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December 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.12.18-23.54
Erin & Faye lez it up

Welcome to Orsm.net. Holy fucking shit fuck it's THAT fucking time AGAIN.

I can't help feeling ever so slightly extremely relieved. Holidays are finally here and after a year that I surrendered more of my life than I ever thought possible to running this site the break is very much needed. Poor me, martyr that I am, is tired and despite the common assumption [not entirely without merit] that I sit around all day looking at porn there's barely been a free minute all year. Yeah sleep when you're dead and all that but I've heard from people that there's more to life than staring with a blank expression into a computer screen all day. News to me...

I was a bit stressed last week about the dentist visit I had no choice in but much to my surprise it really wasn't all that bad. The problem was caused by me doing nothing when I chipped the tooth mid-year. That led to an infection and eventually pain. Not uncommon they said - apparently the world is full of people who know better until they don't. Anyway they set to work with needles and grinding tools and sorted it temporarily until I go back for the round two late January which I can safely say I'm not worried about.

To be honest the hardest part of my oral experience was not being able to rip out a "That's what she said" with every double entendre... and there were many. With that in mind I now give you Things That Sound Dirty At The Dentist But Aren't: 1. Can I get some suction over here; 2. You may feel a slight prick; 3. You need a root canal; 4. Open wide so I can get in; 5. I'm going to drill it; 6. I'm going to fill your hole; 7. I can just pull it out if you like? 8. I'm going to put this in your mouth.

Attended the Anti Internet Censorship rally Saturday. Not a bad turnout considering how little publicity the issue is getting and whilst I doubt 150 people standing in a park makes a huge difference to blinkered government policy, maybe it helps raise awareness. Honestly though, if I was a power-crazed, socially conservative minister answering to no one but God Almighty I'd probably laugh all the way to the server room as I flick the switch and bring down the curtain.

Moving on... actually no... let's move on from the blog thing I'm so attached to and get the update happening. But before I do, a few thoughts...

1. Do not fucking drink and drive and take it easy on the roads. If not for yourself or other road users, think of your friends and family. I've seen with my own eyes the effect losing a loved one before their time has and it's devastating.

2. There's just one person running Orsm.net so before you fire off a pissy email accusing me of whatever or get on my case about something try keeping in mind shit occasionally slips through the cracks but I do my best.

3. Huge thank you to everyone who surfed by this year and an even bigger THANKS to everyone that's emailed me. Some of you guys email once a year, some everyday. I appreciate every last one [no matter how many times I've seen it!].

And with that its time to drop a bomb on a massive update. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Puke Prank - The Game - Simply Hilarious - Work That Ass - Celeb Sextape - Jess Alba - Vida Guerra - Vaj Pounding

Topless Skydiving - Fucking Mental - Dodge It - Azn Godess - Cam Girls - Hot Or Not? - Black Amateurs

Breast Care - Use The Force - Bikini Futbol - So Sprung - Sexsational - Loh-Cans - My My My - Kind Of Erotic

If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let's face it.... you're probably drunk!
--
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
--
There will be no Nativity Scene in Ottawa this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canada's, capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capital, nor could they find a virgin. P.S. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
--
A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y!?" "Nope!" replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face "You want C-A-N-D-Y!?" "Nope!" replied George. "Then just what do you want, ask Santa." George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!!"
--
A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"
--
It is Christmas Eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman. He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested. The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

ORSM VIDEO

RULES FOR BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
With Christmas bearing down you may be starting to get desperate for present ideas. Well ladies, lucky for you this handy list will be more than helpful...

RULE 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

RULE 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.

RULE 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. Washer fluid, wheel gloss or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

RULE 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like 200 hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.

RULE 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.

RULE 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.

Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!

JESSICA & LEXI
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty bucks, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!"

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer, starts Googling, hits Wikipedia, Asks Jeeves... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the bloody answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $50, and goes back to sleep...

BAD BAD SANTAS
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

RANDOM SHITE
From the depths of depravity, the farthest corners of the web, and lots of other really interesting sounding places comes an ever so sweet RS to finish the year with. Check it...

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
It's official. Santa has added criteria to his present recipient list. From now in its "Who's been naughty, nice or hasn't submitted to Orsm Reader Mail". True story. You can write to Santa and ask him if you don't believe me but it would just be easier of you sent me something instead. Amongst the most wanted are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

Mick wrote:
Subject: Just a Rant
In this drug addled, drunken, violent, sexual deprivation, overbearing politicians(who else but conroy), world, there a couple of things that I think should be said: They might be:

When we have Palestinians, Arabs, afghans, Israelis, putting balaclavas on their faces when they are throwing rocks or whatever from so far away, what are they trying to hide? By the same token, when someone sends something to orsm why do they wish their name to be withheld, are they ashamed of what they did, half the time we all are, or are they scared it does not fit with their profile. Pisses me off that people have to hide behind whatever facade they have created for themselves. Have the guts to be proud of whatever you think people will think of you. I guarantee they will think more of you if you weren't such wimps.

