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THE PROBLEM WITH EVERY PORN SITE ON THE WEB IS THAT THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH... UNTIL NOW. HERE'S WHY
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July 2004...
 
orsmupdate 2004.07.29-20.51
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Welcome one, welcome all... unless you are a minor viewing this material in a place where it is illegal for a person of your age to do so or you do not have parental consent in which case close this window really quickly before someone arrests me for something.

It's been one of those fucking weeks I swear. The type where nothing really goes right and you end up feeling angry at this cruel, cruel world. It started to go bad in the very early hours of Sunday morning. A few of us headed out to our local to have a few drinks and to catch up. Hit midnight they all piked and went home. Undeterred I soldiered on solo and found several others to play with and ensure that by the time I was ready to go home I was well and truly drunk.

Hit 2am and my mission had been accomplished. I couldn't see, I couldn't stand, I could only just kind of talk and I had black Sambucca spilt all down my white shirt [resultant of an advanced drinking manoeuvre that went horribly wrong]. I bid farewell to my drinking companions and headed outside to find a cab.

I'm not entirely sure how I made it across the street without being run over but I did and took my place at the cab rank in line behind a couple of other people. It was about this time I was approached by two somewhat suspect looking women. We made some small talk and after a minute or two I uncontrollably blurted out "you guy's are dykes right?". They confirmed my suspicions although if my blurry vision was anything to go by they weren't too impressed with my revelation. I followed this up with other memorable comments such as "have you guy's just been at the gay bar?" and "are you happy in your choice as lesbians?"...

What happened next is unclear. The effect of countless black Sambucca and Tequila shooters was starting to really kick in by this point and I was rapidly approaching a passed out state of being. Suddenly though, I was on my ass - flat on my back on the pavement of our fair city.

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This was kind of weird. As I lay there looking up with several people gathered around me seeing if I was okay all I could think was did I fall of my own volition or did the lesbians attack me. Add to this an excruciating pain had begun emitting from my left ankle which I thought was quite weird especially when you consider alcohol normally dulls any pain. From here the next half and hour or so is mostly a blank in my mind. I somehow got up, I somehow got in a cab, I somehow got home, and I somehow got upstairs into bed.

I awoke the next morning with the driest mouth I have EVER had in my entire life [let this be a lesson to always drink water before bed when ridiculously drunk]. First thing I try and do is get up to find liquid but as you would expect I fell over the moment I tried to use my foot. The rest of the day was spent in agony as even the slightest movement left me squealing like a little bitch.

Even now 4 days later I am still hobbling with what I assume is a sprain except I'm now coming down with a cold or flu or something and feeling sorry for myself. It's been an injury plagued winter this year.

So the jury is out - did I trip on a kerb whilst drunk or did my one of my dreams about being attacked by lesbians almost come true? I guess I'll never know.

Speaking of juries, you be the judge of wether or not you'd hit the few hundred hotties a day that post nude pics on NewbieNudes.com Hell, maybe the damn dykes that dropped me are on there - you just never know. Check it out - have some fun and post yourself there! It's free.

MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

The Retrosexual - Perth Girl? - Cammer V8 PC - Salad Fingers - Burnt Face Man - Oral Disco - Sniper School

Britney: Fucking Moron - Tombstone Generator - Be Annoying - Owned - Nonsense - Charisma Carpenter - Man Swap

I proudly present Rose McGowan looking absolutely bloody magnificent in pink...

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A little old man shuffled... slooooowly into an ice cream parlour, pulled himself... slooooowly... painfully... up onto a stool. After catching his breath... he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "Arthritis".
--
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
--
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam.
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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive".

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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9 million are retired. That leaves 11 million. There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work. At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.

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A white man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender. "Nigger, get me a beer." The bartender replies, "excuse me?" "Did you not hear me? I said 'nigger get me a beer.'" The bartender, now very upset says, "don't you feel that you should talk like that in this day and age". "I will if I want to," said the white man. "I'm the one ordering."

The bartender says, "How would you feel if we changed places?" The white man agrees and goes behind the counter. The black man, now the customer says, "Cracker Jack ass-hole, get me a beer". The white man turns to the black man and says, "We don't serve niggers!"

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ONE PLACE I'D RATHER BE
The magical little island of Bora Bora...

Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora - Bora Bora

In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3AM, RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway.

Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car, the man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it was still stuck in the snow.

Constable Wisen, having a sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat, was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.

ORSM VIDEO

The dating game is a funny thing. it's different for everyone woman and us guy's know it. Some girls need the bunch of flowers, the fancy dinner and a fullfilling nite of engaging conversation to get the sparks flying where as others just need a place to get the party started... like these two love birds...

- How Fucking Romantic -

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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READER MAIL
I'd usually write some sort of blurb in this section about what email has come my way in the last week or so but with the aformentioned flu kicking my ass more and more with every passing minute I'll keep it short by saying if you have something to say or send me then do it here.

Shags wrote:
Subject: London
Okay - I really am locked out of your site now. Bloody puritan internet firewall. Anyway hope all is well in the great great land of Oz. Am missing it horribly at the moment, mainly cause everyone I know is going back there and I'm not and also because this summer is absolutely f***ing wank. No sun. No heat. Just muggy drizzle and grey skies. It's an absolute f***ing joke, I f***king hate it and if I could I would skip this town for the sunny south coast of France or Spain. But I can't, so I'm going to do as the english do and have bloody good moan about the lack of f***ing good weather. It's utterly utterly f***ed, I reckon I'm head for SAD (seasonal adjustment depression) so f***king brilliant. Weatherman promised me sun this week, f***king lying c***, it hasn't materialised. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

michael baynham wrote:
Subject: the girl in the picture
just to let you know the girl in the picture is called candy she's an 18 year old from the uk. this is her website http://erotic.redclouds.com/candy/. thanks for a great site

Joel Cheek wrote:
Subject: PopularGirl
I noticed this picture on your site. Some guy was wondering who she was. Well, I was playing Yahoo hearts one day and stumbled upon this very pic. The girls profile is http://profiles.yahoo.com/cheecherina, but has since been removed. Hope this a viable lead anyway.

Scotty wrote:
Subject: Spotted a friend in your Random Shite section...
Hey there Mr. Orsm. Long time fan, Scotty here. Just thought I would let you know that I spotted a friend of mine in your Random Shite section of your last update. The little man in the kilt, with the T-shirt that says "The Man (arrow pointing up) The Legend (arrow pointing down)" is known as "photognome." He's a fellow U.S. Kilt-wearer, like myself, and spends a good chunk of his time promoting the wearing of kilts. He has a livejournal with tons of good pics at http://www.livejournal.com/users/photognome/

Dan wrote:
Subject: Tawnee Stone's brother...
Dear Orsm, I live in Crystal Lake, Illinois, USA, as does the brother of Tawnee Stone (AKA Tammy Saris), Mike Saris. He graduated a year before I did. A week ago, a friend and employee at Hollywood Video Rental caught him stealing 2 video games. I guess this is a stupid email, no one cares about that.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: video attached - two real college girls making out
I'd like to remain anonymous please. No e-mail or name. All I can say is at the time these girls were 18 or 19 and completely wasted. I especially like the in-video commentary. "Go in for more! DIVE! DIVE!"

If there's one thing this site needs its more girl on girl action. -Orsm

click to download

OAD wrote:
Subject: SV: Fuck for Forest
Follow-up from the Quart-festival in Norway: Attached are two pictures of the vocalist from previous stunts. One of them showing him playing" a song by inserting his dick in a vacum-cleaner, the other picture speaks for itself.....

I'm guessing he'd be an interesting guy to party with... -Orsm

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Simon Connell wrote:
Subject: what is it about paris
Hey Mr Orsm. I don't know what it is but for some reason whenever I see Paris Hilton I just think I could fuck her harder than she has been fucked (by the 100's) before.

She cops a lot of shit for being a spoilt little rich girl but given half a chance I don't know many guys who would knock her back if the oppurtunity was ever to present itself... me included! -Orsm

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Alex wrote:
Subject: Poo
G'day Orsm, Splendid site you've got going here. After many years of taking from the splendor of the site, it is time to give back a little. This is the t-shirt you inspired me to create. As a positive spin-off, it won me a crude t-shirt making competition at work. Keep up the poo pictures, I really enjoy them.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cyber feaky!
Dear Mr. Orsm, I Received this disgusting picture while chatting on ICQ with a man who told me he was a handsome, sexy women's doctor. His name is Carolus Schalbroeck and he is from Holland. Please place this picture on your site so all women are warned for the man with the shaved balls and the small dick and his wife with her tits hanging on her knees!

