orsm.net
Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
orsmsite
orsmstuff
orsmstuff
moreorsmness


Click for more awesomeness

November 2007...
 
orsmupdate 2007.11.29-23.57

Welcome to Orsm.net. You can't be right all of the time.... and for 53% of Australians that is the case.

There's a lot to be said for not making eye contact with people you don't know... or want to talk to. Take last Thursday night for example. With the update finished I jumped in the car and went past the local servo to grab a coke and fuel up. Walking back to the car I accidentally made eye contact with some guy filling up his car. "Jesus loves you" he says. "Thanks" I say. "Without him in your heart you will never know true happiness". "I think I'll be okay" I reply. Apparently that isn't the case though, or so he told me. And with that I got a ten minute speech, where all my replies ended in "... and I really have to go now.", about how his life changed after finding God, about some very smart scientists who now believe that God MUST be real, Intelligent Design, monkeys and a how I can use Google to learn more.

Seriously do the religious zealots have nothing better to do than accost random people at service stations at 11pm on Thursday nights? And how the fuck did he know I don't have the lord in my heart? I could be full of the lord! I wasn't wearing a badge... or is there some secret reply you're supposed to give? Next time I'll give "Word to your mother" a shot but failing that I just won't make eye contact with people who look eager to talk.

I was forced along to the annual Wanneroo Agricultural Show last Friday. Kind of pathetic considering I've spent the last 12 months swearing I wouldn't be going again under any circumstances and for a while that was almost the case - cruising around Friday I spotted a massive fire to the north. Turned on the radio and whaddya know there was a massive fire in that area... SWEET... my ticket out... but nooo... the fire was in the area alright... just ten kilometres away. Not close enough for the organisers to cancel.

You may remember me blogging about this last year - the people are for the most part redneck, feral, hicks or any combination of. 90% of the guys over 40 have beards and wear wife beaters... and all the males under 20 are skaters wearing back packs no doubt full of spray paint cans. As for the chicks... either pushing a pram or pushing a pram OR pushing a pram.

We got there relatively late. Time enough to walk around, note that the whole thing was exactly the same as last year and then find a place to watch the fireworks which were incredibly lame. To be honest I would have been more impressed if someone walked out onto the oval and lit a flare. The pièce de résistance didn't come until we were heading out and is best explained with video of the shocking incident. No way I'm going next year... no way...

Saturday was Election Day and for me it was about as easy as you can get - walk out the front door, over the road, collect the appropriate 'how to vote' flyer from the numerous being thrust toward me, vote and return home.

Who did I end up voting for? Let's just say it wasn't the now Prime Minister elect, Kevin Rudd. I'll probably get some hate mail for saying it but I just don't trust the trade unions and that was enough to sway me away. Whether or not the ALP will fuck it all up... I doubt it, but my conscience is clear either way.

Sunday was a bit overcast but we hit the beach anyway. As soon as I stepped on I started talking to a girl with two huge boobs... and German Shepherds. I've wanted to find someone who had a pair [of Shepherds] for ages to get some advice because I'm still toying with the idea of getting another one so my little girl doesn't have to rely on me so much. Anyway she was in the exact same situ as me – had one adult female and got a male playmate. Exactly what I was thinking of doing and apparently it's all been smooth sailing.

The rest of Sunday was spent painting. After dragging it out for far, far, far too long my bedroom is finally finished and I've moved on to the rest of the house – particularly my computer room. No longer is it grey/lime spew green... its grey/cream. Substantially better and less brain piercing. Just need to get another coat on this weekend... then start on the other rooms I never got around to...

Okay let's get on with the update. I'm not lying when I say this one is an absolute fucking cracker. The entire Orsm staff [consisting of me] put in some killer hours this week trying to attain excellence so if you don't think its good enough please email me your address and I'll be around shortly to knock you one. Check it...

Are you on FaceBook!! Add me now so we can be BFF's and then click here to join the Orsm group with all my other BFF's...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Pole Dancer - Game Time - Carmen - What A Dick - Tasty Bitch - Jen Hilton - Laxative Prank - Crackhead Pussy

Freeloaders Guide - Drunk Chicks - Techno Babe - Cham-pussy - Poopy Snack - Ride It - Thai Pussy - Fucking Crazy

That's Emo - Truth Revealed - Wheres Waldo? - Zuzana Topless - Jennifer Love - Xtina Preg - Kim Spins - Making Out

Click for more awesomeness

A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother".
--
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
--
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

click here for more

A US marine squad was driving North out of Basra when they came upon an Al-Qaeda soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The Aussie was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Aussie was asked what had happened. The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Al-Qaeda soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him that even with the new government his country is still fucked, and he yelled back: 'So is yours'." "We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

click here for more

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of Money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed says "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'"

"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!" "Now look at my sign!"

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Reader Mail is back and in fine form and with the week off there is plenty -and I mean plenty- of mail to get through.

If you'd like to submit something to RM then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: HOT GOSS
Not that I care about footy.... but I love a good story... did you see the footage of bennys dad walking into the court with Sam bennys now skinny ex? WELL.... apparently poppa cuz has split with mama cuz and has been dating Sam bennys ex and THATS why he went all "you can kiss my shiny metal ass" on everyone once he got to the states and wouldnt talk to his family etc.

So Benny's dad is plugging Benny's Ex? Brilliant. Creepy but brilliant. -Orsm

Brandon Stites wrote:
Subject: Please
Hi, Please, I don't want to offend you, but this is very sick and discusting. If you would do me a very big favor, please shut the site down.

Orsm wrote:
Subject: RE: Please
Okay I will get right on that. Thank you for your advice – you have been like a rock to me through this decision.

Brandon Stites wrote:
Subject: Thank you
I very thank you for your decision.

Leen wrote:
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE PLEASE READ ASAP - WARNING
Please read the message below. Please Be Extremely Careful especially if using internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on. This information arrived this morning direct from both Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you know who has access to the Internet.

You may receive an apparently harmless email with a Power Point presentation 'Life is beautiful.' If you receive it DO NOT OPEN THE FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES , and delete it immediately. If you open this file, a message will appear on your screen saying: 'It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful.'

Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC and the person who sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password. This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon. AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus software's are not capable of destroying it. The virus has been created by ahacker who calls himself 'life owner.'

PLEASE SEND A COPY OF THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS and ask them to PASS IT ON IMMEDIATELY

David wrote:
Subject: Byron girls
hey orsm, long time reader, first time contributor. Thought u might like this pic my mate mr tim on flickr snapped in Byron the other weekend.
click to enlarge

Brent wrote:
Subject: Number plate
Hello Mr Orsm. Saw this amusing number plate on the weekend, thought id take a photo for ya.

