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January 2003...
 
orsmupdate 2003.01.30-1.23
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Everything just seems so hectic lately. So much going on. So much to do. It's all good too - by keeping myself swamped with work et al I've managed to pull myself out of the motovational slump I've been dwelling in for the last few weeks.

I think the slump was just a nasty case of January-itis that I couldn't seem to shake. Of the many things that REALLY suck in this world January-itis [also known as lack of motovation, can't be fuct and not interested] ranks right near the top of the list. Apart from occurring in January, this condition is most likely to attack after a couple of weeks break from doing anything work-related [Christmas/NYE]. Extreme cases of this disease will last for months but generally clears up after a few weeks.

Symptoms include sitting down at the computer and finding it almost impossible to get a decent update done for the masses to enjoy Orsm-style.

How to get over it? For me the best way is to laden myself with tonnes of shit to do so I basically have no choice except to step up and get it all done. Simple. Call it cure by immersion. Works everytime too!

Anyways hopefully the updates from now on will be back to what they should be and everyone can get on and enjoy some wholesome, mostly naked entertainment.

Australia Day weekend has come and gone again and this year was much more laid back than last. I attended three BBQ's in 2 days, drank some beer and spent most of my Sunday doing what most true Aussies were doing - listening to the Triple J Hottest 100 and drinking beer which, for the uninitiated, is a sort of alternative national radio station that counts down the 100 best tracks of the year, as voted by us. The tracks that made the list can be found here. For the record I picked Tenacious D to take out the honours but they didn't rate a mention.

IT IS NOT ONLY FINE FEATHERS THAT MAKE FINE BIRDS!

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As for the sky-show/fireworks to celebrate the day - fuck that. I honestly can not be bothered being stuck in traffic for two hours trying to get home when I live less than 10 minutes from the city... besides I could see half of it [the really high ones!] from the front of my house. Close enough is good enough!

I got a squillion emails from people in regards to my comments last week. Okay, maybe I did come across a little harshly but I just wanted to make it clear that there is method to my madness and what I said was pretty much only aimed at those people completely unknown to me who take up copius amounts of my time. YES this website is and always will be 100% free but I AM NOT running a service here!

If you're looking for some fine cigars then you gotta stop by and see my mate Larry's website. Larry was good enough to send me some of the most amazing cigars I have ever come across - Penthouse Cigars. Each cigar even comes complete with a Penthouse babe of your choice too...!! Check out HJ Bailey here!

Bad Jane Bad! - Employee Manual - Words Women Use - First Date Blues - Fat Chicks In Party Hats

Cool 404 - Mad Cow - Up Yours! - MYO Porn - Martyr Machine - Smells Like Fish

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

We're still on the hunt for totally hot Perth chicks to do a shoot for the site. If you think you've got the goods and wanna earn some cashola then drop me a line!

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GOLF

A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday. First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner.

He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow job.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight round of golf.

Again she pips him at the last and again he drives her home and once again she goes down on him in appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but nevertheless in the car home on Friday he tells her that he has such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a Night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.

Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth.

You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry" she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams (rather red in the face), "You cheating fucking bastard, you've been playing off the ladies tees all fucking week!!"

DARK ANGEL
Maybe it's just me but you have to admit that this hot little chica is a dead ringer for Jessica Alba. Good fantasy material I guess...!!

Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel

Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel - Dark Angel

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A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket on TV, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over he couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.'

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A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

ORSM VIDEO

A guy walks into a pub with 5 of his mates. He goes up to the bar to order the first round and notices two bits of meat suspended from a rail 5 feet above the bar. He says to the barman "What's the story with those bits of meat above the bar",

The barman replies "it's a special challenge that we have on tonight. If you can jump up and kick those bits of meat then you and your mates can have free drink all night however, if you try it and fail then you have to buy everyone in the pub drinks all night".

The guy double checks with the barman "If I can jump up and kick those bits of meat then me and my 5 mates can have free bevy all night?" "That's right" replies the barman. "But if I try to do it and miss then I have to buy the whole pub drink all night".

"Correct again" replies the barman. So the guy looks up at the meat, looks down at the floor, back up at the meat, back down to the floor. "I think I'll leave it" he says.


"Why" says the barman. The man pauses for a moment and says "BECAUSE THE STEAKS ARE TOO HIGH."

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LINKAGE
Links this week go out to the some what pungent folk at the following poignant web sites...

Drew Skillz - Spaff - Burkey Is Totally Fuckin Us - The Maelstrom - Brain Damaged - Drunk TV

A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?" "Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask your mum if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.

"Hey mum... would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mum looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room. Once he gets there, he bangs on the door and asks her the same question.

"Oh my god... YES YES YES... blah blah blah..." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing. "For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click...

"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality." "What did you learn son?" "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts and a fag!"

