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June 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.06.26-23.01

Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Howdy dudes. How goes it? Myself... pretty good. It's been one of those extremely social weeks so the monotony of staring blankly into my monitor for hours on end hasn't been as brutal as usual thus the good mood. That said, it is fucking cold. Apparently Jesus had planned to return but got cold feet. Today is the first day since last winter that I've actually had to put a jumper on although I'm still in shorts so not all bad. I guess with July around the corner the worst is yet to come but rest assured with only four or five months until summer hits it won't be too long before a certain someone [me] starts complaining about how bloody hot it is...

FaceBook retards. They're everywhere! I should just delete them from my friends list but it's become too much like a car accident - I just can't look away! I'm talking about are people who update their status "Retard is doing whatever right now" with the exact same message every few hours just so they can stay at the top of everyone else's status updates list. Honestly how dull and devoid of excitement must one's life be that they set out each day to do that? Get a hobby for Christ's sake!

These are usually the same people that go through and comment on every single photo in all their friends profiles so you end up with a newsfeed full of "Retard commented on another retards photo" followed by 'great pic!' or 'omg how drunk were you?' usually for people you've never heard of. I tell you it was a happy day when I figured out how to block 'friends' from appearing in my newsfeed.

That reminds me. Some of you guys asked how come my Orsm FaceBook profile disappeared and it's because they deleted me. Think it was "FaceBook does not allow users to register with fake names..." Not that 'Orsm' is a fake name per se but I can only surmise they were jealous of how many friends I had...

Moving on. Had but one task to achieve on Saturday... clean the car. My poor baby was covered top to tail in dust, dirt and mud courtesy of my driving holiday. If you read my blog regularly you'll know how pedantic I am about keeping my car spotless and having to stare at it like that is tantamount to how I imagine adult circumcision would feel. I even contemplated getting it professionally detailed but we're talking $200 for something I can do myself. I think not.

Anyway the big clean started with a trip to the carwash to high pressure hose. Wheel arch's, wheels, under-carriage - the lot. From there it was home to sponge wash which failed to achieve the desired result. There was still a murky white film over the whole body so wash and dry -again- but same deal - white film. Out comes the detailing spray wax shiny stuff... spray it on... buff in with one cloth, buff out with another. Every nook and cranny, join, crevice, door jamb... vacuumed and detailed the interior, windows... everything. Six fucking hours later I was tired and sore but car was back to gleaming brilliance. And then Tuesday it rained and messed it alllll up...

Okay better cut the blog thing short get on with the update. I've tried my hardest to give you guys maximum quality content this week so if you don't like it and complain then expect a visit from my friend Ray. He'll set your shit straight believe me. Seriously though - this update is so good that the local council has offered to erect a monument honouring it. True story honest I swear. Anyway check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Gangsta Boy - Dude WTF? - Game On - Cheer Babes - Good Fun - SuperBad Recut - Dirty Words - Chubby Love

Ooops! - Wonder Cleav - Money Shots - FB Interview - Jenny Ellison - Gem-ahhh - Clench - Suck It Girl - Love Guru

Aussie Hottie - Scratch It - #1 Bikini's - Last Laugh - Moron - LOVE Her - Alyssa Nude - Amazing Cans - Impressive

Bruce walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Bruce says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Believe it or not but south Africa has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup - they have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil.
--
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk, he turns to the lady sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The lady replies, "I am 70kg, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My girlfriend is 60kg, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 65kg, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

TORY LANE
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?", the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

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ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left". Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fare way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for the Presidency of the United States."

FACIALED
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail is back with a bang... a big one. To put it bluntly, there's been an absolute shitload of mail to get through from the last couple of weeks and the result is a totally sick RM.

