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February 2003...
 
orsmupdate 2003.02.19-20.34
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Welcome back to Orsm.net for another huge update. If you're a bit of a scraggler and new to these parts then I suggest you do yourself a favour and work your way through the site archives which are contain enough humour, porn and other random shite to keep you busy for another 2 and a half years!

I know there's been absolutely tonnes of commentary on the net and in the media about the Michael Jackson documentary from a few weeks back but I only managed to catch it the second time round so forgive me for being a couple of kicks behind the play here. I'm still trying to figure out if I feel sorry for him for being so god damn out of touch with reality or if he's just a rich pedophile.

What offended me most about the whole thing was not that he admitted he sleeps with kids [everyone does that don't they!?] but his utter disregard for money. I was absolutely disgusted watching him on his shopping expedition and the flamboyant opulence which ensued.

There's an argument here for him having worked hard his entire life and deserving it but who in their right mind would walk into a shop and blow US$4-5 million without thinking twice about it? I know I couldn't and especially not when you consider that'd be enough to set most normal people up for life.

Remember the Advice Asshole? Seems we've neglected the poor little bugger and I'm guessing he'd love to get back to doing what he does best - dishing out the best advice money can't buy! Email him here or check out his previous exploits here: AA1, AA2, AA3, AA4 & AA5!

check out mikes apartment!

I've been getting slammed by some severe headaches lately and I'm losing pretty much the whole day on account of them. Whilst I am 99% sure it's muscular [ie. neck muscles causing headaches] I'd be interested in hearing any good ways to shake the little bastards because I really can not be bothered going to a physio, a chiro or a masseuse [no matter how erotic the massage may be!]. Drop me a line here if you've got any good ideas.

Orsm.net Newsletter. I've decided I'm going to send them out monthly because the weekly thing just doesn't work for me as many of you have noticed. People already subscribed get access to Orsm's Porn-chive and in future will start getting access to a few more cool bits and pieces not available to everyone else just surfing the site! Sign up here.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.

We're still on the hunt for totally hot Perth chicks to do a shoot for the site. If you think you've got the goods and wanna earn some cashola then drop me a line! Now for some ever-so-sweet Holly galleries...

Holly 1 - Holly 2 - Holly 3 - Holly 4 - Holly 5 - Holly 6 - Holly 7 - Holly 8

And now for a couple of things for those of you who are here for more than just some boobies... and a maybe one or two for those who are..!

50 Things Women Cant Do - Mechanics Dictionary - Kid-ism's - Just A Question Of Standards

Donkey Kong Jr - MetaCrawler Searches - Brunei Sultan's Automotive Empire - The AniMatrix - AirBrush Nudes

I hope no one is surfing the site from work because I get the feeling productivity is about to drop to an all time low. Time to get this update cranking I think...

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

A few days later while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honourable and useful reason.

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One fine day in Ireland, a gentleman was out golfing and teed up his ball on the 16th hole. He smashed the golf ball with his driver. Unfortunately, his drive went into the woods. He walked down the fairway and went looking for his ball. After searching for a while, he found a little man unconscious with the golf ball lying next to him. "Goodness," said the golfer, and proceeded to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man said, "I can't take anything from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly." The man then turned and walked away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year went by and the same golfer went golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He hit his drive into the very same woods and went off searching for his ball. When he found the ball he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing. The leprechaun said, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer said, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun was floored and stammered, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, last April. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Please find below a summary of his argument:

1. Can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water (H20). The title of his prize winning project was, 'How Gullible Are We?' He feels the conclusion is obvious.


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A little girl and her mother were taking a walk in the park when they stumbled on two dogs having sex. The little girl asked her mom. "What are they doing?" Not knowing what to say the mom quickly answers, "They are baking a cake".

The next morning the little girl walks up to her mom and says. "Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing last night." The mom asks what…? "You two were baking a cake." The mom asks and "how do you know?" The little girl says "cause I licked the icing off the couch."

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Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But ... how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"

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ONE SMART DOG

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies & before long the little dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, & immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, & slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard "that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use & trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, & figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans & strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of & says, "Here monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back & thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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FROM TERRY JONES (MONTY PYTHON) IN THE OBSERVER LATE LAST MONTH:

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience, and so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a mass murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.

