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November 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.11.29-18.39
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I can't predict the past.

I annoy myself sometimes. Perhaps more often than necessary. After writing last week's blog and subsequently realising it ran several large paragraphs longer than was sensible, I chopped them out to save for later. As I sit down today to paste them in it soon becomes clear that I've deleted the fucking document during a PC clean up rampage. Upside though, with the blog that you're about to read [or more likely scroll past], I've managed to stretch stories of my travels adventures into a third week thus saving myself from actually having to conjure a pile of witty babble about what's been going on around here. As a matter of fact that could be squeezed down to: not that much. Anyway today I attempt to cover Shenzhen and Macau. Read on...

Shenzhen: don't really know where my fascination with China comes from but I wasn't going to miss an opportunity to finally get there. Thankfully Shenzhen is just 45 minutes by train ride across the border from Hong Kong. Once arriving you need to get a visa - costs about AUD$25 [varies wildly depending on your nationality] and takes another 30 minutes to pass through everything. Found the experience somewhat intimidating. They don't smile and aren't particularly friendly. Oh and make sure you press the 'smiley' button when rating their service unless you like being taken away for questioning [or so I was told]. That didn't last long though - upon exiting immigration we immediately made a friend. A twerpy Chinese guy who was more than happy to answer questions. He directed us to nearby Luoho Mall where it turned out he had a shop. This went on for a while - he circled around trying to coax us in while we explored and tried to lose him in other stores. Even a labyrinth fabric store and elevator weren't enough. Impressive. A polite "Mate, fuck off!" solved the problem finally. As most of the shops weren't yet open we bailed and headed for an area called Huaqiangbei. Basically electronics heaven. Took a while but we eventually find a cab rank and then use my iPhone with the name written in Chinese to communicate where we wanted to go. Gotta say... we all know Asians can't drive but holy fucking shit you aint seen nothing. Imagine a city with 12M population where they ALL drive that way. Fearing for my life I began looking for a seatbelt. The driver laughed and said "No belt! No belt!" Funny that was the only English he spoke...

Ten minutes, white knuckles and skid-marked undies later we pulled up at the front of SEG Electronics Market and were again quickly set upon by a guy selling digital alarm clocks. Turned out he was a translator and tour guide and this is what he did on his day off. Negotiated a price [about AUD$1.50] help us find somewhere to keep the GF busy in while I amused myself with the computer stuff. That's where SEG comes in. A gargantuan mall with hundreds if not thousands of stalls selling every conceivable computer part, most of which are produced locally. The ground level was small stuff like capacitors and resistors. As you venture up there's floors for hard drives, motherboards, video cards, cables, keyboards, monitors... EVERYTHING. It's loud, your eyes also burn from the cigarette smoke and thousands upon thousands or people are crawling all over like ants. It is overwhelming to the point I didn't buy anything because I had no idea where to begin. Outside and along the street are countless malls selling RC toys, spy equipment [scary], at least 4 or 5 malls just dedicated to LED lighting - it seemed to go on forever but most amazing were the mobile phone markets. Imagine a trading floor when the stock market is crashing... pretty much that expect they were selling [and maybe repairing?] phones and tablets. Phenomenal experience.

As it hit 7pm I had to get back to Luoho to meet up with the GF so we could head to HK before the border closed. She'd gone back earlier because, of course, that's where all the best knock off handbag and clothes shopping was. She also had my passport. What I hadn't counted on was peak hour and not being able to get a cab. Walked around for an hour with no luck so finally conceded and found the subway. Great idea except practically nothing is sign posted in English. Understandable... not an English speaking country after all. Thank god for some random guy behind me at the ticket machines [button to change language to English not written in English...] who happened to be going to the same station and helped me get a token and let me follow him. Luoho Mall was cranking by this time and if you like pressure sales tactics then it's a must see. They are relentless like you can't believe and whilst that's fucking annoying, their copy goods are high quality and ridiculously cheap.

Shenzhen should be on everybody's list of places to go before they die. The fact it's one of the most populous cities in China probably explains why I'd never felt more insignificant. It's ultramodern, crazy busy and there are people everywhere you look. Absolute awesomeness.

Macau: about an hour by high-speed ferry from HK is the gambling capital of Asia... and being that I have no interest in gambling, I had low expectations. Coming out of immigration we had no plan of what and where to go. Soon enough you find a bus station with dozens of buses that will take you to any number for casinos. All free. We jumped aboard one for the Venetian and after about 15 minutes roll in a huge depot with dozens and dozens of other Venetian-painted buses. The hotel and casino complex is massive, apparently the biggest single structure building in Asia and modelled after the Venetian in Vegas. Imagine the nicest house you've ever seen, finished to the highest standard. From there we hit all the surrounding casinos within walking distance including Galaxy [my favourite], Crown and others I can't remember the names of. They're all huge, amazing and totally OTT. Almost hate to admit it but I'm glad we went and I'd even happily go back again too - many, many more casinos to explore. Here's a bunch of Shenzhen and Macau pics if you're interested.

Okay that'll do. The last few weeks of blogging have definitely been the truncated versions. Long story short though - everything we did and everywhere we went in Asia was magnitudes better than I had hoped... and my hopes were high. If you've never been and get the chance then don't hesitate. And now let's get on with the update. Check it...

Oh one more thing. I kind of screwed up last week with the set of Nadia Aria images which were posted... and by screwed up up I mean deprived you guys of seeing her get fucked by an ugly dude. Here's the rest of the set.

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THE COOLEST: The Meanest Prank - Sleepy Baby - Hot & Dangerous - Waitress Kick Fail - Orgasm Law - Hula Babes

Up To The Roof - St00pid Weapons - Shockingly Bad - Very Big Cans - Sex Workout - Worst Mum EVER - Gay Prank

Hard Head - Get A Grip - Fairytale Porn - I Was Busting - Sophie Howard - Lowlife Cop - Do Not Want - Winning

Seems Dangerous - "O" Accident - Little Bitches - Porn Twins - Sick Excuse - Mega Dong - Dancing Nude - Cum Sniper

In hindsight, my Facebook post should prbably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just fucked a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn't all bad - the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
A midwife had just delivered a baby and turned to the mother and said. "I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The bad is your baby is ginger, the good news is it's stillborn".
A wise man once told me to ignore anything that comes out of a woman's mouth, unless it needs wiping and putting back in your pants.
The correct use of capitalisation is the difference between helping your uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
A man was laying on the beach. The wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out. An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her bikini bottoms and left. The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell and had a sore on it. He went to the doctor and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe. "Syphilis of the big toe?" he inquired "Isn't that rare...?" The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy".


The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys...

Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further. Favourite expression "Wait, try this!"

Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honouring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine. Favourite expression "Put me down for a 10".

Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the shoulder wedge shot. Favourite expression: "You guys hit. I gotta take this".

Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead. Favourite expression: "We'll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'".

Defining characteristics: Colour-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise. Favourite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears".

Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail. Favourite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker"...

Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking... until the second hole. Favourite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"

Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air - and the ash droppings on his belly. Favourite expression: "Straight from Havana, baby!"

Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing 'much better' than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro. Favourite expression "I guess it's just one of those days"...

Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his. Favourite expression: "But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?"

Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s. Favourite expression: "Whoa! A ProV1!"

Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake. Favourite expression: "Fuck!!"

Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four. Favourite expression: "If I really catch it, I can get there".

Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable. Favourite expression: "Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another".

Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable. Favourite expression: "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"

Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150. Favourite expression: "I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6".

Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds - with a clear shot to the green! Favourite expression: "Better to be lucky than good!"

Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping. Favourite expression: "Yes SIR!"

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Good old Jackie... never let a chance go by.

A wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in the Northern Territory. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in the Court!"

The court room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up and says "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Jackie to take the stand.

Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court it's traditional at an indigenous wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The Judge says "Okay"...

"Well!" said Jackie. "After I'd finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song: and the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when, all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her vagina!"

The Judge instantly responded "God! That must have hurt!" "HURT!?" replies Jackie "He broke three of my fucking fingers!"


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One day a florist went to Fred for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week". The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week". The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut. When he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week". The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone sipping a drink. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations".

He responds, at the top of his lungs "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 500 DOLLARS?!!"

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In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother" the nuns asked earnestly "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us". She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said "DON'T SELL THAT COW!!"

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!".



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Richie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up guys?" he asks. "Well Richie, to be honest we're having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia. We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let's be honest, it's only the Aussies this week. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".

Richie looks at them and says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. The way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself!" The rest of the team reckon it'll work and they agree.

So Richie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) - Australia 0. Dammit, he's actually beating Australia all by himself! Surely he can't do it, can he?

Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers. "Heck, it must be full time now, let's see how Richie got on". They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly. There on the screen is the result: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper Conversion).

They can't believe it! It's a draw. Richie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies!

Delighted, they rush back to Suncorp Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys" he mumbles disconsolately. "I'm so sorry, but I've really let you down". "Don't be an idiot skipper! You got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, after 79 minutes!" "No, no, I have" says Richie. "I've let you down. I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!"

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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Pearson International in Toronto. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. "Winning the hearts of the world"

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the fuck do you want?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face "Air Canada!"


Well let's not dweel on it. It's time for dinner so I'm out of here for another week.You probably still have some quetions so please read the following and save yourself the embarrassment of asking them...

-Check out the site archives. Every Orsm single update since Jesus was a kid conveniently stored in one place for eeasy access.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rent your house and become the 'tenant from hell' which, for him, is just acting normally.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ALWAYS use minimum 2 squares when wiping. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.11.22-19.15
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Do cows get sunburnt?

As promised, here goes part two of my recent holiday adventures. It may actually turn into a three-parter because apparently I have a lot to say but let's see how we go. Last week I covered Phuket and this week I'll run through almost two weeks in Hong Kong. I'll start by saying that HK is an incredible city and everyone should go there. It's also the world's most vertical city - coming from little old Perth where everything is spread out and low density, it was kind of awesome seeing the endless high-rises everywhere you looked but I suppose how else are you going to house 7 million people in such a small area? Not sure how I'd handle living there... things most Aussies take for granted like backyards and spare bedrooms don't exist for the majority. Anyway let's rip through it in point style shall we...?

Transport: the cost of car ownership is apparently ridiculous. One guy was telling us that the tax on a new cars is 150% the cost of the actual car itself. Makes you a little bit sick when you see just how many high end cars cruise around - everything from Porsche to Lambo to Ferrari to Maybach to Rolls to Bentley. Even more disturbing is when you see those cars fully pimped with aftermarket gear. The display of wealth is staggering and obviously most HK'ers can't afford such fancy toys which is okay because public transport is one of the best things about the place. Firstly, the subway is unbelievably efficient. Never waited more than 2 minutes for a train any time of the day or night. Secondly, thousands of double deckers buses scream along city streets... if you didn't want to walk and explore [which we did] they'd make life very easy. Thirdly, there may well be more cabs than people. Oh and they are cheap but unfortunately not always tourist friendly. We had a few drive off when they couldn't understand English well enough [or is that, we couldn't speak Chinese well enough?] to explain where to go. Tip: keep your hotels business card with you and hand it to them.

Food: is incredible and every imaginable cuisine is there for the gorging. The only problem we had was going into some restaurants that didn't necessarily cater to [stupid] westerners. Obviously they were good because of the lines to get in but quite often you're handed a menu written in Cantonese [I think?] and expected to tick boxes. Meant to speed up the process so they can turn tables over faster but half the time you end up pointing to what other people have on their tables or if you are really lucky, you'll snag someone who speaks English and is happy to help pick shit that isn't feet or offal. Also a lot of the time they'll ask you to table share, something that never happens at home. If you like McDonald's then all good. They are fucking everywhere... not uncommon to spot three in sight of each other. Same deal with Starbucks. A huge highlight however is the street food which is cheap and tastes amazing. Most memorable though was a buffet we hit one night. The food was great but truly hilarious watching this small Chinese woman eat her body weight. She crammed it down her gob non-stop for over an hour, barely stopping to breathe and using a little helper to keep plates piled high so she wouldn't have to stop or move. Video here.

People: don't make eye contact unless necessary however if you engage them and they speak English then they are very helpful and generous. There's definitely some who are rude and others who clearly couldn't be bothered with whities but you never feel unsafe or threatened. One of the oddest things I noticed was glasses. So-so-so many Chinese walk around with glasses that have no lenses. Fashion? Fuck knows. Also odd was for how many sunglass shops there are I don't think I saw a single person wearing them.

Hygiene: for how many people and how many cars and whatever else the whole city is quite clean. We'd often see old people rifling through bins [of which there aren't enough] collecting recyclables. Figured out later they take it to these small buildings located around the place for collection and assumingly a bit of cash. People in general can be pretty fucking disgusting though. Was shocked [several times] to see the oldest granny hock up phlegm and spit it out. Also, cunts don't bother covering mouths when coughing or sneezing. Very likely explains why I came home with a chest infection. Another thing I never got used to was anything toilet related - pray that when you need to shit it's near your hotel otherwise it will likely be into a squat and they are ALL the vile looking contraptions. Luckily its easier if you have kids and they need to pee... simply drop their pants in the middle of the footpath and go for it. Do not give one single fuck about the hundreds of people walking by.

Names: are confusing. One night we jumped on the subway trying to get to Wan Chai and ended up miles from where we wanted. Why? Because on the same line is another stop called Chai Wan. Silly us...

Shopping: I eventually got my black belt in haggling and the numerous markets are the best place to practice. Sham Shui Po, Temple Street and the Ladies Market were unending fun doing battle with the sellers. They quote a price, you counter offer a lot less, they look sad and ask for more, you say "I don't really need it so I don't care" then start to walk off and hey presto you get the price you wanted [usually]. Walking through these places you are occasionally whispered to by dodgy non-Chinese people asking "You want copy bag? Wallet? LV? Gucci? Copy Watch?" Stayed well away until the last day or so when we finally talked to one of them. We were quickly ushered up the street, down a back alley, handed over to another guy, into a building, up a tiny elevator and into a fortified apartment. Here you're shown catalogues of the copies and they have crap loads. When you see something you like a boy runs off to get it and comes back 5-10 minutes later. The quality is excellent and they're far cheaper than a real one - a genuine Louis Vuitton handbag which would cost you over AUD$4k is less than AUD$100. The whole thing is very clandestine although personal safety concerns quickly subside when you realise how it works. Copies are illegal and these guys risk huge fines, jail time and of course everything will be confiscated. Most interesting was how they get stuff into HK... they drive north to the Chinese border in the middle of the night and wait for a boat to pull up before loading up a van. All the bags and watches and whatever are then distributed to their network around the city and sold to people like us.

