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July 2013...
orsmupdate 2013.07.25-21.01
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. We must regain the power of the cunt.

Laughable how far I am behind schedule sitting down to write this. Ballpark 5-6 hours at the mo. Hopefully by some miracle the words will flow, everything will fall into place and I'll be eating dinner before midnight. I'm borderline exhausted at the moment so fingers crossed everything that you guys will find below makes perfect sense. If not... well there's always next week...

So how did it get to this? I have a fair idea but it still makes no sense. Interruptions are standard for anyone's life but my current living situation carries with it a buttload. Where we're living has been under repairs for the last couple of months following a flood. Various trades have been busily hacking away returning old and damaged into old and less damaged. Actually... while I'm on that. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away I used to be a tradesman. Hated it because I was never as good at my job as I wanted to be. The wannabe perfectionist couldn't be. Safe to say almost all the trades who've been here clearly didn't share similar qualms. Standard of work is average at best. They either don't know, don't care or both and do the absolute minimum to get paid and get out. Anyway back to what I was saying - this week has been all quiet. No one's been here. Even the people we lodge with have taken off and the house is silent. Ideal conditions to sit down and be productive.... right? Nope.

There's been at least one meeting or appointment every day this week and each one has snatched at minimum 2 hours. My phone has not stopped and I can't switch it off because people need answers from me - this whole house build thing we've embarked on is out of control already and all that's been done are some minor earthworks and half a retaining wall. The concrete slab goes down in about 3 weeks and its balls to the wall making a million decisions because once its down there's "no changing your minds on anything". Going to be interesting once everything is fully underway. We haven't even scratched the surface yet.

While all this is going on my NAS [network attached storage] fucked itself. Same old story of wanting the data on the stupid thing back and took forever trying to diagnose the issue. Protip: don't buy Seagate. All 5 'enterprise' drives in the NAS have died over the last 5 years. To make things just that little bit more cunty, my PC is still randomly freezing and Explorer constantly crashing. Cannot fix it no matter what I try so only way to rectify is to reinstall Windows but seriously who has the time for that?

Am at that point I wouldn't mind a holiday. Sometime October or November or perhaps October AND November sounds perfect but no fucking idea how we could fit it in or for that matter pay for it. Urgh. All that said, all the annoyances, interruptions, the lack of sleep, the bitter cold... shit could be worse. It's the middle of winter right now and this is the sunset we got today.

Still got some space to fill so why not an ultra-fast wrap up of weekendly activities? Beginning with Saturday which began with some motherfucking eggs at a deserted café. Food was sensational so why it was deserted remained a mystery... at least until the insano stomach cramps and accompanying poop arrived half an hour later. From there we went off to do house stuff - get info and dimensions and brochures we'll never read. Next up was a grandma visit, a parent's visit and a supermarket visit before picking up the massage lady on the way home. It's an uninteresting story how we know her but what's important is she's third-world cheap and "no speak English". When it was finally my turn I spent a solid 2 minutes gesturing the do's and dont's - namely do my back, shoulders, neck, arms. Don't do my legs. She seemed to understand. I lay down, she spends the first hour massaging my legs and 20 on my back. Aaaand done. "Okay mister?" "Errr... good. Bagus". Now I know why people burn their maids with hot irons.

Sunday was somewhat relaxed. Had best intentions to make my own motherfucking eggs but our makeshift mum took care of biz. Winning. Headed outside to wash the car which'd been trashed in last week's super storm before being roped into helping disassemble I don't even know what it was. Maybe a bird cage. Once all that was done I was off on a mission. My appetite has been out of control after quitting the cigs and now I'm addicted to a particular brand and flavour of rice cracker. It took 3 malls and 4 supermarkets to find them. Did my good deed for the day there too. A girl in front of me was trying to buy a Coke. Looked like she was having a shitty day made worse when the transaction declined for insufficient funds on her card. So I offer to pay for it. She says no. I insist. She accepts and says 'thanks' about a million times. There are 2 reasons I don't like doing shit like that [ie. charity]. 1) I dislike acknowledgment or praise. 2) chance that the person will take offence.

Spent the rest of the day catching up with friends a bit differently to how we usually would - exercise. A stroll with them, their dog and 2 kids around a lake. Great way to wind out the weekend and coincidentally the pile of words you've just read through. And now we can do the rest of the update. Really don't want to oversell it but this puppy is fucking stellar. Check it...

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Assassin - Cunty Bitch - Thong Swing - Awkwarrrd - VERY Quick - Whor-iffied - Douchebags - Miley Vagina - Drunk MILF

Mork Porn - Tripping Balls - Fighting Satan - Extreme Sex - Just Strange - Amaza-kini - Hissy Fit - So F-ing Gay

CRINGE - Oh The Pain - Whaaat? - Topless - Wasted BJ - Nude Nerd - Text Book! - Big Eddie - Dumbass - God Damn

A black kid asks his mother "Mama, what's democracy?" "Well, son, that's when white folks work every day so we black folks can get all our benefits, you know, like free cell phones, rent subsidy, food stamps, all kinds of grants, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and the list goes on and on… you know". "But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, but that's called racism!"
--
The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce. They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing. Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work. Bob seems to be okay but Floyd checks his place out to see if anything is out of the ordinary, just in case. Everything looks fine except for one thing - a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him. "Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?" "Oh, that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR".
--
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer". So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
--
So the company that manufactured Thalidomide has finally apologised to victims. I know a few people who won't be applauding.
--
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?" Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

ORSM VIDEO


THE BEST [AND MOST INSANE] REASONS WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG...

-Being gay is not natural... real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, birth control and air conditioning.

-Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay... in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

-Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behaviour... people may even wish to marry their pets because a cat has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

-Marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all... women are property, marriages are arranged in childhood, blacks can't marry whites, Catholics can't marry Jews, divorce is illegal, and adultery is punishable by death.

-Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed... the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour-just-for-fun and Kim Kardashian's 72-day-highly-profitable marriage would be destroyed.

-Straight marriages are valid because they produce children... gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

-Gay parents will raise gay children... since straight parents only raise straight children.

-Gay marriage is not supported by religion... in a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion.-If we look to the word of God, His punishment for sexual immorality is equal to that of murder... therefore, teaching kids to tolerate homosexuality is equal to teaching them to tolerate murder.

-Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home... that's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

-Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms... just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy (insurance, banking, education, etc), suburban malls, or longer life spans.

-Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts... because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

-Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional... separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

-There is no separation between religious marriage and legal marriage... because there is no separation of church and state.

-Devout, faithful Anglicans should never accept same-sex marriage, because it is an affront to traditional family values.... the same ones upheld by Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon, and his wife, Anne Boleyn, and his wife, Jane Seymour, and his wife, Anne of Cleves, and his wife, Catherine Howard, and his wife, Catherine Parr. They all knew the meaning of marriage and none of them lost their heads over the matter.

-Married gay people will encourage others to be gay... in a way that unmarried gay people do not.

-Legalising gay marriage will lead to legalising dog marriage. This can be inferred from the history of other political initiatives for gender equality... for example, when American women got the right to vote in 1920, it led to terriers voting in 1925, and when Title IX was passed in 1972 to prevent sex discrimination in any federally-funded school, resulting in the creation of athletic opportunities for girls, it led to Bichon Frises on the basketball court during the Reagan administration.

-Legalising gay marriage will open the door to legislative change in general... which could possibly include the legalisation of polygamy, incest, and unmuzzled pit bulls.

-Legal marriage will inspire gays to mimic straight traditions, such as spiritual commitment ceremonies and celebratory parties... which is currently impermissible for them to do and which they have never done before.

