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May 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.05.28-20.28
Boobies

Welcome to it stinks like sex in here.

Three separate illnesses have infiltrated our household in the past couple of weeks. Cunty they are too - lots of coughing and fever and other symptoms which 'the infected' have found particularly annoying. Thankfully though I've managed to stay healthy owing to 1) quarantining myself from them 2) ramping up the vegetable intake and exercising 3) being the only one who got the flu jab. Yes yes, I'm amazing and all that but really it's only going to last so long. Next month the munchkin will begin daycare and, as is soooo often pointed out to us, I should expect new bugs to be brought home routinely. Can say with great certainty that I do not look forward to this level of snot and sleepless nights and cough medicines and eucalyptus rubs multiplied by however long it takes to develop an immunity...

Moving on. The weekend was massive. GF's birthday was last week and because the past couple of years were insanity, she missed out on much acknowledgement from me beyond a "Happy Birthday!" so this year I thought it would be cool to arrange a surprise dinner with her friends. And that was Friday. Sure enough, as mentioned above, she got smashed by a flu bug which took hold on that day and felt like death. It was midday when she asked about rescheduling. Firstly, it was fucking challenging getting people organised even with a few weeks' notice so having to re-cajole everyone for a different date was not desirable. Secondly, how pissed would a small restaurant be having a 12 person table cancel on them just hours before service? A flurry of emails and FB messages ensued until it was decided we would go ahead meaning I had to gently poke, prod and socially engineer the sick girl out of bed, into the shower and drive 30 minutes to a big shout of "SURPRISE!" Ended up being a great night too - food and wine flowed and everyone had fun. What else could you ask for?

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After some food related guilt from the night before I decided to punish myself with early exercise. Managed to squeeze in a brisk 7 kilometres before landing at the chiropractor for an 8 o'clock appointment. Next was breakfast with friends and eventually home to do chores. At some point I found myself in front of the computer hammering away this update and that soaked up the rest of my day.

We had a school reunion late last year and after running into a long lost mate months later, we both agreed that the night was awesome but all over too quickly. So we decided to organise another one; a chopped down version that wasn't so much organised as it was just a bunch of people rolling up to a pub. There was lots of responses from people saying they would come along and it looked to be a promising night. And it was... except out of a 200+ person year group only 7 of us turned up. The advantage was you got to talk to everyone and the conversation was riveting - everything from who was the hottest girl [or guy], the hottest teacher and so on. The hottest teacher one was by far most surprising because ALL the guys admitted to having a crush on Miss Phillips... who I don't remember being anything special but apparently was the target of hundreds or thousands of teenage boys fantasies and subsequent masturbations. The night wound to a close around the point the bar inexplicably cut our table off. As in no more drinks for us. The barmaid pointed to one of our group saying he was too drunk. We playfully argued the point until the bouncer suggested we leave... which we did... at which point drunk guy power-spewed literally moments after exiting... and then again right next to a taxi... who was still happy to take us. Found out later he woke up on the train... well over an hour past his stop. How the fruck he got from the taxi to a train is unknown. Good times.

After a late and drunken night a sleep in was definitely in order.... which was a shame because a breakfast with the lads had been arranged overnight. So drag myself out of bed ready for collection by 7.30... which was a shame because my ride it turned out was still in bed. Stranded and far too much alcohol in my system to get behind the wheel, we reorganised, got someone else to pick me up and headed off for some motherfucking eggs. Things didn't let up from there - as soon as I got home it was a family thing for the GF's birthday. Dim sum this time which I'd have been happy to pass on... which was a shame because dumplings.

The rest of the day was spent sitting on the couch fighting a hangover and researching accommodation for our U.S. trip. Instead of staying in hotels we're using Airbnb because it will suit us better and it works out way cheaper but making sure we don't choose shitty or unsuitable areas is a time consuming exercise. For example... in NYC one thing we want to see is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade so prefer an apartment relatively close to it. Cross reference our Airbnb shortlist with the parade route plus proximity to transport and landmarks and shopping and then run them past a friend who lives there. Then do that for 5 cities. It's very possible I'm totally overthinking/overcomplicating this but the last thing you want to do is fly 20,000 kilometres around the world and find yourself stuck in a shit hole.

Okay that was a pretty comprehensive information download. If you stuck with me through all that then don't worry - things are about to get a whole lot better. Today's update is above and beyond anything you would consider insanely fucking amazing. Check it...

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DumbshitDumbshit Picked The Wrong Car To Rob... He Figured This Out Probably Around The Time He Got Shot. - OMG NOMThis Burger Is Delicious... And Dangerous. - Drugs RuleA Hilarious Compilation Of Wisdom Teeth Removal Aftermaths & Bad Trip Fails - DevliciousTeens Are Trying To Summon A Mexican Demon. Sounds Stupid Right? I Think You'll Be Disturbingly Surprised... - Nerd SlutSweet And Geeky Bookworm Halle Von Gets Gets Fucked Like A Dirty Little Slut - All Holes18yo Goddess Gets All Her Holes Torn Up And Its Just Beautiful To Watch - Anti-RapeThese "Anti-Rape" Security Pants For Women Give The Impression You Have A Bulge - LOL Fag!Hypocritical Loser - Anti-Gay Pastor Resigns After He Was Caught Soliciting Guys On Grindr - Happy JoySmiling Is One Of The First Things We Learn But The Thing We Do Least Often - Very BestTry As You May, You Could Never Get A Girl This Hot... Which Is Why We Have Internet Porn. Now We Can Enjoy A Woman Of This Calibre Being Slammed Harder Than A Car Door! - Hand Bras

Stick FuckIn This Game It Is Ur Goal To Run Various Tests On The Stickmen... See How They Respond To The Actions Imposed On Them And To Determine The Best Methods Of Torturing The Stickmen. - Very CleverI've Never Seen A Game Quite Like This Before. Almost Want To Say That The Makers Were Thinking Outside The Box But That Just Isn't That Case... - Nips AkimboMichelle Rodriguez Braless In See Through Dress On The Red Carpet - StunningIf You Had The Good Fortune Of Spending The Night With Busty Sha Rizel, This Is What You’d Be Waking Up To! OMG! - Nude SelfiesDaddy's Little Princess Took A Bunch Of Naked Selfies... Probably Should Have Deleted Them To Stop Someone Stealing And Posting Them Online. - Fuck Yeah!Remember Jodie Sweetin? She Was The Middle Child On Full House. Yeah She Grew Up HOT! - Is It Real?Tiny Teen Girl Takes A Fucking From A Monster White Cock - Low LivesMother Brings Her Fat Son To The Electronics Store To Pound The Cashier - Show Tits! A Shit Load Of Girls Go Topless In A Public Park. I'm Sure There's A Good Reason But Its Not Important Because Tits. - Ass DestroyAnally Destroying A Mentally Disturbed Teenager

Farm SmashSometimes Simple Is Good, Sometimes Simple Is Bad. In This Case, Simple Is Actually Really Good And Quite Diverting. - Absurd PornWho Asked For The Compilation Of Some Fucked Up Sexual Related Acts? Here It Is! - So Got ItJessica Alba's Curves Are Looking Better Than Ever - Classroom BJChick Sucking Off Her Boyfriend In A Classroom Makes Me Realise I Didn't Get The Most Out Of School - Woohoo!Last Day Of School May Be Happy For The Kids But Not The Janitor's. - DefloweredLittle Smiling Hottie Lured Into The Forrest To Get Fucked For The First Time. Good Girl Gives Up All Her Holes! - RegrettableDrunk Chick Pisses Herself Poolside And Then Passes Out - Double SlipLady Victoria Hervey Pantie Upskirt And Nip Slip On The Red Carpet - How Good!?Here’s A Set Of Girl Next Door Amanda Love And Her Big Naturals! She Shows That She Likes To Wear Sexy Lingerie Under An Otherwise Regular Outfit... That's Until Those Big Amazing Tits Come Out!

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
--
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is" the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed". "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here".
--
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.   His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job.  There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.  And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"
--
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies "A minute". Smith asks "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies "A penny". Smith asks "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies "In a minute".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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BAD DOCTOR STORIES

I once had a GP scream at me when I questioned the accuracy of his scales. According to this arrogant shithead the reading was correct "BECAUSE THEY'RE DIGITAL!" Yeah mate... not like anything digital ever fucked up before eh? Witnessing such infallible logic I could hardly trust any medical advice coming out of his mouth so ever since, no matter how sick I've been, I chose to wait a day or two until any other doctor at the clinic was available rather than put my care in his hands. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way for everyone which is why we have a whole bunch of bad doctor stories to entertain scare you with...

-I had a 9-year-old girl bought in one night with her parents complaining of fever and respiratory distress, presenting with coughing and wheezing. The kid was really out of it and the parents were very upset. I thought it was bronchitis, but I admitted her and ordered treatment for her fever and cough as well as throat cultures. I was with another patient when the kid started hallucinating, sobbing and spewing everywhere. I figured it had to do with the fever, so I packed her with ice, but she died maybe a half hour after that. I couldn't tell the stiff neck since the kid was out of it. She also couldn't tell me anything else that would point to simple or complex seizures. She'd died of meningococcus. Completely wrong diagnosis. To make matters worse, we called in all her schoolmates and anyone else we could wake up just in time to see three other kids go. The rest got antibiotics quickly enough. Probably my worst day in medicine.

-One Christmas, I had such a bad sore throat that I felt I had to go to the clinic. The doctor who attended me, a general practitioner, checked my throat and then prescribed some meds. I noticed that he was looking at me very strangely, as if he were examining my face. I thought maybe he was checking for other signs of illness but it certainly didn't seem that way. Finally, he said "You know, you have a very beautiful face".  I didn't know how to react, so I just muttered my thanks. And then he said "But it would be even more beautiful if you got a nose job".  He reached across the table and handed me his business card. Apparently, he had a sideline job as a plastic surgeon.