Until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them.

I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a_good enough Reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens. And interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast To what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

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LINKAGE

Ebaums World - EHOWA - Cloud 10 - Rate My Tattoo - Want To date Me - Jarkey - Porngasm - Alberta Fusion

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house,"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well she just died and left me everything."

BUGATTI SUPER [DUPER] CAR

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An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

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ORSM VIDEO

READER MAIL

Squillions of emails from you guys lately. Keep it coming - I read all of em at some point. First email is from an Aussie living in London commenting on Australian sports supremacy... a song we know all too well around here!

Shags wrote:
Subject: Soccer Blues...
Well if you thought the atmosphere of the country was bad after they got knocked out of the world cup - then you should see them now. It's mass suicide all round and the the England coach is totally getting raked over the coals for not taking the games seriously enough. Everyone keeps coming up with the excuse that England didn't take it seriously and it's a friendly so it doesn't count. But like I say, we still beat the senior team (the one fielded in the first half) by two goals. Besides, we could only beat the team they put in front of us, and we did, soooooooooo convincingly. To be fair though, the english players didn't take it seriously and if they had showed a scrap of the spirit they showed when they played Argentina, they would have won. None of the senior team deserved their england shirts. The Sun newspaper is going to burn the ashes of an english football and hand it over to the Australian team - or so the story goes. And now soccer is just another english national sport that we can flog the poms at. What do they have left???? Bring on the rugby world cup. It's day's like these that I am sooooo happy to be an Aussie in London. (Except everyone tells me to stop being so bloody smug...)

Roger wrote:
Subject: Political photos and comments
I enjoy visiting your web site, you have some great pictures and jokes. But I'm wondering why you don't post parody photos and comments about other world leaders than President Bush? I'm assuming that you are Australian and don't live here in the "States". I served in Vietnam in the 60's with the Aussie soldiers and have the deepest respect for them and the people of your country. I was even tempted to come to your country in the 70's when you were offering homesteads. Mr. Bush, like anyone else in the world, is not perfect. But most of us here have a renewed sense of comfort with him in the White House. Mr. Gore, his opponent in the last election, couldn't even win in his own home State. If your "mates" don't have any confidence in you, how could anyone else? Our previous leader, and his political party, were fast on the road to taking many of our basic freedoms, such as individual gun ownership, leaving us to be victimized by any thug that comes along. From what I hear, your people may be painfully aware of that problem.Basically, I have no problem with political satire and poking fun at world leaders as long as you poke fun at them all. Otherwise, I may have to stop visiting your site. That may be of no concern to you, but I feel it a matter of common courtesy to those of us who live here in the States.

Kieron Webb wrote:
Subject: Magaluf Minga
this is a minga that we met on holiday bit of a slapper as well or she would of not let us take these photos !!!
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ses6@canada.com wrote:
Subject: Are you going to be my friend

Dear beautiful: I am 28 years old, male, and I like sex and nude very much, but I didn't do it yet, I'd like to have a girlfriend like you, so please accept me, and always send me your nude pictures. And be always in touch with me. Could you be my teacher in sex. I'd like to have a lot of sexy girlfriend. I love you and your tits. Best regards, ses6.

narkotik Niels wrote:
Subject: the joke is on you bro!

My brother thought it would be a real funny idea to take a pic of him skidmarking his mate but he kinda forgot to cover his jewels...!

click to enlarge

adam brown wrote:
Subject: hot girlfriend

hi what's up? first off, helluva site. keeps me comin' back. anyways, me and my girlfriend are wondering if you'd be at all interested in pics of ourselves screwing and what not. she's extremely hot, and i've been told the same. we've both had modeling jobs in the past and are still in the business occaisionally. i'm not sure how this site (or others) work, but if you know how to score me some cash for pics of me and my girl i'd appreciate it. even if you can't help me out personally do you know anyone that can?

Pictures of you? No... but pics of your girlfriend and sister in a tasty lesbian romp would be okay!

Chris Hall wrote:
Subject: out to wet babys head
hes a new dad so we got him pissed loaded him with cury at balti house then pics when he passed out but we love the guy realy. regards chris

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After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approximately the same age as herself.