To all you young heroes out there who hang around in gangs. Wake up. You are not liked. You are just a mole in the dregs of society. Not one of you would have the guts to stand up for what you believe for on your own. To all you dickheads who think that road rage is great. Why not take care yourselves and it might not happen. To all young experimenters with drugs. Think carefully before you try. I know. My son is currently in jail doing a long time because of it. Do not tell me I know.

You might not think so at the moment ( you won't) but do not waste your life. I have had three suicides this year because of drugs, plus a few others go to jail. It is not easy on those who are left behind. So please have a second thought. No one thinks you are terrible for saying no. Enjoy your lives. Yes, compared to most of orsm's readers I may be old (49), but I remember what I used to do when I was a young person. Thoroughly enjoyed myself and came close to crossing the line, but never did. Tried drugs(made me sleep), maybe I was lucky, drank like a fish and still do at times.

It is my son who is 25 and back in jail for the fourth or fifth time. Drugs took him over and there was no stopping it. He still has another year to go. His mother and I (yes we are divorced, so I am available), still believe(his mum more than I) that this will be the time that he changes. We can only hope. His sister who has just turned 21 adores the ground that he walks on but not to the extent that she is silly. She won't go near drugs, yes she drinks, she decided that she would do something so she has a great job, a nice care, nice place to live. I think it shows that whatever you have to go through(and she went through hell with her brother), that you can do it. I know you are an Eagles supporter, don't know why, must live there. The only reason I would, and then I would even think twice. (yeah,yeah, yeah). Thoroughly pissed off that StKilda did not take Cousins. ( I support the saints). What happened to the Australian way of giving someone a go? And don't understand why the hobnobs at the Eagles just dismissed him.Give the bloke a chance.

And finally, thank you for an orsm site. Have a great holiday. Enjoy the wonderful women of WA,(nearly as good as the sunshine coast). See you next year. Cheers

Have to agree with most of that. -Orsm

glenn wrote:
Subject: closer to reality than you think
hey orsm long time reader got this in an email and i was hopein you post it on your site ! now closer to reality than you think - Especially now that we have Barback Osama

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found on Facebook
Hey, Found this photo from one of my friend's on Facebook, Thought the rest of the world would like to see. The photo is of a couple of girls from Perth, apparently it was posted without her noticing the girl in the background? Please with hold my details. Thanks
click to enlarge
Mac wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Gordon Ramsey's latest dish
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dognight wrote:
Subject: pic
orsm! Here's the sickley looking Cheese Dog (penis) from Thousand Oaks, CA... I opted for a pretzel.

I'm both hungry and aroused. -Orsm

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Francois wrote:
Subject: Funny
A Sign on the back of a Landrover in Windhoek, Namibia
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Love your site. Her name is Lila from Oregon. Those nicely unique pigmented lips make her recognizable by many. As well worn as this 26 year old tart is, God Bless her: She's as tight as a drum, in spite of repeated thrumpings from BOTH ends! She claims she is a good girl, though. Good and crazy!
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Mark wrote:
Subject: A photo submission.
Hi Nath, So there I was sitting at red light, thinking of the usual. And there in front of me was a Honda suggesting the very same thing. An omen! So out with the camera and click. Now if only I had a woman. Oh well.
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Wesley wrote:
Subject: pics
figured this might be worth putting up on your site somewhere in the next update. a pic of how every man's fridge should look.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: unusual challenge
saw this on the web the other day... pls keep my details private. cheers!

Happy to volunteer but he can't touch my balls. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: two pics etc..
Hey Orsm, Long time sicko.. uh, viewer.. infrequent contributer.. Hide my details.. blah blah blah.. two separate pics.. I was four-wheeling in northern New Hampshire and came across this sign posted along a rail-bed.. I'm hoping some viewer out there can tell us what the crap this sign means..
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: camaro in aus
Mr ORSM saw this camaro in brighton, some fatcat must own it. didnt even know they were available to buy yet.

