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November 2008...
 
orsmupdate 2008.11.27-2three.forty8
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Dinner at my place tomorrow. You're all invited. I'm cooking.

SOMEHOW... this is update 47 for the year. Mental but it does mean only three more until my work year is officially over and staring down the barrel of December as we are I'm sure it'll pass damn quickly. Fine by me - I need a break from the PC more than words can describe.

I sometimes wonder if things have always been like this or if I've just reached the age where things are clearer to me. I used to be more tolerant and go with the flow but it seems that people deliberately go out of their way to be stupid, impose their conservative views on a progressive society, and generally make life less fun. We shouldn't always be looking over our shoulders for the politically correct police.

Take for instance the retarded minister here in little old Western Australia this week who got her face on TV by proposing that smoking should be banned in cars with kids onboard, in beer gardens and alfresco areas. When asked when she was last in a pub she could not remember - it had been so long. Fuck me. Seriously fuck me. Another out-of-touch do-gooder over reaching and missing the point.

I agree with people not being able to light up indoors and let's face it, if parents are stupid enough to smoke around kids then those kids have bigger problems to worry about but not being able to puff away outside is just ridiculous. What's that? Oh you don't like the smoke out here? Fuck off back inside then! There was also the suggestion that smoking should be prescription only. That means you would have to see a doctor who would authorise you to buy smokes from the chemist. It's pretty safe to say there isn't a single person on earth that doesn't know 'smoking kills' so if they make the choice to do so, why not let them?

Australia is turning into an over governed shit hole. Speed or do a burnout - say goodbye to your car. Consume alcohol at the beach - fine and confiscation. Smoke in a public place - taken out the back and beaten. Look at porn online - sorry the gov blocked it. In 50, 100, 200 years time people are going to look back and wonder where it all went wrong. Think Equilibrium, THX 1138, Logan's Run...

Moving on... for at least the last year I've been putting off relatively brainless task for the relatively brainless reason that I didn't want to do it. What was it? Mulching. For those of you who don't have a big fat green thumb, mulching involves piling mounds of decomposing tree and soil matter upon garden beds to a) retain water thus reducing usage; b) improve aesthetics; and c) stop the fucking weeds. The latter obviously being the most important.

So I jumped on the phone and ordered a two cubic metres, roughly three trailer loads, and according to the guy approximately two tonnes. I have my doubts about that though... only felt like 1.8 or 1.9 to me. Anyway I started the madness Friday night after it was dumped on the front lawn. Barrow by barrow onto the garden until it was too dark and then fired up again first thing the next day. Come early afternoon and following a trip to get even more after running out, pretty much anywhere there was sand was now covered in a generous layer of black mulch.

That hopefully brings to an end for the next couple of months anything garden related. Some of you are probably wondering why bother - why not just let it grow. Admittedly this old piece of shit house I call home probably no one would notice but I just cannot bring myself to let it run wild. The [read: my] first car mentality applies. Yes its old, yes it's a piece of crap that leaks oil and blows smoke but giving it a wash every now and then makes it feel not so bad.

Okay that pretty much brings to an end the riveting social commentary and 'my life' portion of the update so let's get on with all the cool shit. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Beautiful Butt - Let's Play - Funny Bitch - Most Annoying - Cool Of Duty - Sharapova Nude - Christina - Mega Nips

Ogle Olga - Emo Fags - Cam Sluts - Perfect Bod - Tot to Hot - Remember Winnie? - I'm Hurcules - She Squirts!

Andie Valentino - Comedy Genius - Psycho Twit - Great Prank - Self Ownage - Oh Fuck! - Rhi's Tata's - I'd Date Him

A guy was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love doing. "Really enjoying that huh?" he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" She replied, "Because I really miss mine."
--
How do you know when you're dating a hard bitch? When you ask her for a blow job she replies "Nah I'm too tired - just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning".
--
A little girl asked her father: "Daddy how did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and mum said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."
--
These two queers were walking along on the sidewalk and see this dog lying on the ground licking its balls. One queer says, "Gee, that looks fun." The other says, "Go ahead, he looks friendly to me."

ORSM VIDEO

BONUS COOL SHIT: Deep Dicking - Touch My Body - Weeeee! - Nurried - Parkour Chick - Metal Monk

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters." "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia. "Well," said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush." "Right." Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Rudd to the bartender, "Two middies of your best beer." "Good afternoon Leader," said the bartender, "Two middies of our best coming up." Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me," said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no!" said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!"

MEANWHILE... BACK AT HEATHER AND LELA'S...
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No Clean Feed - Stop Internet Censorship in Australia

RULES FOR CALLING AN AMBO

1. Don't greet us with the words "you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "You'll need a calculator"? No... then fuck off!

2. If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Getting someone to stand outside to wave us down (see point 3). Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying "I'm in Newcastle" does NOT help.

3. If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.

4. If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as hell get yourself downstairs.

5. Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

6. If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it in my fucking ambulance.

7. Don't even fucking THINK about hitting me. I hit back. Harder. And I can kill you and leave no trace.

8. Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive ******.

9. Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt. And will causally remark to some of their sources inside that you are a kiddie fiddler.

10. Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother." Trust me, be a bother, that's what we are actually here for (this is probably the most serious point - if you have chest pain, call 000 for fuck's sake!

11. If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins.

12. If you've taken drugs, tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

13. Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 15 shots of sambuca, do not tell us her drink has been spiked. Your friend looks like something the Japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it.

14. Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence.

15. If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may also be your last.

16. Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive big vans, not the starship enterprise.

17. If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea... tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.

18. We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off.

19. If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.

20. We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad bastard temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet. The foreman is really impressed with the good ol" boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator.

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!

The foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?" When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That thar's the front", the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!" He got the job and is now the foreman.

WHEN VANDALISM GETS FUNNY
click for gallery

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you the extra 50% because you managed to do all of it through the exhaust".

SPRINGBREAK WET T COMP
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ORSM VIDEO
The mail bag gets a rest this week. Thanks Giving usually makes shit a tad quieter so I decided to take advantage of it and lighten the load. Mail will of course return next Thursday so if you have something/anything to contribute then it's time to open a new email and start with the words "Hey Orsm, been reading for years but never got around to emailing you...". Check 'em...

Click for more awesomeness

WTF JESUS?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial
.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

 
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

There was also 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 1 conclusive reason that Orsm IS Jesus:
1. He has a massive penis that makes all the women say 'Oh my God!'

ORSM VIDEO

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and savour the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie. For some, it's a little more complicated.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added. "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um... well..." I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"

Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well... um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

HOLY HAPPY HANNAH HILTON HOTNESS
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RANDOM SHITE
With Christmas approaching and the prospect of presents I've decided to butter you guys up by doing another huge RS. So basically I scratch your back... you spend over $500 buying me a really cool gift. Got it? Good. Now check it...

click for gallery

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A pastor put together what he thought was a great sermon on heaven.  As part of the theme, the pastor would occasionally shout, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

After awhile, the worshipers started getting into the theme and nod their head in agreement.  To punctuate his sermon he would occasionally shout, "Do you want to go to heaven? The congregation eventually started responding with a resounding, "Yes" in unison.

As the sermon continued, the preacher noticed one little old lady near the front was sitting still and not responding. Several more times he shouted, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Everyone else responded excitedly, "Yes."

After the sermon the preacher thought maybe he should talk to the lady about her lack of enthusiasm.  As she came by to shake his hand on her way out the door the preacher said, "I couldn't help but notice you didn't say 'yes' when I asked everyone if they wanted to go to heaven. Is there a problem?"

The lady said, "No, as excited as you were getting I was just afraid you were getting a bus load together to go today."

PUMPED PUSSY
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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of "Clits Illustrated." He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, and says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

ORSM VIDEO


And that ladies and gentleman is a wrap. *I* think this week's effort was pretty damn good but if you think otherwise then please let me know. I'll be sure to track you down at work and give you shit for overcooking the fries. But in the mean time...

- Check out the site archives. To catch up on the million or so previous updates I've cranked out.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Why Thursday? I have no idea... that's just when they are and always have been. We've come to far to change the day.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait until you're juuuust about to take delivery of your brand new car. The car you've always wanted. Your dream car. And right in the final minutes, after you've done the pre-delivery inspection, after the paper work is almost done, when the first drive anticipation is absolutely killing you... Ray will knock back your finance.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I hope we can still be friends. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.11.20-23.20
It doesn't get any hotter

Welcome to Orsm.net. Sweet AND salty.

What is it about full moons that makes people flip the fuck out? We had a string of them last week and there was a noticeable air of craziness. I of course remained stable and unaffected but out in the real world people were just acting all cuckoo. From a cunt checkout operator who accused me with her eyes of being broke because my card wouldn't work [the bank was having issues] to the cunt truck driver tail-gating me so closely his balls were rubbing against my neck to the hostile pub patrons on the town Saturday night. Sort of like everyone was coming down from a huge Coke bender all in their own special way. Makes me think that sometimes when people get knifed/shot/stabbed/bashed they may have deserved it....

Moving on... no doubt mentioned this before but there are two things I absolutely fucking hate shopping for. Shoes are one. So much so that I'll wear the ones I have until they are literally unwearable. The other is sunglasses. I don't trust my judgement so unless I've managed to coerce some poor friend into coming along with me it just doesn't happen. Anyway, a few weeks ago I managed to do just that. Found a pair I liked, that apparently didn't look completely stupid on me, got quoted a good price and right as I was about to whip out the plastic it occurred to me that I hadn't procrastinated nearly enough.

So I went back a week later to buy but they'd been sold. This is where it got hard. The ring around - countless calls to countless stores trying to track them down. Most places didn't have them but the ones that did flatly refused to budge from 100% full retail price. Err no. In these glorious days of internet shopping I'll never cough full retail on anything and especially not when I was quoted 20% off two weeks earlier.

The most disgusting part of this exercise was discovering the collusion that goes on between the sunglass stores. Every single retailer was within five cents of each other on price... and they will not move a skerrick on that price... unless you've been quoted cheaper elsewhere. Come again? All asked what price I'd been quoted and from where at which point they would jump on the phone, call that store and verify if they quoted the price or not. What they call price matching is actually price FIXING. Can anyone say 'breaking the law'? Dodgy fuckers.

The biggest idiot was the guy with three pairs in stock who told me he wouldn't move on retail price due to the 'recession'. I asked if he was happy making no sale at all. Turns out he was. Smart business man that one. He'll go far.

Thing is I was prepared to pay more for them locally than I could get them for online. Reason being the online ones were only available from overseas so the money that would otherwise have gone into the local, flailing sunglass store now goes overseas.