-I'm a nurse, but I was working in the ER when a guy came in for a scratch on his neck and "feeling drowsy". We start the usual workups and this dude's blood pressure TANKED. We scrambled, but he was dead within 10 minutes of walking through the door. Turns out the "scratch" was an exit wound of a .22 calibre round. The guy didn't even know he'd been shot. When the coroner's report came back, we found that he'd been shot in the leg and the bullet tracked through his torso shredding everything in between. There was really nothing we could've done, but that was a serious "what the fuck just happened" moment.

-Pathologist here. Biggest mistake I ever made was cutting myself during an autopsy on an HIV patient. Lucky for me, I did not acquire the virus, so everything had a happy ending. For me, anyway. That guy was still dead.

-When the specialist finally got around to see me, he asked me what the problem was. I began explaining it in as much detail as I thought would prove useful to his diagnostic investigation. Before I was three sentences in, he sternly interrupted me with "Your story is useless. I'm the doctor here, not you" and he then brusquely informed me that he had two tests to perform and they would go smoother if "I would keep my chatter to a minimum". I wasn't sure if I was more stunned or annoyed. Anyway, I took his two tests. Then he finished by telling me the tests were negative, and "what we have here is a problem that's in your head, and a waste of my valuable time". Now I was just angry; I told I'd go find a real doctor. A friend of mine recommended I go see his chiropractor; a neck adjustment to relieve a pinched nerve in my neck, and the dizziness problem was gone. And has never returned the past 25 years.

-I know of a pharmacist who filled a fentanyl patch (pain relief) incorrectly and the dose was so high that the patient went into severe respiratory depression and died. He's still practicing.

-Emergency physician diagnosed me with an STD after one of my testicles started swelling and I was peeing blood. The guy didn't even give me a specific STD test, but it was very distressing and hurt the relationship I was in at the time as I incorrectly accused my girlfriend of cheating. Went to see my physician, turns out it was a simple urinary infection and I just needed antibacterial...

-I went to an acupuncturist to seek treatment for my hyperthyroidism. He asked me to lie down and describe my symptoms. I told him that when everybody else in my office would be freezing from the air conditioning, I would still feel unusually hot. He said "You're hot in a different way" which appalled me. The next time I went to the clinic, his female colleague was there to treat me. I told her about my experience with her shady colleague and she just laughed.

-Procedural wise, I have seen a physician kill a patient by puncturing their heart while placing a pleural chest tube. It was basically a freak thing as apparently the patient had recently had cardiothoracic surgery and the heart adhered within the cavity at an odd position. I'll never forget the look on his face when he came to the realisation of what had happened. You rarely see people accidentally kill someone in such a direct way.

-A doctor tried to put an Ilizarov fixator on me, for limb lengthening, without proper knowledge or experience. He damaged the growth cartilage, dislodged my fibula and destroyed my ankle. I had to get 20+ surgeries to fix his error. The initial procedure was something that another experienced doctor would've done in two minor surgeries over the course of 6 months. I was 2 years old when he botched the surgery, 18 when I finally finished the reconstructions.

-With nothing showing up on any tests, the primary doctor that was treating me thought I just needed to poop so was sending me home. I flipped out and told him I was not going home and that he needed to figure out what the hell was wrong with me because I definitely did NOT need to poop. 10 minutes later I had about 12 people working on me, yelling things to each other, yelling things to me, and prepping me for surgery. The room started to go dark again...  I remember laying outside the operating room waiting for the surgeon to show up. He called back wanting to know if my surgery could wait until the morning, since he was eating dinner. By the time he got into my abdomen (about nine hours after I'd had a seizure in the ER waiting area), I had lost over A LITRE of blood. I had a corpus luteum cyst that had ruptured. I basically had massive internal bleeding with no traumatic injury. With the amount of blood I'd lost, I could have gone into cardiac arrest at any moment. If surgery had been delayed even 30 minutes, I would have been dead. So, yeah, I didn't need to poop.

-My parents are nurses. They knew a doc who'd been on a 36 hour shift. Patient came in with a punctured lung and the doc had to collapse the lung to fix whatever was wrong with it. Through tiredness he collapsed the wrong lung, and the patient died. Doc ended up killing himself after being fired.

VAGINA SLIPS... BECAUSE GIRLS CAN'T KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS

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The Parish Priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen". "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course! You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch" she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner". "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish". "Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch".

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said "You cunts are my kind of people!"

ORSM VIDEO: THE VEHICULAR CARNAGE EDITION


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An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD".

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS".

"Eventually I got bored doing dentistry so started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD".

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD".

"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".

EVERY GUY WANTS TO FUCK A GIRL WITH DADDY ISSUES

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ORSM VIDEO

BAD DOCTOR STORIES (CONTINUED)

-My brother is a surgeon and during part of his residency he had to work in the paediatric unit. He was working with two newborns. One was getting much better and fighting for life. He was going to make it just fine. The other baby was hours from death. He wasn't going to make it. My brother was in charge of informing the families. My brother realised about 15 minutes later that he had mixed up the families. He told the family with the healthy baby that their baby wasn't going to make it, and he told the family with the dying baby that their baby was going to be just fine. He then had to go back out to the families and explain the situation to them. How devastating.

-I had a health insurance plan as one of the benefits of my job and as these plans go, they require that before you subject yourself to tests, you first get approval by the so-called doctor rep of the insurance company, who also at that time happened to be the director of the hospital I went to. I am overweight, and this doctor took one look at me and said he would deny my application as I already have a pre-existing condition, which is diabetes. I did not have diabetes. In the presence of other people (who I guess had the same purpose I had that day), he told me point blank that I was fat and refused to sign the paper that would make the insurance company pay for these tests. I was so humiliated and angry. I paid for the tests myself, and guess what? No sign of diabetes!

-I'm a surgical resident and my focus is on paediatrics. I have done a fair amount of surgeries so far and death is not an uncommon thing for me. But the worst was a case with a then 8-year-old kid. I was operating on his ulnar and accidentally caused damage on the nearby nerve. He lost about 20% of his sensory stimulus. He wanted to be a violinist.

-They put me back in another exam room where I waited for almost half an hour and was about to get up and leave again, when the doctor comes in (this is doctor #4) and says "So, you're having a miscarriage!" He must have known from the look on my face that he was being insensitive, so he said "Sorry to be so blunt, it's just getting late and we all want to go home".  "EXCUSE ME??" They were the ones that called ME in for the emergency appointment! I didn't even want to BE THERE!! At one point during the examination he said "If you girls didn't bleed, I wouldn't have a job!"

-Not a big mistake but definitely awkward at the time. I was gluing up a lac on a 14yo girls forehead. Anyone who has used derma bond before knows that stuff can be runny and bonds very quickly. I glued my glove to her face. Her mum was in the room, and I had to turn to her and say "I'm sorry, I've just glued my glove to her face.

-Using scare tactics, my OB/GYN manipulated me into having a C-section. The nurses wanted to transfer me to the operating table, but I was in a middle of an intense contraction so I told them to wait until after it subsided. My OB, who apparently wanted to get it over and done with, told me "Hurry up, there are a lot of other women waiting for their turn you know!"

-I had a bad car accident but showed no outward signs of injury. My only problem was severe abdominal pain and I couldn't stand without passing out. The doctor on duty kept me in the ER for 8 hours continually saying I should go home and there was nothing wrong with me. I was almost 19, very scared and in severe pain. After I begged he finally put me in an observation room at 3am. At 6am another doctor came on who ran some tests and had me in emergency surgery very quickly. I had laid in the hospital for almost 12 hours bleeding internally because my bowels had been torn badly. They were so bad the doctor told my parents he may have to do a colostomy. I had lost a lot of blood and in the end, 16 inches of intestines - 13 of the large and 3 of the small. Thankfully no colostomy and thankfully I didn't listen to that doctor.

-My father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.

-When I was in college, I came down with what I thought was a really bad cough that wouldn't go away. I finally went to see the school doctor, and she prescribed a round of antibiotics which cost quite a bit on a student budget. Then when I went back because I wasn't getting better. She prescribed stronger antibiotics, which cost even more than the last ones. I still didn't get better and on my next visit, she told me "Well, I think you might have TB".  Aghast, I asked "Can't you die from that?" to which she answered yes, but that there were medicines for it now. Already broke, I called my parents to send money. They suggested seeking a second opinion. The new doctor gave me a thorough exam. When I went back to get results the first thing this doctor told me was I didn't have TB, and it looked like I wasn't sick at all - I had actually developed asthma. She prescribed steroids and inhalers which had me feeling better in two days later and back to 100 percent after about a week.  

-I saw a patient once years ago for abdominal pain. She had had an IUD placed back in the 70's; a dalkon shield. Upon follow up, the GYN couldn't find the string so he told her she must have passed it. Well guess what - she passed in alright. We found it up in the space near her right kidney 17 years later!! She wanted to sue him but he had retired.

-When delivery time came the doctor was late. I had to wait 30 minutes with baby in the birth canal screaming to get out before he finally showed up and did his job. She had a terrible cut and major bruising on her head from all of the pressure which caused a moderate case of jaundice, but she was otherwise okay so I stuck with him. During the one year exam, I was riding high in the stirrups with him at 'down there' when his phone rang. It was wife calling and his ring tone for her was "Sexual Healing"!! Things continued to go downhill with baby number 2. After suffering with some of the same pregnancy difficulties that I'd had with Baby 1, including blood pressure issues, Baby 2 was ready. Apparently the doctor was not. He missed the delivery! I had been in the hospital, in labour for over 24 hours and he didn't show. The nurse caught Baby 2 just as her butt hit the bed, unwrapped the cord from her neck, called the ICU to have her checked, cleaned her up, weighed and measured her before he decided to make an appearance about 20 minutes after the delivery, upon which he berated the nurse for not waiting for him, saying that she should have just been patient. The final straw came after I began having some medical issues, post-partum, and he told me that I was just screwed up and nothing he or anyone else did would make it better so I just needed to get used to not being normal.

