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March 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.03.26-23.19

Commencing immediately Orsm.net will be switching to HD format. This will provide better quality and an enhanced user experience. This does mean some changes to users - in future access to Orsm.net will only be possible using the HTTP protocol. Please ensure you have the necessary software installed as the current format will cease shortly. Thank you.

Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Where can I find a woman like THAT?

From Australia... coming to you live it's Orsmmmmm. Ah yes - yet another Thursday, yet another update, yet another chance to turn my [keyboard] strokes in to your entertainment... or at least -try as I may- that's the goal.

I don't know what it was about yesterday but it was easily the worst Wednesday all week. 9am start, 3am finish, an hour in the middle to walk dog and cook dinner. The rest of it spent trying to stick this update together and it was absolutely tedious. Could not get anything done, making mistakes, redoing shit, breaking stuff. Endless. Fuck I hate days like that. It's how I imagine a loveless gay relationship would be... bent over getting plugged for hours and hours and hours by a very unattractive, flaccid old guy that just cannot or will not cum.

That aside it hasn't necessarily been a bad week... not unless you count my PC fucking itself and a hard drive failing, losing my weekend to unpaid manual labour and the aforementioned dog whose side-effect to medication is incontinence and subsequent repeated mopping of the house. Nope... not all bad at all.

The high point is of course the long-awaited return of the Aussie Rules Football season. I haven't been this giddy since the beginning of the 2008 season. Sure, my much loved West Coast Eagles spiralled down, down, down from the very first game and languished on the bottom of the ladder from round 1 but this is a new year, full of new hope, anticipation and promise. Yeah it is!

If you're unfamiliar with Australian Rules and living under the delusion your country actually plays a code worthy of being called 'football' [such as soccer or gridiron] then please watch this.

Movin' on... weekend stuff. For some reason I allowed myself to be coerced into volunteering to help friends 'do a bit of gardening' Saturgay. The idea was to plant a shit load of plants at their new place - dig some holes, drop some soil in, plant something green and cover with more soil. Not really a big deal I thought... good to get outdoors, break a sweat, have a chat etc. WRONG.

Somehow, someone, ordered 2-3 times more soil than was needed. Long story short, a 4-5 hour job turned into 10 hours spread over 2 days. I wasn't impressed and the worst part is I'm locked in again this coming weekend for more of the same. Why? Because I'm such a nice guy... awww.

Orright that's probably more writing than anyone should ever do about themselves or for that matter anyone should ever be forced to read so with that in mind we should probably pull on the rubber gloves, reach for the nearest tissue box and get stuck into the greatest update since last Thursday. Check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads no matter where you are! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Sperm Race - Amazing Hookup - Smokin' Bod - A Love Story - Worst Comedian - Molten Magic - Monster Dongs

Cool Chameleon - Heck's Kitchen - Obliteration - Fashion Tits - So So Cruel - Azn Beauty - Hayden's Butt

Too Fucking Hot - Nude Up! - Crazy Shit - Falling Down - Milian Bikini - Cock Shot - Wigging Out - Flipping Out

At five minutes and six seconds after four AM on the 8th of July of this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07/08/09.
--
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
--
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
Jesse Jackson was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

ORSM VIDEO

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

ZEINA HEART
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - pay your fucking bills!

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

THE NIP SLIP
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After 10 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asked Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse, buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondling and kissing them passionately.

A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt, rips her G-String off and fingers her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline flushed, try's to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?" Mark thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

JUST IN CASE YOU GET HUNGRY...
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Do you ever have those weeks where it feels like no one has sent you a single email but when you sit down Wednesday to sort through it all and work out what to include in the update it turns out there was shitloads? Happens all the time I swear...

ANYWAY if you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

Travis wrote:
Subject: Sweet pic
Love your site, you are the fucking man Orsm!!! Too much booze and spaghetti leads to this.....

Spew in the Orsm colours FTW! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Matthew wrote:
Subject: P plate write off
Mate was speeding cuttin across 2 lanes at a time, didnt see the car pulled over ahead and wrote it off, of all things a cop car lol.

Try explaining that one. -Orsm

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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Queensland - The Smart State
What is wrong with this picture?

Queenslanders... what can you say? -Orsm

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Shark fishing
shark fishing South African Style
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Just for you
Telling people to see your site and recorded thus

Excellent is you. -Orsm

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cunnox wrote:
Subject: The floods up north in Australia aren't all bad news...
This is easy fishing. These are some Barra that are being washed over the spillway at Lake Moondarra in Mt Isa. They hit the rocks at the bottom and die. The pictures were taken by an Ambulance person in the Isa.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cell phone pics i found
I love your site so much I thought I should share some pics I got off a cell phone I found. This chick looks amazing. Keep up the good work with your site. Please withhold info.

Scary how many people find phones with comprimising pics... -Orsm

Travis wrote:
Subject: Random shite or whatever.
Hey, we're big fans of the website! Thought you could use this for your random shite.... keep up the good work! The guy with shirt on is going to jail and would be fucking stoked as hell if he saw this.

And whatever it is! -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wil Anderson "madly aroused and ready to go again"
While searching for some furniture on Gumtree I found this ad, which said "This ad may contain adult content. Click here to view it." Didn't know how it got into a search for "couch", so I clicked on it and is what I found. Would love to know how many potential women went to that web address only to find out they'd been had! No info thanks, cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Don't fall asleep in a club!
What do you do when you come across someone in a club who is so pissed they have fallen asleep in the corner? The same thing any decent Orsm visitor would do of course...