If you've got something cool to submit then now is the time to do it! You're fellow Orsm'ers and I are keen as fucking mustard on pics of your nasty Ex, car stuff, jokes, messed up vids - pretty much anything you can slap into an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Bricklayers Accident Report
Hi Mr ORSM. Greetings from England! Great site, makes Thursday the Day of the Week! Thank you!! Thought you might be interested to know the origin of the Bricklayers Accident Report in last weeks update. This is a well known song performed regularly by the Irish folk band The Dubliners under the title 'The Sick Note' and can be heard here. The song was written & first performed in 1969 by Pat Cooksey in Coventry England. The story has it's origins in 1920's English music hall and first appeared in the Readers Digest as a short story in 1937. Maybe not as good as porn but hey, culture can be good too!
justin k wrote:
Subject: Joke Response
Regarding the following joke, posted june 12: Memphis, TN is a city on the bluffs of the Mississippi River, just east of Arkansas and north of Mississippi. Local African American leaders, in opposition to pending white flight and possible erosion of a viable tax base, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Shelby County area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success in the African American community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%. Caucasian business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77% and hold-ups were down about 60%.

You may not be aware of this, I really don't know how much press it got outside of the US, but in 2007, (or was it '06?) based on the movie "A Day Without A Mexican", legal mexican immigrants, and illegal mexican aliens in Los Angeles, staged a walkout on society.  They didn't show up to work, mexican-owned businesses didn't open, they didn't go to school, etc.  Nothing.  The idea was to show how valuable mexicans are to Los Angeles infrastructure, how us whiteys couldn't get along without them. I asked several people what they thought of that day, and they ALL said the same thing: "Damn, man, traffic was GREAT that day!"

Jonathan wrote:
Subject: Creepy Dutch Guy
Mr. Orsm- What the fuck is this?!?  You can't post this fucking horrid material without some sort of back story!!! Is this a fucking gag?! It's got to be with all of the audience members remaining complicit while this piece of shit has his way with a child ON STAGE! Holy Fuck!  Please tell me you have some sort of explanation, as if there were an acceptable one, for this disgusting behavior.

It's all a joke... parody... piss take... whatever you want to call it. His name is Paul de Leeuw. -Orsm

Roy wrote:
Subject: Fucker
Checking your website made me angry again this time. A video of a "creepy dutch guy" is a video of a long time ago. I am not saying that the video is a "normal" video...but he is NOT a pedofile, he has 2 kids of his own... So STOP talking about him being a pedofile! And those people who don't believe me...I only have 1 thing to say to them: FUCK OFF! EAT SHIT! GO BOIL AN EGG! and so on...

For the record I never called him a paedophile... just 'creepy'. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Who says Cycling's not a Contact Sport???
Hey Mr. Orsm! Thanx for the Brilliant Site!! Love your work man!!! Attached is a pic that was doing the rounds... Use it, don't use it... Please keep my details private! Cheers
click to enlarge

Greg wrote:
Subject: Hey now
Hello and good day, figured I'd send you a pic of a llama that I took here not to long ago, keep up the good work eh

Awww. I can feel the llama love! -Orsm

click to enlarge

VE3WNO wrote:
Subject: Micky D's sign in Port Arthur. Only in Thunder Bay....
This sign was up on the weekend on Red River Road. It was there from Saturday morning til afternoon Sunday until someone told the management. I assume they changed it after that. Thought you might get a kick out of it. By the way, there were no long line-ups checking out the new menu!! Cheers!

I had one. Tasted like shit. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: 21st birthday!
So I'm a long time visitor from the states but have never had anything interesting enough to send. Luckily, I just had my 21st birthday party. Its amazing what you can get people to do just because its your birthday. Don't show my info please and thanks!
click to enlarge

Jason wrote:
Subject: No Class WOW!!!!!!!!!!
Some people have no class. Look at his tie, it is so yesterday.

OMGz! Is he for real? -Orsm

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Michael wrote:
Subject: Aren't you glad you only had one?!
Hi ORSM, Its more a chick thing - but still amazes me. But it scared the shit out of my wife!! Cheers.

Whoa... -Orsm

click to enlarge
DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Reader mail. Stupid Indians.
I saw this in the window of a local Indian restaurant. Its been there for the last 6 months.
click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: crane fell car
Brand new Bentley destroyed by crane. 200k. car, buh-bye. At least the crane missed a 1995 Honda !

It'll buff right out. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Data Backup HO
Seeing as they FIRED ME... I just have to share these Data Backup Pic's with ORSM. This is the 1st of several SLUT's (this particular one gave my Manager a serious reaming for loosing here data that I managed to recover). So here is the Bitch (NO DETAILS PLEASE).
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Dusty....
All reports are consistent, she runs up to randoms, hands them a camera and insists they take photos with "Dusty Gates"....

