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June 2006...
 
orsmupdate 2006.06.29-22.24
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Welcome to Orsm.net. How do you like THEM updates?

Another week, another update. How quickly they seem to come and go. It's been a pretty massive last seven days around here and if I knew this weekend would be any quieter I may actually be looking forward to it...

Depending on where you are in the world you may have heard about the horrific murder of an eight year old girl here in Perth earlier this week. The story goes that she had gone to make a quick trip to the toilet. When she didn't return for fifteen minutes her brother went to check if everything was okay only to discover a man running from the same toilet. He gave chase, lost him and returned to find his sister naked and dead. A fucked up and tragic story.

Not that it wasn't interesting enough already but some time Wednesday an email began circulating stating that the murderer was one of the same lowlifes that killed James Bulger in London in 1993. One of the boys and his family were given new identities and relocated from the UK somewhere, sometime in the last few years which gave the rumour some credibility.

Due to the email spreading like wildfire across Perth, Australia and apparently the rest of the world, authorities went into overdrive saying it is definitely not the same person. They've also apparently compared fingerprints with the current murderer and the Bulger murderers and apparently there is no match. Then why do I smell bullshit?

A couple of things still don't add up. Firstly, there was no major manhunt. The guy escaped the scene of the crime yet he was in custody in no time. Maybe the cops knew exactly where to look for someone who'd do this? Secondly, his name is Dante Arthur's. Apparently one of the boys convicted in London had a grandfather named Arthur Dante. Coincidence? Thirdly, apparently the accused murderer is a pom.

The final thing is more of a conspiracy theory but is it really beyond belief that politicians and authorities would seek to cover up the fact it's the same guy? Of course they can't admit it and what would they have to gain by doing so? Imagine the questions... why was he ever allowed to come here? Who is responsible? One thing is for sure - if it's ever proven that the same guy who killed a toddler in London was freed and allowed to come to Australia only to kill again then I imagine some heads would roll in a very big way...

click here for more

Australia versus Italy... I don't really want to jump on the 'we were robbed' bandwagon here but all I know is that awarding a team a penalty that wasn't really a penalty in a tied match, in the last 10 seconds is pretty fucking dodgy. It wouldn't be too far from the truth to say that the Socceroo's were subject to a whole bunch of terrible umpiring in all of their games and [as someone emailed me earlier] not surprisingly three of the umpires that officiated Socceroo games were dismissed by FIFA from the World Cup.

Last weekend was massive. Saturday started with manic running around trying to get a million bits and pieces out of the way knowing full well that the rest of the weekend was going to be a write-off. By 4pm I was dressed and ready for the night ahead and it wasn't too long after that I had my first beer down all in the name of a friends' engagement party.

To cut a very, very long story short I somehow managed almost twelve solid hours of drinking and by the time I made it home I was so tired I collapsed on my bed without getting a single drop of water down my throat. Big fucking mistake.

I woke up on Sunday morning at around 8am with the worst headache ever, grabbed a rather large gulp of water and returned back to bed for the next four hours to feel sorry for myself and begin a three day hangover. And that ladies and gentlemen was me for the rest of the weekend. Never, never again I swear... until the next time anyway.

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Angry Hottie - Awesome Game - Victoria? - FLURL Videos - Makin' Me Dizzy - Pie Face - Orsm Forums

Britney Naked - Latina Godess - Foamy - RateMyPix! - Fantastic Boobs - Shakira's Ass - Dumb Ass - Tasty Treats

Just heard an Australian soccer fan was arrested after the game in Germany, charged with assaulting an Italian Soccer fan. The Italian fan suffered fractures, bruising, abrasions and a fractured skull. As a result of these horrendous injuries, the Italian man has anxiety, depression and has now developed Diabetes. The Australian was 20 metres away at the time of the attack. The Italian is expected to make a full recovery in 5 minutes.
--
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."

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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep condoms in your car!

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician says "There's no charge" "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."

click here for more

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?" "This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!" The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?". "Yes".

"What's in the third box?" The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. Its 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!" The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?" "YES SIR!"

The man had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Mail anyone? I've got tonnes of it. Actually now that I think of it, it's been a while since you guys punished my inbox as hard as you did this week. It got to the point where I just closed Outlook for hours at a time because I got sick of hearing the new mail alert tone. Very impressive.

Anyway if you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and possibly have your shenanigans posted on the main page of Orsm.net for the world to see then high on our want list are naked pics of your current or ex, videos, jokes, pictures or absolutely anything you can staple to an email and ram down the internet... all you must do is click this magic link and make the magic happen.

PunchRobert.com wrote:
Subject: Urban Ninja
Hey man, hope you're well. Here's 2 new vids you might like. One I made last night - scared the SHIT out of my buddy. The other is the trailer for urban ninja 2. Hope you like 'em. Your site is the BEST.

Kinetsu Hayabusa is back! -Orsm

click to watch video click to watch video

Alex wrote:
Subject: Gutted
Hi everyone... What Im about to say, I only say it coz Im passionate about the whole situation... Im sure most of you are pretty gutted at this mornings loss to the Italians........ It was made under another contraversal referee decision. I thought these bloody AFL umpires were bad, but the refs in the world cup have taken "Bad Decisions" to another level. I was born in Argentina and both my parents are Italian, so basically I have Italian blood running thru my veins. But in saying that, I hope the Italians get flogged from whichever team comes up against them in their next match or matches. Italy should not of gone thru due to the fact that the Aussie outplayed them in almost every aspect of the game.....This is a referee's game not "The World Game". Give me AFL footy anyday..... I dont want to be a part of the World Game if matches are decided like this and Im sure most Aussies will feel the same. Italy go F**K yourselves.

V wrote:
Subject: Breastmilk coffee..
Hiya Orsm, Hate to burst your bubble, but you've been had. Trust me, to express breastmilk, you need to depress the areola and nipple to stimulate the milk. Watching the vid, her hand was squeezing the breast more than likely to hold open a valve from a tube that was concealed under her blouse. Note her right hand never left her side - that's where a pouch containing the milk was probably concealed! The faces of the customers however, was priceless!

Tara wrote:
Subject: Girl with a great ass
Hi. I saw just at a porn convention in LA and I took some great up close shots of Kinzie Kenner's ass! Here is the whole gallery.