Left hand drive though. -Orsm

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Erick wrote:
Subject: stay off means stay off!
A friend on a networking job in Indianapolis sent me this pic next to where she was working. No word on whether she heeded the order or not ;) Love your site, been looking at it weekly for years. Keep it up!
click to enlarge
Grenster wrote:
Subject: Sexy montage of my wife
Hey Orsm! I recently got back into photography and so have been taking a lot of pictures. Luckily, my wife is also my submissive and rather kinky, so I have the perfect model for my habit always on hand. Anyway, I made this montage for her (who are we kidding, i made it for me) and thought that I should share it with the world rather than be selfish and have it adorn my desktop alone. I cropped her face out to hide her identity, so she's cool with me sending it to you. What do you think? Feel free to share my email and let people know that I might be willing to photoshop up some nifty desktop wallpaper of someone else's wife or girlfriend if they want to send me some pictures (especially if it involves bondage). I'm re-teaching myself photoshop right now, so I need all the practice I can get.
click to enlarge
Sergeant Terry wrote:
Subject: Police Prosecutor foiled at work ....
I'd just popped out to the courthouse for the morning to dispense some justice and came back to find my hardworking Constables in a silly Christmas mood. Attention to detail was appreciated, with photos individually wrapped, right down to the mouse cord on the computer. I hope their stab-proof vests really do work - because once I unwrap my dartboard and darts, there will be some vengeance handed out. Be safe and have a Merry Christmas all.
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: LOGGING TRUCK INCIDENT - Watch where you are throwing stuff. Ooops :-)
The driver was attempting to throw a chain over the logs to secure them & as you can see, hooked the 7.2 kv primary instead! He said the tyres began to fry within seconds…..very lucky man.…he could easily have been fried himself!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some pics of the girlfriend.
Hey!! Ive been a user of your site for years ! I love the random shit section. Your awesome. your god in my eyes! So in appreciation, here are some pics of my gf, Thanks! Keep the site up!!!!
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^SaLaD FiNgErS^ wrote:
Subject: greetings
Hey mr.O, Been a while now since I posted something to your marvelous site... been awaiting every Thursday to enjoy my share of random shite since 2003/4 now... and I must say I will never forget the fabulous times me and your site are having together.... Anyways just got back from a weekend in Gozo, an island even smaller than Malta in the centre of the Mediterranean, usually in the summer days its totally filled with tourists and whatnot but this time of year gozo is a quiet island. Took some pics with my mobile and thought you might like them Mr.O.... sorry about the quality but should give you an idea of the place.
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Jay wrote:
Subject: How To
HOW TO LOAD BOAT ONTO PICKUP

That'll buff right out no worries! -Orsm

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Joe wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Redneck Christmas Tree
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Why you don't run over a mattress
This guy ran over a mattress and decided to keep going. The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to put a tear in the gas tank, the subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought this vehicle to its knees. It had still managed to drive 30 more miles decently with a 60lb tangle wrapped around the driveshaft. This genius complained that the vehicle had a "shimmy" when driving at high speeds. This is what the dealership found..............
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Boxing wrote:
Subject: facial
This is a British girl I met this past Summer in Manchester, England. Her name was Gina. Her are some more pixs of her.

Good girl. -Orsm

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Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP CUNT!

I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH! 

Sincerely, Johnnyhttp://www.funnyhumor.com/viewcount.php?type=joke&id=1151&s=

JACLYN CASE
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RANDOM SHITE
But wait there's more!! Aaaaaaaaaaand check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat that we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But, it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

YOU UGLY
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ORSM VIDEO

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well deserved vacation.

Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I get this damn cold out of my bones."

So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.

So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little fuck?"

She looks down and says. "Hello, you little fuck."

LIGHTNING STRIKE
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

ORSM VIDEO


And that's it dudes. 51 mother fucking updates. No idea how that works considering we're still 12 days out from the new year and I missed one due to The Great Catastrophic Computer Failure of 2008 a while back. Some sort of magic.

First update of 2009 will be on the first of January... provided of course there's internet access where I am AND I'm coherent enough to get it up.

Anyway, hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and hope also that you'll be back for more Orsm come 2009... the year that I promise changes will be made... even though I said that last year...

- Check out the site archives.
- Next update will NOT be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get Santa drunk and you wont get a present.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, get on the chems and have a safe and happy one. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.12.11-23.07
Jessica Lynn

Welcome to Orsm.net. It's as Anne as the nose on plain's face.

Funny week. Three friends announcing engagements, possibly two more pending and I'm yet to find anyone that ticks all the boxes. I'm sure she's out there but until a blonde, 18yo nymph with massive boobs, a love of housework and strong desire to please presents herself I'm flying solo.

It's also flown by at record pace which means one week closer to holidays and one more bloody update to go. Woo. Fine by me. I'll be glad when it's all over and I have some spare time to deal with important things such as sleeping in and getting drunk on weeknights.

I'm such a wuss. I've always been able to put my mandatory refusal of seeing a doctor down to overt manliness but when it comes to the dentist it's a whole other issue. Don't like them, don't trust them, don't like the digging around in my mouth and don't like the clinical thing. Dentist avoiders we're called. Honestly can't remember the last time I went for a visit either, instead relying on twice a day brushing and constant Listerine-ing. Dental hygiene but on my own terms.

Anyway whilst I'm sure this is absolutely fascinating to know there is a reason for it and it's got to do with the pain currently emanating from my molar. Think it started mid-year with a chipped tooth. Chomping away and felt something hard in my mouth [no pun intended], spit out [no pun intended] and there's something white I didn't want to swallow [no pun intended]. Didn't worry too much about it because it didn't really affect anything but ever so slowly since there's been a slight pressure building up around the spot which in the last few weeks has become sore and as of today - ouchies. Drinking causes a world of hurt and I'm too scared to try eating.

I've got a feeling that this is wisdom teeth coming through which is a tad concerning. Childhood memories of friends going to hospital and coming back with swollen heads and unable to talk remain vivid and even though the techniques are apparently different these days it's not something I'm looking forward to. Begrudgingly I'm booked in for tomorrow and I just know the guy is going to rip out a "fucking hell I've never seen anything quite like this" which will ultimately lead to a $2000 bill.

Moving on... let's do the weekend coverage shall we? Some of you dudes have so little in your lives you're forced to live vicariously through mine so prepare yourselves...