Pretty sure they come standard with all new Fords... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Tim wrote:
Subject: Some local original RS for you
As seen on the wall of a UWA Social Sciences male toilets cubicle wall earlier today... enjoy.
click to enlarge
Ross wrote:
Subject: Expired
I got this from a friend on line. A friend of hers died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says 'Expired'. So her nephew got her one on eBay! She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ruddy Mr Sheen.
Big fan but I've got to be discreet (4 kids). Remember how we used to think Johnny Howard looked like the guy on our most famous aerosol polish? Did ya check our PM elect on the cover of Sunday' paper? Best wishes
click to enlarge
She wrote:
Subject: Adelaide's own Stifler's mum
Someone drove down Unley Road on the weekend and came across this election poster for the Liberal candidate for the seat of Adelaide ' Tracey Marsh".
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: UTE BEAUT
SAW THIS IN S.A [South Africa], THINK ITS ONE OF YOURS THAT GOT AWAY, WE CALL THEM CHEVYS BUT IT'S STILL A BEAUT. NO NEED TO SHOW NAME ETC TA!
click to enlarge click to enlarge

zeke wrote:
Subject: some dude sent in the longest turd
the dude that sent in his longest turd ever needs to get his commitment to the cause up to this level.

Now that's dedication to ones craft. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jonas wrote:
Subject: Audi R8 !
Hi Orsm ! greetz from germany !!! i Just wanted to say your site rox dude !!! Attached youll find some Pics of my uncle drivin his new R8 at the limit !!! Maybe its sometin intressting for you ;) these Pics were taken at the exclusive Audi R8 racing event at the LUC Driving Center in Germany. Regards!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Farmfoods Bagsuit Pics
Hi Mr Orsm, Please find attached some photos of me & my housemates drunken sat afternoon adventures, After clearing our cupboard out we discovered that we had over 60 plastic bags from Farmfoods! So being the pair of enviro-mentalists that we are we decided to recycle them into something more stylish.. it took three hours and two 1 litre bottles of Jim Beam and a roll of selotape to create and we wrote a letter to the managing director to see if we could get sponsership.. They decded to send us a £100 in vouchers instead! Rock on! ps pls find a word of advice from the legend himself..

click for gallery
Samuel wrote:
Subject: Racist Ex
Hiya Orsm, Awesome Site! just wanted to forward you some pics of My Ex. We were an Interracial Couple, and she wanted to change me, infact she wanted me to do a Complete 180 of my life, Dump my parents and obey her every command. She was an Awesome Lay though. 40 G Tits and a Nice Plump and Tight pussy. Not eveyrone's type of girl though she's a little on the bigger side which is the Body type that I happen to like. Enjoy!
click for gallery
Benjamin wrote:
Subject: hey there mate
Greetings from the United States, long time visitor, first time contributor. got some pics of this legal assistant i was banging, she turned out to be a bitch. she loves the cock though, thought i'd share some of the best pictures with ya, use what you like. thanks for the fun!!
click for gallery
Neil wrote:
Subject: pics, please post
hey. love the site, cant wait for the update each week blah blah lol enough arse kissing found these pics of my mate on his phone, he has tried to embrasses me and always plays practical jokes on me. Finally my revenge!!!!!!!!! His name is "Levo, the superhero". Please post these so all his mates can piss ourself laughing. Hope to see these on your site.
click for gallery
John Laws wrote:
Subject: Kalgoorlie Paint Place Remodeling 25/11/07
Here are a few pics of a Kalgoorlie Car Accident Saturday Night. Apparently doing 180kmh when hit a median strip on a bend and ended up in a paint shop. Not bad for a monaro. Gr8 Material on your site as well. Regards John Laws......
click for gallery
Ben wrote:
Subject: Red bull air race
Just some of the pics from the Red bull air race, 5th November. Enjoy.
click for gallery
riley wrote:
Subject: prank
the following is what it would sound like if you were a phone operator and could hook up a small town store to a small town chinese cafe. i lmao when i made this happen. listen it is great. keep in mind that niether knows they called each other because it called them each at the same time.
click to watch video
Joe wrote:
Subject: Japanese Tow Trucks
Orsm, A Swedish company came up with the design and modifications for the Goldwing tow bike. FYI - The name Honda may be Japanese, but Goldwing's are made in only one place, Marysville, OH, USA and shipped all over the world, including Japan. Love your site and look forward to every Thursday's update.
click to watch video
Ang wrote:
Subject: Presidents Car
Have you ever wondered what all those extra SUV in a Presidential or VIP motorcade are? You know the ones with blacked windows that no one gets in or out of. Wonder no more... They have a 6 barrel 7.62 mm mini gun... which fires over 4,000 rounds per minute. The wipers need to be run to remove spent casings when the weapon is firing. See attached video from the company that makes this happen. The vehicle is also armor plated.
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

INTERNATIONAL DATING SECRETS

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever
Going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.

ARAB WOMEN
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab Community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.

ORSM VIDEO

Click for more awesomeness

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

click here for more

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. She was devastated - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? So in a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

RANDOM SHITE
I don't really know what to say about this weeks RS... so I'll just leave it at that. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

click here for more

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

Well... this really is the end. Not of the world you dick. Just the update...

- Check out the site archives. They're phat... and fat spelt with a 'p-h' is the cool kind.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Third last for 2007!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray show up at your work wearing the pants with the bum cut out, screaming and crying because he's sorry for what he did and just wants you to take him back.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and welcome Casper Otis. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.11.22-23.52
click here for more
Click here for more!

Welcome to Orsm.net. If you can't handle the heat, step into the air-conditioning.

What up dudes? How are you all this week? Me... pretty bloody good. No particular reason why... just life could be worse.

That home open I stumbled across a few weeks back has obviously had some sort of affect on me because without really realising it I seem to be looking for a new place to call my own. Not that I hate this place or anything. It suits me and the mutt perfectly but I wouldn't mind something that requires a little less maintenance, doesn't need painting, constant gardening and most of all something that isn't thirty-plus years old.

I've been quite comfortable here for a little over two years but once again in my travels came across a place last weekend which is just about perfect – new, modern, tonnes of features... except most likely out of my price range. That's tomorrow's mission though – a casual chat with the bank. At this point I'm not getting my hopes up but let's just say if it doesn't happen I'll make someone pay...

Amazing how many "who you voting for?" conversations I've had lately. The odd thing is people seem to be looking for reasons to vote against instead of for. I suppose that's what happens when both the major parties are offering up the same shit. That rings true for myself too... still haven't decided who to vote for however I know who I'm not voting for.

