Do you ever get that feeling whilst you're doing an update that you just need to out do yourself? Make it bigger than ever before by going that extra mile? Well this week is one of those weeks and even though most of you reading this probably dont do updates I just thought I'd ask...
Anyways I'm happy to say that I finally managed a weekend away - admittedly it wasn't much and it's actually the first time I've been away for anything more than an over-niter in almost 4 years. What it all equated to was a good 48 hour period where I didnt even look at a computer. We left on the Friday around lunch time and withdrawl symptoms kicked early the next morning.
Showing true signs of internet addiction I began to wonder what may have happened in those 18 hours... maybe there was something huge in the news I was missing... ICQ messages... what if something had broken on the site... or worst of all, maybe I had an important email waiting for me. I had to get online.
As I walked up the main drag in Margaret River almost 400kms from my computer I noticed a big shiny sign offering high speed internet access. It was my oasis in a communicationless desert of the cold, wet south. As I stood there in awe of this magical offering I realised that the reason I was so far away in the first place was to escape this madness. Calm flushed through my body and I walked away.
I spent the rest of the weekend just relaxing. We hit a few wineries, some dairy's, a brewery that didn't have a license that allowed them to serve alcohol [?] and drank a whole lot of scotch.
How things have changed though... as kids we used head down south every Easter and stay in shit hole caravans. Showers and toilets were communal to the rest of the caravan park and there was no mod cons - it was great fun. Nowadays things are different to say the least. We stayed in double story apartments with king-size beds, individual spa's, toilets and showers, dishwashers, cable TV and even heating/aircon. The funny thing is I think I actually preferred roughing it [if you will] like the old days. It makes you appreciate home so much more and you look forward to your own bed. Doing it in luxury takes the fun and adventure out of it and you lose that excited anticipation of coming home. I think next time I'll aim for cheap and shitty...
Despite my best efforts to resist I think it's safe to say I've been sucked in by Big Brother again this year. The whole thing started off looking like it was going to be worse than the last series but this week has proven me wrong. Seems this year they've actually stuck some decent people in the house but I really can not for the fuckin life of me figure out why the hell ANYONE would vote to have teenage hottie Leah evicted. I mean for fucks sake how often do you get to turn on your TV and see a tasty 18 year old showering naked and walking around with fuck all clothes on?
Secondly is Joanne who I mentioned last week. I don't think we'll ever see her dubbed an emotional powerhouse but so long as she keeps strutting around in a bikini and exposing herself randomly she should be retained to ensure viewer satisfaction.
Final favourite at the moment after seeing his actions this week is Ben. He has somehow managed in one way or another to bring complete unrest to the entire household as well as making 4 of the 5 girls cry all in one nite. This man is an Australian hero. How often has someone had the balls to go into the house and really play the game? The answer: never. Save Ben!!!
I've been busily working away over the last couple of weeks on all sorts of things. First up I would highly recommend checking out the chicks and stuff section of the site. It's getting fucking HUGE I tell ya! Click the links and be enlightened...
C & S: 1
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Next up is the Priceless vids section. 10 new ones added this week with 10 to be added next update and the update after that and hopefully the update after that too! Check the new ones here somewhere!
Some of you may even be suprised to note that there's 40 new ones of these things too. Latest additions can be found here and here with more to come in the next few weeks!
Also don't forget to check out the brand new Orsm.net chat. It's pretty fuckin cool - you dont need any special software installed except for Flash [which everyone already has anyway] and it's fast as all hell. Come check it.
This series of images was snapped off at Perth's very own Cottesloe Beach about 2 weeks ago. Decent storm that day - even managed to push a tree down at my place!
Many Names Of The Vagina - Spoon Guard - Ban Spoon Guard - Drug Taker - Flash Freaks
The Truth About Pedders Suspension - Why Semen Is Good For You - Communicating With Deaf Hookers
Some of you may be pleased to see we've done another Holly shoot for the site. I partnered up with a few other guys, found some decent cars and headed down to the Kwinana Motorplex. We shot a few decent cars and you guy's will see them along with the ever stunning Holly over the next few weeks. First car to be featured is Tim's GTS. Sweet...
THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet
knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick.
The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front.
There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero.
The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side - slow and steady. As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank."
Ever heard of Mimi McPherson? She's supermodel Elle's little sister. Not wanting to be left out it seems, a few years back she decided to step in front of the camera and do some modelling of her own and as luck would have it [for us] her boyfriend thought it wise to share the results with the world. What a Guy...
- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 1 -
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the senior partner who agreed, so he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,"
he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 . . . and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Soon, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the Government bury her!"
One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne. The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?" Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.
A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.
No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang once again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, "Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him dead.
A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."
Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams - Massive Mams
Massive Mams - Massive Mams
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Edinburgh. I spent some time there once and had the worst sex I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
Worth surfing this week are the sites you will find below... all of em far better than my site so make sure you stop by and check em out! By the way if you're a webmaster wanting your site linked click here.
Mental Ernie - Grape Shot - Lotza Porn - Sex Info 101 - Top Quality XXX - Drunk Cyclist - Peppellini Pines
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide, and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119..."
A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened... you were urinating and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked. "Nope."
