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February 2011...
orsmupdate 2011.02.24-20.44

Welcome to Orsm.net. Perpetually tired.

Since people are asking - you can Twitter me here.

Interruptions have been the theme of my week and rather than get pissy about it, I'm choosing to embrace. Drop-ins, a hospital visit, errands and various other crap have broken up the monotony of what would otherwise have been endless hours staring emptily at my monitor. My only real gripe is lack of sleep. God knows why but lately no matter how tired I am there is no possible way to fall asleep before 2 or 3am. Add to this I can't usually sleep past 7 and the half hourly wakeups by the dog I'm dog sitting, life is become struggle. Thankfully though, there is Red Bull.

I won't dwell on it but thoughts are with our Kiwi neighbours. It fucking sucked last time they got hit with an earthquake and this latest 'aftershock' has been terrible to watch unfold. Seems like every week there's a new major event so you can't help but wonder what's next. Volcano perhaps? Plane crash? Kochie and Mel staying on air?

Ever get the feeling you're living in a slum? Mentioned a while back that I was being overrun by roaches and bugs. Shit has since gone next level with an influx of rodents. Notable incidents include a dead rat found next to the fish pond so I'm assuming that neighbours are having the same problems. Apparently when you set baits the little fuckers are forced to seek water which explains why he died next to the pond. The latest was a few nights ago - walked into the kitchen and watched a mouse scurry across the bench through a crack in the wall. Again... the unfinished kitchen renovation comes back to haunt me. I think it's time to finally concede to a financial ass-raping and get an exterminator in here and hopefully avoid waking up one day with rat bites all over my magnificent chiselled body...

Okay moving on. Things haven't been all that exciting of late... no wild parties, revelations, hot bitches or life changing moments but let's face facts - I still have space to fill so rather than write stuff that aims to paint me as smrat and cultured, we'll just run with what's been happening...

I guess some people may think it odd but my goal was to make it Saturday all about the pooch. Give her a good day to make up for lack of attention during the week. Obviously the dog beach was our first port of call on what was an absolutely glorious day. Sun shining, no wind, smooth ocean and enough bikinis to create a near constant state of arousal. It was home from there to wash the car which was an incredibly dumb idea considering the heat and humidity - basically just a sweat-fest. Next was half an hour of the most frustrating thing I can possibly do - brush the dog. Always a fucking battle which I never win and am left covered head to toe in hair, scratches and slobber. Returned to the coast later that afternoon. Some sort of picnic thing with friends [and dog] at a park. Not a bad way to whittle away a few hours with literally hundreds of others doing the same.

Sunday was cooler and less humid than the previous however long which meant that anyone you talked to would say something like "The weather is SO much better today". People don't like humidity!? WTF? Being the good little [tryhard/wannabe] fitness freak I am, the day kicked off with some exercise and sashayed into furniture assembly at a friend's place and then the acknowledgement of mother dearests' birthday.

At some point during proceedings we were manipulated [by her] into a 'quick' shopping expedition in this allegedly unique grocery store she'd stumbled upon. Was located in a suburb called Girrawheen... a suburb which should be avoided at all costs. Think state housing, high crime etc. Not to sound snobbish but it's a shit hole. That said, the little shopping centre was kind of cool. For starts I had no idea anything like it existed here. Actually reminded me of Gran Torino. We were about the only whitey's there - the rest were black, yellow, Muslim, whatever. Out front there was tonnes of cheap fruit and veg that no reasonable person would consume cobbled together with a fishmonger [avoid] and bakery [also avoid]. As for the supermarket though - one half was normal everyday grocery items you can buy anywhere, the other half packed with weird and wonderful foodstuffs from mostly Asia that -again- no reasonable person would consume. Some pics here. I don't see myself rushing back but it was an interesting excursion for a Sunday.

The only other highlight was hitting the beach again Monday evening. It was another one of those too-bloody-hot, too-nice-to-stay-inside kind of days so the dogs were wrangled and off we went. Crazy how many people get down there too... all these years living sort of 15-20 minutes from the beach and the idea of ducking down during the week never occurs to me unless someone picks up the phone.

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My neighbour came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that 2:30 in the morning? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
I had a German plumber in the other day. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the shower. Fuckin' old habits die hard...
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I had a little too much of the demon drink, I did something that I've never done before. I took the bus home! I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before...
I made dinner with my kid last night... well what else can you do with a miscarriage!?
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Prince William's stag party's going to be a bit weird. Imagine stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's knickers.



Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10yr old mouth-breather like myself, (ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh Shit.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!

His hat has blown off and is 30ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

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A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him.

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon?" he asks. "Yes sir." The man replies. "Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her..." he says. "I can't, she's got gonorrhoea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?" "Nope, she's got herpes." the man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could take the back door." "Nope, she's got diarrhoea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?" The man smiles "She's got worms too... and they make good bait."


A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

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-Never start a trio with a married couple.
-Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
-Before you sign a record deal, look up the word 'recoupable' in the dictionary.
-No one cares who you've opened for...
-A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
-If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
-When you talk on stage you are never funny.
-If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music. "Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?"
-Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
-Don't say your video's being played if it's only on community TV.
-When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention 'artistic freedom' and 'a guaranteed 3 record deal'.
-When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
-Never name a song after your band.
-Never name your band after a song.
-When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
-Never enter a Battle Of The Bands contest. If you do you're already a loser.
-Learn to recognise scary word pairings: rock opera, white rapper, blues jam, swing band, open mike etc.
-Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
-Listen, either break it to your parents or we will - it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
-It's not a 'showcase'. It's a gig that doesn't pay.
-No one cares that you have a MySpace page.
-Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
-Don't hire a publicist.
-Playing a gig that requires an overnight stay somewhere doesn't mean you're on tour.
-Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
-Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
-Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
-If you need a smoke machine your music sucks.
-We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your parents got for Christmas.
-Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
-If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
-Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
-Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
-Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
-Rock oxymoron's; major label interest, demo deal, blues genius, $500 guarantee and Fastball's second hit.
-3 things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

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Catherine wrote:
Subject: Asylum seekers funerals
Hi Orsm. The Aust Govt flew the families of the 88 Australians killed in the Bali bombings back to Bali for a memorial service (not the funeral) a year later. What do you reckon that cost? You might say the Bali victims' families were not ordinary Australians - these were not ordinary asylum seekers either, you can see the trauma of the boat wreckage yourself. And as for Christianity, Scott Morrison belongs to a Hillside offshoot called ShireLive Church. Google it and vomit.

