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June 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.06.25-23.10
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Happy EOFYS!

Holy shit it's been a long week. Unfortunately the mix of pleasure and pain fell disturbingly to the latter but shit happens, you suffer, you blog it and life [hopefully] goes on.

I've been roaming around the last few weeks harbouring a strong resentment for my life and in particular the fact I haven't been able to swing some time off for a much required break. Yes all good things come to those who wait but surely nothing could be THAT good?

Anyway with the arrival of friends from overseas, their departure to the glorious south west and invite to join them I grabbed the opportunity with both hands. Destination Dunsborough. I worked out Saturday and Sunday should be doable then back that night to take up 'commitments'.

So Saturgai morning rolls around, I get my shit sorted and go on my merry way. It was about then I realised with a 2.5 hour drive ahead a cigarette break was necessary so pulled over in the outer CBD for a puff [no smoking allowed in my car]. Critical error - within moments I was descended upon by some weirdo fucker. God knows what the fuck he was on [about] but every time he stopped talking I'd say "Well that's great... I have to go now... bye". He'd pause and continue talking as if I had said nothing. Transistor radios to adhesive hooks to a computer repair guy who drives an old Mercedes to the photocopier he used to make copies of documents that showed how much money he was sending to a girl in Thailand. This went on for 7-8 excruciating minutes, each break in talking was a step closer to the car until finally he paused, turned and walked off without so much of an acknowledgment. So totally random, so totally never ever let kids near people like him unless you want them inappropriately touched.

The drive from there was good. Sat in a pack with the same 4 cars almost the whole way, doing well over the speed limit and taking turns to lead. The unspoken rationale being if you see the guy in front get flashed by a speed camera you know to slow down.

Made it down by mid afternoon and the next 24 hours until departure were well worth the 2.5 hour travel time each way - winery for dinner, a few cheeky reds that night, raided the local bakery for breakfast, a brewery for lunch and some scenic driving to top it off. Magic. I realise now you couldn't live every weekend like that because there'd never be anything to look forward to.

Rolled back into town early Sunday evening. Picked up dog and picked up friends dog. It was at that point my week took a downward spiral. Apparently this animal which I'm dog sitting has set out to see just how far I can be pushed. Continually pulling rubbish out of the bin and scattering it throughout the house obviously wasn't enough so hole digging and writhing wet and dirty on clean couches was added to the mix amongst a plethora of other things. And so on and on and on and on. The neighbours must think I've lost the plot with the amount of swearing and screaming going on. No more dog/cat/animal sitting for anyone. Forever.

And with that it's time to get stuck into the update. Sunk some serious hours into perfecting this bad boy so if you don't like it I'd suggest the problem is more with you than me. Check it...

NOW This is cool! Don't let the size of the These BAD BOYS fool you! They can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brands that cost 2-3 times the price. LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, and you get $40 off M4kits! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Lord of Twilight - Crazy MMA Bitch - Brit's Crazy Nips - Capsized - Hilarious - Dilemma - Banging Bangkok

Evil Chihuahua - Kristen's Bell's - Satan The Poo - Give It Your All - Jiggly Boobs - Tub Girl - Mummy Tombs

'Oral Favour' - I Want One! - Auto-tune At Work - WTF Ref? - Katie Price WOW - Dear John - Butterfly Surgeon

Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their $900.00 Stimulus payment from Kevin Rudd, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand. Apparently they are all going to move up there and become Thai-Coons.
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I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
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Ascot Pasta and Deli Cafe has a new coffee on its menu... the Desmond Moran Espresso... it has three shots... only costs Tuppence... and it will blow your head off! Not to mention will not affect your underbelly.
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch!

ORSM VIDEO

SOME INTERESTING FACTS

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.,), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village.'

Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul (AKA Constantinople), Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles 'full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles.

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C.

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'

The average length and girth of an Australian website operators penis is 1.87 times greater than his next nearest competition, typically African American males.

St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.

Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%.

The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.

The Interstate System requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet. It is 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

JANA AND GEORGIA = UNFKNBLVBL
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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was always getting into trouble. The other brother was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never very close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

Finally, the evil brother died. Then, after a few years passed, the good brother passed away. The good brother went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day the good brother went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I haven't seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.

Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.

In one arm he held a barrel of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a barrel of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other.  Surely, hell can't be that good!?" "Things aren't always as they seem...." said God "... the barrel has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.  We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story...

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems..."

SKINNY IS THE NEW UGLY
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you are new to Orsm then you are probably also new to the revolutionary concept of 'reader mail'. Essentially what we've done is take submissions, also known as 'mail', from 'readers' of Orsm.net and posted them below. It's expected to be the biggest trend to hit websites since Web 2.0.

If you would like to have your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

Michael wrote:
Subject: Whats wrong here?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 1O, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 2O."Oh" instead of "zero." Took me six nanoseconds, give or take.

V wrote:
Subject: More stuff on Greek Wedding that went wrong
The quote of the year: "I didn't start this, I didn't even want this to happen, I just wanted a normal wedding day like everyone else."
Paul wrote:
Subject: rifle shoot to foot
Please tell Bill, who posted the pics of the guy who shot himself in the toe, that it wasnt a rifle he shot himself with.... it was a shotgun.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: WTF !
G'day Orsm, All the usual stuff, love the site, long term fan etc. Was checking out reader mail & having a good optic & chuckle. Then i saw one from WITH HELD showing off his ex. WTF is with this guy, he says he was screwing the puss in the pics knowing she had a boyfriend for about a year. But they split up because she was looking for other cock ! What did the dickhead expect, he even described her as a nympho ! ! And he didn't seem to mind her getting dicked by the boyfriend while he was too ( for a year ). Can't figure that one out, but I had a bloody good laugh. Keep up the good work & don't choke on a chop bone bro !

