orsm.net
Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
orsmsite
orsmstuff
orsmstuff
moreorsmness


Click for more awesomeness

December 2007...
 
orsmupdate 2007.12.20-23.58

Welcome to Orsm.net. So this is Christmas...

WANTED: Programmer & Designer to rebuild this entire website from the backend up. Must be forward thinking, able to work unsupervised, work to a schedule and be proficient in PHP, MYSQL, CSS, Flash, SEO and associated technologies. Design companies welcome but no outsourcing. Please send resumes and portfolios here for contact in the New Year.

God damn here we are! I thought the end to my work year would never come but it has and this day has been glee-filled in anticipation. All that remains is a few hours of running around tomorrow and I'm done and dusted until January. No more long hours at the computer, no more updates... just Christmas, socialising and relaxing. It's already been worth the wait.

Talking of Christmas, I've found myself finishing emails lately with a very neutral and inoffensive 'Happy Holidays' until it occurred to me that I was being a complete fucking hypocrite.

Every year more and more we see stupid-arse politically correct crap ruining Christmas - Santa not allowed to 'Ho', Nativity Scenes banned, Christmas Carols cancelled at schools. All for the sake of not offending people who don't believe in Christmas. So from now on if they have a problem with it - too fucking bad! I aint going to pander. Every email, every conversation, every acknowledgement is going to contain those two words - MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I don't want to get all preachy and high horse but I'm getting fucked off with retards that drink and drive. It strikes me as one of the most selfish things a person can do and the road toll can attest to that. 226 people dead on West Australian roads this year, currently 34 more than 2006 and another 20 expected to go before the year is out. Okay not all of them are alcohol related but its fucking disturbing and makes me wonder how long before some moron wipes out someone I know.

The cops set up a booze bus not far from my place on Friday night breath testing drivers going in both directions. How many cars do you think they had stopped? And I don't mean the ones that were tested... I mean the ones that were pulled aside for a secondary test - at least 25! It's not even that busy a road either! I don't claim to be an angel driver, I've done plenty of stupid shit, but honestly its 2007 - how could anyone not know better by now?

'No Hawkers, Collectors or Religious Groups'. That's the sticker on my front door. The last owners put it on and I never saw the point in removing it. It's big, blue and has bold yellow lettering. Impossible to miss but 100% totally ineffective. Why? Because the hawkers, collectors and religious groups all choose to knock anyway. Like the guy collecting for the disabled spastics or whoever the fuck. He was looking for 'donations' and seemed genuinely offended when I told him I had a $50 note and a $5 note and he was getting the $5. "I'll take the $50." "No. You won't."

And let's not forget the people from Save the Children. Nice guys. They really were. But after five minutes of being told I could visit the kids in the villages I had to interject and ask what he was trying to sell me. Five minutes later I still had no idea but apparently if I want to visit kids in villages I can. Phew... up until now I was worried I couldn't. interestingly enough they thought my sticker was pretty funny... go figure.

Moving on... is everyone looking forward to Christmas Day? I'm in two minds at the moment - it'll be great to catch up with my cousins and spend some QT heckling my aunties but with the forecast for 38°C [100°F] I can't think of a worse thing than sitting down to a banquet of various meats, seafood and potatoes. It is only half bad though... we had a dinner thing on Sunday which took care of one side of the family so once lunch is over, Christmas is over.

As for Christmas shopping... Target, Big W, Myer, David Jones, K-mart... if I never have to go back to any of those places ever again I'm cool with that. Did make a pretty good dent in it last weekend though. Still need to find a few more things but I'll be surprised if I can't get everything done by Saturday or Sunday at the latest and have some time to spare.

I'm running out of space here so I just want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who've supported Orsm.net this year! You guys rock my world every single day so thank you to everyone who has contributed, told their friends or just surfed on by.

Okay enough crapping on about crap. If you're new to these parts then you couldn't have picked a better time to surf Orsm because this is the biggest, baddest, most insane update EVER! I kid you not - it's stuffed fuller than a junkies crack pipe, bigger than my friend Rays ego, and longer than my massive cock so make sure you click every link because there's Easter Egg's stashed everywhere! Check it...

You say you want to be my friend but you still haven't added me as one on FaceBook. Why do hurt me so? Why? ANYWAY... if you want to befriend me then click here to make it happen and don't forget to join the Orsm group!

As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

2007 Classics - Addictive! - Guitar Fags - Public Porn - Cam Godess - Ghetto Skanks - Topless Wii - Pageant Slut

Ownage - Rednecking - Azn Jubblies - Wow Brianna - Spectacular - Drunk Moron - Whoriental - FreakFest - Wrecked

Luna 10/10 - Breastacular - Xmas Babes - Nasty Tara - Aisleyne - Sicko - Simpsons 300 - Great Ass - Tasty Teen

More updates to Chicks & Stuff! Get them while they're hot: 40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46

Click for more awesomeness

One evening, in a busy lounge in the Deep South, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here!"
--
It's the day before Christmas and Darth says to Luke "I know what you're getting me. I felt your presents".
--
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
--
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
--
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

ORSM VIDEO

MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS JOKE

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

click here for more

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Three men died on Christmas Eve in an accident following a wild Office Party and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on."It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

click here for more

A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”

The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”

As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

ORSM VIDEO

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Before you get stuck into this weeks RM I implore you to check the latest Overflow - it is absolutely freaking massive! Matter of fact it's so big I've received several warnings from Work Safe who seem to have concerns that people won't be able to handle all the cool shit contained with in. Clickety-click here to find out for yourself but please keep your arms and legs clear at all times.

