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December 2002...
 
orsmupdate 2002.12.18-16.14
it doesnt get any better!

Well here it is. The last week before Christmas and the closer it gets the more frustrated I start to feel. Don't ask me why - I can't quite put my finger on it but there is a certain unsettledness that seems to be looming.

I spent half of Saturday looking for presents for the parentals only to return empty handed. Problem is that everything decent costs a shit load. Not much point spending $500 to show my gratitude for being brought into this world when the sum of gifts coming back my way probably won't top $50. Think I may pull the "let's not buy each other anything" routine and find myself a new toy of some sort.

While I'm on presents here's some trivia - you guys got me more stuff from my birthday wishlist than my friends and family did [thanks!]. Not that I'm bitter about it though - just funny to note I am more appreciated on the net than I am in the real world!!

Anyways I'll be back at the shops [or as the yanks call it - the mall] tomorrow feverishly trying to find just two presents. This is when 'mall rage' can come in to effect. What the hell is mall rage you ask? It's sort of like road rage except it's at the shops - the feeling you get when you want to pick someone up and throw them through the front window of the nearest shop and then drop an elbow into their chest breaking all their ribs, crushing their lungs thus causing a slow painful death. This is mostly inspired by:

- People walking slowly holding everyone up.
- People not walking straight causing you to stop or change directions constantly.
- People stopping in the middle of congested thoroughfares suddenly blocking the flow [the most annoying type].

One day I'll be pushed too far and I'll snap. Some old granny will come to a messy end due to her lack of courtesy for other patrons and she'll deserve every hit to the head too. Oh how I love the Christmas crowds. I think this best sums up the rest of my thoughts on this merry season.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

we all want some christmas pussy

New Years celebrations are another concern. Things have changed a bit in the last few years and I find myself wanting to stay well away from the clubby/rave scene which will no doubt be filled full of countless cyber-kiddies experiencing their first New Years on Ecstasy and/or Speed. Glow-sticks, Vicks inhalers, lolly-pops, stupid teddy bears and reflective shit just fuck me off and are all well known triggers for 'club rage' [you can figure that one out for yourselves!].

Let's face it, NYE isn't really that special a night. You can go out any other weekend when there are way less people crammed into a pub or club and have way more fun. Don't get me wrong - I'll be getting fucked up somewhere with something like everyone else but I don't really see my heart being in it...

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.

NEW SERVER
I know I ask you guys for help ALL the time so hopefully you won't mind if I do it again. As many of you have noticed the site is getting slower and slower as each week goes by. This isn't due to shit hosting, it's quite the opposite, the site is just getting busier. Soloution: add a new server. Cost is the main concern here so I'm hoping that there's a few of you out there that'll donate a few bucks to help ease the burden on me. <link removed>

I'm reposting this link again - if you didn't read it last week then click here to read why if you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot! And now for some random other cool shit...

Cheeky Birdie - Christmas Scrooge - Aussie Jingle Bells - Kinky Christmas - Cadaver Inc

Arse Or Elbow? - Make Your Own Bush Speech - Ask Snoop - Camel Toe The Movie

The Advice Asshole is a happy chappy at the moment. You guys are keeping him amused with some of life's great mysteries which ofcourse only he can answer. You can read them here and you can check out what is probably one of the best sites on the ENTIRE net right here.

I've added a new bunch of comics to the Comics section all with a Christmas theme too. Check the new ones out here.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

Think you guys will like this. Miss Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova in a tasty lesbian sex romp. Yes folks there is a God. Check it out at BritneyDoesAnna.com...

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HOLLY
Part 2 in the series of Holly pics and they just keep getting better...!!

click here for more

Think you're worthy enough to grace these pages? I'm now looking for more fine women who are interested in doing something similar for Orsm.net. Here's the deal - you can show as much or as little as you're comfortable with and you will get paid. The only catch is that you have to be in Perth, Western Australia. Simple. If you're vaguely interested or you know someone who may be, you can get a hold of me here with any questions or expressions of interest. Hear from you girls soon!

SANTA DEALS WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh; the ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. and people had started to call for the cops when they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion that making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt; besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; he just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, but you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, each group of people, every religion; every ethnicity, every hue, everyone, everywhere... even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

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LINGO

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 5 dollars. The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the 5 dollars pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those worthless cock suckers at the timber yard ever bring us the fuckin' timber we ordered," replied the little girl.

click here for more

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this, "She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

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RESIGNATION

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tatts Lotto Ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers then proceeded to read them out aloud, before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!"

End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.