The only highpoint of the campaign thus far is that all political advertising ceased at midnight last night. I'm not too sure what the reason behind that is but at very least it means we don't have to watch this whiny bitch every five minutes. I hate her so, so much and with that in mind recrafted a more appropriate message for her: "I don't know Mr Howard, but you've had 11 years to act on my vaginal stench, but you didn't. 11 years to stop the cheesy discharge, nothing. And you promised to pay for a Labiaplasty. And you haven't. And now you want us to vote for you so you can retire at some stage, but what about my stinky festering vag? Sorry Mr Howard, you've lost me."

Moving on... my weekend. The damn thing flew by far too fast. One minute its Friday night, the next its Monday morning and I'm wondering where it all went. The sad part about making that statement is it didn't involve drugs. Perhaps if I could say "my weekend passed in a flash but I did a shit load of coke so that's okay" I may feel more gratified...

The whole weekend was actually extremely family-centric. It started Friday with a dinner that never eventuated. Turns out you CAN'T put everyone in a room together and hope for the best if you can't get them in the room. Funny that.

Saturday started with grandiose intentions. I had a million things to get done but a couple of phone calls later and that was all over. My sister's birthday party was that night and I got roped into making sausage rolls. The party was actually pretty good. November-fest/German dress-up them. Didn't have time to get a costume sorted so I did the next best thing – took my German Shepherd.

Got up bright and unnecessarily early Sunday to hit the beach with dog but the weather looked shit so back to bed until... ring ring. Mother-dearest had other plans for me so I piled my tools in the car and headed over to her to hang some curtains. Yes, I'm a good son.

When I got home it was time to stop delaying the inevitable and finish painting my frickin' bedroom. I mentioned a few weeks back it wasn't happening because I'm hopeless at choosing colours. So I asked a friend to choose, gave her the chart thingy and funnily enough she came up with the exact same colour that the rest of the house is painted. Got to give her credit for originality...

Okay enough dribibbling. Let's get stuck into this update like a priest gets stuck into an altar boy. Check it...

Orsm is now on FaceBook!! Click here to add me as a friend and click here to join the Orsm.net group with all the other cool people.

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Tasty Trish - Game ON - Respect - Get Hammered! - Freaky Fuck - Booty Shake - Sucking Girls - My Kinda Girl

Hottie Heaven - Mario Tesla - WhatEVER - Boobie Wrestle - Great Goal - Lesbian Pornstars - Sexy Teen - Dum Blonde

No More Porn - Jackass - Lion Akbar - Naughty Gurls - Alexis Love - Very Cool - Xtina Upskirt - Fergie Sex Tape

Click for more awesomeness

A guy walks into a clinic to get a blood test done. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"
--
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

click here for more

Dear Uncle Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps, Uncle Walter

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke... "I'm just a really bad conductor."

click here for more

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the guy says. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

ORSM VIDEO
You're probably wondering where Reader Mail has gone right? Truth be told this week has been a touch on the chaotic side with shit all over the place and just didn't have the time to get it sorted so in its place are a vids I never got around to posting. Plus it will give us a good chance to see how the new server holds up to punishment.

Reader Mail will return next week. If you would like to contribute, speak your mind, show us what your Ex looks like naked, fill my inbox with vids and pics, then that would be fan-fucking-tastic! All you must do is clickety-click here.


TO ALL EMPLOYEES - EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 2007

DRESS CODE
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

SMOKE BREAKS
1. Smoke breaks are taken at your own risk and time.
2. Smoking KILLS and your company cannot be held responsible while smoking in company time.
3. When ever a smoke break is taken this is classed as unpaid time or leave as the company can and will not be part of the cause of your death or associated with it in any way.

LUNCH BREAKS
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

click here for more

CAUGHT FUCKING IN PUBLIC

Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung

Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung - Sprung

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retire to the bar at the end of the day.

Norman, CEO of South African Breweries, shouts to the barman: "In South Africa, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Castle."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud!"

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Bruce, chairman of Fosters is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and a slice of lemon please." The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Norman asks: "Aren't you going to have a Fosters, Bruce?" Bruce looks at them and says "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

ORSM VIDEO

This cowboy was riding his horse out in the middle of nowhere and his horse trips over something. The man gets off his horse checks to see what it was. He notices it's a lamp.  He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out of the lamp. The cowboy pulls out his guns and says to the genie, "If you don't give me three wishes I'm going to kill you right here!" The genie says, "OK I'm not a violent man so I'll grant you your wishes." The cowboy says, "O.K. for my first wish I want a bottle of the best liquor."

The genie snaps his fingers and POOF a bottle of Jack Daniels appears in his saddle bag.  The cowboy says, "OK for my second wish I want $1 million." The genie snaps his fingers again and suddenly $1 million appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "Well I've never been good with the ladies so for my third wish I want a dick the size of my horses."  The genie snaps his fingers and suddenly the crotch of his pants swell.

The cowboy rides off into town and goes to the local saloon.  He gets drunk and starts telling everybody the story and naturally nobody believes him. The cowboy says, "But I got this bottle of liquor right here" The bartender says, "Yeah but you could have got that anywhere!" The cowboy says, "But I've got $1 million right here!" Another cowboy says "Yeah you could have robbed a bank somewhere and got that!" The cowboy says, "Oh yeah! Then where did I get this!" and he unzips his pants and flops his huge dick on the counter.

Another cowboy gets all excited about it and jumps on his horse and rides out to find the lamp.  When he finds it he rubs the lamp and says to the genie "If you don't grant my three wishes I'll kill you!" The genie says "OK go ahead and tell me your wishes."

The second cowboy says "OK for my wishes I want twice as much as the first guy had!  I want two bottles of liquor, $2 million, and I want to have a dick twice as big as my horse's." The genie snaps his fingers and his wishes come true.  The second cowboy rides back to town to tell everybody in the saloon about his story. He gets the same kind of harassment as the first cowboy so he says " Oh yeah! Well how did I get this!?" With that he unzips his pants and everybody in the bar starts to laugh. Just then the second cowboy thought "OH SHIT! I rode my horse BECKY out there!"

RANDOM SHITE
I don't know why people complain about Random Shite. I mean its not as if I don't warn you guys that there may be a few tasteless surprises contained within. I figure if my warnings aren't good enough then my only option it to... not warn. So check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black!"

click here for more

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" asked one. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?""No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OK!?"

click here for more

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

ORSM VIDEO

Click for more awesomeness


Well dudes that's me done and signing off for another week which means just four more updates left for 2007. Brilliant.