If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen

Ghulam-e-Muhammad wrote:
Subject: Warning
Dear mr. Bastard, For the past couple of weeks, i am seeing certain contents on ur site related to jokes about our prophet Muhammad (pbuh) which is making me extremly offended and i think you should stop it right now. Islam is a religion of peace and we wana spread peace for everyone, except for the ones who want themselves to be in pieces. And you are trying to do the same with this cheap content on your site. So take it as a warning and stop it write now. Regards.

A warning huh? Dude, from me to you - please suck my cock Merry Christmas. -Orsm

Willem wrote:
Subject: TRANSITION
Hey, Orsm dude. Could u tell us fat fucks more about the guy who slimmed down in those pics you published? Damn, he went from a blob to a well-built chappy and I'd like to know more about his story..... all in a non-homo way, of course!

Anyone? Email me. -Orsm

Chinco wrote:
Subject: You posted TRANNY pics  
I love the series of beautiful women you post.... normally. I opened this week's section (titled certified hotness with chloe dior) expecting more of the same. And it was good, at least until i got to noticing how masculine her hands were. I'd never seen a woman with such wide fingers and such noticable veins. Then looking at her vagina I noticed they looked like ball sack skin and just got disgusted. Next time, please warn if you're posting post-op tranny pics so i don't get boners ruined.

Say what you will - you'd still slam her her like an old alarm clock. -Orsm

Some Kiwi Guy wrote:
Subject: What would you do?
ONE MORNING YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM RIGHT ABOVE YOUR HEAD YOU SEE THIS ... What will you do????!!!!!!!

Cheers for the nightmares about spiders. -Orsm

click to enlarge
mike wrote:
Subject: Another reason to stay in school
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Wal-Mart Employee: Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?
Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.
Wal-Mart Employee: What you want on the cake?
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ankle surgery
I love your site. One of the best on the net. Here is a picture of my ankle after surgery. I had to have seven screws and a plate put in. I thought you might like it. Please leave out my info if you post this. Thank you.
click to enlarge
Martin wrote:
Subject: My Bike accident
Hi Orsm, About 5 months ago I had a nasty bike accident, I was riding a CBR1000 and going a bit fast. I ended up on life support for a month, had my spleen and a kidney removed along with a load of other injuries. Anyway, I'm better now and would like to shire some pics from my operation with you all...
click to enlarge click to enlarge

j.n wrote:
Subject: cock o clock
big sex weekend. special times. hide my email. cheers

No one ask this guy for the time. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Charles wrote:
Subject: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WITH SPEED
Dear Orsm. Some pics of a Container Forklift in RSA driving to fast and fell over. Hate to know what cargo looked like afterwards.
click for gallery
John wrote:
Subject: BMW vs Deer
Deer season in Germany. Processed and cooked at 140 mph!! To all you deer hunters out there. How do you pack a 140 pound deer into a BMW convertible?
click for gallery
Anne-oying wrote:
Subject: is this true?
Everyone, these thongs are available at selected Coles stores in Sydney and most $2.00 Shops or Reject Stores in Melbourne! This is very true. I heard it from one of our local radio stations here that the Australian government has to be extra careful on these cheap imports from China especially clothes, because the Chinese are using some strong but cheap chemical in their manufacturing plants. Cheap is expensive and at the same time could be fatal.
click for gallery
Tearlach Andraius wrote:
Subject: My ex partner
Mr Orsm, have these pictures of my ex sucking cock - though everyone out there in ORSM land would enjoy them. Please hide my email - plenty more if you want them.
click for gallery
Brian wrote:
Subject: In Memory.(Anzacs).
I am fully aware of respect for those that have served, and still serve their country. This "Dog and Trailer Combination Rig was commissioned by the owner's wife, whose Grandfather's image is on each door, when he was a very young Australian and New Zealand Army Corps ( A.N.Z.A.C.) soldier in WW1. All the original ANZAC's are gone now, but their deeds and memory are legend. The other scenes relate to WW11, Korea and Vietnam. This Rig is in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. It is NOT a 'show-pony', it is an everyday working rig. It's named 'REMEMBERANCE', as can be seen on the sun visor above the windscreen. Our Veterans and current serving members are, at last, being accorded the recognition and respect that for too long, has been shamefully lacking. Stuart G., Sgt, Royal Australian Air Force. (Retd)
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some skank
Hi dude, Love your site. If found a camera at the airport and thought I would share some of the pics on it with you. Hope everyone enjoys. Please do not publish my details.
click for gallery
Sauso wrote:
Subject: Domino's Prank Call
Hey Mr Orsm! Big fan of your site, look forward to the updates each week blah blah wank wank ass kiss. Thought you might find this interesting, was bored at work so i hooked up my phone to my pc and made a prank call to dominos with the Jack Black soundboard. Made me almost piss myself and the dumb bitch fell for it hook line and sinker. until next time, stay choice!
click to watch video

Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Can you answer this? This will drive you nuts...
There are 7 girls on a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats
Question: How many legs are there in the bus? The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet. If you open it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it.