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Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

Later that evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

READER MAIL

Craig wrote:
Subject: Say Hi to Helen

Greetings Fellow Earthling, Attached, a fellow Perth girl... Her name is Helen. She is an ex. Pic was taken about 15 Yrs ago. She misled me and got pregnant and stung me for maintenance for a dozen years. I had lots of pics, but over the years, lost them. Found this one. Wanted to show the world what a fine bod she had BEFORE she had 5 kids to 3 different fathers. Currently lives south of Perth.
click to enlarge
gettnbackatya wrote:
Subject: How about this priceless

My best friend sleeps with my boyfriend and I got these.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: definition of a knobhead

mr orsm, thought you might like this pic for your site. this was taken at the office party of the place where I used to work. the bloke claims to be a "CAD Manager", but in all honesty, he's just a knobhead and this proves it. and he can't really blame it on being drunk, as the guy only drinks malibu and pinapple. cough, faeg, cough.
click to enlarge
Mark wrote:
Subject: picture

I wanted to know if I can send you a picture of my friend jerking off in my bathroom for your page. Here it is if you want to put it on your page.
click to enlarge

brian jeff wrote:
Subject: old mail

We don't know if you remember the post from over a year ago, but let us be the first to disclaim the one known as jack dickerson. He has never had a roommate named Matt Lassiter(that was jack) , nor has he ever hit anyone out of anger, nor does he have or has ever had $5000 in the bank. Jeff and I felt after seeing the total amount of bullshit on your site posted by Jack that we need to set the record straight. Since he has been involved in hardcore pornography for 15 years, his internet persona is drastically different than reality. All posts were written by Jack, its plain as day in their identical sentence structure and wording. We have been friends with Jack for years, but often find ourselves cleaning up behind him as we are now.

What happened was this little bitch punk Jack got uppity and because of the anonomity of the internet he thought there would be no repurcussions, he decided he would beef himself up by talking smack worldwide. Of course after expierencing backlash on your site , he did take the bitch way out and "invented' a 'roomate'(which he hasnt had a roomate in 4 years) Matt Lassiter(see, jack is in love with tom selleck--hence Lassiter)The only vacation he has been on in 4 years was when we all went to vegas several years ago for a friends wedding.

Other than Selleck's Lassiter we find the comment 'thanks for the colonies' a quote from the movie Great Balls of Fire. He apologizes to several nations and then to Kristi--which proves the only reason he apologized was to look good to a chick he has never met .The reason he asked about brothels was because thats the only way he will ever get laid. The comment "its nipples for you silly cunts to suck on" he stole from me.......everytime his whiny bitch ass crys about something thats what we tell him. I urge you to read all three letters again, and it should be obvious that they are all written by the same person....our little buddy Jack "Meoff" Dickerson.

What I don't get is why? Why would someone go to so much trouble? It all seems so elaborate and for what? If even half of the above is true, surely Jack has better things to do with his time...?

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Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

An attractive young woman was delighted to find her hero Sean Connery alongside her at the bar of a swish hotel and even more delighted when he spoke to her. They chatted for some time and the subject inevitably got round to sex. "I suppose that now you're in your 70s, sex isn't the same," the woman observed regretfully.

"On the contrary," Connery said in his famous Scottish accent, "it's even more enjoyable. I can easily have it three times in a row and each one is better than the last, both for me and the woman. Would you like to come up to my room so I can prove it?"

There was no way the woman was going to decline an offer from 007, so in no time they were making beautiful love. "That was wonderful, Sean, if I may call you that," the woman gushed. "Will it really be better next time?" "It will," Connery promised her. "But first, I've got to have a half-hour nap and would like you to hold my testicles gently in one hand and my penis
in the other while I'm asleep, if you wouldn't mind."

"I certainly won't mind," the woman assured him, taking these intriguing parts of 007's anatomy in hand until 30 minutes later to the second Connery woke and resumed lovemaking. "You're right," the woman gasped when they finished. "That was even better. Shall we go again?" "Sure," Connery drawled, "but I need that nap again with you holding my balls and dick."

The woman gladly agreed to resume her hold and 30 minutes later released his parts so they could have their third session. After it, she lay back in silent ecstasy before asking, "Sean, tell me, I'll keep it secret if you prefer but does having your partner hold your balls and dick while you sleep make it so much better for you?"

"Not at all," Connery assured her. "It's just that the last woman I had in here stole my wallet."

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A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

Patient: "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.

Patient: "Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?"

The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, "I dddoonnn't ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble."

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A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there's a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French-fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something else to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... "The teeth..."

30 HARSH THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED GUY
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Awww, it's cute.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me really drunk first....
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

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This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

RANDOM SHITE
The ever present stink feature known as Random Shite doesn't disappoint this week. Click the links below and find out for yourself! Random Shite Viewer can still be found here. By the way Shite Viewer Mk2 should be ready by next week!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children tasted and replied: "Red... cherry", "Yellow.... lemon", "Green.... lime", "Orange... orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After swishing these around in their mouths for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the professor said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, coughed her honey Lifesaver onto the floor, and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!"

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JET AWAY
I proudly present the Orsm.net corporate Jet... well one day I hope anyway...

