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May 2011...
orsmupdate 2011.05.26-21.29
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Abolish politics and religion.

So I'm just going to start with the events of my life and in particular the last week. I'm sure some of you will feel disappointed not hearing my well thought out come-at-it-from-a-different-way opinions on various social matters affecting the world but crapping on about me and my life is just easier...

Any plans of a brisk stroll were quickly abandoned upon waking up Friday morning with the arrival of very heavy rain and winter. Parts of the city had flooded which brought immeasurable joy because a road trip was about to begin. Anyway after getting the pooch homed I departed to pick up my passenger. Had been told a quick grocery stop was required to pick up a few 'essential items'... half an hour later and a full trolley later we were done. Repeatedly asking "You know there's just three of us going for two days right?" fell upon deaf ears. If anything, the weekend was a lesson in gross over preparedness, with two grossly over prepared girls. I'll just preface this by saying normally a weekend of seclusion with two girls would be an awesome experience but for fun they tormented me with discussions of menstruation, bladder infections and who could forget yeast infections.

We arrived a mid-arvo in Bunbury, a port city 175km south and one of my least favourite places. Matter of fact its only saving grace is that you can drive around it, but for some reason that was where it'd been decided to rendezvous. From there we headed inland, made a stop to ditch one person and three of us got back on the highway, destination Nyamup. No one has ever heard of this 'historic mill town' which in fact isn't a town at all and located literally in the middle of fucking nowhere. So why did we choose it? One of those voucher websites had a deal which was -apparently- too good to pass up. It was at least tranquil... and by tranquil I mean no mobile phone or internet coverage, no TV signal and no traffic. Admittedly that turned out to be a good thing because without distractions you are forced to relax. It was also another example in the effectiveness of lowering expectations. They advise you that: there are no onsite staff; no shops, no fuel; no drinking water etc. Anything beyond that is a bonus therefore the only real complaint was the bitter, bitter cold. You know how I said that day was the arrival of winter... well I packed based on the day before the arrival of winter and suffered accordingly. The girls however, did not, because every possible contingency was [ridiculously/incredibly/insanely] packed into countless bags and suitcases.

Did not sleep well that night. Not sure how many times I woke up shivering either but it was around then I renamed the place to Nyamarctica. Decided a 7am walk through the forest would warm things up [it didn't] and discovered why you can't drink the tap water. Nasty swamp was nasty.

Had a bunch of things planned for the Saturday so headed for a town called Pemberton. There isn't lots to do there but it is one of the most beautiful places in the world. We were supposed to take a tram ride but stumbled across a Targa event which put the kibosh on that. Was absolutely awesome too - tonnes of different cars ranging from old Ford Escorts to Porsches to a Dodge Viper and even a new Skyline. Fantabulous doesn't do it justice. Pics below. From there we hit a winery for lunch which was underwhelming, or my expectations are too high, depending on whom you ask. Either way, an espresso shouldn't be served in a mug.

The mid-afternoon trip back was cool in that the only other traffic on the roads were the Targa cars heading back to town. Pretty awesome cruising along with them. The only other thing we did before returning to the cabin was stock the fuck up on firewood. Spent the night playing various board games, getting drunk on very bad wine and fighting off accusations that I was in a bad mood. Note: I'm quiet when I'm tired. Leave me the fuck alone. Slept almost as badly that night. Apparently the extra blankets fell off moments after drifting off which was the ultimate in gayness. Another lesson was taught the next day too - I'm not a morning person. Leave me the fuck alone.

T'was back to Pemby after check out to take the much anticipated tram ride at which point we stumbled across the Targa again... which this time was happening right through the actual town. No amount of subtle suggestion was going to make that the option though. The tram tour itself was interesting and that was in spite of the conductor espousing shit that simply wasn't true and his misuse of big words. FYI an inanimate object cannot be pedantic and pragmatic. It just can't. Have I mentioned the general coldness? Because fuck me if that trip through the forest didn't take the very icy cake. We'd been warned the temperature drops 'up to' 8°C [46.4°F] but until you experience it with nowhere enough thermal protection it's hard to truly appreciate.

Back to the car and more importantly, the heater, we stopped at a friend's place for lunch on the way home. It was then that a gigantic personal step towards not being such a control freak was taken. The girls had complained that they were prone to getting car sick and devised a plan... they drive, I take the back. Can safely say I haven't done that since getting my license but being able to surf the web, make calls and start this week's blog all whilst explaining how my car should be driven was surprisingly enjoyable. All up, despite the conditions, an amazing weekend that came close to rivalling the Easter escape a while back.

Well that went pretty damn long didn't it? If you're an Orsm regular then you'll already have scrolled down to the good stuff. If not, then you just wasted five minutes. The good news for everyone though is my very good mood today. I wanted to drop a bomb on this week's update and that I've done. It's a monster so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

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Tower Battle - Party Chicks - Weird Babes - Kids React - Lohan Nip Slip - The Jizzle - Dumb Fuck - Gettin' Freaky

Bus Wanker - The Master - Kelly Brook - Sad & Disturbing - Hero Seal - Walmart Rap - Classic Clip - Aww Puppy

F1 Tech - Oh My God!! - Sexy Wrestling - More Lindsay - Crazed Wife - Hacking 101 - Strandbeests - Great Proposal

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs."
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Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.
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I bought the wife a memory stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
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A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught...?"
--
The guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer and then asked "What happened?" He said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity". "No kidding?" "Yeah. But that little honey was determined to keep it.
--
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.
--
I got home from the pub at 3am this morning. My wife screamed "Where the fuck have you been!?" I said "I left the pub at 11pm, but I was so drunk it took me 4 hours to find our house. I've been across fields, through bushes and I've got some really deep scratches". She said "Well that's stupid, why didn't you just get a cab?" I said "Because I had the car".

ORSM VIDEO

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me" argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet.

On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied "I'm a logical scientist" "A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden". The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued "Which means it's logical to assume you have a large house". "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself" the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist" "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a wanker then!"

CARLI AND CELESTE
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Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold".

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit.

'This is great' thought the captain 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!" "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

ORSM VIDEO



Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you fucking clowns asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair".

LARGE AREOLA
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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought.

Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them".

TARGA SOUTH WEST IN PEMBERTON
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Ashmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years".

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!"At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

HALIE JAMES IS HOT BUT HER TATS SUCK
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just auto-magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved! Now check this week's mail bag...

Gonzo T. Great wrote:
Subject: Political Axioms
You are spot on with the Political Axioms. The opposite of progress is Congress. -MarkTwain. From anonymous:
-The shortest distance between two points is a lawmakers pay raise.
-All politicians are equal, specifically when they are swinging at the end of a rope.
-If at first you don't succeed, be reelected.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hockey Playoffs
I think I would sit for two minutes after a penalty if I had that kind of view. love the site, plz hide details. BTW - Vancouver won! I'll think I'll take her jersey autographed any day though!

I think we're all wondering if that's what you get for being bad, what do you get for being good? -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Park Planking
Hi, I hope you like my picture, "just a day in the park planking". Please withhold details, thank you.

This planking thing is out of control. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: planking
us Abos we bin plankin long time
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Andy wrote:
Subject: Handy color (or colour) converter
For anyone contemplating marriage, this handy chart might save you a few hours of arguments.

Frighteningly accurate. -Orsm

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Stephen wrote:
Subject: Some hope for the USA still..
Heres a article that that shows a chance stilll exists..

Glad the none of the Marines 'slipped and fell'. -Orsm

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Russ wrote:
Subject: Some like it hot?
Hey Orsm! Looking at the this picture I have to ask myself: How many trucks would a looney fuck if a looney could fuck trucks?.

I can't believe she married a black one... -Orsm

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David wrote:
Subject: The Rooting Police???
Hi Mr Orsm. This may make perfect sense to the yanks, but to us Aussies I'm sure this is quite funny. Fancy not being able to use a rooted device any more! And what is it with the rooting police?? Cheers and keep up the great work.

Think we've covered this before - in Australia rooting means fucking, rooted means fucked, etc. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Craigslist
now I'm not sure where Monroeville is, but with such a proposition I'm sure we'll get there somehow??? Anyway I thought this too good an offer not to share her/it with friends, so go reply and enjoy.

Takisha be crazy. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Craigslist
From Craigslist in the Missed Connections... Please hide my details

That's not where I thought he/she was going with that. -Orsm

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rick wrote:
Subject: homeless man
Give a homeless man a log and he'll be warm for a day. Set a homeless man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

So how much for physical abuse? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Da hell is this?
Welcome to Sikura Village: An ODF Area:)

Is this a message to people or pet owners...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Signage dyslexear

What? I always thought 'smelly bfeath' was a legitimate problem? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Homemade Lambo
Orsm I know you like the weird customs ones. When you want a Lamborghini Reventon but can't afford one the solution is obvious... Build your own. This car started life as a Nissan Cefiro and took team of three less than 2 weeks of cutting, grinding and welding to come up with a DIY Lambo.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dumbass Engagement Photos
This guy posted on Facebook "engaged" a few months ago, then posted these pictures. Now his status is single. Poor guy. Chick is kind of hot though.

Argh why do people do these stupid photos. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: If you see one of these starting to smoke...RUN!
Gear oil failures in windmills. Here are some photos of what happens when transmission failures occur in windmills. To date no gear oil has been invented to withstand the pressures produced within these transmissions. Most recently, the government gave Dow-Corning a big grant to work on it. Previously, many others had tried and failed. Boy, they really burn good, don't they?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Birds nest
Hey. First time contributing. Never seen one like this before. No detials given please. Regards.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Monorail?
orsm thought the guard rail was meant to keep you on the road. dont ask me how in fuck you do this. stupid americans.

Car kebab. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Yogi Bear!
These pictures are said to have been taken by a fellow from Grande Cache, Alberta in Canada, 1.5 hours south of Grande Prairie, by the Berland river on Highway 40. Take a look at the time frame in the bottom right-hand corner of each picture. It took Yogi just ten minutes to pick up a lady Bear, invite her to dinner, feed her a terrific meal and get laid. Is this guy good or what...???!!! HE IS A LEGEND!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
G/F pics, hide details please

Nice little tata's. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Dog needs an exorcist
Hello Mr Orsm, Very long time reader, never participated. Herewith you'll find a video of my Dog, seems to be possessed ? Keep up the good work and please hide my details. I miss the "Priceless period" a lot...
click to watch video
justin wrote:
Subject: Shopping Trolley
Dear store manager, We have responded to your request to have all trolleys at your store recalled and adjusted to fit your requested dimensions.
click to open Powerpoint file

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy." Another student says, "Grass is definitely green".

The teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either".

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said, "No. But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion". So the student replies "Then I definitely shit my pants."

ORSM VIDEO

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says "Some things you just can't explain". "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over". "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over". "Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail".

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed". The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain". "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain!!"

RENE MILLER
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A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six months to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

RANDOM SHITE
This lot will keep you busy for a few minutes... busy trying to figure out WTF that is. Check it...

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A man and his wife were talking and he says "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest." "Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!" "But sweet thing" he says "the prize is $100!" "I don't care" she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody!"

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. "Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" "Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says. "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes. The man looks at her fondly and says "Only enough to win..."

SAMMIE RHODES
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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and i thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said thanks and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?" She explained "The egg timer's broken."

ORSM VIDEO


Well that's about it for this week and May it seems. Much fun was had sticking this puppy together and I'm almost sad to see it end but there is more so reading the following will most certainly be helpful...

- Check out the site archives. They'll amuse you more than watching someones monster child hurt themself.
- Next update will be next Thursday evening OR if you're in a different timezone - Thursday morning.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will plank on your face. All over it... yeah you like that don't you bitch...?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rug the fuck up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.05.19-19.29
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. So umm... do you watch the Biggest Loser...?

I'm convinced there's something wrong with my brain. It seems to be racing uncontrollably. Kind of like I've just had five Red Bulls and am happy drunk, without actually being drunk, but at the same time. Can't switch it off which makes getting to sleep a bitch so I wake up later which screws my routine which then unsettles me. There's the possibility I'm just getting insanely smarter and at some point that will stop and I'll return to my normal, vegetative state. Flowers For Algernon anyone?

