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July 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.07.31-23.27
Ashley Hotness

Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm so in hate with you.

Howdy pardner. What up? I've spent most of this week feeling like I need to throw up or pass a rather nasty stool. Think sea-sickness. And before you say it - no I'm not preggers. This is thanks to the fuckers a few doors down demolishing a house. I'm all for progress but the constant digging, banging and compacting is sending vibrations down the street, under my house, through the floor, up my chair and into my anus. Admittedly it was quite pleasurable at first but too much of a good thing...

Moving on... finally caved and did the iPhone thing... almost. Actually this was my second attempt after Vodafone said they don't have coverage in my area which was kind of gay because I'm not all that far from the CBD. Do they know its 2008? So after much, much procrastination and eventual realisation that my only chance to attain coolness was Optus, off I went to sign up. Not surprisingly they didn't have stock and to get one you have to churn to their network on the spot. I can live with that except when I make up my mind to buy something I want it NOW. Seemingly a tad inconvenient and even more so when you consider due to 'high demand' it may be mid-September before the handset arrives. At this point I'm not sure who to hate - Optus, Apple or myself although I think we can rule me out straight away because I can do no wrong... obviously.

What's that they say about procrastination? You snooze, you lose. True but I think to truly enjoy buying anything its necessary to research every possible option, read every single review, make lists, flow charts, embark on an extensive consultation process with friends, blog about it and then go door to door until I'm completely satisfied that the deal I'm getting is the absolute best one going.

The alternative is buying from the first place you walk into and seeing it $100 cheaper somewhere else the next day while the cocky salesperson tells his mates 'the drinks are on me' after making full commission on some poor, balding schmuck... and we can't have that!

Okay let's do a weekend wrap. Honestly there's so little in my life beyond the weekend you're really just shit out of luck if you wanted to hear about anything else...

Remember last week I threatened to live on the edge and do my weekly food shop at somewhere completely different? Well I went one better and did it Friday. Fucking revolutionary stuff believe me. Sarcasm aside, it was far better - easier to find parking, less people, shorter cues and anything fresh you want isn't already sold out. The other plus is unencumbering my Saturdays. Can only imagine how much more convenient life would be if we had trading hours beyond 9am-6pm but as it turns out that would be a little too progressive for the inhabitants of Western Australia.

My actual weekend wasn't all that action packed and most of it was whittled away sitting at the computer. I've decided it's time to clean up my computers which means sifting through four terabytes of literally a few million files and folders that have been accumulating since 1999. To be honest I'm pretty impressed with how ordered I've managed to keep it but there is now so much crap it takes forever to find anything. The hard part is deciding how to proceed - delete or backup to disc? And therein lays the conundrum. Delete, it's gone forever. Backup and I'm going to have to sort through again one day. Oh decision decisions...

Okay I'll shut up while you dudes check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Juicy Jess - Game On - Blading - Nutted - Celeb Sextapes - Funny Failure - Hot Ash - Vida Guerra - Cumming

Real Topguns - 80's Star - Puffy - Stupidity - Unfknblvbl - Girls Tricked - Sexy Boobs - Shenanigans - Brutal Beating

Bush Or Batman? - Damn Tease - Fucking Feline - Oh Andrea - Hotness - Blob Jump - Butt Sniff - Pennies - Retardid

How can you tell if a guy is a queer? He gets a hard-on while you're fucking him in the ass.
--
Two old queens (Jim and John) had been together for many years and one day, Jim died. Then John asked all his mates to come round for the wake. Once they had all arrived, they asked to see Jim's body. John told them that it would be impossible, as he had made Jim into a curry. Everyone was shocked and asked John why he had done this. John replied, "I just wanted to feel him slowly slip out of my arse one more time"
--
A guy from the Deep South comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted faeces belonged to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of an Asian, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."
--
A woman comes back from a visit to the doctor and says to her husband. "The doctor says I've got the tits and arse of a 16 year old". Her husband replies "What did he say about your 40-year-old cunt?" The wife responds "Oh, he didn't mention you..."

TORY LANE LOVES IT
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SOME INTERESTING FACTS...

- You can't create a folder called 'con' in Microsoft Windows.
- All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long.
- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
- About 1 in 30 people in the U.S. are in jail, on probation, or on parole.
- Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.
- The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.
- Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.
- The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- An average persons hand does 56% of the typing.
- Orsm.net readers are better looking, have larger penises and nicer boobs.
- The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.
- Some Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
- The only two animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
- Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year!
- Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
- An octopus' testicles are located in its head.
- Oenophobia is the Fear of wines.
- The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
- The word 'News' is actually an acronym standing for the 4 cardinal compass points - North, East, West, and South!
- Phobatrivaphobia is fear of trivia about phobias.
- The Muppet Show was banned from Saudi Arabian TV because one if its stars was a pig.
- Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
- China has more English speakers than the United States.
- All the swans in England are property of the Queen.
- The Yo-Yo originated as a weapon in the Philippine Islands during the sixteenth century.
- The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".
- A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
- A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.
- India never invaded any country in her last 10,000 years of history.
- Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
- In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.
- "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
- Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be moulded with the hands.
- 55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked. "Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "Republicans!" says Little Suzy.

The man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. McCain called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. McCain got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today." "Yes sir," Suzy said, "They are all DEMOCRAT kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. McCain said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were REPUBLICANS...?" Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

REALLY REALLY RICH BOYS TOYS
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The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time.  We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?" "I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick!".

I WANNA WORK AT GOOGLE...
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READER MAIL
It kind of felt like a quiet email week until I sorted through. Matter of fact there was so many good submissions that my carbon emissions increased by 64%. Anyway if you would like to submit then I urge you to do so now... before I SNAP. High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pics of your tasty GF. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Jess from the Veronicas
Hey ORSM, love the site you always brighten up my week. I found these pics that look like Jess from The Veronicas. Hide my details if you do use them. Cheers,

Apparently actually her. -Orsm

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Bob wrote:
Subject: being australian
Fair suck of the sav. Who the fuck researched the names and nationalities of people you state are true australians? Where the fuck have you been the last 25 years? Living in the scrub west of Gulagarmbone sniffing petrol and smoking dried possum shit? Here are some facts.

Mel Gibson  is NOT australian ,lived here for 7 years then fucked off. Russel Crowe same deal,only became an australian citizen by dipping in wick in the aussie girl he married,just another kiwi wanker.
Nicole Kidman did virtually the same thing(born in Hawaii) and spent no more than 5 years here. She also married another expat. kiwi junkie a lot of people have adopted as aussie and fucked off as well,good riddance.
Others not born here are Olivia Newton John,Kevin Borich,
Guy Pearce,Richard Wilkins,Barnsey,and so many more .
With Livvy and Jimmy maybe i'll give them a pass.
Why are you so ready to call so many others australian when they say I'm going home for xmas they don't mean here,it's the country of their birth.
They don't think of being AUSTRALIANS.
To qualify you have to at least the following credentials.
Being conceived in the back of a F.J. Holden or a F.B. panel van at the drive in.Your parents telling you they used to have 1/3 pint of milk for little lunch in primary school,and your grandad remembering eating bread and dripping during the war.Last but not least eating a witchetty grub while camping west of Dubbo with kids you have just met.
Apart from that you were pretty close,so keep up the good stuff and more fucked up shite.

Gordon wrote:
Subject: Don't Piss Off The Crane Driver
Ought to fire that POS crane operator. Dumb bastard can't control his load for shit. Should never had that manbasket swinging like that! And he dunked the basket in the water just to stop it from swinging so damn much,,,, because he's a pos operator! IF I was one of the men inside that basket, when I got to the bastard in the operator's seat, I'd have wore him out with a Louisville Slugger (baseball bat)! Just sayin',,,,,
Paul wrote:
Subject: what is it with blokes...
G'day mate, I've finally had enough. Been a contributor a couple of times and I've finally snapped, gone postal, call it what you will... I've noticed in reader mail all these blokes sending in pictures of women they've been with, and then the woman has cheated/run off with/gone to greener pastures with someone else so they've thought the best way to get them back was to post naked pics of them, "warning" us of their wicked ways. For starters, build a bridge and get over it. If they're happy to pose for the pics it's not going to bother them and if they take on half the footy team while you're away, it's not going to affect any future performance on their behalf.

