about all the times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or two in THAT neighbourhood? If you live in New York, all the times you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe for a woman to be out at that hour?

You go out, you let him pay. It goes well, (because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying does make them feel like a man) he keeps asking you out. So, why not reach for the wallet now? Are you planning to have sex with him?

So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts are working properly? Unless your gynaecologist knows the insurance scam, that's another few hundred bucks a year that's not covered.

And then, there's the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for a while, you're using condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop. But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup method. You read Cosmo. You know. Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method of birth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's expensive and really shitty if it fails.

So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant, let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something nice for him, make him dinner once in a while. Buy really nice lingerie. Stock up on his favourite brand of condom. Pay for your half of the vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of sushi at Matsuhisa can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt in that chair. I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for.

NUDISTS ARE GOING PLACES

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ORSM VIDEO

THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE (CONTINUED)

-In January 2014, Steven Gove was riding his bicycle home after having finished delivering newspapers when he was hit by a drunk driver. Gove's body and bicycle were stuck in the windshield of the moving vehicle and he was conscious. While in the windshield, he said to the driver "Hello. I'm the guy you hit on the bicycle". Gove later recalled "I had no idea at all why he wasn't acknowledging me". The journey continued - he ran a stop sign and hit another car before arriving home at which point he noticed the boy poking out of his windshield and and said "Who are you? What are you doing in the car?" Gove was taken to the hospital where he was treated for cuts to the head and glass was removed from his eyes.

-A Detroit schoolgirl was just seven years old when her mother's ex-boyfriend abducted the pair at gunpoint and hustled them into a car. When they stopped for gas, the kidnapper shot the mother twice: once in the head, and once in the arm. She then jumped across the car and positioned herself in between her mother and the gunman, begging him to stop. She was shot six times at point blank range and not only survived, but went on to make a full recovery; as did her mother, who was treated and discharged a few days later.

-Violet Jessop contracted tuberculosis as a child and beat it, going on to live a long life. During that life, she worked on the ship, the Olympic. Not the best ship to be on since it collided with the HMS Hawke, which broke the hull below the water line, causing the ship to start taking on water. It made it back to port, and she disembarked with no problem. Then she served on the Titanic. We all know how that story ends. But she survived. Then she served on the Britannic. Which was sunk by a mine left by a German U-boat. She survived that as well, even having the presence of mind to grab her toothbrush, which she didn't have a chance to do on the Titanic. She lived to age 84.

-Craig McCabe set out alone in his 65 foot yacht on from Marina del Rey, California. Then whilst leaning over, he lost balance and fell in the water. The boat sailed on without him. He swam toward a buoy spotted in the distance; finding a half-inflated party balloon and, using it to keep afloat, kept swimming. As it deflated, he grew weaker. Meanwhile, McCabe's brother heard a report that a boat had run aground on Catalina Island, 30 miles away. Confirming with the Coast Guard that it was his brothers, he borrowed a speedboat to aid in the search. Amazingly, Lance spotted his brother's bobbing head and saved him from the cold waters.

-In 1983 a 19-year old boy named George suffered from extreme OCD. His case was so severe that he had to quit school and his job. Frustrated with his condition, George tried to suicide by shooting himself in the head. He failed. The shot hit the left frontal lobe which is responsible for OCD without causing any damage to other regions. As a result he was cured from OCD and was able to return to college where he was a straight A student.

-On May of 2001, artist and inventor Hanns Jones was despondent over business pressures. After heavy drinking and arguing with his wife, Jones drove his pickup to the Sunshine Skyway Bridge to end his life. Right after Jones jumped he said he knew it was a big mistake. The force of the impact ripped Jones's clothes off but despite multiple rib fractures, internal bleeding and a collapsed lung, he was able to swim to the rocks near one of the pylons. Rescuers found him sitting naked but safe.

-Joan Ginther has won the lottery not once, but 4 times! Her life changed when she first won a cool $5.4 million, only to win $2 million more 10 years later. It doesn't end there. 2 years later she won $3 million, and a staggering $10 million in 2008.

