Welcome one, welcome all... unless you are a minor viewing this material in a place where it is illegal for a person of your age to do so or you do not have parental consent in which case close this window really quickly before someone arrests me for something.

It's been one of those fucking weeks I swear. The type where nothing really goes right and you end up feeling angry at this cruel, cruel world. It started to go bad in the very early hours of Sunday morning. A few of us headed out to our local to have a few drinks and to catch up. Hit midnight they all piked and went home. Undeterred I soldiered on solo and found several others to play with and ensure that by the time I was ready to go home I was well and truly drunk.

Hit 2am and my mission had been accomplished. I couldn't see, I couldn't stand, I could only just kind of talk and I had black Sambucca spilt all down my white shirt [resultant of an advanced drinking manoeuvre that went horribly wrong]. I bid farewell to my drinking companions and headed outside to find a cab.

I'm not entirely sure how I made it across the street without being run over but I did and took my place at the cab rank in line behind a couple of other people. It was about this time I was approached by two somewhat suspect looking women. We made some small talk and after a minute or two I uncontrollably blurted out "you guy's are dykes right?". They confirmed my suspicions although if my blurry vision was anything to go by they weren't too impressed with my revelation. I followed this up with other memorable comments such as "have you guy's just been at the gay bar?" and "are you happy in your choice as lesbians?"...

What happened next is unclear. The effect of countless black Sambucca and Tequila shooters was starting to really kick in by this point and I was rapidly approaching a passed out state of being. Suddenly though, I was on my ass - flat on my back on the pavement of our fair city.

This was kind of weird. As I lay there looking up with several people gathered around me seeing if I was okay all I could think was did I fall of my own volition or did the lesbians attack me. Add to this an excruciating pain had begun emitting from my left ankle which I thought was quite weird especially when you consider alcohol normally dulls any pain. From here the next half and hour or so is mostly a blank in my mind. I somehow got up, I somehow got in a cab, I somehow got home, and I somehow got upstairs into bed.

I awoke the next morning with the driest mouth I have EVER had in my entire life [let this be a lesson to always drink water before bed when ridiculously drunk]. First thing I try and do is get up to find liquid but as you would expect I fell over the moment I tried to use my foot. The rest of the day was spent in agony as even the slightest movement left me squealing like a little bitch.

Even now 4 days later I am still hobbling with what I assume is a sprain except I'm now coming down with a cold or flu or something and feeling sorry for myself. It's been an injury plagued winter this year.

So the jury is out - did I trip on a kerb whilst drunk or did my one of my dreams about being attacked by lesbians almost come true? I guess I'll never know.

Speaking of juries, you be the judge of wether or not you'd hit the few hundred hotties a day that post nude pics on NewbieNudes.com Hell, maybe the damn dykes that dropped me are on there - you just never know. Check it out - have some fun and post yourself there! It's free.

MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

The Retrosexual - Perth Girl? - Cammer V8 PC - Salad Fingers - Burnt Face Man - Oral Disco - Sniper School

Britney: Fucking Moron - Tombstone Generator - Be Annoying - Owned - Nonsense - Charisma Carpenter - Man Swap

I proudly present Rose McGowan looking absolutely bloody magnificent in pink...

A little old man shuffled... slooooowly into an ice cream parlour, pulled himself... slooooowly... painfully... up onto a stool. After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "Arthritis".
--
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
--
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam.
--
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive".

Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen - Tasty Teen

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9 million are retired. That leaves 11 million. There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work. At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.

GORGEOUS GLAMOUR Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez - Glam Lez

A white man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender. "Nigger, get me a beer." The bartender replies, "excuse me?" "Did you not hear me? I said 'nigger get me a beer.'" The bartender, now very upset says, "don't you feel that you should talk like that in this day and age". "I will if I want to," said the white man. "I'm the one ordering."

The bartender says, "How would you feel if we changed places?" The white man agrees and goes behind the counter. The black man, now the customer says, "Cracker Jack ass-hole, get me a beer". The white man turns to the black man and says, "We don't serve niggers!"

ONE PLACE I'D RATHER BE The magical little island of Bora Bora... Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora

In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3AM, RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway.

Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car, the man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it was still stuck in the snow.

Constable Wisen, having a sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat, was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.

