Finally! A frickin update! Don't
worry - I'm sure you'll agree it was worth the wait. What's my excuse
this week? Well as you've all come to expect there's ALWAYS
I decided I needed to format my
computer due to it running like a big pile of shit and upgrade some
stuff while I was at it. Started off as a good idea, good intentions
and all that but as usual it turned into a typical fuck-fest [fuck-fest:
time when i say fuck a lot] resulting in me being out of action for a few days. Add to
that the 2 days previous which had been spent backing up thousands
of files and the grand total was pushing 5 or 6 days.
Three reinstalls later I finally
got everything fixed and working sweetly only to find the site unreachable
which meant I couldnt update even if I wanted to. Apologies for
the day and a half downtime - it was beyond our control. Anyways,
all should sorted for the time being which means I can get on with
whatever it is I do.
Probably not too much point dribbling
on about the whole war thing. I'm a bit undecided about where I
stand on the subject at the moment. Sad to see so many people being
killed but as we are constantly reminded "that is to be expected
in war". I guess if we sit on our hands and do nothing then
who's to say it won't come back and bite us on the ass in years
to come? I think I'd rather have it this way than take the chance.
My only war related fear now is
that everyone has underestimated Sadam and his merry men. Could
anyone be as defiant as he has without knowing something no one
else does? I get the feeling that if he's put in a position where
Baghdad is about to be taken he'll resort to nasty-measures
and try and take as many people with him as he can. We'll have to
wait and see I guess...
By far the coolest thing to come
out of this has been the coverage.
The live footage of tanks and troops blazing across the desert toward
Baghdad has been rivetting. It's amazing that we can sit at home
in the comfort of our lounge rooms and almost be there as the invasion
Add to that the squillions of news
sites around the world with stories on every possible aspect of
the battle, updating pretty much in real time - it's practically
impossible to not know what's going on. I'm probably not far off
the mark in saying that we're approaching a time when news papers
are becoming redundant - by the time the paper is in your lap you've
already seen what happened on TV or read in on the net.
While I'm on the subject of [reality]
TV I feel compelled to dish up my two cents on Joe Millionaire.
I didn't watch any of the shows until the very last episode last
week which was obviously a smart move - a bunch of catty bitches
with fake boobs all back-stabbing eachother at every chance made
it worse than Survivor. I've tried hard but I don't see what the
point of the exercise was if they were just going to hand over a
million big ones at the end. Doesn't it just defeat the purpose
of crashing the chicks day knowing she'd actually hooked up with
Joe Broke? Wouldn't it have been smarter to tell them they can have
the million in 5 years time if they are still together? No idea
what's happened since the show ended but I'm sure she would have
ditched him if the money wasn't involved.
This little snippet came from Stile
Project from a while back. Has to be one of the all time funniest
clips I've ever heard. Click
here to to get Bush Whacked!
you will find here is possibly one of the cruelest things I've
ever seen and also one of the funniest. How on earth would you recover
from something like that?
While I think of it... can everyone
please go and visit MentalErnie.org.
me [although I don't think he did] in a mini contest to see who
could do the biggest update. Next time one of these things comes
up I'll actually try... hehe.
Some of you guys may
have read about the Nokia cat ad thats going around. First
time I saw it I nearly wet myself laughing. I hate cats! Snivelling
little bastards that only suck up when they want something...
plus I'm allergic to them. Anyways here it is...
Cat Ad -
I wish I could lay claim to having written
the foillowing piece becasue it's truly brilliant [author unknown
by the way!]. Just makes you wanna find some protestors and try
With all of this talk of impending war, many
of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and
convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones
who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support
terror. These activists may be alone or
in a gathering... most of us don't know how to react to them. When
you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here
are the proper rules of etiquette:
1. Listen politely while this person
explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and
look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge
is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us,
we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many
arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them
in the nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very
angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only
brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this
matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach
to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate
a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe
what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It
is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.
We owe our military a huge debt for what they
are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and
our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike
back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose. Lesson
over, class dismissed!
I YAM WEE TAR DID.
I YAM SOFA KING WEE TAR DID.
I YAM SOFA KING FIK.
