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December 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.12.18-18.51

Welcome to bang I just stuck it up your bum. 

In some ways it's stupid to have pumped out an update of this size. Whilst the servers have been upgraded over the past few months there is probably just too much in this one to withstand hundreds of thousands of deviants inhaling it all at once. But that's probably okay because I'm out of here for at least a couple of weeks so you'll have plenty of time to do exactly that.


It's been a depressing end to 2014 for Aussies. Firstly, a few weeks ago there was the death of cricketer Phil Hughes who took a ball to the head, collapsed and died a few days later. A freak accident that was milked for all that it was worth by the fucktarded media. Second was a little boy who wandered out the front door of his home and vanished. People came from everywhere to assist the search before his body was found the following morning in a nearby lake. Every parent's worst nightmare and just so incredibly sad. Finally was the siege in Sydney earlier this week which we all heard (and no doubt have an opinion) about. I read that technically it satisfies the criteria to be classified a terrorist event but it realistically this was little more than mentally defective human garbage hiding behind religion... but what else is new? I remember scoffing at how sick and disturbed someone must be to send hate letters to families of dead soldiers. Hardly a shock when it was the same guy. We can only hope that his death was painful.

Thankfully my year wasn't terrible. Not compared to the previous 12 months anyway. Many lessons were learned and I'm looking forward to 2015 being a tad more relaxed. Tried hard not to harp on but I worked like a slave for almost all of it. 7 days, 4 nights and over 100 hours a week has just become the norm and it sucked. Have literally gone from one thing to the next. There was barely ever an opportunity to just chill out, see mates or even sit on the couch and watch a movie without falling asleep within minutes. Was all for something though - after god knows how long we finally finished building and are into our new home; something I'll never do again because a) the stress, b) its exhausting, c) relationship strain.

While all this was going on the GF was busy growing a baby so picking up the slack was punishing on occasion... maybe not quite so much as actually having the baby to look after though. She's about to hit 5 months and demands seem to increase by the day. A holiday certainly wouldn't go astray right now which is lucky because if you're reading this it means the Christmas break is underway. Speaking of which, we did sneak in a couple of escapes when no one was looking - Melbourne for a week early in the year and almost 2 weeks in Bali for the 'babymoon'... aka a stupid name for we need to GTFO of here for a bit.

As for Orsm... was definitely a tough road and you guys perhaps had your fair share of frustrations with a few things. I assure you much sleep was lost trying to work that shit out. Adding insult to injury the phone has rung frequently or I've often had to run off and do something or find a thingy or see someone or whatever which makes pumping out updates to a schedule ridiculously challenging. No Reader Mail all year was the unintended side effect of this but you guys will be happy to know I have an folder with well over 500 insanely awesome submissions waiting to be posted. And that's my goal for January - to post as many of them as possible. Beyond that Orsm will hit 15 years old and I'm starting to think long and hard about where things go from here. Feel free to suggest away!

Alright lets to get to the numbers. I tampered with the tracking code back in June. Still remains to be seen if I fixed or broke it but can milk enough info out to know that the majority of Orsm visitors come from the US and Australia. The busisest update was at the start of November. Also I'm glad everyone listened last year when I said to switch to Chrome browser - way more of you are using it than IE and FF. The top 5 most popular galleries were as follows:

Almost completely unsurprisingly the top 5 most smashed videos were all porn. You can enjoy them again by clicking the thumbs:

Also huge thank you to all contributors. I've fucking sucked at replying to email this year but do read everything that comes my way... eventually. Will try and be better in future or perhaps implement a different way for people to contribute. And finally a cheers to everyone who surfed on by. There'd be no point to all this if it weren't for you guys so keep coming, I'll keep updating.  

Alright. As mentioned above this update is stupid in size. Weeks of work go into a good Christmas update and this one has that little bit something extra - vids in the triple digits, images well beyond that. There's enough here to keep even the complainers occupied and amused so with that in mind... go forth and check it...

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DistanceThis Is A Historic Moment For Mankind And Your Time To Shine - Post Mortem73 Pre And Post Mortem Photographs - Say What?The Ebonics Dialect Is Strong With This Guy... Describing A Shooting In The Dumbest Way Possible - FuckedGorgeous Euro Blonde Cocksucker Fucked Hard - Hot BitchTop 10 Chali XCX Publicity Stunts Involving Her Insane Body - WhoringTetyanae Vryovkina Nips In Mesh Bikini Top - SideboobNice Big Boobs And Some Terrific Sideboob... Because That's Not Too Much To Ask! - Force FedForced To Ride Black Cock - Pop CapsThis Old Indian Dude Aint Playing. He's Pretty Shooting At Fuckers Who Are Looting His Shit - DeepthroatDont Try This At Home If You Are An Unexperienced Deepthroater...

The little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas" and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says "No, I have enough toys". Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter "C-A-N-D-Y". Again the little boy thinks a second and says "No, I have all kinds of candy". "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
When do you stop believing in Santa Claus? When you start getting clothes for Christmas.
Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room".
At my local community centre there is a picture of Santa, only he's black. Made me wonder why they decided to make him black. Then I realised...he only works one day a year and he breaks into people's houses. All the hallmarks really.
The best thing about Christmas is that it offends Muslims...


