Welcome to Orsm.net. So this is Christmas...
WANTED: Programmer & Designer to rebuild this entire website from the backend up. Must be forward thinking, able to work unsupervised, work to a schedule and be proficient in PHP, MYSQL, CSS, Flash, SEO and associated technologies. Design companies welcome but no outsourcing. Please send resumes and portfolios here for contact in the New Year.
God damn here we are! I thought the end to my work year would never come but it has and this day has been glee-filled in anticipation. All that remains is a few hours of running around tomorrow and I'm done and dusted until January. No more long hours at the computer, no more updates... just Christmas, socialising and relaxing. It's already been worth the wait.
Talking of Christmas, I've found myself finishing emails lately with a very neutral and inoffensive 'Happy Holidays' until it occurred to me that I was being a complete fucking hypocrite.
Every year more and more we see stupid-arse politically correct crap ruining Christmas - Santa not allowed to 'Ho', Nativity Scenes banned, Christmas Carols cancelled at schools. All for the sake of not offending people who don't believe in Christmas. So from now on if they have a problem with it - too fucking bad! I aint going to pander. Every email, every conversation, every acknowledgement is going to contain those two words - MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I don't want to get all preachy and high horse but I'm getting fucked off with retards that drink and drive. It strikes me as one of the most selfish things a person can do and the road toll can attest to that. 226 people dead on West Australian roads this year, currently 34 more than 2006 and another 20 expected to go before the year is out. Okay not all of them are alcohol related but its fucking disturbing and makes me wonder how long before some moron wipes out someone I know.
The cops set up a booze bus not far from my place on Friday night breath testing drivers going in both directions. How many cars do you think they had stopped? And I don't mean the ones that were tested... I mean the ones that were pulled aside for a secondary test - at least 25! It's not even that busy a road either! I don't claim to be an angel driver, I've done plenty of stupid shit, but honestly its 2007 - how could anyone not know better by now?
'No Hawkers, Collectors or Religious Groups'. That's the sticker on my front door. The last owners put it on and I never saw the point in removing it. It's big, blue and has bold yellow lettering. Impossible to miss but 100% totally ineffective. Why? Because the hawkers, collectors and religious groups all choose to knock anyway. Like the guy collecting for the disabled spastics or whoever the fuck. He was looking for 'donations' and seemed genuinely offended when I told him I had a $50 note and a $5 note and he was getting the $5. "I'll take the $50." "No. You won't."
And let's not forget the people from Save the Children. Nice guys. They really were. But after five minutes of being told I could visit the kids in the villages I had to interject and ask what he was trying to sell me. Five minutes later I still had no idea but apparently if I want to visit kids in villages I can. Phew... up until now I was worried I couldn't. interestingly enough they thought my sticker was pretty funny... go figure.
Moving on... is everyone looking forward to Christmas Day? I'm in two minds at the moment - it'll be great to catch up with my cousins and spend some QT heckling my aunties but with the forecast for 38°C [100°F] I can't think of a worse thing than sitting down to a banquet of various meats, seafood and potatoes. It is only half bad though... we had a dinner thing on Sunday which took care of one side of the family so once lunch is over, Christmas is over.
As for Christmas shopping... Target, Big W, Myer, David Jones, K-mart... if I never have to go back to any of those places ever again I'm cool with that. Did make a pretty good dent in it last weekend though. Still need to find a few more things but I'll be surprised if I can't get everything done by Saturday or Sunday at the latest and have some time to spare.
I'm running out of space here so I just want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who've supported Orsm.net this year! You guys rock my world every single day so thank you to everyone who has contributed, told their friends or just surfed on by.
Okay enough crapping on about crap. If you're new to these parts then you couldn't have picked a better time to surf Orsm because this is the biggest, baddest, most insane update EVER! I kid you not - it's stuffed fuller than a junkies crack pipe, bigger than my friend Rays ego, and longer than my massive cock so make sure you click every link because there's Easter Egg's stashed everywhere! Check it...
You say you want to be my friend but you still haven't added me as one on FaceBook. Why do hurt me so? Why? ANYWAY... if you want to befriend me then click here to make it happen and don't forget to join the Orsm group!