Barnz wrote:
Subject: Orsm Site!
Hi there! I've been an avid reader for some time now, and look forward each week for your update. I don't know how you find the time to put so much together each week! I happend upon a great picture of Nikki from the current BB7 here in the UK. It's one of her promo shots before she entered the house oops!

click to enlarge

M wrote:
Subject: You too can speak Welsh
Orsm, Closet fan here - been a fairly regular viewer ever since my Aussie trip in 1999 - 2000. Anyway, did you know that you too can speak Welsh? Just look at this garage sign in Wales - what services do you think they offer? Keep it up.

click to enlarge

Cesar Carrera wrote:
Subject: Porsche GT3 - top speed pic
Hi there, I'm sending you this photo, it was taken last Saturday on Germany on a no speed limit highway. It is impossible to drive faster, I swear!!!

Fucking crazy. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Wilton Kerr wrote:
Subject: Funny pic from Perth
A mate of mine managed to fix this up with some retro humour. Werd to ya mother.

Turn off the lights and I'll glow. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Paul Edwards wrote:
Subject: WC girly
Hello mate, I think she's overrated myself but hey, here's the pictures from our 'VIP cabin' at the Brazil v Australia fan fest zone. Cheerio.

click for gallery

ro dawg wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig the Cup Part 1
Hi orsm, Looking at this week's orsm.net and I saw the World Cup pic contributions sent in and I couldn't help but send in my own. My friends and I (about 10 of us) correspond via email (gotta love "Reply All") with our opinions and such through the tournament - discussing matches and match-ups, etc. One email theme I employ is "Chicks Dig the Cup" where I send pics of women from the different countries attending the World Cup. It has been a hit ever since I started doing this during the last World Cup in 2002.

click for gallery

Sabby wrote:
Subject: Pix of my Thai wife.
Hi Orsm, Great website you got there, yada, yada, yada. In truth, it's been in my bookmarks for bloody years - since about the time you started up anyway. (When was that?) I have referred your site to hundreds of my mates, and they all visit it. Thought you and your website visitors might appreciate some pix of my Thai wife. She's got a lovely body for lovemaking, and has born us a beautiful daughter. Here we are practising for the next child.

click for gallery

JERRY G wrote:
Subject: CHEATIN' EX
HEY, ORSM LOVE YOUR SITE. BEEN CHECKIN' IT OUT FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS OR SO. THESE ARE SOME PIC'S OF MY CHEATING SLUT OF A WIFE THAT I USED TO HAVE. CAUGHT HER CHEATIN ON ME WITH ANOTHER MARRIED GUY.... GO FIGURE... POST EM' IF YOU LIKE... PLEASE DON'T USE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS. KEEP ON ROCKIN'

click for gallery

WQ wrote:
Subject: rally car takes a swim
Hello, This weekend was the ypres westhoek rally. One of the drivers had a bit of bad luck and ended up his car sunk in a dung-pit. Here's the comment and the video. I'll hope you put it up.

click to watch video

Louis, Mo USA wrote:
Subject: may be worthy?
Mr. O: I am a longtime fan and look forward to Thursdays! Wanted to share the power of technology. Post it if you think if is worthy. Cool if you credit it to St. Louis, Mo USA. Please keep the other details confidential.

click to watch video

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: room clear
Hey Orsm, im back again with more firearm fun. this clip is my mates and i training. its a "room clearing" scenario. The objective is the silver target that falls at the end of the room, the blue object on entry is a civillian. we simulate civillians due to live ammunition.

click to watch video

Ken wrote:
Subject: Brocky the legend
I won a contest to drive around Bathurst in Brockys A9X Torana thanks to Bowden's own car care who own the car as well as most of the famous Aussie race cars. It was the 25th anniversary of Brockys crushing win at Bathurst 1979 . Way back then, it was probably the moment Brocky became a legend . He won the race by an increasable 6 laps and when most drivers would be cruising around on the last lap waving at the crowd Brocky thought Fuck this . He broke the lap record. Unbelievable ! Hope you enjoy it

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was complete with shag carpets and a double mattress. Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!" The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity. So, in a flash of inspiration, he ran outside and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van. He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex."

The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, sir, they are." The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease."

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RANDOM SHITE
With the plethora of World Cup related stuff flying around this week I thought it only fair to fill RS with some of the better ones... and there's definitely a few of those in there. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat ugly slag'".

click here for more

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

YOUR CAT-FU IS STRONG

Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu

Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu - Cat-Fu

click here for more

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of KY jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse... "Darn it ELAINE!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

ORSM VIDEO

Well boys and girls it's that time again. Another update done and dusted and trust me when I say I'm more than happy about this. Not because I don't like doing updates, but because I am absolutely buggered - my eyes are hanging out of my head and I haven't had time to eat today so dinner is a high priority at this point.

If you were wondering when I will return with a whole new update then I suggest next Thursday would be a good time to check back. I update this bitch once a week because I haven't figured out how to cram five days into one and update daily. Anyway if in the meantime you needed something to keep you occupied then feel free to harass you family, friends, neighbours and coworkers by telling them constantly to check out this fucking fantastic website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and watch out for the skin deep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.06.22-22.33
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Lets hug it out, bitch.

To answer the question I know you're all dying to ask - I'm good! And it's been a much busier and more interesting week than the last couple. My only real complaint is the bloody weather. We apparently hit some all time record low over the weekend which was -0.6° Celsius or for those using the old system around 30° Fahrenheit. Far, far, far too cold for my blood and it's finally time again to proclaim I can't fucking wait for summer...

As you may remember I spent part of last week's blog crapping on about my dire need to sort curtains for my bedroom and parts of the house so I could block the sun from waking me up every morning at the crack of dawn. I managed to make a quick stop on my travels last Friday to what is basically the cheapest place in town for that kind of shit. After listening for ten minutes to some patronising homosexual guy about the best way to curtain the windows I'd heard enough. Turns out that this shit aint cheap and I was staring down the barrel of over $500! Screw that for a joke.

I did manage to solve the problem though... or at least temporarily. It was as simple as finding an old blanket and nailing it across the window opening. Okay so it may be crude and covered in dog fur but I can now sleep uninterrupted.

After failure to successfully hurt my credit card the previous day I woke up Saturday with a mission to rectify that and went shopping for something I've wanted for absolutely ages - a coffee machine. So I jumped in the car and spent the next few hours driving around trying to decide what one to get. Several hours later it was mission: punish credit card successful.

When I finally got home later in the day and unpacked the damn thing I soon realised it was missing the two most important pieces rendering it practically useless. Further inspection revealed it wasn't brand new too - someone had obviously had their hands on it before so I stuck it back in the box and returned it Monday.

This got me thinking how everything I own seems to be breaking lately. Last Sunday for instance one of my computer hard drives suddenly failed for no particular reason, without warning and took a whole chunk of data I didn't particularly want to lose with it. That was followed up Tuesday with one of the site servers completely shitting itself however thankfully we got that sorted today.

click here for more

It's been more or less the same for the last few months. My car [too much to list!], line trimmer, hedge trimmer, fish pond pump, DVD player, air conditioner, garage door... and they're just the ones that spring to mind! Seriously though - am I jinxed? All I can say is thank Christ for warranties.

