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January 2005...
 
orsmupdate 2005.01.27-23.42
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Welcome to Orsmnet... the site that was recently passed up for an Australian of the Year Award because lady who won it has a daughter who is way hotter than me...

I hate this. I've had a relatively boring last week and have spent the last few hours trying to conjure up something worthy of reading. I guess I may as well do a run down of what's been going on in my little world...

The weekend was relatively low-key. Saturday we had the usual home open thing to deal with which meant out of bed kind of early [8:30am] and start running around the place cleaning up. It's amazing how much shit can pile up in a week and after 3 weekends of home opens it's starting to piss me off making sure the joint is spotless and there's nothing lying around in plain site for people to steal.

My biggest concern with all this is the more unscrupulous members of society using the opportunity to scope out the house for a potential break-in target. I'm pretty pedantic as it is - I always make sure the curtains are closed and doors and windows are dead-bolted before I leave the house but having all these unknowns traipse around here while I aren't makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not as if I have that much expensive crap but without the dog to patrol [I aren't allowed to leave her here] and a real estate agent who most likely doesn't give a shit if my stuff goes missing I'm becoming more and more frustrated.

Anyway after the house was sorted we had a few hours to kill whilst I opened my life to whoever felt like a look so we went to do some house hunting of our own. Up until now I haven't made too much of an effort to look at houses with the idea being that if I look seriously I will find something I like and want to buy but not be able to due to my finances still being a mess. As it stands they are still all over the place but I figure if I don't have an idea what I'm looking for before I start looking its just going to make the whole process far longer and harder than it has to be.

This is where it things begin to get interesting and I get all pessimistic with the world. We looked at probably 10 different places. Some were absolute rubbish, some where half decent but not what I wanted and the rest all seemed to be spectacular but out of my price range. The advice people give you at this point is 'keep looking - something will turn up!' and its fucking annoying. Of course something will turn up but what they don't tell you is in the mean time be prepared to waste countless looking at what an ad describes as 'spacious character home' is in reality 'dilapidated dogbox'.

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Sunday was a good day. The temperature cranked to around 40 degrees [which I think is over 100 if you are American] so first thing I did was head for the dog beach. The place was absolutely packed so there was plenty of scenery and dog has a great time. Actually that sort of reminds me... I should really throw out a big thankyou to everyone who emailed me when I first got my puppy with training tips and advice. I put in a shit load of work with the training thing and now, just over 2 years since I got her, I've ended up with a very well behaved dog. I always laugh when I see some poor bastard trying to control their retarded poodle [or similar 'yapper'] when all I need do is calmly utter 'Milla, come' and she's by my side at the blink of an eye no matter what the distraction.

Jump to yesterday and we had the Australia Day public holiday which is just an excuse to relax and drink some beer. Ours was probably quite similar to what most Aussies ages 18-30 did - fire up the BBQ, cook some sausages and lamb, drink, enjoy the weather, hang with your mates and spend the afternoon speculating who was going to take out the Hottest 100. For the record and at the risk of being totally lambasted by the bong smoking crew I had no idea who would even be in it because I refuse to listen to Triple J these days...

Like I said... it's been a quiet, uneventful week and I have no idea how I managed to dribble on this long about it but I have, and it appears that I still am, so scroll down and get on with the update...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

If you like them young and ripe, Rabbit's got a special site for you. Check out his in-depth review of 18 honeys!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Bikini Chicks Go Wild - Feeling Angry? - Magical Trevor - I Want One! - Jessica Alba's ASS

Sexy Celebrity Videos - Hot For Play - Kamikaze Chaos - Mesmerising - Sexy Drunk Duke Girls

A cat was running wildly down alleys, up fire escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbour knew whose cat it was and reported it. "Your cat is running around like mad." "I know," answered the owner, "He's just been sterilized and he is cancelling engagements."
--
A guy walking along noticed two union workers working along the sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again." "Oh," explained one of the workers, "the third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
--
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

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There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven. Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night, and satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business." "It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely especially being an old widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want." "I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of travelling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?" "If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."

ORSM VIDEO

This little gem of a video has been around for a while now... I just never got my shit together and posted it but if you haven't seen it before you're in for a good laugh. As far as I understand it is not real and from some TV show or something. Check it...

- Drunken DUI Stop -

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Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologising for taking so long.

He asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold... and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!!

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it".

"Well" says the big 'gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you", replied the small 'gator. "Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down at the other end of the swamp at the parking lot, by the capitol" "Same here. Hmmm.How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of those Lexus cars and wait for them to unlock the car door. Then I jump out and grab them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them".

