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March 2016...
orsmupdate 2016.03.31-18.26

Welcome to the laaand of chocolate.

Feeling properly fatified after that weekend. We agreed that at the end of Easter Sunday, ALL leftover chocolate would be removed from the house. Didn't quite go to plan because no sensible person would throw away peanut M&M's. It's ludicrous to suggest otherwise. Shit didn't exactly stop there though - the whole weekend was a litany of food inhaling exercises masquerading as social events. Obviously eating is and was optional but surely there are ways to gather and enjoy each other's company which don't involve food?



Good Friday. Fucking magic - slept in really late, breakfast in bed, then watched a film before leisurely dragging myself out to spend the day doing exactly as I pleased. Just kidding. The problem with toddler ownership is that when they decide waking up at stupid o'clock will be fun, it's someone else's problem. My day started at 5am, involved amongst other things, wiping up discarded breakfast foods from the floor and a tedious amount of Peppa Pig. Fuck you so much Peppa!

We left the house late morning for a family lunch. Pretty low key and relaxed. Stuck to the whole no red meat thing and feasted on fish and chips whilst abstaining from anything alcoholic. I'm not even religious so God knows why we bother obeying these traditions. Anyway, we made it home mid-afternoon where it was time to saddle up for another round of neighbour's home network project. That night, mother dearest over for... fish and chips.

Saturday was perfectly wet and rainy without being cold. Couldn't have asked for better but it did kill any hopes of exercising away Good Friday's deep-fried onslaught. Went instead to track down required network cables at electronics and hardware stores. Next was to do the grocery shopping. This is where Easter weekend excels - everywhere is quiet. You can move around roads and shops without encountering traffic or the masses. People are either out of town or still in bed and its better than almost anything you can imagine, more or less.

I turned attention later back to the home network proj and managed to get it working and completely finished. There's much satisfaction in having designed and built from scratch. I figured out what hardware was needed, ordered online or bought locally, ran cables through the house, in ceilings, down wall cavities, connected wall plates then configured the access points, router, switch and all devices. It -should- work for many years without any of the users having to even think about it. If not, I have no doubt my phone will be relentlessly bombarded until it's fixed.

That night was dinner with mates who share a house. Not gay, apparently, but red fucking meat thankfully and a good time had by all. Then watched the latest Star Wars again which brings the total to 2. Still a far cry from the countless viewings of the original trilogy so most likely going to be a few more in years to come.

Another early start Sunday and another family get together. This one half Easter/half birthday breakfast. Highlight was probably the Easter egg hunt... nice to watch the kids run around the garden collecting chocolate left by a magical bunny. Also fun to watch the parents try and bargain afterward: "You can have one more egg now and more later" while a sugar rush is coming on. #meltdown

From there we returned to the homestead to get organised for, I hate to say it, yet another family lunch. Was just happy it didn't involve my side of the fam. We cooked a barbecue, ate some stuff and did, I hate to say it, another Easter egg hunt. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you tell aunties not to buy too much chocolate, they'll do it anyway because "it's cute to watch them find the eggs". Yep it was cute and a massive basket of sugary badness subsequently went out in the garbage.

Alright enough. Let's do dis. Check it...

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Darwin AwardMan Blows Leg Off After Shooting Lawnmower Filled With Explosive - 20yo TitsNeelam Gill Caught Changing Topless On A Beach Shoot - NYC NakedBonnie Rotten Topless In New York – Uncensored! - Cunt ModeMMA Fighter Tony Cojocaru Is An Asshole. Here he is beating the bejesus out of a 17 year old. Take some more roids, Tony! - Carmella RoseCarmella Rose Is An Instagram Model Who Is Only Too Happy To Get Naked Poolside For Our Ogling Pleasure... - Public BJWell That's One Way To Make The Morning Commute A Little More Fun! German Girl Sucks Off Her Bf In A Public Bus. - FB BreakupsHere Are Some Examples Of Just How Bad Breakups Can Get On Facebook - Do. Not. Eat.They Actually Eat This Thing Alive!... Wtf!!! - Hidden SexcamWhat This Motel Owner Does Is Illegal

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Paddy says to Mick "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow". Mick says "I had that done when I was a few days old". Paddy asks "Did it Hurt?" Mick says "Well I couldn't walk for 18 months..."
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see what was wrong with her. When he looked in his mother's room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying "I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike!"
What do you call a black man in a tent? Criminal intent.
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. ''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'' ''He's happy now" says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right" he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said "Honey, I really need to tell you something". Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father". "Don't worry about it" Jake said "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"


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Up until today you probably thought eating disorders were limited to the ones we often hear about - anorexia, binge eating and the like. That means you've probably never heard of Pica which is the consumption of substances that provide zero nutritional benefit. Pica can get pretty fucking crazy. Check it...

CAUTOPYREIOPHAGIA: is the unusual behaviour of eating burnt match heads. It's believed it could also be a sign of certain mineral deficiencies.

GOOBERPHAGIA: is known as a pathological consumption of peanuts.

TRICHOPHAGIA: is the compulsive desire to eat hair. It does not provide any nutrition but can remain in your stomach for months or even years.

BIBLIOPHAGIA: is the consumption of books by eating the pages. There is no evidence this disorder makes people smarter.

AMYLOPHAGIA: is the compulsive consumption of purified starch in excessive amounts. It is most commonly seen among pregnant women.

EMETOPHAGIA: is the ingesting or swallowing vomit.

UROPHAGIA: is the consumption of your own piss. Pee is generally pretty safe to drink however there are risks including bacterial contamination and the fact you're drinking something your body has excluded; stuff it doesn't need.

PAGOPHAGIA: is an eating disorder where the person consumes excessive amounts of ice cubes or iced drinks. This condition is associated with an iron deficiency.

GEOMELOPHAGIA: is the name for ingestion or chewing and swallowing of raw potatoes.

ORTHOREXIA: is the obsession with eating healthy foods. This might not seem like a disturbing eating habit but being too cautious around food can be tough on your body.

GEOPHAGY: is an abnormal craving for soil-like or earthy substances clay, chalk, soil etc. It is common among children and pregnant women.

HYALOPHAGIA: is the swallowing of glass such as from windows and bottles.

ANTHROPOPHAGY: is the less scary word for cannibalism... the consumption of human flesh.

HYPERKALEMIA: is an eating disorder resulting from a desire for improper food which results in a higher than normal concentrations of potassium in the circulating blood. Hyperkalemia can cause lethal cardiac arrhythmia.

MUCOPHAGIA: is a strange disorder of feeding on the mucus of the invertebrates and fishes.

LITHOPHAGIA: is the ingestion of stones or rocks.

AUTOSARCOPHAGY: takes cannibalism to another level altogether. Popularly referred to as self-cannibalism, under this condition a person wilfully eats parts of their own body and many who like doing this have claimed to achieve a weird satisfaction.

XYLOPHAGIA: is an eating disorder revolving around the consumption of wood. People usually eat things made of wood like pencils, paper, tree bark etc. It is mostly seen among children.

PLUMBOPHAGIA: is a psychological disorder where someone has the urge to consume lead such as flakes of lead-based paint.

COPROPHAGIA: is the very messed up psychological disorder whereby sufferers choose to eat shit. Whilst common in animals, it is rarely seen in humans.

