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March 2018...
orsmupdate 2018.03.29-20.25
MILA

Welcome to ball tampering (the good kind involving a girl and your testicles).

If everyone can just STFU about the Australian cricket cheating scandal now that'd be great. Seriously. A couple of players made some bad choices and got caught ball tampering. Is it really THAT bad? Did they really HAVE to be fired, banned and careers/lives ruined? No one died! Major sponsors of the players and the sport are now walking away with their money. Everyone so concerned about appearances they have overreacted in extreme. Pathetic. The worst part is these players cannot possibly be the only ones - ball tampering likely happens every single day. They're just the ones who got cocky and got caught and people are losing their minds over who was involved, who knew and who's to blame. Waaay back in 2007 a whole racism saga ruined cricket for me; it became toxic overnight and I switched off. Has taken me until the last year or two to slowly come back and just like that, all the OTT reporting, bitching, moaning and feigned disappointment has done it again.

And with that, let us proceed with the update. It's been an odd week in that I've actually managed to get a tremendous amount done thanks to minimal interruptions. The update, brilliant in every possible way, shines like a beacon in the night. What does that mean? It means you have options! This long weekend you can choose to spend time with your fucktarded extended fam doing Easter stuff or dedicate yourself to this wondrous update. Check it...

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Two homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said "You see that guy across the road?" "Wow, he's cute!!" the other said. "Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back". "No shit??" the other asked. "Not much..." replied the first.
--
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothing special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...
--
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel". Paddy asked "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw' you hit her with the shovel".
--
Steve went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his penis, the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D. "No way" said the shocked Steve, blushing terribly. "It must be a cold". "Call it what you like, Steven" said the doctor "but, until it sneezes, we'll have to treat it for V.D".
--
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl. She asked me for my number. I told her that we usually use names.
--
A man was complaining to a friend "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
--
A feminist was pointing out the many superiorities women have over men and I was at a loss refuting any of them, until her crowning statement that among their greatest abilities women could multi task. So I told her to shut up and sit down, you know what she couldn't do either, although my black eye is now getting better.
--
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.
--
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents". "Well, sir" the attendant replied with a grin "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now".
--
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent, 1 bar of soap, 3 individual servings of yogurt, 2 oranges, 1 stick of women's deodorant. She then goes to the checkout line. Cashier: "Oh, you must be single". Woman: "You can tell that by what I bought?" Cashier: "No, you're fucking ugly!"
--
I feel sorry for the magician I saw last night! He hypnotised 7 men and then dropped the microphone on his foot. He said "Fuck me!" and what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life!
--
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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Double TeamedThey Were Hitting That Pussy In Every Position. They Loved That Pussy So Much They Had To Cum All In Her - Shit Gets Real Crazy. - SluttyYou See All These Videos Of Girls Too Scared To Hit A Wendy's Drive-Thru With A Homemade Glaze. Then You Have... - Camslut FuckedGorgeous Looking Teen Deepthroats And Gets Fucked By Boyfriend - Fucking EasterThe Easter Bunny Fucks Step Daughter During Family Photo Time - LOL RetardedMost Retarded Porn Plots In History - Public SquirtOne Day This Is Going To End Bad. Real Bad. - FapworthyHere’s Julissa Neal And She’s Topless And A Nobody But Topless :-) - Those CurvesJulissa Neal Topless For A Photo Shoot. Winning.

Celeb ButtsPhun.org Presents Celebrity Butts #19 - Epic FacialNo One Takes A Facial Like Miss Banana. I'm Not Just Saying That Either - She Sets The Standard. - Vodka & SexFucked Way Too Hard On The Table - Crazy TittiesBest Tits EVER!!! You're Gonna Need THREE Hands For These! - InterracialThug Fucks Nice Brunette Stripper - Dirty HeroineHow To Make 2,000 Nerds Cum In Their Pants Simultaneously - Got BustedAn Entire Street Joins In On Beating Up A Thief - Candid BikinisThe Best Thing About Bikini's? It's Summer Somewhere Meaning Somewhere There Is A Girl Rocking A Bikini. - Too Skinny?Horny Chick With Incredible Body Rides A Dildo and Cum's Like Crazy

WRONGA Slavic Produce Smuggler Accidentally Inhales The Whole Thing And Goes To Hospital For Help. - Just So SexyLottie Moss Braless Puffy Pokies - PerfectionWOW! Japanese Babe Rara Anzai Has The Kind Of Boobs That Leaves You Without Words. All That Is Left To Do Is Just Blow Your Head Off, Because You Have Now Seen Perfection - NoticeableThis Is The Modern Take On The Street Whore…We Call The Instagram Whore. Fucking Great Rack Though! - The "Look"We Know That Look [But Do We Care?] LOL - Fukn Rekt..It's All About Crossing The Line With Class: "I Almost Fucked My Girlfriend To Death" - NO MoralsMasturbating When Her Mom Is In The Background?? European Girls Have Zero Morals! - In PainThe Faces Of Pain. (Yep It’s A Sex Thing!) - Cutie BlondeReady And Waiting! Guy Walks In His Hotel Room To This Horny Beauty -In The ButtFirst Time Anal Leads To Crying

Two aliens are flying near Earth. The first one says "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons". The second one says "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first one says "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves".
--
A divorced mum took her young daughter to the zoo. One of the elephants had a huge, huge erection. "Mummy, what's that?" asked the shocked and confused daughter. "Nothing" replied the embarrassed and flustered mum. The next month, dad took the daughter to the same zoo. The same elephant had the same huge, huge erection. "Daddy!! I saw that with mum. What is that??" Dad, trying to be careful, asked "What did your mum say it was?" Daughter replies "she said it was nothing". Dad stares at the erection and says "Just like your mother - never fucking satisfied!"
--
Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words... "Stop playing with that shotgun you little cunt".
--
I stopped to chat with an elderly neighbour whose husband had died during the past year. Her daughter and son-in-law were visiting her, and I asked about her plans for the coming months. She expressed her desire to spend a month at her summer home. "After that, she'll probably stay a few months in St. Louis with my sister, and then come back home with me" her daughter interjected. The older woman smiled lovingly at her daughter. "They tell me what to do, and I do it" she said. "I used to be the mother of four children. Now, it seems, I'm the child of four mothers".

ORSM VIDEO

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A touring ventriloquist puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde interrupts yelling "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

EVERYONE WANTS THAT GIRL NEXT DOOR...

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR 05

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration". You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".

Of course Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought 'That's exactly what I need - a new suit!'

He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said "Let's see... size 42 long". Joe laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see... 34 sleeves and... 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" came the reply.

Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2... E". Joe said astonished "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old". "The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache".

ORSM VIDEO


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It was the old days of the American west. A young man has left his home back east, to seek his fortune in the wide open spaces. He arrives in town, and sees the local saloon has a 'HELP WANTED' sign in the window.

He goes into the bar, and speaks to the owner, who sizes him up, and offers him the job. He adds this: "One thing. If you ever hear, 'Big John's a-comin'', just get out of here as fast as you can!"

He works there for a few weeks, when one day, he's cleaning the place, and there's an incredible commotion outside. People are yelling, screaming "Big John's a-comin! Big Jooooohn's a-comin!"