"AH!" says the big 'gator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting enough nourishment. See, by the time you done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase".

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

ORSM VIDEO

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

RANDOM SHITE

According to the email you guys have sent me over the last few days I well and truly nailed Random Shite last week... let's see if I can even come close this time shall we...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1. it had never been occupied; 2. that there was plenty of heat; 3. that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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Well guy's that wraps up another update, the 4th for this year would you believe! With a bit of luck everything should return to normal next week and full size updates including reader mail will once again grace these pages. If you've got something you wanna say or something you thing is Orsm-worthy then drop me a line here.

For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay... unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.01.20-22.36
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Wouldn't it be great to bitch slap someone across the internet? I swear whoever finally figures out how to make this a reality will make enough money to make even Bill Gates jealous.

If you cast your minds back a couple of months, the site had a patch of downtime over a couple of weeks when my previous host failed and then when we moved Orsmnet to a new server. If you've been reading for a really long time you may also remember that we built the servers that run the site and shipped them to Texas to fulfil their responsibilities. The reason we moved everything on to a new machine rather than just pick up my servers and ship them is because I knew we would have problems with the web host and as it turned out I was 100% right.

After the new server was up and running I notified him that due to several issues including unexplained dropouts, 2 days of unexplained downtime [which was the icing on the cake], the fact the bandwidth to the servers was deceptively throttled/restricted and non-existent customer service, I was terminating any arrangement with him and wanted my servers back immediately. This is where shit got really interesting. I was told that they would not be returned unless I paid him US$1500. Now I don't know about anyone else but I consider that a fair whack of cash... I don't have it just to throw around and especially not when the service I was receiving was so poor and in my eyes violated our contract.

So we argued for the next week or so over chat, I said some things that I probably shouldn't have and all of a sudden he tells me that my servers are going to be sold [against my wishes and without my authority] to recoup the money I allegedly owed him on my contract. It became clear around this time I was dealing with a pro, someone who had been through this plenty of times with plenty of people and knew exactly how to screw me.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I got him to agree to sign a release from my contract if I coughed up US$1000. He made this entire process way harder than it had to be, promising he was going to be online at certain times so everything could be organised, not showing up and then having the audacity to tell me I missed the deadline and the servers were going to be sold. Huge stress and far too many sleepless nights.

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It took the better part of 6 weeks from when I initially said I wanted my stuff back but I finally got the release signed and returned at which time I sent the $1000. Great I thought, I just need to get them shipped and everything will be back to normal. How wrong I was. After he gets the cash he once again pulls the magical disappearing act I had become so accustomed to and I don't hear from him for 10-12 days.

By this point I'm frustrated. When he finally shows up online again I say my piece and ask him to contact the company whose service he was reselling me and get the servers shipped. He goes on to explain that there will be a $190 charge PER SERVER! After even more arguing I give up and call directly the company he buys from and ask what the standard charges are... have a guess how much? If you said $25 per server plus shipping you'd be right!

Another week passes and he finally returns online and we continue arguing. By this stage it's a couple of days until Christmas and he assures me that upon supplying him my credit card details there will be no extra cost on top of what he is charged BUT it will have to wait until the new year to get the ball rolling. January the 3rd rolls around and I hand over my details then sit idly by for a few more days until I hear back from him again.

So almost 3 weeks since I did that and I haven't heard a peep from him for 2 of those. I once again contacted the sales rep he deals with and am informed that due to him having some sort of 'discrepancy' with his bill they have put a hold on releasing any of the equipment under his care. Fucking great.

It's now been over 3 months since I originally asked for them back and what you've read above is well and truly the condensed version but it's hard to deny that I am no closer to getting my shit back than I was in October. What a fucking joke. After all this I have learnt a couple of valuable lessons but I'm left with one burning question - why the hell are people such dickheads?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

Every once in a while, you need a dose of good hardcore. Don't know where to get it? Then head over to Rabbit's hardcore porn reviews!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Too Much Fun! - Man Gets Broadband - Blindfolded Piano - The iPorn - Psycho LS1 - Denise Richards In Lingerie

Sexy Bikini Girls - One Of A Kind - Job Title Generator - Whack Your Boss - Kissing A Super Model

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. "Do you understand?" his mother asked. "Yes," replied Little Johnny. "Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother. "Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom. "Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"
--
Normal is: getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.

