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May 2017...
orsmupdate 2017.05.11-19.13
Boobies

Welcome to hashtag abuse. #peoplewhoabusehashtags #people #who #abuse #hashtags #orsm #zomg #trending #twitter #sharkattacks #nofilter #legday #cats #squadgoals #ballin #jesus #foodporn #420 #stopkony #pointlesshashtags #irrelevanthashtags #deleteyouraccount #tbt #coachella #makeitstop #yougetthepicture

I've smashed into this update as hard as possible this week. Haven't fucked around, spent too long (re)watching The Soprano's, wasted time with the family, had any appointments or any reason to leave the house (except the one day I went to grab Subway for lunch). Yet I still couldn't get this blog section done. I def had a stab at it but the words just wouldn't flow. No point forcing it right?

Actually the only thing really worth mentioning is a follow-up to the breathing test. Remember I was saying how the first appointment got cancelled halfway through because a woman was in a bad way? Turns out she was having a heart attack. Not sure if she lived but now at least I know what that looks like...

The second appointment was a fail too. The lung function test could not be completed because... they forgot to recharge the batteries on the machine. *SMH* Too fucking hard. I'm off to a specialist.

Alright here's a bunch of 'umour to get us going. Enjoy the rest of the update. I'm not one to oversell or hype things up but this update is far and above any other one ever, including everything posted on the internet, ever. Check it...

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A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want".
--
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep".
--
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny" said the teacher gently "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child". "Oh, don't worry" said Little Johnny reassuringly "I'll use a rubber!"
--
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks "Great, they think the dog did it". He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you".
--
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry". She immediately replies "The red-head in the middle". Stunned, the young man says "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her" she says.
--
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
--
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to an itchy rash in her privates. When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "When is the last time you've had sex?" The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin. He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt... your cherry has rotted!"
--
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich". The Madam says "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf". The trucker says "I'm not horny, I'm homesick".
--
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised" the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end". "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mum said I was two days old". "Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
--
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty!" Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Old Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think".

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Love Me Some FloydThe Pink Floyd Exhibition: Their Mortal Remains Review – A Total ‘Must-See’ For All Music Fans- The Humanity!Inhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - El Chapo's ReignThe New Narcos? Netflix Series ‘El Chapo’ Will Focus On Mexican Drug Kingpin Joaquin Guzman - CinematicInsane Head-On Collision Right Out Of A Michael Bay Movie - Perfect NipsBella Thorne In A Slightly See Through Sweater - Ariel Struttin'Ariel Winter Went To Disneyland In A Skimpy Outfit - Get Over ItBuilding A Bridge Goes Wrong!! - Funny PixPhun's Funny Pictures DCLV

Clench ThemPaper In Ass Cheeks Challenge Makes Me Happy - Funeral FailFuneral Goes From Bad... To Worse - Sexual TeenLatina Bombshell Takes Her Vaginal Antics Seriously. She May Be Auditioning For Hardcore Fucking With A Stranger But She's Still A Classy Lady. - "Blacked"Tiny Young Girl Skye West First Interracial - Mile High ;-)Gorgeous. Beautiful. Perfect. I Could Keep This Adjective List Going, But It Would Only Get In The Way Of Jerking Off! - BralessFrancesca Eastwood Braless In See Through Tight Sweater - Babe Attack!Pornstar Molly Cavalli Was Testing Out Camsoda’s New Tech Which Lets Girls Do Cam Shows From Anywhere... Even Shark Cages! The Shark Had Other Ideas Though... - Buttload Of ButtsEnjoy This Butt Load Of Butts. Try Not To Tear Your Dick Off In The Process.

Teacher SexBusty Sex Teacher Veronica Avluv Fucking - *Drained*She's All Smiles While Sucking Every Last Drop Of Fluid From Her Boyfriend's Ball Bag. - LOL Wot?Most Ridiculous Orgasms Fucking Ever - Tatted SlutSlut With Tattooed Asshole Gets Fucked POV - Model ShootThere Will Always Be A Steady Stream Of Eager To Get Naked, Showing Off Body, Pussy Until I’m In My Grave And Holly Graves Is A Reminder Of What’s To Come... In More Ways Than One... - Sisterly LoveTwin Sisters Quietly Strip Down And Finger Fuck Themselves Whilst Trying Not To Get Caught - Ka-BOOM!CCTV Captures Chemical Factory Blast That Injured 30 In Spain. - Strips DownShe May Look Innocent On The Outside, But This Amateur Girl Is A Spitfire That Never Turns Down The Dick. - Long ShotIf Your Cumshots Last More Than An Hour, See A Doctor

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realises that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone". So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says "Let's stop up and see that guy". The other girl says "Gee... do you think he'd remember us?"
--
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied "Just doing what you said doctor - get a hot mamma and be cheerful!" The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful".
--
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
--
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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TIPS THAT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE

Some of these tips seem very obvious but then why do people still manage to kill themselves such avoidable ways?

