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February 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.02.23-18.22
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. He himself.

As much as I've tried to avoid the subject it's been kind of a momentous week in Aussie politics. Even those who couldn't give a single fuck about what our mighty overlords are usually up to have an opinion as grey battles red in a bloodsport tussle for leadership of the country. The story goes... in 2007 Kevin Rudd was elected Prime Minister. A few years later, following poor job performance and some epic failures, Kev's leadership was challenged by his then deputy, Julia Gillard. Basically it would be kind of like Hillary strolling into the oval office and telling Barrack to GTFO. She was successful, Ruddy went on TV and cried and Jules took the party to the next election, winning unconvincingly. And it's all been downhill from there. As much as I'm anti-Labor party, I don't remember a politician copping such a hard time or being scrutinised quite so much although it's probably been deserved - bad policies and decisions have made her the most unpopular PM in history. Kev in the meantime has been biding his time, quietly scheming and undermining Jules to get his job back.

This week it all came to a head. Tired of the shit Kev was stirring up it was speculated or perhaps leaked he would be fired from the perk-filled Foreign Minister job upon returning to Australia... but Kev got in first by resigning thus depriving Julia the satisfaction and freeing him up to challenge her no holds barred. That was yesterday. This morning we woke up to news Jules has called a ballot so anyone who wants to contest her leadership will be able to do so Monday. Kev is yet to officially declare intentions but now the shit talking is well and truly on. Party members are beginning to publically choose sides which should make for an interesting few days. Honestly for such a giant bunch of fuckheads this is fascinating stuff. As far as I'm concerned, no matter who is running the place we're still getting carbon taxes, mining taxes, internet filters and we're all still screwed.

Alright let's move on to more important things... namely me. Prepare yourselves for a few paragraphs covering events of the last week or so... OR just scroll down and get top the good stuff but know you'll miss hearing about what some random guy you don't care about has been up to. The choice is yours.

Friday had a few highpoints. Upon completing the daily exercise regime I departed out the door to get my car windscreen replaced. It wasn't majorly fucked, just a whole bunch of stone chips over it thanks to various road trips over the years. The car turns 5 in a week and I haven't made a single claim in that time yet the insurer felt it was warranted to increase my premium by $100. I disagreed and felt it warranted to claim a free windscreen before changing to someone cheaper. Anyway to kill the time I walked down to a car yard and test drove what I am [or was] hoping will be my next car. Not bad but in reality it will be next to impossible moving to something with less than half the power. The real buzz however was sitting in and starting up a brand new Gallardo. Unfortunately the $650k price tag probably pushes it out of my league... just slightly...

An extremely unnecessary 4.30am wakeup occurred Saturday. The next three hours were put to good use in front of the PC working so hard a sweat was almost broken. Following that, some exercise in the not-forecasted rain ahead of groceries and other crap people tend to do when visiting shopping centres. Next was something I've been meaning to do for ages - make chilli sauce. Didn't have an exact recipe to follow, just Googled what the rough process was and made my own way up from there. Pics here to save us all from a lengthy explanation. In between that it was outside beautifying the backyard and weeding before friends arrived over for dinner - my best mates, their wives and a whole bunch of kids. One thing that did come out of it... while one of the babies was being coaxed to sleep on my bed it was questioned if the ceiling fan was spinning the right direction. Checked later and sure enough it was set to 'winter'... the same setting it's been on since install about five years ago. Swapped setting to 'summer' and it's been practically cyclonic in the room ever since. The last people you ever want to know about something like this is your mates. I may be copping some shit about this one for a while...

Another retardedly early wake up Sunday preceded a walk and completion of a goal to row two kilometres each day for a week. Currently trying to turn that into two weeks and surprisingly seeing results already. Next on the agenda was car washing which consumed most of the morning before heading off to a birthday lunch thing. Had some time to kill so spent it in the park overlooking the city. Next up was another birthday, this one a first. The party was at a bar we've had many, many huge nights at over the years. Almost weird to be there with so many kids running around instead of doing shots and getting loose. And that was more or less the end of an incredibly satisfying weekend and also the first day I haven't worked in some way since early-Jan.

Alright campers if you've made it this far I have no doubt you're gagging for the update. Luckily what's below will surely quench all needs and desires. Ready...? Check it...

Tequila Zombies - SSD Angels - Kate Upton - Island Chicks - No Standards - Classy Nudes - Unknblvbl - Titty Squirt

Epic Boobies - Tits On TV - Showoff Fail - Foot WTF! - Dirty Bitch - Unlucky - Midget Porn - Oh The Pain - Roidgasm

14 Incher! - Game Over - Patio Shag - Sick Story - Drivethru Facial - Subway Wanker - Lucky Fucker - Latex Lez

It's so awkward when you send a private message to the wrong person. Like the other day, I sent a message to my 14 year old cousin that said "Hey babe, thinking of you makes my dick so hard. Can't wait to feck you tonight!" Imagine if I'd sent that to the wrong person!
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My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view... so I looked out the kitchen window.
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Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days.
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Just rang the radio station to win a car, all I had to do was answer one question: "Name the race that stops the nation?" "That's easy" I said "Aborigines!" They hung up on me.
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During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".
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After a severe drop in share prices, an investor calls his broker. "Is all my money really gone?" he asks nervously. "No" says the broker. "It's not gone. It just belongs to someone else now".

ORSM VIDEO

WALMART FACTS

-Americans spend $36,000,000 at Walmart every hour of every day. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
-Walmart is the largest private employer in the world and the richest company in the world.
-5000 stores worldwide in 10 countries. 256 stores across Canada employing over 60,000 employees.
-Walmart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
-Walmart's highest paid executive earns more money in one day than a Walmart cashier earns in 4 years.
-Walmart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
-Walmart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English.
-Last year Walmart sold more bananas than any other item.
-Walmart is the largest company in the history of the world.
-Walmart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keep in mind they did this in only 15 years. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
-Walmart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
-Walmart has approx. 3,900 stores in the US of which 1,906 are Super Centers. This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
-Walmart is the largest overall employer in the USA, and the biggest employer in 25 states.
-This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Walmart store.
-90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Walmart.
-In 2000, Walmart was sued 4,851 times - about once every 2 hours.
-The value of product for Walmart passing through the port of San Diego each year is a larger sum than 93% of ALL countries Gross National Product (GNP)... and that is only ONE port... one way - that's how Walmart gets it's stuff.
-Of the 1.6 million employees, only 1.2% make a living above the poverty level.
-Walmart's head office is located and centralised in Bentonville. Due to this fact, there are more millionaires per square mile there than any place on Earth.
-5 of the richest 13 people in the world are members of the Walton family.
-28 hours a week is considered fulltime work at Walmart.
-The official US Government position is that Walmart's prices are no lower than anyone else's when compared to a typical families weekly purchases. That's the view of the statisticians at the Bureau Of Labor Statistics (BLS) responsible for calculating the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
-92% of everything Walmart sells comes from China. Another 4% comes from Chinese owned companies in the US or in third world Countries.
-2/3 of Walmart's workers cannot participate in its health insurance plan because of its high cost and huge deductibles.
-Walmart and MOST large companies, take out life insurance on its employees, without their knowing. If an employee dies, ALL the insurance moneys go to the companies. IE. An employee making $18,000 per year, dies, and the company might make as much as $1 million. Most often these moneys coming from what is commonly referred to as "Dead Peasant Life Insurance Policies" is paid out to executives as bonuses. A common practice, unknown by the average consumer.
-Walmart now averages a 'profit' (not sales) of $25 billion per year.

ERIN NICOLE... NOT TOO MUCH I WOULD CHANGE...
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A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his engine started to cough and sputter and then died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, in total disgust. As he looked at the engine by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the shadows, came a deep voice "It's your fuel pump". The man jumped when he heard the voice, causing him to hit his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. As he looked out into the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again".

Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable" the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road. The rancher took a sip of his beer, as he looked thoughtfully at the man. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied "Yes it was! Do you think I'm crazy?" "No, you aint crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher. "Because I happen to know the black horse down there don't know diddly about cars!"

ORSM VIDEO



An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay thank you" said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call'.

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered "You're in Australia now, son - so it's a local call".

DON'T SHE KNOW IT'S RUDE TO POINT?
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ADVICE FOR AMERICAN TOURISTS IN BRITAIN
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as 'goolies' in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies".

