Hello there boys and girls and welcome to a brand spankin' new update which, if I may take this opportunity to say, will totally kick ass and meet the unrealistic expectations thrust upon me by a greedy internet community.
I started by jamming as much as I possibly could into it and then decided to live dangerously, take a walk on the wild side, shake my money maker and add a some more stuff to it. Believe me - we don't do things in halves around here... except for the stuff that's too hard or uninteresting of course.
Anyways I may as well dribble senselessly for a while... something I'm apparently quite good at.
Somehow this summer is turning out to be one of the best yet. The heat has generally been bearable which is a turn around from previous years. I've managed to spend the ridiculously hot days either at the dog beach checking out the bitches or at home basking under mankind's greatest invention - air-conditioning.
Social life has been a pretty much out of control too. I've absolutely no idea why so many of my friends were conceived in May [January babies] but it always takes the guess work out of how certain Saturday nites will be spent at this time of year thanks to the mandatory dinners and piss-up's.
Despite the fact I've consumed my fair share of alcohol lately I have surprisingly stayed more or less sober except for one notable occasion that prompted a fierce three hour political debate ending with my opposition being reduced to tears. There's few things better than an argument with gusto and to have it end in such spectacular fashion was quite rewarding.
The orsm hacked saga continues and as such I can safely say I would rather be doing anything else but sitting in front of the computer worrying about it. I am soooo sick of thinking about this shit and I am soooo sick of trying to figure out how I'm supposed to sort it out whilst sitting on the other side of the world from the servers.
Big thanks to everyone who has emailed me offering advice - I probably won't reply to most of you for obvious reasons but the feedback is appreciated.
I had a blind date last night. Her name was :. .:: :.: .:. .::.
Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn
Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over fifty
thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...
The Clinton Scam - How Could You? - Kozo - Bunker For Sale - 300kph XR6T - Poop On There - Pingu Returns
Smoking Kills - Drugged-Up Spiders - Back In My Day - Crazy Harmonica - Smile - Croc Hunter
Now this is something you don't see everyday - I pretty much drooled on myself when I saw them too. Imagine taking some of the finest production cars ever made and dipping them top to toe in chrome. I don't even want to consider how you would keep these babies clean though...
HOW DOES ALL SITE ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST REALITY PORN SITES FOR THE PRICE OF JUST ONE SOUND?
CHECK IT @ ALLSITEACCESS.COM!
There's two fags inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realises their out of Vaseline! So one of the fags tells the other fags he'll be back in a while, with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he see's cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and enraged he asks the other fag "why did you jack-off?" Then the other fag says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and
replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had
presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote a check immediately!
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal, in a convertible sports car, for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse, in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
As I'm all for this sort of thing it wouldn't be right to do this update without featuring Janet Jackson's boob flash at Super Bowl. To me this represents a trend started by Britney and Madonna a few months back which we can only hope is continued by the next celebrity wishing to ramp up their declining career...
- Janet Jackson: Super Bowl Boob Flash -
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"? The girl replied, "Oh my Goodness! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' you now: Save me, Lord, save me." Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls to his death... "DUMB YANKEE!"
Seems God was just about done with creating the Universe, but he had two extra items left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the items he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to Pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that?"
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh," give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a Man should be able to do. Please! Please! Pleeease! Give it to me. On and on he went, like an excited little Boy.
Eve just smiled and told God, that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to Pee while standing up. He was so excited, that he whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment, then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing, and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked. "BRAINS" God Said.
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's age - in her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
A Dallas flight was coming in for a landing when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground.
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off and the Chief Pilot of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As they were talking, the Chief Pilot commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those are Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way. One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant. "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The blonde was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
As always there has been tonnes of emails flooding in from every direction which is always welcome. If you've got something you wanna say, something interesting to say or just feel like generally abusing me then drop me a line here.
Larry Bailey wrote:
Subject: Imaginary Girlfriend Link on your site...
I have enjoyed your site for quite some time now, but this is my
first email to you. I clicked the "Imagainary Girlfriend" link on your
site and was amazed that people actually bid on these things....so I
posted my own. I am the FIRST "Imaginary Stalker Ex Boyfriend" on
Ebay. Here is the link incase you would like to check it out.
I thought it would get a few laughs...what I didn't count on was the
response that I've gotten from the viewers of my auction. I would like
to thank everyone for the compliments on my auction, I am currently
working on a new item that will be listed soon. I was also contacted by
a reporter from The New York Post (SWEET!!)...trust me, I will give a
shout out to Orsm if the article goes to print. Anyway...thanks for the
UNGODLY amounts of porn, jokes, and random shit that you provide me to
get me through life....YOU are "The Shit". PEACE OUT.
I've been hitting your site for a while now, (don't get me wrong, I love the
chicks) but the "planet" images were very cool. Many people are ignorant to
the wonders of our own world... I'd be cool if everyone realized that.
Subject: re: lolly bags
Thanks for considering us women who frequent your site... but............ those lolly bags would have to be the most ugliest piece of clothing (?) that I have ever seen...
If my man wore those as part of foreplay I would literally die laughing...
Someone musta had a real shitty on men whey they designed them.
And they serve no purpose do they.. not that they should... Now..how about some really nice pics of men like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and bad boy Colin Farrell... now that's a turn on, as long as they don't put those lolly bags on their yayas..
