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June 2003...
orsmupdate 2003.06.25-15.35

Welcome to Orsm.net for what can only be described as the behemoth's mothers big brother of all updates. If it's your first visit to these parts then you got a shit load of catching up to do! So go do it...!!

Hate to say it but the internet seems to have been a relatively boring place the last couple of weeks... at least for me it has. Can't quite put my finger on it but I'm starting to think it's because I've seen everything... not once, not twice but thrice.

Day in day out my email inbox fills with the same stuff I posted on the site a year or two ago. I may very well have read every single joke that's ever been told. I've seen so many disturbing things that to shock me the pic or video or story has to be beyond fucked up. Same deal with the porn too I think - even Aria has become just another chick.

I dare say this is all very much a symptom of my internet addiction that I mentioned a few weeks back which was proven once again just the other day...

One cold wintery nite when natures call begins prompting me to relocate from my current throne to one found closer to the bathroom. Being of the male persuasion I obviously feel the need to locate reading material for the period spent perched pinching a loaf and stop at the table to see what's lying around. I find but two offerings. The first is an FHM mag sporting the 100 sexiest women of 2003... the second is the latest Atomic computer mag boasting a review on the brand new Radeon video card. I pause for a moment staring blankly at both covers and soon realise that there is no choice to be made. My hand slips down to whisk the Atomic under my arm and we both disappear silently into the nite....

So where do I go from here? I've spent the last couple of years surrounding myself in all things computer and internet. Now that I am surrounded I may very well be suffocating. Sure it's probably just a phase but I hope it passes soon before frustration kicks in and I go career shopping...

Two SARS bugs are leaving a bar after drinking up a storm when one of them turns to the other and says... "Mate, I could murder some chinese."

Stop for a second and try imagine two of the hottest chicks two to ever walk the earth, meshed together in a tasty lesbian sex romp. I'm not talking your regular porn stars here - I'm talking Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova AND it's available on DVD. Find it at BritneyDoesAnna.com!

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

When you get a chance make sure you check out here and here for updates on certain little sections of the site.

Code Of The Gay - A Canadian Speaks - Golden Moments On Aussie TV - More Darwin Awards - Nineties Teenagers

Cool CD-Rom Experiments - Amazing Intelligent Web - 50 Pence: In Da Pub - The Trilobite - Moob Or Boob?

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Next installment in the Holly shoot we did a while back features my mate Franz's sweet 300zx. Not a bad little car if I do say so and I know there'll be no questioning just how god damn amazing Holly looks too!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy, "Dats Dem!" The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.

They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, is budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting noider..."

After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, - fockin' hengliding."

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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

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Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky - Sky

Why a lawyer should never ask a question of a witness if he isn't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his First witness to the stand - an elderly grandmother.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

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David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.

"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies Beckham.

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Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and set off all the other bells.

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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the damn jar open!"

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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. He looks at the photo and says "Oh.... I didn't know you had a prescription!"

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"


There's something so amusing about seeing a celebrity in such a compromising position especially when its one as explicit as this. Yes thats right folks - Mimi MacPherson returns in all her masturbating glory this week proving that there aint nothing this girl is shy about...

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 3 -

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognise you."


For fucks sake ladies... take a trip to Macca's or KFC or something because your shit is fucked up! Say it with me: "I am not as fat as I think I am"...

Skinny Bitches - Skinny Bitches - Skinny Bitches - Skinny Bitches - Skinny Bitches - Skinny Bitches

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A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

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A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

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Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya

Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya - Tanya

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ... I D 1 0 T.

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Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong." "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down." "Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while."


This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Grandad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the boy responds "No" "Then you can't have one." A while later, the Granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the boy responds "No". "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks,

"Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your asshole" Yes "Says Grandpa. To which the boy replies "Then go fuck yourself".

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Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann

Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann - Leeann

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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Niels wrote:
Subject: Media Request
Gotta challenge for you; paparazzi style photos of Catherine Zeta Jones bathing topless were published early this week but they've been pulled from the known sites, I was wondering if with all your resourcefullness you may've stumbled across them and if so be able to send/link/something so I can get a gander? This is where I found the details out: http://www.theage.com.au/

I admit defeat with this one. The best I can do is what you see below and what you'll find here. -Orsm.

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Stuart wrote:
You posted some of my previous contribs, so here's a video of a mine blast. Tarmoola Gold Mine (Leonora WA). Great stuff.