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-Each year there are approximately 20,000 "rent-a-Santa's" across the United States. These Santa's usually undergo seasonal training on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public. They also receive practical advice, such as not accepting money from parents while children are looking and avoiding garlic, onions, or beans for lunch.
-Norwegian scientists have hypothesized that Rudolph's red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.
-Silent Night was first sung as part of a church service in Austria. A guitar was used because the church organ was so badly rusted it couldn't be played.
-Before Christians decided on December 25 to celebrate the birth of Jesus, several dates were proposed: January 2, March 21, March 25, April 18, April 19, May 20, May 28, and November 20.
-Japanese people traditionally eat at KFC for Christmas dinner, thanks to a successful marketing campaign 40 years ago. KFC is so popular that customers must place their Christmas orders 2 months in advance.
-The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
-In Germany and some other western European countries, St. Nicholas, or Nikolaus comes on the night from the 5th to the 6th of December, where children have their boots all shined and clean in front of a door or window. He will leave toys, nuts oranges, apples and chocolate for the good children. The bad child gets a branch to be used by the parents to beat the offending child.
-Santa Claus has different names in different countries: Sheng Dan Lao Ren in China, Father Christmas in England, Papa Noel in Brazil and Peru and Pere Noel in France.
-An artificial Christmas tree would have to be reused for more than 20 years to be "greener" than buying a fresh-cut tree annually.
-Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone.
-The "true love" mentioned in the song "Twelve Days of Christmas" does not refer to a romantic couple, but the Catholic Church's code for God. The person who receives the gifts represents someone who has accepted that code. For example, the "partridge in a pear tree" represents Christ. The "two turtledoves" represent the Old and New Testaments.
-Guatemalan adults do not exchange Christmas gifts until New Year's Day. Children get theirs on Christmas morning.
-The two biggest selling Christmas songs are "White Christmas" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
-The Nazi party tried to turn Christmas into a nonreligious holiday celebrating the coming of Hitler, with Saint Nicholas replaced by Odin the "Solstice Man" and swastikas on top of Christmas trees.
-The US playing card company 'Bicycle' had manufactured a playing card in WW2. That, when the card was soaked, it would reveal an escape route for POWs. These cards were Christmas presents for all POWs in Germany. The Nazis were none the wiser!
-Most of Santa's reindeer have male-sounding names, such as Blitzen, Comet, and Cupid. However, male reindeers shed their antlers around Christmas, so the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh are likely not male, but female or castrati.
-In North America, children put stockings out at Christmas time. Their Dutch counterparts use shoes.
-The smallest Christmas card was made by scientists at the University of Glasgow in the United Kingdom in 2010. At only 200 x 290 micrometres in size, 8,276 of these cards would fit in one postage stamp.
-The people of Oslo, Norway donate the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree every year in gratitude to the people of London for their assistance during WWII.
-According to the Guinness world records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir that was displayed in 1950 at the Northgate Shopping Center in Seattle.
-The traditional three colours of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth; red symbolises the blood of Christ, and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty.
-When visiting Finland, Santa leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko. Finnish folklore has it that Ukko is made of straw, but is strong enough to carry Santa Claus anyway.
-The most expensively dressed Christmas tree was valued at $11,026,900 and was displayed by the Emirates Palace in the UAE.
-During the Christmas of 2010, the Colombian government covered jungle trees with lights. When FARC guerrillas (terrorists) walked by, the trees lit up and banners asking them to lay down their arms became visible. 331 guerrillas re-entered society and the campaign won an award for strategic marketing excellence.
-According to data analysed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. Christmas Day is the least favourite day for breakups.
-When distributing gifts in Holland, St. Nicholas is accompanied his servant, Black, who is responsible for actually dropping the presents down their recipients' chimneys. He also punishes bad children by putting them in a bag and carrying them away to Spain.
-The largest artificial Christmas tree measures 170.6 feet and can be found in Brazil.
-Nearly all of the most popular Christmas songs including 'Winter Wonderland', 'Chestnuts roasting', and 'I'm Dreaming of a white Christmas' were written by Jews.
-Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low. The highest rates are during spring.
-In Syria, Christmas gifts are distributed by one of the Wise Men's camels. The gift-giving camel is said to have been the smallest one in the Wise Men's caravan.
-The largest Christmas star ornament measures 103 feet and eight inches tall and can be found in India.
-All letters addressed to Santa in the United States go to Santa Claus, Indiana.
-The world's largest Christmas stocking measured 106 feet and 9 inches (32.56 m) long and 49 feet and 1 inch (14.97 m) wide. It weighed as much as five reindeer and held almost 1,000 presents. It was made by the Children's Society in London on December 14, 2007.
-One town in Indiana is called Santa Claus. There is also a Santa, Idaho.
-The most lights lit on simultaneously on a Christmas tree is 194,672 and was achieved in Belgium last year.
-During the Christmas of 1914 (WWI), a truce was held between Germany and the UK. They decorated their shelters, exchanged gifts across no man's land and played a game of football between themselves.
-Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
-The popular Christmas song "Jingle Bells" was actually written for Thanksgiving. The song was composed in 1857 by James Pierpont, and was originally called "One Horse Open Sleigh".
-Although now mostly vegetarian, in Victorian times, mince pies were made with beef and spices.
-In 1867, a Boston industrialist heard Charles Dickens read A Christmas Carol and was so moved he closed his factory on Christmas Day and gave every one of his employees a turkey.
-In Poland, spiders or spider webs are common Christmas trees decorations because according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for Baby Jesus. In fact, Polish people consider spiders to be symbols of goodness and prosperity at Christmas.
-Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. It refers to merely "wise men".
-There are 364 gifts mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
-Ancient peoples, such as the Druids, considered mistletoe sacred because it remains green and bears fruit during the winter when all other plants appear to die. Druids would cut the plant with golden sickles and never let it touch the ground. They thought it had the power to cure infertility and nervous diseases and to ward off evil.
-Carols began as an old English custom called wassailing, toasting neighbours to a long life.
-The Boxing Day holiday was originally celebrated in England for the servants to the rich people. After Christmas the servants "boxed up" all the left-overs from the rich people and took them home.
-The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67.


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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning".

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of".

The second guy says "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures".

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning... intercourse or golf course...?' She said "Don't forget your hat!".


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Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy store in the city. I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter. They were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine.

Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.

"Hey, Lennie" I cried "I hadn't realised you collected dolls". "I don't" he replied laughing. "Really?" I queried "Then you must be buying a Christmas present then?"

"No, not at all, my friend" responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily.

"If you don't mind my asking then Lennie" I said "Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?"

"Oh that" he giggled. "It's like this, my mate" he mused "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue".


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-According to the UNICEF there are 2,106 million children under age 18 in the world. If there are on average 2.5 children per household, Santa would have to make 842 million stops on Christmas Eve, traveling 221 million miles. To reach all 842 million stops, Santa would need to travel between houses in 2/10,000 second, which means he would need to accelerate 12.19 million miles (20.5 billion meters) per second on each stop. The force of this acceleration would reduce Santa to salsa.
-It is said that candy canes were invented by a candy maker in Indiana. He wanted to use them to spread the name Jesus around the world.-Mistletoe kissing originated with fertility rites. The hanging sprig is a very ancient symbol of virility and therefore anybody standing beneath it is signalling that he or she is sexually available.
-America's official national Christmas tree is located in King's Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the "General Grant Tree" is over 90 meters (300 feet) high, and was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.
-There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
-Some zoos take donated Christmas trees and use them to feed their animals.
-Because they viewed Christmas as a decadent Catholic holiday, the Puritans in America banned all Christmas celebrations from 1659-1681 with a penalty of five shillings for each offense. Some Puritan leaders condemned those who favoured Christmas as enemies of the Christian religion.
-The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25, AD 336 in Rome.
-Nearly 60 million Christmas trees are grown each year in Europe.
-Charles Dickens grew up during a 'Little Ice Age' - it snowed for each of his first 8 Christmases, influencing his writing and hence today's tradition of a 'White Christmas'.
-Early illustrations of St. Nicholas depict him as stern, commanding, and holding a birch rod. He was more a symbol of discipline and punishment than the jolly, overweight elf children know today.
-Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones in the US since 1991.
-Biblical scholars believe Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable.
-Mormon missionaries can only call home twice a year: once on Mother's Day and again on Christmas.
-In Greece, Italy, Spain and Germany, workers get a Christmas bonus of one month's salary by law.
-Christmas stockings allegedly evolved from three sisters who were too poor to afford a marriage dowry and were therefore doomed to a life of prostitution. They were saved however when the wealthy Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna (the precursor to Santa Claus) crept down their chimney and generously filled their stockings with gold coins.
-St. Nicholas was bishop of the Turkish town in the early 4th century. The Dutch first made him into a Christmas gift-giver, and settlers brought him to America where his name eventually became the familiar Santa Claus.
-The chances of a white Christmas is Australia is pretty much 0.
-Telling "scary ghost stories" is an old Christmas Eve tradition that has died out in the past century.
-95% of all Americans celebrate Christmas (only 75% of the U.S. is Christian), and just 51% of the holiday's celebrators consider it a "strongly religious" holiday.
-President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.
-In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce and spinach.
-Many theologians estimate that Jesus wasn't born sometime in September between 6BC and 30AD.
-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen is the only record to get the UK Christmas Singles Chart Number One twice, once in 1975 and again in 1991.
-It is estimated that the single "White Christmas" by Irving Berlin is the bestselling single of all time, with over 100 million sales worldwide.
-Christmas has different meanings around the world; Christmas Eve in Japan is a good day to eat fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.
-In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world's biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.
-Engineers designing the Voyager Space mission planned it to avoid planetary encounters over Thanksgiving and Christmas.
-Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor.
-There are approximately 21,000 Christmas tree farms in the United States. In 2008, nearly 45 million Christmas trees were planted, adding to the existing 400 million trees.
-Alabama was the first US state to recognise Christmas as an official holiday, and the tradition began in 1836. Oklahoma was the last to declare it a legal holiday, in 1907.


