Welcome to Orsm.net. Leslie? Uh... oh, right. I wasn't listening, sorry...

I've had one of those obscure weeks where it seems practically everyone wants to talk to me. Family, friends, acquaintances, associates, cohorts, unmentionables and even unlikeables all seem to have called or emailed or sms'd or got me on chat. I'm not complaining but there's a very good chance I am too popular...

What I will gladly complain about once again is my car. "More problems, Orsm?" I hear you say. My answer "Of course!". As usual it's not just one single thing... this time the CD player has completely ceased operation and to add insult to injury the damn drivers door lock [for whatever reason] doesn't come up all the way when you hit the remote button which means you have to reach in from the back door to open it.

So I jumped on the phone to my local friendly service centre who politely informs me that it would be cheaper to go to a car stereo shop and get them to install a new one. "Hold up a second, mate!" I say... "you guys have replaced this for me after it failed once before!" "Oh. When was that?".

Obviously with the dozens of times I've had my car there I have lost track so he checks my history on their computers and it turns out that it's JUST within the two year warranty period. Halle-fucking-lujah! I'm shocked that something is actually covered under warranty but I'd be deluding myself if I thought this was nearly resolved. This is going to cost me at least another two days with out my car. The first day will be to take it there so they can analyse it for themselves and verify it really doesn't work and the second day [probably a number of weeks later] will be so I they can install the new one after it arrives from where ever. I swear to god it never ends...

Last weekend... all I can say is that it was too short. It's the first one in what feels like forever that I didn't spend doing stuff around the house and I needed it big time.

Saturday I hit the shops to do groceries. It turns out there's only so long you can handle having absolutely no food in the house. After that it was home to wash the car then get dressed and ready for the boozy nite ahead which unfortunately didn't happen...

The first thing planned was to attend my cousin's birthday party for a couple of hours then head into the city and begin drinking. Anyway one thing led to another and when we were finally about to leave there ended up being what I'll call an 'altercation' between my brother and a mouthy little twerp who deserved the ass-whooping he got. This ended up putting a damper on the nite so the boozy thing never happened but to cut this long story short the moral of this tale is some chicks can be manipulative little bitches.

Sunday was another 'friends' day that was kicked off at about 11am with an hour long line-up for a Dim Sum lunch. There's not a hell of a lot to say about it except I experienced the nicest thing I have ever tasted in all of my years - Soft Shell Crab. Don't ask me what they do to make it so special because I'm pretty sure we're just talking chunks of crab flesh deep fried in some sort of batter but it was one of those things that melts in your mouth... it was so good in fact that a few hundred thousand of you guys are going to read about it over the next week...

After that it was home for a few hours to relax then off to friends place for a BBQ and a few beers. All up it was a good weekend with perfect weather and it's a shame they can't all be like that!

This coming weekend... I think my long wait for the dude with the bobcat [excavator] is finally going to end so I will most likely be outside helping him dig the tree out. In other words my temporarily halted garage project can continue. Whether or not it will be finished before Christmas remains to be seen but I'd much rather spend my summer at the beach or basking in mans greatest invention [air-conditioning] than working around the house.

Before I get on with the update... I dribbled on a few weeks ago about the Kookaburras that kept dropping by for a free feed. One of them returned a few days ago so I snapped a pic which you can find here. Anyway, lets get on with it...

By far one of the coolest sites I have come across in a VERY long time is Guba.com. Stupid name [almost as bad as 'Orsm'!] but trust me when I tell you this will knock your socks off! At Guba you'll find tens of thousands of pics and videos from all over the net on anything you can think of and they update daily. It truly has to be seen to be believed! So stop listening to me crap on and click here to check it out now!!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Ever felt pressured to perform in front of a crowd? I bet this lucky fellow can relate as he performs his special one-man show starring just himself and a whole group of horny naked female costars.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

All Class - Cheap Shot - Insane Shootout - Death To Emo - Wet Moments - Porno Galore - Road Rage - Fruit Cake

Wild Rave Porn - Hot Girl Band - Can't Touch Me - Puzzling Puzzle - Bird Day - Delicous Daisy - Atrocious Idols

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing their life options in the event of one of them becoming mentally incapacitate, and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
--
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax, and when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess?!"

ABSOLUTELY STUNNING Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny - Jenny

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

ORSM VIDEO I've had a few requests over the last month or so to post a clip of this guy and if you ask me it's got to be one of the funniest things on Australian TV. It's a send up of Australia's most notorious criminal - Mark 'Chopper' Read and done brilliantly by Heath from the 3rd Degree. Check it... - Fuckin' Chopper "What's The Fuckin' Weather Like" Fuckin' Reid -

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No... But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

THE ORSMNET PRIVATE YATCH [I WISH]... Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence - Oppulence

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Ever hear that saying 'be careful what you wish for'? It's true! Once again my email inbox has been overflowing with emails from every corner of the globe and I have you guys to thank!

If you'd like to send something my way for the site then we especially love seeing naked pics of your ex, jokes so funny it makes baby Jesus cry, videos so disturbing Hitler wouldn't watch them, anything car related and pictures from anywhere and everywhere. All you've gotta do is click right here!

JRob wrote: Subject: Guatemalan SpongeBob This pic is really funny, a little cruel because of the poor homeless bastard who appears in it... but who cares! Sometims you gotta be cruel to be kind... -Orsm

Leigh wrote: Subject: Not all cocaine addicts are beautiful Orsm, This is on a full size billboard near my house in inner city Melbourne. Brought a smile to my face. Cheers mate

VirginiaG wrote: Subject: Illusion.....!!! If you watch the below images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr.Angry is on the left, and Mrs. Calm is on the right. Get up from your seat, and move back 12 feet, and PRESTO!! they switch places!! I believe this illusion was created by Phillippe G.Schyns and Aude Oliva of the Univ. of Glasgow. This proves that we may not be seeing what's actually there, all the time!!

Justo wrote: Subject: ORSM!!! Hey, I just want to say that your site is one of the best on the net. I realise that that is a fairly wild claim, as there is almost an infinite number of websites. But, of the sites I've seen, I'd rate yours at the top. Where do you find all this shit? Is it sent in to you or are you up 24/7 with matchsticks in your eyelids? Keep up the ORSM work mate. Good to see an Aussie site for a change. PS. I reckon you could use some pics of a West Aussie bitch.

chrisjprice wrote: Subject: taking a piss Hi Orsm, Can you post this pic of me and my mate Dan taking a piss. Cheers for that! -Orsm

Nik wrote: Subject: reader mail picture Dear ORSM. I noticed a picture of a kid getting teabagged on the last update. Just thought I would upload something along the same lines. This is a buddy of ours teadropping a kid. It was an all night party with all the beer you can drink. Needless to say, this kid passed out first. Your site rocks. Please leave out my email address, I dont need more requests for pictures of hairy balls. Thanks!

