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Welcome to Orsm.net. That's because you're a Wookie.
Zdravo. How the hell are you guys this week? Me... good. Thankfully a lot less angry than I was last week and a lot more chilly. Screw winter. Screw winter and its stupid cold shit.
After more than seven weeks I am happy to announce that the 2007 Fridge Fiasco is finally over! I said last week if I didn't have something happening by Monday then I was going to cut my losses and just cough up for a new fridge. So come Monday morning I made my call to LG and re-explained the situation for the millionth time. The lady was quite helpful and after about ten minutes worked out the fax they had asked me for didn't arrive. I sent it again and received a letter today explaining the deal...
LG's policy is to reimburse pro-rata. In other words, whatever government agency decides this stuff has decreed a refrigerator should last at least seven years. Mine lasted five so divide what I paid for it by seven, multiply by the two years I never got and that's how much I'm getting a cheque for. Sounds fair to me and even better I can buy any brand fridge I want.
The sad/funny part is the trail of non-working luxuries [read: essentials] doesn't stop there - there's a whole bunch of other shit that's broken lately: my much loved coffee machine, my camera, the TV remote and DVD player... all within the last couple of months. Seriously what the fuck is it with the stuff in this place? Setting aside the fact that I'm a 20-something material boy [living in a material world], I just want shit to work, how it should and for a long time.
Any Sopranos fans out there? Only two episodes left until it's all over and I cant fucking wait. I've got a few theories which all involve death but I'm predicting a God Father III style ending in which Meadow or AJ get blown away. Anyone else got a decent theory? Whatever happens I just hope it isn't as lame as the Heroes season finale. Guess we'll see...
Moving on... I should probably cut to my 'me' wrap-up because as everyone knows and will attest to it's the only reason you guys comes here...
Friday night my sister calls. Says she's doing some cooking and I was welcome to come over for dinner. Sounded good so I head over and soon realise that it was me who was doing the cooking on account of a dinner party they were attending the next night. I can live with that I said... not everyone is as good in the kitchen as me [or Gordon Ramsay] so Iron Chef Orsm was happy to help. Anyway a couple of glasses of wine, some gossiping and several demonstrations of just how good I am later and it was a pretty relaxing Friday night all over.
Saturday kicked off with a bang. My PC has been running like a pig for a while so I decided to pull it apart and see if I could fix a few things. I replaced some cables, cable-tied, de-dusted everything and stuck it all back together and the damn thing just didn't want to start. It would run for a while then 'ting' shutdown. Extremely frustrating and even more so having to wait until Monday to get a replacement.
Saturday night was full of action. I fell asleep by 1am, woke up at 2am busting for a piss and then again at 3am with a phone call from mother dearest telling me to get over to hers URGENTLY! "What the!?" "I think someone is trying to break in!" "Call the cops... I'm on my way!!". With that I hung up, grabbed my brother and we bombed it there at record speed. Turned out someone had hurled a rock through the front window which, to a woman at home by herself, was terrifying. And why would someone do that? Absolutely no idea. All we know is that a neighbour heard kids run off laughing. Real funny...
Okay enough dribbling on. Let's get on with this because it's a bloody good one I assure you...
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Micheal Jackson is at the Neverland ranch with several young boys, and is frolicing in the hot tub with the group, when all of a sudden some sperm floats to the surface of the water, and Micheal says " OK, which one of you fellas farted".
--
I was out driving the other day and I ran into the back of another car. This little dwarf gets out, stomps up to my car and says "I aint happy!". So I said "I don't give a fuck, just tell me which one you are!?"
--
One day, long, long ago there was this girl who surprisingly, wasn't a headcase... but this was a long time ago... and it was just ONE day! The End.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
SNAPPIN' ONE OFF...
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
POWER DUMP POOPIE: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* - a poopie!
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READER MAIL
With the PC and email out of action all weekend I felt a bit disconnected from the world. It was also a bit deceiving how much email flooded in but as you guys will see below there was a tonne of it...