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Quasi wrote:
Subject: FW: Suicide Bombers at the end of their shift: CAREFUL, not for the squeemish
G'day Orsm, Might be okay for your site...maybe not (probably more for Rotten.com than anyone else). Use them if you can.

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Yok P LAI wrote:
Subject: heartless employer tortured maid
This is the current maid abuse case in Malaysia. The housewife is held without bail. She use the hot iron to press against her breast coz she was working 'too slow'. One of ther nipple fell off. "The dangerous weapons used in the case include an iron, the hot water that scalded the maid's thigh and a metal mug which was used to break her nose." Let's hope this monster housewife is put away for 20years (max sentence).

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Craven wrote:
Subject: can smash with attachment
Started avidly reading your site about a week ago. Its sweet. Thought you might like this video of me and a buddy smashing cans. And yes we were extremely drunk. Thats me doing it twice. Keep up the good work i hope this gets posted.

click to download


Adam Gutman wrote:
Subject: hillarious vid
Greetings from the USA - love your site. This is a video of a friend of mine. We were at this thing called Relay For Live, where you stay up all night walking miles to raise money for cancer. it was at our high school and everyone brought tents to sleep in. At about 5:30 in the morning, delerious without sleep, my friend thought he could jump over this little tent. Watch what happens.

click to download

Rowan wrote:
Subject: New Subaru
Hi Mr ORSM, Great site! Here is a pic of the new Subaru, got a great tail peace don't you agree? All of the best.

Nice asses! -Orsm

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AND THE CREATIVE JUICES DID FLOW
Some people definitely have far too much time on their hands...

Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun - Fruit Fun

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and 'ABRACADABRA!' two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and 'ABRACADABRA!'... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards but Fairies are females.

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LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

ORSM VIDEO

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story, too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

RANDOM SHITE

There's definitely a good mix of pics in the bunch this week. I've covered everything from Britney to the some totally weird fetish stuff. Hopefully this'll keep you guy's happy until next week!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about what place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mummy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mummy?" She continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this fucking family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so damn grouchy!"

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Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in, wakes Mary up and says, "How was your date last night?"

"It was all right, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, "Your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."

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Before I get out of here this week I just want to thank the nameless champion out there who got me Open Your Eyes & the animated series of Clerks from my Amazon wish list! I'm half way through Open Your Eyes and hopefully will get a chance to watch the rest of it and start on Clerks this weekend!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist and make a brother happy would you!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.07.22-22.36
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Hello boys and girls, members of the congregation, representatives of the sub-committee and of course significant udders. Welcome to Orsmnet. Here we strive to better ourselves each week by purveying some of the finest porn, humour, video and random shite known to man. That may sound intriguing if you're new in these parts but don't be fooled - I'm very good at overselling myself!

As promised, my blog this week is a continuation of the questions fired at me by fellow Aussie, Ray. There's a good chance that I bored you guys shitless last week and an even bigger one that I'll do the same again this week. I guess if this annoys you, you can click that little X at the top right of your screens! Anyway here we go...

WHAT OTHER INTERESTS DO YOU HAVE BESIDES ORSM.NET, INTERNET AND COMPUTERS?
Cars is a big one. I don't have as much time these days to pull shit apart and play with things but it doesn't stop me from day dreaming. Eventually I'll find the time to buy an old wreck and build it into something special but that's definitely down the track. Next on the list is my dog - I'm pretty devoted to her and she takes up a lot of my spare time. There's a few more on this list but I won't bore you all.

[FOR THE THOUSANDS OF HEARTBROKEN LADIES] DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE? ARE YOU AVAILABLE?
Single. No special someone. Nobody loves me. Poor me huh?

IN HINDSIGHT, COULD YOU EVER IMAGINE ORSM.NET BECOMING WHAT IT HAS FROM ITS HUMBLE HTTP://I.AM/ORSM BEGINNINGS?
That's one of those things you kind of always hope will happen but don't really expect to. There's been plenty of up's and downs over the last few years but I'm happy with where it's taken me thus far.

Funnily enough before I even owned a computer I remember my sister going to see a clairvoyant. On her return home she filled us in on a few of the things she'd been told, one of which was to do with me being 'successful with computers'. I laughed it off because I only had a limited interest in computers at the time. I still wouldn't say I am successful but who knows what's ahead.

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IF YOU COULD CREATE THE PERFECT OMLETTE, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE IT?!
If there's one thing I love doing it's cooking but even with all my culinary prowess I've never attempted an omelette and couldn't even tell you the last time I ate one. I think what I'm trying to say here is: eggs.

WHAT ARE YOUR OWN PERSONAL GOALS FOR 2004/2005?
At the top of the list is to buy a house [no matter how much of a head fuck it is]. Develop my own little business into something bigger and diversify [although I haven't actually figured out how to do that yet]. Beyond that is to become mind numbingly, disgustingly rich and then take over the world. There are a few others but you guys don't need to know them!

DO YOU HAVE A FAN BASE? DO YOU RECIEVE LOTS OF FAN MAIL? HAVE YOU EVER RECIEVED HATE MAIL?
Yeah the site definitely has a fan base. The bulk of fan mail [if you wanna call it that] is people saying how much they love the site which is always good to hear. I love feedback!

I'm sure I have received the occasional bit of hate mail but I don't really tend to remember it - it's vastly outweighed by the good stuff. At most its legal threats telling me to remove a picture or something.

IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?
Got online sooner. I dare say life and the site would be a lot different now if it went live 5 years earlier than it did. As it turned out all the shit I did between leaving school and getting online was pretty much just a waste of time.

IF YOU WERE PUT IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE IN 2004, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE TO SET YOURSELF APART? WOULD YOU HAVE DROPPED ANY HINTS OR ADMITTED YOU WERE MR ORSM?
I don't know that any one would care. It'd be like "Mr who?". One thing running this site has given me is an arsenal of funny, fucked up and out there ideas to draw from which I could spend months talking about if I tried. I could dazzle the other housemates and viewing public alike as I happily carry on conversations about girls who can take 4 fists and guys who can give themselves a blow job. I'd win the hearts of all...!!

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVOURITE WEBSITES?
NewbieNudes.com, HomestarRunner.com, Fark.com, News.com.au plus a couple of others which I won't mention because surfers aren't welcome at them!

FINALLY, IF YOU DIED TOMORROW, WHAT LEGACY (BESIDES ORSM.NET) HAVE YOU LEFT BEHIND?
That's a pretty hard one to answer. Who knows? And even if I did have an answer how would I reply with out sounding like I was full of myself?
--

With a bit of luck I will return to doing normal updates next week. I hope you guys didnt think that posting an interview of myself was too wanky by the way but I promise I'll try and get over it if you did!

MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site, you download to your hearts content! They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Interesting Facts - Overcoming Masturbation - Princess [Episode 1] - Princess [Episode 2] - Peasants Quest

New Thongs - Ill Mitch - KITT: For Sale! - Diego Time - Jib Jab - Electro Chemistry - Anti Auto-Theft Devices

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
--
Q: How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice during sex?
A: Fuck her in the ass; then, wipe your cock on the pillow case!
--
One blonde asks another "Which is further, London or the Moon?" The other replies "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

click here for more

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

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MASTER OF HER DOMAIN

Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley

Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley - Harley

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, "How many have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-six," she replied. "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person your age cannot have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle. "It's easy" she said, "I just outlived those bitches."

ORSM VIDEO

Must have seen a million movies or clips or whatever over the years where someone is dropping something that probably shouldn't be dropped out the back of a plane. I never really gave it much thought that there's quite likely a very exact science behind it... the do's and dont's. This video demostrates some of the dont's...

- Air Drop Misshaps -

click here for more

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

click here for more

RECALESCENT

Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki

Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki - Mikki

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome Prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of Tall tales begins.

The guy from Texas says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the Corral. It had gored six men before i wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."

The cowboy from Oklahoma remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pecker.

click here for more

A mother and her young son were flying West Jet Airlines from Calgary to Vancouver. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because West Jet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you..."

click here for more

READER MAIL
I'm trying to think of a way to cope with all the mail thats come my way lately. What I receive well and truly outweighs what I can actually post on the site. There's not much point posting something I was emailed 6 months ago either [although it does happen] so what to do? I think I've floated the idea before of moving all the stuff you guy's send me to a separate website but I particuarly like having stuff on this page. I guess I can just leave things how thay are and keep complaining about it. ANyway if you've got something to say then email me here.