John Mills wrote: Subject: Nightmare at Halloween 05 Hey man, First of all I have to thank you for supplying me with my weekly dose of humour and worldly blogg. Just thought I'd send this picture in of a mate at a halloween party. Clearly Wonder woman has let herself go quite abit since them jumping about days...

jtropes wrote: Subject: Transparent Monitor Dear Orsm, Love the site. On it every day. Check out the transparent apple monitor. Pretty easy to do.

HornyWifeJ and mastrb wrote: Subject: Inspired... Inspired by your postings this week of cheeseburgers, here's my wife's. Love showin' her off. Keep up the good work!

Schweatyballz wrote: Subject: Hey Mr Orsm pics of hotties down under you will certainly appreciate The Cheeky Chef, a former roomate of mine and a regular on your site, has made me a fan since way back. Love the site, in fact, while many people are at working think thank god its Friday... at my office most of us can't wait till THURSDAY for the orsm update! I was the unfortunate individual whos pic were posted on ORSM when I got my surgery in the nether regions a year ago. Thats right, when my "turtle neck" was removed, thanks for posting the nasty evidence Cheeky. Anyhow, a buddy of mine was in Austalia some time ago and sent us back some of these goodies clubbing in the land down under Enjoy!

<with held> wrote: Subject: another ford out of control How to become the town smacktard in one easy step... Having lunch at the lady's place on Saturday arvo when I could hear the sound of a V8 engine pulling circle work and burnout smoke started pouring into the house. Quickly I grabbed the camera and ran for the front door. As I got out the front I heard a loud crack! Followed by a massive BANG! like a shotgun. Then along with the smell of burnout smoke I could also smell cooking engine parts... The background is the guy up the road had left his XR8 ute in the care of his "mate" who had been "testing" the capabilities of the beast for the past week or two. Most of the locals had been pretty pissed at him for the disturbances of speeding and burnouts in the suburban streets. On this day he was going crazy with laying rubber out the front. From what I can gather he overheated the engine, then munted the gearbox (pieces all over the road) but kept the boot in so over-revved the engine and destroyed that also. When smoke started pouring out the bonnet he must have panicked and tried to pull off the road and ended up into a tree. He's the young guy in the white shirt... Unfortunately I missed out of getting any action shots but here's what I caught on camera.

Marcel wrote: Subject: Famous model manager from Guayaquil - Ecuador Hi again, this one is Cecilia Niemes, a model manager, former model, that never wanted to pose naked on any magazine, because it was not moral ! hehe. She left her computer to a friend to have it repaired and obviously, he searched all of her files and found the jackpot! This web site is awesome, I've been fan for a looong time!!

David wrote: Subject: Makeover Hey Orsm Esq. Been loving your site for a while - Thought I'd shoot you a picture of my car. I couldn't afford to paint it originally so my girlfriends dad painted it matt black one Sat arvo over a BBQ and a few beers - $40,000 car with a 30 buck paint job. Anyway some old turd with a hat in shitbox ran into me and busted the front off it - the pictures don't show it but it snapped both sides - his fault so that paid for half the paint job !! Thanks old turd ! Weirdly I kinda liked the matt black better, but the painter wouldn't do it - he said "only Statesmans are matt black knackers". I blew the gearbox in it about 8 months ago, and can't afford a new one, (The Flapjack that built it ripped me off - they put some pissant 4 cylinder box in it). So if there's anyone out there in Melbourne who has more money than they know what to do with, I'd be happy to do some promotional work for a donation toward a new box. No harm in asking !!

Ron-E-Dog wrote: Subject: Site is awesome... Your site is awesome. I've been reading it for a year now and have told my friends to check the site out too. Hopefully, my friends and I will have something personal on your site now... Please find attached some photos...

Craig wrote: Subject: Pic from the 4wd show 1 of the businesses was setting up their stand at the 4WD show, and I got a vid, and a couple of pics

Anthony wrote: Subject: The greatest sound in the world... Need Sound.......... Unbelievable. gold. What... did we win something? -Orsm

bananadong wrote: Subject: Wtr.: my shit for your great site... greetinx from europe Wrong. -Orsm

Paulmccann wrote: Subject: please show this song on your site. You's might have heard this song echoing about in windsor park, belfast a few months back. When we beat those english scum bags. How embarrassing for the POM's, getting beat at their "own game" by lowly Northern Ireland. It is sung here by legendary N. Ireland commentator Jackie Fullerton, and i must admit, hes nearly as bad at singing as he is at commentating.

Greg wrote: Subject: You have to listen to this!!!!!! Don't you just love xmas carols...... Ear phones are recommended if your in an open office. Unless they are a really open office! Tiz the season... -Orsm

Noodles wrote: Subject: Advanced Garbology Hey Mr Orsm, I found a great video of some tool copping some sweet street justice from a Japanese garbo. A lot of foreigners over here reckon they can get away with anything because the Japanese don't retaliate but this garbo certainly does. Keep up the good work on your site and don't piss off any garbos. Enjoy the warm weather back in Perth too cos it's getting farking cold over here in Japan. That little fag deserved it. Full of piss and bad manners is no excuse. -Orsm

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce... here's the fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing - Girls Kissing

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good- looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

ORSM VIDEO

The X Factor

Insane Robbery

Magic Life Savers

Pec Control

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

FOLLOW THE RULES AND WE'LL ALL GET ALONG!

NEW RULE: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

NEW RULE: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

NEW RULE:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

NEW RULE: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

NEW RULE: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

NEW RULE: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

NEW RULE: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

THE WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!

RANDOM SHITE I've felt so guilty lately for letting so many obscenities creep in to RS so I've decided to be a good little boy this week and keep it clean and completely safe.. safe enough to even show your dear old granny... or am I just so full of shit I'm about to pop? You decide! Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. "Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!" "What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"TERRIBLE? What was so terrible about it?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

THE BIG CHILL Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze - Freeze

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Victorian Bitter. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of VB you are...!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Mission Impossible

Quagmire

Serves Him Right

Kart Vs Corvette

That's a wrap people. I'm all done and if you're reading this it means you made it all the way to the bottom. For me this is usually a good sign that I'm doing something right but so if you'd like to return the favour for the love of god get on the phone or start emailing people about this absolutely fucking fantabulous site you just found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Very good but brick not hit back...