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some phone porn
hey mr orsm found this on my friends phone thought you might like to share it with the world two dirty skanks from northern ireland please withold my details
click to watch video

Sami wrote:
Subject: rotto
Apparently this web cam was setup underwater in Cathedral Bay just off Rotto Island for a marine studdie only a few weeks ago. Awesome! Not

Its like he's just out for a walk... -Orsm

click to watch video
Terry wrote:
Subject: Silent Drill Team
Be sure to watch past the 3 minute mark when it goes from fantastic to spectacular: Here's a performance of the US Marine Drill Team at a recent Denver Nuggets Basketball game. It almost makes your hair stand on end. For those of you who have spent some time in the Military ... this Platoon performance makes you almost want to cry .... knowing the discipline and practice time it takes to execute a military drill with arms routine flawlessly.
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

Dear Wishee,
 
Holiday Greetings 

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on her advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy act).

ORSM VIDEO

Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

click here for more

CHRISTMAS CHANGES

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.

8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

RANDOM SHITE
I went skitz with this weeks RS. Why? Because I can! Its substantially bigger than usual so make sure you keep clicking through. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - More >>

click here for more

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins piling presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

click here for more

THINGS YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING ONLY AT CHRISTMAS

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

Click for more awesomeness

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Lego instead. Santa

Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Barbie dream house it is! Santa

Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Yukon Jack. Santa

Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa: I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.... again! Santa

Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

click here for more

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex.  Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills.  He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.  That night, they make love for one hour.  The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.  "Oh, my God.  I can't believe how well that worked,"  she thinks to herself.  That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.  The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.  A little boy answers the phone.  Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's... who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago.  Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says.  "Let me tell you - Mum's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.'"

click here for more

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg but Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of ic cream and lollies etc, if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mum asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. She began offering bribes if Wilbert would only tell her what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little cunt, if you don't climb your ass the hell the fuck off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the living crap out of you!'"

MORE RANDOM SHITE
No I haven't fucked up... RS gets the double dose! See if you can guess why again!? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - More >>

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

A NEW CONTRACT FOR SANTA

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" and you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

ORSM VIDEO

Click for more awesomeness

Well girls and boys that's it for 2007. 50 updates, tonnes of porn, heaps of videos, countless jokes, endless Random Shite, reams of reader mail and a partridge in a pair tree. I hope you guys loved surfing it as I did gluing it all together. And with that...

- Check out the site archives. They cover every Orsm update for the last 598 years.
- Next update will not be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Santa won't bring you any presents.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, hit the chems like a mofo and have a see you all in 2008! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Feliz Navidad y Feliz Año Nuevo!
Frohe Weihnachten Und Frohes Neues!
عيد الميلاد وعيد رأس السنة
聖誕快樂,新年快樂
Joyeuses fêtes de fin d'année
Καλα Χριστουγεννα και Ευτυχισμενο το Νεο Ετος
Buon Natale e felice anno nuovo
メリークリスマスと新年の幸せ
메리 크리스마스와 행복한 새해
Feliz Natal e Feliz Ano Novo
С Рождеством и счастливого нового года

 
orsmupdate 2007.12.13-23.53
She's waiting for you at Fling

Welcome to Orsm.net. You told me to use any tactic that works, never to commit yourself to one style, to keep an open mind!

Don't ask me why but I'm having a fucking great week. You see this smile? Do ya? That's what happens when all is well in the kingdom.

I'm happy to report that my pooch came home last Friday after week at the vets. They never worked out what caused her to get sick except to say "she ingested something toxic". As it stands now you would never know anything had ever been wrong with her but for the shaven patches on her forearms where they stuck needles in.

Who else hasn't begun to think about Christmas shopping yet? I haven't even made a start which is interesting considering 12 months ago I swore I'd be done well ahead of time. Am I retarded? Good chance. Every fucking December, every fucking year, I get engrossed doing my own shit and don't even come close to making a start until the death knock. The funny thing is cant seem to break the habit. Have a look back through all the December archives and it's the same deal over and over.

I did finally manage to bring some change to the way my family does presents though. It's always been that we have to buy something for parents, siblings, cousins, neighbours, pets, friends, etc, yadda, so on, et al. Drives me absolutely fucking insane. Forget having to spend countless hours wrapping [which I suck at], umpteen hours thinking what to get people, innumerous hours going shop to shop to frickin' shop AND the next three months paying off the plastic fantastic... the part that most perturbs me are the Christmas crowds. In other words - ALL YOU BASTARDS! Don't get me wrong, I'm a mostly placid guy but expose me to the traffic and the people and the crowds and pretty soon I start thinking violent, anti-social thoughts. There's a lot to be said for the genius which is eBay at times like this but I've probably left my run a bit late.