I'm sure it wasn't cheap but there is a pretty big difference between taxpayers and asylum seekers. They chose to make the trip, they put themselves in that situation and we are paying for it. The Bali victims died at the hands of terrorists. -Orsm

Clyde wrote:
Subject: Texting while you drive.
It is wrong to tell people not to sms while driving. Only an idiot will take their eyes off the road while driving. Doing this is not only dangerous but stupid and shows a complete lack of respect for other road users. It is fantastic that this idiot died in the crash. Sorry to the truck driver. The more people who sms and talk on the phone while driving can only improve the gene pool of this planet and stop the idiots reproducing. Idiots breed idiots.

I was strongly against the laws banning mobile use when driving but now that it's been a few years I fly into an abusive rage when I see some fuckstain driver cruising along on the phone, completely oblivious to other road users. Most of the time nothing would make me happier than watching them crash but killing themselves in the process is a touch on the harsh side... especially if they have good boobs anyway. -Orsm

mechanic wrote:
Subject: how-much-co2.pdf
Now here is a document with a big, bold, brassy in your face kind of agenda. It's going to zero in on one (of several) greenhouse gases and completely disregard any other forms of pollution. CO2 is only one part of the problem - and since the percentages are small, someone is going to use this as a diversion. Speaking of small percentages. CO2 is, according to the document, about 0.038% of the atmosphere. Just so we don't give anything away to "small numbers" - anhydrous ammonia (used as fertilizer) has a STEL (short term exposure limit) of 35 PPM... that's 0.0035%. This same product has an IDLH (immediate danger to life and health) of 500 PPM - a mere 0.05%. It's not going to take a whole lot of this stuff before you wake up on the wrong side of the grass. Small percentages are no guarrantee of small effects.

The document goes on to remind us that the atmosphere of Venus has a high concentration of CO2 and a stable temperature. They left out the part that this "stable" temperature is nearly 900 degrees F. No problem... we can always leave our jacket at home. Mars is also mentioned but they leave out the fact that air pressure at Mars surface is less than 1 PSI (Earth is just over 14 PSI) and Venus is 1349 pounds per square inch. And we shouldn't let a little fact like Earth has life and the other two don't cloud our reason. Earth will be here... whether we are on it or not. The problem - we have proven (history will attest to this) that we have fucked up over and over... R12, thalidomide, the Love Canal, red dye #4, Justin Bieber...

Opponents to environmental responsibility will often say that big business is going to use environmental considerations to profit from us. History has proven that the alternative isn't very palatable. Without environmental controls, we will drown in a sea of our own muck anyway. And whether big business charges us for clean air or doesn't charge us for dirty air... I would think that the choice is obvious.

Flip side of the coin are the ultra conservationists. Both of these sides are so busy promoting their own individual agendas, that few people get to form their own, middle-of-the-road ideas.

Looking at the big picture.... I am a responsible adult. I don't throw trash out of my car window. If I'm walking the dog, I pick up his shit. I don't disable the emission controls on my truck, I don't shit on your front porch. I obey the law. I do what I can to reduce my "footprint" in a world where farm land is being swallowed up for housing developments and shopping malls. But I'm smart enough to realize that zero pollution is an impossible dream..... and I'm smart enough to realize that polluting for the sake of polluting isn't a real wise choice either.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: PDF re CO2
Gday bloke, Thought I'd respond to the PDF posted about CO2 levels. At best it's a collection of half-truths. I'll comment on just a few of it's issues.

Firstly, the question 'Is CO2 a pollutant?'. It's a stupid question, like asking whether a plant is a weed or not. There's no simple yes or no answer. He gives the answer that because it's naturally occurring, it can't be a pollutant. The fact is that, apart from sulphur hexafluoride and some halocarbons, all of the major pollutants we put in the atmosphere occur naturally. Secondly, his assertion that plants emit 33 times more CO2 than human activity does. That'd be like me saying I inhale thousands of litres of air each day, so I must be the size of a balloon. The fact is that plants emit a huge amount of CO2 _in autumn and winter_, when they die off and decay. Come spring and summer, all of that CO2 gets taken in again. The net result is zero. Thirdly, his explanation of how CO2 cannot be a greenhouse gas - he carries on about conductive heat transfer, when the greenhouse effect is purely a radiative heat transfer issue.

All of these issues (and the rest in the article) are Atmospheric Science 101, basic stuff. Seriously, if this Gregg Thompson guy is the big expert he claims to be, he's either spectacularly incompetent, or he's trying to pull the wool over the reader's eyes.

Mark wrote:
Subject: A Woman Scourned (nice spelling, btw)
I am guessing that this is actually a staged 'improv' from one of the environmental theatre groups in NYC. Funny video, nonetheless, there are some factors that make me believe it is disingenuine.
1) Accent & Look: She's not native, therefore not a 'typical' attitude(ed) New Yorker, more than likely an emigre actor.
2) SUV: Really? Chica that young, that NOT rich, who has access to a SUV in New York?
3) Contents of SUV: Big car, small TV (that happens to NOT be smashed), crappy golf clubs, bad golf bag, indeterminate clothes. Not floating my boat for authenticity.
4) Dialogue: Upset enough to irrationally stalk the streets of NYC for her man, but still is able to string phrase after phrase, sentence after sentence in a completely coherent tirade? Don't buy it.

I think 'scourned' may be the AU spelling... or at least that's the story I'm running with so people don't think I'm stupid. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: facebook nipslip
a facebook pic that should fit random shite. withhold my details etcetc

Nip slip goodness. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Kevin wrote:
Subject: Sticker in bathroom stall at a local college
Hey. Long time fan first time sender. Saw this sticker in a bathroom stall today while at class. Thought it was funny as hell.

Scaremongering... except I think that last one may be true...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: African News (please withold contact)
Never mind Egypt etc. look at what we get! Regards

Surely no newspaper could run something like this seriously? -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Where the bloody hell is Tasmania?
Well done CNN...... Where's Tasmania?

