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May 2009...
 
orsmupdate 2009.05.28-23.16
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Need help killing a whale? There's a Jap for that!

Ah bliss. It's nice to have a non-manic week whereby someone/something didn't monopolise all my time. Really the only interruptions were a dinner thing on Tuesday and getting the car serviced. Smooth sailing beyond that. The result is for a change I'm not writing this half an hour before update deadline and there's a possibility I'll make bed before 2am. Mental.

The downfall of society is well underway. Came across this the other day. Know a couple of them but 90% are new to me. Is that really how 'the kids' are talking these days or has a website just cobbled together a big list of random letters that two dudes used one time when they were stoned and suddenly it's what everyone is doing? Sadly if I do ever receive a 'FMLTWIA' text it'll be an opportunity missed. I still haven't come to terms with people using 'ur' in place of 'you're'. Seriously if this catches on I'm ditching my phone.

My other pet peeve lately is black girls and the 'azz shakin' videos they're flooding the internets with. It's at the point if I see one more overweight black girl spend 5 minutes jiggling her arse, moving side to side thinking she's all that I'll snap. Obviously there are the sicko's out there who find that hot because there's usually a whole bunch of "ma gurl gat dat azz 4real" comments but all it says to me is 'FMLTWIA'.

Weekend wrap... because I have to fill the page so shut up. No really - shut up.

Saturday Saturday. Realised it's been a while since I saw any snail mail and after a few phone calls worked out that the redirection for my PO box had lapsed. Mid April as it turns out. Not the worst thing to ever happen because the pile of unopened mail on my desk had stopped increasing, albeit temporarily.

From there it was the usual grocery shopping expedition and the rest of the afternoon planted squarely at the computer researching and reading. Started with kitchen renovations, then bathrooms, moved onto antique chair design, a brief dalliance into digital cameras and eventually back to kitchens. It's somewhat ironic that for all the hours spent at the computer I never seem to find the time to sit down and research things that interest me.

Managed to check out a couple of films from the sci-fi list you guys put together. First up was Sunshine. Entirely watchable but too much of a 'look at how good we can do CGI'. The other one was Deja Vu. Not bad but very predictable. I'll muscle on with the list.

Okay that will do it for the boring blog babble. Hopefully no one bothered to read because it wasn't one of my best... if there is such a thing? Such is the curse of an ordinary week. With any luck I've more than made up for it with what you will find below. Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking have. This update is jam packed of the coolest shit going anywhere EVER. Just make sure you aint CD9 before getting NIFOC. Check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads no matter where you are! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Play The Game - Perfect Tits - Close Call - Smell Phone - College Girls - Hayden's Toe - Hilarious - Lick Da Ballz

Upper Hand - Impressive - Shattering Butt - Guido Dancing - Nasty Prank - Hotness - Beatboxer - Jumped

Absolute Bad Ass - Drunk Ref - Crazy Crash - Poppin Booty - Bounce Rack - Mariah Nips - Dozing Off

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married". "Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks. "Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee." the mother says. The daughter replies "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink...?"
--
Mathew Johns got his job back at channel nine. The female apologised and said she wasn't aware of the unlimited interchange rule.
--
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
--
A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home. "It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."

ORSM VIDEO

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - forgive. Free your mind from worries - most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less

NOW... enough of that... the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

LELA STAR
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had fuck all", he says, "F-U-C-K-A-L-L".

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast".

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life! Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!! As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

BAD TASTE OR GOOD FUN...?
click for gallery

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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!

Dan wrote:
Subject: The diseased waterways of india pics
I can understand that poverty and other shit like that leads to images like this. BUT! What the fuck is the Australian government doing letting in cunts that live like this!! They are everywhere now, all over Australia. In our service stations, banks, supermarkets, at the other end of the phone in a call centre, in take away food shops. As taxi drivers that have no fucking idea either how to get somewhere or even how to drive a fucking car that doesn't have an elephant in front pulling it!!!!!!!! They walk around yelling into mobile phones that are permanently stuck to the side of their head or have the absolute shit bollywood music playing on it at full volume with no regard to anyone around them. They stop dead at either the top or the bottom of an escalator not knowing what they are going to do next and not give a shit about anyone else because they are that dumb. They run rampant in our public service sectors such as centrelink, local councils and public transport!!! Get rid of the fuckers out of Australia before its too late and we end up with shit like what's in those images happing here!! Ok, so I do appear racist, that's probably because I AM! I hate those dirty, smelly, loud, lazy, stupid and absolutely fucking rude Indians. And for fuck sake, if you Indian cunts can afford a packet of cigarettes, spare another 50 cents and buy a fucking box of matches instead of asking for a fucking light all the time!!!!!!! And to finish off my racist tirade, a joke. Scientists have confirmed there are 3 definite types of Indian. 1/ The ones with turbans on their heads, they are pull start. 2/ The ones with the dot on their forehead, they are push button start. And 3/ The ones that have neither are KICK START!

This statement does not reflect the opinions of the owner of this website and is not responsible for its publication (but I reckon it reflects the opinions of most Australians).

Have to disagree with most of that. For starters not ALL Indians are like that. It would be like saying all Americans are fat or all Poms are whingers. Yes most of them are but there are some who aren't. -Orsm

t.t. wrote:
Subject: RE: Subject: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Hey Orsm What's Up! Indeed the windows calculator gives 12345678987654321. But if you trust Mr. Gates products then you should go with Excel that gives 12345678987654300 (see attached)

Okay try this: in the Windows calculator do 111,111,111 x 111,111,111. You get 12,345,678,987,654,321 BUT if you copy the output directly from the calculator into Excel it comes up as 12,345,678,987,654,300. I think a wormhole may be opening... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Dave wrote:
Subject: Mr Duck's word problem
Orsm, Bemjamin must have gone to the same school as A&J of the 111x111 problem. Each word, minus the first letter is a palindrome not an anagram. I'm sure you knew that too, but were just too busy uploading the other good stuff to notice that blooper.
Tom wrote:
Subject: Solution
Hey there. Simple solution to the new speed camera system sent in by Steven. Yep, blue "small people" with huge hands and spray paint. Cheers.
click to enlarge
Gerry wrote:
Subject: Emailing
just a quick note in regards to the "tiger with downs syndrome", it is actually a tigron. a hybrid breed of tigers and lions, the interesting thing is that there are two different kinds of mixture that can be attained; the first, tigrons, are male tigers mated with female lions and prone to the mangled grill, and are not as big. the other is the liger, male lion bread with a female tiger, these beauties are prone to gigantism and keep the lion colourings with, usually faded, tiger strips down the back and across the shoulders. no burly mane and the males are infertile, but they can easily grow seven feet long and reach twelve foot high ledges.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hey
Long time orsm fan here.. don't send much, actually pretty much never.. but I just saw this and HAD to share.. This is a female to male transition trans-sexual..who is only half way there.. I saw this ad on craigslist, they were looking for a good lay. Enjoy.

