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Welcome to Orsm.net. You can't be right all of the time.... and for 53% of Australians that is the case.
There's a lot to be said for not making eye contact with people you don’t know... or want to talk to. Take last Thursday night for example. With the update finished I jumped in the car and went past the local servo to grab a coke and fuel up. Walking back to the car I accidentally made eye contact with some guy filling up his car. "Jesus loves you" he says. "Thanks" I say. "Without him in your heart you will never know true happiness". "I think I'll be okay" I reply. Apparently that isn’t the case though, or so he told me. And with that I got a ten minute speech, where all my replies ended in "... and I really have to go now.", about how his life changed after finding God, about some very smart scientists who now believe that God MUST be real, Intelligent Design, monkeys and a how I can use Google to learn more.
Seriously do the religious zealots have nothing better to do than accost random people at service stations at 11pm on Thursday nights? And how the fuck did he know I don’t have the lord in my heart? I could be full of the lord! I wasn’t wearing a badge... or is there some secret reply you're supposed to give? Next time I'll give "Word to your mother" a shot but failing that I just won't make eye contact with people who look eager to talk.
I was forced along to the annual Wanneroo Agricultural Show last Friday. Kind of pathetic considering I've spent the last 12 months swearing I wouldn’t be going again under any circumstances and for a while that was almost the case - cruising around Friday I spotted a massive fire to the north. Turned on the radio and whaddya know there was a massive fire in that area... SWEET... my ticket out... but nooo... the fire was in the area alright... just ten kilometres away. Not close enough for the organisers to cancel.
You may remember me blogging about this last year - the people are for the most part redneck, feral, hicks or any combination of. 90% of the guys over 40 have beards and wear wife beaters... and all the males under 20 are skaters wearing back packs no doubt full of spray paint cans. As for the chicks... either pushing a pram or pushing a pram OR pushing a pram.
We got there relatively late. Time enough to walk around, note that the whole thing was exactly the same as last year and then find a place to watch the fireworks which were incredibly lame. To be honest I would have been more impressed if someone walked out onto the oval and lit a flare. The pièce de résistance didn’t come until we were heading out and is best explained with video of the shocking incident. No way I'm going next year... no way...
Saturday was Election Day and for me it was about as easy as you can get - walk out the front door, over the road, collect the appropriate 'how to vote' flyer from the numerous being thrust toward me, vote and return home.
Who did I end up voting for? Let's just say it wasn’t the now Prime Minister elect, Kevin Rudd. I'll probably get some hate mail for saying it but I just don’t trust the trade unions and that was enough to sway me away. Whether or not the ALP will fuck it all up... I doubt it, but my conscience is clear either way.
Sunday was a bit overcast but we hit the beach anyway. As soon as I stepped on I started talking to a girl with two huge boobs... and German Shepherds. I've wanted to find someone who had a pair [of Shepherds] for ages to get some advice because I'm still toying with the idea of getting another one so my little girl doesn’t have to rely on me so much. Anyway she was in the exact same situ as me – had one adult female and got a male playmate. Exactly what I was thinking of doing and apparently it's all been smooth sailing.
The rest of Sunday was spent painting. After dragging it out for far, far, far too long my bedroom is finally finished and I've moved on to the rest of the house – particularly my computer room. No longer is it grey/lime spew green... its grey/cream. Substantially better and less brain piercing. Just need to get another coat on this weekend... then start on the other rooms I never got around to...
Okay let's get on with the update. I'm not lying when I say this one is an absolute fucking cracker. The entire Orsm staff [consisting of me] put in some killer hours this week trying to attain excellence so if you don’t think its good enough please email me your address and I'll be around shortly to knock you one. Check it...
Are you on FaceBook!! Add me now so we can be BFF's and then click here to join the Orsm group with all my other BFF's...
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A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother".
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
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It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
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A US marine squad was driving North out of Basra when they came upon an Al-Qaeda soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The Aussie was conscious and alert.
As first aid was given to both men, the Aussie was asked what had happened. The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Al-Qaeda soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that even with the new government his country is still fucked, and he yelled back: 'So is yours'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of Money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed says "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'"
"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!" "Now look at my sign!"
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!"
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail is back and in fine form and with the week off there is plenty –and I mean plenty- of mail to get through.
If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn’t. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: HOT GOSS
Not that I care about footy.... but I love a good story...
did you see the footage of bennys dad walking into the court with Sam bennys now skinny ex?
WELL.... apparently poppa cuz has split with mama cuz and has been dating Sam bennys ex and THATS why he went all "you can kiss my shiny metal ass" on everyone once he got to the states and wouldnt talk to his family etc.
So Benny's dad is plugging Benny's Ex? Brilliant. Creepy but brilliant. -Orsm
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Brandon Stites wrote:
Subject: Please
Hi,
Please, I don't want to offend you, but this is very sick and discusting. If you would do me a very big favor, please shut the site down.
Orsm wrote:
Subject: RE: Please
Okay I will get right on that. Thank you for your advice – you have been like a rock to me through this decision.
Brandon Stites wrote:
Subject: Thank you
I very thank you for your decision. |
Leen wrote:
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE PLEASE READ ASAP - WARNING
Please read the message below. Please Be Extremely Careful especially if using internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on. This information arrived this morning direct from both Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who has access to the Internet.
You may receive an apparently harmless email with a Power Point presentation 'Life is beautiful.' If you receive it DO NOT OPEN THE FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES , and delete it immediately. If you open this file, a message will appear on your screen saying: 'It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful.'
Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC and the person who sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password. This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus software's are not capable of destroying it. The virus has been created by ahacker who calls himself 'life owner.'
PLEASE SEND A COPY OF THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS and ask them to PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY |
David wrote:
Subject: Byron girls
hey orsm, long time reader, first time contributor. Thought u might like this pic my mate mr tim on flickr snapped in Byron the other weekend. |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Number plate
Hello Mr Orsm. Saw this amusing number plate on the weekend, thought id take a photo for ya.
Pretty sure they come standard with all new Fords... -Orsm
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Tim wrote:
Subject: Some local original RS for you
As seen on the wall of a UWA Social Sciences male toilets cubicle wall earlier today... enjoy.
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Expired
I got this from a friend on line. A friend of hers died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says 'Expired'. So her nephew got her one on eBay! She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ruddy Mr Sheen.
Big fan but I've got to be discreet (4 kids). Remember how we used to think Johnny Howard looked like the guy on our most famous aerosol polish? Did ya check our PM elect on the cover of Sunday' paper? Best wishes |
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She wrote:
Subject: Adelaide's own Stifler's mum
Someone drove down Unley Road on the weekend and came across this election poster for the Liberal candidate for the seat of Adelaide ' Tracey Marsh".
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: UTE BEAUT
SAW THIS IN S.A [South Africa], THINK ITS ONE OF YOURS THAT GOT AWAY, WE CALL THEM CHEVYS BUT IT’S STILL A BEAUT. NO NEED TO SHOW NAME ETC TA! |
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zeke wrote:
Subject: some dude sent in the longest turd
the dude that sent in his longest turd ever needs to get his commitment to the cause up to this level.
Now that's dedication to ones craft. -Orsm
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Jonas wrote:
Subject: Audi R8 !
Hi Orsm ! greetz from germany !!! i Just wanted to say your site rox dude !!! Attached youll find some Pics of my uncle drivin his new R8 at the limit !!! Maybe its sometin intressting for you ;) these Pics were taken at the exclusive Audi R8 racing event at the LUC Driving Center in Germany. Regards! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Farmfoods Bagsuit Pics
Hi Mr Orsm, Please find attached some photos of me & my housemates drunken sat afternoon adventures, After clearing our
cupboard out we discovered that we had over 60 plastic bags from Farmfoods! So being the pair of enviro-mentalists that we are we decided to recycle them into something more stylish.. it took three hours and two 1 litre bottles of Jim Beam and a roll of selotape to create and we wrote a letter to the managing director to see if we could get sponsership.. They decded to send us a £100 in vouchers instead! Rock on! ps pls find a word of advice from the legend himself.. |
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Samuel wrote:
Subject: Racist Ex
Hiya Orsm, Awesome Site! just wanted to forward you some pics of My Ex. We were an Interracial Couple, and she wanted to change me, infact she wanted me to do a Complete 180 of my life, Dump my parents and obey her every command. She was an Awesome Lay though. 40 G Tits and a Nice Plump and Tight pussy. Not eveyrone's type of girl though she's a little on the bigger side which is the Body type that I happen to like. Enjoy! |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: hey there mate
Greetings from the United States, long time visitor, first time contributor. got some pics of this legal assistant i was banging, she turned out to be a bitch. she loves the cock though, thought i'd share some of the best pictures with ya, use what you like. thanks for the fun!! |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: pics, please post
hey. love the site, cant wait for the update each week blah blah lol enough arse kissing found these pics of my mate on his phone, he has tried to embrasses me and always plays practical jokes on me. Finally my revenge!!!!!!!!! His name is "Levo, the superhero". Please post these so all his mates can piss ourself laughing. Hope to see these on your site. |
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John Laws wrote:
Subject: Kalgoorlie Paint Place Remodeling 25/11/07
Here are a few pics of a Kalgoorlie Car Accident Saturday Night. Apparently doing 180kmh when hit a median strip on a bend and ended up in a paint shop. Not bad for a monaro. Gr8 Material on your site as well. Regards John Laws...... |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Red bull air race
Just some of the pics from the Red bull air race, 5th November. Enjoy. |
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riley wrote:
Subject: prank
the following is what it would sound like if you were a phone operator and could hook up a small town store to a small town chinese cafe. i lmao when i made this happen. listen it is great. keep in mind that niether knows they called each other because it called them each at the same time.
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Joe wrote:
Subject: Japanese Tow Trucks
Orsm, A Swedish company came up with the design and modifications for the Goldwing tow bike. FYI - The name Honda may be Japanese, but Goldwing's are made in only one place, Marysville, OH, USA and shipped all over the world, including Japan. Love your site and look forward to every Thursday's update. |
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Ang wrote:
Subject: Presidents Car
Have you ever wondered what all those extra SUV in a Presidential or VIP motorcade are? You know the ones with blacked windows that no one gets in or out of. Wonder no more... They have a 6 barrel 7.62 mm mini gun... which
fires over 4,000 rounds per minute. The wipers need to be run to remove spent casings when the weapon is firing. See attached video from the company that makes this happen. The vehicle is also armor plated. |
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INTERNATIONAL DATING SECRETS
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever
Going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.
ARAB WOMEN
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab Community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
ORSM
VIDEO
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. She was devastated - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? So in a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
ORSM
VIDEO
Well... this really is the end. Not of the world you dick. Just the update...
- Check out the site archives. They're phat... and fat spelt with a 'p-h' is the cool kind.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Third last for 2007!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray show up at your work wearing the pants with the bum cut out, screaming and crying because he's sorry for what he did and just wants you to take him back.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and welcome Casper Otis. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