Never ever trust your mates. -Orsm

james wrote:
Subject: for you
hi mr orsm, big fan here, been with you since your priceless/pryceless etc days. anyways was around town last week and saw this , the left hand side has been done to death but the right hand side made me laugh, hopefully you'll like it to. please withhold email address etc
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Richard wrote:
Subject: bachelors' party I guess
Hi ORSM , was driving home with the kids when we saw this , I laughed and then had to try to explain what the nice man was doing with a dolly to my daughter :-) I hope you can use it in your RS or readers email , cheers m8.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: interesting window fix for a van
Hey there, Been a fan of your site for several years now and when a friend sent me this pic of window repair job gone redneck from Sydney Nova Scotia, Canada eh! I thought it raight up your alley.. With hold the info please. Chears

McGyver would be so proud. -Orsm

John wrote:
Subject: Looking for a driver ?
Can you believe this guy, that he would even THINK of doing this? The driver has only been in the U.S. a few months. He had missed his turn by Billings MT. And figured he could go over the hill and continue on the road. Apparently he didn't know there were rail tracks on top of the grade which doesn't matter, he'd be stuck anyhow..... The truck owner figures he had to hit the angle at over 55 miles an hour in order to make the top. If you look close at some of the pictures you will see that it is only when the trailer pinched the rear tires of the truck that the truck stopped...

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Terry wrote:
Subject: When I win the lottery
When I win the lottery I have found the perfect caravan, I'm tired of paying mortgage bills, utility bills, property taxes, (rent!). I want to live more simply, pack up the dog and move into a travel-trailer. I don't mind being called 'trailer trash', but I want to get your opinion. What do you think about my decision?
click for gallery

richard wrote:
Subject: posting ex pics
Hey Mr. ORSM. These two women effed my life - which one was the wife n which the mistress - I'll let the public decide. Can never wait until Thursday as your site gives me a boost for the weekend. Publish my e-mail as I'm getting short of friends

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: And they let morons get Hunting permits
Howdy Orsm. Friend of mine sent me this. Guess a person should really look long and hard before they shoot. To this day I can't figure out how this dumbass thought this was a cow elk.

WTF is it...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Drunk kiwi high diver 9th march 2009
Here are the pics from Python pools yesterday, Courtesy of Minsey. Apparently the 10 Coronas he consumed is insufficient training to attempt a 45 meter jump from the cliff. The fall time is about 3 seconds, Impact speed of well over 100km/h. Impact sound...well sickening. The guy was rendered unconscious on impact, and failed to resurface. It took us about 40 seconds to get to where he landed, then another 30 seconds of searching before he resurfaced face down. The visibility in the water is less than 1/2 meter at the surface, and zero at depths below 1 meter. If he hadn't surfaced on his own buoyancy, we would never of found him. Depth of pool is unknown 15 Meters plus. Breathing was re-established as we towed him to shore, and whilst fairly groggy from the concussion seemed to be ok after regaining consciousness. All he had to say for himself was, "that was awesome". A very Stupid but lucky guy.

OneMan wrote:
Subject: HOUSEWIFE OF THE YEAR NOMINEE! SO GROSS - HOW COULD ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS??
Remember when you last said to a visitor "sorry about the mess, I haven't done my cleaning yet today!" - well, you'll never say it again after seeing this!!! OMG - this is absolutely gross..where did she sit or sleep for that matter ??? This is an actual apartment.. found in Houston after the evacuation for the hurricane. This is NOT hurricane damage.... it was found this way prior to the hurricane. Hard to believe there wasn't a fire with all the cigarettes.

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Alan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dear Mr Orsm. Went racing in Austria a few years ago. Unfortunately I didn't take enough pictures in the garage of our hotel. There was a total of 8 Enzos and a Maserati MC12 Cup car to name the big stuff. Of course many other Feraris and as you can see a new SLR and even a 1950's SLS this being a real one not a coverted 300SL. Being slightly disapointed having to race in a Capri I was treated in Germany to borrow this Ford GT for the whole night. Check out the plate it's the same car as Clarkson had on Top Gear. Please don't tell my Ex ,who I had not seen in years, that it was not pressing family stuff why I had no time that evening but doing 320km/h down the A8. Please transer funds into my usual account and keep my details hush hush
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey man
love ur site, been a big fan 4a few yrs.. n i did promise u a few pix.. here r a few tame ones 4 now =] enjoy please hide my info!

Love ur... body! -Orsm

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

NADIA HILTON
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
That's the way uh-huh uh-huh I Shite it. Check it...

click for gallery

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Judy got married and had thirteen children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She then married Bob had seven more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident twelve years later. Judy again remarried, this time to John. They had five more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

GOT BIG SHIT? WE CAN MOVE IT!
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but tink, from listening to you that you're from Ireland..." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes that I am to be sure!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be"? The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "So am I, to be sure!"

"Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and Behold, it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." 

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let me see. Errrr, I graduated in 1964 to be sure."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight, thousands of miles away from Dublin, Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"? "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

ORSM VIDEO


Okay that's it. Go home. Bed time please. Right after I do this...