-Dentist here. I was performing a simple extraction and preparing for the case when I didn't realise that I had the x-ray flipped the wrong way the whole time. I was viewing the film backwards, and pulled out the wrong tooth. When I realised my mistake I started freaking out, only to find out that by some dumb luck, the tooth I extracted had to go as well. For the record, this happened in dental school, so safe to say it was a learning experience. It was my first and very last time to make that mistake. And yes, we are doctors.

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ORSM VIDEO

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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have it for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first".

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female". For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well". Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female".

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "For my first wish I wish the bear was gay..."

THESE ARE THE HAND BRAS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR...

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It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meagre surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Mickey. "Well" said the other inmate "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number".

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it" asked Mickey "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?" "Well" said the gruff inmate "He'd never heard that one before!"

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? The place is still smouldering..."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night ".

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, grabbed her crotch and she said 'Cut that out!' Ever seen one of these real close?"

BIG BITCHES ARE AWESOME IN BIG WAYS

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Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation".

Jack replied "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world".

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's okay, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck".

ORSM VIDEO


My work here is done.

-Check out the site archives. What else are you doing for the next 7 days that's more important?
-Next update will be next Thursday mmm k.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray upsatge you no matter what you do or what you say... he's done it before or he's going to do it better.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and give back my chocolate. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.05.21-19.00
Boobies

Welcome to dad jokes with a two drink minimum.

I must have written 4-5 lengthy paragraphs over the past few months about these asstards who leave Australia to fight in Syria. You haven't seen anything because I delete them after realising it'd be hypocritical to comment but they've pushed me too far. It's just about every week we hear about a kid from where ever having told his family he was going on a goat fucking holiday but they've since learned he's fighting with his brethren in Syria. Okay... and? Basically my whole point was why do the media give them any coverage at all? Surely they don't expect we're watching the news thinking "How sad that this poor boy was brainwashed". No. We're thinking "Good. Fuck off, idiot".

Now it's come full circle. Apparently there's up to 250 who've gone over only to realise the war aint what it's cracked up to be... and want to return to Australia! Unfortunately though there's laws which would see them jailed for ten years upon doing so. Their passports have long since been cancelled as has any welfare or entitlements. They are stateless and fucked no matter what they do. This has to be one of the best "suck shit" moments a society can have but incredibly they have lawyers advocating their return arguing they represent an intelligence value; as in what they could tell us about recruitment, threats to Australia etc. It was around then I began to truly respect lawyers. Someone comes to you with a problem and to fix it, to earn your pay, you'll have to publicly make a fuckwit of yourself trying to convince people that these guys are safe to let back in; that they aren't really coming home with sinister intentions. Oh how the heart bleeds. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE MISSED THIS MONTH ON ORSM-

Moving on from the redneck/bogan rant, let's run through my week and associated goings-on. Beginning with Saturday... which kicked off wetter than a cougar at a 1D concert. Actually most of the weekend was that way restricting activities to mostly indoor. Anyway, it was a stupid early start to collect building supplies for the next home project [coming soon]. The rest of the day was sat in front of the computer. After I don't know how many times over the years being caught out by failed hard drives and unrecoverable data loss, these days I'm a data Nazi. There's the working copy of all my important files which backs up every night to an external device which in turn backs up once a week to another external device running RAID5. All three devices are separated from each other meaning it will take the house being totally destroyed by fire or major act of god to lose my shit. Next I'll look at internet cloud storage so not only will the NSA have complete and unencumbered access, but I should be covered against every possible calamity. Dear universe, this is not a challenge.

Had a grand plan for that night. GF was out with friends leaving me on baby duty. I simply had to feed and put baby to bed before moving on to a ridiculously spicy dinner and [sci-fi] film of my choosing. Of course it didn't happen that way. For starters the baby was sick so everything took... a bit... longer. By the time dinner was ready, Skype started making noises. Best mate from overseas so scoff food and jump on. An hour into the convo the GF arrives home... and that was about it. Thwarted.

In many ways Sunday mirrored Saturday. Rain. Cold. Did finally escape around midday to visit family then go for a quick drive through the city before calling it a day. And that was about it... probably no point elaborating when there is a fucking sweet, brand new update ready for you guys to ingest. It will hopefully keep you amused and occupied long into the night, long after the missus has gone to bed and you need to rub one out. Check it...

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Un-Fucking-believableCops Open Fire After Foolish Driver Refuses To Listen - Hey WT??You Move, The Painting Moves. It's Witchcraft I Tell You! Witchcraft!! - No No NO!Thousands Of Spiders Rain Down In Australia In Bizarre Natural Phenomenon Known As ‘Angel Hair’ - So GROSSThe Queen Termite Is Possibly The Grossest Thing You Could Ever Eat—Or See, Or Anything - All Or NothingWith Cable It’s All Or Nothing - Double HighMarijuana Coffee Pods Will Make Sure You Start Your Day In The Most Unproductive Way Possible - Bad IdeaConcertgoer Finds Out The Hard Way It's A Bad Idea To Punch A Security Guard - Best Yet!!The Simpsons Vs Rick and Morty + 63 Signs That You'd Only Expect To Find In Springfield - This RulesSay Goodbye To The Rest Of Your Day With This One!

Cube EscapeThat Party Last Night Was Wild... Really Wild. You Must Of Passed Out After The Ninth Or Tenth Drink... You Can't Remember. But Now The Consequence Of Unhealthy Drinking Has Materialised. - Ballsy MovesCovert Perverts Pulling Off Risky Guerrilla Sexual Tactics In Broad Day Light On Clueless Civilians. These Are The Sort Of Legendary Faps You Hear About In The News... - She's RidicSome Victoria's Secret Model Called Elsa Hosk Who Is Nothing Short Of Stunning - Pussy SlipPhoebe Price Pussy Flash At The Reality Awards Show - Epic RackA Topless Leanne Crow Is Playing With Her Puppies In Bed. I Love Puppies And I Really Wanna Play With Leanne’s Big Juicy Ones. - J-Porn WinThose Giant Melons Were Made For Titty Fucking. And He Gladly Obliges. - Face FuckedNot Sure Just How 'In To It' She Is But There's No Getting Off This Face Fuck Ride Now. - BreakdownReporter Has A Nervous Breakdown On The Red Carpet Because Of A Chucky Look Alike - WARTS?Its Clear The Guy Has A Serious Issue With All Those Warts On His Dick But She Just Sticks It In Her Holes Without Any Protection. How Stupid Can You Be!? - StupidassWell This Guy Is Clearly A Moron. He's Trying To Steal An ATM Because He Sure Isn't Smart Enough To Do A Job That Requires Any Logical Thinking.

London RexIn This Munching Game, It Is Your Job To Control The T-Rex And Eat Every Motherfucker That Gets In Your Way. - No Smoking!Apparently This Is How Isis Punishes Its Members For Smoking. Bit Harsh Perhaps... - Punch FuckExtreme Fist Fucked Amateur Has Her Cunt Stretched Wide. Really, Really Wide. - WhoreThat Ass Is Bullet Proof. She's Either One Pain Loving Pig, Or Her Ass Is Lined With Kevlar. - OopsieSophie Marceau Nip Slip At Cannes - So SweetTerrific Diary Pics Of The Lovely, Wonderful, Astounding Tessa Fowler Flashing Her Huge Shiny Boobs!! Right Now, She Is The Queen Of Boob Models. Period. - Drunk SlutsDrunk Sluts Are The Best. Especially When You Get To See Their Clothes Coming Off. If She Can Ride The Bull That Well, I Wonder How She Can Ride The Cock. - Queen's TitsQueen Latifah Gets Her Tits Out. Not Sure If I Wanted To See Them Or Not... - UnfortunateOut Of Control Firework Display Leaves Fucks Two People Up - Going Solo52mins Of A Ultra Cute Girl Masturbating The Fuck Out Of Herself Is What You Came Here For

A farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
--
A young Asian girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Asian bride crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, she accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "So sorry.... excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud".
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Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
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It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks "How long will it be?" The mechanic says "Just a few minutes". So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD, USUALLY IT'S BAD

-One time I went to FYE. When I walked in there was a 16- year-old kid behind the counter wearing a hat that said 'Fuck You.' I asked him if they had any of the older 'Hootie and Blowfish' CDs still in stock. He asked me if I was "Some sort of fag or something".

-I had a problem with a new piece of electronic equipment and called for assistance. The first technician I talked with insisted that there was nothing wrong with his company's equipment, that it must be my fault. When I explained that everything in the network had worked perfectly until I powered the new item up, he laughed at me. When I asked to talk to his supervisor, he responded with the infamous two letter expletive and hung up. I called back and spoke with a different tech who was able to resolve the problem in a matter of minutes and who then asked his supervisor to join us on the line. When I told the supervisor of my earlier experience, she asked me to give her one day so she could resolve the problem. She called back in less than fifteen minutes to tell me that she and the call centre manager had reviewed the tape of the call, fired the original technician, and promoted the second one to a customer service training position. It went from being the worst customer service experience ever to one of the best in less than half an hour.

-My son had requested a book for Christmas. The young lady looked in the computer inventory to see if they had the requested book. It showed there were some in stock, still packed. She went to look through the packed books and could find none. The next shipment was arriving in the next few days, however, arrival time uncertain. This young lady then called the competition, Borders, and requested they check their inventory. She gave me the contact name at Borders and told me to just go up to the counter and my book would be waiting".

-I was trying to get some information from Comcast, about my bill. I couldn't understand the different groupings of channels which had no explanation just names like Extended Package. She couldn't explain it and kept getting the same channels in different groupings. I said, very politely "I don't understand your explanation, is there someone else who can explain it to me so I will understand it". She replied: "You're stupid". Then she hung up.

-I paid about $20 extra to have a package delivered to arrive by Christmas. It went out on Dec. 22nd and arrived on the 27th. I spoke with three different customer service representatives who said I couldn't get any money back because there was unexpected bad weather. One actually told me they weren't responsible for 'acts of God.' Maybe they should say "Pay $20 and we'll be sure to get it there unless the weather's bad".

-In our local grocery store, I asked about the cinnamon buns that were in the sample dome. The employee I asked said that they were very fattening and I could do with losing some weight!