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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

ORSM VIDEO

The compilations continue and this week we take a look at the best of Priceless. It features all of my favourite vids from the Priceless vid section of the site. Oh yeah... this is actually the first one I banged together so if it sucks, that's why. Check it...

- Orsmnet Presents: Get Priceless -

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I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" says the husband.

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replied the drunk.

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."

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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No… I think I'll just wait for the police."

ORSM VIDEO

Walking on the beach one day, a young man finds the proverbial lamp washed up on shore. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appears and states quite proudly that he is not your ordinary genie. The man inquires as to what makes this genie so special. To this the genie explains that no matter what the man asks for his three wishes, his mother-in-law will receive twice as much. Although the man did not like his mother-in-law very much he was very excited about getting 3 wishes.

"Well, for my first wish" says the young man "I would like 5 million dollars". POOF! Right in front of him is 5 million bucks. The genie then says "Your mother-in-law has 10 million dollars sitting in front of her right now". This visibly upsets the man but is still quite excited about his second wish "I have always wanted a Rolls Royce, so that's what I want for my second wish". POOF! Of course, in front of him is the most beautiful piece of machinery he has ever laid his eyes upon. "Your mother-in-law has two of those just like it" says the genie. This was too much for the gentleman to handle.

After about a half-an-hour of contemplation he returns to the genie and says "I know exactly what I want for my third wish, I want to be beaten half to death!!"

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Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

RANDOM SHITE

I kinda sorta get the feeling I maybe nailed RS this week... check it out and decide for yourself...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click my boobies for more

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

click here for more

A honeymooning couple was passing through Kentucky. When they were approaching Versailles, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are". The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

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Okay I think that's all I'm good for. Make sure you tune back in next week for more of the same and even a bit of not the same.

For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay... unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.0.13-20.07
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Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome to what was recently described by the old, non-English speaking Polish lady who cleans my house as the pinnacle of adult entertainment.

Well I seem to have found myself back in the swing of things this week. I've been kept quite busy doing all those stupid little chores that don't actually count towards productivity but nonetheless take up oodles of time. Most of it has been on the computer reorganising. Would you believe that with 560gigs of storage on my main PC I am running out of space? Ridiculous. Ended up costing me most of yesterday whilst I attempted to delete or back up as much as possible. I need to stop downloading random rubbish I find on the net and learn that file sharing has its downfalls.

This has all been brought on by the cleaning bug within coming out of hibernation just in time for summer. As I have mentioned a while back, we're getting kicked out of this place because the landlord is selling up. Plans did change slightly though - instead of moving out this weekend like we were supposed to so they could paint and get the house ready to sell, we've been allowed to stay as whoever buys it next may let us continue to dwell here.

So last Saturday we had the first home open. I wasn't too thrilled about this as it meant lots of random, unknown people traipsing their way through the house looking at my shit but I had no choice or say in the matter so what can you do? In the lead up to it I thought I had better get the place clean and presentable... do all the maintenance sort of stuff that I'd have to do when we move out anyway. This pretty much just involved cleaning up after the dog... dig all the turds out of the garden, wipe marks off the walls, clean wet nose marks off glass doors and putting things away or back in cupboards out of peoples site. I can't handle the thought of someone coming into my house and thinking I live like an animal.

The problem now is that until the house sells we have to keep it more or less immaculate incase the agent wants to show anyone through during the week. It's not such a bad thing as I'm a clean freak/obsessive compulsive wannabe anyway but after spending almost 14 hours last Friday cleaning I can't see myself staying enthused enough to do it every week.

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The rest of my weekend was pretty cruisy. I visited my grandmother [something I don't do often enough] and got talking about our family history. Its one of those things that I always say I want to do but never make time for. Anyway, without going into specifics, it was an absolutely fascinating 90 mins of great grandparents, great great grandparents, distant cousins, uncles and aunts, relatives in other countries, family tragedies and family disputes. I basically got 80 years of history over lunch and it's something I'll definitely be pursuing with her again. If you don't know how you got to where you are and have the opportunity to find out then make the most of it!

Half of Sunday was spent at the beach checking out the chicks and exercising the dog but mostly checking out the chicks and I've got the damn sunburn to prove it. I can usually handle a fair whack of sun before I get burnt and as it wasn't that hot I flagged the whole sun cream thing so I've been walking around all week with white sunglass stripes on the sides of my head. Funny how everyone feels the need to comment on it though - "oh, been out in the sun with your sunnies on huh?". Duh... what the fuck do you think? That I just paint these on my head so people will talk to me?