Oh the fucking unbelievable gayness that comes with being cut off from the outside world. Returning from my Friday morning walk I saw a technician stop at the front of my house, pop open a cover on the footpath and sit down to dig around in there. I grabbed the dog, took her for a 20 minute sniffing/pissing/shitting lap and came back to see the tech replace the cover and make a hurried exit. In hindsight I probably should have legged it after him to find out exactly what was being touched. Anyway it was then that the problems began - phone line was unusable and my ADSL dropped more frequently than a raver on a Saturday night. It remained that way until Wednesday when after numerous phone calls, an onsite visit and god knows what else it was finally rectified. Absolutely fucking pathetic that so many drawn out procedures must be followed to get anything done these days. No amount of "Let's not waste time - whatever the guy touched is the problem" makes a difference - you still need to have line tests, verify your home equipment isn't to blame etc and then just wait. Lesson: Telstra needs a very, very hard punch in the face.

Has definitely been the time of year for things breaking too. Also afflicted was the shower taps [faucet?] which crapped out and left water gushing ferociously, my iPhone went inexplicably haywire, the Orsm server issues recently, plus various other minor annoyances. They say the world is expected to end this Saturday the 21st and I think these things are just the build up to that event - The Matrix is clearly not functioning properly.

Anyway on with Friday. As has become a weekly thing, I met a friend to have the first of what were many, many coffees over the coming days and go shopping. Was then that I learned just how much of a chick magnet babies are - while she shopped, I hung out in the mall with her two-month-old which gets you countless smiles [mostly] from girls and women. Unfortunately though, holding a child implies fatherhood so fail. Spent the rest of day running around, unsuccessfully tried to find a birthday present, met a mate for coffee and then swung past to see another mate at work for yet another coffee. Best way to fight a caffeine comedown is to not stop.

Did the breakfast/café thing early Saturday before heading off to return some clothes. Bought trousers about two months ago, chucked them in my wardrobe and forgot about them but with a wedding coming up tried them on again and, much to my smug satisfaction, had managed to shrink out of them already. From there it was a grandmother visit, more unsuccessful present shopping and of course... coffee. It was late afternoon by the time I got home and took the dog for a quick walk through the local primary school. Nothing too unusual about that except for the three canoodling teen couples scattered around the place I startled. Honestly had no idea it was such a brothel on weekends. Had three options for the evening - dinner at a friend's place, movies with sis and bro-in-law or dinner out somewhere. Went with the latter based on the name which loosely translates to 'The Pig' and massive undersell. Something like: "It really is the worst restaurant I've ever been to... just want you to know before committing". Pretty much lived up to the disclaimers but a fun time was had nonetheless.

I unwittingly double-booked Sunday but decided to do both instead of disappointing anyone... obviously I have that about me. First was a get together at a café along the coast ahead of 10am dash into the city for a dim sum thing - third time in eight days is getting a bit ridiculous but attendance was more or less mandatory. I almost cringed when it was suggested we go for coffee afterwards but off it was to a 'trendy' little place slightly out of the CDB which is frequented by hipsters. Still haven't wrapped my head around the growing hipster craze except I assume it's what emo's grow up to become. Got dragged off to do couch shopping following, quickly home to walk the pooch and then off again to watch the Western Derby with friends. Perfect way to finish an awesome weekend. Suck it Dockers fans.

Okay let's call that narcissistic pile of words a day and move on with the rest of the update. I was very much in the mood to conjure something ginormous today but time is well and truly against me plus the internet connection shenanigans have been disruptive so you guys will just have to settle for the usual level of excellence. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

It's Game Time - Horrific Insect - Kids React - Capri Anderson - Flat Chinaman - Incest WTF - Booty Shakin'

Angelic Voice - Magnatron - Bikini Bod - Smart Chop - Cats in Tanks - Domino Pyramid - Naked Racist

Gorgeous Boobs - Downasty - Threesomes - Milk Her - Badly Timed - A Bit Funny - Oh Baby - Pippa Middleton

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant. The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?" The first guy says, "How the hell should I know? Do you think that I have eyes in the back of my head?"
--
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist went to a night Club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
--
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
--
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
--
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
--
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied "just having a shit".
--
The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge." "Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?" "The passengers on his bus".

ORSM VIDEO

DARWIN'S FINEST

-When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

-The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

-A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

-After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

-An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

-A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

-Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

-As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from".

-The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

-When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

ZEINA HEART
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A woman caught shoplifting in a supermarket on Miami Beach was arrested and hauled off by the police to appear in night court, where she had been joined by her long-suffering husband. They had been in this very courtroom, before the same judge, earlier in the week, squabbling over marital spousal support in their on-going divorce trial.

The prosecutor had the store's TV security tape, which proved the theft by the woman had taken place so the judge said, considering her previous record for similar offenses, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. I am going to guess that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?" The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail." The husband jumped to his feet addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?" "Well," said the judge, this is a bit unusual but I'll make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting up to the judge's podium and leaning forward, he said in a low voice "She also stole a can of peas, your honor."

ORSM VIDEO


POLITICAL AXIOMS

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow Man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G. Gordon Liddy

-Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short Phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
-Pericles (430 BC)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

TIT FUCK
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A filthy tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie in Western Australia's southwest. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me down!

MINING MISHAPS
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just auto-magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved! Now check this week's mail bag...

Mat wrote:
Subject: A comment on one of yours
Hi mate, I sent you some pics the other day one of em was the one attached again. I think she is some famous bitch. Any way you have a pic of the naked gin this week. the comment says First Aboriginal porn. There was one before that, It was called Debbie does nothing. First scene walks up to another Black fella sitting across from the todd tavern in Alice Springs at 9 in the morning waiting for it to open. She says "hey brudda wana hand job?" "get pucked, i dont want no puckin job."

Horatio wrote:
Subject: Viscous Attacks!
ORSM, Reading your truly fascinating update 12th May, came across your reference to Viscous Attacks (Third paragraph down). I would really like to know more. What do they use? Honey, Tar, Axle Grease, GoJo/Swarfega, .......? Gosh, it sounds really interesting! Love the site mate. Keep em coming.