Anyone outside Perth would have no idea who she is but let me just say... LOOK AT THOSE LEGS! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: exs
Two skanky exs. Big tits on the darker one though and a tight pussy. keep my info confidential.. Thanks. Love the site

DUDE!? You broke up with THAT!?!???!!!?!? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: G'day mate
G'day Mate, first of all what a orsm site, long time reader first time contributing. This dumb bitch i was dating cheated on me and i found these pics on her computer and thought the world should see what a slut she is. Hope to see them online soon and usual thing please hide my details. Keep up the great work
click for gallery

Ryan wrote:
Subject: BMW
Thought maybe you would like to put these up. 335i hit a tree racing at 250km. Awesome sight

He won't do that again... -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: The Late Charleton Heston's Gun Vault
No wonder he was chairman of the National Rifle Association in the USA. I love it, he even has a flame thrower ........anybody else woulda been seen as a crackpot, terrorist, revolutionary, etc,,,,,,,, lucky he played Moses.....
click for gallery

Iain wrote:
Subject: KitKat BigKat
Nuff said..... 45000 calories- that should keep you going for a morning. We decided to pimp a KitKat Chunky, although there are 2 others already, we thought we could do better in honour of this fabulous snack! We wanted to go BIG.

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jdonald wrote:
Subject: Wilson Creek Flood
Here are some amazing flood pictures from rural Spring Green, WI...... These are the cows going under the bridge by Ted and Theresa's.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of movie set
Hi there. You may have heard that Nicholas Cage is currently filming a movie in and around the Macedon area. It's based on a Steven King novel called "The Knowing". I've grabbed these photos of the house set built for the movie on Mount Macedon. It's only an exterior and just scaffolding inside. The caretaker there told me it took them 7 weeks to build, using all new materials which they then "aged". They built the little red shed as well. All the stone work is just fibreglass. It's built in some rich guy's front lawn and they gave him $100,000 to borrow the space.
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click to enlarge
Karratha Llama Farmer wrote:
Subject: negligence at west oz gas plant
What they haven't been allowed to say on the news. how did the big bang occur? the pipe that feeds west oz burst, due to it corroding down to the thickness of a match stick. Too much pressure, too many idiots, and money money money.could of been prevented!!!! We had 166 people on the island, and lucky enough not 1 was injured.but fark, we ran for our lives, really really really scary. Does not feel good to be back here so soon (5 days later) The place is quiet, no noise, nothing. Just us hitting spanners ect Here are some pix of the area. Bloody tossers, this could of been prevented if they inspected the pipe like they should do. Hope the state of WA sues these seppos (apache is a USA company) ass off. Not sure if I really wanna be here when its up and running, which will be months away, a lot of damage.

Click for more awesomeness

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

ORSM VIDEO

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"Arr what do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate, "Arrr well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." Bartender says, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate says, "Arr I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship me hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender says, "What about that eye patch?" Pirate says, "Arrr ah, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in me eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird shit."?
Pirate says, 'Arrr well no, it was my first day with the hook.

ASTONISHING SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were... 'fuck or drown'".

RANDOM SHITE
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A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them.  He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them." "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says.

The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system, including installation" the sales guy says.  "Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.  "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure," the guy says.

He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her... I'm doing to his business!"

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

NATASHA NICE
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A young private sought permission from his CO to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes, sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in the Hell is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "ME!" said the soldier.

THIRD WORLD DENTAL
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out...?" "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

ORSM VIDEO


Okayspeaksoonseeyabye.

- Check out the site archives for advice on how not to be 'that guy'.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Prease Cronsider.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will deliberately kill himself just so he can come back as Ray Krueger and haunt you in your dreams... make you watch him arse-to-mouth your sister... and then your mum... and then your dad.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and LMD. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.06.19-23.8teen

Welcome to Osrm.net.

How cold is it? It's so cold I've wheeled the fridge in here, opened the door and am now holding my hands in front of it. Not as if we didn't know this was coming but its winter - is it too much to ask for some cloud cover to keep a bit of heat in?