As he's trying to leave the bar, though, he's knocked over by a massively huge man, riding an even bigger mountain lion, using a twelve foot rattlesnake for a whip! The man rides the mountain lion up to the bar, tosses the rattlesnake into the corner, and bellows out "Gimme a barrel of pickle juice!"

Our young hero goes into the store room and rolls out a barrel of pickle juice. The man rips the lid off with his teeth and drains it all in one gulp, and tops it off with a belch that rattles windows three towns away.

The young man meekly asks "Would you like another barrel of pickle juice?" "Ain't got time!" comes the reply. "Big John's a-comin'!"

SOMETIMES... YOU GET A FLASH OF... THE THE BRIDES VAGINA...

BRIDE UPSKIRTS 02

Previously on Orsm: BRIDE UPSKIRTS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

JOKE OR ANTI-JOKE?

-A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
-What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
-There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
-I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
-The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
-What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wataaaaah!
-The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
-You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
-If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
-So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
-A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
-Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
-Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
-How does NASA organise their company parties? They planet.
-Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
-What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
-Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
-Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
-Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well-known six offender.
-What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
-My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.
-What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
-Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
-How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes.
-What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
-Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
-Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
-Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
-Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
-What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
-Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
-When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
-I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
-PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
-Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
-Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
-Learn sign language, it's very handy.
-I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet.
-You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
-What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
-Dry erase boards are remarkable.
-Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
-How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
-What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
-How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? The blind try to read your face.

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said "No, I'd like to see something a little more special".

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated "By cheque. Now I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon".

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account!" "I know" said the old man "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

GIRLS THINK GIRLS BOOBIES ARE D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S 😋

GIRLS LICKING GIRLS BOOBS 02

Previously on Orsm: GIRLS LICKING GIRLS BOOBS #1 - MORE >>

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 29

OLDER SHITE: 22nd March - 15th March - 8th March - 1st March - 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

AND THEY ARE GETTING RID OF THEM? LUNACY!

RACE GIRLS

AND NOW, THIS:

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey". St. Peter said "Noooooo" and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts". St. Peter said "Noooooo" and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said "So, tell me". She said "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter said "Verrrrrry good".

Then the blonde continued "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey".

St. Peter fainted.

FOUND HER WAITING IN YOUR BED...

MILA

Previously on Orsm: MELIKA - ALESSANDRA - HOLLY - IVETA - MARTINA - ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Happy Easter and stay safe on the roads this long weekend.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Don't make a fuck outta me.
-Next update will be next Thursday in Jesus's name we pray. Amen.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will go around telling people you guys are BFF's. You will be fucking mortified for anyone to think you two are mates.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems - we don't need a repeat of the hotel incident. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.03.22-20.07
MELIKA

Welcome to good shot kid, I think you got him.

This update was starting to feel a lot like it would never fucking end... and as you guys surf through it you will see why. If it were food it'd make several very fat people very happy - there's a lot in it. Unfortunately at this point I just don’t have the energy or inclination to type anything significant or substantial at the top here so I'ma slide into a big bunch of jokes which in turn becomes yet ANOTHER exceptional update. Okay so that might sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but you are probably forgetting or perhaps don’t know just how fucking amazing I am. Check it...

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My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some role-play to spice things up. So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.
--
Teacher asks her class if any of them can give her a sentence using the word 'contagious'. Up goes Susie's hand....Daddy had the flu and Mummy said to keep away from him cause it is contagious. Teacher says very good Susie. Little Johnny's hand goes up. Teacher dreads this but no one else raises a hand. OK Johnny....I asked Mummy how long Daddy would be out fishing and she said it would take the contagious.
--
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife "Can you give me one last wish?" She says "Anything you want". He says "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says "But I thought you hated Larry". With his last breath, he says "I do".
--
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?" The parrot responds "In the jungle, there's millions of them".
--
A super-hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned". The priest says "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby". The priest says "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay". As the girl tries to go out, the priest says "Oh, and don't forget that I will always be here for you!"
--
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once". "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry". At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex... that seems somewhat... unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through the window".
--
Three couples travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him "Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I've got to get to her NOW!" The other guy says "Okay. Do you want me to come with you?" "What the hell for?" asks the other. "Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.
--
A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. Still not satisfied, the doctor asked "Well, what happened to the other ear?" "The sucker called again!"

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Straight Up FreakHollyberryxxx Been Around For A Minute. She A Straight Freak. She Loves Big Black Dick, Gangbangs, Fuckin' In Her Ass, She Down For Whatever. Her Head Game Is Off The Planet... Big Dick And Swallows It Like It's A Cough Drop - Porn WTF'sFive Of The Most WTF Porn Moments We Could Find. A Cum Covered Slut Beating Up A Midget, The First Female Cumshot Caught On Film, Tory Lane's Broken Brain And An Innocent Question With A Very Questionable Answer. - AmbushedCute Step Sister Blackmailed By Brother For Smoking Weed - Can't WatchDon't Try This At Work: Penis Vs Nail Gun - Still Hot!!Avril Lavigne Is In A Bikini... So I Guess, Dreams Do Come True. - Feelin' ToeyAriel Winter Cameltoe In Workout Gear - Fat Clothes :-)Candids Of Jemma Lucy Wearing A Revealing Outfit While Throwing Away A Tv Box! This Reminds Me Of Two Things I Need To Do. 1. Fuck A Girl With Big Tits And 2. Finally Get A New 4k TV! - Fuck SlowlyThat Ass Is Magic. How Can She Take This Cock?! - Porn OperaCumming Can Be Like Music To The Ears

Hookers? HaNot Since Paying Backpage.com's Finest In Pennies Have You Seen A Sexual Arrangement Become Such A Challenge. - Katy CummingsKaty Cummings Titty Fucks A Big Dick - Serious KinkKinky Stuff Is What It Takes To Make These Nympho Girls Happy!! - In ShapeI Don't Know About You, But I Like Girls That Are In Shape. It Should Be Too Crazy, So That She Still Looks Like A "Woman", But A Fit One! - Insta-SlutHorny Instagram Model Bangs The Photographer - So Much HahaWho Da Bitch Now?! - GREAT TitsKelly Brook’s Huge Tits Are Incredible - Looking NiiiceCurvy And Busty Lillias Right Is Picking Up Some Water Before Heading To The Beach! Then She Shows Us Her Tits And A Hint Of Her Pussy! - BralessJoy Corrigan Without Her Bra In See Through Jumpsuit

Celeb ButtsPhun's Celebrity Butts #18 - Only JapanDrinking From The Tit??? Thanks Japan! - Knock-KnockShe Loves It Deep And Huge And Hard In The Vagina - Got Creepy?Carefree Deviant Cruises Around Town, Chode In Hand, Looking For A Little Entertainment. And After 291 Consecutive Failures, It Looks Like Our Little Thomas The Fap Engine Finally Caught The Big One(s). - *squirter*The Most Intense 60 Seconds I'm Gonna Have Today - Performing - Wife LeakedWOW! Idiot Just Accidentally Shared His Stunning Wife's Nude Photos Online - She NastyFlorida.......? Seriously Is This What Goes On There??? - On DisplayRoshelle Braless In Sheer Jumpsuit

A blonde walks into a barber shop with headphones on. She tells the barber what cut she wants, but that he has to cut around her headphones. The barber looks a little puzzled but agrees. So, he starts cutting the best he can but accidently he knocks the headphones off. Within a few seconds the girl dies. Very startled, the man walks over and picks up the headphones and hears "Breathe in, Breathe out".
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off. An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
--
A large fat, big mouthed American is on a bus tour of Sydney and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Australia. As they meander around Randwick, he points his podgy finger at a small building attached to The Prince of Wales hospital and says to the tour guide "See that hospital building over there? Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger". The tour guide says "I'm not surprised mate. That's the obesity wing"
.