Blaming that one entirely on MS Word and it auto spellcheck...-Orsm

Steve wrote:
Subject: Parking problems
Hi orsm. You mentioned a parking problem ? Try carrying a couple of traffic cones in the boot and stick one each side of the car when parking. Assumption of authority !

Jason wrote:
Subject: Test of Medicinal Cannabis Tincture
First I started to laugh, then tears in my eyes, lastly I fell outta my frickin chair!! First comment is classic..... Much Luv, Props, all that.....Long live ORSM. Only a hundred views, the world is missing out.

Mr Helby wrote:
Subject: Now that's a snake
A king Brown in Branxton NSW Australia. The second most deadly snake in the world after the Inland taipan both are found in Australia, Forget your cobras and your rattle snakes these snakes mean business. A snaked like this if pissed will chase an aggressor and strike at it repeatedly at up to 40kmh. Maybe they should show images like this to potential illegal boat people.
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B wrote:
Subject: picture
Love your site! Long time viewer, this is the first time I wish to contribute If you've seen this already, my apologies. Your site is "orsm" thanks a lot for all your hard work. I certainly appreciate it. Please keep my contact info private.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nipslip
Some for your nipslip...hide my details please

Honestly - what's better than a nip slip? NOTHING is what. -Orsm

3bsaus wrote:
Subject: all buses accepted except the big ones
gday orsm, heres a pic at a bus stop in melbourne. maybe their spell checker was off crook that day.
click to enlarge

CJ wrote:
Subject: MORE COMIC RELIEF
Here it is -- attached OBL front page NY POST. The NY Post has some good headlines but this is a killer!!

click to enlarge

P G wrote:
Subject: The Secrets Out
The Secrets Out...Little Arnold.

All makes sense now. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jean wrote:
Subject: Proof
Here is Proof. . .
click to enlarge

xitz wrote:
Subject: Wedding Photo
This Wedding Photo is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples in Enfield, England. just hope, for their sake, that each husband goes home with the right table cloth!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for the postbag
Hi Orsm long time reader first time contributor, usual shit withold my info blah blah blah. MSN really should get a grip on there graphics department, the spanish earthquake pic that goes with the headline doesnt look at all real !!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Proof that blacks prefer asses over tits.
First time sender from Dallas, Tx. Caught a couple screen caps at the perfect moments one night while trolling on webcams. I made this de-motivational poster out of the caps. Withhold the details. Your site helped me through ages 13-16, when for some reason you were the only porn site I could get to with my handy dandy proxy server. My parents and I thank you for decreasing my testosterone levels.
click to enlarge

Chris wrote:
Subject: gumtree
gotta love gumtree

Beats working for it. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Sami wrote:
Subject: Perth 18th May 2011
Views From City Square This Morning

Apparently a combination of back burning and fog. -Orsm

click for gallery

justin wrote:
Subject: Interested in a week's long fishing trip from New Zealand?
I've been asking prices on air fares to New Zealand in July for a week long deep sea fishing trip in the Southern Ocean on one of their boats.... I have to get 30 starters for the week on the boat to qualify for a good deal. I spoke with a fishing charter business operator yesterday about spending a week on the high seas, he said the best fishing is in July. He said since the earthquake everything is half price. All fishing gear supplied free. Make sure you bring your swimmers and snorkelling equipment as there will be times when you will get sick of fishing. The vessel sleeps 30 comfortably, it has a full time cook, separate lounge & dining room, 24 hour bar service, byo grog if you like, has TV, Foxtel etc etc

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wifie
Got sum shit here for you to show the people no details please cheers

Silly thing got in the shower with her clothes on. -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Gaddafi's son's house in France
And I thought they don't drink - but this house has two bars!....... but not bad for a holiday shak...... now we know why the rest of the nation has nothing.... Saif al-Islam, Gaddafi's son's house in France – confiscated by French Government
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
i know how u like real bitches orsm and it doesnt get much more real than this old hag.

Does she come with free Aids? Kind of looks like thats what you'd get. -Orsm

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Mike wrote:
Subject: lady police
These are the lady police officers of...

Singapore please. -Orsm

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Aaron wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend Pics
Hey Here Are A Few Pics Of One Of My Ex Girlfriends.!!!!

I'm not a vagina man. Sure they're great and serve several critical functions but for the most part not all that exciting to look at. I'm right, right? -Orsm

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Rick wrote:
Subject: New Engine Design
This is no wimp engine. It's a two cylinder with four pistons delivering 300+ Horse Power. It's extremely small and very efficient and is presently in use in test applications.

click for gallery
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Transportation
heres some good examples of transportation brings back a few mems for me with some of the wrecks i used to drive around in ..i recall driving an old morris 1100 that had a cracked subframe so i used Felix Jellymeat cans flattened as metal plates and used rivets in bogg to hold it together however I was yahooing along the Porirua motorway with a few mates one day and hit a small pothole on the road and SNAP the floor boards were scrapping the road as i drove along LOL it was am oil burner too and ran outa engine oil and we had no spare but i had a bottle of detergent so we used that and man did it pong lol it eventually siezed and threw a rod through the side of the block ...so we took the plates and all other ID off it left it on the side of the porirua motorway road was pissed as a chook too ..we all were lol
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Tibet - Journey across the roof of the world
I think we should be organising a trip to China and rail tour. What do you think? Great engineering, but Check out the Chinese propaganda in regard to Tibet................
click to open powerpoint file

Brett wrote:
Subject: Billy The boobytrap Bear
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you may want to use this on your site. Youtube link [here].

Are these on sale yet...? Would like to get one for some of the neighbour kids. -Orsm

click to watch video

ORSM VIDEO

A man in a London supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager "Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Manchester, sir" the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Manchester?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Manchester." "You're kidding?" replied the boy "Who did she play for!?"

MADISON SCOTT
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Every time a new Pope is elected, there are a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shrivelled parchment envelope.

The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history". The Pope said "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret". The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock... it was the bill for the Last Supper.

RANDOM SHITE

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A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was.

The young man told the farmer that he didn't drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes. "Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!" "Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any".

"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some". "No, thanks - really" said the young man. The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared "I said take a drink!" "Okay! Okay!" said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realised just how powerful the stuff was.