'Quid' is the modern word for what was once called a 'shilling' - the equivalent of seventeen cents.

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched.

The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

HABITS

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta which they call a 'wank'. As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition, hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs will signal to the librarians that you are 'in the know' - one of the inner circle, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.

Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as 'cottaging'. Many of the boats (called 'yer-i-nals') are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD

British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out. The restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION

Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are 'pence'), and state your destination clearly to the driver, eg "Please take me to the British Library". A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms. You will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes though and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the 'shin' stands for 'shalom'). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.

MEANWHILE IN INDIA...
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the it happen!

Mister Nad wrote:
Subject: Home Land: FUD
Hi Orsm, That 'Home Land' email from Martin is a load of FUD. It's been doing the rounds for months and is widely discredited. As far as I am aware illegal immigrants aren't entitled to a penny, what with them being in the country illegally. I love the pictures that accompany it. Black people on the beach = Illegal immigrants. Ha ha. Thought you were brighter than that man. Big love and kisses.

My 'must be correct' comments were so obviously sarcastic... -Orsm

konstantinos wrote:
Subject: riots
my contribution to your RS from recent riots in Athens. Been a site follower for ages

Awesome. -Orsm

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Someguy wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic I took.
I saw this girl at the St. Louis Mardi Gras and thought it might be funny enough for your site. Photo attached.

The answer has more to do with her not needing big tits because most guys would stop after seeing the face. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skank ex pictures!
ORSM! I've been following your site for almost a decade! Love your site I do! Keep up the good work! Withhold my information please
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DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail. Manchester Today.
I think this guy has been robbed so many times he wants the little knobheads to know theres nothing left to steal.

Red herring. Wouldn't you break in anyway just to make sure? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Linux...
... is coming. If you don't believe me, look at the pic. (Found painted under a highway overpass in Glenwood Canyon, Colorado. Keep the deets private. You're the man.)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: being Canadain
Love the site. Long time reader. Cause this is how we do it Canadian style. For random shite. Please hide my details.
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patrick wrote:
Subject: vocabulary assignment
5th grade vocabulary assignment for Science

What are they teaching them at that school? -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Texting at the Mall. . .
I'd kill her. Classic Pontiac LeMans owner arrives at Car Show early in order to get the best display spot. Then, the next classic car, a '40 Ford shows up and grabs the second stall... Next, This Idiot woman plows through, was actually texting while driving through a mall parking lot and didn't notice the nice cars on the other side of the curb she was about to jump - never touched the brake and stayed on the throttle even after impact. I BET THIS JUST MADE THESE 2 GUYS DAY !!!!
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Mikie wrote:
Subject: vids of an ex
Hey Mr. Orsm, first time emailing in over almost seven-something years of checking your site... But I have some vids of an ex that I think are pretty grand, however... I'm not sure how to get them to you (the vids are all over 100+mb)! :( Not all is lost, though, because I have pics! And nothing would tickle me more than seeing her in an ORSM post!
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Not something you see everyday
Taken in Mozambique.

Reminded me of these except way, WAY more impressive. -Orsm

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Austin wrote:
Subject: Clever Hints
I thought some of these were great ideas!

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Here's a fabulous explanation of the symbiosis between LONELINESS & POVERTY.
When your kids ask you: why they have to study or work all their life and continue making money... Show them this picture of Flavio Briatori - President of Renault... and his current girlfriend... And then explain that this is not a... 'LOVE RELATIONSHIP"... but a "HATE RELATIONSHIP"...!!! HE HATES BEING LONELY...AND SHE HATES POVERTY
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sissyjaney wrote:
Subject: my pictures
Mr Orsm I'm to forward you pics myself from now on, I hope you publish these new pictures of me all taken Saturday night 2/19/2012. All rights to the images are of course yours. Thank You

You guys scare me a little bit. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Culvert, I don't see no stinkin culvert?
It happened on the Kalgoorlie to Perth Road. A culvert was being installed across the road with a detour gravel road graded around the whole area. The Truckee has just blown clean on through the detour signs and punted straight into the trench. Luckily he survived with minor injuries! How? I don't know! Check out the third picture........................
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Sheena wrote:
Subject: horny wife pics
Hey Mr.Orsm, My name is Sheena, I'm 26 years old wild girl from the Philippines. I am married but currently separated and in the process of divorce. I used to be a nice girl who cooked, cleaned, washed and was obedient to my husband but then we lived apart for a while and he dumped me. So now I'm a horny slut who spreads her legs for all. I love to suck cock, swallow loads of cum (I will lick it off the floor or other surface if you miss), get my pussy drilled, destroyed and abused and get my asshole torn apart by monster cocks, I also enjoy double penetration and I love foursomes with three guys. I am basically your ideal sex toy that never gets tired and always wants more. I enjoy being called whore, slut, it turns me on even more and I become a sex beast who will suck your cock dry. When I work, I sometimes have to run to the toilet as cum starts to drip out my holes. I am sending you my pictures and one vid, my email is heena.fernan@gmail.com (feel free to post it). I want to hear what guys think of my body, pussy, tits and ass. I also want to hear their fantasies about me. How would you treat a bad girl like me huh? No guarantee I will be replying my huge audience hehe. Mwah, love kisses and cock licks, Sheena <3

<with held> wrote:
Subject: FYI
Lara Bingle let herself go...

Hmmm... -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Quite Interesting
Interesting little story...
click to view PowerPoint file

Ed wrote:
Subject: CarStop
The perpetrator did not survive......

... and that's why you don't mess with cops. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

ORSM VIDEO

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

FOR THE SKINNY LOVERS - SOPHIE STRAUSS
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An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

RANDOM SHITE

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An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"  The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

TYLAR JACOBS PLAYING WITH HER GORGEOUS PUSSY
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Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane". "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first".

The second lady said: "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties".

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first".

The third lady says "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties". "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hear me right! I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first".

ORSM VIDEO


Okay I'm done. Cannot even begin to tell you guys just how many fucking hours it took getting this update together. Much to my satisfaction, the bombardment of my email seems to intensify daily which I feel like is making updates rock lately. Anyway let's get gone... after you peruse the following of course...

- Check out the site archives before they get too big for their britches.
- Next update will be next Thursday... the day before I skidaddle to Bali for a few. OH HELLS YES.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go and piss all over the toilet seat every time you need to take a shit. Ray's piss REALLY stinks.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not undermine my leadership. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.02.23-18.22
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. He himself.

As much as I've tried to avoid the subject it's been kind of a momentous week in Aussie politics. Even those who couldn't give a single fuck about what our mighty overlords are usually up to have an opinion as grey battles red in a bloodsport tussle for leadership of the country. The story goes... in 2007 Kevin Rudd was elected Prime Minister. A few years later, following poor job performance and some epic failures, Kev's leadership was challenged by his then deputy, Julia Gillard. Basically it would be kind of like Hillary strolling into the oval office and telling Barrack to GTFO. She was successful, Ruddy went on TV and cried and Jules took the party to the next election, winning unconvincingly. And it's all been downhill from there. As much as I'm anti-Labor party, I don't remember a politician copping such a hard time or being scrutinised quite so much although it's probably been deserved - bad policies and decisions have made her the most unpopular PM in history. Kev in the meantime has been biding his time, quietly scheming and undermining Jules to get his job back.

This week it all came to a head. Tired of the shit Kev was stirring up it was speculated or perhaps leaked he would be fired from the perk-filled Foreign Minister job upon returning to Australia... but Kev got in first by resigning thus depriving Julia the satisfaction and freeing him up to challenge her no holds barred. That was yesterday. This morning we woke up to news Jules has called a ballot so anyone who wants to contest her leadership will be able to do so Monday. Kev is yet to officially declare intentions but now the shit talking is well and truly on. Party members are beginning to publically choose sides which should make for an interesting few days. Honestly for such a giant bunch of fuckheads this is fascinating stuff. As far as I'm concerned, no matter who is running the place we're still getting carbon taxes, mining taxes, internet filters and we're all still screwed.

Alright let's move on to more important things... namely me. Prepare yourselves for a few paragraphs covering events of the last week or so... OR just scroll down and get top the good stuff but know you'll miss hearing about what some random guy you don't care about has been up to. The choice is yours.