It actually felt like I spent most of it in the car which is probably because I did. Friday night went for a cruise with a mate, got some ice cream, returned home, picked some friends up from a work Christmas party. Saturday did some shopping, ran around to see some mates and then off to the community fair to watch fireworks. Sunday down to the beach first thing, home to wash the car and rest of the afternoon with a bunch of friends cruising around and eating ice cream. Very car-centric but considering an average tank of fuel is now $35-40 cheaper than it was a few months ago who gives a crap. Hopefully it stays that way because every weekend for the next three months is going to be just like that one.

Okay that'll do for the blog babble. Time for the good stuff. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Hooker Mugshots - The Paradox - DIY Babe - Kate Bosworth - Sweetest Ass - Cool Kid - Clone Cam - Black Pussy

Titties Of Joy - Creepy Fucker - Car Trouble - WTF Chicken?? - Perfect Bod - Cyborg Reality - Extreme Bondage

Asian Godess - Pole Dancer - Good Simpsons - Heidi Montag - Webcam Cans - Smart Bears - Urban TD - Bitch Bash

Michael was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Michael was standing in front of this particular judge. The judge eyed Michael sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend George. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail." "Well, your honour, it's like this," Michael began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then George turns to me and said, 'you know, Michael, the only damned reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that asshole judge.' Well, Your Honour, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."
--
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm... PHYSICALLY attracted to my horse!" "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...QUEER?"

ORSM VIDEO

FIVE MOSTLY POINTLESS RIDDLES
These questions are designed to see if you're really thinking. It sharpens your brain and makes you think maybe that extra beer last weekend really wasn't such a good idea...

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

The answers to all five the riddles are below:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter E, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

MICAH & JESS: FUCKING GOOD FRIENDS
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NEW HEALTH STUDY
A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer.

And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Domino's Pizza, KFC and Krispy Kream.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, in the best Chinese accent ever, "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

MICRO MACHINES
click for gallery

SCOTTISH LONELY HEARTS
Who said romance was dead? Here are a few winners with love to give...

GROSSLY OVERWEIGHT BUCKIE TURF-CUTTER, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

ABERDEEN MAN, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

HEAVY DRINKER, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .

BITTER, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

GINGER-HAIRED PAISLEY TROUBLEMAKER, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87

ARTISTIC EDINBURGH WOMAN, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

BAD-TEMPERED, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

DEVIL-WORSHIPER, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

GOVAN MAN, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

GO TRIBAL
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Bit of a massive mail bag this week and some absolutely stellar contributions in the mix. Just the way we like it! If you would like to submit something to RM then that would be absolutely fucking fantastic. Seriously it would. Ask around. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen, baby.

Me wrote:
Subject: internet censorship response
Did you get sent one of these propaganda emails? The wanker thinks he can throw money at a fictitious problem and make the world a safer place. Cheers!

Wow. What a load of fiction. This document tells the real story. -Orsm

pawley69 wrote:
Subject: The Toll Is Paid Bitch!
FYI, this crash (The Toll Is Paid Bitch!, in last week's iteration) happened on the Garden State Parkway in New Jersey, when the driver suffered a seizure and hit the concrete abutment at around 65 mph. The police were working another incident just a few hundred feet before the toll plaza when it happened. The guy apparently had a history of them. Sad.
Russ wrote:
Subject: Re: Smokers
Hey Orsm! I just wanted to respond to 'name witheld' and his opionion on second hand smoke. Although why, when he is so sure of his argument, he found it necessary to remain anonymous is mystifying. I smoked for 53 years and firmly agreed with, and aired, the very findings to which he refers. I also defended my right to smoke down to my last hacking, phlegm filled cough. But as you know , this is a contentious issue, so I'm glad that 'name withheld' left everyone the option to 'feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.' So just to set things right 'name witheld'.......You, and they, are full of shit!! Better now?

Me wrote:
Subject: response to "smokers"
<with held> wrote:
Subject: smokers
... I was just reading on your site about the poly who wants to ban smoking just about everywhere, well I have some news for that ignorant bitch, did you know there is not one accredited study that proves second hand smoking harms ANYONE, the study that all the anti smoking groups use as there main ammunition is an American study done by the FDA back in the nineties,

I see your point of view mate. What I do have issues with is inhaling and smelling second hand smoke. Whenever I take the kids to the supermarket or shopping mall we have to walk through a cloud of the crap. This is the same when we go to hospitals, restaurants, take-away shops, pubs and almost every other conceivable public place. Calling a politician ignorant is like telling someone that the grass is green or the sky is blue - this isn't new news to anyone. If anyone is ignorant it is you and others like you. You seem to be hiding from the idea that your smoking is affecting others just because you don't like the qualifications of the person telling you. It doesn't take a genius to know that the smoke coming from your breath and the smoke rising from the lit cigarette are different but they still contain all the bad stuff.

Woomera wrote:
Subject: Pic
There ya go ya pervert, lol. Have a bonzer day mate, if you use it dont give my addy, ta thats the drunken buddy! :))
click to enlarge

V wrote:
Subject: Another job out of the way ?
I've been at Primo to get the Christmas lights all week, to beat the neighbours... Now he's wondering why I won't speak to him!