His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound. "What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good ain't it?" "Yeah," gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, "I guess so." Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!"

DANI WOODWARD
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THE NIGHTMARE

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same colour. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled! I said to myself "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled".

"It's the pure and holy truth" whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He says "Since mum and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... any job". Mum...? Dad...? Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realise I only have one hand!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker... pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighbourhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me "Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heart throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?" Say it isn't so!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend but PLEASE oh dear God PLEASE don't tell me I'm a Democrat...

ORSM VIDEO


Well that takes care of that. And now for this...

- Check out the site archives. They're shallow and pedantic.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless the unthinkable happens... in which case it does, the update will still be next Thursday. I'm a man of my word.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will invite you around to dinner with him and his girlfriend. It will be the most awkward dinner you've ever had because how the hell are you supposed to include someone who doesn't exsit in the conversation anyway?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and in case you were wondering - yes we were talking about you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.05.12-19.41
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't read books because I already know everything.

Not to sound pessimistic but I've been expecting a shitty week to come my way for a while now although the last few months have been more or less stellar so I'm alright with it. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour... or so they say.

Apologies to anyone that tried to get an Orsm-fix yesterday. They happen rarely but amongst the more stressful things in life are server moves which of course never, ever, ever go completely according to plan and resulted in half a day downtime. If 11 years running this site have taught me anything it's that server moves are fraught with catastrophe. Things are back to normal now thankfully... for the time being anyway. Should finally now be able to roll out some of the new features we've been working on too. No assurances as to site stability during this process so be warned...

Due to space limitations, had to cut the 14 million topics I wanted to cover today slightly. Top of the list though are ever-increasing and unwarranted violent attacks by morons on anyone from taxi drivers to people just enjoying a night on the town. Has been getting huge coverage and alcohol is being pointed to as the cause which I don't think is quite right. Would bet just about anything that drugs, particularly ice, has more to do with it - smash down some ice and you have the legs to drink long into the night which leads to agro and hospitalisation or death for some poor shmuck. I'm pretty sure that if you delved further, cashed up bogan's [CUB's] with plenty of disposable income due to [Western] Australia's mining boom and fact the GFC never hit us too hard factors as well. Really struggle to wrap my head around this. Don't have a violent bone in my body so the idea of heading out and belting a complete stranger for no particular reason has never crossed my mind yet sure enough the first news stories you almost always hear on Monday mornings are reporting vicious assault over the weekend. Long story short - people are fucked and society is doomed.

Moving on. Broke the 12km barrier Friday morning with an extended walk around the surrounding whatever. Very rewarding blah blah but if anything is now clear, it's that my goal of two consecutive 20km days is still a long way off.

Highlight of my week came later that morning. Was doing some shopping, wandering store to store when I had a question and approached a sales girl for help. Of the four or so minutes I was there, one minute was spent actually dealing with what I wanted to know, the other three talking about herself. Whether she was just that conceited or trying to impress me remains to be seen however it all fell apart with the mispronunciation of 'pronounce'... as in "In my last job I used to have to pronounciate a lot of really hard words". Err what? Congratulations on your entry in to the people-trying-to-sound-smart-but-instead-end-up-coming-across-as-retarded competition. Geniuses - we walk among them.

Saturday was kind of awesome. Cranked out 10km in the morning before getting home to a dim sum invite with some long lost mates so quick shower and dash into the city to join them. Same thing happened on the way home too - phone call from another mate I hadn't seen for ages so met somewhere central to catch up on times old and new. Bumping into old crew has been a recurring theme lately. If it keeps up I'll run out of people I like and those best forgotten will start appearing.

Out of all the stupid shit we celebrate, Mother's Day is my least favourite. Father's Day closely follows. I get Christmas and Easter and birthdays but -call me ungrateful- having to pony up for yet another fucking present and lose several hours doing something I don't particularly want to do sucks balls. For starters, there is never agreement on the who, when and where so frustration begins well in advance. Everything afterwards comes with a certain amount of 'told ya so' and Mother's Day Sunday did not fail to disappoint. On the menu was another midmorning dim sum excursion with what appeared to be just about every other person in the entire city. It was loud, crowded and came with the anticipated level of frustration so enough about that...

I'd parked in the lot next door. Chose the farthest possible spot in the middle of 25-30 empty bays to avoid fucktards denting my car with their doors. Not fool proof but do what you can so imagine my surprise upon return to find that one such fucktard had parked so close that I could barely squeeze in the door. IE. Me, him and a dozen empty bays either side. Ridiculous as it sounds, it's some sort of 'cool by association' thing which I ultimately cause by reverse parking. Apparently the fact my car is shiny and somewhat unique is an invitation to park next to it thereby making their uncool car look cooler. Happens frequently. There can be no other explanation.

Spent the next few hours [sans mother] at a café chatting, gossiping and scheming against people. Very agreeable, chilled-out way to enjoy a Sunday. Home from there to work for a few before taking a cruise up the coast and stopping to enjoy the beach. Quite incredible and at the same time not at all surprising how many people were out and about enjoying a stunning afternoon. People surfing, walking, jogging, driving, whatever everywhere you looked. All up not anything close to resembling a bad weekend.

Alright that will do with the blogging. Took fucking forever to get out of my brain today. Something to do with complete and utter mental exhaustion so I hope it makes sense. Even if it doesn't, the update below is fairly awesome. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Doodle God - Monster Insect - Dick Dick Dick - Katy Perry Boobs - Police Brutality - Visual Effects - College Fuckers

Sexual CPR - Tits For Fashion - Kung Fooled - Major WTF!? - Drugs = Bad - Awwww - Nipple Rings - Insanely Wrong

Kadoosh!! - iPad Hate - Jap Porn - Big Milkers - Please God No! - Backflip Fail - Porn Debut - Shots Fired

An aboriginal guy was trying to pick the lock on my car boot the other day. I told him "You behave yourself cunt, you're in there for a reason!"
--
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says "Mate that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." He replies "Well, we were married for nearly 20 years."
--
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
--
Man calls emergency and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
--
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

ORSM VIDEO

JEWISH COMEDY AT IT'S FINEST

-I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
-What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
-Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
-We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
-My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
-She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
-The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
-The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
-Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
-Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
-A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started".
-Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
-The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
-My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
-She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
-The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
-The doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mgrs. Cohen, your cheque came back?" Mrs Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
-The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
-There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
-Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
-A man called his mother in Florida: "Mother, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call".
-A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
-Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody".
-Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
-Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
-Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

PRIYA
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A lawyer and two friends -a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man- had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

ORSM VIDEO



It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words... but what's the dollar for?" he asked.