Okay enough drivel. Not that anyone is reading it... I know that pretty much all of you probably scrolled straight past my blog so I could say almost anything here and no one would ever know... shit like how I'm not gay but get off to gay porn... or that I have a really, really small penis... or that I think Back Street Boys 'Everybody' is a great song... or that I pick my nose. And with that - check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Touching Softly - Tasty Teen - Game Time - Killer Boobs - Sexy Nikki - LOL-arious - Scarlett - Party Girls - Hogtied

Greek Godess - Peel My Banana - Fucking Pain! - Footy Wives - The Rules - PETA Psycho - CostaRican Hoe

Beer Bongs - Butch Bitches - Awesomeness - Gotta Hurt - Superhero Babes - Rivetting - Vicki's Models - Roller Fail

If you listen to the liberal media, you will hear them ranting and raving about the historic events surrounding the inauguration of Barack Obama as the first black president... this is really pure BS. I don't see what the BIG deal is?!!! When January 20, 2009 rolls around... it'll just be another black family moving into government housing!!
--
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole fucking bed by the looks of it!"
--
The other day, Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. She hit him over the head when he came back with 'A Fish Called Wanda'.
--
Ralph and Mary just got to bed one evening. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other arsehole using my stuff..." "What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"

ORSM VIDEO

BONUS VIDEO: Xyla-cat - Definitely Gay - Evil Kangaroo - Gaymann's Ear - Dating Dorks - 'Was Not Aware'

A REAL BUSH PILOT
This is a copy of a letter from a guy who lives out the back of Broken Hill.

Phil. Hi Mate, I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilots licence back (you keep telling me you got all the right contacts, well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate). But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA (Commonwealth Aviation Authority) Examiner.

On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA dickhead) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the ALA (Authorised Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than that strip, despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip (it's not really a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down the strip, you're usually still on the ground).

For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two.

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks - in fact they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd.

After a bit of a chase, I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172.

We climbed aboard but Ron started gettin' into me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit - particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground, so it's bloody pointless trying to secure them, as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded that I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's OK. However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right.

"Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I thought. While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word - at least, not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off ... "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

... continues here.

LICHELLE MARIE
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No Clean Feed - Stop Internet Censorship in Australia

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY
 
CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.

A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

CELEBRITY SIDE BOOB
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PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)

BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS [GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA]
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.

WINE - BOTTLED, NOT CASK
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

SPIRITS - CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you're in.

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS & SLAMMERS - TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...

SPIRITS - JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard.
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they'll think you're a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!

IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

CIDER
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He's old, likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

WINE
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

GROUNDED
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
This week's RM is simply ginormous. More cool shit than you'll find on the rest of the internet combined and far, FAR less annoying than Andre Rieu. The whole 'Dear Red States' thing got a few responses too. Some witty, some not. You can read the ones that were worth reading here.

For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

Megan wrote:
Subject: Net filtering
Even though there isn't an opt-out option, apparently there are 2 filtering types: one that blocks all content unsuitable for children and one that blocks only illegal content. So hopefully there's still some hope (if in fact it's true). Either way the idea stinks because 1- forcing all Australians to not visit LEGAL sites is removing our personal liberty and that's bloody well not on, and 2- it's sending the message to parents that "You don't need to take responsibility for your children's internet usage, we'll just do it for you at the expense of the whole fucking country". Douchbags.

AND there's evidence that even the best whatever-the-fuck-its-called (filtering software?) censors things that shouldn't be censored. The public hates the idea and the software isn't even accurate. What fucking idiots.

AND child porn isn't even available via a regular internet site! It's all in private p2p networks that the filter can't censor anyway! So basically people who want to can still access the illegal content while the rest of us law-abiding citizens are censored! I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY. Fuck you Rudd.

Me wrote:
Subject: Australian Censorship
Hey! What seems to me to be more of a threat than internet porn is the little girlies showing their nasty bits to the little boys in person. After all, my first glimpse of pink was in a classroom, under a table, when teacher was not looking, from a little girl named Ellen who liked playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours".

The best way I can see to block access to this sort of thing would have to be some sort of mandatory locking underwear fitted to anyone under the age of 18, or possibly 21. It could even be set to explode on tampering, removing said naughty bits from view permanently. This would also have the added benefit of preventing child molestation by making the object of a pedophile's desire unattainable without (or by, in some cases) destroying that very object. Quite possibly we would have to block their little mouths, as well, but that will remain on the "to do" list for the present. The sooner we implement this personal porn filter on any and all children, the sooner we protect them from themselves.

It is entirely possible that the youngsters would devise ways to work around the filter, such as drawing their nasty parts and showing each other, but the mandatory mittens and handcuffs should slow this down as well. In 18-21 years we will have raised a new, clean generation, completely incapable of sexual reproduction. Everybody wins! I am not an Australian, but I sympathize with those who can't bear to think that little Johnny will view a vagina before the age of consent. Possibly we should just blind the precious little muffins instead, thereby precluding the possibility that they should become impure before they learn to even drive or drink whiskey. Of course, some unenlightened "parents", if they may be called such, may object, but it is for the good of the child, which must ALWAYS come first. It is, after all, the greatest danger these children will ever face, and removing it by possibly even removing said nasty parts from the children themselves will undoubtedly save their little souls from the tortures of hell, or whatever other unthinkable fate awaits those who view vaginas, breasts and such.