-Trust your instincts. That is our natural warning system and it's usually right. Your subconscious mind picks on those warning signs that your conscious mind doesn't. If a situation doesn't add up or if you don't feel right about a person, location etc, listen to your gut instinct.

-Never let an attacker drag you into a vehicle. Fight with every ounce of strength you possess to keep from getting in that car. The chance of you being found or rescued drops significantly once you are moved to a second location.

-In the case of an earthquake, wooden homes are safer because if they collapse, they leave voids where one can stay. Brick and mortar buildings tend to crumble into smaller pieces, burying potential survivors.

-When camping don't sleep under a tree. They shed limbs as part of their growth process and can crush a car.

-When you are stuck in survival situations, remember: 3 minutes without air, 3 hours without shelter, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food... and you're pretty much fucked.

-Do not remove objects from stab wounds. Whatever is in there could be blocking/stopping the blood flow, so leave it in there. If there is no object and the victim is bleeding, put pressure on it using whatever is around: a jacket, your shirt, your hand, etc.

-If you're in a hotel room with a door that has a peephole without any cover, place a crumpled paper or tissue in the hole so that nobody can look inside. Peepholes aren't always foolproof.

-If you're caught in a tornado, don't hide under a bridge or in a building - they tend to collapse. Your safest bet is to stay in your car, park it in an open area, lock all the windows and doors, buckle your seatbelt and wait it out. If you choose to try and outrun the tornado, don't just start driving. Instead, watch the funnel and assess where it's heading, and then drive away from the storm's trajectory.

-The simple act of chewing on a stick of gum can suppress your appetite, thereby preserving limited food supplies from overindulgence, while aiding in necessary saliva production

-Always let someone know where you will be. It doesn't matter if you are going out with friends or going hiking alone. Someone needs to know where you are so they know if you have not returned.

-Never pull out any weapon unless you're prepared to kill or die. Weapons escalate the situation and there is always a risk of it being used against you. Also, never use pepper spray in a closed space. It will incapacitate you and the perpetrator in the process.

-Caught in an avalanche? Spit! As soon as you stop moving, make an air pocket in front of your face, then spit. Even if you're disoriented, your saliva is still affected by gravity, so watch where it dribbles and dig in the opposite direction.

-Always rush survivors of drowning to the hospital. Bacteria in their lungs can kill them, after a severe reaction.

-Condoms are useful in another way: water storage. Durable and stretchable, a condom can hold up to a gallon of water. They can also be used to protect against water, as a stretchable cover for valuable items like matches and walkie-talkies.

-Your mobile phone can almost always dial emergency. The universal number for GSM phones is 112. Most phones allow you to do this even if it is locked or has no sim card installed.

-In emergency situations, especially in accidents, most people will stand and look at you but will resist helping you because of the bystander effect. You can avoid it by pointing out directly to someone and asking for help. For example, don't yell at a crowd for help; point at one person and say "you in blue shirt, call the ambulance now!"

-Stuck in a snowy area - do not eat the snow! If you need to hydrate, pick up some snow and melt it before you drink it, otherwise you may induce hypothermia from the inside-out.

-Vinegar is a versatile antibacterial and microbial that can treat skin burns, inflammations and infections. As a cleaning agent it sanitises and deodorises, and can mask any odours that you may not want to smell yourself, or which you're afraid might give away your position to wildlife.

-Underwater and don't know which way is up? Just breathe and follow the air bubbles. They're going up.

-If you encounter any hostile situation/person, you will only have two options - fight or flight. Many people freeze due to shock or adrenaline when they are under such situations. You need to decide immediately what your course of action will be.

-After a catastrophic event, water sources can get polluted, making drinking water hard to obtain. If you have the option, fill up your bathtub, sinks and every container you can with water to provide yourself with safe drinking water for some time.

-At the beach, if the water recedes suddenly, find high ground fast.

-In an emergency, the fire department might not be able to respond, and your water supply could be too precious to waste on fire fighting. An inexpensive alternative, baking soda easily puts out cooking and other small fires that may occur while hunkered in your bunker.