Friday had a few highpoints. Upon completing the daily exercise regime I departed out the door to get my car windscreen replaced. It wasn't majorly fucked, just a whole bunch of stone chips over it thanks to various road trips over the years. The car turns 5 in a week and I haven't made a single claim in that time yet the insurer felt it was warranted to increase my premium by $100. I disagreed and felt it warranted to claim a free windscreen before changing to someone cheaper. Anyway to kill the time I walked down to a car yard and test drove what I am [or was] hoping will be my next car. Not bad but in reality it will be next to impossible moving to something with less than half the power. The real buzz however was sitting in and starting up a brand new Gallardo. Unfortunately the $650k price tag probably pushes it out of my league... just slightly...

An extremely unnecessary 4.30am wakeup occurred Saturday. The next three hours were put to good use in front of the PC working so hard a sweat was almost broken. Following that, some exercise in the not-forecasted rain ahead of groceries and other crap people tend to do when visiting shopping centres. Next was something I've been meaning to do for ages - make chilli sauce. Didn't have an exact recipe to follow, just Googled what the rough process was and made my own way up from there. Pics here to save us all from a lengthy explanation. In between that it was outside beautifying the backyard and weeding before friends arrived over for dinner - my best mates, their wives and a whole bunch of kids. One thing that did come out of it... while one of the babies was being coaxed to sleep on my bed it was questioned if the ceiling fan was spinning the right direction. Checked later and sure enough it was set to 'winter'... the same setting it's been on since install about five years ago. Swapped setting to 'summer' and it's been practically cyclonic in the room ever since. The last people you ever want to know about something like this is your mates. I may be copping some shit about this one for a while...

Another retardedly early wake up Sunday preceded a walk and completion of a goal to row two kilometres each day for a week. Currently trying to turn that into two weeks and surprisingly seeing results already. Next on the agenda was car washing which consumed most of the morning before heading off to a birthday lunch thing. Had some time to kill so spent it in the park overlooking the city. Next up was another birthday, this one a first. The party was at a bar we've had many, many huge nights at over the years. Almost weird to be there with so many kids running around instead of doing shots and getting loose. And that was more or less the end of an incredibly satisfying weekend and also the first day I haven't worked in some way since early-Jan.

Alright campers if you've made it this far I have no doubt you're gagging for the update. Luckily what's below will surely quench all needs and desires. Ready...? Check it...

Tequila Zombies - SSD Angels - Kate Upton - Island Chicks - No Standards - Classy Nudes - Unknblvbl - Titty Squirt

Epic Boobies - Tits On TV - Showoff Fail - Foot WTF! - Dirty Bitch - Unlucky - Midget Porn - Oh The Pain - Roidgasm

14 Incher! - Game Over - Patio Shag - Sick Story - Drivethru Facial - Subway Wanker - Lucky Fucker - Latex Lez

It's so awkward when you send a private message to the wrong person. Like the other day, I sent a message to my 14 year old cousin that said "Hey babe, thinking of you makes my dick so hard. Can't wait to feck you tonight!" Imagine if I'd sent that to the wrong person!
--
My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view... so I looked out the kitchen window.
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Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days.
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Just rang the radio station to win a car, all I had to do was answer one question: "Name the race that stops the nation?" "That's easy" I said "Aborigines!" They hung up on me.
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During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".
--
After a severe drop in share prices, an investor calls his broker. "Is all my money really gone?" he asks nervously. "No" says the broker. "It's not gone. It just belongs to someone else now".

ORSM VIDEO

WALMART FACTS

-Americans spend $36,000,000 at Walmart every hour of every day. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
-Walmart is the largest private employer in the world and the richest company in the world.
-5000 stores worldwide in 10 countries. 256 stores across Canada employing over 60,000 employees.
-Walmart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
-Walmart's highest paid executive earns more money in one day than a Walmart cashier earns in 4 years.
-Walmart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
-Walmart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English.
-Last year Walmart sold more bananas than any other item.
-Walmart is the largest company in the history of the world.
-Walmart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keep in mind they did this in only 15 years. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
-Walmart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
-Walmart has approx. 3,900 stores in the US of which 1,906 are Super Centers. This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
-Walmart is the largest overall employer in the USA, and the biggest employer in 25 states.
-This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Walmart store.
-90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Walmart.
-In 2000, Walmart was sued 4,851 times - about once every 2 hours.
-The value of product for Walmart passing through the port of San Diego each year is a larger sum than 93% of ALL countries Gross National Product (GNP)... and that is only ONE port... one way - that's how Walmart gets it's stuff.
-Of the 1.6 million employees, only 1.2% make a living above the poverty level.
-Walmart's head office is located and centralised in Bentonville. Due to this fact, there are more millionaires per square mile there than any place on Earth.
-5 of the richest 13 people in the world are members of the Walton family.
-28 hours a week is considered fulltime work at Walmart.
-The official US Government position is that Walmart's prices are no lower than anyone else's when compared to a typical families weekly purchases. That's the view of the statisticians at the Bureau Of Labor Statistics (BLS) responsible for calculating the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
-92% of everything Walmart sells comes from China. Another 4% comes from Chinese owned companies in the US or in third world Countries.
-2/3 of Walmart's workers cannot participate in its health insurance plan because of its high cost and huge deductibles.
-Walmart and MOST large companies, take out life insurance on its employees, without their knowing. If an employee dies, ALL the insurance moneys go to the companies. IE. An employee making $18,000 per year, dies, and the company might make as much as $1 million. Most often these moneys coming from what is commonly referred to as "Dead Peasant Life Insurance Policies" is paid out to executives as bonuses. A common practice, unknown by the average consumer.
-Walmart now averages a 'profit' (not sales) of $25 billion per year.

ERIN NICOLE... NOT TOO MUCH I WOULD CHANGE...
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A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his engine started to cough and sputter and then died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, in total disgust. As he looked at the engine by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the shadows, came a deep voice "It's your fuel pump". The man jumped when he heard the voice, causing him to hit his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. As he looked out into the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again".

Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable" the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road. The rancher took a sip of his beer, as he looked thoughtfully at the man. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied "Yes it was! Do you think I'm crazy?" "No, you aint crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher. "Because I happen to know the black horse down there don't know diddly about cars!"

ORSM VIDEO



An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay thank you" said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call'.

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered "You're in Australia now, son - so it's a local call".

DON'T SHE KNOW IT'S RUDE TO POINT?
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ADVICE FOR AMERICAN TOURISTS IN BRITAIN
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as 'goolies' in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies".

'Quid' is the modern word for what was once called a 'shilling' - the equivalent of seventeen cents.

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched.

The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

HABITS

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta which they call a 'wank'. As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition, hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs will signal to the librarians that you are 'in the know' - one of the inner circle, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.

Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as 'cottaging'. Many of the boats (called 'yer-i-nals') are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD

British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out. The restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION

Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are 'pence'), and state your destination clearly to the driver, eg "Please take me to the British Library". A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms. You will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes though and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the 'shin' stands for 'shalom'). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.

MEANWHILE IN INDIA...
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the it happen!

Mister Nad wrote:
Subject: Home Land: FUD
Hi Orsm, That 'Home Land' email from Martin is a load of FUD. It's been doing the rounds for months and is widely discredited. As far as I am aware illegal immigrants aren't entitled to a penny, what with them being in the country illegally. I love the pictures that accompany it. Black people on the beach = Illegal immigrants. Ha ha. Thought you were brighter than that man. Big love and kisses.

My 'must be correct' comments were so obviously sarcastic... -Orsm

konstantinos wrote:
Subject: riots
my contribution to your RS from recent riots in Athens. Been a site follower for ages

Awesome. -Orsm

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Someguy wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic I took.
I saw this girl at the St. Louis Mardi Gras and thought it might be funny enough for your site. Photo attached.

The answer has more to do with her not needing big tits because most guys would stop after seeing the face. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skank ex pictures!
ORSM! I've been following your site for almost a decade! Love your site I do! Keep up the good work! Withhold my information please
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DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail. Manchester Today.
I think this guy has been robbed so many times he wants the little knobheads to know theres nothing left to steal.