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."

NIP SLIP
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At a senior citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together.

The next day the gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady "Up or down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady "Up or down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown".

BARBIE ADDISON
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or anything that can be sent down the internets... it's all welcome! And if I've seen it before, I know where the delete key is. Feel free to add me to your mailing list - whatever. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts or feels good. It's what cool people do. It's what Jesus would do. Check it...

Tomas wrote:
Subject: Missed your request for "literally"
During the floods in Queensland, every second slack-jaw who was interviewed on television told viewers they had been "unindated" by the waters. I thought I would get tired of it, but I didn't. My personal favourite is "irregardless". I think it is a hybrid of irrespective and regardless. It crops up regularly.

Des wrote:
Subject: Great Work!!!
Hey Mr. ORSM..thanks for another great year Hope you and yours have an excellent Xmas. Cheers

Better late than never... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: random facebook pic's
Good day old chap, love ya site first time contributer, hope you like it hold the details. cheers for making my life better with every update. Cya

Nothing quite like a bit of FB accidental nudity. -Orsm

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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mike wrote:
Subject: Florida news / THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE.
Shaving her snatch while driving, what in the world are we coming to.

Sure there were a few injuries, wrecked cars, some dangerous driving, idiotic behavious but hopefully when she goes to court the judge takes into account her good intentions whilst sentencing. -Orsm

Djeem wrote:
Subject: Some Shite for your Site
Snapped this bargain DISCOUNT(?) at K&D Mitre 10 in Derwent Park, Tazmayneeah!

Buy one for the price of one and a half... interesting sales tactic. -Orsm

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Dave wrote:
Subject: WTF??!!
Hey Orsm. Long time reader, first time contributor. My wife took this out the front of her work- i'm told she parks it there when she does her shopping!!!! Thought you could put this on random shit- WTF!! Keep up the awesome work!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: weird Facebook pic
Was just looking through some pictures that were linked through a friend and saw this crazy face that I thought needed to be shared. Man? Woman? not sure they are definitely exciteed about something... taken at the Kings Beach Tavern. Withhold my details - cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: goatsee cleaners????
Sign in nearby village for holiday cottage cleaners...... deffo Goatsee! anonymous please!!!

It's anybody's guess how your clothes will come back... -Orsm

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John wrote:
Subject: My Nephew
Hey ORSM dude been a long time reader and a few time poster.. found this on my nephew's facebook, and I'm of the opinion if he's willing to let his friend know I'm willing to share with the world... So here he is in all his glory....post away!!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Picture evidence - Bin Laden's sea funeral.
A Sign, a sign, he has left us a sign........ Conclusive Evidence Bin Laden was buried at Sea.....
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P G wrote:
Subject: UNARMED
bin laden was unarmed
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Muslim action in Venice !!!! Not PC
This is a cracker !!!!!! Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets. So far 543 have already drowned
click to enlarge

Adrian wrote:
Subject: W427 before & after pics.. head-on near Mackay
Here is a one-off Walkinshaw 427.. Only one ever made in Lambo green. Full story here and here. Waste of a nice car!!

Not sure which is more upsetting... the death of a passenger or destruction of the car. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Versatile Hat
It was a hat to attract comment! It stood out among the many thousands of amazing hats. but i particularly like the last one...

We'd all still hit it. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff
Hey ORSM, time for another bit of stuff for you! No names, no pack-drill as always please... Keep up the fine work!
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Ships ahoy
You are probably sick of it , but here is more ships. I'm off to China now for 3 weeks, so hopefully I'll have some decent pics as I have just bought a new Nikon D3100. Need a Uni degree to operate it, but we will be right. Take Care
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey Orsm. found these pics on a russian site. Please withhold details. Thanks for the great site!!!

If my penis was that big I'd probably want to show it off too. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Putze Fly in Malawi
What happens when the bloody houseboy does not do the ironing right to kill the eggs from the Putze Fly. And I hear from cheaky women that childbirth is painful..... nothing on this man (for Cuzz and Slug!!!).

Another reason to stay the fuck out of Africa. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thieves
This is what happens when you try and steal copper. Tip for anyone else interested in getting involved in this lucrative industry.. make sure the copper isnt bloody plugged in!!!!!!

Sage advice. -Orsm

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Greg wrote:
Subject: Those wacky Mexicans
FOUR GRAVESTONES IN MEXICO. These are actual grave stones.. English translation provided on the right side for your enjoyment
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robert wrote:
Subject: tits or nipples
Hi orsm. 1st time contributor, and I just needed to ask, let me explain, I have always been a tit man, but now have a new girlfriend with amazing nipples, now I have had girlfriends with great tits but I have seen the light and have converted to nipples as being a lot more important, what do you think, tits or nipples?

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Brett wrote:
Subject: Billy the Boobytrap bear
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you might enjoy the latest video. Thanks, love your work. YouTube link here.

click to watch video

ORSM VIDEO

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke making a huge mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my aunty. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from my aunt when she's been drinking!"

BAD PARENTING
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out, however, that it's closed. So the guy ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine.

While there he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he knows it's 3am.  "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "Where the hell have you been!?" He said, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demanded. He showed his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar! You were out bowling again weren't you!"

RANDOM SHITE

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Relatives gathered in the hospital waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

JAMIE HUXLEY
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One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing nearby and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well that'll about do us. I'm tired and hungry so let's just cut to this last bit...

- Check out the site archives. No seriously - check them out.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Thursday-Thursday-Thursday... gettin' down on Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will annoy the living fuck out of you no matter how busy you are or how many time you tell him to stop. Repeatedly saying "Look. Seriously. I'm busy. Please fuck off" will only encourage him to annoy you more. There really is no way out.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.05.05-19.55
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Seventy-eight.