Samuel wrote:
Subject: Feeling kinda crabby
This is a video taken in 6000 feet (1.8km) of water. An undersea robot is sawing a 3mm wide slit (1/10th of an inch...remember that width) in a pipeline. The pressure inside the pipeline is 0 PSI while the pressure out side is 2700PSI, or 1.3 tons per square inch (or about 200 Bar). And then a crab walks by...

Nelson Gomez wrote:
Subject: Working at home
Many people have asked me how I like retirement and staying at home while my wife works. Actually, this is not the case in the strictest sense of the word. My wife is a "telecommuter." Now, I know there are some skeptics out there that will contest this fact or argue that having a working wife at home all the time is too much. I say, "not at all!" I still enjoy my wife's company and look forward to her being home. I hope you will feel the same if and when this happens to you. In the meantime, I have enclosed a picture of our workspace.

click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: CIA Photo
Saddam Lives... The CIA provided this photo of Saddam and his son, Qusai, getting ready to flee Baghdad just after bombing campaign

click to enlarge
king canadian wrote:
Subject: cheating wife
here she is from edmonton canada, she is a edmonton slut and deserves your attention on your site
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Paternity claim against me
Hello, I am letting each of you know, before it hits the streets and rumour mills, that I have been contacted by a woman alleging that I am the father of her child. I do not know if the woman plans to have a blood test done to see if it really is my child but she has provided a picture (attached) of the child which shows the genetic proof that is the basis of her claim.

Due to the photographic evidence, I cannot refute her paternity claim and have started to pay child support. I haven't told my missus yet and would appreciate you keeping quiet until I work up the courage. I thank you all for your support.

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A fellow gets an overseas job working on a big oil rig in the Middle East. The money is good, so leaving his new wife, he heads off to his new job. After being there a few weeks his thoughts start to drift to his wife and the thought of sex. He goes to see the foreman and asks what the fellows around here do when they get horny, to which the foreman replies "they go down and use the camel". 'That's disgusting!!" says the man, but the foreman just shrugs and walks away, saying to each his own.

A few weeks pass, but the fellow just can't stop thinking about sex. One night, his urge to get off overcomes him and a bit embarrassed, quietly slips out back, finds the camel and proceeds to fuck the camel senseless. Sneaking back to his room he was feeling a bit guilty but thought "what the hell-it made me feel a lot better." Over the next few weeks, he would make his way quietly down to the camel every other night or so and relieve himself.

One night he was having his usual visit to the camel when the foreman walks around the corner, takes one look and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?" Embarrassed, the guy says "YOU told me that when I was horny, I should just come down and use the camel!! The foreman replies "Are you serious? Come down... use the camel to RIDE INTO TOWN, get a hooker..."

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I did debate whether or not to post these pics and after having a long hard think about it I remembered that I've always tried to update with things that would interest me in one way or another. Having said that I'm not any less offended by the images but keep in mind the source that supplied them assured me this is not an uncommon thing in certain parts of the world. Viewing at your own risk...

Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat

Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat - Eat Cat

Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They grew up together in the old neighbourhood and used go fishing every chance they could. Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other; the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their lives.

"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?" Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Input Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?" "Yep. That's her." Mike replies.

"Well, what about her?" Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly. Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife. "Boy... I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.

Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all." "Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"

Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched." "But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night." Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."

Bill looks over at his friend perplexed... "So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her... why did you marry her?!?" Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says: "She shits the best worms!"

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I'm happily plugging these guys this week because they were all kind enough to offer their tasty virgin sisters to me. If you're a webmaster with a tasty virgin sister please click here.

Hole In The Net - Coolios Babes - Jinx Co - Salpar - Drunk TV - Topless Academy - The Basement Show

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Dump him. You are a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist for a pack of condoms. The chemist asks him what size he needs and the guy tells him he doesn't know. The chemist hands the guy a board with some holes in it and tells him to go in the back room and see which hole his dick fits in best, then he'll know what size condoms to get.

The guy comes out of the room an hour later and the chemist says. "Well..." The guy replies, "Forget the fucking condoms! I want to buy the board!"

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It is show and tell day at school and Suzie gets up in front of the class and shows her new doll which she got for her birthday. Next Billy gets up and shows his new B.B. gun.

When it's Johnny's turn he tells the teacher that he doesn't have anything to show but that he has a story to tell. The teacher agrees and he begins. He says, "well I was walking to school this morning and I saw this little rabbit playing in the road." Then adding "then this huge semi-truck came racing over the hill and smashed his ass!"