Sunday was a pretty sweet day and ended up being entirely dog-centric. Around midday some friends rocked over with the ingenious idea of doing 'something'. After a great deal of thought and ponderance we settled on heading to the marina for ice cream. What better way to spend a warm winter day? I also bundled the dog in the back of the car and brought her with us. Not surprisingly she loved it. People everywhere and a million new things to sniff and smell.

After that it was back this way where I was introduced to something I had never noticed before literally two minutes from my house - a dedicated dog reserve. Basically it's a free for all for dogs. They are allowed off the leash, there's water, grass and bushland - pretty much doggie heaven.

Sunday wasn't over there. I managed to get my car clean top to bottom, spend some quality time with dog [again] and do the housework. Having said that I am starting to realise how much of a domesticated little bitch I have become...

Australia vesus Brazil... what an awesome game! Just a shame that we lost although at least we did so valiantly. The next game is tonight at 3am except this time I doubt I'll last long enough to watch it. By the way I'm tipping the Aussies to win...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

What A Troll - Awesome Game - The iPotty - Britney Trash - Pam Anderson - RateMyPix! - Bad Dad - Cruel Fuckers

So Cool! - Deer Hunter - Jessica Biel Sex - Kinky Bitch - Oral Sex - Total Hotness - Scar-Non? - Foamy's News

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father dies, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass on. Then I will inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother...
--
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip. "Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis," the doctor said... "Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news. Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years!"

IT'S ALL SERIOUSLY SINDY

Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy

Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy - Sindy

click here for more

A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead."

Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Johnny said, "Just unload the donkey anyway."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Johnny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "Oh yes I can! Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $798.00."

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really great guy."

Johnny grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Australia, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he took from Aussie voters, as long as he gave them back some of the money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"

The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!" The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar.

They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips out the sausage and the second starts sucking on it. "What the bloody hell are you doing? You dirty bastards! - Get out of my bar!" yells the bartender, and the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues for some hours.

At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's divvy it up and eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first drunk. "Oh, yeah... the sausage. I dropped the sausage on the floor about eight bars ago!"

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READER MAIL
It felt like there was barely a trickle of incoming mail this week but as it turned out, nothing was further from the truth. I think being online so much over the weekend and keeping on top of it as opposed to discovering 500 new emails first thing Monday morning helped. As usual there was a tone of good shit that I didn't manage to squeeze in below but I will try and make up for it next week with another Overflow.

Anyway if you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff viewed by tens of billions then we are always more than chuffed to see nude ex pictures, any videos of pretty much anything, jokes and pretty much anything else you can attach to an email. All you must do is click here and make the sending magic happen!

Matt Wheatley wrote:
Subject: sexy socceroos fan
Hey man, Over here in Japan they were devisted at the loss. Aussies should still be proud of our performance against world no1 Brazil. Especially because one of our supporters was the HOTTEST GIRL IVE EVER SEEN! You have to post this pic! I found out her name is Renee Burgess, and shes from the Gold Coast. Does anyone have any more details/pics about her?

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The fans..
World cup soccer fans... Which fan is your favourite? England's is interesting.

I'll take the Swede, Thanks. -Orsm

click for gallery

GKS wrote:
Subject: COOL BILLBOARD IN BRISBANE
Hey, wanna buy a forklift? Here's a billboard from Brisbane. Cheers.

How the fork could anyone say no to an offer like that? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Afro wrote:
Subject: Just some fun
Orsm, A few guys from work were discussing different names for pussy and decided to make a list of them. To make it a little bit harder we had to come up with names that started with each letter on the alphabet. The results are in the added pdf file. I'm sure this will get some heated discussing going in work places as it did ours.

click to enlarge

Tamara Denshire wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Thought I'd send you this photo of my supposed best friend who slept with my boyfriend.

I think the best way to punish her is to keep sending me naked pics of this naughty, naughty girl... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Tom wrote:
Subject: How to be a statistic. by Tom
Basically this happened after a car merged into my lane and bounced me over a median and into merged traffic. After realizing the bike was not recoverable, I bailed off and ended up sliding across the freeway on my side and back.

click for more

Bobby Ward wrote:
Subject: A TRUE AMERICAN MOM
Karla Comfort received a lot of looks and even some salutes from people when she drove from Benton, Ark., to Camp Pendleton, Calif., in her newly- painted, custom Hummer H3 March 2. The vehicle is adorned with the likeness of her son, 20-year-old Lance Cpl. John M. Holmason, and nine other Marines with F Company, 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division who where all killed by the same improvised explosive device blast in Fallujah, Iraq, in December.

click for more

Anthony Gatt wrote:
Subject: American way to sell boats!!!
There is only on comment language to increase your sales target, follow the American dream. SUNDANCE MARINE'S BOOTH AT THE MIAMI BOAT SHOW.

click for gallery

Volardo wrote:
Subject: my ex-girlfriend
hi mr orsm. I love your site, so I want to contribute to it with my exgirfriend pics. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Volardo from Mexico

Bravo! -Orsm

click for gallery

Twhizz wrote:
subject: rally pics
hi orsm, went with some friends to the NEC Australian Rally Championship here in Queensland, took some great shots, thought you might like to use them for your site. Keep up the orsm work!

click for gallery

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: Tommy Gun
Heres a genuine 1941 .45 cal Thompson sub machine gun ("Tommy gun) firing 50 rounds.

Looks like fucking awesome fun! -Orsm

click to watch video

andrew english wrote:
Subject: andrew english smokin rubber
dude love ur site never had anything to send in but, so got some one to film my suzuki tlr100 smoking it up on church st parramatta,all the latte sipping up class fuckers loved choking on my smoke please post it up thanks

click to watch video

niall harris wrote:
Subject: the ex
the ex

That gave me a good laugh. -Orsm

click to watch video

byoung wrote:
Subject: video for your site
Mr. Orsm - Your site rocks! I look forward to Thursdays as much as Fridays! Anyway, among my online surfing, I came across this video that has probably the sexiest striptease I've ever seen. I just had to let you know about it!

click to watch video

ORSM PORN
Free PORN vids anyone? Basically you just click on the video you want to watch and it opens your media player and a pop up window asking you to install something. To be honest I was completely sceptical but after trying it myself and seeing no negative effects, plus the fact it is completely free, I don't think there is anything to worry about! Check it...

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The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. The boss excuses him.