She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approximately 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?" "That's true I haven't, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!!!"

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One day the travelling dildo salesman visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home. He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one.

He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.

He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before. He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying, "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one.

When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones.... and my thermos."

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FUN WITH EXCEL

Name The Album - Name The 80's Arcade Game - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

The pope is going on an overseas trip. A limo driver picks him up, loads all his cases into the boot and then is about to leave when he notices the pope still standing on the footpath with arms crossed.

"Your eminence, you must get in or we'll be late," he says. The pope replies," Actually, I'd like to drive, they never let me drive at the Vatican." The driver, wishing he'd called in sick say, "But your eminence, it's more than my jobs worth"

The pope replies, " I really want to drive and there might be something extra in it for you." The driver gives up, climbs into the back seat and lets the pope drive. The pope immediately floors it getting up to 150 in no time. This soon attracts the attention of a patrol car who gives chase. the pope pulls over and winds down the window as the police officer walks up and looks in the window. The officers jaw drops and he says, "Excuse me, I've got to call the chief!"

He gets on the radio and says, "Chief, I've pulled this guy over doing 150 in a 60 zone." "So book him," the chief says. "I think he's pretty important," the officer replies."All the more reason to book him."

"You don't understand, he's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No" "The Govenor?" "No" "Well who then?""I think it must be GOD because... he's got the pope driving him around."

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Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina - Gina

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a rooster and approximately 10 hens. One Saturday night the rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said again, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up.

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Jim and Jayne are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settle down Jim leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy-doops, your little hubby-wubby isn't quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."

Jayne takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Brian jumps up and exclaims in concerned tone, "Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all righty?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, Jayne goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Jim looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."

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MATERIAL THINGS

One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money she said, "You know Marvin, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

RANDOM SHITE

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

I reckon thats about good enough for this week. Hope you've all managed to waste countless hours surfing what took me countless hours of compiling so until next week be good, stay off the chems and make sure you send you sister over here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2003.02.12-16.41
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This weather is just getting ridiculous. Retarded me spent last week touting crazy shit such as "this summer really hasn't been all that hot" and "is this they best they got?". Had I have stopped for a second to think [not one of my stronger points] I may have remembered that someone up there has the sole responsibility of trying to spite me 24/7. I say it's good, they make it bad. I say it's nice and cool, they make it hot and foul. Let this be a reminder to all of you that not saying "touch wood" can have dire consequences!

This is my first summer in this house and it seems that it can get a little on hot in here. Air-con and fan on full and its still not cold enough. How cold is cold enough? I think I've said this before but it's got to be icy enough so that you wake up in the morning with your doona cover up around your nose and a need to turn the cold down [or up depending on which way you look at it]. Anything less is unacceptable and downright uncomfortable.

Despite all that its bloody good beach weather. Sunday mornings are now reserved for a trip to the dog beach to walk the dog and check out the bitches... err... umm... I mean female dogs... I swear. The chicks are pretty special too. There's two things that will bring a smile to a man's face on a stinking hot summers day - one of them is an ice cold beer and the other a hot chick in a bikini.

As many of you will know the Cricket World Cup started this week and as much as I hate to sound like a one-eyed Aussie supporter [although it's my God given right] you'd have to admit that most of the other countries don't stand a chance against us even without Shane Warne.

We've spent the last couple of months making the Poms look like something like a bunch of special ed kids and the time for everyone else to find out just how it feels has finally come. I've had so many emails from people supporting their team and country and apart from all the "We're gonna kick your ass" propoganda been thrown around, the one underlying thing I sense from all of the guys is fear... the sort of fear that wakes you in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, fear that no matter how good they may think their team is or even how courageous they are, it's that undeniable fear that the rumours are true: Australia is to Cricket what the US is to Iraq [except that the guy that leads our team isn't a moron like George Bush is!].

DISCLAIMER: should the Australian Cricketers not make good on my words, the above should be considered satire. If they do win then everyone can kiss my ass.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.

Still looking for the perfect Valentines Day present for that special someone? Give her a Giant Teddy Bear and tell her to go fuck herself!