Well that changes everthing doesn't it. -Orsm

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Blair wrote:
Subject: Double meaning on sign leads to confusion about hotel rooms
Hi! Thought I'd send you this picture for a laugh. The rooms in this Prague backpackers' hostel I saw last year ain't free, *"cos' you know sometimes words have two meanings!"*

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pool picture (again)
40 year old picture of my brother, my cousin and myself. How can 3 little boys pee so much in one pool?  Have enjoyed your site for years. Please with hold my personal info.
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gordon wrote:
Subject: Toga Party
Dont'cha just love orientation week at varsity with pissed chicks snogging and toga parties?
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Harrier final flypast over Downing street
dont forget to squint when looking at the photo!!!!
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: national debt
I reckon this would be about right too. Oddly enough, I got this from a Republican. If you think Obama created the mess we are in think again; he inherited it from  Bush. And nobody liked Clinton just because oh his infidelity. Truth is, times were as  good as they could be under Clinton. He handed a balanced budget over to Bush  who then squandered our money away.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pho-King
Just driving down the road and saw this restaurant. Wonder if the food is Pho-King delicious like the sign indicates? I'm not too partial to dog-on-a-stick, though. Great website. Keep up the excellent work.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "Thing of Beauty"
um.... yeah. Bad advertising coincidence? Please don't show my details please.

Now I see what happens if girls don't pluck their eyebrows. She looks like one of those moths. -Orsm

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Mikey wrote:
Subject: Milwaukee, Wisconsin Realty co.
Hey, Mate. While going through some old slides I took around 1979, I ran across this one. This firm has since changed their name, but I just can't understand why.
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Sami wrote:
Subject: Cyclone Carlos
Here's some pics of the damamge in Karratha caused by a tornado which itself was created by Cyclone Carlos.

Video of the tornado here. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: skyline
Hey dude thought you might want these pics I took a few weeks ago in greenwood. Clown must have come round the corner way to fast and put it in to the pole and then done a runner. Keep it up bro.. no details
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SEYMORE wrote:
This is a Six Gill Shark. This shark was found floating dead off of Coulson's mill by a log salvage guy. He towed it over to McClellands so they could hoist it out and look at how big it was. Figured to be 800-1000 Lbs. Apparently it was pregnant with about 22 pups and 5 of them fell out. Here's the pictures...
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Valter wrote:
Subject: Random Shit contribution
Been a fan for a long time. First time contribution. Keep up the good work, fantastic site.

Let's all just assume this was a woman. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Face Book Pictures
Just some face book wanking material......No details please
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: licking the missus
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CJ wrote:
Some serious speed on re-entry there! For those of you who may have forgotten, Mach 1 is 760 MPH at sea level!! Shuttle Landing - a view from the cockpit. Dead-stick landing, like landing a ROCK! Awesome for Pilots and non-Pilots alike! This is some fantastic footage. The video is an impressive cockpit view of the landing of a space shuttle at Edwards AFB, CA, on Runway 22 (southwest direction). The view is through the cockpit window with a HUD (Head Up Display; no need to glance down at his instruments) superimposed in front of the window. The HUD allows the astronaut to look out of the space shuttle yet have the relevant information to fly and land in the space shuttle­ altitude, speed, on course or not, wings level, etc.


A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breathe under water?" His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?" Once again his dad replied, "Don't know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?" Again, his dad replied. "Don't know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

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An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing the bastards and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

And then there was this... because it is what it is. That ambiguous enough for you? Check it...

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion. Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.


Okay bro's let's call it a day but before you do, please read the following...

- Check out the site archives and get free stuff. [If you find out how to get the free stuff please let me know here].
- Next update will be next Thursday... although if you're in a different timezone it may be Wednesday... or Friday my time when you see it. My head hurts.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will taser you 41 times and laugh about it with his mates.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and welcome Dash. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.02.17-21.00

Welcome to Orsm.net. Ryan is a giant fag.

Web designers with mad skills and initiative please hit me up here.

As much as I hate to say it, I finally found a use for Twitter. Signed up ages ago and there's even a few of you guys following me but the concept never really integrated into my life - after all I've been blogging what I think about crap that interests few for years and saw no need to branch out. Anyway the other day there was a report on the radio about a triple murder. Details were still sketchy so I took my search to the web and somehow ended up on Twitter which was surprisingly good at providing an almost live coverage. How? It seems that nowadays as reporters roll up somewhere to cover a story, they use any spare time waiting for police to finish their donuts by posting info or photos or whatever. And all this time I just thought it was a way to share what you were having for lunch...

Moving on. There's some relatively interesting debate this week between the bleeding-hearts and those allegedly without compassion. A few months ago a boat carrying asylum seekers crashed into rocks at Christmas Island off Australia's western coast in treacherous weather conditions. Over 30 people including kids and babies were lost or killed. Whichever side of the fence you fall it was a sad and tragic event. Jump forward to this week and bodies have finally been released to families for funerals... funerals which were in Sydney over 5,000kms away. This is where the shit storm started - the government agreed to fly any family members on Christmas Island to Sydney to say their goodbyes. The cost of this little goodwill mission was of course huge. Assuming two chartered flights [there and back], accommodation, security, handlers and god knows what else the total was claimed to be in the millions. Probably not an unrealistic figure.

The outcry following this fully-funded jaunt raised some good points. Firstly, no ordinary Australian is ever flown at taxpayers' expense to attend a funeral. Second, why weren't the dead buried on the island thus leaving it up to any existing resident family to fly there on their own dime. The other side essentially took the compassionate view. I.e. how would you feel if it were your baby or entire family who had died. So everyone's making valid arguments and politicians are running amok and as much as I hate to say it - I fall somewhere in the middle.

And then there's one of the funeral attendees who used the news cameras to splurt out a well-timed "shame on the Australian government". Excuse me - what? This comment was apparently because the asylum seekers were being flown back to continue processing. Talk about your ungrateful cunts. Its shit like this that destroys sympathy for every legitimate refugee and reminds me of that stupid "what would happen if I stood in their country and said the same thing?' argument. I'm guessing the answer would have something to do with an AK-47. Shame on us? More like shame on her. Incidentally there was footage shown on tonight's news of a protest about a nine year old boy being sent back to the island. Can someone ask these people why they aren't at work please?

Okay enough with the riveting social commentary you're all here for. Let's change up to matters far more important - me and my life. Jumping all the way back to last Thursday... which just happened to be probably the best Thursday in living memory. My electricity was out due to work in the area. This provided a whole day of leisure in the form of socialising with friends and family, coffee, shopping and even a late afternoon dip in the ocean. Aka a rare occurrence... despite hitting the beach regularly I don't often wet more than my feet because it's usually early and not hot enough. Anyway I think my last swim in the actual ocean was about three years ago and I now remember why this is - my ears fill up with water immediately and copious amounts of AquaEar is required, driving me to insanity. The rest of the evening - dinner and a movie. Ah Thursdays... I remember when I used to have them all to myself...