Secondly. If you're going to post pics of what she used to do to you, the mail man and the hairy bloke next door. I don't want to see your little pecker in the picture. In the end, be happy that someone who is happy to go down on what most of us would laugh at while you take shakey amature footage, has decided to grace you with their nudeness...

Don't get me wrong though, keep the pics coming, hehehe. Enough of my rant, felt I needed to air all that...

Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: When do you think best?? FAIL
From a BHP colleague: I attended an Executive Business Course at the Melbourne Business School in Mt Eliza last week. There was plenty of talk about conflict management, dealing with people, negotiation, active listening, innovation & creativity, critical thinking, theory of constraints, feelings, perceptions etc etc etc. In one of the topics, we were asked by the facilitator: "When do you think best?" ie. where/what situation. A few People's answers were written up on butchers paper, for discussion and reflection. The next morning when returning to the class room, half asleep, a few of us noticed what was actually written on the butchers paper. Check out the attached photo................................
click to enlarge
Nathan wrote:
Subject: email
Hey Orsm, Great site bullshit, bullshit. We were out onsite the other day and this toe truck kept passing by. We had a great laugh and thought it was the best bizo name. Cheers from all at Imagine it.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: correct tagging procedure
After many safety talks about having to tag items correctly at work, everything got tagged. Everything. Keep my details private please

Saftey first... -Orsm

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Shane wrote:
Subject: Train sign
Somebody stuck this over the real sign on a Sydney train. It was 2 weeks before they noticed and took it down

Scary to think just how much work someone put into that. -Orsm

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Jez wrote:
Subject: email
How he [Ricky Ponting] celebrates. Shocking really.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: It's good to have a boat
Hey Mr. ORSM. Love the site - long time reader. Hit the lake with a couple of buddies and a bunch of crazy chics yesterday - got the chics all naked 'til the ranger showed up bitching about indecent exposure and ruined the fun, but came away with these pics from the day. Hope your readers have as much fun viewing them as I did taking 'em. Please keep my details private. Thanks.

Thanks for the fucking invite! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: flavoured knobs
G'day Orsm. I saw this while perusing the smallgoods section of the local Coles here in Brisneyland...it looked like dog food at first glance, but apparently they expect people to eat these juicy flavoured knobs. No thanks. Cheers

I've always liked a bit of knob. I love just putting it in my mouth. My desire for knob is insatiable. -Orsm

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Loz wrote:
Subject: Africa
Africa is no place for sissies! They chomped through all four tyres and the spare, 3 of them while the vehicle was moving!!

Nom nom nom... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: I wont be buying a boat trailer from Papas in a hurry.................
This happened today, on Broome Highway just before the 19.3Klm (GML) Railway Crossing. Truck was towing boat to Broome. Winch post snapped off, boat did skid along highway for a distance before stopping in ditch. Driver did not feel boat leaving trailer. Realised boat was missed after going over the crossing when he looked to check if boat still there. Don't know what other means of securing was used. I know I will ensure my boat is secured by more than the winch post in future.
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Texas Hunting
Texas Hunting Vehicle. And then they hunt from these: TEXAS DEER STAND. Life can be rough in the Lone Star State !

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jeff wrote:
Subject: email
My x wife pics use um if ya want

Nasty. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: USAF C-130 Emergency Landing - Bagdad
I almost never forward anything but you gotta see this. Please hide all my info, this stuff was put on information lock down and wasn't suppost to get out.

Why did they blow it up? That would have buffed right out! -Orsm

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Click for more awesomeness

A young lady had become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she was too far gone and could not. When told so by her doctor she broke down and cried.

"I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!"

The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital for an appendix operation when you give birth. We'll just give her your baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all."

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for an appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was, was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realising the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on "I am your mother, the bishop is your father."

ORSM VIDEO

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How very unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed?" said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...  "DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING KING PUTT!?"

CODY LANE IS HOT
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ORSM VIDEO

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

RANDOM SHITE
This RS is so good that it will make you think an 18yo Angelina Jolie is massaging your balls with her tongue. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar sits a huge Aboriginal bloke. Two 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big bloke. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, "Can I give you a blow-job?"

With this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed and shocked the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that!" he says, "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure", the big Aboriginal replies, "something about getting a job."

WEAPON SCULPTURES
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A man was going 5 miles an hour over the 45 speed limit when he notices a police car behind him. He speeds up to 60... The police car tails him and turns on the lights. The man speeds up to 70... Police car turns on the siren. The man speeds up to 80 and starts approaching 90...

The policeman in the police car says over his mike... "Buddy, pull over or I'll shoot your tires out". With that, the speeder slows down, pulls his car to the side of the road and turns his ignition off. The policeman turns off his siren, leaves the lights going and unsnaps the holster of his gun as he approaches the man's car.

The policeman says to the speeder "OK, buddy, I've heard 'em all, but I want to hear YOURS". The man replies "Well, officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a month ago, and I thought you were him bringing her BACK!"

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Aaaaaand... DONE. Woohoo! All that leaves is the outro...

- Check out the site archives. They go back so far that the first updates are written in hieroglyphics.
- Next update will be in T-minus 168 hours.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take a huge shit in the cistern of your toilet. This is called a Top Deck. That way, whenever you flush, Ray's shit will appear in the bowl. If you have more than one toilet he will Top Deck them too. And the ones at your work, the gym, your parents - everywhere you go will be a fresh Top Deck waiting for you. That's just the kind of guy Ray is.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rug up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.07.24-23.10
Carmella BING

Welcome to Orsm.net. Far cup. Far cue. Far kit. Far canal. Far car. That's all I got...

Hello girls and boys, children, attractive women and the handicapped. Here we are together again. Awww. Huggles. How is everyone? Good? Bad? Gay? Me... Redbulled to the max so artificially excellent.

Anyone make it to World Youth Day in Sydney? Come on fess up you little zealots. Unfortunately I was busy doing God's work [the update] so I couldn't make it however it was hard not to be impressed with the insanity of hundreds of thousands of pilgrims going bananas for a little German guy in a fishbowl.  One thing that particularly stood out was the behaviour of the masses. Amazing that so many people can be crammed together without any trouble. I can't think of any other event where you could stick that many 'youths', without at least a few getting too drunk, too rowdy and starting fights before being hauled off by Mr. Policeman.

Moving on... I discovered this week that there is some amusement to be had by changing my FaceBook relationship status to engaged. To perpetuate this lie my engagement was to someone outside my usual circle so most weren't too sure. The days following saw my inbox slowly tick over with 'congratulations' messages. Good for a laugh but I think the most interesting part of this social experiment was how many I didn't get...

Not being one of those FB tards that adds every single person they've ever met, my friends list is a modest 110 people [of which I mostly like] and from that there was probably a dozen messages. That's right... a whole 12 people were so happy for me that I'd found and latched onto my dream girl they didn't acknowledge it. Fuckers. So how am I supposed to take this? Either no one cares or no one believes that anyone would marry me. Apathy or pessimism. What else could you ask for from your friends!?

Resentment aside we did consider running with it for a while. Maybe a few months. Long enough to have an engagement party and recoup some of the gifts that we've shelled out for others over the years. Then it's just a matter of changing the status back to single and enjoying all the new house stuff. Ingenious I tell you.

Wanna hear about how I spent my week? Do ya? Do ya? Okay you convinced me...

Saturgay pushed the bounds of mediocre and ever in search of new and exciting things I decided to do groceries at a completely different shopping centre. That's right! I could hardly believe it myself! The excitement was almost too much to bare. I'm even thinking about trying somewhere different again this week... if I can handle it.