-I set my stuff on the counter to pay. The cashier had to go check a price. She returned with a manager, who was obviously having a bad day, and I was told that I could not buy five of the things. I wanted to know why not. She said "I can't sell you these". She said that "until corporate faxed the prices none of them could be sold". I asked why were they out, and she responded "Our shipment came in yesterday". I said "I know they will be gone the next time I come in" and she said "I don't know what to tell you. I cannot sell them to you".

-I explained to a computer company rep that I had 12 new laptops that would not power on no matter what I did. His answer to me was "What do you want me to do about it?" I said excuse me? He clarified by saying "if they don't power on I can't trouble shoot them and if they aren't powering on, it has to be something you did to them that made them not work".

-I bought a monitor which turned out to be DOA. I called the Dell customer support number and got a guy with a very heavy Indian accent who directed me to the monitor manual on CD, provided with the computer. I asked him if he understood the irony of putting the monitor troubleshooting guide on a CD since if the monitor didn't work you'd have no way of reading the guide. After 40 minutes of being on hold and talking to a supervisor, they said they'd have to send a new one... the very suggestion I'd made at the beginning of the call.

-"You will have to go online to and fix this". I replied "Seriously? I am talking to customer service - a real live human being and you can't do a thing for me? "Yes ma'am, you need to go online to do this". So I asked her "What exactly do you do?" Silence.

-My brother and sister-in-law's house burned to the ground, and they lost literally everything. I went shopping at Nordstrom to get them some essentials. The Nordstrom salesperson was so helpful, taking me from department to department. Then she went in the back for a few moments and returned telling me that Nordstrom was going to wrap and ship ALL $500 plus worth for FREE ... That's what I call SERVICE!"

-I'm still fuming from my experience with an online site for booking airfares. Woke up sick as a dog, needing to catch a flight at 7:00. I've probably booked one hundred flights through this company's site and I have always paid the $20.00 insurance if changes ever come up, including unexpected illness. I have never actually used this insurance but was happy to have it until I was told: "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". And, then again from online booking site "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". Lesson learned. Don't buy insurance from an online booking site.

-I was at Atlanta International. I placed my carry-on on the belt. A female agent came over and slammed the bag on its side. Fine, except when I was waiting on the other side for it, the scanner suddenly yells "Whose bag is this?" I raised my hand, and he picked it up and slammed it back on the other side of the scanner in the same position I'd originally put it. I wouldn't even mind if they would actually catch a 'live one' once in a while, but no. Undercover agents carry everything from box cutters to acid through without getting so much as a dirty look

-My father passed away. I called his credit card company to cancel his account. I said "My name is Debra. My father Pat passed away and I am the Executor of the Estate. I am calling to cancel his account". The rep replied "Well, I need to talk to Pat". I said "Listen very carefully. He's DEAD - now if you want to talk to him, you'll have to figure out how to. GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!" The Supervisor got on the phone and I said "Do you have a connection with God?" She cracked up laughing - she had heard about the conversation.

WANT TO BANG THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" responded the friend. "He can't swim".

ORSM VIDEO


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Desperate to use a payphone, a visitor to town searched high and low, and when he eventually found one, it was already occupied. Hoping that the man inside the kiosk wouldn't be long, the visitor waited impatiently outside, constantly looking at his watch.

In an attempt to convey a sense of urgency, the visitor kept staring at the man on the phone but soon noticed that he wasn't actually saying anything.

As the minutes passed, the visitor kept looking, nodding and pointing to his watch, but the guy inside paid no attention and just stood there with the phone in his hand, saying nothing into the receiver.

After a quarter of an hour, the guy inside had still not said a word into the phone. Thinking that he was being deliberately obstructive and just wasting time, the visitor finally lost his cool. Opening the door of the box, he tried to snatch the phone from the other man's hand.

"Do you mind!" said the guy with the phone. "I'm talking to my wife!"

GIRLS PEEING... BECAUSE JUST WANNA SEE THE VAGINA...

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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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ORSM VIDEO


CUSTOMER SERVICE: SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD, USUALLY IT'S BAD (CONTINUED)

-I searched for a game and located the empty place where the game had been. An employee, walking past me, asked if he could help. I explained that I was looking for the game ... He volunteered to go in the back and look for me. I thanked him and waited... and waited... and waited. After 10 minutes, he had still not returned and I stopped another employee. He replied that the first employee had GONE HOME. He never returned to let me know, or told me his shift was almost over.

-I called computer printer company's customer service about my new printer that wouldn't interface with my computer even though the company swore it would easily work. After hours of being on hold and being told that I had obviously done something wrong or just couldn't understand, the rep told me "Yeah, really not my problem, lady".

-I recently drove into the auto wing of Sears and stood at the counter to check in. The lady behind the counter was dealing with another customer. Ten to fifteen minutes later she was still dealing with the customer and in all of this stated to another colleague that she was finished working in 20 minutes. She was walking in the back then to the front, typing on her little computer and NOT ONCE did she even look at me. I asked two other people working there if there was someone who could help me, and they just pointed to her. Needless to say I just got in my car and drove out.

-My favourite bad customer service response was "it is working as designed" after the support agent was able to duplicate an obvious bug/error in a popular word processing program.

-I chose a laptop because the salesman gave it high marks, and there was $150 in rebates, which brought the cost in line with an HP I was looking at. I did a presentation that afternoon, but the computer kept freezing up, and I was having to reboot during the presentation. I went back to Circuit City and asked to replace it with another computer. They wanted $200 to restock the item even though it had only been 3 days. They pointed out that that I only had 15 days to return it. I showed them the receipt only being 3 days old. They would not do anything about it.

-"You should buy one of those bust reducing bras". This was said by one of the stick thin pre-pubescent staff in the clothing store I was in.

-I was going to Peru and four days before I went to my local Sears to see if they would have the stowaway raincoat in stock. When I got to the store they said they don't stock them but I could order on the computer. When I told them that wouldn't work because I was leaving soon, the salesman called the order in for me and explained that I was leaving and they put a rush on it and I had it two days later.

-I had spent well over 3 hours on the phone with customer tech support, having been repeatedly put on hold, transferred, and disconnected. I called back after yet another disconnection after being on hold for several minutes. The person who answered started to go into their script, asking me for irrelevant information. I told the person that I just needed to be connected to XYZ because I had been disconnected after being on the phone with them for over three hours. The rep went to a very long speech about how he'd be happy to transfer me. I didn't need a speech. I just needed him to transfer me. I told him this. He repeated the speech. His "inhuman courteousness" just made me angry and hate the company.

-At the post-Christmas sales, a sign said 'standard Posturepedic pillows $3.99. I had four. When I got to the register she said the amount total and I said "Your sign says different". She went and looked and said "Oh no, you're right" called her manager and let me have them at the price. She said the stocker had put the wrong pillows in the bin.

-I was hosting a party for 150 people and needed catering prices 7 weeks prior to the party to review bids. I had a drop-dead due date and explained that. When I contacted the caterer for prices because I hadn't heard from them by the date, my main contact was on vacation and left no information. I was fuming. Obviously, they didn't get my business. When I finally reached the caterer to determine how they could have made such an error, he said "I decided you didn't need it by your due date". Appalling.

-I thought it would be nice to go to Subway to get everybody some food. I went in, made my order and left. I forgot to get my boss his food, so I went back in and told her I needed to order another sub. She replied "Well did you have to go out and then come back in? Did it just pop in your head that you had to get another sub? GEEZ".

-I lost my cable service for 3 days. Apparently, it was a system wide failure and thousands of customers were affected. During the course of my conversation, I said something like "Please just credit me for 3 days' worth of service". The rep said "We can't do that. Do you know how much it would cost us if we credited everyone for the past three days?"

-I was speaking with a customer service representative about a problem I was having. I said "I know it's not your fault". She said "That's right. It's not my fault!"

-Several years ago while traveling, I stopped at a McDonald's. I was the second person in line, and it still took them 15 minutes to get to me. Then I ordered my coffee. The cashier then took two other orders, and I was left standing there. Finally, after speaking up, I received my cup. I went to the coffee urn, and, guess what? It was empty. So I stood at the counter again for another five minutes or more before someone asked me my problem. When I told them the coffee urn was empty, they filled my cup from behind the counter. After a few sips, I realised it tasted like a mixture of coffee and TEA!

-There was a charge on my MasterCard from a vendor who renewed my $400 membership without asking me. I spoke with the vendor and he agreed to send a credit into the credit card company for the charge. Since the credit card bill was due in 15 days, I called the credit card company to ensure that I wouldn't have to pay $400 up front only to have it credited back later. The rep who answered the phone went into his long drawn out scripted answer. I asked to speak with a supervisor and after waiting on hold, the supervisor started another scripted answer. I said "I am a busy person and I just need a simple direct answer instead of the script". He replied: "I am sorry you called when you were busy. We are open 24 hours a day". I stopped using that card.

-I had a credit card and somehow after a year the bank changed my zip code and I didn't get the bill. When they called I explained I never got a bill. After we found the issue I asked for a refund of the late fee. Though I got it eventually I was initially told "You are responsible for your bill, we only send the statement as a convenience to you".

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ORSM VIDEO: THE FOODIE EDITION

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Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Oh Patrick" says the Monsignor "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness". The candidate leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Joseph, Joseph" sighs the Monsignor. "You, too, are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness".

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you" says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".

*Ting-a-ling*

HARD NIPPLES ARE REALLY JUST POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS

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George was planning on going out with 'the boys' when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house. George's wife said: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt". George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!" So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the okay the go out as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt. George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you $20 to get the shirt cleaned".

So, when drunk George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. George's wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned".

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills. George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?" George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants".

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother".

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!"

"And you think you have family problems!"

GUYS WAITING FOR WIVES TO SHOP. SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he could not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars". "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I will give you $1 million, I will keep $1 million, and we will send the engineer".

ORSM VIDEO


Well my work here is done. And with that I'll slip in to the night. Of course you may have some questions and before you ask, rememeber - there is such a things as dumb questions. To avoid them please read the following...

