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I've smashed into this update as hard as possible this week. Haven't fucked around, spent too long (re)watching The Soprano's, wasted time with the family, had any appointments or any reason to leave the house (except the one day I went to grab Subway for lunch). Yet I still couldn't get this blog section done. I def had a stab at it but the words just wouldn't flow. No point forcing it right?
Actually the only thing really worth mentioning is a follow-up to the breathing test. Remember I was saying how the first appointment got cancelled halfway through because a woman was in a bad way? Turns out she was having a heart attack. Not sure if she lived but now at least I know what that looks like...
The second appointment was a fail too. The lung function test could not be completed because... they forgot to recharge the batteries on the machine. *SMH* Too fucking hard. I'm off to a specialist.
Alright here's a bunch of 'umour to get us going. Enjoy the rest of the update. I'm not one to oversell or hype things up but this update is far and above any other one ever, including everything posted on the internet, ever. Check it...
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want".
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep".
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny" said the teacher gently "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child". "Oh, don't worry" said Little Johnny reassuringly "I'll use a rubber!"
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks "Great, they think the dog did it". He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you".
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry". She immediately replies "The red-head in the middle". Stunned, the young man says "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her" she says.
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to an itchy rash in her privates. When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "When is the last time you've had sex?" The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin. He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt... your cherry has rotted!"
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich". The Madam says "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf". The trucker says "I'm not horny, I'm homesick".
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised" the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end". "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mum said I was two days old". "Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty!" Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Old Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think".
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Teacher SexBusty Sex Teacher Veronica Avluv Fucking - *Drained*She's All Smiles While Sucking Every Last Drop Of Fluid From Her Boyfriend's Ball Bag. - LOL Wot?Most Ridiculous Orgasms Fucking Ever - Tatted SlutSlut With Tattooed Asshole Gets Fucked POV - Model ShootThere Will Always Be A Steady Stream Of Eager To Get Naked, Showing Off Body, Pussy Until I’m In My Grave And Holly Graves Is A Reminder Of What’s To Come... In More Ways Than One... - Sisterly LoveTwin Sisters Quietly Strip Down And Finger Fuck Themselves Whilst Trying Not To Get Caught - Ka-BOOM!CCTV Captures Chemical Factory Blast That Injured 30 In Spain. - Strips DownShe May Look Innocent On The Outside, But This Amateur Girl Is A Spitfire That Never Turns Down The Dick. - Long ShotIf Your Cumshots Last More Than An Hour, See A Doctor
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realises that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone". So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says "Let's stop up and see that guy". The other girl says "Gee... do you think he'd remember us?"
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied "Just doing what you said doctor - get a hot mamma and be cheerful!" The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful".
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".
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TIPS THAT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE
Some of these tips seem very obvious but then why do people still manage to kill themselves such avoidable ways?
-Trust your instincts. That is our natural warning system and it's usually right. Your subconscious mind picks on those warning signs that your conscious mind doesn't. If a situation doesn't add up or if you don't feel right about a person, location etc, listen to your gut instinct.
-Never let an attacker drag you into a vehicle. Fight with every ounce of strength you possess to keep from getting in that car. The chance of you being found or rescued drops significantly once you are moved to a second location.
-In the case of an earthquake, wooden homes are safer because if they collapse, they leave voids where one can stay. Brick and mortar buildings tend to crumble into smaller pieces, burying potential survivors.
-When camping don't sleep under a tree. They shed limbs as part of their growth process and can crush a car.
-When you are stuck in survival situations, remember: 3 minutes without air, 3 hours without shelter, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food... and you're pretty much fucked.
-Do not remove objects from stab wounds. Whatever is in there could be blocking/stopping the blood flow, so leave it in there. If there is no object and the victim is bleeding, put pressure on it using whatever is around: a jacket, your shirt, your hand, etc.
-If you're in a hotel room with a door that has a peephole without any cover, place a crumpled paper or tissue in the hole so that nobody can look inside. Peepholes aren't always foolproof.
-If you're caught in a tornado, don't hide under a bridge or in a building - they tend to collapse. Your safest bet is to stay in your car, park it in an open area, lock all the windows and doors, buckle your seatbelt and wait it out. If you choose to try and outrun the tornado, don't just start driving. Instead, watch the funnel and assess where it's heading, and then drive away from the storm's trajectory.
-The simple act of chewing on a stick of gum can suppress your appetite, thereby preserving limited food supplies from overindulgence, while aiding in necessary saliva production
-Always let someone know where you will be. It doesn't matter if you are going out with friends or going hiking alone. Someone needs to know where you are so they know if you have not returned.
-Never pull out any weapon unless you're prepared to kill or die. Weapons escalate the situation and there is always a risk of it being used against you. Also, never use pepper spray in a closed space. It will incapacitate you and the perpetrator in the process.
-Caught in an avalanche? Spit! As soon as you stop moving, make an air pocket in front of your face, then spit. Even if you're disoriented, your saliva is still affected by gravity, so watch where it dribbles and dig in the opposite direction.
-Always rush survivors of drowning to the hospital. Bacteria in their lungs can kill them, after a severe reaction.
-Condoms are useful in another way: water storage. Durable and stretchable, a condom can hold up to a gallon of water. They can also be used to protect against water, as a stretchable cover for valuable items like matches and walkie-talkies.
-Your mobile phone can almost always dial emergency. The universal number for GSM phones is 112. Most phones allow you to do this even if it is locked or has no sim card installed.