The weekend was more or less subdued. A couple of fruitless shopping expeditions Saturday mixed up with some charitable computer repair and several hours working followed by a quiet night in ripping through season two of The Wire. Sunday morning was foolishly begun exercising and washing the car... things I would later regret in terms of energy depletion. More computer repairs took care of the early afternoon and then went friend visiting which segued into a cruise through the city and a family/family friend dinner. Like I said - subdued but somehow incredibly taxing.

Alright that will about do us. Ran a little over on the whole babble thing today but as most of you have already scrolled straight past it doesn't really matter... except for those angry about the extra wear and tear I've caused to their mouse wheel. Oh what ever will you do? Check it already...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Kick Ass - Wasted Babes - Harry Baals - Fight Club - Girl Next Door - Down In Flames - Love Costs - Lesbian Kink

Errr What? - Brooklyn Decker - Tits: Fuck Yeah - Keira Knightley - Miley Tits - Drunk Slut - Epic Hurts

Know Your Girl - Take A Dive - Sexy & Funny - What A Perv! - Lookout Dude! - Huge Tata's - Public Shag - All Bad

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!  Bollocks to this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.
I walked past an Aboriginal sitting on the ground this arvo and he asked, "Any change mate?" I said no, you're still black.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
If you take your age and multiply it by 7, then multiply it by 1,443 the product repeats your age 3 times.



-You spend the day poking people sitting in the same office as you.
-You get annoyed when they don't poke back.
-Your favourite question is "Did you see that photo I posted on Facebook?"
-Your second favourite question is "Did you see that video I posted on Facebook?"
-You keep begging your friends to get on Facebook so "we can hang out".
-You are a member of at least one "If 1 million people join this group..." groups.
-You go into labour and stop to update your status.
-You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night to check if anyone has commented on the photos you uploaded.
-You know more about your Facebook friend's daily routines than you do your own spouses.
-You constantly use the Facebook check-in feature on your mobile so everyone will think you lead an interesting life.
-You've derived pleasure from watching someone's mental state deteriorate via their status updates.
-You've posted on a friends wall while you were on the phone with them.
-You won't work at a company that has access to Facebook blocked on the work computers.
-You sign on and immediately get 10 IMs from people on Facebook chat.
-You regularly have conversations with people about what someone said or did on Facebook.
-You look at an annoying person offline and wish you could report/block this person.
-You have withdrawals if your internet connection drops.
-You wish you could de-friend someone who constantly uses bad grammar but don't because you know them in real life.
-You have to take a speed reading course to keep up with your newsfeed.
-You have more Facebook friends than real life friends.
-You have at least a few people you hate as friends just so you have someone to gossip about.
-You check your newsfeed each morning before shower or coffee.
-You now never forget anyone's birthday... as long as they're in your friend list.
-You're web browsers homepage is set to Facebook.
-You spend considerable time each day trying to think up witty things to post as your status.
-You've used Facebook to stalk a hot girl or guy you met.
-Your answering machine message tells people to message you on Facebook instead.
-You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
-You've created a random and ridiculous group expecting millions of people to join it.
-You feel genuinely depressed when your newsfeed is quiet.
-You don't want to logoff in case you miss something.

Got any to add? Email me.

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A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the roadside assist and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh okay... how many times a week do I have to do that?"


A man is travelling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg. This rouses his curiosity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbours and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveller, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?"  The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvellous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconscious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveller, mystified, replied "That is a wondrous thing, but... how'd the pig get a wooden leg?" The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you... one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveller, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but... how'd he get the wooden leg?!" The farmer replied, "A marvellous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that... at least not all at once."

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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

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Didn't even come close to catching up on two weeks of RM submissions with what you'll find below but all that means is absolute fucking quality.

If you would like to submit, contribute, respond or just say your bit then you may do so here - we're always happy to be plastered with porn, pics of your tasty Ex, random shit, video clips, funny shit, cool links or email forwards - whatever it is, it's all welcome! Just click here and make the magic happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Jack doesn't know jack-shit.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11. Now go figure this out... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be THIS year and it WILL EQUAL... 111.

I've been checking out your site for years and I love it. I'm not normally one to send in emails in response to other readers on here but I felt that this case should be an exception. Jack wrote in concerning the math trick that involves adding the last two digits of the year you were born with the age that you will turn this year and it equaling 111. He basically accused everyone who thought it was cool of being stupid and without any math skill. I agree with your response that most of us simply don't want to take the time to work these things out because we have other things to do and so are content to let others show them to us and have a momentary "wow" response. I would also like to point out that it's far too easy for someone like him to get so wrapped up in what he is good at that it actually gets him thinking he is better than everyone else when the reality is that it is easy to point out the flaws in anyone's way of thinking. For example, Jack used the word "IT" when he should have used "IF." He used the word "NOT" when he meant to say "NOTE" and he said "long behold" which is actually supposed to be "Lo and behold." If he would actually take the time to proofread instead of relying on spellcheck then HE wouldn't have this problem. We are all really glad that he is good at math but perhaps he should focus some attention to a skill he uses on a more regular basis, like proper use of the English language.
Oli wrote:
Subject: RE: Puzzle
This is not always the case and there exists a simple counter-example; namely, a person born on the 29th of February in any leap year has but one birthday every 4 years, and, when applied to this equation fails to produce 111 as an answer. Seems that Jack lacks "basic logical reasoning skills" himself.
mark wrote:
Subject: correction
In your "strange but true" section, you had the item: "The 'hash' (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp". This is not entirely correct. Telephone engineers in the 1960's coined this name. it never caught on. It is commonly called the 'number sign'.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tickets
One scary chick with tickets on her self. Deserves to be exposed!

How on earth is she still single...? -Orsm

Rick wrote:
Subject: Marine crew
Hi there, This is a video of the crew of Belgian marine fregat cruisin the Somalian waters chasing pirats. This way they wanted to greet their family on homeground.