CLT Dude wrote:
Subject: Random Shite or whatever...
Found something you might like to use on your site while vacationing in Aspen, CO. Keep up the excellent work... you help keep us all sane!

click to enlarge
marc wrote:
Subject: Hoons
Now this guy has balls! Over the last 5 yrs us car lovers have copped it right up the ass in regards to tougher laws. You ca do almost any other crime and get away with i but if you are a hoon look out! If you need police assistance for a bashing, murder,rape police take thier time. Drop second and they are there strait away. Someone dobs you in and they take your car come and seize your car without a trial first. This guys sticker sums it up
click to enlarge
Mike in MO wrote:
Subject: eBay madness???
Saw your note regarding material submissions, and thought it time to send another. Received a message from eBay (portion attached as jpg). Apparently, they're dreaming... Keep up the good work, love the site, hold my email, blah, blah, blah....
click to enlarge

DS3599 wrote:
Subject: cool plate
thought you might like this plate i thought it was funny

Ingenious. -Orsm

click to enlarge
John wrote:
Subject: train wreck news
hope this makes it tonight. screenshot of the news of the train wreck in washington. And it is arguable.... that the pictures would be totally related !!
click to enlarge

Little Princess (Sami) wrote:
Subject: Lightning strike
It wasn't a lightning strike but rather a fire on the ground that caused this..

Bit of chicken wire and bog and no one would be any the wiser... -Orsm

click for gallery

simon wrote:
Subject: fun night out
hey this is a foursome i had a while back fun times!!!!!!!! please withhold mydetails!!!!

My first thought was howcome you didn't take more pics but seriously if I had three girls in my bed I probably wouldn't be wasting time snapping pics either. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Here are some pics of my girl keep the info private and ENJOY!!!!

click for gallery

bill wrote:
Subject: protective gear
This is why you wear protective gear

Some people just need to learn the hard way. -Orsm

click for gallery
Michael wrote:
Subject: hold details
A little more of Trudy, last time I sent some photos of her I think I said she is 44..... Well she is infact 47. You have something to look forward to afterall young Orsm.
click for gallery

Steven wrote:
Subject: Meet Hummer's DAD !!!!
The KNIGHT XV is priced at $310,000 USD. Only 100 will be made available as a limited first run. Each vehicle takes 1,500 hours to build by hand. Price $310,000 Production 100. Engine 6.8 liter V10. Torque 498 lb-ft. HP 400 hp. HP/Liter 58.8 hp per liter. THIS is an IRON DEVIL .....!!!!!!

click for gallery

mark wrote:
Subject: wife
love the site some photo of my wife to share

Seems to be a happy marriage. -Orsm

click for gallery

Adrian wrote:
Subject: Flying squad
Now we know why they are called "Flying" Squad

How the...? -Orsm

click for gallery
Arif wrote:
Subject: Train Accident in Moghbazar, Dhaka on June 17 video attached
Hi Orsm, Not sure if this is cool enough for your site. I regularly visit ORSM.net. Hope I can contribute. Briefly about the video: some bus driver in Bangladesh tried to run a train signal barrier... and look what happened. I dont know how the TV reporter got there in time.. Strange!!
click to watch video

Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Think about it before you rob someone VIDEO (Not for the Faint)

WARNING: EXTREMELY GRAPHIC! Do not watch if you are squirmish [and do not complain because you have been warned!]. -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

WHAT SEVEN YEAR OLDS THINK ABOUT BEER
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What do you think of beer?' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching...

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets. -Tim

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. -Melanie

My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny. -Grady

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing. -Toby

My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. -Sarah

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool. -Lilly

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting. -Ethan

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. -Shirley

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense. -Jack

BRITTNEY SKYE
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A man is walking down a street and as he passes a restaurant notices a sign outside saying 'Test our chef! He can cook anything you want no matter how outrageous!'

So in he goes and says to the waiter, "I would like a large plate of steaming shit." "We can't do that." replies the waiter. "Your sign outside says you can do anything," replies the man.

So the waiter trots off to speak to the chef. The chef says, "Well, if that's what he wants and we can't really argue with the exact wording of the sign, so let's give it him."

So they both drop their trousers and fill up a plate full. The waiter picks up the plate and takes it out to the man.

A few minutes later the waiter comes back covered from head to toe in crap.

The chef asks, "What's the matter? Didn't he like it?" The waiter says, "He said there was a hair in it..."

RANDOM SHITE
If I said this week's RS was 'epic' would you believe me? Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.

The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined. "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "What made you think that cider would ease your pain?" "Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

PLACES TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE: MYKONOS
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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...." Adam said, "What is a hill?"  So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On The other side of the hill you will find a Cave." dam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to procreate." Adam said, "How do I do that?" "Geez....." said God, and then, just like everything else, explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

About five minutes later Adam was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said... "What's a headache?"

ORSM VIDEO

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's TODAY!" The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.""Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT...
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Okay dudes time for me to blog off. If you've made it this far down the page then I'll assume you enjoyed your Orsm experience and will be back again for more... failing that, by which I mean you didn't enjoy your Orsm experience, go fuck yourself...

- Check out the site archives. They're bigger than my ego.
- Next update will be next Четверг.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray... I'm not going to tell you what he'll do but expect something quite bad okay?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and always practice good penile hygiene. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.06.18-22.46

Welcome to Orsm.net. Psychologically abhorrent.

Could it really be time for me to enthral, entertain and dazzle you dudes with another eclectic collage encompassing the best and worst of mankind!? Fuck yes! Or at least that's what this ego maniac one man band would have you believe...