Catch U Next Thursday!

- Check out the site archives. They sure are swell.
- Next update will be next Thursday because thats when updates are.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you messages in the middle of the night asking if you want to see his cock. You'll keep declining, because that's not your thing, and eventually he'll call to argue that its not gay to admire another mans penis. He'll never stop either. Never.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy Turkey Day! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.11.15-23.57
click here for more
Porn Stars Like It Big!

Welcome to Orsm.net. Even Ben Cousins thinks you have issues.

What a crazy arse week. It's actually reminded me of the old days when I was learning how to do all this web stuff. Killer hours. Up early and bed late. And why? Well as plenty of you guys have noticed parts of the site have been broken or disappeared for a few days. The reason... one of the sites web servers died.

We actually saw this coming. It had been struggling over the last few weeks, inexplicably doing weird shit and causing us a few headaches. The irony is I was in the process of getting my shit together to replace it but all I can say about that is procrastination is a little bitch and that's how that goes.

To be completely honest though I'm surprised it lasted this long. Every update day you guys absolutely obliterate the poor servers and considering we built them ourselves almost five years ago it's a pretty good run. Imagine holding your car accelerator full piss for 48 hours and then at half that for five days... then do it for five years. Same thing. Anyway we've been working around the clock to get the replacement set up plus another one built and shipped. Videos should be faster than every and everything else should be back to normal over the coming days... with one exception - the site forums. It looks like we don't have a recent back up so until we can get the hard drives shipped home, until we have tried everything, until we can verify once and for all they have catastrophically failed, the forums are going to have to start from scratch. Sorry guys.

On we move... maybe I've just forgotten the last time Australia had a federal election but it's impossible to escape. Everywhere you look it's the big buzz words and sound bytes - 'an education revolution', 'new leadership', Kyoto, 'roll back Work Choices', public hospitals, 'plan to build the economy', climate change, interest rates. Yawn. Give me a fucking break. It's all fluff right? All the policies and promises are meant to keep us distracted from what's really going on. If you break it down, one guy is there for business, the other for trade unions. So who are you with? I'm really starting to think whatever happens, whoever wins, we're all screwed.

Okay on to my weekend... because it was fuller than a fat chicks socks and I know how you guys like to sit behind your keyboard and judge me... like the person who called me a 'misogynist' on my FaceBook Honesty Box. That gave me quite a good laugh... after I looked up what it meant. Obviously written there by some fat dyke bitch but funny nonetheless...

I usually try and keep Fridays to a minimum but my phone started making beepy sounds at half 7 telling me the site was broken. From there it was almost 12 hours straight at the computer until I could stand no more and went outside to give the car a wash. Good way to unwind and all that.

Saturday morning was dog beach. First trip down since it got too cold. Was absolutely picturesque too... warm, clear, flat and not jam-packed either. Afterwards it was home to -you guessed it- camp my arse on the frickin' PC for a few hours trying to get shit sorted. Eventually had to get out of the house again so off I headed to do some shopping and on the way stumbled across a home open. Awesome house. Heaps of space, two years old, home theatre, the lot... and only $300k more than I could possibly afford though! Looks like I'm stuck here for a while...

Sunday was sensational. Forecast was for really, really hot so what better what better way to kick it off then by heading back to the dog beach again. Welcome to chaos this time around. Ten times as many pooches and people but it was so nice down there it didn't matter. By the time I got done it was late morning which left the rest of the day to attack the garden, mow and go on a spider killing rampage. I found some huge ones too... and not the friendly kind either! These were the ones that wait until its dark and stealthily sail through the air as you walk past and lay eggs in your ear drum with out you realising. A few weeks later you wake up screaming as baby spiders devour your brain. True story... I know a guy it happened to.

By the time I finished up and much to my annoyance the car was absolutely filthy. Two trips with the dog, dust from blower-vaccing, parking under a tree etc... out came the bucket and gave it another wash. Yes I am that guy. It was 7pm before I was done which meant enough daylight left to get down to the coast with my camera to shoot some photos. I've been trying to get that one perfect car shot for a while now but usually get beaten by the weather or sidetracked or whatever but Sunday was my day. The light was perfect, I got the right angles and finally have a good desktop wallpaper of my baby... plus a few of the sunset too.

Alright seems I had lots to say this week. The majority of you are just going to scroll past it anyway which means you'll never know my pin number [7876]. Let's get on with the update...

Orsm is now on FaceBook!! Click here to add me as a friend and click here to join the Orsm.net group with all the other cool people.

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Scrag Fight - Just Play It - Boooost!! - Cam Cutie - Deep Anal - Fantastic Bod - Pussy Pounding - Snowing Pussy

Public Flasher - Cam-sational - Pink Angel - Gisele Hotness - Boob Massage - Naughty Gurls - Phone Sex

Got Crash? - 2 Girls 1 Cup - Sophie Howard - Pam Anderson - Lindsays Nips - Orgasm - Breast Fetish - FreakFest

Click for more awesomeness

New Zealand Police this morning found a body floating in Auckland Harbour. The body was that of a male in his early thirties, he was wearing: a bra and womans knickers, an All Black jersey, a tutu, ballet shoes and had a sex toy in his rear passage. Police immediately removed the jersey to save the family from any embarrassment.
--
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"

click here for more

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says: "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are TWO".

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

TOP CRICKET SLEDGES
With Cricket season upon us and everyone trying to beat the Aussies there's no doubt tempers will fray. This is what we miss when they switch the mikes off....

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words "So how's your wife and my kids?" The reply from Botham was "My wife's fine, your kids are retarded".

Daryl Cullinan & Shane Warne
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes)
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?" Eddo Brandes "Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit."

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed "You can't fucking bat." Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl.

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. "Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman "In my culture we just say fuck off."

Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"

James Ormond & Mark Waugh
Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh. Mark Waugh "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England." James Ormond "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."

Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?" Sarwan "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it) "If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!"

Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease playing and missing the first ball. Mark "Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless now." Parore (turning around) "Yeah, that's me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you've married her, you dumb cunt!"

Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall "Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly "I should've kept my legs together, Fred." "So should your mother," he replied.

click here for more

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the Stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!!

So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs. "Gotta love those Italians."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
I'd be lying if I said having no email for four days was a cakewalk. I just about went fucking crackers. Coma patients don't feel that cut off. Thankfully there is still plenty of Reader Mail magic and its sure to titillate and excite. How do I know this? Hellooo... because my titillates are feeling very excited right now...

Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

Megan wrote:
Subject: stray tampon string
About that stray tampon string, I don't think any one girl would be an expert on whether that's a string, but I doubt it is, hey. 1, cause a girl's gotta be pretty retarded to not be able to make sure the string falls inside her underwear and 2, if it was a string it looks like it's hanging pretty far from her snatch. strings aren't THAT long. that said, she coulda been wearing a g so that would explain it.

Chili wrote:
Subject: nice picture from Munich Oktoberfest
Dear Orsm Team, please find a nice picture from the Munich Oktoberfest 2007. I made this picture on Sunday noon - both teen were still in LOVE. Kind regards

Aint young love beautiful? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Reg wrote:
Subject: Range rover Free Rander
the guy must write like how he talks..... Seen on a website ... an Asian guy advertising a Range Rover Free Rander. bet you he pronounces clap as crap and then asks the audience to "...ok everybody... everybody crap for Mr. Lee"

He ruv you rongtime. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Post this
Hey I love your site; I have been in the swinger scene for a few months now up here in the US. I met this skank on the internet she had me fuck her in her ass a month ago. She took my load and all. Well the bitch passed out and I took a cd from her house as a memento and found a pic I think you should post. Thanks mate.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

R L wrote:
Subject: RE: Subject: WIFES ARSE
I Hope this helps, Photoshop does wonders, whenever possible.

Original here. Took me a minute to work it out... -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Priceless Sydney FC supporter
Long time reader, first time e-mailer! Have a look at this winner. This person, along with his mate, decided to act like a tough cunt in Melbourne before the A-League game against the Scum. He assualted a lone MVFC supporter, pushing him into a wall, trying to pick a fight with him. Luckily myself, my mate, and 2 other random blokes, helped him out. I'll let the pic tell the rest of the story. Ain't karma a bitch? :) (Please don't disclose my details. The guy who was assaulted has the wallet. He promised he'll return it . . . minus his $140 "victims of crime" compensation payout! :D)
click to enlarge
click for gallery
dave wrote:
Subject: Moose... a little desperate maybe.
Hey Orsm..... Thought you'd appreciate this. We need to tell you that there was some damage to the statue of the American Bison in front of the house in Big Sky. We did attempt to prevent the damage, throwing stones at, and hitting, the attacker. The attacker could not be dissuaded, and kept up his assault for eight hours. The incident even caused a traffic situation in front of the house. The damage consisted of: 1) The loss of about two inches from the left horn. The broken piece is on the work bench in the garage. 2) Hoof scratches on the side of the Bison. 3) Some chips in the right rear hoof. 4) Blood stains behind the Bison. The statue was also moved eight inches forward. We attempted to center the statue on the pedestal, but to no avail. Thanks for the use of the house. We had a fantastic time.
Micah wrote:
Subject: Pics and ish from where the wife and I have been lately - IsocyanateKustmz
Figured with that title it would be sure to get your attention. The first couple are Hawaii, 5 of the 7 islands. Everything from lava field lagoons to dense jungle to waterfalls. I tried to shoot it all, but I was too busy fucking about. The others are Catalina island off the coast of Californa. Its a nature preserve for the most part but I tried to shoot everything of the city that I could. Enjoy.
click for gallery
Dan wrote:
Subject: Japanese Tow Trucks.
Check this out. If I hadn't seen it I wouldn't believe it. Even the tow trucks come in a compact size. Very clever!
click for gallery
Bloggs wrote:
Subject: HOG's
G'day Mr ORSM. Over here in the Barossa this weekend we played host to the HOG's(Harley Owners Group) of Australia. There were nearly 2000 bikes of all shapes and colour. Here are just a few of the many bikes on display, one with a take on Your name.
click for gallery
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Washington wind storm
On Thursday October 18th Western Washington was hit with a 50+ MPH wind storm. Here are my pictures of the event. After work I made my way down to the Mukilteo Lighthouse Park where I witness the Mukilteo to Clinton ferry taking a pounding.
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: London Eye
I can't remember ever seeing photos on orsm of the London Eye - these were taken in August '03, and you are welcome to use them on the site if you want to!
click for gallery
Mike wrote:
Subject: Munich Party Chicks
Just wanted to show the world, we've got more than the Oktoberfest ^^
click for gallery
Aidsy wrote:
Subject: Bahrain V8 Supercars
Hey there ORSM ... Love your work mate !!!! Being an Aussie living/working in Kuwait i thought i'd get my yearly injection of beer, babes and cars ....... so i got on a plane and headed to Bahrain for the latest round of the V8 Supercars. Heres a few pics i hope you all enjoy ! Cheers.
click for gallery
Reg wrote:
Subject: brisbane trains
Student jumps into a blue suit and hides behind three others while underneath the train seat to avoid the ticketmasters checking tickets on the train traveling into Brisbane, Australia from Surfer's Paradise. Hiliarious video.
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife vids
got this 4 ya no details please
click to enlarge

Mick Dundee wrote:
Subject: Hey Mr orsm
Here's a little video of a cheating skank from Kew NSW. Her name is Belinda. Hope you can use it.

Oh how I look forward to the days when EVERYTHING is in HD. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

Two Kiwis are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store... As yet the store isn't ready... only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent asks, "What're you blokes sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here, mate." Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

ORSM VIDEO

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the Motorway."

"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch." The guy perks up a bit at this.

"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap. "And has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having a new kitchen," replies the man.

click here for more

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

RANDOM SHITE
Words cannot describe. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Richard is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

click here for more

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?".

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar was a skinny little guy who was very, VERY drunk. The guy slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"

The bartender, a close friend of the guy, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again he slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"

The bartender finally approached his friend and said, "Listen my friend, I know it's your business if you want to buy that lady a drink, but how come you keep calling her a Ballerina?""To me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well that is that. Another massive update and from where I sit, a pretty fucking good one so without further a do lets cut too the outro and call it a night...

- Check out the site archives. You can do it!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless you know what happens to the you know whats' again...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get my friend Ray to befriend you. You'll think its going okay at first but by the time you realise he's a person of no character, soulless, lacking of integrity, a Jew, it will be too late. Ray will be your BFF.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get a dog up ya. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.11.08-23.46
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. Dear Peter Garret, you are a complete disgrace and we are embarrassed to know you. You're continual disappointments are no longer a surprise, they're expected. Please do not try to make contact again. Love, Mum & Dad.

What an odd week. I honestly wonder how I ever get anything done sometimes. The phone always rings and someone always wants something. Take a few days earlier this week for instance... mum called for directions, my brother came by because he wanted me to put music on his iPod, sister got me to look through a home open, dad called several times for tech support, a friend needed a spreadsheet formula written, a mate wanted help reinstalling Windows, two people called asking what my sister wants for her birthday, one friend needed a ride to work, and another friend called to get my cleaning lady's phone number. All little things but they all take up time... anywhere from two minutes to two hours and before you know it the day is over.