Steven Wright - Quotes:
Jack Handy - The
Work Poo - True
Or False - Yes
Enema - Animated
Flash Chicks - Bend
Over Bin Laden - FBI
Spy Tactics - Hardcore
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table,
put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that
the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the
table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near
the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay
the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that
there is only one check left. My extra cheques are in my desk in
the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of beer that
I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first
I need to push the beer aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. I see that the beer is getting warm, and I decide I should
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a
vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be
watered. I set the beer down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise
that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the
remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but
most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on
the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down
the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of beer sitting on
the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one
check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then
when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy ALL DAY LONG, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and
I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...
On a farm out in the country lived a man and
a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke,
and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw
that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he
too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents
dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and
drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid
sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the
reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times
in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable
to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering
what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten
times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the
son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy
the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents
dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided
that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have
seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you
will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young
son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why
not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you
will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody
back to perfect health." Then the young fellow asked, "Wait!
How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it
did the cow?"
HARD AT WAR
Nudes - Drizunk
Pato - Em Rocka
Death - Dont
Mess Around - Choke
Your Heart - The
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.He smelled
the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.He wanted
one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the
landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where
his wife was busily baking cookies.With waning strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered are to
the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie,
his favourite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?".
"They're for the funeral"
A father, son and grandson go out to the country
club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first
tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks
the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde
thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar
as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to
smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories
or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together,
go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good
at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite
her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind
as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver
and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the
green. The father's mouth is agape.
"That was beautiful," said the dad.
The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't
get into it and I should have faded it a little." After the
three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest
to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball
within five feet of the hole.
The son says "damn, lady, you played that
perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little
weak. I've left a tricky little putt." After the son buries
a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns
the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double
bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game.
She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but
I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe
I'll really get into this next drive." Having the honors, she
drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball,
and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze
the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is
three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating
green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really
want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists
and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need
this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll
take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute
Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the
rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls
across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally
says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and
hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into
the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using
his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want
to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that
little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walks over to
the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her.
"That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Age and treachery will triumph over
youth and skill every time.
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a
meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with
a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All
of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will
sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can
get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his
wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get
on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land
out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out
the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!" and
out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got
fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it
will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained
will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every
day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression,
as he held out a piece of paper.
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a
very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call
of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the
bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set
themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and
began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull
came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the
bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get
out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity,
the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm
going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.
Subject: the new war
good day mr. orsm. I would like
to thank you for maintaining the best web site on the net.
I would like to contribute to the site in my own way. attached
you will find pictures taken by the aljazeera network in
Iraq of the casualty of an unnecessary war. this is something
that CNN will not dare to show you, and i cannot think of
another site worthy of, to show what Hippocrates Americans
are. Ignorant, trigger happy fools, led by the idiot of
the century. I hope that these pictures would open up some
eyes to this war, and i hope people would realize that just
cause its being shown on TV, that its not real. Innocent
people are dying by the hands of the american and someone
has to do something about it. (heck, americans are dying
by the hands of americans by the high number of so-called
"accidents".) Sincerely, Frank. Toronto Ont. Canada.
Peace, all da way to the middle east.
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War - Iraq:
Images Of War
Whilst I agree that the
above images, if they're real, are not pleasant, I think
I was much more disturbed with what
I found here. -Orsm.
This dude got ripped at a superbowl party
I threw a couple years back. I never liked him but he was
part of the crowd I had to invite. I took these pics after
he was found in an alley behind the poolhouse. We think
he wanted to skinnydip and probably would have drowned if
he had managed to fall in the fucking pool. I hope you can
use them !!!
Subject: oi you aussie twat!
Don't slag our sport off…wait
until we come over for the Rugby World Cup and kick your
sad convict arses….if you really want a battle why
don't you try and declare war on us!! Hey, give that
a bash why don't you, I bet we'd kick your sad
prison dwelling arses right back to that dried up place
you call home! p.s. there a bar job waiting here for you
when you go traveling – which reminds me why are there
so many of you round the world, something wrong with your
Subject: re: SPONSOR A POM - LEND YOUR SUPPORT
Yes, very funny, very ammusing, but just
one small question - how many times in a row have we beaten
you at rugby now? Is it 3? I think it's 3. Let's just wait
and see what happens at the world cup.