-Check out the site archives. Don't be gentle. Just force yourself in HARD.
-Next update will be next Thursday, Kylie Minogues birthday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fit defective airbags to your car.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and choose life. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.05.14-19.58
Boobies

Welcome to I'm not saying yes don't not stop.

Wish I had more to report. For a bunch of reasons both known and unknown everything is sort of ticking along fucking beautifully at the moment. And that's not to challenge our insect overlords or anyone else who outranks me in the grand scheme of the whatever-whatever to begin spiting me again either. Stress levels are lower. I'm up to date with my bills. Finding the time to exercise daily. Dropping kilo's. The bank saga/fiasco/debacle has been almost been resolved [in my favour]. Improved work/family/social life balance. I even finally managed to perfectly poach a motherfucking egg. So what does all this mean? Fucked if I know.

Moving on. Saturday began as some other days have - I woke up. We got our shit together and briskly strolled to the chiropractor, received some cracking and took the really long way home. To blame here is my new Fitbit. No idea how these things really benefit anyone other than to guilt you into walking at least 10,000 steps a day. And it works. There is guilt to be had when you realise an average day without exercise is less than half that many.

-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-

Later on was clothes shopping. Whodathunkit but having a less-than-1-year-old to take care of, your social life takes it up the b-hole. As a result your nice 'going out' clothes sort of get integrated into everyday wear. Eventually you have nothing decent to be seen in public in. So I tagalong with the missus who, shockingly, was already going shopping. Rookie mistake and the experience didn't fail to be stereotypical in any way. A guy walks into a store and says "Where can I find a shirt in my size?" Five minutes later he's done and heading home. Involve a girl in the process though: walk into any store, try on as many different items as she can possibly bring to him in the changing room before moving on to see what's available in other stores. Let's not forget giving the sales assistant some backstory too: "Hi. We need to find him a nice shirt to go out in. He's got a boy's night tonight you know. First one in a while. Needs to be a dark colour because sometimes he spills food on himself. Also he's a Virgo. Probably going to catch an Uber into the city because I have to stay home and look after the baby. Favourite food is mac n cheese. He's a West Coast fan. Oh and really good at doing the dishes too..."

As you may've guessed, that night was a boy's night. Not only the first this year but the first since mid-last year. Pathetic. I'm not even going to make a reference about how everyone used to go out every weekend. Anyway it was destination some American-style BBQ place. We found it last time and this was the "definitely coming back here" visit. Amazing everything too. Except perhaps for their hot sauce. Comes in a bottle literally marked "fucking hot sauce". Look I'm not saying I'm a chilli god... but I'm a chilli god... so anyone claiming something is "fucking hot" better bring it. Next time I'll bring my own.

We had an issue with a lost parking ticket afterward - if you lose it there's a $50 fee because they don't know how long you've been there for. Bullshit because CCTV all around and could check. So we try getting a new ticket from the carpark entry machine but they're wise to that. Next [not my] idea was the carpark website. You simply buy a ticket for the shortest amount of time, pay it by credit card and hey presto you're $42 better off. That or just don't lose the ticket in the first place...

Early albeit slightly hungover start to Mother's Day. This officially makes May a disaster from now on because that, the GF's birthday and our anniversary are all within weeks of each other. Lucky I fucking hate finding presents for people right? To mark the occasion we went out for buffet breakfast at a new place which opened nearby. Basically motherfucking eggs for days and it was awesome.

Rest of the day should have been a whole bunch of mummy-centric activities until "Oh can you fix a puncture for me?" segued into so much stuff around the house. Stuff that needs to be done but would really makes no difference if it was or wasn't. Stuff where you need to get the ladder out for a 1 minute task and its never worth it so it just stays like that forever... or until someone needs a puncture fixed. Ended up being a grossly productive day. Conquered at least a dozen tasks leaving only about 50 dozen or so to do.

Okay fuckers. I just wrote 7 riveting paragraphs about mostly nothing. For my next trick I'll magically produce a god tier update that will bring joy to hundreds of thousands of people. Holy shit my ego is pinging like a bastard. Woooo. Check it...

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Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becket's Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and had 'Milliband for PM' on his T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum. The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
--
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "Its golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
--
I ran into a street vendor the other day and he said "Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir" he urged me. "I haven't got a wife" I replied. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart". "I don't have a sweetheart either" I said. He told me "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your good luck".
--
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talking about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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FAST FOOD FACTS WILL JUST MAKE YOU HUNGRY...

-Burger King's Triple Whopper with cheese has an amazing 1,230 calories. Hardies Monster Thickburger has 1,420 calories and 2,770 grams of sodium. Carl's Jr.'s Double Six hamburger has 1,520 calories and 111 grams of fat. Most people need only 44-66 grams of fat per day, and most of them should come from sources like nuts, fish, and olive oil.
-McDonald's hamburgers don't really rot. The burgers have very low moisture content, which basically leaves the meat dehydrated. It's more like jerky than burger.
-Every month, approximately nine out of 10 American children visit a McDonald's restaurant.
-In a study it was found the average fast food consumer ingests around 12 pubic hairs a year.
-McDonald's Filet-O-Fish was originally developed for Catholic customers, since they generally abstain from eating meat on Fridays.
-In 1970, Americans spent about $6 billion on fast food. In 2006, the spending rose to nearly $142 billion. Nowadays its estimated Americans spend $1200 a year on fast food.
-Certain fast food chain fries are riddled with preservatives to prevent any sort of bacterial or mould growth. In this case it lasts for over three years.
-Burger King is called Hungry Jack's in Australia.
-During the early 1900's, the hamburger was thought of as  food for the poor. Street carts, not restaurants, typically served them.
-Cheese products labelled as processed are actually loaded with additives, chemicals and flavouring that make up 49 percent of the product. Half the product isn't even cheese.
-Wendy's founder Dave Thomas went back to school to earn his GED at the age of 61. He didn't want people to see his success and feel inspired to drop out of high school.
-Proportionally, hash browns have more fat and calories than a cheeseburger or Big Mac.
-The salads are actually loaded with propylene glycol to keep the leaves crisp. This ingredient can also be found in antifreeze and sexual lubricant.
-An Alabama law firm once sued Taco Bell, claiming that their meat mixture "does not meet the minimum requirements set by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to be labelled as beef.
-To keep salaries low, McDonald's and other fast food chains have intentionally engaged in anti-union activities.
-Fast food chicken is primarily fat mixed in with blood vessels and nerves. In fact 55 percent of the chicken is fat; the rest is skin and corn with chemicals, preservatives, hydrogenated fats and petroleum. Oh, and it is washed in ammonia.
-Taco Bell has attempted to open stores in Mexico two different times. Their food was labelled as "American Food".
-There are more than 300,000 fast food restaurants in the U.S. alone.
-Silicon dioxide (aka sand) is used as an anti-caking agent in multiple fast-food items like buffalo wings and chili. The sand helps it to be able to stay in a heater for days.
-Singer Jason Mraz supplies avocados to the local Chipotle restaurant.
-Due to anti-German sentiment during WWI, an alternative name for a hamburger (which was derived from the Hamburg steak sandwiches eaten on immigrant ships between Hamburg, Germany, and America in the 1800's) was "Salisbury steak". It was named after Dr. Salisbury who prescribed ground beef for patients suffering from anemia, asthma, and other illnesses.
-If you eat something that is bright red at a fast food joint, chances are that it has Carmine; a bright red food dye. It's made of the crushed abdomen of a female Dactylopius coccus - an African beetle-like insect.
-There is a secret menu item at Chipotle called a "quesarito". It's a burrito that's wrapped in a cheese quesadilla instead of a tortilla.
-The popularisation of the automobile resulted in "flashier" fast food restaurant architecture to catch the attention of drivers. This lasted until the 1970's when communities began to complain about the exaggerated buildings.
-You know those grill marks on fast food burgers? They're actually put there during production in the factory.
-After he left KFC, Colonel Sanders grew to hate the company. He once described the food as "the worst fried chicken I've ever seen" and said the gravy was like "wallpaper paste".
-Television greatly expanded the ability of advertisers to reach children and try to develop brand loyalty early in life. Today the average American child sees more than 10,000 food advertisements each year on television.
-Most fast food milkshakes contain over 50 chemicals.
-Two companies prepare KFC's Original Recipe chicken. One company only has half of the secret recipe, and the other company has the second half. The complete recipe only exists in one place: locked inside a vault at KFC's headquarters.
-Fast food companies, the movie industry, and theme parks have a long and financially lucrative relationship. The companies seek to promote and "product place" one another for incredible profit.
-The average fast food taco salad has more grams of fat than 16 average Boston crème pies.
-Subway's Italian B.M.T., is named after the Brooklyn Manhattan Transit.
-In 1949, Richard and Maurice McDonald opened the first McDonald's restaurant in San Bernardino, California: the McDonald Brothers Burger Bar Drive-In.
-Pizza Hut made a delivery to the International Space Station in 2001. It cost around $1,000,000.
-The popularisation of the drive-thru led car manufacturers in the 1990's to install cup holders in the dashboards. As fast food drinks became larger, so did the cup holders.
-Traces of faecal matter have been found in fast food soda fountains. Next time you're enjoying a fountain Coke with a friend and think it'd be funny to shit in their drink when they go to grab some napkins, just know that someone already beat you to it.
-Before 2013, Pizza Hut was the number one purchaser of kale. They didn't even serve it though - they used it as a decoration in their salad bars.
-According to Waffle House, if you laid all of the bacon they serve in a year end-to-end, it would wrap all the way around the equator.
-McDonald's is one of the largest owners of real estate in the world and it earns the majority of its profits from collecting rent, not from selling food.
-White Castle burgers have five holes in them so that they can cook all the way through without being flipped.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION

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This is the best example for paying attention that you will ever hear.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them "In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid".

ORSM VIDEO


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Murphy died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first and, when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Mick said "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over".  The mortician rolled him over and Mick said "Nope, ain't Murphy".

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body. Paddy looked at the body and said "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said "No, it ain't Murphy".