So how the hell is everyone this week? I guess depending where you live you're most likely complaining about the onset of cooler weather or rejoicing about the arrival of warmer days. For me it's the latter. This past winter didn't seem that long but I'm sure it was one of the colder ones we've had for a while. It was definitely one of the wetter ones. I'm making the most of it right now because it wont be long before those magical words are uttered... "It's too fucking hot!".

I don't quite know what's wrong with me lately but I've found myself in another one of my ultra-motivated moods and as such have managed to be extremely productive. After more consecutive Saturdays and Sundays than I care to remember I have finally caught up with the never ending cycle of plant growth around this place. I realised that to reduce the attention it requires the best thing to do was dig out a crap load of plants... and that I did.

I filled four 300 litre garden bags with these stupid leefy things from around the front of the house which had the surprising result of making the roses bushes suddenly bloom like crazy. According to the old guy from next door the roses weren't growing because those other things were stealing the nutrients out of the soil, effectively starving them. The coolest part is I think he is actually a bit jealous that mine look better than his so I made sure I told him that I hadn't even fertilised them yet. Next thing you know I'll be competing for top prize at the county fair against mean old Mrs. Peabody...

I admit I probably sound like a boring old man talking about gardening and the like but as I have said before it's a good way to get off the computer, out into the sun and just zone out from the rest of the world for a while. In other words - kiss my ass if you think enjoying gardening makes me gay.

Aside from that I finally got to swing a sledge hammer and knock an outside wall down. Was a lot of fun but I soon realised that it was much easier just using a gimpy [small sledge hammer] due to how much extra mess you don't make.

Now that I think about it the last few weeks have been pretty crazy. It's to be expected this time of year but I am just so used to spending my Novembers dealing with some sort of mini-catastrophe that it doesn't feel right. Oh dear god please don't tell me I'm becoming one of those people who isn't happy unless something is wrong...

Moving on... it's been a very long time coming but I am now the proud owner of a digital camera. Okay so not that big a deal right? Thousands of people buy digital cameras every day and they are one of the biggest selling consumer toys out there however I aren't like most people and find the only way to buy something is to procrastinate on it for as long as is humanly possible then change my mind at the last second.

Year 10 high school [the year they finally let you do elective subjects] I enrolled in photography. Basically all we did was run around with shitty old Pentax SLR's snapping black and white pics of nothing in particular but ever since then I have always had an interest and wanted my own cam. Of course me being me I wouldn't settle for an el cheapo no name brand - if it's not the latest and greatest [read: most expensive/better than everyone else's] then there's no point. Yep I'm a poser...

Anyway it eventually occurred to me that despite the fact I wanted a brand new 'pro-sumer' toy with all the flashy add-ons and big lenses etc there was just no point. Firstly can anyone say overkill? All I really want to do is take pics of family and friends and around the house. Secondly I've held off this long because I could never afford to spend thousands of dollars buying one.

With this in mind the smart thing would be to get a small camera... which is exactly what I did! Thinking back now if I had only realised this years ago I would have had a camera all those millions of times I wanted to catch a pic of a mate in a compromising position, some spastic in his clapped out old car with 3 foot rear spoiler or chick with really big hooters. Live and learn huh?

Before I get on with it I just want to say congratulations to the Socceroos. I have practically no interest in Soccer but its good to see Australia finally field a competitive team! Now for the World Cup...

There's every chance that by this stage of the update you are already bored to death of my crap and looking for a change. Enter Another Site. You'll be blessed with regular updates, tonnes of new shit you won't have seen on a million other sites before plus if you like to get interactive the forums are some of the busiest anywhere online. So whaddya waiting for - it's more then Another Site... it's a whole new internet!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I was traumatized and emasculated by all those wedgies I got back in junior high gym class. Tried therapy, but found that checking out chicks with camel toe was far more cathartic and firmed up my manhood quite nicely.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Cannot Be For Real? - Live TV Puke - Paris' Prang - Wild Party Whores - Chubby Boogie - Hard Sex Blog - Wild Chase

Asshole Bleeching - Topless Beach - Bikini Models - Terri Summers - Nude-robics - Pole Dancer - Porn Galore

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

It is likely that the AFL competition for 2006 will have to be cancelled. Under the new Anti Terrorism Laws the Bombers are banned, the new Industrial Relations legislation rules out the Dockers and the Asian flu epidemic is wreaking havoc with the Crows, Eagles, Hawks, Magpies and Swans. Any transfers to the Kangaroos, Cats, Lions, Dogs and Tigers must now be quarantined for at least 12 months. Religious vilification laws mean that no one can legally barrack for the Demons or the Saints. This only leaves the Power and the Blues who no one wants to barrack for anyway.
--
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: high fever; congestion; nausea; fatigue; aching joints; or an irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva - Zaneta & Iva

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
What you're about to read is an epic tale of love lost through one or possibly several acts of mindless stupidity. This true story begins with an apologetic email from Her to Him...

Dearest Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.

I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry. Elizabeth.

So after reading through that you're probably thinking whatever she did can't have been THAT bad and the guy should stop being such a righteous prick and take her back... right? Maybe not... check out his reply...

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh0res I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Bl0wing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p0rn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never, Brad.

CRAZY COMMUTING Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars - Cool Cars

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

ORSM VIDEO Ask just about any guy and he will have a different answer on what the most important physical feature is on a girl. Some say deep sparkling eyes, or a perfectly rounded ass, a gorgeous smile, maybe even legs up to heaven... and then there's guys like me who just want to see an awesome rack. Bigger isn't always better but it definitely doesn't hurt... until you see this chick. Check it... - Mega Monster Huge Boobies -

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A guy was working in his garden over the weekend and looking around, he realised that he couldn't find the rake. He looked up at the bedroom window and saw his wife was about to take a shower.

He yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?!!" She couldn't hear him, so she shouted back, "What?!!" He pointed to his eye, then to his knee and made a raking motion. When his wife wasn't sure, she called out "WHAT???!!!" He repeated the gestures, "Eye - Kneed - the Rake"

His wife signalled with a thumbs-up that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, then to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that???" She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - the Bush"!!!

Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing - Landing

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
The thing about Reader Mail is that there are always far more exclusions than inclusions. This sucks because there is so much cool shit that gets sent in by you guys it honestly pains me trying to decide what ends up on the main page.

That being said, I don't know what I would do with myself if you guys stopped flooding my inbox with all the squillions of cool pics, the tonnes of amazing videos and plethora of hilarious jokes but there's a good chance it would involve a bottle of pills and a big bottle of alcohol. Anyway if you'd like to contribute to this section and become the envy of your peers all you gotta do is click here!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pack of dogs kill gator in Florida - open with care Nature is cruel but there is also a beauty in that cruelty. The alligator one of the ultimate predators can fall victim to the kind of implemented 'teamwork' strategy which is possible due to the pack mentality and social structure of canines. See the attached and remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine - but not if you're squeamish!

<with held> wrote: Subject: 3 balls here is a pic of my mate who has 3 balls. Had it since birth but only when he reached pubery did it 'flourish'. He love to use it as a party trick!

TorForSale wrote: Subject: maybe for RS never work on the cottage drunk.... Absolute fucking classic. -Orsm

LL wrote: Subject: Engrish VEGETABLES Thought this would be good for a laugh. Pic taken in a supermarket in china. Maybe they're kinkier than we thought. Surely this can't be for real? -Orsm

SmokeRings wrote: Subject: Hey Orsm In wake of the Hurrican Rita there has been a large # of fly by night "constuction" companies pop up. I seen this on the side of the road and had to send it. I know for sure the SE Texans will love this one. Hey and dude dont post my email or anything just in case Bubba and his brothers get a little pissed. Larry would be so proud.

Pricey wrote: Subject: Anyone for some tea? Orsm, Nothing like placing your scotum on your passed out friend's forehead (aka teabagging).... although halfway through my brother's mate was waking up. Keep up the good work. This is why I stick to coffee... -Orsm

Rob Diffey wrote: Subject: humorous pic hey orsm, check out this parking job i found whilst walking up the street the other day. hehe Cheers How the hell does someone manage to do that? -Orsm

jarrod baker wrote: Subject: hi orsm thoguht you might like this pic. got emailed to me by a mate. its taken out side of kk [Krispy Kreme] in penrith nsw What's that cliché about cops and donuts? -Orsm

Benji wrote: Subject: My sister inlaw looks like a dik Mr Orsm, Great site, been visiting for quite a while now, it good to see such quality work coming locally. Anyway, that's enough arse kissing. This is a photo of my sister inlaw I took from behind when I was trying to get a snap of her cleavage. People when first seeing the photo were fairly certain that I had my dick out when I took it, including her ( I actually got harsh words before she realised she was a dik). However it is actually her neck and chin, thus, my sister inlaw looks like a dik.

<with held> wrote: Subject: MYASS I have seen this photo and I mentioned it on radio one time. I very delicately described how the "M" of McDonald's ran into the "yass" sign. The interviewer left me dumbfounded when he very pointedly commented on the second part of the sign saying "opened at 6:00am".

Jonas wrote: Subject: roadsign Hey orsm. My mate came across this roadsign in France. Any clue as to how it should be interpreted? It was in the last message I got from him, a fortnight ago. Perhaps he shouldn't have turned down that road? Keep diggin doing the dirty.

Philip wrote: Subject: Yesterday morning in Auckland. Bugger, eh? It was a woman driving, too, apparently and she'd only had the car 10 days. I can't figure out what she did - it's a quite little suburban street, there's no way you'd want to try and speed down it at 7:45 in the morning! Oh this gets worse - it was for SALE!!!! :-D

Pricey wrote: Subject: Beware of Ex's Hey Orsm, Seems a woman scorned...... is a psycho bitch! Cheers mate

Samuel wrote: Subject: more effigy sup orsm. i know you posted some of pics of this thing a few weeks back but here are some build pics of it. sick ride eh?. Such a beautiful car. -Orsm

Jansen wrote: Subject: South Africa Good Day, Mr. ORSM. Please post this on your site, the South Africans surfing your site will have a ball. Thanks This file requires Microsoft PowerPoint. You can get the viewer here for free. -Orsm

Richard B wrote: Subject: star wars kid Maybe you've already seen this, maybe not. I nearly fudged myself laughing when I saw it. This has been around for a couple of years but it's still quite funny. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: afl not toughest Its an age old argument in australia who is tougher rugby league or aussie rules and although you did put forward a fair argument with the aussie rules video i must put and argument forward for the rugby league side. But one thing we can all safely agree on is that both codes are tougher than american football.

wholf lolita wrote: Subject: titty video... The wife flashin her 44DD's. They some big boobies! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: found a phone/ intresting video found a phone over the weekend and it contained this vid, the young girl is a bar maid in my town (tamworth uk) please dont display my details Ooops... gotta hate when that happens huh? -Orsm

Aberdeen Angus wrote: Subject: dodge charger attachment this time Hi mate. Look at this dashboard mounted clip of the awesome 1969 Dodge charger. Wonder if it was Bo' and Luke? Keep up the good work and ignore the fuckin moaners

Hizorse wrote: Subject: My friend Travis getting kicked in the nuts Here attached is a video I took with my cell phone of my mate Rick James kicking my other mate Travis K. in the baby maker. This all went about on a bet that Travis K. couldnt go without being a drama queen for one night, and atthed is the end result. Screw you Travis you smelly wanker. Also I'd like to say hi to my friend Asian Dave.

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring a t him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn AROUND!"

RISKY BUSINESS Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer - Snake Charmer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being customer focused, while making her point when confronted by a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin Flight was cancelled after the 767 was withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said
"I have to be on this flight and it has to be now." The attendant replied "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try and help you, but I've got to help these other people first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so everyone in line could hear, "Don't you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the attendant grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please". Her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

Everyone in line laughed hysterically. The man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said "Fuck you, bitch!". Without hesitating, she smiled and said "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"

ORSM VIDEO

Super Cop

Stupidity Reigns

British Fools

Definitely Gay

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach 'Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's 'Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?". "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's 'Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, 'Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

THE WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!

RANDOM SHITE One of the constants in life is that you don't always get what you want... this is where I come in. Some weeks I spoil you guys... some weeks you get a few 'surprises'. If you didn't get it that was your cue to tread carefully with this weeks RS - you just don't know what's coming your way! Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it".