My little idea for change is one I've pushed for over the last couple of years and one that most sensible/reasonable/normal people do once they get past twelve years old - everyone picks a name out of a hat and buys a present for that person only. And that's it. What could be easier!? As it is we're so far away from what giving presents is all about I don't see the point of putting ourselves through it so this way everyone wins.

Christmas Day was the next big hurdle to overcome but we now, and some may say surprisingly, have that sorted - lunch at mother dearest's side of the family from 1pm. That should be all over by 4ish and from there the day is my own to relax and consume beer with friends both long lost and neglected. Should be a standout day compared to years gone by.

On to my weekend past which was another freakishly busy one. I spent a little while setting up this patio misting thing I came across. Basically its just flexible tubing with mist nozzles every couple of feet that runs around the outside of the patio connected to mains water. The idea is to cool the air on really hot days as it vaporises. Pretty smart idea - I just need a stinking hot one to test it properly.

From there it was back to house painting followed by a quick trip to do some groceries and then home to wash my filthy car. Had a friends Christmas party that night with a 'Ho Ho Ho' theme which meant dressing as something festive or as a Ho. Let me just say if you are going to have a costume party its well worth going with a 'Ho' theme. Everywhere I looked were hot chicks dressed like -you guessed it- Ho's. Sensational.

Got painting again as soon as I managed to rise from the dead Sunday. The good news [as far as I'm concerned] is I finally finished everything from the list I made a couple of months back. Yeah there is still plenty to be done but no reason it can't wait a few weeks. The big stuff is done and the place looks bloody great too... well not great... 'better' is probably a more apt way to describe it. Now I just need to turn my attention to the garden and I'll be fucking chuffed.

Well I could probably continue on with my dribblation but the 2-3 of you who actually bothered to read my blog are likely itching to get stuck into the update. It's a fucking ripper too... and I know this because it was good fun sticking it all together - always a good sign! Anyway check it...

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Tonguing - An Xmas Tale - Fake-gasms - Hottest Camgirls - Fisticuff Fun - Unfknblvbl - Black Barbie - Stabbing

Teen Tips - Chloe Christmas - Surely Not - Ginormous Fagina - Perfectionism - Ebony Anal - Pussy War - Virgin Pussy

Anne Heche Lez - Death Wish - Dirty Talk - M16 Backfire - HOT Brunette - Badie Hawn - Tara Rubs - Ass Shaka

Chicks & Stuff has been updated! If you didn't know - C&S is where you can surf through all the galleries that have been posted in weekly updates. Hopefully this lot should keep you guys going for a while: 34 - 35 - 36 - 37 - 38 - 39

Click for more awesomeness

MEDIA RELEASE 13/12/2007: In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough indigenous and Asian peoples appearing on TV, ABC Television have decided that in future 'Crimestoppers' will be shown TWICE weekly.
--
I bought a teddy bear yesterday for $10. I named him Mohammed. Last night I sold him for $30. My question is, have I made a prophet?
--
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 20 minutes slow."

click here for more

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

TALE OF A BMW DRIVER

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 176 km/h enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120 km/h. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence?

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!

click here for more

These young boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into the room and shakes his head disapprovingly. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother.

"Come with me, "he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to the younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
The Overflow is back again this week. Why? Because there's still a mountain of unposted Reader Mail that needs to be seen! You can find this weeks Overflow here and prepare for a fucking humungous Overflow next week!

If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

JMF wrote:
Subject: RE: KRUDD - on the news this morning.
Dear Mr ORSM, I don't want to turn this into a rant, but I do want to clear a few things up about the Australian economy. For all those interested, high interest rates are caused by an over-heated economy. As people spend more and more money, more money needs to be printed - this is inflation. High inflation is a bad thing and over the past year in particular, Australia's inflation has been above the Reserve Bank's comfort level. [continues >>]
Megan wrote:
Subject: Kevin Rudd whingers
To everyone who's having a whinge cause the cost of living will go up in response to the government's decision to ratify Kyoto: can't you see how fucking selfish you're being? Yeah I think it's a great idea to keep killing the environment, and to keep industries pumping out shit into the atmosphere and keep raping our land until we've got nothing left. You don't need that new iPod or flat-screen TV or fancy car. We live in a throw-away society hell-bent on consumerism and greed. Howard was not interested in the least in addressing climate change, all he was interested in was the economy. Who bloody well cares if the cost of living goes up because we're taking steps to save the environment? It's the most important thing we have. If Howard was still in power we'd be getting richer and richer at the expense of the health of our environment. All we're gonna end up with is wads of cash and no natural resources, if people keep thinking that way. Jesus, wake up.
Tomas wrote:
Subject: Political Statements
Seeing as how you cannot control your disgust at the election outcome, perhaps you could start referring to our new head of state using his correct title. KRudd. He he. I too am appalled by the unwashed masses who believe they'll get something for nothing and vote Labor. In Qld, experiencing much the same boom times as WA, the Labor government is so inept at running a budget that they are increasing stamp duty on cars and re-introducing annual liquor licenses. Fucking hopeless.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: teddy bear
Dear ORSM, Please keep my details private as I dont want any idiotic muther fuckers putting a Jihad on me. In retaliation against the sudanese government I have renamed my penis Mohammed, Tonight as a special protest I will be giving him 40 strokes.
Dave wrote:
Subject: Gillian Gibbons Affair
I Thought you might like to know that since the unfortunate occurrence regarding the naming of a Teddy bear that upset the Sudanese people, Sooty has since cancelled his forthcoming tour of Jamaica. Orsm site man, just show me as anonymous Brit.
RICK wrote:
Subject: Car Safe
Howdy. Long time visitor, First time posting. Heres a little pic i took of the safest car park in my area...LoL. please keep my email address private cheers
click to enlarge
Fletch wrote:
Subject ORSM PLATE
Big fan of your work so when I saw this number plate at a local service station I thought of your site immediately. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
click to enlarge