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-Paul McCartney earns $400,000 a year off his Christmas song, which is widely regarded as the worst song he ever recorded.
-The first person to decorate a Christmas tree was reportedly the Protestant reformer Martin Luther (1483-1546). According to legend, he was so moved by the beauty of the stars shining between the branches of a fir tree, he brought home an evergreen tree and decorated it with candles to share the image with his children.
-Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was invented for a US firm's Christmas promotion in 1938.
-In 1647, the English parliament passed a law making Christmas illegal. The Puritan leader Oliver Cromwell, who considered feasting and revelry on what was supposed to be a holy day to be immoral, banned the Christmas festivities. The ban was lifted only when Cromwell lost power in 1660.
-The largest Christmas cracker, 45.72m long and 3.04m in diameter, was pulled in Australia in 1991.
-Did you know that giving presents were once banned by the Catholic Church? It was believed that gift giving was connected to paganism.
-Approximately 30-35 million real Christmas trees are sold each year in the US.
-Franklin Pierce was the first president to decorate an official White House Christmas tree.
-The long shopping spree before Christmas began in America when relatives of soldiers posted overseas in the Second World War were encouraged to mail gifts early.
-Do you know why we say the Twelve Days of Christmas? It is believed that it took the 3 kings 12 days to find baby Jesus.
-The highest-grossing festive movie is 2000's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, which has raked in $345M to date.
-Christmas is a contraction of "Christ's Mass," which is derived from the Old English Cristes mæsse (first recorded in 1038). The letter "X" in Greek is the first letter of Christ, and "Xmas" has been used as an abbreviation for Christmas since the mid-1500s.
-Christmas Crackers were invented around 1846 by Tom Smith who developed them for Christmas from the French habit of wrapping sugared almonds in twists of paper as gifts.
-Jingle Bells was the first song broadcast from space when Gemini 6 astronauts sang it on December 16, 1965.
-Many years ago in England a traditional Christmas dinner included a pig head served with mustard.
-Commissioned by Sir Henry Cole, British illustrator John Callcott Horsley invented the first Christmas card in 1843.
-The Canadian province of Nova Scotia leads the world in exporting lobster, wild blueberries and Christmas trees.
-Astronomers believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wise men to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.
-The tradition of naughty children getting a lump of coal in their stocking comes from Italy.
-Christmas purchases account for 1/6 of all anual retail sales in the US.
-Roast turkey did not appear consistently on royal Christmas Day menus until 1851 when it replaced roast swan. The medieval dish of Boar's head remained popular with Royals for much longer.
-Upside-down artificial Xmas trees are sold to allow more gifts to be piled under.
-Tinsel was once made from real silver. It was invented in Germany in 1610.
-In the Czech Republic they enjoy dinners of fish soup, eggs and carp. The number of people at the table must be even, or the one without a partner will die next year.
-December 25 was originally a pagan celebration. Nobody knows when Jesus of Nazareth was born and nobody celebrated his birthday for hundreds of years.
-Electric Christmas lights were first used in 1854.
-Christmas pudding was originally a soup made with raisins and wine.
-There are two islands named Christmas. Christmas Island (formerly Kiritimati) in the Pacific Ocean and Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean.
-"We Wish You a Merry Christmas" was originally a threat. The ever-popular song was originally sung, loudly and repeatedly, by crowds of rowdy, lower-class servants demanding booze from their masters... or else.
-Many parts of the Christmas tree can actually be eaten, with the needles being a good source of Vitamin C.

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As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.

Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.


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-What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink? Bourneville and Dean.
-What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut.
-What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
-What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? Russell.
-What do you call a man with a pole through his leg? Rodney.
-Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? He's a fun guy to be with.
-Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? Because the Bible says He Brews.
-What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
-On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
-What kind of paper likes music? Rapping paper.
-What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake.
-What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
-Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
-What's furry and minty? A polo bear.
-How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.
-Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
-What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
-What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
-Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can 'ho ho ho'!
-Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
-What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
-What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws!
-Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!
-What do you call a dog who works for Santa? Santa Paws!
-What do you call Father Christmas in the beach? Sandy Clause!
-What did the sea Say to Santa? Nothing! It just waved!
-What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm!
-What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
-Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
-What says Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards!
-What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door!
-Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it 'soots' him!
-Who is Santa's favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!
-What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses!
-What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
-What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
-Where does Santa go when he's sick? To the elf centre!
-Where do elves go to dance? Christmas Balls!
-What do elves eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!
-What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling? An elfcicle!
-What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train? Platforms!
-What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? Krisp Kringle!
-Who is Santa Claus married to? Mary Christmas!
-How long do a reindeers legs have to be? Long enough so they can touch the ground!
-What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments!
-Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
-What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose? Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
-Why did the Rudolph cross the road? Because he was tied to the chicken!
-Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken!
-What happened to the turkey at Christmas? It got gobbled!
-Why did the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks!
-What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
-What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
-How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.
-What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!
-What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
-Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
-What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
-How many letters are in the angelic alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
-What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful!
-What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross Mouse Cards!
-What is the best Xmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
-How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
-How did Scrooge with the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!
-What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!
-What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas? Excemas!
-What's the most popular Christmas wine? "I don't like Brussels sprouts!"
-Why do ghosts live in the fridge? Because it's cool!
-What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
-What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!
-Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
-What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of? You!
-What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake? Your teeth!
-What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells!
-Where would you find chili beans? At the North Pole!