Okay time to start winding this blog bit up. I fucking loved everything about HK. The best shit is found in the darkest corners, seediest backstreets or down the most ominous looking escalators. It's impossible to get bored and there's its busy everywhere all the time but after close to 2 weeks there I was glad to be coming home. So now that you're all clear on that let us get on with an unforgettable update. Check it...

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BONUS COOLNESS:Stretch It Out - Robot Sighting - Lies All Lies - No 5 Is Alive - He's Awesome - Anatomy Of A Hit

Corrupt Cop - Total Nobodies - Bait Car Lulz - Adriana Nip Slip - Filthy Old Cunt - Own Squirt - Look No Legs!!

Epic Fail - Pumped Pussy - Had To Hurt - LOL Of The Day - Sexy Yoga - Wait... What? - Little Mermaid - Killer Boobs

Fucked Up Party - Startin' Young - Just Wrong - Last Anal - Perfect Azn - Pleasurable - WT-fucking-F - Light My Fire

"What happened to you?" said the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out". "I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly I still couldn't read it. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view". "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yeah. It said 'Don't stand up in the car'."
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this household instead of two". Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said "I'm glad that you feel this way about it! Tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us".
A woman went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave her a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong and then told her "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you". "I know" said the woman "but I can't. My husband refuses to sleep alone".
The wife said to me last night "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass!" In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...?
Son said to dad "I'm Gay". Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?" Other son said "Me too dad..." Dad said "Fuck me... doesn't anyone in this family like pussy!?" Daughter said "I do!"



"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat" Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score!" he answered.

Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington. Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world" Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.

Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie-Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its lustre.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats (which were monitored and controlled by the electric company) be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. "The RHC's resources are limited" explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss".

Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in.

Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his haemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added 'inconvenience' was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists". Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via the Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny" even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots etc had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible" said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. "Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example" she added.

Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner" but Jason had developed a kind of Nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth". This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realised his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realised their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realised how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2011, when all the real nonsense began. "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance" he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.

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A young bloke from outback Australia goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has foolishly squandered all of his money.  He calls home. "Dad" he says "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk". "That's bloody amazing!' says dad "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2000" the young jackaroo says "I'll get him in the course!" So his father sends the dog and $2000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read". "Read?" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4500. I'll get him in the class".

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad" the boy says "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the newspaper. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked "So, is dad still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?" The father groans and whispers "I hope you shot the dog before he talked to your mum!" "I sure did, dad!" "That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


Click for more awesomeness

A husband was watching TV while his wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife "What's for supper?"

"WHAT!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out here working! I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what - imagine I'm out of town then go inside and figure out dinner for yourself. Asshole!"

The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of cold beer.

The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town".

The viewing is Monday from 2-4 and funeral is Tuesday at 2 o'clock.

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An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Following procedure, he asks the biker his name. "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies "It's a long story, so bear with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, med school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school".

"Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through dental school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Eventually got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD".

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD".

"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred!"

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Such was the backlog of quality mail submissions from the past month I was forced to break away from my much-loved fortnightly Reader mail cycle. Shit would just have gotten out of hand otherwise so what you guys are about to feast your eyes upon is hours upon hours of hard work sorting through and compiling something worthy of the attention usually reserved for big tits... and strangely enough there's plenty of those too.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fellow Phuket traveller
Hi mate, Saw your blog post and thought I'd share a few thoughts since I also just returned from Phuket. I was there with a group of five guys all in their twenties and unlike you, as a single bloke I was more able to take advantage of some of the local, ahem, attractions... [continues]

Awesome read. One thousand Orsm's to you. -Orsm

Dev wrote:
Subject: Porn job
I want porn job

Excellent. -Orsm

fb wrote:
Subject: stop posting pics of girls shitting
this is a funny site, but putting up pictures of girls shitting is why I stopped going to this site years ago. thanks for reminding me with today's uploads.

Grossing people out with shitting pics... you could see how *I* would find that funny right? -Orsm

Wicks wrote:
Your 2012-11-01 update, "How old is grandma?" is incorrect. In the story, grandma says, "Man had not invented: .air conditioners.." The first electric air conditioner was invented in 1911, 101 years ago, which would make grandma at least 102, not the 59 as claimed. Even if we went with the availability of residential air conditioning, she would be at least 85 years old since those became available in the 1920s. Of course, we could go back to ancient Rome where they would circulate water from aqueducts through the walls of buildings to cool the inside of the building, but that would make her considerably and unreasonably older.

Too tired to fact check that one so will take your word for it. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A picture of myself for the fans of your site.. hide the details

One thousand Orsm's to you also. Any other girls out there wishing to expose yourself in any way whatsoever - just fucking email me. -Orsm

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joe wrote:
Subject: Careful on the roads
Its legit!! WARNING Have a careful look at the location .... yes it is. South Rd, Edwardstown, South Australia. Rear-facing speed cameras are now here ! No more slamming on the brakes when you spot the Camry / Falcon parked on the side of the road. By the time you see this one you are already pinged ..... Very sneaky!

"Hey I've got an idea... let's use even more cunning and deceptive ways to bust people going 2km/h over the speed limit THEN fine them $100. LOL! It won't teach anyone a lesson other than to hate us and, sure, going just a few kms over probably won't kill anyone, but that's the law so fuck them!" -Cops

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shit
Hey Orsm, look at this Shit for your Random Shit or what ever... Plz hide Details. Greetz from Deutsches Reich
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jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mate, not sure if you have seen this yet? Bill board in NZ.

This sprung to mind. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Steampowered.com Scammers!
Hey Orsm, By now many net users have had their credit card details stolen by an American Company called STEAMPOWERED.COM. It has been well documented that they are a bunch of scammers who prey on soft targets.