Vinny wrote:
Subject: Peepy
This guy annoys the piss out of me and I suspect him of being a peeping tom. So I just thought I would share with the orsm world What he does in his free time.

Peeping Tom or not that is just creepy. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Bobby wrote:
Subject: Redneck Hunter
How To Spot A Redneck Hunter With A DUI Conviction??? There aren't a thousand words that could replace this picture ...
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Submitting
Long time reader, first time submitter. Love the site. It fucking rocks. Here are some pics that were sent to me by mistake. Was asked to delete, but I kept them anyway. Thought I'd share with the rest of the ORSM world. Thanks. Hide my details please.
click for gallery
dan wrote:
Subject: red headed ex gf pics
great website, ive been viewing it for a couple years now. I finally have some worthy material for you. These are pix of my ex, she found out I was fucking all her friends after about a year.. good thing i got atleast one pic of her raw freshly fucked cunt! Cheers
click for gallery

Brad wrote:
Subject: pics
what do u think? i was stoked when my buddy's girlfriend let me take these pics of her!

Me likey. -Orsm

click for gallery
SD wrote:
Subject: squashed BMW
Just another crazy day in Downtown Darlinghurst (Kings Cross, Sydney). No one was in the car at the time, which is lucky!!!
click for gallery
mike wrote:
Subject: Uh Oh.................
Guess those weight rating signs on bridges are important after all!
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: Re: Thankyou for noticing this new notice
The sign is there as 'art', and is one of many placed around external areas of the building. They were the creation of artist Richard Tipping, and have been in place since the opening in 2000. I've attached photos of some other signs around the building.
click for gallery
Billy wrote:
Subject: Car of the Month-2007 Covette Z06 Lingenfelter Photos
$135K car gone in 2 seconds. Fatal loss. Driver lost it under full acceleration (car came around on him) and hit a pole broadside. Keep your right foot only down 1/2 way! "Telephone pole hunter" car gathers up another one. To much power for some!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: a bit on the heavy side
Hi ORSM. Just had a Dear John letter from a lady who thinks she's God's gift. Always talking about how the local vicar can't take his eyes off her boobs. What's a man to do when he's going short and suddenly you meet another human being who's got tits and a pussy and willing to share? Fucked me off cos I wouldn't move in with her. Anyway, looking back, she was a bit on the heavy side but loved sex and having her photo taken. She was only 5 feet 3inches with a 44" bust. Here's a couple I took.

Dude... the swamp just called... they want their donkey back. -Orsm

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

Three guys are rating women (1-10) as they come into a pub. A decent looking woman comes in, and the first guy says "5", the second guy says "6", and the third guy says "maybe 1/2."

Again another woman enters, this time more attractive, and the ratings are 7, 7, and 1.

Then a gorgeous tall blonde enters. This woman is PERFECT. The first guy says "10." The second one echoes "10", and the third one says "2". The woman hears these ratings and turns quickly to the third guy. "I know what you guys are doing" she says indignantly "What do you mean 2!? I've never been rated less than 10!!"

The third guy replies. "You don't understand. I use the Young's rating system." She snaps back "So what is a 2 in the Young's rating system?" He responds "That's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off of my face!"

ORSM VIDEO

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the chick replied "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

click here for more

[WORST] JOKE OF THE YEAR

Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe. Having not had a meal since he'd left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn't take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him. Now Dracula was faced with a problem. "How do I dispose of this body?" he wondered. The only solution he could come with was to throw the new corpse out the window "I'm so high up, they'll never trace the body back to me. Ha ha" he cackled. So -whoosh- out the window went the corpse.

It just so happens that right below that window was the customary station of an itinerant street singer. BANG! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious. Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for 'dessert' so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable.

Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in. As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced, devoured his fresh and steaming dessert. Again the count wondered "How do I get rid of the body?" and then thought, "Well, it worked once. Why not again?"

So out the window went his latest victim. At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn't last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula's second victim.

Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, "What's happened here?" "It's terrible," sang the street singer. "Drained cops keep falling on my head!"

