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Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome to me being in
a fucking good mood! Did someone mention holidays by any chance?
So far so good is the best way to describe the
last week but wow has it flown along at light speed! In case you
were wondering [which I'm sure you guys weren't] we finally took
possession of our new house last Friday. Timing is everything and
as I have rent paid up until the end of this month we planned to
do some work on it before I move. It wasn't with out a few minor
annoyances though...
"Can I just make a suggestion?". Next time someone
asks me that I'm going to take out my hammer and make a suggestion
on some part of their head.
Basically all that was planned was to tear up
the carpets [so we could eliminate that stale old person's smell]
and use some of that timber flooring stuff you get to cover up the
hideous 'lino' that graced the kitchen. The idea was to get it all
done over the weekend so the floor boards guy could give the rest
of the house a coat or polish this week.
So Dad and I rocked up for a 9am start on Saturday
and began. The carpets came up pretty easily and there were no big
surprises hidden underneath. Next we started on laying the flooring...
the things about this stuff is that it looks easy and relatively
straightforward but in actual fact it's a pain in the ass and not
to mention time consuming when you have to cut it in around door
frames and the like. It ended up taking us a day and a half in total
to get it all done but thankfully the end result was well worth
it.
Mixed in there was my mum, my brother and an
aunty. Mother dearest 'suggested' we strip some wall paper off while
we had the chance so that became their job. They went and hired
a couple of steamers and began doing the main bedroom. All I can
figure was from this point was that the steam went to their brains
because all I heard every couple of minutes coming from that fucking
room was "Can I just make a suggestion?". By mid-afternoon Sunday
I had enough: "NO MORE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS! ALL I HAVE HAD IS FUCKING
SUGGESTIONS! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR SUGGESTION IS THE BEST FUCKING
SUGGESTION EVER - NO MORE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS!!". This lingual masterpiece
was quite effective. Not only did it cause all suggestions to cease
but had the effect of making a couple of people stop talking to
me altogether.
You may be wondering what all the suggestions
were about right? First I should point out that they were all 'suggested'
in my best interest but generally had to do with why don't I do
such and such before the floor board guy came. There's a good chance
that me explaining on at least 147 separate occasions that he was
booked for the Monday and couldn't be changed hadn't quite sunk
in but you cant blame me for someone else's ears not working.
By the time Sunday nite rolled around I was completely
shattered. My back was sore, my legs were killing and my brain was
near shut down. I'm pretty sure the last time I did as much physical
labour was when I last had a real job 6 years ago. Add to that the
inevitable nonchalant tension you get when sticking two divorced
parents together in the same room. Despite the minor annoyances
I did find it extremely rewarding to see how much the place had
transformed in less than two days though.
Anyway, this weekend should be another killer.
I've got to finish packing all my stuff into boxes and get the house
semi-presentable in time to move out by Monday morning. I almost
feel flustered because I don't quite no where to start but you know
what they say - pick an edge and work your way in.
The funny thing is that I'll almost be sad to
go. In the grand scheme of things three years really aint that long
to be live somewhere but this place truly is my comfort zone.
On to something I mentioned a few weeks back
and what I have been hanging out like crazy for - I am officially
on holidays as of tomorrow! Woohoo! Unfortunately I am not going
away but plan on using the time to get myself unpacked, settle in,
paint some shit and most importantly sit on my ass. This also means
that there will not be a proper update next week except for a few
bits and pieces that I will update to keep you all happy. The good
news is that I shall return the following week but be absent again
the week after. Does that make sense? Basically I am one week off
one week on for the next few of weeks. On with the update...
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
Have you guys checked out Reality
Skin yet? This site is HOT. Lots of naked pics and movies from
all the Big Brother houses around the world. Boy, go and check the
naked stuff in the Australian Big Brother! Check out this chick
from German
Big Brother getting pierced! Theres also lots of amateur homemade
pics and movies, check out these hot
drunk girl pics. So do yourself a favour and go check out Reality
Skin for FREE!!!