Sunday called for some serious outdoor attention to clean up after the previous days storms. I don't actually have that much of an issue with fallen leaves but they have this uncanny habit of ending up in the garage around my car. And then the wind blows. And then my car gets dirty. And we can't have that. Speaking of which, cleaning the car was my next trick. Long overdue and the first time my poor girl has had a wash since I got back from my fantastic voyage over a month ago. Following that was a gardening lesson from my favourite neighbour [my other neighbour is a cunt]. This time every year he heads over to cut all 27 of my rose bushes back. Not just a prune either... the full get-them-ready-for-spring butchering. Anyway I figured I should learn the art because he's very, very old...

Okay I shan't draw this out any longer. If you haven't just scrolled right past this redundant pile of words then you're probably wondering why you bothered so I'll cut to it and say... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

OMG Boobs - Day Dream - Nude Pics - Parental Porn - Tasty Teens - Owned - Bikini Contest - Cori Nadine - Big Booty

Bold Manoeuvre - Funny Dub - Pride Boogie - Censorship - Amanda Bynes - Whiteboyz - Brazil Chica - Eat My Pussy

Bad Awakening - It's On Bitch! - Fucking Tease - He Can Dance - Sophie Monk - Racism - Smell Phone - Sara Varone

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
--
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... How do you like using second hand stuff?" The new husband replies "It isn't all that bad at all really. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."
--
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?
--
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "The wall! Watch the fucking wall!"

ASHTON & BRITNEY
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN WHEN...

1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray  Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly  Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer, Rupert Murdoch and Orsm.net.
2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks.
3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake.
4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger
5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in 'o': arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.
5. You know that some people pronounce "Australia" like "Strayla" and that's ok.
6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.
7. You know that while we call our friends 'mates', we don't use terms like 'shiela' and 'shrimp on the barbie', contrary to popular belief.
8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, he's a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania.
10. You resent people who succeed over others - everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of 'American-dream' in reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.
11. You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel's Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.
12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian... Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC,  INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...
13. One word: Skippy.
14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just fucking rock.
15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases (remote Aboriginal communities are a different matter).
16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don't count 1788).
17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and fahrenheit will ever offer.
18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road... also know as the RIGHT side of the road.
19. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. 'Hit and runs' just aren't cricket. Because Aussies stick together.
20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.
21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent, and for some bizzare reason, think that they invented Pavlova. Bastards. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.
22. You know that you can't eat Fantales alone... Otherwise who will you play the 'Who am I...' game with when you're reading the wrapper?
23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole.
24. You know that Americans think we're all Steve Irwin clones. And crikey, they couldn't be more wrong.
25. You know that lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.
26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. You've also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol' Johnny Howard.
29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV are funny (but your son being gay isn't).
30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie. 'g'day' and 'd'reckn?'. This allows more space for profanities.
31. You've ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.
34. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can't imagine your childhood without it.
36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don't know what "girt" means. And you're ok with that.
37. You've drank your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim-tam.
38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the 'one bounce, one hand' rule always applies.
39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world's deadliest of animals. That's why if anybody messes with us we'll get some funnel webs on their asses.
40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don't scorn.... because you're doing it too.
41. You know what Tropfest is and it makes you happy.
42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.
43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "she'll be right, mate".
44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon... but you can't remember.
45. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
46. You've ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.
48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it's nobody's business.
49. You've heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as 'un-Australian', and that's enough to make us sit down and shut up.
50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alcohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons - all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen finally turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!"

WEIRDO FUCKERS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL
Don't be a homo - email me.  Girlfriend pictures, fucked up shit, cool shit, funny shit, random shit, jokes, videos -whatever- is what we want! Pretty much anything you can squeeze down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Bill wrote:
Subject: Amazing video, and a very, very important question.
Dear Mr. Orsm, Your site is excellent. You know this already, but it's good to hear huh? One lil' favour for one inspired guy. Just watched the 'Fucking Amazing Orgasm' video that is on your fucking amazing site.  I NEED to get that DVD, where did you get that!! It could change my life, and the life of some girls too! Did you see her, she went crazy! Please, if you could just tell me the name of that, I am sure you will change my life for the better.

SO many emails about this. The clip originates here I am told. -Orsm

Jase wrote:
Subject: Wrong Number
Hey there Mr Orsm. I've long been a fan of your site. SO much fun and laughter to be had. I've created a fairly basic site that you may be interested in. I started off just showing a few friends who seem to think it's the funniest thing they've ever seen. Anyway, what its about is a girl that has mistakenly rung me numerous times thinking i'm this Craig guy. I tried and tried to tell her i'm not. She wouldn't believe me, so i decided to have some fun instead. It's an ongoing thing for the past few days. I've recorded all her messages she's left on messagebank and posted them. Hopefully, i can try to calm her down and get a photo out of her to post up.

Frickin' hilarious. I particuarly like where she says "I hope your son gets killed on the way to school". ALL class. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook Shenanagins
Hey bro, long time site watcher. A mate of mine has undertaken a strange... undertaking. Should be fairly self explanatory. Was hoping you could help us make it happen.

Benjamin wrote:
Subject: Random shite redux
Thought #12 might need some clarification. Enjoy!

Good advice... not just for emo's either - anyone planning to kill themself should pay attention. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Chris wrote:
Subject: look mom!! no hands!!!!
Hi there. I live in greece and one day i saw this strange image while driving, there probably is another guy in front, at least i hope there was, but the whole picture was funny and i thought id send it to you.keep the good work.
click to enlarge

Case wrote:
Subject: silly girls!
this girl thought it would be a good idea to send me a picture of herself online, just made it way to easy

A girl good enough to do that... you should find her and marry her. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Buttercup wrote:
Subject: Please post this in Prycless/Priceless Pictures
Hello webmaster, A little bit about myself and the picture. I am the 45 y.o. Aunt of my 31y.o.nephew. Recently I kicked him out of my house because has stolen some money, as I went through his things and for this long story short, Please post this up so I could have alittle revenge.
click to enlarge

Bobby wrote:
Subject: Proper Flag Etiquette
MANY OF YOU EX-MILITARY FOLKS ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE PROPER METHOD OF SALUTING THE FLAG WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER IN UNIFORM. IT MAKES YOU FEEL PROUD TO SEE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO SALUTE WHEN THE FLAG PASSES BY OR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED. Brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it??

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LUIS wrote:
Subject: email
va algo

No idea what you're trying to say but I see a hot, naked girl so I don't really care. -Orsm

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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: email
3 guys stay in there for 4 days of racing @ a NASCAR race, Dover. The guy's nickname is actually whitey.
click for gallery
Mitch wrote:
Subject: 67 'Stang Trike
Not my taste but well engineered? This is one 1967 Mustang you have to see to believe, but wait it's not just your ordinary average classic Mustang it's a Trike! Yes folks a Trike as in a 3-wheeled motorcycle with one-half of a 1967 Mustang and the front-half of a motorcycle. According to the owner the trike it took 2 years to complete this custom beast with no shortcuts taken. It features a 289/302 bored .060 over, T-4 transmission, 9 inch rear end and some custom paint work. As of writing this, the custom 1967 Mustang Trike has a starting bid of $34,499 with no bids.
click for gallery

Emo Sami wrote:
Subject: Fotos de Montevideo
these pics were taken at a beach in Uruguay, South America.....

It was particuarly hot that day apparently... -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: The Cat & the Bird
Cat: 'Hey what's this? It moves and it speaks! Bird: Hey! You're messing up my feathers! Bird: You swat me with that thing again and I'll bite your claws off! Cat: Sorry, I was just curious. Just wanted to get to know you! Bird: Does this mean I win? Hey, how about a little tummy rub? You sleep. I've got your back.
click for gallery
Martin wrote:
Subject: SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
Hi, Thanks for the site man and all the hard work keeping it going. A few signs from around the world. Thanks
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: cheating wife
Please don't post my info: I just wanted to help my cheating wife get more ass. You can find her in Hershey, PA working at the [removed] where she goes through people's bank account looking for her next prey. So if your account is loaded she will be calling you soon.
click for gallery
mib wrote:
Subject: URGENT PRESS ALERT COMMUNIQUE
Can you please spread these around. This is what Mugabe and his thugs are doing to the elderly people in Zimbabwe. We need to partition to have Robert Mugabe and Thabo Mbeki answer for crimes against humanity.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: email
Pakistani Girl having sex in a car & Pakistani hottie going all the way. Hide my details please...