Chef wrote:
Subject: more hollywood stories
you may or may not remember me i sent you a e mail about me cooking for and meeting mariah carey - well i have a new friend - if you are familiar with the movie sword fish? the scene where the guy is on the computer trying to break the code while he is getting a blowjob and has a gun to his head - well my new friend is the one who is giving the blow job her name in the film is " helga " she is my bosses daughter i will see her in a few weeks i may have pics

a partial list of those i have fed - in beverly hills and here in arizona: sean p diddy combs, jennifer lopez, mariah, bobby and whitney houston, madonna, chris tucker, geraldo rivera, stockard channing ( rizzo in grease), dr dre and shaquille o neil.

the list goes on stories are good. like the time bobby brown called me in the kitchen high as fuck asking me to cook him some chicken - he even had is own recipe. also same night whitney calling room service - front desk - looking for baking soda at 3 am in the morning she was saying that she forgot to pack toothpaste

Love to here any similar celebrity encounters if you guys have got em? Email me. -Orsm

js wrote:
Subject: yo
sorry mate forgot that bit about staying off the chems.... Can you please for mainly mine but also your sanity not reply or post the people that use text shortages like:

HI MR ORSM WATS UP? i have been amazed by ur site for about a year and a half now after my good freind told me about it, but recently i have been getting a bit down about the lack of free porn on the net these days so i said to this same freind (that told me about ur site) and he recomended me 2 send u an e mail askin for sum free porn etc. so i guess thats wat im doing in a way but if you havnt got enough time wich u probably dont then it doesnt matter. just wanted to send an e mail any way. (by the way, i prefer lesbians) :) any way keep up the good shit man! LATERS. my e mail address is tubbs6@hotmail.com. thanks dude.

I think it's mainly because I missed the run or maybe I'm just an old Kalgoorlie fucknoogle. But fuck I used to go to the HippE club every Sat and Sunday from the early 90's so maybe I have a little bit of the OCS. Or it could be the white shoe brigade is too strong for the Old School Cool.

'Fucknoogle' is my new word for the day! By the way Jez I'll hit you up on MSN soon! -Orsm

Adam wrote:
Subject: sexy losers
Just want to mention that this comic you posted is from a webcomic called sexy losers.. www.sexylosers.com. Well worth a look. Keep up the good work :)

esears wrote:
Subject: Funny pictures
Two pictures of a guy who accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake and went over some guy's car. Also three pictures of a big snow storm we had in Nova Scotia a few months ago. Apparently the snow plw gave up halfway down the street.

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Blighty wrote:
Subject: One Awesome Site mate!!
Keep up the good work mate, class effort!! Can you try and get some info and pictures on those stories from Ayia Napa about the sex cruises please mate? Sounds hilarious. Us Brits know how to party, its all about keeping the stiff upper lip and keeping our end up!! However only the scum of British go to Ayia Slapper anyway!! Pikeys from Blackpool and Glasgow, the shit of society. Although, I would love to see the video and/or the photos if you can track them down.

mario f wrote:
Subject: Beck's penalities
yo Mr orsm... jst gotta say i love your site and think its tip top.... im an aussie dude jst like you and enjoy bagging english people just has much as the next aussie. So heres the final destination of David Beckhams missed penality against Portugal in there Quarter Final defeat. keep up the good work and plz dont post da my email address.... Go PORTUGAl;)

click to enlarge

Jay wrote:
Subject: put this 2 ur nxt update-cute chick
Hai ORSM, This is Jay from Ceylon, we love you site man.The frequent updates is a thumbs up!!! venthough the content is little its better a update.love it!! Here are some pics I got from a friend - Some Sexy local chicks. Save my ass though.Keep up the good work bro!

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kill sadie wrote:
Subject: COINCIDENCE
i just found this interesting. a girl in your random shite section in your last update. well after my daily downloadings of pictures of porn i usually delete them all to keep my computer clean. well i decided to keep this one that i attached, and its the same girl as the one in your random shite section. i just was wondering if you know who she is or where i can get more.

Anyone know? Had quite a few people ask me. Email me here if you do. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: Dumb Bitch Picks
i just wanted to share these pics of a girl i trick into giving when i showed her a pic of me!!! My Pic is enclosed Too!!!!!

Dude you are so full of shit! -Orsm

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kurt taylor wrote:
Subject: shitty way to die
saw this when i went to the recycling bin this morning. what a crap way to die. musta suffocated or something.

Poor little bastard. -Orsm

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Sean wrote:
Subject: Formula One in London
Hi Orsm, I sure you heard you about the F1 cars in London this week. I have some fantastic pictures and Videos I would like to send to you. I would like to send them to you so that you can put them up on your site (and resize if you need to)….the sounds of the cars are fantastic and the picture quality is also good. If you can handle large files let me know and I will send a couple for your opinion.

click to download

Cheaky Chef wrote:
Subject: funny vid
great site - beena fan for years just thought id send this my mate got a webcam for xmas and this is how he lets me know!! keep up the good work

Very funny. -Orsm

click to download

Lauren wrote:
Subject: having a fat day
One for the ladies... it's not that bad really but it proves that woman in mags really aren't perfect! Amber (from Footballers Wives) annoyed a magazine artworker so he sent out the original artwork from a recent photo shoot as well as the touch-up. Something for you lads to think about when comparing your girl to those in the mags!

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex-girlfriends pics
here ya go, and i dont want my information posted.... thanks
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: way cool rims + moron driver
aight! i haven't seen this clip in your site and so i thought what the hell i'll send it to ya.. the busa's got rimmaxwheels rims.. i haven't visited their site for a long time but as i recall these are their most expensive wheels. the list price is about 6,200usd, so in comparison to the hayabusa's msrp it all goes up to about 2/3rds of the bikes price ;) all in all, the guy driving the bike is a total douchebag, he doesn't seem be a very good handler.. it's a shame the clip has no sound, i would've loved to hear the clutch slide while he tries the burnouts =)

click to download

WORTH A SURF
At one point or another the guys that run these totally kick ass sites droped me an email requesting a ink. Fair enough I say... they're all fuckin good sites so go check em out! Anyone else wanting a link should check out this page.

Chaser Mag - ASS - Babe Dump - Intravenous Caffeine Experience - Changing Links

click here for more

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. One further question... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Dang, I thought you said goats."

click here for more

During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle. After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of shit it can't fly.

click here for more

Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Most sincerely, A Satisfied Customer.

ORSM VIDEO

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

RANDOM SHITE

Compiling the RS for you guys this week was harder than usual - there's a tonne of decent pics in my 'to use' folder and reducing that down to just 25 took a bit of doing. So anyway, I'll shut the fuck up and let you get clicking and check this shite out...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answers after each toss.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

click here for more

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me; they are for him. He's my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

click here for more

Well folks that's me for another week and I can assure you all that I am stuffed. This update just took a shit load of work to bring it all together for some reason. There's a chance I will skip an update next week so I can catch up on some stuff but you never know your luck in the big city so manke sure you have your asses back here by next Thursday to check either way!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.07.15-23.59
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Here we are, here we are, here we are. Could have sworn I only finished the last update just yesterday but as you may have noticed me mentioning earlier - here we are... again. Now that I update this bitch weekly it feels like my life has moved to a two day revolving cycle - update day and the day after update day. Sucks to be me huh?

I've spent most of the last few days procrastinating over what I could blog about this week and as it turned out I completely drew a blank. I used to think it was hard coming up with something to keep you guy's interested once every two weeks so as you can imagine shortening that time frame to one week makes things just that much harder.

As it came towards crunch time [also known as 'oh fuck its 8pm and I still haven't got anything' time] I put the call out across MSN to a couple of a couple of the lads asking [read: pleading] for inspiration. Along comes Ray - mate and long time supporter of the site. Despite the first couple of suggestions which included things like Medicare and how good Ray is he came up with the idea "why don't I ask you a couple of questions and you can use that?". Sounded like a good idea to me so here goes...

WHY DID YOU BEGIN YOUR SITE? WAS IT SELF PLEASURE? GLORY? WHAT DROVE YOU TO KEEP POSTING YEAR AFTER YEAR?
When I initially started the site it was never intended to end up like it has. I was new to the whole computer thing and learning how to build a site was one of those things I stumbled on to during one of my many hours camped out in cyberspace. The thing that keeps me posting week in, week out is not so much the hit counter but the fact I can see people are coming to the site and enjoying it. It's rewarding.

ARE THERE ANY REGRETS? DO YOU EVER WONDER WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD YOU HAVE NOT BEGUN IT?
No regrets. I dropped out of TAFE [college] where I was studying network engineering about two years ago to follow through with the site. I guess if I had of continued with the degree thing I'd be someone's bitch answering support phone calls for newbie's.

click here for more

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SITE? WITHOUT KNOWING YOU WERE MR ORSM?
A couple of times. It's a bit of a kick. I remember being in the school library and watching some girls a couple of seats over going through the Priceless pics one time.