Red herring. Wouldn't you break in anyway just to make sure? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Linux...
... is coming. If you don't believe me, look at the pic. (Found painted under a highway overpass in Glenwood Canyon, Colorado. Keep the deets private. You're the man.)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: being Canadain
Love the site. Long time reader. Cause this is how we do it Canadian style. For random shite. Please hide my details.
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patrick wrote:
Subject: vocabulary assignment
5th grade vocabulary assignment for Science

What are they teaching them at that school? -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Texting at the Mall. . .
I'd kill her. Classic Pontiac LeMans owner arrives at Car Show early in order to get the best display spot. Then, the next classic car, a '40 Ford shows up and grabs the second stall... Next, This Idiot woman plows through, was actually texting while driving through a mall parking lot and didn't notice the nice cars on the other side of the curb she was about to jump - never touched the brake and stayed on the throttle even after impact. I BET THIS JUST MADE THESE 2 GUYS DAY !!!!
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Mikie wrote:
Subject: vids of an ex
Hey Mr. Orsm, first time emailing in over almost seven-something years of checking your site... But I have some vids of an ex that I think are pretty grand, however... I'm not sure how to get them to you (the vids are all over 100+mb)! :( Not all is lost, though, because I have pics! And nothing would tickle me more than seeing her in an ORSM post!
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Not something you see everyday
Taken in Mozambique.

Reminded me of these except way, WAY more impressive. -Orsm

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Austin wrote:
Subject: Clever Hints
I thought some of these were great ideas!

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Here's a fabulous explanation of the symbiosis between LONELINESS & POVERTY.
When your kids ask you: why they have to study or work all their life and continue making money... Show them this picture of Flavio Briatori - President of Renault... and his current girlfriend... And then explain that this is not a... 'LOVE RELATIONSHIP"... but a "HATE RELATIONSHIP"...!!! HE HATES BEING LONELY...AND SHE HATES POVERTY
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sissyjaney wrote:
Subject: my pictures
Mr Orsm I'm to forward you pics myself from now on, I hope you publish these new pictures of me all taken Saturday night 2/19/2012. All rights to the images are of course yours. Thank You

You guys scare me a little bit. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Culvert, I don't see no stinkin culvert?
It happened on the Kalgoorlie to Perth Road. A culvert was being installed across the road with a detour gravel road graded around the whole area. The Truckee has just blown clean on through the detour signs and punted straight into the trench. Luckily he survived with minor injuries! How? I don't know! Check out the third picture........................
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Sheena wrote:
Subject: horny wife pics
Hey Mr.Orsm, My name is Sheena, I'm 26 years old wild girl from the Philippines. I am married but currently separated and in the process of divorce. I used to be a nice girl who cooked, cleaned, washed and was obedient to my husband but then we lived apart for a while and he dumped me. So now I'm a horny slut who spreads her legs for all. I love to suck cock, swallow loads of cum (I will lick it off the floor or other surface if you miss), get my pussy drilled, destroyed and abused and get my asshole torn apart by monster cocks, I also enjoy double penetration and I love foursomes with three guys. I am basically your ideal sex toy that never gets tired and always wants more. I enjoy being called whore, slut, it turns me on even more and I become a sex beast who will suck your cock dry. When I work, I sometimes have to run to the toilet as cum starts to drip out my holes. I am sending you my pictures and one vid, my email is heena.fernan@gmail.com (feel free to post it). I want to hear what guys think of my body, pussy, tits and ass. I also want to hear their fantasies about me. How would you treat a bad girl like me huh? No guarantee I will be replying my huge audience hehe. Mwah, love kisses and cock licks, Sheena <3

<with held> wrote:
Subject: FYI
Lara Bingle let herself go...

Hmmm... -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Quite Interesting
Interesting little story...
click to view PowerPoint file

Ed wrote:
Subject: CarStop
The perpetrator did not survive......

... and that's why you don't mess with cops. -Orsm

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

ORSM VIDEO

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

FOR THE SKINNY LOVERS - SOPHIE STRAUSS
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An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

RANDOM SHITE

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An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"  The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

TYLAR JACOBS PLAYING WITH HER GORGEOUS PUSSY
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Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane". "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first".

The second lady said: "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties".

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first".

The third lady says "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties". "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hear me right! I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first".

ORSM VIDEO


Okay I'm done. Cannot even begin to tell you guys just how many fucking hours it took getting this update together. Much to my satisfaction, the bombardment of my email seems to intensify daily which I feel like is making updates rock lately. Anyway let's get gone... after you peruse the following of course...

- Check out the site archives before they get too big for their britches.
- Next update will be next Thursday... the day before I skidaddle to Bali for a few. OH HELLS YES.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go and piss all over the toilet seat every time you need to take a shit. Ray's piss REALLY stinks.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not undermine my leadership. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.02.16-19.47
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Like for a rate.

This is a first and before the strongly worded emails start rolling in, I'll preface it by saying there was absolutely no adult material or anything else objectionable gracing my screen but the last few hours have marked my first solo babysitting effort. My sis decided that my uncle duties [uncles have duties apparently...] would now include child minding whilst she's off doing whatever. So as I type there's an 8 month old sitting on the desk doing everything possible to prevent that. But enough baby talk for the moment. One of my biggest pet hates are the mums who clog up Facebook with every, every, EVERY little thing their child does no matter how irrelevant or inane. OMG baby likes fruit... quick must tell Facebook!! OMG baby just smiled... quick must tell Facebook!! OMG I'm totally sleep deprived... quick must tell Facebook!!

Speaking of Facebook. Is there a better source for finding out when a celebrity dies. I read a friend's 'RIP Whitney' status after hearing the 9am news which didn't mention it. The jokes of course started not long after. Nothing particularly new about another celebrity drug death but the time between first reports and first jokes is ever shortening. I read somewhere [Reddit maybe] that jokes so soon after were in bad taste. A comment followed along the lines of 'If she didn't value her life, why should we?'. That's good enough for me. See below for a whole bunch.

Aaaand moving on. Absolutely gigantic last seven days that have given me crappity-crap loads of crap to crap on about so let's get crapping...

Starting with last Thursday before the update was even up - somehow managed to get my shit finished early and had the evening free so toddled off to the cinema to watch Safe House. If you haven't seen it and you like violence this film is probably for you. Lots of people getting shot and/or bashed to death made for entertaining viewing.

Friday began with a 33 kilometre cycling punishment for om nom nom nom-ing an entire bag of M&M's at the movies. Took a route around a large lake which I won't be taking again at least until its cooler. The guy walking around with one of those snake poles trying to catch snakes was a pretty good sign snakes were in the area. Did I mention my dislike for snakes? And my dislike for snake bites? After getting home, showering and running some errands I was booked for baby training. Basically two hours of how to wipe up shit, change a nappy and 'sssshhhh' a baby to sleep. Not as hard as I thought.

Have no idea what happened on Saturday. It just sort of evaporated. Some light exercise was undertaken, food shopping, worked for a few hours, vet visit for vaccinations and an only mildly passable homemade Pad Thai attempt.

With a rainy forecast I couldn't decide between hitting the beach or jumping on the bike. In the end a walk with pooch won over. From there it was off to the dog wash and home to begin a day in front of the PC. Thankfully that ridiculous notion didn't last long and we headed south for lunch at a pub along the river. Pizza and beer really not such a bad way to spend an afternoon. It was homeward from there and then past a friends place for an hour to chat, gossip and criticise his handyman skills. And that was about it. Good weekend was good.

And without further ado let's get on with the update. Check it...

Dead Zed - Kate Upton - Binaural - Hot Sexy Butts - Bikini FTW - Loh-HAWTNESS - Rotten Crotch - Banging Abroad

Perfection - Raaaage!! - Bad Cops - I'm On Fire - Bald Whore - Oh Hell Yes! - Hot As Fuck - Boob Attack - Tazer Ball

Roller Girl - Your Mate? - Wrong Lover - Sweet BJ - Big Fugly - Humiliating - Spectator Owned - Balls Deep

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one".
--
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti English slogans including 'death to all infidels' stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the accelerator and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself "That could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck driver.
--
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously haven't been listening".
--
This young man had never had sex before he met his soon-to-be bride. On his honeymoon bed, he kisses his wife on the cheek, shuts off the light and rolls over to go to sleep. She was very surprised and said "Hey baby, aren't you going to make love to me?" In which he replied "Hell no, my mother told me you women have teeth between your legs!" His wife thought this was hilarious so she turned on the light and spread her legs and said "See honey, no teeth!" He surveyed the situation up and down and said "Well no shit, look at the way your gums look!"
--
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe; 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
--
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

ORSM VIDEO


WHITNEY... THANK YOU FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT YOU ARE NOW PROVIDING US

-I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in a bath yesterday. I called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the time they arrived.