Boeing - Boeing - Boeing - Boeing - Boeing - Boeing

I hate to say it but that winds another update to a close. A shame really because I was having so much fun! Just so you guys know, there's a slight chance I won't be updating next week but rest assured it will be in the best interests of the site! More info on that in a week or two I suppose. In the mean time be good, stay off the chems and keep your balls covered when spending long periods in the sun! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2003.0123-17.42

I'm starting to realise that I spend a shit load of time helping people out with stuff around the site. Up until now this hasn't really been a problem but as the site increases in popularity, the requests are flooding in far more frequently.

Imagine for a moment that you run a website. People come and surf it for a while, close their browser only to realise a few weeks later that they want/need to see something they've found here previously or get more info on a pic or video or whatever. This is where the problem kicks in because I can guarantee that a minute or two after that happens I'll get an email asking to assist.

On average I think I'd get 50-100 emails a week from random people asking "who is that chick?" or "where did that video come from?" or my favourite "I know I saw it on the site in the last 6 months but..." It's almost as if I have nothing better to do that find shit and send it to people... and don't even get me started on the fuck-heads who don't even bother replying with a simple 'thankyou' or TELL ME to "zip all the files and email them back". What the fuck...!?

Which brings me to there being a very good chance that if I get just one more email from someone asking me who the two red heads are that I've posted at the top of the last few weeks' update, I will go completely and utterly insane. I don't remember the last time any female I've posted on the site garnered as huge a response as these two lovelies have done and hopefully with this you guys will stop emailing me trying to find out who the fuck they are!

The babe with the large rack from the last couple of updates is named Tami B and more on her can be found here. The other hottie from the updates before that goes by the name Yuval S and NOT heather Christensen as I thought it may have been. More pics of her can be found at this page. Now stop asking!

The other thing that tonnes of you guys wanted info on was beach hotel pics I posted a few weeks back and I can see why - the place is absolutely spectaular to look at from the outside and after you read through this you'll see that the inside is no let down either. The hotel is the Burj Al Arab Hotel in Dubai and if you're planning a stay there, make sure you're all cashed up because the cheapest room starts at around US$1000 a nite right up to almost $8000! One interesting thing to note is that the designers sneaked in what is apparently the largest Christian cross in the entire world which can be seen in these pics...

Anyways back to my rant - unfortunately in future, if you email me asking for info on something then there's a very good chance that you won't be getting a reply unless you are one of the much-loved [by me] contributors to the site. Sorry guys but that's the way it's gotta be from now on.

If you're looking for some fine cigars then you gotta stop by and see my mate Larry's website. Larry was good enough to send me some of the most amazing cigars I have ever come across - Penthouse Cigars. Each cigar even comes complete with a Penthouse babe of your choice too...!! Check out HJ Bailey here!

I wholly blame myself for neglecting the Advice Asshole for the last couple of weeks. I kept meaning to post his enlightening replies to the perplexing problems you guys have but I simply forgot... and forgot and forgot. Anyways he's back this week in fine form so go check him out...

I found this story to be disturbingly interesting but I can't help but wonder that if the average Aussie continues to follow the Yanks into becoming more 'Americanised', what happens when everything finally catches up and we are mocking them mocking ourselves? Do we end up with a brain-dead race of teenage Aust-mericans running around in 'da hood' exclaiming "Crikey! I just popped a cap in yo ass, mate!"

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

Homer-ism's - Our Tax System - His & Hers Perfect Day - Nose Picking Session Gone Bad - USS Cole Recovery

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.com - Violence Cures! - Monster Limo For Sale

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HOLLY
This is the final series of Holly pics for the time being and in my opinion the very best of the bunch! We'll hopefully have her back on the site before too long as well!

Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder

Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EASY IT IS TO FIND HORNY ASS CHICS THAT WANT TO GET FUCKED?

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

TARA BABY

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

click here for more

A family of England supporters head out one Saturday to steal their Christmas shopping. While in JJB Sports, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I want this shirt for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother!" Off goes the unusually intelligent little lad, with Scotland shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum, I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I want this shirt for Christmas."

The mother is outraged and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off goes this little pearl amongst low life swine, with Scotland shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad, I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I want this shirt for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the stolen car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you have learned something today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have'.

Father says "Good son, what is it?" The son replies "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and I already hate you English bastards!!"

click here for more

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."

"How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my dog back?"

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos". The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

ORSM VIDEO

Beware! I got this today and the warning is genuine! Yesterday, a friend of a friend was travelling on a Sydney to Melbourne flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from the cricket this summer".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him. "No..." he whispered back... "The Poms are bloody hopeless; it's not worth the price of admission!"

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SPORTS GAYNESS
Sometimes what is probably so innocent just comes across as all gay...

Sports Gayness - Sports Gayness - Sports Gayness - Sports Gayness

Sports Gayness - Sports Gayness

LINKAGE
The webmasters of the following fine sites were kind enough to offer me their yet to be born young in some sort of weird sacrifice thing if I would only spread the word about their sites... so go check em out!