CONIOPHAGIA: is a bizarre disorder involving the consumption of dust.

HEMATOPHAGY: is the ingestion or an abnormal drinking of blood.


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After about his seventh or eighth drink, the bum looks up from his glass on the bar and sees a horse standing next to him. This would have struck him as odd, save for the fact that he was too drunk to notice anything out of the ordinary. "Hey" he said to the bartender "There's a horse standing next to me".

"I know" replied the bartender, wiping a glass. "That horse comes in here all the time and you know, once, just once, I'd like to see him show some kind of expression". The bum looked at the horse's face. A better poker player could not exist on this Earth. "Uh huh".

"Tell ya what" the bartender suggested "I'll give you a free round of drinks if you can make him laugh". The bum thought for a second or two, then said "Sure". He took the horse by the reins and led him into the men's bathroom. A moment later, he and the horse came out again, and the horse was laughing uproariously. Stunned, the bartender poured the bum's free round of drinks without taking his eyes off the animal.

"That was AMAZING!" he told the bum as he finished off his last drink. "I'll give you another free round of drinks if you can make him cry!" Smiling, the bum said "All right" and once again led the horse into the men's room.

When they came out a minute later, the horse was wallowing in tears. Shaking his head and rubbing his disbelieving eyes, the bartender poured the bum his second round of drinks. "You've gotta tell me" he said as the bum finished his first new glass "HOW on EARTH did you get that horse to laugh and cry?"

"Well" said the bum, clearing his throat with pride "First I told him that my dick was longer than his... and then I proved it".


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Sam and John were out cutting wood when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours". So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub". Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again when John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours". Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field". Sam went to the soccer field and sure enough there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours".

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said "I'm sorry, John died". Sam said "I understand - heads are tough". The surgeon said "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"


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A ventriloquist was driving through the farm country when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied "Yep". The ventriloquist asked "Can he talk?" The farmer said "Nope".

The ventriloquist then said to the horse "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats". Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied "Yep". He then asked "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied "I... I don't think so". The ventriloquist asked the cow "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me". Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied "Yep". He then asked "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed "Yes, but they lie!"

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Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"

"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman. "Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet".

The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.

"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew. The Scotsman says "Och, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there for a dime!"

UNSHAVEd pussies are fucking hottttttt

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A man walks into the local ice cream parlour and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant "we're all out of chocolate ice cream". "In that case" says the man "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate". "I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"Okay in that case" says the man "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate". "Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?" "Van" he replies "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?" "Straw" he answers "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant. "Wait a minute" says the man "there's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you now get out of my store!"


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A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:


After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the doorbell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover". "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!" "I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said.

"What about being a good lover?" she asked. He responded "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"


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John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realises that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.

Amazed, he speeds up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE legs.

He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.

He says to the farmer "THREE-legged chickens? That's astounding!" The Farmer replies "Yep, I bred 'em that way - I love drumsticks". John: "Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?" Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet".


Alright boys and girls, small children that's it from me but, for your own sake, please read on...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I've been extremely busy fixing errors and broken links so they're actually getting better!
-Next update will be next Thursday, birthday of Filipino actor, Richard Gomez.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will go on a years-long eating binge, put on a huge amount of weight... and then sit on you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop trying to imagine what I look like. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.03.17-20.22

Welcome to I hate you all especially shemales.

Let's just get straight into the part where I write some words about what's been going on around here. No promises for readability are inferred until after you get past this bloggy bit. Everything after that is obviously gold and shouldn't be missed.





I set just two tasks for my Saturday. 1) Install a garage TV 2) Hang some prints. The first came about because we had an old, unused plasma 'screen' lying around. So old that it doesn't have a tuner built in... or speakers... so old there's no HDMI or other modern ways to connect it to anything. It's basically just an oversized, antiquated, yet perfectly functioning computer monitor that I couldn't give away. So what to do? Wall mount the fucker in the garage with a media streamer attached of course. This little project started back in Jan and got sidelined whilst I tracked down the required cable on eBay. Once that arrived it was simply a matter of plugging it in... then realising I'd need another cable for audio. Next was a cramped and sweaty search for speakers through the boxes stored in the loft I built. As predicted, the loft is a convenient dumping ground for stuff. 'Stuff' is mostly unmarked so if someone wants something, *I* have to get up there and find it. Anyway the speakers... I saved them from an old computer because one day I'd do a project like this! Of course they were nowhere to be found so I bought more... a move that'll ensure the old ones turn up soon. Several hours of tinkering later, it was up and running. Satisfaction. 42 inches of network connected coolness that has no practical purpose nor will get any use but at least if someone asks "How did you know when you'd finally made it?" I can humbly point to my garage TV...

Next up was some prints the GF brought home from somewhere. They're girly and "were only like... about $50". Girls, we know when you say something was cheap, that means it was expensive. There were three prints, all different sizes and had to go on a wall next to each other. The problem was they are in part of the house I walk past frequently and it would annoy the living fuck out of me if they aren't lined up in a symmetrical, aesthetically pleasing way. It's an OCD-esque problem. Ask the Googles and find a crapload of websites which explain how to align paintings in every possible situation. There's a surprisingly interesting science to it all and after reading up, taking measurements, making scale drawings, and drilling the hooks, they were up. It was worth the effort because the symmetry is somehow deeply satisfying and the even more surprising outcome is I actually love them.

Moving on. Can't quite figure out what I did to upset her but it's either everything or nothing at all. It's the sort of incoherent rambling you can't just make up. It's from actual crazy. Add to that, what you're about to read was spread across the subject line of two emails. The email body only contained her mobile phone number which made finding her on FB that much easier. Strangely, for a chick that's so deeply insane she's not unattractive but she'd obviously look way better sucking a fat dick. Lena, please send nudes. We can tell you're the full bush vagina type but that's okay. Here's the email...

Lena Franklin wrote: Empower women nah expolit them objectify and disgust women and normal men. All of you grow a brain of good moral intent and stop being creeps all of you porn is not ever cool fun or sexy. Wake up to real life reality and stop telling anyone what to do for money etc. PS we all have the same parts so have some modesty and never exploit or be exploited again. Men mostly watching the retarded girl dolls splitting their anus in two. Yes that's healthy. Good bye and I wish you no luck ever. PS thanking you for destroying relationship trust on all levels. Women nor men are meat machines to fuck with car engines. You are all emotionally backward and spiritually dead. Just get a gun and end it now all of you participants included. Oh mum you looked so amazing getting fisted by 3 fake lesbians who actually need money for brain lessons or crack. I hate you all especially shemales. Cut it off or cut off the boobs make a choice you freaks. Yes I am sickened by all porn as it is not caring. It is from a money making desperate to be noticed retarded men and women and OK school girls are peadophila. Get it. You aren't 15 anymore males. Grow up. You are creepy sickos.15 year olds listen to the teachers. Learn stuff or you may be kidnapped and raped for years. Oh but wait you will be famous when you escape. NOT. Be responsible for yourselves. And fucks sake put some clothes on I'm sick of the ramming fake black genitaila you all keep shoving so graceful into various holes. It looks

And with that my words here are done. On with the update. Check it...

