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Welcome to Orsm.net for what can only be described as the behemoth's mothers big brother of all updates. If it's your first visit to these parts then you got a shit load of catching up to do! So go do it...!!
Hate to say it but the internet seems to have been a relatively boring place the last couple of weeks... at least for me it has. Can't quite put my finger on it but I'm starting to think it's because I've seen everything... not once, not twice but thrice.
Day in day out my email inbox fills with the same stuff I posted on the site a year or two ago. I may very well have read every single joke that's ever been told. I've seen so many disturbing things that to shock me the pic or video or story has to be beyond fucked up. Same deal with the porn too I think - even Aria has become just another chick.
I dare say this is all very much a symptom of my internet addiction that I mentioned a few weeks back which was proven once again just the other day...
One cold wintery nite when natures call begins prompting me to relocate from my current throne to one found closer to the bathroom. Being of the male persuasion I obviously feel the need to locate reading material for the period spent perched pinching a loaf and stop at the table to see what's lying around. I find but two offerings. The first is an FHM mag sporting the 100 sexiest women of 2003... the second is the latest Atomic computer mag boasting a review on the brand new Radeon video card. I pause for a moment staring blankly at both covers and soon realise that there is no choice to be made. My hand slips down to whisk the Atomic under my arm and we both disappear silently into the nite....
So where do I go from here? I've spent the last couple of years surrounding myself in all things computer and internet. Now that I am surrounded I may very well be suffocating. Sure it's probably just a phase but I hope it passes soon before frustration kicks in and I go career shopping...
Two SARS bugs are leaving a bar after drinking up a storm when one of them
turns to the other and says... "Mate, I could murder some chinese."
Stop for a second and try imagine two of the hottest chicks two to ever walk the earth, meshed together in a tasty lesbian sex romp. I'm not talking your regular porn stars here - I'm talking Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova AND it's available on DVD. Find it at BritneyDoesAnna.com!
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When you get a chance make sure you check out here and here for updates on certain little sections of the site.
Code Of The Gay - A Canadian Speaks - Golden Moments On Aussie TV - More Darwin Awards - Nineties Teenagers
Cool CD-Rom Experiments - Amazing Intelligent Web - 50 Pence: In Da Pub - The Trilobite - Moob Or Boob?
HOLLY SHOOT
Next installment in the Holly shoot we did a while back features my mate Franz's sweet 300zx. Not a bad little car if I do say so and I know there'll be no questioning just how god damn amazing Holly looks too!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy, "Dats Dem!" The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, is budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting noider..."
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, - fockin' hengliding."
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
Why a lawyer should never ask a question of a witness if he isn't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his First witness to the stand - an elderly grandmother.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
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David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies Beckham.
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up...
and set off all the other bells.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh.... I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two
hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky,
thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
ORSM VIDEO
There's something so amusing about seeing a celebrity in such a compromising position especially when its one as explicit as this. Yes thats right folks - Mimi MacPherson returns in all her masturbating glory this week proving that there aint nothing this girl is shy about...
- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 3 - |
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ... I D 1 0 T.
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Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work
of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath. I have lived for
this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the
difference between right and wrong." "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you
are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down." "Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while."
ORSM VIDEO
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Grandad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the boy responds "No" "Then you can't have one." A while later, the Granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the boy responds "No". "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks,
"Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your asshole" Yes "Says Grandpa. To which the boy replies "Then go fuck yourself".
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
READER MAIL
Niels wrote:
Subject: Media Request
Gotta challenge for you; paparazzi style photos of Catherine Zeta Jones bathing topless were published early this week but they've been pulled from the known sites, I was wondering if with all your resourcefullness you may've stumbled across them and if so be able to send/link/something so I can get a gander?
This is where I found the details out: http://www.theage.com.au/
I admit defeat with this one. The best I can do is what you see below and what you'll find here. -Orsm.