ORSM VIDEO The dating game is a funny thing. it's different for everyone woman and us guy's know it. Some girls need the bunch of flowers, the fancy dinner and a fullfilling nite of engaging conversation to get the sparks flying where as others just need a place to get the party started... like these two love birds... - How Fucking Romantic -

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

THE OUTDOORS TYPE Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha

READER MAIL
I'd usually write some sort of blurb in this section about what email has come my way in the last week or so but with the aformentioned flu kicking my ass more and more with every passing minute I'll keep it short by saying if you have something to say or send me then do it here.

<with held> wrote: Subject: video attached - two real college girls making out I'd like to remain anonymous please. No e-mail or name. All I can say is at the time these girls were 18 or 19 and completely wasted. I especially like the in-video commentary. "Go in for more! DIVE! DIVE!" If there's one thing this site needs its more girl on girl action. -Orsm

OAD wrote: Subject: SV: Fuck for Forest Follow-up from the Quart-festival in Norway: Attached are two pictures of the vocalist from previous stunts. One of them showing him playing" a song by inserting his dick in a vacum-cleaner, the other picture speaks for itself..... I'm guessing he'd be an interesting guy to party with... -Orsm

Simon Connell wrote: Subject: what is it about paris Hey Mr Orsm. I don't know what it is but for some reason whenever I see Paris Hilton I just think I could fuck her harder than she has been fucked (by the 100's) before. She cops a lot of shit for being a spoilt little rich girl but given half a chance I don't know many guys who would knock her back if the oppurtunity was ever to present itself... me included! -Orsm

Alex wrote: Subject: Poo G'day Orsm, Splendid site you've got going here. After many years of taking from the splendor of the site, it is time to give back a little. This is the t-shirt you inspired me to create. As a positive spin-off, it won me a crude t-shirt making competition at work. Keep up the poo pictures, I really enjoy them.

<with held> wrote: Subject: cyber feaky! Dear Mr. Orsm, I Received this disgusting picture while chatting on ICQ with a man who told me he was a handsome, sexy women's doctor. His name is Carolus Schalbroeck and he is from Holland. Please place this picture on your site so all women are warned for the man with the shaved balls and the small dick and his wife with her tits hanging on her knees!

Craven wrote: Subject: can smash with attachment Started avidly reading your site about a week ago. Its sweet. Thought you might like this video of me and a buddy smashing cans. And yes we were extremely drunk. Thats me doing it twice. Keep up the good work i hope this gets posted.

Adam Gutman wrote: Subject: hillarious vid Greetings from the USA - love your site. This is a video of a friend of mine. We were at this thing called Relay For Live, where you stay up all night walking miles to raise money for cancer. it was at our high school and everyone brought tents to sleep in. At about 5:30 in the morning, delerious without sleep, my friend thought he could jump over this little tent. Watch what happens.

Rowan wrote: Subject: New Subaru Hi Mr ORSM, Great site! Here is a pic of the new Subaru, got a great tail peace don't you agree? All of the best. Nice asses! -Orsm

AND THE CREATIVE JUICES DID FLOW Some people definitely have far too much time on their hands... Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and 'ABRACADABRA!' two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and 'ABRACADABRA!'... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards but Fairies are females.

Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan - Nicole Sheridan

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

ORSM VIDEO

Heroic Cop

Boys & Their Toys

Winnebago Guy

Skiing Fun

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa - Kari & Melissa

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story, too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

RANDOM SHITE There's definitely a good mix of pics in the bunch this week. I've covered everything from Britney to the some totally weird fetish stuff. Hopefully this'll keep you guy's happy until next week! RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about what place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

TRUE PERFECTION Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mummy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mummy?" She continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this fucking family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so damn grouchy!"

Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova - Nikki Nova

Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in, wakes Mary up and says, "How was your date last night?"

"It was all right, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, "Your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."

Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra - Sandra

Before I get out of here this week I just want to thank the nameless champion out there who got me Open Your Eyes & the animated series of Clerks from my Amazon wish list! I'm half way through Open Your Eyes and hopefully will get a chance to watch the rest of it and start on Clerks this weekend!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist and make a brother happy would you!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Hello boys and girls, members of the congregation, representatives of the sub-committee and of course significant udders. Welcome to Orsmnet. Here we strive to better ourselves each week by purveying some of the finest porn, humour, video and random shite known to man. That may sound intriguing if you're new in these parts but don't be fooled - I'm very good at overselling myself!

As promised, my blog this week is a continuation of the questions fired at me by fellow Aussie, Ray. There's a good chance that I bored you guys shitless last week and an even bigger one that I'll do the same again this week. I guess if this annoys you, you can click that little X at the top right of your screens! Anyway here we go...