THE SITE HAS UNDERGONE SOME CHANGES OVER THE YEARS, FROM STYLE TO CONTENT... WHAT FUTURE PLANS DO YOU HAVE INSTORE?
I wouldn't mind having the site more automated which would take away some of the mundane and time consuming tasks I have to suffer through regularly. Ideally I would love to come to a point where the site updates daily or several times a day. It's probably an ambitious plan and it'll most likely need more than just me running it by that stage but I don't think any one would mind constant updates.

DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE CHANGED BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESENCE ON THE INTERNET? IF YOU HAVE, WHY? COULD YOU IMAGINE OTHERS CHANGING WITH SUCH ONLINE POPULARITY?
I wouldn't say I have changed too much because of it but you'd probably have to ask my friends that one. I'd say I'm a bit more withdrawn than I used to be - I don't like being recognised in that regard. For instance most of the time when someone asks what I do my answer is usually something about web hosting and design.

I could definitely see guys getting sucked in to how popular their sites are. I get some awesome email from people which can go a long way to stroking my ego but at the end of the day I don't buy in to having any sort of celebrity status. I'm just a faceless guy sitting at the end of a modem.

DO YOU FORSEE AN END TO ORSM.NET? OR YOUR USAGE OF THE INTERNET? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD ONE DAY?
This is the question that plagues me more than most. At this point I still love working on the site and can't see myself shutting it down any time soon. If that time does ever come though I dare say Orsmnet will go up for sale for the next boy or girl to have some fun with.
---

Hopefully the above hasn't made me come off as some sort of full-of-himself retard but we'll see. There's actually a few more remaining so if I am stuck again next week guess what you guy’s will be reading!?

Have you guys checked out NewbieNudes.com? There are some crazy hot chicks on there just posting hard core pics & vids of themselves each and every day. A lot of the time they take requests in the live chat too. NN has over 50,000 totally free pics with over 300 new[bie!] ones added each day - check it out!

At TangoTime.com you can view and rate 60,000+ totally NUDE pics of BODY PARTS - submitted by real people just like you and updated daily! Rate pics in your favourite categories - boobs, butts, pussies, asses, legs or whatever! There's EVERYTHING! Or you can submit pics to get YOUR body parts rated. TangoTime.com is the net's largest pic rating site of its kind and its all 100% FREE!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Fahrenheit 911 Facts - The Bulge - Fung Shui - Paint Ball Landmine - Don't Spit, Swallow - Infommercial

Appetite 4 Destruction - Butt Plugs? - 9 Secondi - Your Own Pirate Radio Station With An iPod - Peach

This week I proudly present Tara Reid wearing one of the most extremely rack-tastic tops I have ever seen. Tara, we thank you...

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A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbours at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well" commented one of the mourners"sounds like she got where she was going."
--
A man and his wife return to the UK from a holiday in the USA. They are trying to smuggle snake and a skunk through Customs into the UK and avoid quarantine. "How are we going to get these through customs?" Asks the wife. He says"I'll wear the snake like a belt and you can put the skunk down your knickers." She says"What about the smell?" He says "If it dies, it dies."
--
Did you hear that Victoria Beckham has won England's gang banging competition? Yeah... in 120 minutes her shaved cunt has fucked the whole country.

click here for more

Little Tommy was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room & started studying. Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly layed it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well then" she replied"was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

click here for more

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?" The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling" said the bartender.

click here for more

JAIL BAIT TEEN

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted $10 and asked"If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive. "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you nuts!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red-light district instead of food?" the man asked. "No, I gave up sex long ago" confessed the homeless man.

"Well" said the man"I'm giving you the money, and I'm going to take you home for a delicious dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was surprised and delighted. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied"That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

ORSM VIDEO

After whatching this you may be left wondering if this dude is serious or not. For most people the decision could go either way but to the many Aussies out there who watch The Panel or can think back to the days of The Late Show [on channel 2] you will recognise Zlad as Santo Cilauro. I highly recommend checking out the feature page on Zlad and Molvania.com for more also.

Zlad - Electronic Supersonic

click here for more

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours - all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well God, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

click here for more

CAMERON DIAZ

I had fully intended to post a copy of the Cameron Diaz sex tape this week but to be honest it is completely and utterly shit... if you are looking for something to have a spank over her with then that certainly isn't going to help. You can read more about it here. Anyway, to solve this I thought it would be all nice and whatever if i just posted some pics of Cameron...

Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam

Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam - Cam

An old couple who had been married forever are sitting on the porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks"What was that for?" She says"For having a small penis."

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and says"What was that for?" He says"For knowing there was more than one size."

click here for more

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular"Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought"if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoot that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water, The fish swallows the fly, The bear grabs the fish, The hunter shoots the bear, The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, The cat jumps for the mouse, The mouse ducks, and the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger...!!

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READER MAIL
I considered scrapping the whole update this week and just posting mail. Would have been a good way of clearing the back log plus some of the stuff that has come my way has just rocked. If you have something to say or just wanna send a picture my way then you may do so by clicking here.

Keith wrote:
Subject: Who,what
She's as fit as fuck, but who is she ? and what's the scandal ? Takes a long time for news to reach dear old blighty !!!!! Keep up the good work, like the weekly updates.

Check out this link or this link.. -Orsm

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Velvet presley wrote:
Subject: Response to H - re - English football ( orsmupdate 2004.07.08-22.46 )
For Gods sake. H obviously doesn't read or look at any of the news media in the UK. Now, I don't profess to know anything about Football, but I do read the papers, and this fine internet of ours.

After the penalty shootout (which, despite my better judgement, I watched), fans were invited to visit the ref's website and spout off. He received death threats. I'd say that is taking sport FAR too seriously. The reaction of the England fans was absolutely ridiculous. People cried openly in the streets, people are still wingeing about it, and it was about three frigging weeks ago now!!

I'd say you Australians are a lot more reserved about it all. As for the second paragraph, - 'A few scuffles'? WTF? I live in a town called Burnley, in the North West of the UK. And Burnley fans are pretty passionate as the team have been up and down more than Pam Anderson's bra size. Burnley's main rivals are a club called Blackburn Rovers. Burnley have played Blackburn only twice (if memory serves), and the time before last (going back 5 or 6 years), Burnley were at Ewood Park, Blackburn's home ground. Our fans ripped the roof off, literally. And there were shops destroyed, and much violence.

When I was married, I couldn't get married in Blackburn (where my family hail from) as my wife's family refused to enter the town, as they are all Burnley fans!!! So, in essense, what I am trying to say is - ENGLISH FOOTBALL FANS - IT'S A FUCKING GAME! And, if I'm honest, it's a shit one too. I hate football, H is completley oblivious to how we brits take our football, and England is a shit country to come from anyway.Cheers Orsm - Fucking love the site.

Broe Coppin wrote:
Subject: Bobby Robson
What do you do if you see Bobby Robson running down the road with only half a head? Stop laughing and reload.

Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: tennis anyone?
Rusky hottie that won Wimbledon the other week, Maria Sharapova. I've got something else that would look better in her mouth...

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Mark wrote:
Subject: fake pic on a recent post
www.orsm.net/php/showme.php?file=/images/tastybrun01.jpg that, and the other 2 in the series are fake the post has some chick saying its the girl her bf is sleeping with and she found them on his cam well thats bs, ive seen that same girl years ago, i may have a few of her somewhere even.. and they arent the ones that were posted either

David wrote:
Subject: Winternationals
G'day I've been visiting your site for years now and have never sent you anything until now . I feel that this picture should be worthy of your site, it was taken last weekend at the Dragracing Winternationals at Willowbank, the girl in the pic was working in a stall selling magazines.She looks gorgeous and was happy to pose for a photo. Keep up the good work.

WOW! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-Wife Pics - Please Do Not Name Me!
Long story short, I met this really nice chick who turned out to be fucking trash! She basically lied to me the whole relationship, exhausted all of my funds before I knew what happened and ruined my credit! The real tragedy of the whole thing is she has 3 beautiful little girls who are probably going to end up just like her or worse! Her name is Heather McCurry and she is a stripper now at The Candy Store in North Phoenix, Arizona and dances by the name of "Storm!" I just wanted the rest of her "Johns" that she dances for to know she is Fucking Pig and not the "Nice" girl she passes herself off to be! Here are some pics of her including a shot of the tits I paid for!