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: CONTRIBUTION
You posted some of my previous contribs, so here's a video of a mine blast. Tarmoola Gold Mine (Leonora WA). Great stuff.
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Samuel
wrote:
Subject: Feeling kinda crabby
This is a video taken in 6000 feet (1.8km) of water. An undersea robot is sawing a 3mm wide slit (1/10th of an inch...remember that width) in a pipeline. The pressure inside the pipeline is 0 PSI while the pressure out side is 2700PSI, or 1.3 tons per square inch (or about 200 Bar).
And then a crab walks by...
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Nelson Gomez wrote:
Subject: Working at home
Many people have asked me how I like retirement and staying at home while my wife works. Actually, this is not the case in the strictest sense of the word. My wife is a "telecommuter." Now, I know there are some skeptics out there that will contest this fact or argue that having a working wife at home all the time is too much. I say, "not at all!" I still enjoy my wife's company and look forward to her being home. I hope you will feel the same if and when this happens to you. In the meantime, I have enclosed a picture of our workspace.
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: CIA Photo
Saddam Lives... The CIA provided this photo of Saddam and
his son, Qusai, getting ready to flee Baghdad just after bombing
campaign
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king canadian wrote:
Subject: cheating wife
here she is from edmonton canada, she is a edmonton slut and deserves your
attention on your site |
Jason wrote:
Subject: Paternity claim against me
Hello, I am letting each of you know, before it hits the streets and rumour mills, that I have been contacted by a woman alleging that I am the father of her child.
I do not know if the woman plans to have a blood test done to see if it really is my child but she has provided a picture (attached) of the child which shows the genetic proof that is the basis of her claim.
Due to the photographic evidence, I cannot refute her paternity claim and have
started to pay child support. I haven't told my missus yet and would appreciate you keeping quiet until I work up the courage. I thank you all for your support.
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A fellow gets an overseas job working on a big oil rig in the Middle East. The money is good, so leaving his new wife, he heads off to his new job. After being there a few weeks his thoughts start to drift to his wife and the thought of sex. He goes to see the foreman and asks what the fellows around here do when they get horny, to which the foreman replies "they go down and use the camel". 'That's disgusting!!" says the man, but the foreman just shrugs and walks away, saying to each his own.
A few weeks pass, but the fellow just can't stop thinking about sex. One night, his urge to get off overcomes him and a bit embarrassed, quietly slips out back, finds the camel and proceeds to fuck the camel senseless. Sneaking back to his room he was feeling a bit guilty but thought "what the hell-it made me feel a lot better." Over the next few weeks, he would make his way quietly down to the camel every other night or so and relieve himself.
One night he was having his usual visit to the camel when the foreman walks around the corner, takes one look and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?" Embarrassed, the guy says "YOU told me that when I was horny, I should just come down and use the camel!! The foreman replies "Are you serious? Come down... use the camel to RIDE INTO TOWN, get a hooker..."
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CAUTION!
I did debate whether or not to post these pics and after having a long hard think about it I remembered that I've always tried to update with things that would interest me in one way or another. Having said that I'm not any less offended by the images but keep in mind the source that supplied them assured me this is not an uncommon thing in certain parts of the world. Viewing at your own risk...
Eat
Cat - Eat
Cat - Eat
Cat - Eat
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Eat
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Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They grew up together in the old neighbourhood and used go fishing every chance they could. Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other; the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their lives.
"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?" Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Input Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?" "Yep. That's her." Mike replies.
"Well, what about her?" Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly. Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife. "Boy... I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.
Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all." "Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"
Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched." "But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night." Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."
Bill looks over at his friend perplexed... "So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her... why did you marry her?!?" Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says: "She shits the best worms!"
WORTH-A-SURF
I'm happily plugging these guys this week because they were all kind enough to offer their tasty virgin sisters to me. If you're a webmaster with a tasty virgin sister please click here.