-If you are being attacked, go for the groin, eyes or ears. That is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit in, it could stop them long enough for you to get away.

-If you are being attacked, you can defend yourself by hitting them in their groin, eyes or ears. This is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit, you can stall them long enough for you to get away.

-Got matches but you need to keep them dry? Store them inside of your flashlight.

-Have a superficial wound that needs stitching? No medical staff, no needle and thread or no sewing training? No problem. While it will not do much for penetrating wounds like gunshots, super glue as an emergency suture can quickly bind and protect minor lacerations that otherwise could become infected.

Sources: #1, #2 ,#3 ,#4

30 GIRLS WITH EXCELLENT UNSHAVEN PUSSIES BECAUSE HAIRY IS MAKING A COMEBACK!

UNSHAVEN 7

Previously: UNSHAVEN #6 - UNSHAVEN #5 - UNSHAVEN #4 - UNSHAVEN #3 - UNSHAVEN #2 - UNSHAVEN #1

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy" Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way" replied Chas "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days" he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent".

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

"But Chas, I will tell you something else" said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand". Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder" he laughed. "That's my old one!"

ORSM VIDEO


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A left wing Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured by ISIS and were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The Politician asked to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying here.

The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.

The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.

This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.

"Because" said the Trooper "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack!"

GIRLS - WHEN YOU HAVE FANTASTIC BOOBS... GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS OUT!!

GET EM OUT 13

GIRLS GETTING THEM OUT previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

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ORSM VIDEO: LUXURY CAR EDITION

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER HEAR A WOMEN SAY

"You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me".
"I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!"
"This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gangbang".
"Don't get up, I like sleeping in the wet spot".
"Don't dirty up your t-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse".
"That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?"
"I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy".
"You're my daddy, you're my daddy!"
"The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for on Friday".
"Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!"
"While you were in the bathroom, Eagles kicked another goal. You're tipping is looking good this week!"
"Bar food again!? Kick ass!"
"I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class".
"That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her".
"I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more".
"I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!"
"Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore".
"I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?"
"It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers".
"Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!"
"I hate spending money on stupid shit we don't need".
"My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends".
"I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again".
"Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch".
"You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!"
"You are so much smarter than my dad".
"If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter".
"I'll swallow it all. I love the taste".
"What do you mean today's our anniversary?"
"Are you sure you've had enough to drink?"
"Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV".
"I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you".
"Ohh, this diamond is way too big!"
"Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?"
"... and for our honeymoon we're going on a fishing trip!"
"You're so sexy when you're hungover".
"Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'".
"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
"Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there".
"Let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses".
"Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here".
"I'll be outside mowing the lawn".
"I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress".
"I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too".
"Honey, the neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again - come see!"
"I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
"You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings".
"Man... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news". God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied "Please give me the good news first".

Smiling, God explained "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children".

Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".

LOVE A GIRL WHO LOVES A BEER

LOVE A GIRL WHO LOVES A BEER

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" Then I said "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old". He replied "You must have been quite a strong boy".

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex". He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand" I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV". He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married". The Judge said "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex".

My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely". and the doctor said "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 05 11

OLDER SHITE: 4th May - 27th April - 20th April - 13th April - 6th April - 30th March - 23rd March - 16th March

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A little retarded boy was walking home past the high school one day when he notices a lone car in the middle of the football field. Curious, he goes up to the car and sees a guy and a girl having sex inside. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off, flew out the window and landed on the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch.

Soon enough, the guy notices his condom is missing. He then sees the little retarded boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.

He says to the little boy "Hey, gimme that damn thing back!" The little boy replies "No, its my Twinkie!" The high schooler persists "Give it back now or I'll kick your ass!" The little retard replies "No, it's MY Twinkie!"

Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says "Look kid, if you give it back I'll give you $20 okay?" Quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could.

He flings open the door and his mother is there to greet him. He was so excited about what had happened that he yelled at the top of his lungs "Mummy, mummy! Some guy gave me $20 for a Twinkie, even though I sucked out all the cream filling!"

YOU GOT TO SHAVE BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN A DRESS LIKE THAT!

TIGHT DRESSES 02

Previously on Orsm: TIGHT DRESSES #1

There are three young boys walking on a beach. They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini. Two of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.

The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now she is topless. Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.

The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again but now she is completely naked! Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.