-What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's Day? Whitney's Crack Pipe.

-When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we have a problem".

-Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.

-What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her crack.

-Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's room... I bet Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.

-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? 204 days.

-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson? One was a crackhead and one fucked little boys.

-What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has white stuff around its nose? A border collie.

-A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?

-Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead and that she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.

-Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of crack before he gets there.

-Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to exhale.

-What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's nose.

-Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??

-What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.

-Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it was Diet Coke.

-Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?

-Tragic news from the music industry "Justin Bieber still alive!"

-Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she made the right decision.

-A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in hell, us or her.

-With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast improvement in her live shows.

-I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.

-So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.

-Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please form a line? It's what she would have wanted.

-On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown still played a gig. I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of people pay to see Bobby Brown?

-Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.

-Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel room. One says to the other "I've never heard of her. What was she famous for?" The other copper replies "She was a very well-known musician". The first detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?"

-Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not "Whitney".

-For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit'.

-Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.

-Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support Division: Whitney Houston Unplugged.

-Decorations will be different in the Houston house this coming Christmas. There will still be a tree but fewer needles lying on the floor.

-Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney Houston. What saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely be out soon.

-Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a pile of white powder.

-Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.

-Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs. On a high note.

-It is such a shame to hear about Whitney Houston dying of a drug overdose. I was truly hoping that she died in a car crash while giving Mariah Carey and Celine Dion a lift.

-Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a great asset to the music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The Queen of Pop' and I'd just like to take a moment and say we will miss her greatly. May Elton John rest in peace.

-Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the bodyguard is on tonight, she dies in the end.

AMY REID WILL MAKE YOUR PENIS HAPPY
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THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

STILL HAVING A BAD DAY? JUST REMEMBER, IT COULD BE WORSE...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

HOW ABOUT NOW? STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

WHAT? STILL HAVING A BAD DAY??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

ORSM VIDEO



On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old, pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough he heard the "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." and knew just what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick" said the boy "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk".

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me". The old man whispered "Boy, you've been telling me the truth". Let's see if we can see the Lord...?"

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done".

YOU GOTTA LOVE A CHUBBY
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There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch".

RIDICULOUS BODY KITS
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

Dick wrote:
Subject: ORSM Update 2012.02.09
HI, reading the product warning labels for stupid people section I was reminded about my favourite stupid translations in manuals. From a Ducati user's manual comes "Never start a cold engine".

Tim wrote:
Subject: notes on the destroyed S&W 629
A couple of quick points on the blown up revolver: 1. the bullet looks like a Hornady XTP - the Chinese don't load hollowpoints. 2. they don't use brass cases - steel only. 3. they don't load .44 magnum - military calibers only. I'm pretty sure this guy made some bad reloads, and is trying to switch the blame.

Craig wrote:
Subject: exploding revolvers
No doubt you already have several rebuttles re that hand gun. Don't believe for a second about the "chines" ammo. Most likely a hand reloader, put too much powder in his reloads. I double charged a 357 magnum load, that went into my first revolver. Cracked the top strap, and the gun is now a paperweight. And I was loading light. If I had been loading to Magnum specs, I'm pretty sure the result would have been similar to that one.. here a forum link to a discussion... pic of the same thing in a snub nose revolver

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Killer whale spotted in Durban Beach !
Looks like a metro cop ......... :) Regards

That is fucking horrific. -Orsm

STOOGEd wrote:
Subject: Saying ... I love you ?
Hurry guys, only 1 left in stock !!

Comments section is somewhat amusing too. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny pic
Hi orsm, Long time viewer first time contributor. Use this if you wish. And I suppose you should with hold my details

They really are the most retarded thing going... except for this next email maybe... -Orsm

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Craig wrote:
Subject: Lashes
These would look great on your car.....

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John wrote:
Subject: Cruise Ship Captain's New job
Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a CN locomotive engineer yesterday!
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SS wrote:
Subject: Valentine's
Happy Valentine's Day :)

Feeling the love. -Orsm

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Barish E wrote:
Subject: Funny pics for Valentine's Day
Hi (Orsm), I've been a long time fan of your site. I really hope this pic, which represents my cynical thoughts on Valentine's Day, makes it to your post soon from now.
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Aren't other languages funny as fuck?
I know it probably means something really really important in their language. But to us it means " dude, your dick is all fucked up!"
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ElK wrote:
Subject: It had to start !
Thought you might like this one

Got this email about 10 million times. For those who don't know what it's all about, see this. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fuck, i forgot these pics
I forgot to add these pics too. As usual hide details. Thanks bro. Cheers!

These are a follow up to these. -Orsm

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martin wrote:
Subject: Home Land
This makes you wonder about our respective Govts, are they all stupid or what? No, its not Somalia, Nigeria, Ethiopia, its SOUTHEND ON SEA Saturday the end of July 2011. OH BRITAIN, where did we go wrong? We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,????????? Are you aware of the following? The British Government provides the following financial assistance:
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly allowance £104.
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly allowance £250
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly Spouse allowance £25
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly Spouse allowance £225
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Additional weekly hardship allowance £0;00
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Additional weekly hardship allowance £100
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT < £6,000
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £29,900
Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can lobby for a decent aged pension.
After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

Did a -very- quick search on what this is all about but didn't find much so it must be correct. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: MAMITA from Mexico
Hi from Mexico, I check the site since probably 6 years ago and love it. well see the picturesm this girl used to be work in the same place that I, she was the firts girl that I met that she's boyfriend ( my friend) take some pictures and share only to his friends ( yeap ..... sure). as you can see is a hottie, after a couple of weeks that everybody check this pictures was fired, so wy can not have more of this nice pictures. thi is the first time comtribution, please hyde details. regards.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: motorcycles from the Past
Lick your chops on some of these babies.....
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: southern 80 ski race pics...
here's some pics that i took of the southern 80 boats as they passed by our camp, 16klms from the start. 90,000 people packed echuca/moama ,and the banks of the murray river to watch the largest ski race in the world!!.. enjoy and hide my details if ya use the pics..cheers big ears
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Work and Pleasure
Hey Orsm, Some more pics of this beautiful Woman I have been fucking when she is away from home on Work trips. She is dynamite in bed. Her favorite is having her ass licked and i'm only too happy to oblige! I'll take more with every encounter so will keep them coming through when I can. Readers feel free to contact me with any requests/comments. We all know compliments are encouragement.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: backin up lady
This is a link to my moms video, the backin up song. It got some decent attention but I knew it would not be complete without it being on your website! Thanks for keeping Thursdays entertaining! Please hide my details. I know if they want to find out who I am, the resourceful ones will. If people still like the song they can buy it on itunes. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video
Bill wrote:
Subject: Check out Two Guys Crash Plane Despite Alarm
Just like crashing a Bentley.... From the hull # (LX SAR) I think this happened in Luxemburg. They say that this only happens to two types of pilots....Those that have done it and those that will. Thank goodness for fixed gear!
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

ORSM VIDEO

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote" he says. We'll have a new one".

NIKKI GETS THE DICKY... AND A PUSSY PUMPING FOR GOOD MEASURE...
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I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Swan River near Fremantle.

The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption while visiting 'someone' in the area.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, a Fremantle Dockers T-shirt and had a stick of celery protruding from his rectum.

The police removed the T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See, our police do care!

RANDOM SHITE

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THE INDIAN OLYMPICS

The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan and the next competition was the Hammer Toss. The first Indian up was representing New Brunswick. He grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards. "Holy shit you have broken the world record. How'd you do it?" he is asked. "My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher and I am a fisher, have strong arms, throw hammer far".

The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards. "You just broke the last guys record. How'd you do it?" he is asked. "My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger, strong arms, throw hammer far".

The third Indian is representing Manitoba and he grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards. "Holy shit, you just blew everyone away. How'd you do it?" "My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible".

TARYN THOMAS - GOOD BUT NOT GREAT
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.

ORSM VIDEO


Okay I think we're about done and because I really don't want to dwell on it, I'll just leave you with the following...