Dang. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Undercover Fun
Hi Mr Orsm, Please feel free to share this short video of some recent early morning fun under the covers. Please withhold my details or identity.
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

MAN'S ANSWER TO BLOW JOBS

1. First of all yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of alot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "QUEFF" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it - be glad I'm not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth, because you won't have ANY!
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterwards.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days you need all the fluids you can get.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we have the shit end of the stick in flavour country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth (as long as you're careful with those teeth).
11. Play with the balls.
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and your totally useless.
14. Caress the ass too, we like that.
15. Make hay in the sunshine. It's wide awake in the morning. Now, when you get old and fat (and you will) and looking for goh-ron-tee it'll be sound asleep.
16. If you swallow then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face now will you?
17. Leave the thinking to us!

ORSM VIDEO

FEMALE'S REPLY TO BLOW JOBS

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. So if you get one be grateful.
3. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. No, I don't have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Do not push the top of my head. Do you really want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care how relaxed you get it is never ok to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that its "HUMMER WEEK" get it through your head-I'm bloated and feel like shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can't have sex right now.
9. Blue balls might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate go jerk off.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "WRECKED IT".
11. Leaving me in the bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it its probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talents. Just enjoy the moment and be happy we're good at it.
13. No, it doesn't taste good!
14. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathise or brag.
16. Just because it's awake when you get up does not mean that I have to kiss it good morning.

LENA: TASTY TEEN
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

ORSM VIDEO

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C"s.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No sweetie, it's because you're 25."

RANDOM SHITE
You know the risks. You don't have to be here. It rains... you get wet. Check it...

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RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man,  what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.  The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"  He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

BAN SHARPIES
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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline... and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

GOT WOOD?
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

ORSM VIDEO


Well that's it for this week. I don't know about anyone else but I'm relieved... like how you feel just after you push out a huge turd. And while you think about how good that feels lets wrap up...

- Check out the site archives. Cough.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Exactly a week after this one and a week before the next.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray [who came up with this week's 'my friend Ray'] will oil up his bald head, ram raid your arse and wear you like a cap... and he's not even gay. He'll just do it to prove a point.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it real. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.07.17-23.19

Welcome to Orsm.net. Far cough.

Sowatshakinbrosgoinok? Me... frack-fucking-tastic... except for re-injuring myself in another hard-fought battle with the punching bag. Have been a bit reluctant to go out and knock some sense into it for the last week or two due to the cold weather and the fact it noticeably starts shaking whenever I get close but fired up again Monday good as gold. Was sore on Tuesday but muscled on, skipped yesterday due to being too tender and today I can barely move. Same shoulder/chest strain as last time. Someone please tell me - am I a weak little bitch or is there some special way you're supposed to punch because this is getting gay.

Came up with some brilliant ideas this week: first we'll wait until everyone is struggling... fuel at record prices, interest rates peaking, inflation out of control and then we'll introduce a carbon tax to stick the boot in even further. What do you think?

I also learnt that whilst you may think giving a blow job to a homeless guy that just fucked a colostomy bag and hasn't bathed since the late 90's is the worst tasting thing in the world - it's not. Apple, carrot and ginger juice leaves it for dead. Do not drink stupid ideas. Ever.

Moving on... even though we're six months out and it's FAR too early to talk about it, the how to celebrate New Year's discussions have begun and wanting to do something different to just getting drunk, the "let's go away" idea was put forward. Brilliant. We'll go away and get drunk! Come Monday we jumped online and started madly emailing places. Unsurprisingly we aint the only ones planning a jaunt away. All the smart people must have got in months ago because it was almost impossible to find something that was available and acceptable... and by that I mean: has air-conditioning. After the soul destroying heat of last summer there is no way on god's earth I'm going anywhere that doesn't have some sort of refridgerative capability.

Eventually we did find a place the ticked all the boxes in a southwest coastal town called Yallingup. All that remains now is 22 more updates. Sad isn't it? That my life at some point ceased going from day to day, week to week and now revolves entirely around Thursday's. Unfalteringly committed or deeply insane I don't know.

iPhone... after all the hype and anticipation I didn't do it. Called after opening to see if they still had stock. "Yep. Come down now though." Sweet... quickly check the pricing first. Telstra: $129/mo gets you $90 worth of calls and 107megabytes of data. Who are they kidding? Fail. I get bigger emails. I'll stick with my bunky old Nokia.

Wow I've managed to fill almost this whole blog section thingy without resorting to my weekend rundown... but we can't have that can we!?

Didn't do much Saturday except for some shopping and get through the last few episodes of ST Voyager which I've been slowly working my way through for the third time. Yes I do have a life and no I don't dress up as a Klingon and go out in public. I just got a thing for 7 of 9's. Sunday... birthday breakfast at a friend's place and I'm still wondering who in their right mind makes anyone get out of bed early on a Sunday morning to celebrate anything. From there it was off to the hardware store to buy a bunch of wood and begin construction of a stand for my TV. It's not often I get to put my carpentry skills to use so I like to take my time and over engineer where ever possible. Why use two screws when you can use four? Why not put a rail even though it doesn't need one? And so on until something that essentially replaces a milk crate can now support the weight of a family size sedan. Love it.

And with that I think we should get the update happening. Whether or not this is a good one is an extremely easy question to answer - of course it fucking is. Check it or I'll SNAP...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Amazing Bewbs - Hell's Kitchen - Impossible! - World Crawl - Unfknblvbl - I Was Bored - Make Love - Butterfly Booty

Beach Booty - Office Essential - Bikini Partay - Redneck Rumble - Gabrielle - Marissa Miller - Gone Wild - BBW Asian

Fucking Bitch - SMG Hotness - How The Hell? - Worst Stripper - Got Muff? - Three Heads - Too Skinny - Oh No's!

A van carrying a dozen movie stunt men on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.
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A bloke applies for a job with the Victoria police, Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one further test: Take this gun, go out, and shoot 6 Abo's,  6  Muslim's & a rabbit". Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude... you've got the job!"
--
Two Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes."Crikey mate, that was impressive!" "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wife's epileptic".
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Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fucking hilarious.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a Kit-Kat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a Kit-Kat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit-Kat, you fat bitch!"

SASHA GREY... AKA TEEN HOTTIE
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While on his morning walk, Aussie Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency department at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in. I'm a good Christian. I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Rudd. "I'm sorry... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other luminaries who had helped him out over the years - Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. All past Labor Party leaders were there.

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants'.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, "Have tequila and relax, Kev!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore. I took a pledge," says Rudd, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled with their master strokes on carbon emissions, cost of living, petrol prices and pensioners to name a few.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward. When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Rudd, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time... now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory, when your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to our lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's and frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. Unfortunately we can't tell which one is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you just do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests on a one time basis, however the people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - if he finds his way home, for God's sake don't fuck with him!"

TYRA BANXXX

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A Priest is out fishing one day when he suddenly has a tremendous bite and after a long fight he eventually lands a massive fish. The Priest not knowing much about fishing has no idea what species he has caught. A local fisherman sees the event unfold and rows over to the priest.

"Jesus Christ! That's a huge fucker!" says the fisherman. The shocked Priest replies "How dare you use the lord's name in vain and spout such profanities!" Thinking quickly the fisherman replies "Sorry father, didn't mean any disrespect, but the species of fish you have just caught there is called a 'fucker'".

The Priest is a little surprised by this but after many reassurances from the fisherman is convinced that the species is called a fucker. Upon arriving back at the church the Priest rather proudly takes the fish to show to the Archbishop and to get him to gut and skin the fish.

"Have a look at the fucker I have caught, Archbishop. Can you skin and gut this fucker for me?" Aghast the Archbishop responds "Never have I heard such language from a member of the clergy!"After many reassurances the Priest convinces the Archbishop that the species is infact called a fucker and the Archbishop skins and guts the fish.