Come Tuesday morning the man shows up as promised and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Again the boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." The boss excuses him again but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long." "Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!" Man says, "Yeah... I told you I was sick!"

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LOVING THOSE LINES

Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta

Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta

IF FOOTY CLUBS WERE WOMEN...

Adelaide Crows - Delta Goodrem. Tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.

Brisbane Lions - Elle MacPherson. Past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.

Carlton Blues
- Whitney Houston. Has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.

Collingwood Magpies
- Amelie Mauresmo. Last woman on Earth scenario : you still wouldn't.

Essendon Bombers
- Katie Holmes. Has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

Fremantle Dockers
- Danii Minogue. Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.

Geelong Cats
- Britney Spears. At times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.

Hawthorn Hawks
- Christina Aguilera. Looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.

Kangaroos - Paris Hilton. Lay's down way too easily.

Melbourne Demons
- Princess Diana. May be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.

Port Adelaide Power
- Madonna. Also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.

Richmond Tigers
- Annabel Chong. Can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.

St Kilda Saints
- Krystal from Big Brother. Has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Sydney Swans
- J-Lo. Quality all over, but especially good down back.

Western Bulldogs
- Shakira. Proof that being short is no barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.

West Coast Eagles
- Kylie Minogue. Very decent despite not having much up front.

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognising a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

click here for more

Wife tells her husband over breakfast: "I've had this incredible dream: we were making love and there was this huge African man standing behind us, fanning us with this huge fan on a pole. It was so exciting, I had four orgasms!"

The comment played on the man's mind all day and sure enough, he managed to find a huge African man who was prepared to fan them for a reasonable fee.

That night, the couple made love. But lo and behold, there was no orgasm. The wife proposed that her husband and the huge African man swap places and so they did. Wife and African went at it and the orgasms kept coming, while the husband fanned away.

When it was all over, the husband tapped the huge African man on the shoulder and said: "See - that's how you have to use the fan."

click here for more

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

ORSM VIDEO

Did I mention that that's it for this week? No? Okay... girls and boys - that's IT for this week! As always it's been a labour of love culminating in a big sticky update that most of you guys no doubt spent mere moments picking through thus mocking my efforts and for that I thank you [I get off on humiliation].

If you were wondering when I will return with a whole new update then I suggest next Thursday would be a good time to check back. I update this bitch once a week because I haven't figured out how to cram five days into one and update daily. Anyway if in the meantime you needed something to keep you occupied then feel free to harass you family, friends, neighbours and coworkers by telling them constantly to check out this fucking fantastic website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Go Aussie Go! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.06.15-22.26
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Welcome to Orsm.net. How's my update? Call 1-800-EAT-ME.

So how are we all this week? Good? Me... not too bad. It's been the quietest and therefore most boring week I can remember for a long time although that isn't really such a bad thing. It makes a nice change from months gone by.

I love when optimism pays off - it so rarely does... although I have to admit that up until the last few minutes before the game against Japan started on Monday I didn't think the Socceroo's had a chance. It was then that something twigged inside my brain and told me that they had it wrapped up.

As I mentioned last week I've never been much of a soccer fan but after watching what can only be described as one of the greatest games ever played that might all have changed. I'm now looking forward to the Australia/Brazil match this Sunday with just as much optimism and even more enthusiasm than before and I'm going to say Australia 1 Brazil 0.

The past weekend was rather lacklustre to say the least. I woke up bright and early with absolutely nothing to do so after a shower and quick email check that it would be a good idea to give the kitchen a quick clean. Of course one thing led to another and soon after it was all on.

The main point of focus was the oven... something I have never cleaned once since living here and by the looks of it neither had the previous owners. For the record it was a disaster zone so I quickly unloaded an entire can of oven cleaner in to it and went about my business cleaning the rest of the kitchen. Let this be a lesson to always read instructions and especially the ones that say stuff like 'make sure area is well ventilated' because a few minutes following I began to feel all light headed and suffered a fierce coughing fit. Nasty.

click here for more

After recovering from that I almost did it to myself again except this time it was with shower cleaner in the bathroom. Quite funny really and just one more reason to get a cleaning lady like we used to have at the last place I lived.

The rest of the day was spent trying to finish what I had started except for a short interlude where I did battle with an iPod and iTunes. Is it just me or is that software the biggest piece of crap ever? I don't mean to blow my own trumpet here but I am pretty good with computers but the whole process of deleting and transferring music to one almost defeated me.

Sunday... same deal with sweet nothing planned for the day so after hearing the shops were open due to some charity related thing I jumped in the car to head up and do groceries. The main thing that struck me was how fucking convenient it was and so it makes sense to you guys I should point out that here in little old Perth, Western Australia shops aren't open seven days a week. We get Monday through Saturday until 5pm except Thursdays which its 9pm. I now regret voting against in the state referendum we had on the subject 18 months ago!

This weekend is looking just as dull and boring as the last. At the moment all I have planned is to sort some curtains for my bedroom. It's almost amusing but for the last two or three days now I get immediately woken at sunrise by the sun beaming through my window. Until now it has never been a problem but obviously with the time of year and what I assume is the position of the earth relative to the sun it now rises exactly in a position that nails me right in the eyes.

Anyway how about I just shut up, stop rambling and get on with it...

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
--
A blonde lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been near a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

click here for more

The other day I went to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the lights had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head four times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"

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READER MAIL
You guys were slightly more subdued this week with your attempts to make my inbox explode although it wasn't by much and it in no way made choosing what to post any easier. The fatness of this week's reader mail is testament to that!

Anyway if you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

Sanjeev wrote:
Subject: ""Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of your life or soon be dead..."
Dear ORSM. my sentiments exactly, dude. why the fuck do you guys bend over for people from these countries? if i were to emigrate to your country, i will respect your sovereignty, culture and langauge etc and respected and follow its rules. you guys are bloody nice guys but you're getting screwed by the same people you help. in due time Australia will lose her bloody identity. Recently read that you guys scaled down your Xmas celebrations in Sydney in order to be sensitive to the Moslems. What the fuck, dude?!!! what next? banning pork from the supermarkets just because they dont eat it? fuck man....if they can't accept Australia's sovereignty, culture and language and way of life, don't come, and don;t fucking accept them.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: About the naive countries... last update 2006.06.08
Hey, I always check out your site, it's great.. keep it up! I just have a few comments on the thing about Australia, UK and USA being naïve when it comes to making things easy for 'immigrants'. In Norway we have the same fucking problem. They demand things like they rule this country (which they soon WILL if this continues...). Special schools - no way they want to take mandatory lessons for learning the language. Wtf is that - if I had to spend the rest of my life in another country I would -at least- learn the darn language ?? They demand their own kindergartens, doctors, mosques, and even the slightest remark about them getting things 'a little bit too easy' means that you are... yes, a racist, and up for grabs by the media if you are a politician or a great big beating if you are a john doe. They scream and shout for 'respect' and that we should respect them and their way of life, BUT it's obviously quite o.k. to call norwegian girls 'hookers' and 'sluts' just because they wear short skirts during summer... they are fucking TRASH, and they don't deserve SHIT before they start to actually be grateful for the chances we've given them by allowing them into our country. Am I right?? PS: I am NOT a racist - but I have the right to speak my mind in my own country.