The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Paddy said "Well, Murphy had two Arseholes". "What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes."

IF YOU CAME HERE FOR BLONDES THEN ITS YOUR LUCKY DAY...

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ORSM VIDEO: THE GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY EDITION

FAST FOOD FACTS WILL JUST MAKE YOU HUNGRY... (CONTINUED)

-While fast food is known to make those fat rolls grow, it can actually make your brain shrink. Studies have shown that diets high in trans-fats are linked to the same brain shrinkage associated with Alzheimer's disease.
-After receiving complaints that their "footlong" sub was only 11 inches long, Subway released a statement that said ""With regards to the size of the bread and calling it a footlong, 'Subway Footlong' is a registered trademark as a descriptive name for the sub sold in Subway Restaurants and not intended to be a measurement of length".
-McDonald's is Brazil's largest employer.
-Nearly 90 percent of America's children eat fast food on a monthly basis, and one-third of children visit these foods on a daily basis. Mix that fast food fact with the startling statistic that fast food children gain six more pounds each year than they should, multiply that by 15 years and do you really wonder why your fat kid is fat?
-Subway is the largest restaurant chain in the world. There are more Subways in the world than McDonald's.
-When McDonald's opened an outlet in Kuwait shortly after the end of the Gulf War, the line of cars waiting to eat there was seven miles long.
-The McRib doesn't have any rib bones in it because it's actually "restructured meat" made from pig innards, tripe, heart, and scalded stomach. Then it's doused in salt and all blended in a salt water solution which acts as glue to keep the meat mixture together. This bad boy contains 70 ingredients, one of which is azodicarbonamide, a flour-bleaching agent used in the production of foamed plastics like yoga mats.
-To accommodate workers at the World Trade Center construction site, Subway created a mobile restaurant that moved up the building as they finish each floor.
-Because McDonald's initially did not want its customers to stay and socialise, they installed uncomfortable chairs to deter customers from lingering.
-When you order a Quarter Pounder (or something similar at other fast food chains), what you're really getting is a quarter pound of additives including, lanolin -made from raw wool- and castoreum, which is an extract made from the anal secretions of beaver.
-A genetically engineered hormone called rBGH is given to cows in the U.S. to increase milk production - even though its chemical by-products may be carcinogenic. Residues of rBGH have been found in meat products, such as hamburgers sold in fast food chains.
-A single McDonald's hamburger can contain beef from up to 100 different cattle.
-Pizza Hut sued Papa John's once because they thought that "fresher ingredients" didn't really make "better pizza".
-Caffeine is the most commonly used drug in the world, and high doses can have serious health effects, including muscle weakness, heart irregularities, and infertility. Children and teenagers consume more than 64 gallons of soft drinks per year.
-McDonalds chicken McNuggets come in four basic shapes; the bell, bone, boot and ball.
-Pizza Hut uses 300 million pounds of cheese each year. That's about 3% of all the cheese produced in the United States.
-The spread of E.coli and mad cow disease are just a few of the dozen examples of food-born pathogens linked to beef. Some meatpackers have considered radiating meat to kill the bacteria in tainted meat. Some scholars also claim hamburger meat may cause Alzheimer's disease.
-Arby's got its name from the acronym "R.B." which stands for "Raffel brothers" who are the founders of the restaurant.
-Eating fast food can result in high levels of insulin, which has been linked to rising incidences of Diabetes.
-The large fries at Five Guy's are the unhealthiest fries in America. They have nearly 1,500 calories and 71 grams of fat.
-A person would need to walk nine miles to burn off the 923 calories found in Burger King's Double Whopper with cheese. French fries and a large cola brings the total calories to an amazing 1,500 calories (2/3 of an adult man's recommended daily caloric intake).
-The first 100 people who go to a new Chick-Fil-A when it opens get a free meal every week for a year.
-About two new Starbucks have opened every day since 1987.
-When it was revealed in 1990 that McDonald's used beef tallow to flavour its French fries, Hindu vegetarian customers in Mumbai (formerly Bombay), India, ransacked a McDonald's restaurant and smeared cow dung on a statue of Ronald MacDonald.
-You're never more than 115 miles away from a McDonald's in the continental USA.
-The original Dunkin' Donut had a handle to make dunking easier.
-French fries are the single most popular fast food in America. In 1970, French fries surpassed regular potato sales in the United States. In 2004, Americans ate 7.5 billion pounds of frozen French fries.
-Domino's Pizza cancelled their "30 minutes or less" guarantee because drivers kept getting into accidents while rushing to deliver pizzas. The guarantee led to at least one fatality.
-In-N-Out Burger is one of the few fast food restaurants that actually slice each potato by hand shortly before it is placed in the deep fryer.
-Dairy Queen Restaurants in Texas have a different menu from all other DQ restaurants. You can only get a Steakfinger Basket at a Texas Dairy Queen.
-When France refused to join the American-led coalition against Iraq, some Republicans argued that the name French fries be changed to "liberty fries".
-A 32 ounce McDonald's sweet tea has more sugar in it than two Snickers bars. A Snickers bar has 27 grams of sugar and a McDonald's Sweet Tea has 69.
-IHOP adds pancake batter to their omelettes. They claim it makes them "fluffier".
Ben and Jerry's ice cream has chunks because Ben has anosmia, which means he can't smell, so he relies on "mouth-feel" while eating.

-The invention of the meat grinder in the mid nineteenth century gave rise to the hamburger. Currently, between 40,000 and 50,000 meatpackers, many of whom pack meat for fast food chains, are injured every year, making meatpacking one of the most dangerous jobs in the United States.
-Because of the restaurant's reputation to stay open after disasters, the "Waffle House Index" was created as an informal assessment of the damage caused by a storm.
-McDonald's is the largest purchaser of beef, pork, and potatoes and the second largest purchaser of chicken in the world. Its annual orders for French fries constitute 7.5% of America's entire potato crop.
-By the end of the twentieth century, one out of eight American workers had at some time been employed by McDonald's and 96% of Americans had visited McDonald's at least once. It was also serving an estimated 22 million Americans every day and even more abroad.
-White Castle is the first fast food restaurant.
-High-fructose corn syrup (which tricks your body into wanting to eat more and to store more fat) first appeared in 1967, and the average American now consumes 63 pounds of it a year. It is ubiquitous in fast foods.
-Colonel Sanders' claimed that his favourite food was White Castle.
-In 1965, a college student named Fred De Luca and family friend Dr. Peter Buck started Subway in Bridgeport, Connecticut. The first restaurant was called Pete's Super Submarines. Subway currently is located in 87 countries.
-The founders of Outback Steakhouse never visited Australia.

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ORSM VIDEO: THE I OWN THE ROADS EDITION

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.  It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:  "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000". "Now" he concluded "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

CHUBBIES HAVE MORE TO OFFER

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

-She is not a BABE or a CHICK - she is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN
-She is not EASY - she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
-She is not a DUMB BLONDE - she is a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
-She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.
-She does not NAG you - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
-She is not a TWO-BIT HOOKER - she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

-He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
-He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
-He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
-He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
-He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
-It's not his CRACK you see hanging out of his pants - its TROUSER CLEAVAGE.

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.  His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.  We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.  That's when she hit me!"  "Johnny" the father said.  "You don't do those kind of things to women". 

Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"  "But Dad" Johnny said "It wasn't my fault.  There we were in church saying our prayers.  We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.  Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.  Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

CHOOSE YOUR BUILDER CAREFULLY

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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.  "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where".  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy" admitted the manager "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".  "No problem" the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it".

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.  "Never better".  The manager was impressed.  No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"  "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" the Marine explained.  "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me".

ORSM VIDEO


Look, I'm not going to dance around it...

-Check out the site archives or I'll tell mum. MUMMMMMM....
.yadsruhT txen eb lliw etadpu txeN-
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will paint you in a bad light. LITERALLY.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and eye on the prize bro. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.05.07-
Boobies

Welcome to the sea was angry that day my friends.

Having a very normal and mostly quiet type of week. And that's good because its allowed me maximum time to ensure this update is the sickest little fucker it can possibly be.

For everyone who keeps asking... swear to god I'm trying to bring Reader Mail back. Sure, its been talked about all year but it will happen... just not today...

Okay lets run through something resembling a rundown of my life events for the past week. If you DGAF then scroll down ever so slightly and start with the bunch of text links. Guaranteed to provide hours of entertainment or I'll let you beat me with a rubber hose.

Saturday kicked off with a brisk walk. I'm firing up the exercise lately so decided to tackle the long sloping hill - go UP the long sloping hill. It's about 2 kilometres and have walked it a million times. Just as many times as I've said that if I die anytime soon it would be thanks to a bleary-eyed maniac running late for work mowing me down. That in mind, its bemusing why I'd choose to walk it pushing the pram which held my infant child. Talk about terror. And I was soon vindicated - at one point we stopped to cross at the traffic lights. Just as they changed to red [as in 'fucking stop cunts!'] and I get the signal to cross, along comes a car which runs the red. Literally 2 feet from the pram. People are dumb.

-CLICK HERE TO SEE CATCH UP ON WHAT YOU MISSED LAST MONTH ON ORSM-

Speaking of idiots. There's a bunch of papers which I've avoided attacking for seriously well over a year. One may ask how a stack of papers over a year old can be at all important but here's why: going way back to 2013 I blogged several times about how much of a hassle the bank was being to us in arranging finance. It wasn't so much the bank itself, more one particular dickhole who championed ineptitude. The whole thing was a tedious and taxing process. Then a year later some stuff wasn't adding up, I questioned it aaaand long story short the bank had to pay me back money plus interest. Again all this one particular dickhole's doing. Now would you believe he's struck again. Exactly the same shit and again its cost us except it seems this time they're trying blame me. Umm no. Meeting booked for tomorrow where I'll get my cash back as well as make a proper complaint about him hopefully fuck up his shit.