Dale the chef wrote:
Subject: mariah carey
hey - i just saw that mariah is one of your favorites
well i've had the pleasure on several occasions of cooking for mariah
i am a chef in the states i used to work in beverly hills, and now i am
i cooked for her both places but i actually got to meet her in arizona.
this was 2 years ago - 2 weeks before she was set to sing at the super
seeing her in person - she's amazing - quite tall ( taller than
smelled great but all around a very pretty woman - and i can say that
she has eaten my food
maybe i'll tell you the stories i have of bobby and whitney....
Reverend Junebugdopestep wrote:
Subject: (problem with the PC)
Hey sorry your getting hacked on . Hope you catch the F#*ker! I like
this site! Might want to try hosting on a Macintosh?Should check in on
Subject: cape crusader
The many going-on of the caped crusader...
Thanks so much for your site. My wife and I get such a kick out of it. We are always anxious for an update and it helps get me laid now and again. Many thanks for that.
Carey Allen wrote:
Subject: Ugly fuckers
These are sum pics of this ugly homo dude i took last year when i was at bathurst for the V8 races. Dont give my details out, keep up the good work on the site. Slap this on the random shit and ill send u sum pics from skoolies later this year, chicks doin naughty shit!
Subject: cool pic
Orsm, first of all bro keep up the good site. Here is a pic of our Chief of Defence Force Parade at the Australian Defence Force Academy. I thought it looked awesome. It was a lucky snap shot that my GF somehow mananged to get.
A friend of mine, still a little too shy to expose more/some.. More to come as that confidence builds...
Subject: Hope you haven't seen this already
Wicked vid of mine blasting in the Ebeneezer mine
outside of Brisbane QLD... OOPS. anny from Perth :)
Adrian Jarvis wrote:
Subject: There Is A Strange Noise In My Engine!
This guy was driving interstate 44 in st. Louis, enroute to work when he heard a pop, it sounded like a flat tire.... He opens the hood and jumped a mile back... A co-worker recognizes him and pulls over... Imagine calling in..i will be late and uh.... The following photos illustrate the precise cause of the noise!
David Fshlock wrote:
Here are some pics of my racecar at the plex on friday night. It did a 14.78 dont sound quick to some ppl but for me and a 30 year old 4 cyl not bad i reckon.
Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: What a landing! Awesome military photo
This attached shot was taken by a trooper in Afghanistan. Pilot is Larry Murphy, PA National Guard. Larry is a Keystone Helicopter Corp EMS Pilot employee called to active duty. I must say that this is a "unique" landing operation. I understand that this particular military operation was to round up suspects. We have some super Army Reserve and Army National Guard folks out there in addition to our volunteer troops. God bless them all.
Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Remember Hurricane Juan ?
Remember Hurricane Juan that hit Halifax? Well it wasn't the only place that got hit really badly!!! Below is a picture of the horrific damage it caused in Toronto. scroll down...
Brent Holowka wrote:
Subject: Michael photo edits
Here is the Thirst Michael Edit I've done, Along with the stained glass
Michael and the Mentos Michael. Please post this is the email section, not
the RS section. Thanks.
Persian Boy wrote:
Subject: Persian Boy
Please add this photo to your site,
I capture this photo from EMDADI hospital which is
located in Mashhad/Iran....
And please inform me when you add it....
Robert G. wrote:
Subject: oopsy !Pennsylvania state trooper (female)..figures!
PENNSYLVANIA STATE POLICE AT THEIR FINEST...... NOTICE ITS A WOMAN BEHIND THE WHEEL.
Sam B wrote:
Subject: some CG images
Hey Orsm. Sweet stuff you got here.. I saw in previous postings that you are into CG art and that now and then you post a section of CG images. I figured I'd contribute as that's what I do for fun. If you feel they're decent I'd like to see them included in a batch of CG art. Here are the links but please don't link to this server as I'm just a guest on it and it's not set up for much traffic.
Maxi Mounds wrote:
Subject: Re: A trade?
[In regards to the Maldives pics from a while back] Thanks for the links, I appreciate it. I saw on your page that I wasn't the only one that was curious. It's a bit pricey you have to admit, but what an awesome place to shoot pics. :-) As I promised here are some pics for ya, you can use them or not, you decide. If you like them and want more, feel free to ask, ok? Take care and all the best. More of Maxi at maximounds.com.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!!!
"You know," he said," you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... You just happened to catch my eye."
A University mortuary student walked into the mortuary where a body was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard Swing Low, Sweet Chariot song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into its original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!". Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing Swing Low Sweet Chariot, he quickly replaced the cork and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of arseholes sing that song!"
When I saw the pics for the first time I was kind of freaked out. It defies me how she doesn't snap herself in half everytime she leans over or gets fucked too hard...
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.
When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.
There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence - MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!?" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, “You're in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."
With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says."
Once upon a time there was a van driver who used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking.
He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked. "I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road". "Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift".
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud Thud.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there". "No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the bastard with the door!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak.""You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
An Aberdonian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch
the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. Asthey
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aberdonian.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aberdonian took his
arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed
by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a
beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Aberdonian had ever
seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the
Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as
he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a
I reckon Random Shite just gets better. I do kinda feel sorry for all you RS fans out there because pretty much all you see is what I deem to be the picks [pics?] of the bunch. It may be time to get off my ass and implement a better system [as many of you have requested in months gone by] to display this section of the site better. Stay tuned for it. Anyways, check out this weeks offering...
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.
The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true." Tom realises he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so. The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'" Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.
She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following – Gloria 357-6262, when you have dollars.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call!"
I think that about does it for this week. If everything went to plan, you just wasted a good hour or two surfing the site whilst you were supposed to be doing something else... I hope it was worth it!
Anyways thats me until next time. Until then be good, stay off the chems and feel free to drop me an email if you've got something to say! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.