Mick wrote:
Subject: Omce again
Yes you have surpassed yourself again. One thing to say, 27 years in the Defence Force(Army), travelled to a lot of places that most people would not like to go to, seeing things that most people would not like to see, done things that most people would not like to do,: but at the end of it there is always the fact that you come home to the greatest place in the world, to see the best country in the world and to sit on the beach and watch the most beautiful women in the world walk by, because there is no doubt that Australia has the best women in the world. Ladies from USA, korea, somalia, sth america, fiji, nz, and all the rest just keep showing their age, whereas an Australian woman can hold her head and body high because she gets better with age. Anyway, just wanted to say that. Keep the fantastic site going and cheers.

Cameron Jones wrote:
Subject: re: grandmothers recipes.
If there's one thing I can recommend people do, it's make good use of family while they're still around. Looking back at my (largely wasted) childhood, there was a world of things my grandfather could have taught me that I sadly was too young and stupid to take advantage of. Now the poor old fellow is in pretty bad physical shape, but worse than that his mind is failing him at an alarming rate and he can scarcely remember what he was doing five minutes ago. Take as much knowledge from the elders of your family as possible sir, don't make the same mistakes most of us do.

Majd. H wrote:
Subject: Arab Celeb
Hey Orsm, Here are some pic of an Arab Celeb. Marwa. pay attention to the nipple slip. Thanks

Fantastic rack... enough said. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Car
Hey Orsm dude, huge fan of the site. Hope you can use these pics. No address or name please. Cheers

So fucking ouch... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: More wife pics
Hi Orsm. Great site, thanks, If you want here is a pic of my wife for your site. Please keep details private. Thanks mate, all the best.

Nice bum! I think we should see the rest... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Ben wrote:
Subject: black man
hey, have a look at these, mate fell asleep in the lounge in bondi, poor bastard,.. had to clean his race with nail polish remover and a scourer again poor bastard

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Greg wrote:
Subject: RTC
Some pics of an accident I went to on xmas day. Guy did a pretty good job of it.

12 slotters? Looks like the car was doomed anyway... -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Paul wrote:
Subject: Photo of bike crash
Hi. You've probably seen this a million times already .... but just in case you haven't here is a picture of a motorcycle crash from the F3 Freeway here in Sydney, happy to say no one was too seriously hurt but you can read that yourself as I scanned the Newspaper story for you.

click to enlarge

Malcom wrote:
Subject: Damn Nigga! x 3
OH GREAT AND POWERFUL ORSM! Whilst surfing the net, I found these awesome pictures and thought they were "DAMN NIGGA" worthy. It's my first time doing this, but I think they came out all right. The last one was really tough to figure out, but I think it came out ok. I'm working on a really cool picture of Spawn because he kicks ass, i'll send it through when it's done.

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

A fan wrote:
Subject: best prison ever.
Hi Orsm, Maybe for your update tomorrow. thats why i love austria ;-) - this is the new prison in "Leoben" it's a town in Austria... now I think its not that bad to get in prison anymore ;-), they think its better for resozialising the gangsters ;-) no joke.

click for gallery

todd wrote:
Subject: Check out this body mate
First off, cheers on the great website mate. Second check out the body on this tasty piece that me and my mates shagged the hell out of while attending University in the states.

Hot [and no I don't mean the guy...]. -Orsm

click for gallery

Yok wrote:
Subject: Mariah Carey's album in Saudi Arabia
See how they changed Mariah's album covers for release in Saudi Arabia

Crazy! -Orsm

click for gallery

MiG wrote:
Subject: WWF pictures from 1996
Hi Orsm, me again. I just read your comment "Ah memories..." about the hulkamania video. I took those pictures 1996 at a WWF tour in Kassel, Germany, thought you might like them.

Hah I had forgotten all about the Bush Whackers! -Orsm

click for gallery

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: Drive by shooting
hey Orsm, been a long time since ive sent you anythin, so heres me and my mate demonstrating ho to do a Driveby shooting on a buget!

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff for you site...
Orsm - Love your site and visit it religously. Here's a wmv of a bridge blowing up. The bridge is Compton Avenue over I-64 in downtown St. Louis. They dropped it on June 2 to make way for a new one. Thought you might like it for your site.

click to watch video

Monty Chapman wrote:
Subject: video
hey man gnarly site. a video that some mates and me made at school i have more footage that is a bit more hardcore that i will edit out and submit if you like this one. Rock On!!!!

click to watch video

jeremy wogernese wrote:
Subject: burnout vid
this is a friends 1960 ford f100 with a 428 cuper cobra jet smokin off the tires, please post, thanks

click to watch vid
Click for more awesomeness

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130kmh, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmh to escape being stopped.

Then he thought to himself, 'What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes - if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

click here for more

BLONDE SUPER STAR

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

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RANDOM SHITE
One thing everyone loves to hate is Random Shite. You never know if there's going to be something naughty, nice or completely messed up waiting for you and it's this very principle that makes Shite selection all the more rewarding. Check it...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when on turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!".

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works every time!!

click here for more

PLACES TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE... NEW ZEALAND

eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed

eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed - eNZed

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?" Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!"

So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!" Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us." Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.

Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole." So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?" Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said .. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again."

ORSM VIDEO

Wow is that all? Unfortunately yes and if actually you've made it this far down the page then you have a fair idea what has consumed my time this week. Not that I dare complain though - I've had tonnes of jobs over the years and none that I have ever loved as much as this one. Lucky me huh?

If you are wondering when I will return with a whole new update for your browsing pleasure then the answer is next Thursday. As a matter of fact there's a new update every Thursday, every week... except when they used to be every second Thursday. If you need something to keep you occupied for the next week then I implore you all to spread the good word and tell your friends, family, relatives, neighbours and co-workers about ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and go the Socceroo's! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.06.08-22.44
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Is there anything on the internet I haven't seen? Put it this way - if there is I am yet to see it...