ORSM VIDEO

LINKAGE
The webmasters of the following sites have all offered a me a nite alone with their virgin sisters so long as I link to them... so click the damn links quick so I can get some of that virgin ass...!!

Only Adults TGP - Sex Link List - East Coast Madness - Spy Erotica - Nerd Revenge - Verity Mag - Tiny Life

CAROLS

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. "In honour of the season", St. Peter says to them, "Before I let you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him. "They're candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks. "They're bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled. "They're Carol's!"

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PSYCHOLOGICAL CHRISTMAS SONGS

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

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LITTLE JOHNNY

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop... and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the god dam train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language. Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

This little girl is in her house right after Christmas and she is looking out her window on a beautiful day. Outside all the neighbourhood kids are playing with their new toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.

Dad: You can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad I'll be good.
Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.
Dad: (Dad being somewhat of a pervert) OK, I'll let you go outside on one condition.
Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.
Dad: If you want to go outside you have to give me a blowjob.
Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget it.

The girl goes over by the window looks outside and starts grabbing her hair going crazy wanting to go outside. She looks over to her dad, then outside, then to her dad then all of a sudden...

Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.

So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear and whips out his dick. His daughter grabs it and puts it in her mouth and starts sucking. then...

Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag, cough) Dad that tastes like shit.
Dad: Oh, it must be because your brother borrowed the car in the morning.

Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini

Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini - Bikini

SANTA'S STRESS

Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!

click here for more

ULTIMATE GETAWAY
Doubt there will be to many people disagreeing that this place looks like one of the coolest places to stay...

Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel

Beach Hotel - Beach Hotel

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to K-Mart before everything is gone.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah."

The cops said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kids said, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

click here for more

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JESUS CHRIST

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

click here for more

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

click here for more

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, now was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod yes and there would be a quick exchange of something for money.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police. But since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks of this, the wife said "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronics? He hadn't and said so. Then she said "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and lie on the beach. Let's see if we can find out what she is really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talking to her husband. After the girl left, the man walked back to his wife who asked excitedly "Well, is she selling drugs?" "No" he answered, enjoying it more than he probably should have but not going any further.

"Well what is it then?" shrieked his wife in frustration. "She is a battery salesperson" answered the husband.

"That's it?" asked the wife. "Batteries?" "Yup", he answered. "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."

TALK ABOUT YOUR HOT SUMMER...

It's so dry that HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
It's so dry that if the England cricket team wasn't touring we'd never see ducks.
It's so dry that the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It's so dry that we're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke.
It's so dry that you're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It's so dry that the Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
It's so dry that thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
It's so dry I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
It's so dry that Jesus turned the wine into water.
It's so dry that we are having to hand feed the rocking horse.
It's so dry that Philip Ruddock says that when the boat people threw
their children overboard it was so they could walk to Australia.
It's so dry that everyone is now an expert because you can't find anyone who is wet behind the ears.
It's so dry that all the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
It's so dry that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
It's so dry that all the Baptists have become Anglicans.
It's so dry my nuts aren't even sweating.
It's so dry that I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
It's so dry that all the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
It's so dry that some of the 4WDs in Perth have actually got dust on them.
It's so dry that Orsm hasn't been away from an aircon for more than 3 minutes.

Click for more awesomeness

UNDER THE BRIDGE

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

RANDOM SHITE

Random Shite... the kind of shite poo mountains are made of... Random Shite Viewer can be found here.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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LOGIC

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labour. The child should be in my custody."

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to say in your defence?"

The man sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose. "Your Honour, If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it - the machine's or mine?"

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A Greek couple were in bed on their wedding night. They were both virgins and they were lying in bed and didn't know what to do. The husband gets frustrated, so he calls his mother and she says, "Try getting closer to each other, and then you will know what to do."

They lay in bed and held each other and nothing happened. The husband calls his mother again. "Ma, we tried getting closer but it didn't work."

She says, "Well, this time do it again, but take your clothes off, and nature will take its course." So, they got naked, laid on the bed, and held each other. Again, nothing happened. The husband calls his mother again.

This time, she is very angry and says, "LISTEN, BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN! PUT YOUR BIGGEST PART IN HER HAIRIEST PART... THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!!!" and she hangs up on him.

Ten minutes later he calls his mother again and says, "I have my nose in her armpit, now what?"

click here for more

ORSM VIDEO

Part 4 of the sensational and much loved Paris series. I told you guy's it just gets better and better!!