- Check out the site archives you will.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Depending where you are the time may actually change... I think daylight saving ends soon...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bake a cake. In the mix will be flour, sugar, butter, cocoa and Ray's semen. That's right - he'll jack off into the mixture. After it's done baking he'll serve up a slice to your whole family, wait until you finish and then show you the video. That's how Ray rolls.

- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not piss on my floor. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.03.19-23.11
You love boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. William Doolittle at your service... AKA Will Do.

I don't even know what to crap on about this week so I'll just start typing and see what comes out. My week... really can't complain. It's been average, normal, standard... except for another trip to the dentist. This time to finish off the root canal I was so apprehensive about. Now all I need are three more visits for a crown and general clean. Not overly worried [read: scared] but somewhat amused that years of avoidance have, or shall I say will, lead to a total six trips in four months. Oh to be a dentist... they must rake in the big ones.

Speaking of - vets must do just as well if not better. About a month I noticed my dogs eyes and her nose was turning slightly pink. Abnormal considering it supposed to be all black so off to the vet we went and she was checked in overnight for a biopsy and x-rays. Few days later we get results back. Whatever it is, it's beyond my vet's scope so the referrals begin. First to an ophthalmologist then dermatologist, another ophthalmologist, another biopsy, blood and urine tests and pretty soon my credit card has taken a severe -and I mean severe- lashing.

The good news however is that my pooch won't lose her sight prematurely and whatever is wrong with her skin is treatable... once they figure out what it is anyway. At the moment they know what it isn't which is apparently good...? Was fucking relieved to hear that... during the first specialist consult so many big words and worst-case scenarios are thrown out [see pic] its impossible not to walk away stressed out. Next visit is tomorrow to get final results and work out where we go from here... my guess is the bank...

Moving on... this week on "don't people have anything better to do?" is what I received in the mail yesterday. First let me preface this by saying if you worship a higher power then that's great - I'm ecstatic to the point of complete and utter inactivity or acknowledgement for you but is there really any need for this? That's all it was - a small envelope, small handwritten card and no sender info or anything else. Seriously who wakes up in the morning and decides that's how they'll spend their day? "Let's see now... I can go have a coffee with friends or play a round of golf... OR jam religion down peoples throats"...

Weekend wrap. As I mentioned above the last week has been rather lacklustre. It began with eating my words from last week's blog. Remember I was crapping on about how this whole financial crisis thing had noticeably quietened retailers to my advantage but Saturgay began with grocery chaos. I haven't seen shit so busy for months and it didn't occur to me until I tried to go through the checkouts. Looking around there were mums and babies just about everywhere. Why? Stimulus is why. The grateful masses out spending free government handouts that they didn't need and didn't earn.

Sunday was like practically every other Sunday in the history of ever except instead of hitting the beach we did a long walk around the neighbourhood. Amazing what you notice when you aren't just zipping by in a car. This excursion came with the realisation that I live in a way shittier suburb that I had initially believed. After that it was wash the car then cruise down the coast with friends to enjoy the warm weather and admire the natives.

And with that let's get a move on with the rest of the update. Yes I know the majority of you wish the entire page was full of my awe inspiring insights, riveting opinions and witty social commentaries but there would always be that 1-2% of people who need the porn and everything else. I do it for them. Check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! They do fast, worldwide delivery, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads. Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

THE Game - Amazing Blondie - Lohan Bounce - Killer Nutshot - Mardi Boobs - Got Skills - Knobslobberer

It's My Birthday! - Hot Cam Babe - Total Hotness - Nasty Old Guy - Bits & Bobs - Wake Up! - Big Sucker

Disgraceful - Car Ball - Overnight Beaver - Brooke Ho-gan - Marisa Miller - Sexy Time - Croc Hunter Medley

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, "GO COLLINGWOOD!"
--
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it's my time to go. The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box of money was still there. "The fool!" she said. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."
--
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

ORSM VIDEO

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.

Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.

The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."

The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.

DANI & ALAURA LEZ IT UP
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A Somalian guy arrives in Perth with his 57 family members as new immigrants. Overjoyed by the free-flowing assistance afforded him by the Australian government he stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian. Thank you for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Lebanese".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you Australian?" She says, "No, I am from New Zealand!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front."

LIGHT GRAFFITI
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter dickhead. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. And all you must do is click here and make it happen.

Raymond wrote:
Subject: Fraudulent video
Hi orsm, I really think your site is orsm and can't wait for Thursday. There is however a video link on the page dated 2009.02.26-23.23 that could cause lots of people to throw away their Digital Converter Boxes for no reason. The link is Paranoia and the content says there are cameras in the converter boxes. This is a hoax (I dissembled my box to find out), There are no cameras in the converters and opening them up to find out will void any warranty on those devices. Just thought your readers might want to know.