For a change it doesn't feel like the last update I did was yesterday. Thus is the beauty of getting away for a few days. Staying in two different places so far away from each other made the holiday feel twice as long. And what a fucking awesome adventure it was...

Didn't end up departing until around lunchtime on Wednesday and after I dropped the dog off to the parentals it was a 411 kilometre five hour drive south to Albany. Great drive too. Heavy rain for most of it and traffic was light so despite the distance it was quite relaxing. By the time I arrived it was almost dark so that was pretty much it for day one.

The next day started wet and stayed patchy. First place I stumbled across was the wind farm and having never been anywhere near one before was an amazing experience. Not too sure if it was the howling wind but the noise they make as the blades spin is eerie. Walking up to and underneath I found quite daunting. You're wondering how close you have to get before it takes you head off. Made me think of that 'Contact' movie where the bad guy blows himself up to destroy the spinny thing and it smashes itself to pieces.

From there did all the touristy stuff - Whale World, The Gap and also explored the main town which was amazing for one, or should I say many, reasons... roundabouts! You've never seen so many of the bastards. Sure there are no traffic lights whatsoever but everywhere you look - roundabouts. Would love to know how many people crash because I came close to getting taken out a few times and I was there for two days.

Got a move on mid-morning Friday to my next destination - Dunsborough... via Denmark, Walpole, Nannup, Busselton and a couple of other places that I'll never be able to find again. All I can say for sure is that it was an almost 400 kilometre trip that involved lots of rain, phenomenal scenery, hitchhiking German backpackers and sat nav with a HAL 9000 complex trying to strand me in the delta quadrant. Fucking thing.

Saturday... rain... again. Stayed sort of close to base and drove around playing with my camera and new lens. Good low stress day. Sunday was probably the highlight of the whole trip. Weather forecast was for destructive winds and a shit load of -you guessed it- rain so up for a challenge I headed for a town called Augusta via Caves Road which is ALWAYS fun to drive in shitty conditions. Couldn't really get out of the car by the time I arrived because it was so wet but still did some exploring and found some places to revisit in future.

Stopped on the way back at/in Boranup forest. Nothing there except very tall trees and err.. forest. One of my most favourite places in the world... think 'Stand By Me' when the boys go looking for the body. Anyway I stomped around there for about half an hour before the aforementioned winds started picking up and twigs and small branches started to fall so with that it was time to go before someone finds my body. The trip back along Caves was a bit scary. Rain -of course- but over just about every crest and around every bend was a fallen branch. Not cool when you're travelling at speed along a single carriage way. Did manage to hit a few wineries on the way back though.

Check out Monday morning was 10am and after doing the mandatory pie from Taz's Bakery I was on my way home. Probably repeating myself to say it was rainy most of the way back but I made it in one piece a few hours later. Stats... I love stats. Total for six days: 1728 kilometres, 27 hours behind the wheel and chomped 208 litres of fuel [ouch]. Pictures... took a shit load. You can find various places I came across here or scroll down to see the 'Down South' gallery for some of my better ones.

With that I should probably get on with the update. Once again and I must say sadly reader mail has been chopped due to time constraints but rest assured I'll make up for it next week. My inbox is overflowing with some amazing submissions so make sure you tune in. And with that - check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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Wii Bikini - Mystery PI - Tasty Teen - Girls Kissing - Perfect Rack - Look Out! - Your Virginity - Badonkadonk

Smell Yo Dick? - Doing Porn - Elektra-tastic - Boobie Flash - Katie Price - Hit That - Samba Pussy - Close Call

College Babes - Horny Isobars - Binge - Woman Driver - Swimsuit Hottie - Nice Tats - Big Bum - Rave On

Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree. "So what did you get?" says the first. "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new PS3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?" "I got a pair of socks and a Spiderman toy." "Is that it?" "Well yeah... but I don't have leukaemia..."
--
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
--
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy said "Me feet are freezing, will you nip upstairs and get my slippers for me?" "No bother", said Murphy and goes upstairs. There he finds Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sitting on the bed."Hello girls", he said smiling, "Your Dad sent me up here to shag the pair of ye!" "Feck off ya liar!" they replied. "I'll prove it!" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course! What's the use of fucking one?
--
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

PUMA & FAITH
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This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

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ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

SEX
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birth-rates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup... all you guys have to go looking for: A ¼ Aussie ¼ Latino ¼ Black ¼ White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn't be too hard to get. Happy hunting.