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and make the magic happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures
orsm hey whats up? Love the site been checking it out for awhile now. I finally got around to uploading some pics from my phone of this chick that I dated for about 8 months. She fucked with me so here's my revenge lol. Please dont post my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fw: Supporter Letter Football
You have to love the supporters. I hope you can use this. Cheers
I'm sure the Dreo Dockers get plenty of these letters as well... -Orsm
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Amber wrote:
Subject: joey
I have a pic here of a rare rainforest wallaby Joey I rescued from the pouch of his dead mum, tragic roadside accident.. Unfortunately the poor little bugger didn't make it thru the night, he was just a bit too little.. But they're ugly little critters at this stage aren't they? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: flipa-hoes
orsm, thanks for your site, it is in fact the shit. Just got back from the PI and thought you might like these pics from an orgy as it essentially was. 1 sailor, 8 marines, and plenty of poon to go around. I recomend angeles city or manila to anybody looking to fullfill that little asian in them. urr yut. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Some Pix
Hey, love ya work. Here's a few Number plates I have snapped around BrisVegas. Heaps more images & videos at tinmansplace.multiply.com if anyone is interested..... Enjoy. |
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T S wrote:
Subject: Submission!
ORSM Love your site! Look forward to all the new updates come Thursday, here is my contribution. Met this when she was on vacation here in Hawaii. She sent me pictures I requested. Enjoy! More where this came from. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more of wifie
just some more of wifie playing wit me dic hold info please cheers |
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pepe wrote:
Subject: sleeping woman
hi everybody just want to say this panty it is so nice !!!!! and she most beautiful when she is sleeping. mama mia!!!!!! |
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The Nightrider wrote:
Subject: Skippy torn between Misubishi and Ford???????????
Hi there orsm. this is what can happen when a roo gets bounced of ford into a oncoming magna in the hunter valley NSW Australia ( yer Roo ) driver got a broken wrist & covered in guts, the green looking stuff is grass, that's what they eat. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The things you find in a van...
Hi, Love your site. Here is what a single german tourist left behind in his campervan, was found when they went to clean it after he had dropped it off. |
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DAVID NAPIER wrote:
Subject: Cool video
Hello Mr. ORSM, Great site and all, love your work. Got a video here that you and others might enjoy. It's from a bar out in Monroe, Washington (by Seattle) call JR
Phinickey's. The bartenders there (Todd and Jack) are making a round of "Flaming Monkey Fuckers". Great drinks but the best part is that they blow fire to light the drinks and in turn they light the bar, the barstools, the hanging decorations, themselves, etc. Good shit. Very impressive to see when you are drunk as hell. |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Fairlane burnout
Hi there, This is a video of Bathurst race day at a friends house , the deal was to do a small burnout on his newly laid driveway or you didn't gain entry to the party. I got first prize for the best burnout.................. cheers |
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Gav wrote:
Subject: Monster trucks at Mackay
Hey ORSM, Great site you have... thought you might like to see what happens when we let the inner bogan out for the night and see some awesome horsepower having some fun in Mackay. Keep up the great work............ |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
ORSM
VIDEO
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Caprice cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em up!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and, understandably, was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful, selfish, arrogant pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - your faithful wife, mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!!" The husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
The husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."
"Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
"The husband took a quick breath and continued "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
RANDOM SHITE
Go on... put it in your mouth.... swallow it all down... thats the way... you love my Shite... dontcha...? Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you - I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.
Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times, "the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once, " he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
ORSM
VIDEO
We've come so far and it's been a brilliant journey of self-awakening so with that, I good you bid evening.
- Check out the site archives... they're so hot right now!
- Next update will be next Thursday... and I'll keep saying it until you listen!
- Tell all your mates to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get upset when you tell him that all the other homeless people laugh at him for being so poor.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Rub my hand on your crotch? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember that any more than three shakes is a wank. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