I don't get why you people are bringing up
rugby when everyone is talking about cricket...? Time to face
facts - we are MUCH better than you. Whilst we're on the subject
I wanna know whats happened to all you Kiwi's and South African's
that emailed me before the World Cup saying how badly you
were going to beat us? What the fuck happened to you all?
Are you guys all okay? I just wan't to know you are okay!
It went from a barrage of emails gloating at your impending
victory to dead silence. By the way, did you all happen to
notice that WE
WON THE WORLD CUP WITHOUT LOSING A MATCH!!?!
Subject: Check this out!
Here is a series of pics form this girl
I had screw her self with a cucumber when I was on house
arrest. The internet is an amzing thing. I also wanted to
add that I love the site, there is nothing better than sick
humor and porn all in one stop. Its like a mans Meijer's
on the net!!
Subject: student protests
hey mate firstly I'd just like to say
that you site kicks ass. The design the content the speed
etc. But your little bit on student protests pissed me off
a tad. Firstly I should explain the position from which
I'm coming, I'm a West Australian law arts student (majoring
in politics) and I was at this protest. Secondly I have
to say that I am extremely opposed to the war on Iraq, for
a number of reason which I'm not going to go into because
I can't be fucked explaining them all (if you want me to
email me back and I will but I think that you are probably
against the war anyway). I think your comments on the kid
were a bit off, if they were just keen to get off school
for a day they would not have marched and then sat in the
middle of the terrace in 35+ degree heat for over an hour,
they would have simply fucked off the timezone or something
like that. Furthermore I think that the comments relating
to the flag are a bit off, the reason the Australian army
have fought is not for the flag per se, but for the country,
so that we as a people have a right to express our political
freedom, and if this includes burning a flag then I don't
see how that is a crime. Particularly when it is burnt in
protest against the government ( not the army or veterans),
in protest over support for a war which over 60% of Australians
don't want to happen. I can see how some people would see
the burning of a flag as an attack on Australia but that
is not the way it was intended. Everyone in Australia has
the right to protest and burning a flag is merely a way
of expressing disgust for the actions of a country, not
an attack on the history of that country. Personally at
the moment I'm not feeling very patriotic at all, in fact
I'm fucking embarrassed, embarrassed that the Australian
Govt doesn't have the balls to tell Bush where to stick
his fucking war.
Subject: <no subject>
re your little rant about the schoolies
marching in protest against the prospect of war in Iraq. It's
a bit rich for you to go calling them uneducated and juvenile,
then come out with a statement like; "and if I had of
been there I'd have belted the little fucks" It should,
of course, have read "if I had HAVE been there".
Or even "if I had been there" is acceptable. I knew
that in primary school, and a friend of mine who is a primary
school teacher wouldn't accept that from her year 5 class.
But if you were educated, you should have known that.
My 'uneducated' comment was in reference
to the protesters lack of knowlegde on the subject as opposed
to their sub-standard vocabulary skills. Cheers for the heads
up anyways - I'll pay more attantion next time! - Orsm.
Suject: RE: Michael Jackson Pics
Now, to the dick that sent in the pics
of Wacko Jacko stating that they prove he's a kid fucker,
I am in no way a Jacko Supporter, but when I read what you
emailed and saw the pics, I had to agree why no magazine
would buy them off you!!!
A couple of years ago
a band named 3T (I think) came out and Jacko did the harmonies
for them. The "boys" in the pics are the band and
Sare also Michael Jackson's NEPHEWS!!!! If you want to point
the finger at kid fuckers, get ya facts true, otherwise people
will start attacking innocent (but in Jacko's case, STRANGE)
people due to the words of confused people such as yourself.
Had a few similar emails
to this one confirming that the people pictured are indeed
the members of 3T. I think it's safe to say that MJ still
only fiddles with kids behind closed doors. -Orsm.
Subject: Not For The Faint Hearted
This is a picture of a nasty accident
in NZ recently. (Those who cannot stomach accident photos
should open file at your own risk!) A young girl was cycling
along Victoria Ave and was hit head-on by a jeep. Saddest
part is that nobody did anything to help this girl. Everybody
just looked but one guy did take a picture as evidence for
the police. My friend actually saw this when he was going
home from the city. He managed to send me this photo. He
did not do anything to help because it was too much to look
at. I hope there is a lesson to be learned from this. We
should always help people in need.