Honestly could I be any more popular though? Unpossible! My vast skills are in high demand and I should probably just be grateful the wider community hasn't cottoned on to them yet otherwise things would undoubtedly be even worse. Admittedly it does get all a bit annoying, irritating, frustrating but at the very least it's nice to be needed... no matter how much I cringe every time my fucking phone makes a fucking beep.

The curse of daylight savings is upon us once again and I'm already over it. For some reason I just can't adjust and seemingly my overgrown pooch is having the same problems. I'm getting up an hour earlier than I was a few weeks ago, but unable to sleep an hour earlier to make up for it. Basically I'm gaining sunlight [which I could care less about] and losing sleep [which apparently I need?]. The effect is an unsettled, grumpy me during the day.

Sure I could just sleep in that extra hour but you just know some smart arse is going to call at 9.15 and start making cracks about how I sleep all day. Next thing you know every call before 6pm is going to start with "Hope I didn't wake you..."

click here for more

As for the pooch... fuck knows. For a creature that doesn't own a watch she does a stellar job of knowing when its time for 'walkies' but for whatever reason she's started gingerly harassing me an hour earlier than usual. Add to that a voracious sunrise 'woof woof woof' from her every single day too. Why? Crows are why. They land in the backyard and peck at her discarded dinner bones. Doggie no likey.

Moving on... because that's what I do...

My weekend was pretty damn unexciting which is solely attributable to the fact I was pretty damn disinterested. Saturday was just about a mirror copy of the one previous - get up, walk aimlessly around the house, walk directionless around the shops, do some groceries, come home and work for a few hours. Boring, yes.

Sunday was just as sedate. I had planned on hitting the beach to give dog a swim [read: de-stink her] and get some exercise but for whatever reason it just didn't happen. Decided to go for a cruise and play with my camera instead... which as it turns out is only good fun when people aren't giving you dirty looks for standing at a beach holding a long lens where other people may or may not be wearing bikinis. As it turned out I was practicing - trying to get a perfect, freehand shot of a moving boat at 300mm is harder than it looks!

From there it was home to tinker with the reticulation once again. I don't get it... the Sunday before I spent hours pulling every fucking sprinkler head off cleaning and replacing each one and still I couldn't get them work properly. What a difference a week makes though - suddenly and inexplicably all of them are firing 100%.

Orsm is now on FaceBook!! Click here to join the Orsm.net group and click here to add me as a friend!

Okay that's enough crapping on for this week. I've fulfilled my self-imposed mandate to make this site about more than just porn so let's get on with it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Cruise Blocked - Game Time - Too Ugly - Cam Sluts - Err WTF? - Amy Reid - Great Prank - Alba Bikini

Lick Me There - Jiggly Boobs - In The Mud - Dirty Fucking Japs - Impromtu Acapella - Super Tramp - Babes & Guns

Viral Superstars - Almost Roadkill - Girls Kissing - Bubblegum Slut - About Vagina - Daisy - Sexy Nurse - Beatdown

Click for more awesomeness

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more fucking reading!
--
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
--
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

click here for more

A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, "I'll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge". So he takes the young man to a door, and he tells the young man, "Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body." "Inspect her body?" the young man asks. "Yes", replies the Boss, "Check if everything's OK"

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room. "Everything OK?" asks the boss. "Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt." "She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished. "Yes", replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you!". "That's not a prawn, that's her clitoris!", explains the boss. "Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday". Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God.

DEAR GOD, I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE FUCKING BIKE!

click here for more

SKIN TIGHT

Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls

Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls - Race Girls

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
You guys have been a touch on the quiet side this week. Was it something I said? There's still plenty to go around though...

Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

Adam Fick wrote:
Subject: Panasonic Lumix Pics
Hey, just wanted to let you know that the so called "panasonic lumix pics" weren't taken with a shitty ass Panasonic Lumix camera. They were taken by Miguel Lasa. he's got some pretty damn nice pics that deserve some credit rather than this fuckwad trying to pass em off as vacation pics.
FRED wrote:
Subject: Lumix Bird Pics posted by Slayer
Dear Mr.ORSM. Those pictures of an Alaskan Sea Eagle fishing for Salmon were NOT taken by a Lumix Panasonic Camera. A Lumix Panasonic Camera does not have that kind of focal length nor does it have SLR capability which is the ability to capture highly detailed fast action shots such as those. Those pictures were more than likely taken with a professional Canon EOS 30D Digital Camera with a 300mm or 750mm telephoto lens or equivalent, so tell please tell Mr. Slayer to find someone else to fill with his bullshit, the fucking wanker probably does'nt even know how to photograph wild birds far less use a Lumix, tell him to photograph his asshole and see if it can picture the amount of shit in it from now on.
Marc wrote:
Subject: nice work!!!!!!!!!
mate the photo attached was taken in one of the local magistrates courts here in Fiji, what a beauty!!! cheers!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: maybe you can help us out
Howdy, A friend and myself are having a hard time determining if in the attached picture there is a stray tampon string dangling between the girls legs. So instead of argue about it, we decided to send to the one and only, orsm.net and see what the fine fellers who visit this site have to say about it. Thanks and keep up the good work.
click to enlarge
rat wrote:
Subject: The MEAT-Mobile!
Hey Orsm! As virtually all submitters add: Love the site! This car's plates and towbar... "ornament" are a right cracker! And they say that Perth is boring. Ha!
click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: WIFES ARSE
MY WIFE RECKONS SHE'S GOT AN UGLY, FAT ARSE. I DISAGREE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? pls withhold details

Too flat. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Ross wrote:
Subject: Community service poster
No wonder she's smiling. Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.
click to enlarge
Matt wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic
Hey orsm, what crackin? I was following this car trailer on my way to work the other day and noticed something was out of place! The pick up itself is actually a pretty tidy rig, but I guess the builder/owner just can't spell..?! Anyway, keep up the great site, stay safe...
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Dave wrote:
Subject: side boob
We just spent the weekend up in Geraldton putting in some servers in our office up there which was obviously followed by a galactic session in one of the many classy 'Gero' establishments, just take-a-look at these two! I was told that Gero was only inhabited by freaks but these two don't fall into that category! Sadly I've got no memory whatsoever of this pic being taken which would probably explain why I didn't wake up with either of them...
click to enlarge
Naf wrote:
Subject: oops
Apparently the collision was due to thick fog. The belgian mine hunter M915 Aster was seriously damaged during trails on the Western Scheldt. She collided with a hopper. That day there was not much visibility because of the heavy fog. She suffered major damage, luckily it was above the waterline, so there was no need for evacuation. She is not operational though, the repairs are expected to be 4 months and will probably take place in Antwerp.
click for gallery

Tommy wrote:
Subject: A woman trasporting a bicykle
Hello, thanks for a great webpage! A friend of mine is a journalist and he took theese photoes of an norwegian woman transporting a bicykle.