The little girl explained, "Well... Okay... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up. Then the Mummy puts it in her mouth and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies... that's how you get jewellery...!"

Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers - Cheese Burgers

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Double Entendre

Bike Vs Deer

The THX Experience

Bye Bye Hand

Well I hate to have to be the one that breaks it to you all but this update has come to an end. Why? Mainly it's to do with me being tired and requiring sleep but it also has to do with if the update kept going forever you would never get any work done but mostly the sleep thing.

As I write this there is 7 whole days between the next update which means plenty of time to show me some love by telling your family, friends, associates, colleagues and so on about this great site you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay of the chems and make sure you slip, slop and slap! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. I'm sorry but do I know from somewhere?

I'm back on the 'I need a new car' bandwagon again. I swear I don't know what it is with me and cars but for some reason I just don't seem to have any luck with them. If I'm not getting crashed in to by some retard then you can lay money on there being something mechanically 'fucked' with it.

This Christmas marks three years since I have had my baby. I bought it second hand and I've only managed to add 30 thousand kilometres to the clock taking it up to around 90 thousand. Pretty low by most peoples standards but I kid you not it has been back to the dealer for service or repair I would say no less than 30 times now. I've been there so many times I know all the guys that work there by first name. You can see them as I walk in thinking 'here comes that dickhead we sold the lemon to. Easy money'.

Anyway yesterday morning comes along and I get a phone call from the old boy asking me to do a favour for him. So I jump in the car and off I go. A while into my travel I need a drink so I pull into the nearest petrol station to get one. I race in and race out but as I get back to my car an old guy gets my attention and points at the ground in front of it. Fuck. Green coolant EVERYWHERE. I shut the engine off and pop the hood to see the coolant escaping from the bottom hose.

On account of there being an adjoining mechanics I go in to ask the guy for some help. "Hi mate. I just pulled up in the driveway and my car dumped all its coolant. Can you..." is all I get out before he rudely cuts me off with "NUP! I've got 6 cars out there that I need to get done today. I can't help ya!" and carries on until I finally get in a "thanks anyway" and walk off. The moral if this part of the story is the 'technician' at Shell Wembley is a pole smoker.

So I fill up the radiator with water and continue on my journey because it looked like [for whatever reason] the hose had stopped leaking. As you would expect a while later the temperature gauge starts heading north and I need to stop and refill. By the time I get home its making all sorts of noises and I was convinced major shit has gone wrong... again.

First thing this morning it was back to the mechanics. I swear I thought it was finished by the time I pulled up in the car park. The guy even remarked he thought a clapped out diesel truck had pulled up when he heard it. Not exactly what you would call reassuring.

I get inside and leave them with the keys plus a long list of problems including leaking coolant, excessive rattling noise when in gear, annoying low-pitched whistling noise when accelerating and let's not forget the airbag light which came on inexplicably a few days ago.

To cut a long story just a little bit shorter I picked the car up this afternoon. Apparently all that was wrong was the bottom hose had slipped off. They couldn't find any noises so they didn't fix any and for this privilege I was billed $178 in labour which is really great because I have recently come to the realisation I don't particularly like money anyway.

What's even more frustrating is that when I got back home from picking the car up the damn rattling sound had come back. This no doubt means something else is about to majorly fuck up. Can I win? No.

As you would expect the last day has been filled with all sorts of annoying statements from friends and family. They ranged from "I thrash the shit out of my car and have never had a single problem with it" to "my last car did 75 thousand kilometres and I never even had to replace the tyres". Yep... good on you guys. I'm really happy for you all... honestly I am. I've had this thing nigh on three years and I have lost count of how many things have gone wrong.

Okay that's enough blogging for this week. I think it's time to get cranking with this update...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Wanna see some College Sluts get boozed up and banged hard? Visit DailyDrunks.com for the best Coed Sex Parties and Frat House Gangbangs you'll ever see! Visit DailyDrunks.com

I bet this hot 19-year-old babe will be right up your Ali. She's an angel and she's taking us devils with her to paradise via original sin.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Hot Titty Dance - Anal Virgin - I Want Bitty! - Scare Tactics - Touched Up - Split Fuck - Look Out! - Hey Baby

Rate My Body - Dr Phil - Totally Busted - More Amazing Racist - Porn TopList - Rally Skillz - Christina Hotness

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Man goes to the zoo... but when he arrives there is only a dog... it was a shitzu.
--
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."
--
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie - Lenka & Lucie

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he is driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlies room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what the hell are you doing?" To which Ed replies, "Ssssshhhh, I'm shagging Charlies wife while he's in Melbourne".

ORSM VIDEO Most people have their own idea of what football is – there's soccer, or rugby or grid iron and so on but what you may not know is that the only real code is Australian Rules Football. Why? Well where do I begin... it's fast, entertaining, the teams actually score more than once or twice each game, players don't wear padding and its by far the toughest... and this weeks featured vid proves that! Check it... - Aussie Rules Football - This Is Why -

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty... "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first, it was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mama Bear who made the coffee, it was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mama Bear who set the table, it was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

ANIMAL BEHAVIOUR Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Mail... sweet mail...so much sweet mail... I honestly think I have an addiction to it. You can guarantee that if I am ever away from my computer for more than a few minutes the very first thing I will do upon returning is check my inbox. It's gotten to the point where if I am watching TV I will get up every ad break to make sure there's nothing needing urgent attention. For this I blame you guys!

For years now you've filled my inbox with tens of thousand of amazing pics, crazy vids, tasty girlfriend photos and hilarious jokes. I think what I am trying to say here is if you'd like to do me a favour and help me get my fix then all you gotta do is click here to send me something... please please send me something... please... I NEED it... pleaseeeee....

Phat Joe wrote: Subject: something for ur site! hey u woulda got my other email with the leb idol vid, heres a pic i got off a mate of sydney cops in george st the city lol. enjoy

TURK wrote: Subject: halloween How to do halloween, i know its a bit late but its my first attempt at latex, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm latex......... Sorry got carried away. And a piccie of my girlie looking lurvely.

Burt Conde wrote: Subject: BADASS PIC YOU MIGHT WANNA SEE Mr Orsm, I am a fan of your site and I cant wait till every thursday to check it. Your site has great shit compared to most sites. I like how you do not have questionable porn (well at least not intentionally)... unlike most sites where you have to puke first before you reach your orgasm. By the way, I thought my holloween costume was quite original... it got alot of attention, repulsed stuck-up bitches, and attracted hot women with a sick sense of humor. The costume worked well on the BEST holloween I've ever had. I think holloween should happen more than once a year, dont you think so too? And if I may mention, to all people in the Bay Area in CA, the Castro is the place to be on holloween (even for straight people... suprisingly). For those of you that did not go to the Castro street fair, please raise your hand and slap yourself. Thanks. Thanks again Mr. Orsm!