DOWN SOUTH... WESTERN AUSTRALIA
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A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

YOU LOVE LLAMA'S
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Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt, Mum.

ORSM VIDEO

A cocky US Department of Agriculture inspector drove up in a fancy white truck and told the farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The farmer reluctantly but confidently said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder." The inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked, and no questions answered. Have I made myself clear?" The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

Some half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams for help and looked up to see the inspector running for the fence pursued by his prize bull, which was gaining with every step. The farmer immediately put down his feed buckets, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

CRISTA MOORE
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "'No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye!"

RANDOM SHITE
Another big one this week. Two for the price of none. I'm too good to you guys. Please love me. Please. Check it...

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A man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend. After due study of the wine list, he orders a bottle of the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with the wine and pours a small amount into the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass sniffs the wine and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not 1928 Mouton." The waiter does his best to reassure him it is, and soon there is a throng surrounding the table including the manager, all trying to convince the man the wine is in fact 1928 Mouton. Finally, someone asks the man how he knows the wine is not 1928 Mouton.

The man replies my name Baron Philippe de Rothschild and I make the wine. At this point, the waiter steps forward and admits he poured Clerc Milon 1928. He says, "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you harvest the grapes at the same time, you crush the same way, you put the wine in similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, and they are the same except for a small matter of geographic location."

The Baron beckons the waiter forward and whispers to him..." When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening and another finger in the other, then smell both fingers, you will then understand what a small distance in geographic location makes."

COOL TREEHOUSES
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After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

ORSM VIDEO


Well dudes that brings us to the end of the update. Number 25 for the year... but who's counting eh?

- Check out the site archives. They're 87% awesome.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Lock it in, Eddie.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will jack off and throw his cum at you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems... except the good ones. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.06.12-23.something

Welcome to Orsm's net.

Howdy folks. How you all are? Me... fantastic... and then some. Why? Because as you read this I'm taking a much needed break in the south west. The last couple of months have been far too occupied – if I'm not working then its something around the house... or entertaining the dog or whatever. Just never ends so I'm taking some 'me' time. Even better will be having a Wednesday and Thursday night not strapped to computer. Admittedly that sounds kind of gay but when you don't get them –ever- it becomes something you look forward to... like a blowjob.

This is actually the trip I've wanted to take all year although didn't want to go during the warmer months and obviously try to avoid school holidays and long weekends so traffic and annoyances [ie. people] are minimal. Beyond that there always seems to be someone's 'mandatory attendance' birthday or whatever and before you know it half the year is gone and the bitterness has become all consuming...

Anyway the plan is to leave tomorrow [or yesterday depending where you sit...] for Albany which is about 400kms south of Perth. Haven't been there since grade six school camp many, many moons ago. Can't really remember much of it but I'm guessing the place has changed and besides exceptionally cold weather I don't know what to expect. With a population of 35,000 its hardly the great unknown but lets hope Albany is not a big bogan shit hole [like Bunbury]. Will be there until Friday before heading 350kms west to Dunsborough and home by Sunday or Monday depending on how panicked I get being away from civilisation for that long.

Petrol. This is one of those times owning a big car is bitter sweet. As it is now a full tank lasts me three weeks [you gotta love working from home!]. I reckon I'll hose at least three tanks for the round trip plus sightseeing. The bend over and touch your toes fuel prices are going to sting however. Metro prices are currently at record levels and I shudder to think what they'll be down there. Repeat after me: cr-e-dit caaard.

Moving on... I'll cut right to my activities and goings on because that's what I do...

Saturday was a write-off before it even started and was once again consumed by computer issues. After installing a program [that I knew better than to install...] I managed to infect my PC and notebook with some sort of virus or spyware or whatever the fuck you want to call it. The result was extremely frustrating. Every website I went to was over run by pop-up's and redirects. Try and close the windows... crash.