The archbishop then gets an idea. "We should take this fucker to the Mother Superior so she can cook this fucker." So the Priest and the Archbishop take the fish to the Mother Superior. "Mother Superior," says the Priest "I have caught this fucker and the Archbishop has skinned and gutted this fucker, can you please cook this fucker?"

Again aghast the Mother Superior responds "Oh my Lord! Never have I thought that I would see the day when I would hear such language come from the mouths of members of this church!" Again after many reassurances the Priest and the Archbishop convince the Mother Superior that fucker is the name of the species. The Mother Superior having calmed down then remembers that the Pope is coming to the church for dinner that night. "Since you have caught this fucker, and you," turning towards the Archbishop "have skinned and gutted this fucker, I shall cook this fucker for the holiness the Pope for dinner tonight."

And so the Mother Superior cooks the fish and later that night serves the fish to the Pope. After the meal the Pope is utterly impressed by the fish and asks where it came from. "Well," says the Priest "I caught the fucker". The Archbishop then chimes in "And I skinned and gutted the fucker". Finally the Mother Superior says "And I cooked the fucker".

The Pope looks long and hard at the three. After a time he pulls out a pipe, lights it up, leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table looking utterly relaxed. "You know," says the Pope "You cunts are alright".

WHEN CELEBS WERE YOUNG
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READER MALE
If you would like to be one of the cool people that has your shit featured on Orsm.net and thus be immortalised for all eternity then submitting ex or current girlfriend pictures, fucked up shit, cool shit, funny shit, random shit, jokes, videos -whatever- is what we want! Pretty much anything you can squeeze down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: 21 Economic etc
Enjoy your site, blah, blah, blah but think you got it wrong in the 21 Economic Models Explained With Cows-An Australian Corporation. it should read-
You have two cows,
They emit Global Warming Gases,
The Krudd Govt slaps you with a Carbon Tax,
You have to sell the cows to pay the tax,
You now longer have an income to pay you mortage and lose your house,
You now have to buy milk at inflated prices from the supermarket but cant afford the petrol to drive your car there.
You end up on Welfare,
Your wife leaves you and takes whatever is left.

Martin wrote:
Subject: 2 Cows response
In relation to the 2 cows bit from last week. You did not mention the 2 Irish Cows. Farmer says to Paddy, "Bring them 2 cows out till I can count them". "1..2...thats grand now bring them back in".
Santa Cruz wrote:
Subject: Awesome Slutty booby pic from Santa Cruz CA
Just me a couple buddies went down the village to have a few beers and some good laughs. Saw some old girls we knew from High School and took a few pictures. Then out of know where 3 chicks roll up yelling "take a picture of us, take a picture of us"! So right when my friend took the picture the chick just pulled her tit out. Good ole wholesome fun down in the bars! Keep up the good work.
click to enlarge
Murray wrote:
Subject: Sign
Took this photo on a recent trip to China. Great site! Keep up the good work. (Although I only go to Orsm for the articles)
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Tom S wrote:
Subject: Homo Milk
Shakka Khan Mr ORSM. Came across this in Salt Spring Island, Vancouver whilst on vacation recently. It seemed to taste OK, but since consuming it I've had a penchant for hissy fits and Shirley Bassey and seem to be saying 'fabulous' a lot. I think I need to go beat my wife now to make me feel like a real man again.
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asimps wrote:
Subject: sign
hey mr orsm got dragged around the shops last weekend in Lincoln England and walked past an alley way with this sign above it, straight away thought of you, keep up the good work mate.
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freak boy wrote:
Subject: dimity jane
check this link then check this picture you were never meant to see. if you wan't to be a stalker then go here as well
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Trevor wrote:
Subject: Idiot Driver
A mate and I were working on Bunbury earlier this week and stopped at a local shopping centre to grab some munchies. On the way back to the car we were almost run down by this idiot. He was trying to go the wrong way out and got trapped by cars entering and a car trying to exit its' parking space. I know there are any number of idiots out there on the roads, but this guy must be world the only surviving brain donor.

The only odd thing about this is that you're surprised. People in Western Oz cannot drive. -Orsm

Jason wrote:
Subject: number plate
It's a little hard to read, but he has your ORSM plates on the Torana

A Torana? A FUCKING Torana!? That just sullies the good Orsm name! -Orsm

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Renee wrote:
Subject: unbelievable photo
Hi there, This photo was taken from a construction site in Canberra City (Glebe Park) during the week.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hi! Great fan of your site! Thanks from Luxemburg. Yes it is a proper country!!! P.S. Please if shown don't show my contact...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nasty bitch
kasey 23, louisiana. please don't show my email
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Mama Grizzly Bear And Triplets
Keefer Lake is near Vernon, British Columbia, Canada. These photos were taken on October 12, 2007 while conducting a post harvest inspection near Strutell Creek (south-west of Keefer Lake). They first spotted this grizzly bear in a plantation; she was about 20 meters away. They realized she was headed towards the parked truck so we waited for her. To their surprise and enjoyment she appeared on the road with three cubs.
click to watch video
Foilman wrote:
Subject: foiled again!
Hey ORSM. Imagine coming into work on a Monday morning to be greeted by this....... an attack of Foilman!!! Workmate took it well, but I have to wonder what the revenge is gonna be because culprit (me) is going to be away from work next Monday and Tuesday. Shudder to think..hope it isn't of the turd variety.
click to watch video

M wrote:
Subject: email
Boobs :)

Honestly this is all it takes to make my day - Reader Mail boobs. -Orsm

click to watch video
james wrote:
Subject: skin graft recovery kinda.
Here's some pic's of my arm going through a skin graft op. They took the skin from my leg, for my arm. It was some lame malpractice that the E.R. fucked up, cant blame them it was 4.30a.m. on a saturday. i dislocated my elbow some bone went through the muscle and pushed itself through the skin. When i got to the e.r. they just popped my elbow joint back in place then sewed up the little hole that was leaking a little bit more blood than it prolly should. 30 mins later in the recovery or where it was, my arm started to swell, went 2x,s the size about, untill it couldnt swell anymore. Hence all the cutting open to let the muscle breathe, within an hour they would have had to take my whole arm.
click to watch video
Andries wrote:
Subject: Big Lions in South Africa
Howsit Mate! Love the site ! Finally found something worth sending to you... These pics were taken in a game reserve in Gauteng, South Africa just a few kilo's out of Johannesburg. The lions get fed every other day, and on the day's that they don't get fed they get quite upset and like to eat car's tyres instead of carcass's ... enjoy !!!
click to watch video

Michael wrote:
Subject: Fox FM this morning...
Hi ORSM, Was listening to fox FM in Melbourne the other morning and thought I heard something go oops - so downloaded a copy of the broadcast and attached is what I found.

Hilarious. -Orsm

click to watch video
Wade Pulley wrote:
Subject: Dam good westie burnout
Hi There. Check this out I think this video is awesome. Cheers.
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled.

ORSM VIDEO

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen."

G FOR GIANNA... AND GOD LOOK AT THOSE TITS!
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An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him... "You root her again."

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check."There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."

RANDOM SHITE
I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke. I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

SARCASTIC REMARKS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay cheque.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

MYSTICAL GARDEN
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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

ORSM VIDEO


Okay peeps that's all I got. If you're sitting there quietly in the afterglow relishing what just was then my work here is done. If you're unsatisfied, wanting, then I must suck at my job and life. SO...

- Check out the site archives. Burp.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Have I mentioned this...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will stick his tongue so far up your arse you'll practically be French kissing. You do not want Ray to do this. Matter of fact we got drunk one night and he gave it a go when I wasn't looking. The first couple of inches were quite pleasurable but it went downhill pretty quickly from there...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the rain. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.07.10-23.twelve
Click my boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Marry me, Fiona?