Hole In The Net - Coolios Babes - Jinx Co - Salpar - Drunk TV - Topless Academy - The Basement Show
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Dump him. You are a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist for a pack of condoms. The chemist asks him what size he needs and the guy tells him he doesn't know. The chemist hands the guy a board with some holes in it and tells him to go in the back room and see which hole his dick fits in best, then he'll know what size condoms to get.
The guy comes out of the room an hour later and the chemist says. "Well..." The guy replies, "Forget the fucking condoms! I want to buy the board!"
It is show and tell day at school and Suzie gets up in front of the class and shows her new doll which she got for her birthday. Next Billy gets up and shows his new B.B. gun.
When it’s Johnny’s turn he tells the teacher that he doesn't have anything to show but that he has a story to tell. The teacher agrees and he begins. He says, "well I was walking to school this morning and I saw this little rabbit playing in the road." Then adding "then this huge semi-truck came racing over the hill and smashed his ass!"
The teacher is shocked. She says, "Johnny, the correct term is rectum". Jonny says, "wrecked 'em, it fuckin' killed 'im!"
A Man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only three legs. This peaks his curiosity so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig. "I noticed a pig earlier that only had three legs, what happened to the poor animal?" he asks. "Let me tell you a story”, starts his friend "last fall when I was ploughing the south field I accidentally got the plough caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tell ya."
"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his leg." the man replied. His farmer friend went on "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped in some chicken shit and fell right on my ass. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin and rammin till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tell ya."
His friend thought for a moment and said, 'Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his leg. His friend looked at him like he was stupid and said, "Mister, when you got a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once!"
Three guys are talking when the first one says, "My wife is so dumb. She went and bought 400 pounds of meat when we don't even have a freezer."
The second guys says, "Oh no. My wife is the dumbest. She went out and bought a brand new car, and doesn't even have her license."
Then the third one says, "No way. My wife is the dumbest. She is going out with her girlfriends this weekend and went out and bought a box of condoms... and she doesn't even have a penis!"
It's during the time of Christ and some Hebrews are bored. "Let’s go find a whore and stone her” one says. They all go to a brothel and find a ragged old whore. They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her when Jesus comes out of his carpenters tent and says "He who is without sin cast the first stone."
All the Hebrews get discouraged and go home. As they are leaving, an old lady picks up a huge rock, throws it with all her might, hitting the whore, breaking her nose. Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay, "MUM!!!"
All of Jake's friends always got mad at him cause no matter how bad a situation was he would always say "it could be worse".
Finally his friends decided to make up something that he couldn't say "it could be worse" about. When they were playing golf one day Steve said to Jake, "did you hear what happened to Fred?" Jake said no and asked what happened. Steve said that Fred came home Thursday and found his wife in bed with another man and killed them both and then turned the gun on himself. Jake said oh that’s horrible but "it could be worse". "How could it be any worse than that", Steve asked. "Well", Jake said, "if it happened a day earlier, I'd be dead."
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant’s penis is long and thin this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Sarah and Ann, had just learned a new word: penis. They were absolutely puzzled, and decide that they would go home and try to find out what this mysterious word meant.
Sarah got home she asked her mother what a penis is, but her mother was very reluctant to aid her. But, as she was a crafty young girl, she asked her father. He was very helpful and pulled his pants down saying: "This, Sarah, is a penis." She was satisfied with this demonstration and went to bed.
Sarah ran to school next day, pigtails flying in the wind. She found Ann who had had no look with her inquiries and thus quite curious. Ann asked, "Well, did you have any luck?" "Yes indeed", said Sarah. "Well don't hold out on me, what is a penis?" "It's like a cock, only smaller."
If you have children you will probably relate to this father.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard... 'Poupon.'"
ORSM VIDEO
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the ill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
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Well guys [and gals] that pretty much draws this update to a close. If you've made it this far down the page then chances are you've just wasted 2 hours whilst you were supposed to be doing something else. Shame on you!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out the newest most kick ass site on the net! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