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-Why don't penguins fly? Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
-What do sheep say at Christmas? A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
-What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
-Which football team did the baby Jesus support? Manger-ster United!
-What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky donkey!
-How do hedgehogs make love? Very carefully.
-What did the Policeman say to the stomach? You're under a vest
-Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet.
-What wobbles and flies? A Jelly-copter.
-What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off.
-What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
-"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud". "Yes sir, it's fresh ground".
-What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
-Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
-What has four legs but can't walk? A table!
-Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flatmate!
-What goes up and never comes down? Your age.
-What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.
-What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
-What's brown, steams and comes out of Cowes? The Isle of Wight ferry.
-What do you call a man that plays with leaves? Russel!
-What is the definition of an American Bra? One yank and it's off.
-What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.
-What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
-Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? He's a fungi to be with.
-Who was England's first chiropodist? William the Corncurer.
-Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? Because the Bible says He Brews.
-What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
-On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
-What do elves learn at school? The elf-abet.
-What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
-Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
-How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.
-Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
-What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
-Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.
-Why are chocolate buttons rude? Because they are Smarties in the nude.
-How do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it.
-What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
-What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
-What's red and white and black all over? Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.
-Where do Snow-women like to dance? At Snowballs.
-What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs? Someday my prince will come.
-What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
-What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws!
-Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught!
-What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
-What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of? You!
-How do you stop a skunk smelling? Hold its nose!
-What's tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris? The trifle tower!
-Which country has the largest appetite? Hungary!
-What do spacemen play in their spare time? Astronauts and crosses!
-Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws
-What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!
-What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
-How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
-Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.
-What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause!
-Why does Santa like to work in the garden? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
-Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? Because he had no body to go with.
-Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
-What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.
-What do you call a skeleton detective? Inspector Columbones.
-What do ghosts eat at Christmas? Ghoulash.
-Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.
-Why don't ducks tell jokes when they're flying? Because they'd quack up.
-What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep-pan, crisp and even.
-What do you call someone that's scared of Santa? Claustrophobic.
-What athlete is the warmest at Christmas? A long jumper.
-What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
-What says 'Oh-Oh-Oh'? Santa walking backwards.
-Why did the snowman come first at the Winter Olympics? There was snow competition.
-Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because of his poor elf.
-What's the best Christmas present you could receive? A broken drum, you just can't beat it.
-What award goes to designers of doorknockers? A no bell prize.
-What do you get if you cross a lion with snow? Frostbite.


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A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says "A FUCKING swingset!" Santa says "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says "A FUCKING sandbox for the side yard!" Santa says "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says "I want a FUCKING trampoline in the front yard".

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune!"

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.

His father says "What's wrong, son?" The kid says "Santa brought me a FUCKING dog, but I can't find him...?"



-1 x cup water
-1 x cup sugar
-4 x large eggs
-2 x cup dried fruit
-1 x tsp. baking soda
-1 x tsp. salt
-1 x cup brown sugar
-lemon juice
-1 x FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
13. Check the whiskey.
14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
16. Grease the oven.
17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
19. Throw the bowl out the window.
20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

And with that folks, I am done, done and done. Hopefully this update tickled everything you needed tickled.

I hope you all have a good Christmas too. Drink some beer, nom some motherfucking eggs and manage to avoid your families. God knows that what I'll be doing.

-Check out the site archives. It beats recieving shitty, unwanted presents.
-Next update will be next Thursday... just kidding. Don't expect to see anything until at least the 1st of Jan (but more likely the 8th).
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give your kids unsafe and recalled toys for Christmas.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it safe on the roads. The person you hurt may be someone I know and I won't like that. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.12.11-18.37

Welcome to idiot cunt.

The annoying part of this year and even more so the past few months is how everything update related keeps getting pushed further and further back. There isn't so much a strict schedule when it comes to slapping what you're reading together however things should be done by a certain time to stay roughly on track for a Thursday afternoon or early evening finish. Basically a self-imposed milestone system which makes it easy to work out when its necessary to drop a bomb or okay to slack off. The problem lately is its gone completely out the window with milestones almost routinely missed. With what's starting to feel like frequent interruptions from a multitude of oblivious interrupters, its been impossible to maintain anything that resembles the schedule which means every minute is a dropping a bomb minute. God wouldn't it be fucking awesome to steer things back to the glory days when Orsm was just starting out: updates every second Thursday, slept in til midday and at least a couple of days a week just watching pirated DVD's with mates. And no I wasn't a stoner.

Anyway with all this insanity in mind, a foggy and exhausted mind, I'm going to use the rest of this section today to post a bunch of short jokes because my ability to conjure something worth reading about all what's been happening is impaired... like way more than usual impaired. Add to that the second the curtain goes down on this puppy its out the door to wall-mount TV's at a friend house... because it is literally the only time I have to do it between now and whenever [and the prodding (read: subtle harassment) won't stop otherwise!]. Next, I'll be up at half 5 tomorrow to begin dispersing the huge pile of special sand dumped on my front verge before spending the weekend finishing the irrigation system which has been ongoing for a few weeks and then rolling on a buttload of lawn. Someone asked the other day why for all the help I'm so often called upon to give friends and fam, do none of them return the favour. An excellent question that I'll spend the next few days singlehandedly contemplating. In the meantime though you guys should feel free to enjoy what's below. This update an absolute fucking corker and you and your penis or vagina will be very glad to have swung by for a look. Check it...


My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
A teacher asks his pupils "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?" Little Johnny puts his hand up. "One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments". "Very good, Johnny" says the teacher. "And the other?" "Your mum's a cunt".
My wife wanted me to be a bit rougher in bed. Well my new sand paper pyjamas should keep her happy.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No" so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said "'ave ya ever been foocked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said "No". She said "Aye, well yae will be when the tide comes in..."
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night". The next night he came home and shouted "Bell One" and she stripped naked. "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed. "Bell Tree" and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked. She replied "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire!"
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
Mrs Jones sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries at the market. On the way she met some boys who asked her to climb up a tree and get them some fruit of which she did. She bought the groceries and got back home to her mother. Mrs Jones asked "Why did you take so long?" Silvia "I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree and fetch them some fruit". Mrs Jones "Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you to climb up a tree, all they want to see is your underwear. You shouldn't have done it". Silvia "Mother I know, that's why I took them off before climbing up the tree..."

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CringeClueless Hockey Player Answers Question About Nelson Mandela - Deez NutzThug Life: People's Court - Brilliant'Jibbers Crabst': The Oatmeal's Matt Inman Offers Hilarious Alternative To The Theory Of Evolution - Kitty LoveCats Are Evil, Naughty, Mean, Selfish, But Also Incredibly Cute Which Is Why... - SlimeyThis Is The Mission To End All Missions - Real GirlsActual Real Authetic Legitimate Amateur Girls. I Want To Keep Them All! - $100M CatIs Grumpy Cat Worth $100 Million? - U Lose!The 'Ultimate Idiots Fighting Things Compilation' - Tough OnesAre These Questions Really So Hard? - Good To GiveHow eBay Shows Us What The True Meaning Of Christmas Is All About

SlydrsIt Starts Off Simple Enough, But Be Warned... This Is Going To Break You! - SideboobKayla Swift Delivers An Unprecedented Amount Of Sideboob - What A Bod!Teresa Moore Rock Hard Pokies On The Beach - Bad BF'sWatch Assholes Utilising Their GF's As Physical, Emotional And Sexual Punching Bags. - Dead InsideAussie Model Tegan Desmond For Novembre Magazine - Haha FingerFollow The Finger For It Will Deliver You To The Brown - Throatfuck Crazy Rough Throatfuck Gagging Of A Teen Amateur Slut - FlawlessBet You Didn't Know The Japanese Are Gift Wrapping Ninjas - Ikea SexA Day At Ikea Ends With A Mouth Full Of Jizz - BustedMum Comes Home Unexpectedly And Catches Her Daughter Fucking