Have bought a few games from them over the years and never had a problem. -Orsm

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GeonJay wrote:
Subject: Pic
Optical illusion? Freudian vision? What is your first impression of what the girl on the left is doing? Greetz from SC, USA

My first thought was 'friend putting on lipstick'. Wasn't until I really looked at it I got the 'other' meaning. -Orsm

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Subject: Emailing
The free Obama phone cured him !!! Ha Ha Ha !! Probably deaf as a MF too!
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Miguel wrote:
Subject: more romanian girls
hello again, thought it was about time to send you some more fb-pics of romanian girls, enjoying the sun in romania and on holidays in the dominican republic. last time you said you didnt know that there were quality-girls in romania..well check it out for yourself... look at those asses!! i hope u guys enjoy the fotos as much as i did.
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Stove for the Outdoor Man
Stove made in Finland. It takes about 10 minutes to build a 'stove' like this. Different - eh?!!
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Melbourne Cup
The Difference Between Arrival & Departure

Sadly, the Melbourne Cup has less to do with horse racing than it does getting drunk and acting like a slut or yobbo. Also I was surprised her shoes were still on at that time of day. Aussie Aussie Aussie!! -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Stolen Tazz
There are no words to add to this story, without the Police photos to prove it.... no-one from anywhere in the world will believe this is possible! This Toyota Tazz was stolen in Butterworth/Transkei. It was then in an accident. Not 1... Not 2... but 3 cows were found inside (Yip also stolen) --- tied up and squashed in!! --- see the 1st and 2nd photos. When the cows were removed the vehicle appeared as in photo 3 --- rear seat and front passenger seat had been removed to fit the cattle in!!! The last photo shows the 3 cows after their release --- remarkably unscratched!!! Only in South Africa !!!
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justin wrote:
Subject: Booobs and pussy! round 2
You asked - I delivered. Enjoy!

The TF. Winning. -Orsm

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Terry wrote:
Subject: Brisbane "Supercell Storms"
Just a few photos I found floating around of the BNE storm.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Have plants for sale
Guess what this is... Oh no it's not. It's not I tell you! It's a Vietnamese gourd or pumpkin. Oh yes it is!

Frankenpumpkins? No doubt delicious. -Orsm

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Tony Polony wrote:
Subject: Minnesota National Guard UH-60 storage facility
A test of the fire suppression system at the Army Aviation Support Facility in Saint Cloud developed into a much more thorough test of the system's capabilities than the dry run that was planned. A fire suppression contractor, while performing maintenance on the system, inadvertently activated the foam fire suppression system. The hangar filled with high-expansion foam, nearly covering eight UH-60 Blackhawk aircraft and related maintenance equipment before it could be turned off. After accounting for all personnel the cleanup began.
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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Brunette MILF
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just trying to get this down. Hide my info.
click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: Crazy Old Guy Dances To Pink: Walk Of Shame
Hey Mr Orsm Dude, Thought you might get a laugh from this. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Mac wrote:
Subject: My bird again after a few years break!!!
Hi webmaster, Shove this one on yer site it'll make her wet!!!

Done. -Orsm

click to watch video
Supaduck wrote:
Sometimes we get ones with feelings..... Turn up your sound and listen as this woman talks at the funeral of her husband. It is a very unusual eulogy, that I doubt you have ever heard anything like it, and probably never will again. Listen carefully all the way to the end..... and if this doesn't put a smile on your face, a lump in your throat and a tear in your eye, I don't know what can. Beautiful, funny, sad and joyous, at least to me. Take care and love the ones who matter to you.
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff has had their share of memorable calls... inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're amusing or absurd. Here's some of the better ones...

-Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called the Talk-Line for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

-Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.

-On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

-A woman called the Talk-Line to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded "I don't know, it's still running around outside".

-No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

-A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

-After discovering a turkey from 1969 in his recently departed dad's freezer, an Alabama man called the Talk-Line to ask about the best way to cook the 30+ year-old bird. Although the Talk-Line staffer recommended the open roasting pan method to cook most turkeys, this time she suggested that the first step was to purchase a fresher fowl!

-One caller was well versed at walking down the aisle, but not so versed when it came to cooking her Thanksgiving turkey. The caller explained to Carol Miller, a 20-plus year Talk-Line veteran, Thanksgiving with her first husband was a bust since she forgot to thaw the turkey. She blundered Thanksgiving with her second husband when the foil pan she was using bent and slipped out of her hands leaving the feast on the floor. She was hoping the third time would be the charm so she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line to make sure she was doing everything right!

-When a Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded "Florida".

-A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her daughter learned how to prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

-A proud gentleman called to tell the staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit in his pan.

-Another guy called to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.

-A disappointed woman called wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with a Talk-Line operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside down.

-Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out.  She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider.

-One caller had always cut the legs off the turkey before putting it in the oven thinking that was how you had to cook a turkey. She later learned that the only reason her mum had been doing that was because their oven had been so small that that was the only way to get the bird into the oven.

-A first-time Thanksgiving chef called in tears one Thanksgiving morning. She was so proud to have thawed the turkey successfully and continued to rinse the turkey - with dish soap! The tears started flowing when the turkey wouldn't stop sudsing.

-Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No ma'am, they're dead".

-A lady from Colorado called about "how to thaw" her frozen Butterball. She proudly shared the fact that her turkey was stored in a snow bank outside. It had snowed the night before and it then dawned on her that she didn't have a clue which snow bank her turkey was in. At that point, the conversation was really over because she was now on a mission to go find her turkey.

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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea please" Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach"...

"Peggy likes to screw you know" mum informed him. "Uh... really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes" said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. "Have fun, kids" the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "TWIST, mum!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the TWIST!"


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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25"...

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I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

10-15 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup un-popped popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

-Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

-Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

-After about four hours, listen for the popping sounds.

-When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room... it's done.


And I' done... but let's not dwell on it and...

-Check out the site archives. You will not fucking believe what's contained within. Seriously... you won't.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Most likely.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell mum and dad.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ummm... something sensible. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.11.15-20.27
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Business in the front, party in the back.

I'm devoting this and next week's blogs to recent travel adventures. This is preferable because with some of the stuff that's going on around me currently I'd have little more than some sad and depressing shit with which to fill this section. But more about that another time. Let's start with my week in Phuket which is an island off the south west of Thailand. Direct flight from home is about 7 hours unless you have a connecting flight in the middle... so in our case closer to 12 hours. Touching down and exiting the airport was about what I expected - warm and humid. From there it just got better. Read on as I whip through the highlights or scroll down a bit to where the rest of the update starts...

Bangla Road: is the nightclub area in Patong. Basically a several hundred metre long road running away from the beach full of bars, clubs, shops and restaurants. During the day it's busy but night is when it comes to life. Tourists and locals fill the street, it's loud and shit is going on all around. All throughout the crowds are people holding signs trying to entice you into a club and see a show. What's the show? They're strip clubs full of strippers who are mostly hot but every hour the main event starts - two older, uglier strippers come out and perform various unforgettable acts. The most fucked up shit you can do with a vagina, they do. It begins timidly using the aforementioned lady bits to fire darts and pop balloons. Things progress - before you know it they're squirting out goldfish, baby turtles, flames and even razor blades. They prove the blades are real by slicing paper too. Can't imagine what that does to a vagina. From there we wandered around before being lured into a titty bar with much cheaper drinks... one where the girls whack the hell out of patrons with mini pool noodles. Some of the funniest shit I have seen - they do not hold back and are happy to be hit back. Thankfully doesn't hurt unless you're sunburnt. The ride that home that night was in a tuk tuk which is kind of like a small van that holds about 4-6 people. Most of them have insanely huge stereos which they crank. Great way to end a night.