Of course, breast feeding is out, as is urinating in any but the strictest of controlled circumstances. We can cork and clamp their little dinguses and wee-wees, thereby preventing the possibility of unauthorized elimination in questionable surroundings. The benefits so far outweigh the possible costs that any right minded citizen must agree it is to be done forthwith. Only when we remove the root cause of these problems will our children be safe from themselves. Get it together, Australia! If you want to lead in the worldwide war on porn, gain the forefront by removing sex organs from all babies at birth. We have the technology to asexually clone the next generation, now let us use it. Lord only knows it is a small price to pay to keep our little snowflakes pure.

The sad thing is that at some point, some moron minister or issues group is going to come along and try pushing through even more extreme measures. How long until internet access is restricted to commercial use only? The do-gooders of the world need to accept that people are always going to get hurt/killed/abused/upset/ridiculed/whatever. It happened even before we knew what the internet was and no amount of nannying and protecting us from ourselves will ever stop it. -Orsm

Tim wrote:
Subject: Hotel Soiftel toilets
These dunnies are open to the public, just take the lift up to the 33rd floor (atrium) from the driveway at 25 Collins St. There is a pool on one of the buildings below it, but I have only ever seen one couple making out there. You can see the footy/cricket at the MCG from there. Spend the money you would have spent going up to the Rialto/Eureka tower in a pub somewhere instead.

Mark wrote:
Subject: Great email address.
This was in my letterbox today. An outstanding effort, I'm sure you'll agree. Could only be improved if it was petertherapist.

Surely, SURELY not...? Brilliant. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
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Sean wrote:
Subject: California's Prop 8
Greetings,  First time, long time, yada, yada, yada. Prop. 8 was put on the November voting ballot, this being the text: This initiative measure is submitted to the people in accordance with the provisions of Article II, Section 8, of the California Constitution. This initiative measure expressly amends the California Constitution by adding a section thereto; therefore, new provisions proposed to be added are printed in italic type to indicate that they are new. SECTION 1. Title. This measure shall be known and may be cited as the “California Marriage Protection Act.” SECTION 2. Section 7.5 is added to Article I of the California Constitution, to read: SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. And here's how a pic showing how I feel about that
mike wrote:
Subject: seen yesterday on youtube!
think its funny ;) post it, would be great. - love your site. best greetings,
click to enlarge
Nathan wrote:
Subject: cool pic for the site
dunno why I never thought of sending this before, but been reading the site for years, blah blah blah. Took this December 9, 2006 near Titusville, FL. of the Space Shuttle taking off for the last night launch before yesterday.
click to enlarge

Biffo wrote:
Subject: Burger king
Thought you might like this sign failure pic. Thats the bit I always throw out of my burger!

For the record... if that were in Australia it would say 'GRY JAC'... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Steve wrote:
Subject: Christmas - Broome style
G'day Mr Orsm, Beaut web site keep it up. Here are some photos of Broome locals getting into the Christmas Spirit & V.B.Hope you can put them to good use. It's good to see that you're a West Coast supporter, Go the Eagles!! Kennedy Hill mob gettin into the spirit,..........oh and the VB. Only 5 Weeks till Christmas, so here is a little Christmas spirit to help you get into it ....... GET THE FLAGON OUT BRUDDDAH !! IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS

click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Hi from the Canadian West Coast!! Love your site..check all the weekly updates. I wore this shirt to the bar last week, got more laughs from the girls than from the dudes.... please hold my info....
click to enlarge
Andrew wrote:
Subject: brissy storm photos..
Here's some amazing photo's from Brisbane's storms over the weekend. Hide my details thanks..
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: this weeks girls kissing
I recognized the first pic from girls kissing. Had few more pics of those two rolling around my computer, and thought I'd share. please hide my details

Excellent. Truly. -Orsm

click for gallery
Iain wrote:
Subject: Next time.....
Next time, I'll take the pictures............ YOU can let the bear out!!!
click for gallery

bill wrote:
Subject: Hole punch
Hope Downs new 777, good way for letting the air out of new tyres.

Got a bicycle repair kit around here somewhere if you want it...? Let me know. -Orsm

click for gallery

Alex wrote:
Subject: Emailing
History of Presidential Limos

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cars aren't the reason to goto SEMA...
First off... great site! I love that it's updated every Thursday like clockwork, and the content kicks ass! I do have one little issue though... the SEMA show isn't really about the cars. It's about the ladies! I've attached a couple of picks of some cars too... if that's your kind of thing... Hide my info please... just in case the ladies come a lookin... Peace!
click for gallery
Phillip wrote:
Subject: Last night's car crash - awesome photos!
Hiya, I was riding along Great Eastern Highway in Cloverdale at about 9:30pm last night and came across a car crash scene. A BMW had left the road, taken out a power pole and then caught fire. It was an interesting little inferno. Apparently no one was badly hurt. One of the fire brigade guys mentioned something about the driver being done for pissy driving. Oops, that will mean no insurance.
click for gallery
click for gallery click to enlarge

Billy wrote:
Subject: Ex GF pics/videos
Here is some pics of ex gf hide my info.