- Check out the site archives. Do you need a reason? Just do it okay. Fuck me... do you have to argue everything? Just do it and STFU.
- Next update will be next Thursday. 99% fat content guaranteed.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you feel really, really bad about yourself with his huge intellect and cunning wit.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ugggh. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.02.09-21.21
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Filthy white dog.

Talk about your uneventful weeks. Matter of fact the only thing even resembling a highlight was proven otherwise. It came yesterday, when after cutting a rather powerful fart in the kitchen and delighting in the prolonged linger, I realised it was actually just the odour of freshly chopped up dog food masquerading as intestinal gas... although now I think of it, probably worse for the dog to be eating food that smalls like fart.

Absolutely hanging out for Bali. Three weeks until departure and then... four whole days away from reality. Hardly seems worth it but I'll take what I can get. Pretty sure I've worked in some way every day for the last month. Sure it may have been smarter to ramp shit up over the cooler months and actually have some time to enjoy summer but clearly I'm not that smart.

Movin' on. I really don't feel like blogging my take on current events dominating the news including boat people [don't care] or the likely replacement of the prime minister [really don't care] or how Aboriginal protesters have made the rest of Australia hate them again [really really reaaaally don't care]. Instead I'll just run through all of what's been going on. If you have even half a brain you'll just scroll down past this bit and get to the cool stuff...

Friday was like most others and made up of the usual activities except I decided it was time for an eye test. Cannot remember the last time I had them checked but it's easily over ten years. With the excessive hours spent dead-staring my monitor, sore eyes, dry eyes, watery eyes and headaches it seemed like a good idea to get shit make an appointment. The result - perfect and no need for glasses unless I particularly wanted them. Errr...?

After manoeuvring myself out of some gayness involving country music I had the evening to myself so sat down to watch Limitless. Honestly one of the best movies I've seen in ages and can safely say nothing has made me want to take drugs that much since Scarface.

Saturday, as usual, began with 20 kilometres of cycling exertion on a route never before ridden and probably with good reason - hills. Hills are friend to no one except perhaps those who like hills. The wind didn't help much either but the result at least was that feeling of accomplishment, that you're better than anyone else who's ever been on a bike.  Returned home for some mutt walking action ahead of tackling the mountainous pile of papers, unopened mail and bills blanketing my desk. That unpleasantness came to an end mid-afternoon with the arrival of a mate to help get my TV and associated elements working again. I can fix just about any computer problem but when it comes to configing hi fi components my brain loses interest very quickly. I am very good at holding the torch and pushing cables through holes though [no pun intended]. This debacle has been ongoing for the last few months and, amongst other capabilities, have annoyingly been without a DVD player but come 6pm everything was sorted... or so we thought. Didn't actually realise until later that half of it was still nonoperational so... that's how Sunday morning kicked off.

After a planned sleep-in that is. Kind of sad that sleep-ins have to be planned but it is what it is. The TV crap was finally sorted once and for all by late morning. Hopefully it'll remain that way for a few months and I won't be bothered by those annoying "There's something wrong with the TV" shouts from the other room. The rest of the day - a continuation of paperwork and spread sheets and other shit no one likes. Didn't quite get finished but I'm so so close to being able to file everything away and not have to open another piece of mail for a few months. Almost worth sacrificing the weekend. And that was it. Fixed TV, worked and only time I left the house was to get lunch on Saturday. Like I said - mediocre right?

And with that we can get on with things. I shant dwell on what you guys will find below suffice to say it will blow minds around the world. Check it...

Heavy Pwnage - Incredible Bod - Amazing Butts - Risqué Babes - She Pooped? - Lohan Nipple - College Lezzies

Tits Fell Out - Cruel Nature - Insanely Hot - Fuck Yeah! - Beauty & Beast - WTF Hermies - Insertions - Perfect 10

Sorry Baby - Whorish - You're Sick!! - Subway Suicides - The Violators - Insta-Death - The Shitter - The Cumwalk

Bet your female friend she can't use both her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
--
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
I hate auto-correct! I just sent a text to my Nan asking for sex tonight by mistake! I meant tomorrow!!
--
A robber bursts into the bank and yells "Give me the money!" A brave customer runs over and pulls his mask off. "You can't rob the bank now. I've seen your face!" The robber thinks about it for a moment and then shoots him. "Anyone else see my face?" he asked menacingly. After a few moments silence, a man shouts up "I think my wife had a look!"
--
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
--
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".

ORSM VIDEO


PRODUCT WARNING LABELS FOR STUPID PEOPLE

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
On a bottle of children cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Doritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
In an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet".
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish".
On a curling iron: "For external use only!"
On a curling iron: "Warning: This product can burn eyes".
On a hair dryer: "Do not use in shower".
On a hand-held massaging device: "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious".
On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket: "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment".
On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking".
On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover".
On an electric rotary tool: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill".
On a container of deodorant: "Caution: Do not spray in eyes".
On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard: "Do not drive with sunshield in place".
On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn: "Caution: This is not a safety protective device".
On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter: "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks".
On a battery: See a scanned image: "Battery may explore or leak".
On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner".
On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: "Not intended for highway use".
On a Holmes bathroom heater: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms".
On a can of self-defence pepper spray: "May irritate eyes".
On a novelty rock garden set called 'Popcorn Rock': "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth".
On a Domino's Pizza box: "Caution! Contents hot!"
On a coffee cup: "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
On a product called 'Rubber Band Shooter': "Caution: Shoots rubber bands".
On a Frisbee: "Warning: May contain small parts".
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally".
On a butcher knife: "Please keep out of children".
On a birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less".
On a battery: "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use".
In the manual for a heated seat cushion: "Warning: Do not use on eyes".
On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with remaining eye".
In the manual for a microwave oven: "Do not use for drying pets".
On an electric cattle prod: "For use on animals only".
On a can of air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only".
On a can of air freshener: "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers".
On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you".
In the manual for a jet ski: "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft".
A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm: "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death".
On a package of silly putty: "Do not use as ear plugs".
On the packaging of a sharpening stone: "Warning: knives are sharp!"
On a pack of Breath Savers: "Not for weight control".
On the label of a bottled drink: "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth".
On a milk crate: "Theft of this container is a crime".
On a tube of deodorant: "Do not use intimately".
On a box of rat poison: "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice".
On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid: "Cannot be made non-poisonous".
On a portable stroller: "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage".
On the dash board of a mail truck: "Look before driving".
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On a string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a child sized Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a sign at a railroad station: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted".
On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets: "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems".
On a lighter: "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame".
On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy: "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball".
On a package of dice: "Not for human consumption".
On a shipment of hammers: "May be harmful if swallowed".
From a manual for an SGI computer: "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers".
On a package of peanuts: "Warning: May contain nuts".
On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing: "Do not eat".
On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds: "Access hole only. Not intended for use in lifting box".
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle: "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death".
In the instructions for an electric thermometer: "Do not use orally after using rectally".
On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain: "Turn off motor before using this product".
On a box of bottle rockets: "Do not put in mouth".
On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: "Remove wrapper before eating".
On a remote control for a TV: "Not dishwasher safe".
On the box for a car jack: "For lifting purposes only".
On the instructions for a cordless phone: "Do not put lit candles on phone".

ORSM FAVE: HANNAH HILTON
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Recently a Husband Super Store opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

So a couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying 'These men have jobs and love kids'. The women read the sign and said "Well that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking'. "Hmmm" said the ladies "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor. This sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework'. "Wow" said the women "Very tempting". But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak'. "Oh, mercy me" they cried "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said 'There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store'.

To avoid gender bias issues, the store owners open a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

ORSM VIDEO



A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day-5kg weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

The sign reads: If you can catch me, you can have me.

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day-10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7-day-25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program". "Absolutely" he replies "I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: If I catch you, you're mine. He lost 31kgs that week.

EMO HOTTIES
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well... you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus". The man certainly isn't going to pass this up so he asks "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first" says the bartender "those are the rules!"

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay" says the bartender "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it".

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands".

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem".

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call" says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is".