Surely this was obvious...? -Orsm

H.J. wrote:
Subject: Re Bear vs Bike
Hi Mr. Orsm. This picture has ben around for a year, first time I saw it was a picture of a Bear hit by a truck near Terrace British Columbia, Canada. As there is a large population of Grizzlies in that area, I tend to believe it was killed in that area. It was reported to weigh 1100 lbs (500 kds) Even that seems a bit high, but it is a very large Bear. I just find it hard to believe that a Harley could hit an animal like that and kill it, however I suppose stranger things have happened. Possible but I really don't think very probable!
Mudblazer wrote:
Subject: A bit of a correction on Grizzly Hit By a Harley
Bill is a complete dumbshit. The bear was actually hit outside of Lincoln, Montana. A logger from said town hit the bear with his Dodge Diesel truck. The bear was prepared by a team of taxidermists and is now on display in the town of Lincoln. Just web search and it shows all the true photos.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Slut Phone Pics
Yo orsm, Found this phone at Big Day Out in Melbourne, it had some pics of this tight little shorty. Chuck em on the site so everyone can have a geez! Don't show my details! Peace!

Dang. -Orsm

Mike wrote:
Subject: Pic for the site?
Hi. Spotted this mag on a vendors stand. I think I've been reading the wrong type of science fiction all these years. (please hide the email address)
click to enlarge

Paul wrote:
Subject: Bored at work
A friend and I got bored working at the pizza joint where we work and had to much dough already taken out.

Bring a whle new meaning to getting something warm inside you. -Orsm

click to enlarge
HKP wrote:
Subject: WAPCE / women are pure concentraded evil
Here is a pic of a friends ex. She sent pics of her sucking another dudes dick. Hell it looks like she is sucking an arm and that might been why she split but she is a bitch either way.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Advertising Slogan
Hey Mate, This is on the side of a truck that was in the Kangaroo Point Maccas Last Week. Please with hold Name. P.S. Keep up the good work
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Orsm been a long time viewer. So I thought i'd add some stuff. Here is some pics of girls I use too fuck. Please keep all details hidden.

Not too bad I must say... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Obama Fingers
Hello ORSM first of all great site check in every week , I am a American living in Germany and the other day the wife and I were shopping and found these interesting "Fingers" and thought we would share it with you. Please keep my info private.
click to enlarge

David wrote:
Subject: spotted
spotted your yacht on my travels in Barcelona recently. you got the spelling wrong?

Everyone wants to be like Mike... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
pics of a girl i met. i wish to remain anonymous

Cute boobs. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: The classic paint job(not)
Hey Mr Orsm, found this car at one of the local Toyota dealerships. It was traded in on a new car(dont know what model). Type of paint :- house , style :- who the fuck knows , rear wing :- made of wood(facing the wrong way) , tyres:- painted blue , previous owner :- kissed and hugged car before leaving it. Please withhold name and email.
click for gallery

Jay wrote:
Subject: Feeding the Eagles
In January the weather was so cold that the bald eagles were cruising over our houses looking for helpless cats to make a quick meal. Some kind souls decided to feed the eagles down at Goose Spit so they would survive the cold spell. Here's what happened!  A former teaching colleague took these photos in front of his home. They are incredible!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
pics of girls i met.. hide my info please

Redheads make me drool. -Orsm

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matt wrote:
Subject: hernia surgery update
i sent you some pics a few weeks ago of my brothers hernia surgery gone wrong. here are some follow up pics. he is doing much better but he will have one hell of a scar! thanks! matt from detroit

Please thank your bro for my nitemares. -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl pics
Long time reader, first time submission, this is my hottie , I have more to come and some vids as well. hide info please.
click for gallery

Mark wrote:
Subject: What Does One TRILLION Dollars Look Like?
Cop this! All this talk about "stimulus packages" and "bailouts"... One TRILLION dollars... What does that look like? I mean, these various numbers are tossed around like so many doggie treats, so I thought I'd take Google Sketchup out for a test drive and try to get a sense of what exactly a trillion dollars looks like.

click for gallery

Dubs wrote:
Subject: singapore harbor
Apparently not enough cargo to keep the ships going.

Absolutely amazing. -Orsm

click for gallery

David wrote:
Subject: it's not only squirrels that get the nuts
A possum in my brother's backyard in Brissy. Check the size what he's packing!

I almost have penis envy seeing that. -Orsm

click for gallery

Victor wrote:
Subject: Portuguese Drunk
hey orsm, been a fan since the "priceless" days. Here's a vid a couple of guys caught here in Portugal.

Happens to the best of us... -Orsm

click to watch video
c&k wrote:
Subject: 911 call Vernon B.C. Canada
Thought you might like this! This is an actual 911 call! Dude is seriously f'd up! Withhold my address if you could. Love your site by the way!! Keep it up!
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue. Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and a mucous-like consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus what the fuck do you call that?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

BEACH BUTTS
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists - three men.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... you must kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the third man's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" he said. "So I had to beat her to death with the chair."

RANDOM SHITE
Hot diggity - check my shiggity...!!

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A notorious womaniser left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch. The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?" "We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" "I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."  "I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"  "There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man. "No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

JESSICA LYNN
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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

ORSM VIDEO

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love Celine Dion. Could you please play her latest CD for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.

He then turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?""Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

WHAT LURKS BENEATH
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That's it dudes. Murder she wrote. Oh except for...

- Check out the site archives. There's a reason you can't get them out of your mind...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Or so I've heard...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will steal your stimulus payment and spend it on important things for he and I... like a huge bender.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fight the good fright. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.03.12-23.17
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Get over here, Houdini!