The teacher is shocked. She says, "Johnny, the correct term is rectum". Jonny says, "wrecked 'em, it fuckin' killed 'im!"

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A Man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only three legs. This peaks his curiosity so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig. "I noticed a pig earlier that only had three legs, what happened to the poor animal?" he asks. "Let me tell you a story”, starts his friend "last fall when I was ploughing the south field I accidentally got the plough caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tell ya."

"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his leg." the man replied. His farmer friend went on "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped in some chicken shit and fell right on my ass. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin and rammin till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tell ya."

His friend thought for a moment and said, 'Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his leg. His friend looked at him like he was stupid and said, "Mister, when you got a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

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Three guys are talking when the first one says, "My wife is so dumb. She went and bought 400 pounds of meat when we don't even have a freezer."

The second guys says, "Oh no. My wife is the dumbest. She went out and bought a brand new car, and doesn't even have her license."

Then the third one says, "No way. My wife is the dumbest. She is going out with her girlfriends this weekend and went out and bought a box of condoms... and she doesn't even have a penis!"

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It's during the time of Christ and some Hebrews are bored. "Let's go find a whore and stone her” one says. They all go to a brothel and find a ragged old whore. They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her when Jesus comes out of his carpenters tent and says "He who is without sin cast the first stone."

All the Hebrews get discouraged and go home. As they are leaving, an old lady picks up a huge rock, throws it with all her might, hitting the whore, breaking her nose. Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay, "MUM!!!"

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All of Jake's friends always got mad at him cause no matter how bad a situation was he would always say "it could be worse".

Finally his friends decided to make up something that he couldn't say "it could be worse" about. When they were playing golf one day Steve said to Jake, "did you hear what happened to Fred?" Jake said no and asked what happened. Steve said that Fred came home Thursday and found his wife in bed with another man and killed them both and then turned the gun on himself. Jake said oh that's horrible but "it could be worse". "How could it be any worse than that", Steve asked. "Well", Jake said, "if it happened a day earlier, I'd be dead."

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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".


RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Sarah and Ann, had just learned a new word: penis. They were absolutely puzzled, and decide that they would go home and try to find out what this mysterious word meant.

Sarah got home she asked her mother what a penis is, but her mother was very reluctant to aid her. But, as she was a crafty young girl, she asked her father. He was very helpful and pulled his pants down saying: "This, Sarah, is a penis." She was satisfied with this demonstration and went to bed.

Sarah ran to school next day, pigtails flying in the wind. She found Ann who had had no look with her inquiries and thus quite curious. Ann asked, "Well, did you have any luck?" "Yes indeed", said Sarah. "Well don't hold out on me, what is a penis?" "It's like a cock, only smaller."

click here for more

I'd say most of these are fake... regardless there's still a few cool shots in the bunch...

Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial

Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial - Aerial

If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard... 'Poupon.'"


It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the ill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage - Sage

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Well guys [and gals] that pretty much draws this update to a close. If you've made it this far down the page then chances are you've just wasted 2 hours whilst you were supposed to be doing something else. Shame on you!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out the newest most kick ass site on the net! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2003.06.11-19.55

I've got no idea what's wrong with me at the moment. Usually I love winter and spend most of summer hanging out for the cold to arrive but this year I just arent coping with it to well. Looks like I may have to even stop wearning shorts for a couple of weeks until things heat back up again.

Dog ownership is proving to be challenging at the moment too. With Milla still being a pup [read: over grown monster] she tends to love all things messy including gardens, lawns and anything else that can be destroyed to make a mess. Within minutes of either waking up or coming home and letting her inside the once clean floors are anything but and of course I'm the poor sap that has to clean them. I can't and won't complain about that because it was made clear by others before I got her that I'd be the one charged with taking care of such things.

The next big problem I'm having with her is solely lawn related. Over summer she walked in and out of the garden [as dogs do] and with it managed to drag a fair amount of sand back onto the lawn eventually killing a large portion of it creating an ever-increasing sand pit which pretty much started to end up in the house.

The fix here was to dig it all out and put down some roll on lawn which a few of us spent a day doing. We even erected a chicken wire fence to keep her off it for a week until it had settled. Anyways a week later the fence came down and she was allowed to reign freely across the lawn and into the now partitioned garden. Mission accomplished and the desired effect was being realised. As fate would have it, a couple of days after that a big storm comes through and pushes over the tree taking a chunk of my new lawn with it... and leaving a big hole. This is where dog starts to make her presence known by digging the hole out even further and spreading sand all over the place. New lawn dying.