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's that damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face and finishes the lot in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight then dead silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

MEANWHILE IN JAY LENO'S GARAGE...
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

george wrote:
Subject: geelong school teacher
I thought you could use this its the geelong school teacher in victoria sex scandle video

She's way more fugly than I expected and as for him... well those tattoos and that hair speak for themselves. Story here. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: Subject: The importance of issuing clear instructions and associated
A new fuel tanker arrives on location somewhere in the Middle East. The HSE manager tells the fleet supervisor to ensure that the tanker is clearly labelled "Diesel Fuel" and "No Smoking" in Arabic. This is what he got... (See attached). Note the spelling of "Arabic"

Geniuses... they're everywhere. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jd wrote:
Subject: Out in the West Texas Town of El Paso
Three armed felons crossed the U.S. border and attempted to rob a man while he stood in front of a bank. The plan was for two of them to grab his backpack and toss it to an accomplice on a stolen motorcycle. However, the well prepared off duty El Paso police officer dressed in civilian clothes, shot all of them, killing two immediately. The third was shot in both arms and bled to death before the ambulance arrived. This is how much the U.S. Taxpayer would have had to pay to prosecute these thugs: Arrest and detention for 1 night = $6,000; Transportation for deportation back to Mexico the next day =$1000; Air time for Obama to apologize in 30 min speech $25,007,000; What it actually cost: Four .40 rounds = $1.00; Taxpayer savings = $25,006,999.00; They Picked The Wrong Man to rob - Only in TEXAS! THE AVERAGE RESPONSE TIME FOR A 911 CALL IS 4 MINUTES. THE AVERAGE RESPONSE TIME FOR A .40 S&W ROUND IS ABOUT 0.008 seconds.

Donut Stooge wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Car for sale!

Way too much effort for $800. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Robert wrote:
Subject: Well howdy
Hi Mr.orsm,I have been enjoying your site for about 6 yrs now and never had anything to contribute. Well I finely have something. I have this widget on my home page that tells you where day and night is on earth. In the pic it looks like a women getting a dick shoved in her mouth. Might need to use your imagination.
click to enlarge
Tom wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I sent you the pic of the two stuck dogs, then the pic of the smoking skidloader. and now this funny one. I'll keep sending as funny things happen.
click to enlarge

Zio wrote:
Subject: ShCool shop
School shop in Senegal. ACTION CULTURE :)

Translates to 'shop for school supplies'. What ever happened to just taking an apple? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jason wrote:
Subject: lightning strike set the tundra on fire
One day in 2007, on the plain in northern Alaska, a lightning strike set the tundra on fire. Historically, tundra, a landscape of lichens, mosses and delicate plants, was too damp to burn. But the climate in the area is warming and drying, and fires in both the tundra and forest regions of Alaska are increasing. The Anaktuvuk River fire burned about 400 square miles of tundra, and work on lake sediments showed that no fire of that scale had occurred in the region in at least 5,000 years. Scientists have calculated that the fire and its aftermath sent a huge pulse of carbon into the air - as much as would be emitted in two years by a city the size of Miami. Scientists say the fire thawed the upper layer of permafrost and set off what they fear will be permanent shifts in the landscape.
click to enlarge
click for gallery click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: gday mate
Gday! just like to say thanks and i love your site and that you have provided hours of entertainment and joy. just sending you pics of the ex, she was a real piece of work, liar and downright bitch but she got nasty and fucked me over so it's my turn to fuck her over, you will find attached pics and vids of her pussy and boobs and her face :P feel free to block it out if you want but that wouldnt be the point would it?
Jd wrote:
Subject: Texas 44 Magnum accident - see photos
First it was baby formula, then pet food, but now you should watch out when buying anything from China, including bright, shiny ammunition. A guy came into the police department the other day to ask a favor. He had a S&W 629 (.44 Mag) that he wanted to dispose of after a mishap at the range. He said there was a loud bang when he tested his new ammo (Chinese made), and the gun smacked him in the forehead. Leaving a nice gash. When the tweety birds cleared from around His head, the pictures show what he saw. Bet he never uses Chinese made ammo again! Looks like when the round in the chamber went off, it also set off at least two other rounds in adjacent cylinders. I would have hated to been the one that pulled the trigger on That one!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pics of a girl i got friendly with, and yes im a girl too ;-) please hide my details

I'm calling butterface on this one. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: 1947 FORD TRUCK SELLS FOR $800,000.00
Here's one for all you "gear-heads" out there.... Not sure how true this is but...

click for gallery

josh wrote:
Subject: Girl pics
Here are those pics the puss is the ex other chick is from new zeland

Perfection. On behalf of men everywhere we demand more...! -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The New BHP Building
on top of c2. Safety 1st.... and now you know the purpose of the "billboard" feature....!

Never in a million years would you get me up there. Never. -Orsm

click for gallery
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Most populated cities on earth
click to view PowerPoint file
<with held> wrote:
Subject: She wants me...
Hey Mr Orsm, Love the site.got some videos of a chick who wants to shag but I'm not interested. She keeps sending me videos, so I thought I would share a little :-) Please hide my details!!
click to watch video

Jamie wrote:
Subject: The Magic Trick
A time-lapse video my wife and I made of the 9 months of pregnancy presented in a non-traditional way. [Youtube link here]

Clever. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

ORSM VIDEO

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea". He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me".

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth". The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in".

PARIS DAHL
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.

"Well" said the clerk "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained frog's ability to her husband he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied "If I can teach this frog to cook... you're out of here!"

RANDOM SHITE

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A man goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and i have to talk to you about it". The rabbi asked "What's wrong?" the man replied "My wife is poisoning me". The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "How can that be?" the man then pleads "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The rabbi then offers "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what i can find out and I'll let you know". The rabbi calls after a while and says "Well I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?" the man said "Yes". The rabbi replied "Take the poison".

A blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She says to the salesman "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains" The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies "Seventeen inches". "Seventeen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde says "They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor". The surprised salesman replies "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says. "Hellooooooo... mine has Windooooows!"

KERRY: OPEN TO SUGGESTION
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A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir" the clerk told him apologetically "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes".

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00 and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read 'Manicures: $20.00'. "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read "This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents". The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood... into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaand I'm done. Somehow managed to get this puppy done slightly ahead of time. No doubt tranger shit has happened but nothing springs to mind. Anyway let me leave you with the following...

- Check out the site archives. It's where the naughty girls are.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Just sayin'.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will set up a tent embassy outside your house.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and may the force be with you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.02.02-20.31
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Complexly profound.

So much for the quiet January I'd promised myself. My exact words were "I'm not booking every fucking minute of every fucking day like the past year has been". Poor English it were but the fact remains there was nowhere near enough downtime. The constant must-hurry-up-and-finish-because-I-have-somewhere-to-be has set an annoying precedent for the year ahead. The next few months are filling up rapidly and that's without the random things that will inevitably just pop up. Its times like these I wish for a simple life, a 9 to 5 job, no commitments and the ability to say no. So I'm going to do that - I've already put the kibosh on a highly gay country music 'performance' tomorrow night. Why? Because I fucking hate country music. I'd rather jump off a bridge with a gun and put a bullet in my head halfway down to make sure the job is done than have to endure some clown in a cowboy hat twanging away. Country is to music what women's tennis is to sport. It's annoying although people seem to like it and that's a sign there's something wrong with them.

Alright let's move on to other events. Starting with Thursday - the moment the pen went down on last week's update I was up and out the door to try and soak up what was left of the heat and Australia Day holiday. Destination was a friends place for beer and some light socialising. It wasn't long after that it began to rain. How it goes from almost 42°C to raining I have no idea but it was a nice way to break up the heatwave. Traditionally the evening has a huge fireworks display in the city over the river and I usually find some way to watch from somewhere however getting drenched or struck by lightning didn't really appeal. Decided instead to camp at home, crank up the aircon and do sweet fuck all.

T'was back to full heat Friday and thought it would be a good way to test myself so jumped on the bike and punched out 20 kilometres before coming home to walk the pooch. All the usual shit followed from there - activities pertaining to replenishment of fridge and cupboard areas and the afternoon spent parked at the PC working working. The magic of that night was wholly to do with the GF being away and ability to watch whatever film I wanted to. There's been a distinct lack of anything violent or gory since the cohabitation commenced several months ago and this was rectified with Final Destination 5. Highly recommend based on the gymnast death scene alone.

To punish myself for being liberal with M&M's the night before it was back on the bike and back in the swelter for another 25 kilometres. From there it was destination dog beach. Had high hopes for a bikini bonanza but it was disappointingly quiet. Spent the rest of the day hiding in an artificially cooled house, again feverishly hacking away at the spread sheet crap I mentioned last week before heading off to dinner at friends place for a few quiet wines.