Good evening bro's and ladies. Hard to believe it's been a whole week since last we met. Less harder to believe I'll have to force myself not to start next week's update with that same line. How the bloody hell are you bastards anyway? Me... perky, upbeat and ready for action... or at least that's the way I would describe myself if I weren't quite so tired. Wednesday's and Thursdays pretty much destroy me and are most likely stripping years off my life [that and smoking] but alas, I'm in this for the glory so let's consider it rationalised.

A few weeks back I asked you guys to vote for my mate in the Cosmo Hottest Bartender competition. The contest has now come and gone and unfortunately Brett only managed runner-up. Okay... cool... fair enough... whatever... but it's since been revealed the comp was rigged. He actually won, had the best cocktail blah blah but Cosmo decided they wanted one of the other contestants as their poster boy and fudged the results accordingly. I suppose it's their comp and they can do what they want but still a pretty shitty thing to do. Cosmo, enjoy your subpar winner. For anyone interested you can see Brett in action at the Universal Bar. Tell him Orsm sent you and that he owes you free drinks for voting...

Moving on... this whole recession thing we're suffering through seems to have its benefits. Positive from every negative right...? I set out Saturday to find some cheap and nasty cushions or covers or whatever for my outdoor setting. Just so you don't think I'm a giant fag it's not about being a good little homemaker - every time you sit the shitty old timber leaches brown onto your ass making it look like you have a leakage problem which I [sincerely hope I] don't.

Anyway I didn't have a destination in mind, just went place to place hoping to find something suitable. The first thing you notice is that all the shops are comparatively devoid of customers... and by that I mean compared to say a year ago before the mining boom that would never end had ended. Walk in now and sales staff rush you from every angle. Waiting forever to be served is now a pleasant "How can I help you today?". What a turn around and funnily enough all the things that drove me to shop online such as hideous traffic, no parking and annoyingly long waits for assistance have now miraculously reversed.

Oh for the record I didn't find what I wanted... except that I did, however there is no reality whereby I would part with $80 for a single cushion. I'll stick with throwing a towel over the seat.

This week I take another run at best fucking update ever title. I've jammed so much into this bitch that she has stretch marks. You guys may be happy to know that the pipe for the video server has been doubled so any streaming issues on busy days SHOULD be a thing of the past. Also the actual player for the clips has also been overhauled so there SHOULD be better compatibility for most people. If you experience any problems please let me know! Anyway... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Too Addictive - Mega Hot Blonde - Pinky Booty - Fingering - Interns - Lady In Red - Love Pigtails - Fat Yanks

Britney's Pussy - Rihanna Wow - Vegas Beast - No Respect! - Girl it's Alright - Fernanda Ferrari - Shamwow!

Superhero Babes - Tastiest Teen - Angry Camels - Best Action - French Titties - Nunchuck Nuts - Casual Fridays

Mick and Darrel were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Mick, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches", and walked away. Darrel shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
--
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
--
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! For emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

ORSM VIDEO

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Obviously she was devastated and extremely angry. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me!? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight."

"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste."

"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

ADDISON ROSE
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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave, even reindeers" asses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe;  it's minus 40 degrees, and my job is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

BEACH BOOBS
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THE STIMULUS EXPLAINED

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

That weekend the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket.

Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough however, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student started to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations! You now understand the stimulus bill."

I WANT PIZZA... LOTS OF PIZZA...
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter dickhead. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. And all you must do is click here and make it happen.

gill wrote:
Subject: Re: Song from 'Many a nice pair' video
First off. Love the site. Second. The first song from the "Many a nice pair" video is Lifestyle from Daniel Tashian. Here's the link for the MP3s of his stuff from his site.

Wilton wrote:
Subject: Dance of the whore
Hello, Orsm, I'm a great fan of your site and have even made some contributions sporadically. In the last update the Dance of the whore video got me laughing all the way. Really funny. I thought many folks don't know what's going on. So I decided to shed some light on the subject. If I'm not mistaken, the tune is the Angolan genre kuduro. As you know Angola is a Portuguese-speaking country. Kuduro derives from "cu duro", meaning literally "hard asshole" or better, "tight asshole". You probably noticed the girls contracting their sphincters to the beat of the song. It seems appropriate for Orsm.net, don't you think?

<with held> wrote:
Subject: cool number plate
driving with a mate last week and saw this car next to us at the lights... its a pearler!

Brilliant. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The C & K are silent...yeah, right!
This Doc was born to be in this speciality field of medicine! As usual, keep personal info off blah blah blah. Cheers.
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Shane wrote:
Subject: PLEASE READ EMAIL FIRST!
If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances. Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen. See the photo attached....
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Anakin Doo wrote:
Subject: Pissed off Wife from Craigs List
Love your site for the past 3 years.  Never submitted anything, but just love the site. Here is something I found funny as hell............

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CJ wrote:
Subject: What type of bow is this?
G'day Orsm, See below - this is the sort of quiz that your readers like to ponder. Question; What sort of bow is this ? Answer; Who gives a shit?

Pretty sure thiese boobs have been posted before but well worth a re-run. -Orsm

Peggy wrote:
Subject: My Rezimay?
Deer Sur, I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the? paper. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar. Sinseerly, Peggy May McBiggins.. PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May, Start on Monday, we have spell check.