Fuck You Heather McCurry and I Hope You Burn in Hell for What You Did to Me You Selfish Bitch!

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Wheatsack wrote:
Subject: T-Shirt
A T-Shirt that took my fancy the other night....... the guy didn't seem all that keen on the photo.. perhaps 'one should'nt......' Plus a subtle/sinister sign.

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Thomas Mischke wrote:
Subject: Some Random Shite
Hi there, just wanted to send you a pic I made two weeks ago on the Autobahn.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great pics!
Hey ORSM! Your site ROCKS! I Love it! Keep up the great work. It keeps me sane after a long day. Here's some pics. to post. A great night after partying too much.

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Shibath wrote:
Subject: number plate
A number plate i saw in a carpark in Hamilton, NZ. Love the site keep up the great work.

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Tubbscfc wrote:
Subject: plz man i need porn!
HI MR ORSM WATS UP? i have been amazed by ur site for about a year and a half now after my good freind told me about it, but recently i have been getting a bit down about the lack of free porn on the net these days so i said to this same freind (that told me about ur site) and he recomended me 2 send u an e mail askin for sum free porn etc. so i guess thats wat im doing in a way but if you havnt got enough time wich u probably dont then it doesnt matter. just wanted to send an e mail any way. (by the way, i prefer lesbians) :) any way keep up the good shit man! LATERS. my e mail address is tubbs6@hotmail.com. thanks dude.

R i g h t . . . -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: bank acc's are being compromised in aus to
about a year or two ago, my father was taking my brother to sydney. he stopped for fuel at a servo and payed with his credit card (obviously no pin req). the dodgy bastard behind the counter swiped the card "oh sorry sir, this machine doesnt seem to be working, ill use a different one". a week later the bank phones us because his card has been used all over sydney with a $2000+ charge. they briefly explained how the crims do it. the 2nd machine copies all the data on the magnetic strip. then they simply copy the data onto a new card and sign it themselves for signiture match. then they simply head down to the local shopping centre and have a bit of a shopping splurge, all at someone elses expense (fortunately his acc was insured by the bank so in this case it was the banks expense). a few weeks later i saw an article in one of the sydney papers about a bust on several service stations and other crappy stores for credit card fraud. suckers.

V wrote:
Subject: Greek Car?
Hi. Hope all's going will with you, the dog and the sciatica. In the event taht you post these pics on your site, could I ask you to blank out the number plate.
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Babis wrote:
Subject: Great site MAN!!!
I just want to say a big thanx for your work in the site. I am logging in every week to check for the next update, years now. From 2001 I think... Thanx again and keep it for ever. Orsm rulez, Babis from Greece...
PS1 We are the champions my frieeend!
PS2 Where is Aria? Is she a good housewife or something?
PS3 Take some Euro2004 Photos from the "fans"

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WORTH A SURF
Want your site linked? I'm finally starting to clear the list of sites that have previously requested a plug so if you wish to be linked then drop past the rules page and see if you've got what it takes!

Adult Site Surfer - Cubik Babes - Gen0cide - Newbie Nudes - Revenge TV - Tango Time

click here for more

TASTY TARA

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

It's 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons "screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.

Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.

As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you" she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You're not taking it anywhere."

"Fine" she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking the many where." "Fine" she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She whips out her tampon and says "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

RANDOM SHITE

Random definitely describes what I've served up this week and when you consider that that's the name of the game you'd probably be right if you said I was doing my job... wouldn't you...?

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Three Frenchmen are discussing the true meaning of "savoir faire". Pierre says: when you come home early from work and you walk into your bedroom and find your best friend making love to your wife, you say "Pardon me for intruding" and leave them to themselves - that's savoir faire.

Michel says: no, you're wrong my friend. When you come home early from work and you walk into your bedroom and find your best friend making love to your wife, you say "Pardon me for intruding, please carry on" - that's savoir faire.

Jaques says: no, you're both wrong. When you come home early from work and you walk into your bedroom and find your best friend making love to your wife, you say "Pardon me for intruding, please carry on" AND HE CAN! That's savoir faire!

ORSM VIDEO

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop" said the boy. "Yes" replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow." There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said"Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pappy! He fucked the brown cow again!"

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As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe... "I'm an ex-tractor fan..."

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First thing I need to tell you is that My Free Pay Site is ABSOLUTELY FREE! You go there, you give them any email address you like and you get FREE PORN. It's that bloody simple! Don't believe me? Click this link and check it out!

Well thats it from me for another week. I hope you all enjoyed this update - it's definitely one of the bigger of my new small updates! On that note I'm out of here. Make sure you check back in next week for a better update than this one [if there is such a thing!]. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.07.08-22.46
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Welcome one, welcome all. If you're new to Orsmnet you are about to find out why some really popular and well respected teen magazine thingy described my site as "lol !! ~~**omg**~~ !1! orsm its so00oo kewliez rofl k thx bai :-) <hugz>”.

The beginning of a new financial year is here and that means one nasty thing - tax time. This is one time of the year I don't look forward to. As a matter of fact I only managed to get last years tax return stuff sorted a little over a month ago. I'm likely to get into trouble from certain people for saying this but doing anything even remotely related to tax is something I will go to great lengths to avoid.

It's bad enough having to sit down every 3 months and work out my business activity statement. That shit well and truly fries my brain. It usually starts on a Saturday afternoon with a pile of papers and a blank Excel spreadsheet. If I'm lucky, sometime two to three days later everything is finally starting to make sense at which point I email it to my accountant and wait for a reply telling me what doesn't make sense and needs to be fixed. The whole process is quite traumatic.

My actual tax return stuff is an entirely different proposition. Sorting through every transaction across 2 normal accounts and another two credit cards starts to get a tad mundane after a few hours. Not to forget of course shit like 'did I receive any dividends from shares?' or 'how much interest did I earn from managed funds?'. Fucked if I know! Why cant there just be money in an account that I can spend?

The thing is numbers aren't my thing. Maths was never a subject I excelled in. All through school I elected to take the easiest maths classes and if I recall correctly most of the stuff we did in 'spastic' maths was more than sufficient to get me through five years of cabinet making. It's also been more than adequate in my tenure as a web geek however to this day I still don't understand why you can't add apples and oranges... anyone?

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In retrospect it would have been a smarter move to have done a few business related subjects at school. Funnily enough it was the shit I least wanted to do... along with maths and computers that is! Maybe if my economics teacher [Mr Zani - the man who went back to teaching after his lawn mowing business failed] hadn't stifled my will to learn I'd have a better understanding of how the tax system works and not feel so overwhelmed every time I have to start crunching numbers. Who knows?

I know that a few of you will email me and suggest I pick up MYOB or Quicken. I bought the latter last week so fingers crossed it makes life easier from now on... I just have to figure out how to use it first.

My only other tragedy of late is to do with my mobile phone. Up until yesterday I was using a Nokia 8310 and had been for the last two and a bit years. I've strongly resisted the urge to change up to one of the latest models - the colour screens and all the other crap just didn't really interest me. I was more than happy with the old style LCD screen and who really needs the annoying polyphonic ring tones anyway right? As long as it rings and can send the occasional SMS I am happy.

Unfortunately I have inadvertently removed choice from my decision. I managed to spill a couple of drops of water on it yesterday and that pretty much sealed its fate. Shame... was one of the better phones I have owned.

Funny how I have changed over the years though. I used to love my phones so much at one point I was close to having my mobile surgically attached to my hand. There was never a question of whether or not to take it no matter where I was going. It was a competition to have the latest mobile with the best cover that no one else had and as far as I remember I was the first out of all my friends to even have one - that was about 12 years ago. I have had so many of the damn things I've lost count. Nowadays I'm just happy if it doesn't ring!

Speaking of mobiles, my old friends over at NewbieNudes.com allow you to upload and view pics from the new fangled picture phones that I see no reason for. Well I guess now those guys have provided a reason! In any case they have heaps of uploaded nude pics of normal people just like you and me, with searchable user profiles and chat ta boot - check it out @ NewbieNudes.com.

First thing I need to tell you is that My Free Pay Site is ABSOLUTELY FREE! You go there, you give them any email address you like and you get FREE PORN. It’s that bloody simple! Don’t believe me? Click this link and check it out!