ORSM VIDEO

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'WE'RE FUCKING DONE!" - BAD BREAK UP STORIES

The problem with a relationship ending is that usually one half of the couple has passed the point of giving a fuck about their soon to be Ex. This means breaking their heart or callously stomping on feelings isn't that hard and maybe even a little bit enjoyable. Ahh emotional detachment you wicked, wicked beast. There's some absolute crackers in this lot. Check 'em...

-We were on our fourth date at a fancy restaurant - his suggestion. Had a lovely time: lots of wine, nice food, etc. When the bill came, he suggested we should guess the total and whoever got closest had to pay. Bit weird, but OK. I guessed £150 and 'won' the game, at which point he told me he had forgotten his wallet. My most expensive break up to date.

-Uprooted and moved across the country with the guy, realised after the fact just how dependent he was on his parents for EVERYTHING. They basically controlled his life because he didn't have a real job and lived off of their money. He spent ridiculous amounts of cash on stupid stuff like his train modelling hobby, but they somehow blamed me for all of his failures instead of him (despite me landing freelance work then a full-time job within three months of quitting my job and moving with no job prospects). He came home from a trip to see them two days before New Year's Eve and told me they gave him an ultimatum: me or their money. He chose the money. I had to live in the apartment for another two months, sleeping on the sofa bed, while he moved another girl in. Ugh. My fuck buddy and I broke his couch bed, though, so it wasn't all bad in the end.

-He got drunk after a 5K on St. Patrick's Day, left five minutes before I got there to walk home. He was apparently blackout drunk by this point. On the way home, he (for whatever reason) decided to make a stop at a lawyer's office and break in. He caused over $30,000 worth of damage and threatened the arresting officers with a printer. He was convicted of a felony, dishonourably discharged from the military and I supported him through it all because I loved him. And then he decided to move back home (since he wanted his mom to support him financially), broke up with me, and less than a month later was dating a high school girl. Oh, and he took the dog we got together and that I had helped pay for and train. There was nothing I could do, because he had gotten the dog micro-chipped in his name.

-Dumped on a train platform by my university boyfriend. I was getting on the train home for the summer holiday and said "See you in a week" as he was coming down to visit. He replied "Err, no you won't" as the conductor blew his whistle and yelled at me to get on the train. I cried the whole five-hour journey home. A few months later he rang my mum to say he had made a mistake. She replied "Yes you have".

-I dated a guy for a few months. One day, he stopped returning my texts/calls. He told me he was having "family trouble" and couldn't talk. This went on for a few days until I found out the real reason he wasn't talking to me: - he was waiting for his breakup postcard to arrive in my mailbox. That's right. He broke up with me via A POSTCARD.

-He walked out while I was in the shower and I never saw or heard from him again. Fuck you, Mike.

-My first relationship lasted five years, during which my boyfriend explained that he needed to be with someone for five years before he knew if it was going to last. He had mentioned multiple times that he would propose on our fifth anniversary. Day comes around, he takes me to dinner, then to the location of our first kiss. Where he proceeds to break up with me.

-A month into a relationship, in the middle of intercourse. Then he told me not to cry because I was a beautiful person. Shut the fuck up dude.

-I was 18 (this was in 2002) working for $5.50 an hour at the grocery store part time and in college. I saved up for about six months to take my girl at the time to Red Lobster for Valentine's Day. I threw on a tux, drove about 40 miles to get her, and her mom said that she wasn't there...and that I should just go back to my dorms. She never hit me back that day. The next day she called me back and said she didn't want to see me again and hung up. I bought myself a video game with the money that I was going to spend on her dinner.

-There was the guy that broke up with me JUST before I met his parents, and I had to sit through lunch with them for 3 hours afterward. Then I got the bus home.

-In a general conversation about break ups, my girlfriend of over a year mentioned that she was scared to dump people straight out so she phased them out. Fast-forward a few months, my girlfriend is getting distant, saying she is slammed at work. I take her out for lunch and she is acting strange. After a drawn out conversation, I ask outright if she wants to break up. She is adamant that she doesn't, adding that she doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't know what to do. I had to break up with her and was in floods of tears. Fair play: she told me exactly what she was going to do, then did it. I was too in love with her to realise.

-We had dated for a while and talked about getting married. After a couple months of future planning we decided to go look at rings. The next night after looking at rings, he showed up at my house, knocked on the door, gave me a hug and kiss, looked deep into my eyes, and said "I think we should break up".

-I had a pretty important test in school and she ended it right before I went in, fucked me over. Fuck you Melissa, I know you did it on purpose.

-Nearly two months into the relationship, we were working a high school reunion and these two guys I knew showed up to volunteer. Naturally, we, as the youngest people there, starting chatting and whatnot. The party had just started and I was the starting runner for the night, so I was chilling by the buffet tables while my ex and the others worked the buffet. At one point, I looked over at him and noticed that he was visibly irritated that I had male company. I shrugged it off, knowing that these guys were just acquaintances. Upon returning to our room, he took his laptop and went down to the lobby. I followed him down a bit later, under the assumption that maybe we'd watch stupid videos or something. Instead, he opened Notepad and started typing. I don't remember what was written exactly, but we had a back and forth silent breakup through a freaking word processor. A WORD PROCESSOR. We were sitting next to each other.

DOUBLE BLOW JOBS: 30 PENISES ACHIEVING THIER LIFE GOALS

DOUBLE BLOJE 02

Previously on Orsm: DOUBLE BLOJE #1 - MORE >>

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

 A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth... but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table". The man calmly looked up at her and said "No, unfortunately, she just walked in".

PIGTAILS, PONYTAILS AND OTHER STYLES NAKED GIRLS WEAR THEIR HAIR

PIGTAILS 02

Previously on Orsm: PIGTAILS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

BAD BREAK UP STORIES [CONTINUED]

-I had to break up with my ex over text. I felt horrible about it, but I would text him "Hey" every two or three days and get nothing. The minute I texted "I really care about you but I'm pretty sure you don't care about me, so sorry but I have to break up with you" he texts back - and I am not kidding - "K" in less than two seconds. It was the fastest interaction we had ever had.

-We went out to a wanky club for my girlfriend's 30th but I wasn't happy. Ended up in the loos with my mate, confessing that I planned to end it but didn't want to ruin my girlfriend's birthday. Of course, in the stupid wanky club, the loos were unisex. My girlfriend was in a cubicle and heard everything. She broke up with me on the spot and I ruined her birthday after all.

-He used to make me these mix CDs filled with love songs. He signed them all 'Love' in blue sharpie marker. I played them until they skipped. Then he started getting weird. He once told me my go-go boots made me look like a streetwalker. He'd stand me up on our coffee dates, then accuse me of not showing up saying he'd waited for an hour. When he made me buy my own Jr. Mints at the movies, I knew it was coming to an end, but when he showed up with a mix CD with Billy Bragg's 'A Lover Sings,' well... that was the official end of the road. "You and I are victims of a love that lost a lot in the translation" was the lyric that did it. He stopped calling, stopped emailing. We touched base a few years back, had an awkward and sad kind of lunch, and haven't spoken since.