-A 22-year-old stewardess was working on a Serbian passenger jet in 1972 when a bomb planted by Croatian nationalists exploded on the aircraft, which had been flying at 33,330 feet. Despite the plane separating into several pieces, she found herself in the remains of the aircraft's mid-section, where she remained for the entirety of a 33,000-foot freefall to the ground. Rescuers found her with a fractured skull, three broken vertebrae and two broken legs but somehow alive. She was in a coma for 27 days before waking up semi-paralysed, but eventually made a full recovery.

-Frane Selak cheated death not once or twice, but 7 times! Selak's brushes with death started in January 1962 when the train he was travelling in flipped off the tracks, and crashed in a freezing canyon river. Bystanders pulled him to the shore, while 17 other passengers drowned. Selak suffered a broken arm and hypothermia. A year later, during his first and only plane ride, Frane was blown out of a malfunctioning plane door... and managed to on a haystack. The plane crashed, 19 passengers died. In 1966 a bus he was travelling in skidded off the road into a river. Four passengers drowned, he was not one of them. Two years after, Selak was trying to teach his youngest son how to hold a gun when the boy accidentally shot him in the balls. Selak's testicles had to be removed, but he of course survived. In 1970, and 1973 he got into accidents where his car caught fire. Apart from singed hair, Selak managed to get out of the situation absolutely unharmed. In 1995, Selak was struck by a bus in Zagreb, but only sustained minor injuries. A year later, he eluded a head-on collision with a United Nations truck on a blind mountain curve by swerving into a guardrail, which couldn't hold on its own and gave way under the impact force of the car. He was not wearing a seat-belt at this point of time, and was ejected from the car when the door flew open. The car plummeted 300 feet into a gorge without Selak inside, who survived. In 2003, two days after his 73rd birthday, Frane Selak won €800,000 in the Croatian National Lottery! He bought two houses and a boat with it and also used the money to buy a small chapel to thank the Lord for all of his fortune.

-At the age of 19 Kevin Hines battle with bipolar disorder became so intense that he finally decided to end his life. He took a bus to the Golden Gate Bridge, picked his spot and stood there for 40 minutes. No one approached him to ask what was wrong and when a tourist came up and asked whether he could take her photo, Hines thought that was clear proof that no one cared. He took the picture and then jumped. Instantly he realised he had made a mistake and threw his head back trying to hit feet first. Hines speared 40 feet underwater but miraculously survived. He endured arduous physical rehabilitation afterward but said dealing with bipolar was far more difficult.

-12th century monk Nichiren, managed to escape his own beheading when the executioner was struck and killed by lightning upon raising his sword.

-Shannon Malloy was in a car accident which caused her head to smash into the dashboard and her skull to detach itself from her spine, a phenomenon known as internal decapitation. Remarkably though, her spinal cord remained intact, allowing surgeons to attempt to insert screws into her neck to keep her skull in place. With every second being crucial, doctors fought to keep Malloy alive long enough to complete the procedure as her skull kept slipping from her neck. Eventually, they were able to stabilise her head and neck, and while nerve damage has made Malloy permanently cross-eyed, she survived.

-A 24-year-old Brazilian construction worker was having a seemingly normal day at his job until a six foot metal rod fell from the fifth-floor of the building he was working on; piercing his hard hat and skull. Miraculously, the rod entered the back of his head and exited right between his eyes. He avoided losing vision in one eye and narrowly escaped having the left side of his body paralysed. He even claimed to feel no pain when asked in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.\

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel, and the bride says to her new groom "Please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

This puzzled the groom, since, after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain this unlikely phenomena.

The bride responds... "My first husband was a sales rep. He spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms "It's gonna be great!

My second husband was a programmer. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.

My third husband was from field service. He constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay" but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from educational services. He simply said "Those who can... do; those who can't... teach".

My fifth husband was a telemarketer. He said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from finance and administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from standards and regulations. He told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a marketing manager. He said "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was *talk* about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist. All he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector. All he ever wanted to do was... darn, I miss him!

SO, now that I have married a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get screwed!"