Girls... this is how to please your man. -Orsm

cunnox wrote:
Subject: OMG, is all I could say! but i wish i had a mum and dad like them.
The £100,000 white wedding for the 16-year-old girl who lives in a caravan. What Daddy's little girl wants Daddy's little girl gets. So when Missy Quinn insisted on a big white wedding with her boyfriend, her father said Yes. It didn't matter that she was only 16 and the groom 17. Daddy also said Yes to a £16,000 wedding dress (which looked suspiciously like a crop top and skirt) and Yes to 150 guests at the reception. Then there were the cars, the hotels, the tiara and the £500 bouquet.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: FT201 v Skippy
Cop Car vs. Skippy. Hide the details..thanks.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chick Picks
Hey Mate, big fan of the site, love all you do.  Here's some pics of a chick I hooked up with on a business trip.  Not too bad, had "F" cup fake boobs, and not a bad lay. Just wanted to finally give back to the site that has given me so much.  Please hide my detals. Thanks.

Not too bad for an oldie! -Orsm

click for gallery

Byron wrote:
Subject: Mad Bike Burnout
Hey mate check this burnout out!

And that ladies and gentleman is how its done. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

As a young Priest in Whyalla, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the bush and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologised to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come' the workers began to say 'Amen. Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'. The fervour of these men truly inspired me.

So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

LELA STAR
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

RANDOM SHITE
You dudes have had it far too good for far too long. You know what that means dontcha? Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A Texan walked into a brothel in New Orleans and bellied up to the bar.

"M name is John. Everyone calls me Big Bad John. I come from Texas, ladies and gents. I'm six foot four and 225 pounds of dynamite. And I want me the best dang whore in the place."

The madam calls over Dallas Rose, her best girl and sends them upstairs to one of the rooms.

When they were undressing, he went through his Big Bad John routine again.

A few minutes later Dallas Rose comes running madly down the stairs shouting, "Run, run for your lives. There's 225 pounds of dynamite upstairs with a two inch fuse!"

MOTORCYCLE CRAZY
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and    I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:

"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa... go home! You're drunk!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

- Check out the site archives. Go onnnn...
- Next update will be next Thursday. And not a moment before!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get kind of annoyed.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Birthday Ray. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.11.13-23.56
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Damn tootin'.

How goes it dudes? You all good? Upbeat? Happy? Inexplicably jubilant? Riding the Redbull train? Same same.

Feels more and more like the net is closing and at some point it's going to be bye-bye to Orsm.net for Aussies. Obviously I don't know for sure that Orsm will be filtered/blocked by the all-knowing overlords [read: federal governments] mandatory porn filter but knowing how these things go and how utterly retarded those behind this are, I would say Orsm is a good chance to disappear. And just in case you don't understand - ALL internet users in Australia will be filtered. No if's or but's.

What I find most ridiculous is that I've not spoken to one single person who thinks it a good idea. Where are you all? If you support having your internet filtered, without any way to opt out then 1) please email me to explain why and 2) kill yourself. If this really is all about protecting kids then parents should accept some responsibility and monitor what they are looking at online.

Okay let's talk about me and what I've been up to... this is after all called ORSM.net so it kind of makes sense right? Anyway this week you guys get a weekend rundown because I really can't be bothered trying to make everyone think I'm smart by delivering a riveting, well thought out social commentary. So...

Let's start with Sunday. With the sun shining it was time to hit the beach for the first time since the warm weather ended way back when. So off we went with dogs in tow for a couple of hours to lap it up. Damn good to get back on the sand and the occasional bikini didn't hurt either. Honestly it didn't...

It was 11am by the time I got home and time to attack the garden for an hour... or so I thought. What started as "I'll just quickly trim that" turned into an all out onslaught - man versus garden. Coincidentally something which was made all the more difficult by lack of suitable tools. That's not because I don't OWN any... no no... over the last few years I've acquired just about everything one could ever need. And then a few months ago some friends bought a house and have since ever so casually dropped by on weekends to 'borrow' just about all of it. From blower-vac to shovels to saws... you name it - all gone. Fuckers.

So I call... "Hi. Have you got all my tools?" "Yup... but we're not home so...". Fuckers. What I was left with was an extremely old, extremely rusted, extremely blunt hand saw that couldn't cut a melted shit but with no other options I muscled on and just about killed myself doing so. The best part though was right when I'd almost finished, right after all the hard shit was done, right when trees and branches the size of small countries had been felled, my next-door neighbour pokes his head over the fence and says "Hey do you want to borrow my chainsaw?"...

Eight hours later I was done - sunburnt, sore and tired but the result was all worth it and I'd killed literally dozens of spiders in the process... something I was particularly happy with because lately they'd invaded the area around my punching bag which I'd been avoiding using. And then after dark I went out there to admire my handy work only to find a huge spider had constructed an ever huger web to the bag. Sometimes you just can't win.

Okay that's enough of that. Enough waffling and filling a space. Time for some good, wholesome family entertainment. Check it...

All the crazy stories of weekends gone wild, pics of the huge boozy nights and wild videos of people doing crazy shit - Eyebrownet.com is it! Honestly I lost hours amusing myself surfing through it all! If you're looking for a decent site with a unique perspective, tonnes of awesome content and without all the bullshit then checkout Eyebrownet.com this bloody minute!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Lez Hotness - SO Addictive - Gooooal! - Help Me Dad - WTF?? - Stallone Porn - 007 Girls - Hot Asians - In Deep

Bikini Babes - Musical Palin - Smashed - Freaky - Hot Heiresses - Black Idiot - OverReact - Pound That

Sexy Butt - Epic Failures - He's Dead - Back Breaking - Get Em Up! - Boob Jobs - Heidi Klum - Bless You - Big Balls

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
--
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl.  She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'. When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want" Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69". "Fuck Off" she replies... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"
--
Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

ORSM VIDEO

BONUS VIDS: Vader Patrol - Flipping Out - Pants Dude? - Don't Say It - Blabbering Bill - Nunchaku B-Ball

Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"

A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"

The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"

The co-worker says, "Man, you ARE frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it... and I won another ten grand!"