Invisible Master - 4 Bitter Guys - Kombucha Mushroom People - The Site About Nothing - Beer & Shots - Bang J

PETS

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two the doctor shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What," screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion." With that, the doctor turned, and left the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "woof." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few minutes with a cat, that walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook its head and said, "meow." He then jumped off the table and left the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went crazy. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead! This is outrageous!" The doctor shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan... it's $600.

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READER MAIL

Backinjack wrote:
Subject: God Bless The Aussies!

Greetings Mr. Orsm, And to all of the fellow viewers of your top-notch site. I don't know if you remember me or not. My name is Jack Dickerson. Two yrs. ago, my dipshit roomate pissed off half of the entire free world, and then some, by making offensive comments to the Aussies, Kiwis, Canadians and Brits. I personally gave him a thrashing after that episode!

That is not the reason I'm writing. Myself and five of my friends are going to be flying to Australia in September of this year. For those of you who may wonder, my ex-roomate will not be coming with us! I have spent the last 2 yrs. saving for the expenses....$ 5000.00 U.S. , so far! We will be spending three weeks touring Sydney, Queensland, and Perth. Now, we have the standard bullshit pamphlet showing Australia's points of interest, culture, art, etc.....No disrespect intended, but we would like to know the real places to see in these areas. Dance clubs, strip clubs, pubs and brothels, if there are any. We'd also like to know what is the best Australian beer to get pissed on. I've heard that Foster's is strictly an "Americanized" version of Aussie beer. I hope you and the other viewers in Australia could help me and friends out on this. Hell, maybe we could meet for a pint and you guys can show us Yanks what real partying is all about. Please feel free to link my email if you feel it necessary.

In closing I'd like to pay homage to God's gift to mankind......Aussie Women! I personally would like to thank the likes of Elle McPherson, Rachel Hunter, Kylie & Danni Minougue, and who could forget the incredible Holly! Thanks for your time and see you in September!

Anyone got any decent ideas or suggestions? You can have your say in the site forums and let big Jack know exactly what beer we really drink!

Steve C wrote:
Subject: Deer up a pole
This located near the Headingly station,Manitoba. They figure a train hit it and launched it up there. Local Police received a call of a deer up a pole. the day it is due backand this is what they found when they arrived there.

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very friendly wrote:
Subject: Your Followers from the Philippines
Hello Mr. ORSM, Hi, I am one of your website followers from the Philippines, I always visit your site man especially when update time ;). You post a lot of fine beauties. I'm spreading at the office and to my friends the site. Hope you continue till the end of the world hehehe ;), Anyway, send you some pictures of my Filipina friends hope you can post it to your site. They will be famous if you do :), I'll show it to them ;).

Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks

Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks - Phillipino Chicks

Brad Levin wrote:
Subject: Random Shite, I guess

thanks again for the great site - the best on the net by far. Saw this Christian Bible shop in a mall on a recent holiday to South Africa. Maybe, just maybe, they could convert me this way. Go figure???

click to enlarge
Josh Carey wrote:
Subject: vid

Hey orsm, Check out the vid. I am an Aussie living and working in Tokyo and i see this shit every morning and i finally got it on film with my digital camera today. The funny thing is that there is and alternative. The carriages at the back of the train. this is the front of the train. Thought you might like it.
click to download

Daniel McDonald wrote:
Subject: Ford Vs Holden
Thought I'd take time to even up the score on the Holden vs. Ford situation, you've opened a can of worms by posting pictures of Troy's HG Kinga. You realize that now you need to be posting pics of my 1970 XW Falcon Ute, to keep the cosmos in equilibrium. I'm sure your international audience would not be aware of the "good vs. evil" battle that wages here in OZ, over the Ford-Holden 'issue'. It would be totally un-Australia not to take sides on this matter. Enjoy the pics half as I enjoy the 351 cubic inches of Australian classic GRUNT.

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Tom Clark wrote:
Subject: True Story

Orsm- True story, I was sitting around at a party. Not an all-gay party, but there were a few homosexuals, and they were much more entertaining than the normal people. They were sharing amusing anecdotes about coming out of the close. Said one-

When I first told my mom that I was gay, she got all quiet and had this upset look on her face. I asked her what was wrong. She looks at me and says, 'you put dirty things in your mouth!' I told her, 'That's not true Mom! I wash every dick I suck!'

Click for more awesomeness

THREE BEARS

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, you'd better listen real good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the FUCKING porridge yet!!"

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A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing".

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off th road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

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It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me!" Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic basket and splashes it on Marie's face and lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" splutters the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young white breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles, they resume their passionate interlude - and things really begin to get steamy.

Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her lacy underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! She's on fire. Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

click here for more

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HER...

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

CONDOMS

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.

Who knows, maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.

"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?" So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house!"