-I had been with a man for a few months when he proposed. It was quick but I was head over heels. We got engaged and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. That bumped up our wedding plans. Got married, and two months later I caught him in bed with a 19-year-old. Being pregnant, I was scared of being alone, didn't know what to do, but after trying to work it out for a year, I divorced him.

-I was 17 and dating this guy, D, who was lovely but who I didn't fancy. Then there was E, the local bad boy who I definitively did fancy. Being in the countryside, our social life consisted of meeting in the park and drinking. One Friday we were in a massive group. There was a lull in the conversation so I turned to D. "Sorry D, you're dumped. It's not working". And I strode over to E and snogged him. After a few months of dating E, I'd realised he was a) beautiful and b) intensely stupid. I needed to dump him. We sat on a bench, I told him it was over and then watched in horror as the village bad boy started to sob. As I started to walk home, he yelled "Hannah I love you! Babe, don't leave me I love you". His voice echoed across the village green as I hurried home with my head down.

-I dated a guy for a year and we spent our anniversary together. The day after, I went to visit my family for a week. He had ignored all of my texts for the week, and I couldn't get a hold of him so I called his house phone on my last day to see if I could see him on my way back. His dad answered (he lived at home) and told me that my boyfriend had moved to New York to live with his sister (we live in Michigan). I asked a few of his friends if they knew anything. They told me that he had been planning on moving for the last five months, with a predetermined date set. As if that wasn't bad enough, one of them asked why I was upset. Confused, I asked why he'd think that I wouldn't be upset. He responded by saying that my boyfriend had told him that we had broken up four months ago. He didn't even think we were together, and thought we were still just close.

-A guy, hurt that I asked to take it slow, sulked for a month, then decided to take me out to dinner on Valentine's Day, showed up an hour and a half late, no apology, took me to a restaurant, didn't talk much, and when the bill came, hesitated about paying then walked out without giving me a hug. The whole thing was to make a point that he was breaking up with me and not the other way around. Then after about six months, he started texting me every single Thursday for a year. Never once asking me out but always saying something bizarre like "Hey, I saw a squirrel and thought of you" or "Hey do you know President Obama? So do I". Then he asked me out... on April Fool's Day. Yep. As a joke.

-I was dating this guy for three years, and things were getting pretty serious. He had already bought an engagement ring, and he bought me a promise ring for my 21st birthday. Things started to get rocky when he told me he wanted to go to three to four video game competitions a year. As we were getting more serious, I was thinking about the future and what that money could go to, and he just wanted to continue to play video games professionally. An hour later, he broke up with me, saying "Video games are my biggest dreams, and this is my biggest opportunity, and this is what I want to do and this is who I am". I gave him back all his stuff. Now, he won't give me back my Pyrex dish, or my T-shirts because he just doesn't want to. A breakup, all because of video games. And, all I want is my Pyrex dish back.

-A game of hangman. "I want to be single" was the phrase that I had to guess. Needless to say I cried while walking 3 miles home.

-We were constantly breaking up and getting back together for the three years we dated. The worst breakup was when he texted me unexpectedly "I can't do this anymore". I called him and he wouldn't pick up the phone so I drove over to his place. That's when I realised he had packed up all his stuff and started the thousand-mile drive back to our home state when he texted me.

-My sister got broken up with in her birthday card. Yeah, he gave her a birthday card in which he writes "I want to break up". It happened in middle school. Later that day our brother and I pushed the guy around a bit.

-She had her step sister call my parents phone (didn't have a cell phone then) to break up with me. Except my dad answered so she told him it was over. He simply said "I think you want to talk to my son". Looking back I think it's hilarious.

Delcious sauces: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a retiring doctor. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains "I've been a little sick to my stomach ". The older doctor says "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you're eating and see if that does the trick".

As they left, the younger man said "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick".

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind I think I'll try that at the next house".

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said "I'm feeling terribly run down lately ".

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church" the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps". As they left, the elder doctor said "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

PEOPLE WHO DRANK WAAAAAY TOO MUCH AND DEFINITELY REGRETTED IT

DRUNK 10

DRUNK PEOPLE previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the gals. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled "Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club".

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again" I said "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 22

OLDER SHITE: 15th March - 8th March - 1st March - 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister are all killed instantly in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, they are stopped by St. Peter who advises them that they must pass a short quiz to enter.

Peter asks the rabbi "Who was the first man?" Rabbi replies "That's an easy one - Adam!"

And with that, the organ plays a triumphant melody, blue birds chirp and fly around, cherubim flit back and forth, flowering vines emerge from the ground, the gates swing open, and the rabbi walks in. Then, everything becomes quiet - the birds and cherubim disappear, the vines withdraw. All is silent.

Peter solemnly turns to the priest "Who was the first woman?" Priest replies "That's an easy one! Eve!"

Again, the organ plays a triumphant melody, blue birds chirp and fly around, cherubim flit back and forth, flowering vines emerge from the ground, the gates swing open, and the priest walks in. Then, everything becomes quiet - the birds and cherubim disappear, the vines withdraw. All is silent.

Finally, Peter turns to the Baptist minister, who is confidently rocking back and forth on heel to toe and smiling. With a sly grin, Peter says "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The Baptist minister frowns, grows quiet, applies his fingers to his brow, and thinks. Then he mumbles "That's a hard one..."

And the organ plays a triumphant melody...

CHANGING ROOM SELFIES AKA "DO MY TITTIES LOOK GOOD IN THIS?"

CHANGING ROOM SELFIES 09

CHANGING ROOM SELFIES previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.

"Imagine that, Morty" she says "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking just like that. Now that's what I call will power. Something that you definitely don't have!"

But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking. Another example of the kind of will power that you don't have".

"OK, Sadie" said Morty "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman".

Morty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out "What do you want?" Sadie replies "Err... Marvin has started smoking again".

BIKINI BABES WASHING CARS 👌

BIKINI CARWASH

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial! Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale, in 'Alligator Alley' with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator, which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest, because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible".

AT LEAST SHE KNOWS HER PLACE!

MELIKA

Previously on Orsm: ALESSANDRA - HOLLY - IVETA - MARTINA - ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - ALICE - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Better than a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really good choc milk.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Pre-Easter weekend. It doesn't really mean anything to next weeks update I just wanted to write a longish sentence and have you read it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will ejaculate on to a baking tray, put the tray into the oven at very low eat to dry it out, grind the remaining substance into a fine powder and sell it to you as 'high grade cocaine'. Ray's cum smell will be in your nose for hours.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the fi??rst thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and talk to me about something/ANYTHING else. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.03.15-19.52
ALESSANDRA

Welcome to I met a girl, we ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.