-Marriage is designed to protect the well-being of children... gay people do not need marriage because they never have children from prior relationships, artificial insemination, surrogacy, or adoption.

-A man should not be able to marry whomever a woman can marry, and a woman should not be able to marry whomever a man can marry... because in this country we do not believe in gender equality.

-If gays marry, some of straight people's tax dollars would end up supporting families whose structure they may find morally objectionable... clearly, it is more just to continue taking gay people's tax dollars to support straight families, who are going to heaven regardless of what anyone else thinks of them.

-Gays should hold off on the marriage question until society is more accepting of them... because they are not part of society.

-The people's voice must be heard on this issue, therefore we must have a vote on a federal constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage... because we can't think of any other way to discuss the issue.

-Gay marriage attempts to replace natural heterosexual instinct with a cultural institution... morality demands that we subordinate institutionalised commitment to raw, unfettered, biological impulse.

-Gay marriages could very well suffer maladies like domestic violence and substance abuse.... that's why we invented the Quality Control department to pre-approve the righteousness of all marriage applicants.

-Those who support gay marriage aim to overthrow the dominant culture... as evidenced by their enthusiasm to participate in it.

-If the state performs gay marriages, Christians might become more liberal and divide into more mutually opposed parties... since the government is an arm of the church and is responsible for keeping the peace in Christian leadership councils, it should not get involved with gay marriage.

-After gay marriage was legalised in Scandinavian countries in 2004, more heterosexual couples realised they wanted to live together and bear children without marrying first. Banning gay marriage is a good way to prevent this practice... as is banning independent thought and mandating straight marriage by age 21.

-Heterosexual marriage was invented in the Biblical book of Genesis. Written somewhere between 1500 and 500 BCE... Genesis came as a great relief to people in many cultures, such as China, who, prior to 1500 BCE, sat around waiting for the Mesopotamians to invent the family unit.

-Gay marriage would allow more partners and children to sign onto the family breadwinner's healthcare plan... given that 44 million Americans do not have health insurance, it is safe to say that health insurance is not an American value.

-The possibility of getting a gay marriage might encourage some married heterosexuals to divorce and seek a gay union instead... these marriages were obviously happy and successful, and the justices who provide gay second marriages should be charged with alienation of affection.

-Gay marriage may hurl the populace into existential crisis and cause spontaneous divorces. Divorce triggers our moral haemorrhaging, but we will keep it legal. It is easier to seek the criminalisation of gay marriage than the criminalisation of divorce... particularly because most of us have had a few divorces.

-Gay marriage is tainted because some of the applicants might be divorcees marrying for the second time. We oppose remarriage, and would like to ensure that no one marries more than once... therefore we will oppose the entire institution of marriage, to ensure that no one ever marries at all. That casts the net wide enough to catch all the would-be second-timers.

-The arguments for gay marriage are flawed because Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry has made inconsistent statements about gay marriage... and he is known for his consistency on other issues.

-Children of married gay couples might suffer bullying and teasing more often than children of unmarried gay couples... because playground bullies are sensitive to the nuances of contract law.

-God created the institution of marriage... just after he created 2.9% automobile financing, student loans, taxes and divorce.

-We must defer to the President's opinion on gay marriage... since the Republican Party was given its authority by God.

-In San Francisco, where renegade officials have been marrying same-sex couples for a while now, experts suggest that the city may suffer an earthquake in about ten years... geological experts, that is. But good Christians don't recognise the opinion of Earth scientists, who falsely claim the Earth is 4.5 billion years old; they get their seismic information from their preachers, who say the earthquake's coming next week.

-Allowing same-sex marriage could increase gay public displays of affection... because marriage has historically been proven to stimulate couples' interest in sex.

-Making civil marriage available to same-sex couples could spur the wedding industry... and businesses would sure hate to pay taxes on all that profit.

-Straight men are opposed to gay marriage because they would prefer that gay men try to be straight and compete with them for access to women... thus trimming down the pool of eligible dates to make courtship more challenging and exciting.

-Gay marriage is wrong because children might be led to think that it is right and that would clearly be wrong.

LOOOOOVE ME SOME VAGINA...

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In a press conference held by Indian politician Sushma Swaraj (a national leader of repute) was answering questions in true political style - in an unnecessarily longwinded manner.

The journalist, growing somewhat impatient, pressed for a yes or no answer to his question. Of course Swaraj continued to add an explanation instead of the wanted yes or no. The journalist finally lost his cool and shouted - "I NEED A YES OR NO!!"

Swaraj, considered to be one of the more eloquent speakers in Indian politics, took a moment and replied "Not every question has a yes or no response".

"YES... it can. Every question can have a yes or no - if asked in the right manner, which I have", responded the journalist.

"Alright" she said "In that case - have you stopped beating your wife?"

ORSM VIDEO


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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded "I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality".

"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?" "Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos... but my friends call me Paddy".

HOT SEXY FREAKS

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot". "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn!"

The second English-man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you".

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right... that bastard is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".

The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your mates were trying to tell me!" says the Irihman.

SATIVA ROSE

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READER MAIL

If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down forever] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have to do is click here. It really is that simple.

Gordon wrote:
Subject: Johnny Depp
'lo Orsm,I read with interest Johnny Depp legendary tipper. About a year ago I was surfing internet for Eddy Vedder and found he and Natalie Maines (Dixie Chicks singer) doing a couple of very fine duets (type "Golden state" by the two). I was curious and delved further and discovered that Depp,Vedder & Maines were involved in having 3 men released from prison after long incarcerations for the murder of 3 8yo boys, which they did not do. One of the boys stepfather was found guilty later. I can't remember the state but it's quite a good read.

James William wrote:
Subject: Order
I Am James William and I would like to order some of your Tripod Ladders Size 14' or this Size 16' what would be the Price for one including taxes.. and i believe you have the products available and do accept all major credit cards. please advise.? Thank you and waiting for your reply.

Can only assume Google brought him here with the whole 'cut me off at the knees and call me tripod thing"... -Orsm

Phill wrote:
Subject: Shopping Trolley thing on Random Shite
Most of my US brethren won't understand that one. In the UK and presumably Australia too - Mr Orsm, please correct me if I'm dru. wrong, in order to get a shopping cart (they call 'em trollies there and the back wheels spin just like the fronts), you have to slide a coin into the slot to unlock the chain. If you want your coin back, you take your cart back and rechain it. Why nobody in the States is doing this is beyond me. I'm sick of dodging carts that have been abandoned in parking spaces and where-ever else the lazy fucks have chozen.
richard wrote:
Subject: Scaremongery or fact ?
Hi Mr orsm, Big fan of your site, have been for a few years. i saw your post regarding "The English Way & We Soon Will Follow!! Wake UP Everyone!!!" Unfortunately i have to report that this actually happens, i am british born a bred but am ashamed to say it's true but our spineless government won't do anything about it

Janus wrote:
Subject: Thanks for your awesomeness
I've been checking into your site for quite a while now. It's a lovely collection of things from the Internet. =D I wanted to share something with you. I'm getting married in about a month, and I've promised my fiance that I'd stay in chastity until that day. I've started a blog about my experience with male chastity and I thought it might be interesting for you. If not, then feel free to disregard this message. Keep doing what you do.

WHY JANUS WHY? It's not something you should wait for. Access immediately! -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The real news of Perth
Hey mate. came across this. It's a blog that seems to be an independent news source. funny as fuck. hid my details. here is a link to the best story!

Never being breast fed was the least of his problems. -Orsm

Rob wrote:
Subject: Headline News Nip Slip
Hey there ... I was just checking out the headlines when I came across this story. Something caught my eye ... a NIPPLE !! A real cute one too! Gotta love it when a national network shows a nipple in the main picture for their story. Have a good one!