Over the next couple of weeks she continued with her night time rampages whilst everyone is asleep [and unable to police her] and accordingly what was once a 20 square metre patch of new Green Leas Park had been either pulled up and shredded or just covered in sand. New lawn 75% dead.

Last saturday comes and I go get more lawn. Spend an hour or two digging and replacing. Decide to wait until the next day to put the fence up. The next morning rolls around, I go down to check out the new lawn to find Milla has been a busy girl. Jump in the car and go buy MORE FUCKING lawn!!! The next hour is spent swearing at her and replacing the destroyed bits. Lawn all good.

A big fence has now been erected and its appears to be working. I figure if I can keep her off it at nite and let her on during the day it should have a better chance this time because if all goes to shit again I think my sanity may very well follow. I'm a softy - I hate being angry at her and whilst I'll never belt her it's not any less annoying that she's just being a puppy and doing puppy things.

Before anyone points out it's because she's bored I'll say that I don't think it's possible to keep her amused any more than I do - she gets walked, she has heaps of bones and chew toys etc and she gets her fair share of human interaction and attention. I'm assuming all this is just a puppy stage that they go through - some sort of teenage angst thing perhaps but jesus fucking christ I hope it passes soon!

As promised 10 new Priceless vids have been added to the Vids section. Check out all of em here or the new ones here. 20 new you-know-what's have also been added too. Find em here! There's a truckload more of this sort of stuff plus a whole lot more coming in the next few weeks and months so make sure you don't stray to far or I may have to fight you.

One Liners By Barry Hilton - Tenanting - Not An Australian Until - Portable Personal Beer Cooler - Gay-O-Metre

Crazy Case Modz - Catprin - The Perfect Duo - Hang Her High - House4Sex - Assume The Position

Click for more awesomeness

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" ! says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

Next up in the series we shot a couple of weeks back is the Nissan Skyline GTR. Not a bad little toy... and I'm sure you guy's will agree Holly doesn't look half bad either!

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

click here for more

Dear Mum and Dad... It has now been three months since I left for College. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.

The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.

Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter, Linda.

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A cowboy is riding through the desert alone on his horse. He is quite far from civilization and has not been with a woman for quite some time. After becoming increasingly horny, the cowboy starts to look at his horse and begins to think, "I bet I could fuck my horse." After a little consideration, the cowboy begins to see the absurdity of this idea and completely disregards it. A few days later the cowboy starts to get even hornier than he was before and the same thought comes to his mind. The cowboy gets off his horse, pulls down his pants and tries to stick his dick in. As soon as he gets close, the horse takes a few steps forward. The cowboy tries again and again but every time he tries to fuck his horse, it moves. After a few more failed attempts the cowboy rides on.

Soon he comes across a small Indian village being raided by another local village. The cowboy shoots all the rowdy Indians and notices that they were just about to begin a sacrifice with the last, surviving person in the whole village. This person is the town virgin and is extremely beautiful. Upon untying her, the virgin tells the cowboy, "I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to." After pondering this statement for a while, the cowboy asks her, "Do you think you could hold on to my horse for a while?"

click here for more

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the Manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?" "Melbourne, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Melbourne," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and AFL players down there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Melbourne!" The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

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Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Centre on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation.

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A lady went into a bar in San Antonio and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" " I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


You guys may remember someone emailed me both the original and Star Wars edit of the Star Wars kid videos a couple of weeks back. If you haven't come across this little guy by now then you have obviously had your eyes closed because the amount of coverage he has been given in the media is second only to that of the the 'War On Terror' stuff... well almost. Anyways this new remix is more Matrix Reloaded style... very cool check it out!

- Star Wars Kid: Reloaded -

click here for more

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue." "Inland Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

click here for more

A guy goes to see the doctor and says "Doc, my pecker has turned orange." "Well take down your pants and let's have a look." the doc says. So the guy drops his drawers and the doc checks over his orange pecker. "That's amazing!" says the doc "We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned by something.

Where do you work, in a chemical plant?" The guy says "No, as a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple months, and I've just been sitting around the house watching porno movies and eating Cheetos"

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One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm... I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home.

When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves.

When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm... I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be too bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday.

He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."


Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: That's ma' rope!

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey... am I hurting you?" No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!


