Well here it is. The last week before Christmas
and the closer it gets the more frustrated I start to feel. Don't
ask me why - I can't quite put my finger on it but there is a certain
unsettledness that seems to be looming.
I spent half of Saturday looking for presents
for the parentals only to return empty handed. Problem is that everything
decent costs a shit load. Not much point spending $500 to show
my gratitude for being brought into this world when the sum of gifts
coming back my way probably won't top $50. Think I may pull the
"let's not buy each other anything" routine and find myself
a new toy of some sort.
While I'm on presents here's some trivia - you
guys got me more stuff from my birthday
wishlist than my friends and family did [thanks!]. Not that
I'm bitter about it though - just funny to note I am more appreciated
on the net than I am in the real world!!
Anyways I'll be back at the shops [or as the
yanks call it - the mall] tomorrow feverishly trying to find just
two presents. This is when 'mall rage' can come in to effect. What
the hell is mall rage you ask? It's sort of like road rage except
it's at the shops - the feeling you get when you want to pick someone
up and throw them through the front window of the nearest shop and
then drop an elbow into their chest breaking all their ribs, crushing
their lungs thus causing a slow painful death. This is mostly inspired
- People walking slowly holding everyone up.
- People not walking straight causing you to stop or change directions
- People stopping in the middle of congested thoroughfares suddenly
blocking the flow [the most annoying type].
One day I'll be pushed too far and I'll snap.
Some old granny will come to a messy end due to her lack of courtesy
for other patrons and she'll deserve every hit to the head too.
Oh how I love the Christmas crowds. I
think this best sums up the rest of my thoughts on this merry season.
main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
New Years celebrations are another concern. Things
have changed a bit in the last few years and I find myself wanting
to stay well away from the clubby/rave scene which will no doubt
be filled full of countless cyber-kiddies experiencing their first
New Years on Ecstasy and/or Speed. Glow-sticks, Vicks inhalers,
lolly-pops, stupid teddy bears and reflective shit just fuck me
off and are all well known triggers for 'club rage' [you can figure
that one out for yourselves!].
Let's face it, NYE isn't really that special
a night. You can go out any other weekend when there are way less
people crammed into a pub or club and have way more fun. Don't get
me wrong - I'll be getting fucked up somewhere with something like
everyone else but I don't really see my heart being in it...
Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.
I know I ask you guys for help ALL the
time so hopefully you won't mind if I do it again. As many of you
have noticed the site is getting slower and slower as each week
goes by. This isn't due to shit hosting, it's quite the opposite,
the site is just getting busier. Soloution: add a new server.
Cost is the main concern here so I'm hoping that there's a few of
you out there that'll donate a few bucks to help ease the burden
on me. <link removed>
this link again - if you didn't read it last week then click
here to read why if you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot!
And now for some random other cool shit...
Birdie - Christmas
Scrooge - Aussie
Jingle Bells - Kinky
Christmas - Cadaver
Or Elbow? - Make
Your Own Bush Speech - Ask
Snoop - Camel
Toe The Movie
The Advice Asshole is a happy chappy at the moment.
You guys are keeping him amused with some of life's great mysteries
which ofcourse only he can answer. You
can read them here and you can check out what is probably one
of the best sites on the ENTIRE net right here.
I've added a new bunch of comics to the Comics
section all with a Christmas theme too. Check
the new ones out here.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer
and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old
drunk, of course, the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
Think you guys will like this. Miss
Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova in a tasty lesbian sex romp.
Yes folks there is a God. Check it out at BritneyDoesAnna.com...
Part 2 in the series of Holly
pics and they just keep getting better...!!
Think you're worthy enough to
grace these pages? I'm now looking for more fine women who are interested
in doing something similar for Orsm.net. Here's the deal - you
can show as much or as little as you're comfortable with and you
will get paid. The only catch is that you have to be in
Perth, Western Australia. Simple. If you're vaguely interested or
you know someone who may be, you can get
a hold of me here with any questions or expressions of interest.
Hear from you girls soon!
SANTA DEALS WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's
a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His
workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically
Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole were
alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished,
without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner,
Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. and people had started
to call for the cops when they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his
workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs
and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and
had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions
in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, joined a self-help
group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
that making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather,
nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing
to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of
noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing
that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets... they were bad
for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy
tales, while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better
off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological who
claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone could get
hurt; besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said
to be sexist, and should be passe; and Nintendo would rot your entire
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
he just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry,
tried to be gay, but you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was
needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left
or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
each group of people, every religion; every ethnicity, every hue,
everyone, everywhere... even you. So here is that gift, it's price
beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on
A young family moved into a house next door to
a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot.The young family's 6 year old daughter
naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually
the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they
had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented
her with a pay envelope containing 5 dollars. The little girl took
it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
and suggested that they take the 5 dollars pay she had received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building
a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
"I will if those worthless cock suckers
at the timber yard ever bring us the fuckin' timber we ordered,"
replied the little girl.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in
New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing
- forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?"
the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago
and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced,"
she shouts, "I'll take care of this, "She calls Phoenix
immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't
do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his
wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas
and paying their own way."
At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the
staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit
of playing serious jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet,
they went through his wallet and found his Tatts Lotto Ticket. Then,
they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set
up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if
anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers then proceeded to
read them out aloud, before setting the numbers on the table. The
boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his
wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet
back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers,
Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair
and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you
all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary
for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for
this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I've just won a shit-load
of money, and I'm leaving!"
End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.
The webmasters of the following sites
have all offered a me a nite alone with their virgin sisters so
long as I link to them... so click the damn links quick so I can
get some of that virgin ass...!!