Warren Presto wrote:
Subject: South African Babes

Heres some South African babes the beaches in CT and please can you list this site.. www.surf69.co.za and let me know what you think..

Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach - Beach

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Click for more awesomeness
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My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself And because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.

As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English - neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

RANDOM SHITE

I think it's safe to say that the only reason I was put upon this good Earth was to dig up shite... Random Shite. Go on, breathe deeply - you know you love it! Random Shite viewer is hiding here somewhere.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Well that's the end of another update. Time to have a few days off and do bugger all on account of the Australia Day long-weekend this Monday. Should be good - drink some beers, maybe have a barbeque and over sleep. Anyways, hope everyone has a good one. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and whatever else. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2003.01.16-16.28

I'll get this first couple of lines over and done with by saying some weeks I just HATE writing anything here at all. Sort of a combination of writers block and frustration but I think if I didn't, this site would be little more than just porn... and we can't have that!

Have had a few emails over the last couple of weeks from people asking me how my new pup - Milla - is going and the answer is: really well.

According to the vet she's very healthy, I'm feeding her the right foods and should grow up to be a very happy dog. She's also doubled her body weight between now and the beginning of December too weighing in at 18.5kg already. Not bad for a four-and-a-half month old. I dare say she's going to be a big girl...

There's been a few weeks off from puppy training with Christmas etc but she seems to finally have all the basics down pat - sit, drop, come and stay are all on their way to becoming second nature to her now. Amongst other things she's even managing to not shit in the house, runs to bed and even evacuates her bladder and bowels on command. All good. By the way, here's a few pics of her as of last week.

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

I'D BE INTO HER LIKE A RAT UP A DRAIN PIPE!!

I'm sure anyone even mildly into motor sport will appreciate this site... make sure you check out the vid if you get a chance.

Some people just have far too much time on their hands... or is that faces...??

2 CONCERT TICKETS FOR SALE
Bee Gees: Staying Alive Tour 2003
Featuring the smash hit - "How Deep is your Bruv"
One third off if anyone is interested!!

If you're looking for some fine cigars then you gotta stop by and see my mate Larry's website. Larry was good enough to send me some of the most amazing cigars I have ever come across - Penthouse Cigars. Each cigar even comes complete with a Penthouse babe of your choice too...!! Check out HJ Bailey here!

And now for some stuff that may only appeal to those of you who can read... and even for some who can't...

Actual Cricketer Insults - True Aussie Battler Exam - Wisdom By Andy Rooney - Murder Or Suicide?

Topless Soccer - The Most Ridiculous Domain Name Ever - Bike Trials - Missile Bases - Jet Safari

HOLLY
The second last series in the Holly pics this week. Definitely one of my favourites...

Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder

Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder - Holly Ryder

THE GOLDEN PHONE

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call"

The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the writer.

He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."

The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Western Australia now son, it's a local call".

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When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But...

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty- eight, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves! Imagine that!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! -and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the deli! It was either that or jack off to the lingerie section of the Big W catalogue! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens - it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! We had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

-- Unknown

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Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

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A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?" The Man says. "I'll have a pint of beer" He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be today" says the bartender "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £21.95" says the bartender So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well," says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket."

"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money." "What else did you ask for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."

ORSM VIDEO

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

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LINKAGE
My sheltered little friends at the following websites think that you guys may be interested in their shit... so go check em out!!

Another Site - Wet Roxy - Scotts Web Links - Drizunk - Salpar - Surf 69 - Adult Fun Site - Miami Rice

READER MAIL

Uncle Jolly Roger wrote:
Subject: Quokka Soccer?
Can you fill us all in on what exactly Quokka soccer is? And what your feelings are about it.

The term 'Quokka Soccer' was coined on an island called Rottnest which sits approximately 12kms off the coast of Perth, Western Australia. It was named by the first explorers here [the Dutch?] and derived from the term 'rats nest' which it was given after they noticed hundreds of these fury rat-like little fuckers hopping around everywhere. These rats are what we know as Quokka's and are native only to Rotto. Anyway, Quokka Soccer is something generally played by drunken school leavers or just any retard game enough to risk being evicted from the island, usually involving a foot and a Quokka. All up It's a pretty fucked up cruel thing to do because they are friendly and completely harmless... until they raid your tent in the middle of the nite that is...

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troy webster wrote:
Subject: HG Kingswood
Hey, Firstly I love the site. I study at TAFE when I am not using your site. I am living in Perth, where I recently came across the attached vehicle for sale. I purchased. You can post the pictures of this wonderful machine, I dont mind.

Anny from Perth wrote:
Subject: Rufus

"I rock back on my heels and laugh, and laugh, and laugh at the fact that you seem to be yet another inbred product of incest that so permeates the internet. Your a fucking Wayne's World reject in a shitbox Mustang who is proud of his confederate flag bumperstickers."

Dear Rufus ( Now there's a minus already ), If you are going to insult someone's intelligence, please make sure that you are well versed in the art of correct spelling and grammar. Otherwise you make yourself look rather silly.