If Facebook is anything to go by, there are a lot of sad and struggling people this week. Me - I'm doing okay; I'll pull through. After all I didn't know Stephen Hawking. Not like so many others though. Wow the heartfelt messages which clearly came from a place of deep sorrow were truly moving. Seriously though - how many people who felt it necessary to post a tribute to the great theoretical physicist knew one thing about him except that he was really smart and was often referenced in pop culture? Or knew any of his theories? Knew the name of the condition he suffered? Knew what his nationality was? Happy to admit I can't answer any of those and I'll bet most can't either. Yet it's a fantastic opportunity to get some likes right? Honestly if there are two things I could stamp out to make the world a better place it would be 1) people paying tribute to someone/something that means literally nothing to them and 2) people who misuse the word literally to emphasise something. #grumble

Let's get on with the update. I'm feeling good about this one and that's because it's true to everything that is Orsm - the chicks, the vids, the jokes, the few solid minutes of entertainment that is an escape from all the cunts in our lives. Check it...

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about".
--
Two old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their love lives. One told the other "I had sex with a 30-year-old three times last night!" "Wow" his friend said "you must be using that Viagra". "Nope" the man replied "I know a secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can make love for hours. The second man dashed off to the nearest grocery store and bought eight loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said "That's a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you're done eating it all". "Well, I'll be damned" the man said. "Does everybody know about this but me?"
--
Three bushies were sitting around a campfire one night when one bloke started complaining about his useless cattle dog. "I'd give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command" he spat. "Watch this". The bloke commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. The second bushie said "Give me a go". He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust. The third bushie stands up and says "I'll take that $100". Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells "Get out of there, boy!"
--
Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off". The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast". The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out".
--
A couple is lying in bed. The man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says "I'll miss you".
--
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind". "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
--
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
--
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
--
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

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Teen 'Stretched'We Like It Ratchet And Nasty And That’s Exactly What Happened. Stretch Was Beating That Pussy Until It Was Swollen, And She Can Only Walk Bow Legged. She Was Taking His BBC And He Was All Dick Deep In Her Tight Pussy. - It Gets WorseMeet Scott Taylor. Today Scott Is A Well-Respected Porn Mogul, But That Wasn't Always The Case. Flashback To The Glory Years Of 1985 And Witness The Billy Mays Of Penis Pump Salesmen. - Fukn AnimalsFull Version Of That Elderly Woman Gang Attack - She's 49!Back In The 90's. Helena Christensen Was One Of The Hottest Models. She's 49 Now And By The Look Of Her Still Travelling Very Well. - Sarah's SlipSarah Hyland Nipple Slip At The iHeartRadio Awards 2018 - Jessica RabbitBlondie Fesser Stars As Jessica Rabbit In This Porn Parody From Vrcosplayx! - Star Wars SexHow Did These Epic Star Wars Sex Scenes Not Make The Final Cut? George Lucas Really Screwed Us Didn't He!? - Deep ButtsexHot Deep Anal With Bailey Blue

InhumanityCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Reddit BabesPhun.Org Presents Girls Of Reddit [Part 5] - Girl BonerProof That Girls Get Boners Too - Going At ItJust Your Typical Drunk Night Out At The University Of Oklahoma! - Bad/WorseBoy Is Her Day About To Go From Bad To Worse - MagnificentI Just Found My Jerk Off Material For The Next Week!!!! - Extreme SexCrazy Couple Fucks While Hanging From Cliff - Quality BodVeronika Klimovits Naked - PatheticWatch This And You'll Never Do Street Drugs Again. I Promise - PhunnyPhun's Phunny Pictures DCCII

Incest PornWelcome To The "Donnie Darko" Of Incest Porn, Where Daddy Is Either A Psychological Terrorist And A Rapist - Or A Hero? It's All Left Up For Interpretation - Cooking NudeJada Cooking In The Nude! - Blatant NipMary Carey Boob Pops Out Grabbing Gas - I Want ButtsPhun's Bonus Butts Dump #129 - Brazilian BabeBrazilian Girls Gets Torn In Half - Going SoloAll 12 Inches? Consider Me Impressed! - Do It Babe!Thank God He Crammed His Cock Into This Stupid Bitch's Mouth - Would U?They Call Her 'Patches'... And Now We Know Why! - Full RetardEverything About This Porn Clip Is Full Retard. The Acting, The Premise, The Fact Someone Came Up With It In The First Place. Watch And Be Annoyed/Disgusted/Entertained/Appalled.

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room. Mum says with a smile "Why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing".
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Paddy tells his wife "My bumhole is really burning, I've no idea what it is?" "Ring sting" his wife says. Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"
--
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's okay. The drunk replies by asking "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
--
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts "Can't you see I'm winning!"
--
Doctor asks a guy "So what's your problem?" He says "It's a bit embarrassing but I was having a wank... and my knob fell off". Doc says "Don't worry - with micro surgery it will be as good as new in a week". Then the doc asks "Did you bring it with you?" The guy pulls it out of his pocket. Doc says "That's a marshmallow!" Guy says "Can't be! I ate the last one on the way here!"

ORSM VIDEO

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up a very beautiful woman at the wheel.

She asked "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head".

"That's nice of you" I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?".

"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess".

STIMULATING THE BUTTHOLE

ANAL STIMULATION

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning".

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet".

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why".

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident".

My father taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about".

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper".

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone".

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it".

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do".

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home".

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way".

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father".

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

PERVING ON MUMS - YOU *KNOW* YOU DO IT

PERVING ON MUMS 04

Previously on Orsm: PERVING ON MUMS #3 - PERVING ON MUMS #2 - PERVING ON MUMS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO: THE WHY FLYING IS SAFER THAN DRIVING EDITION

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful" he said. The blonde puts her driver away and says "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little".

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly". The blonde frowns and says "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt".

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive".

Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night".

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup".

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup".

The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts" she said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.

"So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?" "No" replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes" said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him "Well, did you see?" "Yes" he said "but why the hell did you have to show her yours". "Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough". "I know" he said "but the dart team hadn't!"

smiling - its infectious. nudity is also pretty FUCKING great too....

HAPPY GIRLS 04

Previously on Orsm: HAPPY GIRLS #3 - HAPPY GIRLS #2 - HAPPY GIRLS #1 - MORE >>

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out

"I thought I told you to call your mum!" she said. "I did" he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 15

OLDER SHITE: 8th March - 1st March - 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - 1st February - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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As a trucker stops for a red light. A blonde pulls up next to him, jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!" shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the salt truck...!!"

45 times no one gave a shit about sAFEty

WORK SAFE 04

Previously on Orsm: WORK SAFE #3 - WORK SAFE #2 - WORK SAFE #1 - MORE >>

A Somali arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr Aussie for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no English, I flom Vietnam!"

The Somali chap continues on, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not Aussie!"

He finally sees a nice lady and cautiously asks "Are you an Australian citizen?" She says "No, I am from Romania!" He is puzzled, and asks her "Where are all the Aussies?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says "Probably at work".

RUB-A-DUB-DUB HERE'S SOME TASTY CHICKS IN THE TUB

BATHTIME 08

Previously: BATH #7 - BATH #6 - BATH #5 - BATH #4 - BATH TIME #3 - BATH #2 - BATH #1 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

There's this girl, she is five. She goes spying on her big sister when she hears her cussing out her boyfriend, saying "You mother fucking arsehole!"

Just then Jill, that's the little girl, interrupts them talking and blurts out "Big sis, what does arsehole mean? Her big sis, surprised by the question, says "BOYFRIEND!"

So the girl runs off onto the bathroom. Jill sneaks up on her dad while he is shaving and says "BOO!" Dad says "Shit!" So the girl asks her dad "What does 'shit' mean?" "Shaving cream" he stammers. "Okay" she says and goes about her day.