Neighbours. You've got to love them. To be honest I can't complain too much. On one side of me is a couple that are polite, friendly and mostly keep to themselves. On the other is an elderly couple who are good for a chat and help me keep the garden in order. If you go further than that there's a few weirdos including one guy who its clear absolutely hates me. Will not look my way and just pretends I'm not there. Not sure what I did to him but hopefully I'm still doing it.

Then there's the old wheelchair-bound guy. Haven't figured out where he lives exactly but he scoots past on his chair most days and occasionally stops for a chat. About two weeks ago he's rolling past, I say g'day, get chatting about the weather, the Vietnam War and eventually onto his carers. Being disabled he needs some help which he went on to describe in detail. Shower time, as it turns out, requires two carers - one to pull the foreskin back and the other to wash the head and under ball area. Apparently they don't use a sponge for this either. Apparently the enjoy it more than he does.

Anyone else find this a fucking odd thing to chat with a stranger about? I'm not disabled so I guess the equivalent would be me stopping some random in the street and describing in detail my morning shit... the consistency, colour, odour and how much TP was required for clean up.

Anyway a few days ago he rolls by again. Chat chat blah blah and funnily enough he steers the conversation towards his carers and again recounts the penis washing story. Seemingly he's forgotten that he has told me and I find out this is because he's telling EVERYONE. Yep wheelchair guy spends his day rolling around the neighbourhood telling everyone about his penis. Good work if you can get it!

Moving on... read this story about cyber graveyards the other day. Basically if no one has your passwords then your fam can't get access to delete, disable or modify anything should you suddenly depart. Makes good sense but writing all that shit down, from Facebook to bank accounts to email passwords to 'make sure you delete ALL the stuff on my D: drive' - where do you leave it and/or who do you trust it to? You know they wouldn't do anything with it... but what if they're not as vigilant with your info as you are? On the other hand - how could you not? I'd fucking hate to end up on mydeathspace.com. "Mr Orsm (30's) found naked at computer with contents of D: drive showing"...

Okie-doke that'll do with the riveting social commentary and eye into my life. Let's take each other's hands, close our eyes and begin feeling the love. Can I get a 'hell yeah?!". It's update time. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's A Mystery! - Truly Amazing - Perfect Cans - Sassy Cowgirl - Little Superstar - You'll Get Wet - Smash That Ass!

Katie Price - Jumping Back - Trek Bloopers - Skank Fail - Super Sized - Epic Boys Toy - Good To See You - Balled

A Wii Accident - Squirrel Kick! - This Is Britney - Ninj-bama - Mac Or PC? - Oh Yes Yes! - Shawn Johnson

Whats wrong here? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 1O, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 2O.
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In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday she shouted at me "Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?" "Depends on the girth" was probably not the best response.
--
Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.
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Doctors say that the best way to avoid Swine Flu is to stop shaking hands. Michael J Fox must be shitting himself.
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How many people with Tourette Syndrome does it take to change a fucking cunt bastard?
--
Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied? A. Because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money!

ORSM VIDEO

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3. 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in bin to avoid criticism from greenie family members. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin swearing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00 ... but at least you know the job was done right!

I HAVE A THING FOR HOLLY
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Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon. Love, Grandma.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?" Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:  "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him".

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO... YOU GO...
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FUNNY TENANT COMPLAINTS FROM THE UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5 My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
10. ... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had one of your men down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get ABC.
22. My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
24. ... it's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

BAD PARENTING
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you are new to Orsm then you are probably also new to the revolutionary concept of 'reader mail'. Essentially what we've done is take submissions, also known as 'mail', from 'readers' of Orsm.net and posted them below. It's expected to be the biggest trend to hit websites since Web 2.0.

If you would like to have your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

Andrew wrote:
Subject: Poms = pansies. -Orsm
> Poms = pansies. -Orsm

Yeah? .....well try fucking saying that when you lot are all shivering and moaning about the cold in temperatures like 10 or 15 Celcius! ...you yourself were moaning about it very recently.

Chill out mate. Haha get it? Seriously though I'm just getting a start on the trash talk ahead of the Ashes. -Orsm

Jayson wrote:
Subject: Brutal Attack
Dude, Google translate works but the language is Portuguese.

And so it does. I was trying Spanish. Translated page here. -Orsm

Jae wrote:
Subject: Kids Bondage
What the?  I came across this whilst showing my 8 year old a "safe" website! Good one Aussie! HaHa

HKP wrote:
Subject: N.C. State student accused of creating a 'monster'
Raleigh, N.C. - Raleigh police arrested a North Carolina State University student last week who was accused of creating a "monster" out of construction barrels and placing it on the side of the road. Authorities charged Joseph Carnevale with larceny for taking materials from a construction site at a roundabout project to create the monster.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Orsm. Been a fan for years here is a pic of a great shag of mine please hide my detail. Regards

Vaginaaaa. -Orsm

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Jeff in Green Bay wrote:
Subject: Just found this pic, thought it would be a good addition...
Mr. Orsm, Just found this on the internet, great RS submission. Enjoy,
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Adam wrote:
Subject: different kind of revenge pic
A Few years ago, my old roomate sent you pictures of my penis (in its early stages of healing) soon after I was circumsized. Recently that same old roomate got the ol' snip snip performed, and like me (like an idiot) he took pictures of the healing process. Heres a picture of the ball-less bastard.
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Simon wrote:
Subject: De-motivator
Dear Mr ORSM. Please find attached a motivator of a mate of mine who was fooling around with a coco pops box a while back. Might make it for a bit of RS ? Cheers
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STEVEN wrote:
Subject: Tits
Hey Orsm big fan of the site just thought i would contribute. Here is a pic of a sexy chick i met over the internet. Shes got a great boady and was one hell of a fuck!! Please withold my info much appreciated!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Best Chinglish ever
Got this out of a box for a cheap network switch.. Please don't display my details.