- Paris: Part Four -

Well folks that's all for this week and depending on my mood, maybe for the rest of the year. Huge thankyou to everyone who has stopped past the site this year and hopefully you all will return next year. Have a Merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year! By the way is still unsure what to get me for a present you can check here. In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and get completely messy drunk! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.12.12-9.48

I can't believe it's December already and I'll be fucked if I can figure out where it's all gone. Christmas and New Years 2001 is as fresh in my mind as yesterday is. Does it all go this quick the older you get? I remember being in primary school wishing like crazy for that one magical day in December to hurry up and get here so I could open all my presents... now I sit here dreading the festive season hoping that this years Chrissy celebrations don't end up as demented as last years. I just come to hate Christmas.

It's actually been a relatively busy/interesting/productive 12 months. I managed to rebuild the site from the ground up, get kicked off a couple of hosts and let's not forget all the fun with our friends at MasterCard. As far as rewarding goes - [and excuse me if this sounds like gloating] visitors to the site have increased over 300% since last December. Absolutely amazing.

Off the net there were a few big changes too. First was moving out of home - away from the nest in which I spent 20 years of my life. Not that big a deal really - everyone does it at some point but it felt like a huge step at the time. Looking back though, it was probably the best decision I've ever made. I also took the plunge and quit school to work on the site full-time too. That was pretty much inevitable - it was just a matter of timing and I it looks like it was a good call.

I've cleaned up my act a bit in that time too. I'm not as lazy as I used to be, I've managed to break some bad habits and even muster some sort of direction. Never thought it would happen but this must be what they call 'maturing'. Anyways, all in all it's been a pretty good year - fingers crossed next year is the same.

Last update I made mention of finally having done something that I have been meaning to get out of the way for ages now. A few of you guys were clued in enough to put two and two together and figure out that I was referring to FINALLY having done the long-awaited Holly shoot. Woohoo. I honestly had every intention of doing this way earlier in the year but just the way everything panned out I never had the time to sit down and work it all out.

For the Perth-ites, we did the shoot at Swanbourne Beach last Thursday in the late afternoon on the same day that the big thunderstorm was meant to come through. I almost pulled the pin because I didn't think the weather was going to hold out. Thank fuck it did and I'm sure you guys will agree the pics came out sweetly. Huge thankyou to the 2 gentlemen who photographed the shoot too! We took a shit load of them so I'll post them all over the next few weeks. Scroll down a bit to find the first lot.

Any Cloud 10 fans out there? Never heard of Cloud 10? Well now would be a good time to cruise on over and check out Mike's work. He's just launched the all new Cloud 10 Comedy show and Episode 1 is screening now. Don't go thinking this is just a two second clip with some dude telling a quick joke, this is the real deal - half and hour of the finest comedy and it's all free so make sure you head over and show Mike you appreciate his hard work! Check it out here.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.

The poor neglected Advice Asshole writes again. Read his latest cutting edge advice right here. If you've got a problem you need solved then drop him a line right here.

Thinking about drink driving this festive season? Sure, great idea at the time but how would if you did this to someone?

Last weeks email from kidfromkor seemingly upset a few people. I got a shit load of responses from people, some of which can be found here. If you ask me, it's a shame when anyone gets run over by a tank but how the fuck could you not hear it coming and get the fuck outta the way?

The ultimate in bachelor party pranks. The Pube-Beard! I'd kill someone if they did it to me...

Think you guys will like this. Miss Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova in a tasty lesbian sex romp. Yes folks there is a God. Check it out at BritneyDoesAnna.com.

Delectable Baby - Christian Extremist - All Aussie's Are Whingers - KABOOM! Suicide Bombing

Catch Michael Jacksons Baby - The Mr Ed Barber Shop Quartet - Full Metal Jacket Sound Board - Titties & Beer

Drunkenness - Sobering Up - The Hang Over

Cum Fiesta... does it get any better? Time to get on with the update me thinks and first up is the Holly pics...

Think you're worthy enough to grace these pages? I'm now looking for more fine women who are interested in doing something similar for Orsm.net. Here's the deal - you can show as much or as little as you're comfortable with and you will get paid. The only catch is that you have to be in Perth, Western Australia. Simple. If you're vaguely interested or you know someone who may be, you can get a hold of me here and with any questions or expressions of interest.

TALE OF A BMW DRIVER

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 176 km/h enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120 km/h. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence?

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!

BIKINI BABES
In the spirit of Summer I think it's necessary to do my bit and acknowledge it. Not only to rub it in the faces of you guys who are lavishing in an icy winter right now but to show remins us Australians what's coming up in the next 3 months or so...

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PRAWN AGAIN

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

A young blond decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I!"