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John wrote:
Subject: Talk About Luck!
I wanted to send a picture of me and my beautiful bride. This has been a crazy last few days! First i win 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then find the love of my life just 2 days later. Then off to Vegas to get married. Can you believe it? Talk about LUCK!!!!

Some people have all the luck... -Orsm

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Chris wrote:
Subject: Paradise...
Hi Mr. ORSM, been loving your site weekly for years, never sent anything, always wanted to, so here goes. Pics of my girl on the beach where I live. I bought her a stunning bikini, the closest thing to going naked I've ever seen! Not sure if I can advocate but any man with a hot girl deserves to see her in one of the bikinis at ALS Bikinis (alsbikinis.com) I Regard myself as a very lucky man... Enjoy & keep up the fantastic entertainment!
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Ross wrote:
Subject: The biggest haul of genuine GT's on earth.
Attached are pics of some GTs that were found in a shed behind a pub in South Africa. These are GENUINE GTs however the GTs that were made for South Africa were badged as Fairmont GTs. In some of the pics you'll also see what looks like a HT Monaro. This has the same body, interior, etc as the Australian Monaro with a few minor differences and was badged as a Chevy SS. Did you notice the 2 piece bumper and the stripes over the roof? These are true pics as well, not just some random email going around.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Trudy
Here's a few pix of a 44 year old married woman in NZ that enjoys showing herself off on a dating site. Most aren't to bad. Thought she just might like a little more exposure.

Pretty damn hot for 44. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Grizzly Hit By A Harley
Can you believe a motor Cycle killed this HUGE GRIZZLY. This grizzly was hit by a Harley on Lolo Pass. This is the pass between Lolo, MT and Kooskia, ID. Look at the claws on that sucker! The biker made it thru three days in the hospital! The hog's a wreck! Lesson learned: Don't go Bear Hunting with a Harley, they don't last but one hunt!!!!!!!!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ride 'em cowboy
Howdy ya'll. Two teenage boys decided they wanted to ride and oil well pumper in Oklahoma City last week. BAD IDEA! Reports were they had to scale an eight foot fence and turn the unit on before attempting the ride. Hide my info. Don't want the boss knowing I'm on your site every week.
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Noddy wrote:
Subject: Accident at Theresa Creek
For all you other Firey's, imagine getting called out to this. Not much of the cab left!! Many thanks.

Nothing a wash and a bit of touch up wont fix though.

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Al G wrote:
Subject: awesome pics.
Hellooooo ORSM,   here are some pics. of cloud formation's over Mt. Rainier,  Seattle Washington.  When we are in for a change of weather and condition's are right,  you will see these kind's of clouds. KEEP IT UP...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: my gift to Orsm
Gday Orsm, here are some pics of the crazy married women i use to bang on the side a couple of years ago. Get this, she gets her husband to take naughty photos of her and she sends them to me. Out of control hey? Enjoy, and hide my details
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Humor
even some architects have a sense of humor
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Gift to Orsm #2
G'day Orsm, recently you featured a short video of my X gobbling my log. Here is part 2 of that encounter. Enjoy! PS : Cracking arse that girl has, as you will see. Hide my details
click to watch video
Andy wrote:
Subject: vid for you!
Yo, Been checking the site every time for the last 3 years i think... even back when i had dial up! Its great! When i was at uni last year i found some dudes phone... this vid was on it... needless to say before i gave it back to him i robbed the video and... well... enjoy!
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

PUMA SWEDE
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RANDOM SHITE
Delicious and delightful, engrossing and entertaining. Well you can forget all that. This is RS. You get what you're given and you'll fucking LOVE it. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

CRAIG'S SIGNS
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A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me!" she said "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

ORSM VIDEO


And done. Well not quite...

- Check out the site archives. They are preferable to the site bee-hives. BOOM! TSSSSH...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Or won't it!?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will remove your microwave tray, drop a deuce on to said tray, reinsert tray and set to cook for 30 minutes on high.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't shoot up your school. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.03.05-23.46
Work it baby!

Welcome to Orsm.net. Fuck happens.

Hello to you and hello to March... or as I like to call it - autumn. There's few things I enjoy more than getting on here and bitching about how fucking hot it's been but this year we got robbed. By now I should be rejoicing that some cooler weather is on the way but I'm feeling slightly gypped with what can loosely be described as summer.

The extreme temperatures eastern Oz copped may as well have been a world away because anything resembling a big, fat, nasty, sticky, intolerable summer just didn't happen. Don't get me wrong - we got a few hot days, a few excruciating patches but for the most part they were short lived and summer was just 'nice'... 'pleasant'... 'more than tolerable'.

Admittedly, living in a house where air-conditioners outnumber humans 7:1 probably has something to do with it but part of me misses those tortuous nights as a kid, back in the days before air-conditioning was something only rich people had, and sleeping was impossible. Again, that came down to house factor - my god forsaken bedroom was upstairs facing due west. In other words - the roasting afternoon sun turned my room into an oven just in time for bed every night. Actually fuck that... I don't miss that shit at all...

Moving on... executive salaries - I don't get it. Okay yep it's completely shit how workers at the lower end are losing their jobs while the top dudes are getting paid squillions but they can't all possibly be undeserving morons can they...? Smart, skilled people who work in high pressure jobs with massive responsibility making tough decisions. That's about what it boils down to. Why the fuck would they roll up to the office everyday just to earn the same as the guy sweeping the floor. If they couldn't do the hard stuff they wouldn't be earning the big bucks. No doubt this is probably the most generalised, simplistic way to look at it but please someone tell me what I'm missing?