Jill then runs into her mum, who is in the kitchen carving a chicken. Her mum is startled when Jill comes in and cuts her hand! "Fuck!" she shouts. So Jill ask "What does 'fuck' mean mumma?" Scrambling for an answer, mum says "Cutting".

All of the sudden, the doorbell rings. Jill answers and sees her dad's boss at the door. He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is?" And she says "Well, my sister's talking to her arsehole, my mum is fucking the chicken and my dad is wiping the shit off his face".

LOOKING CLOSELY AT HER... I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE I'D BEGIN!

ALESSANDRA

Previously on Orsm: HOLLY - IVETA - MARTINA - ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - MORE >>

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Every single Orsm update ever delivering every possible emotion.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Have I mentioned this before...?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will poison you with a nerve agent. Its happened before and believe me - it will happen again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pass the ice pipe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.03.08-19.51
HOLLY

Welcome to hit it or quit it.

Slowly but surely catching up. All it took was sitting in front of the computer day and night for the entire long weekend. A few more like it and I'll reclaim my life and possibly even start writing stuff at the top here. Okay maybe an overstatement - shit isn't quite THAT extreme. I did manage to escape a couple of times for a couple of things. The first was a mate's 40th birthday party. Watched a comedian thing recently in which he joked that after a certain age all anyone talks about at parties is their gluten intolerance. Funny but we're not there yet. The entire night was basically two subjects: 1) kids; and 2) "Remember when..." Tony Sopranos said "'Remember when' is the lowest form of conversation". That could well be right but fuck, it's a party - you're there to have a good time with people you hardly ever see anymore, not solve the world's problems. The next outing was breakfast with friends. Standing by the playground afterward watching our kids run around, one of the Married At First Sight brides walks up and sits at a nearby bench. Out comes the phone and then a conversation anyone could hear about comments being made on Instagram, followed by a slow walk past the strip of busy cafes. It all stunk so painfully of attention whoring... which makes me cringe because I'm more of the sit quietly in the shadows type; don't love attention. Different strokes eh? Oh and yep I do watch that shit. Kinda sorta very, very loosely knew of some of the participants last season and got addicted to watching humanity at narcissistic worst.

Alright that went a tad longer than expected. Was only supposed to be "Welcome to blah. Remember the time I..." and then slide into the update. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce". "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
--
A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock". The blonde scratches her head and says "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get different answer!"
--
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
--
Q: How can you tell an extroverted accountant? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
--
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful, young, blonde woman carrying a child. She started walking slowly toward the pastor. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The blonde replied "We can't hear at the back".
--
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts "That's just for starters!"
--
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now". The Mexican man pleads with them "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks, then says "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"

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Hoodslut SlammedJust A Cute Hood Bitch And I Luv These Type Of Hoes! One Thing I Liked About Her, She Was Real Down To Earth Type Of Bitch. She Was Down For Whatever And Didn't Give A Fuck! - Bullied MidgetThe 70's Were A Special Time In History Where No One Gave A Fuck. Smoking In Hospitals, Untamed Pubes, Sexually Harassing Midgets At The Workplace, And Faking A Cum Shot With A Limp Penis And Shampoo? No Problem. Nothing Was Sacred. - Painful BJHow Do You Fuck Up A Blowjob So Badly? This. This Is How - SickeningPerceived Feminism From Attention Seeking Fame Whores Blows My Mind... - Upskirt SlitPixie Lott Panty Upskirt On The Red Carpet @ The Brit Awards - UnfknblvblBusty Babe Alisa I Is Naked And Taking A Bath In These New Pics! She Looks......... VERY Nice. - What's PopCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Sorority SlutYOLO Sorority Girl Gets Drunk And Then... Well Its Kinda Great. - Deep Up InJayda Diamond Screams In Pain From 14 Inches Of Black Mamba Snake

Phunny ShitLooks Like We Have A Phunny Situation Here - Finish Him!Moral Of The Story Is: Stay Off The Fucking Roads In Thailand ! - Teen Torn UpYoung Braced-Face Teen Gets Her Shit Torn Up - Innocence LostInnocent Teenager Has A Painful Epiphany... BBC Anal! - Got Nun?Who Says Nuns Have No Fun - BBC ButtsexDon't Worry - In A Few Days She'll Be Sitting And Shitting Normally. Probably. - LumpyMy Man, It's Time To See A Doctor.... Or A Veterinarian. - WhackedCold Blooded Machine Gun Execution In Restaurant - Big IdiotsGuaranteed The Four Biggest Idiots You'll See Today. - BizarroRemember To Walk Your Pets Twice A Day

InhumanityCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Full ServiceDillion Harper Is Here To Provide You With A Full Service Which Includes Sweeping, Her Getting Naked And Then Sucking Your Dick!! - *D-A-M-N*Sara Underwood Naked And Wet - Joanna's VagJoanna Krupa Nude Photoshoot - Unsatisfied?Guy Finds Out Hooker Is A Tranny After They Fucked - Dream GirlIn Berlin... Pony Up Enough Cash And You Can Get The Girl Of Your Dreams! - WhorishThat's Not Way To Treat A Skank Ho - *FART*Nothing Says 'I Love You' Like Sniffing Farts!!? - Good GirlNow That's How You Treat A Real Lady - Butt DumpPhun's Bonus Butts #124

I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She is still too young to understand what I was doing, though.
--
One day Nick's wife asked him "What will he do if she were to die". Nick replied "I'll also die". She asked him "Why?" Nick replied "Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness".
--
Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers on both hands. He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do". "I haven't got the fingers". Scott replied. The doctor said "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?" "Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up".
--
His girlfriend's father was interviewing Young Charles. "So" said that impressive personage "you want to be my so-in-law, do you?" "Not particularly" said Charles tactlessly "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Obviously she was devastated and extremely angry. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me!? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened". "Fine, go ahead" she sobbed" but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments".

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight".

"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste".

"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same".

The husband took a quick breath and continued "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

ITS POSSIBLE TO HATE EDM BUT STILL LOVE THE GIRLS

RAVER BABES 03

Previously on Orsm: RAVER BABES #2 - RAVER BABES #1 - MORE >

A notorious womaniser left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, doctor?" "We've run every test we know to confirm the findings" he said gravely "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis!"

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" "I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you". "I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!" "There's more" said the doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems".

"Will I go blind, doc?" said the man. "No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes".

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?' "

The pro says "Lack Of Fucking Talent".

DEF GOING TO FEEL DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHILST i LOOK AT EVERY PIC IN THIS CREEPING GALLERY

DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP 05

Previously on Orsm: CREEPING #4 - CREEPING #3 - CREEPING #2 - CREEPING #1 - MORE >

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

MUSIC AND MUSICIAN TRIVIA

Do you know what you need more of? Let me tell you: random music trivia. How do I know this? Because I'm stalking you and your family. Enjoy the triv...

-The Beastie Boys' album "License to Ill" was originally titled "Don't Be a Faggot" but it was changed when Columbia Records refused to release the album under that title.

-Elvis Presley's house Graceland was named after original owner SE Toof's daughter, Grace. It is the second most visited private residence in the United States outside the White House.

-The only guy in ZZ Top who doesn't have a beard is Frank Beard.