ORSM VIDEO

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chilli, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

READER MAIL

Mike wrote:
Subject: ex pics

These are som pics of my ex... she started screwing around on me 3 years into a 5 year relationship. got lots more if you want em.

Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris

Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris - Cris

Gareth Coakley wrote:
Subject: New Zealanders can beat Aussies any day!!

Im writing to say two things (well acctually maybe more) this has to be the best site on the net well that I've found so far. It has a mis between mint chics and funny jokes, just great mate. Now my second point everyone is always raving on about how good Aussies are at sport. Name the last time you got one over us kiwi's, well I can't think of any. In the rugby it was one each (not including league maybe you got us there.)Then we go back to 2001/2002 cricket where we went over to Aus to take you guys on in some cricket and we defiently got one over you there. We were unlucky not to take the test series but absolutly thumped you in the VB series.

Well enough from me I thought i just had better show you that Aussies arent as good as you think you are.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Here's the way it ACTUALLY works. All the games, races, competions, events, Olympics etc that we lose, we lose deliberately. We cottoned on to this roughly 200 years ago after we realised that if the rest of the world noticed that Aussies 'did it better' we'd have every man and his dog wanting to emigrate here... then there'd be all sorts of over population problems we'd have to deal with. True story. So next time you see an Aussie lose something - just remember it was deliberate.

ME MATE MIDGE

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks "I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

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PASTOR FLAPPS

Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small northern town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman." Mrs Fitzgerald" he said sternly." This is no place for a member of my congregation, why don't you let me take you home?"."

Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth.

The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hitched up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here buddy we don't allow any of that behaviour in this bar!"

The reverend looked up and said "But you don't understand I'm Pastor Flapps". The bartender nodded and said "Oh well if you're that far in you might as well finish her off!"

LINKAGE

Only Adults - Salpars - Booze Bar - Sweet Shia - Fender Mustang - Twelve Fifteen - Spy Erotica - Spaff

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

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During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table. The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

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MARRIAGE

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says: "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies: "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies: "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit & live there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin: "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies: "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says: "Well Johnny, it seems like you have planned & got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

"What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says: "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church.

"Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"



RANDOM SHITE
Ah the sweet sweet smell of shite... it doesn't get any fresher than this either! Random Shite Viewer can be found here.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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SWEET REVENGE

Jane, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

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ORSM VIDEO

Part Three of the Parisian Lesbian series. You guys loving this or what? It only gets better so shut the fuck up and enjoy...

- Paris: Part Three -

Well that's it for me for another week. I hope I've gone some way towards entertaining you for at least a little while... if not try something else! In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and make sure you sign up for the god damn Orsm.net Newsletter [and hope I actually do send one out again soon!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2002.12.06-19.50
finally...

It's been a pretty bloody busy week and as you guys may well have noticed an update was lacking. As usual I have a plethora of excuses at the ready so here goes...

Firstly, I think it's safe to say that at this time of the year everything goes completely mental. Everyone is trying to get shit out of the way before Christmas and even though I don't have a boss or customers to answer to I still gotta keep up. Basically I've been working my ass off getting shit around the site sorted so I can cut the work load down to a minimum and relax over the Christmas break.

Secondly, I finally did something that I have been trying to get out of the way for absolutely ages. When I say ages I'm talking a year or so. Anyways, I am going to leave it up to you guy's to figure out what I'm on about but for the more cluey amongst you the image to your right may help. There'll be a whole lot more on that next update though and I guarantee smiling faces.

I'm also still spending a good portion of my waking hours chasing after my pup. I've lost count of how many times I have had to mop floors or clean mats and rugs in the last 3 weeks but it's well past a shit load. Toilet training still hasn't been mastered but things are improving nonetheless.

I finally managed to see the Attack Of The Clones last weekend. I'd heard it was good but fuck me - the special effects were fuckin amazing. Well worth seeing it if you haven't yet. While I am on the subject, do not waste your time with Panic Room. Two hours of Jodie Foster's saggy boobs and excessive over-acting is more than any normal person should be subjected to.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.

ATTENTION FUCK FACE: whoever it was that broke into my car last nite - I honestly hope you die a slow painful death. Sure I may not have locked the car properly but on the other hand you really didn't get fuck all because I don't leave anything in there worth stealing. Suck a dick, bitch.

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Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father working in a gay strip club?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say."

COMMODORE HATCH

A squillion of you asked for a bigger version and info on the chick in the picture from the top of last update. Here is a bigger pic of her but beyond that I have no idea who she is... so stop asking!

One of the greatest sites ever to grace the internet can be found here. And on that note I'm outta here. Until next time have a good weekend, stay off the chems and sign up for the Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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