Tailors: these fuckers are absolutely everywhere. They are all Indian or from somewhere in that part of the world and stand on the footpath waiting for tourists to go by asking if they want "Suit? Shirt? Trouser?" After a few days we worked out the easiest way to stop them is to just shake your head or ignore entirely. Engaging in any way, even saying "No thanks" only spurs them on. That said, I did get a suit made. Chose a place where no one was outside harassing and seemed like an okay dude. Getting what you want isn't hard - they have piles of catalogues from all the major designers [Armani, Versace etc] and, for a fraction of the price you'd pay at home, can tailor anything... except women's clothes. The GF spent almost forever deciding what she wanted, was very descript in material type, style, fit and it was a disaster. They made a mess of everything except my suit which came out perfectly. Compliments to the sweat shop.

Massages: everywhere you go are massage places which, until our third day in Phuket, I thought were offering legitimate massages. Stationed out front are anything up to 8 girls screeching "Massaaaaaaaaage...?" to passers-by. If you sit and watch them for a while you quickly realise the tempo varies depending on the passer-by. Families and kids are left completely alone, couples may get a few offers however guys or groups of guys are descended upon. Anyway, I had some time to kill, it was too early for beer and my shoulders were killing so decided to get one. Stopped at the nearest place and chose a half hour massage from the list. The warning signs were there from the first moment. Massage in a private room upstairs. Err okay? Take your clothes off. Why do I need to take my clothes off for a shoulder rub? Honestly the massage sucked - they know fuck all about soothing your aches and pains. Happy endings a different story entirely. Couldn't get out of there fast enough and stayed away after that.

Weekend Night Markets: on the other side of the island [from where we were staying] in Phuket Town are gigantic markets with hundreds of various stalls. Tens of thousands of people flock there Saturday's and Sundays to get their hands on everything from the most weird and wonderful food imaginable to clothes to trinkets to fake mobile phones to sunglasses to whatever. If you can't find it there it probably doesn't exist. Haggling is what it's all about and is good fun if you don't take seriously. They quote a price, you offer back one third and hopefully meet somewhere in the middle. It doesn't always work - one guy snatched his t-shirts back and screamed at us to get out. Others will chase after you when you walk away and then agree to the offer. Without a doubt the best markets I've ever been to.

Islands: I didn't really give a fuck about doing an island tour but when the girls darted off to one of the many, many roadside huts selling tours, the decision was taken out of my hands. So the next morning we were picked up by a van which whizzed by various other hotels collecting passengers and then taken to some docks. A few hundred others were gathered around before being assigned to a speedboat and ferried out to sea. The first stop was an island an hour away. In some reality it's a beautiful tropical paradise. In this reality it's noisy and there's people and boats everywhere. You also have a strict time limit or risk being left behind. Next stop was hurling peanuts at monkeys, all a bit sad, and then Phi Phi Island to a tour company owned restaurant. Unequivocally the worst meal we had not only in Phuket but maybe ever. Was shocked no one got sick. After leaving there it was off to another island for some snorkelling. My first time in an ocean not The Indian which was fab except the coral was all dead and there's junk scattered everywhere. When you question the tour people about it they say the 2004 Tsunami and global warming are to blame but pretty obvious the hordes of boats and visitors each day isn't helping. I'm glad we did the islands, was a nice day out and all but wouldn't go again.

I could easily babble on for a few more pages about all we got up to. Phuket is an awesome place, the people are very friendly, the shopping is great, the food is almost all good and it's much cleaner than I was expecting - especially compared to Bali. Like any tourist geared destination you have to keep your wits because they're all looking for a way to get your money. Anyway let's get on with it. As alluded to above the last few days have been fucked, I haven't slept much and interruptions have played havoc although I'm still sure that the update you'll find below will satisfy. Check it...

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BONUS SWEETNESS - The Goddess - Xmas Hell - Best Job Ever - Angels in LA - Well I'm Sold - Nice Puppies Kate

Love This - Hottest Lips - Awkward Porn - So Excited! - Cold As Ice - Extreme Hotness - Frisky Sister - Sloppapotomus

Eye Watering - Shell Shock - Dildo Bike - 1 Foot Deep - Angry Tirade - Model Tits - Disappointed - Naked Raver

Oscar Worthy - Bad Parenting - Bully Pwnd - Do Not Want - Poor Lil Dude - Bukkake!! - Tranny Love - Mirror Babes

I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me out shagging her sister behind her back.
This fellow was walking down the street, when he met his buddy. His buddy had two black eyes, so he asked him "How did you get those two black eyes?" His buddy replied "Well, we were in church Sunday, and when we stood up to sing a hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up the crack of her butt. So, being the gentleman I am, I reached down, and pulled the dress free. She turned around, and hit me between the eyes". His friend said "You mean to tell me that woman hit you so hard it blackened both eyes?" "No" said his friend "but when we stood back up to sing another hymn, I tucked it back up in there for her".
I got really angry at my daughter for being fat and lazy. "All you do is sit about the house" I moaned "Away and make use of that skipping rope I bought you!" She must have broken into one hell of a sweat in the last week because there's a horrendous smell emanating from her room.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?" Johnny: "Seven, Sir". Teacher: "No, listen carefully... if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?" Johnny: "Seven, Sir". Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six". Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!!! SIR!" A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?" A very angry Johnny: "Because... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!"


The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement".

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boo's and hisses. He walked from the stage only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't!" his manager said "You're not retiring!"

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear" she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance". The tuba player stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!" With that the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour" the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour" the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas". His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end but miraculously he survived! As the guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go".

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work" his manager said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?" the judge asked "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Okay how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge said. "Guilty to all counts" the conductor replied. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.

Afterward, again, his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear" she replied.

By this point it was all too much for the conductor and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed and launched a missile into the Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. A SWAT team was called in this time and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "the bastard deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control some two kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?" "I've tried telling people all along", he said "I'm just a bad conductor...!!"

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A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria, walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
He comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time". The cattleman replies "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Tassie (Tasmania), the other one's a sandgroper (West Aussie). When we all left our home in Echuca' we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself".

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss".

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine" he explains "It's just that my wife and I joined the church and I had to quit drinkin'... hasn't affected my brothers though!"


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-A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender serves him and charges $15. Bartender says "We don't get many kangaroos in here". Kangaroo says, "At these prices no wonder!"

-A drunk walks into a bar and puts his pet cockroach on the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" "That's not a lion" replies the drunk. "Dhat's a dog!"

-This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh. Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious so he asks the bartender what's going on. The bartender says "This is a small town with small impressionable children so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full". The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says. So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied "Well, some folks can tell a joke and some folks can't".

-A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender "Do you sell condoms here?" The bartender replies "Sure do". "How much do they cost?" "They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price". So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much. "That will be $1.15 + tax". "Don't worry about the tacks! It'll stay on all by itself".

-Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks" the piggy slurs "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"

-A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him so he says he'll wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pyjamas off!"

-A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says "Pennsylvania". The bartender asks, "Whatchu' do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds "I'm a taxidermist". The bartender asks "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist? The guy says "I mount dead animals". The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

-A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this - a joke?"

-Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says "You guys better not start anything in here".

-A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Let me have a beer please and one more for the road".

-A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall".

-So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar".

-A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.

-A man who smelled like a distillery walks into a bar and flops on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man". "Well, I'll be damned" the drunk muttered returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

-A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen if you don't speak up I will not serve you". "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse".