"A Cake?" Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles." "No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
Subject: Some interesting pics
Since you always post such great pictures on your site I thought I would send you a few that you probably haven't seen. These are from Lake Havasu City, AZ, USA facing west. They are of a missile launched from Vandenburg Air Force Base in California and another missile shooting it down over the Pacific Ocean. These are three different shots over the last five years. Pretty awesome huh? Keep up the good work!
Subject: READ THE STORY FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by floating motionless in the water and allowing only the channel currents to carry her across. This unique feat has only been previously attempted on three occasions, all ending in failure. After her crossing, which took 2 days, 17 hours, and 43 minutes to accomplish, Miss Radford-St John said, "I never doubted for a moment that I would make it. I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It really is a dream come true for me."
These pics are from a hail storm that hit the Tarmoola Gold Mine (Leonora WA) on 17/02/2003.
Quite a tempest.
Hope you can use them.
Marshall Jackson wrote:
Subject: Interesting (read: disgusting) video
Earlier today I went to the recruiting office for the US Navy to find out information about joining. As part of standard procedure, they measured my height and weight to determine if I'm suitable for joining the military. As it turns out, I happen to be just over the maximum weight limit allowable and must lose about 8 pounds before going back. It was recommended to me to go to a health food store and purchase some chemical to cleanse my colon which should help me lose several pounds quickly.
When I got home, I did a search for this product, which led me to this site, and consequently to this video. The video is about 11-1/2 minutes long, and somewhat boring up until about 10-1/2 minutes through. Make sure you can hear what the narrator is saying. Yummy. Heres the site and heres the video. Unfortunately, the video is in shitty Real Video, but still viewable. Enjoy.
Thomas Mischke wrote:
Subject: Some Pics for you by me :-)
Hallo from Germany,
Two sorts of pictures enclosed for you.
The series of the burning car was taken last Monday at 4 o'clock in
the morning. Apperantly ignited by someone...
Shot by me half awake/half asleep.
the other one was taken on the Autobahn in Germany/Bavaria. Apperantly a
factory called "FAG". :-)
Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Big bore muzzle flash
The comments below come from a former chopper pilot...
Looks like an anti-tank gun. Story/rumor/history, when they were first testing a secret recoilless anti-tank gun 5-6 years ago, they shot a solid/non-exploding round at a soviet tank. They put a goat inside the to see the if it would survive. The round was traveling at such a speed that it went through the tank, with only a small hole to show for its effort. The contractors/inspectors wondered what went wrong. When the went to examine the tank up close, they found the inside of the tank covered with
blood, but no goat??? Everything not welded or severely tied down in the tank was sucked out the small hole on the other side of the tank, including the poor goat.
Subject: Typical NSW drivers
Hey Orsm-dude, If you're going to put these pictures up (highly likely due to their "holy shit" level of content) and say that they were from me, can you put my name down as GeO? I don't want the whole world to know i'm ethnic in case i get wankers emailing me shit.
Subject: German Air Force
This two pictures i found in my Mailbox.
Maybe you can use them.
It's a crash on a airfield by the German Air Force.
Thanks for the good pictures on your side.
Subject: scenes from class (kicks ass)
Hi. I often visit your site and think that this movie is perfect for yourcollection. Action take place in some high school in Poland. greetings. Adamek
On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call. "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy. "I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class. "Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.
In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, "Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I've got to get to her NOW!" The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?" "What the hell for?" asks the other. "Because that's MY dick you're holding!" says he.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading... a couple of minutes later he asked the priest. "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologised.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong... how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !""What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A Sunday-school teacher asked her class the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body do you think goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." And why is that, Suzie?" asked the teacher. Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
"Miss, miss ..your heart" shouted Alice. "Miss, no miss, it's your eyes" interupted Tommy. The teacher smiled and was just about to ask Alice, when little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him warily. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.
So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-Up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he's seven inches long and is always up."
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask, "Why do you call your man that," and she says, "Because he likes to mount me and to do me."
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say, "Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor," and she says, "Exactly!"
Jim and his blonde wife live in the country. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Jim's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Jims blond wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park........", then the electric power goes out. Jims blond wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Jim says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
One day little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher said we are going to play the guesing game. "Ok I have something round and orange in my lunch sack." The teacher sees Johnny with his hand up and calls on him.
"An orange" Johnny says. She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". "Ok lets try again. I have something round and red in my lunch sack". And again johnny has his hand up. So she calls on him again. He says "an apple".
She says "no, but I like the way your thinking". So at recess Johnny asks he teacher if he could play the geussing game with her. She says sure. "Ok I have something round, hard, and has a head on it in my pocket". She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She tells Johnny to head to the principals office, Johnny turns to go. Then the teacher stops him and says "by the way what did you have in your pocket?" He says "a quarter but i like the way your thinking".
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her last year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch conservative. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.
He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really havemany college friends because of all her studying.
He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".
After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again".
The young lady at the confessional: "Father, put it in my pussy!" "No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God." "Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" "No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host".
"So put it under my armpit!" "No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible". "OK, Father, then take it out of my ass cause it's hurting"
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
On the subject of drugs in tennis, the Williams sisters were recently discussing this in the warm-up room before a doubles match. "I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus. "Well," started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!" "Shit... like where?" asked Venus. "Like all over my balls!" replied Serena.
Well I think that pretty much wraps up another update. I'm totally thrashed after this one for some reason so I think I'll sleep in for the next couple of days.... not like I don't already but I wouldn't mind watching a few episodes of A Country Practice from start to finish for a change.
Anyways until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out one place I would rather be. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.