Myself and the lads have been busily smoking the cigars I got from Larry at HJBailey. The problem now is that even though I am trying to keep them for special occasions only, it just isn't happeneing. Everyone bastard wants one!

We're still on the hunt for totally hot Perth chicks to do a shoot for the site. If you think you've got the goods and wanna earn some cashola then drop me a line! Now for some ever-so-sweet Holly galleries...

Holly 1 - Holly 2 - Holly 3 - Holly 4 - Holly 5 - Holly 6 - Holly 7 - Holly 8

Like the occasional puff on some Cheebo? The boys at Herbal Smoke Shop will be glad to hook you up with 100% legal alternatives plus every god damn bit of paraphernalia you could ever dream of. If you're looking to get sorted, make sure you do it at Herbal Smoke Shop!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Dairy Of An Unfit Woman - 50 Interesting But Probably Untrue Facts

Galaga - Vagina Carrot - Human Breast Milk For Sale - Gag Gifts - Dirty Baby - Ernest Cline

GOLF

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!" The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in their right mind could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"

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Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!" "Ok then" he says, "I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

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During a propaganda tour through the US George Bush stopped off at a school to lecture the kids on the administrations policies. After he had finished he asked the kids for questions.

Young Bob jumped up first, "Mr President, I have three questions. 1. How did you manage to win the vote for the presidency when you had less votes than Gore? 2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason? 3. Don`t you think that dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest ever terror attack in history?"

Just at that moment the school bell rang for the break and the kids all walked out. When they got back from the break George Bush once again asked the kids for questions.

This time young Joey jumped saying, "Mr President, I have 5 questions. 1. How did you manage to win the vote for the presidency when you had less votes than Gore? 2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without any reason? 3. Don't you think that dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest ever terror attack in history? 4. Why did the school bell for the break go 20 minutes earlier than usual? 5. Where's Bob?????"

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THE MIND OF A WOMAN

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.

The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

LINKAGE

Hole In The Net - Com3Designs - East Coast Madness - This Is A Cry For Help - Verity Mag - Varietease

C Man - Mind Orgy - Cam Girl Confessions - Monkey Stix - Maherie - Prankin Mother Fuckers - Beer & Shots

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Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

A Texas farmer is vacationing in Australia. While there, he meets an Aussie farmer who invites him out to his ranch. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

They walk around the ranch and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. "And what are those?" he asks. "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?" the Aussie replies with an incredulous look.

ORSM VIDEO

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I never had three girls at once! I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent and erect to satisfy them all."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for twelve hours!" The guy says, "Give me three boxes!"

The next day the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black and blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "I need a large bottle of Tiger Balm."

To which the pharmacist replies, "TIGER BALM??? You're not going to put TIGER BALM on *that* are you?" The man answers, "No, it's for my arms... the girls didn't show up."

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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once we get him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him".

READER MAIL

Physicsman30 wrote:
Subject: Random Shite # 746 explanation
Mr. Orsm, First off, love the site. Check it every week. In your Random Shite, you had .gif picture number 746, which showed 64=65. Being the Physics man that I am, I couldn't let this go. If this were true (64=65), my mind would have imploded. Attached is my take on it (explanation.doc), showing where the "extra" unit came from. Do with it what you will, but please do not put my email address or any other information about me on your site.
click to open
VV wrote:
Subject: His and Hers perfect day

Just wanted to say Where was the sex in the hers perfect day? and porn? for me the perfect day as a woman, is to have 3 big strong men who came round to fuck me like a man should, not lightly working out! Fucking burns more calories!

My perfect day......mmmm
- Waking up to a lovely big hard cock in my back, have lazy sex.
- Breakfast in bed, made by cute boy with big dick.
- Fly concorde to New York with cute boy, have sex on the plane.
- Have lunch is a fabulous restaurant, with cute boy and best friend, attempt to have have sex in toilets.
- Go shopping with best friend.
- Go to plaza hotel meet cute boy, have sex with him and his adorable friend make a movie of it.
- Go to a wonderful restaurant with cute boys and best buddy
- Go out on the town for a great evening eating drinking and taking lots of drugs
- Back to the Plaza for fab morning of sex and drinking.
now that is my idea of a perfect girls day!