Moving on. It's safe to say I was nonplussed about the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I'm far from a diehard boxing fan but will happily go along if someone chucks free tickets at me. That obviously didn't happen Sunday because, probably, my ticket got lost in the mail or something, but at least wanted to be able to say I saw it. Arranged to hit the nearby pub with a mate. He picked me up around 11 and we drove there... turned out to be a waste of time, mostly because you could actually see my house from the wjere we parked. Arriving there we joined the 100+ person line and waited 10 before the door staff announced no one else would be getting in. The line scattered with everyone on their phones trying to find out where else they could watch it. We ended up heading north to another pub boasting an even longer line; faces literally pressed against the windows trying to see in. Next, a pub along the coast which we thought was a good chance however found it closed for a private function. Fuck. The fight was well underway by then so we gave up and found another pub not showing it at all and had a few beers. Far from a total loss and ogling the constant flow of girls may had to have been better than being sardined in a pub with a million screaming guys.

Now if you consider this was one person's experience in one city in the world and then multiply that by all the people and all the cities, it's easy to see why the fight generated the insane dollars.

Alright that should about do it with the words and stuff. Prepare yourself now for a brand-spanking new update. It's the one you've been hanging out for since the last one. Check it...

 

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Teen Crim16 Year Old Is A Criminal Mastermind. From A Brilliant Heist, Forgeries And A Drive By This Kid Is Impressive! - For PaulThis GTA V Tribute To Paul Walker Is Pretty Awesome - 1 Man ArmySynthol Superpower Fail – Bodybuilder Nearly Lost Both His Arms Attempting To Look Like The Hulk - That Easy!Terrifying Social Experiment Shows Just How Easy It Is To Kidnap A Child In A Public Place - Stolen ValourNo One Likes Stolen Valour - Lego FantasyThe World’s Biggest Lego Fan - Night TerrorsHellish Video Game Wants To Transform Your Home Into A Horror-Laden Nightmare - Think VaginaGuys Describe Then Attempt To Draw The Ideal Female Genitalia—And Things Get Kind Of Awkward - Sum PointsIt's Time To Put Your Thinking Caps On, People. Yes, That Means Going Into The Cupboard, Dusting Off The Dust, Squeezing The Cap On Your Head And Using It.

Cube EscapeThat Party Last Night Was Wild... Really Wild. You Must Of Passed Out After The Ninth Or Tenth Drink... You Can't Remember. - Nude HipsterKelsey Is The Hipster For Purple Magazine - WondrousArguably the best nips in the universe, Bai Ling Slips one out - Latin CutieHere Are Pics Of New Porn Cutie Ada Sanchez Getting Completely Naked! - PeckerheadWoodpecker Murders A Dove, Then Eats His Brains - Sexy ArabMiddle Eastern Cutie Ada Got Her Pussy Filled With Tasty Cream After Getting Pounded By Massive Hard Cock - Pussy GripThat Pussy Grips This Black Cock Like Kung Fu Grip! - DangleAll He's Got In Life Is His Balls, His Bike, A Gopro And A Dream. So Ride Along With Our Anonymous Protagonist As He Cruises Through The City Visually Tea Bagging Unsuspecting Females. - The HornsA Highly Entertaining Compilation Of People Getting Nailed By Angry Bulls - Messed UpThink About This Statement: Girl Hates Sex With Grandmother.

Gun ItIt's A Strangely Addictive Game, With A Very Simple Premise - Shooting Guns Is Fun. - Meet SparkyApparently Someone Threw A Soda Can Down There. When He Tried To Get It Out - ZAP! - Epic TittiesNow These Are Some Big Titties - Perfect 10Emily Ratajkowski Deleted This FULL Nude Selfie But Not Quick Enough... - YummyYummy New Pics Of Sarah Randall Wearing A Fishnet Top Which Leaves Pretty Much Nothing To The Imagination. But, Why Would You Want To Imagine Things When Reality Is This Good? - Face BlastIts A Good Thing She Was Wearing Glasses. She May Have Been Blind After That Face Blasting. - Phat Ass Kapri Styles' Phat Ass Gone Wild - Shitty MumWoman On Bike Drags Little Kid For Over A Mile Forcing Him To Run - Miley's PussyMiley Cyrus Gets Her Pussy Out For V Magazine And Its Fucking Beautiful - Mak'er Bleed!Take One Mildly Attractive Girl, Put Her In An Amateur Bare Knuckle Fight Against An Angry Ogre Woman And The Results Are Just As Expected. This Is Fight Porn If I've Ever Seen It, And The Money Shot Is Bloody!

What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist you racist fuck.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Take only one. God is watching". Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another "Take all you want.  God is watching the apples".
--
One day a blonde walks into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what happened. She says "Well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other". "The bastard called again!"
--
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner". She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"  She says "A hundred dollars". He says "All I got is thirty".  She says "Hold on" and runs back to Harry and asks "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job" Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.  He agrees.  She gets in the car.  He unzips his pants, and out pops a huge dick... like HUGE. She stares at it for a minute, and then says "I'll be right back".  She runs back to Harry, and asks "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME!

I haven't lived with loads of different people but there were definitely a couple of personality clashes in the mix. Okay sure, if you really drilled into it you would find those in question were total knob jockeys and here you will find its a very common problem...

-I lived with two monsters. From letting their cats/ferret shit on the floor and not cleaning it up for months to leaving crusty pots and pans on the stove a week after cooking and one of them vomiting in their bed and not cleaning that up for three days (yes, they slept in it like that), it was hell. At one point, I was sitting in the living area trying to get some studying done when one of them comes out from their room and burps in my face after giving her boyfriend a blowjob. I think that was the cherry on top.

-One of my friends had a rabbit called Hope, she came home one day and her housemate looked her dead in the eyes and told her "Your Hope is dead". She had no idea what the girl meant until she went into her room to find the rabbit dead on her bed. Her housemate had for whatever reason snapped and killed it. She left that place the next day.

-I had two roommates that kept eating all of my food. Within the first week (classes haven't even started) I went to make myself a peanut butter sandwich, my first peanut butter sandwich in this dorm. It was fucking gone. They left the tub in my cupboard. Anyways I flipped the fuck out because who the hell eats a whole tub of peanut butter by themselves, without introducing themselves? These girls would literally scarf down all my food, and bitch like crazy if they thought anyone was touching their food. So I started buying really fattening food, doughnuts, etc. I was trying to teach them self-restraint, but these bitches would go through these boxes within two days. So I kept buying doughnuts. And then one day they started complaining about how they couldn't fit their jeans. Success. I also put laxatives in the peanut butter.

-She refused to look at me when I spoke. She also told me I was the one who violated her privacy (true), but she had been stealing from me all year (she ate my food ALL THE TIME and lied about it) and I was technically taking back what was mine. She refused to give back one of the shirts (which I'd had for years) and insisted it was hers. She also told me that I was selfish for not allowing her to just take whatever clothes she wanted, because she would "give someone the clothes off her back" and she, unlike me, was a really unselfish person. She also told me that it was no big deal that she had taken/lost/broken multiple items of my jewellery, because it was just "costume jewellery".

-"Played" electric guitar with an amplifier. I damn near killed him when he woke me up often playing that damn guitar. The guitar guys tried to teach him, but he kept getting too frustrated and gave up. He was hated by the floor because he wouldn't use his guitar without his amp plugged in and the volume cranked up. I also hid any and all food I brought in, because he had a policy of "if it's in the open, I will eat it". I guess sophomore year he lived in a place with 4-5 other guys, and when all but him left for Thanksgiving break, he stayed in and emptied out the apartment of all the snack food present.

-A friend of mine had a dorm roommate that wet the bed - not because she was drunk, but because she had a legit medical issue, ran out of her meds and for some unknown reason would not go get more. Anyways, instead of washing her bedding after each 'incident' she just kept putting more blankets on top. The room smelled. The hall smelled. The elevator lobby smelled.

-My roommate freshman year got completely hammered, came back to the room around 1 in the morning, and accused me of stealing the pudding in her fridge that she had eaten an hour before she went out. She waited until I fell asleep and then stabbed me in the arm with one of those clicky pencils. I had to go to the hospital to get it cleaned/stitched. She got kicked out.

-She had a habit of getting incredibly drunk and high and then bringing back a random guys she met ON THE STREET. I once woke up to find my room DESTROYED and blood all over the bathroom walls. BLOOD. It turns out, she had brought some random guy home, and had pulled my room apart searching for condoms while I was asleep. She wasn't sure how they got blood all over the walls, but the guy was gone in the morning.

-My freshman roommate had a serious boyfriend from back home and this was their first time apart. His school was only a few hours away, so he made pretty regular weekend-long visits, which were always surprises to me. Whenever he showed up, they went at it a lot. Which, fine, I get it - you're in love and need some time alone, etc. But I came down with a pretty serious case of mono halfway through the semester and felt like I was on my deathbed. I made the mistake of leaving my room for a minute to go to the bathroom and when I came back, they'd locked the door on me... and I had to sleep in the hall. With mono. Shivering in a corner.

-Walked in on him -room full of lit candles- masturbating furiously on bed covered in rose petals. Apparently, some girl was supposed to come over and she did not show. The image still haunts my dreams.

-One year my roommate and I decided to have a costume party. I bought my costume in advance and was really excited about it. The day of the party comes along and I take my costume out of my closet and notice that there was permanent marker smeared all over it. On closer inspection I realise it's my roommates name spelled backwards. I was very confused and asked her what it was. She confessed that she had worn my costume while having sex with someone and before they had sex she had doodled her name on his body with a permanent marker and it had come off on my costume. Needless to say I did not wear the costume that night. Kudos to her for admitting it though.

-I lived with three girls and one of them dropped a raisin in the middle of our kitchen floor. I'm partly complicit in this since I didn't pick it up myself, so don't judge me, but... that raisin stayed there until the day we moved out.