Early start Sunday to beat the heat [yes it's been fucking hot here] and wash two cars. Some [read: me] might say it's ironic that despite being particularly anal when it comes to beach or any other type of sand entering a vehicle, I had to spend so much time removing it. Immediately following this three hour orgy of beautification it was in the shower and out the door for a mates birthday lunch. Good food, great company and a fun time had by all but I unfortunately lost count of how many times I was asked when the pitter patter of little feet would be heard coming from my/our direction. Matter of fact I lost count how many times I was asked over the whole weekend and I'm convinced this is payback from the universe. For years I've seized upon every "I'm not feeling well" or "I have a headache" and "my back is sore" to accuse various chick friends of being with child. And no this is not a subtle hint that any such being exists.

And with that let's get on with things. I have absolutely no doubt you guys will enjoy this update more than you've ever enjoyed anything in your entire lives. Big call? That's unpossible. Check it...

Too Addictive - Sexy Mexican - Weird Boobage - Hottest Chicks - Instant Regret - Antwon Snaps - Hot Lesbians

Sweet Titties - Repugnant - Sympathy Wank - Hostess Facial - Oh Hell Yes! - Hawk Wins - Butt Sex - Baaaad Vaj

Feisty Slut - Here'll Do - Bikini Bootay - Beach Tits - Demented - Horrific - Hulk Porn - Phone Sexy - Good Deed

Google: 'define an english person'.
--
When in India recently I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself 'What a brilliant idea... why don't we have them in Australia?'
--
My girlfriend I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again!
--
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
--
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
--
A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who is eating prawns. Every time he eats one, he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window. Eventually she gets angry and pulls the emergency cord. The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you infidel slut". She laughs and says "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers you'll get 20 years, you towel-headed camel-fucker".

ORSM VIDEO

DUMB CRIMINALS

-A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

-A defendant facing drug possession charges on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he took a five minute recess to compose himself.

-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

-Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your fucking head off!" The defendant paused then quickly added "if I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

-Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

-Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.

-The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a line-up of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes". The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out "That isn't what I said".

-In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

-In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

-In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

-Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted "Yes officer, that's the woman I robbed".

-Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

-An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

-A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.

-A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants" said police. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

-In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

EVERY HOLE PENETRATED
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".

"I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right" replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course" the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says "What the FUCK would they want with a plasterer??!"

ORSM VIDEO



A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes".

So the woman freed the frog and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" "That's okay" said the woman.

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me".

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you!" The woman said "That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine".

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish. She answered "I'd like a mild heart attack".

Moral of the story: Women are bitches.

GIRLS KISSING GIRLS
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A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000".

BUSTED CAR SEX
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great PSA
Hello there Mr. Orsm. Long time reader, first time submitter. Love your sight and I wanted to help a little with your next update. Here is a twofer, first great looking chick in lingerie and a secondly a useful PSA.

Will wrote:
Subject: Dating profile
I just came across this and thought you might like it!

I'm guessing this is pretty typical of most womens experiences on dating websites. She does come off as a touch conceited though. -Orsm

JD wrote:
Subject: Where is the cat??????
In case you are bored! Do not share this photo unless u find the cat ..... where is the cat? It is there, took me about 30 seconds to find it.

It's definitely there. Found it in about 5 seconds and I only say this so everyone knows how fucking amazing I am. -Orsm

click to enlarge
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Michael wrote:
Subject: More funny pics
What are they trying to sell!!!

Does this count as a photobomb? -Orsm

tyrone wrote:
Subject: Random shite!
Thought you could use this on random shite. My mate in the marines went to London for a farewell, met up with this bird on the way in for a drink, smashed her back doors in and this is the result of the aftermath. He tell me she's a redhead, I've never met a redhead that doesn't like to fuck. Cheers pal! Love the site, keeps morale high of myself and the other lads in my troop!
click to enlarge

freak boy wrote:
Subject: shark attack
hi orsm. a local surfer was bitten by shark at redhead beach near newcastle, I didnt think much of it suspecting that the local paper beat up the story somewhat. that is until this photo did the rounds. its fucked up. dont know how much i will enjoy my next surf

That's going to leave a scar. -Orsm

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Mike wrote:
Subject: Tats
Where you have your tattoo's says far more about you that what they are!

Can't argue with any of them. -Orsm

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: South of France
Mr. Orsm.... Sorry, but your South of France pic was photoshopped. Here's the original complete with umbrella in the background.

Very good photoshop. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader mail
Saw this in dandenong. No details pls.

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Robb wrote:
Subject: for the 'yay, I fixed it' category...
Hey Orsm, as a service tech, I see all sorts of crazy shit at people's homes.. This is Charlestown NH.. Gotta keep those bugs out, you know.. You rock.
click to enlarge

JD wrong:
Subject: Baywatch - Kaap styl
You've scarred me so, I'm passing this on, as I ain't gonna be the only one.

She's an Easter egg on legs. Now I want chocolate. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brent wrote:
Subject: Christian Single Ad
There's just something odd about this. First, I'm listening to Soundgarden's "Let Me Drown," and the other part is ... that chick is totally a slut.
click to enlarge

Chris wrote:
Subject: Funny
From the toilet in the 'North Star' - Steventon, UK.

Sounds like hate shitting to me. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Alex wrote:
Subject: Too soon?
Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday...
click to enlarge
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Costaplenty Concordia
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What Really Happened (XXX)

Understandable then. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
here some pics of the ex she owes me $$$$ so fuck it. ps dont show contact details

MY EYES! MY EYES! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stuff
Get on mate, Happy Australia Day! A few pics of bootleg gear..... Hide details as always! Keep on keepin' on - still making Thursdays worth getting up for!!
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Mick wrote:
Subject: Found on Facebook
Found on Facebook. Cricket Yobbo's with obviously some closet issues. Great Site, keep up the good work

It's not gay until someone swallows. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi Id like to send these pics in
This are pictures of my ex colombain girlfriend. I nailed her but she was nailing someone else. so here she is. please withhold the email. thanks

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Joseph wrote:
Subject: greeting Mr. Orsm
Hello sir, been about 5 years since i have shared something with your glorious site. But i think you'll enjoy these. found a cell phone in the snow today and it fired right up, these pics were on it and i just wanted to share with all. Better withhold my info so this dude doesn't see and beat my ass, but i doubt he is cool enough to know about orsm.net.
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: 23rd September 2010
Pass this on as I think it is necessary for all travellers on this highway need to be informed for their own safety.

Challenge driving. This sounds like fun. -Orsm

click to open PDF
<with held> wrote:
Subject: hope this video entertains you!
i put this video on youtube nearly 6 years ago and i think it deserves more hits than it has, hope you like it enough to put it on your site! the guy in the middle had kno idea what was goin to happen to him! love the site! hide my details thanks! enjoy; [Youtube link here]
click to watch video
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Building the Sydney Harbour Bridge
click to watch video

Jd wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe
ZIMBABWE EMBASSY - Rigged or what ????? Classic

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

ORSM VIDEO

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".

JOEY HART GETS HER PUSS OUT... JOY ENSUES
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Sammy was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on
'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid a fortune?" "Shit!" he said "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"

RANDOM SHITE

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An Irish kid, an Italian kid and a black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie" he says. "Okay". They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing!" says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie". "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm black. Is that true? "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen".

LUSTFUL TYRA BANXXX
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OCCUPY PGA TOUR

I am a member of golf's 99%. I play golf, but have not yet made it to the professional level. I have played the game for over 40 years, but have not really put in the practice time and study to be the best. I also probably do not have the skills to really get there either.

However, I now feel that I should be paid by the successful professionals for trying. It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are stronger and more skilled should make all that money. Oh sure, they have their charities that they give millions of dollars to but I'm sure that they write all that off on their tax returns to reduce paying their fair share. Is that fair?

They should pay for my golf, buy me new equipment and pay me some of their winnings. The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me!! Let's occupy a golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do pay for us who aren't as good. Whining should get us something, like media attention and sympathy from liberals!

ORSM VIDEO


And that, my feathered friends, is it however advised you read the following...

- Check out the site archives. Thank me later.
- Next update will be next Thursday simply because.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray see to it that you're executed by scaphism.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay frosty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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