CargomasterThis Skill Game Will Test You To Your Limits And Beyond - They Gone Out Of Control Bus Smashes Into Three Pedestrians - StretchedBlonde Slut Practices On A Huge Black Dildo Before Taking The Actual Donkey Shlong - Very HotFucking Her Backdoor In The Fucking Backyard - Warthog Death From Above! The Sounds Of The A-10 Warthog Puts The Fear In Enemies - Nude ScenesThe Top 10 Celebrity Nude Scenes Of 2014 - On EdgeThe Quickest Way To Fill Your Pants To The Brim With Shit - Beach NipEla Rose Nip Peek In Mesh Top On The Beach - EroticaKristine Zandmane Makes My Parts Tingle - PlungeVampire Vixen Plunges Her Corn Hole

A recent article in the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that a woman, Maynard, has sued a Philadelphia Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".
"Now then" said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot "I would like to know two things: First: why did you revolt? Second: how did you get out of our cell?" One of the three men stepped forward "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful". "I see. And the cell, what did you use to break the bars?" "Toast" replied the spokesman.
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times" one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me". "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No" he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me". "Was that love?" "No" he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach". "Was that love?" his friend asks. "No" he replies. "That was seasickness".
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy". The blind man replies "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the fuck up!"


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-Every two minutes, we take as many photos as all of humanity took during the 1800s. It's estimated that in 2014, humans will take 880 billion photos. 10% of all the photos ever taken were taken in the past 12 months.
-Google's founders were willing to sell to Excite for under $1 million in 1999 but Excite turned them down.
-Almost every element in your body was made in an exploding star.
-New Mexico State's first graduating class in 1893 had only one student... and he was shot and killed before graduation.
-Oxford University is older than the Aztecs. Teaching started in there as early as 1096, and by 1249, the University was officially founded. The Aztec civilization as we know it began with the founding of Tenochtitlán in 1325.
-In the mid-1980s, Fergie of The Black Eyed Peas was the voice of Charlie Brown's sister Sally.
-The universe might be a hologram.
-The continents look entirely different than you think they do. The map you're used to is more Western-focused and stretches out the size of continents near the poles. Africa and South America are actually way bigger.
-Reed Hastings was inspired to start Netflix after racking up a $40 late fee on a VHS copy of Apollo 13.
-There's a gas cloud in the constellation of Aquila that contains enough alcohol to make 400 trillion, trillion pints of beer.
-Tourettes syndrome became famous from movies that depicts people shouting swear words; but contrary to popular belief only 10 percent suffering from the condition have voice tics.
-If you believe that you're truly one in a million, there are still approximately 7,184 more people out there just like you. Why? Because there are over 7 billion people on the planet right now.
-Marie Curie's notebooks are still radioactive. Researchers hoping to view them must sign a disclaimer.
-There was a third Apple founder. Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake for $800 in 1976.
-Looking at stars is basically looking into the past, because of how long it takes the light from them to reach us.
-Jonas Salk declined to patent his polio vaccine. "There is no patent" he said. "Could you patent the sun?"
-Will Smith is now older than Uncle Phil was at the beginning of The Fresh Prince.
-Only one McDonald's in the world has turquoise arches. Sedona, AZ thought yellow clashed with the natural red rock.
-Mantis shrimp can punch at 80 kilometres per hour.
-The 50-star American flag was designed by an Ohio high school student for a class project. His teacher originally gave him a B-.
-In the span of 66 years, we went from taking flight to landing on the moon.
-According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, the most commonly stolen vehicle in 2012 was the 1994 Honda Accord.
-Humans can't breathe and swallow at the same time.
-Eating carrots might actually be bad for rabbits!
-The famous Aaron Burr "Got Milk?" ad from 1993 was directed by Michael Bay.
-During the ice age, 32,000 years ago, a squirrel buried a seed. Scientists used the seed to grow a flower.

-The United States hasn't even made it into the Top 50 list of longest-lasting empires.
-Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins also wrote for 90's teen sitcom Clarissa Explains It All.
-Inputting your pin backwards in the ATM to call the police does nothing.
-According to Amazon.com, the most highlighted Kindle books are the Bible, the Steve Jobs biography, and The Hunger Games.
-There's a planet where it rains glass, sideways. Better take a good umbrella.
-Having good eyesight is not directly attributed to eating carrots - the information was widely spread by British soldiers in the WW2 to hide their radar capabilities.
-10 percent of the entire world population is still illiterate. Unfortunately certain countries are also skewing the data upwards on this statistic. Nations such as Afghanistan only have a 28 percent literacy rate for the total population.
-When three-letter airport codes became standard, airports that had been using two letters simply added an X.
-A California woman once tried to sue the makers of Cap'n Crunch because Crunch Berries contained "no berries of any kind".
-The world's oceans contain 20 million tons of gold.
-The people from the middle ages already had the information that the world is actually spherical dating back to 300 years BCE when the Greeks calculated it's circumference.
-During WWI, German measles were called "liberty measles" and dachshunds became "liberty hounds".
-If the oceans dried out, the salt left over would cover the continents to a depth of 5 feet.
-You thoroughly enjoy celebrating some pretty dark holidays.
-Just before the Nazis invaded Paris, H.A. and Margret Rey fled on bicycles. They were carrying the manuscript for Curious George.
-Only rarely times did gladiators fight to death. Training and upkeep of Gladiators are expensive so, unlike popular movies or TV series suggest, killing them off frequently just didn't happen.
-Crabs have their own version of the fist pump. Male crabs wave their claws in the air to attract females.
-It has been scientifically proven that the less you know, the more you think you know. Known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, this was proven through a study in which participants take tests of their logical reasoning skills, grammatical skills, and humour, and then estimate their own abilities in those subjects. Those participants who scored in the bottom quartile grossly overestimated their own abilities. Those in the 12th percentile had estimated themselves to be in the 62nd percentile. Overall, they found that incompetent people overestimate their own skill level, fail to recognise the skill of other people and fail to recognise their own inadequacy. Also, as they receive training to improve their skills, incompetent people tend become more aware of their own inabilities.
-There are about 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms in a human body; give or take.
-Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men is used by researchers to attract animals to cameras in the wilderness.
-There is more processing power in a modern calculator than in the computer that landed Apollo 11 on the moon.
-Sean Connery turned down the Gandalf role in Lord of the Rings. "I read the book. I read the script. I saw the movie. I still don't understand it".
-The sun makes up more than 99% of the mass of the solar system.
-E.B. White of Charlotte's Web fame is the "White" of Strunk and White, who wrote The Elements of Style.
-The guidance computer from the Apollo 11 mission ran at 1.024 MHz, about 1/6th of the processing power of a TI-83
-Chock Full o' Nuts coffee does not contain nuts. It's named for a chain of nut stores that the founder converted into coffee shops.
-Beaked whales can hold their breath for over two hours.
-At the height of Rin Tin Tin's fame, a chef prepared him a daily steak lunch. Classical musicians played to aid his digestion.
-In a 2008 survey, 58% of British teens thought Sherlock Holmes was a real guy, while 20% thought Winston Churchill was not.
-There are more cells of bacteria in your body than there are human cells.
-Hyperactive Children are really hyperactive; it does not relate to the consumption of sugar.