I always like to witness a challenge even when
I'm watching porn. Nothing impresses me more than see a little tiny
pussy being spread over a monster cock. Mr.
Biggz says it all - the chicks that take this guy on are truly
my personal heroines of whoredom.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Kung
Fu Master - Paternity
- Stile Pro
- Big Milkers - Naughty
Teen Coed - Hot
Webcam Slut
Cop
This! - Cleaned
Up - Ooops - Exposed
Babes - Slutty
Webcam Tease - Rainbow
Dildo Fun
A man and a woman, who have never met before,
find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
the two retired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good,"
she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!" After a moment
of silence, he farted.
--
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the
other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and
down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great
news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily
from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was
pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed
her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great!
I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's
more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said,
"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have
TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was
the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home
pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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A city boy named Kenny, moved to the country
and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey to him the next day. But the next day, the
farmer drove up in his old truck and told Kenny, "Sorry, son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died. Kenny replied, "Well
then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't
do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just bring me the
donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead
donkey?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The
farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny
said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and
asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" Kenny
said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece
and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't
anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won,
so I gave him his $2 back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman
of Enron.
ORSM
VIDEO
This guy is my new hero...
mostly because he is such an asshole. He hit it big in the
Lotto a few months back so he decided to do what most of us
would - let your hair down and go a little crazy. The first
thing on the list was to buy a huge mansion followed by a
bunch of old cars that he and his mates use to play demolition
derby when ever they feel like it... day or nite. As you can
imagine the neighbours chuffed. Check it...
- Live
The Lotto Dream - |
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The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On
the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded
to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the
size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your
language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind
of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then,
help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size
of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch
I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What
should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never
tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest
headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch,
Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big
Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her
rosary, "Father!" "It's Okay, Sister. That's what
kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then,
what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why,
eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste o
a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the
new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should
fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the
Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish,
the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?" "Father
wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset but please watch
your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch
fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great
meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit,
everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said,
"This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught
that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's
eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son
of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister, as the Bishop's eyes widened
even more. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added,
"And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind
of people!"
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READER MAIL
As you'll see, I've posted a tonne of reader
mail this week. You guy's have been busy little munchkins filling
my inbox with all sorts of stuff from weird to absurd to 'I need
some manual relief immediately'. To everyone who has contributed
I thank you. To the rest of you guys... you're making baby Jesus
cry. Lets do it like this... in the next week 200k people are going
to hit this page and I want an email from at least half of you no
matter how small or insignificant it may be! So what are you waiting
for? Click here to make it happen!
Thomas Crown
wrote:
Subject: fuck the grammar police
They say arguing on the internet is like
competing in the special olympics. Even if you win your
still retarded. If that's true then pointing out people
punctuation errors is like telling a blind man his clothes
don't match, in that even if your right, your still it wanker
for doing it. Since I'm assuming "chem's" is a
contraction of chemicals, you were right in the first place.
Apostrophe designate possessive case, plurals and the omission
of letters. Bad: Telling a blind
man his clothes don't match. Worse: Finding out your just
colour-blind.
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The
Advice Asshole wrote:
Subject: Grammar Nazi
Blair Denholm wrote:
Subject: grammar nazi
He Orsm, This has been annoying the shit out of me for ages,
and now I'm at breaking point. Please, be a good boy and take
out the apostrophe in the following at the bottom of your
homepage. "Until next time be good, stay off the chem's
and behave yourselves!". Mate, I end up asking myself,
"stay of the chem's what?"
>> I do believe,
you meant to say the following, self-proclaimed Nazi of Grammar.
Hey, Orsm, this has been annoying the shit out of me for
ages and now I'm at breaking point. Please, be a good boy
and take out the apostrophe in the following sentence, located
at the bottom of your homepage. "Until next time be good,
stay off the chem's and behave yourselves!". Mate, I
end up asking myself, "stay of the chem's what?"