It took eight long hours of Googling and scanning and digging and use of the phrase "you little cunt" before everything was back to normal and even now I'm not entirely sure it is. Call it spyware anxiety. Will say one thing though – HUGE congratulations to whoever wrote Virtumonde. You're a fucking god at what you do. That thing was just about impossible to remove and had me on the borderline of reformatting my entire machine.

Started Sunday bright and early by cleaning the car for the trip ahead. Yes I'm driving into shitty weather and probably some muddy roads but making sure the car is spotless before a road trip is a long held tradition. Same with the house. You cant go away with a dirty house because there's nothing worse than coming home to a pigsty. Help me out here – am I an obsessive compulsive retard or do you guys do the same?

From there I had to get out of the house so took dog around to do family visits on account of the fact she was driving me fucking insane. Typical female you may say... never happy no matter how much love and attention you reign upon her.

Alright I say we get on with things. If you agree press '1' now. This weeks update is slightly different to usual. Some [of the more time consuming] shit got chopped but I've tried to make it up elsewhere. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

A Vs P - Game Time - Stampy - Love Jamie - Fall Down - You Bug Me - Denise Milani - Skank As Fuck - Cumming!

Bad Acting - Bootylicious - Vida Guerra - Angelina Shower - Secret Is Out - Bigger Jugs - Dickhead - Suck It Good

Adriana Lima - Internet's Greatest - SMG Hotness - Lucky Bastards - Gabriella Fox - World Record - Vicki Upskirt

Memphis, TN is a city on the bluffs of the Mississippi River, just east of Arkansas and north of Mississippi. Local African American leaders, in opposition to pending white flight and possible erosion of a viable tax base, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Shelby County area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success in the African American community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%. Caucasian business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77% and hold-ups were down about 60%.
--
Guy walks into a bar in Bondi Beach, Sydney Australia with a parrot on his shoulder. Barman says: "That's awesome!  Where did you get it from?" The parrot says: " Africa... there's fucking millions of them...!"
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

AND NOW FOR SOME BIG LATINA AREOLA'S
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BRUCES LETTER

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Bruce , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bruce.

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- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

GRID GIRLS
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

ORSM VIDEO

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

MORE STORM TROOPING
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When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." George said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?" So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?". George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!".

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes." Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black gal she stole my wallet."

RANDOM SHITE
Big, behemoth, monstrous, colossal, gigantic, titanic, humongous, immense, herculean, gargantuan... are all words I found using thesaurus.com to describe this week's RS. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - >>

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

SELF SHOT
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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD
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An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

 The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

ORSM VIDEO


Dudes guess what? That's it for this week!

- Check out the site archives. They're really not much use otherwise.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I decide to extend my jaunt. Wooo...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wipe that smile off your face. No really - he will ACTUALLY wipe it.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep left or expect me to tailgate you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.06.05-23.33

Welcome to Orsm.net. Rage with a raunchy lady.

The start of another month which means I get to start with: fuck how can it be June already? Seriously though this year has flown by fast enough to make a speed junkie dizzy. Especially the last few weeks. I haven't had a spare

Soooo who you voting for? I've been following the Obama versus Clinton contest for what seems like forever and have loved every minute of it. The primary battles have been fascinating and now that there is finally a presumptive Democratic nominee I can't wait to see how it all plays out.

At the risk of copping the inevitable "you don't know what you're talking about so shut up" emails I happily admit that I'm an Obama fan. His speeches and ideas have been inspiring and leave me thinking that this guy may actually fix a few of the worlds problems. That said, Hillary Clinton definitely has [had?] her merits. I don't actually mind her but for a woman so confident and sure of her ability I can't help feeling she only ever stayed with Bill after the Monica Lewinsky scandal because she wanted to be President and knew she couldn't do it without him.

The next five months will no doubt be even more interesting than what we've seen thus far as Obama and McCain battle it out. I love the fact it could go either way and it's probably safe to say the best is yet to come. And if Obama doesn't nail the Presidency then maybe he can come down under and run for something here. There's no doubt he would be out of this world better than the pecker-heads we have running shit at the moment...

Okay moving on to me, my life and... my weekend. Why blog about the weekend? Because for the rest of the week I'm strapped to this fucking computer, tapping away at this grotty keyboard making these updates happen. Got it?