Anytime I've ever called someone a 'nasty cunt' that's pretty much what I had in mind. -Orsm

click to enlarge

andy wrote:
Subject:
laughed my ass off at this!

Keyword targeted advertising strikes again! -Orsm

click to enlarge
Ewe wrote:
Subject: Love Bugs
Greetings from western Pennsylvania. I have an update for you. They finally finished the paint jobs on "The Love Bugs", thought I'd share the results with you.
click to enlarge
dale wrote:
Subject: Launching
Water craft launching Lebanese style
click to enlarge

Abiodun wrote:
Subject: BitchesBrew
Hi Orsm, I saw this sign board in Freemantle when I visited Oz, it's kind of funny to know that Bitches can actually brew!!!

Unless it's owned by a Kiwi and it would be pronounced Bitches Bro... BOOM-tsssh -Orsm

click to enlarge
Stuart wrote:
Subject: Lots of choice...
Just type in the first 3 words. Lots of choice should you need any confirmation...
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Google Maps
hey mate, thought i would pass this interesting fuck up of google earth on to you normally when you on street view, and look below you, there is a shaded image where they have photoshopped the image and put road there. try this: type in 83 falconer street, west ryde, NSW Australia and hit street view. NOW when you look below you, the actual vehicle with the camera rig is visible ive included a sample image for your readers who arn't exactly google earth trained.

click to enlarge
Vincent wrote:
Subject: Would you ?!
You've both been drinking heavily all day......... you get back to her place.......... she heads upstairs to slip into something more comfortable........... it seems like she's been gone forever........ you head up expecting to seal the deal............ the question is........ would you??
click to enlarge
Franso wrote:
Subject: Lightning
This is what it looked like here this morning! Just gotta love Cape Town in the winter!!!! brrrrr
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of ex
heres some pics of an ex - enjoy mate, and please put them up on the sit. greetings from cananda, oh and please with hold my info, thanks
click for gallery

doak wrote:
Subject: Presidents and their leading ladies...
A quick look at how Presidents and their leading ladies age during the tenure as President...

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Guess the girl
hi guys. love the site but a once a week update is not enough. here are some pics of a ship mates girlfriend a lovely kiwi girl who liked me more than him. ps hide my details for me. keep up the great work
click for gallery
lisa wrote:
Subject: we breed em tough in QLD,,,,,
our resident (massive)green tree frog during and after eating a red belly, he disappeared for a few days (guess he was off trippin somewhere)
click for gallery
Terry wrote:
Subject: Red Arrows
The British Red Arrows arrived in Crete today flying over the harbour. Here are a few shots taken by a friend of mine that now lives there.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Here are some pics that I got from a friend. She's in the military and quite hot. Please hide my details.

Fuck yeah. -Orsm

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DREAM GIRL CODY
click for gallery

INTERESTING ANAGRAMS

DORMITORY
... when you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
... when you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
... when you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
... when you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
... when you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
... when you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
... when you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
... when you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
... when you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
... when you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
... when you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT
... when you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
... when you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
... when you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And finally:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
... when you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

RANDOM SHITE
No explanation necessary. Just click the titties and enjoy what's within. Check it...

click for gallery

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QUALITY ASSURANCE
To achieve high efficiency and safety standards the new guidelines pertaining to pipe are as follows:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6.All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
8. All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
17. Scottish regiments in the Army use Army Pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.

TANKS FOR COMING
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Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies" knickers and thongs." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts "em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

ORSM VIDEO

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... and I didn't land.

DON'T LOOK DOWN
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Tiz all. Oh dammit! Tiz all except for this:

- Check out the site archives. Better than butter is what they are.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Have I ever let you down?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will steal your Snuggie.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a good long weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.05.21-23.10
Dani Woodward

Welcome to Orsm.net. Chk-Chk BOOM!

Finally some rain! It's been a creepy autumn. Nothing but blue skies and happy days. Apparently the driest May since records began over 1200 years ago. Hopefully it stays wet for a while because I've dearly missed it. Particularly the driving aspect - it's pretty much Russian Roulette any time you go out on Perth roads. Over 99% of road users are retarded and drive accordingly so the rain and slippery roads essentially just add another 4 bullets to the gun.

I'm both chuffed and dismayed this week. Chuffed because everyone can now shut the fuck up about daylight saving. Dismayed because all the [and I say this with much love and respect] non-progressive, uninformed, stuck-in-the-past, do-gooder, close-minded, anti-extended trading hours, pro hoon law, anti-smoking, anti-alcohol, anti-fun, bleeding heart, conservative, pro illegal immigrant, cry baby ANTI-DAYLIGHT SAVING BALL LICKERS got their way. 'No' won decisively 55/45 by the way.

Okay yeah so I was against it for the first two years but at some point over the past summer changed my mind. No real reason - I got used to it and realised it wasn't all that bad. The stupid part is it really doesn't make THAT much of a difference. Its one hour. If it was two or three hours then sure go ahead and complain away, call talkback radio with insane misinformed viewpoints, write threatening letters to politicians and bitch to your friends but it's one hour, not the end of the world.

Moving on. I decided to humour myself and get a quote for my kitchen from some place I heard advertising on the radio. Funnily enough I really had no idea what to expect. Five years making kitchens and furniture but never once had anything to do with quoting or costing. That probably explains why I almost fell off the chair when it came back at over $9000 [not including appliances!] for what I clearly explained to the guy was meant to be just about the cheapest kitchen possible.