Sometimes you just know they're laughing at us... -Orsm

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Nick wrote:
Subject: Two in the pink........
Came across this in the old FB. Made me laugh!

The universal sign, interpreted many ways, always meaning the same thing. Now that's what I call the global unity. -Orsm

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Iain wrote:
Subject: Gibraltar's - Airport runway
Thats one red light you wouldnt wanna run.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: 1950 Chevy Club Coupe
Purchased new by Mr. and Mrs. Jessie Trueblood of Modesto. Shortly after purchasing this car, Mr. Trueblood took a day off to go fishing. While waiting for the "big one" to bite bite he witnessed a woman fall out of her boat. Mr. Trueblood jumped in to help only to fall victim of a fatal heart attack. Mrs. Trueblood returned the car home and placed it in the garage for the next 12 years. The odometer reading at that time (1962) was 413 miles. [continues]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend Pics
Hi orsm, great site long time fan blah blah blah...Just thought I'd send a few pics of a girl I was knocking off a couple of years ago. Long story but basically she had a b/f but prefered my big cock in her tight little shaven pussy. She was a very good fuck, loves the cock and had a very high sex drive and would do absolutely ANYTHING!!! It was a lot of fun for about a year until I caught her out...she just couldn't get enough cock and I found out she was using an online dating site and had been out on a couple of dates. She hadn't got as far as shagging any of them but the intention was certainly there and was only a matter of time!!! Shame but that was the end of a beautiful relationship of no strings, mind-blowing sex with a complete nymphomaniac. I still see her around; she's got 3 kids by 3 different fathers and is now living with someone else. She's still using a couple of online dating sites so obviously still up to her old tricks. If anyone wants the details let me know and I'll pass it on...she loves nothing better than a fresh bit of cock!!! Please hide my details.

BT wrote:
Subject: A drift gone bad!
Alright, I may be sending you too much shit but I can't help it. Crazy shit keeps on happening ! Last night, one of our IT guys drives up behind our building to find steamy drift modified ( no back seat, no passenger seat, all the other shit that weighs anything stripped out) wrapped around a post! No license plates, probably borrowed from someone that did not know they were lending it. He went back out 15 minutes later and the wreck was gone. I inserted some day after pics to put it into context for your viewers.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: CAUGHT
CAUGHT IN MT EDGECOMBE - SUGAR CANE FIELD NEAR UMHLANGA

Holy. Fucking. Shit. -Orsm

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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Sleeper F100 1950
Hi Mr ORSM. Just a small contribution; Today I saw a sleeper F100 ,supercharge 460 ford big block and those massive rear tyres. Check out the billet alloy steering wheel. I looks like a heap of crap on the outside apparently the owner wanted that look. The engine and suspension is all approved by local SA transport.
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Tree House...
Well, that's my tree house sorted then...
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bill wrote:
Subject: Ouch ! !
When you rest the rifle on your foot, don't pull the trigger.

This little piggy went weeee. -orsm

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Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Maria had just gotten married, and being a good Italian girl she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta!"

CARLI BANKS
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RANDOM SHITE
Forget everything you THINK you know about RS and strap yourself in for an epic journey through the bowels of... the internets. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable"

WEILD YOUR AXE
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A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and POOF! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF! the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

ORSM VIDEO


Well well well... what do we have here...

- Check out the site archives. This exciting technology allows you see what the internet used to be like before the do-gooders got online.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless someone can present a strong arguement thus convincing me otherwise.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will flush your puppy down the toilet...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Leah. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.06.11-23.0hfuckyeah
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Wouldn't it be better if pooing was something you only had to do once a week?

Cold. I don't have one but it is... cold. Aside from this I have no immediate complaints or objections with the world. The last seven days have cruised by pleasantly and nothing much has changed except possibly the continued thinning of the cover surrounding my brain.

Was thinking the other day about David Carradine and that had he not died whilst choking himself out having a wank would anyone really have ever known he was so kinky. Unfortunately for him and Michael Hutchence it's how they'll be remembered but it reminded me of my own encounters with celebrities doing things they shouldn't... or at least things they shouldn't be doing publically.

Most memorable was seeing a few internationally successful Aussie musicians in clubs off their tits on chemicals. Current and ex TV hosts taking and one buying drugs. Sold cigarettes to a now ex footballer who was a major part of a quit smoking campaign. Aaaand so on. I suppose they weren't too worried about people finding out but most of the time being famous or known must suck. If I wanted to hit the clubs and swallow down a shit load of pills no one would think twice about it but stick me on TV for a few months beforehand then I'd be giving people stories to tell their mates for life.

This brings to mind my other celebrity encounters over the years. Mostly pretty lame but include:  Sam Newman giving us the thumbs up in his Porsche; Bon Jovi reaching down from the stage to give me five [I was 15, it was cool!]; told one of the guys from the Freestylers I downloaded their music off Napster; was in a lift with Heath Ledger [he was WAY shorter than I imagined]; got screamed at on 2 separate occasions by Tiny Pinder [he was a cunt]; and watched Julian Clary check out one of my mates. Like I said - lame. Got any good ones? Email me!

Errr... what now? Weekend weekend wrap possibly? Okay... you guys talked me into it...

Hit the shops with friends Saturday to buy a present which ended up being far easier than I expected. I'm usually hopeless - too much will they or wont they like it, will they use for it, do they already have one etc. Most of the time I end up empty handed so this way was better. The highlight of the jaunt was the breastfeeding mum. Really do not have a problem with breastfeeding in public but it mystifies me why a mum would grab a seat in the dead centre of a major shopping centre, several thousand people within pissing distance and pop out her boob especially when there are rooms for it only metres away. You either have a point to prove or want everyone to see your nips.