AUDREY BITONI HOTNESS
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No Clean Feed - Stop Internet Censorship in Australia

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Angelina Jolie agreed, "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder."

Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the framed talking mirror on the wall to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad was the sexiest.

They all agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well it's true. The mirror told me I'm the strongest man in the world." Angelina perked up and said, "And I know for sure I'm the most gorgeous!" But Brad, poor Brad, tear running down his face, lifted his sad face and said "Who the hell is Mr. Orsm?!?"

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!"

SMOOCHY SMOOCHY
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Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard.

You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out, Blue States.

SEMA SHOW 2008
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

Sore Back :-( wrote:
Subject: Check out this house
Why doesn't every house have a pole dancing room?? Click on the house to view the photos and keep rolling thru those photos.

Paul wrote:
Subject: Re: CODE OF THE GAY item 7
You forgot the gear shifter. Men that choose a Porsche with a Tiptronic automatic or a Corvette with an automatic are flaming queers.

Tommy wrote:
Subject: a correction to 'JAPAN C-R-A-Z-Y'
long time reader - first time submiter. the attached pic is actually located in portland, or not in japan. as a matter of fact, my office is right across the street from the chinese resturaunt that has the sign.

Mac wrote:
Subject: Welfare
The first Aboriginal with a sense of humour the corner of Karrinyup and mains st Perth

Another Kevin Rudd supporter obviously. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex cunt
long time page explorer. hes a quick vid and pic of my ex wife. who decided to live in a video game other then real life. she ran off with a night elf lmao. hide my details please.

Haven't we all wanted to run off with an elf though? -Orsm

c&k wrote:
Subject: RCMP
This picture was taken from the air above a rather large, outdoor, marijuana grow-op. The cops, RCMP, had to wait for a helicopter to come pick them up so they figured they would let the growers know who picked their plants for them. They reported over 3000 plants! This was in a mountainous area east of Vernon B.C. Canada. Nobody got busted for it though.
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gigzy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hi one of your loyal veiwers check this add in on of the poster put out in a rural indian village. after reading this i started laughing then also forgot my own spelling hahahaha.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Australia, your chicken is ready!
Hey Orsm, Long time viewer, first time sender. Noticed this whilst down at my local shops. Keep up the great work! Please hide my details.
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Paul wrote:
Subject: photo
Hi Mr ORSM. I took these photos recently in an upmarket restaurant in Shanghai. Thought the sign might be worth a run in random shite.
Jason wrote:
Subject: Hang
Long time viewer first time writer! Your site is da shiznit! na mean son! Sorry for the ebonics but with Obama getting the go ahead as Prez I thought it only appropriate. I live in western Pennsylvania (Go Steelers!) and I'm a union bricklayer so Obama was the candidate pushed upon me. While reading through my local newspaper I came across a picture accompanying an article about how Obama supporters were out in full force!... maybe not all of them... looks like one of them had a different agenda! Funny as hell! Post my info or don't! Thanks for the KICK ASS site!
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V wrote:
Subject: Weirdo
Find the Weirdo... it takes a while... but look closely

Subtle but effective. -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: BBQ covers require maintenance...or else
So im using my bbq this weekend... so i thought ill clean it up..i have known there were bee's coming from under the cover so i thought i'd kill them, obviously...
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pj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Who's up for some baseball?

Umm... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Out for a swim
Caught 1 1/2 miles offshore off the coast of Richards Bay while fishing!
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Vascular Blues
This is what happens when you dedicate your life to working nightshift for australia post and forget the most important things in life like looking after yourself. I thought i just had a rash until it ulcerated. I have 5 blood clots in my leg which caused what they call venus eczema. during the ulceration i had a tea towel under my foot for 2 weeks as the pus never stopped until the antibiotics kicked in. Now i have to have a operation with 5 weeks off work. Thanks for the orsm site ive been with it since the first month love it.
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Yok wrote:
Subject: Crack whole
She was in a casino showing a lot of crack. More than any plumber could show.

Turns out copious bum crack is okay if the chick is hot. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hummer Wagon
Orsm first time emailer, long time wanker. thnaks for all ya help over the years. check attached pics........... kinda looks not to bad what ya reckon. cheers bro.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend Pics...
Pictures of my ex. Looking back I'm fucking disgusted, but hey! And she wasn't a bad fuck, when she actually gave it up! Hold on my details please!!!

Have seen WAY worse. -Orsm

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Karratha Pizza wrote:
Subject: Gunfight Rules!
One for the "lads" of our modern 2008 Army! Almost believable ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
click to watch video
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John wrote:
Subject: Chappy the singing dancing abo
Ahhhh i love the NT !!!!!! MOVE TO THE NT WE HAVE ABO'S

If you laughed you're going straight to hell... see you there! -Orsm

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy!"

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy!"