At TangoTime.com you can view and rate 60,000+ totally NUDE pics of BODY PARTS - submitted by real people just like you and updated daily! Rate pics in your favourite categories - boobs, butts, pussies, asses, legs or whatever! There’s EVERYTHING! Or you can submit pics to get YOUR body parts rated. TangoTime.com is the net's largest pic rating site of its kind and its all 100% FREE!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Skanky Ex - Senor Mortgage - Home Run - My G0t - Maria Sharapova - Space Ship One - Jaguar XK8 Owned

How To Eat Pussy - Learn Japanese - Jizz Mopper - Himalaya Yeti - Smart Klamp - Toe Nailed

Before I get on with the update I just wanted to give the Orsm Forums a plug. I keep hearing people say they never knew they existed but they well and truly do and you can find them right here! There's also an IRC channel which is well worth a look if that's your thing. Server is Austnet.org (au.austnet.org) and channel is #orsmforums.

Have had soooo many requests for these pics it's not even funny. Sydney chick who caused a bit of a scandal recently in all her glory...

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A woman comes back from a visit to the doctor and says to her husband. "The doctor says I've got the tits and arse of a 16 year old". Her husband replies "What did he say about your 40-year-old cunt?" The wife responds "Oh, he didn't mention you..."
--
A man and wife walk into a marriage counselors office to get help with their relationship. The counselor states that they should find some common ground and asks them to list the things they have in common. There is long silence. Then the man says "Well... neither one of us sucks dick..."
--
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

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One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!

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BLONDE ANGEL

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, then storms out of there.

The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse. She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he stiffed her on the tab and tip. So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his head buried between the prostitute's legs. "LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth full of em!" He slowly pulls his head out from between the girl's legs and says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a noodle in here I ain't payin' for this som' bitch neither!"

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A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!" The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." The game warden was curious now. "Ok. I've GOT to see this!" The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said, "Well?" "Well, What?" the guy responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted. "Call who back?" The guy asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" The guy asked.

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Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives nag them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask. The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said, "Cut that out!"

ORSM VIDEO

This clip is magnificent because it features one of the finest asses to grace Australian television for quite some time. Who am I talking about? Big Brother evictee Krystal. There's some thing you just don't forget and fact she was a stripper before going on BB means that she still know how to shake that sensational little ass of hers...

BB Krystal: Shake That Fine Booty!

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A man was walking home late at night when he saw a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she said. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he thought to himself "what the hell it's only twenty bucks”.

They were going at it hot and heavy when all of a sudden a light flashed on them. It was a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asked the officer. "I was making love to my wife," the man answered indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," said the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face".

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READER MAIL
Thanks to everyone who has been sending me email - I love it all and read every last one of them... unless it gets snagged by a filter in which case I have no idea what you have sent but you get that. Anyway, there's literally been a fuck load of email from you guy's this last week but due to the sheer volume of it all the some stuff that may be current this week will get pushed back to next week. If you want to send something my way or just got something to say you can contact me here.

Tim Baxter wrote:
Subject: Reply...to some points
I seem to have upset some people. Spine: fine poor people shouldn't reproduce. Let us allow anyone who is struggles to survive die and laugh at photos while it happens, whichever country it is in.

IJuicy1- Yes it's Mr ORSM's site - he has the right to publish what he chooses. Like you I have been here on and off for a while. I've been coming to ORSM for 3 1/2 years plus, back when it was way more basic than it is now. I saw something that offended me and I responded to it. I am allowed to do that. Mr ORSM didn't have to publish my rant but he did. Let's face it it is about clicks on his page and from there to his sponsors page, MONEY. It's a free flow of thought, a perfect example of the internet in action. I will look at what the hell I choose to and will express my opinions as I will. You can disagree but you cannot deny my right to express it.

There's been a number of ongoing replies from this so I have stuck them on another page which can be found by clicking here.

OAD wrote:
Subject: Fuck for Forest
Tommy Hol Ellingsen (28) and Leona Johansson (21) created a massive news storm this evening when having sex at the stage during a concert on the Quart-festival in Norway. The band 'Cumshots' was to perform their last song when the couple entered the stage, removed all clothes and proceeded with a lively "doggy-style" intercourse. The couple has previously been known to make porn-movies and performing public sex acts to raise money for the protection of remaining rain forests.

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H wrote:
Subject: football
Well done Orsm for the English football page of jokes. I would have pissed myself laughing had it not been completely shit. All I can say is you Australians take sport far more seriously than us, and when you loose you winge for fucking ages, and make much worse losers. Just look at the Rugby World Cup! John Howard acted as if Johnny had shat on his Mother's face when he dished out the medals.

As for English football fans being Heartless and Gutless- I don't agree. Ok we are at the centre of a few scuffles whilst backing the boys but we don't stab/murder our opponents fans like the Turks for example. With us its all good clean grief you must believe. Apart from that another top update- Well done lad.

Mike Perren wrote:
Subject: Sir Bobby is a saint!!
By all means feel free after recent performances to mock the English nation with regard to its footballing prowess, we English will merely take it on the chin and laugh at you a little louder when we win the World Cup in two years time.HOWEVER, don't think that any jokes involving shooting one Sir Bobby Robson will be taken with such good humour. The man is a legend and commands respect from all corners of the Earth (especially the North East corner of England). I am of course referring to your "English Soccer" link where it is proposed that one should shoot him twice. A man who hasn't even been involved with the England set up for well over a decade! I'm disappointed in you Mr. Orsm. As is the entire Geordie Nation. Good day sir.

P.S. Urs Meier's decision may have been right you know

Mike Perren wrote:
Subject: Bobby Robson (again)
I wrote to you recently about Bobby Robson registering mock outrage at a joke made at his expense.. I meant it all in good humour but in your reply you said you'd never heard of him, he's famous for spouting utter gibberish at times. Bobby Robson quotes:
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself, nobody will catch him"
"My father had 5 sons, I had 4 brothers"
"They're 2 points behind us, so we're neck and neck"
" I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final"
"Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that"
"I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about"
"Eighteen months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like"
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss"
"I'd say he's the best in Europe,if you put me on the fence"
"Tottenham have impressed me: they haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun"
"I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"
"Both teams - and Brazil even - got better on their way to the World Cup final"
"There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game that they lose"
"We don't want our players to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level."
"All right, Bellamy came on at Liverpool and did well, but everybody thinks that he's the saviour, he's Jesus Christ. He's not Jesus Christ"

Brendon R wrote:
Subject: Monstrosity Dumbass
Good evening there Mr. Orsm! just a quick note that A) i love this site, it's provided me with amazing entertainment for the last year or so.... and B) in your last update, "Monstrosity" sent in pictures of a "2004 Mustang Beast"... actually, he's a dumbass... that's the 2005 Mustang GT, new body style for 2005 fuckin hot as hell!

H Majd wrote:
Subject: drunk girl
dear orsm. that bitch was so drunk that she didn't realize that he pants were half the way down until she saw the flash of the camera.

Great ass! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Randy wrote:
Subject: Northern Ontario Canada - Moose
Orsm, This came to me in my mail box and I thought it would be a great addition to your website. Apparently, the car was traveling 90 KM an hour and the driver suffered only a broken arm and some bruises. BTW, great site... Take care.

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tatjin wrote:
Subject: Picture for the site?
Hi there, totally love your site....makes life worth living ;-) As you might know one of your country(wo)men was married to our crownprince a month ago. She is a real fox. Got this pic, that might be fun to put on your page. Is it a finger or a p....? ;-)

click to enlarge

Nurries wrote:
Subject: Nothing in particular
G'day bloke, Just thought I'd send this pick I took at Philip Island during a sprint round back in April. The number plate seemed appropriate. That's it keep fighting the good fight, whatever that means!

click to enlarge

Simon S wrote:
Subject: Hey, Check this awsome VW Passat out!
Hey Mr Orsm. Great site, awsome content, keep up the work man!! I've allways wanted to send you some cool pics and i think i may have just found some! Here are some pics i came across while browsing the wonderfull thing called the internet. I dont know if youve seen it before but i thought it lookes real cool!

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Doug Macenzie wrote:
Subject: How Canadian's celeberate the Playoff's
Managed to get a few shots of some real Canadian hockey fans! Enjoy! New rule: Flames score, girls flash their t*ts
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Luke wrote:
Subject: Mario What?
Whats up Orsm? That guy in the "Mario What?" video is Keiichi. He plays in a band called 8ball here on Okinawa, Japan. He is a damn fuckin good guitarist. Here is a picture of the band. He is the shady dude on the right. Keep up the pimpin site Orsm. Later

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Weed + Gun = Bad
Mr. Orsm - Shout from The States. So this is what happens when suburban fucks get high and play with guns. His friends convinced him to put a loaded gun into his mouth to take a pic. Welcome to Virginia! My friend Junks [yes, his God Given name is JUNKS] is a fool. Keep up the good work.