EVERYTHING IS BETTER FROM A GIRLS pov. EVERYTHING.

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Three chums, who had been friends since high school, were drinking heavily at their reunion. They started telling exciting job related war stories. As the drinks flowed the embellishment became vast.

George, who had graduated from the police academy, told of the gang holdup of the First City National Bank. He, alone, cornered and held the gang in their hideaway until reinforcements arrived and the entire gang was arrested without injury. For his service he was awarded the Meritorious City Citation.

Fred, who had trained as a fireman, became the City Fire Marshall. In one major blaze, when a 30 unit apartment was subject of a 5 alarm fire call, Fred single-handedly raced into the burning structure and rescued a woman and her three small children, carrying the baby to safety within his fire coat.

Elmerot, after high school graduation, became a mortician. He enjoyed working with people, the pay was good, and the job was quiet. Elmerot had only one event that he thought worthy of discussion. He was working the evening shift when the First City Hotel phoned and said that a patron had died and that the mortuary should recover the body. Elmerot took the panel body recovery truck and drove to the hotel. There was no parking space available and the only loading zone was occupied. Elmerod double parked the truck and took a collapsible gurney into the hotel where he was directed to the third floor and was instructed to recover the body without disturbing the hotel guests.

Elmerot said "When I entered the room I saw this huge man, lying in bed, on his back with an enormous erection. The sheet was tented like a pale pyramid. I didn't know what to do. In that condition he wouldn't fit into a body bag and I couldn't just put him on the gurney and wheel him into the elevator and out through the lobby".

"So" Elmerot continued. "I broke a leg off of a straight back chair and thrashed, smashed and beat the day lights out of that erection. It immediately became flaccid"

George interrupted "That's interesting, but not exciting". "Oh yes it was". Continued Elmerot "I was in the wrong room".

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests. The last one had left his digestive system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".

THEY'RE BASICALLY SAYING "I DEMAND YOU STARE AT MY BODY!"

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Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit". So the three guys scampered into the woods.

Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten". The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and eaten.

Dick came back with 10 berries and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples and that was that".

ORSM VIDEO


And t hat's a wrap dudes. Except...

-Check out the site archives otherwise be a fuckwit. It's one or the other. Please pick one. You have one hour.
-Next update will be next четврток.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will boil you. Like actually boil you in hot water.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems [until the weekend]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.08.06-19.04
Boobies

Welcome you only YOLO once.

Am at that point where I truly believe Australians should promise to never be racist again just so we can stop talking about Adam Goodes. For the love of fucking god, please make it stop. To everyone outside Australia who knows nothing of it, the story essentially goes something like this: NO ONE CARES. THE END.

Moving on. I can't really imagine a more interrupted week than this one. Well I can... it looks exactly like the past few days but with the phone beeping more, the front door being knocked on more, people being sick more, more fixing peoples computers more,  and so on... more. It's almost as if the depressiveness of winter is being fought against by an unknown force using my time as a weapon.

The problem then becomes having to work ultra-late when it's just not in me... so we give something the chop, replace it with a whole bunch of jokes and hope no one notices. And wouldn't you know it...? That's what's about to happen. Check it...

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what 'contingency' was, the lawyer replied "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything".
--
A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. "That's the way to do it" he says. "Big deal" replies the blonde. "You'd never have got it unless I'd tired it out first".
--
A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well" she said. "There was one part that was extremely painful". "I bet I know what part was so painful" someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off your balls" they said. "No" she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing". "Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker" another person offered. "No" she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feel anything". "Then what part of the operation was so painful?" They wanted to know. "Well" she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half of my brains".
--
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it".
--
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
--
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
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What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet? I.O.U.
--
My son asked me what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
--A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little... and the wrinkles will disappear!" The woman was enthused and told the doctor to "GO FOR IT!" The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?" The surgeon looked at her closely and said "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
--
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was in danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69. "Good God Holmes!" said Watson "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?" "Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary!"
--
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. But, she asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened... as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The blonde was alarmed. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
--
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it really smelled rotten!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
--
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte". "You've found her, Father" smiled the lady. "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago" he said glancing at the baby in her arms. "That's correct, Father. He surely did... but I didn't!"