-My roommate freshman year was a bitch. From the moment we first met, I knew I was doomed. On move in day "You don't steal, do you?" was her greeting to me. After our families left she quickly responded to her psychiatrists email and asked me when I planned on dropping out so that she could use my bed as a couch. She was rude and was always loudly talking on the phone with her boyfriend. I woke up one night and they were having phone sex. Her side of the room was disgusting and she told everyone on my floor that I was crazy and jealous of her because I was poor. My first few weeks of college were tough enough and having to deal with her was wearing me down. I coped the only way I knew how, I wrote in an (what I thought to be anonymous) online journal. I wrote about the phone sex, the entitlement she had and how miserable it all was making me. She found the journal, used an out-of-school email address to threaten me bodily harm. I brought it to the resident director and she asked to see what I had written as well. At the end of the day I was told that I had a problem with depression and anger and needed to undergo mandatory counselling and sign a "safety contract" saying that I would not hurt myself or others but was allowed to move into a single room. The bitch ended up going crazy - holed herself in her room and never went to classes, dropped out and had a kid. I graduated so I guess I win.

-It was around 10am, I had just stumbled in the door, feeling awful from a night out. All I wanted was to take a shower, eat something, and go to sleep. I made my way upstairs and headed into the bathroom. I pulled aside the curtain, stepped into the tub, closed my eyes and stood there with my back under the water. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something foreign on the edge of the tub. Something I had not noticed when I stepped in. I tilted my head downwards, allowing my eyes to adjust... and there it was. Unmistakable. A USED tampon. Just hanging out, on the edge of the tub, like the soap's gross shower party guest. I freaked out, turned the shower off, grabbed my towel, ran into my room. I was entirely too hungover to deal with another woman's menstrual blood. And there was only one girl who was home that day and only one who was currently having her witchy moon time. That got awkward later let me tell you.

HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN THE LADIES ROOM...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.  Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. 

"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.  If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".

The philosopher then stepped up "Okay, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings".  With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"  With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. 

The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorised!"  With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said "Bring me a chair!"  The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat".  The Devil did just that.  The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.  Standing up, he asked "Which hole did my fart come out from?"  The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my asshole".  And the idiot went to heaven.

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A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30pm the second guy says "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night". The first guy replies "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning".

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black.  He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes.  The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother!"

ALL THIS CAMPING WILL MAKE YOU PITCH A TENT

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ORSM VIDEO: THE NOW I'M HUNGRY EDITION

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME! (CONTINUED)

-I once lived in a house with about 15 other people (started off with four, but people kept showing up and not leaving), and this one girl would constantly steal from me. It started off with her stealing food and escalated to her stealing stuff like jewellery from my room, then WEARING IT IN FRONT OF ME and insisting it was hers. One day I went through the house and took all the toilet paper, Kleenex, towels, etc., I could find and hid them. Then I laced a hot dog with laxatives and left it on the counter. Took her about five minutes to steal and eat the hot dog. Thirty minutes later I saw her emerge from the bathroom (which had no shower, just a toilet and sink) looking like she was on the brink of death. She never mentioned the mysterious lack of toilet paper, and my stuff was never stolen again.

-At a large state school, lots of people party and get smashed every weekend. Not exactly my thing, but I knew what I was signing on for when I was admitted. The particularly fine sample of humanity that was my roommate sophomore year took things one step further. He once came back to our apartment so drunk (and blacked out, he claims) that he defecated in his pants shortly after opening our door. Gross. But wait, there's more. I woke up the next morning, saw a pair of shit filled pants on the floor and bizarrely, also a golf ball-sized spot of poop on our ceiling. What sort of shit-juggling went awry that night? I also found out that this same asshole date raped a friend of a friend but she refused to go to police. He tried to grope my younger female cousin at one point. And to top it all off, he chewed with his mouth open.

-Moving in, everyone seemed cool, except for this one guy. Very anti-social and smelled AWFUL. Since he was in a wheelchair, he had his own bathroom so we didn't see much of him. After the first couple of weeks living in the dorm everything is hunky dory; that's when the odour started. It quite literally smelled like shit. After some sniff searching, we came to the conclusion that it was coming from smelly wheelchair guy's (SWG) room. We complained to the RA about the smell, and they installed an air freshener in the hallway. Did basically nothing. It got so bad that girls would refuse to come to our room because of the smell. Thankfully, after winter break SWG was gone and we finally found out about the source of the smell. It turns out the guy wore adult diapers. He had bowel issues, not really that big of deal however where a normal person would dispose of a soiled diaper, this kid put them in a duffle bag underneath the bed and kept it there. He accumulated quite a collection. Multiple duffle bags. Once he moved out, they tore up the carpet, stripped and repainted the walls, and fumigated the room.

-At college my first year roommate used to masturbate in her sleep. I would wake up to find her moaning with her hands down her pants playing with herself. She had been totally unaware that she did this because she never shared a room with anyone growing up. This went on for 6 months. She even tried putting mittens on but she would take them off in her sleep. Finally, after therapy, doctor visits and many sleepless nights, the college decided they had to give her a single. Longest 6 months of my life.

-I did not know Eric was a drug dealer. At first I just thought he had a lot of friends. But I put two and two together after a while and I suddenly came to the realisation that I was living in a drug den. Sure, it was "just" pot, but potheads are fucking ANNOYING. With Andy's supplier living with him, Andy was pretty much high 24/7, as was Eric. They were wake and bakers, and after Andy got laid off, they spent all day smoking weed and playing video games. But apparently, Eric wasn't a very good, or secretive, drug dealer. One day he and I were in his room watching Day of the Dead when three dudes walked in. I was used to dudes walking in without knocking by this point so didn't think much of it. But when Eric asked who the dudes were I got a little concerned. I got up to show some muscle, I'm a big guy, so I look pretty imposing. Not imposing enough, however. I don't remember the first hit. I just remember falling to the ground and covering my head as they asked "Where the shit was". Eric, being a bad drug dealer, smoked all his shit. He didn't have and drugs, nor did he have any money. This pissed the dudes off, and they proceeded to beat the holy hell out of us. One of them even pulled a gun and decided that the back of my head would be a good target for the butt of it. I still have a pretty nasty scar. They left. I got 15 stitches, a scratched cornea and a busted lip. I moved out the following week, saved up some money and then left the state altogether.

-I got along pretty well with my freshman roommate, but we were both really competitive and had a long standing rivalry of who was the "champion of the room". Fast forward to the end of the year, I decided I needed to prove that I was the champion once and for all, so I went online and bought a trophy declaring myself champion. I told my roommate that I was definitively the champion and he would soon find out why. He didn't believe me at first, but I could tell he was getting nervous. The day the trophy came, I left it on his desk while he was at class. He didn't talk to me for about 3 days. A week or so later, he got pissed at me for something and decided he had to get back at me. Since he was a buffoon, he did what he knew best, and took a shit on my trophy. I made him wash it with his bare hands. I still have the trophy today, and I am still the champion.

-My roommate freshman year had a long distance boyfriend. He was a senior in high school and lived about four hours away. A few months in she discovered he was cheating on her. They broke up he and started dating this other girl in his hometown. Now my roommate was pretty angry about this and wanted to win him back so she continued to visit him and sleep with him behind this other girl's back. The crazy part: she decides to get pregnant in order to win him back. She secretly stops taking birth control and would do those hip thrust exercises after having sex with him to increase her chances of getting pregnant. Lo and behold three months later she gets pregnant. She drops out of school right before spring finals to live at home and date this guy who eventually re-dumped her and ended up marrying someone else. The baby was pretty cute though.

-My roommate freshman year started to get really depressed as the first semester wore on and as the second semester began. She never left the dorm, was often still in bed when I got back from class, and, while all of that made me feel really bad for her, I could not overlook one thing: she rarely showered since she rarely got out of bed, and when it was her time of the month, well, you could smell the period blood from her side of the room. It was revolting.

-My roommate got butt drunk one night, came home, and pissed in our trashcan. If I wasn't awake at the time and hadn't yelled at her to at least leave the trashcan outside, she admitted that she would have left it in the room to fester all night long. Another time she hooked up with a big black guy, who apparently jizzed all over her bed. A couple days later, I heard her talking to a friend on the phone, where she proceeded to brag that she hadn't washed her sheets and that the jizz stains were still there.

-It's move in day, and the kid seems fairly normal. He brings in all of his boxes and shit and I can see in a clear plastic container he has sheets for his bed, a bedspread, a pillow, etc. All of this stayed in that box the entire semester. He slept on the plastic mattress cover, which started out white but ended up being a grimy yellow colour. He had serious hygiene problems as well. Being completely honest, he showered perhaps once a month. He also owned no deodorant except the small travel stick he had arrived with, which ran out after two weeks. He had a bottle of shampoo which sat unused on his desk the entire semester. He didn't do laundry, ever. I know this because he owned a single small bottle of Tide that also sat on his desk untouched the entire semester. Instead, as his clothes were worn, they were stuffed into a large sack. When it was full, he would pull out the clothes from the bottom and wear them again. He liked to lean against the wall and read, which left giant grease stains all over his side of the room.

-Showered roughly every 6-7 days. Only did laundry when he would go back home on breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day, spring break, that's it). It got to the point where some of the girls of the floor would come in and talk to him to make sure he was keeping up a shower schedule, but even they gave up after a few weeks. The RA tried, and he usually showered when the RA told him to, but even then that was a temporary solution.

-I have a roommate who made eggs in an electric frying pan 2 days ago and "left it to cool". They're still there, and she's gone home since.

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road". When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket".

Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched". Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied "Don't count your chickens before they hatch".

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well" Johnny replied "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking".

DARK NIPPLES REALLY STICK OUT

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

"Where have ye been all this time child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family".

"Okay, dad. As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve onboard my new yacht".

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff".

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug".

RANDOM SHITE

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PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35" he replied. "I'm actually 47" the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age". There was no one around, so the woman said "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said "OK, You are 47". Stunned, the woman said "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied "I was behind you in line at McDonald's".

NAILED IT! THANKS PINTEREST...

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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you" I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV". "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed... ain't nobody under there now!"

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Well my work here is done meaning its update OVER but please, do not fret. All the answers you seek about when and how and where and why can be found by reading the next few lines [I like to make it easy for the dumdum's). Anyway... READ:

-Check out the site archives and don't be a fuck about it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Cool? Cool.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray beat you like an ugly child.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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