That nite was a friend's 30th birthday which was a costume/murder mystery party. Admittedly went into this with some scepticism. I'm not a big fan of playing dress up because a) the hassle involved with getting a costume sorted and; b) the costume inadvertently becomes a hindrance in some way, shape or form. Thankfully though my role for the murder mystery game was 'paparazzi' so black trousers, black shirt and camera wasn't all that hard to muster up. As for the game - surprisingly good fun. You get grouped together with a bunch of people and need to work out whodunit by manipulating and cheating clues out of the other groups who do the same thing.

Had a very much needed sleep in Sundai. When I finally did get up, made the most of the fantabulous weather by raking up 10 million fucking leaves that are now starting to fall. From there washed the car and then sat down to watch the football. Ahh the football. We lost but it wasn't by much and against the top team so happy days. Eagles for Premieres 2010...? Fuck yeah!

Orright let's get busy with the new update. Of course it's awesome. Check it...

WOW this is cool – D.I.Y speakers! Don't let the size of the these bad boys fool you! They can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brands that cost 2-3 times the price. LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, and you get $40 off M4kits! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's Game Time! - Do's and Dont's - Nut In Mouth - Fucking Ouch! - Titney Spears - Errr What? - It's A Party!

When You See It - Dr Phil Pranks - Super SloMo - Worlds Biggest - Come To Dildo - New Secretary - Foxy Lady

Mario Death Race - Popping J-Girl - The Sad Cat - Jessica Wow - Chuck Vs Bear - Chainsaw Maid - Funny Shit

A college student picked up his date at her parents' home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne... the works! Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to fuck me either."
--
A man is teaching his son how to masturbate. The son says "This is great fun, dad!". The father replies "I know and when you turn 13 you can start using your own cock."
--
The Well Woman Foundation published a report today claiming that only 6% of rape cases end in conviction. Anyone else like those odds?
--
A class of five-year old students are learning to read. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... "A f r i c a n Elephant".

ORSM VIDEO

50 THINGS TO DO WHILE ON AN ELEVATOR

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Censored by your son.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm... tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

SLICE OF HEAVEN: DANI WOODWARD
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Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches. There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work. "Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the city council and get them to send a new parking attendant".

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" "Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the city council, wasn't he...?" "Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."

PORTRAITURE GONE BAD
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READER MAIL
You guys were slightly more subdued this week with your attempts to make my inbox explode. Does that mean what you'll find below sucks? No. We're all about quality today. Like a fine red wine, or hot naked chick with huge cans.

If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Brutal Attack
Hi ORSM, this happened on June 1st in front of a night club called "Soft Music" in Sorocaba (countryside of Sao Paulo), Brazil. Here's the link of the news. I serached and found other link with news about the attack. The guy speaks after 3 weeks on coma. Keep up with the good work in ORSM. Cheers.

Google Translate doesn't do a very good job converting but atleast we now know the outcome - he lived. Amazing considering the severity of the attack. -Orsm

Rob wrote:
Subject: WTF?
Dear Orsm. These are gross. Please. No more hey? cheers

jesse wrote:
Subject: Drunk friend of mine from az
Hey long time reader thought id send something else your way. Here is a Native American friend of mine from az who had maybe a few to many to drink at the bar. thought it would look better on orsm.net
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: Funny picture!
Orsm, finally got something rancid enough to be worthy. This is Lake Shasta on Memorial Day Weekend. Thanks for the site, i tell everyone i know about it. Jamie, from Ashland Oregon

Dubs wrote:
Subject: heatwave
heatwave uk

Poms = pansies. -Orsm

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Mikey in Chicago wrote:
Subject: New Doctor Show
Greetings, your Orsmness. This billboard went up recently locally. Not a PhotoShop. Sorry about the poor quality.

Good show too! -Orsm

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norefillsx wrote:
Subject: submit
Hey there orsm, long time viewer, first time poster...Seen this guy standing next to the sign, just had to take a picture
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Tim wrote:
Subject: Pics/story
Hi Mr Orsm. I've been checking your site for quite some years now and it's a great site! What I want to submit is this: Recently i visited an adult website and decide to have a chat with a horney 'cammistress'. She made fun of my small cock. I asked her what she found of it and she showed it very clearly. Lol. Feel free to add the pics and story on your site and add this question: Perhaps there are some female visitors on orsm that think it's great what the cam host did and want to make their own 'fingerpic' with them smiling for me? Feel free to add my e-mail adress with the story, mr orsm.
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Martin wrote:
Subject: Random shit...
Hey man, been browsing your site for quite some time...and each browse im never disappointed. So when i snapped this cloud pic i figured it wouldnt go a miss in your Random Shit section. Lookslike a whale huh?

