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May 2010...
orsmupdate 2010.05.27-22.08
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. The word 'caramussel' is now stuck in your head.

This made me jump out of my chair and make an 'AHHaahhAHHH' noise.

It's grey, rainy, the trees are shedding leaves like crazy and my little foot heater is getting a workout. Oh how I adore this time of year. Almost more than boobs. My only hope is that it stays all those things for as long as possible... even in a month when I change my mind and complain like a little bitch, I hope it keeps getting colder and wetter.

First up a huge/massive/obese thanks to the all the people who emailed in regards to my back and shoulder issues. Haven't had a chance to read through them all yet but the jist of it seems to be go and see a doctor, I'll be glad I did. Just an aside to this - the chemist recommended Voltaren which is some sort of anti-inflam cream. Worked a charm, actually more effective than Tiger Balm and without the please-make-it-stop-now odour.

So who watched the Lost finale? I've been a fan since the first episode and despite the fact it was nigh on impossible to understand what the fuck was going on half the time, loved almost every minute of all six seasons. As has become a habit, I jumped online following the conclusion to try and get a better idea of what had just happened. Unsurprisingly half of what you come across is people saying it sucked, how such and such wasn't explained and blah blah blah. My opinion is that it was just about perfect. The entertainment value of shows like Lost is the speculating and theorising and then discussing with friends. Where's the fun in the writers answering every single question? Just like Sopranos... did Tony die in the diner? We'll never know and that's what gives a show longevity long after it's finished.

Moving on to my week, weekend and the monopolisation of every minute. For the record, it's a Thursday and this little update plus various other Orsm-related activities have accounted for around 55 hours. Gaaaaaaay...

Saturday was crazy. Literally on the go from 8am wakeup until 2.30am bedtime. First on the list of shit to do was make preparations for curtains to cover the glass doors behind me. Until now privacy has never really been a problem but in recent weeks builders have begun works on three two-storey townhouses directly behind my house. For most people that would be no biggie but with the amount of porn and lewd content splashed constantly across my monitors it would be prudent to cover up as opposed to 12 months of tradesmen peering over the fence thinking I sit here all day wanking myself stupid...

Anyway with the design of this craptastic old house, installing curtains was never going to be as simple as drilling a few holes. The fix was installing some form of supporting rails. Easy enough but as with most things, fiddly and time consuming. That plus the obligatory hardware store and borrow tools run chewed up half the day. Afterwards a few more hours sanding and filling holes on kitchen walls and then straight out to find a birthday present... something I find incredibly frustrating. After an hour of aimlessly wandering I picked up the phone and simply asked what the birthday girl would like. Problem solved.

Back home again, in the shower and off to the city for the birthday dinner at some tiny Chinese restaurant. Probably would have enjoyed it more had my entree not come out as everyone was finishing their mains so for the most part I skipped dinner. That plus not having eaten for 24 hours lead to an unexpected red wine buzz so we headed off to the nearest bar. A few hours, a few tequilas and a few whisky's later common sense kicked in and I switched to water... did not want to strand my car in the city nor spend yet another Sunday hung-over and unproductive. Absolutely awesome night though.

Sunday was less manic and after a mini [read: much deserved] sleep-in, carried on with various crap around the house - painting stuff, drilling stuff, sanding stuff, even replaced a roof tile that was causing the kitchen to practically submerge every time it rains. So yeah... productive weekend. I figure if I can keep up this pace and continue motoring through my to do list, everything should be done in around 49 years.

Alright that'll do with the rambling. I now encourage you all to surf through the update with gusto. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Damn Addictive! - Lusty Gurls - Butt Naked - SEXY Chef's - Perfect 10 - Disco Hotties - World Cup Strip - Titty Cum

Smoking Baby - Girls Gone Wild - Awesome Explosion - Kylie's Ass - Appetite for Seduction - Tot To Hot - Sex Faces

Fucking Owned - Lost Babe - Random Godesses - Kendra Exposed - Bikini's Everywhere! - Wow Audrina - Epic Titties

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
--
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Liverpool". And they say blondes are dumb...
--
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Ashfield but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
--
In light of the drug scandal at the Fremantle Dockers, the AFL has decided to strip the club of all awards for the last 15 years. An AFL executive was spotted leaving the club this morning with 6 participation certificates, a Whopper voucher and 3 Freddo frogs.

ORSM VIDEO

WISE WORDS AND SAGE ADVICE

- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. That is why I don't argue with a politician.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich, look out.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left... left, oh ya they are the ones holding the protest signs.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
- If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

JAIME LYNN... ALL CLASS
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant. After being seated the first thing we noticed was that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%".

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon..."

ORSM VIDEO


TEENIE GIRLFRIENDS

NOT TRUE BUT A GOOD READ...

A story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.

A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.

He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, two fire trucks, two police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked: "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says the cactus man.. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.

CELEBREITY NIP SLIPS
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house".

I WANT THE WINDOW SEAT
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READER MAIL
Contrary to popular belief, updates don't just magically appear so please feel free to bombard me with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! Simply click here and immediately feel better about yourself. In the meantime however - check it...

ben wrote:
Subject: re: roid tits
hey orsm guy, just so you know, this brazilian douche bag you had a video of titled "Roid Tits" is not a roider at all. This dickhead has had chest, delt and trap IMPLANTS inserted under his floppy little body in attempt to look buff. He has since got bicep implants aswell, what a cock.
Gordon wrote:
Subject: early trains
Thanks Mal for your little note about the early trains leaving Subiaco,news reports are saying that authorities are putting drug bins outside the ground for Fremantle supporters and players
martin wrote:
Subject: bullfighting fail
hey old friend, finally i get to send you something again, but youve possibly been sent these pics dozens of times now. so this happened in spain obviously. the guy was in surgery for 6 hours and lived. the fight was continued with a new Matador after they had gotten the injured one out of the "ring". crazy shit anyway, pretty harsh.

Mark wrote:
Subject: Motorsport history photos
Hi Mr O, Let me be the first of many to advise that these shots are of David Bowden's collection, not Kevin Bartlett's.

Marco wrote:
Subject: UK muslim mps
I agree in the UK we're fkd, the muslims have got us and our politicians are vacant. I actually look to oz as a place where you people with far more common sense will stop it happening to you. I want to get on my daily slightly tainted oz orsm viewing and hear the words "I'm sick of this shit". In the UK we have the impression you ozers can actually do something without peeing your pants at the sight of a religion.

Martin wrote:
Subject: 'Islam is taking over' video
Hi Orsm, The MP in the 'Islam is taking over' video lost his seat at the General Election!!

Sucked in to the moron... and not because he is Muslim, because I'm yet to hear a convincing arguement for combining religion with politics. The proposed and apparently imminent Australian internet filter which will block access for everyone to porn and various other 'harmful' subjects is being pushed through by a goverment minister who just happens to be deeply religious. I already know who I'm voting for this coming election. -Orsm

Australian Sex Party. Sat no to the Internet Filter

PAUL G wrote:
Subject: Watch Red-light camera violations in Springfield
Do you think these drivers were born this stupid, or have they been working on it all their lives? Red-light camera violations in Springfield

Jd wrote:
Subject: Incident - Paper Shredder
My tummy want to turn when I see this ... Paper Shredder Accident. The picture below is of a hand that accidentally got caught inside an office paper shredder. The person tried to take out the paper stuck in the shredder and her fingers being caught and pulled inside.

Seriously messed up. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
Thought that you would like to see a photo of my friend. No name, e-mail or comments please.
click to enlarge
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bkguy4 wrote:
Subject: peanut butter M&Ms
I love peanut butter M&M's and now I see that I should save my old wrappers in case my taillight is broken out.