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$1000 SteakThe World's Most Expensive Steak Is Aged 400 Days- Be Afraid!Behold The Terrifying Horror Of A South American Spider The Size Of A Puppy Dog - Well Fuck MePharma Bro Martin Shkreli Explains Himself - Real ManBe A 'Real Man' And Help Fight Blood Cancer By Becoming A Stem Cell Donor – #MarchOfTheMen - TittygramTittygram Is The Messaging Service You Didn't Know You Needed - Wait. What?Photos You Need To Look Twice At--60 Images Of People That Totally Defy All The Rules Of Nature - Too Far BROMorning News Host Takes A Joke Just One Line Too Fa - TerrifyingPack Of Dogs Play With A Man Then Turn And Try To Rip Him To Pieces - Is Human?I Know What You're Thinking... "Wow, Kelly Osbourne Is Looking Better Than Ever". No, This 'Thing' Even Has The Spanish Word For Witch Tatted On Her Stomach Is A Model... Or Some Shit.

Surely Not!?Team Of Micro Robots Join Forces And Move A Car - Great ToeAva Sambora Cameltoe On The Beach At A Photoshoot - StackedThe Mega Stacked Danniella Levy Is Here To Cheer In A Brand New Set From Scoreland! Give Me Some Pompoms Because I'd Like To Cheer For Those Water Bottle Pics. They Are Awesome! - Settled ItDriver Attacks Passenger With A Large Stick And Beats Him Unconscious - Epic BikiniRhian Sugden Has Very Big, Awesome Big Tits - $1 HookerWe've All Seen What 5 Dollar Hookers Look Like But This Is A Whole New Level. Behold The One Dollar Prostitute. She's Bald She's Topless And She's Hungry. You Guys Willing To Help A Sister Out? - French PornoFrom Hairy Pussies To Pierced Clit Fisting, The French Know How To Party. - Srsly WTFDead Puerto Rican Man Propped Up In A Chair Wearing Jordans, Smoking A Blunt For His Viewing. - In Her AssShe Wasn't Climaxing So He Pulled Out The Vibrator And Rammed That Bitch In Her Asshole - Life's Cruel Nature Can Be Cruel: Lions Attack A Buffalo Meters From Tourists

Weirdest SexTired Of Those Standard Fuck Positions Like Doggystyle And Missionary? Then Watch And Learn. Although A Couple Of These Positions Aren't Suitable For Some People (A Certain Flexibility Is Needed), I'm Sure It Can Help You On The Way To A Better And More Exciting Sex Life. - Bone CrunchLongboarder Speeding Down A Public Highway Slams Into An Oncoming Car - Getting DrilledWhat The Fuck? I Can Understand Some Of It, But What If Lubrication Stops Then You're Just Going To Be Stuck With A Rifled Vagina. - Gia GenevieveGia Genevieve Gets Naked For Treats! Magazine And I'm Sure You'll Agree That She's Pretty Fucking Amazing. - 36 CumshotsIs There Such A Thing As Too Much Protein, Cause This Cum Junkie Is Gonna Over Dose On It. - Alien AFStrange Creature Found In Acapulco Beach After A Storm - Very Big TitsHolly Hagan Big Braless Boobs In See Through Black Top - Pool HunnieBusty Girl Next Door Kylie Kohl Is Back For Cosmid And This Time She's Getting Naked In The Backyard! She's Got A Nice Body And Her Pool Parties Are Probably Awesome. - ShockingTwo Thugs Fleeing The Police Kill Themselves When They Run The Lights And T-Bone A Passing Truck

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parent's room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice" replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers "Ah sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000". "No problem! I'll write you a cheque!" "Very good, sir" says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared". So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by" grinned the guy "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer "You have your hand on my steak!" "What?" answers the waiter "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home. When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have toe-lio" says he. "You mean polio?" "No, toe-lio". So they continue. When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the knee-sles" says he. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles". Still undaunted, they continue. When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says "Don't tell me! Small-cocks!"


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We've all seen the delicious Big Mac on TV and been bitterly disappointed when the wrapper comes off - they ad version and the real version are in no way related. T this point however we all just accept it and move on. But how do Food Stylists do it? How do they make everything look so god damn appetising? Here are the tricks of the trade...

-Food stylists heat up water and gently dip cheese in it for a couple of seconds before laying it on, say, a probably cold burger to achieve that dripping, gooey look.

-The froth on coffee and milk is actually liquid dish soap. A frothy cappuccino freshly made by the barista... it's so luscious you could lap it up right away! But that froth was not made by steaming the milk. It's soap that's been piped into the coffee. This technique is also used for other beverages like milk, milkshakes, soft drinks, and even beer. It can also be used to show froth in whipped eggs! The reason for this is so that the bubbles remain for a longer duration through the photo shoot.

-Real milk tends to make breakfast cereal soggy and rather unappetising in pretty short order. You know what doesn't do that? White glue. Yogurt or shampoo have also been known to do the trick.

-Cut into a stack of pancakes and you're likely to hit cardboard. Stacked food like pancakes or burgers often are perked up with cardboard support in between the layers.

-It's important for hot foods to look hot. The way to do that is to show steam billowing off. Instead of stopping every few shots to nuke the staged food, photographers will often soak one of these items in water, microwave it, and carefully hide it in the shot.

-Whole turkeys or chickens are first sprayed, usually with a browning sauce, water, and food colouring, then blowtorched till they gleam the perfect colour. Inside, they're usually completely uncooked.

-White glue can be substituted for milk in a bowl of cereal. The glue has a much thicker consistency than milk, and it prevents the cereal pieces from becoming too soggy and unattractive too early. Fast drying glue can also be used to reassemble pieces of food that are crumbled or torn.

-Most of the time, meat products aren't actually cooked because cooking can cause them to shrink and dry out. So items like steak and hamburgers are carefully seared with a blowtorch. Grill marks are then added with a branding iron and probably some shoe polish or varnish may be applied to provide a nice, succulent colour.

-Melting butter? Most likely it was shot on cold food. To get the pat to convincingly melt, a food stylist probably used a portable steamer, depending on the desired effect.

-If you have a label on something you need to photograph and it's giving you a hard time coming off, try some Bestine. Bestine is a solvent and thinner. Be careful though - if the material the tag is stuck on is some kind of plastic or even a painted surface, bestine can melt the material.

-A big stack of pancakes can be a thing of beauty. The only problem is they are quite porous so the syrup just seeps right in. The desirable look of the syrup dripping and running in ever direction doesn't happen. Photographers solve that issue by coating them with a healthy layer of aerosol fabric protector. And, because maple syrup doesn't always look great on camera, they might turn to motor oil as a stand-in.

-Looks like ice cream, tastes like lard. Unless you are advertising a particular brand, generic ice cream is typically made from fat and powdered sugar and coloured to simulate different flavours. A food stylist might also fake ice cream by combining canned frosting with confectioners' sugar: it scoops perfectly and stays camera-ready for hours.

-Cotton balls, when soaked and microwaved, are perfect for creating the illusion of steaming-hot foods.

-That ripe bunch of grapes you see in an ad have that matte look to them because they're coated in a healthy amount of hairspray and spray-on deodorant.