Tim wrote:
Subject: Playful Coyote
I think your playful wolf is a big beautiful coyote. Coyotes will play like this with dogs, or try to get chased, and lead the dogs to the rest of the pack. Even the biggest dog can't survive three or four coyotes attacking it.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: WalMart
Same old same old, long time listener first time caller. I always have received emails with funny pics of "WalMart" people and finally I have something to contribute. Please with hold name. Thanks and enjoy.
click to enlarge

Luke wrote:
Subject: Opera's Australian English Translation to American
After the missus made me watch the Opera show on Australia I was interested in how they subtitled the Tasmanian Devil handler's accent. During the show he said "They can bite though any bone..." but it was subtitled "They can bite through any vine". After checking out the website I think I finally can appreciate the strength of these beasties Jaws. I thought they had the strength of four American Pit bulls but looks like i was wrong, they are even stronger!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cut offs
Dont wear cut offs. With old details cheers.

The whole cut off fad just isn't working for some people... especially those with hungry vaginas. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: .35 cents for premium unleaded
Love the site, never miss a week. Friend called me and told me that the AM PM by my house was selling premium unleaded gas for .35 cents. The sign outside the station said $3.51. The place was packed and it seemed like everyone knew what was going on except the guy behind the register. People were filling up buckets and milk cartons and gas cans. The receipt doesn't says it all 19.03 gallons for a total of $7.00. And the guy even gave me change back when I couldn't fit the entire $12.00 that I prepaid in my tank. This probably cost a few thousand dollars because I called everyone that I knew and they did the same. All my tanks are now full of the good stuff. Enjoy
click to enlarge

Matt wrote:
Subject: Window sticker
Seen this on a vehicle in IL. Thought you might use it.

This must be one of those inside joke things that only they get...? -Orsm

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click to enlarge click to enlarge

mike wrote:
Subject: Pacific National Derailment
I think these may need a bit more than a quick buff and polish Mr Orsm. Results of that derailment out at Kal, I think just before xmas

Don't be so sure. The right polish can make all the difference. Pics of the derailment which caused this can be found here. -Orsm

Jason wrote:
Subject: Coaching appointment at St.Kilda
The St Kilda Football Club is pleased to announce the appointment if its new Player Development Coach for 2011.

... fresh from a successful stint at West Coast. -Orsm

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John wrote:
Subject: Threesome Surprise
Where I come from, we call this a "Threesome Surprise"

Where I come from we call this "DUDE!? Not cool!" -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hope for the Tigers
Long time reader, blah, blah blah... Thought the attached picture was kind of funny as posted on Fox. Poor bastard will never live it down. Please keep my details private. Keep up the great work!
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Facebook
If you select this person as a friend on facebook, which one do you get?

It's not worth the chance. -Orsm

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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Lenards
Lenards has really gone down hill with what's for dinner.....

Lenards... for the adventurous eater. -Orsm

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Mitch wrote:
Subject: Local Ad
Check out the ad for the 99¢ Only Store. It is pretty good for a laugh. someone has a sense of humor.
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bill wrote:
Subject: asking for a date
This is how the primates propose love one another. How sweet. Watch the tenderness in his eyes and the gentle way he puts his hand on hers. There is a lesson in this for all you guys out there: how to do it right!!!

Life seems so much easier. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: Cyclone Yasi
Going to cairns for a cheap boat???

Well one good thing is the longer they're out of the water, the longer it will be before the next anti-foul is required. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Alex wrote:
Subject: Flooding in Qld in sixteen minutes
The attached four photos show how quickly the floods happened on a farm at Helidon on Monday 10.01.2011. There has never been water on this cultivation before. Lockyer Creek runs behind the cultivation. The times on the photos say it all.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: More Kym Pics
Hi, More pics [of] the horniest Bookeeper for your thursday upload. No names or addresses please. Thanks.

The last lot can be viewed here. -Orsm

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Blair wrote:
Subject: Egyptian Riot Gear
This brought tears to my eyes. I've heard of necessity being the mother of invention, but this is ridiculous! So just to outline here – these are makeshift helmets made by the Egyptians whilst scrapping in their current predicament.

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Brian wrote:
This is serious; do not send sms while driving. THIS GUY WAS SENDING SMS's ON HIS CELL PHONE WHILE DRIVING! Pass this to everyone you care about even those that aren't driving yet. AND THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHILE DRIVING!!!

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gordon wrote:
Subject: pics
A ho I was banging recently

Touch of the dark meat. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Welly interesting.
Just how much do you know and how much do you trust others to know?

The whole carbon debate is at the point it's impossible to tell fact from fiction from agenda from political spin. -Orsm

click to open PDF

Brett wrote:
Subject: Thought you may be interested
Hi Mr Orsm, This is a video of a wooden assault shotgun we made. Not sure if its good enough for your site but thought you might find it interesting. You tube link [here].

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: naked chick vids
This chick was sending out piks and vids to all & sundry from a dating site. claims she was right into 3-somes, DP etc. Pretty much up for anything, turns out it was her X- boyfriend who set up the profile and was really off with her dropping him. Very generous of him to share with me so I thought the only decent thing to do was pass them on for many more to enjoy. Usual identity concealment please....D
click to watch video

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."


John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car.

"Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?" "Why, yes I did officer." John replied. "Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer. "Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"

"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"

John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded... "I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."

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When I walk down the street people ask me "Hey Orsm, why do you do it man? What, you some kinda Shite junkie?" You know what I'll say? I won't say a goddamn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the next pic, and that's it. That's all it is. Check it...

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "I'm with the tax office."

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Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."


Done and dusted. I say it all the time but it's scary how many hours went into screwing this puppy together. Honestly if I had a job in the real world my boss would fucking love me... but alas, I'm foolishly doing this all on my lonesome. [Did you get that veiled plea for sympathy?]. And now...

- Check out the site archives. They're what being on drugs is like... or so I've heard.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Capiche?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use your mouth like a vagina. Gentle at first... and then not.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and umm... that's it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.02.10-20.08

Welcome to Orsm.net. 144th most popular website in the Cayman Islands.

It's Australia-geddon. Man versus nature. Another week that saw more flooding on the east coast and then devastating bushfires on the west coast with over 100 homes destroyed or badly damaged in a fire that was started by an angle grinder and fuelled by thick bush and remnants of Cyclone Yasi. You can really only wonder what's next and hope to hell that you're not in line for it. Again, cheers to all that dropped me emails making sure the update would still go ahead despite the fires. Thankfully I live much closer to suburbia than where the fires happened so getting glassed in a pub still remains the biggest danger.

Okay I'm ridiculously time constrained this week so I'll just hop straight into a wrap of all the events of my sheltered little world insignificant and otherwise...