Been a pretty good week I must say and one that's felt a whole lot like holidays. From finish of update last Thursday until Tuesday I barely got near the computer to do anything vaguely update related which made a nice change from the norm. To thank for this I have my friends. Awww. Had a couple of long lost besties arrive back here for a holiday and several lunches, dinners and nights on the town later it was time for a return to reality.

It's still been very fucking cold. Have I mentioned that before...? Matter of fact it's been so cold that Winter called. It said 'suck it', laughed and hung up. And to all you bastards in the northern hemisphere - I hope you're all suffering in disgusting, sticky summer heat. Honestly I do.

So who else wants an iPhone? Tomorrow seems to be the big day for most countries and no doubt like many, many others wanting to be the first kid in the street to get one I've registered my details online with all the telco's and made seceral calls to see if I can reserve one. No chance. "If you want one we open at 8am tomorrow. First come, first served".

I got the email today with info on what stores would have them and unsurprisingly Western Australia has two [for my preferred carrier]. One store in the metro and one regional. Big fucking help. Onya guys. If anyone works for Telstra, can assist me and would like a killer handjob from a balding 30 year old male then please email me...

Okay let's do the weekend wrap because I still have some space to fill and I know you fuckers live vicariously through me so it would be unfair if I didn't...

Click my boobies

Took my first trip to the new Ikea on Friday. Have been putting it off since the grand opening in February because life is just too short to deal with the traffic and crowds it seems to attract. An hour later I didn't really see what the big deal was. Everyone has been raving on about it and aside from a huge café area it was the same old shit but in a bigger box. Spent the rest of the day hanging out doing the catch up thing with aforementioned friends and then headed out for dinner that night before coming back to mine and getting mildly toasted on red wine. More wine. Please.

A group of us fired up and hit the town Saturday night. Off we went to the same bar we always go and ran amok until they kicked us out at close. Standing on the footpath someone had the bright idea of getting a kebab which meant a trek down the main street -James Street- a street I always avoid due to the fucking idiot factor. Did it disappoint? Of course not...

Half way down the road, people everywhere, I'm standing a few metres away from my friends discussing where to for food when some little 'cunt' gets in my face. "Go'em! Go'em! Go'em!" "What?" "Go'em. Fight 'em." Meanwhile his mate is trying to pick a fight with some random guy walking past. Spot the guys who like Ice. That shit annoys me in ways that this page isn't long enough for me to detail – retards that go out just to fight. Him, his mates, people like them are exactly what's wrong with the world and I have a clear conscience saying I hope they all die and leave the rest of us in peace.

Woke up late Sunday with a hangover. Whodathunkit? DO NOT mix your drinks. DO drink water before sleeping. Failure to adhere will result in suffering. And that I did. It took a few hours, food and extensive rehydration before I was functional enough to leave the house but all in all Sunday was a write off and very fitting end to a bloody good weekend.

Would you like me to go on? I can if you like? No...? Just one more paragraph? Still no...? Okay okay I'll stop the incessant drivel and get cracking with the update. It's what I do best apparently. My teachers at school said I'd never amount to anything and here I am running an adult [read: porn] website. Guess I showed them. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Jedi Gym - Play It - Very Cool - Angry Babe - Teen Lucy - Awesomeness - Charlize - Fuck Me - Booty Beatz

Killer Boobs - Space Cadet - Spring Breakers - Beach Biffo - Luscious Lucia - Perfection - Panama Pussy - Public Sex

Brun Godess - Poo Story - Ultimate Fail - Scared Shitless - What The? - Selma's Legs - Butch Gal - Eat It

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.  Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?". She replied, "Because I really miss mine."
--
A mother took her young daughter to an art museum. They came across a statue of a naked man. The daughter pointed to its penis and asked, "What's that?" The mother said, "That's something boys have and girls don't." Her daughter said, "But I want one." Wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible, the mother said, "Well, if you're a good girl you'll get one when you grow up." Her daughter asked, "And what if I'm bad?" A security guard who overheard the conversation mumbled, "Then you'll get lots of them!"
--
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating." "Oh, dear," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

LICHELLE MARIE
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WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling 'woo-hoo!' is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realise that we now look more like homeless hookers than the goddesses we were just four hours ago...
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because 'oh my god! I love this song!'
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.
13. At a certain point, throwing a whole kebab at your boyfriend becomes your greatest party trick.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found "Two Abreast" on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on "Eyeliner" at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid fortune?" "Shit", he said, "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"

ROXY DEVILLE

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READER MAIL
This week's Reader Mail is fuller than a fat chicks socks. Think kankles. Anyway if you would like to be one of the cool people that has your shit featured on Orsm.net and thus be immortalised for all eternity then submitting ex or current girlfriend pictures, fucked up shit, cool shit, funny shit, random shit, jokes, videos -whatever- is what we want! Pretty much anything you can squeeze down the internets. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Barry wrote:
Subject: random photo infohows it going?
you may already be aware but the person in the second random photo, the very chubby girl is from the uk, i read an article in the newspaper a few months back about her. the story is that she killed her mum and has now being put in a mental hospital, i cant trace the article but apparently her mum had put a lock on the fridge to stop her from binge eating and when her mum attempted to block her from getting into the fridge and accessing some chocolate cake she beat her to death, the next door neighbour heard and phoned the police and when they arrived her mum was lying on the floor in a pool of blood and she was sitting at the table eating the chocolate cake.
Megs wrote:
Subject: "What a catch" vid
I wanted to believe it, but its not real. I looked it up. Apparently it was part of an ad campaign that was scrapped. But someone from the ad people leaked the video online.
Sami wrote:
Subject: New Nail Gun for dad, made by Dewalt.
It can drive a 6-D nail thru a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a real breeze... you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax, when they have the board in the right place just fire away. With the hundred round magazine, you can build a fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you fix or build anything else. Available for a little more is the 'band-aid magazine' for those near misses when fence building.
click to enlarge

JW wrote:
Subject: Lucky Roy
I always suspected Wal-Mart employees were getting pussy like this.

2.1M employees can't be wrong. -Orsm

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click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Good boss
Dear ORSM, These signs have been erected in the toilet at work, One approx 3 months ago and (the other) this week. Please don't show my info, thanks.

Apols. I'll look down in future. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: google indexing gone horribly wrong...
Hey Orsm. I just wanted to share the attached with you. I often check google for news updates when I came across this example of their news indexing gong horribly wrong. Just goes to show you that even a billion dollar company like google can fuck up in a ways that'll turn your stomach. Please do not share my details. Thanks, you rock!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic for random sh*t
Hi orsm, greetings from germany. You know, its EURO 08 so everybody is in a football-crazy mood, supporting their teams and stuff... Check out this poor fella:
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Allison
This is an exgirlfriend of mine name Allison she pissed me off so I am hopping you will post her pic on your site she has really great tits.To bad she does not have a great attitude to with them, I go to your site often and love the lay-out and content keep up the good work. Please with hold all info thanks.
click to enlarge
corey wrote:
Subject: frozen
works fine wots the fukken problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Here ya go....
Hello friend. I say friend because I visit every week and I always have a good time. I have never contributed before, so here are a few pics of some local party lizards. Enjoy and hidden details would be great.
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: Migrating Hummingbirds
This is something I have never seen before, or ever even heard of. This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water and this is the result.
click for gallery
Doak wrote:
Subject: Memorial Day Air Show 2008 Jones Beach
Memorial Day Air Show from Jone s Beach , NY. THANKS to ALL who served and who ARE serving. . . Please Pray for our Troops and Leaders
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fat Whore Sent Me These
Dont show info please. This is my friends mom she sent this stuff to phone from hers what a fat whore.

MIWLF? -Orsm

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AL G wrote:
Subject: reader mail
Helloooo ORSM, I don't know why they call it a car show but just maybe, just maybe, it is because I got the "Classic Hot-Rod" from the pics. KEEP IT UP....
click for gallery

Mike wrote:
Subject: James murrays wife Lee corbet naked
thot ud get a good laugh at these. this guys a total prick he knows his wife fick other women and he accepts it heheh what a tosser!