People like this really do exist. Brilliant. No other words for it. -Orsm

click for gallery

Kat wrote:
Subject: hello love!
Hello. It's Kat again, sent you some pics a while back and thought I'd send you some more. Love your site as always and I hope you have a wonderful Halloween! Sorry I have to keep the face cut out.... I'll hopefully be teaching in a couple years ; )

Teach me... please... -Orsm

click for gallery
Sami wrote:
Subject: Across Australia
A few happy snaps from my trip across the country... Kata Tjuta (the Olgas), Uluru (Ayers Rock) 9.2km base walk in an hour & a half - you know what the rock looks like, so I havent bored you with a pic of it, but one pic that show the height, slope & beauty of it. Highlight of the trip was Kings Canyon, where we did a 6.5km walk in 4 hours in 37 degree heat
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: why fuckin with power lines is a bad idea
yeah thats a crane touching the power lines... not a good thing... wait till the end where one of the supports get burnt in half (thats like 3 inch square steel tube)
click to watch video

Mike wrote:
Subject: Turn on SOUND....
Greek Transportation! Enjoy... (translation missing but.. what the heck!)

Translation for her is: "hmmm mmm *lick* mmmh hmm hmmmm *slurp* mmm hmmm". -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!"

ORSM VIDEO

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby volunteer Fire Department from a few towns over, composed mainly of over 65's.

To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these old boys, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed.

Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the fire chief, "the first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!!"

click here for more

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

RANDOM SHITE
Round and round and round it goes. What you'll get next, nobody knows. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

click here for more

ONE TOO MANY

Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk

Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink up, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

PLACES TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE

Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway

Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - Norway - More >>

click here for more

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She asks. "No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write It down!" she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" So off he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"

ORSM VIDEO


Well... that's all I got... and it's been a loooong day so lets cut straight to it...

- Check out the site archives. That's what they're there for....
- Next update will be next Thursday. Sixth last for 07, baby!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go around telling everyone that you're really voting for Kevin Rudd...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP George Grljusich. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2007.11.01-23.11
Hook up with hotties at Fling!

Welcome to Orsm.net. So is your face.

I don't want to sound like I'm counting down the days or anything but -baby- just seven more updates [after this one] left for the year! Woooo! Forget Christmas, New Years and all the other crap... the most important thing here is the magical week off. Why? Because that is MY week.

I look forward to it all year and do exactly what I want, when I want. I don't have to answer the phone, go anywhere, work, check email, sleep, shower, nothing. Basically all the shit I'm obligated to do or feel like I'm obligated to do can get fucked. If I want to play video games for days on end then I'm going to. If I feel like going for an all day cruise, I will. Sit around watching DVD's in my jocks - no problem. It's my chance to detox from the year gone by and psych myself up for the year ahead... and its in sight!

Moving on... I watched about 14 seconds of 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?' last night before Rove annoyed me so much I had to walk away. Someone should make a show called 'Are You More Annoying than Rove?' with a $20M prize - the beauty for the producers is that no-one could ever win.

Anyway back to what I was saying, as I understood it, the adults have to answer questions derived from what the kids would find in their school text books. Sounds simple enough but the adults must be either stupid or playing stupid and if that's the case, doesn't this annoying cunt of a show just teach kids that there's no point working hard in school because all the crap you learn now you're just going to forget and won't be of use to you anyway? Because that's kind of how it seems...

My weekend was a touch on the uneventful side. I got up and moving relatively early Saturday, surfed the web for a while and walked around the house contemplating how to spend my day before settling on shopping. So off I went thinking 10am would be early enough to beat the rush. Wrong. So much for 'it doesn't get busy until after 11'.

Click here to see more Cassidey

This is probably all attributable to sports season being over - football has finished and cricket hasn't started so all the dads, boyfriends etc have lost their excuses to stay away. The same for kids and weekend sports. When that's off they all flock to the shopping centres to suck down Boost Juices and shoplift from Big W. There's also probably something to be said for the group that had nothing better to do so decided to get there early and beat the rush...

The other issue, and its always an issue, is parking. I'm a paranoid parker. If the parking spot isn't wide enough to get my car in with breathing room, if the cars either side overlap the lines, if there's the slightest chance I'm going to cop dents from inconsiderate arseholes opening their doors into my baby then I'll keep lapping until I find a bay that meets all the criteria. Would most people consider this abnormal? Probably. Do I have mental health issues? Most likely. Do I care? Not at all.

Once I got done the next few hours were spent relaxing and reacquainting my arse with the couch. I'd planned to continue the bedroom painting thing but it's at a standstill until I decide what colour to paint the wall. Yes that's correct... so little faith do I have in my colour choosing abilities I can't continue.

We were supposed to do the Gay Pride Parade that night... and before you even say it - no it was NOT going to involve me on my knees going for broke with some guy called Stefan. Not that I have a problem with guys that love the cock or chicks that munch rug... I just prefer to laugh at and heckle people that are different to me. Unfortunately didn't happen though... the weather was terrible and I really couldn't be bothered standing in pouring rain and bitter cold just to laugh at them and thus feel better about myself...

Have you added me on FaceBook yet? Click here to join the Orsm.net group and click here to add me as a friend!

Okay I should probably get on with it because there's a shit load crammed into this week's update that you're all probably eager to attack. Right up until the last minute stuff was being chopped and changed and added all because lets face it - there wouldn't be much point putting in this many hours if I wasn't going to do it properly. Right? That's just the kind of guy I am - it's all to do with ePenis. True story. Look it up if you don't believe me...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Cruise Blocked - Game Time - Too Ugly - Cam Sluts - Err WTF? - Amy Reid - Great Prank - Alba - Pussy Cakes

Lick Me There - Jiggly Boobs - In The Mud - Dirty Fucking Japs - Impromtu Acapella - Super Tramp - Babes & Guns

Viral Superstars - Almost Roadkill - Girls Kissing - Bubblegum Slut - About Vagina - Daisy - Sexy Nurse - Beatdown

Click for more awesomeness

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathised his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had though."
--
Why is light beer like going down on your sister? It tastes the same, but its just wrong.
--
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day." "Really?!" says the bartender, "How?" "Very simple. Just pour full glasses.

click here for more

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilogram of fresh liver.