Firstly, there are no commas before "And" . That is why "And" is there. Secondly, "Your" is incorrectly used. When in reference to calling someone a name , the correct usage of the word in this case would be "You're", which is a shortened version of "You are". The word you referred to i.e "Your", means "belonging to you".

Go to school please :).

By the way, ORSM is an Australian, he doesn't subscribe to "Yankee redneck-ism" you fucking Drongo (Look that up in a dictionary, Sunshine!)

Mcelligott wrote:
Subject: Happy New Year
my wife has let me take a pic of her SUPERB hooters just for you (well the whole world really!). I wish you all the success for 2003, I reckon its gonna be a pearler!

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Ben Doukakis wrote:
Subject: Holly
Hey dude. love your site but..WHAT THE FUCK! Did you hire holly as an underware model or a playmate? Either way your viewers get to see NOTHING! Maybe she could remove the clamp that keeps her legs together in the next part. That is the only part of your site which has pissed me and my mates off...other wise... keep up the fucking sick work!

click here for more

KENNY THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

click here for more

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lies there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

BOOTS AND HATS

Clothes maketh the man. An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!!"

Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni - Heni

click here for more

There were three friends Jon, Nathan and Dan, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realised that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. They thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Jon came back first and said to the king. "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Nathan then arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed.

After a while Jon and Nathan met in heaven. Jon asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Nathan replied, "I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Dan showed up with all those watermelons!"

RANDOM SHITE
Orsm.net proudly satisfying your Random Shite needs since 2000! Random Shite Viewer can be found right here too.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

NERVOUS

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday finally arrived he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a sip, and then anaother sip, and then another again. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Farther, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
click here for more

BOB

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 were enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1 2 3 4 5... At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

click here for more

MILD MANNERED MAN

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director...!?" said his wife.

click here for more

ORSM VIDEO

I'm sad to say that this is the final part in the much-loved Paris series. Hope you all enjoyed it! If you're looking for the previous clips, check the archives! Don't email me about it!

- Paris: Part 6 -

And thats all there is for this week guys. Tune back in next week for more of the same. In the mean time be good, stay off the chems and stop wanking so much! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2003.01.08.11.57
click here for more

Finally a few weeks off! Time to sit back and forget about the site and relax for a while. Much happier for it too. Can't say I ventured too far away from home but I'll take what I can get these days.

I didn't really plan to have a lazy couple of weeks but I figured that I may as well make the most of everyone being on holidays and do the same. I mean how can you get anything done with constant interuptions right? Good idea it turned out to be too. I even managed to go a few days at a time without checking my computer or the site which for me is completely unheard of. I'm more or less refreshed now and ready to chain myself to the computer for another year.

I know I complained about the Chistmas and New Years celebrations that were ahead but they didn't actually turn out too bad... okay NYE was pretty average but everything else was cool. Christmas day [whilst far too hot] was a long one. Started off with breakfast at a mates, trip out the airport to pick another mate up, then his parents house, then my dads for lunch, then my cousins house, then a friends house and then home to commence consumption of alcohol. Think I drove something like 200kms on the day which was actually all good because I'd picked up my new car the day before.

New car? That was something that was very much unplanned and more or less impulsive. I was just killing time on the Saturday before Christmas looking at the new Falcon and Commodore when I came across something rather appealing in the used car section. Problem here was that Charlie Brown [yes, that was his actual name!] the salesman was a complete moron. I said I was sort of interested and wanted to test drive but Charlie rudely declined because he apparently 'had someone coming in to buy it'. He dusted me off, I walked away homeward bound.

Ended up stopping at another yard closer to home. The saleman guy here wasn't a complete fucktard this time. As I looked around I mentioned the car from the previous dealership. "Not to worry" said the salesman, "we actually own that car - it's on loan to them. Wait here and I'll go get it for you to test drive". Next thing you know it's Monday morning and I'm putting an offer in. That's where the games/traps/pit falls of buying a car start to emerge but I'll leave that for another day. Anyways to cut a long story just a little bit longer I picked up my new baby at closing time December 24th and have had an immovable grin on my face ever since. What kind of car did I buy? No comment on that suffice to say it's fast and it's 'very me'...

click here for more

As I said above - New Years was something of a let down. We chose to frequent the Leederville Hotel [the Leedy!]. We basically left it until the death knock to decide what we were going to do and somehow got sold on the fact there was meant to be some big name Dj's there [who I'd never heard of]. The 3 of us rocked up at about 9:30 and drinking commenced immediately. I spent the next few hours trying to figure out how none of us realised it was a Drum n Bass nite and having a laugh at some of the crowd dancing the way they do. Honestly if there's one crowd of people who really enjoy their drugs, the DnB crew are it. There was a few people there dancing so hard I was I thought we'd have a couple of them come apart at the seems...