Yet another good reason for mass chocolate consumption. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Peeing chick
Hey Mr. ORSM, thought you might be able to use this for your next "pissing girls" gallery. Facebook payback is a bitch, I'm glad I nabbed this pic before the girl made her friends take it down. Hide details.
click to enlarge

Tanya wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate Name and Address!!!!!!
In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn, ERBUM, Tillet, Herts.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Beautiful New Wife
Hey Mr Orsm, Long time reader first time writer. Check out my beautiful new bride.... as you can see I'm a really lucky guy. Keep up the good work and withhold my details please

You're a lucky man, mate. -Orsm

Stuart wrote:
Subject: World Cup...
Don't be surprised if the Americans don't make it to the World Cup...

Took me a minute... -Orsm

click to enlarge
guyla wrote:
Subject: What a Deal!
Only double the price!!! Good thing I waited until Victoria Day!
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jeremy wrote:
Subject: shower shave
took a photo of this chick shaving in the shower

Holy fucking tits, Batman! -Orsm

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Michael wrote:
Subject: Arizona Sonoran Desert, outside Tucson, AZ
Hey everyone out there! We, in Arizona , know you're boycotting us -- but you really should come out here and see our Beautiful Sonoran Desert. It's just gorgeous right now! We know you'd love it and maybe you can share what you saw with the rest of the country so they can love it too! This is on an 'illegal super - highway' from Mexico to the USA (Tucson) used by human smugglers. It is estimated over 5,000 discarded backpacks are in this wash. Countless water containers, food wrappers, clothing, feces, including thousands of soiled baby diapers. And as you can see in this picture, fresh footprints leading right into it.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some pics of summer
Hi Orsm. Great site!  Been lurking for years but never contributed - hopefully until now. It was pretty hot here in Jersey (Channel Islands) this weekend and with heat comes the beach. Decided to go surfing today but when there wasn't any surf so I brought out the camera. Got a few pics of some unsuspecting ladies - beautiful!  Thank god for 400mm lenses and rotating viewfinders. Hope you can use these. Enjoy! P.S. Please keep my details safe.

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Terry wrote:
Subject: Chinese Walmarts
Items They Only Sell At Chinese Walmarts...

Pig faces - WHY? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
ex girl

I see vagina. -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: This was close
Luckiest person ever still alive after being run over by a haul truck.

Alive but somewhat thinner perhaps. -Orsm

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Sama wrote:
Subject: Boat going Cheap!!
Boat that sank in Mindarie Marina after hitting the reef, they craned it out & transported it by flatbed lorry down to Hillarys.

Probably the ultimate humilation for a boaty. -Orsm

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Jason wrote:
Subject: The Making of a Morgan Sports Car
Take a look at these photos of the remake of the classic Morgan sports car. It is completely handmade in England - and it starts out like a piece of furniture in the carpentry shop. After the hardwood frame is built for the body shell it is matched up with a steel frame that holds the engine, transmission and suspension, then it is finished off in the paint shop. Two models are shown here, the convertible and the coupe. It comes with a BMW 4.8L engine. No price was mentioned with these photos but I suspect if you had to ask then you couldn't afford it. (Hint: A deposit of £25,000 is required to ensure the supply of one of these exciting new models. It is anticipated to cost around £108,000)
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AC wrote:
Subject: Stev & Bill
Deep Economic Talk with Steve Jobs & Bill Gates
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Tony Polony wrote:
Subject: Brocky
The Brocky is back... VE style.

I fucking want one. -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: Horse & Mule
Horse & Mule power, another era
click to watch video
click to open PDF

Michael wrote:
Subject: FactoryFast
Hey ORSM, I occassionally send through some random emails I get from time to time. Mainly because if I find it funny or interesting - others probably will too. And I love adding to your great site. This is something a little different - not sure its post worthy. Anyway - its basically some back and forth email between my sister and I to FactoryFast - and online shit store. They basically sell cheap crap they import from China. My sister bought me a christmas present from them in late 2009 and gave it to me for xmas. Well it dies first use. They made us pay return freight - and have never given the product back, replaced it, or given a refund. Even now - late May 2010 we still have nothing from them. I wondered if you had other stories of being shafted by this company - or companies like it you could put together to post. Anyway, like I said - not sure if its useful or not. Either way - these fuckers have pissed me off! Cheers

Eerily similar to dealing with Samsung support people. -Orsm

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

PLASTIC FANTASTIC: LICHELLE MARIE
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At last, with Gordon Brown deciding to throw in the towel and resign, his cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. None of the privatised operating companies wanted to be associated with him but a bright spark remembered that the government owned the National Railway Museum. A senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"We have a number of locomotives at the National Railway Museum without names," the museum curator told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472. "That's already got a name" said the curator. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'." "Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the curator. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower." "That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the state of the economy." Well, said the curator, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

SEXUAL STATUES
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After an exciting, erotic, sexual 69 with his girlfriend, Larry remembered he had a dental appointment in one hour. Larry was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used flossed 8 times, and gargled 2 litres of Listerine. Before he arrived at the dentist's office, he had been sucking on a roll of strong mints just to make SURE!!!

Larry's turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling very confident and relaxed, Larry opened his mouth wide.

When the dentist got close enough he asked with a crooked look on his face "Wooooo Holy Mackerel, Larry... did you HAVE to do a '69' before your appointment?!" Larry asked in total amazement "Are you kidding' me?!! Why?!! Does my breath smell like pussy?!" The dentist replied, "No but your forehead smells like shit...!!"

TORI BLACK GETS LOOSE
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Ole was out enjoying a nice morning of duck hunting when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well Sir I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Vell, Ay guess dat isn't too bad," Ole replied. "Iss yewr sister von of dem plastic surgeons?" "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

ORSM VIDEO


And that boys and girls is how you do an update. And this is how you do an outro...

- Check out the site archives. What else are you going to do?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Supposedly.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take a shit on your chest and tickle you until some of it falls in your mouth. You'll probably get E. Coli and die.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy fishin'. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.05.20-21.49
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Hi all. I must admit that I was as shocked as anyone to learn that this is update number twenty for the year. Time flies when you live your life Thurs to Thurs but holy crap I remember update number one like it was update number eighteen...

Want to start with a shout out to all the people too stupid to be alive. Tuesday I had to vacate the homestead while the stinky cleaners invaded so decided to pass the time grabbing some essentials groceries. Being a weekday afternoon it leaves the small suburban supermarkets nice and quiet so I aimed for one of those. Pulled into the carpark, all of about five other cars scattered across an area which can park at least 50, and select a spot isolated from anyone else. Why is obvious - dents. I have criteria which must be met before selecting somewhere appropriate - no tight spots, never next to shitty unlooked-after cars, not near four-wheel drives or large cars and so on.

Admittedly this sounds incredibly insane but is usually all be solved by parking at the far end of the carpark where no one else parks because it's too far to walk. Simple. That's what I did on Tuesday and you can understand how outraged I was to return after ten minutes to find some fucking genius had parked me in - literally so close it was impossible to open the drivers door. In astonishment I look around at the plethora of empty spots and wonder who or what could be so. I say this: if you own an older Nissan Skyline with Vic license plates and were in the northern suburbs earlier this week then please do all of us a favour and end it now. It's already too late for you.

Finding myself in an incredible amount of pain at the moment. For the last few months my shoulder has been almost constantly sore. Hard to explain but ranges from somewhere inside my shoulder to the muscle or tissue that wraps over it. It's nothing new - I've had problems with that shoulder since a car accident years ago but it hasn't been this sore probably since then. To add insult, a nasty side effect of whatever the fuck is happening -besides the pain and mobility issues that is- is numbness and tingling on one side of my hand - pinky and half my ring finger almost feel like they aren't there until the tingling starts to hurt. Very gay.

What's caused it to flare up again remains to be seen but I'd say all the heavy lifting done in recent weeks, the cold weather and outrage related to lax immigration policies hasn't helped. Hopefully it will just automagically go away because the last thing I want to do is go through the treatment bullshit. Even if by some miracle you found a chiro/physio/massage place that actually ran on time so you didn't have to wait 45 minutes past your actual appointment, I just don't like being touched, poked or rubbed when there is no chance of orgasmic fulfilment.