Seriously if I had of realised back then you could get away charging such extortionate prices to unsuspecting customers I may have stuck with it. On the other hand I still to this day have the occasional nightmare about losing my hand in a freak spindle moulder accident. That's thanks to a guy I met as a first year apprentice - Rocco. His right hand was one and a half fingers and a thumb... due to a freak spindle moulder accident. Some things stay with you forever - that's one of them.

Made the mistake of being coerced into Kmart on Saturday. Matter of fact it was first time I'd been to that particular shopping centre for a long time. I guess most of us have our favourite places to shop and stick to those and in the process forget why we avoid the others. As it turns out Kmart is redneck central which is apparently why I shop at Target. It was like the lowest common denominator trailer park exploded and all the inhabitants landed there. Alright so that make me sound like a snob and maybe I am but is it really to much to ask to put on some shoes, maybe a bra and maybe not act like there's no one else around?

Just quickly... I put the call out last week for some good sci-fi film recommendations and was absolutely SWAMPED! Would be impossible to reply to everyone but huge thank you for some great ideas and reminding me of a few long forgotten. For anyone interested I compiled most of the suggestions into a big list which you can find here. [Bolded are the ones I have seen.]

Okay enough blog babble. Let's do this - check it...

This is cool - build your own speakers! These bad boys can be knocked together in no time using just glue and no fiddly screws. You end up with awesome sounding speakers for your hi-fi or home theatre that are as good as the premium brand mega dollar setups but up to 65% cheaper! LSK do fast, worldwide shipping, you get 15% discount off your first order AND with the weak Aussie dollar you will save bucket loads no matter where you are! Check out The Loud Speaker Kit now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Too Adictive - Doggy Style - Freak Out - Cool Explosion - Going Nuts - Consequences - Nudie Walk - Big Black Hole

Worst Job Ever - Call That a Shot? - Poppin' Booty - Serious Issues - Glamour Tits - Adriana's Nips - Epic Faceplant

Cheap Shot - Saddest Cat - The Red Devil - Jessica Joy - Mesmerising - Irrational - Disgustingly Cute - Birthing WTF

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.
--
Cricket wisdom: The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!
--
Q: What's the first sign that you night have AIDS? A: It starts with a pounding sensation in the ass!
--
Dan walks into his bedroom after his morning shower and says to Deb "You know love... every time I pass a mirror I get a hard on". She replies "I'm not surprised darling... even your dick thinks you're a cunt!"
--
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here." "Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?""I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."

ORSM VIDEO

WHAT WE'VE LEARNT FROM HOLLYWOOD

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one in a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading intergalactic alien society.
5. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will all wait patiently and politely to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just a bit bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman... but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. it's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. (And don't forget - tyres will squeal on any surface, at any speed).
3. All bombs are conveniently fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty on orders from the Mayor.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
28. When paying a bill you never have to wait for change.
29. No matter how busy the traffic, you will always find a parking spot outside the place you're headed.
30. If you and your friends are in a cabin in the woods in the dead of night and there's a maniac loose outside... always venture out one at a time to investigate any noise.

AUDREY & HILLARY DO THEIR THANG
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HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.  Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

DID WE HIT SOMETHING...?
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YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

THE DISEASED WATERWAYS OF INDIA
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Aside from the plethora of sci-fi related emails that poured in this week you guys were a touch quiet. Was it something I said or...? I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't get busy bombarding my inbox with various bits and shits I'll chuck a tanty. Email me here!

Benjamin wrote:
Subject: Mr. Duck's word problem
Each word, minus the first letter, is an anagram. =)

JJ5K wrote:
Subject: 123456789876543 doh! doh!
Mathematically that is clearly wrong, because any two numbers which both end in 1 when multiplied together has to end in 1. How the hell would you get a zero at the end? You don't need a calculator to tell you that.If you multiply any number that ends in a 1 with any other number, the answer will always end with the last digit of the other number.

Example:
8521 x 654 = 5572734
98765431 x 235689789 = 23278003592884059
9632587456321 x 74123698521 = 714003008589504059801241

My thoughts exactly... -Orsm

Joseph wrote:
Subject: Twisted airplane was a hard landing.
It was not at FXE and it was not a series of snap rolls, it was a hard landing in Monterrey, México a year ago. The flight actually departed from Toluca, Mexico. This story has been around for a while as an email chain. Here's the report from the International Civil Aviation Organization. Here's the report from the NTSB.

Willie wrote:
Subject: Anyone for Flame (Petrol tanker) scorched Chicken Treat
Anyone for Flame scorched Chicken treat? Some photos of the Tanker Fire in Maddington Friday 15 May 09. ELEMENTS TO NOTE: Fire Brigade has tunnel vision. Police failed to set safety corden early allowing "Rubber Neckers" - public to watch fire with 100mtrs. Police seen eating Chicken Treat. People still standing around & traffic still driving by.............. Fire Brigade saves the day, by preventing further expansion and explosion of remaining 4 x 5000lt cells igniting.............
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obzELiTe wrote:
Subject: maddington fire
video i got of the maddington tanker fire.

And that kids is why we dont mix static electricity and petrol fumes. -Orsm

Daniel wrote:
Subject: Random!
Hey o mr orsm. Ditto about the site. Saw this back at the laneway festival earlier this year near the perth train station found the sign rather amusing that had been put up seriously... FAIL

The amount of times I have seen homeless guys bathing in that pond... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pink hair
Regarding the pink haired chick in the RS section. She is somewhat famous for always running around naked on the swedish musicfestivals. Im attaching some more pics of her.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: yuck ugly pic
got this photo on my phone from a number i did not know( it made me vomit), guess is was not supose to come to me ........ use it on random shit if you like, cheers Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Springsteen and Pussy
Been a fan of your righteous site for years! It's past time I contribute. Here's a picture of last weeks Springsteen concert in Toronto. He's singing Born To Run. It's a little hard to tell. They were the best seats I could get at the ACC! It's an old phone!! No, I don't own a damned Blackberry!!! I KNOW THAT ALL THE MAPLE LEAF BANNERS ARE FROM THE 60'S!!!! Fine. Here's a picture of my girlfriend's pussy.You know, sometimes there's just no pleasing you Interweb types.
tom wrote:
Subject: easy now
you posted my last two entries (me naked with cats and my weird mate) so cheers for that! thought you may like this one. it appears to be a white tiger with downs syndrome!!
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Albert wrote:
Subject: Transformers Cat
In the spirit of the upcoming movie.