RANDOM SHITE
Yes... it really is that good. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

click here for more

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas, "the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now, "said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, "BP".

ORSM VIDEO


That's me for this week. It was a pleasure sticking this monster together so if you've enjoyed surfing it my work here is done. And now for the outro...

- Check out the site archives and Chicks & Stuff. They're positively brimming.
- Next update will be next Thursday. The final update for 2007! And you better check back because it is going to be even bigger than my friend Ray's ego. Ie. HUGE!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will stalk you and your family. Seriously he will. I told him to 'fuck off' one time and I've regretted it ever since. Ray can be everywhere and he can be nowhere. You don't want to mess with that. You don't.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.12.06-23.47

Welcome to Orsm.net. Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day!?

It's been a pretty stressful week. My poor pooch got sick late last week and I've been dogless ever since. My poor girl. It started last Friday - I did my usual rapid house evac thing when the stinky cleaning ladies rocked up, returned early afternoon and spent the rest of the day chained to the damn computer working away. The one noticeable absence was the passive aggressive harassment from dog to take her for a walk. Odd. I just figured she was tired and didn't worry about it. Hit late afternoon though and she was hardly moving which was an obvious sign something was up so I spent a while comforting her. She wouldn't eat and pushed out an emergency diarrhoea and vomit instead. I've seen her get sick before so didn't buy too much into it and decided to see what the situation was the next day but as it turned out, even worse.

The first thing I did Saturday morning was take her to the vet. Pretty quickly the vet worked out that she had a sore tummy and her temperature was way too high so I left her with them so they could hook up a drip and do blood tests.

Since then the diagnosis has gone from Pancreatitis, to having ingested poison or fertiliser, to a spider or snake bite. Thankfully she's doing a lot better but they still can't isolate it - her temperature has returned to normal, she's eating, drinking, is happy and not in any obvious pain... but her urine is still brown, which means blood, and her liver is still enlarged and its not a growth or tumour PLUS the blood tests aren't showing anything and its not anaemia.

I was convinced a snake was responsible. The block of land behind my house was cleared last Thursday ready to build a house there. Until then it was covered two metres high in weeds so it made perfect sense a bobcat digging away would have sent snakes scurrying in all directions, including mine. Oh yeah its snake season too and the little bastards are extremely active this year.

This just about did my head in. Having never been much of a lover of creatures with more or less than two legs my brain took the ball and ran with it... the result being a wonderful, albeit horrific, story of a large brown snake stealthily entering in my back door [no pun intended] to scope out a hiding place somewhere in my bedroom and lay patiently in wait before coming out to attack me...

And that ladies and gentlemen is what you call getting your just deserves! For years I've teased and taunted one of my mates about spiders. He hates them more than gay people so even the slightest mention would start me off on a tirade about releasing deadly attack spiders in his house that would only do so after he fell asleep. Now, after coming to the conclusion there was a snake on the loose, do you think I could even close my eyes to sleep? No chance! Everything... from sitting on the couch to sitting on the toilet, I'm expecting a snake to jump out and bite me. That'll teach me to pray on peoples insecurities for my own amusement!

Anyway at this point she is still at the vet but, as I've just been informed, will be home tomorrow. One thing is for sure - I'll be glad to have her back! Living solo definitely aint all it's cracked up to be without her around.

Moving on... besides the dog stuff my weekend was actually pretty good. We hit the Osborne Park Agricultural show Friday to watch the fireworks. I get dragged along to this one every year and actually don't mind it too much. Returned again Saturday night too although this time with my camera. You can check out my attempt at photos here. In my defence all I will say is that fireworks are much harder to shoot than I thought!

I spent all Sunday painting once again. This time it was door frames which it turns out take fucking forever to sand, prep, mask up and undercoat. Let's not forget the added annoyance of every single surface in the entire house being covered in dust as a result. You'd have thought with five years of cabinet making experience I would know better but no...

Okay that's enough blogging for this week. I probably could have gone on for another page or two but we all know you guys have got better things to do and most likely really aren't all that interested so I'll just cut to the update and get this bad boy cranking...

You say you want to be my friend but you still haven't added me as one on FaceBook. Why do hurt me so? Why? ANYWAY... if you want to befriend me then click here to make it happen and don't forget to join the Orsm group!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Babalicious - Game On - Dum Blonde - Cam Hottie - Third Boobie! - Smoking Body - Girl Squirts - Ghetto Pussy

In The Pipe - Fucking Funny - Erika Satoh - Double Trouble - Shelterd Life - Bawdy Whore - Doggy Style - 10 Things

Bad Diarrhoea - Techno Gramps - POV Porn - Kate Shows Off - Sophie Monk - Gemma - Chicas - Knock Knock

Click for more awesomeness

Three aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra. The first bloke says to his mate. "Ay Jeffry wot land ya gunna buy wit your dolla's from da govment?" Jeffrey says "I'm gunna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up dere bloke." Then Jeffry says to Lewis "Ay Lewis, wot land you gunna buy?" Lewis says "I'm gunna buy Gibson land... nice place round dere ay!" Then Lewis says to Neville "Ay! Neville wot land you gunna buy dere bloke?" Neville replys "I'm gunna buy LIQUOR LAND!"
--
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

click here for more

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!?" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

A minute later Bruce returned with Frank and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls!"