Moving on to my hectic weekend which was absolutely... hectic. Saturday morning began with round three of the monstrous storage cupboard project. Took a bit longer than anticipated but when it was finally altogether and in place, it was all worth the effort. From there was off to the dog-wash which involved a particularly funny incident where my pooch got a upset with a cardboard cut-out of Dr Harry. Good girllll. From there it was a hardware store stop and home again to replace a couple of broken door handles. Funny thing about those handles... only took about an hour to fix yet they've been inoperable for over three years.

Woke up Sunday with inexplicable energy and wasted no time attacking a job I'd been putting off since last year due - strip a wall of its current shitty surface and re-cover it with plasterboard [or drywall as our Yank friends call it]. Not surprisingly ended up being far messier and more work than I thought and swallowed the entire day... only fragmented with yet another hardware store run that is. Seriously I am sick to death of Bunnings. Averaging 2-3 trips there a weekend lately for various shit and its fucking torture every time. Why? HOTDOGS IS WHY! Most Aussies will sympathise it's impossible to get in the place without walking past a BBQ manned by people making the most amazing smelling hotdogs anywhere in the entire world. Takes all your willpower to not buy one and once you're inside it's even worse because the entire store stinks of delicious cooked sausages.

I know I say something like this every week but this update is killer so I'll stop talking about shit no one cares about or has even the slightest interest in and drop the hammer. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

The Game - Human Shishkebab - Naked Chicks - What An Idiot - Jessica S - MILF Tits - Srsly Hawt - Mexican Pussy

Butt Sex Babe - Sexy Perfection - Abi Titmuss - Mermaid Love - Insatiable Babes - All The Haters - You Ugly!

The LOL Curb - Bachelor Party - Sexy CPR - Heidi Samuel - Unbearable - Nasty Stuff - Bad Actors - Duck Face

Three friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. Everyone drowned, and soon they were standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly, and said, "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy and his wife. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
--
Q. What's the difference between an Aboriginal woman and a bowling ball? A. If you try really, really, really, REALLY hard, you could eat a bowling ball.
--
Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?" "Uh huh," said Dick. "Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra. "Uh huh," said Dick. "And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra. "That's right," said Dick, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'it's too big, it's too big!'"

ORSM VIDEO

20 GOLDEN RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA
With a massive influx of soccer fans from around the globe about to descend upon South Africa for the World Cup it's important those planning on driving around understand the local road rules. They are as follows...

1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real South African driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you'll have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour'...
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.
14. When a need arises to stop, whether in the lane you are in or next to the road, the correct signal to use is the hazard lights. This is a sure way to confuse everyone else on the road and force them to slow down to make it safe for you to stop. 
15. A sign attached to the back of a mini-bus taxi that shows "100", is actually the minimum speed they're allowed to travel. Not to be misinterpreted with other very similar-looking road signs.
16. Our department of transport made special arrangements for people in a hurry that are caught in a traffic-jam. A yellow line was painted on the far left side of the road, creating an extra lane on the shoulder of the road. Use it, it will save you a lot of frustration and time. Rule 9 is important once you get to the cause of the traffic-jam.
17. Any slow drivers must stay in the centre lane when driving on any of our freeways. That gives you lots of tarred surface to swerving either left or right when you fall asleep behind the steering-wheel.
18. According to law, taxi ranks on the freeway will not have signs to indicate their location, as these spots can change location on any given day without prior notice to other road users.
19. Flashing blue lights on the rooftop will indicate either a police vehicle, road works vehicle, highway robbers getaway vehicle, tow trucks or politicians.
20. When you stop at the mall for just one or two items, you may use the handicap parking. Those people drive very slow, and you'll be out of there before one of them even enters the parking lot.

DANI WOODWARD
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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!"

"She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!"

"She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple of days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here."

"She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It's either screw or swim!"

"She pulled down her pants and... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I CAN'T SWIM!"

ORSM VIDEO


DARE DORM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table. Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my chequebook off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs... but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn't washed. The bills aren't paid. There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter. The flowers don't have enough water. There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book. I can't find the remote. I can't find my glasses. And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it but first I'll quickly check my e-mail...

SELF SHOT
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A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

THE BEST BURGERS EVER
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
My mailbox has been swamped with quality submissions this week and for that I thank you... well those of you who took a moment to send shit my way that is. As for everyone else - I'm writing you out of my will so suck it.

Contrary to popular belief, updates don't just magically appear so please feel free to bombard me with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! Simply click here and immediately feel better about yourself. In the meantime however - check it...

craash420 wrote:
Subject: Mistaken Video / Fatal Accident
I hate to disagree with the genius that is Orsm, but that clip shows someone deliberately jumping from a perfectly functional hang glider so I can't call it an accident. I'll agree with Luke and say it isn't an "accident" but an unfortunate error. As they say, "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't the sport for you!"

Mal wrote:
Subject: You've Got to be Kidding !
Look at this fuckwit!! Can this be true? Who will own up to voting for the Wanker. Doesn't matter whether you believe in climate change or not this just looks like tossing money down the drain.

Mal wrote:
Subject: Service Availability Advice
The Public Transport Authority have announced that from next weekend, and for all West Coast Eagles games, special train services from Subiaco to city will be introduced at three quarter time. The extra services have been introduced to cater for the growing number of Eagles fans who have been leaving the game early. If the trend continues, the PTA will also run special trains at half time.

Chris wrote:
Subject: Re: Jim the Canadian last week
Hi Orsm, Love your site - visit every week! Re: Jim the Canadian last week - he knows bugger all about map projections! The standard Mercator projection makes high-latitude countries like Canada look enormous, and shrinks areas closer to the equator. I have knocked up a little jpg with Australia & Canada side-by-side, together with areas from Wikipedia. The pics are clips from Google Earth, same scale; all I did was spin the virtual globe. Easy peasy!

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Dave wrote:
Subject: Cuntsman
My mate and I share this monstor old house, one night about 11pm I'm ironing in the sun room out the back when my phone rings - I answer and go wandering about out the back just walking around in circles along the edge on the pool as you do, as the phone conversation got a bit lengthy I thought I'd better peer thorugh the glass to make sure I'd left the iron standing upright and we weren't about to go up in smoke. A bit of nose to glass action clarifies that iron was good but as I pulled my face back it revealed that probably my left-fucking-cheek would have been grazing the hairs on the back on the attached eight legged friend. I am actually shuddering while tying, check that fucker out! You can only imagine the noise and reaction at spying that badboy so close my my face.. not cool. NB: I am the worlds largest homo when it come to spiders, I don't care how 'they're more scared of you than you are of them' I doubt it. Terryfying fuckers.
Guy wrote:
Subject: Cuntius Maximus
Awesome name for the Huntsman! I would think you guys would be used to seeing those over there. But you're just as freaked out as I am. We get a lot of these in the summer....Wolf Spiders. Cheers. AGHHHHH! Something's on my foot!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big tits!
hey orsm readers, F size tits of a fat chick i fucked, Enjoy.... hide details

Jesus... -Orsm

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chrisb wrote:
Subject: What were his parents thinking
Genuine gravestone in our local Cemetery, Hurworth on Tees North Yorkshire UK.

Apparently had a successful career as a politician. -Orsm

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Dave M wrote:
Subject: micropenis
dude you know when your browsing the cam4 thumbnails looking for a hot chick to jerk off to and you see somthing not quite right...? Check out the attachment lol

OH FUCK! How did the pics I took of myself get on the web!? -Orsm

click to enlarge

jrmr500 wrote:
Subject: No booze, no porn
A small contribution... may be funny or not. I feel like I owe it to ya. I've leeched of your free stuff for as long as I can remember. Anyway, I am in Darwin for work and I find it hilarious that there is 'NO PORNOGRAPHY' allowed into the restricted areas haha. Orsm site by the way. Thanks.