Okay onto the weekend wrap... uneventful and hardly blog-worth one that it was. Labour Day long weekend [whatever that means] and could not have been better timed. With several jam packed weeks behind me it was a good chance to take some me time and relax... do my own thing ONLY.

Saturday... groceries, came home and bummed around the house. Sunday... washed the car and bummed around the house. Perfect. Managed to squeeze Slum Dog Millionaire in there too - good, original, bit over-hyped, needed more nude.

Monday was polar opposites. Anything I may have missed Sat and Sun got crammed into Mon so all good. After some dicking around in the morning we did a dim sum lunch thing. From there it was fix a computer, down the coast for a cruise, off to a staff party bowling thing, home to walk the dog then a friend's place for Underbelly. Incidentally, who else just isn't buying UB this season? I'll stop short of saying crap but take away that hot blondie with the perky boobs and there isn't much left...

Orright. Enough of that cyber-dribbling and time to get busy with the good stuff. I made a fucking huge mess of my files whilst doing backups this week so it took some serious hours with the scissors and glue to get this puppy stuck together. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't like it then a jihad on your family. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Party Down - Unseen Hero - Dirty Dancer - Tit's N Ass - Sexy Teen - Horatio 1-Liners - Gay Robot - Pranked

Huuuge Boobs - Miranda Kerr - Sweet Brictoria - Star Wars High - Seduction - Alternate BTTF - Lil Laura

SpiderFag - Big Naturals - Freaky - What A Cunt - Webcam Fail - Cry Baby - Talk To Animals - Badonkadonk

Police in Lahore have just finished counting the bullets fired in Tuesdays shooting. The final result... 7 for 366.
--
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
--
Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be fucking stupid! I'll suffocate!"
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Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. "It's me or the magazines," Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it."

ORSM VIDEO

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers againstemployees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last year at a Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story. I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations… you never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand … to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can believe in. So where am I going with all this?

It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem anymore.

Signed, Your Boss

I JUST WANT TO EAT: DANI WOODWARD
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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem… It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

MATERNITY & MOTHERHOOD

FIRST BABY: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
SECOND BABY: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
THIRD BABY: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH
FIRST BABY: You practice your breathing religiously.
SECOND BABY: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
THIRD BABY: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month

THE BABY CLOTHES
FIRST BABY: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and  fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
SECOND BABY: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
THIRD BABY: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES
FIRST BABY: At the first sign of distress -a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
SECOND BABY: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
THIRD BABY: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing

DUMMIES
FIRST BABY: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
SECOND BABY: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
THIRD BABY: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

NAPPY CHANGING
FIRST BABY: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
SECOND BABY: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
THIRD BABY: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

ACTIVITIES
FIRST BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
SECOND BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
THIRD BABY: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

GOING OUT
FIRST BABY: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
SECOND BABY: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
THIRD BABY: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

AT HOME
FIRST BABY: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
SECOND BABY: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
THIRD BABY: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

SWALLOWING COINS
FIRST CHILD: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
SECOND CHILD: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
THIRD CHILD: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

TOILET HUMOUR...
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter dickhead. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. And all you must do is click here and make it happen.

David wrote:
Subject: Facebook Dildo Aberdeen Guy
You want to know the story? Pull up a pew. Dildo boy was in Tenerife on his summer hols. He got tight with a couple of guys that came from the same area as he did. Much beer and aftershock was consumed. The two mates chucked him in the pool. He broke an ankle or two. The next day, he had the mates expelled fro the hotel. The two guys, pissed and pissed off, hatched a plan to get even. Emma was invented and after much flirting, the dude headed north. A few details may not be exact, but you get the thrust of it. . . . . . . . .

Tyler wrote:
Subject: Song from 'Many a nice pair' video
ORSM! The first song on the "Many a Nice pair" video (2/24 update) I can't figure out where it's from or who sings it. It's like google hasn't ever heard of it. I know it's using an old song as the background in the chorus but I can't figure that one out either It's *killing me!* Please help!

I looked for aaages and got nothing. Anyone? Email me. -Orsm

thomas wrote:
Subject: craigslist.org
Mr Orsm..... as always your site is the fucking bomb. While I was bored, I decided to see what kind of winners there are in my home town advertising themselves for romantic encounters, when I cam across this peach of a guy. I think Mother Nature should pay special attention to him and just erase him from the gene pool so he cant contaminate the rest of the world. And many Americans wonder why people from other nations think we are disgusting. This guy sure isnt helping us.

Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: You say you'd like a boat?
How the other half lives. What selling lots of coffee will get you! This is the new yacht that Ron Joyce (owner of Tim Horton 's Coffee) just bought. Think about this the next time you have a Tim Horton 's coffee.

Steven wrote:
Subject: Australia new One Day uniform
Australia unveil new One Day uniform for next world cup on the sub-continent

click to enlarge
Christopher wrote:
Subject: Sup Orsm!
Yo so broke up with this chick after two years and now she seems to be goin after one of my friends so I figure someone wants to see her tits! Check these 19 year old bags out... Sorry for the shitty pic but it was on a phone camera. Keep the good shit a' commin!
click to enlarge

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Missing the facts...
Somebody should have a word with this mum.