The two friends catch up to the last guy and ask him "Why are you running away from such a beautiful sight?" He says "My mother told me when I was a little boy that if a man saw a naked woman, he would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something getting hard". 

BLONDE SCHOOLGIRL GETS BANGED HARD

ELLEN

PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: JUSTINE - IZZY - BLAIR - RICCA - HANNA - KRISTA - KARINA - STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE

ORSM VIDEO


Annnnnnnnnd D-O-N-E. You probably have some questions. Here are the answers...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the архиви.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Or not. Feel free to circle back to last weeks update for more info on this... OR wait till next week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush your spirit and body. How? Why? Rememeber this before you go and make a mistake - Ray's is so fat that his body generates enough heat energy to recharge dozens of iPhones.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my balls. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2017.05.04-18.46
Boobies

Welcome to yippee ki-yay, mate.

Kind of nonstop in front of the computer this week. Have been smashing it as hard as possible to get a couple of updates moving in the right direction so I can take some time off when the new little poop machine emerges. Which reminds me... there's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it - there'll be a week with NO UPDATE coming soon. Sad emoji's all round and I'm sorry about that but you guys'll just have to suck it up. Hopefully none of you will die. I'm pretty fucking anal about not skipping 'em ever but am okay with 'creation of life' as an excuse.

Haven't much felt the need to leave the house lately. When I did though it was for a lung function test I've been eagerly looking forward to. Made it Tuesday 9am so I would be first cab off the rank. You can imagine my annoyance when half an hour later I was still sitting in the waiting room. Not much you can do except vent with "These idiots are useless. How bloody hard is it to be on time?!" messages to the GF. The nurse eventually called me in looking frazzled. Then she phoned the doctor to ask what test had to be done. Then sat me down and explained how to blow into the machine. It was about then another nurse came busting in saying something about the woman in the lunchroom. Seconds later a woman, presumably the one from the lunchroom, came through the door barely holding herself up, coughing, spluttering and unable to catch her breath. Very clearly NOT in a good way. I grabbed my stuff and got the hell out to the sounds of vomiting behind me. The nurse came to the waiting room a few minutes later saying the woman had come in as an emergency [which is why the delay] and that an ambulance was on the way. Obviously she needed care far more urgently so made another appointment and left.

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Monday had been a mentally draining day. Had worked late and not gotten to sleep until almost midnight. Then for whatever reason the terrible two year-old woke up a couple of hours later. Long story short, I was already wrecked, had been at work since 3am and just wanted the fucking test done so they could confirm what's wrong with my fucking breathing. Have to admit feeling quite a bit cunty after finding about the woman. I'm all like wahhh wahhh I'm tired and have stuff to do when she was, by all appearances, on her way to dying. There's a bunch of staff at the clinic who could've quietly mentioned there was an emergency but hard not to take it as a lesson in humility.

Moving on. Fyre Festival. Most of us read about this fuckfest in the Bahamas. Fyre was supposed to be ultra-exclusive, tickets were ultra-expensive plus a whole bunch of other ultra-adjectives so as to indicate this was a festival targeted at privileged millennials. Then the whole thing collapsed. Or didn't happen is a better way to put it. People arrived to the island to find no infrastructure, no music, no food, no phone chargers, no anything. #omfg. They were understandably pissed and took to social media. Ultimately it became probably a much bigger deal than if it had gone ahead.

A few days ago an Aussie girl got busted trying to board a flight with almost 6 kilograms of Colombia's finest in her suitcase. At best, her story sounds like utter bullshit. There is no way she is innocent; she's definitely going to jail.

Reading the comments on Facebook and news websites on both events was eye-opening. People don't hold back anymore. Like at all. So much 'suck shit' that a few thousand entitled millennials got stranded on an island. So much looking down our noses at a dumb, blonde 22 year-old. Is it just me or is it kind of disturbing? Hardly a skerrick of sympathy. People are just so happy to see stupid people fuck up and/or suffer. As if they've never lost something or been denied something they were hanging out for. As if they've never done drugs. As much as I hate the word [and people think they're smart using it], schadenfreude is the only thing you can call it. Another word to use here could be karma. By putting all the hate out there you're probably inviting it back. Which makes me wonder if what happened to Fyre attendees and the drug mule chick was a result of them saying mean shit about stuff online...

Grab some rubber gloves, lotion, a box of tissues and put down some drop sheets because this update is about to get sticky. Guaranteed awesomeness. Check it...

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This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth". The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair".
--
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
--
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private" the officer said "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses". "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
--
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says "What's that?" She says "It's me lower mouth". He says "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'" She says "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..." He asks "Has it got a tongue in it?" She says "Not yet..."