I can see an eel poking it's head out too.-Orsm

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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Susan Boyle
Susan Boyle's Future in Hollywood. First, she'll get the Carnie Wilson gastric bypass surgery... [continues]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hey.
Hi, I have been a religious visitor of Ur site for 4 years now, never though i would contribute but i guess i was wrong... Here are some pics of my ex fiance, she was an amazing fuck while she lasted. Please withhold my info. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Just use the pics. Some pics of a sexy lady I met on the internet. More to come if the feed back is good.
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Car Show
I'm in love!! hahaha * slight caution needed when opening the pics *

Oh hell there. -Orsm

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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Underground city of Derinkuyu
now this would have taken a little time to make... absolutly amazing
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: alrite ORSM!!!!!!
just want to add my piece to orsm again. its my second add. i hope u enjoy it more on the pics i sent last time. i met her n fucked the back out of her. for all the lovers of ORSM. plz enjoy cuz i did (and ps ....YES its up her arse!!!!!!) tite as fcuk. enjoy
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: Only in SA
Jousted said he was in his office at the Ngqushwa Municipality when he heard a commotion and went outside to see what it was all about. “At first, I thought the driver was ferrying the cow on the bakkie's roof. Then the driver got out, and told us that he was here to report an accident,” an incredulous Jooste said. Apparently, the driver hit the cow on the N2 outside Peddie and the animal flipped right over, landing on the tough little Nissan 1400's roof. The shocked, but uninjured driver proceeded to the traffic department, with the cow on top of the bakkie. Jooste said the unfortunate animal suffered serious injuries and was to be put down. "In all my 29 years as a traffic officer, I have never seen something like this," Jooste added. All the DispatchOnline team can say is: “Only in the Eastern Cape.”
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Nic wrote:
Subject: 4x4 gone wrong
Hi there... Thought you guys may like these pics of a guy who entered his Pajero that he was trying to sell into a 4x4 National Off road challenge in Cato Ridge South Africa and then got things horribly wrong and ended up at the bottom of the climb on his roof. Something that makes these pics amusing is the For Sale (Te Koop) sign in the windows of the vehicle that reads in bold Has Never Been Off-Road... Now isnt that just tempting fate?? Keep up the brilliant site.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: this bitch fucked me over good.
Hey ORSM long time reader. this bitch fucked me when i left for basic training for the US ARMY...i left and she went for my cousin. funny shit..this will give me a little bit of peace at heart. thanks. (hide my details please)
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J wrote:
Subject: Dinner didn't go as planned
Hey Orsm, I've got another batch of pics that you might enjoy. A friend of a friend was hiking on a closed road in Montana through Glacier National Park and he came across this situation. It is apparent that the mountain lion and the bighorn sheep had been engaged in a battle on top of the cliff, and one or the other took a wrong step and they fell to a very sudden death. You can tell by the freshness of the blood, eye coloration, and wounds that it had to have happened within a few hours of the photos being taken. The horns on bighorn sheep are designed to take an incredible amount of stress when they fight for mating rights each year, so the impact on the road must have been pretty significant to shatter one horn off. Take special note of the chunk of bighorn sheep still in the mountain lion's mouth. Enjoy!
Rui wrote:
Subject: African SPAM
Hi Orsm, Long time viewer! Thanks for an awsome site & hours of fun! Attached an example of some African spam. taking into consideration they sent it to a surf camp company ,o) Keep up the good work! Thanks
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hold up
gday Orsm, my mates work in a bottle shop up north .... place has been rolled a number of times so when a local come in wearing a pig mask its not the best idea as a joke. My mate should fucking hit him with the steal bar for being such a knob but was going to lock him in the shop and call cops till he revealed himself. Lucky i would started to swing that bar at him, cheers
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

CARLI & CELESTE LEZ UP YOUR DAY
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RAILROAD TRACKS

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.)

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

RANDOM SHITE
Prepare for awesomeness. Check it...

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LETTER FROM AN AUSSIE BOSS

As the CEO of this organisation, I have resigned myself to the fact that Kevin Rudd is currently our Prime Minister, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six employee cars with 'Kevin 07' bumper stickers and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic...

STUNNING UNDER THE SEA
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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. Using sign language, she says: "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He signs back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

ORSM VIDEO

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a clueless idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name."

"I guess I was wrong about my brother", she thought... "I really like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies "Denephew"

A GRAVE MATTER
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That's a wrap people. Tune back in next week at the same Bat-time on the same Bat-channel for more Bat-Orsm. Oh yeah don't know if I mentioned it but...

- Check out the site archives. They're so good it's practically unpossible.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Weather permitting of course.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get cross.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be good to your mudda. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.06.04-22.57
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. For Real.

It's somewhat unnerving that we're almost half way through the year. It's flown by at such a rate that it feels like only mere moments ago I started the update with "I can't believe it's May already". Unfortunately it's not mere moments ago and this is probably just prolonged adolescent drug use coming back to haunt me...

The good thing about June however is it means time for my annual road trip/holiday... or 'vacation' or whatever you want to call it. The whole idea behind jaunting away this time of year: dead of winter, maximum rain, maximum cold, zero traffic and no-one around. You pretty much have the run of the place to yourself. Bliss. Obviously you lose the bikini factor but it's a sacrifice I'm happy to bare.

So anyway I'd been secretly planning to head off next week for a few months now. Always best to keep these things on the down low so friends don't find ways to invite themselves and I've been quite successful. What I didn't count on though was being thought of highly enough by pesky neighbours, family and friends to keep an eye on their places, check mail etc while THEY take a holiday. Add to that a couple of [mandatory attendance] birthdays coming up and the pending arrival of long lost friends from overseas. By the time all that is out of the way school will have broken for two weeks and I'm definitely not going then. My point? In a nutshell - it looks like the whole thing is getting pushed back until late July. Fuck my life.

Interestingly enough my horoscope said I should stop working long enough to let the universe find a way to work something wonderful into my life. By this they meant money 'magically' coming my way or some time to take a break. Kind of fucking cancel each other out don't they? Work and cash comes your way = no break. Don't work and get a break = no cash.

Moving on to my weekend. Why? Well what else would you rather hear about is why. To be honest it was a remarkably unremarkable three day long weekend. The kind of weekend you would only remember if you went back and read about it in your blog years after writing about it...

Friday was dinner at a crappy Chinese restaurant I'd previously sworn never to eat at. Surprisingly the food wasn't all that bad and I didn't have to eat shit as I had also previously proclaimed I would rather do.