Wasn't a hell of a lot planned for Saturday so used the time to do stuff. That's right - stuff. An exuberant walk, then walked the dog and then punished myself on the rower. From there it was off to the dogwash before returning home and turning my attention towards the car. Three weeks without a bath is too long for anyone or anything, man or machine. I attacked the world's biggest fig tree afterwards. Mentioned this a couple of weeks ago but basically I've been getting hounded to supply figs to various jam-making housewives before the local birdlife cleaned it out. Honestly if frustration and annoyance are your thing then I highly recommend climbing all over a big cunty fig tree on a windy day. It came with a warning too - found a couple of dead birds lying beneath. Not sure as to the cause of death but probably at the hands/beaks of bigger, meaner birds. How this will affect the trees rating on Urban Spoon remains to be seen.

Hit the town Saturday night in the tamest way possible - dinner with a friend at an Italian restaurant that shares the same name as a mafia-themed TV show where Tony Soprano was the main character. Took a cruise through the city and surrounds on the way home because for some reason I never do that anymore and finally crawled into bed in anticipation for the day ahead.

A mate had called me earlier in the week with the offer of a Big Day Out ticket. The BDO, if you didn't know, is an annual music festival held in various capitals around Australia featuring a tonne of different acts, some well-known, some not so much. In all the years it's been running I've never had any inclination to go but the lure of VIP and free booze was too much to resist. Fucking super-duper-giggity glad I did too. Perfect weather, eye candy absolutely everywhere and some surprisingly awesome music. We ventured out of air-conditioned comfort numerous times but there were only two bands I didn't want to miss. First was Die Antwoord. We've all seen them on Youtube but holy crap they are awesome live. The crowd went pretty much spastic for them. The drugs were good too apparently... I actually grabbed a young'un at one point and made him finish my water. Ecstasy + sun + dancing = danger.

The highlight didn't come until a few hours later in the form of Rammstein. By far the most amazing band I have ever seen play. The noise and energy and power that they pumped out was like nothing else. Add in the fire, smoke, fireworks, sparks and a burning man, I enjoyed it way more than U2 a few months back. Some badly shot video cobbled together here.

So what did I learn from my first BDO experience? 1) No matter how good your ass is, shorts can be too short. What ever happened to leaving something to the imagination girls? 2) Tattoo removal will become a burgeoning industry in the wake of millions of bad sleeve tattoos.

Alright that will do us for the moment. I've put together an update i think satisfy most people today. What it lacks in some areas it should make up in others. So... go forth and enjoy. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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Need Game? - Girls Get Wet - The Deathray - Peeing Babes - Vixen-esque - Sexy & Funny - Face Up - Epic Hentai

Hawt Arm Candy - Anne Hathaway - Trust Hurts - So Polite - I Call BS - Kourtney K - Bottom Feeder - Well It's True

Be My Valentine - Natural Beauty - Sucks At Life - Ejected - Very Up Skirt - Titillating - What A Bod - Sexy Protest

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds I now have a 12 inch cock, and I'm top of the housing list.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months!? I'm so sorry!" "Then this month..." continued the guy "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice and knock herself unconscious... well I say 'poor' because the old cow only had $2.34 in her purse.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth." Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?" The doctor says "Use it as a rake?"'
A girl asks her Doctor how many calories are in sperm. The Doctor says "Believe me, if you swallow no guy will care if you're fat".


One weekend three mates decided to go wild pig hunting and kangaroo shooting near Meekatharra. Perplexed, after five long hot days and nights camping in the sticks and not so much as even seeing a pig or roo they agree to go to town and buy some fresh provisions.

Whilst in town they go into the pub and convey their misery to the publican - not even a glimpse of a kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!

He said "Well why don't you shoot a couple of aboriginals. It's legal up here this time of year". "Bullshit!" they said "You're having a lend of us!" The bartender said "Nope. Fair dinkum. You can shoot them here this time of year".

So the guys bought a carton of beer and loaded up the ute. One of them thought for a minute and said "I'll go back inside and double check". Again he asked the publican "Are you sure you can shoot abo's up here mate?" "Yep" he said "You want it in writing?"

When he returned to the ute he noticed the carton missing.  Sure enough 50 metres down the main street and there was an aboriginal with his carton of Crownies on his shoulder.

He grabbed his gun lined up the bastard up in his sights and dropped him with one shot there in the main street.

Before you know it two cop cars come racing down the street towards him.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing???" screamed the cop. He says "Well the bloke in the pub told me it's ok to shoot aboriginals!" They said "Yeah that's not a problem! But fair go mate... you can't set traps!"

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1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetiser is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"


This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental" was the reply, "we got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late".

"So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"So whatcha got planned when you get there?" questioned the hairdresser. "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful" explained the woman "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really!? What'd he say?" He said: "Where'd you get that shitty haircut?"

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Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You gotta be shitting me?" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated from back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shitting me!?"

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Reader Mail was the unfortunate casualty of my electricity provider this week. I got a thing in the mail saying power would be cut today due to work in the area. Fair enough. Of course they chose a Thursday for it to happen because no other day could possibly be more inconvenient. Anyway in place of the standard RM fare you will find a whole bunch of extra video clips to get you through. It should be interesting to see what happens to the video server so please go for your lives. Also don't forget your submissions  - porn, jokes, comment, video or whatever else is all welcome and you can make it happen by clicking here. Check it...

A court case had finished up for the day. When the lawyer left court, he exclaimed "What a boring day!" "I know how you feel," said a journalist behind him "But don't worry, I know something really fun to do around here. Follow me."

The journalist led the lawyer to the very top of the tallest building for miles around. "Watch this," he said. And, without another word, he jumped off. The lawyer opened his mouth to yell, but a very peculiar thing happened. Instead of plummeting to the Earth below, the journalist simply hovered for a few seconds, then whizzed around three times and flew back to the top of the building. The lawyer was speechless. "What-how-"he stammered. "Easy. at this exact spot, the wind blows in a certain way, stopping anyone from falling. I'll show you again." He jumped again, and the same thing happened. The lawyer was now feeling really excited. "Let me try!" He cried. He then jumped off the building and fell to his death. The journalist looks down below, smiles slightly and left the scene.

Meanwhile, two men had witnessed the whole thing. One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that's the third one this week. Clark Kent must really hate lawyers.

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The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.

The charade player agrees. Come the big night, all the world is watching.