Yours. -Orsm

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Billee wrote:
Subject: Master parking
Hi there, Mr. Orsm. Every now and then I get something that matches the contents of your funny site and worth of contributing. Check out that skilled driver as he maneuvers to take his car out of the parking lot. Regards!

And people wonder why the road toll is so high. How does this guy get a license? -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

ORSM VIDEO

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter said that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "Really? You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with someone just as gorgeous. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

TIFFANY TAYLOR

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After several weeks of feeling lousy and in pain, John decided that he should finally see a doctor. He asked his wife, Mary, to join him. So after waiting for an hour, they entered the room of the specialist recommended by their friends. The doctor examined John for more than a half hour, took blood test, x-rays and poked and prodded every available spot on his body.

After waiting an hour, the doctor asked Mary to come in to his office to speak privately. "What is it?" Mary asked. "Well, there is good news and bad news,?" said the doctor. "Your husband has a very rare disease, that if he gets very stressed is most likely to become fatal."

"Well, What's the good news", asked Mary." "Practice has shown that if you, as his wife, make sure that his life is stress free, he can go on living a very healthy, normal life. What this means on a practical level is that you have to pamper him and do what he wants. If he gets upset, agree with him. Cook him his favourite foods regularly. Don't argue with him, even when you know you are right. Let him always think he is right and always be respectful of him. Be available regularly in the romantic department and fulfil all his wishes."

Stunned, Mary leaves and heads to the reception room, where John was impatiently waiting. "So." John asked, "What did the doctor tell you?" "You're gonna die!"

RANDOM SHITE
Good RS this week. It really REALLY is. Not only because I said but because if you don't think so my friend Ray will punch your face in. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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15 PEOPLE BOUGHT A FLESHLIGHT VIA ORSM.NET YESTERDAY ALONE. THAT'S HOW GOOD THEY ARE!
SUPPORT ORSM. SUPPORT YOUR COCK - CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE!

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CRIMINAL RESPONSE

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
 
Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

 
UK POLICE OFFICER'S ANSWER
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed days and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
 
AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG!
 
AMERICAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

CRASHED

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A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynaecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

ORSM VIDEO

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the Receptionist was an unfriendly woman with the personality of a pit bull. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied... "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

MUMMY AND ME

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"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinson's."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved chemist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle - and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

ORSM VIDEO


Well fuck me drunk and throw faeces at a retard, it's time to go for another week. But before I do...

- Check out the site archives. They're a better read than the Koran.
- Next update will be next Wednesday... just jokes. Thursday. Always Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will abduct your girlfriend and force her to surf his website until she dies or boredom. Ray is too tough to care.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and can you please not look at me like that - it makes me feel uncomfortable. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.07.03-23.13

Welcome to Orsm.net. Fake.

We've had a few of those nights this week where it's been so cold you can just about hear testicles retracting all over town. This usually doesn't worry me. My testicles are small and it's hardly noticeable. Sleeping is an odd one though. The colder it is, the better I sleep. Electric blankets, heaters, thermal underwear etc are all for the weak but there's been a few times I've almost had to reconsider this manly strategy. Sometimes it doesn't matter how foetal you get or how high you pull the doona up, you're going to freeze.

Thankfully I've managed to remain illness free... so far anyway. There's some nasty shit going around and despite a touch of asthma my isolated and reclusive lifestyle is proving a winner. Memories of getting wiped out by mumps a year ago remain strong though. My neck was and throat were so swollen that I was scared to go to sleep for fear of dying from asphyxiation. Fun times... fun times.

Pretty sure someone had intentions of stealing or at least breaking into my car last Thursday... or maybe my house. It was update night so late to bed - around half one. A few minutes after I tuck myself in the dog [who sleeps inside] starts barking and going bananas pacing quickly from the back to the front of the house. She practically never barks after lights out unless she wants to be screamed at. Anyway I didn't worry too much about it and went to sleep. The next morning I went outside and found the side gate wide open so someone had definitely come in and obviously been scared off.

Honestly what would I do without a German Shep? More people should have them. Any bad guy hearing the bark isn't going to mistake it for a poodle. I've had it before when I lived at home. It was mid-morning, I was still asleep, the only one home and a group of guys came into rob the place. Got as far as my bedroom before they bailed. Scary stuff and our Cocker Spaniel wasn't much help...

As for the car... I learnt the hard way long ago not to leave anything valuable. Beyond that it's pretty much unstealable [to anyone that would actually want to knock it off] and even if they did, it's insured. Worst case scenario I end up with a brand new car.

While I'm on the subject of stolen cars... there was a crash on Friday night south of Perth which involved five boys - all cousins and brothers, all under-aged, all unlicensed. The car was stolen and four of them died in the wreck.

After seeing the grieving family on the news I came close to feeling sorry for them. Any loss of life is a sad thing right? But then more of the story comes out. It wasn't just a one off mistake. It wasn't even the first car they had stolen that night and they'd been nice enough to thank the owner for the 'loan' by torching it afterwards. And then they stole another one and then they died. Karma anyone?

One thing I did find a little surprising was the community response - the amount of people saying 'no sympathy', 'deserve what they get', 'better them than someone innocent' and so on. I guess we've hit that point where people are so sick and tired of this shit happening that opinions have become harsh...

Okay that'll do for the social commentary and I should probably get cracking with this update... unless you guys want a few more paragraphs of waffle...? Nup I didn't think so. Anyway check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Cheer Babes - Truth In Sex - Play Me - Is it Legal? - Granma's Dildo - IT Insanity - Crazy Slut - Latino Pussy - BJ's

Wii-kini Wow - PWNT!! - Kelly Brook - Great Arses - Bouncy Boobs - Lola Love - Denise - Homemade - Black Pimp

I Drunk - Guns Are Dangerous - Simpsons Quake - Tasty CamGurl - Jenna Jameson - Embarassing? - The Chuck

If anybody ever says that you are ugly, stupid and mentally slow... Fuck 'em! You can't help it!
--
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "B.J. Titsengolf""
--
A tourist parked his car in downtown Canberra. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What!?" the man huffed. "Do you realise that I am a member of the Australian Parliament?" "Well no..." the tourist said, "I didn't realise that but it's all right - I'll trust you anyway."

NIKKI BENZ
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TOP TIPS

COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Australia Post.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

HOME MAINTENANCE: You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

WAKING UP: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS: If it doesn't fit - get a bigger hammer.

CINEMA GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

BATHROOM: Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside department stores with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.

COLD: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a Naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto - a warm snack!

HOME MAINTENANCE: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

YOUNG MOTHERS: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

FEMALE SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

UP TO YOUR NECK IN IT
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull. She decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that, in her financial position, she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'."

PUNISHMENT IN IRAN
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
A recent study held by one of the big universities surveying 13 billion participants concluded that if you have not or do not submit to Orsm Reader Mail then you are without a doubt gay. It also found that 87% of respondents did not realise it. To rectify this it was suggested submitting ex or current girlfriend pictures, fucked up shit, cool shit, funny shit, random shit, jokes, videos - whatever. Pretty much anything you can squeeze down the internets. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Ra wrote:
Subject: Response to this reader mail
Hi, I thought I'd write a response to Daniel who felt it was appropriate to title his subject with "Stupid Indians" when referring to a photo in a shop window. Apart from the assumptions that it was placed by an Indian person when it may have been a person from any other country running the establishment, his racist slur was quite ill directed. I'm born in India, I have lived in Australia for over 18 years from the time of primary school. I bleed Australian blue. I'd like to remind Daniel that the so called "stupid indians" are the majority of the time in the top students academically here in Australia, I need not remind him about the numerous number of Indian engineers and doctors (minus Haneef and Patel) and all the various other educated professionals. I have personally seen the education standards of both countries at high school level and frankly, if the average Australian high school kid could spell the word, "prejudice", I'd be impressed and perhaps they should learn it before practising it. Let me also remind him that India will be one of the emerging world powers and it is a very likely possibility that with the increasing corporation juggernaut and globalisation, Daniel may well be working for a "Stupid Indian Company" that pays his wages. Let me also remind him that, with China and India being the world's largest populations in the world and with increasing migration to Australia, Daniel's mother, father, daughter, sister, niece, nephew, cousin etc, could end up with a Chinese or Indian person (wouldn't that annoy him). In the words of Russell Peters, "You can run but sooner or later we're going to have sex with you". Daniel might as well have left out the bit about the "stupid indians" and it wouldn't have changed the joke. Its like getting a photo of Schapelle Corby and family or the Bali 9 and writing "Stupid Australians" as a caption. Although we know they're Australian, the point is irrelevant that they're Australian, they are just plain stupid. In short, fuck you Daniel, you ignorant prick. :)