SaTURDay was eclectic. It went from shopping to hanging out with friends to fixing a computer to hanging out with the same friends and eating ice cream. Sunday, rinse repeat, nix the shopping, add quiet night to self. Aka. A win for all.

Monday, Foundation Day holiday, we finally attacked one of the many jobs around the house which has sort of just been 'forgotten' about. "Forgotten" of course meaning "really need to get to that one day" AND "I'll wait until it breaks". Anyway it involved using structural steel to reinforce the carport opening. Ever since my garage renovations a few years back and subsequent massacring of the brickwork, I've been expecting it to collapse either onto me or on to my car. Thankfully [read: hopefully] now avoided.

Okay best we get a move on with the update before I put anyone bothering to read this nods off. By the way - the main site is now running off a new server. Dual quad core monster with 8gigs memory, four 15k spin RAID 5 hard drives plus a whole bunch of other cool shit. This affects most things [except videos which are on another server] so you guys should notice pages and images loading faster. Any problems or feedback here please! And now for the update. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Click for more awesomeness

Zombie Invasion - Self Shooters - Oil 'Em Up! - Top Gun Redux - 2 Girls 1 Sub - Stupidity - 38DDD Asian

Dream Chronicles - CS Office Space - Lily's Nip Slip - Pretty Fly - Genius Advertising - Jessica Biel Nude - Blonde Angel

Heather Graham - Ginormous Cans - Shark Falcons - Party Starter - Airing It Out - I See Tits - The Red House

A guy had just bought a brand new M3, intent on putting it to the test he'd taken it to the twistiest and most demanding country lanes he knew. He was burning through each bend at considerable speed, taking every corner like the car was on rails, the adrenalin was truly pumping, what a car!! Out of nowhere he has to swerve to avoid a head-on with a woman in some shit-heap, she's going way faster than the car can handle and holding on to the steering wheel for dear life through gritted teeth she screams at him "PIG!". He has the window down in a flash and hollers back at her at the top of his voice "CUUUUUUUUUNT". Around the next bend he crashes into a pig.
--
An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become Irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain. Anyway the Englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and says "I'm terribly sorry, there's been a mistake to be sure, we accidentally removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!" The Englishman sits up and simply says "She'll be right, mate!"
--
The West Australian Police are cracking down on speeders heading towards, and into the city of Perth. For the first offense, they give you two Dockers match tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

ORSM VIDEO

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed" answered the kid. "Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion!? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!"

EVA ANGELINA
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The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.

"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money." "Oh, shit," says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels." "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."

The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off.

As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."

"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.

"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Anne. "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.

They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we would still have the Range Rover."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

ACTUAL ENTRIES IN SOUTH AFRICAN HOSPITAL REGISTERS

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40kg weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

BUST 'EM OUT GIRLS
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A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"

WHAT'S A FUEL ECONOMY?
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READER MAIL
Nothing like a massive email week. My inbox has been stuffed like a whore's vagina and getting through it all has left me feeling like one. That said though - ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to bombard me with whatever the hell you got. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Risqué of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!

MK from G wrote:
Subject: orsm reader mail
Hi Mr. O. I read an article the other week about a man that is one of this century's leading mathematicians. His name is Stephen Wolfram. He locked himself up in an attic for 5 years to complete a book that changed the way scientists look at the universe now. Then he took all his resources and programmed a completely new kind of internet search engine; "Wolfram Alpha" does not list a zillion websites that have a certain phrase somewhere on them (like Google does), but it computes _questions_ and tries to give out exactly ONE correct answer to them, combining hundreds of pieces of info and data in the process (e.g., "How was the exact weather in Melbourne, Australia the day that the 34th president of the USA died?" - or something. You get the picture.)

Now, after playing around with Wolfram Alpha a bit, it struck me: Instead of reading these MORONIC discussions on orsm.net about "the 111'111'111 squared problem" for eleven more weeks, and instead of taking a pen & a piece of paper to finally solve the problem the way I learnt to in school, I just took the equation to wolframalpha.com and just typed it in there, because I figured, that calculator will have enough space to display the FULL result and, get it right in the process - once and for all. I'm 31 years old and I haven't had any maths teaching in 12 years, but even I knew that this whole lame discussion was just a problem of rounding and of displaying numbers on a small screen. And really, I was getting sick of it. It feels like it has dominated the "Reader Mail" section for 3 months now.

Long story short; the result is actually & truly 12345678987654321. Go there and check it out; you can even click "Show steps" if you still don't believe it. The END! PLEASE!

Agreed. The 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 issue is now officially closed. -Orsm

Pricey wrote:
Subject: Brutal Attack.
Orsm, Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people? As a teenager there was a certain rule that was followed even in a fight, jumping on some ones head was just not fucking done and neither was continuing to beat someone when they where down. I would think the victim in that video would have sustained massive brain damage and would say he died? Anyone have and background info on that incident? Its just fucking sickening that that little dog cunt, and i use that term loosely kept fucking going on the guy, what ever happened to once hes down then thats it, it stops. I hope they all get caught and sent to prison to be the hard men they think they are, the general population would sort them out in no time, lock em up and throw away the key , those dogs dont deserve to be part of the society we live in.

LOTS of email about this. Most of them in disbelief anyone could actually go that far, particuarly jumping on an unconcious guys head. Haven't been able to work out where it happened. If anyone knows please drop me an email. -Orsm

amit wrote:
Subject: An article for your next update
Hey bro. Wassa ? Hows it hangin ? Hers an article which I'm sure you'll find funny enough and socially relevant (LOLOL) to post in your next update. cheers bro

Tim wrote:
Subject: The Economy has finally "Bottomed Out"
Another Poor Person Forced Into Using 'Hand-Me-Down' Clothes!