Felinius Maximus. -Orsm

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Luke wrote:
Subject: twatter
Hey Mr. Orsm... Long time fan, been checking the site out weekly since the tender age of 14. Anyway, attached is a pic I quickly put together. Regards.
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bill wrote:
Subject: Broke
I'm staying away from what ever broke this.........

Maybe reality came crashing down and that's where it landed...? -Orsm

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Steven wrote:
Subject: New Speed Cameras
Just a heads up on a new speed camera system in Victoria. It's a cylindrical pole about 2m high with 3 Perspex stripes on it (I assume they hide cameras, one for each lane of the highway), and up the road before the cameras are some matching road sensors hidden in the gutter. The system has a speed measurement accuracy with less than 1% error at up to 250km/hr and precisely measures the number of axles, axle separation, wheel width and the front to back wheel width ratio to classify vehicles.

James wrote:
Subject: My Funny Pictures - Mathew Johns related!!
Hey mate, dropping you an email again. Went to the Bronco's game at Suncorp last weekend, and decided to stir the crowd up. Made a nice 'little' sign to make light of the current Mathew Johns & Cronulla Sharks rape allegation. We headed into town for a night on the turps & decided to give the sign a workout throughout the night. I'll link you some pictures of my outting. Cheers! This is a link to my original idea / story.

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Lucas wrote:
Subject: Goverment job in South Africa
Hi mr ORSM sir. And everybody thought the nicest job was feeding fish on an island down under there.This is how we make a living in the new democratic South Africa. Now don't rush over here all at once. As far as I know, all the vacancies are filled.
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Victor wrote:
Subject: Airplane hit by tow tractor
Hi first of I been a fan of your website for years every week I can't wait for the updates this time I get to contribute something and I got other stuff to give later. OK this happen the first week of May 09 can't remember the exact date. The USAirways Express CRJ was being push back with about 45 passengers on board when some guy from Delta driving a tow tractor or TUG as we know it hit the tail section of it. No one was hurt and when they asked the driver what happen he just said " I didn't see it". The damage was estimated to about 250,000 US-dollars and according the mechanics if he had hit it like 2 feet deeper to the right it could had caused an explosion ( that would had been awesome so I would had better pictures too bad he missed ).
Jay wrote:
Subject: Why Arizona linemen are paid so well
Look for any opening in breaker boxes as they are likely to house something we do not want to come in contact with. The pictures show what one of our linemen came across the other day while checking a meter. The critter had climbed up through the knockout hole and was after a mouse. Needless to say, neither he or the mouse made it.
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Zeke wrote:
Subject: This isn't you father's MTV...
New Snoop Dogg Music Video - wouldn't have expected this from Universal Records...

Hardcore porn... surely not? -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Feng-Ping, a Chinese immigrant, opened a laundromat in New York City.  He worked hard to learn English so he could communicate with his customers, and eventually developed a thriving business. 

One day, a Greek restaurant opened across the street from him, and he decided to try it out.  Feng-Ping told the waiter "I would rike an order of flied lice."  The waiter snickered and walked away, returning shortly with an order of fried rice.  It was very good, but Feng-Ping wasn't thrilled with the waiter's behaviour.

A few days later, Feng-Ping went back to the restaurant, and the same waiter took his order "I would rike an order of flied lice."  The waiter laughed openly and hollered to the other patrons that this crazy customer wanted 'flied lice'. Again, Feng-Ping wasn't thrilled, but the food was very good, so he put up with the waiter's brashness.

Months went by, and Feng-Ping became a regular customer, over and over again ordering 'flied lice'. It got to the point where even the customers knew what was coming, and they roared with laughter after they heard 'flied lice'.

Finally, Feng-Ping had enough.  He stayed up all night and practiced his order in "proper" English. "I would LLLLike an order of fRRRied RRRRice."  He was so excited, and couldn't wait to get to the restaurant the next day.

The morning seemed to drag on forever, but finally, lunch time arrived.  Feng-Ping proudly crossed the street and walked in to the restaurant.  When everyone saw him come in, they became quiet, in eager anticipation of hearing Feng-Ping place his regular order. The watier seated him and asked for his order. "I would Like and order of fRied Rice... you Gleek Plick!"

JUST THE GIRL NEXT DOOR...
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RANDOM SHITE
RS is now officially recognised as a Class A drug. Prolonged exposure may have dire effects but PLEASE don't let that stop you. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can"t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. 

The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am! Why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

3D SIDEWALK ART
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WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

Try it without looking at answers:

1. Pick your Favourite number between 1-9
2. Multiply by 3 then
3. Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator...)
4. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
5. Add the digits together...

Now Scroll down...

With that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Mahatma Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Adolf Hitler
9. Mr Orsm
10. Barack Obama

I know... I just have that effect on people and this is conclusive proof. Believe it!

PS. The numbers don't lie. Stop trying different combos!

ORSM VIDEO


Well now....

- Check out the site archives. They are to the internet what Pamela Anderson's boobs are to heterosexual men.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or at latest that's what they tell me.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will post a video on Youtube with your contact details and provide evidence that you 'felt up' a bikies kids.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the rain. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.05.14-23.10
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net... you bastard fuck.

Howdy people. Miss me? Yeah you did. Even I missed me so it must have been a hellishly long seven days for you guys. My apologies but try and get over it. Please.

Firstly, can someone PLEASE recommend me some sci-fi movies I haven't seen 100 times? Doesn't need to be blockbuster, just has to be space or future or whatever. Even if it's foreign, as long as it's sci-fi I don't care! Email here.

I've got it in my head that I need, nay I must, sink my teeth in to some sort of house related project. Everything feels/is old and stagnant and with the all the recession stuff happening, plummeting property values, etc etc it looks like I'll be stuck here for a while.