Looks fantastic. Mine needs doing if you are free? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Ryan wrote:
Subject: Small contribution
Hi there. Have always enjoyed your site and thought it time to contribute in my own small way. Here are a couple of pics and a short vid of a chunky local Scottish lass. Hope some of your other readers will enjoy them - even if she does look scary as hell sucking away!
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dear Mr. orsm. I've sent in a pic or two in the long distant past and thought you'd like this one. Being married does indeed have it's perks .Please keep my details private.

Fantastic bum... but I think most of us are wondering what the rest looks like...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: randon shite pic
Been a while since I've had a picture to submit. I was on my way to work and stopped for some drive thru food. This is the car in front of me. THIS is why I keep my camera with me at ALL times!!!

How would you explain that to your family exactly? "Mum, Dad... I like to deep throat cock until I gag. It's rad." -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite
hey mate, saw this today on Leach Hwy.. some how i dont think its Pink Skips official company motto. withold my details as per usual. and keep up the good work
click to enlarge
Pete wrote:
Subject: Greetings from...
Dude, long time reader, first time blah blah blah pish. Found the attached watching Top Gear on the telly the other day - surely this is a bit much to keep the locals out of the water? Perhaps some alligators or something, but this is just going too far. Who filled it? Jesus, that's just given me a thought - see you in a few months buddy.
click to enlarge
giannis c wrote:
Subject: Athens
for the friends out of the borders this is, or was, the xmas tree in Athens' main square during the riots in Athens last night
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: this is some pics of my ex (fuckin slut)
her name is theresa aka stalker crazy bitch ... pay backs a bitch ... please hold my email info...
click to enlarge
Steele wrote:
Subject: More sign failure
A store in Boston, MA called The Mattress Discounters, or possibly Discount Mattress Warehouse. Can't remember. I only bothered with the good bit.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: steep situation
hey mate, i saw this on my way home this evening in Peppy Grove. some dipshit teenager in his mums 4wd tried to take the S-bend at speed and in the wet.. this what resulted. oh and yes that is what you think it is next to the scene.

For some reason I don't think he was making a cake with those... -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: I think Some One had a big Night
Hey Orsm, A strange site to behold on a Sunday morning in New Farm in Brisbane. I thought it was so funny I had to go home, get my wife and my camera. Thought you might like. I've removed the plates to protect the innocent. This stretch of Brunswick St is full of restaurants, maybe thats were the glad wrap has come from. Whoever did, what a genius!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex GF Pics
Here are some pics of two of my ex'es, they were both great cock suckers. Love the site.  Please Hide My info.

click for gallery

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
How to install an air-conditioner

How do these people not die? -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
Pics of my ex. I have more if you want to see them. Please hide my info!

You broke up with THAT? -Orsm

click for gallery
Emily wrote:
Subject: Cheating homo ex-boyfriend
Hey darling........... this was my boyfriend for a while until I came home one day and found him with his best friend's dick up his ass.... I just thought everybody should know what a homo he is...... love your site..
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: greetings
Hello Orsm, first time write in. Your site rocks! Can't wait until Thursday's update. It's what I live for. Anyway down to business. Here are a few pictures of my ex. She said she always wanted to be on the internet. She even applied to be a model at Met Art. She never made it. Tell me, do you think she was robbed? Well at least she can say she made it on your site! Keep up the good work.
click for gallery

Spencer wrote:
Subject: Traffic Accident Safety Message
Dude, Some pretty fucked up shit!!! Keep up the good work, hope the govt doesn¹t bring an end to orsm Thursday's!! DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE EFFECTED BY GRAPHIC PHOTGRAPHS ETC

Nasty warning. Not for the squeamish. -Orsm

click to watch video

Macarda Star wrote:
Subject: BIRD!!
Greetings ORSM,If you show this video of my Bird on your site....she promises to get into bondage!??! Please do it....

I'm only posting this is you promise to show us the results. -Orsm

click to watch video
Jason wrote:
Subject: Rehearsal
Rehearsal for the Obama Inauguration Ball
click to watch video

V wrote:
Subject: Rubbish
Rubbish art - Something to think about!

Made me want a cigarette. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father.

"I want to marry your daughter." "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love," says the young man."You see that cow out in the pasture? Well, go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love."

On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope," says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it." Again the boy obliges.

A few minutes later he eturns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet - just one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go do it, too." Once again he obliges and returns.

This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." The boy replies, "Screw your daughter, how much you want for that pig?"

ABBEY BROOKS
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
I urge you to tread gently with this weeks RS. I do this not only out of love but because there may be some elements contained with that'll stay with you for a very, very long time. Check it...

click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine and then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the doctor twice a week." He then took a sip of the wine and threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good!" he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!?" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore..."

YOU LIVE LIKE A PIG!
click for gallery

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.

And, once again they enjoy each other, but as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

ORSM VIDEO


And that dudes brings us to the end of the penultimate update for the year. Fuck yeah! But before you go...