Australia... land of government cotrolled internet filters and you now have to declare to cutoms when travelling with any pornography. Are you really surprised? -Orsm

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Ashley wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
From Barry & District News, Wales. Local Team Barry FC, won the local league

Ballssssssss. -Orsm

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Shayne wrote:
Subject: Orsm boat!
Hi Mr Orsm, I noticed this boat at the Barry Carn Memorial Ski Race in Wagga and thought you'd like it. Keep up the good work!

Come on fuckers - who else has had a boat named after them?!? -Orsm

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connors wrote:
Subject: haha probed
well i thought it was funny, i'll leave it to you to make the call on whether it's "orsm" or not
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: reader mail submission, typo
Hi mate. I, as all ought to, hate Ed Hardy. And people who wear it. But fate has provided us with a big 'Fuck You' to Ed Hardy, as it rightly should. As seen outside La Trobe St Melbourne Central, this sign, thus confirming both a) that God has a sense of humour, and b) that the stupid fuckers are the dumbest people alive. This photo was taken months ago, and the sign is still up! Suuurely somebody who works there would have noticed by now. But they haven't (see: a, b above). Until they do, everyone living in Melbourne get to Melbourne Central and have a good laugh at their stupidity.

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: discounts
Even in death there are discounts...
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Unemployment Rises Again
G'day Orsm, All Brits will find this photo amusing. Don't know how well the news spreads but in the last week leading up to the General Election, the one eyed porridge muncher who masqueraded as our PM, was caught on tape referring to a woman he had just met as a bigot. (follow the link). Good riddance to a fucking Scottish arsehole. Cheers.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: NIP SLIP
Here you go a good nip slip at a wedding the girl looks like she has nice sized breast but once the dress slips you can see its all padding and not only is she flat, but very small nips. she is over 18. Thank you

Modern bra technology has been responsible for more disappointments than the Matrix sequels. -Orsm

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Danny wrote:
Subject: cheating ex girlfriend
hi. i have pictures of my cheating whore of an ex i thought u could use
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Terry wrote:
Subject: 1948 Buick Streamliner
Cool car.......and it's over 60 years old!!

Just needs a 3-foot rear spoiler, 28inch chrome wheels and a 5inch exhaust... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex pics for the Site
Hey ORSM, love the site, been coming here for years, figured I'd contribute. Hope everyone likes the pics! Please hide my info.
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: KB's Cars
Something for everyone in this lot...

I'd take everything except the Torana's... they can keep those. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of the ex (of course)
Finally time to contribute something to the website. The ex got a lot, but forgot about these. Enjoy. Sorry if i duplicated a couple of them. please keep my email address out of this. Thanks for the great site :)
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl Pics
Long time reader. Love the site. Here's some pics of a horny old girl. Hide my details please.
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Pricey wrote:
Subject: Engineer sucked into jet engine
Hey Mate, found these, thought you might want em. Pretty Graphic though. Just wonder if he had a full size coffin at his funeral or one the size of a matchbox. story as follows: A mechanic standing near a Boeing 737 at El Paso International Airport in Texas was sucked into one of the engines and killed. Continental Airlines Flight 1515 was preparing to take off for Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston when "a maintenance-related engine run-up of the right-hand engine" was carried out

Let's keep the 'sucked in' jokes to a minimum please. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: girls at the mall
I absolutly love working at the mall. please hide my info

A mall that sells naked chicks... where do we find this place? -Orsm

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Dan wrote:
Subject: Floatopia - San Diego, CA
some delightfully drunk hotties [and] a short vid of the mayem

I want to go to there. -Orsm

Michael wrote:
Subject: Jack Webb & Obama
This is incredible. For those of you who are not old enough to remember the TV program "Dragnet", it was a very popular show (I watched it all the time, so it had to be popular, right?) And for someone to meld this script to our current problems is astounding to me. Hope you enjoy it too.
click to watch video

DARE DORM

ORSM VIDEO

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said, "One!" The manager was appalled, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£124,237.64p."

The manager choked and exclaimed, "£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him!?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4."

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... well since your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing."

CAPRI ANDERSON
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RANDOM SHITE
Everything you ever wanted but better. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Barack Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited - all his life he's had a secret wish to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... you will find Mohammed higher up." "Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man!"

Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question, "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son... I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee...?" "Yes! Please, my Lord". God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out "Hey Mohammed - two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God - your government has failed you miserably!

BUDGET THEME PARK
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

STUNNING FIGURE
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A young guy found himself unemployed, with no money to pay his rent, bills, food etc. Being a good looking stud, he decided to hire out his body. He pinned a notice to his apartment door which read "On the bed $100.00. On the couch $50.00. On the floor $25.00"

A little while later an old woman walks by. She stops at the door, reads the sign and then thoughtful, goes home. There she breaks into her piggy bank takes the few savings that she has left and, money in hand, walks back to the young man's apartment and knocks on the door.

The young guy opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. The boy, touched, gives her a kiss and, after counting the money tells her "There's $100 here, so you want to do it in bed?" "Hell no" she replied. "Don't be so naive young man. I want it four times on the floor."

ORSM VIDEO


So this would be the bit I wind thing down and go on my merry way... but not until I do this...

- Check out the site archives... or don't. See if I care.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Word up.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use his successful persona and powers of persuasion to get you to invest in an exciting new business opportunity. At first you will resist because you're not really a risk taker but eventually you'll come onboard. After a few years, when you're setup and finally making huge money he'll execute an obscure clause in the franchise agreement and take everything you own. You see Ray is a vindictive cunt and doesn't care how much work or long it takes to screw you over, as long as he gets you in the end.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Akermanis is a human fail. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.05.13-22.53
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I never liked Westerns.

It's safe to say that life is back to full speed again. Last week was obviously just an anomaly sent to see if I'm still paying attention. Literally from Friday morning -the morning after I blogged about shit being quieter than usual- until now there's barely been a spare second. Far be it for me to complain... after all every decision I've ever made has lead me to this point right? And yeah there are probably a tonne of things I could change, reorganise or stop doing but where would the satisfaction be in that? Okay again yes there would be lots but I don't operate that way. Fuck stop being so pushy okay!?

I like being occupied. I like working. I like having shit to do. I got my first job at age 11 cleaning the supermarket butcher shop every day after school. After that it was collecting trolleys... and when I wasn't working there I was next door at the chicken place stuffing and roasting birds. All this in between school, playing football, gym and swimming. Now I think of it... this is a sick, lifelong pattern I've condemned myself to and seemingly couldn't break if I tried. Actually that's not entirely true - I sabotaged the five year supermarket 'career' by trying to -at the urging of mates- steal cigarettes. Funnily enough the only time I'd ever knocked anything off the whole time I worked there and it still haunts me to this day...

Moving on... it may be a coincidence but in this case I'm going with my prediction coming to fruition. Back in Feb I crapped on about a terrifying incident with a Huntsman spider which had invaded my kitchen. Ultimately it was a battle to the death - man versus beast. Thankfully I prevailed but previous confrontations with these little bastards have taught me they travel in pairs. Kill one and prepare for a visit from a vengeance filled relative at any time. This is where they get you... the battle may have been won but the war was far from it. You live in fear of reappraisal so ever since that warm February night I've been on the lookout for an eight-legged encounter and now, just as I was starting to relax my rigorous checking of the toilet, light switches before walking into rooms, handles, in boxes -pretty much everything- a new Huntsman appeared last night.

As I walked through the dark laundry I noticed something on the wall and instinctively turned on the light. GASP! Arrrgh! No no no... not going to fucking happen, dude! First thing to do was grab the camera to take some pics. Need to let people know what killed me if I don't survive. Next is the bug spray. At least 45 seconds of continual spraying saw him drop from the wall and onto the floor, take a few last steps and collapse. Victory! I rush past and head outside to find the dustpan and brush, come back to remove the corpse and the little fucker is GONE. Terror. Got a bit paranoid about some sort of aerial attack so more and more and more spray was unleashed until I decided no organism could possibly survive it. I did find him later though... crawled under the fridge dead. Now all I have to worry about is one of his mates coming back to finish the war...

