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Welcome to Orsm.net. George likes his chicken spicy!
Holy crap I have been a busy boy. The phone hasn't stopped ringing, emails, text messages, letters, post cards, IM's, Morse code, smoke signals - everyone wants a piece of me. Same as this time last year it's obvious that popularity amongst my peers is at an all time high, something which can only be attributable to my magnetic personality and good looks. There really has been crap loads going on though and not all of it involved me staring blankly into a computer screen which is a nice change.
Anyone been following the news this week and more specifically the Australian Open Tennis? I'll straight away say that I hate tennis, have absolutely no interest in tennis and would rather endure two hours of kinky man sex than one hour of grunting in a way that makes spectators think you're being raped [no matter how hot the chicks are]. That said I must be missing something because with several pervs getting busted there taking upskirt photos the place must be wall to wall full of quality babes. Of course that's just how many they caught, I'm sure there were plenty of others who weren't.
Then there was the whole Big Day Out anti-Australian Flag controversy. The BDO is a day long concert which tours capital cities around the country, features tonnes of different big name bands and attracts tens of thousands of stoners. Anyway after dramas last year with a small group of morons accusing other BDO goers of not being Australian the organisers announced that they were banning anyone carrying the Aussie flag to the event because it may incite racist behaviour. A huge outcry from anyone with a soap box followed before the organisers relented and dropped the ban.
This got me thinking how people from other countries perceive Australians when they hear this kind of thing happening because two of the biggest news stories this week have painted us as perverted racists. Definitely not what you would call endearing traits... except maybe the bit about being pervs but I'd love to know what you guys think of us. Email me!
Moving on... I distinctly remember Australia Day last year and it sucked. It fell on a Thursday and - you guessed it - I was right here doing my update. As opposed to previous years where the public holiday was held on the nearest Monday, for the last few the rules have been changed so that no matter which day it falls on, that's the day we celebrate it. Makes sense but I missed out on drinking beer, eating lamb and hanging with my mates which is exactly what the day is all about.
To make up for it we're doing a big Aussie Day shindig at my place. It'll also double as a going away party for some friends and come to think of it the housewarming that I never had so it should be a pretty massive day. As for how many people are coming... I have absolutely no idea. And why is that? Because no one has RSVP'd!
Over the years it's become more and more common for people to not RSVP. Whether it being forgetfulness, laziness or just being too casual, no one seems to bother anymore which admittedly isn't really a problem unless its you're the one having a party. Not that I would dare point a finger though - I am the fucking worst. After an invite arrives I'll open it and make a decision as to whether I'm going or not and that's the last I'll think of it until the actual day. Too bad if the person holding the party is trying to work out how much food or booze to buy...
Okay better get on with the update. As I mentioned above my week was crazier than a meth junkie on a 17 day bender so unfortunately Reader Mail was a casualty but I'm pretty sure the rest of the update rocks so grab a beer, get your rubber gloves on and check it...
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The shocked truck driver hurried to the nearest police station to report the accident and the officer on duty told the driver not to worry.
He said " We'll charge one with Break & Enter and the other with Leaving The Scene Of An Accident."
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Here's a warning I want to pass on about Bunnings: I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work. I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you, especially at Bunnings.
21 THINGS THAT MAKE AUSTRALIA GREAT
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. Orsm.net
21. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy!
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
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NEW RULES FOR 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
--Author unknown
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.
A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...
Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man.
Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.
Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!". Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.
Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.
A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott
"Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside." "Right Oh" said Prescott.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
"Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'
"Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay time to wrap this update up. It may be smaller than my usual efforts but Jesus Christ it took some work making it all happen so HOPEFULLY it didn't suck...
- Check out the site archives. They are now so big they have their own post code. It's 1.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that... and so on...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise they won't get any lamb.
- Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and think happy thoughts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