The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it." It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realised it as the William Tell Overture. Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

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A blight on civility? Maybe... but you can't look away can you? Check it...

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said "Man I wish we had something to drink." Jim says "Me too, you know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz... you wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects at all. Nothing!

Then the phone rings, it's Jim. Jim says "Hey, how did you feel this morning?" Dave Says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says "I feel great too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave Says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover - nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah well there's just one thing... have you farted yet?" "No" "Well DON'T because I'm in New Zealand!"

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A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration... "Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


And we are done. Believe it or not -because I know most of you are pessimistic fuckers- a crap load of work went into sticking this puppy together in time. As mentioned above, having no electricity for most of today impacted my life considerably - had to go out and catch up with friends, drink coffee, go shopping and generally just enjoy life. This was a gross inconvenience and I hope it never happens again...

- Check out the site archives. Archives... from the Latin word Archa... meaning place of much wonderful porn, humour and entertainment.
- Next update will be next Donderdag.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take candid photos of you fucking Liz Hurley while you're at an exclusive luncheon, masturbate over the photos, then take photos of his cum on your photos that he took of you earlier and post them on Facebook.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have you ever wondered why when it comes to some people if there isnt a problem... there's a problem? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.02.03-20.00

Welcome to Orsm.net. You had me at meat tornado.

Finally feel like I'm hitting my stride after a negativity slump over the last few weeks. January is so gay. Thankfully it's nothing the odd Red Bull can't fix and I'm back to feeling incredibly productive, inspired and lots of other positive words.

So I guess the question we're all wondering is who did Queensland piss off? Those poor bastards have had six weeks of natural disasters which I'm guessing is all a bit frustrating for them. For the record, because I've had lots of well-wishing emails, the floods and cyclone were on the other side of the country from me. If either made it this far there wouldn't be much of anything left.

Moving on. One of my best mates was my guiding light upon getting my first PC waaaay back in '99. I knew absolutely nothing and used to harass him constantly when shit was broken or I didn't know how to do something. As I was incapacitated and not gainfully employed at the time, as opposed to his fulltime job, there was limited opportunities for me to extract this help which actually forced me to self-teach thus going on to become the computer god I am today.

Then the other day he was having a problem... a problem that I was able to diagnose and fix. In a moment of smugness I took it to Facebook with a straight faced "Hey dude. Am always happy to fix your computer problems. Don't feel like you have to suffer because you're too ashamed to ask" comment. From that moment on its been floodgates - one smart arsed comment was an unwitting announcement to the universe that I'm willing and able to fix anyone's computer problems. Its staggering how many times the phone has rung this week and all I can think of is how much money the computer repair guys must be making. I'd go as far as to suggest they're the ones writing spyware and viruses in the first place... like a glazier who goes around in the dead of night smashing windows to generate business. That'll teach me to open my mouth.

Okay let's whip in to me, my life and my awesome narcissism. I blogged something last week about how the heat and humidity were no big deal. This turned out to be some sort of calling out because the next day started with an overload of both. My morning stroll around the neighbourhood was both gruelling and taxing. The rest of the day, disturbingly social - breakfast with a friend, shopping with another and then out for a birthday dinner. That also marked the end of my no alcohol regime. 28 days exactly. I did actually protest but was ultimately coerced some elbow bending so any arising alcohol related problems can hereafter be blamed on others.

Amazingly woke up hangover free Saturday which was good because the heat and humidity made Friday look like a joke. Spent the morning catching up with a mate, coffeeing, shopping and walking around observing big breasted women. The irony of my head was revealed later during a haircut. About a month since my first ever shave, it had grown back incredibly quickly, whilst at the same time receding even more quickly. Give with one follicle, take with the other.

There were storm reports for Sunday but still managed to arise early and get exercised. The only real decision to make then was whether or not to wash the car. Decided against it and of course not a drop did fall. Obviously if I had, the skies would have unloaded like never before. That makes two consecutive weeks without lifting a sponge... coming very close to a record here. The afternoon saw my cousin's son's first birthday party. Haven't been to a lot of these and with eight couples I know now expecting they'll be a common fixture next year. Anyway the party was basically just a big baby explosion. Kids and baby bumps everywhere. I do concede that if you're going to find babies or bumps anywhere it will be first birthday party but it's really starting to feel like one of those African countries that haven't heard of contraception.

Alright enough. Enough of my babbling. Enough of trying to make you all think my life is not one of mediocrity. It's time we hurry along with the good stuff and not a moment too soon either because this week's update is a fucking cracker. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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Tony wasn't feeling well, and so he went to the doctor to get himself checked. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, Tony, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol and stop smoking." "I see," said Tony. "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"
The resident magician on cruise liner is constantly having his tricks undermined and ruined by the ships parrot. Each time he performs a trick the parrot squawks. "It's in his pocket." "Four of clubs." "It's got a false bottom". The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks and magician and parrot cling to a piece of driftwood. For four days the parrot says nothing and just stares at him. On the fifth day the parrot says "Okay clever cunt I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
This morning while looking for a clean shirt I found my wife's secret diary. I was both delighted and aroused to read about her rough and dirty sexual fantasies, all involving anal. That was of course until I remembered she's dyslexic and my best mate's name is Alan.
I was shagging a girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband" she said "Quick, try the back door." I knew I should have left before I got caught but there's no way I was refusing an offer to go up the ass!
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.



-Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
-40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
-315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
-On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
-Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
-Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
-Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
-Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
-There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.
-Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves.
-The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby".
-By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
-Mosquito repellents don't repel... they hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
-Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
-The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
-Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
-Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
-Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
-The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
-To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
-The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
-The 'hash' (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
-The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
-Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
-The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
-'Dreamt' is the only word in the English language that ends in "MT".
-It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
-A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
-We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
-Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
-Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.
-Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
-Blue is the favourite colour of 80% of Americans.
-When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
-There are more chickens than people in the world.
-The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
-There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
-The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
-The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.
-The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
-The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette company died of lung cancer.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
-Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
-You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
-A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
-Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
-The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
-When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
-Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
-A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
-"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
-Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
-"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.

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This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his homemade wine under the stairs. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle and poured it too down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.


A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey!" he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father..."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

If you have something to say, share, express, opinionate, verbalise, expel or send then here is where you do it. I'm looking for pretty much anything you can send including money, drugs, property or weapons but failing that will happily take jokes, pictures videos, pornography or whatever else you think may fit on Orsm. I'm not one to threaten but if you don't so what I ask then you're going to get a very nasty rash. Okay let's drop a bomb. Check it...