Let's do weekend shall we? Admittedly I've probably written enough to just cut it short and get cracking with the update but let's be serious for a second and consider my bulging ego shall we...? Thanks.

Saturday was a brutally early start to continue on with the cupboard we'd begun the previous weekend. We managed to get everything done pretty quickly and delivered it to my place by midday which I thought would leave more than enough time to get the fucker sanded and a coat of polish on. Seven hours later that milestone was achieved and not too long after I passed out on the couch.

Due to crashing so early the night before I woke up even earlier Sunday and decided to wash the car and for the umpteenth time flatten the battery which as always required the roadside assist people. Thanks RAC - definitely getting my money's worth with you guys. Luckily they got there quickly and I jetted off for a Mother's Day Dim Sum thing in the city. Fucking amazing food too I should add. Afterwards I swung past my grandmother's place with flowers and then back home again for another four hours of sanding and polishing. Wish I could say the damn thing was finished at that point but still some final assembly and fitting remains for this weekend...

Okay now would be a good time to put on your rubber gloves and grab some tissues because this week's update is fucking amazing. I have no doubt this is the one which would win me an award if there were such a thing for pornographic blogs. Actually there probably is but it's not about being immortalised, it's about the love... man. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Play Blocky - Ass-Tastic - Beautiful Breasts - Inside Info - Brit Hotties - Awesome Oral Sex - Jedi A-Holes - Ghetto Head

Retaining Fail - Chicks Kissing - Mega Tits - Gemma Atkinson - Cute Gurls - Man Phone - Megan Fox - Fucking Psycho

Miss Universes' - Hard Bitch - Join The Empire - Your Momma - Crazy News - Crushed Nuts - Yo-Yo Pranker

A guy walks into an opticians with a 12" turd in a carrier bag. The Optician says "I am an eye specialist not a gastric doctor!" The guy replies "I know that but every time I drop one of these my eyes water!"
--
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
--
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!" Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3." The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere" The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?" "Lard ass!"
--
Did you hear about the Irish Exorcism? A mother had to call in the Devil to get the priest out of her son...

ORSM VIDEO

CLASSIC COMMENTATOR QUOTES

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." -New Zealand Rugby Commentator
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" -Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." -Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god! What have I just said??" -US PGA Commentator
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it." -Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on "Time Team Live"
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" -Female news anchor to weatherman
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday." -Steve Ryder covering the US Masters
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." -Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." -Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
"They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." -Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1"s UK eclipse coverage remarked
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." -Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." -David Coleman
"It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." -David Coleman
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." -Murray Walker
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." -Bobby Robson
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." -Ian Rush
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." -Frank Bruno
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." -David Coleman
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." -David Coleman
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." -Murray Walker
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." -Greg Norman
"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." -Alan Minter
"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." -Ron Pickering
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." -Murray Walker
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." -Jo Sheldon
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." -Ted Lowe
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." -Marlon Starling
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." -Terry Venables
"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." -John Snagge, commentating a boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. -Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." -Tony Crozier
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" -George Hamilton
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." -Ron Noades
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" -John Arlott
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" -Ian McNail
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" -Noel O' Mahony
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" -Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" -Ron Atkinson
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." -David Vine
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." -David Coleman
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." -Metro Radio
"... and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs." -Sue Barker
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." -David Coleman
"Sex is an anti-climax after that!" -Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that" -Desmond Lynam
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." -Ruud Gullit
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw". -Ron Atkinson
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" -John Motson
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." -David Acfield
What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" -Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" -David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them." -Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta

I COULD BE VERY HAPPY WITH KAGNEY ALL TO MYSELF...
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "So what do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Haha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute! That's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

ORSM VIDEO


DARE DORM

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100kmh.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there - the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as his chauffeur!"

SHOW ME SOME NIPPLE!
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go!"

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here" and -PING!- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" and -PING!- the man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?" The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a white, male, American, you have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared.

THE WORST PORN YOU WILL EVER SEE
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved! Now check this week's mail bag...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Muslim Man
Hi there. being a muslim i am an avid visitor of your site for the last 4 years........ in the recent update some one has uploaded the vid of an arabic guy thrashing his wife or some lady......... and the guy who uploaded it said that the muslim guy is a fucktard.......... Jesus whats wrong with people.......... did any body say that a christian guy blew up the FBI builiding in Oklahoma.(Timothy Mcveigh) or something. Or when in Assam or in Nagaland in India, or Tamil Tigers in Sri Lankia do what they are famous for killing and blowing up things.......no one in the media says that Hindu Man or Woman did that......

Let me assure you all Islam has got nothing to do with what that Asshole, did to that lady......... On the contrary Islam was the first religion on earth to Grant women the right of Heirness in Property of their Parents and Husbands. So what one asshole commits on ones own individual capacity should not be labeled to the entire religion. Curse that individual person alone. If not then start doing this with all the other religions too. Then say that a Jew did that and a Christian did that and a Hindu did that etc........ and get out of the double standards that the media has forced in our lives. Keep up the good work but also show responsibility when you upload such vids or remarks.....Peace to all. Enjoy your lives and help every one around you....

Ross wrote:
Subject: Support
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on. Please keep it going! To show your support for Kevin Rudd please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Mrs Rudd.
2.

Gary wrote:
Subject: GERMAN PARKING GARAGE
These photos are authentic, though mislabeled. What you actually see above is the interior of a 20-storey car tower in Volkswagen's Autostadt or "car city" in Wolfburg, Germany — basically a car dealership and theme park rolled into one. The Autostadt, which opened in 2001 and boasts a hotel, restaurants, a museum, and other attractions, sees over one million visitors per year. Car buyers take delivery of their purchases via a fully automated procedure whereby the automobile is plucked robotically from a cubbyhole in one of the two "twin towers," each of which holds up to 400 vehicles, and brought to its owner on a special elevator.

Lord Poseidon wrote:
Subject: Huge Crayfish Correction
Unfortunately, the guy who emailed you the crayfish is having a go. That crayfish is actually a kiwi, caught off the Westcoast, New Plymouth, Taranaki. We breed em big over here. Just check out another crayfish caught off Wellington coast. The Tassie boys can keep on dreaming eh :D

Luke wrote:
Subject: Mistaken Video
Hey Man, The video you have listed as a Fatal Accident. Not sure where you got it from, but I do not think it is an accident. The guy piggy-backing on the glider has a parachute on his back. I have heard of people doing this (being, obviously, cheaper than using a plane, and allowing access to some areas which would be impossible with a plane). From what I see of the video, it looks like the pilot gives him the OK to release from the harness, and the parachutist does that and drops away.

I think... because you don't see a parachute deployed when he is circling and the pilot seems to head for ground immediately after the guy is dropped/falls/unclips/whatever. -Orsm

Michael wrote:
Subject: Boing 727 Plane? Not privately owned like claimed
Yea...that guy who sent you in the info on the Boing 727....checked for the plane, trying to see more info. From what I can tell....it is [a hotel]. It's a private hotel suite of sorts.....What that guy did was send you the story about Joann Ussary but didn't send you the pictures of the right plane. [Here] is the link to the right plane.

Dan C wrote:
Subject: taxi cab fare thing
Three men agree to share a cab from the airport into town. When they arrive, the meter reads $25. Each man gives the driver a $10 bill. She hands them five $1 bills as change. Each man takes one of the $1 bills. They give the driver the remaining two $1 bills as a tip. Each man has now spent nine dollars and the driver has two dollars for a total of $29. Where is the other dollar?