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Paddy and Murphy are on a desert island, been there for almost 2 weeks. Not a scrap of food around, and both are near death from the hunger. So, after much exploration, they find a cave with a big locked door and a thick glass window. Through the window they see years' worth of food and supplies waiting for them. Unfortunately they cannot open the door, which makes them break down in despair.

At that point, a smelly witch appears from nowhere with a loud pop.

"Well isn't this nice" says the witch. "I've got men begging at my door... and I'm as horny as a mule".

Paddy and Murphy took one look at the witch and both shuddered.

The witch continued "If you of you two fine looking men will take the pleasure of 'doing me' I will unlock this door and you can eat to your hearts content".

The guys look at each other, and decide that it's better than starving to death. Both are not okay with being the man who will fuck her however, as her smell is vile in an extremely messed up kind of way. After drawing the short straw, Murphy has got the task of doing her.

The witch, with a wicked glint in her squinty eye, leads him away from the door around a large bush.
The witch turns away, giggles "Oh you better be good!" and leans forward. As she does this, she drops her stinking knickers, which are covered with a strange yellow lumpy goo, which is dripping from her unwashed nether regions. Murphy reels backwards, and thinks that there is no way on God's Green Earth that his cock was placed on this island to enter that crawling acid pit of a minge.

'Hang about' thinks Murphy 'she's facing away from me, what if I use something else?' He spies a small branch from the nearby bush, and quietly snaps it off. He then carefully pushes it up, deep into her cavernous vagina. The witch immediately starts moaning.

After 2 minutes of this, the witch totally oblivious that she's being frigged by a stick, is loving it and goes to get up. Quickly, Murphy pulls the stick out, which is absolutely covered in thick lumpy yellow puss, and chucks it over the bush.

"Ohh that was nice" says the witch "but I wanted it better. You've gotta go harder than that if you want that food!" With that, the witch bends back over. Murphy goes back to the bush, and snaps off a thicker branch, then quickly rams it up her stanky box.

After 3 minutes of ramming it up her yellow puss-pipe and her moaning in pleasure, she goes to get back up again. Murphy, as quick as ever, pulls the branch out, covered in yellow puss lumps, and chucks it over the bush. The witch stands up, albeit shakily and says "That was almost there, but I'm after that bit of ommmph before you eat". She again leans forward expectantly.

'Right. Fuck this' thinks Murphy and pulls out the biggest branch from the bush, 4 inch diameter, and charges it up her infested yellow hole. After 4 minutes of ramming, and the witch singing in ecstasy, she collapses on the floor in a heap. He pulls the branch out, which is dripping disgustingly, and throws it over the bush. The witch gets up rather dizzily, and drops a key in his hand. "Cheers pet" and with that, she was gone.

Murphy runs around to the locked door, where Paddy is sitting.

"Paddy, Paddy, I got the key, we can eat, we're saved!" "Fuck the food locker" says Paddy "I want more of that corn on the cob that you've been throwing over".

VAGINA SLIPS: 39 GIRLS UNAWARE THEY'RE HANGING FLAP

VAGINA SLIP 08

Girls delivering VAGINA SLIPS previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear "I want to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies". The woman points across the bar and says "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".

The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman "I want to take off your pants and lick your ass". Again, the woman says "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you".

The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy full of whiskey, and drink you dry". In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!"

The boyfriend stands up and says "I'LL KILL HIM!"

The woman goes on "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my ass!"

The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pussy with whiskey and drink me dry!"

Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"

The boyfriend replies "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey... I'm not going to fuck with!"

ORSM VIDEO


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A black guy goes on a skiing holiday, gets to his hotel and sees a sign outside: "WHITE PEOPLE $50, BLACK PEOPLE $50"

So he thinks "Ah, that's good, equality and all that".

He later books in and goes to a restaurant for his dinner. Upon arriving he sees another sign outside: "WHITE PEOPLE $10, BLACK PEOPLE $10"

he's thinking how nice it is that everyone's equal here, has a great meal and goes back to his hotel to sleep.

The next day goes for a ski, and again he sees a sign: "WHITE PEOPLE $20, BLACK PEOPLE $1"

Again he's happy that there's no racism here, there's even positive discrimination. He pays his $1 and is taken to a separate ski slope.

He's having a great time when he spots a big jump and heads straight for it. As he does, in the distance, he hears: "PULL!"