-Cut fruit never browns. It's often put in a cold-water bath with a sprinkle of a product called Fruit Fresh which can be found at grocery stores. Some food stylists will add lemon juice to water for a similar effect. Red fruits like strawberries and raspberries and are painted with red lipstick or blush for a shinier look and to cover up white marks.

-Food colouring is used in juices. Especially cranberry juice, where the bright red colour in adverts isn't exactly what you get in the real product.

-If a product is cold or icy, you can bet the version in the TV commercial is covered in glycerine. The substance is used as a sort of catch-all on food shoots to provide gloss and sheen, or give the appearance of moisture on everything from a beer bottle to a salad.

-Here's why the bacon looks so good: to get the perfectly curled effect, food stylists weave the strips over and under tubes in the oven or they drape them over squished aluminium foil. Highlights created by spritzing oil on the finished product make it look less dry and more mouth-watering.

-If you've ever drizzled a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup, only to watch all of the delicious topping slide and fall off the ice cream, you'll understand this trick. Photographers cut out little amorphous pieces of paper towel, lay them over the top of the ice cream, then cover the paper towel with the syrup. It does holds the syrup in place.

-Ice powder is a kind of gelatine that comes in a dehydrated form and when you add water, the substance becomes a clear slushy mess that closely resembles ice. It's very fine and it's the stuff that Budweiser has sticking to the bottles on all their commercials.

-Sandwiches don't usually stay together. They're built layer by layer, with toothpicks holding each level in place. Larger stacks are held together with skewers.

-The hero of food staging is mashed potato. Whipped spuds are used for all sorts of aesthetic purposes - they're loaded into syringes and then injected straight into meat to plump up specific parts of a turkey or roast. They're even colours and used to play the role of ice cream. And they're baked into pies to provide a sturdy interior that won't fall to pieces when a slice is taken out.

-Because normal ice quickly melts under hot lights, a food stylist uses carved plastic blocks that cost up to $50 each. The drinks are also likely fake, made from granulated gel squeezed into water. Even the condensation on the glass could be a mix of corn syrup and water, sprayed on.

-Smoke pellets or incense sticks, which can stand in for steam as long as they are lightly fanned so their smoke disperses, avoiding the appearance of a lit cigarette laying behind the object.

-Soda doesn't quite as refreshing without an overabundance of bubbles. A little antacid tablet typically gets it bubbling though. Ordinary dish soap can be used for creating larger surface bubbles.

-A food stylist will spray oil on the product to get a gorgeous, glistening effect.

-It's not uncommon for a hamburger bun to be methodically covered with sesame seeds by a person with tweezers, glue, and an incredible amount of patience. Tweezers are also useful in assembling Asian and Italian noodle-based dishes - with the placement, shape, and curvature of each noodle being carefully set in place.

-A salad can be kept looking green and crisp with use of water spray bottle.

-Putty or wax is also used to hold food in place. This is usually placed between the food and a hard surface to keep it from tipping or rolling away.

-White plates show off most food best. Then consumers can really see the richness and beauty of the food without distraction.


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A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.

"Good morning, sir" he said "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country milk from your cows".

The farmer replied "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"And the city boy said "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to try some fresh country milk". The farmer had to try again "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from BULLS!!!"

But the city boy persisted "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to try some fresh country milk!!" So the farmer reluctantly gave in "Son, knock yourself out".

In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but the city boy jumped in with "You know, while I was out in the field getting this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles. And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country honey from your honeysuckles".

And the farmer replied "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from bees".
But the city boy persisted "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try some fresh country honey". So the farmer tried again "Son, honey comes from BEES!" But the city boy was adamant "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want to try some fresh country honey!!" And the farmer reluctantly gave in again "Son, be my guest".

In a half an hour the city boy returned with two mason jars full of honey. The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just then the city boy said "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey, I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows ..."

"Son" interrupted the farmer "let me get my hat".


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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. But what to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike. Mike was responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla... for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First" he said "I don't want to have to kiss her" and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union".

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well" said Mike "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks".


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In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?

The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinise Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired.

The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.

Noticing this, the boss begins to think "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder".

The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra-long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes some more aspirin and leaves early.

The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.

So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her "Jill, I am afraid I either have to lay you or Jack off".

And she replies "Well, you're going to have to jack off because I've got a headache".

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the Urologist for a Prostate exam, Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler, I gave her my name, in a very loud voice, the receptionist said "Yes, I have your name here; you want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied "No, I've come to inquire about a Sex Change Operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours".


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An English POW is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The doctor comes into his room and says "The news iss bad. Ve are going to have to amputate your leg". The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find it too much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's permission, they fulfil his request.

A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says "More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg". The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and again his request is fulfilled.

Another week passes, and the doctor returns to his room and says "Achh! More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your arm". The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Please do ask your commandant if he could find the time to drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission?" Sure enough, it is done.

More time passes, and the doctor once again returns and says "Ze news, she does not get any better. Ve are going to have to amputate your other arm!" The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. It would warm my heart dearly if the commandant could drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission". The doctor goes off and returns with an agitated look on his face. "The commandant says NO, he vill not do ziss for you. He thinks you are trying to escape!"


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A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money!"

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, finally answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said "Most of them become taxi drivers".


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It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"


I'm done.

-Follow Orsm on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They are bulging like something that bulges the most something can bulge.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Pre-Ester weekend... al-fucking-ready!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will rape your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a fancy boy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.03.10-19.58

Welcome to you have a hair growing out of your asshole.

I don't want to say terrible week but...  terrible week. Not like someone died terrible. Terrible like fuxake terrible. It's not even that everything went wrong - there was just too much to do and when you factor in a long weekend away, numerous unexpected time destroying interruptions plus a wave of gastro which plagued our household, it's incredible this update is actually seeing the light of day. For this first time in many years or maybe even ever I pulled the pin and decided to just skip it and try again next week. Common sense kicked in eventually and here we are. No the update doesn't suck however we have skipped the blog section and you guys instead get a bunch of jokes. Check it...





Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. Now I'm worried now that some of my mates could be black.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything". "That is quite a coincidence" said the engineer "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything".
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "How do you start a flood?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said "I do, Father". The priest said "Then stand over there against the wall". Then the priest asked the second man "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall" said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "No, I don't Father". The priest said "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now".
One winter morning an employee showed up to work forty-five minutes late. He exclaimed to his boss, "The street was so slippery that I slid backward three feet for every step I took forward, and I only made it to work because I finally gave up and headed home!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However" he pointed out "in no language can a double positive form a negative". A bored voice from the back of the room responded "Yeah, yeah..."
Back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out... a little to the right... a little to the left... she could feel the sweat on her forehead... between her breasts... and, trickling down the small of her back... she was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy... with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved... forwards then backwards... forward then backward... again... and again... her heart was pounding now... her face was flushed... she moaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder... finally... totally exhausted... she let out a piercing scream... "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
A police officer, though scheduled for night duty at the station, happened to knock off early because it was quiet. He arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night chemist down the street and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache". "Certainly, honey" he said.  Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked to the chemist. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. "Say... I know you... aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me... is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son". With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three".