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Let's say a guy named Rob is attracted to a woman named Carol. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Carol, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, 'Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'

And then there is silence in the car.

To Carol, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Rob is thinking "Gosh. Six months".

Carol is thinking "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

Meanwhile Rob is thinking "So that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!"

Carol looks at Rob and thinks "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment.

Maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected".

Rob is thinking "I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600".

Watching Rob, Carol thinks "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure".

Rob is still on his train of thought. "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs".

Carol wonders "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy".

Rob is thinking "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."

"Rob" Carol says aloud. "What?" says Rob, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh God, I feel so...."

She breaks down, sobbing.

"What?" says Rob, thoroughly confused. "I'm such a fool" Carol sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse". "There's no horse?" says Rob, perplexed.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" asks Carol. "No!" says Rob, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time" Carol says.

There is a 15-second pause while Rob, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

"Yes" he says.

Carol, deeply moved, touches his hand.

"Oh, Rob, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" asks Rob. "That way about time" says Carol. "Oh" says Rob "Yeah, sure".

Carol turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Rob". she says. "Thank you". Rob replies, unsure what else to say.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Rob gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. This is also Rob's policy regarding world hunger.

The next day Carol will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Rob, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Carol's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say "Ross, did Carol ever own a horse?"


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I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no oncoming traffic.

A car-load of bearded young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half-burned Aussie flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself "Bloody hell! That could have been me!"So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.


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-Lead pencils aren't lead! In fact pencils have always been graphite and confused with lead due to the number of lead poisonings caused by the paint on the pencil.
-At one point in the 1990s, 50% of all CDs produced worldwide were for AOL.
-Ladybirds can fly at speeds up to 60kph.
-Scientists have found a tiny crystal of zircon that is 4.4 billion years old.
-A whole ecosystem lives in your belly button. Scientists found 2,368 different species of bacteria living in belly buttons after swabbing the navels of just 60 people. In that study, 1,458 might have been entirely new to the scientific record.
-In 1999, the U.S. government paid the Zapruder family $16 million for the film of JFK's assassination.
-Contrary to popular belief, some Humans don't swallow any spiders in their lifetime let alone 8.
-Nutella was invented during WWII, when an Italian pastry maker mixed hazelnuts into chocolate to extend his chocolate ration.
-You can listen to what interstellar space sounds like.
-Bulls don't get angry when they see red. Its not the colour red that actually makes them charge, but the flipping of the red cape with the added feeling of being let loose in the ring.
-Tsutomu Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima for work when the first A-bomb hit, made it home to Nagasaki for the second, and lived to be 93.
-It takes a photon, on average, 170,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface. Then it takes just 8 minutes from the sun's surface to your eyes.
-The public's knowledge that MSG is bad for you is actually not based from any study.
-A British man changed his name to Tim Pppppppppprice to make it harder for telemarketers to pronounce.
-A Mars-sized object crashed into Earth 4.5 billion years ago, chipping off a chunk of rock that became the moon, and making the Earth's axis tilt slightly.
-A 2009 search for the Loch Ness Monster came up empty. Scientists did find over 100,000 golf balls.
-Atoms are mostly empty space. If you removed all the empty space from the atoms that make up all the humans on Earth, the remaining mass could fit inside a sugar cube.
-The first pyramids were built while the woolly mammoth was still alive. While most mammoths died out long before civilizations arose, a small populations survived until 1650 BC. By that point, Egypt was halfway through its empire, and the Giza Pyramids were already 1000 years old.
-The Arkansas School for the Deaf's nickname is the Leopards. The Deaf Leopards.
-Adults have fewer bones than babies.
-If your dog's feet smell like corn chips, you're not alone. The term "Frito Feet" was coined to describe the scent.
-France was still executing people by guillotine when Star Wars came out.
-In 2001, Beaver College changed its name to Arcadia in part because anti-porn filters blocked access to the school's website.
-There are about 86 billion neurons in an average human brain.
-Redondo Beach, California adopted the Goodyear Blimp as the city's official bird in 1983.
-Smoking damages your body in minutes, not years as previously believed. A recent study has shown that cancer-causing substances form very rapidly after smoking a first cigarette.
-After Leonardo da Vinci's death, King Francis I of France hung the Mona Lisa in his bathroom.
-Humans can distinguish between at least a trillion smells.
-The medical term for ice cream headaches is sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia.
-Betty White is older than sliced bread. Otto Rohwedder invented the loaf-at-a-time bread slicer in 1928, while Betty White was born in 1922.
-On a 1999 episode of The West Wing, Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from Parks & Rec) played a man lobbying the White House to build a $900 million wolves-only roadway.
-If you shuffle a pack of cards properly, chances are that exact order has never been seen before in the whole history of the universe.
-After OutKast sang "Shake it like a Polaroid picture" Polaroid released a statement that said "Shaking or waving can actually damage the image".
-The sperm who won is not necessarily the fastest, since the egg cell has protective layers that needs several sperms to take down.
-J.P. Morgan once offered $100,000 to anyone who could figure out why his face was so red. No one solved the mystery.
-You can use a blue whale's wax earplug to work out its life history.
-Napoleon was not really short, it was due to measurement confusion between the English and French and the added stature of his bodyguards.
-You can't see as many colours as a chicken. You'll also never see all the beautiful colours of a rainbow.
-How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. But on average, a Licking Machine made at Purdue needed 364.
-Prairie dogs say hello with kisses.
-An orgasm can clear your sinuses.
-If you start counting at one and spell out the numbers as you go, you won't use the letter "A" until you reach 1,000.
-Harvard University was founded before calculus was derived. Harvard is the oldest higher education institution in the US, founded in 1636. Calculus wasn't derived until later in the 17th century.
-There's a basketball court above the Supreme Court. It's known as the Highest Court in the Land.
-Every atom in your body is billions of years old.
-Officials in Portland drained 8 million gallons of water from a reservoir in 2011 because a buzzed 21-year-old peed in it.
-If you're over 45, the world population has doubled in your lifetime.
-Barry Manilow did not write his hit "I Write the Songs".
-There's a type of mollusc called a chiton that can make its own magnetic teeth.
-Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator on The Golden Girls.
-Donald Unger proved that arthritis is not formed to either cracking or not cracking knuckles through sixty years of cracking his left knuckle, while not cracking the right one.
-In the mid-1960s, Slumber Party Barbie came with a book called "How to Lose Weight". One of the tips was "Don't eat".
-Life expectancy has doubled over the last 150 years.
-According to Ohio studies, men does not think about sex every six seconds, it is spread throughout the day with an average of 19 times
-We haven't figured out the secret to immortality, but this jellyfish has. The Turritopsis nutricula can live forever by reverting back to its early stage of life after becoming sexually mature.
-Janis Joplin left $2,500 in her will for her friends to "have a ball after I'm gone".
-Americans spend 38 hours a year stuck in traffic. Washingtonians have it worst with an average of 67 hours a year.
-Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.
-There are whales alive today who were born before Moby Dick was written. Some of the bowhead whales living off the coast of Alaska are well over 200 years old.
-Wendy's founder Dave Thomas dropped out of high school but picked up his GED in 1993. His GED class voted him Most Likely to Succeed.
-Bees sense a flower's electric field and use it to find pollen.
-Sleeping through winter is hibernation, while sleeping through summer is estivation.
-If the history of Earth were compressed to a single year, modern humans would appear on December 31st at about 11:58pm.
-In Qaddafi's compound, Libyan rebels found a photo album filled with pictures of Condoleezza Rice.