The good thing is there are literally dozens of potential projects. Dozens of things I can attack to fill the void in my life. This piece of crap house was built before I was even popped out. The people we bought it from were the same ones who built it and after almost 4 years living here now I'm still yet to find a single shred of evidence that they made any effort to make the place any more comfortable or stylish than was necessary. Don't get me started on the cork walls... or the hideous blue lino floors... or the vulgar wallpaper.

The next part is figuring out where to start. The list of possibilities range in commitment anywhere from half a day to a couple of weeks. The easy ones are stuff like painting some walls and doors - cool because that won't really impact life too much. The hard ones are renovating the kitchen which can't be cleaned and bathroom which is falling apart - trickier because you have to involve various arsehole tradesmen. This is hopefully where my past life as a cabinetmaker comes in to it. I've installed countless kitchens so at least that should be easy. Hopefully all it will take is a trip to Ikea, an hour to pick and choose shit and then home to build. Tiler, plumber and electrician can come later.

I'm starting to think that this place is one of those reno jobs that will never be complete. Not because I'm a perfectionist and everything has to be done the right way but because there is just too much to do. That's when you fall into the trap - you start something and don't quite finish. Promises to finish next weekend follow, something comes up, you move on to the next task and it doesn't happen. Pretty soon its 12 months later and you've just learnt to live with it. Been there, done that... plenty of times.

Anyway moving on. It dawned on me last week that my favourite everyday pair of shoes were becoming a little ragged. Kind of like when you look at someone and wonder if they're homeless or not. Reason being I love these shoes - ultra comfortable and practical. I decide I just want another pair of the exact same ones so check the website for stockists and begin the ring around. First call is Mountain Designs, an outdoor sports place. Some girl answers, give her the info and she goes off to check. Back a few minutes later with "sorry no stock". Ask if they have anything similar in the same size. "Hang on I'll check". Hold for 30 seconds and -click- she literally just hangs up on me. Fucking retarded rude cunt. I'll now return the favour by telling everyone I know to shop at Paddy Palin -a superior outdoor sports shop- who were polite, helpful and had stock.

Alright time to get jiggy with the update. One of the better ones in recent times too, if that's even possible. So without any further ado... check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Puzzle Pirates - Bitch Bash!! - Auto-Tuning - Disturbing Dude - Best Tits Ever - Creepy Dad - Carribean Freaks

Unfknblvbl Bod - So Fukn Hot! - Face Full Of Ass - No Class Bitches - Napster Bill - Hands Free - I Love Her

Beam Me Up - Tormentors - Big Inevitable - Catch Some Air - Whoa Nerdy - The Gayifier - Bananas - Actually Epic

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.  Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
--
A ticked-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know.  The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.  His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
--
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those".
--
Q: What do rocks and women have in common? A: You can skip the flat ones!

ORSM VIDEO

TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE CREDIT CRUNCH

- Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
- Homeowners: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
- Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr. KVL 741Y,
- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
- Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
- Housewives, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to charity, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for only a few dollars.
- Old people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.
- Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
- Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!  Toffee.
- Make your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill.
- Shoppers, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
- Women: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

CARLI BANKS
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.  After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

SPIDERS ARE CUTE
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!

Michael wrote:
Subject: maths problem
The answer to the maths problem is 21387. Fairly simple deduction... just work backwards from the clues...

Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:
I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer.   See if you can figure out what all these words have in common.
 
1.  Banana
2.  Dresser
3.  Grammar
4.  Potato
5.  Revive
6.  Uneven
7.  Assess


Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully. This is so cool.....

A & J wrote:
Subject: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
I don't know what type of calculator you are using but 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12345678987654300. The progression goes [like this]. As you can see that this theory works up to 11,111,111 only.

You may want to check that again. According to my Windows calculator 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321. -Orsm

Rob wrote:
Subject: I pulled over a cop
Love the site...check it every week...never had anything i thought worthy to send til now...kid that plays college football gets behind a cop goin 90 and chases him down layin on the horn for several minutes...the cop has no idea what to do... oh and he got it all on his camcorder.. slow to start but pics up after about 2 minutes. so turns out the coach is gettin him psychologically tested

rob wrote:
Subject: RE :sulphur hexafluoride
In response to this. One of the videos online explains clearly that it CAN be hazardous. So saying It can be safely inhaled is incorrect. The heavier gas can sit at the bottom of your lungs and suffocate you. After playing with it, you have to exhale deeply to rid it from your lungs.

That's fine. We'll just stand upside down. -Orsm

S wrote:
Subject: Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
....... .. ... ... .. ..... .. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. ..
.. . . ... .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. ... ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff hey? I had a lump in my throat when he said ". .. ."

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Talk about a butterface!
Haha saw this and thought it was funny. Please hide my details

2, 6 and [maybe] 8 = all good. 3 yes but only because of the rack. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Canon wrote:
Subject: Funny Age headline online
Gidday Orsm, Thought this might amuse you. Cheers.

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Ricky Narkle wrote:
Subject: True dat derr unna cuz
Had to stop by and take a pic of our "native" fauna while walkin the streets of northbridge. Edwin comes complete with VB in the hand:

Sad but true. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: my gf
Great site & love your updates. I feel like I need to contribute something in return so here's a pic of my asian gf. Let me know if you like it.

Much appreciated. -Orsm

click to enlarge
kt wrote:
Subject: news sites related links
Hey Orsm, I came across something a little coincidental whilst reading the news on the pirate bay trial. Silly 'related news' links take key words and presents a list of news articles. Wish the swedes and the dutch really did get on that well.
click to enlarge
Blair wrote:
Subject: German sign
Here's a sign I saw out as I was out walking here in Germany the other day (town with the tongue breaking name of Hohenkirchen-Siegertsbrun). It's outside some sort of social club, and you can see the good burghers of the village like to warn visitors of what they may encounter late at night after closing time!
click to enlarge
Tim wrote:
Subject: random pic?
Got back from a course away to find new health and safety posters about. Since I have no access to photoshop, I used MS paint, blutack and scissors to push the point home
click to enlarge

Steven wrote:
Subject: Swine flu
Swine Flu Decontamination Unit

Owww controversial. -Orsm

click to enlarge

V wrote:
Subject: Breaking news - Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality
<Chuckles> Ok, I've seen the Winnie the Pooh cartoon about 10 times - but this one's new! And we ALL know who the carrier is !

click to enlarge
Paolo wrote:
Subject: Excellent - just one warning though...
Orsm, I don't know how I got onto your site but it was a few years ago now and still rocks. I was cruising Amazon the other day for a new shaver and saw an interesting review for a Philips Electric Razor. Just wanted to warn any of your other visitors about the potential dangers (see review 1 below).
click to enlarge

Dale wrote:
Subject: Spock
No, my kids are NOT going to the blue-light disco. P.S. : I made this.