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Badass KeanuKeanu Reeves Is Training For John Wick 2 And It's Supremely Badass- #nakedselfieKim Kardashian Posts Nude Selfie and Breaks Internet... here's the pic with Kim in all her glory! - AwkwarrrdThat Moment When Everyone Decides Not To Kill One Another - Haha Nice Twist'The Stalking Dead' Shows Why Googling Our Tinder Dates Is A Terrible Idea - Laser PornWatching A Powerful Laser Easily Remove Rust Is Definitely Satisfying - She's ShavenThugs Use Clippers To Teach A Dealers Girlfriend A Lesson - Brazen CuntsLeave Your Valuables At The Hotel If You Visit Brazil - Friendly FireNoob's First And Final Attempt At Porn Stardom Lands Him In A Gang Bang Shoot. He Doesn't Care, He Thinks He's Ready For Anything... But Nothing Can Prepare You To Be A Premature Ejaculator's Innocent Bystander. - Love ThisThis School Yard Dance Off Just Got Real

HeroicIncredible Rescue Attempt Of An Old Man Pinned Down By Sniper Fire - Science, Bitch!How Russians Charge A Cell Phone - SeeThru NipsSophia Bush See Through to Nipples - Ariel WIN-terAriel Winter's Big Boobs For A Brighter Future! - Charlotte TitsShe Was Famous Before Being Famous And Is Still Not Famous But Is Famous... And Huge Tits In America Is All That Matters! - Sucked In!Damn. I Hate My Day At Work When It Involves Customers Telling Me What A Pos I Am. This Guy Got To Experience What Rolled Linoleum Feels Like. - Elevator BJShorthaired Hottie Sucks Her Boyfriend's Cock In The Elevator - I'm Dying!While Decompressing After A Deep Dive, A Diver's Oxygen Gets Cut Off, Prompting The Crew To Rush To His Rescue In This Collection Of Scenes From "Diver Down." - RemarkableA Pencil That Got Stuck In A Vagina And Has To Be Removed By A Surgeon, A Teen Girl With One Of The Biggest Set Of Tits Ever, A Guy Eating A Dirty Tampon Directly From A Pussy, A Pussy So Much Hairy Its Impossible To Find The Entrance, A Woman With A Third Milk Producing Nipple... Just Some Of The Remarkable Moments In This Compilation. Enjoy!

Dog CuntsScumbag Black Teens Play The Knockout Game On Unsuspecting White Guy - Too Sexy!!Kirsten Dunst Pokie Nips Walking Down The Street - Public FuckLooks Like He Was Going At It Pretty Hard Too. At Least Get A Room And Do It In Public Much Less In A Swimming Pool For Everyone To See. She Doesn't Look Half Bad At All Either! - Ripped OffMan Opens £500 Rechargeable Battery Pack And Finds £22 Worth Of Batteries Inside - Anal PsychoThere's No Better Route Into The Deep Trenches Of The Brain Then Through The Rectum. - Big MistakeIndian Muslim Slaps A Chinese Girl For Refusing To Dance With Him, Huge Mistake! - Epic TitsBusty Brunette Tests Out Every Position In The Kama Sutra Book - GorgeousThis Model's Name Is 'Daniel' But Try Not To Hold That Against Her! - Selena UpskirtSelena Gomez Cream Colored Thong

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care" said the waiter with a smile "We don't even have an air conditioner"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before". The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls".
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked "With whom?" "With you" he said. "But George" she said gently "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child". "Oh, don't worry" the boy said reassuringly "I'll use a rubber".
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


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Ever found yourself desperately needing a day off work? Maybe you're too hungover or just cannot be bothered... all that stands in the way is a quick phone call to your boss with a cleverly thought up excuse. Basically like these below but, you know, believable...

-Employee's cervix was hurting. This excuse from a male employee.
-Employee's 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. Employee didn't want to report it to the police.
-Employee said that a hit man was looking for him.
-Employee was waxing his kitchen floor, and waxed himself into a corner. Apparently he had to stand there for an hour until the wax dried.
-Employee's sobriety device wouldn't allow his car to start.
-He had opened his bedroom window for some fresh air and set his alarm clock on the sill. A thunderstorm came through during the night and blew rain through the window, shorting out the alarm clock.
-Employee had headache after going to too many garage sales.
-Co-worker had a buddy who lived way out in the country and was on the waiting list for some kind of transplant. The medivac helicopter sent to pick the guy up couldn't find his property in the dark, so they flew to our co-worker's house and picked him up to show them the way because he was the only person who could recognise his buddy's property from the air at 2am. The medivac didn't have time to drop our co-worker off at home on the way to the hospital, so he ended up stranded at the hospital while they rushed his buddy in for his transplant.
-Employee's false teeth flew out the window as she was driving.
-A co-worker called in late in the middle of summer. He woke up late, called in and reused an excuse he'd used before... his pipes had frozen.
-Employee forgot he was hired for the job.
-He was still living with his parents and his mother made fish for supper. He swallowed a bone and it got lodged somewhere in his digestive tract. This caused him to lapse into a coma after he went to bed that night and it took his parents three days to realise it and revive him.
-Employee was in line at a coffee shop when a delivery truck backed up and dumped flour into her convertible.
-We had an intern who couldn't come into the office because her kitten was going through puberty and was getting all angsty and couldn't be left alone. The next day, said intern showed up with scratches on her forearms that were apparently made by angsty kitten.
-Employee claimed her bus was delayed; she produced a note signed by the driver.
-A guy rang in sick and said he couldn't come in because he had a collapsed lung. Next day he was in. We asked about that - he said "It was only partially collapsed."
-Employee said his hair was hurting his head.
-I went to the beach and my braces melted.
-Employee thought she had won the lottery, but it turns out she didn't.
-I once told my boss my cat was hit by a car and I had to take him to the vet. In truth, my cat was in perfect health and I was just hungover.
-Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
-My best excuse is severe period cramps. For male bosses, they don't ask any more questions.
-Employee claimed her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
-Employee broke an arm trying to catch a falling sandwich.
-A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
-An employee's wife found out he was cheating, so he had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.
-Employee accidentally flushed car keys down the toilet.
-Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.
-Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
-I told my boss I shit my pants in my car on the way to work and couldn't come into the office unless he could come down and bring me a new pair with some wet wipes. No guy wants to hear about his pretty little secretary shitting her pants.
-Employee had to help deliver a baby on way to work.
-Told my boss my mum had died and I couldn't come in. It worked until the next day when I realised my boss and mum are friends on Facebook because of some fundraiser they did together a long time ago.
-Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
-Told my boss I found my girlfriend cheating on me and had to take the day off to deal with it. It was a TOTAL lie and he felt terrible because he kind of knows my girlfriend. It was awkward when we went to the Christmas party together. We never talked about it but now he thinks my girlfriend is a cheater.
-Employee I cut fingernails too short, they're bleeding and has to go to the doctor.
-Had an employee return two days late after being on holiday. He had jet lag. He'd only been to Spain which is a 2 hour flight!
-One of the walls in the employee's home fell down the night before.
-Employee was sitting in the bathroom and her feet and legs fell asleep. When she stood, up she fell and broke her ankle.
-Employee's dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
-Employee had been at the casino all weekend and still had money left to play with on Monday morning.
-Employee's mother was in jail.
-Employee woke up in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it.
-Employee's wheelchair broke down.
-Employee had a "lucky night" and didn't know where he was.
-A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
-Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn't get out.
-Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
-Employee had a gall stone they wanted to heal holistically.
-It's way too cold outside to leave the house.
-Employee caught their uniform on fire by putting it in the microwave to dry.
-Employee had tickets for Sunday's race but it was rained out, so they're running it today.
-Employee accidentally got on a plane.
-Employee blew his nose so hard that he pulled a back muscle.
-I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
-Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
-Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
-I can't attend work as I had secured a parking space outside my house, and did not want to lose it.
-Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
-One of our employees told me that they couldn't come in because all their clothes were wet.
-Employee's house lock jammed, and is now locked in.
-I forgot to charge my phone and it died overnight, so it didn't wake me up in the morning.
-Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.
-I can't come in because I fell up some stairs and broke my foot.
-Employee was upset after watching The Hunger Games.
-I can't come in because I accidentally drank mouthwash.
-Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.
-"I can't come to work because I have conjunctivitis"... employee had actually sprayed deodorant in her eyes to make it look like she had the infection.
-Employee tripped over his pet dog and was knocked unconscious.
-I can't come into work because the power's gone out and I need to wait for it to come back on.
-Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers. Was then arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
-My plastic surgery needed some "tweaking" to get it just right.
-Employee forgot to come back to work after lunch.
-Employee got sick from reading too much.
-Employee totalled his wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
-My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
-I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
-I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.
-Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
-My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out.