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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.

Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel!"


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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine.

And as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.

I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.


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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis'". The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her "The head, heart and penis".

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds".

"Um... the head".

"Good. Eight seconds".

"Um... the heart".

"That's right. Five seconds".

"Oh... umm... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"


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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse".

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse". "How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "Could it have been worse?"

"Well" replied Frank "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"


Big update over. All that leaves now is the monster Christmas update next week and I'm done for the year and hopefully a good couple of weekens too. For all other questions you need answered please read on...

-Check out the site archives. Every update good and great from now back to the beginning of time all conveniently saved for your viewing/masturbating/deviant pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Did I mention its the last one for the year? Booya.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will poison your reindeers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP to that little dude who drowned. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.12.04-18.54

Welcome to water under a ducks bridge.

It's def starting to feel a lot like December. The festive insanity hasn't nailed me too hard yet thankfully, possibly due to avoiding shopping centres for a while. Unfortunately that's not going to last much longer... really need to start thinking about Xmas gift shopping. Despite an agreement between myself and significant other along the lines of not getting each other anything because stupid new house, there's been hints that I will indeed be receiving something. It's a technicality which a first time dad couldn't be blamed for not considering - "just because *I'm* not getting you anything doesn't mean your daughter isn't". Oh FFS. Honestly if they didn't have boobs...

Sometimes I feel like I don't get a lot of wins; or at least need more of them. Isn't really the case but, you know, woe unto me. This was proven again recently upon moving into the new house. After more than a year of blogging about this super OTT home network I was building the time had finally come to finish it all off. I gathered together all the bits I'd spent an eternity researching and buying online and went about making it happen. And you know what... it went together and WORKED fucking beautifully. All the cables were where they were supposed to be, they all tested out perfectly and all the equipment, everything from the mechs and wall plates to patch panels, went together perfectly. And then it came time to fire up the switch...

A network switch, if you didn't know, basically is a device that allows computers to talk with one another. Anyway about 6 months ago I came across a brand new 48 port enterprise switch on eBay. Complete overkill but ultra-cheap. The story was it had sat around collecting dust but never been used. So I bought and it arrived a few days later but being busy with so many other things the box was slid under a couch and forgotten about. Jump forward to the other week ago - plug it all in, turn on, it fires up but nothing. So I Google this and that and come up with even more nothing. We try a different approach and it eventually pumps out some error messages...

By this point its clear the fuckwit seller has ripped me off. Contact him via eBay. No reply. I email him and (despite tracking software telling me he looked at my email 5 times) no reply. Well past the time to open up a claim with eBay too. Little cunt. Obviously he knew it was fucked which is why he let it go so cheaply. Then it occurs to me to read the warranty info. Prob should have done sooner but the long and short is because it's enterprise level equipment, its covered by a lifetime replacement warranty. Few phone calls to the manufacturer and no-fucking-shit they courier a brand new one to me the next day. Just like that. I'm yet to email the fuckwit seller back yet but it's a pretty big case of "eat a giant dick mate" because you just gave up a $2000 bit of hardware for $200.


Moving on. We got a Krispy Kreme here last week. For most towns it wouldn't be a big deal but for whatever reason this part of the world is generally deprived of such things. We don't even have Star Bucks and Taylor Swift isn't coming here on her tour next year. But I digress. For years the only place West Aussies could get them was by carrying a box back on a flight back from the eastern states. They've always been a bit like Cuban cigars that way. Anyway people have gone fucking crazy over them - lines that were so long they stretched well out of the store and snaked around the carpark, traffic control measures in place to deal with the stupid amount of cars, endless media coverage and so on. And then there's the people that can't help but get all self-righteous. You know the ones: "Krispy Kreme are shit", "They're bad for you", "Such and such are better". Dudes come on - its not like anyone doesn't know that jamming rings made of pure sugar down their throats is bad but what best shuts down any anti-KK argument is that the one store broke a world record by selling over 73,000 donuts in a day. It's a glorious victory for obesity. Your move skinny cunts!

Okay that about does us with the witty social commentary that 'really makes you think'. Let us move on to bigger and better things; namely this shiny new update for which many Bothans died to bring us. Check it...

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Awkwarrrd!Man, She's Really Putting Effort Into Climbing... - Ape ShitHonest Trailers Takes On Planet Of The Apes - Got Beef? Here's A Warning About Why You Should Never Get Road Rage In South Korea. Ever. - AddictiveThe Dude From Around The Corner Is Having Difficulty Getting Into His Hole - DeliciousIf You Can Find A Better Stash Of Hottie Amateurs Getting Naked Then Hook Me Up! - Hot CopsFemale NYPD Cops Taking Sexy Selfies In Uniform Is The Latest Bizarre Trend - Forced You've Seen The Teaser Now Here's 10 Of the Best 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Trailer Parodies - Look Twice 60 Images Of People That Totally Defy All The Rules Of Nature - Parent Fails 60 Examples of Child Rearing That Highlight You're Doing It WRONG! - Ban PornBritish Government Censors List Of Sex Acts In Porn

OnomasticaThis Is Your Time, Your Time To Finally Put The Words Within Your Mind To Use - UnfknblvblSeptember Carrino In Leopard Lingerie Will Ensure You Destroy Your Own Penis - ExposedBai Ling's Boob Pops Out Of Her Dress - 49yo VirginThe 49 Year Old Virgin Is A Realit - Epic SlutsThe Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Happened - No Diets!Overweight SJW Vandalizes A Sign Promoting A Healthy Lifestyle In Children - Alt BabeRedhead With Big Tits Is Fucking Great In Bed - Suck ShitFather Saves His Family Killing A Robber In His House - HumiliatedFucking Couple Busted And Humiliated - Um YES!How Fast Would You Say Yes?

Puzzle FreakHow Big Is Your Brain? - No SeatbeltNo seat belt in the convertible was a great idea. At least for our viewing pleasure it was - All In HerHoly Fuck That Is Gonna Hurt! - 23inow She Will Know That 23 Inches Is Her Limit - The Fuck!?Tampon Falls OUT OF A Female Soccer Player On The Field, Girl Picks It Up Like Dog Poop - Nip SlipNadeea Volianova Nip Slip While Drunk On The Street - Shit HotSpin Chick Penny Posing Topless - Still Got It?Madonna Is Scary And Amazing - Just WeirdMum Watches Daughters Blowjob Audition - RetardsSo In Jamaica They Don't Really Dance At Nightclubs, Just Dry Hump The Fuck Out Of One Another

I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told her to sit down and I put a classic porn film on for inspiration. My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway. "That looks good". She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that". "Really?" I asked, excitedly. "Oh yes". She said. "With extra mushrooms though!!"
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied. The manager scowled "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed "Darling. My name is John Darling". "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is"...
Little Bobby walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider". So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Bobby returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Bobby sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass" she asks? "Well, mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider".