>> I always find it funny when someone that comes
out and bashes another's spelling/grammar/anything totally
fucks up their "I'm better than you, here's a correction
to what you say/do/whatever" letter. KEEP THIS IN MIND
FOR THE NEXT TIME, YOU FUCKING MORON, IF YOU ARE GOING TO
CORRECT, FIRST CORRECT YOURSELF. |
Gordon Smith
wrote:
Subject: apostrophe!!
Hi Mate. Been avid fan from the beginning;
excellent site. Re: Blair Denholm's questioning of your
use of the apostrophe in chem's. Technically, the way it's
written it is correct as an apostrophe denotes that something
is missing from the word i.e. a letter or several letters.
In this case, the letters i,c,a and l are missing. Chem's
is therefore correct. This is also true of photo's and DVD's.
Chemical's, however, would not be correct.
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Kayne
wrote
Subject: my thoughts on other peoples ideas on life. From
an East Coast perception
Heres something I have been noticing
lately. In my office I have a pretty good view of the street
below & across from me is a taxi rank & public seat.
Now I watch the world go by a lot & found that an old
homeless drunk guy spends most of his day on the public
seat basking in the sun drinking what looks to be a Metho
bottle & yelling at a phone booth. Don't we all wish
for the life! He normally sits there long enough during
the day to piss his pants.... Not that I have a problem
with that, just thought I'd add that in. But, given his
level of social status & outlook on life, I put this
too you... why does a man who is happy to drink methylated
spirits on a daily basis have the conscience to buy DIET
COKE to mix his moonshine?? I have seen him do this on a
regular basis, is it for the taste? I don't think so...
I don't care if you're using Don Perignon (excuse the spelling)
to mix with your still drinking metho! Where does the thought
"hhmm, I better watch my weight & buy me a diet coke
to mix with my METHO!!" I don't know; call me strange but
when you're in that stage of life I thought mixing your
own urine would suffice.
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mikey
wrote:
Subject: congratulations! dude! (sorry, don't know your
name)...
on the closing, and surviving the surge
incident. sounds like it could've been worse, like you were
touching the dryer at the time, pissing on your speakers,
sitting on your new laser mouse, or something. surprised
after all the hard knocks you've had that you haven't found
Jesus, yet. don't knock him till ya try him, you would have
to worry a lot less about insurance with his influence in
your life...sounds like you already have him to thank...you
may not have been talking to him, but he was listening...
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Piove
wrote:
Subject: Latest update...
Mr Orsm, Not many people will go out
on a limb and go public with their beliefs like that. I
too believe in similar things, and am in the middle of deciding
to move country, and job, with a pregnant wife. A lot of
things have been pointing to it being the right thing at
the right time, but it is still hard. Gentle reminders in
the form of your update are welcome! Thanks.
That was a weird blog - I usually
spend all week mulling over ideas for what to write about.
The funny thing was that what ended up as my blog in no
way resembled what I had in my head. I fully expected some
email telling me I was a weird fucker but strangely enough
no one did...
|
Chris
wrote:
Subject: Re: Ute Crush video
A bit of additional info about the
ute crush vid: Recorded at the KCGM Superpit (Kalgoorlie).
The engine, gearbox, etc had been removed from the ute to
avoid damaging the truck tyres (at about AU$25,000 apiece).
Pretty much everyone on site at the time went to watch.
The squashed ute now sits on a stand at the entrance to
the minesite as a not-so-subtle reminder of who comes off
second best in an encounter between a ute and a 793 dump
truck. Expert commentary provided by the KCGM survey team.
Expertly filmed by myself.
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brandon wilson
wrote:
Subject: Baal
I hate to have to slam one of your visitors,
especially if they are actually contributing, but what the
fuck was that lame
shit Baal sent. If he thinks there's only thousands
of viewers, instead of millions, he has his head up his
ass. And if he thinks his 4 cylinder neon sounds tough,
he has his head up his boyfriends ass. A 454 camming sounds
tough. A weedeater sounds like shit.By the way thanks again
for such a fucking lovely site.