Close and careful examination confirms that it is indeed a nipple. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Proof.
Apparently, God plays WordsWithFriends and is sick of being called "Allah." Hide the details, because Muslims can't take a joke...
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Realism ....

Seems about right. -Orsm

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Michael wrote:
Subject: Dirty Thoughts
LUSH Switzerland invites to blow bubbles with the help of their index finger, thumb and mouth. Clever.

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Alex wrote:
Subject: Won on a scratchy
But did the scratchy win?
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Emailing
E Bay Deal [eBay link here]

Screenshotted because the page will disappear sooner or later... and because I'm a great guy. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Comparison
Non- smokers lungs compared to a smokers lungs. Disgusting. Quitters lungs can repair to completely healthy in 10-15 years.

Either way, they both died. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Zimmerman jury
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wayne wrote:
Subject: My 50 Year old girlfriend
Shes not bad for 50 huh ?

Really hard to answer without seeing the front... -Orsm

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Joe wrote:
Subject: I thought you would appreciate this one.
Take a look at the message around the license plate. Keep up the good work.

I don't know... who? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Trolls are real
Found this on the net, laughed my ass off. She could also pass as Fiona, Shreks wife!!! Please hide my details. Cheers!
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Asiana 214 removal from site
Some good shots of interior and seat displacements.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The dangers of a cheap gun??????? It's been a very sore charge ...

Did seeing these pics make anyone else hungry? -Orsm

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Shags wrote:
Subject: What OLDER people DO!
This is what OLDER people do during the day with their spare time! The bicycle in the bathroom, the book barrier, the chair hanger and some of the other coat racks are brilliant. Who says that older people still can't contribute?

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Durby wrote:
Subject: Forehead Tat
We were sitting around toking some good green Bub and this chic says. If you let me put this on you're forehead, I'll do it topless. Can you guess what my answer was :-)
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Somewhere in Thailand
A resort and restaurant called Cabbages and Condoms...

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot Pics
Hi dude, a few snaps off a girl i know.. not bad titties & a cutesie little minge too..Withhold details n keep up the good work.. love this site..
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ever stop and think about it..
all the stuff my iphone repalced

Love to see a redo of this pic in 20 years. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Scintillating Unique Photos

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Gordon on food

These Gordon Ramsay ones are my favourite. Send em if you got em. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dogs!
how could you not love dogs... gee i have no idea
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click for gallery click to watch video

Krystal wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pics and a video...

Good god damn tits. -Orsm

Bill wrote:
Subject: To help stop Palestinian protests
Just gimme the Glad Garbage Bag concession, that's all I'll need! Wonder if it comes in 'camel' flavor??? Leave it to Israel to come out with this! The only drawback is that it probably doesn't smell much worse than some of the protestors... Absolutely ingenious!!!! It's one of those, "why didn't we/they think of this before?" So simple, safe & brilliant......and still they complain. Let them not continuously protest with rocks and we'll keep the skunk tamed. Effective and safe... and of course... they complain... And, no one gets hurt........
click to watch video

Brian wrote:
Subject: tried to steal from the wrong woman
This guy thought it would be easy to grab the girls mobile phone and go. Wrong, he has made a big mistake picking on this girl and suffers the pain....

"Don't touch my phone while I'm Instagramming, fucker!" -Orsm

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie. Grandpa asked "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me".

ORSM VIDEO


A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks. "I think I'm having a heart attack!" cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten bitch!" she screams "My husband's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!"

AMUSING PROTESTER SIGNS

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she rushed over to the table and said to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly "No he didn't... he just walked in the door".

RANDOM SHITE

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A young ventriloquist is touring around the countryside. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this buddy! I'm talking to that little prick on your lap!!"

FILTHY DIRTY HIPPIES... SOME ARE ACTUALLY KINDA HOT...

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start". This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts!". "That's it!" She blows her top "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh bugger... it's started ".

ORSM VIDEO


Well... that is all.

-Check out the site archives and find the path to enlightenment.
-Next update will be next Thursday or thereabouts.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will propose something absurd...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaaaand seeya. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.07.18-19.51
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Is it possible to say 'carpe diem' without immediately saying 'seize the day' straight after?

So it's pretty cold at the moment. I have deduced this not because it's almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning, or because I'm perpetually wearing 5 layers of clothing, or because the beanie never comes off my balded head, or because my knuckle skin is cracking, or because the thought of morning exercise is too much to bear, or even because my testicles have been retracted for quite some time, or any of a bunch of other things... no... I know its cold because everyone keeps saying "It's so cold!". Matter of fact it's being said with such frequently that I'm starting to wonder if everyone is saying it in case no one else had realised. "Man it's cold" "Holy fuck I had not noticed... better get out of this ice bath and cancel the beach day". Does make me wonder though about people who live in actual cold places. Do you complain? Is there a difference between minus 10 and minus 20? Does everyone get whiny when it's warm?

Moving on. I'm just so excited about the royal baby! Wish it would hurry up and come out so there can be even more media coverage! Also can we please mercy kill Nelson Mandela. Feel like we'd be doing the poor guy a huge favour.

Moving on some more. Prepare yourselves now as I rip through events of my relatively uneventful and perhaps a somewhat mundane week. Matter of fact feel free to scroll down a tad to where the good shit starts. Otherwise...

Saturday was go from the word go. First stop chiropractor. An interesting thing has happened lately. All my jeans are shorter, my ankles are colder. Took me a while to figure out and the chiro confirmed that after months of clicking stuff my posture has improved thus the shorter jeans. All well and good but means up until now I've been getting around like some sort of ape and no one bothered saying anything. Mates.

Headed off to meet my aunt and uncle afterward in an attempt to buy them breakfast as a thanks for usage of their shack the weekend before. I say attempt because they beat me to the cheque. Good to have good family. Was afternoon by the time we finished. Next on the agenda was a couple of hours with the builder [parent, male] making decisions on our may-finally-start-construction-one-of-these-days house. Then came the realisation that our attempt to save money by doing various stuff ourselves is going to be harder than initially thought. For instance I don't really care what style door frames are used but someone has to decide... and when something like that is your call it's important to have all the information. That's where it gets complicated. Tonnes of door frame suppliers around and each has countless styles. Finding one we like is only half the problem because it then has to be within the budget. And so on. Then imagine having to do that for everything in a house: door handles, window frames, floor coverings, taps, wall colours... the very, very long list goes on. Anyone who's gone through the building process will know this as 'pre-start'. The difference is you're usually given a starting point. We don't have one.

The highlight of my year came later in the day. Got my hands on the second most awesome car I've ever driven - an Audi R8. Tempting not to drive off into the sunset and never come back. If you have the means I highly recommend picking one up.

Slow relaxed start to Sunday before getting out of the house. Destination hardware store to grab some bits and pieces amidst complaints of "Why do I have to go? Why can't you go by yourself?" Funny considering the complainer went on to find a bunch of interesting things and maybe didn't want to leave in the 15 minute time limit. From there it was city bound to yum cha. Ended up arriving half an hour before they opened so wandered down the street, happening upon a church service. I've never done church before. Not for anything that wasn't a wedding or funeral anyway. So we go inside and stand in the doorway watching the congregation on their feet, hands pointed skyward, eyes closed, singing along with the band. Holy Spirit and all that. Make an exit when they offer us a seat and the donation tins come out. We walk back towards the yum cha place to queue up with a growing number of people when a lady walks up to us and -very loudly- asks if she just saw us at the church. Goes on to -very loudly- say it's a great church and we are welcome there any time. Then makes a point of -very loudly- saying she'd forgotten her wallet in the car and hadn't been able to donate when called upon by the Lord. What an idiot. Thanks for publically announcing I was at church. Would liken this to forcing a gay person out of the closet... and that aint cool. So why does it fuck me off? Because [whether it's the case or not] when *I* hear someone is churchgoer it immediately conjures a picture of someone too mindless to make their own decisions.