She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid." She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table...

"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON! Love You, Bill. (P.S. Your cunt's in the sink)"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whaddaya got in the bag?" The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.

Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: "Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.

The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says: "I want a million bucks."

So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."

To this the man responded: "No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!"

click here for more

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
This is a good time of the year for Reader Mail. The quality tends to spike way up there and we end up with some cool shit that you can forward to all your friends and take credit for...

You didn't have to be a genius to realise that the fuel tank email which was posted in last weeks RM would attract a few responses which you guys can read here. For the record I didn't care enough to walk the ten metres and go check my own car!

Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

Paul wrote:
Subject: elephant in the tree nest...
When I was a young bloke, I came across a book called 101 elephant Jokes, while fossicking through some toys we'd found while wandering through a laneway in footscray, (back in the day you could do this without being molested or attacked by drug fiends), which to this day I still own. One of the jokes was this: Why do elephants wear sneakers? So they don't disturb their neighbours when they jump from tree to tree... It always puzzled me because I knew that elephants didn't live in trees. I now stand corrected and thank you for enlightening me... I can move onto the other things that have puzzled me, like, why do elephants have wrinkly knees, my prior experience tells me it's because they play Marbles too much, but surely that can't be true, If you get a pic of that, I'll post a pic of me in my mankini, hehehe.

Gary wrote:
Subject: Cool Blog
Hi Mate, Thank you for the entertaining site? I have started a blog commentating on my views of the crap we read and see on the news in South Africa. If you think any of your readers may be interested it can be found at Serious Perspectives.

Quite an interesting read. -Orsm

Sparky wrote:
Subject: Iraq Pictures
Hi Orsm. Just a short note, last weeks pics of the Yank truck that hit the 500 pound road side bomb. Bloody Hell, typical Yanks. They reinvent the wheel and then claim all the glory. I write from Namibia and the technology that the Yanks have now eventually cottened on to, is old hat. We had that technology 30 years ago. The South Africans perfected the anti-landmine vehicle. We can talk about the Buffel, Hippo, & to an extent the Ratel & many more other hybrids. The vehicles that are quoted were our saviours in the 70's & 80's and are still here today. I must admit that the Yank propaganda machine is somewhat limp. HELLO. Catch a wake up call. Thanks for the site, absoluteley Gr8. Keep up the good work.
mike wrote:
Subject: Who said LSU fans have no class?
HAHAHAHA Saw this and thought of you instantly!!!! If I would have had that made up, Id' have added "Saban and" [Saban = coach] to it! LOL. The front of the shirt reads "Auburn Sucks."
click to enlarge

bestbets wrote:
Subject: oktoberfest
gotta love the oktoberfest! enjoy! greetings from Munich

Yes... you gotta. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Rhett wrote:
Subject: Worst birthday ever!!!
So I started my 22nd birthday with a shit day at work, you know the one when nothing goes right... Then a few hours after work, giving my mate a lift to pick up his car (who forgot it was my bday) I was on my phone arranging drinks for that nite when i turned down a 'no left turn between 4 & 6pm', Fukin pigs were doin a blitz there so i got done for talkin on my phone and turning the corner.... $465 in total! And to top it off, had a few too many and some how a race to the next pub saw me tripping over my own feet and face planting into the pavement.... Awoke to one of the worst smelling piles
of puke in my bathroom sink.... RESPECT
Kevin wrote:
Subject: got another funny pic for you
I was walking downtown Toronto near Chinatown and I ran across this sign and thought it was funny due to the WTF. I'm not sure if they made the company name knowing what WTF stood for. Either way it is funny for everyone walking by.
click to enlarge
Reg wrote:
Subject: batteries for sale
IVE Seen it all now.. advertised on the net. this clown has a packet of batteries for sale i think. heres an advert i spotted. hes used 3 batteries from the packet but willing to sell for $10 the packet
click to enlarge
Nik wrote:
Subject: Lightning storm in canberra
Hi Orsm, Just got a new camera (Panasonic Lumix TZ3) in the U.S. and I thought I'd try it out on a storm we had in Canberra on Sunday night. For a small digital I think it got some pretty good results on the time delays. These were taken from our apartment balcony - on the top floor, 14 storeys up. You can see black mountain tower, parliament house and the defence precinct in these. Hope you like them - please hide my email addy if they go up!
click for gallery
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Slayer wrote:
Subject: Nice Birds
Hey Orsm, don't know if your interested in these kind of things but heres 2 pics I took on my honeymoon with my new "Panasonic Lumix " (fantastic camera! ). Anyway hope to see them posted ill send more soon laters.

Two emails saying how good the Lumix is... very, very odd. I could be skeptical and start wondering if this is a sly attempt by Panasonic to advertise their products. If thats the case then please send me one for review! -Orsm

Asa wrote:
Subject: CROCODILES
Croc caught near tete in Mozambique.

Well fed by the looks. -Orsm

click for gallery
Sami wrote:
Subject: Wheelie
Ultimate Tonka Wheelie... Not bad for a dump truck!
click for gallery

xitz wrote:
Subject: Britain's Behemoth Submarine
Britain launches massive sub that can hear a ship from across the Atlantic. She is four years late and a massive 900 million over-budget. (Wonder what Total Cost is?) but when the Royal Navy's super-sub HMS Astute finally arrived, she made for an awesome sight.

click for gallery

Mitch wrote:
Subject: PD:
I think you may like it. Picture and movie of the busty chick from Poland. Cheers

Poland should be proud! -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Socal Fires
Yo Orsm! Here's a video of the Super Scooper planes reloading in a lake in an upscale area of Southern Cal about 20 miles from Malibu Fire.
click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

Spring had arrived and the old Italian man wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie.

ORSM VIDEO

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The insurance clerk says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the situation is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which test is your Wife's."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, we could do that. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test again until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of town... if she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

click here for more

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

RANDOM SHITE
Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shit... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, fuck off!"

click here for more

OLD AMERICAN GAS STATIONS

Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden

Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden - Olden

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

ORSM VIDEO


Well thats it. Lets skip the outro and casual segue and jump right to...

- Check out the site archives. Because *I* said so.
- Next update will be next Thursday. And for the next 6 Thursdays after that... until the Christmas break. Excited? I am!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will message you on MSN once a day to call you a sell-out, homeless, Jew fuck, with a small cock, no friends and a rampant drug problem... just like his dad does to him.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't dye. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

orsmfeatured
orsmlinkage
orsmorsmness
moreorsmness