WHAT OTHER INTERESTS DO YOU HAVE BESIDES ORSM.NET, INTERNET AND COMPUTERS?
Cars is a big one. I don't have as much time these days to pull shit apart and play with things but it doesn't stop me from day dreaming. Eventually I'll find the time to buy an old wreck and build it into something special but that's definitely down the track. Next on the list is my dog - I'm pretty devoted to her and she takes up a lot of my spare time. There's a few more on this list but I won't bore you all.

[FOR THE THOUSANDS OF HEARTBROKEN LADIES] DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE? ARE YOU AVAILABLE?
Single. No special someone. Nobody loves me. Poor me huh?

IN HINDSIGHT, COULD YOU EVER IMAGINE ORSM.NET BECOMING WHAT IT HAS FROM ITS HUMBLE HTTP://I.AM/ORSM BEGINNINGS?
That's one of those things you kind of always hope will happen but don't really expect to. There's been plenty of up's and downs over the last few years but I'm happy with where it's taken me thus far.

Funnily enough before I even owned a computer I remember my sister going to see a clairvoyant. On her return home she filled us in on a few of the things she'd been told, one of which was to do with me being 'successful with computers'. I laughed it off because I only had a limited interest in computers at the time. I still wouldn't say I am successful but who knows what's ahead.

IF YOU COULD CREATE THE PERFECT OMLETTE, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE IT?!
If there's one thing I love doing it's cooking but even with all my culinary prowess I've never attempted an omelette and couldn't even tell you the last time I ate one. I think what I'm trying to say here is: eggs.

WHAT ARE YOUR OWN PERSONAL GOALS FOR 2004/2005?
At the top of the list is to buy a house [no matter how much of a head fuck it is]. Develop my own little business into something bigger and diversify [although I haven't actually figured out how to do that yet]. Beyond that is to become mind numbingly, disgustingly rich and then take over the world. There are a few others but you guys don't need to know them!

DO YOU HAVE A FAN BASE? DO YOU RECIEVE LOTS OF FAN MAIL? HAVE YOU EVER RECIEVED HATE MAIL?
Yeah the site definitely has a fan base. The bulk of fan mail [if you wanna call it that] is people saying how much they love the site which is always good to hear. I love feedback!

I'm sure I have received the occasional bit of hate mail but I don't really tend to remember it - it's vastly outweighed by the good stuff. At most its legal threats telling me to remove a picture or something.

IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?
Got online sooner. I dare say life and the site would be a lot different now if it went live 5 years earlier than it did. As it turned out all the shit I did between leaving school and getting online was pretty much just a waste of time.

IF YOU WERE PUT IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE IN 2004, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE TO SET YOURSELF APART? WOULD YOU HAVE DROPPED ANY HINTS OR ADMITTED YOU WERE MR ORSM?
I don't know that any one would care. It'd be like "Mr who?". One thing running this site has given me is an arsenal of funny, fucked up and out there ideas to draw from which I could spend months talking about if I tried. I could dazzle the other housemates and viewing public alike as I happily carry on conversations about girls who can take 4 fists and guys who can give themselves a blow job. I'd win the hearts of all...!!

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVOURITE WEBSITES?
NewbieNudes.com, HomestarRunner.com, Fark.com, News.com.au plus a couple of others which I won't mention because surfers aren't welcome at them!

FINALLY, IF YOU DIED TOMORROW, WHAT LEGACY (BESIDES ORSM.NET) HAVE YOU LEFT BEHIND?
That's a pretty hard one to answer. Who knows? And even if I did have an answer how would I reply with out sounding like I was full of myself?
--

With a bit of luck I will return to doing normal updates next week. I hope you guys didnt think that posting an interview of myself was too wanky by the way but I promise I'll try and get over it if you did!

MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site, you download to your hearts content! They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Interesting Facts - Overcoming Masturbation - Princess [Episode 1] - Princess [Episode 2] - Peasants Quest

New Thongs - Ill Mitch - KITT: For Sale! - Diego Time - Jib Jab - Electro Chemistry - Anti Auto-Theft Devices

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
--
Q: How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice during sex?
A: Fuck her in the ass; then, wipe your cock on the pillow case!
--
One blonde asks another "Which is further, London or the Moon?" The other replies "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose - Cynthia & Rose

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

MASTER OF HER DOMAIN Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, "How many have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-six," she replied. "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person your age cannot have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle. "It's easy" she said, "I just outlived those bitches."