Spotted the quadruple whammy on the way home later: Asian. Female. Learner. Volvo driver.

The rest of the day was leisurely. Baked some diabetes inducing cookies, washed the car, watched the Eagles vs Dockers derby and made dinner. Really just the perfect way to end a weekend.

Alright clowns. No more waffling blog bullshit. No more excuses. No more waiting. The time is now. Let's do this. Check it...

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Frank 'n Slime - Anime Babes - Undercover Honda - Disgruntled - Lucky Day - No Mobile :-( - Pls STFU - Brazil Gangbang

Hawt Babe - Good Boy! - Ridiculous - Musta Hurt - Robbery Fail - Get Out!! - Crack Shot - Bitch! - Free BJ - Sweet Jugs

No Boundaries - Hilarious - Crazy Ho - Mandy Dee - InstaFag - Very F-ing Low - Abused - Do It!! - Foolish - Jizz Monster

Accordion to a recent scientific survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
--
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?" The woman screamed... "No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard". The tramp turned to leave and said "No problems, I'll just go wait at the bottom then".
--
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or plane?
--
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster. The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock".
--
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life AND I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me!" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".

ORSM VIDEO


GOOD TIPPERS

-A generous couple made single mum and waitress Kristen Ruggiero's day when they left her a 1,000% tip - $458 for a $42 meal!

-Another waitress was given an even more amazing tip: $12,000 left in a pizza box! With five kids, that money would have really helped... but when she reported the money to the police (just in case it was a mistake), they decided to hold on to the money because it smelled like drugs.

-An anonymous couple, regulars at a Houston restaurant, left a waiter a $5,000 tip after his car was destroyed in a storm. The waiter wants to treat it as a loan, but either way it's awfully sweet.

-A Rhode Island waitress and single mum of three who has worked in the same restaurant for the last 15 years. One day last year, a couple came in and ordered a pizza, a salad and couple of beers only to settle their $42 bill by leaving $500 on the table.

-A waiter at a Houston Italian café had regularly waited on one particular couple for eight years when they handed him fifty $100 bills. The man told him to "Go buy yourself a car". The instructions weren't just random - the couple knew he'd recently lost his car when it was flooded in a recent thunderstorm.

-Johnny Depp is a tipping god. Whilst working on a film he visited a nearby steakhouse many times and on one evening, he and his group rolled in at 11:30pm and stayed for three hours while they ordered bottle after bottle of $500 wines. When they left, Depp left the serve a $4000 tip for his efforts.

-This story was the basis of the movie It Could Happen to You. In 1984, a detective was a regular at local pizzeria for eight years. The waitress waited tables there six nights a week for 24 years, he and the waitress got to know each other pretty well. One day when Robert was settling his tab, he asked the waitress if she'd be interested in splitting a lottery ticket with him instead of receiving a tip. She agreed and helped him choose the numbers. Robert called her a few days later to let her know he just won $6 million dollars and that half of that was hers.

-History repeated in 1995 when an auto parts worker in Toronto left a lottery ticket as a tip for his favourite waitress. He asked her to let him know if she won anything and she agreed to share any prizes from the ticket. A few days later, the ticket ended up being worth $184,700, meaning both parties got a cool $92,350.

-If you're a celeb and you're going to become a regular at a place, be like Dan Akyrod. According to one waitress, when the star visits her Syracuse restaurant he regularly leaves either $100 or 50 percent of tab, whichever is larger.

-While running for office, Barack Obama left a 900 percent tip while grabbing a beer at bar in North Carolina. He paid for a $2 beer with a twenty and told the bartender to keep what was left over.

-One waiter reports that not only is Bill Murray a big tipper - reportedly throwing down a 120 percent tip on top of a $60 check - but he's also helpful. He showed the waiter how to make lemon wedges juicier by rolling the lemon on the cutting board prior to slicing it.

-When Charlie Sheen's daughter Cassandra had her Sweet Sixteen, Sheen decided to show off his generous side by slipping event staff a cool $200 each.

-David Beckham stopped at a bar with some LA Galaxy teammates where the gang had a few beers and snacks. After racking up a $100 tab, Beckham simply added a zero to the total bill, tipping the waitress an extra $900.

-A regular café customer saw her waitress having trouble with patrons at a nearby table and decided to help pay for the service-related headache. She left a $446 tip on her bill of $5.97. That's a very sweet 7,471%.

VINTAGE NUDISTS

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc but to no avail.

The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line "How much for a ride to the airport" he asked? "Fifteen bucks" came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "WHAT?! Get the hell out of my cab".

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks". The businessman said "Okay" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

ORSM VIDEO


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A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organisers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke the organisers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organisers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before" said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?" "Easy" said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic"...

BEER BELLY GIRLS

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A teacher to a class of 8 year olds is trying to get their imaginations going one day so she says to them "Okay class, now if you could cover your body in anything in the world what would it be and why?"

So a lad puts his hand up and goes "Silver, Miss because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a Volkswagen Golf just like my mum's got".

Another lad puts his hand up and says "Gold, Miss, because then I could scrape it all off and buy myself a BMW just like my uncle's".

The teacher is looking very impressed by these ideas when little Johnny (well it had to be really) puts his hand up and shouts "Pubic hair, teacher".

"Why on earth would you want to do that Johnny?" enquires the teacher. Johnny replies "Well, my big sister's only got a tiny amount on her body and you should see all the fucking cars outside our house!"

CELEB NIP SLIPS
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ORSM VIDEO


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ORDER IN THE COURT

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

YOU DIRTY GIRL... GO CLEAN YOURSELF UP!
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks "What are you in here for?" The second kid says "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid".

The first kid says "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze".

The second kid then asks "What are you here for?" The first kid says "Circumcision".

"Whoa!" the second kid replies "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year".

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time so off he went to the Doctor.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. He stood the midget up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor. He then put his finger under the right testicle and asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again as he reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look but couldn't believe that the snipping didn't hurt!

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see how his testicles felt now. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his 'boys' were no longer aching.

The doctor asked "How does that feel now?" The midget said "Perfect Doc. I didn't even feel it. What did you do? The doctor said: "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots".

URBAN ART

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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said 'Here, try these on'. She did and said 'These are too big. I can't wear them'. I replied 'Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will". Ever since that night, we have never had any problems!"

"Hmmm" said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

The big day comes and goes and before you know it, Mike is on his honeymoon. Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here, try these on!" She tries them on and says "These are too large. They don't fit me". Mike said "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said "Here, you try on mine!" Mike did and said "I can't get into your panties". Karen said "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will".

RANDOM SHITE

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now". "I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and do you, he'll wake up, won't he?" "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his butt and see if that wakes him".

Charlie did just that and he was amazed when the husband remained asleep.

So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and screwed her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.

It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's arse hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my butt for a scoreboard!"

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS...

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat!"

The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat!"

ORSM VIDEO


All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.

-Check out the site archives. Lots of boobs and cunts I assure you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do I ever let you guys down?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will lose heaps of weight and laud it over you... even if you're already thinner thinner than him and were never fat in the first place.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and SSSSHHHHHHH! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.07.11-19.24
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Do it for the wrong reasons.