Dark by 6pm already? Really? That's pretty much the only sign of what time of year we're at because it's nothing but blue skies and warm days at the moment.  There does seem to be a general longing for rain by some which is understandable considering how long it's been since we've seen a drop but fuck it... this is still shorts and t-shirt weather so complain I shall not.

Talk about your maniac weeks. So fucking busy, so many phone calls, so many questions and conversations that my head feels like it may actually implode. Everyone needs [reads: wants] something which got me wondering when was the last time someone knocked on my door and said "You do a lot for me so today is all about you". Of course that's just so ridiculous I won't waste any more time thinking about it. Oddly though, four or five of the calls/emails/whatever have been along the lines of "Hey remember that money I borrowed off you like five years ago - how much was it?" My reply "Why? Am I getting it back sometime soon?". Not talking about huge sums and ultimately the answers were in the negative but nice to know there's a chance of recouping some cash I'd long ago written off.

Would be just about impossible to get through this blog without a mention of the biggest news story in the world - the death of Osama bin Laden. Like most I was happy to hear about the scalp but not because he was a mass murderer, terrorist, evil or sported an unattractive beard... the best thing to come out of this was the abrupt and much welcomed end of Will & Kate stories. And now the conspiracy theories can start too - Osama is not dead; he has been dead for years but the announcement was delayed to lock a second term for Obama; his body wasn't buried at sea and is instead being stored for scientific study; he actually requested to be killed to avoid having to hear any more royal wedding news.

There's something wrong with people who don't like spicy food.

Moving on to other events of the week. Friday began early with a 2 hour, 10.7km walk spanning several suburbs. Pretty happy with that because not that long ago I wouldn't have come close to managing that distance. Rest of the day was errands and work before heading off to watch and critique the wedding with friends. The verdict: [and I'm sure we all agree] would have been nothing without Pippa Middleton's ass.

Saturday began much the same way as Friday with another 10kms followed by a several hour mission to restore car cleanliness after the down south trip. Just got busier from there... quick shower then off to drop my brother at a wedding, back up my way to check out a home open then into the city for a quiet catch up at a pub which morphed into a five hour long session encompassing three different groups of friends. Back home quickly for another shower and change of clothes and again back to the city and for a night of clubbing. Odd experience lining up to get in though - a guy standing behind me started making racist comments towards the bouncers for no apparent reason. Usually the sicker and more politically incorrect a joke is the funnier I find it but don't think I've ever felt quite so uncomfortable as listening to this moron embarrass humanity. Justice was served moments later however when he was refused entry for dress code. That event aside, if it's possible for something to be very awesome then Saturday was it.

Destroyed from the day previous, Sunday was a slow start spent lounging around the homestead ahead of a cruise taking in the busy places around town - Scarborough, Cottesloe, Fremantle, Kings Park, the city and Subiaco. If you ever make it to Perth they should all be on your list. Dropped in to see some friends on the way back before a BBQ dinner thing with other friends to acknowledge [or is it celebrate?] their engagement. Good weekend was good.

And that will do with the blogging portion so without further ado... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

It's Game Time - Teen Daleks - Party Poker - FB Trolling - Kat Dennings - Platonic Attack - Ass 2 Mouth

Obama Is Dead - Osama Is Dead - Comedy-bama - Lohan Braless - Crazy Landslide - Miley Fail - Kiss This

Big Titties - Real Dummies - Freaky Insect - Rihanna Tits - Extreme Ironing - Wank Prank - Kapow! - Fire Wallet

My mates missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff".
--
At the reception following the marriage ceremony, Kate asked the Queen for the secret to a long and happy married life. The Queen replied "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off".
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Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling novel. You know that Harry is going to be in it.
--
Elton John is to record a tribute song following the death of the Osama bin Laden. 'Sandals in the Bin' will be released early next week.
--
R.I.P Osama Bin Laden world hide and seek champion 2001 to 2011
--
President Bush tried and failed. President Clinton tried and failed. President Obama tried and succeeded. The moral of this is... if you want someone dead, hire a black guy.
--
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself!" paddy replies. "It should be round your neck" says the guard. "I tried that" says paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

ORSM VIDEO

TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY...

-At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
-Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
-Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
-Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to full strength.
-In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for marijuana".
-Skip, don't than walk.
-Order diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
-Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
-Sing along at the opera.
-Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
-Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.
-Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, sport."
-Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
-Highlight your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
-Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
-Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
-Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
-Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.
-Determine how many cups of coffee are 'too many'.
-Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
-For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
-Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none just lean back, pat your stomach and say "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
-Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
-Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
-Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. -Insist to others that you like it that way.
-As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
-Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
-Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
-When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
-Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
-When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
-When leaving the zoo start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
-Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".
-Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
-Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'in'.
-Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
-Don't use punctuation. Ever.
-As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
-Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
-Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
-Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
-Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

JESSICA VALENTINO IS MAGNIFICENT... JUST SAYIN'...
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A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will" the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the young cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

ORSM VIDEO



Catholic Priest, an Indian doctor, a Chinese businessman, and an Aussie, were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!" The Chinese businessman called out "Move it, time is money!"  The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"  George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, "That's so sad. God forgive us. I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian doctor said, "Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them". The Chinese businessman replied, "I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls".

The Aussie said, "Why can't the bastards play at night?"

TAKE MY LOAD BABY
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

ANOTHER DAY AT THE BEACH...
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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or anything that can be sent down the internets... it's all welcome! And if I've seen it before, I know where the delete key is. Feel free to add me to your mailing list - whatever. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts or feels good. It's what cool people do. It's what Jesus would do. Check it...

Piers wrote:
Subject: literally is only the half of it
All goes well (augers well) - used regularly on the Footy Show (AFL). I could care less (couldn't care less) - most North Americans. Intensive purposes - intents and purposes - most North Americans. Waivered - waived - Aussies. learnings - not a real word. costings - not a real word. That's all I've got for now...