-David Gilmour recorded the last two Pink Floyd albums on his Surrey, UK, houseboat studio, the Astoria. The boat can accommodate a 90-piece orchestra on the top deck and was built by Fred Karno, 'inventor' of the custard-pie-in-the-face gag and manager of Charlie Chaplin.

-The Oxford English Dictionary cites The Beastie Boys as being responsible for coining the term "mullet" in 1994 to refer to the popular 1980's hairstyle.

-Lemmy of Motorhead's first band were called The Rockin' Vickers. They were the first British band to play behind the so-called 'Iron Curtain' when they visited Yugoslavia in 1965.

-The Beastie Boys used to open for themselves in disguise as a heavy metal band.

-Arab Strap's third album is called Elephant Shoe. Elephant Shoe is a phrase mumbled by nervous teenagers who don't want to say "I love you" to girls. Say it out loud and you'll see it makes the same mouth shapes.

-Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" spent 741 weeks on the billboard charts, from 1973 to 1988, longer than any other album.

-Bon Scott liked the Young Brothers, but thought they were too inexperienced and too young to rock. The Young Brothers replied with saying Scott was too old to rock. But after one jam session with each other, it was obvious AC/DC found its new lead singer.

-Before settling on ex-Scream member Dave Grohl, Nirvana went through five drummers: Aaron Burckhard (1987-1988), Dale Crover (1988 and 1990), Dave Foster (1988), Chad Channing (1988-1990) and Dan Peters (1990).

-Freddie Mercury is celebrated in Iran, a country where homosexuality is illegal, and Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" was the 1st rock song officially approved post-revolution since he calls for God in Arabic ("Bismillah! We will not let you go") to help regain his soul from Shaitan.

-Queen's guitarist, Brian May, has a PhD in Astrophysics.

-The famous synth motif from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind was played on an ARP 2500 which is a monophonic analogue modular synthesizer.

-The famous Rolling Stone cover shot of a naked John Lennon curled against Yoko Ono was taken by Annie Leibovitz at the same apartment complex and on the same day Lennon was fatally shot.

-Red Hot Chili Pepper John Frusciante once planned to audition for Frank Zappa - until he found out about Zappa's strict 'no-drugs' rule for his band.

-The Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync had the same manager and he defrauded both of them out of millions of dollars.

-The Clash's original drummer Terry Chimes was cured of 'serious arm pain' in 1985 by Black Sabbath's personal chiropractor. After touring with Sabbath in 1987/88, the drummer set up Chimes Chiropractic and has over 30,000 patients on file. They also do acupuncture.

-Jon Bon Jovi has a community restaurant that has no prices listed for the food. You pay for it if you can afford to or volunteer in the kitchen in exchange for meals.

-David Bowie had a lizard tattooed on his ankle.

-None of Elvis's films got nominated for Oscar, but he did win three Grammy Awards - for his gospel recordings.

-The oldest artist to top the UK singles chart was Louis Armstrong (aged 66 years and 10 month) in 1968 with What A Wonderful World.

-The producer recording "Sweet Child O' Mine" with Guns n' Roses suggested there be a breakdown at the end of the song. The band had no idea where to take the song, resulting in the iconic repetition of "Where do we go now?"

-Pink Floyd performed under various monikers in their early years, including Tea Set, Sigma 6, The Screaming Abdabs and Leonard's Lodgers after their landlord Mike Leonard.

-System of a Down, The Beatles, Guns 'N Roses, 2Pac and DMX are the only artists to have ever had 2 studio albums debut at #1 in the same year.

-In an official PR biography, Martial arts actor Steven Segal once claimed to have played guitar with John Lennon.

If ytou loved that and missed the first time Music Trivia got a run you can find in in the Orsm Archives here, here and here.

FINISH THIS SENTENCE: "SMALL BOOBS ARE..."

SMALL BOOBS 09

GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Mountie. "Carburettor's frozen" was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out". "Can't". "Okay, watch me and I will show you. Then you'll know how to do it the next time it freezes on you".

The constable 'lubricated' the carburettor, as promised. The bike started right up and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment officers' Commander received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began:


"On behalf of my daughter, who recently was aided by one of your Officers while stranded... my sincere thanks go out..." etc etc.

MORAL: never assume just because the rider has pants on, it is also a male rider!

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!

Amber, A 16-year-old Catholic girl, goes to confession.

Amber: "I called a boy a mother fucker last night".
Priest: "Why did you do that?"
Amber: "He kissed me".

The priest bent over and kissed her.

Priest: "Like that?"
Amber: "Yes".
Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?"
Amber: "No, then he grabbed me butt".

The priest grabbed her butt.

Priest: "Like this?"
Amber: "Yes".
Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?"
Amber: "No, then he pulled my pants down".

The priest then pulled her pants down.

Priest: "Like this?"
Amber: "Yes".
Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?"
Amber: "No, then he took off my panties, and put his you-know-what in my you-know-where".

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.

Priest: "Like this?"
Amber: "Yes".
Priest: "Is that why you called him a mother fucker?"
Amber: "No".
Priest: "Then why did you call him a mother fucker?"
Amber: "He had herpes!"

Priest: "That MOTHER FUCKER!"

SWEET! IT'S UGG SEASON ALREADY!

UGG BOOTS

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too... with sprinkles". And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad". And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said "It is good". And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created the public health system.

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 08

OLDER SHITE: 1st March - 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - 1st February - 25th January - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term 'doing the laundry' to use in place of 'having sex'. This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They 'did the laundry' five times! In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and 'do the laundry' with him again.

She gently shook him and said "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... we can do the laundry again if you want?" He replied "That's okay... it was a small load... I did it by hand".

be polits - only look at the covered areas

BIKINIS 10

GIRLS IN AMAZING BIKINIS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A man gets caught cheating on his wife and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mother's house. The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man's dick off and throws it out the window! The detached phallus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge.

The car is driven by a dad with his 9-year-old daughter in the passenger seat. The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says "Wow! Did you see the size of that bug!" The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies "That was a bug?" "It sure was" says the dad.

The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad "Well, it sure had a big dick!"

walk in to the batHroom and see this... what do you do?

HOLLY H

Previously on Orsm: IVETA - MARTINA - ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASS - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


Well wel welle...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They aren't racist. And they definitely didn't run that Indian guy over. [He fell all by himself].
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you believe nothing I say at least belive that.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will completely blindside you. 100%.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck vaginas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.02.29-20.11
IVETA

Welcome to morons... your bus is leaving.

Starting to become fucking impossible to catch up. This is on the back of weeks of battling to work ahead but it just isn't happening. Yet again the update is solid however it's late in the day and have simply run out of time to get a proper blog section written. And you guys know how I love to talk. It actually kind of hurts... not having a chunk of my words for people to scroll past in search of entertainment and porno. I've been smashing as many hours as possible chained to my PC whilst walking that line of QT with the fam as well as juggle social activity and, if I'm really lucky, a couple of minutes downtime playing GTA V on the PS4, FB'ing and PM'ing my BFF's, tending my relationship with the SO, not to mention the time it takes coming up with acronyms to use. *SIGH* I'll STFU now while you guys check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband". The big guy says "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick".
--
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool". His wife asks him "What are you watching?" Husband replies "Our wedding video".
--
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone. "Honey" she says in a worried voice "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that" he replies "There are hundreds of them!"
--
Recently a young woman came into my father's office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Gary, and his sister, Elizabeth".
--
Q. What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhoea? A. the oyster shucker shucks between fits.
--
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough" said the first boy "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week". "Well" said the second little boy "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day". "That's nothing" said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour".
--
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said "No. You'll have to do that yourself".
--
Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met Dave in the hallway. She said "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her" Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "No way!" his bride retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"
--
Donald Trump was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied "$200". To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was "$100". He then asked the redhead. Her reply was "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than in my apartment, and screw me the way you have all retirees, then it isn't going to cost you a damned cent tonight!"
--
What do u call a woman with no legs? Fanny Walker.
--
A frog telephoned the psychic hotline and was told "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you". The frog said "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No" said the psychic "Next term... in her biology class".