Some updates have a natural proclivity towards not happening. Or not wanting to happen. So what happens instead? Listen and I'll tell you... a whole bunch of seemingly unconnected events quietly collude, tricks are played and I'm lulled into a false sense of security over the week and by the time Thursday rolls around its "This is fucker is never gonna happen" It's all just so cunty and it's all because of the self-imposed Thursday deadline.

The main factor here is the phone. Have complained about it in this bloggy bit many times before but let's put it into perspective... from Monday until now [Thursday] it has rung an un-fucking-believable 44 times. Forty-four. Four-four. Some of you will probably laugh because your phone rings that many times a day or whatever but bear in mind, out of all of those, one solitary call was 'work' related - some unsolicited Indian bro in the middle of the night trying to sell me development services or something. Everything else was social, personal, PC advice or house related. Dear everyone I know - just because I don't leave the house during the day doesn't mean I have time for lengthy calls.

Electricity remains retardingly annoying too. It's winter. It's cold. My little foot heater runs almost constantly. When the kettle or microwave goes on at the same time though, the breaker trips and takes my computers out. This happening a dozen or more times in the last however long finally appears to have fucked something and random freezes force a reset. Can't say for sure how much work I've lost - it's a lot but at least my feet and balls are warm.

Thankfully however not all is wrong with the world. I have this thing about never asking for favours. Okay 'never' may be a stretch and god knows I'm owed a few but I hate doing it. Somewhere in the deepest and least understood parts of my brain there's a little voice which reminds me not to owe anyone anything for fear of having it lauded over me forever. There was a Seinfeld ep about the same thing. Anyway... over the summer break we went to visit extended fam at their holiday place. It's basically a just a shack... on a canal... right next to the ocean. Long story short - the offer was we're welcome to use it whenever we like. 6 months later the GF says why don't we, I say I feel funny asking... she called without me knowing and next thing you know we're making the one hour drive south.

I've spent years bashing this particular coastal city. Memories of the idyllic little holiday destination when I was a little kid are just that now. It's much larger and somewhere along the line became a magnet for a tragic breed of people who seem to mostly congregate at the local shopping centre. Bad tattoos, antisocial hairstyles, wife-beater singlets, flip-flops and "I'll fuckin' stab ya cunt" glares are all par for the course. Yes, I am incredibly judgemental and live to mock. Funnily though, once you get away from that part it isn't all bad. One might even change their opinion...

A bunch of house related meetings and various other annoyances made sure we didn't head down until Friday evening. Grabbed some pizza and settled in. The rest of the weekend was much the same. Walked to some café for a late breakfast, walked around town, spent the next few hours relaxing at the house, walked to the cinema, walked back. Didn't use car the whole time. Wasn't in a rush to be anywhere. No stress. Very chilled. Very relaxing. And that was pretty much it whole weekend. Can only wonder if a lifetime of not asking and rarely accepting offers was essentially just spiting myself. Suppose all I can say now is if you have a holiday house somewhere - give me the keys!

Okay bastards let's stop the waffling and get on with a brand new update. Is this one good? Of course it is but how about you be the judge? Check it...

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Addictive - Firestarter - Epic Hawt - Nom-lette - Murderess - Defender - Well Done! - Humiliation - Dominican Red

I'd Hit It - F-ing Gross - Lost Connie - U Suck! - Bath Bate - Delish-ass - Boobage - Kinda Stupid - Uh Oh - Cum Cookie

Raaaage - Stone Hot - Disturbing - Hot Ginga - Asscrobatics - F-Bomb - Porn Whore - Fascinating - Facials - 10 Secs

Riddle me this [don't Google it!]: What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it
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Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula "I think I'm going to see a dietician". Paula asked "Why?" Rosey answered "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Paula said "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
--
So this dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98" the butcher replied. A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
--
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "You're going to have to look forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies". "Why? Am I pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies "You've got bowel cancer".
--
Man teasing his ex-wife's new husband. "Mate how's the second hand fanny?" New husband says "It's great thanks... after the first 3 inches, it's fuckin brand new...!!

ORSM VIDEO


BAD CUSTOMERS by WAITERS & WAITRESSES

-So this group comes in and tells my friend who was in an adjacent section that there are 8 of them, but they want separate checks because they don't want to pay the gratuity! So he happily splits the checks for them, they happily pay and leave him whatever tip they feel is fine. What they don't know is that he added gratuity to each separate check so they wound up paying more than 15%... serves them right!

-The only time I have ever considered refusing service to a customer was one busy Saturday night when a gentleman, upon sitting down, proclaimed that he was pissed off that he had to wait an hour for a table, so I better do a good job. Then, after ringing up a $60 dollar tab, he stiffed me. Perhaps I didn't do a good job of making up to him the discomfort his decision to wait caused him?

-Our most infamous customers at the restaurant I work are the 'corn dog people'. The name comes from the fact that they insisted we needed to serve corn dogs. For months they griped about us not having corn dogs (in a Mexican restaurant). Finally the manager ordered some damn corn dogs to make them happy. It is even on the menu now. They come in often and NEVER order corn dogs!

-Me: "Would you like to start with something to drink?" Her: "Yes, I'll have a Stoli and tonic mixed together with no fruit". Me: "Did you want that on the rocks?" Her: "No- Stoli and tonic mixed together" Me: "On the rocks?" Her: "No... no fruit" Me: "Sure" I bring back a Stoli and tonic with no fruit *NOT ON THE ROCKS* Her: "No no no... you got it wrong... I want Stoli and tonic with ice" Me: "Oh... I thought you said you didn't want it on the rocks...?" Her: "I DON'T want it on the rocks I want it with ICE!"

-A guy came in one evening with his horrible kids and orders two kids' meals and a clubhouse sandwich. You know, a typical three decker clubhouse sandwich, served exactly as it is in any other restaurant on earth. Naturally, they were in "a really big hurry" but everything went alright until the waitress [this didn't even happen in my section] brought out his sandwich. He just started freaking out, making a scene and almost shouting. The waitress serving him was relatively new but she did her best asking if she could get him anything else etc. I went over to his table and said "I heard you were having some trouble and wanted to know if I could get you anything else?" He started freaking on me about how his sandwich was too big. He just kept on saying "How am I supposed to get my mouth around this? What kind of a place would make a sandwich this big? You're feeding me as if I was a dog! How am I supposed to eat this? Is your management here?" The rant lasted five minutes before I asked him again. He got this whiny, martyred look on his face and said "No, my appetites ruined" before paying only for the kid's meals and storming out.

-A party of four came in and wanted nothing to drink, just four glasses of ice. Uhhh okay then. Then one of them proceeded to pull a 2 litre bottle of soda out of her bag and pour it all around.

-Our restaurant's policy is to add a 15% gratuity to parties of eight or more. On more than one occasion I have had customers call me over to tell me that I made a mistake on the bill because they "Di'nt order no gratootie".

-A guest ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, which if you didn't know, includes about five shots of liquor, and proceeded to chug it down like it was a glass of water. She then called the server over and said that there was something wrong with her drink because she was "feeling woozy".

-"Excuse me, could you get my waiter". This was said to me after I have already brought out drinks, took the order and brought out their food.

-This is the funniest thing I have ever had happen. I had a guy come in who wanted a cheeseburger without cheese. Now the plain hamburger is less of a cost than a cheeseburger, and I charged for a hamburger, since he wanted no cheese it was obviously not a cheeseburger. Then he starts bitching and yelling when his bill comes saying he ordered a cheeseburger. I say "Sir, you ordered it without cheese, that makes it a hamburger and the cost is less". Nope he has to bitch about how I did it wrong, so finally to shut him up I just charged him for the damn cheeseburger.