It's been a rather uneventful week around here and by that I mean nothing bad has happened. The shortened work week has ensured that I've been flat-out since first thing Tuesday morning but as always better that than slow and boring.

Is it just me or has the world gone World Cup crazy? Everywhere, and I mean everywhere you go, look, read, watch or listen there is something World Cup related. I've never really been a huge soccer fan but it's hard not to get swept up in all the hype when we are being bombarded by it from every angle and with a 32 year absence from the competition I really do hope the Aussies can do us proud and win a few games. That said, I don't see us ending up world champions but as long as we don't get directly beaten by the Poms I will be happy.

On to last weekend which was another long weekend... the seventh for 2006 would you believe! I don't have a problem with long weekends unless I am working over them and thankfully for this one I was able to keep as far away from the computer as possible... except to check my email sporadically. I... just... couldn't... help myself...

It all started Friday with the removal of dog from the household for a little holiday with the parentals. I do this every now and then to give my self a break from feeding and tending to her needs as an overly pampered German Shepherd plus they love having a dog around without the responsibility of ownership. It suits everyone.

I started Saturday with the plan to keep it simple - just groceries and the footy. I headed for the shops around lunch time and after spending a few hours there I ran into a friend who told me that the football had started at 12. Fuck! I thought it was a 3pm bounce down so I finished up and raced home only to catch the last 2 minutes of what was labelled 'one of the greatest games in the clubs history'. Always the way isn't it? At least we won!

click here for more

Sunday was what can only be described as a glorious winter day. The birds were singing, the sun was out and it was as close as you can get to warm for this time of year. I decided to make the most of the opportunity to do around-the-house stuff which took me through to dark. It was definitely a case of mission accomplished though. By the end of the day I had done a trip to the hardware store [and successfully avoided four separate people I knew and didn't want to talk to], got all the lawn mowed, made the fish pond pump work again and restored my sanity by fixing all the leaking taps in the house.

The entire day was interspersed with back and forth phone calls trying to figure out what we were going to do that night. Options ranged from a wild drunkard jaunt on the town to a nice and subdued dinner somewhere but in the end it was pizza and 'House of Wax' on DVD. Incidentally if you were thinking about watching this pile of shit then don't bother unless you hate Paris Hilton in which case you will most probably enjoy seeing her die a brutal, violent death. I know I did...

Monday we finally did something that we've been saying we were going to for as many years as I can remember. What was it? In a nutshell my aging grandmother is an exceptional cook [whose isn't right?] and there a couple of things she makes that a recipe just can't convey. So we organised with her to rock up bright and early and learn the art of this one particular food. For years I always thought she was hamming it up when she said to make it in time for lunch a 6am start was required and I can finally see why! It was over five hours from when we got there until when we ate but it was all completely worth it and I'm glad I learnt before I never had the chance to.

After that it was back home to clean the house. I made a point of starting with my desk that was covered six inches high with papers, unpaid bills, unopened mail, dust, clothes, computer bits, rubbish and other random junk. That's one thing I never thought of when we built this desk - it's basically just a four metre piece of board screwed to the wall but it has become the ultimate 'drop whatever the fuck you have in your hands here' place. Anyway that pretty much absorbed the rest of my weekend however I can once again look to my side and see beautiful, unpainted particle board. Gotta love it.

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The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Yoga Porn - Awesome Game - Fatal Endings - Christina's Nips - RateMyPix! - MySpace Battle - Sexy Gabriella

Angelina's Boobs - Takes Balls - Bigger Balls - Street Orgasm - Funny Bitches - Up Skirt - Crazy Funeral

Click for more awesomeness

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
--
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl, "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

THERE IS A GOD[ESS]...

Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina

Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina

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JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back, would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Aboriginal Eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural thing - you wouldn't understand, pal."

Keep your Australian, English, or U.S.A. identity strong. Fly your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise. Demand classes on English and U.S. culture in the Moslem school system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws. Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of your life or soon be dead. Because it will never happen!! It will not happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia or Britain or United States, Land of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians!

click here for more

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READER MAIL
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to Reader Mail this week - there have been some stellar submissions and I think it safe to say that all our lives will be richer for the experience... or whatever.

If you would like to send something my way and possibly have it featured on this very page for all the world to see then just click here and make it happen! We love to see naked pics of your ex, crazy videos, random photos and jokes and pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Snuff videos are lame
Hey Mr. Orsm, Thanks for making one of my top 5 sites I go to on a consistent basis. I appriciate every single update you've done for the past many many years and I hope it all comes back to you in kind. That being said, I gotta say my biggest problem with orsm.net is the occasional snuff media that you'll post. This week was the prison riot and the breakup suicide, some time ago it was the Japanese girls being run over, and there's been quite a few others. I really wish you would keep this kind of stuff from the site. There's nothing good about it, and while I'm quite far away from the quintessential "upstanding citizen", I really hate having that stuff around. I know I can just refrain from clicking it, but I think it drives the quality of your site down and, ultimately, puts more garbage out into the world than needs be.

You can't please all of the people all of the time. Trust me - if I just posted shit that I didn't find interesting [in one way or another] then it's unlikely Orsm.net would exist today. -Orsm

jamie wrote:
Subject: re- Alex, mexican Spanish girls
fuck off Alex you wanker. Mexico, Spain,European electric wall plugs, universities and all the rest of the irrelevant crap you produced. were they attractive? Yes. were they naked ?Yes. did mr. orsm post them ? Yes. so does it really matter Alex, they could be my room mates and work at the Cronulla leagues club and I sent in the pics and they speak English and I faked the wall plug. so lets all give praise to mr. orsm for another weeks page

Acuyico wrote:
Subject: More of Pamela
ORSM: Please find attached 3 pics taken of "her" during the opening of the Argentina Rally (at Cordoba). Regards.