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2007 Classics - Addictive! - Guitar Fags - Public Porn - Cam Godess - Ghetto Skanks - Topless Wii - Pageant Slut
Ownage - Rednecking - Azn Jubblies - Wow Brianna - Spectacular - Drunk Moron - Whoriental - FreakFest - Wrecked
Luna 10/10 - Breastacular - Xmas Babes - Nasty Tara - Aisleyne - Sicko - Simpsons 300 - Great Ass - Tasty Teen
More updates to Chicks & Stuff! Get them while they're hot: 40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46
One evening, in a busy lounge in the Deep South, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here!"
It's the day before Christmas and Darth says to Luke "I know what you're getting me. I felt your presents".
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS JOKE
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
Three men died on Christmas Eve in an accident following a wild Office Party and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on."It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”
The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”
As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
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Before you get stuck into this weeks RM I implore you to check the latest Overflow - it is absolutely freaking massive! Matter of fact it's so big I've received several warnings from Work Safe who seem to have concerns that people won't be able to handle all the cool shit contained with in. Clickety-click here to find out for yourself but please keep your arms and legs clear at all times.
If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen
Dear mr. Bastard,
For the past couple of weeks, i am seeing certain contents on ur site related to jokes about our prophet Muhammad (pbuh) which is making me extremly offended and i think you should stop it right now. Islam is a religion of peace and we wana spread peace for everyone, except for the ones who want themselves to be in pieces. And you are trying to do the same with this cheap content on your site. So take it as a warning and stop it write now.
A warning huh? Dude, from me to you - please suck my cock Merry Christmas. -Orsm
Hey, Orsm dude.
Could u tell us fat fucks more about the guy who slimmed down in those pics you published?
Damn, he went from a blob to a well-built chappy and I'd like to know more about his story..... all in a non-homo way, of course!
Anyone? Email me. -Orsm
Subject: You posted TRANNY pics
I love the series of beautiful women you post.... normally. I opened this week's section (titled certified hotness with chloe dior) expecting more of the same. And it was good, at least until i got to noticing how masculine her hands were. I'd never seen a woman with such wide fingers and such noticable veins. Then looking at her vagina I noticed they looked like ball sack skin and just got disgusted.
Next time, please warn if you're posting post-op tranny pics so i don't get boners ruined.
Say what you will - you'd still slam her her like an old alarm clock. -Orsm
Some Kiwi Guy wrote:
Subject: What would you do?
ONE MORNING YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM RIGHT ABOVE YOUR HEAD YOU SEE THIS ... What will you do????!!!!!!!
Cheers for the nightmares about spiders. -Orsm
Subject: Another reason to stay in school
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Wal-Mart Employee: Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?
Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.
Wal-Mart Employee: What you want on the cake?
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ankle surgery
I love your site. One of the best on the net. Here is a picture of my ankle after surgery. I had to have seven screws and a plate put in. I thought you might like it. Please leave out my info if you post this. Thank you.
Subject: My Bike accident
Hi Orsm, About 5 months ago I had a nasty bike accident, I was riding a CBR1000 and going a bit fast. I ended up on life support for a month, had my spleen and a kidney removed along with a load of other injuries. Anyway, I'm better now and would like to shire some pics from my operation with you all...
Subject: cock o clock
big sex weekend. special times. hide my email. cheers
No one ask this guy for the time. -Orsm
Subject: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WITH SPEED
Dear Orsm. Some pics of a Container Forklift in RSA driving to fast and fell over. Hate to know what cargo looked like afterwards.
Subject: BMW vs Deer
Deer season in Germany. Processed and cooked at 140 mph!! To all you deer hunters out there. How do you pack a 140 pound deer into a BMW convertible?
Subject: is this true?
Everyone, these thongs are available at selected Coles stores in Sydney and most $2.00 Shops or Reject Stores in Melbourne! This is very true. I heard it from one of our local radio stations here that the Australian government has to be extra careful on these cheap imports from China especially clothes, because the Chinese are using some strong but cheap chemical in their manufacturing plants. Cheap is expensive and at the same time could be fatal.