-We have a large crowd come in for Sunday breakfast, especially between 9:30 and 11:30 a.m. The policy of the restaurant is that if there is going to be more than five or six people you should call and make a reservation to be assured seating. On this one particular morning we had two reservations for fairly large parties. We had just finished setting up the tables when a lady and her family of like ten came in. We had a packed dining room with only one or two tables open. She demanded to be seated, and when the hostess explained that the tables were saved for people with reservations she said "Well they're not here yet and we are". I went over and tried to explain things and finally my manager had to go over and explain that because she didn't have a reservation we didn't have room to seat her. She stormed out of the dining room and vowed to never come back.

-I work at Olive Garden where it seems like everything has a refill - drinks, salad, breadsticks and soup. Well, anyone who reads the menu knows that salad is only included with entrees. Pizza, however is not considered an entree. I had this table of three women where two ordered entrees and the other ordered pizza. When I asked the one who ordered pizza if she wanted a salad for an extra $1.95, she said no. Her friend said "Aren't we going to get the big bowl of salad?" I said yes and asked the "pizza girl" again if she wanted salad. She said no. Then I brought salad plates out to the two women who got salad and not her. When she didn't get a plate, she asked why and I replied with the only answer I thought could be given "You didn't order salad". She said "Can't I have a plate?" So I brought her a plate and she put salad on it. Then she even flagged me down for a refill of salad. When I brought out the bill she asked why she was charged for a salad! I said "But you ATE salad". She said "But I never *ordered* it".

-I waited on a family of four. The two kids got kids drinks so they get a special 'bendy' straw while the adults got 'straight' straws in their Long Island Teas. Well, as I was WAITING ON ANOTHER TABLE, the woman starts screeching "Waitress! Waitress! I want one of those bendy straws! How come we got the straight straws??"

-We have a promotion at my job where we put a stopwatch on the table for lunch and if the food doesn't arrive in 14 minutes, it's free. WELL, one day, I noticed one of my tables had a stopwatch that read 13 minutes. So, I told my manager and the cooks that we were a minute away from buying four lunches. The food arrived at 13 min. 48 seconds. The guy at the table FLIPS out saying that I noticed that they were close to getting a free lunch and that I had been listening to their conversation about it and ran and told my manager. First of all, with my entire section FULL, I definitely didn't have time to eavesdrop on conversations and secondly, it's my job to keep the restaurant from losing money unnecessarily! Needless to say, they had to pay for their lunch and stiffed me on the tip.

-I remember one time when a couple stopped in for dinner and told me how they had driven for an hour just to eat at the restaurant because they liked the mashed potatoes. Well, the mashed potatoes were only served during the day and fried potatoes are served in the evenings. When I told them this, the woman actually started crying and refused to order anything.

-I was working at a truck stop. There had been a big snowstorm and I had a restaurant packed with angry truckers who couldn't leave. One guy orders a chocolate milk. I bring him the drink. He calls me over and asks me if it is white milk. I offer to add more chocolate syrup. He then tells me he's allergic to white milk and can only have chocolate milk. Okay... I'll just milk our Hershey's chocolate cow in the back for you.

-I had two older ladies in one day for lunch, they both ordered something like liver or Salisbury steak... something that came with gravy. So as I'm about to put the plates down in front of them, one asks "Is it too late not to have the gravy?"

-One man asked me for his wife's glass of wine to be heated up. I jokingly said "Sure, we'll just throw it in the microwave" and he said, with a straight face "That'll be fine".

-A party of three arrived just after our kitchen closed for the night. They whined about the fact that they could not order from the menu, pleaded with me to keep the kitchen open just for them, to no avail. They then claimed to be on their way to the airport to fly to London for a month and "need something to eat first!" as if there was not food available on the way to AND at the airport. These ploys did no good. But, it did not stop these three from coming in THREE NIGHTS LATER! I simply asked "How was London?"

-At a Mexican restaurant I worked at a customer complained that the food is too spicy and wants some salsa which is milder than our "mild" salsa. It's truly wimpy. So the waiter puts some ketchup in a dish and gives it to her. No further complaints.

MASTURBATION

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose!?"

The doctor finally relented saying "All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked "Good god! What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up"...

sexy SURFER GIRLs

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TOOLS EXPLAINED

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used for the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shed and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

COMMON SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

BIGGER HAMMER: Same as a normal hammer but larger in size and weight. Used to make things that don't fit, fit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

FFFFFUUUUUCKKKKK!! MUST. PEE. NOW...!!

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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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READER MAIL

So what's the Orsm mail bag all about? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like your first blow job - starts off kinda weird but as you get closer to the end you don't mind that it's your uncle desperately want more.

Anyway... with the turmoil and pathetic bullshit that's dominated Australian politics lately theres been a buttload of Julia & Kevin and Kevin & Julia etc etc filling my mail hole. Pruned a few dozen down to 3... hopefully that's enough to tide you all over until the election. If not then my mail hole is always open to you. So what am I looking for? Obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: tragic consequences of shagging up against a window pane.....
Hey mate, Sad.. bloody sad.

I am reminded of this. -Orsm

Brian wrote:
Subject: Quickset Concrete
Nice mates to have ...

Would be even funnier if they dropped him in a pool... -Orsm

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Grant wrote:
Subject: Big Bird loves feathers
No limits now so open the floodgates.

Well that's the danger isnt it... -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: YES , I bought a Jeep !!
I bought a Jeep! Yes I bought a Jeep. Yes, a Jeep

Seems legit. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Young hockeyroos
Hey orsm, finally a clear photo for you.... Numbers 12 and 23 must be the dykes, the others look like they enjoy something between their legs , please hide details

Second and third for me... on both sides... thanks. -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emaling
God spare us!
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
First day on the new job.

KFC ruined... -Orsm

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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This was in today's SMH, without the added word. Actually looks like Julia holding the placard surrounded by all her non-existent Labor Women. Love your site mate. Makes every friday a treat to start.
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Brazilian Octopuss (Rare Sighting)
I am fortunate to have a friend that lives in Copacabana Beach, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He was able to send me a picture of the very rare Brazilian Octopus "Templamoslo Duro Man". It is not only rare but it is the largest Octopuss in the waters, that border South America. It is also a delicacy for those of us that enjoy an occasional treat of "Sushi" (although I know it is an aquired taste). I hope that you can appreciate the natural beauty of this animal.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hard drive crash?

These crack me up. Hopefully they offer a worldwide service! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Which one is dumber the one that got stuck in the first place or the guy that went to get him out? Please hide my info -Thanks

The answer depends on which one actually got stuck first... -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Hi There..WAKE UP!!!
The English Way & We Soon Will Follow!! Wake UP Everyone!!!

Scaremongering or fact. Anyone? -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Fire Rescue
During an early morning response to a house fire, firefighters were amazed... A Mother dog risked her life to save her puppies from the fire surrounding the burning house... The Mother dog, Amanda, raced back and forth between the house, putting her 10 day old puppies in the Safest place she could find - a Fire Truck! The firemen on scene could not believe their eyes. Most people have never seen a dog this smart or this brave! Bringing each one out, six trips into the fire and no one could stop her.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found girl pics on a SIM card that I found.
I've been following your site since 2002. Found these on a random SIM card that I found in the shop. Withhold my details please, thank you.
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wayne wrote:
Subject: Bubble bath photos
50 year old girl friend has the most amazing body given her age. The red marks on her Bum are from me slapping it.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Things to do before.......
Things to do before you die (maybe to hasten the process.......?).