- Check out the site archives. Why wouldn't you?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Did I mention LAST ONE FOR THE YEAR!?!?!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get very upset and tell you to "go fuck yourself you fat cunt".
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't drink and drive, dickhead. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.12.04-23.45
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. If you don't start showing some peace, love, and unity, I'll break your fucking face.

Orsm surfers! I need to enlist YOUR help. One of my good mates [an actual real life mate - not just someone I pay for friendship] is up for Cosmo's Hottest Bar Tender so if you guys can find it in your hearts to go here and click 'vote for me' that would be fucking great! If Brett wins he's promised to shout me drinks for all of next year so be a good guy, click here, and help us both out!

Well it's official. There's no longer enough hours in the day. I can't quite figure out what's happened but ever since gaylight saving kicked in I've pretty much lost the plot as far as my daily routine goes. Shit is all fucked up. The days feel longer -obviously- but in a way opposite to how it should be. For instance, if I normally work say six hours past sunset then with the time change it should be five hours... and then minus a couple more with the summer sun setting later... right? So how come it feels like there's still six hours after dark? Dark City comes to fruition is how...

It's not all bad though I admit - there have been a couple of days where the extra sunlight has been beneficial but when you spend four or five out of seven nights strapped to the PC those benefits are limited. That could very well explain my aversion to daylight saving - jealousy... of all the fuckers out there lapping it up.

Moving on... every single year I blog some delusional shit about not falling into the last minute Christmas shopping trap. Too many people, parking hassles etc make my blood boil but here we are yet again three weeks out and this is literally the first time I've thought about it. Next step is to figure out who I have to get a present for, troll through countless junk mail catalogues, surf the net and ultimately spend more on everyone else than I'll get back.

Add to that, people tend to flip out. Some of you are already nodding. You know what I'm talking about. The pressure of the holiday season comes crashing down - who, what, when, where, how and why Christmas Day issues undoubtedly arise, arguments begin breaking out left, right and centre and before you know it everyone's on edge. And that ladies and gents is the next three weeks of my life...

Next up... can someone explain the Ellen DeGeneres 'phenomenon' to me please? For some reason they've stuck her piece of shit show on late nite TV and I always find myself channel surfing past it right when she goes into dance mode. Firstly, why does she dance? It's embarrassing. As a human being I'm embarrassed about what other species think of us when they see that. Secondly and most importantly, why do the retards in the audience go fucking spastic for it? It's an unattractive lesbian wobbling her skinny legs around, uncannily reminiscent of a giraffe on acid. My only wish is that I one day get to meet her so I can deliver the long overdue punch in the face we all so badly want to give her.

Alright dudes that's enough of that. Whilst most of you are likely disappointed and could happily continue reading the superb blogging I'm so well known for, pulling back the veil on society as I do, it's time to get cracking' on the third last update for 2008. Oh and FYI this is going to come close to the best update EVER. It's huge. Massive. Bigger than my friend Ray's ego. Soooooo... check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Clit Piercing - Go Tribal - Porn Buddies - Aria Giovanni - Gimme Titties - Keeley Hazell - Rick Rolled!! - Bubble Butt

Party Gurls - Giving Head - Boobie Flash - Dude WTF!? - Fuckable Maid - Go Topless - Dry Beaver - Dirty Lil' Chica

Gorgeous Blonde - Sexy Selena - Sexy Selena - Fun Revenge - Brit Hotness - Chubby GGW - Man Bra - Bike Hero

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
--
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mum is it?!"
--
A vicar checks-in to a hotel and says to the hotel clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replies, "No... It's just regular porn you sick bastard!"
--
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

ORSM VIDEO

PUN INTENDED

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
25. Orsm cooks carrots and pees in the same pot.

MEMPHIS MONROE
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DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELER

DECEMBER 8
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So Romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

DECEMBER 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

DECEMBER 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a Disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much Snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

DECEMBER 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

DECEMBER 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

DECEMBER 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

DECEMBER 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but Stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

DECEMBER 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

DECEMBER 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

DECEMBER 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

DECEMBER 24
6 inches - snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

DECEMBER 25
Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in the idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

DECEMBER 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

DECEMBER 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

DECEMBER 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

DECEMBER 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

DECEMBER 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

DECEMBER 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

JANUARY 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese guy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return..."

CANON DESTRUCTION - WHAT A WASTE!
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Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his work Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

"I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! "

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?" His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!"