I asked you guys last week to drop me a line with missuses of words by people trying to sound smart following my blog about 'literally'. The response was literally insane. -Orsm

Jim wrote:
Subject: literally is only the half of it
"Then" and "than".... Americans always seem to mix these words and the nasty habit is creeping into Canada. I find myself explaining that "I would rather buy him lunch than give him a blow job" reads a LOT different from "I would rather buy him lunch then give him a blow job". And we shouldn't forget the ever popular "walla " when they actually mean "voila".
Gordon wrote:
Subject: eggcorn
Drives me crazy when TV commentators and politicians say it "beggars belief,"when the saying is begs belief. A beggar is a person who begs.
Joe wrote:
Subject: literally
Orsm site, love your work. It shits me when they call Management "The Powers to be", instead of "The Powers THAT be."
Norm wrote:
Subject: literally
G'day Mate, You may have received emails about this one, but here goes. You noticed when people are interviewed on TV they say Yeah. No or Yes..No!! WTF is up with that!! Is it yes or is it no? Gives me the shit's anyway. That's my bit and thanks for your great work.

Roger wrote:
Subject: Awesome car...
With those wheels that machine would appear to be an Oldsmobile Toronado - a car I coveted for many years - a true muscle car...

Jackie wrote:
Subject: James
You have GOT to check this out. I was just browsing on Tumblr, when I ran across this awesome website that made me laugh so hard! The Tumblr's name is Naked pics of a jerk named James and it states this : He cheated on her. Three times. They broke up. He sent nudes of her all over town and her college. He spread awful untrue rumors about her. She had to move away. Now nudes that have been obtained in various ways of him are being spread so he may feel what it's like to be humiliated and she can get a little justice. Here is the link, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did! :)

Ah memories. Kind of glad to see this still going on. James, as most of you won't remember, was the wankstain who created the whole Mastercard/Priceless mess for Orsm way back when. -Orsm

POB wrote:
Subject: Perth
Hey ORSM, I have recently moved to Perth from Sydney and I didn't realise you needed to be a British citizen to live here, My god, how many poms are here? Ok it doesn't bother me too much but damn. ..... bring on the republic. Any way apart from that, Perth is a great place to live... and thanks for the website! Making Fridays good since 33 AD. Cheers.

It's true that there are many of Pom's here but as long as they stay in the far northern suburbs we're all good. -Orsm

marc wrote:
Subject: hahahaha
hahahaha abo on the midland line yesterday!!!!!!

This may be a first... Aboriginal porn. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: eager
Orsm looks like the new mr and mrs windsor were eager to make a start on their honey moon. hold details mate

Obviously they decided to wait until being married but that's ridiculous. -Orsm

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Richard wrote:
Subject: kate middleton see through
The future princess of the UK

Too skinny. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: The Queen Of England
I was a little shocked by the pictures when it penetrated my brain how long she's been around. She gives new meaning to the phrase "Long Live the Queen". How old does this one make you feel?

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P G wrote:
Subject: THE GUY THAT SHOT BIN LADEN
I heard that this is a big cover-up. An Alabama State Trooper found his body in the tornado ravaged town of Hideaway Hills, AL (real town). He was discovered under the rubble of Laden's Crab Shack and Guns. The feds picked up the body and flew it Pakistan so the CIA wouldn't be embarrased that 20,000 spys are looking for him abroad, and he was living in Alabama.
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Brad wrote:
Subject: IMG
I know it is quick but the advert was just too good
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: tampon string?!
This was on my daily Facebook newsfeed. Hide Info.

Or very, very small penis... or very, very long clitoris. -Orsm

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Ted wrote:
Subject: cover
Top cover for coffee at Carl's Jr.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A pic of my cheating whore ex
As I said here is A pic of my cheating whore ex from a while back. Hide my details. By the way love the site!

Am willing to overlook the boob floppiness because I fucking love the hat/ponytail look. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Name Withhold, Please =)
Well, here we go with the "I'm better than you because I'm religious" (aka My Shit Don't Stink) propaganda. Online shopping for a Canon camera battery grip and I ran across this crap. "Christian Home' they say. OK. How is that going to make the product better? Just because they believe in some spirit hype and give their money to some child molesting creeper, their product is better than yours...and it costs more, even though it's broken and you can't use batteries. I'm just suprised that it didn't say 'Pray that it works.' lol! (It didn't. I checked the additional comment'). Venting over. I'm off my soapbox...
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Clone yourself and win!!
Either Brendan Steele has a clone or the tv text guy fucked up! Probably the latter but made me chuckle.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: something different
Hey orsm, Big fan of your work. Lacking an arsehole ex to send you pics of, thought I'd show a little of my kind arse with my consent =P Cheers for keeping me entertained. Please withhold my details
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Joss wrote:
Subject: boat slips off on dampier road
Driving home from work on ANZAC and seen this poor fella just before 7 mile bridge on Dampier road.

This is what happens when you scream 'tsunami!' for a joke... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution
Houston Texas slut attached. Pictures of my EX wife. Maybe you can use them for your site. Hide my info please.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Fantastic electron microscope photos.
Thought you might find this interesting!!! Try and guess what it is, before reading about it! Unreal!!! Read Below! Amazing Scanning Electron Microscope Photos... Awesome!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my Wife
Hi there. Here are a few pics of the wife. Hope you find them good enough to post. Might be able to send more later if feedback is good. Please keep all our details hidden
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terry wrote:
Subject: Woodies
Got Wood? Absolutely gorgeous - from a time we cannot replace...
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Nigel wrote:
Subject: Sights of Adelaide
G'day Orsm, please withhold my details. Here's some of things I've seen in my travels around Adelaide. For those who can't work them out, the rego's are "I hate my ex" and "Late for a date". Some other rego's I've seen were "ON COMPO", "WAS HIS" and "H8 2 W8", Cheers.
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ORSM VIDEO

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London!?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with mum... same "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother £1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed £1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indeed there is, me darlin," replies her mum. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

AMY REID
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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch..."

RANDOM SHITE
Putting the RS in oRSm since some significant point a really long time ago. Check it...

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Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

CASSIE YOUNG
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre and a hypnotist had been invited to perform his show.

Claude, the hypnotist, explained "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

ORSM VIDEO


Okay let's call it a day.

- Check out the site archives. They're so big that if Osama had of hidden there he would still be alive.
- Next update will be next Thursday. So... C U Next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray
will catch the herp and fuck your girlfriend just to get you back.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and, just in case, always take the time for that extra wipe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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