Robert Jacobs wrote:
Subject: Big Dicks Halfway Inn
Hey i saw the pic on your site of the big dicks site and just wanted to drop you a line and say my friends parents own it. It is at lake of the ozarks MO and is a kick ass bar. It is the home of the minnow shot which is some kind of liquer and a real live minnow in it. Kinda gross but kinda cool at the same time. That was really weird for me to see that on your site, but shit happens.
click to enlarge
Loveworm wrote:
Subject: definition of a knobhead
In response to your readers letter subject "Subject: definition of a knobhead" I felt I must write in to confirm that the dick head really is an out and out cunt of the highest order. I also worked in the same dept as the chutney ferret and had to put up with his constant brown nosing, his girlish giggle and his revolting nicotine breath. FFS he used to have about 30 cigarette breaks a day, the lazy wanker. I once saw the dumpy legged pigmy outside having a fag brake with a pacifier (those pathetic imitation cigarettes for ppl trying to give up). Well its not surprising that the builder who installed his conservatory was also doing some maintenance on his wife's back doors. If you think I'm being harsh, well maybe I am but he is and always will be a cunt...
click to enlarge
Russell Weinberger wrote:
Subject: JANE FONDA POW HOAX

I'm no a great supporter of Ms. Fonda, what she said, or what she did - however, it looks like the pow story is more fiction than truth. http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/hanoijane.htms
Gilgamesh Enkidu wrote:
Subject: Bad Jane Bad Urban Legend

You've been sucked by an Urban Legend I'm afraid, and a pretty slanderous one at that. While I'm don't particulairly care about Jane Fonda, it's a pretty sick lie to be spreading about anyone. The stuff she participated in was bad enough, but the people who were supposedly involved in the story you've posted have denied that it happened. Check out this link to snopes.com http://www.snopes.com/military/fonda.htm. I'd say her actions were pretty misguided, but she wasn't involved in the whole "slips of paper thing".
Jjahooper@aol.com wrote:
Subject: (no subject)

Hi Sweet Heart, I''m 40 and I', an Artist since I was 6 years old and Play Guitar over 23 years now why don't you and some of your Ladie frineds from Australia send me some very Sexy Pix of you showing somethuing very " Wet and Sweet " ??? Take your fingers and run them down in your Pussy and gentley spread yourself open for me, Send me something in the Mail ... and I promise toyu that I'lll do an 18 x 24 Drawing of you ! Howabout sitting pretty in bed with some Victoria Secret Nylons on and show the Boyz a lil Spread ... Born in the USA !

Scott Harrison - Guitars for Medussa
310 7Th Street
Lake Charles Louisiana - 70601
S_Harrison_1@Yahoo.Com Yall may Cum into m,y Art Galleirs anytime !
Http://photos.yahoo.com/S_Harrison@_1yahoo.com

click to enlarge

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A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants and showed his ass. His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

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Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?" Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes... Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play.

Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

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At the end of the night a man, quite drunk, leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight are you BATMAN!?"

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FEELING YOUNG

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.

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An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI
This little chicky is an absolute godess in my books...

Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle

Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle

Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle - Emmanuelle

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses..."

THE QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of America in line.

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Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."

With that the Scotsman raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent." "That's a maybe", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is English and I'm not taking the risk!"

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Wayne Carey and Mark Bickley are enjoying a lunch at a fancy West Lakes restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Mark what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir" she replies. Turning to Carey she asks, "And what would you like, Mr Carey?" Carey answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were on the straight and narrow and committed to high principles and morality, not like last year. I'm sorry you have joined the Crows." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Bickley leans over to Carey, and says, "Wayne, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

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RANDOM SHITE
Ah Random Shite... the only shite that won't give you bad breath! Strangely enough the much loved Random Shite Viewer can still be found where it could always be found at shite.orsm.net too!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

I think that's all I'm good for this week and let me tell you it's been a god dman big effort. The updates seem to be creeping up in size again ltely which sort of defeats the purpose of doing weekly updates. No matter - I don't think I have ever received an email saying "dude you should do smaller updates coz they're too big an shit".

On that note, I'm outta here. In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and if you REALLY love me visit my wish list and prove it!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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