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Titties BounceGirl Creates Viral Video By Pointing A Gopro At Her Boobs And Jumping On Bed - Cool As Shit'Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads'—The Flying Car Science Fiction Promised Us Is Here - Frickin' Sweet!Trust Me - You’re Going To Want A Robo Kitchen!! - Arachno DudeCutest Spider Ever – Recently Discovered Adorable Arachnid Does A Magnificent Mating Dance - Typical DayThis Is What A Firefighter Sees At Work - FAT-scinatingMayra Rosales The 'Half-Ton Killer' Sheds 800 Pounds And Turns Her Life Around - Aussie LezzersHot Australian Lesbian Teen Babe - FeistyLittle Sister Chokes Out Big Dude... And He's Okay With It Because She Put Her Vagina On His Neck. - Nice RantBill Burr's Epic Rant After Interviewer Asks Odd Question

Get To It!You Will Hit A Lot Of Boulders. Of This You Can Be Sure. Even If You Can Avoid Them, You'll Hit Them Soon. Forget Trying To Find The Valuables - Just Try To Stay Alive! - SHE WHAT?A Creative And Dedicated Cam Slut Is Bringing New Meaning To Terms Like 'Deep Throat' And 'Swallowing'. If Anyone Knows Who This Beautiful Gift From God Is, Please Let Me Know... I Need To Know...! - Rumble SoupQuack Has A Lot Of Internal Anger That Needs To Be Released... And What Better Way To Get Rid Of All Those Frustrations Than To Start Shooting His Floaty Enemies In A Big Bowl Of Soup? This Game Sounds Homo But Is Actually On The Borderline Of Too Much Awesome! - Girls ShowerMarina And Lolly Are Sharing A Shower And I Don’t Think I’m The Only One Who Would Enjoy Sliding In Between Them! - Lindsay ToeLindsay Lohan Cameltoe And Pokies Strutting On A Beach Somewhere - It's The PitsFeminist Armpit Hair And Trimmed Pussy Inconsistency For Purple Magazine - Fucking CRAZYWhat Do You Do When Your Regular Workout Isn’t Working Out? You Mix It Up A Bit. This Guy’s Mixing It Up Involves Fucking Around With A Train - Only JapanThese girls love having their rectums filled with fluids. It must be 80psi blasting out of those tight fart buckets. - Burnnnn!Horrible Accident At A Steelworks Wipes Out A Bunch Of Workers

Finite MovesIn This Game You Have A FINITE Number Of Moves To Position The Blocky Things Over The Glowy Dots. It Is A Brain Bending Brain-Teaser That Looks So Simple But Moves Away From That At A Frustrating Rate... - Maul HerThat's No Way To Treat A Lady... So Its Lucky That She's Too Dirty To Be One. - Like A ProBusty Brunette Gets The Cumshot That Keeps On Giving - Science Bitch!Seeing This Red Hot Nickel Ball Put On This Piece Of Foam Is Pretty Cool - Heli FailHelicopter Stunt Pilot Killed During Air Show - Strange PornHow About A Compilation With The Most Bizarre And Strange Moments In Porn? It Should Be Sufficient To Get You Through The Day... - Body PaintedJoanna Krupa Nude Body Paint For Peta - Massive RackKelly Brook Out And About In London. She’s Not Wearing Anything Revealing But Her Tits Are Looking MASSIVE!! Did A Miracle Happen And Her Tits Got Even Bigger? - Nude CalendarMicaela Schaefer Has A Nude Calendar. Her And Some Friends Take Their Clothes Off For It.

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing" the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!" replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there". So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... told you it'll be there before your dog!"
--
Woman gives birth to twins. The midwife says there's good news and bad news. Bad news is one's ginger but the good news is it's dead.
--
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor" replied the defendant "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and 'not to worry'". "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that" interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... when I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, 'Because everything's coming up Rose's'. THAT'S when I hit him!"
--
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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HORRIFYING FACTS ABOUT FLYING

Some of these are completely obvious, some I'm not sure are true and some just nasty... like this first one...