ORSM VIDEO Must have seen a million movies or clips or whatever over the years where someone is dropping something that probably shouldn't be dropped out the back of a plane. I never really gave it much thought that there's quite likely a very exact science behind it... the do's and dont's. This video demostrates some of the dont's... - Air Drop Misshaps -

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

RECALESCENT Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome Prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of Tall tales begins.

The guy from Texas says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the Corral. It had gored six men before i wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."

The cowboy from Oklahoma remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pecker.

War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys - War Toys

A mother and her young son were flying West Jet Airlines from Calgary to Vancouver. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West Jet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you..."

Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint - Sylvia Saint

READER MAIL
I'm trying to think of a way to cope with all the mail thats come my way lately. What I receive well and truly outweighs what I can actually post on the site. There's not much point posting something I was emailed 6 months ago either [although it does happen] so what to do? I think I've floated the idea before of moving all the stuff you guy's send me to a separate website but I particuarly like having stuff on this page. I guess I can just leave things how thay are and keep complaining about it. ANyway if you've got something to say then email me here.

mario f wrote: Subject: Beck's penalities yo Mr orsm... jst gotta say i love your site and think its tip top.... im an aussie dude jst like you and enjoy bagging english people just has much as the next aussie. So heres the final destination of David Beckhams missed penality against Portugal in there Quarter Final defeat. keep up the good work and plz dont post da my email address.... Go PORTUGAl;)

Jay wrote: Subject: put this 2 ur nxt update-cute chick Hai ORSM, This is Jay from Ceylon, we love you site man.The frequent updates is a thumbs up!!! venthough the content is little its better a update.love it!! Here are some pics I got from a friend - Some Sexy local chicks. Save my ass though.Keep up the good work bro!

kill sadie wrote: Subject: COINCIDENCE i just found this interesting. a girl in your random shite section in your last update. well after my daily downloadings of pictures of porn i usually delete them all to keep my computer clean. well i decided to keep this one that i attached, and its the same girl as the one in your random shite section. i just was wondering if you know who she is or where i can get more. Anyone know? Had quite a few people ask me. Email me here if you do. -Orsm

Jason wrote: Subject: Dumb Bitch Picks i just wanted to share these pics of a girl i trick into giving when i showed her a pic of me!!! My Pic is enclosed Too!!!!! Dude you are so full of shit! -Orsm

kurt taylor wrote: Subject: shitty way to die saw this when i went to the recycling bin this morning. what a crap way to die. musta suffocated or something. Poor little bastard. -Orsm

Sean wrote: Subject: Formula One in London Hi Orsm, I sure you heard you about the F1 cars in London this week. I have some fantastic pictures and Videos I would like to send to you. I would like to send them to you so that you can put them up on your site (and resize if you need to)….the sounds of the cars are fantastic and the picture quality is also good. If you can handle large files let me know and I will send a couple for your opinion.

Cheaky Chef wrote: Subject: funny vid great site - beena fan for years just thought id send this my mate got a webcam for xmas and this is how he lets me know!! keep up the good work Very funny. -Orsm

Lauren wrote: Subject: having a fat day One for the ladies... it's not that bad really but it proves that woman in mags really aren't perfect! Amber (from Footballers Wives) annoyed a magazine artworker so he sent out the original artwork from a recent photo shoot as well as the touch-up. Something for you lads to think about when comparing your girl to those in the mags!

<with held> wrote: Subject: way cool rims + moron driver aight! i haven't seen this clip in your site and so i thought what the hell i'll send it to ya.. the busa's got rimmaxwheels rims.. i haven't visited their site for a long time but as i recall these are their most expensive wheels. the list price is about 6,200usd, so in comparison to the hayabusa's msrp it all goes up to about 2/3rds of the bikes price ;) all in all, the guy driving the bike is a total douchebag, he doesn't seem be a very good handler.. it's a shame the clip has no sound, i would've loved to hear the clutch slide while he tries the burnouts =)

WORTH A SURF
At one point or another the guys that run these totally kick ass sites droped me an email requesting a ink. Fair enough I say... they're all fuckin good sites so go check em out! Anyone else wanting a link should check out this page.

Chaser Mag - ASS - Babe Dump - Intravenous Caffeine Experience - Changing Links

BRUSH STROKES Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. One further question... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Dang, I thought you said goats."