After that we made the decision to not waste the rest of the weekend doing jack shit and went bowling. Okay, if you're anything like me then you're probably rolling your eyes and saying 'how boring' but it turned out to be a fucking great idea. Where better to go when you're sunburnt to buggery and dehydrated? Bowling! Cranked air-conditioning and a surprisingly large number of females around to keep us amused whilst we hurled balls down the aisle in an uncoordinated fashion. To be honest I'm completely crap but it's hard not to have a good time when you're sitting around with your mates dishing up shit to each other after every chuck.

It's shaping up to be a good summer... lets see how long it takes before something comes along and fucks that all up...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

During the day, he's a common driver in Montreal, Canada. At night, he turns into a self-made porn star that bangs all kinds of chicks for his website. Read the full BrunoB review.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Karate Babes - Quasar Master - Crazy Flips - Read The Story First - Anna Kournikova's Sexy Ass

Madonna Giving Head - Jessica's Wet T-Shirt - Oh Deer - Paris Hilton's Sexy Ass

Carlos calls his boss and says, "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work." The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me some tail. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
--
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. Soon enough she heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

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I COULD BE VERY HAPPY WITH GIRLS LIKE THIS...

Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez

Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of Australia 20 million. 9 million are retired. That leaves 11 million. There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work. At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...

ORSM VIDEO

The second update for the new year and time for my next compilation video instalment. I'm starting to get the hang of tinkering with video editing software finally which made the process entirely less painful and hopefully it's reflected in this one. There's no particular theme except that it showcases some of my favourite clips that have been posted on Orsmnet over the last few years. Feedback welcome for this one also! Check it...

- Orsm Presents: Feeling 4 U -

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb fuck. Someone has stolen our tent."

click here for more

DAISY IS DELISH

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail account.

So what's stopping you? You'll get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics, live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click here to check it out now!!

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells: "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT? Get out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you ever again!"

"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath) - and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A Prostitute Dad... sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a PROTESTANT!!! Come here and give your old man a hug!"

RANDOM SHITE

Got something you wanna contribute to RS? Send it my way! For all the rest of you just sit back, click the damn links and prepare yourselves for the inevitable! Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyser test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe

Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe

Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe - Camel Toe

Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the Father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mum and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head.

Back down stairs he goes to his little Brother. "Come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older Brother turns to his younger Brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!"

click here for more

Well tickle my bits and call me DONE! If you enjoyed this update then do me a favour and drop me a line. If you didn't enjoy it then kill yourself now but first send me an email and tell me why. If you don't want your name or email posted on the site then make sure you tell me! I'm pretty big on feedback lately can you tell!?

For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay... unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2005.01.06-19.04
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I must be fucking stupid. After my last update I promised myself I was going to have a break for at least a couple of weeks but here I am, back into it with barely a week under my belt. Why? Fuck knows but a lot of procrastinating went into the decision until Monday night finally rolled around and it occurred to me I would just feel guilty if I didn't. So despite the fact I know I'll regret it... here I am.

I spent some time talking [read: crapping on] about plans and activities of the festive season so I'll give you all a quick recap [because I know everyone is dying to find out!]. Christmas day wasn't actually too bad except for the heat, the rain and the humidity, oh and the fact I had to make 10 different stops on the day. I racked up just under 200kms making sure I saw everyone I wanted to see but after a long 18 hours I was thrashed and glad to call it a day. I don't know how Santa does it but I definitely won't be going coast to coast next year believe me.

As for presents, I didn't do too badly. Most of it was stuff that I will need for when I get out of here and into my own house which was thoughtful. There were a couple of things that I didn't accept and asked for them to be returned - I mean how much aftershave can one person own or use? As for the presents I got the rest of my family, they were well received. All good.

New Years Eve didn't go anything like what was planned. Due to pretty much all of my friends doing the Perth Cup thing on New Years Day I was no-mated and hit the town with just 2 others. One thing led to another, we all got drunk, finished up and I was at home in bed by 4am. It probably would've been a much later/better night if certain people [who will remain nameless] hadn't of put a damper on things. Live and learn I guess...

Those 2-3 weeks of December is one of the few times I stress out unnecessarily and it detracts from the fun of it all so I'm glad it's over for another year.

click here for more

The few days after Christmas were just what the doctor ordered. What did I do? NOTHING! I sat on my ass and watched DVD's, and slept and caught up with friends, slept, went out for lunch, did some family stuff, hit the sales and basically just relaxed. Why cant every week be like that?