A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royce's, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem... he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy". The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry. They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry. "Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"

The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"


beavis1 wrote:
Subject: excuses
you always have a fucking excuse,either a late update or no update? do us all a favor and end it all. there's more sites than just yours and better consistant ones, get a life ....

Thanks for the advice! Will start searching for life immediately! -Orsm.

Michelle Waardenberg wrote:
Subject: Hi
Was told you'd be interested in these. There is also a full video (RM & MPEG) of him jerking off (with face vis).

click to download
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: MOAB (mother of all bombs)
The Air Force recently tested the MOAB (mother of all bombs). This photograph reveals some aspects of the destructive capability of this weapon. This is still pretty much under wraps (Secret) so please dispense it with care.

click to enlarge

Tabooslang wrote:
Hey there, Ever wondered where telepgraph poles come from? They don't just grow on trees you know ! It apears we grow them in Brisbane in batches of 30 at a time. (Possible Random Shite entry? - Let me know if it makes the grade) Actually what this is or why there's 30 oversized telepgraph poles hanging around together I have no bloody idea.

click to enlarge

Jim Hutchison wrote:
Subject: Border Defence
Hey Mr Orsm... The Australian Border Defence System me and some mates dreamed up. Australia has the perfect border defence system if you think about it:

You've got the croc's from the Gulf of Carpentaria to Cooktown who'd eat anything moving. You've got the weather as a natural deterrent from Townsville to the Gold Coast. You've got the Gold Coast "nouveau riche" white shoe brigade, vehemently guarding their land titles and high-rise. You've got the hippies in Byron who'd bore them to tears so they'd turn about and go home. You've got the real estate developers from the North Coast to the mid-south coast who wont let anyone on their land without a Gold AMEX and a Ralph Lauren casual shirt. You've got the grey army of retirees on the South Coast who'll protect their quiet lifestyle with placards and public meetings, and let's face it, who'd sit through them.

You've got Steve Bracks in Victoria, with the constant shadow of Jeff Kennet. You've got Tasmania...well, it's Tasmania. You've got the Great Australian Bight, and it's inaccessible shoreline. You've got Freo and Perth, and the chardonnay lifestyle, but who'd land there it's too far from anything.You've got Broome, and it's Byron hippies. You've got Port Headland ("Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200", free return plane ticket). You've got the NT, with it's blue stubbies and singlets, and the heat and flies no other nation on earth could handle. Bringing us back to the Gulf and it's wonderful crocodiles...

Samuel wrote:
Subject: Scam
I want to warn you of a possible scam. Winter is upon us and this scam may be pulled in your area. Last year these two (in the attached photo) showed up offering to shovel snow from my driveway, but our town requires a vendor's permit for door to door solicitation. They claimed they obtained a permit but did not have any pockets to carry it in. Ha! - A likely story. It's not likely these two would have done an efficient job, in my opinion. They whined about being cold and wanted to come inside to warm up, and probably would have left before the job was done, along with my hard-earned $20.00! I didn't fall victim, and they were promptly sent on their way. Fortunately, I took a picture of this pair. I'm passing their photo around so they won't suck in poor, unsuspecting victims. I know you will pass this on to all of your neighbours incase they are duped. I do hope I warned you in time. If you don't have a driveway this may not really apply to you, but there is no telling what other service they might offer to suck you in.

click to enlarge

Jason Can't Surf wrote:
Subject: Insane Wave
I know you are thinking how the hell could a wave be insane. Well here it goes. I live on the west coast of CA and a place called Mavericks is spitting distance away. Below is a site showing some incredible pictures taken from a bluff just above Ross's Cove. The waves here are big, how big? Just take a look at Jesse as he flies through the air before he hits the base of the wave.

tody wrote:
Subject: hostel girl
Hey, here are some nice pics of two german girls in a youth hostel.Hope, you like it. Found on www.ghetto-gerthe.de (...with an interesting huge Picture-archive). greetz, tody

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Subject: who is this chick?
Im trying to find out who this chick is? She has been referred to as Kim. But without more info than that, I cant find any other pics of her? I was wondering if you or someone else might know?

Got an idea who it is or wanna find out too? Check this thread in Orsm.net Forums. -Orsm

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Samuel wrote:
Hi, I had to send a big apology for not having your contact details when I was writing invites to my house warming this past Saturday. Here's a picture of who was there and what was happening. Please forgive me and I promise next time you will be first on the list of invites. I want your details so I can invite you to any of my upcoming bashes!!