-This duck walks into a bar. Bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey buddy, your pants are down".

-A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger. "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

-A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender "No charge".

-This piece of string walks into a bar. Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here". Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door. Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars. Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself trying to disguise the very fibre of his being. As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out, "Hey! You!" Looking carefully he asks "Are you a piece of string?" Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot".

-Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I think I've lost an electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first says "Yes, I'm positive".

-Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted...

-two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood" says one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," says the other. "Okay" replies the bartender "that'll be one blood and one blood lite"...

-This skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and a mop".

-Guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he exclaims.

-A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "Beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over "Hey... I must be losing my mind" he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things and there's not a soul in here but us". "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary".

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Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn".

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry". So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.

Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

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Tried hard to get through the insane mail backlog of the past few weeks. There just isn't enough time in a month let alone a week however what you'll find here should keep you guys happy, occupied and amused.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

PJ wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I came across this at Jindalee in QLD thought you might like it

Ambiguous. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ass!!
Been a while since submitted anything. Thought I'd send you a selfie the current bird I'm shagging sent me. I'm a tit man myself but this ass has near converted me. Enjoy ps: withhold details

This ass is Orsm approved. -Orsm

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Simon wrote:
Subject: Facebook - another mother of the year contender
Gday Orsm. Trawling through the old FB and came across another mother of the year contender... I'd love it if my mum had this pic of g-banger-clad arse hanging off a chair for all the world to see... Real classy. Cheers, keep up the great work.

Parenting... you're doing it wrong. -Orsm

Phil wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Bus driver with sense of humor
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Tim wrote:
Subject: random
this deer feeder is in my back yard
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Finally, Some Honesty in Big Buck Hunting Stories
Above is a picture of the new world record whitetail buck. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's uncle's best friend's son-in-law's niece's hairdresser's neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a .22 caliber rimfire rifle. Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers, and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nearby nuclear power plant. All this has been checked and confirmed by my friends at Snopes. Honestly and Sincerely, Barack H. Obama

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ventolin
funny pic for the random pics which I love... no contact details pls... keep up the good work!

Somewhere there's a chemist who likes fucking with people. -Orsm

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John wrote:
Subject: My Phone Number
I really think it's inappropriate that she shows everyone my phone number!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more good stuff.
i saw these pics online the other day. please hide the details!

What's a clitoris...? -Orsm

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Kenneth wrote:
Subject: For the Do-gooders
Hey mate, how ya been? Wrote a little letter into The West and it got printed. For the dumb-ass do-gooders who hide among us. Not sure if it's something for your audience (well they like their drink I guess), but feel free to spread the word :)

This is what it's like living in a nanny state. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures
Here are two pictures that a women texted me by mistake. I contacted her and she was quite embarrassed. I told her I would delete them and keep it private. I hope you enjoy please keep my info private. Thank You

Jason wrote:
Subject: Here's a pic for you.
Thanks for all you do orsm.

Such a handsome family! -Orsm

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Tim wrote:
Subject: For your random shite... p.s. fucking love your site
Where's Wally?

What a Wally. -Orsm

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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Can't remember if I sent this to you or not.
$1,000 reward for killing a dog, $.00 for a human!
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Cj wrote:
Sunbject: Emailing
Found this on tumblr tell me whats wrong here lol

That bad tattoo? I'm not a fan. -Orsm

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George wrote:
Subject: From today's Sydney Telegraph
More curry please!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: like to publish
no names but i think thy are nice set on 56 yens old women
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: telling it like it is-or no beating about the bush
Apologies to any who might be offended, by someone calling a spade a "bloody shovel" the following says it all, i reprocessed the photo, cloned out all the flare from a flash, increased the contrast, Darkened the red-yellows, it's far from perfect, took hours to do the work to get it up to present, did it because i agree entirely with the sentiments. Too many greedy tourists here also;-
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... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start". We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

... when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

... yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

... I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

... I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

... when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. 

... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.

... I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...

... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

... and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes. I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then!"

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fookin' focked!" he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin' way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it!" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night...?" Paddy says "I did, Jess. I was fookin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub"...


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A Polish man moved to Australia and married an Aussie girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. But one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home". "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete". "I don't think you understand".

"Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one". "I mean what are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player". "Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me". "What makes you think that?" "I got proof". "What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me". "She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover"...

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At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director began the search for a replacement.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

So they gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss. "Another glass, please!"

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Absolutely correct. A third glass!"

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"


Okay done.

-Check out the site archives.
-Next update MAY NOT be next Thursday. Sorry.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get cross.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and that is all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.11.08-19.26
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Welcome to Orsm.net lah.

Back on home turf. Who wants to play? Has been a ridiculously long few weeks - covered 2 countries, 2 Special Administrative Regions, met interesting people from all over the world, had some incredibly memorable experiences but most of all it was a fucking blast. That said, it almost didn't happen. Those last few days before jumping on the plane out of here were a shit fuck litany of every possible thing that could go wrong, going wrong...

Firstly was a badly timed ear canal health issue. I remember clearly getting an ear infection as a kid. Mum racing me to the doctors while I screamed in agony. Kind of like that Star Trek film where the guy gets the worms put in his ear but far, far worse... that's my version of events at least. Ever since then I've struggled with even slight changes in altitude or diving too deep underwater so obviously plane take offs and landings are problematic/cunty. Anyway early in the week shit just didn't feel right. Pressure on my eardrum or something so raced off to the docs expecting an outcome that wouldn't prevent flying. The doc flushed them and prescribed some drops. Literally in the last few hours before departure they came good. The odd side effect was my ears having been perfect since - no problems whatsoever swimming or flying.

Next was the house alarm. It had been playing up but couldn't work out why. And then of course it completely stopped working the day before leaving. Didn't much like the idea of the house being completely unprotected thus wasted quite a bit of time tinkering trying to troubleshoot. Eventually realised the backup battery was dead, tracked down a new one and all good.

That was quickly followed by the fish pond pump. I'm really not too phased about the goldfish or their pond. They were inherited from the previous owners. I feed them and clean the pond out at the longest intervals possible, they try not to cause any trouble and don't complain about friends' kids trying to catch them with the scoop. It's a mutually neutral arrangement. But I digress... back to the pump. When did the pump decide to die? The night before we were due to leave. Race off the next morning to find a new one and then spend an hour setting it all up. Not ideal considering nothing had yet been packed in a suitcase. But I still had plenty of spare time right...

The next problem was updates. The plan was to finish three of them completely and everything had looked on target however I'd forgotten a few small bits and pieces. Most weeks it's hard enough getting done by deadline so a whole bunch of hours were spent on that Thursday trying to get it all sorted. An extra spanner in the works was all my own doing - concerns about internet access in Thailand and China coupled with not wanting to lug my laptop around, I asked my friend Ray to take over responsibilities. All good except had to set everything up allowing him access to the servers plus write out instructions. More time sapped from departure day. Oh and you guys have Ray to thank for putting the update up a day early.