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There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said "Sure".

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down".

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 100kmh. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine until all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 150 kmh.

He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"


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This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in 'playful activities' with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Brit had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, sir" came the reply "This is his morning ritual". "Ask him" the awed Brit said to his companion "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"


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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's butthole, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Your turn!!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well" Mary said "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"


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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realised that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said "Now that you mention it, you have no ears". The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed "Yes, you have no ears". The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing contact lenses".

Surprised, the man then asked "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any fucking ears!"


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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait!" he cried "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant. "If" the man continues "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so" says the bartender "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that the alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail.

"Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off.

The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again.

"There" says the man to the crowd "now would anyone else like to try this?" A girl in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard".


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I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of... on the street... leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a night.


Well I'm glad that's over. Time to regroup and hope shit goes to plan next week. Until then though...

-Follow Orsm on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They contain the most amazing content to be posted on the internet since 2000.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Hopefully. Be warned I'm going to skip a week soon to work on some stuff.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will change the rules thereby ensuring your embroiled in a huge drug scansdal and banned from professionally playing sport. It's happened before...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please pass the GOOD butter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2016.03.03-19.30

Welcome to goodbye summer.

I've hit that shitty time of the year when all the big bills are due at once. We all have one. First up was the bill from a tradesman who came to fix some stuff. Any chance that was going to be a cheapy? Nope. Next up, the house insurance is due. Tomorrow. They keep sending reminder text messages. If I don't pay it then it pretty much guarantees someone will leave candles burning and subsequent catastrophic fire. There's a monstrous "maybe we should have been a tiny bit less casual with our water usage over summer" bill sitting here too. But all those are puny compared to the car service. No one expects that a mechanic will *just* service your car... there is *always* going to be something they find which *must* be done ASAP. You know its really going to hurt when they have to keep the car overnight because the work couldn't be finished in a day. There are more I could waffle on about but you get the idea although they haven't all been bad. The most recent electricity bill was $30. Loving my solar panels right now.





Speaking of obscenity and money. Around the early 2000's I went to register orsm.com. It was available but I was flat broke and didn't have a credit card. Months later I went to register it and someone had registered so went with the .net instead. Kind of made sense with the original orsm.ii.net address anyway. A few years later I got in touch with the guy who owned it. We were exchanging offer/counter-offer emails. Remember saying he could have all the money in my PayPal account - something like $972. He was close but ultimately refused to budge from $1,500 or whatever it was. Since then the .com domain has passed from broker to broker and every now and then I'll request a price for shitzengiggles. The last time, a few years ago, I scoffed at the preposterous $30,000. I checked in again this week and was shocked (and flattered) to see they are now asking US$90k... that's over AUD$120,000! Love to know how they come up with the valuations. Just whack a huge price and hope someone is cashed up enough not to care?

Email has actually been a good source of entertainment lately. Last week I made some comments about Adelaide: "a place I vowed never to return... it's boring as fuck. Sorry South Aussies but you know it's true". Completely justified and literally everyone who's ever been there will agree. The locals however... not so much...

Ian writes: "It's a shame your such a moronic tosser because you have a great site. It's tossers like you bagging another state that stops me from wanting to visit yours. If you haven't worked it out by now, you live at the arse end of the world and if it wasn't for fly in fly out workers there would be barely anyone in your overpriced state. Pull your head in you knob".

Hilarious. Okay so I concede my comments were perhaps a little inflammatory and unfair... after all Rrrradelaide does have an excellent airport so not ALL bad. The outrage must have been strong because Ian didn't read on to where I said Melbourne was the best city - never even mentioned my home, Perth. And no one is denying Perth is overpriced and was, for a while, propped up by mining and FIFO's. Now the boom is over it's supported by the tens of thousands formerly unhappy South Australians who've moved here. Honestly, ask any West Aussie and we will talk your ear off about our nanny state with its expensive coffee, terrible service and over congested roads... but it could be worse. How? Well at least we're not Adelaide...

Alright let's move on. Today's update is an absolute fucking ripper. You're going to percolate with every click of the mouse so cover the floor with towels, pull on your rubber gloves and lube up because this puppy is sicker than something that is really, really sick. Check it...

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Total SLUTThis Woman Soon Regrets Turning Down Homely Looking Dude - Thrilling RideRoad Testing The Incredible Beast That is Kawasaki's Supercharged Ninja H2 Streetbike - THIS Is NewsThe News In Albania Is Awesome - Dirty Minded?50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Steamy FuckJade Nile Is Naked With Her Legs And Pussy Lips Spread As She Sits On This Guys Face For Him To Lick And Suck Her Pussy. What Happens Next? Well Let's Just Say It Ends With A Big Sticky Load Going Down Her Throat! - Tinder HowToHow To Get Laid On Tinder: 10 Rules From Real Users - Bit HarshGirl Gets Whipped And Beaten By Two Men For Posting Nude Photos Of Her Husband - That EasyThis Guy Dared Elite Hackers To Hack Him And Is Shocked By The Results - Small TipDenny's Waiter Tipped With Blowjob

Crazy BiotchEver Been On A Flight With Someone This Insane? - Gigi's NipGigi Hadid Boob Pops Out Of Her Dress On The Runway - Fuck Yeh!Jessica Simpson's Cleavage Looks Amazing In This Dress! - Oh My...Love Her Or Hate Her... That Ass Is Seriously Fucking Amazing! - Fucking IdiotDumbass Shoots Himself In The Head - Balls DeepBig Dick Wolf Goes Balls Deep In Some Tight Ass - No BoundariesThis Fucking German Girl Has Zero Boundaries - Madness!Jet Skis Run For Their Lives Out Of Waimea Bay As An Insane Set Rolls In - OMFG!Man With A Huge Blade Stuck In His Belly After A Fight - U Will Fapp!Most Girls' First Sex Experience Is With One Of Their Best Friends And These 2 Are No Different. They Borrowed Dads Car, Found A Nice Quiet Place And Film Themselves Eating Each Other Pussies.