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This guy is riding his horse through the west and comes across a camp of bandits. He is captured and is sentenced to death. The head leader of the camp of bandits says to the man, "You have three requests to fulfil before I kill you!" The man says okay and goes to talk to his horse. He whispers something to the horse and the horse goes off.

The next morning the horse returns with a red-headed woman. The man and the woman spend the night together, and the following morning the leader tells the prisoner that he has two more wishes. The man again whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse and the red-head go off into the sunset. The next morning the horse returns to the camp with a blonde. The man and the blonde spend the night together.

The next morning the leader lets the man know he has only one wish left. The man goes to the horse grabs him by the ears and yells, "I said go and get the POSSE!!!!"

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A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates. "Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man." The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says. "No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is disappointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is. So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off really well and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. They continue with their 'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is." So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs. "Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!" "And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.

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One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.

Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.

The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands and not in your mouth this time."

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These are some pics of the supply boast that service the rigs oil rigs in the North Sea. Looks like it'd get pretty hairy at times...

Supply Boats - Supply Boats - Supply Boats - Supply Boats - Supply Boats - Supply Boats

One day during confession the priest had to take a shit. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. "Father I must talk with you" she says. The father asked her to wait in the booth. She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment.

So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied "I had sex with a married man". Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery then tells the women to say ten hail-mary's and bless herself in holy water.

Then a man comes in. "Forgive me father I stole money." Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-mary's and bless himself in holy water. Soon a woman came in and said forgive me father I gave a man a blowjob. Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing, he then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and see's little Billy the alter boy.

Ray called for Billy. "What does the father give for a blowjob?" Little Billy looks at ray and says a "snickers bar and a pat on the back!"

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A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Why, yes," replied the lady. "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

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A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and says "I want to play with your tits all night." shocked, the woman says "oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? He's my boyfriend and he'll kick your ass!"

The man replies "I still want to play with your tits all night, and fill your cunt with beer and drink it." Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and tells him what's going on, "That man over there says he wants to play with my tits all night." the boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves. She then says "he also said he wants to fill my cunt up with beer and drink out of it" the boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking. "What are you doing, aren't you going to kick his ass?" The boyfriend smugly replies," I ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."

Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly - Holly

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A guy is walking through the jungle and he falls into quicksand. He is up to his waist when a guy walks by. "Get me outta here" he says "I'll do anything." The guy says "will you suck my dick?" The man in the quicksand replies "no way I'm not a fag!" The man walks off.

The guy is up to his shoulders when another guy walks by. "Get me outta here" says the guy in quicksand "I'll do anything." "Will you suck my dick" asks the guy. "No way, I'm not a fag" replies the guy in quicksand. The guy walks off.

Now the quicksand is up to his lower lip and a third guy walks by. Knowing this is his last chance the guy in quicksand says "Get me outta here man, I'll suck your dick!" The guy goes "No way I'm not a fag." and walks away.

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Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."


Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"

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In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said,"my mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said "my father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her" my grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex. So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

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The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 6:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.

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A guy is driving along a lonely stretch of highway in Texas when he sees a huge billboard that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 20 miles." The man is surprised but doesn't think much of it. A couple of minutes later, he passes another sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 10 miles." He chuckles to himself, because it's sort of humerous. It's not too long before he passes another sign, this one reading "Grandmaw's whore-house, 5 miles." Now he's getting a little curious, so he starts looking out for the place, just wanting to get a look.

When he sees a sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house here", he decides that it wouldn't do any harm to look around a little. So he gets out and walks into the old shack. At the desk is a wrinkly, old woman. The woman asks for $20 and tells the man to go into the first room on his left. the man does and he sees a sign in the room that says "Go through into the next room". The man does so and he finds a sign in the next room that says "go through again to the next room". He does and he finds himself outside the shack as the door slams behind him. he turns around and written in bold red letters on the door he sees "Congratulations, you just got Fucked by Grandmaw.

A veritable plethora of absolute Random Shite for you guys this week and all of, and I mean ALL of it 100% stink proof... or something. Random Shite viewer can still be found here too!

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A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, "Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"

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Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." "And be there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she. "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya." "Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "Have you any little one yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?" "Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle."


Ah yes... Part 2 of the Mimi McPherson sex tape. I'm assuming by the reaction [and the 20k + download count of part 1] you guys quite like seeing dear Mimi playing with her bits? As I said last week there's 6 parts to this so make sure you tune back in next week for part 3.

- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 2 -

Anyways dude that's about all you are getting out of me this week. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out the newest most kick ass site on the net! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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