Ended up heading home at 1am-ish. 3 was now 2 by this point due to unnamed being a bit 'out of practice' so the torch was passed to us to see out the nite and demolish a bottle of Chivas in the proccess. Ended up with a few of the boys dropping in and making it all the way through until sunrise. I guess the nite didn't suck that badly - probably just a let down due to the uneventfulness and anti-climax factor of the whole thing. Ah well... there's always next year.

A while back I got an email from a guy named Larry from HJ Bailey wishing me a Happy Birthday. He rather graciously offered to send me a couple of cigars as a thanks for the site. As you'd expect I replied with a big hell yeah! Checked my PO Box a few days ago and fuck me if I there wasn't a huge package waiting for me. Get the object home and crack it open to find 20 of the best looking cigars I've ever seen. Why so good? For starters they each come encased in a glass beaker, wrapped in a nudie picture of the Penthouse Pet of your choice all done in this huge wood presentation box. Extremely impressive. If you're interested then you can email Larry at doublemint@hjbailey.com - trust me you won't be disappointed!

She Gave Me A Smile I Could Feel In My Hip Pocket

I think if I get one more email from you guys asking me who that red head at the top of the last few updates is, I'll crack. I THINK her name is Heather Christensen although I aren't 100% sure.

Heather Pic 1 - Heather Pic 2 - More Heather Pics

Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFNextDoor.com. Check it.

Analogies & Metaphors - Origins Of Sayings - Think Outside The Box You Live In - Aint That The Truth

2003 Summer Nats - Nasty Power Point - Gash Or Tash - Death Row Meal Requests

I know I ask you guys for help ALL the time so hopefully you won't mind if I do it again. As many of you have noticed the site is getting slower and slower as each week goes by. This isn't due to shit hosting, it's quite the opposite, the site is just getting busier. Soloution: add a new server. If anyone is interested in donating a few bucks to help get this happening then just click this damn link and donate via PayPal <link removed> or even better - go look at some porn.

HOLLY
Holly is back this week with 2 more series' of pics to drool over. There's still 2 more to go which I'll probably post next week. I'm also happy to say it looks like we may have another fine female willing to grace these pages in the not too distant future. Girls if you're interested in making some cash posing for the site drop me a line and we'll work shit out!

click here for more

SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEERS PERSPECTIVE

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds),the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650mps in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now!

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A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon miss' and hurry off about his business.

He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones," he said, "a beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to chat girls up, I've never done it before." Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss. It's a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your garden.' That will get the conversation going."

Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.

This is it, thought Elwyn, it's now or never. So he stood outside the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him looking beautiful.

Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss." She said, "Good evening." He continued, 'It's a b-beautiful day isn't it?" "Yes," she said, "it is a splendid day."

Encouraged he went on. "I'm your neighbor, and I must tell you you have a lovely garden." She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too." Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm, erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you?"

click here for more

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

click here for more

READER MAIL

Matt wrote:
Subject: Mall Rage

I totally understand 'mall rage.' One year a friend and I were walking through the mall and these little kids kept running right in front of us. We had both had enough and said the next little shit to run in front of us wasn't going to be happy. Sure enough a little turd ran right into me. I grabbed him by his head and buried it in my ass. I must have shit my pants right on this kids face. When I let him go he stumbled around like a drunk coming out of a bar. My friend and I laughed for hours. To this day I can't believe I did it.

Brent Holowka wrote:

This is a photo edit of a person who comes to Orsm alot, I was hoping you would put it live for them... :)

click to enlarge

Eric Tynan wrote:
Subject: my ex boyfriends small dick

i have attached some pictures of my ex boyfriends small dick can u please post them on your site because i know he will come to visit your site soon so please post them post them asap.

click here for more

Cameron Adams wrote:
Subject: Pictures of my faggot friend.

Here are two pictures of my faggot friend trying to give out hand jobs.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Daniel Edmiston wrote:
Subject: funny vid

alright, here is a vid that one of my friends sent me. the "star" of the vid is her ex-boyfriend so feel free to put any title on the vid that you see fit.

click to download

lakai surf wrote:
Subject: nice site

Hi I just wanted to say you have a great site. so here's a pic for you to use if you like

click to enlarge

Rufus J Daniels wrote:

My name is Rufus and it's too fucking bad if my plain talking California mixed race yankee speech is a little too blunt for you.

I;ve been trying to read your website been and think when you aren't busy reading the dictionary trying, unsuccessfully, to locate words that might make you sound intelligent you are a huge fucking whiner.

One of the biggest problems on the Internet is that it has become a culture of whiners and non-intellectual dullards. Most websites are unreadable for anyone that has an IQ over 100. You are a prototypical pseudo-geek whiner, which is the worst type of whiner

I rock back on my heels and laugh, and laugh, and laugh at the fact that you seem to be yet another inbred product of incest that so permeates the internet. Your a fucking Wayne's World reject in a shitbox Mustang who is proud of his confederate flag bumperstickers.

You site might have a nice layout but it is just like wrapping gold foil around a piece of rancid shit...