Anyway, on to more recent events and with the Tsunami dominating most of them lately it would be wrong for me to ignore it. I don't particularly want to go on about how much of a tragedy it was, how sad it was that so many people died, the desperation the thousands of orphaned children must now feel, or the anguish shared by so many surviving relatives - anything I could say has likely been said a thousand times already.

Unfortunately I'm now at the point where I simply can not read or watch another thing about it. Funnily enough this has little to do with the actual events themselves and more with the media free for all that has and is taking place. How many reporters do they need to send up there to tell the same fucking story?

Devastation? Yes, we know! Tragedy? Yes, we know! Sadness? Yes, we know! How about donating the money it costs to send them up there to charity? I don't know, maybe there's an argument for so much coverage, maybe it helps people grieve, maybe not everyone is like me and doesn't think its just one big ratings battle. I understand that people need to know but honestly - how long before everyone gets sick of tsunami this and tsunami that and more harm than good is done?

One final thing... if you haven't got around to donating to one of the many tsunami victim funds yet then please do. I'm not going to single out or recommend any specific charity but to put it bluntly - without our help these people are screwed.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Ever wonder how porn actresses learn their art? Well if you care to know how LESBIAN ones do it, head over to Lesbo101, and make sure you get a front-row seat!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Unbelievable Dress - Sexy Workout - Freakin Fries - Homemade Tank - Playboy @ McDonalds - Club Sluts

Chick Water Fight - Jessica In A Bikini - Nat Portman Naked - She Blocked Me - Booty Shakin

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist..."
--
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, purple, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.

click here for more

BRIGHT STAR SHINING

Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel

Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel - Chanel

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person Who should be there watching over the child. Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: Me!"

ORSM VIDEO
For the last few months I have been trying to come up with something to spice up the January updates. I ended up with a shit load of idea's however most of them were exactly that - shit. One that did sort of stick out was doing a compilation thing so I sat down and poured through thousands of vids and stuck some of them together. It's glaringly obvious that my editing skills are completely amateur but I'm sure most of you will enjoy it nonetheless. Love some feedback too! More next week!

- Orsm Presents: Dancing In Heaven -
[11.3megs - Not dial-up friendly sorry guy's!]

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Leroy was a 17 year old ninth grader. Leroy got this homework assignment in his Ebonics class. All he had to do was use each of the following words in a sentence. The following is how he completed the assignment. Leroy got an "A".

OMELETTE: I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.
BEFORE: Dere was five kids in my family, but then den one died, so now dere before.
RECTUM: I had two Cadillac's but my old lady rectum.
HOTEL: I gave my woman da crabs and da hotel everybody.
ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you odyssey da tits on that hoe.
STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me if I was stain for dinner again.
SELDOM: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Warriors game so I seldom.
PENIS: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month I'll have no money foreclose.
UNDERMINE: There's a fine looking hoe living in da apartment undermine.
TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no Tripoli.
DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told med if I miss disappointment he gonna kill me.
INCOME: I just got to bed wit dis hoe and income my wife.
HONOR: At da rape trial, da judge axed my bro, who be honor first?
FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she said fortify
ISRAEL: Alonzo tried to sell me a Rolex, I said man dat look fake. He said, no Leroy, Israel.

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SEXY LITTLE BIRD

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "George, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your asshole is for."

READER MAIL
I'm giving myself a break from posting any mail for the rest of this month. Sorting through and compiling is one of the most time consuming tasks of any update. If you've sent anything to me recently rest assured that it will most likely end up in an update in coming weeks. In the mean time if you have something you'd like to see on the site or just wanna send me pics of a mate who humiliated him or her self then you may do so here.

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President George Bush is on a trip to several European countries. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." The Queen phones Tony Blair, puts him on a speaker phone and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question for me. ‘Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, madam."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. President?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Dick Cheney first and says, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, Mr President. What's on your mind?" "Well, your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Cheney hums and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Cheney hangs up.

Cheney immediately calls members of his staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Cheney calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, Colin, your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved Cheney rushes back to call Bush and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"

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ORSM VIDEO

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table...

My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until dinner time tomorrow".

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A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! ... I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! ... Nobody here tells me anything!"

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There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

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Okay that pretty much covers my end of things for this the very first of at least 50 updates I'll do this year! Yes, I know it was somewhat shorter than usual but if I can't find the time to take a proper break from the site then light duties will have to suffice plus I'm busy with trying to get my shit together for the impending house move. In other words – deal with it!

For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and have a happy new year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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