CREEPING ON BEACH SHOWERS IS JUST WHAT WE ALL WANT TO SEE

BEACH SHOWER 04

Previously on Orsm: BEACH SHOWER #3 - BEACH SHOWER #2 - BEACH SHOWER #1

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ORSM VIDEO

HOW TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH WOMEN IN THE MODERN WORLD

 

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT

She is not a BAD COOK she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED

She is not CONCEITED she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES

She does not GAIN WEIGHT she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She does not TEASE or FLIRT she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION

She is not DUMB she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She is not TOO SKINNY she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT

She has not BEEN AROUND she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE

She does not GO SHOPPING she is MALL FLUENT

She is not an AIR HEAD she is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY

She is not COLD or FRIGID she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION

She does not NAG YOU she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She does not want to be MARRIED she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION

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ORSM VIDEO: THE WHEN KARMA STRIKES EDITION

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

One day all the children at school are told they're going to give a talk about what their fathers do, and to make their talks more interesting they should come in dressed, if possible, like their fathers. Now, it happens that one little boy's father is a welder so the little boy comes to school wearing a welding mask.

Unfortunately, he can't see very well with the mask. As he comes out of the house, he bumps into a lamp-post. He bumps into a parked car in the street. He's late for school and he bumps into the school gates, and going into the school he bumps into the wall. In fact, he spends the whole day bumping into things and he's glad when four o'clock comes and it's time to go home.

Anyway, he bumps into the classroom door on the way out and he bumps into the teachers and he bumps into the school gates a second time. And now he's running for the school bus but he bumps into a bus-stop and misses the bus so now he's got to walk home. So he's walking along the pavement bumping into things when suddenly a Mercedes pulls up and a man leans out of the window and says in a slimy voice (as I can't write in one) "Little boy! Little boy! Would you like me to give you a lift home?" Now, the little boy has been told lots of times that he shouldn't accept lifts from strangers but he's tired and he's fed up with bumping into things so he says yes and gets into the car. The door closes and they drive off together.

The two of them drive on for a while, and then the man leans over and he says: "Little boy" he says. "Do you know anything about homosexuality?"

The little boy shakes his head.

They drive on a bit more. Then the driver leans over a second time. "Little boy" he says. "Do you know anything about paedophilia?"

Once again, the little boy shakes his head.

And the driver leans over once again. "So tell me, little boy" he says "Do you know anything about buggery?"

And the little boy says "No. Actually, I think I should tell you. I'm not really a welder".

FISHNETS... THEY'RE A WONDERFUL THING...!!

FISHNETS 02

Previously on Orsm: FISHNETS #1

It had been two years since graduation and this engineer still had not found a job... so he decides to open a clinic. Outside he hangs a sign which reads:

"Any treatment for $100. If we can't cure you, WE GIVE YOU $1000!"

A CLEVER doctor decides to fool the engineer and make an easy $1000. The doctor goes to see the engineer...

Doctor: "I have lost the ability to taste".

The engineer asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on the patients tongue.

Doctor: "What the fuck!? It's URINE!!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! Your sense of taste is back now".

The doctor was not impressed but he obviously could not argue.

Two weeks later he makes another appointment and visits again. This time with a foolproof disease.

Doctor: "I've lost my memory".
Engineer: "Nurse, please put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on his tongue".
Doctor: "Engineer! Not this time, that medicine is to cure sense of taste!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! Your memory is back".

Moral: don't mess with engineers!

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 05 04

OLDER SHITE: 27th April - 20th April - 13th April - 6th April - 30th March - 23rd March - 16th March - 9th March

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.

One day, they heard "Yellow, blue, black". One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke "Black, black, black". Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!

One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird". Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke "Straight, straight, curly!"

i DON'T SUPPORT COVERING THEM UP [BUT I'M STILL GOING TO LOOK]

PASTIES 02

Previously on Orsm: PASTIES #1

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?"

Or... "Are we ready for a bath?" Or ... "Are we hungry?"

I'd had enough of this particular nurse.

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today".

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

TELL ME YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO GET IN TO JUSTINE...

JUSTINE

PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: IZZY - BLAIR - RICCA - HANNA - KRISTA - KARINA - STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE

ORSM VIDEO


Well... COCCCKKKKKK!

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives because if nothing else. its the right thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably... [see above!]
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat you. He'll eat just about anything. Don't believe me? Well know this then - Ray is so fat that his signature is just a blot of bacon grease.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't listen to people who tell you what to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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