Rob wrote: Subject: Naked Sushi - Japan style G'day mate, Just checked out the latest update - mate loadsa kudos out to you... Loadsa funny stuff and you gotta be pretty stoked to keep such a top site running... I'll also attach a piccie of cricket in japan for ur random shite section.. What an awesome view! -Orsm

Mal wrote: Subject: Regretful sale of my Jetski Having been in Singapore over 12 months and no longer having storage in Perth, I've decided to regretfully let my jetski go. It's in good nick and cuts an impressive profile at the beach. A picture of it is attached, I'm no gun photographer but hopefully it's all in focus. Near new and in great condition. Make me an offer.

Mwongola Leoni-Mativo wrote: Subject: Speed Deamon Hey Orsm, I noticed that a buch of ricers have been sending in pics of how fast their car can go, so i decided to show them what good ole Chevy Power can do. I have a 2004 Chevy Silverado, Whipplecharged, and a few extras. Thats as fast as the speedodometer can go, but eh truck tops out at 160ish. I was cruzin at 140 in this pic with the tac at less than 2 grand, beat that rice!

Bruce Shadrack wrote: Subject: Lane Cove Hole...... The Real Story Dear Orsm, You have no doubt heard of the tunnel cave in at Lane Cove, some people claim that the cave in was a result of the tunnel being built but I have a picture of the real cause of the disaster.....

Austin Powers wrote: Subject: advert was just looking at the news.com.au website about the recent Jordan bombings, and there was an advert for building advice below this picture of a building half destroyed from a blast... just seemed like a real contradiction or something ya know :) ps, the worlds gone crazy from these fkn terrorists, kill em all i say

sam franzway wrote: Subject: Spotted What this was doing in Adelaide I have no idea... Maybe Fitty go lost. I so want one of those. -Orsm

Anthony Gatt wrote: Subject: LONELY ON AN OIL RIG Interesting story behind this one. Young lady - engineer with Schlumberger - on rig - lonely - wants to send pics to boyfriend - takes attached pics on company camera - sends pics home to bf - unexpectedly downmanned next day - forgets to remove memory stick from camera prior to departure - now her norks are all around the North Sea..................

Bung wrote: Subject: set up? hey mate, don't you love the office e-mail system? these are doing the rounds under the title "Only in Sydney" bullshit ... we all know that this sort of fun has been happening all over Kings Park on most nights for years where I got my first good pash & grope keep up the good work ORSM ... we eed good shit like this

jeremi paradis wrote: Subject: vid Great site, blah blah blah. Heres a vid of a dude that has big ass balls. The AC/DC tune would be good in this one! Canada loves you Worst case of blue balls EVER! -Orsm

Col wrote: Subject: Bonfire fun Well as no stories about last nights fireworks fun have come out .... I have found a substitute, take a look at this:

Fernando Machado wrote: Subject: Some footage of Gold Coast Indy 2005 (1) This was the view from our apartment.... I hope you can use them!! Classy girl... -Orsm

Eric K wrote: Subject: How Lazy Neighbor Gets Rid of Leaves Saw this going on couldn't resist filming it. Please don't post my details if you decide you like this enough to post it. If it wasn't for a fence between here and my neighbours this vid would be of me... -Orsm

Phat Joe wrote: Subject: FUCK YOU MR ORSM now that i got ur attention :) thought id send u another item that u might want to post on ur site, its a video someone sent to me of some lebanese guy who is singing infront of his webcam, he kinda looks like hotdogs from the last aussie big brother lol.

Torry Boy wrote: Subject: Mad Torana Great site and Great content! Keep up the good work! After leeching for months I'd like to give something back. This is a clip never seen online before. Worth a look. As fas as i'm concerned its all legal. Enjoy. Description is a Holden Torana LH 1974 on a gravel patch. Spiderbait Black Betty soundtrack.

Keith wrote: Subject: Odd Hi there. I've never sent anything to you before, but I was freaked out by this. Thought you could use it on your brilliant site. Cheers. Peek-a-boo! -Orsm

Kris wrote: Subject: XR6 Burnout Video g'day mate,. Had this video for a while... Its from Whoop-ass wednesday down at Kwinana Raceway earlier this year. I did a decent burnout then got killed by the 11 second Commodore in the other lane (too much wheelspin). My ute was featured in Perth Street Car (magasine) as one of the first in WA to fit the APS aftermarket kit for the turbo... Its good for about 330kw.

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me.

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!". The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

WILD BMW CUSTOM Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 - Alpine X5 - Alpine X5

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

ORSM VIDEO

Magik Tricks

Drag Crash

Attention Seeker

Ladder Stack

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

THE MODERN NOAH

In the year 2005 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his Yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen.

Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the quolls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Immigration department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from Amanda Vanstone asking about my ethnic background!

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

THE WILDEST PARTIES. THE SEXIEST BABES. THE HOTTEST SEX. THATS WHAT I CALL A HARDCORE PARTY!

RANDOM SHITE I don't know why people complain about Random Shite. I mean its not as if I don't warn you guys that there may be a few tasteless surprises contained within. I figure if my warnings aren't good enough then my only option it to... not warn. So check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what
I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal - Big Meal

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

ORSM VIDEO

Concealed

Twister

Null Penetration

Got Some Skills

Well girls and boys guess what? I am done... finished... kaput... the update is over. It is now time for me to wind down, find some dinner and then catch up on the latest episode of Lost whilst keeping a close eye on the site servers wondering just how long it is until they can't handle an update onslaught any longer and catch on fire. I don't know why but I love Thursdays...

If you would like to repay the favour for the countless hours I've spent hunched over my keyboard compiling this behemoth update all I ask is that you get viral and tell your friends about this absolutely fucking great site you found called o-r-s-m-dot-net.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and stay away from the lemons. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet... welcome to November...

I know I've started a million updates the same way but holy crap its November already! How is this possible? It's unpossible! The year is practically over with just several frustrating missions doing Christmas shopping and Christmas itself standing in the way.