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-The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.
-It's impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision. People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it.
-Anything less than five minutes to fall asleep at night means you're sleep deprived. The ideal is between 10 and 15 minutes, meaning you're still tired enough to sleep deeply, but not so exhausted you feel sleepy by day.
-A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year
-One of the best predictors of insomnia later in life is the development of bad habits from having sleep disturbed by young children.
-The continuous brain recordings that led to the discovery of REM (rapid eye-movement) sleep were not done until 1953, partly because the scientists involved were concerned about wasting paper.
-REM sleep occurs in bursts totalling about 2 hours a night, usually beginning about 90 minutes after falling asleep.
-Dreams, once thought to occur only during REM sleep, also occur (but to a lesser extent) in non-REM sleep phases. It's possible there may not be a single moment of our sleep when we are actually dreamless.
-REM dreams are characterised by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive and thought-like, with little imagery -obsessively returning to a suspicion you left your mobile phone somewhere, for example.
-Certain types of eye movements during REM sleep correspond to specific movements in dreams, suggesting at least part of the dreaming process is analogous to watching a film.
-No-one knows for sure if other species dream but some do have sleep cycles similar to humans.
-Elephants sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM sleep.
-Some scientists believe we dream to fix experiences in long-term memory, that is, we dream about things worth remembering. Others reckon we dream about things worth forgetting -to eliminate overlapping memories that would otherwise clog up our brains.
-Dreams may not serve any purpose at all but be merely a meaningless by-product of two evolutionary adaptations -sleep and consciousness.
-REM sleep may help developing brains mature. Premature babies have 75 per cent REM sleep, 10 per cent more than full-term bubs. Similarly, a newborn kitten puppy rat or hamster experiences only REM sleep, while a newborn guinea pig (which is much more developed at birth) has almost no REM sleep at all.
-Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain's sleep-wake clock.
-British Ministry of Defence researchers have been able to reset soldiers' body clocks so they can go without sleep for up to 36 hrs. Tiny optical fibres embedded in special spectacles project a ring of bright white light (with a spectrum identical to a sunrise) around the edge of soldiers' retinas, fooling them into thinking they have just woken up. The system was first used on US pilots during the bombing of Kosovo.
-Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.
-The 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill off Alaska, the Challenger space shuttle disaster and the Chernobyl nuclear accident have all been attributed to human errors in which sleep-deprivation played a role.
-The NRMA estimates fatigue is involved in one in 6 fatal road accidents.
-Exposure to noise at night can suppress immune function even if the sleeper doesn't wake. Unfamiliar noise, and noise during the first and last two hours of sleep, has the greatest disruptive effect on the sleep cycle.
-The "natural alarm clock" which enables some people to wake up more or less when they want to is caused by a burst of the stress hormone adrenocorticotropin. Researchers say this reflects an unconscious anticipation of the stress of waking up.
-Some sleeping tablets, such as barbiturates suppress REM sleep, which can be harmful over a long period.
-In insomnia following bereavement, sleeping pills can disrupt grieving.
-Tiny luminous rays from a digital alarm clock can be enough to disrupt the sleep cycle even if you do not fully wake. The light turns off a "neural switch" in the brain, causing levels of a key sleep chemical to decline within minutes.
-To drop off we must cool off; body temperature and the brain's sleep-wake cycle are closely linked. That's why hot summer nights can cause a restless sleep. The blood flow mechanism that transfers core body heat to the skin works best between 18 and 30 degrees. But later in life, the comfort zone shrinks to between 23 and 25 degrees -one reason why older people have more sleep disorders.
-A night on the grog will help you get to sleep but it will be a light slumber and you won't dream much.
-After five nights of partial sleep deprivation, three drinks will have the same effect on your body as six would when you've slept enough.
-Humans sleep on average around three hours less than other primates like chimps, rhesus monkeys, squirrel monkeys and baboons, all of whom sleep for 10 hours.
-Ducks at risk of attack by predators are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, keeping one half of the brain awake while the other slips into sleep mode.
-Ten per cent of snorers have sleep apnoea, a disorder which causes sufferers to stop breathing up to 300 times a night and significantly increases the risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke.
-Snoring occurs only in non-REM sleep
-Teenagers need as much sleep as small children (about 10 hrs) while those over 65 need the least of all (about six hours). For the average adult aged 25-55, eight hours is considered optimal.
-Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.
-Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.
-Diaries from the pre-electric-light-globe Victorian era show adults slept nine to 10 hours a night with periods of rest changing with the seasons in line with sunrise and sunsets.
-Most of what we know about sleep we've learned in the past 25 years.
-As a group, 18 to 24 year-olds deprived of sleep suffer more from impaired performance than older adults.

-Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet.
-The extra-hour of sleep received when clocks are put back at the start of daylight in Canada has been found to coincide with a fall in the number of road accidents.


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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage". Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies "Well Bruce, you are only 10... where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely". Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny". Again, Bruce instantly replies "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.

Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."


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Remember when the milk used to be delivered to your door step? Here are a few messages that were left in the bottle for the Milko doing his rounds...

"I've just had a baby, please leave another one".

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk".

"Cancel one pint after the day after today".

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it".

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk".

"Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today".

"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole".

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks".

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round".

"When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress".

"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?"

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me".

"Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant".

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it".

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk".

"My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight".

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday".

"Milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk".

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice".


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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie, please?"

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie though...?"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says "Are you sure I will like it".

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it".

"Okay" says the rabbit "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says "Who are you?" To which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub".

The barman says "I remember you. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous!"

The rabbit says "Yes I know"...

The barman said "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED" said the rabbit. "NO!" said the barman. "What from?"

After a short pause, the rabbit said... "Mixin-me-toasties".

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The local Pastor is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see the window cleaner at the window, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The Pastor is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. "Fifty dollars" comes the reply. "Fifty dollars?" says the Pastor, startled. "Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv".

So the Pastor hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.

The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the Pastor's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the Pastor "Lovely clean windows you've got there Pastor, who does them for you?" "Oh, a guy from the village does them. He does a great job" replies the Pastor. "Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?" "Well " replies the Pastor "fifty dollars, actually". "Fifty dollars? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming!"


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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell, I guess I'd better see a doctor".

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money" mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at the supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it!" "It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars, a lot cheaper than a doctor".

So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to down there. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample… he pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity… it will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping with us today'.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began to wondering if the computer could be fooled so he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to the supermarket, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints out the following:

-Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
-Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7)
-Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
-Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
-If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping with us today.


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Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new* and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays.

He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day. His boss was furious and threatened to fire Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following day.

The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales.

Bill grinned "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by your daughter, who only used the backseat".


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Three little ducks go into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey" was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh! That's nice" said the bartender. He turned to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked...

"Great... lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said "So, you must be Louie?"

"No" she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles..."


And with that my work here is done. Didn't like it? Well there's always self-harm...

-Check out the site archives. It's the only way you'll see what you can't imagine what you've missed.
-Next update will be next Thursday the 11th of December.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait for you after school at the bike racks and dead-leg the fuck out of you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and will he or won't he? That is not the question. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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