-In emergency situations, especially in accidents, most people will stand and look at you but will resist helping you because of the bystander effect. You can avoid it by pointing out directly to someone and asking for help. For example, don't yell at a crowd for help; point at one person and say "you in blue shirt, call the ambulance now!"
-Stuck in a snowy area - do not eat the snow! If you need to hydrate, pick up some snow and melt it before you drink it, otherwise you may induce hypothermia from the inside-out.
-Vinegar is a versatile antibacterial and microbial that can treat skin burns, inflammations and infections. As a cleaning agent it sanitises and deodorises, and can mask any odours that you may not want to smell yourself, or which you're afraid might give away your position to wildlife.
-Underwater and don't know which way is up? Just breathe and follow the air bubbles. They're going up.
-If you encounter any hostile situation/person, you will only have two options - fight or flight. Many people freeze due to shock or adrenaline when they are under such situations. You need to decide immediately what your course of action will be.
-After a catastrophic event, water sources can get polluted, making drinking water hard to obtain. If you have the option, fill up your bathtub, sinks and every container you can with water to provide yourself with safe drinking water for some time.
-At the beach, if the water recedes suddenly, find high ground fast.
-In an emergency, the fire department might not be able to respond, and your water supply could be too precious to waste on fire fighting. An inexpensive alternative, baking soda easily puts out cooking and other small fires that may occur while hunkered in your bunker.
-If you are being attacked, go for the groin, eyes or ears. That is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit in, it could stop them long enough for you to get away.
-If you are being attacked, you can defend yourself by hitting them in their groin, eyes or ears. This is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit, you can stall them long enough for you to get away.
-Got matches but you need to keep them dry? Store them inside of your flashlight.
-Have a superficial wound that needs stitching? No medical staff, no needle and thread or no sewing training? No problem. While it will not do much for penetrating wounds like gunshots, super glue as an emergency suture can quickly bind and protect minor lacerations that otherwise could become infected.
Sources: #1, #2 ,#3 ,#4
Previously: UNSHAVEN #6 - UNSHAVEN #5 - UNSHAVEN #4 - UNSHAVEN #3 - UNSHAVEN #2 - UNSHAVEN #1
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy" Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way" replied Chas "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days" he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent".
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else" said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand". Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder" he laughed. "That's my old one!"
A left wing Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured by ISIS and were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The Politician asked to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying here.
The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.
The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.
This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.
"Because" said the Trooper "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack!"
GIRLS GETTING THEM OUT previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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ORSM VIDEO: LUXURY CAR EDITION
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER HEAR A WOMEN SAY
"You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me".
"I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!"
"This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gangbang".
"Don't get up, I like sleeping in the wet spot".
"Don't dirty up your t-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse".
"That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?"
"I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy".
"You're my daddy, you're my daddy!"
"The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for on Friday".
"Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!"
"While you were in the bathroom, Eagles kicked another goal. You're tipping is looking good this week!"
"Bar food again!? Kick ass!"
"I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class".
"That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her".
"I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more".
"I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!"
"Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore".
"I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?"
"It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers".
"Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!"
"I hate spending money on stupid shit we don't need".
"My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends".
"I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again".
"Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch".
"You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!"
"You are so much smarter than my dad".
"If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter".
"I'll swallow it all. I love the taste".
"What do you mean today's our anniversary?"
"Are you sure you've had enough to drink?"
"Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV".
"I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you".
"Ohh, this diamond is way too big!"
"Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?"
"... and for our honeymoon we're going on a fishing trip!"
"You're so sexy when you're hungover".
"Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'".
"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
"Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there".
"Let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses".
"Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here".
"I'll be outside mowing the lawn".
"I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress".
"I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too".
"Honey, the neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again - come see!"
"I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
"You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings".
"Man... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news". God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied "Please give me the good news first".
Smiling, God explained "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children".
Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" Then I said "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old". He replied "You must have been quite a strong boy".
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex". He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand" I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV". He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married". The Judge said "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex".
My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely". and the doctor said "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog".
OLDER SHITE: 4th May - 27th April - 20th April - 13th April - 6th April - 30th March - 23rd March - 16th March
|PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little retarded boy was walking home past the high school one day when he notices a lone car in the middle of the football field. Curious, he goes up to the car and sees a guy and a girl having sex inside. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off, flew out the window and landed on the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch.
Soon enough, the guy notices his condom is missing. He then sees the little retarded boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.
He says to the little boy "Hey, gimme that damn thing back!" The little boy replies "No, its my Twinkie!" The high schooler persists "Give it back now or I'll kick your ass!" The little retard replies "No, it's MY Twinkie!"
Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says "Look kid, if you give it back I'll give you $20 okay?" Quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could.
He flings open the door and his mother is there to greet him. He was so excited about what had happened that he yelled at the top of his lungs "Mummy, mummy! Some guy gave me $20 for a Twinkie, even though I sucked out all the cream filling!"
Previously on Orsm: TIGHT DRESSES #1
There are three young boys walking on a beach. They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini. Two of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now she is topless. Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again but now she is completely naked! Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The two friends catch up to the last guy and ask him "Why are you running away from such a beautiful sight?" He says "My mother told me when I was a little boy that if a man saw a naked woman, he would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something getting hard".
PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: JUSTINE - IZZY - BLAIR - RICCA - HANNA - KRISTA - KARINA - STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE
Annnnnnnnnd D-O-N-E. You probably have some questions. Here are the answers...
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my balls. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.