Drugs are bad kids... but oh so much fun. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black chick
I know you got some guys that love seeing real black chicks, here's one I know and god damn what a ride she is!! hide my info of course!!
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Junkie of an Ex...
Hey Orsm. Love your work breddah. 1st time Submitting... Here are some pictures of an ex who i was seeing for 5 years, she shattered my heart more times than i can count. She was so beautiful and perfect at the beginning of the relationship but as the years went by.... She was slowly going back to her slutty junkie ways and a heartless bitch... Please do NOT display any details..
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Bobby wrote:
Subject: sugar sugar
How much sugar in your food ?

I was shocked at first. Then I realised I was looking at it all wrong - there's as much sugar in an apple as there is a Snickers. WHY-O-WHY would anyone ever eat an apple again? -Orsm

click for gallery

h.d wrote:
Subject: accident at work
heavy cap of a box...

Ouch. -Orsm

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Carlie wrote:
Subject: Something sick for you
G'day Orsm, Here are some sick photos of my Ex. We were going out for 5 years before he started coming up with sick requests like "I'll mow the lawn if you fist my arse". I really hate mowing the lawn........ Here is an example of a favour payback, I did manage to get two fists up there but it's a big hard to hold a camera when both hands are up your fella's butt hole. I ended up leaving him when he started to steal my vibrator while I was at work and I'd come home and find poo on it. Cheers Mate!
click for gallery

Tim from East Freo wrote:
Subject: Hawker 800XP - does not do stunts...
Dr Orsm, Pictures and multi-part story attached of a Mexican pilot who managed to twist an exec jet into a crumpled mess while doing a few badly executed snap rolls. Keep up the good work on the site!

Absolutely mental.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: LOVE MY COUGAR
GDAY AGAIN ORSM :) Few pics of a cougar i use to bang. 42y.o, fake tits and still has a smoking body. Hope you post em, Enjoy!!! and keep up good work.

Hot for 42. -Orsm

click for gallery

CJ wrote:
Subject: Malaysia my second home
Hi Orsm, Received the attached from a mate of mine. Seems like a good place for a boys holiday, although God knows what you might catch!! Looks like you allso to nee dto be fit before you go. Cheers.

Felt like I might catch something just reading it. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sharon. "Forty thousand."

"No!" Brenda exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?" Sharon answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Brenda computed quickly. "$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?" Click here.

HEATHER: BRILLIANT
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Hop Sing was a cook on the Ponderosa Ranch. All the cowboys loved to poke fun at him because, being Chinese, he had a pigtail and wore a funny hat. He also couldn't speak English very well. The cowboys used to put live snakes and frogs in his bed and pulled on his pigtail, just to tease him. Hop Sing, however, never complained and kept on working. He was a good sport.

One day, the cowboys got together and said, "This Hop Sing is really a nice guy, we shouldn't be so mean to him." They decided to apologise to him for the many years of abuse.

They went to Hop Sing as a group and said, "Hop Sing, we are very sorry for being so mean to you throughout the years. You are really a nice guy. From now on, we are going to be nice to you. There will be no more pigtail-pullin' and there will be no more snakes in your bed."

"Good, good," said Hop Sing, overjoyed. "No more snake in the bed, then no more piss in the soup!"

RANDOM SHITE
So good it's bad. So bad it's good. How does that make you feel? I guess you won't know until you check it...

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Two die-hard golfers, Mike and Steve, are out playing a round when a thunderstorm comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes both golfers dead.

Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two men. "Sorry, but we made a mistake." says God, "It seems that it was not your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have to go back as someone different. It's just too confusing since they already had the funerals. In fact your wives are already dating".

After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and make their request.

"We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes" says Mike. "... good looking dykes if you please" says Steve.

"That's no problem," replies God "but I must know why you guys want to be dykes...?" "Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex with woman..." says Mike. "PLUS" adds Steve "... we get to play from the ladies tee!"

WORLD AT WAR
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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked for the cost and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a police officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a "thank you" card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The politician is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

ORSM VIDEO

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?" The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.

Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.

When no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?" "Miss Figpot, its means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?" "Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mum say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

INTERESTING ARCHITECTURE
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That's all I got. Now this...

- Check out the site archives because it's the right thing to do.
- Incase you weren't sure, next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take a picture of your face whilst you're fast asleep. He'll then print out the picture, jack off on it and leave it next to your parents bed.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and vote YES for daylight saving. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.05.07-22.48
Britney Sky

Welcome to Orsm.net. His fadda was a mudda... his MUDDA was a mudda.

Jumping jiminy crickets! Orsm is back with a whole new update! If you're new to this corner of the internets then you are very fucking late. I've been making this puppy purr for almost 9 long years and you've missed it all. Sucks to be you huh? Thank god for the Orsm archives...

I usually have a process when it comes to writing this shitty blog. I learnt long ago that trying to conjure 500-600 words a couple of hours before the update is due to go up without some sort of forethought is a bad idea. Perhaps unsurprisingly, writing a weekly blog can be challenging and probably more so these days where there isn't much free time and life generally moves at light speed. To combat this I send myself emails, leave notes, hints, clues, whatever the fuck, about crap to crap on about.

This week however I didn't. Ever go into an exam which you haven't studied a single minute for? Same deal. The radio is off because I am sick to fucking death of the daylight savings debate. TV off because I can't handle anymore swine flu or recession 'news'. Human contact has been limited because I've been too busy working [read: don't like most people]. In other words, shit is much harder when you have nothing to draw from.