Adults TGP - Sex
Link List - East
Coast Madness - Spy
Erotica - Nerd
Revenge - Verity
Mag - Tiny
Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and
ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. "In honour
of the season", St. Peter says to them, "Before I let
you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me something
that represents Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and
pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them
on. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him. "They're
candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The second man fumbles through his pockets and
pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes
them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks. "They're
bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his
pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers.
He holds them up proudly. "What do they represent?" St.
Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled. "They're Carol's!"
PSYCHOLOGICAL CHRISTMAS SONGS
- Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark
The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House
and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the
Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch
Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting
in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day
of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
A few days after Christmas, a mother working
in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his
new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop
and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop... and all
of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
god dam train 'cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to
go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and
when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want
you to use much nicer language. Two hours later, the son came out
of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train
stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who
are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will
ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to
stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there
is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant
relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed
off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin'
bitch in the kitchen!"
This little girl is in her house
right after Christmas and she is looking out her window on a beautiful
day. Outside all the neighbourhood kids are playing with their new
toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.
can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad I'll be good.
Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.
Dad: (Dad being somewhat of a pervert)
OK, I'll let you go outside on one condition.
Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.
Dad: If you want to go outside you
have to give me a blowjob.
Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget
The girl goes over by the window looks
outside and starts grabbing her hair going crazy wanting to go outside.
She looks over to her dad, then outside, then to her dad then all
of a sudden...
Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.
So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear
and whips out his dick. His daughter grabs it and puts it in her
mouth and starts sucking. then...
Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag,
cough) Dad that tastes like shit.
Dad: Oh, it must be because your
brother borrowed the car in the morning.
Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini
Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini
Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...
but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick,
and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming
to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness
the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of
the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he
found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed
on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where
would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friends is how the little
angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
I have been watching you very closely to see
if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling
my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at
Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of
Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with
VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping
have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have
been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the
gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled
Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit
together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest
you get your asses down to K-Mart before everything is gone.
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was
sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new
bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah."
The cops said, “Well, next year tell Santa
to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to
issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kids said, “Well, next year tell Santa
to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
There were 3 good arguments
that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally
good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally
good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally
good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence
of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for Him to do.
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and
asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her
daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about
2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued
with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced
the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged
and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would
show up again.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk
the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
almost every day. She wasn't unusual, now was the travel bag she
carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were
sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander
off. But occasionally someone would nod yes and there would be a
quick exchange of something for money.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs
and debated calling the police. But since they didn't know for sure
they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks of this,
the wife said "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes
up to people with boom boxes and other electronics? He hadn't and
said so. Then she said "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel
and our big radio and lie on the beach. Let's see if we can find
out what she is really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the
wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talking to her husband. After the girl left, the man walked
back to his wife who asked excitedly "Well, is she selling
drugs?" "No" he answered, enjoying it more than he
probably should have but not going any further.
"Well what is it then?" shrieked
his wife in frustration. "She is a battery salesperson"
answered the husband.
"That's it?" asked the wife.
"Batteries?" "Yup", he answered. "She sells
'C' cells by the sea shore."
TALK ABOUT YOUR HOT SUMMER...
It's so dry that
HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
It's so dry that if the England cricket team wasn't touring
we'd never see ducks.
It's so dry that the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket
It's so dry that we're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke.
It's so dry that you're only permitted to eat watermelon between
8pm and 8am.
It's so dry that the Government has introduced a water pistol
It's so dry that thieves are siphoning off radiators instead
of petrol tanks.
It's so dry I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
It's so dry that Jesus turned the wine into water.
It's so dry that we are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
It's so dry that Philip Ruddock says that when the boat people
their children overboard it was so they could walk to Australia.
It's so dry that everyone is now an expert because you can't
find anyone who is wet behind the ears.
It's so dry that all the bottom of the harbour tax schemes
It's so dry that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
It's so dry that all the Baptists have become Anglicans.
It's so dry my nuts aren't even sweating.
It's so dry that I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
It's so dry that all the dogs are marking their territory
It's so dry that some of the 4WDs in Perth have actually got
dust on them.
It's so dry that Orsm hasn't been away from an aircon for
more than 3 minutes.
UNDER THE BRIDGE
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before
he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver
says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A man and his wife were in a court for their
divorce case. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honour, I brought
the child into the world with all the pain and labour. The child
should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said:
"What do you have to say in your defence?"
The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly
rose. "Your Honour, If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine
and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it - the machine's or mine?"
A Greek couple were in bed on their wedding night.
They were both virgins and they were lying in bed and didn't know
what to do. The husband gets frustrated, so he calls his mother
and she says, "Try getting closer to each other, and then you
will know what to do."
They lay in bed and held each other and nothing
happened. The husband calls his mother again. "Ma, we tried
getting closer but it didn't work."
She says, "Well, this time do it again,
but take your clothes off, and nature will take its course."
So, they got naked, laid on the bed, and held each other. Again,
nothing happened. The husband calls his mother again.
This time, she is very angry and says, "LISTEN,
BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN! PUT YOUR BIGGEST PART IN HER
HAIRIEST PART... THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!!" and she hangs up
Ten minutes later he calls his mother
again and says, "I have my nose in her armpit, now what?"
Part 4 of the sensational and much loved
Paris series. I told you guy's it just gets better and better!!
Part Four -
Well folks that's all for this week and depending
on my mood, maybe for the rest of the year. Huge thankyou to everyone
who has stopped past the site this year and hopefully you all will
return next year. Have a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New
Year! By the way is still unsure what to get me for a present you
here. In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and get
completely messy drunk! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.