Subject: the truth of Assassin.
Assassin derives from the persian hashshashin,(speling
is obviously wrong I'm swedish and have no idea how
persian should be translated into english and from arabic
to latin signs) witch reffers to the devoted and military
members of the extreme shiitic sect nizari-ismailiya (1090-1256)
famous for three things: 1 murder. 2 smoking the herb. and
3 they were the only group in the orient that did not yield
to the Mongols and survived to tell about it. They were
popularily called haschishsmokers ,hashashashins, by the
Syrans who lived with the crusaders. The crusaders in turn
soon came to connect that name with outher activities -
thus, assasin, assasinate, and so on.
I heard you talking about how hot it
is where you are. It's winter here in Roanoke, Va USA. We
have had day after day of snow where I live. I haven't seen
grass in like a month. This is the most snow we've gotten
in a year since 106 years ago. Anyway, after reading your
post about how hot you've been, I went outside and made
this pic for you to help keep you cool. It took quite a
bit of piss to make the lettering this thick, but afterall
I was piss letter champion in tenth grade. I guess that
had to pay off someday.
THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there
lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through
the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when
the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course,
knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm
terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK,"
replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew
my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and
work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the
snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the
bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you
the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue,
no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French!".
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers.
They start talking and soon realise they're both doctors. After
an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together
tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it.
They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into
the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into
the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she
goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon,
aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did
you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before
we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the
woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah,
how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because
I didn't feel a thing."
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans
over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second
kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
The first kid says, "You've got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to
sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice
cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you
here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that
done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
SH SH SH.... HE-LA!!??
There's some fucked up people
in this world. People that either were severely beaten as
children or should have been severely beaten as children.
Take you pick with this one...
Three women die together in an accident and go
to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have
one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there
are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step
on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the
ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing,
and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular,
St. Peter chains them together without saying
a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I
don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
LION TAMER WANTED
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and
two young people show up for the tryout. One is a handsome lad in
his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same
age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat
it — this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so
you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment:
a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She
walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to
charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing
her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly
crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to
lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth drops to the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies, "Absolutely, just get that friggin'
lion out of the way."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and
find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting
there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender - "Hey,
you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is
a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde
with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next
to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right
is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Not if I'm gonna
have to explain it five times."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey
I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in NSW with my
boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This
is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting
so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing
by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk
pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being
a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,
"Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to
do?" The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the
passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One
is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another was
a cowboy on his way to Billings, Montana for a stock show. The third
passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to
their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab
is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his
boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward
over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock
flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat
and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many... now we
are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few", he sneers, "and now we
are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one
side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says
in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims
There were these twin sisters just turning one
hundred years old in a nursing home and a reporter from the local
newspaper was assigned. The reporter told a photographer to get
over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the
other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit
on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE
SAY?" "He said, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"
said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"
said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE
SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just
hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said
the photographer. Yet again -- "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE
SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted
out, "OH MY GOD, BOTH OF US?
Jon takes his dog for a walk. After a while he
gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a
bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for
an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?" Jon
responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop. "Oh, she'll be
all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean.
Your dog needs bred." "I gave her a half of a loaf this
morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little
upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I
am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed." "Go right
ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
There's a number of things
that retards should be prevented from doing. Playing with
big toys is near the top of the list and the following examples
are proof why...
Three men: one American, one Japanese and an
Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping
sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The
others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"
he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy, the Irishman, felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone,
he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped
out of the sauna. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you
look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he
wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything
about each other. He tells her that it's fine... they can learn
about each other as they go along. She consents, they marry... then
leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning as
they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs
the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer
followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens
out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he comes back and eases back on his towel.
Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"
I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You
see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After
about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel,
hardly out of breath.
Very excited, he says, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No," she answers.
"I was a hooker in El Paso, Texas, and I worked both sides
of the river."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains
to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some
more "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't
"But I always get it here," says the
blonde."Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!"
said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it!" She returns
with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
The annoyed blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container... "To apply, push
I reckon that's all I'm good for this week. As
always I hope I've managed to distract you from doing what you are
supposed to be doing and broken up some of the drudgery of the work
day. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you're bored
- drop me an email! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.