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Trent Collins wrote:
Subject: A picture for your site
Hey Dude, Was down at woollongong NSW on the weekend and saw these vans. Sorry for the photo quality but my camera isnt the best. One number plate is "DUUUDE" and the other is "SSWEET". Easily the best set of number plates Ive seen.

click to enlarge
Mick Draper wrote:
Subject: accident
accident on Sydney Harbour Bridge Friday 14th may. pretty nasty.
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Adina wrote:
Subject: clay
Hey, I think it’s a good idea to start making more updates even if they are less. Just keep the quality up and nobody will mind. Anyway, I guess all the clay aiken fans are trying to suppress this picture or something. Damned if I couldn’t find it on google. What a wholesome guy eh? Post this picture just to piss the shit outa all the clay crazed idiots out their like my ex.

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo Xmas Beachcomber
Mate you probably dont get many e-mails from fiji,so here the first of many,please dont publish my name as the dude in the photo is alot bigger then me! thanks and keep up the outstanding effort
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WORTH A SURF

The Alternative - Drunk TV - Shoosh Time - American Evil - Team Whitey - Burning Camel

click here for more

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first 'ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind." She said, "Ok." "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called... The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred..."

ORSM VIDEO

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush!!"

click here for more

A young guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time... she sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a piece of corn. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Again a few minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth... still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "no, but the last guy was!"

click here for more

A bartender is working his regular Friday night shift when a man whom he has never seen before enters the bar. The man is holding an apple in his hand. The man says to the bartender, "After years of experimentation, I have finally accomplished my biggest goal. Taste this apple. It tastes like a banana."

The bartender figures, what the hell? He takes a bite, and is absolutely amazed at the fact that this apple actually DOES taste like a banana. "Not bad," he says to the man, obviously impressed. "Turn it around," says the mysterious man. "The other side tastes like a peach. Sure enough, when the bartender bites the other side, it tastes like a peach.

"You know what would be great?" The bartender says. "You should invent an apple that tastes like a woman." The man ponders this, and seeming to like the idea, he runs out the door. A week later the man returns with a new apple to present to the bartender. "I did it! An apple that tastes like a woman! Try this!"

The bartender takes a bite of the new apple, and yells "This apple tastes like shit!" "Turn it around..." the man replies.

RANDOM SHITE

There's a few suprises in this weeks Shite offerings but what else would you guys expect right? We don't do things in halves around here so this lot will continue to purvey the high standards of Shite. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

One day this Amish girl and her mom were riding along in the buggy, and then the girl says, "Mom my hands are cold." And to this the mom replies "Well if you stick them between your legs they should get warm." Five minutes later the girls hands are warm. About an hour later the girl says "Mom my nose is cold." Then the mom says, "Well put it in between your legs and then it should be warm." And five minutes later her nose is warm.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend are riding along in the buggy and he says, "Man, my hands are cold." And to this the girl says "Well if you put them between my legs they should be warm." And five minutes later his hands are warm. About half-an-hour later the boyfriend says, "Man my penis is frozen solid!" Then to this the girl replies "Well if you put it in between my legs it should get warm too."

After the buggy ride is over the girl goes home and talks to her mother. Near the end of their conversation the girl says to her mother, "Mom, have you ever heard of this thing called a penis?" Then the Mom says, "Yes dear, why do you ask?". The girl then says, "Well mom aren't they a mess to clean up after they thaw out."

click here for more

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My… what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My… what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit!"

click here for more

And here we are at the end of another update. How's this weekly thing working out for you guy's anyway? Better? Worse? What weekly thing? Couldn't give a flying fuck?

Anyway that's all you guy's are getting out of me this week. Make sure you check back in next week for a better update than this one [if there is such a thing!] and all the other ones after it! Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.07.01-23.17
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Ah yes. Update day here we are again... update number four in as many weeks that is too! So far it would be safe to say that this hair-brain scheme of mine to do this weekly has essentially back fired. My work load has doubled but I am happy to say I remain far from disenchanted – it's somehow keeping my brain occupied and my interest level right up there. Weird how these things work sometimes...

After last weeks update in which I did some mild complaining about how the time I chose to sit lazily on the couch watching TV was somewhat wasted it seems that a higher power decided I should suffer it even more. Since late last week I have been forced to spend more time than usual lying down due to a nasty pain in the back... of the non-homosexual variety of course!

As best I can tell the pain is stemming from my Sciatic nerve which sort of starts above you butt cheek and travels down into your leg. It hurts to stand. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It hurts to lie down.

I've got a number of theories as to what I may have done to cause it and as you might expect my own special brand of nonchalant caution is to blame. I somehow figured out that in this seasonally cold weather we're being nailed with at the moment, if I do some stretches before going to bed I would get an extremely better nights sleep.

So it began. Last week before hitting the sack I'd go outside for a routine last cigarette of the day, put my legs up here and there, bend my arms, stretch my back and shoulders and happily awake each successive morning feeling way more relaxed and less sore than I usually do.

click here for more

I say usually do because I still cop the occasional back pain which is a result of a car accident I had around five years ago [I'm sure I've bored you guy's with this before]. Winter is always worse for me too - the cold weather and less physical activity generally exacerbate what it is that's wrong with my back and it pretty much licks balls.

Anyway back to my little story [because I know anyone reading this would be absolutely riveted!]. After finishing up working on the Thursday nite at around 3am I headed outside for a smoke and to do the aforementioned stretches. Everything was fine at the time except it would later become apparent that moving from a sitting position where I had been for the last several hours to a standing stretchy one in the extremely cold night would be my downfall.

The next day I noticed a slight discomfort in my lower left back. As the weekend progressed it developed into a nasty pain which in turn put my ass on the couch for the duration. Basically the weekend was pretty much just a write off.

Come Monday though it had eased off to a discomfort again. This was good news however it didn't last long and as I sit here and write this I am steadily approaching the pain levels from previous days.

I'm guessing sensible advice would be to go see a chiropractor or masseuse or whatever but after having seen these sorts of people countless times following my car accident and knowing how effective they are on me I am reluctant. I'd rather just sit it out until my back rights itself as usually is the case.

Apart from that, staying completely sedentary waiting for my back to get better gives me more time to spend on the net. I know I have said this before - and I will say it again - one of my favourites sites to spend time on is NewbieNudes.com. Great tits and ass from the girl next door with tonnes of pics and vids. This last week they have even launched a Gay version - NewBoyNudes... Hmmm well you KNOW I won't be visiting that one but if that's your thing then it'll be well worth your time!

Finding sites on the internet that are decent is hard. I mean we all know that the internet is full of plenty of zero content wannabe sites which is why it's always a bonus when you find something worth spending some time on. I'm talking about My Free Paysite. This site is truly a cut above the rest - tonnes of streaming vids, tonnes of pics and its all FREE! Check out MyFreePaySite.com now.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

English Soccer - Almost So Close [Truck Accident] - Mark Latham Sucks - So Not Right - $87 Billion - What's In A Name?

Jessica Simpson's Surgery - Vending Machine Heaven - Rampage Time - Mind Over Matter - Super Size Con

I think a lot of people find Christina Aguillera slutty which in some [read: most] instances would be a fair call. Most of the time I find her pretty damn hot and I think you could say these pics are one of those times...

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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

click here for more

SEXY LITTLE SOPHIE

Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie

Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie - Sophie

One day, an Englishman walked into an antiques shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat. The sculpture is so intriguing he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price. "Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100 pounds for the story that goes with it". "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the Englishman leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but tens of thousands, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the River Thames. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they all drown.

Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antiques shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper. "No," says the Englishman, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Asylum seeker."

click here for more

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Nicole Farhi suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Nokia cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized Epson inkjet printer and then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack all about my business..."

click here for more

There's a bloke with no arms and no legs lying on a beach crying hysterically. A decent blonde walks past and notices him. She walks up to him and asks why he is crying so hard. The bloke says "I'm 32 and I've never been hugged." She feels sorry for him so she gives him a big, warm hug. Then she begins to walk off.

As she walks away his hysterical crying starts again. She turns back and says, "You've just been hugged! Why are you still crying?" He says to her, "I'm 32 and I've never been kissed." She's a bit sceptical but decides to indulge the poor bugger and plants a big one on him. She then begins to walk off.

As she walks away his hysterical crying starts again. She turns back and says, " What's' the go?! You've just been hugged and kissed! Why are you still crying?" He says to her, "I'm 32 and I've never been fucked." She smiles at him and walks over, picks him up and throws him into the ocean. "There, now you're fucked!"