Double SnatchFucking Zombies Just Staring At Their Smart Phones And Giving No Fucks For Their Surroundings Are Hard To Feel Sorry For And These Dumb Asses Were Asking For It. - She Leakin!That's Right, Work That Hoe Quita... Or Is It "Work That Hoquita"? Either Way Precious Is Walking Around A Bloody Mess Now. - Stupid Hot Playboy Chick Alyssa Arce Getting Naked On The Beach Is Stupid Hot. - Ego crushedSome German Guys On A BMW M3 Have Had Their Ego's Crushed - Violatingublic Humiliation Goes Way Too Far - Ultra FreakWhoever The Doctor Is That Made These Monstrosities, Should Lose His License. - Miley SideboobMiley Cyrus Topless In Mesh Top While Out Shopping - Sexy GenieIf You Were Lost In The Desert And Came Across A Tent With This Sexy Genie Inside, Would You Forget That You Were Thirsty? - Stripper Trix

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson. Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied: "I wasn't."
A man was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, man replies "I couldn't find it".
Did you hear about the Jewish paedophile? He comes out from behind the bushes and says "Hey little boy, want to buy some sweets?"
Guy goes to a whorehouse. After asking for a quick, cheap shag, he is shown into a dark room with one bed a naked lady lying there ready. He sets to work. He pushes in for all he's worth, giving it his all... it had been a while for him and he wasn't really looking to please her anyways. As he buries himself as deep as he can go, she spits in his face. He knows this is the cheapest shag he is gonna get and so wipes his face and goes in for another almighty push, the bitch spits in his face again! Having enough this time he goes back to reception to complain at the lack of respect this whore is showing him. Finishing his rant, he waits while the fat controller on reception hollers to the joke of security, the fat guys come over... "Guys I need you to go empty the stiff in room 10". "She'll be ready again soon if ya want to wait, sir".


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-Enlisting the help of Jerome, a top-class concierge from the InterContinental, Los Angeles, an American fashion designer cried "help" even after he had left for the airport. Not content with the ordinary cuisine served on-board his flight, the guest enlisted the help of the hotel's chef who arranged his own menu including smoked salmon pizza from Beverly Hills. The gastronomic delights, as well as expensive silverware to serve them, were delivered just in time for take-off.

-On the last day of his New Delhi vacation, one traveller decided he wanted to give his 12-year-old son an authentic rickshaw so enlisted the tour guide from the Taj Mahal hotel. Picking out the perfect rickshaw he offered the driver $300 and the deal was done. But the vehicle had to be dismantled piece by piece, cleaned, packed and rushed to the airport before the guy departed.

-A refund was requested by a guest at another hotel because his dog did not have a pleasant stay.

-The concierge at the Four Seasons Tented Camp, located in Thailand, fulfilled a customer's request to have photographs taken of his children with a snake. After calling a local friend who owned a giant python, the guests were delighted with their pictures, taken with the 12 foot long, 265 pound snake right on the hotel property.

-A real grass patch to be brought to their room so that their pet can relieve itself on the grass rather than being brought outside".

-We get a lot of interesting requests, as well as questions like "What time of the year do the elk turn into moose?"

-A guest at a hotel in Portugal craved cheesecake from his favourite bakery in New York. The hotel accommodated by having one flown in for the next day.

-One male guest requested that his king-sized white cotton duvet cover be replaced with a Ben 10 duvet cover.

-An American couple, visiting Monasterio Cuzco in Peru, asked the staff of the Chef Concierge Hotel if they could take the red clay tiles covering the roofs of the nearby buildings. The concierge was able to ship duplicate tiles back to their home in the United States with a total cost of $200 for the tiles and $6,000 for the shipping.

-A couple ready to leave Nova Scotia asked the concierge what time they shut off Niagara Falls as they would like to get there before that hour.

-One guest of the Radisson Blu Aqua Hotel in Chicago wrote in her reservation notes that she wanted her room to feature a framed photo of David Hasselhoff.

-A guest only wanted to stay in the hotel 'if we had a fully yellow room.' Lucky we do and he finally checked in.

-At the Four Seasons Resort The Biltmore in Santa Barbara, California, senior concierge Katie Allan was faced with an irate guest whose wedding centrepiece -a custom fingerprint artwork- hadn't arrived in the mail. The wedding was hours away. In a few hours, the concierge found an artist and had a courier pick up the appropriate canvas and paints. The artist created artwork similar to the original and the team used hairdryers to blow dry the canvas to and get it ready just in time.

-A bride realised four hours prior to her wedding that she got her dress dirty the night before on a drunken adventure in Seattle. It was a trip to the local dry cleaner for me - I had to assist the dry cleaner with cleaning the wedding dress and shortly after meet the bride at the wedding venue.

-A guest asked the concierge for a taxi to take him to Chicago's O'Hare Airport. Since he was in Dallas, the concierge suggested a better option might be the closer Dallas/Fort Worth departure level.

-A Gold Coast hotel was asked to buy alpacas for a Middle Eastern family and another was asked to arrange a sight-seeing trip to Sydney, Melbourne, Alice Springs and the Great Barrier Reef all in one day.

-An insomniac guest requested a night-time lullaby from a Rooms Division Manager in Gauteng - who obliged and sang his guest to sleep.

-Two guests at Switzerland's Swiss Diamond Hotel requested an extra executive deluxe room room in addition to the executive deluxe room already booked for their "beautiful dog" to stay for the standard rate of $300 per night.

-A hotel guest was very ill with the flu. I suggested that I call the hotel doctor. She asked instead if I would go down to a Chinese herbalist in Chinatown to pick up horsetail tea. When I arrived at the herbalist, I was asked to sit down for an examination and present my tongue to be 'read' while the herbs were crushed into a tea. The doctor then suggested that I discontinue eating meat until I was well.

-A very affluent guest celebrating his son's bar mitzvah once requested that the concierge arrange a football pitch and the Israeli soccer team to come and play a match against his son and his friends. Our concierge was able to put him in touch with one of the largest Jerusalem soccer teams, with which they were very pleased.

-A guest at the Hotel Puente Romano thought his bed was too high so requested that the feet be cut off in order to make it a more comfortable height. The hotel refused.

-At the St. Ermin's Hotel in Westminster, London, a guest requested a daily supply of Kobe beef fillet for his dog. The concierge team bought and couriered the steaks from a nearby restaurant daily. Two 150-gram Kobe beef steaks retail for around $50 in England.

-You might think it would be impossible to obtain a live goat at 2am. Well, apparently nothing is impossible for chef concierge of the St. Regis Bahia Beach Resort, Puerto Rico, who needed to do just that for a documentary film crew whose biggest star, a male goat, had passed away during the night and needed a replacement between 3 and 4:30am.

-The Sofitel Chicago Water Tower welcomed guests staying in December who decided to celebrate an early Christmas because the guy was shipping out for military service overseas. The concierges purchased a tree from one of the local greenhouses and had it placed in the room prior to their arrival. In advance, the wife shipped the concierges their holiday ornaments, stockings and a few small gifts. Armed with all of those props, the concierges decorated the tree, hung the stockings, wrapped the presents and staged their celebration all before the guests walked into the hotel for a magical Christmas holiday.