On to what's been going on. I know I babbled on forever last update about taking a trip into the city last weekend to watch the annual Gay & Lesbian Pride Parade but unfortunately it didn't happen. My Saturday was a busy one spent running around the house doing all those odd jobs I had been meaning to get to so by the time nite came around I was too tired to head in and heckle.

The weekend began how they all have lately - gardening, weeding, sweeping, digging etc with some replacing tap washers thrown in for good measure. Next came the problem of getting water to continue the overgrowing...

With some help I managed to get the reticulation bore thingy working again and figure out how all the stations work [never underestimate the value of a know it all engineer!]. It was definitely a bigger head fuck than it had to be mainly because of a hidden valve that I had completely forgotten existed but after much fiddling, theorising and replacing broken bits on both Saturday and Sunday we finally had it sussed. I should now be able to get through all of summer without ever having to go out and water a damn thing! All good.

I also figured out why the fish pond with the ginormous gold fish in it was so murky. Apparently you have to clean the filter out occasionally and when you don't... well... lets just say it's hard to see the fish for their shit. It took a few go's at cleaning and running it and in the process I attracted way more flies than necessary after covering myself with fish emulsion a few times but thankfully the water is now starting to look clear again.

Definitely the biggest highlight of the day was the Kookaburras. I've noticed two of them come and sit in the backyard over the last few weeks. This I eventually realised is because the old owners used to feed them [dead mice] so these guys were just here looking for a free feed. Obviously I aren't going to keep dead rodents around so I just left them giving me dirty "where's the mice, dude?" looks until the old guy from next door informed me they will eat almost any meat... and what do you know - they do! I found some diced pork in the freezer and they were straight into it even to the point where they took the food from out hands. I have no doubt they will be back for more so I'll try and get some pics of them for next update when they do.

The rest of the weekend didn't slow down too much from there. I washed the car [despite the fact it rained the next day], went to a birthday barbecue thing, did more frickin gardening, wasted some money at Bunnings, saw the parentals, cleaned the house and tried to tidy up the mountain of useless papers off my desk. All up it was quite a productive weekend.

Jump forward to Tuesday and it's the 'race that stops a nation'... Melbourne Cup day! For the uninitiated, Cup day is an annual horse race held in [strangely enough] Melbourne. Just about everyone Australia-wide drops what they're doing an affixes their interest to the nearest TV or radio and pretends to care who wins. In reality practically no one does [care] but it's a good excuse to take a break from work either for the few minutes the race takes or for the whole day so you can do lunch and get drunk... like we did.

We actually gave it some forethought this year and organised a few of us to head into the city for lunch and booze and of course to watch the race and I'm happy to say that for the first time ever I won some money! Seriously... after years of having a punt on Cup day I had to hit it eventually and even though it was only $45 it was enough to cover my day so I was stoked.

Anyway I think its time I stop boring you all with the goings-on of my life and get started with this monster of an update...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I LOVE TITTIES! Can I say it enough? I LOVE TITTIES! Boys and girls... I LOVE TITTIES! Click the 'free video' links... they're nice!

So how many dudes does it take to screw into two tight sockets? We soon learn that it takes at least one in the front and another in the back to turn these babes with big headlights on.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Playin' Chickin' - Well Hung - Strong MoFo - Officer Ali - Oils Aint Oils - Wannabe G's - Blistered

Rate My Pix - Make Out - Paris & Tara - Perth - Naked Soccer - Porn List - Idol Nip Slip - Sexy Strip - F-Bomb

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A woman is laying in the prep room in the hospital awaiting the birth of her baby, the doctor checks her over and is satisfied with what he sees and leaves, she goes into labour soon after the doctors visit and the doctor comes back in to deliver the baby, the woman huffs, puffs and strains for 45 mins then the baby starts to crown and the doctor pulls the baby out, then he drops the baby down and picks it up by the umbilical cord then swings it around his head hitting it off several pieces of equipment, meanwhile the woman is hysterical and screaming, the doctor slows the baby and drops it again then he picks it up, the woman screams "What the hell are you doing?" to which the doctor replies "It's OK it was dead when it came out."

Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec - Emily & Bec

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial - Palatial

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and ALWAYS win. What is up with that?".

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

"Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late...!!''

ORSM VIDEO This week's featured vid is nothing more than some guy talking to a class of students. Basically some silly bugger has stolen his lap top and he wants it back. Now despite the fact he is probably completely full of shit, the professor speaks so convincingly that even I was afraid of getting busted for it. I don't even want to imagine how the thief felt! Check it... - Scare Tactics: Gonna Make You Piss! -

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

"Hello, is this the police?" "Yes it is. How can we help you?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop up your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, maaaaate!!!"

Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
I think it's safe to say that not only the quantity but the quality of reader mail in this update is a damn good indication of how much you guys have hammered my inbox this past week. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time - you all rock! It's probably also fair to say that there's just about another entire update worth of stuff buried in this section.

For all the rest of you bad, bad people that haven't taken the time out of your hectic schedules to drop me a line then shame on you... there's a good chance you've signed your ticket to hell. There is however the chance of redemption. How? Well... if you can spare a moment to forward me a funny joke, compromising pics of a significant other, a vid clip of some sort or even just some hate mail you're in with a chance! Just click here to get it happening!

<with held> wrote: Subject: RS item Another cab off the rank. My sister in law got abused by sweet little Lisa one night at a Bar about 15 years ago. So what goes around, comes around, i guess. I feel better now. That's enough to turn me off my muesli bar... -Orsm

joex joex wrote: Subject: hummer This hummer is the most beautiful car you will ever see, and is my creation, jejejeje. Thanks for your page Mister Corsm.

Andrew wrote: Subject: picture Heya Mr Orsm - longtime fan of your site - keep up the good work! Took a snap of this car that was parked near my place. I'm surprised the Roads and Traffic Authority let this one slip through! Wonder how often it gets coined... -Orsm

Obrigado wrote: Subject: car Hello! Its a car of the my city (Thiago Costa, Brazil), please show in your site. So... how many horespower would that make it? -Orsm

1 2 wrote: Subject: Funny picture picture of my brothers kid for halloween him and his friends made it Kid obviously gets beaten up a lot... -Orsm

Dutcher wrote: Subject: Halloween Party Love the sight! I cannot wait until Thursdays to check out the updates. Here is a picture of my buddy Bill at a Halloween party we threw at my place last weekend in Arizona. He had THO all night. Nice tata's! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: My Halloween Costume! Here is a pic of my sister and myself for this years halloween costume party at a local bar. I think it's pretty precise myself =)

Reckless necklace wrote: Subject: Thought you might like this random pic I took this photo at the Lodi Memorial Cemetery in California. Credence Clear Water did a famous song called, Stuck in Old Lodi" The pic below brings an all new meaning to that famous song.