Ladies and gents... the spectacular Miss Pamela David. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hong Kong Streets
G'Day Orsm! I love your site, you obviously put a lot of effort into it. I recently went to Hong Kong on holiday to visit a mate who lives there. Sai Kung, the nearest village had a few interesting street names that I thought were worthy of your site. You're welcome to use the photos if you think they are worth showing. They certainly gave me a laugh.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

art zi wrote:
Subject: sign
Look at this sign..... it stands in Walsroden (Germany) at as discount supermarket. On the right you see what you can get for a nice price. I rather pay more for better goods!

click to enlarge

Nick Yazzie wrote:
Subject: Hot Cunt Breakfast
Mr. ORSM!!!!! I took this picture in Flagstaff, AZ with my very first digital cam. Thought that this might be a great pic for your website. I want credit for it (wouldn't anyone?). There is absolutely NO photoshopping, 100% real. This is what happens when you run out of those damn plastic letters. I love you site, especially Random Shite!!! Keep it comin.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Troy Hallam wrote:
Subject: BB Movie Pics
Hey Mr. O, I saw in the Herald Sun (Melb) that someone had Photoshopped BB housemates onto movie covers so I decided to make some myself. Thought you might like to put em on your site. cheers.

click for gallery

Ryan wrote:
Subject: Cool Pics?
Hello Senor Orsm, Well... like so many before me id have to say your site brings me much enjoyment indeed, and that goes for friends I point in your direction... we're always hanging out for next months edition. Here are some flying pics ive taken lately so hopefully they will be worthy of your viewers. Take it easy and feel free to post my message.

click for gallery

Anthony Gatt wrote:
Subject: CFM56-7B Who's an unlucky boy?...
A mechanic standing near a Boeing 737 at El Paso International Airport in Texas was sucked into one of the engines and killed Monday, officials said. Continental Airlines Flight 1515 was preparing to take off for Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston when "a maintenance-related engine run-up of the right-hand engine" was carried out.

click for gallery

Dale wrote:
Subject: Hulkster
Yes , oh yes , i was a Hulk-a-maniac. I remember when he slammed Andre The Giant. That fat french fucker. Gotta go , i need to practice tearing singlets off my chest.

Ah memories... -Orsm

click to watch vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: uk big brother 1 contestant
Hi Dude. this girl ( Nicola Holt) was on big brother 1 in the uk, as you can see she has done quite well for herself !!

I guess she likes DP. -Orsm

click to watch video

Alex wrote:
Subject: Wobbles song
Yo Mr. Orsm, Mate. Hope ya not a collingwood supporter, thought you might enjoy this one I cooked up.

You can't help but laugh! -Orsm

click to watch video

Stanley Wall wrote:
Subject: Hydraulic Injection Injury learning.pdf
Check this out bro.

That's going to give me nitemares for week... honestly. -Orsm

click to watch video

James Young wrote:
Subject: David Lee Roth on Tonight Show
Hey Orsm, cool site. Caught this little gem accidently last night. Remember when David Lee Roth was kinda fun and cool? Not anymore... The only thing missing is the guys playing the washboard and jug.

Hate to say it but I quite enjoyed that... -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

FEDERAL COURT RULING FROM THE MELBOURNE AGE, AUSTRALIA (AP)

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Essendon Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

click here for more

A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me". "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and ..."

"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." "Sir, I can do better than that." The officer yanked open the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him with his nightstick. "Now asshole, you want me to slow down or come to a complete fucking stop?"

ORSM VIDEO

Four regulars were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning, is it Intercourse or Golf Course and she said... "Take a sweater - it's a bit cool this morning..."

FUCK ALL THE REST AND GET READY FOR THE MOST PORN YOU'VE EVER SEEN!! YOU'LL GET FULL UNLIMITED, UNCENSORED ACCESS TO OVER 50,000 ORIGINAL DOWNLOADABLE PORN MOVIES AND EVEN MORE PICS! CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT!

RANDOM SHITE
Random Shite... the sanitary napkin of the internet. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A small zoo in West Virginia had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The zookeeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "You can never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

click here for more

ALL THE RIGHT MOVES

Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta

Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta - Aneta

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car - a BMW M3 and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"

ORSM VIDEO

Dude... I'm all done. Finished for another week! As usual I am surprised I've managed to finish at a reasonable time. The aforementioned public holiday Monday this week messed my shit up and I've been working my ass off trying to get everything together and ready on time. It's yet to happen but eventually I am going to miss my self-imposed Thursday deadline...

If you've been left vulgarly unsatisfied and wondering when I will return with a brand new update I would probably check back in about a week or next Thursday [which ever comes first]. Meanwhile feel free to tell your friends, family, co-workers and people you hate to check out O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and go the Socceroo's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.06.01-23.15
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Dude, you're so gay even Elton John called you a poof.

Bring on winter... or so they say because the damn thing is here with gusto. Did I mention its cold? If not, its cold. So cold as a matter of fact that as I write this there is two heaters pointed towards me and I am even wearing a jumper - something I haven't done since at least last winter. Who'd have thought huh?

My tenure as accommodation provider to my sister and her BF has come to an end and it's actually kind of odd now that they're gone. After spending three years living out of home in a shared house I was almost desperate to get out and live on my own. Then, after doing the hermit thing for almost a year and absolutely loving it, I suddenly had housemates once again... albeit only for a few weeks. Now that it's back to just me and the pooch I almost miss having them around. I know the dog does... the little bitch even tried to get in the car with them as they were leaving!

Talking of the dog... pretty much every day of the week she starts harassing me at around 5pm to take her to the park and throw the ball around. If I don't take her when she's ready she'll literally walk circles around me at my desk until I do. It's pure blackmail and 99% of the time I cave and take her.

Then a few weeks back she was attacked twice by two different dogs in the same week. Fucking scary and blood was involved but don't get me wrong when I say she gave as good as she got. However since then I seem to have lost my confidence with having her off the leash. If we're at the park and someone comes along with their dog the first thing she has always done is run over to say hello but now I'm not so sure how she'll react. Will she just say sniff around and be social or run over there looking for revenge with the first dog stupid enough to mess with her?

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I think the trick is to start socialising her with other dogs as much as possible but with the winter onslaught well under way places like the dog beach are pretty low on the priority list. Anyone got any bright ideas?

Last weekend... good and bad. I've been putting off doing a complete format and reinstall of everything on my main PC for months now. I actually wanted to do it over the Christmas break but ran out of time. Anyway I woke up at the crack of 8am on Saturday morning ready to begin. I spent a couple of hours backing up all my files onto other hard drives and making sure everything would go as smoothly as possible but as we all know these things rarely go to plan...

Once I was finally ready, in went the Windows disc, I rebooted and started setup. Straight away I get an error about not being able to detect my drives. Ah that's right - I need a floppy disc with the drivers. Right... but my computer doesn't have a floppy drive. So I pull my other machine apart and liberate the drive from that. Install, restart, download the drivers and I get an error when creating the disc. I try EVERYTHING to make it work but no joy.

I decide to go the advanced route and build my own custom Windows install including all the necessary shit I need. This takes a couple of hours and I am then ready to begin again... or so I thought. Did it work? Of course not! [I figured out later it would have but someone used the wrong drivers...]

Around 9.30 that night a mate suggests I try the floppy drive again but this time with a different cable. And what do you know? It works! That's right I wasted an ENTIRE day thanks to a faulty fucking cable. Can anyone say "stupid fucking thing"?