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Tony
wrote:
Subject: lois from family guy
thought you might put this on your site,
i got bored the other day and put it together in illustrator,
i guess itd be better if my surname wasnt on it though.
great site, watching for years now, thanks.
Lois is so hot right now. -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: What up.
What's up dude, my girlfriend and I thought
you might like this picture of her pussy. I don't think
I've ever seen you post anyone's info, but please don't
post mine. Later!
Why do you tease me with just
one pic? -Orsm
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Simon Mason
wrote:
Subject: Sometimes your mouth just isnt big enough!!
An old picture from a mates 21st......
though it was appropriate
Again... only one pic? What's
wrong with you people!? I have needs too you know! -Orsm
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Alex
wrote:
Subject: Cookie Man
See what wonders can come of summer
boredom..? Of course he didnt look to hot after he was cooked..
and eaten.
My god that looks so yummy...
except for the cock. -Orsm
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Walden Eero
wrote:
Subject: Racing crash
Finally something to submit... Here's
a pick of a racing accident in Tallinn. The guy flying in
the air got hurt but luckily survived.
... missing how many legs exactly?
-Orsm
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nigel
wrote:
Subject: big hooters
Hi Orsm. thought i would send this hooter
shot that this local slut keeps sending me daily... she
wants to show me and i want to share...post it for all...
keep on trucking orsm :-)
Now that's a man after my own
heart... I want one of those things damn it! -Orsm
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Mr Cube
wrote:
Subject: FPV car pic
Hey Orsm, Im usually a frequent visitor
to your site, though I missed a couple of editions, anyways
was catching up on what I missed and came across the
cars spelling FPV in the RS section. That pic was taking
pretty early early in the day cause my car is not there
yet so I have attached a pic of my car for ya I know your
a Ford man. Could you give us guys a plug? The cars were
from the FPV
and XR
Owners Clubs of ACT and Newcastle.
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David
wrote:
Subject: various pictures :)
Dear Mr. Orsm, Here are some pictures
of myself, for no apparent reason, other than I'm drunk
and therefore I think it's a good idea.
Any money you forgot you sent
these to me? -Orsm
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Brad Smede
wrote:
Subject: funny photo...
hey it might be a bit late but ive been
too lazy to send it until now. anyway i was at the local
brumbies bakery about a month ago just as the whole pope
thing was dying down. took it upon myself to improve their
signage "pizza rope and chocolate rope". also
i was going to bitch about late update but i guess youre
2 hours behind me so i forgive you (also because youve kept
me entertained for so many years). excuse shit qual its
with my phone.
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A. Miles
wrote:
Subject: Couldnt Resist: Tom Gets Owned.
My photoshop skills suck... but this
was too good to leave. If you post it up on your page please
don't put my details. Keep up the good work and I hope you
get a chuckle!
As much as I'm a fan I doubt this
is the first time Tom has had a cock in his face... -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: big bro pics
my man, the god of throb, king dingaling
Mr ORSM himself, Being a fan of naked females like i know
you are i thort i would share some images i have captures
int he last week of the female housemates of Big Brother
Australia.. there are a few so post what you will as only
you have the power..(get it... just like they say with their
voting sayings..haha)... enjoy....
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: The Progression of Drunkenness
This is my buddy on his 21st Birthday.
The night started off good but ended kind of pissy. P.S. Don't
show my info
We'll file this under 'another one of those things I swear
has never happened to me'... -Orsm |
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Pics
Morning Mr. Orsm, We recently discovered,
thanks to you, newbienudes. We have been premium members
for a little over a week and have managed to post something
like 59 pictures. Please find attached a couple of examples
of my g/f. Also if you want to see more, click here.
It goes direct to our photos, enjoy (warning: some pictures
contain cock ;)). Also can you remove my name and email
as a lot of friends irl visit both sites and we might not
be able to look them in the face anymore.
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James Munns
wrote:
Subject: boxster vs Bird strike!