I could always dredge up intriguing stories from my past. Like the car accident 10 years ago which ultimately led me to start this revolutionary website. Boring. Or that I've seen every single episode of Oz, Star Trek TNG & Voyager, Family Guy, Lost, The West Wing, La Femme Nikita, Scrubs, The Office, Seinfeld, Malcolm in the Middle, Futurama, Curb, Grey's, Entourage, Sliders and Arrested Dev  to name a few. Meh. Or that I detest being praised more than I do criticised and judgemental people even more than that. Double meh. All well and good except once again would require some forethought. Failing that I can just resort to running through my life since last we spoke. Yep let's do that...

Friday kicked off with what was the last dentist visit I'll need for 6 months. This time for a scale and clean which I found way more uncomfortable and frustrating than the root canal and crown experiences of months gone by. From there it was home to collect the pooch for yet another vet appointment. Another consult, another blood test, another bag of meds, another $560. Unbelievable. Thankfully though as of the latest test results there's been a 'vast improvement' which means drug dosage comes down and life will hopefully be a bit more tolerable for all concerned.

Saturgay was a big annoyance. First thing was a trip back to the vet to pick up my wallet which I'd left there, then groceries, then home to watch the football derby whilst tackling the paper mountain growing out of my desk. Long story short, we lost and sorting through papers is no way to spend a day.

Awoke at dawns crack Sunday and promptly returned to sleep for a couple more hours. No need for silliness. When I did eventually drag myself up we hit the beach which was awesome. All the fuckhead retards with their retarded fuckhead dogs don't head down at this time of year so you can actually throw the ball without some mongrel half breed stealing it. Rest of the weekend was sapped up washing the car and going for a cruise with the lads. All up a pretty good day.

Alright better drop a bomb on this update before it goes mouldy.WTF are you waiting for?! Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

You're In Control - Absolutely Hilarious - Gym Jubblies - Guardrail Fail - Auto Tuning - Smash A Ferrari - Babydoll Freak

It's Repo'd Bitch! - Cock Blocked - Strip Poker - Everybody Sing! - Snuggie Sex - Get All Wet - Tears Of A Child

Boom! Headshot - Divorced Glen - Megan Fox - Too Fat - Pranktastic - Drunk Girls - Giant Cheeto - Weirdo Fuckers

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
--
It was once said that a black man would be president when pigs flew. Well behold 100 days into his presidency... swine flu.
--
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
--
His girlfriend's father was interviewing Young Charles. "So," said that impressive personage, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?" "Not particularly, " said Charles tactlessly, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"
--
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby, and she said it was from a shag at the beach!!"

ORSM VIDEO

CRAZY [PROBABLY MOSTLY UNTRUE] LAWS

-In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
-In Bozeman, Montana, a law prohibits all sexual activity from the front yard of a home after sundown.
-In Salt Lake County, Utah, it's illegal to walk down the street carrying a violin in a paper bag.
-Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
-In San Francisco, it's illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
-In Devon, Texas, it is against the law to make furniture while you are nude.
-The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
-In Oklahoma, you can be arrested for making ugly faces at a dog.
-In California it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.
-There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
-In Florida men seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown can be fined.
-In South Carolina it is legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
-In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
-In Tennessee, you are breaking the law if you drive while sleeping...
-In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is: Death.
-Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
-In Danville, Pennsylvania, all fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
-In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to tie a dollar bill on a string on the ground and pull it away when someone tries to pick it up.
-In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
-In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call a sandwich a "corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.
-In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-In France, it is against the law to sell an "E.T" doll. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.
-In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away if the driver is thought to be either "poorly dressed" or "unbathed".
-In Calgary Alberta, there is still a by-law that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
-In Wilbur, Washington, it is illegal to ride an ugly horse.
-In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is considered "simple assault," but biting someone with your dentures is "aggravated assault."
-In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, however the animals must be female. Sex with a male animal is punishable by death.
-In the state of Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances.
-In Switzerland, it is illegal for a man to relieve himself while standing up after 10pm.
-In Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6pm on Thursdays.
-In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
-In Massachusetts, it is illegal to go to bed without first having a bath.
-In Jidda, Saudi Arabia, women were banned from using hotel swimming pools in 1979.
-In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your own wife's birthday.

GLAMOUR GIRL JAIME
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant!" Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
 
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said "I think its Petry Syndrome." The old man said "You thought.... but you are wrong." Then the other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him "Well, what do you have?" The old man said "I thought it was a FART... but I was WRONG."

I SHOT MYSELF... YES I DID...
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An old priest who for years had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital, lay dying in the hospital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Barack Obama and Joe Biden before I die," he whispered. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse, and she respectfully forwarded the request to the DNC and waited for a response.

Surprisingly, soon the word arrived. Obama and Biden would be delighted to visit the priest. As they made their way to the hospital, Obama commented to Biden, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but the media coverage will certainly help our images." Biden agreed.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Biden's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the ancient cleric's face.

Finally Biden spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" Taking a deep breath, the old priest painfully replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour."

"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Biden. The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same."

AMAZING CAR ART
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Try This One On Your Readers !!!
A number has five different digits, none of which is 0:
(A) The first plus the second equal the third digit;
(B) The third times 2 plus the second equals the fifth;
(C)The second times 2 equals the first;
(D) The first times 4 equals the fourth; and
(E) The fourth minus the second equals the fifth.

WHAT IS THE NUMBER?

Roger wrote:
Subject: Where's the water?
Hey Orsm. The gas in the demonstration "Where's the water" is sulphur hexafluoride. Google it or check [this] out. You can also safely inhale this gas to make your voice amazingly deep, much like inhaling helium makes your voice high and squeaky. Keep up the good work. Cheers.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Our sheep shaggers live in some wonderful places.
Dear Orsm. Nice site. I saw this and thought it odd enough to send. Some bacteria leaked into the water supply in North Wales, where our very own sheep shaggers reside. The list of towns affected makes me think that they are best pronounced with a mouth full of sheep pubes.