Jack wrote:
Subject: Puzzle - last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be THIS year and it WILL EQUAL... 111.
I am writing regarding your puzzle: "...Now go figure this out... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be THIS year and it WILL EQUAL... 111....". Do you really think that this is amazing? You cannot possibly be that stupid. The problem with today's society is that people lack basic logical reasoning skills or basic mathematical ability. It the world consisted of smarter people, then we wouldn't be having this problem. Anyway to explain:

Let x = the last two digits of the year you were born i.e. the year you were born is 1900 + x
Let y = your age this year (2011)

Its a well known fact that:
2011 - (1900+x) = y

expanding the brackets:
2011 - 1900 - x = y
2011 - 1900 = x + y (not I changed the sign of x when I moved it to the other side)

and long behold...
x + y = 111

now was that so hard?????

No one likes a show off. But to respond - the problem is not that people are dumber... we're just busier and as such don't have time to sit around conjuring up throwaway puzzles and/or solving them. We leave that for the others... -Orsm

jack wrote:
Subject: Railway Maintenance
Hey, Love the site been trolling for years. The machine in the video is a shoulder ballast cleaner. what it essentially does is remove the fouled ballast near the Railroad ties, from there is is shaken on a screen assembly to remove dirt, debris and other assorted junk. It is then place back along the ties and groomed to look nice. I work for the company that manufactures and operates these machines in the US and internationally. The company is called LORAM they manufacture machines that grind and resurface the rail. ditching machines to cleanout the drainage ditches alongside the track and a rail mounted vacuum cleaner on steroids. Google the website its pretty cool shit, nowhere near as cool as your shit but still cool.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: For those who shop online.
To all you nerdys (yes you too ORSM) making money online, listen to us! A pretty peeved online shopper, but he speak for all of us.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: nude shot of cheating ex
Longtime reader, first time sender and all that shit. Well, here you go. One of my buddies serving in Afghanistan found out his girl is a lying cheating bitch. Well, Ana Torres, we want to introduce you to a timeless military tradition. Lets take care of our soldiers. Make this bitch famous. Hold my details, please. and publish hers!
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Sambo wrote:
Subject: Accident
Spear gun accident off rotto yesterday! OUCH!!!!!!!!

Good to see the catch and release program in effect. -Orsm

Michael wrote:
Subject: Job suck?
Next time you think your job sucks, consider this guy. This picture was taken at 9:13am in Greeley, Colorado on January 31, 2011 - the temperature was 9 degrees Fahrenheit (-12.7 C) with a wind chill of 1 degree (-1 C). It is supposed to get up to a high of -3 tomorrow (-19 C).
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found on Facebook
Found this on a friends Facebook, thought your fans might see the same thing I did. I have no idea who this girl is, although I would like to find out, but check out the side Vag she is flashing.

Not quite the full vagina but -in this case- I'm cool with the tease. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: advert
For once I have seen an advert that says it as it is, this was in our local sunday paper (the Sunday Times) today 30/1/11. Don't ya just love it ??
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Shaneo wrote:
Subject: random shite - ginger ninja
No words, just look at the pic...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bar add in Jackson Hole WY
Love the site blah blah blue........ Might not be able to get through a week with out you. This is a bar ad in Jackson Hole, WY. Note the cover charge. Best skiing in the west, please don't come here to ski, leave it all to us!
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A. Citizen wrote:
Subject: rednecks
A redneck wins the lottery...

It actually looks better. -Orsm

xitz wrote:
Subject: poofies delight
Hi Mister Orsm, hers one for all the "pretty boys" who check Orsm every Friday and have fetishes about Amazon wimmen...

Really sort of draws the eye to his junk... if you're a guy and this happened then welcome to Gay Town. -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: Garage sale signs gone bad
St Lukes Road, Auckland.
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: plate
This morning's breakfast - not sure if this is personalised or not.

... unfortunately the local clergyman was unaware of the reference when taking delivery of his new car. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hide Info Pictures
Some Pictures of a biker event on Reno called "Street Vibrations". Please hide my info. Thanks
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justin wrote:
Subject: Miss airport TSA calendar
You knew this had to be coming...

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hi, Some pics for your next update. No names or addresses to be published please. They have some lovely ladies in Golden Bay!!
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justin wrote:
Subject: World's rarest car... 1954 Olds F-88!
After spending decades as a collection of parts stuffed into wooden crates – the F-88 was reassembled. In 1954 – the F-88 was a Motorama "Dream Car" and was one of only two - or an unconfirmed possible three ever created. The F-88 seen here is literally the only car left of its kind - and was sold to John and Maureen Hendricks at the prestigious Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction in Scottsdale, Arizona for an unbelievable $3,240,000. This acquisition made automotive history and is the "cornerstone" of the Gateway Colorado Automobile Museum in its own special room in a rotating display worthy of the F-88!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hi, some pics for your site. She must be the best looking accountant in perth. Please keep my details private.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: mmm
So I tapped this once, a few months ago, still chat occasionally, and out of the blue I get emailed this vid at 2:15 AM in the morning a week or so ago! Keep my shit private, cheers.

One of the scarier vaginas I've seen for a while.

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richard wrote:
Subject: fan email EX GF
Here's another vid from my lousy cheating EX girlfriend... she always wanted to be famous so how about a hand orsm? NOTE: This vid is also available to premium members of newbienudes.com

Done. -Orsm

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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toasty then he leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a ham and cheese toasty. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toasty. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toasty and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down then walks out.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a ham and cheese toasty, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit me old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toasty...?"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it!" "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toasty."

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toasty, he then waves to the crowd and leaves... NEVER TO RETURN!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar he sees a small white form floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house." The barman says, "I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty. Masses came to see you and this place was famous." The rabbit says, "Yes I know."

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead." The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the rabbit. "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause, the rabbit said... "Mixin-me-toasties."

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From the furthest corners come the greatest shites. This is fact. Check it...

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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!!'"

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Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering... have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember that doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved!"

"So when was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"


And that's murder she wrote. If you ever need a friend, someone to talk to, a little help then the following may help...

- Check out the site archives. Having no extradition treaties with any country they are the perfect place to flee.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Anyone who didn't see that coming must be an idiot.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you feel bad for being a good person... like he does to me.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and BDO this weekend wooo. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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