Hard to argue the Corby family point. What did her dad say? "I'm the kind of guy that goes to the shops for milk and doesn't come back for two weeks." Winner. Oh and Indian chicks are hot. Especially the ones that have the little cum target dot on their foreheads. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Charlton Heston's gun vault
Hows it going? Damn I love your site. You posted some pics up that show a private gun collection falsely labeled as Charlton Heston's. The guns actually belong to Bruce Stern. An attorney and Vietnam veteran, he was involved in a number of military and firearms related organizations. He was a member of the National Rifle Association (NRA) Board of Directors. Mr Stern passed away in July, 2007. A good portion of the collection was auctioned off not too long ago. The false info has been running around the net for a few months in a chain letter.
Mike wrote:
Subject: chapel or exit
Hey Mr. Orsm, attached is a pic from a friend of mine from her sister's wedding. Cheers
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Douching cream?
Hey Mr Orsm I found this in my housemate's bathroom and thought I should share it with the internet, although I'm not really sure whether this is "cream of douche" or "douching cream", and I don't think I want to know... Love the site, it gives me something to look forward to at the end of the week -- no details please.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: tits
This is the first time I am sending you something. These are pics of a dentist assistant I was fucking around with. Do not show my info. Hope you like them.
click to enlarge

Doc. wrote:
Subject: S.A Numberplate
Hey Champ, You have THE best sight on the web, and I eagerly await every update each week. Now that I've finished blowing smoke up your arse, I have a lilttle picture for you. You've probably had this submitted already but anyways. Saw this on a car in Nuriootpa, which in the Barossa Valley for the geographically challenged. Note the correct spelling too!

Everyone wants to be like... me. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Doug wrote:
Subject: dog balls
Hey orsm. I was reading "Scamp Learns a Lesson" to my little girl the other night and I came across this page. And I thought why is Jim grabbing Scamps balls, and why would we teach our children to grab a dogs balls?

Is anyone else turned on by this...? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jerry wrote:
Subject: phishing fail!
Hey Orsm, Love your site. I check it every Thrusday without fail. This one was found recently in my junk folder. If anyone fell for it, what can I say, they deserve it? That's all, have a good one mate....and err...withold my email please :D
click to enlarge
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Southwest airlines crash
This Flight from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank. The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear, right next to a gas station. But that's not the amazing part. Look at the picture below!
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Ty wrote:
Subject: Mikki
Hi Guys an Gals, These are from my last trip to Mexico. My mate hooked up with this Swedish chick who loves to drink. I came back to the hotel to find her passed out drunk on the floor with her smooth little pussy smiling at me as I came in to the room, so after a few little touches here and there to see if she would wake this was the end result and she still didn't even wake or even move at all. I have some more pics from a trip up the coastline that she joined us on where she was poppin her pussy and doing a few poses on the jeep when my mate had passed out. I will send next week.
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David wrote:
Subject: roll over
Hi Orsm, Got sent these pics today of a roll over. all caused by the dickhead driving the flattened car. lesson don't pull out infront of a truck.
click for gallery

Matey wrote:
Subject: No matter who you are....
No matter who you are.... your wife will give you hell for looking at other women...

If you're Becks you can probably have both. -Orsm

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D C wrote:
Subject: pics for reader mail
G'day mr orsm, heres some pics of a chick i picked up off the net from central vic. She sent me these pics, she's a psycho and a dud root, but she had a hot bod. please keep my details private. thanks and keep up the top work on a great site.
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Ang wrote:
Subject: Sandown Beer Truck
The XXX Gold Retreat.

Just what every party needs. -Orsm

click for gallery
Al G wrote:
Subject: Old Concept cars
Hellooooo ORSM, I always like to look back at what people thought was a good looking vehicle for the future and how (thank Gawd) they never came to be. Enjoy...........
click for gallery
wirthbrauhaus wrote:
Subject: Inspirational posters
Here are some inspirational posters i made up myself (haven't ever been published before). The pics themselves were all from free galleries on the net...
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click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf pics
this bitch really deserves the humiliation because she uses and takes advantage of guys and thinks she should not have to answer for anything that she does. i have seen that you already have one picture of her when she was younger on your self pics. i can point the picture out to you if you would like. i have known her since i was in school. in fact she was my first gf. please if you have any sympathy for men who are tired of skank bitches please do this. i have looked at your site for a long time now and i recommend it to everyone that i know. with these pics posted i will make sure and do so more than i already do. thanks. no i dont care to receive credit for submitting the pics. reason being is because while we were together she was sending me these pics but also sending them to the guys she was fucking behind my back. i will be eternally grateful if the make their way onto your site. thanks.

Austin wrote:
Subject: INGHAM CAR SHOW
Who needs a Bugatti Veyron W16 motor... just slap two V8's next to each other :-)

Great for picking the kids up from school. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: piss funny
hey orsm i got this off a co-worker that wanted me to put this on the net to further embarass his mate that is in the film. please hide my info cheers mate.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife
Here's a video of some recent bedroom fun with the wife. After fucking her for 20 minutes and making her cum 3 times on my cock, she got down there and sucked it clean before taking my load to the back of her throat. Please do not display my details. Great site... keep up the good work.
click to watch video
click to enlarge
Doak wrote:
Subject: Rough Seas on the USS Kitty Hawk! (talk about a wild ride)
This carrier is 90,000 ton. Imagine what this is like on a 2,200 ton destroyer? The aircraft seen in the attached video is a helo from a deployed helicopter squadron (HS-14) based at the U.S. Naval Air Facility in Atsugi, Japan. The carrier is the USS Kitty Hawk, based in Yokosuka, Japan. The 'Hawk' was underway for CQ (Airwing Carrier Qualifications) in the Sea of Japan during the week of March 22, 2008. The chopper seen on the ship's bow, tied down at helo Spot 2, is a Sikorsky SH-60F from HS-14. The pilot had just landed on deck, and his helo was tied down on Spot 2 because the seas were too rough to move it to a safer place. Fortunately, it only suffered some minor damage (blade crutch support socket) and a lot of salt water intrusion from the sea. While viewing the video, please remember that the carrier's flight deck is approximately 60' above the ship's normal water line.

Click for more awesomeness

RULES FOR DATING DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL

RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

ORSM VIDEO

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one Morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls". The Aussie said, "So what's wrong with them playing at fucking night then?"

DANI WOODWARD
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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

RANDOM SHITE
Killer RS this week. No seriously - it is. I asked with the old guy who walks past every day on his way to get a cask of wine. He checked with the guy at the bottle shop who goes out with the girl whose parents own the local Baskin Robins and their employees neighbour has apparently checked out Orsm a few times and thinks its rad. Check it.

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

THE THREE BEARS

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear arses downstairs and grace 'Mummy Bear' with your grumpy presence, listen CAREFULLY, because I'm going to say this once: I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me those first two pennies?"

LITTLE MISS BADUNKADUNK
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These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man, it's been a long time since we had some sex... so you oughta let me screw you." Joe replied, "Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt. We'll flip a coin and see who nails whom first."

Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.

Still having strong reservations, Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, "Moooooooo... Moooooo... Mooooon River..."

ORSM VIDEO


Okay. Thanks. Bye. Catch you soon. See you. Ciao. Bye.

- Check out the site archives. Just make sure you don't click any of the ads which help to keep this site free...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Teetering on Friday but still definitely Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hold his breath until you pass out.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy Fourth of July. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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