WOULD YOU LIKE A FACIAL WITH THAT?
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READER MAIL
Critical error last week on my behalf. Not doing the mail bag had the somehow unforseen effect of doubling what I had to sort through this week. Whodathunkit? There is an upside however - RM is bulging and it's a beauty so without further ado, and without casually reminding you that not submitting something to Orsm is a unforgivable, cardinal sin punishable by severe public shaming, let's play. Check it...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: smokers
hiya. long time viewer, first time email-er. I was just reading on your site about the poly who wants to ban smoking just about everywhere, well I have some news for that ignorant bitch, did you know there is not one accredited study that proves second hand smoking harms ANYONE, the study that all the anti smoking groups use as there main ammunition is an American study done by the FDA back in the nineties, this study was thrown out by the high court as an inaccurate alarmist incomplete study, that used false facts and twisted the real facts to show that second hand smoke is BAD because politicians at the time were under pressure from lobby groups to ban smoking. show me a good old CSIRO study done properly and I will shut up. I am not saying it is good for people and I never smoke around children full stop, but people need to get there facts straight before they infringe on my rights to have a smoke. and anyone can feel free to correct me if I am wrong. but before they tell me about any other study they have read they had better make sure its not just some carbon copy of the FDA one. because most government around the world have just taken that study and put there seal on it and passed it as fact.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Love Letter for rudd
Re.Net Filtering. Rudd Your a fucking Genius.this is not a communist dictatorship go back to china.No1. Parents Need to take the responsibility.Ya Dont want to look after your kids Dont have em For fuck sake. No2. When i was at School Reading and swapping the porn mags with my mates it gave us a healthy respect of beautiful woman even if they were our mums age. Boys Will Be boys. Its A new Age the computer age,DESENSITIZED by war games "UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU". (Any ways in my RECOLLECT IT WAS THE boys THAT Needed TO BE PROTECTED FROM THE GIRLS NASTY LITTLE CREATURES) Thanks God.No 3.The Internet is Monitored by said agencies to keep an eye out to identify / locate and detain the scum bags of this world people we use to be able to shoot, Thanks AGAIN Johnny Howard. What a fucking great idea turn a monitored open information source into a restricted un monitored source send it under ground create a labyrinth OF FILTH supported by good decent citizens wanting there freedoms that the Scum bags Will happily pollute and hide in, Kids Will be Kids and Probably Know more than you or i do any ways. Not to forget the political side for filtering hear no evil see no evil. Yet another triumphant idealistic proposition Brought to you By the Australian Government. Ps. I support Number plates for the front of motor cycles, why not 20 million people in Aussie we can sacrifice a few for decapitation. Signed Get off My front Lawn. The opinionated Guinness and whiskey Drinker. Great site been randomising brains for years keep it up orsm.

LWG wrote:
Subject: Chin Chan - Random Shite
Hey, In the latest Random Shite you linked an image of a girl known (on the web) as Chin Chan, famous for her lack of chin. A year ago or so I tried to make a character in the video game Oblivion that looks like her. Here's the result. I've always enjoyed sharing that. In case you're curious, here's some additional info on Chin Chan.

Michael wrote:
Subject: Crazy
This story is too crazy to not be true... this happened to my uncle last weekend. Mark's truck was stolen on Saturday night... He called the police to report it. They asked if there was GPS or a cell phone in the car. Yes, a cell phone. They used the cell networks to find the neighborhood of the car....then saw it at a drive through at McDonald's. The cops called the phone; the woman answered! Will you please get out of the car....you're under arrest. The car was caught between two others in the drive-through. No place to go. As the cop said...."We got lucky." So, the thief ended up with a big mac, some chicken strips and 4 years in the slammer...

Tony wrote:
Subject: Boat
hey orsm, you dont see this everyday. taken outside my house in alfred cove w.a on sunday arvo! kind of thing you want fixed asap but unfortunately it was stuck there for a few hours keep up the good site

Judges awarded high marks for keeping the vessel upright and pointing straight. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Garry White Shark
G'day Mr Orsm, Some shots of a 'baby great white' off Tathra Wharf. This is where that poor bloke and his kids drowned this week. Just goes to show what else lies beneath.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mommy in space
I took this image of the NASA stream. There are a few people in it, but can you spot the mommy ? Thx for an awesome site !! and please withhold my personal info ;)

I'm almost ashamed to say it but this actually made me laugh. -Orsm

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Troy wrote:
Subject: Somalian pirate
You may have heard about the somalian pirates in the news well after some research I've managed to track a picture of one down.

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Steve wrote:
Subject: Submission
Hey, I pooped today and it was pretty big. My anus hurts now. Here's a pic of it, enjoy.

What a load of shit... -Orsm

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Liam wrote:
Subject: cool snap
Orsm, here is a photo of a beer i had the other night, it looked happy i was drinking it ?

Optimist? -Orsm

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Craig wrote:
Subject: WHAT DOES THE EU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS?
Beware of the pictures - they are pretty gross, but I believe this is disgusting and one of the worst acts of our so called human race. While it may seem incredible, even today this custom continues, in Dantesque, in the Faroe Islands, ( Denmark ). A country supposedly 'civilized' and an EU country at that. For many people this attack to life is unknown a custom to 'show' entering adulthood. It is absolutely atrocious. No one does anything to prevent this barbarism being committed against the Calderon, a highly intelligent dolphin that is placid, and approaches humans out of friendliness. Circulate this. Make this atrocity known and hopefully stopped.