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Not So InnocentWhen I First Seen Her I’m Like Dammm... She Fine. Her Name Is Christy Love, She's 25 Years Old Mixed With Korean And White. Not Only Can She Swallow Dick, She Will Squirt Everywhere -Multiple Times- When Fucking Her Doggy Style. She's Just Real Nasty Asian Freak! - FucktardedWow, Being An Attention Whore Really Came Back To Bite This One In The Taint Eh? Hey, How About Next Time You Stick To Overdosing In The Laundry Aisle Like Everyone Else! - Rando VidsAmateur Porn That Looks Professional, Professional Porn That Looks Amateur. - Bad Role ModelRemember "Father Of The Year"? She's Taking It Further Now... Yikes. - GREAT TitsCaroline Vreeland's Grandmother Was Some Big Player In Early Vogue Magazine, Making Her A Fashion Icon By Default... All While Trying To Launch Her Music Career With Her Big Fucking Tits - Hint Of FlapKira Kosarin With No Panties In Red Dress - Rockin' BodSexy And Busty Singer Niykee Heaton Wore A Tiny Mesh Top On Instagram And She Sure Looks Sexy In It! - PervertedJerking Off At The Bus Stop??? Just Another Day In Tokyo! - So WrongThe Day Tom Got Brutalised

LOL LoserSuicide Bomber Fucks Up The 1 Job He Had - GoddessShe's One Of The Hottest Amateurs On The Internet, So Everything Else Doesn't Matter. Well Her Boobs Do, Obviously. - Deep AnalThe Face Of Humiliation... That Ass Took Beating! - Bath Batin'Girl Busted Getting Off In The Tub - 100% CockmeatHow Is This Possible... I Have NO WORDS! - Hidden CamHooker Gets Tapped On Hidden Cam - Fukn AnimalsLive Stream Viewers Cheer On Girl Getting Jumped - Beer Me!Madison Beer... The Name Is Slowly Becoming Known Cuz Of Those Hard Nipples. :-) - MultitaskingIt's Easy To See Why He Married Her - A Woman In The Living Room, A Chef In The Kitchen, A Prostitute In The Bedroom!

"Unhygienic"Wifey’s World House Sale Falls Apart Because Of All The Sex! - 19yo CameltoeElle Fanning Cameltoe In Tights - Broke HerTrying LSD For A First Time - Want Butts?Phun's Bonus Butts Dump #127 Go Go Go - An ArseholeGirls Who Love Assholes Deserve What They Get! - InhumanityCome For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Ball BusterNot The Way I Would Want To Get Off - Going SoloWTF... Why Would She Do THAT With Her Mum In The Room? - Holy Shit!!Dramatic Body Camera Video Captures Transit Cop Fatally Shooting A Man In The Back During A Street Fight

I just got a text from a girl saying "Myspacebarisbrokencouldyougivemeanalternative". Does anyone know the meaning of "ternative"?
--
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said "Only caught one, eh?"
--
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good - mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother".
--
When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. BUT... when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticised anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!
--
This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Shit!" he moaned "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".
--
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbours?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says the agent. "That's great!" says the actor "What is it?" "Well" says the agent "it's a one-liner" "That's okay" replies the actor "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions. "Yes, Hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant" says the director "You've got the job. Be here 9 o'clock tomorrow evening".

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite pub and goes on a major bender. One thing leads to another and next thing he knows its 8.30pm the next night - half an hour until show time! He runs to the theatre continually repeating his line: "Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar!"

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by a production assistant. "Who the hell are you?" asks the assistant. "I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're late! Get up to makeup straight away!"

So he runs up to makeup continually repeating his line: "Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're late! Sit down here" and she quickly begins applying the makeup. "Now quick! Get down to the stage, you're about to go on!"

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line: "Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar! Hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm 'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" "Get on there! The curtains about to go up!"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly from behind him comes an almighty. BANG!

The actor shouts "HOLY CRAP!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!"

GIVING HEAD SELFIES = WINNING

GIVING HEAD SELFIES

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said "Honey? Please, just one more time before I die". She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

ORSM VIDEO


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One time whilst away in faraway places I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said "Go ahead, but let me know how it is". After a few minutes I said "It's not bad but a bit loose". She said "Get off for a moment".

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates. "Try it now" she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked "How do you manage to adjust its size to fit anyone?"

"Well" she said "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up".

40+ UPSKIRTS THAT WILL MAKE YOU GLAD TO BE A PERV

UPSKIRT 12

UPSKIRTS previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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ORSM VIDEO: THE WATER AND/OR STONE EDITION

THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up occasionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this". I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarised copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarised copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewellery to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbours can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately. I tell her simply "You're screwed". Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared. I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it".

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarised letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine".

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes".

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine".

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue - I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The moral of the story - get a vasectomy but keep it a secret!

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said "Rose, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favour - when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there". Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you".

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her "Barb, Barb".

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb it's me, Rose". "You're not Rose! Rose just died!" "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose" insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven" replied Rose. "I have some really good news, and a little bad news".

"Tell me the good news first" said Barb. "The good news" Rose said "is that there's softball in Heaven! Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again! Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired".

"That's fantastic" said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday".

BLACK CHICKS ARE HOTTER: TRUE OR FALSE??

BLACK GIRLS 07

BLACK GIRLS Previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect: 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over... the 'Tell me when we're having fun' kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage".

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving... even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees... somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw" he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift". "So, how'd you break your arm?"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 03 01

OLDER SHITE: 22nd February - 15th February - 8th February - 1st February - 25th January - 18th Janaury - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said. "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday... but I fish on Fridays!!"

POINTING IS NOT RUDE. HERE IS THE PROOF:

HARD NIPPLES 06

HARD NIPPLES previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Mortimer the Magnificent tried for ages to get into the circus. When Trevor's Traveling Carnival came to town, he begged and pleaded with the owner to watch his act.

The owner finally agreed. Mortimer stepped into the centre ring and began flapping his arms wildly, and within moments he rose off the ground. As he went higher and faster, he began to do all kinds of tricks: barrel rolls and loop-the-loops, swan dives and somersaults. After about 20 minutes of this, Mortimer floated back down to the ground and landed gracefully right in front of the circus owner.

The owner took a puff on his cigar and asked "So what else do you do besides bird impersonations?"

IVETA - NOT UST A PRETTY NAME... A PRETTY VAGINA TOO...

IVETA

Previously on Orsm: MARTINA - ABBY - VAL - CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASS - MORE >>

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Well... I err... the... ummm... oh whatever - read:

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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and embellish wildly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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