The weekend was another long one and by my count the seventh public holiday for the year - Foundation Day which commemorates the foundation of what would eventually become Perth 170-something years ago. I hope now you can all sleep better tonight knowing that...

Saturday was the most awesome Saturday in the history of Saturdays and awesomeness for the sole reason we got pounded by a huge storm. Like oh I don't know about a kabillion other people I love storms but it's rare for one to come through like that during the day. Rain bucketed down, thunder boomed, lightning flashed, half my street flooded and when it was finally all over it started again. Love it.

After seeing ad's plastered everywhere for end of financial year sales it occurred to me that now would be a good time to do replace my bed so I did some running around to check them out. Before long I was descended upon by sales staff and about 20 minutes later I was done. What did I get? Nothing. Why? Expensive! '10-40% off' is the promotion and of course the only ones worth buying are 10% off... and of course those ones are marked down to a 'bargain' $3800. Plus delivery. Plus bed linen. Plus pillows. Fuck that. I'll suffer it out until I no longer can.

The rest of the weekend was pretty much spent close to home. It was time to get stuck into some of the plethora of odd jobs that needed doing. You know the ones... stupid superficial shit that you live with because it isn't really worth pulling all the tools out for. THOSE. So I painted and glued and nailed and screwed until I'd made a huge dent in my list. It didn't end there. God knows where the motivation came from but I managed to wash the car and spend several hours doing -what else- gardening as well. All up an extremely productive weekend.

With that I should probably get on with the update. Far be it for me to hold you back from what you can here for - arse and titties. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Subtitled - Game Onnn - G-Strings - Revenge - Ouchies! - Tongue Action - Eva Mendes - Cream Pie - Pool Party

Oh Fuck Yes - Ownage - Lara Croft - Dude Why? - Numnuts! - What A Bod - Kari Wuhrer - Black Pussy - Big Bootay

Azn Godess - THE Lego Ball - Worthless Majors - Going Mental - Busty Becca - Blonde Babe - Xtina Cans - Scrag Fight

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mum, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
--
"I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"
--
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!". His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow'."

HOW GOOD CAN YOU GET? DANI KNOWS...
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Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes... I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Darwin bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical, Queenslander baby boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland, fellas... like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains!

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're the father of that typical Queensland baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "19 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

CELEBS WITHOUT MAKEUP
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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

RUINING THE SHOT
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READER MAIL
The mail bag has been brimming over with some awesome stuff this week however it's been a little on the quiet side compared to recent weeks. I'm assuming this is because all you bastards in the northern hemisphere are spending more time outside lapping up the onset of summer as opposed to sitting in front of the computer filling my inbox with stuff to keep me amused. What's wrong with you people? Anyway, if you have something cool, interesting or completely random that you think would fit well on the site you can drop me a line here.

Brainflower wrote:
Subject: Plane Crash Video
Nice video about a plane crash landing you got there on your June episode. Unfortunately, it's not the complete video. This hoax was an ad campaign from a Dutch travel agency.

Tonnes of questions about this... the full version explains all. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ebay
This is just too fucking weird for words. No details please.

Angus wrote:
Subject: xray
Fz 750 bike crash. Thanks to Mr R Keys for his 11 hours repairing me!

Fuck dude. Did you keep your cock? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Alex wrote:
Subject: Aussie BBQ Game
Aussie Barbie game - First out loses!!!!! Trust Aussies to think this one up!!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: my girlfriend
this is a picture of my 19 year old girlfriend. this picture was taken while she was riding me. please leave my email blank. thanks. been loving the website for a few years now. keep up the great work. i am going to try to get a few more pics or vids of her up here if i can.
click to enlarge
DtM wrote:
Subject: Anyone Fancy a Ride?
Jakarta, Indonesia – In a bid to promote the use of public transport in the heavily congested Indonesian capital, the city council has launched a new bus service targeted specifically at young men. The project hopes to have over 500,000 more young men riding throughout the city every year.
click to enlarge

Greg wrote:
Subject: Emergency Surgery
Newcomer to your site.. Random shite rocks!! Here's something for ya.. Lends a new meaning to getting your rocks off! Hank

Surely not...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Roger H wrote:
Subject: Seen on Vacation
Dear Mr Orsm. Thought that you might like this picture of a shop I came across on a vacation to Singapore.