The best was yet to come. Had organised months ago for the parentals to babysit the dog and had dropped her off to them on the Wednesday. One major stress out of the way. Then, about 6 hours until our flight was due to take off, just as I finally start getting my shit together to pack, the phone rings. "There's something wrong with dog... there's blood and we can't tell where it's coming from". Single, double, triple and quadruple FUCKS. Race over to check her out, peak hour traffic pretty much the worst I've ever seen. Definitely blood. Couldn't tell where exactly but definitely the back end somewhere. Bundle her in the car and move at light speed to the vet. Apparently not coming from her bunghole but "leave her and we'll call you soon". Okay. Head home dogless and resume packing. They call soon enough - she's been sedated and they've shaved her leg to get a better look. An area of skin and tissue on her thigh is necrotic. Impossible to close the wound. "We don't know what or why. She'll have to stay with us". Welcome to the most stressed you can be. The answer to my question as to whether this is somehow the end for her was "not sure but unlikely". What followed was a conundrum between cancelling and staying close to home or departing and hoping for the best. Even more phone calls later there was a plan of attack - parents would stay in touch with the vet and keep me in the loop.

The suckiest part of the whole week lay ahead. I mentioned a while back that our closest friends were moving overseas and -of course- it just worked out they'd be leaving while we were away. This -of course- meant a big sad goodbye was the last event before heading for the airport. Far from ideal and matter of fact it fucking sucked.

Thankfully a few hours later it was wheels up. Two flights and 11 hours in the air after that we splashed down in Thailand. More about that next week. In the meantime let's get our A's in to G for a brand new fucking update. Naturally what you'll discover below is so amazingly awesome that keyboards are about to become sticky around the world so let's everyone grab some tissues, rubber gloves, maybe some lube and get on with things. Girls - do exactly the same but grab a camera, snap some pics and send them my way [unless you're a pig]. Check it...

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BONUS AWESOMENESS: Girls Kissing Compilation - Sexy Contortionist - Roller Coaster Bra Test - Bikini Redhead

Old School Fun - Phallic Feasts - Booty Slappin' - Strong Cunt - Cosplay Babes - Sexual Inferiority - Special Handjob

Hurt So Good - Do Not Like - Fantasy Porn - Beheading - Beach Tits - Cervix Destroyed - Anal Teen - Got Talent

Cheapskate - Safe Word - So F-ing Wrong - Selena Bikini - Fetishy - Ball Busting - Hoodrat Lulz - Homeless Head

A girl said to me: "Leave the first letter of my fanny and you got my first name". "Really?" I replied "Your name's Unt?"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter" asked Larry "Giving up?"
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden".
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!" The golfer replies "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?" The keeper replies "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her Husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Ten Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says "If any of you are paedophiles you can fuck off down to Hell!" Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out "And take this deaf bastard with you!"
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever. Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the US Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals". Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves. This ends today's lesson.



-"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way".
-"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early".
-"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof".
-"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind".
-"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought ".
-"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket".
-Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
-"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard".
-"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke".
-"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control".
-"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight".
-"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk".
-"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car".
-"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo".
-"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again".
-"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment".
-"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention".
-"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
-"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
-"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
-"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole".
-"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car".
-"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident".
-"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished".
-"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows".
-"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have".
-"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it".
-"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him".
-"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident".
-"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before".
-"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian".
-"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle".
-"I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull".
-"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him".
-"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him".
-"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car".
-"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth".
-"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end".
-"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing".
-"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way".
-"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before".
-"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car".
-"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal".
-"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert".
-"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries".
-"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him".
-"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact".
-"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle".
-"My car got hit by a submarine". The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.
-"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings".
-"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week".
-"I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before".

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The following is a resignation letter from a sys admin pushed to the limit supposedly sent to his boss...

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of 'cut and paste' for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iPad has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts:

-When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment". I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

-I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favourites list, which I conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe that terms like 'lolita' and 'jail bait' would be viewed favourably by your superiors.

-When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your mother's birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Wishing you a grand and glorious day.


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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Patton said "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Kathleen said "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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God was missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquired "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.

"Look, Michael. Look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said "What is it?" "It's a planet" replied God "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance'". "Balance?" inquired Michael "I'm still confused".

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. 'Balance' in all things".

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice".

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said "What's that one?"

"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked "But what about 'balance', God? You said there would be 'balance'". God smiled... "I will create Canberra - wait till you see who I'll put there".

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces! The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile".

'Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile".

The Inspector asked "What of the third body?" "Ah" says the coroner "This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning". "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken".

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A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St. Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry" St Peter said "But heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of heavenly arrivals".

"That's cool" said the blonde "What does the entrance exam consist of?" "Just three questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked the blonde. "The first" said St Peter "is, which two days of the week start with the letter "T" "The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?" "The third is "What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?" "Now" said St Peter "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me".

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied "I have". "Well then" said St Peter "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" The blonde said "Today and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on "how many seconds in a year?" The Blonde replied "Twelve!" "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter "How did you arrive at that figure?" "Easy" said the blonde "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds". St Peter looked at the blonde and said "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision".

And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into heaven. So... can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The blonde replied "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer". "Really!?" exclaimed St Peter "And what is the answer?" "It's Andy". "Andy!?!" "Yes... Andy" said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand it any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said the blonde "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled".


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The boss said to his secretary "For a week we will go abroad for a meeting, so make arrangements".

The secretary makes call to her husband "For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself".

The husband makes call to secret lover "My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together".

The secret lover makes call to the small boy to whom she is giving private tuition "I have work for a week, so you need not come for class".

The small boy makes call to his grandfather "Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together".

The grandpa (who, in an uncanny twist, is 'the boss') makes call to his secretary "This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting after all".

The secretary makes call to her husband "This week my boss has some work, so we cancelled our trip".

The husband makes call to secret lover "We cannot spend this week together. My wife has cancelled her trip".

The secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition "This week we will have class as usual".

The small boy makes call to his grandfather "Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company".

The Grandpa makes call to his secretary "Don't worry; this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements"...

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My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one". I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".

I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.


Allow me to clear up any confusion: update over.

-Check out the site archives. Even if you don't feel like it you still do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. 1 of the remaining 6 for the year. Hell to the yes.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fuck you up good, nigger.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and always challenge authority. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.11.01-derp
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Butter.

Hong Kong. But enough about me... time for a brand new update. Check it before someone else does...

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of heaters. Just a little house warming present.
Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce? It's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was going on and why he wanted a divorce. The attorney was shocked and told Mickey that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week. The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him "I've been investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that Minnie is crazy". "Crazy?" Mickey asked. "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
She had been thinking about colouring her hair. One day while going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair colouring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that she liked. Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband "How do you think this colour would look on a face with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumbled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon".
"Knock knock". "Who's there?" "Doorbell repair man"
My girlfriend caught me masturbating in the bathroom for the second time in as many days. "I'm not enough for you? What am I doing wrong?" She cried. "Tell me what you want me to do so this this doesn't happen anymore!" "Knock!" I replied.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain".
I was about to do a survey and ask 100 black people "Do you get annoyed with the way all black people are stereotyped?" but the first one I asked stole my clipboard.
Nazi concentration camp commandant calls an Englishman, Australian and a Jew into his office. "Ve are going to have a cricket match". He turns to the Englishman: "You vill be ze capitan of ze English team". He turns to the Aussie: "You vill be ze capitan of ze Australian team". "What's my part in this then?" asks the Jew. "You vill be ze ashes".
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.
Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was. Sue replied "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it". Mary replied "I know. I know".
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's bloody scary... it means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!