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Mrs Dirtycopper wrote:
Subject: Wow, thanks guys and gals
My husband sent you one of my pics last week and you posted it along with a link to my profile on newbienudes. The response was overwhelming and to be honest, got me a little excited. ;) So here are a few more pics for your viewing pleasure. To see more of me follow this link or you can follow me on twitter @mrsdirtycopper. I hope to see my pics again soon.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: DOG HUMOR...
Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains un-awakened.
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adam wrote:
Subject: a scam,but great tits!
hay buddy,been a fan of your site for years now and knew you'd wanna see/hear this. pissin about on facebook one night i get a message from someone saying there name is "nancy neith",so,me being..er male reply'd!.went onto her/its page,and the profile pic was stunning,so started sending messages back and forth,then she/it asks for a pic of me and can i send my email address,so i sent it and these are the pics that i got,now,as i stated her/its name and the fact she/it was saying she/it needs money for hotel bill as she/its stuck in mexico?! i'm thinkin yeah,scam.but as i'm single,i thought what the hell i'll play along.so asked for some good pics,ya know sex sex and more pink!!.lol but she/it always made an excuse,then i get a couple more(the ones with her tits out)but if you check the "name tag"on the pics its a girl called "sara".what a rookie scam mistake,copy/paste pics and dont change the tags!.lol.still,you gotta say she has cracking tits!! laters fucker

Monroe Lee. Website here. Good tits. -Orsm

xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
20 reasons why we love Scotland

They're a bit like the New Zealanders of Europe aren't they? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Me
This is me enjoying myself. Love your site. PLEASE keep details private! X

A girl who films herself going solo. #winning -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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CUT YOUR BALLS OUT?

Two dogs sitting at the vet - a Kelpie and a German Shepherd. The Shepherd asks the Kelpie what he's there for. Kelpie says he can't resist chasing the postman and yesterday he caught him and bit his ankle. "So what's going to happen?" asks the Shepherd. Kelpie answers that they're going to cut off his balls to quieten him down. "Hmm" says the Shepherd "that's a bit of bad luck".

Kelpie then asks the Shepherd what he's in for. Shepherd replies that his master is a bit of a stud and brings home a different girl every Saturday night. "And so?" asks the kelpie. "So" says the Shepherd "last Saturday night he brought home a real stunner. Sunday morning she was leaning over the basin in the bathroom and had no clothes on so I approached her from behind, mounted her and gave her a good rogering".

"Hmm" says the Kelpie "sounds like you'll be getting your balls cut out too!" "Nah" says the Shepherd "I'm here to get my toe nails trimmed".

ORSM VIDEO


Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs". The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied "Diesel fitter". Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour". "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

WORST BOOK COVERS

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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston".

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom". The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years". Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

"Just a minute" says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here we go by results" says Saint Peter. "When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed".

RANDOM SHITE

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Back in the swinging 60s, Michael Caine holds a massive party at his London gaff. The whole 60's London cool set is there - the Rolling Stones, Hendrix, Twiggy, Marianne, Faithful, Bowie etc.

Sitting on a couch in the corner is Jim Morrison strumming "Light My Fire" on his guitar. Quite early on, Jim gets up to go, telling Michael Caine he's tired and off home to read a book. Caine says "The party's only just warming up, why don't you go upstairs with one of the girls?" to which Jim replies "Okay but only if the rest of the band can come". Off they go up to a bedroom with a hot little thing in a mini skirt.

A bit later, Mick Jagger thinks to himself "I wonder where Jim Morrison is" and wanders off to find him. A few minutes later, Michael Caine follows him, to find the girl on her knees giving Jagger a blow job. Caine grabs her by the hair slaps here about and sends her back downstairs yelling at her "How many times do I have to tell you... you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!"

KRISTEN PRICE... NAME YOUR PRICE! I WILL PAY ANYTHING!

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Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him "This is the one... right here".

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall" Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks "What's the nail for?" She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder... "I assume it's to hang your trousers on".

ORSM VIDEO


Well fuckers... that's it from me. Read on to avoid random dick punches from aggrieved webmasters...

-Check out the site archives. They're bigger than a fat chicks cunt.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'll be here. Will you?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will let you down whatever the opposite of gently is.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and let's just talk it out next time okay? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.07.04-18.28
VAGINA

Welcome to Orsm.net. Vagina → → → → → → → → → → → → → → → → → → → ↑

Give or take, it's been about 545 days since we made the stupid/uninformed/naive decision to build a home. In that time there's been dozens of designer meetings, hundreds of phone calls, thousands of discussions and the most hate possible for banks, council planners and the baffling rules and regulations they both cling to so blindly. It's pretty clear that the most inept and unconscientious people in any society end up in those 2 organisations and all the rest of us must suffer them.

Finally however we've made some progress and the dwelling I lived in for almost eight years was unceremoniously demolished on Tuesday. Strange feeling. Thought there'd be some tribulation on my part - would be scary to know how many hours I spent doing renovations, in the garden, even trips to the hardware store just maintaining the place. Not forgetting either the lots of happy memories there with dog and it's where the GF and I lived together for the first time. Okay I'm a bit of a homo for sentiment but basically that piece of shit house was something I worked fucking hard to achieve and has been a big part of my life. Strangely though, as the excavator tore through it without even the slightest of fucks, none of that factored. It was more a case of 'there's no turning back now'. Until last week there was nothing that couldn't be undone. It is apparently now all go... stuff can be built... we can begin... should only take about a year... which is what everyone said 545 days ago...

Moving on because that's what I do. Have a lot of possible topics to cover including why last Thursday's update was later than usual, how much I enjoyed going to the Eagles game last Thursday night, activities which kept me on the road all day Friday, the incredible noise generated by tradesman traipsing around downstairs this week, the amount of times they can possibly slam the motherfucking door going in and out, the inconvenience of them repeatedly switching electricity off without warning, the lost work because of it, same but less so for water and gas, not having a kitchen all week or being able to find a single thing that was in it, frustration involved -trying- to transfer a terabyte of data from a dying computer on to a new one, realising I didn't setup the new hard drive properly and having to repeat the entire process whilst hoping the electricity wouldn't go off again, then getting it correctly setup for the owner/mate, or another laptop which was handed over for repair, plus my DSLR dying and not knowing anyone who could fix it for free like I fix friends computers for free... and so on. Just another normal boring week so why don't we skip to my weekend...?

Had absolutely fucking nowhere to be Saturday. Aka a dream come true plus magically ended up behind the wheel of a new Jaguar something for the morning. Decided to swing by my old neighbours and see what'd been happening in the 'hood. They're cool, bible bashing folk in their late 80's and like to chat. Was all going well until that awkward moment when you're not sure if "that dog is a little faggot" was a homophobic slur or obsolete term of endearment? I'll probably never know. Headed off to see friends afterward. Another coffee, a chat and the moist t-shirt which comes from holding a baby. Some shopping followed before returning home to park it at the computer for the rest of the day. This is a rare couple of weeks in my life where I'm not the busiest I've ever been, there's no working weeks and months ahead for some holiday and I actually have some spare time to tinker with the site. Spent hours poring over various code, relearning shit I've long forgotten and trying to make little things work better, load faster and so on. Cathartic.

Sunday began with a walk along the coast. This is how it looked down there. Yes it's the middle of winter here. Homeward to waste a few hours cleaning up my office, vacuuming and generally being a great guy before departing early afternoon for a charity high tea thing a friend organised. Something to do Africans or something but realistically their plight meant access to the most delicious cakes and cookies I've ever scoffed. I guess sometimes the needs of the few really do outweigh the needs of the many. Ended up going quite well, money was raised, I'm a few steps closer to diabetes and everyone walked away happy.