Dude, who ever sent you that cant count, the total for the cab driver is only 27, not 29. 3 9's are 27

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Jim wrote:
Subject: Canada Australia comparison
Greetings Mr. ORSM, from the great white north! No intent here to start a tit for tat battle - We were just curious and put my rudimentary photoshop skills to work to take the size comparison from your site one step further. Don't take this as competition. We've been 'down under' and loved every minute of it. We, coming from a large country and understanding distances, chuckled as your European tourist visitors who, when in Sydney and asked what they had planned - said "we thought we'd go out to Ayers Rock for the day! It is like the Britain who called a friend in Vancouver (west coast of Canada) and said they had relatives flying in to Toronto (Centre-East Canada) - could they pick them up at the airport. The response back to Britain - "No - you pick them up - you're probably closer!" Not exactly true, distance wise, but close enough!
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Building
Apparently Building Surveyors in Wanneroo saw this one lol

I'm sure there's a reason for that... just can't figure out what it may be... -Orsm

Mark wrote:
Subject: What the hell is going on in New Zealand?
Words fail me. For our overseas viewers, I've helpfully attached a pic of what an HQ Holden should look like. I'm fairly sure you know what a '69 Mustang looks like.

It's as if they took my two least favourite 'muscle' cars to create one giant abomination. -Orsm

click to enlarge

joe wrote:
Subject: Tribal fight from Niguni. April 14.
i know i shouldn't laugh about it but i found it funny... the human pin cushion/human porcupine. This is from Freeport in west Niguni & is the result of a tribal fight........ ouch! Brings new meaning to back stabbing.

No one could ever say he got the short end of the stick... OR... these people are really taking acupuncture too far... -Orsm

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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Say no more.......And all this fuss about keeping their head covered!
Ha! Lucky she had the head scarf on so we didn't get any male impulse thoughts.
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Pic
Orsm, Been a reader almost since day one. I've sent in a couple of cool pix over the years that you've used, mostly Northern Alberta oilpatch incidents (rig fires, crushed trucks etc). I took a picture a few years ago in a town called Beaverlodge, Alberta and promptly lost it. I found it recently and figured my fellow readers would enjoy it. The good folks of Beaverlodge needed a town mascot and this is what they did. Cracks me up...
click to enlarge

Leaf wrote:
Subject: new car
I was looking to buy a new car but I don't think I can do it at these prices... please hide my info

Ad placed by the same guy who created the Wall Street crash last week. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Man, Facebook needs to double check its ads
You know...with hold email and all that....Great job as usual.
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mike wrote:
Subject: Random Shite pic
Hey dude I snapped this pic at the Candy aisle at a grocery store. they kind of glared at me but it was so worth it. I'd love to see this pic end up in random shite it deserves it man heh
click to enlarge

poor wrote:
Subject: Eat Here Get Gas
Love the site. I have been a long time reader. Longest one you have I bet. This sign is great you just have to love it. I had to eat there and yes I got gas also.

The best thing about gas... getting to enjoy your meal twice. -Orsm

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Sam-Sam wrote:
Subject: bali
Pics from my trip to Bali...

Tropical... -Orsm

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David wrote:
Subject: Ute damage by excavator / operator
These are the photographs of the incident which occurred on the 4th March 2010, at the civil development site at Upper Coomera, Qld. Plant operator, 62 year old, refused several instructions from his supervisor and was then told to park the excavator up by the site office and leave site. As he was driving past the supervisor's new Toyota Hilux 4x4 Ute, he drove the quick hitch on the dipper arm once through the bonnet and into the motor, twice through the cab, rolled the Ute onto its side, and then drove the dipper arm through the drivers door. He then parked the excavator in the parking area and proceeded to drive off site in his car. At the site exit he was told to wait for the Police and 'face the music'. He then assaulted and threatened a supervisor and then left site. So you CAN kill a Toyota!
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Now THAT'S frost!
This is in St-Pierre, behind Val Dirène in the Gaspésie in Quebec.  It is the frost build up - sort of like the ice storm but this was a frost storm. The offical term is a ZAG...zone d'amplification du givre (frost amplification zone). Yes, those are miles and miles of trees that look like marshmallows ..........
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ipod from eBay
Long time viewer of the site and first timer sending in I bought this Ipod on eBay and found some free music and some some pics here they are. If you going to sell your stuff make sure to blank it first. Please leave name and email off
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Unbelievable Integra.
Yo Mr O, Saw this parked in Sydney the other day. Some things really should be illegal. Some accompanying text :""Here in New South Wales, Australia, rugby league (football) is something if a religion. There are numerous teams in the competition, among them the Tigers, the Magpies, the Roosters and so on. The owner of this poor Honda is evidently a fan of the game, but either can't decide which team to follow, or he just follows them all. There's been a lot of (wasted?) time and energy put into this. Pity about the result. And I should explain, DILLIGAF is an expression coined by stand up comic Kevin Bloody Wilson which stands for Do I Look Like I Give A F***? The 'Urgent Organic Wheatgrass Delivery' truck nicely sums up the suburb of Newtown, where I found the car. It's all terribly alternate. The car is obviously registered, but I'm not sure how it passes the yearly inspection with that interior. You're not supposed to have any distractions in the car or anything obscuring the windows." Cheers.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of the ex
Mr. Orsm, long time visitor, and my first contribution. These are some pics of the girl I used to bang before she went all psycho ape-shit on me. I have some more if the frequenters of the site would like to see. Please hide my details, and keep up the fantastic work. I look forward to your updates from a shithole state in the midwest of the USA. Cheers.
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Be quik ..Fishing Trip on offer
Be in quick whilst the autumn months are still with us! I am planning a fishing excursion to Stewart Island in the next few weeks to co-inside with the Bluff Oyster Festival that I plan on attending. This is not a normal fishing boat jaunt. This is 5-star stuff! All gear, food, booze, supplied. The works! Relax in the spa pool and watch the sun set over Mount Anglem. Then gather around the piano and the well-stocked bar for an evening of romantic something. Expressions of interest to accompany me and the Mrs. are invited for this 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience. Publicity photographs attached. Call me back quick to ensure your spot.
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: Wheelpower
My wheelbarrow...

Fucking INGENIOUS. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: 1 Bedroom apt. in Texas
Clever idea, but where do they eat? This place seems very modern, perhaps like something you'd see in a swanky high rise condo or town house near the city, right? This 1 bedroom loft apartment was built inside a 1940's grain bin. It was renovated into this upscale unit after it was purchased and relocated to the grounds of the Gruene Homestead Inn in New Braunfels , TX ?? If that's not creative craftsmanship, then I don't know what is!??

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl pics
Hide info :) would be in deep shit if she know who i am.. Risky Risky me like! :P Anyways here are some girl pic's you might like ;) take a look at some faroese boobs.. those are real...

Amazing body. Really a tribute to her bloodlines. -Orsm

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Mr and Mrs G wrote:
Subject: missing 2 bucks
Hey Mr Orsm, So technically this is the second time i am writing to you. Last time, i remember I had replied to another one of your 'puzzles' where the 'cracker' had to update his name in a password protected excel file. To make it look nice, i had also attached a couple of pics on my wife and me(my dick actually) and Thanks that you posted them, albeit after 2-3 weeks. :-)

About the three dudes and the cab driver - The solution lies in the problem itself..or rather the way it is being told. The little trick is to subtract the two dollars from 27 dollars and NOT add them. Heres why:- Lets see how much money the guys gave to the cab driver initially i.e 30 bucks. They each get back 1 buck so the money they gave to cab driver really is only 27 bucks. This is the passenger side story - total expenditure 27 dollars. The hot driver received 30 bucks and she returned 5 dollars to the passengers so shes left with 25 dollars only. Then she is tipped 2 dollars, so now she has 27 dollars. Which is exactly the same amount what the passengers have spent. So it all adds up :-) And now as usual, here are some pix of us fucking. Let us know if u liked them and theres more that we would like to share. Cheers

Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Empire State Building
This was back in an era when real men built real big things, from the Empire State Building to the Hoover Dam, using the power of their back, muscles and sweat. Aren't you glad those times have changed?
click to open PDF

<with held> wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
I will try it this way let me know if it works and please hide the details if you use it.