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Land Of Mines - NFL Babes - Daring Upskirt - Stupid Soldiers - Sweet Cleavage - Speechless Umm - Skinny Hot

Lil Candy - Begging Hard - So Awesome - Rock Bottom - Crazy Orgasm - Self Shooters - Unexpected Tow - Dirty Dick

No Gag Reflex - Horny Mum - Highly Aroused - Premature Fag - Wet Pussy - Ass 2 Ass - Today's WTF - Glee Nipple

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.50/min (higher rates from mobiles).
I borrowed a DVD from my mate entitled "Bald and Barely Legal". Went home and put the disc in the machine and sat with my erect cock in my hand ready to wank myself silly. I felt a right twat when the film came on. It was a Department of Transport film about tyre tread depths.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy mum..."
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.



-Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.
-Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
-If a woman buys her husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, she needs to lock the door when she goes to the bathroom.
-Women need to be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
-Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
-Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.
-If its attention a girl wants, she doesn't need to get involved with a man during playoff season.
-Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.
-Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
-All men look nerdy in ANY socks and sandals.
-The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
-Women should not try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
-Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
-A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
-Men love watches with multiple functions.
-All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship". These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.
-Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
-Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
-All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names.
-Men don't get cellulite.
-Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
-Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
-Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say "Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed... get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"
-Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
-If you're dating a man who you think is Mr Right and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
-The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on caterpillars and butterflies.
-Men own basketball teams. Every cheerleader's outfits get tighter and player's shorts get baggier and longer.
-No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
-When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
-When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
-Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
-Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
-Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outstropective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
-If a man says "I'll call you" and doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die, he just didn't want to call you.
-Men hate to lose. If a woman beats he husband at tennis, she might ask him "Are we ever going to be in love again?" He might say "Yes, but not with each other".
-Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you really want to get rid of a man say "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children". Sometimes they leave skid marks.
-Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch you look great". Mitch: "Thanks". On the other side: "Ruth, you look great". Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting"
-Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
-Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
-Only men who have worn a ski suit understands how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
-Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and intimately, but they also need men to help them get dressed.
-Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
-When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
-Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
-Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
-Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
-All men would still really like to own a train set.

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The life we live is the legacy we leave behind. Everyday counts for something, and every relationship has meaning. No one wants to live in mediocrity, with their dreams and aspirations deteriorating behind the façade of a day to day rat race. At the end of life, many people express regrets, wishing for a second chance to get it right. In reality, there is no second chance; we have to get it right the first time. These are the top ten regrets most likely to change the course of someone's life.

The number one regret a person can have is not resolving a conflict. Countless funerals are full of regretful friends and family that never got the chance to right a wrong. Bitterness can sour a lifetime of memories, wedging itself in between relationships and people that love each other. Don't let anger last a lifetime.

For many people sending their kids off to college, or watching them get married can conjure thoughts of times growing up as a young family. Often work can come in the way of family time, resulting in distance between husbands, wives and children. Inserting a family day into a weekly schedule and making time for family vacations each year can prevent a person from having such a strong regret.

Going to college for years and getting a degree leads a person to begin seeking work in the field of their dreams. However, often employers are not hiring in limited fields, leaving post grads to find work in other occupations. What starts out as temporary can become permanent, with salaries and benefits luring employees into a lifelong commitment to a single company. While the money may be great, a job can feel like a rut if it isn't the job you longed for.

For many people in their twenties or thirties, retirement seems like a distant future, not an impending reality. They may choose to defer retirement savings into other purchases for immediate gratification. This can turn into a disaster during the golden years, when money can often be tight. This is an easy regret to avoid by setting up automated investments into an IRA throughout the working years.

Children are often viewed as distractions or inconveniences, getting in the way of careers and personal goals. Though it may seem like a good idea to not have kids, the choice can leave a person very lonely as they begin to age. It is a natural human desire to wish to leave a heritage with descendants, so be careful in choosing to put off having children.

Countless little boys spend their youth community sports, dreaming of one day playing for a professional league. Though not everyone has what it takes to be a professional, there are other ways to incorporate a passion for sports or other hobbies such as learning to play an instrument, or taking on a second language.

There is nothing like going to the grave, remembering "the one that got away". Sometimes it can be hard to express true feelings for someone if the outcome could mean rejection. However, holding it all inside will leave heart aching for closure. It is better to share your heart with a loved one, rather than miss out on a chance at happiness.

Growing up, most people dream of visiting an exotic island, backpacking through Europe, experiencing the Great Wall of China, or finding love in the city of Paris. Travel is a healthy ambition that creates memories to last a lifetime. Failing to travel to a dream destination can leave a lifetime of regrets. Don't let financial circumstances or life events keep you from visiting the places that you love.

A small percentage of people successfully graduate high school, go to college, and acquire the degree that they set out for. Life circumstances can get in the way, with some students quitting college to get married, have children or go to work, never returning to school. For people who take pride in education and intelligence, having a degree is proof of their capabilities and accomplishment. It is never too late to go back to school and get the degree you always wanted.

Everyone has an idea of the perfect home in the perfect location. Maybe it's a luxurious Manhattan apartment full of chic and modern furnishings. Or perhaps it's a three story beach house overlooking the Pacific with a mountainous backdrop and scenic views. Settling for a suburban track home may be less than the expectations of an average American. One of the biggest regrets a person can have is not raising a family in the dream location they once desired.



Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It may blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

Grandmother replied "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no: credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and space travel was only in Flash Gordon comics".

"Your grandfather and I got married... and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me 'Sir' and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title 'Sir'".

We were before gay-rights, internet dating, dual careers, day-care centres and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by The Bible, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege, living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was eating half a biscuit while running to catch the school bus. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam...
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 and 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600... but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, grass was mowed, coke was a cold drink, pot was something your mother cooked in and rock music was your grandmother's lullaby. Aids were helpers in the Principal's office, chip meant a piece of wood, hardware was found in a hardware store and software wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there's a generation gap!

How old do you think I am? I bet you have this old lady in mind... you are in for a shock! Read on to see - pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This woman would be only 59 years old.

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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says "What a great chest you have!" He tells her "That's 100lbs of dynamite, baby!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her "That's 100lbs of dynamite, baby".

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

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Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear. When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area.

It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community.

In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?" "It's not completely clear, darling" admitted the proctologist "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us".

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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they had become big, loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself".

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago".

"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".


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A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her not to worry and her children will be all right - one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later one of the triplets, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MUM, MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MUM, MUM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Two men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 recently. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 calibre bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on east bound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

 "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened" said Deputy Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?


Guys... you've hit the end of the update but DON'T WORRY - a lot of the problems you think you've got are about to be solved simply by reading the following...

-Check out the site archives. They're amazing.
-Next update will be next Thursday making it number 45 for the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will physically discipline you in the harshest way imaginable.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good and stay off the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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