Tearlach Andraius wrote:
Subject: My ex partner
Mr Orsm, have these pictures of my ex sucking cock - though everyone out there in ORSM land would enjoy them. Please hide my email - plenty more if you want them.
Subject: In Memory.(Anzacs).
I am fully aware of respect for those that have served, and still serve their country. This "Dog and Trailer Combination Rig was commissioned by the owner's wife, whose Grandfather's image is on each door, when he was a very young Australian and New Zealand Army Corps ( A.N.Z.A.C.) soldier in WW1. All the original ANZAC's are gone now, but their deeds and memory are legend. The other scenes relate to WW11, Korea and Vietnam. This Rig is in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. It is NOT a 'show-pony', it is an everyday working rig. It's named 'REMEMBERANCE', as can be seen on the sun visor above the windscreen. Our Veterans and current serving members are, at last, being accorded the recognition and respect that for too long, has been shamefully lacking. Stuart G., Sgt, Royal Australian Air Force. (Retd)
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some skank
Hi dude, Love your site. If found a camera at the airport and thought I would share some of the pics on it with you. Hope everyone enjoys. Please do not publish my details.
Subject: Domino's Prank Call
Hey Mr Orsm! Big fan of your site, look forward to the updates each week blah blah wank wank ass kiss.
Thought you might find this interesting, was bored at work so i hooked up my phone to my pc and made a prank call to dominos with the Jack Black
soundboard. Made me almost piss myself and the dumb bitch fell for it hook line and sinker. until next time, stay choice!
Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Can you answer this? This will drive you nuts...
There are 7 girls on a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats
Question: How many legs are there in the bus?
The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet. If you open it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: some phone porn
hey mr orsm found this on my friends phone thought you might like to share it with the world two dirty skanks from northern ireland please withold my details
Apparently this web cam was setup underwater in Cathedral Bay just off Rotto Island for a marine studdie only a few weeks ago. Awesome! Not
Its like he's just out for a walk... -Orsm
Subject: Silent Drill Team
Be sure to watch past the 3 minute mark when it goes from fantastic to spectacular: Here's a performance of the US Marine Drill Team at a recent Denver Nuggets Basketball game. It almost makes your hair stand on end. For those of you who have spent some time in the Military ... this Platoon performance makes you almost want to cry .... knowing the discipline and practice time it takes to execute a military drill with arms routine flawlessly.
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on her advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy act).
Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
I went skitz with this weeks RS. Why? Because I can! Its substantially bigger than usual so make sure you keep clicking through. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - More >>
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins piling presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!
THINGS YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING ONLY AT CHRISTMAS
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Lego instead. Santa
Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Barbie dream house it is! Santa
Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Yukon Jack. Santa
Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
Dear Santa: I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.... again! Santa
Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's... who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you - Mum's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.'"
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.
As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg but Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of ic cream and lollies etc, if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.
As they drove home, Mum asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. She began offering bribes if Wilbert would only tell her what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.
What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.
She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little cunt, if you don't climb your ass the hell the fuck off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the living crap out of you!'"
A NEW CONTRACT FOR SANTA
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" and you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Well girls and boys that's it for 2007. 50 updates, tonnes of porn, heaps of videos, countless jokes, endless Random Shite, reams of reader mail and a partridge in a pair tree. I hope you guys loved surfing it as I did gluing it all together. And with that...
- Check out the site archives. They cover every Orsm update for the last 598 years.
- Next update will not be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Santa won't bring you any presents.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, hit the chems like a mofo and have a see you all in 2008! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Feliz Navidad y Feliz Año Nuevo!
Frohe Weihnachten Und Frohes Neues!
عيد الميلاد وعيد رأس السنة
Joyeuses fêtes de fin d'année
Καλα Χριστουγεννα και Ευτυχισμενο το Νεο Ετος
Buon Natale e felice anno nuovo
메리 크리스마스와 행복한 새해
Feliz Natal e Feliz Ano Novo
С Рождеством и счастливого нового года