Want more? We've covered this back in July '15. You can find them by clicking here.



A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending". He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"


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There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now in their mid-forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the 'real' world. Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their looks were entirely gone.

They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit the strip, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend on the town, having a marvellous time, and catching the red-eye back home Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could hear their confessions. The priest replied, "Certainly sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and I'll hear your confessions one at a time."

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual, and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas. "Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I had a wonderful time. I also touched a man's penis with my left hand."

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and said to the nun "Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary's, perform one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be forgiven."

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered...

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol, I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time. Also, I touched a man's penis with my right hand." The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told the nun "Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Mary's, perform two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be forgiven."

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting, wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the process. The priest shouted at them to stop!

"In Heavens name, stop this! You are sisters! There is no need to fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please stop this!"

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said "Listen Father... If you think I'm gonna gargle with that Holy Water, AFTER she's putt her asshole in it, you've got another damn thing coming!"



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-One Russian guest at the Four Seasons Resort in the Seychelles insisted a fish be removed from the ocean because it was getting in the way of his swimming. The venomous lionfish is usually admired by guests here because it's so rare to see them. But not for this chap. The concierge ordered a team of snorkelers to take to the water took to seek out the unassuming sea creature. They made sure it was nowhere to be seen to satisfy this fishy request and get the guest back in the water.

-An A-list actress from a top-rated television series was staying with us and asked us to provide a personal steamer for her room. At Hard Rock Hotel San Diego we strive to fulfil any of our guests' needs that will ensure they have a comfortable stay, so of course we had the steamer waiting in her room when she arrived. No problem... except that despite being asked to leave the steamer in her room when she left, she took it with her.

-A regular guest at the W Hollywood Hotel showed up without a change of clothes for the evening, and instead of going shopping went up to the concierge and said "Go buy me clothes. I want to dress exactly like you". With $2,000 in hand, he went to his favourite store to purchase the guest a new wardrobe.

-An elderly woman contacted the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Honolulu to ask if she could scatter her dog's ashes in the sea. The concierge spoke to the woman and discovered her beloved pooch, Aloha Pumehaha, who had been born in Honolulu, had recently passed away. Local canoe and charter boat clubs proved too pricey. Then, Atlantis Submarines agreed to take the lady out to sea during their last shuttle to the sub and at no cost.

-One couple decided to spend the night at the Woodlands Resort in Houston after purchasing tickets to see John Mayer perform there. Completing the online booking for the hotel room, they couldn't resist having some fun when it came to the 'special requests' section. They requested: 'Three red M&Ms on the counter. Not packages, just three single M&Ms. One for me, one for my girlfriend, and one to split if we get hungry late at night. And a picture of bacon set on the bed. I love pictures of bacon.' Sure enough, upon checking into their room that's exactly what they found.

-We had a guest who requested a specific room because of the effect the sun at that angle had on their aura.

-Despite accessibility to fresh island food, some travellers just can't stay away from those golden arches. One hungry guest at the St. Regis Bora Bora requested a hotel butler fly to the neighbouring island of Papeete to get a McDonald's Big Mac.

-The Chief concierge of the Towers of the Waldorf Astoria New York, has seen various paranormal concierge requests during his tenure of 20-plus years. He most vividly remembers the Australian couple crazy about candy. They wanted near life-size statues of themselves for their wedding... made out of chocolate. The pastry chef at the Waldorf had only their photographs to work with and it took several months to get the statues' dimensions just right.

-We once had a guest that was in town for a massage therapy seminar and asked if he could give some of our associates massages so that he could practice. Request granted!

-A Four Seasons Hotel, New York, concierge once helped get a custom-made James Bond tuxedo to fulfil one groom's dream. The secret agent suit had to be like 007's tux which is made by Brioni of Rome and takes weeks to make. Brioni was closed for the summer but a replica tuxedo was put together by a team of sewers outside Rome to make a portion of the garment each and expertly stitch it all together in a staggering 36 hours. It even came complete with secret pockets for Bond's weapons and gadgets.

-One guest decided to have some fun when she checked into the Hotel Indigo San Antonio Riverwalk during a business trip. After receiving a welcome text that offered assistance 'any time,' she replied back saying she would like a signed picture of Nicholas Cage in Con Air on her bed. And the well-meaning staff adhered to her request, and the actors face was waiting on entry. The rest of the trip involved various other requests for Nicholas Cage in an array of films, all granted by the hotel.

-At the Hotel Indigo in Asheville, North Carolina, a guest asked for a unicorn to be waiting in his room upon arrival. The concierge was able to fulfil the request with a plush toy unicorn and apologetic note informing the guest that unfortunately it was not unicorn season.

-At Fisher Island Club Hotel in Florida, a guest asked the Executive Chef to find and smoke a 7-foot alligator for a James Bond-themed party.

-This email was sent to the Days Inn, Chicago: "My baby Billy, who is a cute snorkelling piglet, is my most treasured pet that I cannot go anywhere without. Billy just has a little problem: every hour he likes to go outside and play with his soccer ball that he pushes around with his little snout. I tend to keep to his every hour playtime schedule because if not he'll throw a fit and oink all night. We want to ask if we'd be able to reserve a room near an exit door with two beds? I did forget to mention that Billy sleeps in his own bed with a fluffy pillow that he loves to lay his small pudgy head upon. By the way, it has been two years since Billy has had a runny accident on the bed. I admit the day he had that awful accident was my fault, because I overfed him beans with a chalupa... I do promise that you will not have to worry about another accident because that is the last time I would ever feed him beans and chalupas".

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There was this priest who wanted to 'spread the good word' in areas where need was greatest. He thought that the best place to start was in Africa. So off he went.

He went into a deep jungle, and found a tribe. In his haste however, he forgot that he would have to teach these people English first. So, he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and began his teaching.

They went for long walks in the jungle, first the priest would point to a rock and say, "Rock." And the native would say "bagwundame." And the priest would repeat "Rock" and the native would say "roock." Then priest would point and say "tree" native would say "tree" and so on until the native had a minor understanding of English.

It was on one of these 'nature walks' that the pair stumbled upon a clearing, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple making love. Well, this embarrassed the priest, and as he turned to leave the tribesman asked, "What they do?" The priest, being flustered, said, "UUUhhh, why, they're uh, uh, mmm, Fuc.. er no they're scre...*er* mmmaking whoop... *cough* THEY RIDE BICYCLE!"

He figured, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway so whatever.

Suddenly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead on the spot. The priest is outraged!

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY???" cried the Priest. The native answered simply, "He ride MY bicycle."



Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts - not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Then one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.

Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say, "N-n- n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here. Mad Martin's coming!"


Orsm Random Shite Gallery 2016 03 03
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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me" our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? AND?" his hulking neighbour replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"Okay" the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars!"



In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all - fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter.

The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.

Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?"

Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also!" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one" he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. "You dumb ass! Pendejo! Stupido! Ignorante!" she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE!"


Alright I'm calling it a day.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They won't get drunk and beat you... well they might but we'll cross that if we come to it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Totally contingent on me having nothing better to do.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will tell everyone how he saw you do that thing at the place when you thought no one saw but he did and now its too late unless you meet my demands.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just stop talking and finish the update. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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