Looks like for some people the cracks are really starting to appear... -Orsm

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Matt wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Found in a south Auckland service station
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scott wrote:
Subject: ouch
This is what happens when you use a cutting wheel as a grinding wheel. Nice one Chris. 4 hours in surgery....BUGGER.

Congratulations! Now every time I pick up a grinder I'll think of this. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Hey Mr Orsm, Long time looker. third time sender!! Luv yr shit n all that!! Saw this act of hilarious childish vandalism this morning and had to send it to ya. If ya end up posting it hold back on ma details!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Horse balls
Gday, Noticed these at my local Kmart(western Sydney) this evening and had to take a pic to share "price check in aisle 5 on horse balls". Cheers
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katie wrote:
Subject: how blonde are you
To Mr Orsm, Got this off facebook thought it was a laugh. Please hide details bla bla. Cya

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: True dat derr unna cuz
G'day. I was walking down the King St. in Sydney not long ago and saw this. I thought it was funny then some cops came and laughed, took a photo then left. Must be used to it I guess. Sorry bout the quality it was on my phone. Love the site yada yada yada. Usual withhold details, cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: kevin rudd is...
Hey mate, love your site, crawl through it every Friday. Here's google's auto complete for 'kevin rudd is..'

Google is rarely wrong too. -Orsm

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mike wrote:
Subject: Lightning hits a golf bag
yikes.....lesson - always ride or distance yourself from caddy.... A man got hit by lightning on a golf course in Madison , WI. The following are pics of what was left of his bag. Please pass this along to your golfing buddies. Be careful out there.....................

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Car Builder wrote:
Subject: oi, prick!
just kidding. here are some photos of random bitches i've fucked over the past few years. if they get posted (or if you want) i can send you some more of the hot asian as she is the actual wifie. love the site and blah blah, actually got the wife to check it out weekly now as well. she loves her some boobies! says the site needs more brunettes tho.
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Wrong Number Jasmine wrong:
Subject: "Wrong Number Jasmine"
Hi ORSM, Have an update for you from wrongnumberjasmine.au2.com. Don't really hear from our Jasmine much anymore. Just the occasional call from a "Private Number" that keeps asking, "Who the f*** is this?". But i've decided to do the right thing and release the pictures. I can't host them on the jasmine site but if you post them, you and your readers can check out her goods (or bads).

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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Brisbane Flooding
hmmm looks like it rains in Bisbane aye ...LOL ©¿©

Paper towels would have this cleaned up in no time. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
LONG LONG TIME lurker here on ORSM... finally sending something along... 2 pics of a co-ed that I tapped while in Toronto on the weekend. Please don't post my information.
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Nahhh...it'll buff out!
A large cargo plane crashed and broke apart while trying to abort a take-off at Brussels airport. The Boeing 747-200 skidded to a halt in a field at the end of a runway. Four of the five crew members on board the plane, operated by US-based cargo carrier Kalitta Air, were slightly injured and were hospitalised. The aircraft cracked near the tail and by the wings when it slid 300 metres past the end of runway 20. The plane, full of fuel, stopped just five metres from a rail line and 500 metres from houses on the edge of the town of Zaventem. Local news speculated that a tyre could have blown during takeoff or the engines could have failed.

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BT wrote:
Subject: Corvette Pictures
I usually send crazier stuff but I saw this car that I thought your readers would appreciate. My 9 year old son took the pictures hanging out of a moving jeep so they are not the greatest. I thought about using photo shop to put them together into one car but then sometimes submitters over photo shop. These are all natural!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of ex
Her name is beth. She¹s a c-word. Same story over again. I hope she sees this. Please don't publish my info.
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Fergs wrote:
Subject: Broken Leg
Hello Mr Fuck Face, I mean Orsm, Long time perv, Virgin supplier of shit. Blah. blah Blah. Recently I broke my leg playing what most refer to as Wog Ball. Attached is video and post operation shots. Had complications when I came back to hard and I broke a couple of titanium screws. In it for the long term now. Keep up the good work. Thanks

Stuart wrote:
Subject: How much of the £93m did your MP claim?
Full list of [British] MPs' expenses attached. Just in case you were wondering.

Why else would you go into politics if you couldn't rort the system and make a fortune? -Orsm

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Phil wrote:
Subject: Sumpin' Cool
I've sent the odd nugget from Northern Canada over the years... This is a fatality report of a giant truck crushing a pick-up (ute). The report is a good read, but for those with a short attention span, check out the pix. No blood 'n guts, but carnage nonetheless.

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# # wrote:
Subject: funny shit - Good Old Mayfield
drunk guy does his shopping on 22/02/09 at mayfield woolworths... almost falls into meat fridge and then stumbles into confectionary isle and falls onto the shelves... must be a local, no one was suprised.

You know you've hit rock bottom when... -Orsm

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ORSM VIDEO

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring the gas at about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

JAIME ELLE - FUCK YEAH!
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RANDOM SHITE
RS... not perfect but a hell of a lot better than female genital mutilation. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall!"

HELO-PLANE
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. The husband moves closer to the voice. "Do you still need a push?" he calls out (soaking wet). "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband... "Over here... on the swing..." replied the drunk.

ORSM VIDEO


And that is that. Hopefully you've enjoyed surfing as much as I did sticking it altogether. Hopefully I've managed to keep you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing. Hopefully you don't lose your job. Oh yeah just one more thing...

- Check out the site archives. 'Archive' derived from the Greek word meaning 'shit load of porn, videos and other cool stuff'.
- One way or another, next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get involved. All I'm saying is that the last bunch of people who didn't found themselves on an flight from Brazil to Paris...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your foreskin clean. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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