Stopped at the old house on the way back. The demolition guys had been through and removed any asbestos so the place was a mess. That wasn't why were there however. For a very long time I'd been looking forward to smashing the fuck out of some stuff, some of the annoyances, some of the ugly, some of the 60 years of gross. Started small - a few little rocks through some windows, moved on to bricks, roof tiles and then just whatever wasn't tied down. The best part though was the mothercunting shower screen. Threateningly unsafe for far too long, I gleefully smashed it into millions of pieces. Same with the hideous light fittings and a whole bunch of other crap destined for landfill. Awesome fun and well worth the wait but not quite as much as if it was someone else's property I was vandalising.

Detoured via the coast on the way home. This is what a winter sunset looks like in Perth. Sensational way to round out the weekend.

Have picked up this bad habit lately of waffling on way longer than anyone can be fucked reading, let alone than I can be fucked writing. With that knowledge let us get the update going. Check it...

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Blob's Story - *Drool* - Homer Car - Shame On U - Idiocracy - Insta-ouchies - Hungry Eh? - Cowabunga - Thick 'n Juicy

Selena Vaj? - Sexy Nerd - How To Twerk - Airport Fuck - Truuust Me - Cleavage!! - Awesomeness - God Damn - ParaFail

Goddess Mode - Trying To Cum - Real Hottie - Wasted - Gym Slut - BIG Wipeout - Dude WTF? - Pissilicious - Git Down!

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave". "Yes sir!" the Sgt Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave" the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yes sir!" the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says "Sir. It's you he's fond of..."
--
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather". Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk "D-D-Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old woman then asks: "Doooo yyouuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?" The clerk responds "Yes we do". "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

ORSM VIDEO


COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

-Going out in the cold with a wet head will not make you sick.
-Vikings in fact did wore horned helmets.
-Consuming sugar does not make kids go hyperactive.
-You do not lose 98 percent of your body heat through your head.
-Cracking your knuckles will not give you arthritis.
-Napoleon wasn't a short ass. He was actually closer to 5'7 - slightly above average height for his time.
-There has never been sufficient scientific evidence that pre-exercise stretching reduces injury risk.
-One human year doesn't equal seven dog years.
-George Washington's teeth weren't made from wood. He had four sets of dentures that were made from gold, hippopotamus ivory, lead, and human and animal teeth
-The name sushi means "sour rice" and refers to vinegared rice, not 'raw fish' as commonly believed.
-Goldfish have a memory span of several months, not just a few seconds.
-Someone does not need to be missing for 24 hours to file a missing persons report.
-When Olde English Was Spoken People Did Not Use "Ye" Instead of "The".
-Despite what we know from PC games, real Lemmings do not make mass suicidal dives from cliffs during migration.
-Shaving does not cause terminal hair to grow back thicker or coarser or darker.
-The redhead gene is not becoming extinct.
-Humans cannot catch warts from toads. The bumps on a toad are not warts. Warts on human skin are caused by viruses that are unique to humans.
-The Big Bang theory does not provide an explanation for the origin of the universe; rather, it explains its early evolution.
-The Coriolis Effect does not determine the direction that water rotates in a bathtub drain or a flushing toilet. The Coriolis Effect, while it indeed exists, is induced by the Earth's daily rotation and is far too weak to affect the direction of water in a typical bathtub drain.
-A penny dropped from the Empire State Building will not kill a person or punch through the sidewalk. The terminal velocity of a falling penny is about 30-50 miles per hour (48-80 km/h), and the penny will not exceed that speed regardless of the height from which it is dropped. At that speed, its energy is not enough to penetrate a human skull or crack concrete.
-Computers running Macintosh, Linux, or other non-Windows operating systems are not immune to malware such as Trojan horses.
-Toilet waste is never intentionally jettisoned from an aircraft. All waste is collected in tanks which are emptied on the ground by waste vehicles.
-Eight glasses or two to three litres of water a day are not needed to maintain health.
-Alcoholic beverages do not make one warmer.
-It is untrue that a vegetarian or vegan diet cannot provide enough protein for adequate nutrition.
-Water-induced wrinkles are not caused by the skin absorbing water and swelling.
-Hair and fingernails do not continue to grow after a person dies.
-Exposure to a vacuum, or experiencing uncontrolled decompression, does not cause the body to explode, or internal fluids to boil.
-Eating less than an hour before swimming does not increase the risk of experiencing muscle cramps or drowning.
-South Korea believe that sleeping in a closed room with an electric fan running can be fatal.
-Mammals did not evolve from any modern group of reptiles.
-Humans and dinosaurs did not coexist.
-Humans did not evolve from chimpanzees.
-The daddy longlegs spider is the most venomous spider in the world, but the shape of their mandibles leaves them unable to bite humans, rendering them harmless to our species. Actually, they can pierce human skin but the tiny amount of venom they carry causes only a mild irritation for a few seconds.
-Houseflies do not have an average lifespan of 24 hours. The average lifespan of a housefly is 20 to 30 days.
-The claim that a duck's quack does not echo is incorrect although the echo may be difficult to hear for humans under some circumstances.
-It is not harmful to return fallen baby birds to their next. Mother birds won't reject them.
-Ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand to hide from enemies.

WE DON'T NEED CLOTHES WHERE WE'RE GOING...

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I NEED SOME ADVICE

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Melbourne and one of my sisters, who lives in Perth, is married to a guy from New Zealand. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held on remand on charges of incest with his three children and beating his wife.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as her HIV is now quite advanced. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Kiwi?

ORSM VIDEO


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A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!" The Australian says to the Kiwi "Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi".

He says to the baker "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker "Give me another cookie for my magic trick". The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again "Okay one more cookie, mate!" The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats that one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Australian says "Look in the Kiwi's pocket!"

LOVE-LOVE-LOVE PUFFY NIPS

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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Go ahead!"

BIKINI AWESOME

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ORSM VIDEO

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

"I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes".

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay". The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognised that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a $100 note comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone!"

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

LOOKING GOOD GIRLS...

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Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, 'ready' for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he is ready ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year-old, ready for more action. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, is young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert".

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

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Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull says "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows".

Second Bull says "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows".

Third Bull chimes in "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows".

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull nervously says "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend".

Second Bull says "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument".

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull says "Son, don't be foolish! Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it". Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

CAKE FAILS

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel terrible" he explains "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it".

The blonde says "Don't worry". She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says: 'Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave'.

RANDOM SHITE

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A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for check-ups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked. "Sure" he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked. "No, I can remember that" he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said. "No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries" he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down" she said. "For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!" he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said "Where's my toast?"

CURVES YOU CAN GRAB ON TO... THANK YOU CHRISSY

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Tim and Nancy lived in Wasilla, Alaska. Right downtown. Their house was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch. Nancy was pretty pissed about this decision. "Tim, you moron. Our neighbours can see when you do that, you know!" "It's dark out" said Tim "and they can't see me". "Of course they can" explained Nancy "you're silhouetted against the porch light and they can tell what you're doing". He'd not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business. He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said "You weren't gone very long". "That's right". "You went off the porch again, didn't you?" "Yes, I did".

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbours can see you. They'll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren't you the least bit embarrassed?" "Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

ORSM VIDEO


Okay I'm out. This was supposed to be a quiet night at home after a hectic week but the phone has rung and I'm off out with mates to get drunk and live my life to fix someones computer.

-Check out the site archives. Its the least dick thing you can do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get lost in Mandurah and never heard from again.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get my friend Ray to tell you all about the juice diet he's on. Be warned - Ray has a lot to say and it never fucking stops.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't look at me like that. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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