Col wrote: Subject: Ever been stuck in an elevator? If you get stuck in an elevator, what is your first move??? 1. You start to scream and shout hysterically. 2. You cry like a baby. 3. You get claustrophobic. 4. You call the fire department for help. 5. You call the caretaker for help. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the above is completely wrong. The first thing you must do is to check if a camera is installed in the elevator.

larryc wrote: Subject: cam chick HERE ARE SOME PIC'S OF A REALLY HOT CHICK WHO I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING AND SHE GAVE ME HER C P U... TO FIX I LIKE TO THINK SHE KNEW I'D SEE THESE I I'M SURE GLAD SHE LEFT THEM ON U SHOULD SEE HER FACE WOW SWEET DREAMS GUYS I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF THERE'S MORE. IF SHE SEE'S THESE SHE'LL KNOW WHO I AM.... I HOPE!!!

Jarrod wrote: Subject: Some pix Hi Mr Orsm, my mate likes to make me a bit jealous with all his conquests. A mobile phone camera can turn anyone into a pornographer it seems. Here are a couple of the pix he sent me.

tim wrote: Subject: stupid chick Hey Orsm. Thought I would send you a few pics of this stupid chick I picked up the other night, you got to love camera phones. please don't show my e-mail address. Enjoy

A List wrote: Subject: Halloween Pictures Dear Mr. Orsm, Long time reader, first time contributor. I own a Marketing Company in the States. Part of my job is to plan events, most recently, Halloween Parties. Here's a couple pictures to liven your day. Also, what do you think of my new advertising technique? Works for me... -Orsm

Jeff wrote: Subject: Promotional Pics From Today's Gold Coast Indy Hey, Just got back from today's Gold Coast Indy, here is a selection of pictures of the "Promotional" girls. No nudity, but a nice collection of pretty ladies.

Travis wrote: Subject: Read the mail below first before opening the pics A woman rented a Citroen C4 in Budapest. She drove from Budapest to Pics. Approximately 220km. In 1st gear. She thought it was automatic. Attached are the insurance photos of the engine and the bonnet. I wanna know how she got it into gear if she thought it was an automatic... -Orsm

Mick wrote: Subject: 2005 Valla Rod Run Mate, here are the pics from this years Valla Beach Hot Rod Festival held on the October long weekend a few weeks back. Some nice machinery to be seen here. Enjoy. Mick. All Pics taken by Daniel "The Tank" Fallon.

<with held> wrote: Subject: mates blowie here is a vid of a mates blowie he got on the weekend..... keep my details private my his name is Dan and hers is Emma..... Perth girls....hmmmm....gotta love em....... Agreed. -Orsm

Rick wrote: Subject: payback This is probably old news... but saw going through your archives... the junk about james hodges... Did you guys ever get this in the e-mail? Looks like another ex-girlfriend wanted to get even... LOL. Anyway... thought I would blow it your way..... in case you never saw it... Your site is great guys

Russ wrote: Subject: THe definitive Numanuma Mr Orsm, Was holidaying in New York with some friends, got bored, and so made the definitive NumaNuma video. Cheers & Enjoy!

David wrote: Subject: the wrong place to bungee jump Orsm, This popped up in my e-mail. This dude picked the wrong place to bungee. I have no idea what kind of injuries the guy sustained. Thought your readers might like it. Enjoy. I have swapped this vid with the full one so that the 10 million people that've sent it my way will finally know it isnt real and is all just for a commercial! -Orsm

Russ wrote: Subject: redsmoke tyres Kumho are keen on firsts and with the increasing popularity of drifting they've produced a special version of Kumho's ECSTA MX ultra high performance street tyre - dubbed the ECSTA MX-C. Debuting with Enjuku Racing at a Formula Drift event in early May, the Kumho ECSTA MX-C produces red smoke when the tyresspin - ideal for drifting then! Kumho developed the right mix of chemicals and now have a patent pending for their colorful compound (they've also developed a compound that produces blue tire smoke). Following successful testing, Kumho produced a limited number of the tires for demonstration purposes. Whether they'll be sold to the general public, we can only wait and see!

Ozdavo wrote: Subject: Bathurst 2005 - Lowdnes Wheel in windscreen Hey, The attached clip show the in car camera of one of the best drivers, Craig Lowdnes, Car 888(Ford), being hit by a wheel from another vehicle, fair in the windscreen. 3 bars are shown in the video. From the left they are 1. Speed, 2. Brakes, 3. Accelerator(Gas Pedal). This shows this mans nerves of steel.

Sander wrote: Subject: instead of all the cars Your site rocks! Here is a picture of me doing a burnout with my bike, a zx-10r, I also included a small video of the burnout, just to finish of the tire ? If you like it, post it on your site.

Drew wrote: Subject: Tigers Ad Gday Orsm, Heres a nice little clip of one of the NRL's TV Commercials for the 2006 National Rugby League competition! Hope ya can use it! Someone get this guy some 'fuckin' media training...!! -Orsm

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles. "It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?". The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam".

Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production - Production

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

ORSM VIDEO

Wop You!

How To Trash A Viper

Sick Fucks

Natalie Portman

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome... and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

MRCAMELTOE.COM: HOME OF THE TOE & PASSION FOR PERFECT PUFFY PUSSY!

RANDOM SHITE Let's do another big one shall we? RS as far as the eye can see. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.

Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall.

The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colours."

From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that's silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted - Painted

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

ORSM VIDEO

Karate Kiddies

I Love You

Amazing Dunk

Jedi Shopping

Well boys and girls what can I say? My work here is done. Its been a killer day and I am absolutely buggered. This is one of those weeks where for whatever reason I was busy doing other stuff right so I didn't actually start working on this bad boy until late last nite. I woke up this morning way earlier than usual in a panic thinking I don't have a chance of getting it done today... but I did and I have no idea how so with that in mind I hope it does suck!

All I need from you guys is to spread the Orsm word! That usually goes something like "Hey Fred, I found this great site called orsm-dot-net. You should definitely check it out!" and I'll be a happy camper.

Until next week be good, stay off the chems and don't ever forget the little people! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.