Oh she's done that before. -Orsm

click to watch video

DARE DORM

ORSM VIDEO

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realises she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his arse!"

CELESTE STAR
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RANDOM SHITE
If everything was meant to be perfect then I'd never stash nasty stuff in RS... and where would be the fun in that? Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

BEAUTIFUL ROME
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A newlywed couple wake up on the first morning of their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.

The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off by his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over her pussy?"

The wife again refuses. This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over her pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks hesitantly. "I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

BROOKE BELLE
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!"

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us".

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read... 'NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN'

ORSM VIDEO


Alright time for me to go. Don't cry because it's over. Masturbate because it happened.

- Check out the site archives for more tasty Minestrone recipes.
- Next update will be next Thursday. You'll find I'm telling the truth.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put a dead baby stuffed with heroin in the boot of your car and call the cops.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and watch out for enormous car servicing bills. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2010.05.06-22.19
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. She's huge, but she's a champ.

Been kind of a slow week. I think this is what happens when you don't have 67 million things that to do? Whatever the deal it's a little unnerving being able to go to bed at a reasonable hour and even finish the update early enough that there is still time to do groceries on a Thursday night. That hasn't happened in forever. Maybe it's just that time of the year - the cold weather is arriving and people are beginning to hibernate taking their annoyances with them. Ah winter how I've missed you.

Speaking of which... kind of... fucking ridiculous how many of much of my Facebook newsfeed is devoted lately to people coming back from holiday, away on holidays or gearing up for holidays. I'm starting to wonder if anyone actually works anymore. Don't really know why but Bali appears to be the most popular too so perhaps I need to get back there one day to see what the big deal is. My last trip there was about 20 years ago and my strongest memories are of dirty everything and street 'vendors' mobbing us to buy cheap watches.

Moving on, this link should be required reading for all Australians. And before anyone says it, the whole thing is completely biased/slanted/whatever but the facts are hard to shy away from.

Weekend? After a quick Friday phone call it was decided we would build a basic wall unit. One of the main problems with this shithole, antiquated building I call home is the severe lack of storage. I guess when they built bottom-of-the-rung dwellings back in the early 70's people had less stuff and didn't need places to store anything. [You could probably also argue that people didn't run adult websites back then either and as such had didn't need anywhere to store all the porn]. What you end up doing is storing your gear in makeshift cupboards [read: cardboard boxes]. So the plan was to use the skills from my past career as a cabinetmaker and build something ourselves instead of spending hundreds if not thousands on an equivalent contraption from Ikea.

Saturday. Got started early, selected a spot for the unit, took measurements, hit the hardware store for a whole stack of MDF and then trailered it off to a mates place where the tools are. From then until late afternoon was nonstop cutting, gluing and screwing of what became a substantially bigger than intended cupboard - 2.4 metres wide by almost the same height. Unfortunately didn't get it quite finished and that's what the coming weekend will be for.

That evening... what was supposed to be a nice, quiet evening with friends ended with my car half covered in spew. Let me explain... we hit the big city for dinner, some ooby-dooby place we'd never been. All was well until my second glass of wine and associated buzz. I'll say at this point that I'm NOT a lightweight drinker... can keep up with the best of them but after exerting my arse off the entire day, not eating and hitting the vino on an empty stomach the 'quiet night' part was soon over. Dinner eventually segued to a bar, shooters, spirits and eventually a highly inebriated state.

Shenanigans continued, at some point I either dragged merrily or was merrily dragged to the ground causing a particularly painful injury. Come 1am-ish everyone was ready to bail. We'd all come in my car which obviously I was unfit to drive but luckily we had someone [sober I might add] able to. Everyone in... car starts moving forward... next thing you hear -bang!- as the rear car door is slammed open against a pole [cunt] followed by intense vomiting as one of our dinner party unloaded a whole night of cocktails and the like.

The trip home, down the freeway, at the petrol station etc saw more of this emptying action. Getting out of the car was an eye-opening experience. Keep in mind I religiously wash, polish and focus attention over my metal princess as if she were someone I want to have sex with and seeing dried spew spread from the rear door all down the side and across the back was not pretty. All I can say is thankfully it was nothing a wash couldn't fix and destroyed friendship couldn't fix...

Slept in Sunday. Probably more to do with Saturday's physical efforts than being hung-over but whatever it was I deserved it. First thing to do was get car back and from there it was mostly just rest and relax in front of a DVD with some derby football thrown in. All up another awesome boozy weekend...

Okay I could go on. Anyone who's ever endured reading the rubbish I purvey knows this but what you will find below is an update that I'm particularly happy with and denying you guys from it any longer would be unfair... well not unfair but seriously you're reading the words of some random guy that you don't know, will probably never meet and most likely couldn't give a shit about so do yourselves a favour and check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

2 Addicitve - Insanely Brilliant - Smokin' Babes - Facebook Truths - Bad Mothering - Unfknblvbl - Jism - Fetish Porn

Life Aint Fair - Monster Breasts - Outlandish Girls - Click For Tits - Jap Schoolgirls - Play-Bunny - Aussie Goddess

I'm Stimulated - Ninja Cats - Want Go There - Great Sword - Nude Glee Babe - Looks Good - Classic Stoners

My mate's shagging a pair of twins. I said "How do you tell them apart?" He said "It's easy - Julie's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache."
--
The wife and I were having sex in the bedroom the other night when she suddenly stuck her finger up my arse. I have to say it was not at all unpleasant, quite nice really. Then I remembered that the dog was also in the bedroom and the wife was handcuffed.
--
One of life's great mysteries - how is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK, but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT?
--
Three men agree to share a cab from the airport into town. When they arrive, the meter reads $25. Each man gives the driver a $10 bill. She hands them five $1 bills as change. Each man takes one of the $1 bills. They give the driver the remaining two $1 bills as a tip. Each man has now spent nine dollars and the driver has two dollars for a total of $29. Where is the other dollar?

ORSM VIDEO

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!"

MICAH MOORE
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THINK LOGICALLY

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

How did you go? Check your answers...

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days - yesterday, today, and tomorrow! Or... Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day!

5. The letter e, the most common letter used in the English language, doesn't appear in the paragraph.

ORSM VIDEO



Two women are chatting in office.

Woman 1 "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2: "Yes". Woman 1: "Was it good?" Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?" Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour and when we got home -remember there was no electricity- so I had to light frickin' candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

DRUNK GIRLS
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HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL
For those that don't know about history, here is a condensed version...

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolised by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud, Coors or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans... that is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history. And there you have it... let your next action reveal your true self.

CARNIVALE 2010
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Quieter week on the email. Was it something I said...? Was it because I laughed at your ridiculous dress-sense? Because I beat you at Mortal Kombat back in '98? Whatever the fuck it was - not fucking good enough! That of course isn't to imply this week's mail bag is anything other than stellar but the whole 'less is more thing just aint true... MORE is MORE so please -for the love of god and tits- drop whatever you are doing and send me an email. I don't care what it is... video, pics, jokes, porn, links, whatever. All you must do is click here and it'll happen. Check it...

David wrote:
Subject: My Gay Mate hilariously fails the Cinnamon Challenge.
I showed the gay guy in my office all the clips online of people failing the Cinnamon Challenge, and he still thought he could do it. It makes it funnier that he is so gay LOL Enjoy

Hilarious. Cinnamon is the new ipecac...? -Orsm

doak wrote:
Subject: CAT III-B Approach (Auto Land)
Note the AGL altitude calls: 200 (feet) land 3, 100 land 3, 50... (land 3 confirms/repeats a 'hands off, feets off' approach & landing)...the next call is 'speed brake on'... this confirms that the spoilers have deployed after being activated by compression of the 'squat switches' as the mains touch...the nose touches and only then do you see the touchdown zone lighting in the runway...