Missed the point... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brendan wrote:
Subject: Two dudes at the recent Big Day Out in Melbourne
Hey man, just a pic of 2 dudes I happened to see at the Big Day Out in Melbourne recently, the front of each t-shirt said something like 'Have you seen my mate Steve?' and 'Have you seen my mate Justin?' A contender for Random Shit maybe?
click to enlarge
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tobias wrote:
Subject: greetz from germany, enjoy this crapbike and our application
g'day orsm mate ! i hope you are doing fine and enjoying summer over there. it's freaking cold and rainy here in germany! winter sometimes makes me feel like shit and your site is like a warm ray of sunshine. anyway i want to contribute two things... 1. i was walking down the streets of the eastern part of berlin and stumbled across this "dirtbike" stupid guy that let pidgeons shit on his bike. i guess it has not been moved for a while. enjoy the attached pics ;) 2. the island reef job thing was all over the media in germany and everybody was going crazy. me and my friend did this video just for fun and hope someone might enjoy...anyway...there might be a small chance for us to get to the reef. take a look and please don't mind the crappy quality!

xitz wrote:
Subject: more dangerous than a virus
Don't... under ANY circumstances allow your Girlfriend, Wife, Lady friend ... (or indeed any woman) ever ever drink coffee again. Pass this on to ensure this phenomen does not effect the women of the world BAN COFFEE.

click to enlarge
Robb wrote:
Subject: lol @ Webfiltering
I was trying to read an article about the Gov'ts proposed webfiltering on SMH and this is what I hit when I clicked through - the bastards have started already! lol Cheers.
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Jake Jackson wrote:
Subject: my ex
this is my ex , she was my best friends aunt we dated for about 5 months , no longer friends with either . So just to get back at her , POST MY INFO , later days
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xitz wrote:
Subject: A SIGHT TO BEHOLD -- ONCE IN A LIFETIME
Probably won't see this one again anytime soon! When they took the plane out of the Hudson they ended up having to detour through East Rutherford NJ. These roads were not made for planes.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Horny GF nudes
I tapped her ass like nobody's business for several months . Multiple orgasms !!! P.S: Hide my details < with-held sender > Thanks man.
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Love and Sorrow
Love and Sorrow...Felt By All God's Creatures.

Awwww... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: so here's what happened
Ok so I'm driving around delivering pizza, 2 days after a fairly vicious ice storm when I happen upon this gas station. Not only that, but some poor jerk's piece of crap pontiac! I felt it absolutely necessary to share them. Feel free to distribute, withhold my info.
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Doug wrote:
Subject: pictures of a fun weekend with the girls
Here is a few pictures from last weekend with my girlfriend and her friend. I have enjoyed your site for a couple of years now and would like to share these pictures with you. We look forward to your updates every week. Keep up the great work!
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Bobby wrote:
Subject: Norwegian Prison
hey say life in prison is tough. Well, not in every prison. Take a look at this one in Norway. I guess this is the kind of prison where you don't have to think about how to avoid getting anally raped every night.
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Tofie wrote:
Subject: shame!!!
Poor ol Zimbabwe

Amazing. And Maniac Mugabe drops US$250k on his birthday party. -Orsm

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Iain wrote:
Subject: Bike
Hey Orsm, thought you'd love this. Fully sick. Read the description and Q +A at the bottom...its gold

The kid has a bright future in sales. -Orsm

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Noddy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
CAT Cruiser. Many thanks.

But why...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing: Video call snapshot
something to your kick ass site. These are pics of some chick from spain that like having phone sex. Like always withhold my info.
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Jesse wrote:
Subject: hey, you wanna laugh
My wife spotted this and started to record with her phone. Hope you can use it. Site is orsm man.
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: PM Out
An open letter to 10 Downing Street. A few odd spellings, but the points and facts seem to be about right...
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John wrote:
Subject: Vehicle Barrier Test
How many times have you wondered how strong those cement barriers were that you see in front of military base entrances???? Read below and then view the video clip attachment. From time to time, someone asks what the concrete barriers are in front of controlled and secure buildings. In this test, the following parameters were used: Read them and then watch the clip. Truck = 65,000 lbs. Speed = 50 mph Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft.lbs. Stopped in 24 INCHES!!!
click to watch video

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ORSM VIDEO

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy!" Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jasus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin" way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin" pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub."

A HAVANA HAMMERING
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

- CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 
- HAMBURGER: $2.25 
- CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 
- HAND JOB: $50.00   

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "How can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good honey because I want a cheeseburger."

RANDOM SHITE
Shite is the fruit of the internets. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There's shite -kabobs, shite creole, shite gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shite, lemon shite coconut shite, pepper shite, shite soup, shite stew, shite salad, shite and potatoes, shite burgers, shite sandwich. That's about it. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.  A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.  Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators.

THE ART OF DESIGN
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head..."

ORSM VIDEO

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of fresh bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

ICE HOTEL SWEDEN
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And that dudes is the very, very, very end of the update... the very end except for this bit of course...

- Check out the site archives. I command thee!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Thursday will be the next update. Thursday update next will be.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send a squad to attack your bus...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems, take a deep breath and just try to chelax okay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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