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
There's been a plethora of quality RM submissions this week. No scraping the barrel around here I tell ya! Huge thanks to all the contributors. You guys rock my world.

There's been an ever increasing stockpile of mail that I could squeeze on this page for quite some time now. I don't want to just bin it because there is some amazing stuff so the Orsm Overflow will be back at least for the next few weeks. Make sure you check it out! The Overflow starts here.

If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

Chris S wrote:
Subject: religious zealots
i'll top your situation. i got accosted outside a bar in Fargo, ND USA. I was about to go in when I glanced at a decent looking girl and the first thing she says is " are you prepared to die tonight?" "What?" I said."Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" "Oh that... yes I do, I just wnat to listen to some live music and it happens to be in a bar. So go bug someone else." I was going to say more but they stopped bugging after I said yes.
Tezza wrote:
Subject: Skypilots and other Religious Bigots
You should do what I do when accosted by religion salespersons. Say to them, "You know in Genesis in the beginning where are the phukin dinosaurs?" We know they existed, "So why no mention in your book of crap?" Can't give a reasoned reply I tell them goodbye.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: KRUDD - on the news this morning
On the early morning news this morning and up came KR and a story about the ratification of the Kyoto Agreement. KR was saying that he was pleased with the Kyoto outcome. and it meant that we could participate in the conference in Bali in full later next week. However ... he then said that as a by product of the agreement the cost of water, power, food and general household costs were going to rise. They then flagged the possibility of a rate rise or two if inflation starts to increase ...

And so it begins... -Orsm

ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Re "Life is Beautiful" e-mail virus....
Hello, After reading the warning about the e-mail virus, I went to Snopes (an e-mail research verification site-www.snopes.com) and they have the story about the above 'virus'. They said it's a hoax, and it first surfaced in 2002 and it was in Portuguese, later made its way to English.  It's a one page repudiation of the 'virus' story.  Worth reading...  Love your site

Holy crap there were a lot of responses to this! It only got posted because I can't believe these kind of emails still go around and people still think they're real! I just assumed everyone would realise... -Orsm

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Open letter to Sudanese Embassy...
Sir, I find the Sudanese justice system rather impressive. In just over a week Gillian Gibbons has been Arrested, Charged, Tried, Sentenced, Pardoned and Extradited. In the UK she would still be in police custody and probably not yet even charged. Your most humble etc.
Some Guy wrote:
Subject: im off to sudan next week
I'm off to Sudan next week so I won't see you for a while. Will you do me a favour and look after my teddy bear for me? I don't think it's a good idea to take it with me - especially as I've named him 'smelly suicide bombing dirty muslim c*nt'
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Insult to Christianity...
I have renamed my dog “Moses” and I've just christened my last steaming turd "Jesus", but I don't think I'll be getting banged up in prison, nor getting flogged with 40 lashes, do you?
Fidothedog wrote:
Subject: re mohammed bear
Hi love the site etc, thought I would send some pics regarding the Mohammed bear crisis in the Sudan, where the local barbarians put a woman on trial because a Teddy bear was named mohammed.
click for gallery

Duncan wrote:
Subject: Please don't
Ever, ever again. Nastiest stuff I've ever seen.

click to enlarge

Spider Wumun wrote:
Subject: THIS IS THE WAY TO FISH!
The man hasn't lived who would not be proud to be related to this genius. Check out this guy:

I was going to build the Gazebo on the edge of my dock down by the lake but I thought .... I might just as well build the deck with floats on it and I can then take it out fishing too. Has 15,000# capacity. The deck is 18ft x 18ft with 12 plastic foam filled dock floats that are 4ft x 4ft by 18 inch high and the Gazebo is 10 ft hexagon with a table and chairs inside. Under the table is my trolling motor so I can take it out to my favorite fishing hole. The trolling motor is remote controled wireless so I can be fishing outside and operate the motor. On the top of the table I have a LOWRANCE Fish-Finder with depth sounding sonars and temp gauge. I have 2 electric winchs with 40# anchors. I have also built in a water pump so I can clean the fish right on the spot. Now I can relax and fish while my wife can sit and relax.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: live big for less
hey mate. 16 boxes of apparel came into our store on thursday with this on the side. made the shift more amusing. please don't show my details. cheers.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic for ya
What up! thought you might like this... maybe.... got this sent to me from one of my chicks followed by a text that said "wanna play some pool baby".

Tell her I'll play. Be more than happy to use my pole and sink a ball in her hole. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Maroubra beach boobie
The East coast can do it too! Maroubra beach boobie. Don't show my details or there may not be any more!! Cheers

You'd slam that linke a fridge door! Hot! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Matt wrote:
Subject: reader mail
love the site, i'm a long time fan for years. anyway out buying pizza the other night and came across sign on the door.