We've all been there... -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: You are special...
...but Sunday through Wednesday you're quite the wanker!
click to enlarge

BD wrote:
Subject: It Doesn't Pay to be a Copper Thief
Hi ORSM,..I have enjoyed your site for a few years now and thought this disturbing bit might fit in. :-) Life is tough...It's even tougher if you're stupid...

Makes me want to do a BBQ for dinner. -Orsm

click for gallery
Ben wrote:
Subject: Crane For Sale - READ FIRST
FOR SALE: One 100 Tonne crane, low kilometres, one careful owner, only driven on Wednesdays to Yandi, heat treated boom, no rust, needs a little TLC, needs paint and panel repair, needs new tyres, hotted up engine, turbo might need adjusting, charcoal interior, great project for first crane owner otherwise good condition........photos attached
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: EX Pics
This bitch cheated Please keep info Private!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fatal Crane Collapse: Hudong Shipyard, Shanghai
There has been a major accident at Hudong Shipyard, Shanghai. Around 00:30 local time two Goliath (600t SWL) cranes were installing a keel block section (800ton lift) into the dock when the legs on one side of the dock collapsed. 3 fatalities, 1 Serious, 1 Slight Injury. Access to the yard is severely restricted and most workers have been sent home. All crane operations in the shipyard have been suspended. A major investigation is underway.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: some pic for ya
Hey there Orsm! Love the site, here are a few pics found when we tidied up some shares.. Feel free to ignore if you've see them before! Otherwise have a good one!
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: When someone tells you that you can't do something...
When someone tells you that you can't do something... Look around... Consider all options... Then GO for it! Use all the things God gave you! Be creative! In the end, you will succeed and prove them wrong! Nothing is impossible, if your heart is willing.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
just a random orsm. love her bewbs.

Geeeeez. -Orsm

click for gallery
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Racing
Here is an old one, I have copied it from an old LP I have, got it back in the late 70's. The LP was banned and I got a hold of it from a back street dealer. Anyway this is one of the cleanest of the tracks on it :~)
click to watch video
Simon wrote:
Subject: abuse
classic apprentice abuse. always good for a laugh, cop that eddie
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pussy so good u have to share!
Here are some more vids of my young slut out here in Cali! As for the numbered files... I wound up in a motel room with my buddies 21 year old slut... Her pussy looks pure and as I was not supposed to touch... just couldn't help myself!!! Sorry 'bout the quality but I had my mind elsewhere. My many thanks for so much porn over the years...
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."

ORSM VIDEO

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!" Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It"s mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" says the hunter. "We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck... that is, unless you're yella." "Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter. "Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!" The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

ZDNEKA
click for gallery

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A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"

RANDOM SHITE
Is this the best RS ever? No. It is only the second best. The best was the one that had the people at that place with the thing and the amazing event happened. Remember? How could you forget!? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

GRILLING IN STYLE
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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her hubby comes home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet, the boy now has company.

Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes it is". Boy "I have a baseball". Man "That's nice". Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No thanks". Boy "My dad's outside!" Man "Okay, how much?" Boy "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together...

Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes it is". Boy "I have a baseball glove". Man "How much?"
Boy "$750." Man "Fine..."

A few days later the father says to the boy "Grab your glove, let's go outside and toss the baseball". The boy say's "I can't! I sold it". Father asks, "How much did you sell it for?" The son say's "$1000". The father say's "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church to confess!"

So off they go to church and the father makes the little boy go into the confession booth and closes the door, the boy say's "Dark in here!" The priest, "Don't start that shit again!!"

ORSM VIDEO


Update over, bro's. No doubt you're impressed and left wondering how one person could come up with something so utterly fulfilling? When I work it out I'll let ya's know...

- Check out the site archives. They're boxy but they're good.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless Honer forgets to put the update up in my absence...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. The last guy that didn't had a little run in with my friend Ray. He ended up in a serious three vehicle collision on and was rushed to hospital. True story. The guy lived but let me tell you – he isn't going to make that mistake again. Ray took care of that...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'll catch you down south. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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