-Somebody has probably changed a diaper on your tray table. After all, why bother going all the way to the bathroom to remove your child's sodden diaper when you could just do it on the small table people eat their food on?

-In the event of a crash, depending on the speed of impact, it is likely your body (which is 70 percent water) will explode.

-What would happen if that tiny door somehow unlatched itself while we're up above the clouds? It's pretty much what you would imagine - the sudden decompression would cause the door to violently break off and anyone standing nearby would be sucked out of the plane. Meanwhile, the air would quickly turn to a frost-biting chill and the plane would slowly begin to break apart.

-If the oxygen masks drop down, you only have about 15 minutes of oxygen from the point of pulling them down. However, that is more than enough time for the pilot to take the plane to a lower altitude where you can breathe normally. More important - at altitude, you have 15-20 seconds before you pass out. Put yours on first, then do the kids. Passing out for a few seconds won't harm anyone.

-Airplane seat belts really should have shoulder straps. During a crash at a slower speed, shoulder straps can save lives, leaving the victims only with light bruising on the chest.

-We've all thought about it - what would happen if that tiny door somehow unlatched itself while we're up above the clouds? It's pretty much what you would imagine - the sudden decompression would cause the door to violently break off and anyone standing nearby would be sucked out of the plane. Meanwhile, the air would quickly turn to a frost-biting chill and the plane would slowly begin to break apart. Next time you're on a flight, try to think of something else. Thankfully, a person doesn't have the strength to open door whilst the cabin is pressurised and at altitude.

-Ashtrays in the lavatories are still mandatory equipment even though smoking has been banned on flights for years. The reasoning is that if people do decide to smoke, they want them to have a place other than the trash can to throw the butt.

-Without a shoulder harness, the jolt of the impact may cause your 10-pound head to snap your neck. It's possible that it may even fall off. There have been reports of waist belts severing plane crash victims in half.

-The air you breathe on an airplane is actually compressed air taken from the engines. A large portion (25% to 50%) is blown in the flight deck, the rest is for the passengers. The air leaves the airplane via a small hole in the back of the fuselage.

-Just because the headphones you are using come in a plastic bag doesn't mean they're new, or clean. The headphones are given a quick once over for anything obvious after use and stuck back inside a plastic bag for reuse.

-Do not drink the water in the lav. It is bad enough to "wash" your hands in it. Storage tanks are sanitised at selected maintenance intervals, however parasites build tolerances to these cleaners.

-Seats should really be faced the other way around. Surgeons say the back can absorb much more shock than the chest. Rear-facing seats installed in Navy transport planes have saved lives by tenfold.

-A plane can glide 6 nautical miles for every 5000 feet. So at 35,000 feet, a plane can glide about 42 miles without power. It's why most accidents happen landing or taking off.

-The life jackets are mainly there to help rescue crews find the bodies in the event of a crash.

-Check the outside of the aircraft when walking in. If the paint is crappy shape, the plane is in crappy shape. Hydraulic fluid is a nasty fluid and will dissolve everything. So if the paint is missing, it's probably from a hydraulic fluid leak and no one wants one of those at 35,000 feet.

-In the Air Force, they take foot prints because in severe crashes, the feet inside boots are the only thing left to identify soldiers with.

-When you experience a hard landing in bad weather it wasn't because of a lack of pilot skills but it is in fact intentional. If the runway is covered in water the airplane has to touch down hard in order to puncture the water layer and prevent aquaplaning.

-Each of the parts of the plane is manufactured by the lowest bidder to reduce cost.

-Guidelines exist for the amount of screws a plane is allowed to fly without.

-During the descent, the high wind speed can cause the clothes of plane crash victims to come right off.

-Food service on night flights can be delayed until more people fall asleep. Less work for the flight attendants.

-If your plane hits the water and you survive, there's a chance you may succumb to hypothermia, which, in cool waters, can set in in seconds. If you submerge your head completely under water, it could affect your brain functionality.