I've had Eagle Boys. Nothing that isn't evil about their pizza. Nothing. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Nafe wrote:
Subject: Jet Stream
Took these Tuesday afternoon. Was the jet stream from an Airbus A320-300 flying at 34,000 feet from Melbourne to Mauritius. Apparently a common thing in other countries but rare for a plane to fly directly over Perth without stopping.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Local university girl
Hello Mate, I've been reading your site for a couple years from the US, some great Aussie blokes told me about it while on holiday at Oktoberfest, I love it keep up the good work. Usually I think American girls are worthless but this one has been quite fun. These are some pics from a recent rendezvous with a local Uni girl. Young girls (21) are so eager to please, she was initially hesitant to take the photos but eventually surrendered after some kind words and my promise that I wouldn't show anyone! Haha. Cheers!
click for gallery
Kenneth wrote:
Subject: Narrogin RevHeads
Hi mate, great site, orsm vids. Here are a few photos we took at the Narrogin RevHeads event... in, you guessed it, Narrogin! There were cars there as well apparently...
click for gallery
Wyn wrote:
Subject: Gay Rambling
heres a lovely few pics of my 40 year old Welsh arse descending the Aneto Glacier in the Pyrennese shortly after clumping to the top with two mates from work (nigh on 11,000ft)... locals call us the Gay Ramblers, so I thought I would help their rumorism. Wetleg...!!! Cheers... !!!
click for gallery
Dz wrote:
Subject: Funny things happen
Pictures are kind of funny. The funniest thing is - this turn is not even close to their destinatin, nor even part of their route. They have to turn around because of wrongly planned route! Regards
click for gallery
John wrote:
Subject: This had to hurt...
Don't know the story behind this one.. No dates, locations, anything included with the pictures... Happy Hunting!
click for gallery
jeff wrote:
Subject: garage sale
Here are some pictures I found on a hard drive at a garage sale. I have enjoyed your site for many years and final have something to share. Please do not show my email address.
click for gallery

Michael wrote:
Subject: YAY YAY YAY Russian SPAMMER!!!!!
I've finally been spammed by a Russian hottie!!! Perhaps some of your hundreds of trillions of visitors each week aren't yet aware of the Russian hottie spam... So as a Christmas present to them all, I thought I'd share the emails I have received over the last week, and just as an added bonus, I'll enclose her photos. These bitches, although stunning, really are stupid, as from the research I've done, they send the same (or very similiar) emails to everyone. You can write personal shit back but you don't get a reply, it's all just standard. I told this dumb bitch that I'll send her the money, but first she must send me full naked shots as I hate body hair, the next email from her was just how much she loves me LOL!!!

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.  "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? "

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete arse of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did... all over his suit," Louise informed him.  "And he fired you..."

"Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

ORSM VIDEO

A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, "I would like a Long Island Duck!" So the kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's ass, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, "This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!"

The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger in the second duck she yells, "This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?"

The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, "I hope this is what you want lady. It's the last duck we have." After sticking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, "Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it! Wrap it up!"

As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says "You're not too bright, are you! You're new around here. Where are you from, any way?" The kid bends down, drops his pants and with his ass towards her and says, "Here lady! You tell me!"

click here for more

Two gay men were visiting a zoo one afternoon. They were walking around the exhibits when they noticed a large crowd gathered around the gorilla enclosure. They pushed their way to the front and saw a large male gorilla sitting behind the bars watching the crowd.

"What a magnificent animal," said the first gay man, and leaned forward to get a better look. "I wonder if he's that big all over." He craned his neck and stuck his head close to the bars. His friend shouted a warning, but it was too late. In a flash, the gorilla lunged forward and grabbed the man and pulled him through the bars.

The crowd watched in disbelief as the gorilla tore the clothes off the hapless man. When he was entirely naked, the gorilla spread the man's legs and bent over him. The terrified screams subsided to low moans. Once, twice, three times, the gorilla returned to the naked man and repeated the act as the crowd watched in horror. Finally, the gorilla picked up the naked man and tossed him back over the fence. He was placed on a stretcher and rushed to the nearest hospital.

A couple days later, his friend went to visit him. He walked into the darkened hospital room and pulled a chair up to the bedside. "We all saw what happened. How you feeling? Are you hurt?" he asked. His friend turned his tear-stained face toward him. "What do you think?" he replied, "Of course I'm bloody hurt! No flowers... no calls... not even a card!"

RANDOM SHITE
I know what you're wondering - is this the best RS ever? Well the answer is " ". I hope that clears it up. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?" The pro replied, "Loft."

The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question. The pro again answered, "Loft."

The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?" Again, "Loft."

As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro. "All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?" The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Fuckin' Talent!"

click here for more

HAVING A BAD DAY...

Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two knockout. She always wore tight miniskirts, and generally went braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car...

click here for more

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet. "The wife takes the hint and says, "Okay, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Thaaaaaaaaaaat's a wrap people. And now for the epilogue...

- Check out the site archives. They are so fully sick, bro.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Second last for '07. Booya.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray Will break you, like he break your friend.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't drink and drive!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

orsmfeatured
orsmlinkage
orsmorsmness
moreorsmness