Babell, Bagillt, Bodfari, Betws Gwerfil Goch, Bryn Eglwys, Brynford, Buckley; Cadole, Caerwys, Carmel, Cefn Meiriadog, Cilcain, Clawddnewydd, Clocaenog, Corwen, Cyffylliog, Cynwy, Denbigh, Derwen, Derwydd, Efenechtyd, Eryrys, Ewloe, Fynnongroyw; Glyndyfrdwy, Graigfecha, Greenfield, Gronant, Gwernaffield, Gwernymynnydd, Gwespyr, Gwyddelwern, Halkyn, Henllan, Holywell; Lixwm, Llanarmon-yn-Ial, Llanasa, Llanbedr Dyffryn Clwyd, Llandegla, Llandrillo, Llandyrnog, Llanefydd, Llanelidan, Llanfair Dyffryn Clwyd, Llanferres, Llanfihangel Glyn Myrfyr, Llanfwrog, Llangwyfan, Llanrhaeadr, Llansannan; Melin-y-wig, Mold Town, Mostyn, Nercwys, Northop, Pantymwyn, Pentrecelyn, Pentrellyncymmer, Pwllglas, Rhes-y-cae, Rhosesmor, Rhydymwyn, Ruthin, Sychdyn, Trelawnyd, Upper Connah's Quay, Whitford, Ysciefiog.

Brian wrote:
Subject: Funny Funny//Gross Craigslist ad
Read this and had to share with everyone>> hope you enjoy.

Nasty bitch that one. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Asian Boobs
Hi there, Sent the pic last time of the girl with the large areola. Glad to see it end up on the site. I have another pic of her, but in the mean time, here's an Asian girl who posted this pic on a dating website.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: chicks getting it on...
Hi, thought you might like to add this to your site... This is a pic of a couple of chicks at my work getting it on... Ahh drunk chicks, you've gotta love em!

A win for mankind. -Orsm

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Steve wrote:
Subject: Nunawading Hyundai
Don't leave a rare WRP10 WRX (only 200 imported into Aus) on display without locking wheel nuts. Actually, probably should have kept it inside and moved a couple of i30s outside for the time you had it.

OR... wheels are an optional extra. -Orsm

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roger wrote:
Subject: Emailing
My daughter spotted this on her way into work in Worcester, UK recently...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic
Saw this sign in a stripmall the other day. Makes you wonder what they do there. Don't use my name,Thanks.

Umm... -Orsm

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Al G wrote:
Subject: sik pik of the day
Just light the fuse and get a BANG!

There are few things less sexy. -Orsm

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Lloyd wrote:
Subject: Swine Flu lolz...
It looks like the state of play is getting desperate...?
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Steven wrote:
Subject: FW: This weeks Teds catalogue
Hi Orsm. keep up the great work !!! Read the ad

Took me a minute to find it. I'm generally far too hardcore to read the small print. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: someone didnt finish school
hey there long time reader thought id send something else your way. My g/f seen this advertisement somewhere in my hometown in Arizona Apparently spelling isn't their strong point

Arizenglish...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dumb and Dumber
2009 Rolls-Royce Phantom FHC (Fixed Head Coupe). Car wash attendant (Beverly Hills) opened up door as car was leaving car wash and caught a car wash wall edge when the door swung open! Apparently, the non English speaking attendant did not realize that the car has suicide doors! I don't know who is dumb and who is dumber. The owner of 09 Rolls taking the car to be washed in an automated car wash, or the attendant. Doesn't matter, because of the extensive damage, repairs won't be completed until the end of the year. Enjoy your 2009 in 2010!

Terry wrote:
Subject: Tigers
Tiger Temple in Thailand

Places to go before I die. Added. -Orsm

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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Dont Wear ring when Bowling
Horrible pics, I guess, but something we all should know. TO ALL BOWLERS, ESPECIALLY THE ASPIRING AND THE INEXPERIENCED..... be warned - REMOVE that ring before you enjoy a game of 10-pin bowls.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: K-7 (Huge Russion Aircraft)
Can you imagine the fuel consumption rate? The weaponry carried by this behemoth is shown in the last two pics! (The K-7 first flew on 11 August 1933). How about those artillery pieces above the cockpit? No wonder it need so many engines. Just absorbing the recoil from firing them would probably have stalled it without them. In 1930s the Russian army was obsessed with the idea of creating huge planes. At that time, they were proposed to have as many propellers as possible to help carry those huge flying fortresses into the air. Jet propulsion has not been implemented yet. Not many photos were saved from that time, because of the high secrecy levels of such projects and because a lot of time passed already. Still, on the photo below you can see one of such planes - a heavy bomber K-7.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A little contribution
Hi, Great site, been popping on here every week for years. Time to contribute. Ended up in bed with this 23 year old drunk girl last night whilst away on a business trip - result for the over fifties!! After some interesting fun and games, she fell asleep so I thought it only fair to share my luck with like-mined pervs on your site. Enjoy that attached guys. There would have been more but switching the light on made her wake up and I nearly got caught! Keep up the great work.

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Ross wrote:
Subject: Murcielago
Hyundais have better brakes than Lamborghinis

I think this is why more people don't buy Lambo's... -Orsm

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Bzzz wrote:
Subject: Taken at a Pilbara Mine Site
These pics were taken by one of the the NRW crew at Cloudbreak this week. It took a total of 5 hours for the snake to finish it off. As you can see, they put some signage up so it couldn't be run over.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more gifts for Orsm :0
Hello Orsm and its viewers, just few snaps from a dirty weekend away with a married women i was fucking couple of years back. Was great 'on the mic' and had huge E cup tits. if i find more pics ill send em on, Cheers, hide details
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ORSM VIDEO

Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything goes to plan. But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to help them get excited. The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door. The wife is very shocked by his behaviour but being inexperienced at this she thinks it's normal.

After about 10 minutes the husband egg is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so she knocks on the door. "Honey, Is everything okay?""Yeah, yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."

So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour she is really annoyed because he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up and knocks on the door. "If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce you, I swear!"

With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why he's wearing it. "Well, the last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head with a spoon!"

SAMMIE & LEXI
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RANDOM SHITE
From the depths of depravity, the pastures of perfection, the mountains of molehills, the oceans of awesomeness, I give you RS. Check it...

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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money...

HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME!
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A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the doctor's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife. After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

ORSM VIDEO


Well that's enough of that. What I like to call 'end of the damn update'. Hopefully you've enjoyed it. Hopefully you'll tell you're mates. Hopefully you'll come back again. So on that note...

- Check out the site archives. They're chock-full of everything that's good in this world.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Because I fucking said so - got it?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you a kick in the dick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Mother's Day mum. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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