Sunday was a substantially better day. It was a mate's 30th and on the agenda was a round of SupaGolf. You may remember me crapping on about this last time we played it but basically you use oversized clubs to hit oversized balls on undersized fairways. I still completely suck ass at anything golf related but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just there for the trash talking anyway. After that it was back for a barbeque and beers - almost the perfect Sunday!

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful - you guessed it - blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
--
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm screwed, who will want a one legged gold digger?". His mate says "Try Paul McCartney".

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Dear Women of the World,

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be either looked at in an extremely hostile way, or totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If your eye even falls on the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right afterwards, because during the World Cup month I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you if you catch a cold.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 12 six-packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "Get over it, it's only a game", or "Don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I shall love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me, and your so-called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game, and you can talk to me during half time, but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game: hence do not use the World Cup as a cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child-related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" The reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". Remember that after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation. Regards, Men of the World.

ORSM VIDEO

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention. She called on her while she was napping.

"Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir Little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and saviour," But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good," And April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU'RE ARSE!"

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READER MAIL
Right up until yesterday when I started digging through my inbox did I think it was a quiet mail week. Oh how wrong I was. There was TONNES and rather frustrating because for all the good shit I have posted this week, there is just as much other decent stuff that I couldn't quite squeeze in. rest assured you guys will see it in the next couple of weeks though.

If you'd like to be one of the cool people and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page and archived for all eternity then we're always more than happy to see pics of your tasty ex in the buff, stupid vids, hilarious jokes or just about anything else you can email. All you've got to do is click here and make the magic happen.

Paul wrote:
Subject: Priceless!
Hey Mr Orsm, I have been a weekly reader of your site for years now - thanks for all the entertainment! I don't know whether anyone else had noticed, but photo 21 on this weeks RS is a disgrace for Mastercard & their "Priceless" ad campaign. Who thought they would lower their budget so much? They should stop trying to take out lawsuits on innocent people like yourself, who are here to keep a smile on millions of peoples' faces around the globe and spend that cash hiring slimmer women to aid them in their pursuit for world domination...

ShortyInCanada wrote:
Subject: Questioning the validity of the statement "Too much time on their hands".
Hey ORSM. First off still addicted to this damn site of yours. Keep it up, eh? Second thing, up here in the Great White North (like Canada eh) we have a yearly event of the likes that you displayed on your site. The big thing is that all the "sculptures" are put together by different organizations and/or employees of companies with all the canned goods being donated to local food banks to feed the less fortunate. Over the last few years there have been incredibly spectacular entries that I wish I could send you pictures of. Just thought you might like to know. Take care.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: re: not absolutlly correct
To jl connors, you're absolutlly correct. See that's the thing about freedom of expression, I'm entitled to my say and you're entitled to express yourself anyway you like whether its by spelling badly, not using grammar, pointing at aeroplanes or yelling at fire. Whatever you wanna do you go for it, you're entitled to. As for me pointing out everything everybody does wrong, I'd never do that, that'd be offencive :P. OK you wanted a reasonable explanation I'd say its because I'm personally involved, I wouldn't have felt the need to write had it been a gag about a one armed lesbian or a granny in a wheelchair going over a cliff so maybe that makes me a hypocrite, but I'm entitled to be just as you're entitled to be whatever you are.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: wifes pussy
heres a picture of my wife pussy i thought you might like to use.

Thanks! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Tom Rogers wrote:
Subject: Australia v Brazil tickets
I can get hold of 3 tickets for Australia vs. Brazil (18th June). Cost is $350 each, or $1000 if you buy all 3. Seating position shown per the attachment. Let me know ASAP if anyone is keen.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: China Gals
Where I'm from there are a whole bunch of China gals who come in to work the lounges and such. Met this one one morning while having breakfast of all things. Treated her really nice and she responded in return. Thought you might like to see her. :-) Withhold email and name. Love your site catch it every week.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Signage
Hi Orsm. Check out the attached pic. It was in the window of a furniture restoration shop in Barnstaple UK! You've got the coolest site on the planet! I look forward to each update. I just can't get enough!

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Melbourne sun
Hello orsm love the site These are photos of a work mate spending one day at work, in the Melbourne sun, with out a top on

So fucking OUCH! -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Submission Pics
ORSM - GREAT SITE!! Here are some pictures of the lil cheater that I dated for about 4yrs. Don't miss her, but GOD I miss that ass and body!. Please keep my details out of this, as I'm sure she'll see it & be really really pissed. THANX

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

louis wrote:
Subject: photos
I love your site, here is a few photos of me and a friend at a local saloon in North Carolina. Hope to see them on your site. If not your site is still the best! Thanks for all the cooool shit!!

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Neuschwanstein Castle
Dear Mr. Orsm, First off I am a big fan of your site. This week when I visited I was looking at the winter pictures and I saw the one of Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. I was just in Germany for two weeks and that was one of the places that I visited. Please have a look at the attached pictures of the castle. These were taken about three weeks ago. I took the three of the castle from the bridge which is the fourth picture. If you would like to use the pictures that would be fine. Again, you rock... keep up the good work!

click for gallery

adolf hitler wrote:
Subject: fifi fuckaface
Hi mr orsm, this is a pic of one of my friends after he had one beer. (He laughs like a goat) :)

'Goat' is one of the many words that springs to mind... -Orsm

click to watch video

J wrote:
Subject: A little thank you from texas
This is a compilation I put together, actually the very first one I have ever attempted. Let me know what you think. Keep my email off this.

Bloody great! Keep them coming! -Orsm

click to watch video

Trevor Darby wrote:
Subject: Cubicle
Dear Mr. Orsm, A friend, while at a bar in Melbourne last week, went to the gents, as you do, and heard some pretty load moaning coming from one of the cubicles. He held his phone up and captured the attached video before having to make a hasty exit while being chased by Beanie Boy.

click to watch video
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean... my... house."

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Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners..."

ORSM VIDEO

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation!"

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RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband couldn't find any work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family... " Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home, while the Black man yells at him.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make some nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things" she inquires? "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message. As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yelling, "That's nacho cheese!"

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"Okay, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"

ORSM VIDEO

Well well well... here we are again. Time to call it a day and bring this mission of an update to an end. I'd love to say my heart and soul went into this one but I'm pretty sure I used it all up a few updates back. Hopefully they will re-grow.

If you're wondering when I will return with a whole new update then next Thursday would definitely be a good time to check back. In the mean time you should feel free to tell your friends, family and even the rest of the world about O-R-SM-DOT-NET! Failing that there is always the site archives which are positively brimming with enough stuff to keep even a retard busy for years.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't fall down a crevasse! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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