ORSM VIDEO

I like porn as much as the next guy but I've got to admit that this vid kind of freaks me out a bit. I mean sure, midgets, dwarves and even elf's are people too and they deserve to enjoy hardcore lesbian sex as much as the next guy but it well and truly pushes my freaky boundaries...

- Freaky Lesbian Midget Porn -

click here for more

My Dear Family,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma.

click here for more

READER MAIL
Quite a big response from last weeks update and my mail box took a thrashing accordingly. If you've got something to say or in most cases just something to complain aout then feel free to drop me a big fat email right here.

Chris wrote:
Subject: last update
Your latest rant about the 'pirate movie' fiasco that the music industry started really struck a cord with me. I became so sick and tired of all the crappy programs and advertising on TV that I find myself hating the time I do waste infront of it, my computer became my source of entertainment and escape.

It sickened me to watch Kazza go through the legal grinder by rich, manipulative lawyers because they figured out that 1's and 0's can be copied and pasted and viewed at the internet users lesuire. Much like yourself I am happy buying DVD's and have an impressive, expensive collection. Yet I cannot afford to buy a DVD every time I seek a few hours entertainment.

I went to see Shrek 2 the other week and one of the ads was about Software priracy. You yourself know the sting of legal interference from your Prycless problems. So that leaves me in a shit of a place. To download or not download.

silky chubs wrote:
Subject: hello
read your complaints on the site about nothing on t.v. well i'm here in the U.S. so i don't know what you got down there as far as tv stations. i saw you had "the niggar family" video on the site from Chappelle's Show. its on comedy central here in the U.S. easily the best show on tv. season 1 is on dvd and i suggest you pick it up if ya dont have it already. 2 more good shows on comedy central are Reno 911, which is on weekly, and tough crowd with colin quinn which is on monday through thursday. Reno 911 first season is on dvd also. if you havent seen them i suggest you pick them up if they're not on down under. also some old tv shows are coming to dvd like the a-team and dukes of hazzard, definitely worth picking up. also a great flick to have is Half Baked starring Dave Chappelle. hope those suggestions get you through a week or two. also that dude Tim Baxter needs to get a fuckin sense of humor. that pick was a little fucked up, but it was a joke and funny. and the niggar family is funny as hell too. anyway just wanted to drop a line.

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spine wrote:
Subject: Response
Tim Baxter wrote:
Fuck you for making fun out of this picture.... Tell me what is funny about someone starving to death as a photographer chronicles it like a wild-life film. C'mon you prick.... explain yourself.... what is funny about the picture above???????? This is a step below your satire "The Nigga Family Film" Great moves......... racism..... you can almost get away with that!!! ...... Revelling in a human being starving to death aint funny, it aint satirical and it sure as fuck shouldn't celebrated. Fuck you and fuck anyone who celebrates this sort of humour!

Mr. Orsm, Tell the bleeding heart Sally Struthers, even though they're starving they don't seem to have any problem reproducing and perpetuating the cycle.

Ijuicy1 wrote:
Subject: reply to Tim Baxter (update 2004.06.24)
Hi Orsm, grest site and all that shit. If i may, i would like to reply to the email from Tim Baxter regarding the photo of the starving african. So to you Tim - Firstly, who the fuck do you think u are?? This is orsm's site, he runs it, he decides the content, he doesnt need to explain anything and he doesnt need a stupid fuck like you abusing him bcos there's something on the site that you dont like. Secondly if you've been a fan for as long as i have u will know that this isnt the first time that some fuck hasnt liked something on the site and proceeded to chastize orsm and everyone else who views about how wrong and how immoral putting images of starving people, or making fun bout kids with cancer is to which orsm has had to come out and give an explanation. Basically Tim, orsm and everyone else...it comes down to this....If you dont like what u see, then dont look, and dont preach to me or anyone else about how wrong it is. So its a big FUCK YOU from all of us who think orsm is doing a great job. Thanks Orsm.

Drew wrote:
Subject: ChucKie AkeNz & V-Unit: You Got Beef
Hey ORSM - As someone who grew up in a place w/ Viet Gangs I can tell you that aint no parody... that is how it is... especially the end where 20 of them jump 2 guys... That is the way it is... 1 starts shit and 40 come to finish it. if you publish this dont include my email... I dont want 50 dudes showing up on my door step

Adam Burney wrote:
Subject: Great Work
Orsm, Love the site. I've been coming to visit your little corner of the net for 3+ years and you've constantly been making it better. I love the weekly updates, hell I loved the twice monthly updates but I'll never complain about more Orsm. What ever happened to Holly Rider? She was the hottest sheila you ever had on the site. Does she do hard core? Anywho I just dropped a line to thank you for the years of enjoyment and I look forward to may more neeked women and silly jokes. May the force be with you. One cracker ass American.

Yep Holly is a true hottie. Would you guy's like to see more of her? Drop me a line and let me know. -Orsm

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Aussie Big Brother "Trevors" Home page
Hey Orsm, Been checking out your site for about a year now. Fuckin kick ass. A few friends and I have been setting up a website for our mate Trev, cause he just fuckin rocks. Contrary to Paul's belief Trevs not playing the game, he just a genuine nice guys. I know that's hard to believe.

Anyway we are trying to get some momentum behind him to make sure he stays in there till the end. Wondering if you would help by putting up a link to the site on your kick ass webpage. www.bigbruddah.com

cathy & ian wrote:
Subject: How I learned to water ski back on the farm in Sask.
Not near a beach and dying for some water sports of the non-erotic kind? well why not try it from the back of a truck!?

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Yok P LAI wrote:
Subject: EVA Jumbo jet collapses at Heathrow
A 320-ton jumbo jet collapsed at Heathrow on Sunday while engineers were carrying out maintenance work. No-one was injured when the nose of the Boeing 747 crashed to the ground as landing gear folded. British Airways is investigating why safety pins, which should have secured the landing gear, apparently failed. The plane, belonging to EVA Air of Taiwan, had been due to leave the west London airport on Saturday, but was delayed by hydraulics problems. Passengers were sent to a nearby hotel while BA engineers checked the hydraulics systems.

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: More pictures from Abu Ghraib prison
..don't see anyone bitch'n about these similar pics....go figure !

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H Majd wrote:
Subject: wiz flour
one of my friends wiz his face covered wiz flour at 3am in da morn'n.

Those eyebrows should definitely have been removed also. -Orsm

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Paul Bagley wrote:
Subject: Iraqi Soap makes you BARF
Hi Mr.Orsm, I am working for a security company in Iraq and found an old soap box in the desert while patrolling our site. No wonder the Iraqi soldiers stink so badly... their soap makes them BARF! Great site, keep up the good work.

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Jonathan wrote:
Subject: a lil something
twin sisters, not identical but who cares right? feel free to crop and post

I certainly wouldn't care. I'd hit em both... twice! -Orsm

Monstrosity wrote:
Subject: 2004 Mustang Beast!
Ive been visiting your site for the last year or so, you seem a bit of a ford head, thought you may like these pics of the 2004 ford mustang beast. :) Enjoy

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THIS SHIT ABSOLUTELY ROCKS - ALL SITE ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST REALITY SITES ON THE ENTIRE NET WITH THOUSANDS OF EXCLUSIVE VIDEOS AND PICTURES! DON'T BELIEVE ME? JUST CLICK HERE AND COME FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!

WORTH A SURF

Big Brother Uncut - The Jane Does' - Pornographic Log - Tit Bit - Wild Girls TGP - Changing Links - The Hangover Cafe

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS".

click here for more

YOU WANT FLIES WITH THAT?

Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry? - Hungry?

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Bubba's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You cocksucker!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids!?"

click here for more

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

ORSM VIDEO

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in 10..."

click here for more

WOULD YOU JACK JILL?

Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill

Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill - Jill

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the boss”... "But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well... sort of right... this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?" queries Noah "Yep, fish... well to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether... "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

RANDOM SHITE

It's a pretty sweet buch of pics I have garnered together for this weeks Random Shite. Check em out...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"What's going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!" "Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

click here for more

A guy met a beautiful blonde, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other, as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on their honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three-rotation jack knife where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel, beside her.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion." You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down next to him on her towel, not even breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No." she said, "I was a hooker in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana, but I worked both sides of the bayou!!

click here for more

A famous heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a Gynecologist."

click here for more

TOUCH OF CHOCOLAT

Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny

Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny - Danny

I'm happy to annouce that is this is the completion of the first update for the last half of the year. What a milestone huh!? Beat that if you dare! Anyway make sure you tune back in next week for more of the same and I try and go that extra mile to crank out a better update than this one... and all the other ones before it! Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my day and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


 

 

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