Aladdin wrote:
Subject: Another great Australian invention.
The video on this website of the boys demonstrating the applications of the spilly (the unspillable billy) is fucking hilarious. these guys are marketing geniuses looks like they have already sold enough spillys to their mates to go out and buy some flash gold chains too. mark my words these men will be millionaires I just ask that you don't post this on the website until after my pay day because the demand will make the price skyrocket and i NEED to get me one of those things.

You would have to be a stoner to come up with that. Does anyone else see the irony? -Orsm

PAUL G wrote:
Subject: Homeland Security at JFK
I do not understand how this man, Faisal Shahzad, can make a plane reservation to the mideast, on the way to the airport, pay cash at check in, and then get on the plane. As U.S. Citizens,if we are going overseas, we must purchase our tickets at least 2 days in advance, no exceptions. The guy was on the runway, ready to take off, when they called the plane back. Lucky for everyone on the plane that he wasn't packing explosives !!!! This will make a great movie. Sad, very sad.

O4 ORSM wrote:
Subject: thought you might like this
Hi Orsm, thought you and David Tua might appreciate my new Rego in the NT, Great site guys

This made my day. Brilliant! -Orsm

click to enlarge
FCUK wrote:
Subject: funny sign
here is a funny sign I passed by going to the library of UW. Love your site.
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Hail damage
In the recent storm, this is the hail damage that we sustained..........Being a trooper, the wife didn't say anything but I noticed in the bathroom this morning and I've sent a claim in to the insurers with a photo. They may be able to repair, but I'm hoping they'll write the lot off and give me a new one...........With my new for old policy I'm quite excited!
click to enlarge

OneMan wrote:
Subject: HUGE cray
This is a cray caught on Tassie's east coast. Took 2 people to bring it up. The cray below is of a legal size The cray above is 8kg and sitting on a full size dive tank Crikey!

So dinner at your place then? -Orsm

click to enlarge
OneMan wrote:
Subject: new warning sign
Below is my new sign... for my front yard. It beats the heck out of those worthless security or alarm signs ! .............and I apologize that my grouping is a little sloppy !
click to enlarge
Andrew wrote:
Subject: Just Like Humans...
Yo Orsm one, Just a kwik one for you that I just knocked up ...use it as you will - great site man!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: gay angel?
found this picture on facebook...Classic. Please hold my info

Pride called... want their costume back. -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: GERMAN PARKING GARAGE
This is pretty amazing! Can you imagine how all this operates? The two photos were taken at a new parking garage in Munich. The actual space that the facility occupies is approximately only 20% of a comparable facility with the traditional design that is used primarily in the US. Not only is the German structure less expensive to build, but vehicles are also 'retrieved' in less time and without the potential of being damaged by an attendant.
Sebastian wrote:
Subject: pic
Hey, I'm Sebastian from germany... I do visit your great site for several years now and when I saw that some minutes ago, I thought this could be something for you... Still can't believe it... "it" didn't even have an info on the profile that its not... you know... damn...
click to enlarge

Mark wrote:
Subject: Self Shot
Can't remember whether someone sent me these of an their ex-girlfriend or not .. wherever I got them, they're nice self-shots :)

Hottest girl in the history of forever. -Orsm

click for gallery
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Locomotive Engine Incident
This is Canadian National locomotive number 2699. It is a 212 ton machine powered by a 183 liters 4400 hp V16 4 stroke diesel. Shortly before this picture was taken, whilst working under load, 2699 experienced what is known in the trade as a 'catastrophic uncontained engine failure'. The train was passing the town of Independence, La at the time. The first pictures show that one of the 16 cylinder packs that form the engine was ejected through the engine bay body side and thrown clear of the locomotive. In addition to this the piston from that cylinder was thrown free by the force of the failure. It was ejected so violently that it travelled through the air and crashed through the roof of a nearby home where it imbedded itself in an interior wall.

Jay wrote:
Subject: A PINK DOLPHIN
Think pink... You're not seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. This albino dolphin is pink. "Pinky" is believed to be the only pink dolphin in the world, and has "reddish" eyes. It is usually spotted with its dark grey mother.

I think 'gay dolphin' would be a more suitable name. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some chick
Some chick who sent me these pics by mistake hahahaha no phone number but please hide my details thanks champ love the site
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Terry wrote:
Subject: One of the cars of the Sultan of Brunei
At the special request of the Sultan of Brunei, the Rolls Royce company combined their car designs with that of Porsche. This vehicle is currently in London for use during his stay in Britain.

Looks like one of those monstrosities from that Pommy Chop Shop show. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Retirement Home
Hey, I've been a long time lurker from Canada. Here is an interesting house made from a Boeing 727 fuselage. Keep up the good work. Pay attention, airlines. Here is a way to recap some of those losses. Imagine having a Boeing 727 as a home. The plane set Joanne Ussary back $2,000.00, cost $4,000.00 to move, and $24,000.00 to renovate. That's not bad for a $30,000.00 investment. The stairs open with a garage door remote, and one of the bathrooms is still intact. And let's not forget the personal Jacuzzi in the cockpit.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Rattlesnake On Steroids
Guess what was found just south of Jacksonville. 15 foot Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake. Largest ever caught on record. After seeing this, I did a little research, and learned the following: One bite from a snake this large contains enough venom to kill over 40 full grown men. The head alone is larger than the hand of a normal sized man. This snake was probably alive when George H. W. Bush was President. A bite from those fangs would equal being penetrated by two 1/4 inch screwdrivers. A snake this size could easily swallow a 2 year-old child. A snake this size has an approximately 5 and 1/2 foot accurate striking distance. (The distance for an average size Rattlesnake is about 2 feet).
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for the orsm mail bag
G'day orsm. I found a memory stick on the street a little while ago with a heap of porn on it, here's just a taste, more to come, enjoy. Hide my det's please. Love your site by the way, always look forward to fridays.

Amateurs. Me rikey... -Orsm

G+M wrote:
Subject: cartoonised
Hi ORSM. here's a cartoonised version of my gf's masturbation. Hope you enjoy.
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Transocean Rig disaster
This is fairly awesome and will be interesting to a few of my rig mates, for others the technical description is more than accurate. One little error, they call the Derrick (the bit that holds the drill stem) the 'mast'.
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click to watch video

SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: Chinese Technology, Simply Amazing...
The train that never stops at a station: How to get on and off the non-stop high speed train! A new Chinese train innovation - How to get on & off the bullet train without stopping. No time is wasted. The bullet train is moving all the time. There are 30 stations between Beijing and Guangzhou, so just stopping and accelerating again at each station will waste both energy and time. A mere 5 min stop per station (elderly passengers cannot be hurried) will result in a total loss of 5 min x 30 stations or 2.5 hours of train journey time! The Chinese are innovative enough to come up with a non-stopping train concept. When the train arrives at a station, it will not stop at all.

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Muslim man is very idiot and bastard man !
What the hell is wrong with these fuck tards? Why the hell did he loose it and beat up on her like that? What a wimp coward maggot. Muslim is really bastard and cruel...

Holy crap. Muslim or whatever - what kind of a sick maniac does that? -Orsm

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DARE DORM

ORSM VIDEO

Bongi was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurt. She had never had a boyfriend so she went to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet".

Bongi left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought to herself "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins" so she decided to jump off the bridge right away.

Incredibly though Bongi didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted as soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!"

JENNIFER TO THE MAX
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Two rednecks men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?" The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." The second guy smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, the two guys bump into each other. He asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?" The second replies... "No, but it shouldn't be long now... she sent all her clothes yesterday!"

RANDOM SHITE
Don't ask me what you'll find in here. I'm serious - DON'T ASK! Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

IMPROVISED FIXES
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The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more". I asked, "What do you mean there's more?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said... "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

CYTHEREA
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Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just £100."

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly".

The British Diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."

ORSM VIDEO


Well I could go on but... I'm not going to. Except for this last bit anyway...

- Check out the site archives and win big.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Because that's how we do things around here.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cut your face off and go on a murderous rampage. Just like that movie Face Off...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not traffic drugs. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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