This is what happens if your car hit a
bird at high speed.
Kamikaze bird... at least it had good taste I guess. -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Here are those photo's I was talking about
how stupid can ya be too sit at ya work
computer take photo's of ya self with the company camera
tugging ya self at the work computer then getting ya self
sacked and escorted of the premises and leaving the evidence
for all to see. He might have been looking at the ORSM site,
what do ya recken.
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vince
wrote:
Subject: yeah...another one..
Come see our new
design! I've redone the whole site, I hope you will
love it. Here's another vr6 video haha. Good job orsm.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Body search!!
Love your site! Bookmarked it a couple
a years ago. Sending you a vid of the new US Homeland Security
search policies. As you know if they suspect you are hiding
something( or someone) they will look in every crevisse
you have. Feel free to warn every one about this!! Please
no name if possible. Keep up the good work!! Your site ROCKS!!
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Cazz
wrote:
Subject: Leave the Kangas alone!
Hey Orsm, Cazz here. I think that guy
last week with the dead kanga is appalling. You don't need
to kill them to take happy snaps with them Take these for
example. Feels free too post
What's that noise, Skip? -Orsm
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Johnee D'Shea
wrote:
Subject: WTF!!??
Wild Thing rollercoaster is in Shakopee,
MN @ ValleyFair. Here's a virtual ride. Speaking of rides...check
out a Paris Hilton wannabe... tee hee hee!!!
He does things to me that you'll never know... -Orsm |
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is
given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's
boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer
won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the
lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the
Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can
he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions
eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect
honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked
by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because
lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like
here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we
had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees..."
A young woman, down on her luck,
decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold,
dark waters of Fremantle Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the
dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled
by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly
asked.
"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl. Putting
his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge,
"Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for
Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new
life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the
deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after
you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects
agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to
her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love
to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was
performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He
peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded
an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away
to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me
up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and...
he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a
moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He
sure is darlin', this is the Rottnest Ferry!!
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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted
to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. "The words
were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone
turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the
croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes
with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like
head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping
the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The
water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the
croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the
croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then
slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in awe.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon
I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you all right bloke,
I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man,
I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about
half a million bucks then?"
"No bloke. I don't want it," answered
Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked,
"Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I
want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the Pool."
ORSM
VIDEO
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits
upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared
the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what
are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother
replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since
I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after
some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The
prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand
to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
and a beautiful mansion spawned around her. Cinderella said, "Ooh,
thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least
that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella
looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her
wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella
felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella
looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her,
he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world
had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations,
Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright
blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she
appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into
each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now..."
RANDOM SHITE
I procrastinated long and hard
about what to include in this weeks RS. The usual questions
plagued me - do I keep it sanitary or go the whole hog and
gross everyone out. When you think about it we're all different
and we all like different things so there's probably a few
of you out there who will get off on some of the more risqué
inclusions. Check it...
RS
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend,
who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything
to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then,
a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
willing to give up 1/4 of your sex life?" Thinking that the
man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also
feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure,"
and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
"Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would
it be worth giving up another 1/4 of your sex life?" Shrugging,
the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle
to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly
moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving
up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies,
and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house,
the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I guess I have taken
unfair advantage of you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the
devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice
to meet you," the golfer replies, "I think I am the one that really
got the better of this deal, Mr Devil - I'm Father O'Malley."
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
to the man and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow me," she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a
few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her
to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage
him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell!!"
Well boys and girls I think its time we bring
this update to a close and get on with our lives. It’s been
a labour of love but one that I have enjoyed dedicating my week
to. If you’re smart you’ll check back next week to see
if I have made any additions because knowing myself as I do I will
feel compelled to park my ass in front of the computer and doing
something productive.
In the mean time if you’d like to show
me some love and buy
me a house warming gift then swing by my wish list and go hard!
You know you want to...
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and
be good to your mother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