GLAM LEZ
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RANDOM SHITE
... smells vaguely of shit. Nice huh? Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for THREE weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well miss, from what I just saw, I'll catch you next year!"

WEDGIE!!!
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George meets his best friend Michael in the street and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.

"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael. George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave they give you $500 in your hand!"

"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?" George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."

ORSM VIDEO


And just like that it's all over for another seven days. But first...

- Check out the site archives. While you still can.
- Next update will be next Thursday. If you haven't worked that shit out by now there is something VERY wrong with you.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say some potentially hurtful things about you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats Uni Bar [you couldn't have done it without me!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2008.11.06-23.10
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Helen... stop pulling your pants up your big poof.

What a massive week. So much shit going on. So much to keep us polarised. So much rammed down our throats. It's information overload dammit!

Firstly, the Melbourne Cup. On the first Tuesday in November every year the nation stops to watch twenty or so horses run their guts out for the chance to make history... and a few million big ones. It's the top race in Australia and not just all about who wins. MOST people don't give a shit about the horses - it's all about fashion, fascinators, socialising, calling in sick to work, having a punt and getting ridiculously drunk. For the girls it's all of those things plus standing around all day in shoes that kill your feet and at some point walking down the street barefoot screaming at passing taxi's.

To be honest I really have no interest and it can probably be put down to years of harassment on this particular Tuesday. Ever since I've had a drivers license a certain family member [who shall remain nameless] has called upon me to provide transport. That's fine. Really have no problem with that but the hour long "I'm almost ready!" intertwined with countless "Does this look okay?" and "Which one is better?" absolutely does my fucking head in. Cup Day pandemonium torments my earliest childhood memories, long before I was able to move out of home and leave the insanity behind, I was tortured by something I would grow to loath.

The sad thing is every single year, blood boiling, I vow "Never a-fucking-gain!" and every single year I forget and get roped in. Not going to happen next year though...

Second on the ram-list is the pending executions of the Bali bombers. For anyone not familiar - these are the three fuckers that are responsible for killing 202 innocent people in a Bali nightclub back in 2002. Six years of protracted legal proceedings, guilty convictions, death sentences and appeals later its finally time for the firing squad. No one seems to know when it will happen but my god the media is milking it for all its worth. Must be hell for survivors and victims' families seeing these guys on the news every night gloating and smiling about what they did and as bad as it is to say, I hope their deaths are slow and painful.

Moving on... what else was there? I can't remember...? Maybe there wasn't anything else? Oh hang on... yeah that's it... the Presidential Election. I lost a good chunk of Wednesday glued to the TV waiting the result. I even woke up at 5am and started listening to the radio. It kind of felt like a really good, really long movie that you're really invested in. You know how it's going to end but not exactly sure how they're going to get there. Like Shawshank Redemption but with a two year run time.

Let me be the billionth person to say it - Obama's victory speech was bloody good. I've never been so sure Bush is the idiot everyone portrays him to be but in eight years I don't remember a speech even half as inspiring as what Obama gave. That said, McCain's concession was just as good. Magnanimous. Takes a big man to concede so gracefully.

In a way I'm kind of sad it's all over. Watching the race unfold has been fascinating but I have no doubt there'll be plenty of shit to keep us occupied in the coming months and years.

And with yet another social commentary in the bag ladies and gentlemen it is time to drop a bomb on the update and hopefully entertain you for a few minutes. SO... check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Amazing Tits - Be A Player - You Fail - Worst EVER - So So Bad - Megan Fox - Scary! - Oh Shit!! - Booty Strippers

Cali Cutie - Hawt Brunette - Sexy Bubbles - Sensational Janine - Not That Funny - Olivia Munn - Faceless Hoe

Keeley's Cans - Catch A Predator - Wii Wanker - Most Wanted Babes - Party Girls - Vida's Ass - Fuck With - Crashed

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." "Err hi... I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning?" the neighbour began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
--
Guy says to his wife "Darling, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?" Wife replies "I'd take half and leave you" Guy says "Excellent! I got 3 numbers, here's a fiver... now fuck off!"
--
A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large hotel. "Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" "Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

ORSM VIDEO

CODE OF THE GAY

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys. Rather you've been sucking-OFF the boys and spend the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and following the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you're a flaaaaming fag. A cat is like a dog, but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bon-bon, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you are the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring-pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks barbecue ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, cray-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're clearly in a deep homosexual relationship. The world is a man's bathroom; he pisses and shits when and where ever he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome full cream milk) and full aroma. A true pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf cinnamon latte with skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your bung. A real man doesn't have space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in AFL, Aussie cricket squad and V8 Supercar drivers. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you love the cock.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it... you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at retarded drivers or to cut the motherfuckers off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the hot bitch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or talk on the mobile.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films – mon frere, vous sonnez le gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those poonce films is when it contains explicit female nudity OR will absolutely guarantee sex. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

9. If the first website you check when you get online isn't Orsm.net then face facts – copping a big sticky facial from your boyfriend remains your favourite pastime. What's more if you've never emailed Orsm then it's probably because you were busy at the gay bath house.

SAM AND TIFF GET STUCK IN...
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Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say "yes", but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on... But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy when my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it pointed straight up in the air?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late..."

ORSM VIDEO

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

LET'S GO TO THE BOOBS... BEACH... I MEAN BEACH!
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A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground.