-On most modern planes the small electronics we're forbidden to use during the flight are quite harmless, but if you could check your email on your phone, what's going to compel you to pay for the $20 for in-flight internet?

-Due to increasing carbon dioxide levels in the ozone, scientists say turbulence on flights is also increasing. By mid-century, it may be up 40% worse than it is now.

-One of the deadliest accidents in airplane history actually occurred prior to take-off. A deadly combination of fog and mixed radio signals from the flight deck caused two planes, carrying over 600 passengers between them, to collide head-on in the middle of a runway in the infamous Tenerife Accident. Over 500 individuals died as a result of this crash.

-Eighty percent of all plane crashes occur either during take-off or landing.

-Airplane technology is so advanced that planes could literally fly themselves. Even though a computer-generated landing would result in a much softer and precise return to earth, airlines don't believe passengers will be happy placing landing in the hands of a computer so pilots, for the time being, are here to stay.

-In the event of a fire, you have approximately 90 seconds to exit the plane before the whole thing is toast. Also, if you sit more than 5 rows away from an exit, statistically you will more than likely not survive.

-When a plane is landing at night, interior lights are dimmed in case you need to evacuate rapidly in the case of an emergency. Your eyes are already adjusted to the darkness so you'll be able to see better as you navigate out.

-Up to 50% of pilots admitted to having fallen asleep at the controls. A third of them have had the experience of waking up only to find their partner had also fallen asleep.

-Airplanes get struck by lightning frequently. On average more than once per year. Fortunately, there are with shields over crucial elements and designs that incorporate ways for currents to stay on the outside of plane, and not on the fry the electronics.

-During a high speed descent, more than likely there will be rapid decompression in the cabin, causing most of the passengers to pass out before the crash.

-You know those life jackets you're supposed to use in the event of an emergency? The ones that are there to save your life? People take them as souvenirs. It's a punishable offense, and while airlines do check each seat at the start of every day, a plane could make several trips, during any one of which a passenger could steal a life vest.

-Sometimes, airlines cut costs by skimping on fuel, forcing planes to take off with less than the recommended amount.

LITERALLY EVERYONE LOVES GIRLS BEING SLUTS

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THE AUDIT

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of audit from the IRS. It really upsets him so he calls his accountant, Saul Meyers.

Myron (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?" Saul (calming): "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you".

Then Myron called his Lawyer, Charlie Steinberg.

His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you".

Now he's torn.

That night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

Rabbi: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe... cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut 'negligee' with the cleavage sticking out - look a little sexy'... and, Myron, I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna get fucked".

ORSM VIDEO: ANGRY AT THE WORLD EDITION


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Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. So seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied "Nope".

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW???"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response "Bert, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yells out "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue" she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert..."

GIRLS WHO CHOOSE TO LET THE MUFF GROW WILD

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ORSM VIDEO

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade... so remember this story the next time...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste". "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump".

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope". "That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful" explained the woman "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well" muttered the hairdresser "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope".

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me".

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"  He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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ORSM VIDEO: FUCKWITS BEHIND THE WHEEL EDITION

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women! No one else can touch them except me! You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession".

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop" says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen" said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

DO MY TITTIES LOOK GOOD IN THIS?

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GIRLS WHO CHOOSE TO LET THE MUFF RUN WILD

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So, there are three golfers, Bob, Max and Ted, who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play" says George "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great" says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. So they're getting ready to leave, George says "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me".

Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well" George says "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed".

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late".

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family". "It was" sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother Syd Reed. I play better than he does but we try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ".

"I seem to recall that" the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it" snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it! The sweetest swing I ever made. And its flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it" admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed" said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either" cried the Sister, anguished "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

SMOKING: wHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT IT?

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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous!

When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied: "No".

ORSM VIDEO


Is that enough? No? Well read on...

-Check out the site archives. They're so old and so huge they qualify for a pension and disability.
-Next update will be next Thursday... unless something catasrophic happens liiiiiike... I'm not feeling well or... I'm a little tired orrr... summink like that.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and you look like an ape. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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