Rufus, while I sat at my desk trying to comprehend why someone so insanely intelligent like yourself would be inclined to take time away from your weekly Mensa meeting or perhaps the countless hours spent strategising a way to finally beat Big Blue to surf this 'unreadable, non intellectual' site, it suddenly dawned upon me that it's imposible to take someone with a name like RUFUS seriously. Email Rufus here.

Brock Inneedoffun wrote:
Subject: update

I find your site somewhat amusing. And it would be more amusing if it were updated more often than my wife's menstral cycle. Which by the way is in reverse, one weekend out of the month she's nice. She's a bitch the rest of the time. So please update more often guy's like me need the escape dude.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

click here for more

President George W. Bush is visiting a school, The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word 'tragedy' so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car runs him over, that would be a tragedy. "No" says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens - that would be a tragedy." "Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," Lil' Johnny said, "cos, like you told us, it wouldn't be no accident, and it sure as fuck wouldn't be a great loss."

click here for more

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

Grant Mac Leod wrote:
Subject: Rally Oz!

Hi Orsm, I thought you might be interested in some shots that I took at the "SS13 York Railway Stage" of the FIA World Rally. My Gran lives along the track so we were privy to this 5.3km non-spectator stage, which is basically down the length of my Granny's gravel road. I had a shot myself after they had all gone. I've got two cars that can handle this sort of track, one is a '76 Ford Escort and the other is a '79 Lancia Beta, but I broke them a while ago and had to settle for my dearly departed Grandad's automatic '78 Mazda626. Not quite the same but about as enjoyable as youd expect the old clanger to be. The experience at least inspired me to get stuck into the Escort this arvo anyhow. My daughter fully supported this after the experience as well. So to begin with, My daughter and I walked the 150mtrs to the start point with two local mums and their kids and that was pretty much it for spectators. We chatted a bit while I took some shots and watched the kind drivers fertilize the neighbours trees. It must be some kind of Rally custom or something. Here are the shots, enjoy.

click here for more

TECHNOLOGY REWIND

This should eliminate some of IT's most difficult situations. There are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers & personal computers go. The goal is to remove all laptop computers by November 2002 and all desktops computers by December 2002. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the IT department.

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The Australian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Australian auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in V8 vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!". Only the state of Queensland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer mate and watch this!"

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BREAKING NEWS

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Lebanon this afternoon. 350,000 Lebanese have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country's economy is in total chaos and the government are still deciding where to start with providing help. In a show of help and support, the U.S is sending 15,000 troops to assist the country, Europe is sending food and money, and Australia is sending 35,000 replacement Lebanese.

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A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?" The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

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OH DEER
What the hell this world is coming to when a Deer feels suicide is the only way to deal with his problems? I don't understand it. Deer suicide rates are at an all time high and it's up to us to do something to provide these poor animals with the help they need.

Oh Deer - Oh Deer - Oh Deer - Oh Deer - Oh Deer - Oh Deer - Oh Deer

ORSM WARNING

I usually just delete those hoax e-mail warnings you get but this one is important and according to a number of credible internet sites - it's completely true.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! THIS IS A SCAM - HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. A LARGE NUMBER OF UNSUSPECTING WOMEN AND SOME MEN HAVE ALREADY BEEN TAKEN IN BY THIS SO WE URGE YOU TO TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION.

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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan!"

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Spaniard went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green Grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."

The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."

Last was the Spanish: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green..." I Pink up the phone and I say "Yellow...?"

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ORSM VIDEO

The second last part of the sen-fuckin-sational Paris series this week. Everyone enjoying it? I think it kicks ass and signs a very loud song for cumpulsory bisexualism for all hot females aged 18-25 years old.

- Paris: Part 5 -

This young bloke in Sydney Australia wanted to join the big flash gentleman's club. It was pretty exclusive and pretty expensive, but on his eighteenth birthday he went along and applied to join.

Within a couple of days he got a letter telling him that he'd been accepted as a member. He put on his best suit and went along, but so as not to look cheap he got a double gin and tonic. He went into the lounge and there was an old retired army major sitting in the chair by the fire. He looked up and said, "You're new here aren't you sonny". The young chap replied, "Yes sir".

The major asked, 'how old are you son?' He replied, "just turned eighteen sir." The major said, "I remember when I was eighteen, I was in Africa, in the jungle, I came across a clearing and on the opposite side was a lion, staring straight at me. The lion let out an almighty ROAR" (the major jumped up off his chair and threw his arms up in the air and roared) "Shat m'self" yelled the major.

"I'm not surprised" said the young chap, "so would I if I saw a lion looking at me". "The major replied, "Not then, just now when I roared!!"

RANDOM SHITE

Ah Random Shite. Shite that's so fresh it hasn't even begun to stick just yet. Random Shite Viewer can be found here by the way.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Well that's it for this this update. I hope everyone is glad to be back after the break and plans on wasting as much work or school time as possible surfing the web... I know thats my goal. If I haven't said it yet - everyone have a happy fuckin New Year. In the mean time be good, stay off the chem's and go surf the site forums or something. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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