The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit." Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says, "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies, "Playing with Becky in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher, "if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit." Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No," replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."

"Oh dear," says the teacher, "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."

HALLOWEEN HOTTIES
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Really seem to have opened a can of worms with the whole gun control emails over the last few weeks. Some interesting arguments being spouted and I guess they all seem reasonable from a certain point of view but I think we can all agree that we're never going to agree. Can't we all just get along? No... and that's why we need guns... or maybe why we don't...? Anyway the responses are kind of long so I've stuck them on a page of their own which you can find here.

For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

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J wrote:
Subject: Gun control?
Hey man, I have another contribution for you. This was a shootout between drug smugglers and the police, only a few miles from the US-Mexico border. Violence has been on the rise with drug smugglers and it is carrying over into innocent citizens on both sides of the border being killed. Now, Mexico has very strict regulations on what citizens can own for firearms - basically no 'military calibers'. I guess these guys didnt get the message. They also have body armor on. Threats like these are existent on the northern side of the border as well, and is a prime example of why Americans should be armed. Im sorry, but there are just too many situations that would require more than a handgun. If youre ever in the states make sure to make an update before you head over here - if youre in my neighborhood I would be happy to take ya out shooting - every gun you see in these pics is representative of at least one in my collection. Take care, and FUCK OBAMA
Shane wrote:
Subject: Control
The day I lost control....
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Rude sculpture
For years I have had a quiet laugh about the sculpture outside the Chadstone shopping centre. Driving past heading east you would think it's just a crazy circular mess of steel. However driving west towards Melbourne as you glance to your right it lines up to become an anatomy lesson. Please find attached two photos hope you can use them.

Mike wrote:
Subject: Plot to kidnap Obama
I know some of you will appreciate this more than others! Forgive me – I had to pass it on! Plot to kidnap Obama uncovered.

I appreciate it. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Freebies
Met this chick over a social network blah blah blah...etc etc heres her tits! hold the details much obliged

Photographic proof that there IS a god and he lives on that girls chest. -Orsm

denny wrote:
Subject: pic
Hey I love this site, well here is a picture i took of a fan on stage at a club in st paul, mn. please hide my email thanks!
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Welcome to WA, the nanny state
Caution, at the beach. Careful folks there's WATER!!

Nanny State... so fucking true. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bathurst pics
Hi Mr Orsm. I managed to get in a Bathurst pilgrimage and see FORD own the mountain again,I promised Cinna you'd make her famous by posting her tits on your site,hope you can use them,the pics that is. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ballerat Drag Races
First time sender ... long time viewer. ALWAYS been in my favorites - THANX for your great work. Ballerat Drag Races. Stills & film [here].

Reminds me of my car excpet slower and less torque... -Orsm

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Loz wrote:
Subject: Oink
These are Pennywell miniature pigs raised in Devon England .. These mini pigs are meant to be pets. They are a variant of a rare breed from New Zealand. It is suggested that they always be sold in pairs so that they havea companion and someone to snuggle with. They are supposed to be easy to house train and have good temperaments.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Superlap Pics
Hey mate, A few months ago Superlap was held at Oran Park, these are some photos i managed to take. Please keep details hidden.
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patrick wrote:
Subject: 1936 Coupe
This is the 1936 Ford Coupe built for and owned by Allegheny Ludlum Steel. It was attending our open house and then was featured in a local parade with over 100 of our salaried, hourly and retired employees walking alongside. This is 1 of only 4 in existence and is the only one currently in running and in roadworthy condition. The car is in exceptional condition, with the interior and even the frame looking great.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wa water police in a tangle
gday, snapped these shots from my boat at the Red Bull Air race over the weekend.. found it pretty funny that the WA water police are that stupid not to know that driving close to a boats anchor line would result in it getting tangled around their props...
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ORSM VIDEO

The C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?" Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?" The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a donut."

JUST THE GIRL NEXT DOOR...?
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RANDOM SHITE
Careful this week. I've deliberately and strategically placed some nasties in the mix simply because it pleases me to do so. The pleasing does not stop there though. RS has gone EXTRA fat... simply because *I* control the RS and can do whatever the fuck I want. Check it...

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A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you have got Yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his first card and wins four corners - prize $350, and then gets any line and wins $3200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a thousand big ones. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins a further $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "Son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won four corners, any line, full house and the National Grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"LUCKY!?" he screamed, "LUCKY!? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Well bugger me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!"

JAPAN C-R-A-Z-Y
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With dreams of rodeo glory dancing in his head, a tenderfoot decided to hone his horsemanship. He mounted the horse, and it sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the tenderfoot began to slip from the saddle.

Terrified, he grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck and almost lost his balance. The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, the tenderfoot tried to throw himself to safety by leaping from the horse. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, putting him at the mercy of the pounding hooves. His head battered repeatedly against the ground, and he was moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, the Wall-Mart manager ran out and unplugged the horse.

ORSM VIDEO


Well dudes that's all I got... and I hope you fucking enjoyed it. Any semblance of weekday/night social activities were dashed years ago to dedicate myself to punching out quality updates. I guess what I'm trying to say here is if you think the update sucked then it's more likely a problem with you than it is me. And now cue the credits...

- Check out the site archives. They're so big that they carry 47 Electoral College votes.
- Next update will be next Thursday... unless I get a better offer... anyone? Please?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray drop a dookie in your dessert.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... ah yeah. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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