Have we had this before? I vaguely recall something about this being in the best interest of the dolhpins...? -Orsm

cunnox wrote:
Subject: World's quickest Roller
i really think that this guys has way too much money,but i like it,like it alot......
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Don't try and rob a Cop
Hey Orsm, A perfect example of how guns don't kill people! Off duty cops with good aim kill people who need killin! Three armed felons tried to rob an El Paso,Texas Police Officer (he's in civilian clothes) in front of a bank. The plan was to grasp his back pack and get away on a stolen motorcycle. The well prepared Police Officer shot all of them, managing to kill 2 at the scene. The 3rd one was shot in both arms. Gun used: a .40 cal pistol. Nice grouping.
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G wrote:
Subject: Re: erotic play visiting from L.A.
Hey Mr Orsm, some skank from the internet posing as a hottie from LA sent me these pics but cracked the shits with me when i said i couldn't make it. Still undecided if she was worth $250. Maybe the readers could venture their own opinions and i wonder if anyone else made contact with her? Just hold back my email please. Cheers

Liz wrote:
Subject: Re: erotic play visiting from L.A.
I enjoy mutual fun, and satisfaction -into gfe (girlfriend experience) kissing, mutual oral (B.J. w/out condom - provided that you are healthy) - On the kinkier side.. I enjoy sensual dome - sub or switch (no pain) spanking and hair pull.. ok ; ) mutual golden showers, and strap-on play, ass play all good, including ass fucking and mutual rimming. I am 5'8, blond hair, blue eyes, shaved pussy. Clean, sane, enjoy a connection,  in call - nice condo on Spring street. I am visiting from LA and am in Melbourne only until this Saturday the 29th. Here are some photos of me, all recent.  I ask for a 250 donation to contribute towards the "trip" down-under ; ) Let me know if that works for you - by e mail so that we can exchange numbers and set up a time to get together.

Carl wrote:
Subject: RS
Saw you had some pictures from the Houston Texas Renaissance festival recently. Thought I would send a few more including the chain mail fashion parade that happens every day at 12, Some look great, some .. But everyone has fun. Keep up the great work, love it
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H.K. Phooey wrote:
Subject: The cool dog
I took you cool dog pic, started a thread in nasioc.com and well magic happened. Enjoy. Thanks as always,

Original here. -Orsm

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.:MikoAngelo:. wrote:
Subject: Some art you might like by a Girl who digs your site!!!
Dear ORSM! I'm writing from the US to tell you your site rocks! I guess it's a bit strange a girl likes your site but I mean, come on, this stuff is great! Anyways, thought I'd send you some of my drawings...Rikku from FFX/FFX-2 and Cthulu as a woman...something THAT evil has to be, right?  All women are evil, it's just some of realize our potential later in life;) Ciao! And thanks for keeping me entertained!
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Rodger with a "D" wrote:
Subject: northern manitoba, Canada
Been following your site for a few years now.Look forward to Thursday each week.I would like to share these pix with the rest of the world.

The last pic is amazing! Look how big the fucker is!! -Orsm

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Shane wrote:
Subject: Fucking bugs
Thanks - Great effort this week. Can't wait for Thursday's. I live in Mpumalanga South Africa and the "Herbs" grow wild in the bush. I am a nature lover and took a few snaps of the plants and flowers around my home. The bugs on a cannabis leaf is the greatest. My first wife died of poison mushrooms, two years later my second wife died of poison mushrooms I'm going to shoot my current wife because she won't eat her mushrooms. Attached are the photo's. Keep up the good work.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hello Mr. Orsm, This is my first ever contribution to your site and I think I have something quite interesting. This video was taken at Killarney race track in Cape Town during final race of the season for superbikes. We had setup our bakkie (loaded with dop-en-tjops) right behind main straight were speeds of 250km/h are reached. Then I noticed something floating around on track. Could have been quite painful had one of the bikers connected at full speed. Please leave out my info..
click to watch video
Bill wrote:
Subject: BBQ Incident
It's that time of year now where we start up the BBQ and have a few drinks with friends. Be safe when operating your BBQ this Christmas. I have attached some pictures to what can happen around a BBQ. Be Safe. Cheers.
click to view

Doug wrote:
Subject: pussy eating vid
Here is a short vid of my gf and a friend.I was taking pictures and switched over to video mode for a minute.Enjoy.I sure did!

10/10. You win a years supply of my undying love. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

BAD DAY
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister who shared it with the world...

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

JAMIE HAMMER
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RANDOM SHITE
RS came very close to being renamed Random Awesomeness this week. That's not because RS is so good, it's because I am. Trust me I really am. The heroin junkie who lives down the road told me and I really, REALLY value his opinion. Sure he may not have a job, teeth or have achieved anything with his life but he must know what he's talking about because he takes drugs. Check it...

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20 RULES IN ANY OFFICE

1. The Boss is ALWAYS right.
2. If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

ORSM VIDEO

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you".

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!?"

CAPTURE THE MOMENT
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A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road.

The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race." The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man make another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters." The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. She comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"

EVEN MORE ORSM VIDEO


Well that's it dudes. Murder she wrote. And now for the closing credits...

- Check out the site archives. Quick! You don't have much longer before the big, mean Aussie government censors them forever!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Because more important to me than my family, friends and health is hitting those Thursday deadlines.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell Santa and you'll get NOTHING for Christmas.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and engagement congrats JB & C and P & A. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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